Kids are funny—but they can also be scary at times. As much as we like to think of them as cute little munchkins who can do no harm, there is often a lot more to them than meets the eye. Whether intentionally or not, sometimes kids do and say things that are so aggressive, surprising, or just plain shocking that it can only leave their bewildered parents wondering, “What’s really going on inside those mini brains?”
Here are 42 stories of kids’ funniest “weird flex, but okay!” moments.
1. Hear Him Roar!
One time, my son walked into the room and announced that he doesn’t need to go school anymore because he already knows the name of 10 dinosaurs. Oh buddy. If only.
2. Well Done, Kiddo!
My seven-year-old once said “I know everything until you ask me a question!”
3. Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You
My son started second grade this week. A couple of weeks ago, the school sent out postcards to all of the parents with the date and time of the “open house” for us to attend, as well as his teacher’s name. When we got that card in the mail, I asked my son if he was excited to be in Mrs. So and So’s class and he said yes, but that he was also worried.
I asked what he was worried about, and he said “What if she falls in love with me and wants to marry me?” I laughed and reassured him that he need not worry, since she was already married.
4. The Building Blocks of Life as a Ladies’ Man
When my son was about five years old, we went to visit some relatives of ours in the Washington, D.C. area one summer. We were all riding on the Metro one day, when my son started to eye a very pretty professional-looking young woman. He made his way over to where she was sitting. “I’ve got a lot of blocks,” he proceeded to tell her. “If you come to my room, I’ll show you.”
Then he made motorcycle noises for about 10 seconds, before we shuffled him away from her and brought him back to our seats.
5. Life’s a Beach
When my daughter was around the age of eight, we were in the pool throwing a beach ball around one time. I tossed it to her. She caught it, then said to me “Is that all you’ve got, old man?” Yikes…
6. Predicting the Future
A friend of mine had two young boys. The older one, maybe five years old at the time, was sitting with my pal one day, then pointed at a white hair, and said “What’s this, papa?” My friend said “Oh, that just means I’m getting old.” His son then looked at him, dead serious, turned to look at his brother, and said “Well, I guess it’ll just be us and mom soon, huh?”
7. The Most Beautiful Girl in the World
As a kid, I ran around telling everyone that I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I even once told my mom’s friend that Shirley Temple was ALMOST as cute as me. I had used up all my confidence by the age of three.
8. You Are What You Wear
My six-year-old son recently put his foot down, letting me know that it was not okay for me to tell him what he could or could not wear because he is allowed to have “his own fashion.” Ok, fine. Shorts, sandals, and one black sock it is.
9. Now Where Did You Learn an Awful Word Like That, Kiddo?
I was driving with my kids in the car one time and was almost hit by a driver making a very stupid maneuver. I responded by angrily shouting out “Oh, now look at this freaking guy!” Evidently, my three-year-old son heard my exclamation, as he continued to repeat that exact phrase for the next month or so any time when we were stuck in traffic (Thankfully only in my presence).
It was a hard thing to correct with a straight face.
10. Take Me Out to the Ball Game
My boss has Red Sox season tickets. She gave me a pair so I could bring my then 10-year-old son to a live baseball game. During the game, we ended up being shown on the “dance cam” on the stadium’s big screen. My sweet baby boy decided to flip Fenway Park the middle finger instead of just dancing like all the other kids the camera picked out.
As funny as it was for me, it was definitely a big swing and a miss as far as my boss was concerned!
11. They Grow Up So Fast!
Back when my son was only five years old, a kind waitress at Applebee’s once asked him his age. She was just making small talk, but he proudly exclaimed, “I’m five, and I pooped today!” I’m pretty sure that everyone within four tables of us heard the remark. As I told my son, I was confident they were all very impressed with his achievement.
12. Who Gives a Tuck?
My nephew is only four years old but acts as if he’s cooler than everyone else. Why? Because he can tuck in his shirt all by himself.
13. Ants and Uncles
I once caught my youngest son (about three years old at the time) peeing in the corner of his room, right next to the wastebasket and sort of behind a bookshelf. When I asked him why he was doing that when there was a bathroom right next to his room, he said something utterly terrifying: he was “watering the ants.”
Confused about what ants and why, I went over and peeked behind the bookshelf. I found the ants. I also found the half donut that he swiped and shoved back there at some earlier point, along with various bits of candy, a slice of bread, and most of a chicken nugget. Apparently, he had seen an ant and decided to cultivate his own little ant farm in the corner of his room. He viewed himself as their benevolent, peeing king.
The whole thing was so absurd that I had a hard time holding it together while attempting to explain to him that the ants would do just fine without his feeding them and urinating on them.
14. He Clearly Reads Between the Lines
My son once did something ridiculous. When he was being punished one time a few years ago, my wife took everything he had (as in every toy) out of his room, with him screaming and protesting the entire while. When she was done, he actually had the freakin’ temerity to say “You forgot my books!” I thought my wife was about to have a stroke when she heard that…
15. There’s No Way This Could Be Reverse Psychology!
My child once threw a temper tantrum because he didn’t want any more cookies. Yes, you read that right. I don’t understand the logic behind it either. I told him before he ate his cookie that he was only getting one. He ate it and said “I don’t get no more cookies.” I reply, “Nope. No more today.”Him: “No, mommy! I don’t want any more cookies!” Me: “Ok.”
Cue huge tantrum.
16. Who’s Your Daddy?
I was the weirdly flexing kid myself in this case. When I was six years old, my absent father came back into town and briefly re-entered my life. I responded by parading him around to all of my friends, braggingly saying “This is my dad, everyone! I bet you all thought I didn’t have a dad, but I do!” He was gone again within the month.
17. Throwing in the Towel
I was having some fun and throwing my young nieces around in the pool earlier this summer, when the four-year-old one suddenly grabbed a pool noodle. She looked right at me with a face that seemed to unmistakably say, “Today, you’re gonna get hurt.” Reader, that tiny little girl was correct. She made sure of it.
18. Leaving His Mark
I’m 11 years older than my little brother. When he was four years old, he went around the entire neighborhood and wrote his name on everyone’s garage doors in really big letters with a permanent marker.
19. I Guess Size Does Matter After All
My four year old son kept peeing all over the toilet seat because he absolutely refused to hold his private part in place while doing his business. I told him that he had to start holding it from now on. His response was epic. My little boy sighed, so exasperatedly, and said, “I can’t hold it, because it’s too big!” Okay, bud.
20. He Should Write an Advice Column
When my son was small, he kept a notebook full of little “life hacks” that he thought of all by himself. Here are a few examples: Never wear a cowboy suit in Ireland. When your parents ask you to do chores, pretend to be asleep and they’ll forget. Always try realy (sic) hard. Don’t pronounce mom like mom say mum it’ll be cooler.
Be scared of the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Make your day better with seafood!!! Never say you are doing nothing to a parent. Never fight in a war. Always get the biggest bed. Never eat nuts you find in your yard
There’s 325 of these tips in total, and they are all awesome.
21. Thank Me So Much!
My three year old was playing outside the other day. At one point, I saw that he was stabbing the ground with a stick, so I asked,”Whatcha up to, buddy?” He replied, “I’m digging holes for the ants to climb into.” Cute! Until he abruptly added on the following phrase. He then said, “That’s so sweet of me, mom!” He’s a nut.
22. Good Intentions
My son will intentionally poop in the shower from time to time, just to watch me clean it up afterwards.
23. It’s Called Brains, Mom
Me: “Katie, you have to eat three more green beans before you’re excused from the dinner table.”
My five year old: “No! No more!”
Me: “You must eat three more.”
My five year old daughter: “No! I’m gonna eat four more!!”
Oh no! You got me good.
24. Guess Who’s Throwing Away Their Dinner
Completely out of the blue, my toddler just threw her entire dinner on the floor, started clapping her hands, yelled out “HOOOOOOORRRRRRRAAAAAYYYYY!” as loudly as her little lungs could possibly allow her to, and then looked right at me while holding up her palm for a high five. Much to her surprise, I did not give her one.
25. I Think I’m Losing My Mind Over This One!
On a family trip to Washington, D.C. several years back, I was walking through the Capitol Building with my then four-year-old son when a man on crutches with one amputated leg got into the same elevator as us. My son then said, in a fully audible whisper, “Mom, what happened to that guy’s leg?” The man had heard his comment and responded in a truly amazing way.
He kindly replied that he had lost his leg a little over a year ago. My son didn’t miss a beat and confidently said “Oh, is that all? You should check between the couch cushions! My mom says she always loses all her crap in there!” I was utterly appalled. The man, on the other hand, was laughing so hard he was crying.
26. War of the Worlds
My son once let out a high-pitched screech while playing a video game. I told him to knock it off. A few seconds later, I heard him whisper to himself, “But it’s my battle cry!”
27. I’ll Save You the Trouble
My friend once tried to teach his daughter about how to pick up after herself and put away her toys. When she didn’t do it one time, my friend told her that he was going to throw away everything that was still on the floor. So, she picked them up and put them in the trash can for him.
28. Whine ‘Em and Dine ‘Em
In this case, I was the kid and not the parent—but this definitely counts as a weird flex as far as I’m concerned. When I was really young, I once used a curse word and my mom decided to punish me using the old fashioned tactic of washing my mouth out with soap. As she began to do it, my response was simply to say “Mmm, this soap is freaking delicious!
29. A Perfect Record—So Far!
My son was in the tub one evening and decided to ask me exactly how old he was.
Me: “Ummmmm, let’s see. You are exactly four years, 10 months, and four days old.”
After a few moments of deep thought, I heard him say quietly and reverently to himself:
“Hmm, and I haven’t been bitten by a single wild animal in all that time…”
Oh man. It still kills me every time I think about it.
30. Singin’ in the Rain
While I was casually singing to myself one time, my two year old wandered into the room and told me: “Daddy, stop it! No singing! You sing wrong. Listen to me!”
31. Let’s Talk Turkey
This just happened a day ago. For a little bit of context, I have recently been calling people “turkeys” in the car on a fairly frequent basis whenever my son is around and I need to vent. My son is three years old, so this has been a good way of getting my aggression out without having to ever actually use swear words in front of him.
So yesterday, I was picking up my wife and son from the beach since parking is expensive as heck. As I was trying to turn around on this public street, these two young hoodlum-type characters were passing by on bikes and riding extremely close to my car as I was moving in reverse. I said, “These kids ought to be more careful or they are gonna get hit by a car one day.”
Without missing a beat, my son then shouted out “Yeah, these guys are a bunch of freaking turkeys!” I was dying for a bit and then told him not to say that word. Secretly, though, I was pretty proud that he had put that one together. It was exactly what I was thinking. I guess my son is just a chip off the old block!
32. Show Them What You’re Made Of
My daughter once told me that she is made out of love (which I have told her before) and that means that, therefore, she can do anything. Therefore, I can’t hold her hand while she walks on the walls like Spider-Man.
33. I Get a Kick Out of This Story
I’m not a parent, but I teach swimming lessons to little kids, so I have tons of examples of the hilarious stuff that they tend to say—including my fair share of weird flexes. For example, there was this one five-year-old kid. On his first day of lessons, he was like, “I’m not very good at kicking.” So I said, “That’s okay. Nobody is perfect at everything.” Dead serious, he then just goes, “No, I usually am perfect at everything!”
34. I’m Sure He Appreciated That!
I was the kid in this case. For parent-teacher conferences one year, we had to make a chart about our parents and share it with them. One of the instructions was that we had to describe three things that they do. I wrote about my father: “Dad. Drives a Jeep. Drinks beer. Yells a lot.” You can imagine how well that meeting went.
35. Control Freak
My daughter once told me that she used to control me from the inside when she was in my tummy.
36. Getting the Hang of It
My son is a free runner in his spare time, so I often find him in weird places. He’s 16 years old now but, even as a baby, I would always find him in the most bizarre places that would only leave me wondering how he could possibly have ended up there. Over the years, I’ve found him on top of the piano, at the top of our closet, you name it! He could climb anywhere.
One time, I found him standing in the branches of a tree down the street, staring off into space. I asked what he was doing, and he aggressively said, “I’m just hanging out.” Okay, man. Whatever works for you.
37. The Shape I’m In
My little boy is extremely proud of his own ability to get the automatic soap foam dispenser to form a poop shape on his hand when he pours it out.
38. He’s a Boy Who Likes to Speak His Mind
Many years ago, my son was once in the car with my father in law and some lady cut him off on the road. So, my father in law instinctively yelled out “You freaking piece of poo!” (but not those words). About five minutes later, in his best attempt to recreate the unfamiliar words he had just heard his grandfather say for the first time, my son said, “Grandpa, what does ‘bucken sucken’ mean?”
My father in law basically explained to him that it was a bad thing and that he should never say it again. He was hoping that this explanation would be the end of the matter but, lo and behold, that was not to be the case. For months following that drive, I’d hear my son shout out “Bucken sucken!” any time when he dropped something or made a mistake. Each time, I would ask him what it meant and where he had heard it. Each time, he would just say that he forgot–leaving me completely baffled as to what he was getting at.
Then, one day, I happened to bring this up to my father in law. It was then that he finally came clean and told me the full story of what had happened and what my son was actually trying to say. It’s been about 12 years since this story took place and, to this day, whenever I drop something, I still shout out “Bucken sucken!”
39. What Fools These Mortals Be!
A few years ago, I had an Amber Alert hit my phone one night while my then six-year-old daughter was playing a game on it. She asked me what it was and so I explained to her that it was a message which gets sent out by the police if a kid gets kidnapped or goes missing. She looked at the message again and saw that it was for a town that is over two hours away from where we live.
She then asked me why they sent it to us if the people in question are so far away. I said it was because they want everyone to try their best to look around and find the kid. I then asked her, “Wouldn’t you want everyone out there to try and look for you as hard as they could if you ever got kidnapped or went missing? After all, they want to find the kid quickly so that she doesn’t get killed.”
My daughter then leaned over close to my ear and whispered, in a fully serious tone, “That could never happen. I’m very difficult to kill.” Alright then…
40. I Think He Probably Said That By Accident…
My son, four years old at the time, was (I guess) trying to impress the six-year-old girl who was our next door neighbor back then. He leaned casually onto his arm and said, “I have lots of accidents, pee and poop accidents.” I hope for his sake that his pickup lines improve some day.
41. Working His Way to the Truth
When my boy was four, he asked me when he would be able to meet Batman. I explained to him that Batman wasn’t real and that he was just a fictional comic book character. He explained that he understood, of course, that there were fictional Batman cartoons and movies out there where he was merely played by actors or cartoon voice artists.
Nevertheless, he was interested in meeting the real Batman at some point in the future. So, I explained to him that, unfortunately, there was no real Batman to meet and that the entire character was just pretend. Utter. Devastation. He absolutely broke down in the parking lot of the grocery store just as we were about to go inside to get our groceries. It took me no less than a full 15 minutes to calm him down. Finally, he took a deep breath and got over it.
“Thank you for telling me the truth, daddy,” he said. So, I loaded him up into the shopping cart and we were finally ready to start picking up our dinner ingredients when, all of a sudden, he gives me a look of almost terror and yells “SO IS SPIDER-MAN PRETEND TOO???!!” Uh-oh. About five minutes later, after calming him down for the second time, we see a soldier walking by in his camouflage uniform. The poor dude was just trying to get some kind of frozen dinner for himself and mind his own business.
“ARE SOLDIERS REAL???” my son blurts out, visibly ready to explode once again depending on how I choose to answer. Meanwhile, the soldier guy just pauses like “wha..?” So I say, “Yes buddy, soldiers are very real and they’re definitely heroes. Your grandma was a soldier, my grandpa was a soldier, this guy’s a soldier, and they’re all real life heroes.”
The dude gives me this look like what in the world is going on, so I explain to him that we had just learned a few minutes earlier that Batman and Spiderman are both pretend. I then pivoted my explanation to “but soldiers and firemen and policemen are all real–and all of them are heroes in real life.” Kiddo then looks up and blurts out through an ocean of tears and snot “th-tha-a-ank you-u-u f-for b-b-be-ing a heroooo-o-o-o..”
The poor soldier guy was like “Ummm. I mean, I’m just part of my unit -” when my son blurts out “A UNIT FULL OF HEROIC SOLDIERS, and thank you all for being heroes!” I cut him off, not wanting to confuse my son into another tantrum. We both shook the soldier’s hand and then wheeled the heck out of there.We spent the rest of the night clarifying things to my now calmer little boy. Superman, Darth Vader: not real. Barack Obama, forest fires, weird fish deep in the ocean: real.
Finally, he asks, “And submarines are real?” I say, “Yep.” He replies, “Good.” I ask, “What do you mean?” My ignorant son says, “I know everything now.” Definitely one of the weirdest kid flexes I’ve ever seen.
42. Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Back when I was an after-school tutor for primary school kids, I once excused a boy to go to the bathroom. He came back to class about five minutes later, immediately informing me that he had just made the “biggest poo” in the history of the world. He then stated that he intentionally didn’t flush, so that I could come and look at it.
I told him I thought that was great and all, but it was art time and so I would not be heading over to the bathroom. He then retorted that his big poo was art.