Everyone's family is crazy in their own, special way—but not everyone's family is this crazy. From creepy toddlers to selfish parents, these people have taken to the internet to vent about their nightmare broods.
1. Who’s Your Daddy?
My daughter isn't mine. My fiancée went away for a mud run the weekend "my" daughter was conceived. I took the baby to get a DNA test one day when my fiancée was at work and I was at home with the baby. Sure enough, just like on Maury, I was NOT the father. I went to a doctor and it turns out I am sterile. I can't tell anyone because I love the little girl like she's my own, but it hurts when people comment on how much "she looks like her mom" but never how much she looks like me.
I could never bring myself to say anything to her though because I don't want to NOT be in the little girl's life. As far as she knows, I am her father and she loves me unconditionally. I can't ruin that.
2. I’m Gonna Need to See Some ID
My mother forgot my birthday, then called me a liar when I told her. I had to get my driver's license to prove it. I was in my late 20s.
3. Here Today, Gone Tomorrow
My son got a $200,000 inheritance when his father passed away two years ago. He is now completely broke.
4. You Are What You Wear
My six-year-old son recently put his foot down, letting me know that it was not okay for me to tell him what he could or could not wear because he is allowed to have "his own fashion." Ok, fine. Shorts, sandals, and one black sock it is.
5. Some Branches of the Family Tree Aren’t Worth Saving
My older cousin’s birthday is three days after mine, so my family tends to just skip mine and focus on his. I decided one year to throw a party for my birthday at my house. I paid for all the food and drinks and decorations. Had my mom help me set everything up. Had a bar set up with drinks. Had a buddy of mine DJ. Everyone shows up. Most of them didn't even bother saying happy birthday to me.
And my aunt (not my cousin’s mom), who didn't even say anything to me upon arriving, gifted my cousin a two-week trip to Europe, fully paid for, and then made MY ENTIRE PARTY sing Happy Birthday to him and not even acknowledge me. And mind you I threw this party for me because I have always been the outcast of my family and thought hey, if I throw it for myself maybe they will actually be nice to me. And not in a material way. I just wanted some attention from my family who has always shut me out from everything.
Needless to say, I don't talk to any of them besides maybe once during the holidays and it's always the obligated, “Hey how you been?" Sometimes life is better when you're completely alone and accept it.
6. Ants and Uncles
I once caught my youngest son (about three years old at the time) peeing in the corner of his room, right next to the wastebasket and sort of behind a bookshelf. When I asked him why he was doing that when there was a bathroom right next to his room, he said something utterly terrifying: he was "watering the ants."
Confused about what ants and why, I went over and peeked behind the bookshelf. I found the ants. I also found the half donut that he swiped and shoved back there at some earlier point, along with various bits of candy, a slice of bread, and most of a chicken nugget. Apparently, he had seen an ant and decided to cultivate his own little ant farm in the corner of his room. He viewed himself as their benevolent, peeing king.
The whole thing was so absurd that I had a hard time holding it together while attempting to explain to him that the ants would do just fine without his feeding them and urinating on them.
7. This Will Never Come in Handy
According to my son’s claims, I've beaten him and even cut his hand off. None of that is true. I’m disappointed that he would treat me like this and ruin my reputation in the eyes of my community when all I’ve ever been to him is kind.
8. A Willfully Mistaken Identity
When my kid decided—in the grocery store parking lot—that it would be “fun” to scream “YOU’RE NOT MY MOMMY! WHERE’S MY MOMMY? YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM!” He had this evil smirk on his face as I panicked and tried to explain what could happen if someone heard that. He started yelling it louder. Trust me, he doesn’t get away with stuff.
No, I’m not going to slap him across the face or beat him. He was disciplined. He learned his lesson. I can laugh about it now. He is a mini-me and my parents often remind me that he is karma for all the crap I put them through when I was a kid.
9. That Line Was an Unwelcome Delivery
When I was play-arguing with my seven-year-old kid, and she said she wished she was dead like my miscarried baby. Savage and a brat.
10. You’re Coming With Me
I was at an Applebee’s with my grandma on like my 12th birthday. She and my aunt were just non-stop complaining about how cold their salads were and how it was taking ridiculously long. She ended up pounding on the table, DEMANDING she speak to somebody like she was freaking two. This was in a busy, crowded restaurant, and some poor girl who was already busy had to stop all she was doing to speak with my grandma.
She then started saying how the salad was so crummy and made a big scene. She couldn’t get a new salad for some reason I can’t remember, so then she yanked my arm, and as everyone stared at us, she said, “Come with Grandma! We’re gonna go to a place that has better service.” I was ssoooooooo embarrassed.
11. I Live On Your Tears
Years ago, my wife and I had a very heated argument. Our daughter overhears us and comes into the room just as things hit their peak. My wife rushes into the bathroom crying. I'm left sitting on the bed feeling low, listening to my wife sob on the other side of the door. Our kid looks up at me with a smile and says, "Mommy's crying" and proceeds to laugh loud enough for mom to hear. And with that, I was in trouble for something entirely new.
12. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Car Ride
When I was a senior in high school back in the day, I had accidentally left the lights on in my truck all day long and had to call my dad to come to my school and help me jump start the car. Now, my father is 6'1 and has a very large belly. For some unknown reason, he shows up wearing nothing but cloth shorts and no shirt to try and jump-start my car. In front of all my classmates...
And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he did it again another time a few years earlier when my mother had sent him out to my school to come and give me a sandwich to eat before a big football game I was in. The man’s boxers were literally longer than his shorts.
13. Going Away for a Long, Long Time
I’m disappointed over the fact that my son is currently in prison for life. That was not what I had in mind when I was trying my best to raise him well.
14. A Sticky Situation
My son was about seven years old. He discovered the wireless hot glue gun from my craft room. I was using it that afternoon and had stopped to make dinner. I didn't shut off the gun. Of course, I didn't get back to my craft space until much later. When I did, I quickly noticed that the glue gun wasn't there. My stomach dropped—but it was even worse than I'd imagined. Turns out my kid took it and hot glued shut every single electrical outlet that he could find in our house—and I do mean ALL of them!
15. Ready for Takeoff
My kid has this habit of pulling down his pants when he gets upset. It's funny in a family context. Not so much at the airport, though…
16. Cut and Run
At used clothing stores, my mother would cut tags to get discounts, since the cashiers would basically make up whatever price they thought it would be on the spot. If they high-balled it, she would get a manager involved, and I hated that.
17. Maternal Lockdown
I was 13 when this happened. My mom had made a reservation at a hotel for a trip, but when she got there the lady said there was some error with the reservation and that my mom’s payment didn’t go through, so the lady offered us a double bed room for a discount. Rather than just taking the room, thanking the lady, and leaving, my mom decided the best course of action would be to scream, in the middle of a hotel lobby, “NOBODY IS GOING ANYWHERE TIL I GET MY FREAKING ROOM!”
She then proceeded to pester the lady, who clearly couldn’t do anything about it, until eventually, she called the police on my mom for public disturbance. Mortifying.
18. What’s in a Name?
I was taking my four-year-old granddaughter back home after she had spent the week with me. It was a 400-mile trip and I knew that at least one bathroom trip would be necessary. I picked an Applebee's for lunch, figuring that it would be a clean choice. I took her into a stall in the men's room, and there was no one else in there when we went in.
My little sweetie did her business and then, after not even a whimper out of her all week, while I was washing her hands, she suddenly started wailing, "I want my mother!" and crying loudly. Then it got even worse. A man came in, a state trooper in uniform, giving me a dirty look as I'm telling her that we would be home in just a little bit. She's crying that I told her that yesterday.
We exit the men's room and go to our table. She's still whimpering. The state trooper comes over and asks me for some ID, I guess just doing his job. I explain that she is my granddaughter and that I'm taking her home. He then asks my granddaughter if I am her grandfather. She shakes her head and shouts out "NO!" Then, with a big smile, says "He is my Poppy!"
Luckily, we got home with no further stops.
19. All for One and None for All
When our 13-year-old kid decided to steal $200 that was hidden in my desk one week before Christmas, he then spent it all in one day on candy and yelled at us for confiscating what was left of it. He also told us it was our fault for leaving money in the house. To confirm that he is a horrible person, he told his mum that he doesn't like seeing anyone else happy, which is why he broke his one-year-old brother’s things.
20. Little Kid, Big Accusations
My 11-year-old son recently called 9-1-1 and said I slapped him. CPS came, it was a cluster. It was so well-orchestrated; he even took a picture of himself with a red mark on his face. I didn't slap him, and it eventually got debunked although he still won't admit it. A couple of months later, he told his dad I forced him to make the ol' dirty 2-finger licking gesture, take a pic and send it to him. He lives with his dad now and isn't allowed here until I can afford a camera system. Still unclear on a motive.
21. Bad Dads 2
My dad, influenced at least in part by the movie Bad Boys II, decided to mess with my boyfriend on my first date by acting like a tough guy. He filled a whiskey bottle with tea and, when he answered the door, he started chugging down the whole thing while scanning my boyfriend up and down. He then tried to break the bottle over his own head.
The date was canceled due to the ensuing hospital trip, and I became known as the girl with the totally insane father. "Don't concuss yourself this time, Dad!" became the running joke in my house once I was able to get a date again.
22. Adopting a New Worldview
My parents recently told me that my sister is adopted. They didn't tell her. She's 34 years old. Not sure what to do with this information…
23. Love and Marriage
Our kids don’t know that we're divorced. Years before they came along, the two of us had decided that our marriage wasn't working out, so we got divorced. Years later, things still weren't working out fantastically for either of us, so we got back together. We never did get around to getting officially remarried though…
24. A Change of Heart
I don’t want my son to ever know that he was an unwanted accident. Even during my pregnancy, I didn’t want a child. I was still so young and had my whole career ahead of me. I wanted to travel the world, finish school, and advance myself in life to the fullest. After he was born, I had some trouble adjusting, and it took me a long time to fall in love with motherhood.
I didn’t feel a connection to my son initially, and I felt like the worst mother in the world. Now, I can’t stop looking at him, hugging him, or crying over him every single day. I’m finishing school and just got promoted at my job. I can have my life and still be a mother too. The only thing in the world that I regret today is ever having had the feeling of not wanting my son, because he means so much to me and there are no words to describe the deep love that I feel for him.
25. Getting Down and Dirty
Our children will never know about the sheer volume of extreme "toys" that their father and I have hidden in our bedroom—and what they don’t know can’t hurt them.
26. Full Circle
My parents are divorced, and they have a big secret that they don’t realize I know. They are both cheating on their current spouses. With each other.
27. Pillow Talk
My kids don’t know that I know they hide their vegetables under the cushions of our living room couch.
28. Director’s Cut Commentary
My mom went through this phase where she would talk out loud during movies, specifically about whatever is going on in the movie. She was also terrible at paying attention to what was going on, so often times what she was explaining was totally incorrect. In addition, she would try to talk over the movie. Mom would occasionally have to yell to make sure that she was being heard over the action scenes.
Imagine, if you will, watching the aftermath of the stampede scene from The Lion King and the person next to you in the theater yelling out "SIMBA IS SAD BECAUSE HER DAD DIED!"
29. Table Talk
I taught my kids not to fart at the dinner table. Instead, my four-year-old thought it was appropriate to run over to the next table in the restaurant and let one rip.
30. Don’t Skirt Around the Real Issue Here...
My mum once pulled up my skirt, causing me to involuntarily flash a room full of people, at a family Christmas dinner. I was absolutely mortified. She wanted to check for any potential self-harm scars on my thighs, apparently. I've never physically harmed myself before in my entire life. I was 18 years old at the time, and thankfully I was wearing underwear so it was not as bad as it could have been.
Nevertheless, she should not be allowed to consume alcohol ever again…
31. Something to Be Thankful For
For some inexplicable reason, my mom decided that it would be a good idea to casually tell everybody at Thanksgiving dinner at her boyfriend's house about my tween bouts with anorexia. I didn't want to be there in the first place, and she just kept going on and on about how I used to just eat carrots for dinner for a year. It got so bad that I eventually had to shout at her to get her to stop.
32. Read It or Weep
My mom REFUSES to show people at Walmart her receipt when we are leaving. It is annoying that they ask, like all of our stuff is bagged, c’mon. But she will fight them over it. She says she hates being treated like a criminal when she has clearly paid, and I get that I guess. But come on, just show the darn thing and we can leave. But she’d rather stay and argue until they admit defeat.
33. Her Anxieties Never Held Water
My grandmother (who lived with us) did not let me walk up and down stairs, and I was also not allowed to let shower water hit my chest. She believed that if I either fell on the stairs or did them too quickly, I would die. She also told me that if shower water pounded on my chest it would destroy my heart and it would be my fault if I had a heart attack and died. Both of these were enforced rules (amongst 10 million others) in my house.
She did have a kid who had died of heart problems, but the shower water thing is only an instruction for like RIGHT AFTER open heart surgery. Jesus.
34. A Legendarily Bad Birthday Weekend
My 17th birthday was at a terrible family reunion at a hotel in the hills of where-the-heck-are-we. It started off rough because my first cousin had run away (long story) and her mom and my mom cried a lot that weekend. There was a lot of sitting in a big room listening to people talk, and the organizers/speakers focused more on their side of the family in all the acknowledgments and speeches about family history, so my side felt completely excluded.
It was very alienating. My great-grandmother was only ever mentioned once, but we heard about her siblings all weekend, so the mood of everyone on my side of the family got progressively crankier. Late in the evening, we went to the pool and my brother jumped into the shallow end and broke his foot. That was a few minutes before it turned midnight and my birthday, so I spent the first few hours of my birthday worried and waiting for them to get back from the hospital.
I also spent the weekend in pain with a swollen, throbbing finger because of an infected hangnail. Not a big deal, but it added to the suckage of it all. The next morning, on my actual birthday, we all went to church and then my precious great uncle was rushed to the hospital with what we thought was a heart attack. No cell phones, so we had no idea how he was for over 12 hours.
In general, it was really hard to see so many of my family members upset/angry/sad/worried about so many different things over the course of the weekend. SO much drama, and I felt really bad for them. No one really acknowledged my birthday except for my parents and brother, and I never got a cake or anything because we had to travel home.
The trip back was truly awful because my parents and I had to cram into the front seat of a family sedan (the old ones had three seats across) for the long car ride so that my brother could elevate his foot. Then when we FINALLY got home we were all sore and exhausted and starving, so we ordered a pizza. It never came.
To top it off, I waited for a birthday phone call from the guy I was crazy about who I had two amazing dates with the weekend before. Well, turns out he was in the process of ghosting me. I never heard from him again after our date weekend. I eventually gave up on waiting for the pizza and the call from the boy and went to bed heartbroken and hungry.
My family still talks about how horrible that weekend was almost 30 years later.
35. Pull the Trigger, Piglet
My sister's older daughter is a saint, but the little kid is a psychopath. My sister and brother-in-law indulge every crazy behavior of hers. One of the worst was last year when one of my sister's ureters broke and she had to get a tube from her kidney, out of her body and to a bag, while said ureter healed. She was pretty ill and was in the hospital for a bit more than a month.
Anyway, the second night she's back home, little monster PULLS the tube out of my sister's kidney, requiring her to get emergency surgery. The kid's excuse? She KNEW doing that would hurt mommy, but she (my sister) was getting SO MUCH attention from daddy since she got home...attention she (little monster kid) deserves more.
The worst part is that my sister and brother-in-law thought that was cute. The crazy part is that my older niece would have never gotten away with something like that, so I don't really get why they spoiled the younger one so much. I know she's my niece, but I just can't see past those behaviors and like her...she's six years old.
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36. Love or Death
My five-year-old was eating some chocolate, and I told him not to get any on the floor because Sadie, my family’s dog, would eat it.
Him: Then she’ll die?
Me: Yeah.
Him: Mommy, I thought you don’t like Sadie.
Me: Well yeah, I don’t.
Him: And you don’t want her to die???
Me: Well, you can dislike someone, but that doesn’t mean you hate them enough that you want them to die.
Him: Oh. So, it’s okay if you don’t like someone—you don’t have to kill them or anything, right?
Me: Right.
Him: Oh. Okay. Thanks Mommy.
Had he just been going around expecting to kill people he doesn’t like all that time? I’ll never know.
37. Not-So-Secret Santa
My mum has done plenty of embarrassing things over the years, however, one thing stands out as the worst: what she did to my sister. She had been dating this guy for a year or two on and off. Now, normally his ethnic background would not be important, but for this particular story it is. He’s Black and my family is English, so we’re all pretty much paper-white. This was all back when my sister and I were in high school many years ago.
It was Christmas, so he and some family friends were invited over and everything was going great until it the time came for opening gifts. My mum, who thinks she’s hilarious, decided to give my sister (who was still a virgin at the time) a deck of cards filled with “positions to try.” Remember, this was also in front of our close family friends, not just the boyfriend himself.
She was already mortified by that alone, but the worst was still yet to come. Her boyfriend opens up his gift and it has a little card in it, along with a box of glow in the dark condoms. Mum: “Do you like the present? It’s so that she can find you in the dark!” Everyone: ...Laughs nervously, while secretly wondering what on earth just happened...
38. Gotta Hand It To Her
I had recently moved as a child and had a really rough time getting friends. On my first birthday party there, I had three sorta-friends come over to our house. It was the first time I ever had my own friends over. During the "happy birthday" song, my oldest sister came downstairs, shoved her hand into the middle of the cake my mom made, then left.
I don't remember the consequences or if she even got any, but I remember that sinking feeling of embarrassment and hopelessness. In the years to come, those friends did, in fact, become my best friends for a while.
39. Clearing Their Good Names
My moody teenage daughter was looking for some attention at school, so she made up a whole false story about how we didn’t feed her at home, and how we often beat her. She began telling this story to all of her friends, and a teacher happened to overhear. She reported us to child services, and my wife and I then had to be investigated for child neglect and abuse.
They had to speak with each of our kids and interview them independently. My wife and I are still reeling from that one!
40. He’s—Kind of—Got a Point
When my son was 11 years old, he confidently informed me he was pretty sure he knew everything there was to know, because he tried to think of something that he didn't know, and couldn't think of anything.
41. Getting His Priorities in Order
I don’t plan on ever telling my son that, when he was very young, his dad briefly left us for another woman. He came back a few months later, and has been good ever since.
42. Job Security
My young daughter doesn’t know that we weren't actually visiting daddy at "his work." It was a secure psychiatric ward where he has been living since she was three months old.
43. Feeding the Meter
I was making dinner one night when I hear a loud pop from my 10-year-old’s room, and the power goes out. This kid was shoving dimes into an electrical outlet. Didn't get hurt, but the force from the electricity was enough to blow half of the last dime apart. When asked why he was doing this, he could provide no explanation.
44. One in the Same
My oldest son—maybe seven years old at the time—dropped a small rock in his ear. It was stuck and so deep that the ER doctor had to put him to sleep to get it out. It really turned into a "thing" real fast. Fast forward a month or so and we're right back in the ER with the younger boy—four or five at the time—with a rock in his ear.
He was making fun of his older brother for being stupid enough to get the rock in his ear. He was showing our neighbors' kids how it happened and ended up doing it himself. And to top it off, the same ER doctor. He says, “I can see this behavior may be hereditary.” Good times. Kids!
45. The More You Know
When my husband and I went away for a weekend and left our then-teenage son home alone for the first time, I came home to find a partially smoked joint in the living room and an adult videotape in the VCR. I quietly disposed of both and never said anything to him about it. I often wonder if he frantically looked for the tape afterwards, as it was a rental. I’ll never let on that I discovered it.
46. Grandparental Hypocrisy
My uber-catholic grandparents met when my grandpa was married. He left his wife, my grandmother got pregnant, and they eloped in the 40s. My grandma was 18 and my grandpa was 27. He took her to her senior prom. No one knew about this until last year...and my uncle was born “early.” Apparently, no one in my family can do math and never added up the birth and marriage dates.
47. Say Nope to the Rope
This chilling conversation with my then 4-year-old daughter. “Mommy, do you love me?” I replied, “Of course, my darling! I love you forever and always, no matter what!” Then she said, “Even after I kill (little brother’s name)?” With a sweet as pie smile on her face and serious look in her eye. At the time, she had recently learned to tie knots, and I’d already had to take her jump ropes away as I’d found her with one tied around little brother’s neck, pretending that he was her horsie!
My response to her during that conversation was, “I would still love you, but my heart would also be broken because I love him too and I would be so sad every day if he wasn’t here with us.” I gently asked her things to trigger her talking about what she loved about him and what she was looking forward to being able to teach him when he got a bit older. It ended up being a more positive conversation, despite the chilling start.
48. Duck Off
I have two sons. One is 11 and the other 7. The 7-year-old is...special. Highly intelligent and very social. But also does a lot of deep thinking. Early one Sunday morning, he came up to me, out of the blue, and said: "Dad, how do ducks work?" I was all, "How to what? What? Ducks? Huh?" in a half-asleep state. Before I could work out what he wanted to know he said: "I guess if I open one up, I'll find out?" and walked away.
Honestly, spent a good hour looking for ducks and watched him carefully when he went near the kitchen utensils. Oh yeah, there was also the time when he learned how to float in a pool after watching a documentary about shipwrecks. He could swim but never relax and float on his back. He can now, he just pretends to be a dead body floating away. Thanks, YouTube.
49. Bon Appetit!
My kid hid over three dozen half-eaten sandwiches throughout her bedroom. We unfortunately only discovered them several months later. It was absolutely disgusting. If she had told us that she didn't like them, that would have been fine. But to hide them? Holy smokes…
50. Best Seat in the House
While waiting in a long line with my six-year-old son, he started to complain about his legs hurting. I explained that we have to wait our turn like everyone else and that he needed to learn some patience skills. He then loudly exclaimed, "Why does that guy get a seat?!?!”—pointing to a man in a wheelchair two places behind us.
I wanted to find the biggest rock I could possibly imagine to hide under.
51. A Long List of Worries
My kid is lazy, he lies about everything, and he steals from everyone. I love him so much and I'm at a loss. I'm sincerely afraid that he's going to end up in prison someday.
52. Getting Rid of a Problem
I used to tell my kids not to take off their shoes and socks in the car, especially on short trips. Just leave them on so that we don't have to spend five minutes finding and putting them back on before we run into the store. Imagine a single dad with two young kids running around the car trying to re-shoe my children in the grocery store parking lot in the middle of an Arizona summer, yuck.
One day we went to the store and my daughter was missing her shoe. It was nowhere to be found. “Daddy, I didn't want you to be mad that my shoe was off so I threw it out the window.” It made sense to a five-year-old, I guess.
53. You Have the Bank of Dad’s Interest
For my 11th birthday, I got my first camera. My dad took me to Argos to pick one out. He said the limit was £70, but the camera little me wanted was £85; it was this little Canon digital thing. He bought it, then said something that made my blood run cold: "Happy birthday J, because that camera was £85, you owe me £15." I was ELEVEN years old remember...
He said this in front of all of the staff, and he continued to pester me for the money for another month before my mum found out what was going on and told him to stop.
54. A Family of Mediums
When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to talk on the phone without my mom or grandmother listening in from another phone in the house. If I wanted to send a personal letter, they had to read it before it went in the mail, and of course they opened anything that came addressed to me. I also had to write in a diary daily which they were allowed to read.
Schoolwork, I had to let one of them read before I turned it in and then when it was graded, show them the comments the teacher had made. My mom would even go through my trash and if she found something—a note from a friend, a phone number jotted down on a notecard, etc. she would iron out the paper and make me explain it.
For a while, I wasn't allowed any toys that weren't educational. When I was five, my grandpa bought me a Transformer and before I was allowed to play with it, he had to make a two-hour defense to my grandma that the Transformer was not only a pretty accurate model of a real military jet, but also a puzzle and having it would foster patriotism and an interest in technology and otherwise improve my mind. In the end, I got to keep it. She didn't know it was from a TV show or it would've gone right in the trash.
Going to see movies wasn't a matter of "Hey mom can I have money for a movie?" I had to cut an ad for it and a review out of the paper, highlight the parts of the ad and review that made me interested in the film, and present these to an adult at dinner. The adults in the house would then debate the pros and cons of me seeing the movie, and sometimes I would be allowed to go—supervised, of course.
55. A Warm Welcome
My four-year-old daughter (at the time) slapped a three-week-old newborn baby across the face immediately upon meeting her.
56. The Original Ball and Chain
Until I was 18 years old, I wasn't allowed to listen to anything other than classical or country music, I wasn't allowed to wear baggy clothes (think 1997 when baggy jeans were the thing to wear), and I wasn't allowed to wear any style of skater shoes, or any brand name shirts or any band merch. My mother would go through all my stuff when I was at work, snap CDs, cut up shirts and jeans into a load of pieces and throw them away, and replace them with her approved items.
Five days before I turned 18, my girlfriend at the time took me to do my driving test, and my mom cut it up when she heard me on the phone telling my friend that I had passed it. Flash forward to today, I'm 36, moved to England, got married, quite a severe case of misanthropy, no interest in having kids, I'm covered in tattoos, got a great job, and most importantly, an amazing wife who had a completely opposite upbringing but the same view on everything as I do, also an awesome job.
We told the family to mind their own business and got married in Vegas six years ago and will live happily ever after with our cats.
57. One at a Time
Our oldest wanted cash to go to a movie with his friends. We told him he could return the three bags of cans in the garage. He goes out to the garage, gets in his car and drives off. He comes back 15 minutes later, goes in the garage, then drives off again. 15 minutes he's back and we ask why he came back earlier.
He says, “I only grabbed one bag of cans because I thought that would be enough for a ticket. But it wasn't, so I came home and grabbed another bag. But that wasn't enough so I'm just not going to go to the movies.” I said, “What about the last bag of cans?” He said, “What, and look like an idiot, going to the can place three times?”
58. Crossed Over to the Dark Side
When the Peter Pan Peanut Butter recall happened 10 to 12 years ago or so—due to salmonella—my then 15-year-old daughter came in from school and as she was walking past the living room—TV was on—she stopped and watched the news report about the salmonella outbreak. She got this “ah-ha” light bulb moment and said, “Oh, now I get it! It’s about peanut butter! All day at school I kept hearing Peter Pan was killing people around the country and I thought he had turned bad or something and was now a villain.”
I just stared at her, waiting for her to say she was joking and didn’t really think Peter Pan was real, but no, she just went upstairs to her room like we just had a normal conversation about mundane, everyday events.
59. Will Curiosity Kill the Cat?
My 6-year-old has always had weird interests. She asked me to show her pictures of what's in our bodies. I showed her diagrams on Google, and she said, "No, I mean inside of a REAL body. Like a dead person." I showed her some random picture of an arm surgery and she was begging for more. Also, she always asks me to stop so she can look at dead animals on the road.
When my childhood dog died, she tried to sneak and look inside the bag while I was bawling. We're really pushing for the medical field and not the serial killer field. She has never shown any signs of aggression or desire to hurt people/animals. She is a very sweet child and doesn't even like it when we kill bugs or cut down the weeds in our yard!
She shows respect for life but is DEFINITELY interested in bodies. I'm not sure she understands what death is or what it means yet I am a science teacher, and my wife is a nurse, so we definitely encourage her interest in science!
60. The Great Escape…for Kids!
Before my son could crawl, he learned how to climb the extra tall baby gate. Before he could walk, he climbed the window sill. Before he could run, he climbed the bunk bed. Before he could open an applesauce container, he learned how to unlock the front door. I’m not sure what moment made me think, “Yep. He’s a monster.” It might have been when I almost witnessed Harambe 2.
I ducked down for ten seconds to tie his sister’s shoe and when I looked up, he had one leg over the barrier ready to go say hello. He’s two years old by the way. Or it might have been when I resigned myself to the leash. I brought it home, prepared for the protests. Instead, he declared himself a puppy dog, made his siblings play police with him for two hours while he “sniffed out the bad guys” then gleefully showed me how easy it was for him to take the damn thing off. I give up, guys.
61. Ever Heard of Potty Training?
I’m disappointed in the fact that my son is already seven years old, yet he still can't seem to take himself away from any task to go and use the bathroom when he needs to. This results in many, many messes that I am left to clean up. It’s not a matter of if he will pee his pants today, it's a matter of when—and sometimes, on one of those extra special days, he even poops his pants too!
Any fluid intake has to be timed so that all activities will be guaranteed to end less than 30 minutes from then, so that a bathroom break can be fit into his schedule. Ahh, children.
62. Oops, I Forgot
One year I baked my own cake because my ex-stepmom claimed, "You make the cakes for everyone else on their birthday!" Another year she forgot (my 16th) and asked what I was going to do for the day. I said I was going to hang out with my brother (who had already moved into his first apartment). She yelled at me, telling me I couldn't leave until my laundry was done, and I told her too bad and left.
Saw my dad in the garage working while I was leaving, and he told me happy birthday and gave me a hug. I said thanks, but that his wife forgot. She texted me an hour later saying she didn't forget and that she said it, but I must not have heard it. Lies. Had a fun afternoon and evening with my brother and some of his friends, since my friends at the time sucked/forgot/didn't care.
I subsequently "forgot" my ex-stepmom's birthday the same year. Petty, I know, but I was 16. She sucked and made our lives hell.
63. Not a Frisbee
My dad's always been a bad influence on well…everyone, but one day when I was 13 my Minecraft disc got scratched and was unreadable. So, we went to GameStop with the express purpose of just getting the copy returned, except we were over the warranty by 4 days. My dad threw the disc at the cashier and stormed out (without getting me a new copy, I may add).
Yeah, there's a reason I've booked a one-way flight 6,600 miles away from that guy.
64. They Grow Up to Be Incapable of Empathy So Fast
I firmly believe my oldest kid is a sociopath. There are lots and lots of things that make me believe it, but since there’s not exactly a black/white test, there’s no way to prove it. Put simply, the kid has no conscience and hasn’t since he was old enough to feel guilt, near as I can tell. He is 30, twice-divorced for assaulting his wives and totally ignores his daughters whilst giving everything possible to his son.
I blamed myself for years but my younger kids are so different than my oldest, I just don’t know if it’s my fault or not.
65. Not My Bread and Butter
My kids buttered up our dog. Have you ever tried to catch a freshly buttered chihuahua? It’s no easy task!
66. A Day of One’s Own
Every single birthday I've ever had has been a nightmare. The reason was that my uncle, with whom I happened to share a birthday, was an enormous man-child who insisted on having a bigger birthday party than my own. I was his junior by at least 30 years. That's three decades. Why have a stick measuring contest with someone that much younger than you!? But that's not even the worst part.
He died a couple years ago. My first "party" was when I was 30 and I insisted on no party. I had one imposed anyway and his granddaughter took it upon herself to proclaim her sexuality to everyone there like it's a coming out thing. All the while, his widow (my actual blood relative aunt) was crying the whole time and belittling said granddaughter that lives with her!.
This past year, nearly same exact scenario. Next year, who knows? I don't want to. I'm going to head for the hills when it comes and take my immediate family with me. My wife, my child, myself, no one else. I can't stand my birthday!
67. Life’s Beginning, Life’s (Almost) End
My 17th birthday. I was super depressed at that point in my life. My mom had her drunk, abusive, always fighting (now ex-)boyfriend over. All I wanted was just one day without him around. Instead, I locked myself in my room for the entire day (so as to avoid them) and planned my own end. Kinda ruined birthdays for me forever.
They're so bittersweet. I used to love them, but now I always remember back to that day. No birthday has ever been that bad since, but they're not super fun anymore. My 23rd birthday was a few weeks ago and when we were eating my cake, my mom made a scene about how nobody ever does anything for her (which is false). It made me really reflect on how my birthday never really got to be about me.
On a brighter note, I worked in a fourth-grade classroom this year, and my partner teacher threw me this big cupcake dance party for my birthday. All of the kids went crazy, they loved it so much. And I tried to play it cool, but wow, it felt really amazing to be celebrated like that. Never felt anything like it before.
68. They Won’t Suspect a Thing
My kid jumped through a glass coffee table in the living room while trying to jump over said table from the couch. This was as dinner was being served in the other room. So, my kid walks in, blood pouring out his legs—nothing major—and sits down. I ask him what the noise was. “The cushion jumped through the table.” He then proceeded to eat his dinner as if nothing happened. I’m raising a psychopath.
69. Listen Carefully
My mother called me in tears from laughing and told me that my sister—five years younger than me, probably 16 at this time—had just asked her, “I know this might be a silly question, but what's 'brah-tood'?” My mom is like, “What?” My sister thought that the “brought to you by” message when watching TV was "brah-tood," one word, and she had wondered about it for her whole life pretty much.
70. Last Place You Look
My 14-year-old son went into a dressing room to try on five pairs of pants. After waiting 15 minutes and yelling twice into the men’s dressing room to see if he was ok, he admitted he couldn’t find the shorts he had worn in. He gave me three pairs of pants and still couldn’t find them. I finally had to go into the stall to look.
They were balled up in the leg of one of the pair of pants. It was extremely noticeable. He swore he took his shorts off before trying on any of the pants so he didn’t think to look in them. I was speechless. He’s in the gifted and talented program in our school district.
71. Maybe Try an Air Freshener Next Time
My 13-year-old son was sniffing really hard and moving his head all around the area he was standing in. Slightly concerned he had lost his mind, I asked him what he was doing. He told me, “I farted. I'm trying to smell it all up, so you don’t have to smell it.” He's a thoughtful idiot.
72. Money Down the Drain—Literally!
One time, my kids decided that it would be fun to play in the bathroom. It just so happened that I left my wallet in the pocket of a pair of pants that were on the floor. They flushed about $400 down the toilet that day.
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73. The Building Blocks of Life as a Ladies’ Man
When my son was about five years old, we went to visit some relatives of ours in the Washington, D.C. area one summer. We were all riding on the Metro one day, when my son started to eye a very pretty professional-looking young woman. He made his way over to where she was sitting. "I've got a lot of blocks," he proceeded to tell her. "If you come to my room, I'll show you."
Then he made motorcycle noises for about 10 seconds, before we shuffled him away from her and brought him back to our seats.
74. At Least They’re Happy With Somebody!
My ex-husband was like the son that my parents had always wanted their actual son to be. So, they're pissed at my brother for not being more like him, and they're pissed at me because I divorced him. Double-whammy. Never mind the fact that we just fundamentally did not work as a couple. They basically see it as me stealing away their one chance at having “The Perfect Child” in a son-in-law. Oh well!
75. Now Where Did You Learn an Awful Word Like That, Kiddo?
I was driving with my kids in the car one time and was almost hit by a driver making a very stupid maneuver. I responded by angrily shouting out “Oh, now look at this freaking guy!” Evidently, my three-year-old son heard my exclamation, as he continued to repeat that exact phrase for the next month or so any time when we were stuck in traffic (Thankfully only in my presence).
It was a hard thing to correct with a straight face.
76. Hard to Stomach This Kind of Surveillance
My parents tracked my phone (this even continued in college), read my texts, emails and social media, searched my room weekly and sometimes my body. They’d take my door often. I was a straight-A student that never did anything wrong before they started that. Started acting out some and developed really bad anorexia because it was the only thing I had control over in my life.
My dad was also abusive, but this was their helicopter side. Now I can't wait to move across the country next summer and be far away from them. Just to clarify. I am not sick anymore. My anorexia went away when I left the house and went to college.
77. Driving Me Up the Wall
For my 16th birthday, my mom gave me a brochure about rock climbing. Not a rock climbing gift card or the plans to go rock climbing, just a brochure. I don’t even like rock climbing.
78. Speaking His Mind
When my son was four, we were once in the checkout line at the grocery store. There was a very obese man two people ahead of us and, unfortunately, my kid spotted him. He points and says very loudly "Mommy! Look how fat that man is!" My insides go cold. People around us are trying not to laugh. I say in a very firm voice "Son, that's not a nice thing to say."
To which he replies. "But he is really fat!" Then I tell him to just be quiet. It felt like the longest I've ever waited to check out.
79. A Grandma You Don’t Want to Be Messing With
As a kid, every single time I made a mistake of any kind, whether big or small, my mom would immediately go and tell my feisty grandma. My grandma would then proceed to tell the ENTIRE family all about it. As a result, whenever we had family meetups, I would never hear the end of it. On top of that, this same feisty grandma would always tell me that I didn't know anything, and would then proceed to tell others that I didn't know anything as well if I didn't have an immediate and correct answer to whatever question she decided to throw at me on a given day.
This even included things that I could have no way of knowing at the time of her asking—such as what my work schedule, that someone else made and over which I had absolutely no control, would be like, even though I hadn’t been able to see it yet. I am still very insecure about things like that to this very day as a result of that environment, and I always start to panic and feel uncomfortable when someone asks me a question that I don’t immediately know the answer to even years later. I guess the lesson of this and other people’s similar stories is that, unfortunately, even one’s own family can be super messed up at times.
80. Take Me Out to the Ball Game
My boss has Red Sox season tickets. She gave me a pair so I could bring my then 10-year-old son to a live baseball game. During the game, we ended up being shown on the "dance cam" on the stadium’s big screen. My sweet baby boy decided to flip Fenway Park the middle finger instead of just dancing like all the other kids the camera picked out.
As funny as it was for me, it was definitely a big swing and a miss as far as my boss was concerned!
81. Body Positivity
I was in a pool change room when my then three-year-old daughter asked me very loudly why my chest was not the same size and shape as another woman’s, who was standing right next to us getting dressed. She actually laughed and had a pretty good attitude towards the situation. Nevertheless, I was still dying on the inside!
82. An Unwanted Snack
My then two-year-old kid once puked, and it landed in my open mouth. I wished the Goblin King would come for him right there and then.
83. When the Temp Job Becomes a Permanent Hire
My dad went out for milk. He told me, as the eldest surviving kid, that I was "the man of the house" until he got back, so it was my obligation to help/defend/take care of them for him until he came back. He never came back.
84. Some Bonds Can Never Be Broken
My son is 31 years old right now and has been an addict since the age of 15. He has put our family through hell and then some. I'm deeply disappointed in him and we are currently estranged from each other, but he is still my son and I love him anyway.
85. High Hopes?
My son is 25 years old and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at around 15 years of age (or maybe even a little bit younger). After he became too old and too big for me to manage his meds, he refused to take them and his life has been a roller coaster of disasters ever since. Between prison time (both juvie and adult), bad decisions, substance use, fathering two children he doesn't see (with the same mom both times), and insisting on making up reasons to not speak to me and to blame me for his problems.
I'm done, because there’s honestly nothing I can do for him. At this point, I'm just waiting to get a phone call someday on where I need to go to identify the body.
86. Like the Brother Never Even Existed
It's like my brother's death is some kind of dark secret. We never, ever talk about him. It’s so strange, growing up I knew I had a brother and I knew he was hit and killed by a car walking home, but I don’t know anything about him aside from that. I’ve seen his pictures, I know what he looked like. I don’t know anything about his personality, his likes or his dislikes, the type of music he listened to. I once found his comics in my mom’s closet when I was younger, but that was about it.
It is almost like it’s just a story and he wasn’t a real person. It wasn’t until my grandfather died about 11 years ago that my mother and I walked to his grave. She broke down into an inaudible mess, and it really hit me for the first time ever that he was a real person, as crazy as that sounds. I don’t understand that pain of losing a child, but it hurt to see my mom mourn like that, almost as if it had just happened.
The only time since then he was ever mentioned was by my dad a few months ago. Out of my mother, father, and sisters, I’m the tallest. My dad told me how the only one of us who was taller than me was Jimmy, and how he always seemed to keep growing, how he probably would have towered over me. I almost cried. I wish I got to know him.
87. A Miscarriage of Privacy
When I was about 16, I was snooping in my parents' wardrobe. Found a diary written by my mother when she was 14, from the year 1970. Read some beautiful and brilliantly written entries about meeting and dating my dad, who was 16 at the time. I had to read a little between the lines in some slightly later entries as they were written with such flowery language.
In one such entry, all of a sudden, she discloses that she's had an abortion. It was performed by my grandfather, who was an anesthesiologist. She never told anyone.
88. A Series of Unfortunate Events
My birthday last month. I was pretty depressed. Everyone forgot it was my birthday. I got my period without any pads available, I forgot my lunch at home, and when I texted my friends asking if they still wanted to hang out after I had made some plans with them, it turns out they weren’t able to show up anymore. So, I took a bath, which broke the freaking faucet somehow, and then went to eat some of my birthday cake (made the day prior, and of which I had had only one slice) and discovered my brother had eaten it all.
I know it’s not super deep or anything, but that was a crummy day lol.
89. Your Lot in the Gene Pool
When I was a kid, my mom was a pretty messed up person, so I have an endless list of stories that I could offer on this subject. The one that comes to mind right now is the time she sent me to go pick up my younger brother from the pool. I, being an active 13-year-old kid, decide to join him and start playing with his friends instead.
I guess she got tired of waiting around for me and decided to come to the pool to check up on us. She showed up and found me in the pool (yes, wearing my regular street clothes, shame on me!) playing Marco Polo with the guys. She yelled my name, took her slipper off, and threw it at my head in front of everyone there.
Then she started calling me names like promiscuous for daring to swim with boys. Every guy there went quiet. I think the silence was one of the most unbearable things about this situation. It still prickles my skin when I think about it. I was so utterly embarrassed that I didn’t know what to do. I vividly remember that walk home, my head down in shame the entire time.
In hindsight, I can't believe that I actually thought I had done something horribly wrong. I cried myself to sleep. What's funny is that she didn't even ask my brother to come back with us. Screw you, Mom! I'm very glad that our relationship is much better now than it was back then, but you still made my childhood a living nightmare, so screw you!
90. Feels Forced
I woke up by myself on my 18th birthday (in my household it’s a tradition to sing happy birthday until the birthday person wakes up). No one was home; my family didn’t arrive until later that day, and still no congrats or anything. I was at that point really confused, but keeping my hopes up and semi-expecting a surprise party.
When we weren’t going anywhere for dinner or anything I finally broke my silence at the dinner table. I asked if anyone knew what day it was. My family had all forgotten it was my birthday, that crap really hurt. Even my grandma had forgotten and that was why she hadn’t stopped by that day. They tried to make it better the next day, but to me that wasn’t the same. It just felt forced.
91. Hear Him Roar!
One time, my son walked into the room and announced that he doesn't need to go school anymore because he already knows the name of 10 dinosaurs. Oh buddy. If only.
92. I Don’t Know Where It’s Been
So, I really overheard this conversation, but I did look during a long silent pause to see my dad actually on his knees, begging my mom to engage in intimate acts with him. I couldn’t hear what he said to her, but I did hear my mom stand her ground with, “It’s my body and it’s my choice. I don’t want to and you can’t force me to.”
Obviously, at the time, I wasn’t supposed to hear any of that conversation, and even now I’m not supposed to know that my mom was concerned because my dad was cheating on her, hooking up with tons of other women in multiple states, and she was worried about her safety. But I do. I don't think I could ever bring myself to tell her.
93. Getting Schooled
My daughter is currently home for the summer and heads back to college in a few days. I feel bad for saying this, but I'm honestly ashamed that she's still enrolled there. This will be her fifth semester there, but she was supposed to have failed all of her classes back in her second semester. And her third. And her fourth.
Every semester, she skips class and parties, not even attempting to do her school work. Then, when the school attempts to kick her out, she appeals the decision and somehow, I honestly have no idea how, she always gets her professors to bump up her grades just high enough for her to pass and continues on for another semester.
She has lost all of her scholarships and grants already. Initially, I was paying whatever tuition costs were left over, and then was paying 75% of her tuition while she received student loans for the rest of the amount. She was home for break last semester and I overheard her on the phone—what she said made me sick to my stomach. She was bragging to one of her friends about how she doesn't have to do any work because all she has to do is file an appeal to pass her classes.
I was absolutely appalled and, now that I know that, I'm not paying another dime for her. I just don't understand why she does it, or if I'm somehow responsible for causing this behavior as her father. But we were poor when she was younger and, even now, we're maybe lower middle class at best. She certainly wasn’t spoiled in any way and she saw how hard I worked to provide for her.
We had an agreement that when she turned 16, if she wanted a car, she was responsible for paying for gas. When that time eventually came, she got a part-time job, so I got her a used car. My thought was that working to earn gas money would teach her firsthand the value of a dollar. That was the best way I could think of to teach her and give her some real-life experience.
I don't know if it didn't stick or what, but she seems perfectly content to keep up the routine of slacking and expects to just get a degree handed to her on a silver platter. I worked extremely hard for everything I have in life, as well as for everything that she has. Her college fund was the result of me squirreling away every dime I could for over 10 years.
She's currently pissed at me for it, but I will not continue to use this money to literally buy her a degree that she doesn’t deserve. I've begrudgingly decided to take a step back and let her handle her education on her own from now on.
94. Sounds Promising...
Both of my kids joined a group of hippies. My daughter regularly conspires behind my back and my son, the little brat, challenges me at every possible opportunity. This will definitely not end well…
95. Life’s a Beach
When my daughter was around the age of eight, we were in the pool throwing a beach ball around one time. I tossed it to her. She caught it, then said to me "Is that all you've got, old man?" Yikes…
96. Pink is Cool, Really!
When I was eight, my godmother bought me a bike—a girl's bike—for my birthday. It was pink and had streamers. She meant well. My parents explained that she chose it because it was the bike she always wanted when she was a little girl, but never got. Still, it was hard as an eight-year-old boy to pretend I was happy with it knowing friends would tease me about it.
97. Pretty Petty
On my 16th birthday, my mother was in the middle of a several-year-long fight with her parents. She told me I should call them to see if they would like to come over for coffee (because she wouldn't call them herself). During the call, I'm talking to my grandmother and get the usual "happy birthday" and "how are you." It's important to note that I haven't seen them in months and we only lived like 10 minutes apart.
So, I ask if they would like to come over for coffee and my grandmother says she's going to ask my grandfather if he would like to go. Now I don't know if she didn't realize that she didn't cover the phone, but I heard them talking back and forth and heard my grandmother say, "I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want to go over there."
I already felt when I was a kid that they didn't love me as much as my older sibling, but this was the confirmation that it was true. They couldn't get past their BS and come see their granddaughter on her birthday. When she began talking to me, she said some sort of excuse as to why they couldn't come over. I didn't hear it; I was trying not to cry so I could still talk.
We said our "I love yous," though it was hard for me, and hung up. I just went to my room and laid down and cried. I didn't give a crap about anything and just wanted the day to be over. My mother had a small surprise party for me by having my friends over, I tried my best to pretend to be happy and have fun, but I just wanted it to end.
I was so mad and so hurt that I just wanted to crawl in bed and stay there forever.
98. A Game of Inches
It was very early in the morning, and I was sleeping in my bed. My two-year-old woke up before me, and decided that she was going to wake me up as well. She climbed out of her bed, went into the kitchen, built a set of makeshift stairs to reach the kitchen cutlery, grabbed a knife, and headed to my bedroom. She climbed into my bed, and then stabbed me an inch below my eye.
I awoke to find her holding said knife right over my head while giggling like a supervillain.
99. Pawn Stars
My teenage kid pawned my wedding ring to buy drugs for themselves. I’m not sure how they will ever be able to make up for that.
100. Don’t Stop Believing
My dad is out of state on business driving through some no-name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly, a cop pulls him over and tickets him—stating that he ran a stop sign. My dad insisted that there was not any stop sign, but the cop did not listen. Pissed, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was indeed a stop sign hidden behind a tree and twisted in the wrong direction!
Even more pissed, he went into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera. The clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up.
Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket, and was shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge, and strolled out in five minutes scot-free.
101. Family Values
My mother is a terrible person. And I don’t say that lightly. She has stolen medication from me after I had oral surgery. On two occasions (a decade apart from each other), she stole my identity and my sibling’s, opened several fraudulent credit card accounts in our names, maxed them out (tens of thousands of dollars), and never made a single payment.
She tells people that she’s a nurse when she barely even finished high school. She also often makes up extravagant and potentially damaging lies, all of which she believes she’ll never be caught for. Yes, she’s a terrible person, but my dad isn’t—so when my now-adult daughter was an adolescent, my mother was allowed to spend time with her.
A few years ago, I’d lost my job, was having trouble finding employment, and had to trade in my sports car for a Sedan so that I could drive rideshare to make ends meet. My mother told my daughter and several relatives that my car had been repossessed for nonpayment. It was upsetting, but I knew just what I had to do.
I took great satisfaction in clearing by name by showing the dealership papers to my daughter, my relatives, and yes, the shrewish, lying old jerk herself as well. The aftermath was both hilarious and sad, as she tends to have a vile temper.
102. Okay, Maybe This is the World’s Worst Dad
On my 14th birthday, my dad forgot how old I was, stole my wallet, and then called me and left a voicemail saying that he's not proud of me and I'm not his daughter anymore.
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