Getting busted can be one of the worst feelings—but on the other hand, catching someone red-handed can be so, so satisfying. These people have been on both sides of the equation, and their wild stories range from absolutely hilarious to utterly devastating.
1. Caught Red-Handed
My then-boyfriend had let me use his iPad to watch a movie on Netflix. He had his messenger account linked to both his tablet and his phone, and messages kept popping up on it while I was watching without him realizing I could see. I got to watch in real-time as he got his best friend’s wife to agree to sleep with him over the coming holiday weekend.
The worst part? The promise that he’d get rid of me for that weekend so they could get intimate in our bed.
2. Hopefully, This Never Happens to Anyone Again
I was showing my grandmother pictures from my trip to Washington State. We were having a great time as I was going through the pictures I took at Mount Rainier, Olympic National Park, and the Puget Sound ferry. Right in the middle of a great picture, my wife texts me about wanting to try out our new bedroom toy. It was literally just the smiling devil emoji and the words “Want to try out the new bedroom toy?”
I don’t think I’ve ever blushed so red in my entire life.
3. The Law Won
I was driving when another driver merged into my lane without yielding (ignoring the yield sign) and he almost clipped the front of my car. There was a cop right behind me who turned on his lights and flagged the guy down. My friends/I celebrated by yelling justice. It made my day.
4. Google Knows Everything
I signed into my girlfriend’s Google Account to check her emails. She had forgotten her password and had asked me to reset it. I happened to click over to Google Maps, where I checked her history, only to make an utterly disturbing discovery. Her most recent visits had been to my best friend’s house while I was away for work.
+1 for Google Maps.
5. Light It Up
I got caught by my dad with a cigarette the same year he lost his mother to lung cancer. Think I was 18. We were camping, and he was coming to the island’s big fire where all the people out in the dock have beers for the night. He was bringing me one. He didn’t say a word about it.
6. It Takes One to Tango
As a teenager, after watching a cop show about a kidnapping, I got really curious about what it would be like to be tied up. With some flexibility and creativity, I managed to get myself gagged and pretty securely bound to a kitchen chair. I could still get loose but not without some wiggling. My mom came home early, and I couldn’t get loose in time. She FREAKED, thinking I had been robbed.
Then, when she untied me, I explained, she thought I was a freak. Haha.
7. Good Art Comes From Inside
When I was six years old my mother used to babysit my neighbor Annie. Annie was a very artistic girl; she loved to color and draw everything she saw. One day, I was playing Star Fox 64 on my Nintendo 64 and Annie was watching. Of course, being too absorbed in the game, I never turned around to see her greatest work of art.
My mom walks in the room to check on us and lets out a scream…Annie had made a drawing of a triangular looking ship with a circle around it. It was Star Fox doing a barrel roll…except she didn’t make it with paint. She made it with poop.
8. Get Ready for Crash-Landing
Just got on a flight in London headed to Vegas. Sitting next to my GF, and she wants to show me something she has planned for the trip, so she gets out her phone. It opens to the Messages and shows a chat with a guy (I know him) saying how much she is gonna miss him and how she doesn’t wanna go away with me anyway. The doors close on the plane. That was a really freaking fun 10-11hrs…
9. Can’t Pay for That Kind of Love
We were engaged, and he had a drinking problem. He was blacked out, accidentally butt-dialed me, and I listened to the whole thing…only to find out after that it was with a prostitute.
10. Cheesy Tunes
About a year ago, my parents caught me singing to my microwave while I was waiting for it to warm up a piece of pizza. This all happened at 4 in the morning, when I thought my parents were staying at a friend’s. Oh, I almost forgot that I was naked.
11. First Time is the Worst Time
Well…In high school, I was on the verge of losing my virginity to my girlfriend of two years who also happened to be my neighbor. The scene was set perfectly, both my parents were gone (dad was out of town and mom was working until nine) and I had just asked her to prom that day… So things are getting hot and heavy, and all the sudden I hear a noise downstairs, but assume it’s one of my cats wreaking havoc as usual.
Things continue and about a minute later my (extremely conservative) mom walks in, and as the door opens she lets out a faint scream and runs downstairs. BUSTED. Now while this moment was awful enough, after going downstairs to face my mother who had immediately called my (also very conservative) dad, she goes on a rant about how irresponsible I am and how protection doesn’t always work, and I’m proof of that.
So that’s the story of how my relationship was ruined (just got really awkward after that) and I found out I was an accident. Maybe the act itself isn’t anywhere near as embarrassing as some of the ones on here, but I swear the situation made it mortifying.
12. Put a Ring On It
I called her at work and their receptionist asked, “Is this her boyfriend, Dave?” “No… it’s her fiancé.” I’d had suspicions for a few months before that but this was the clincher.
13. Out to Lunch
When we fell on some hard times many years ago, my wife took a pretty shady job at a local factory. The first two weeks she was there, she had her lunch stolen at least five or six times. Even open drinks. I was pretty pissed. I would often grill for her or make her lunch, yet she was going hungry. One night, I bought a big Gatorade and mixed in a box of women’s laxatives, both red in color. We found out who the thief was.
14. An Inconvenient Throwback
Boyfriend finally convinces me to have a threesome after months of begging. I finally agree, and our mutual friend comes over. Things get hot and heavy, and when he starts being with her, he moans “Darn, you feel even better than usual!” Everyone freezes. He tries to tell me that he was thinking about me while being with her, and that it just felt differently, but she felt so guilty that she confessed on the spot and begged me to forgive her. We don’t really talk anymore, but last I heard she had been dating my ex for over a year.
15. Well That Escalated Quickly…
I caught my ex when we were both standing in the examining room, getting his “UTI treatment.” Doc came in and said gonorrhea. He lied for a whole 2-3 months I imagine. Even lied about how he got it, tried convincing me he accidentally swiped his genitals in some mystery fluids in a gas station toilet (what in the world…).
When he realized I wasn’t that stupid, he tried to drink random bottles on the doctor’s shelf. He started hitting himself. He fell on his knees sobbing and tried grabbing my hands and begging for me not to leave. He threatened murder-suicide that entire night, and assaulted me for close to nine hours when I was trying to pack my bags to leave. He choked me in the driveway.
I just spoke at his sentencing this Thursday. He is a convicted felon now. I hope he’s grown from this.
16. Did He Get an A+?
I caught my boyfriend of two years. He had asked me to proofread his paper on his Mac and the text messenger popped up in the right hand. He was sitting in his bed texting some girl “goodnight, I love you” while sitting right next to me in his bed. I deleted his entire paper, wrote “Who’s Marissa?” saved it and told him it looks great and left. She was his girlfriend of eight years who lived next to his parents two hours away.
17. Do You Really Want to Know?
She left her diary lying around. Which is to say, in her unguarded bookshelf. I was hanging at her place while she was in class and I read a few of the most recent entries. Fully knowing I was opening a Pandora’s Box of secrets better left closed as we had been growing more distant lately.
Big surprise, she wrote about falling for the other guy and how she didn’t know how to leave me. She then mentioned how the sex was much better with me and how he was sort of a dead fish. Which initially made me feel a bit better until I read that she had gone out shopping for Valentine’s day gifts and had apparently gone all out on him but hit the clearance racks for me. Gifts aren’t important to me, but that deep forethought it took to make that sort of decision really irked me.
So… I waited for her to get home, and we had the MOST intense angry sex I’ve ever had in my life. I knew it was going to be the last time I’d ever get to enjoy her body, so I just went to town. The tough bit is that she was certainly enjoying it more than me without the weight of impending heartache on her mind. It got so intense someone knocked on the door to make sure everything was alright, to which she breathlessly replied “Ooooh yeah!” which is still a source of pride for me, honestly. However, I’ll never forget that feeling after, staring up at the ceiling and listening to her breathing heavy still and just knowing.
18. If He Can Make It There, He Can Make It Anywhere
He went to NYC on a business trip and his phone was constantly going straight to voicemail whenever I called. When I finally got in touch with him he said that he was having a hard time getting a signal… in midtown Manhattan. So I called his office and asked for him and they were totally confused. It turns out he was in another state visiting someone he met on the internet.
19. Don’t Stop Believing
My dad is out of state on business driving through some no-name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly, a cop pulls him over and tickets him—stating that he ran a stop sign. My dad insisted that there was not any stop sign, but the cop did not listen. Pissed, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was indeed a stop sign hidden behind a tree.
More that that, it was twisted in the wrong direction! Even more pissed, he went into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera. The clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up. Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket.
So he was shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge, and strolled out in five minutes scot-free.
20. If These Walls Could Talk…
I got my first kiss on the lips when I was about eight years old. That night, I went home and decided since things were heating up in my newfound relationship, that I ought to get to practicing. I decide the wall is a safe bet and begin to make out with it. Then I start whispering to the wall, pretending it is my third-grade boyfriend. I hear a floorboard creak and look over to see my grandma standing in the doorway.
She backs away, looking down at the ground. This has haunted me for so long and so deeply that I think about it at least once a week.
21. Dental Hygiene is a Matter of Black and White
When I bought my first pair of night-vision goggles, I had them delivered to the TV station I worked at, not trusting my neighbors to leave my stuff alone. So, I took a break and tried them out in the only truly dark room I could find. The men’s room. A coworker came in, flicked on the lights, and was startled to find me in the middle of the room, blinded by the sudden flash of normal light, brushing my teeth in the pitch dark with night vision goggles.
I had to go talk to HR about it. He was freaked out.
22. You’re Fired
I was 19 shopping with a friend. She was (still is) a smaller person than myself. She was trying on a shirt and needed a size up so i took it back out to find a bigger size. I couldn’t locate it so I ask a sales girl if she could help me find a bigger size. She takes the shirt in a gruff way. I ignore it. She comes back with a hat and hands it to me. I say, “Um what’s this?”
She said, “This is the only thing in this store that will fit you”, contempt dripping from her lips. I’m like, oh I see. I go to the dressing room, tell my friend we need to leave now. She gets dressed. Tries to clean her mess I tell her leave it. We walk out, I go to the register with the hat, it’s busy. My friend asks what’s up with the hat. I say loudly, ”
According to that girl this is the only thing in the store that fits me.” My friend, shocked, lost her mind. Because her parents owned the store. That’s how I got a girl fired because I was feeling petty. Saw that girl later that week where I worked. I smiled and showed her what customer service should be.
23. Smooth as a Baby’s Bottom
When I was going through puberty, I started getting a lot of hair on my butt, which I hated. So, I started shaving my butt. One time, my older brother decided to try and throw a cup of freezing cold water on me in the shower. He rips open the curtain to me slightly bent over with shaving cream on my butt and a razor in my hand.
He stops for a second, throws the cup anyway then proceeds to laugh uncontrollably and tell everyone in the house what he caught me doing.
24. The Language of Puppy Love
As a pet sitter, sometimes you get lonely when the majority of your interactions are with animals. So, to combat this I sometimes pretend to be the inner voice of whatever dog I’m walking, responding out loud to whatever they’re sniffing or whatever grabs their attention. Each dog has his/her own individual weird voice as well.
More than once, people have walked around a corner to hear me doing this.
25. Too Young to Drive Like That
Oh man. So, I must have been about 12. I was in the car with my mom. To set the scene, it was a three-row soccer mom van, and I was in the second row behind the passenger seat with my mom driving. Well since I was 12, I got my random hormone boner. Strange and awkward enough right? Well, I decided that I would pretend I was driving and that my boner was the stick shift…mom caught me.
26. Dial 1 for Infidelity
The phone bill was three times bigger than it should have been. Over 400 minutes to one number. The kicker was that she also had a company cell phone with unlimited calls that I obviously never would have known about, and the guy was someone she worked with. She literally wanted to get caught because she was too weak to tell me to my face.
27. Undone by the Panty Raid
I went to her 18th birthday party. I wandered around mingling with all her friends, and then I realized I hadn’t seen her anywhere in like 45 minutes. I thought nothing of it at first, but then I went downstairs to use the basement bathroom. It was locked. I knocked, and I heard a very breathy female voice say, “Occupied! Go Away!” Since I really had to go, I decided to wait.
GF came stumbling out of the bathroom with some guy about ten minutes later, looking all flustered and stinking of really cheap weed. Apparently, the guy bought himself a bathroom quickie with a few hits of a crummy toke. She made some excuse about how they were “just talking” and he was an old friend. I shrugged, actually wanting to believe her.
But when I went in to finally take a leak, the stupid girl had forgotten her panties on the bathroom floor. I handed them to her in front of all her friends upstairs and walked out. “Here. You forgot these in the bathroom downstairs.” It was one of those classic zinger moments when you really burned someone, but at the time, I just felt sick and brokenhearted.
28. Long-Distance Replacement
He took a job up north because it paid really well. 6-12 months, tops. Then he would come home, and we’d buy a house together and get married. We had been together for 3 years at this point. It was hard, doing the long-distance thing. We talked on the phone every night. One night, I called his room.
“Hello?” Female voice. My heart sank. “Uh. Um. Is Jonathan there?” “Who’s this?” “Uh, his freaking girlfriend?!” She laughed and hung up on me. The end.
29. Not Time for a Selfie
When I was about five or six I was at a friend’s house for the weekend and for some reason I got naked and jumped up and down on his parents’ bed. My friend takes this camera which he says has no film in it and takes loads of pictures with the flash pretending it’s some weird kind of photo shoot. Seriously, OHGODWHY. Anyway as it turns out the camera DID have film in it and they didn’t realize until the dad took it to get developed and got asked some very serious questions by the cops. Yeah. Didn’t go to that friend’s house anymore after that.
30. Not to Dump All This on You
This was when I was around eight years old. I went to bed, and I’d always had the habit of going to the toilet in my sleep. Half sleepwalking to the toilet, taking a poop/piss, and moving back to bed with the very vaguest knowledge of what happened the next morning. One night, I did so as usual. I got up, went to the toilet, sat down and started my business.
For some reason, my mother came in after me, and started shaking me. I had no idea why, so I just kept going. I had to poop, ya know? She then started pushing me towards a seat and was encouraging me to dump on the seat. Confused, and half asleep, I did so. What the heck, it’s her problem getting feces off the chair.
Turns out I never originally made it to the toilet, instead, I took a dump in the middle of the carpeted hallway. She was actually trying to guide me to the toilet. Not the most dignified moment of my life.
31. Too Tied Up
I was playing around with a dog’s choke chain and managed to get my wrists and ankles so wrapped up in it I couldn’t get it untangled. I had to yell downstairs for my mom and she had to borrow our neighbors’ bolt cutters…
32. Parting Gifts
When I was about 7-8 I was extremely afraid of public restrooms and really had to poop at the grocery store. I decided to sit down to relax my stomach until we got home but in doing so, I accidentally pooped. My sister walked into the aisle and asked what I was doing and I said “looking at stuff.” On the ride home, my Dad asked if I farted so I said “Uhhh, yep” and everyone thought it was gross. By the time we got home everyone had figured it out and I was really embarrassed.
33. Anything for the Money
When I was around six or seven I thought any type of money was a lot. Of course, when you’re a kid you think even one dollar is like you’ve won the lottery. Well, one day I was at the mall with my mom and aunt, and my aunt thought it might be funny to test this money theory she had. I went off with her to go shopping while my mom did her own shopping.
My evil aunt offered me a crisp one-dollar bill to take off my shirt and pants and run around the mall with a pair of underpants she had bought me on my head screaming “Don’t judge me” as I ran. About ten minutes into this, I was captured by the mall cops and they called in my mom to their office. Somehow, she hadn’t seen me running around but when she stepped through that door to find her 6/7-year-old son in his underpants with another pair on his head she was completely shocked.
34. Anatomy Academy
I was watching Police Academy when I was about eight. There is a scene at a beach party where there are a few naked breasts on show. My mum walks in to catch me licking the TV screen where the bare breasts were.
35. Monkey See, Monkey Poo
Alright, I’ve told this one before but I’m going to have to do it again. When I was about four or five a few of my cousins were over visiting and we were swimming in the pool. I always really looked up to them because they’re 8-12 years older than me and of course I wanted to emulate them. So, we’re swimming in the pool when my cousin Jonathan decides to rip a massive fart underwater.
Obviously, being the kids we are, this is hilarious and Nathaniel (other cousin) and I try to out-fart Jonathan. Nathaniel farts a few times and we busted a gut laughing and now it’s my turn to save face and become “one of the guys.” I strain and strain and a few little toots blossom forth but nothing great. The guys are really egging me on now and I start to push harder than ever in an attempt to be cool.
“At last!” I thought, as my sphincter stretches apart for what I’m sure is about to be the most epic fart ever seen by my cousins. It was poop. In the pool. I just remember laughing so hard even though my swimming shorts were housing a log of brown polonium. My cousins were in absolute hysterics. I got out of the pool, still laughing, and proceeded to tell my mother what happened.
She grabbed the garden hose, turned it on full blast, and roared, “If you’re gonna behave like an animal then you’re gonna be cleaned like an animal!” I was then blasted with 55F water. I’m 22 now and I still haven’t lived this down and I swear that this story is told at least once at every family get-together we’ve ever had since. It’s not so embarrassing now because I was so young, but I still cannot believe that I did it.
36. Scheduling Conflict
I had been with this chick for about one year. At our school summer camp, a guy from the class above me came up to me and straight-up said: “Hey, I hear you’re so and so’s new boyfriend, I’m her ex and just wanted to say hello.” I didn’t really know what to make of the situation but for some reason, I just asked when they broke up. His answer made my blood run cold.
He said: “Oh, like one month ago.” Needless to say, that relationship was over quickly.
37. Didn’t See That One Coming
It happened to a friend of mine. We were all on vacation (about seven friends) and everybody was drinking. We were the only two who didn’t. He managed to snag his girlfriend’s phone while she was passed out and pulled me to the side. He said, “she’s cheating on me, some guy named Joey has been texting her and meeting her after work to hook up every day.”
We ended up searching for names and mutual friends via Facebook. The plot twist? It turned out that Joey was a girl.
38. Excuse Me for Being a Friend to Animals
I was in standstill traffic. My car had been turned off, and people were loitering outside of their cars. Well, I had a baby squirrel that I was hand-rearing in my car. I fed it some puppy milk formula from a bottle, looked up and realized I had an audience of about 20 people gawking at me.
39. From ABCs to the Birds and the Bee
When I was around 10 years old, I was getting curious about human reproduction, so I decided to look it up in the dictionary. Wouldn’t you know it my ultra-conservative mother walks in the room, so I try to play it off like I was looking up the Haida Native American tribe. She called me out for being in the S-section, but I doubled down and pretended I was possibly dyslexic.
What a tangled web I wove.
40. Letting It Rip
In third grade, I went to the bathroom, and thinking I was alone, put my hands against the wall, leaned forward, and let out a long gigantic fart. Afterward, I let out a nice big sigh of relief and pleasure. I turn around that some other kids had come in as I was releasing that massive fart. Did not look them in the eyes as I left. It’s not the fart that was strange, no matter how long it may have been.
It’s the hands against the wall, prepping my body to let it rip, and moaning “uuuuunnggghhh” afterward.
41. The Naked Truth is Stranger Than Clothed Fiction
Walking a drunk, naked lad back to my room for exactly none of the reasons you might think. I was writing up an assignment last minute, and my friend came in absolutely wasted (had no idea where he’d been for the previous five hours) and was making a racket. I couldn’t really leave him, so I fetched some water and put him to bed with a sick bucket.
Five minutes later, he wandered into my room wearing nothing but a towel and decided my bed was the place to crash. He started yelling about RuneScape, before deciding he needed to puke, and wandered off to the bathroom. My other flatmates caught him stumbling back to my room with the towel held loosely in front of his junk whilst all I could do is watch in abject horror.
I had to awkwardly explain to them later on that I genuinely wasn’t trying to lure drunk guys into my room like some predatory creep.
42. Wrong Place, Wrong Time
I was at a party with a group of friends. I was standing behind my best friend talking in a group when my friend all of a sudden gets a text. I look at his phone and it’s my girlfriend’s full name and her asking when he is going to be over. She was supposed to be out of town at her mom’s house.
43. Hunting for Problems
Brother of mine caught his wife cheating. Her phone would always be going off and she would hide it. He got curious, looked into it, and found some guy had been texting her for a few months. She said she was going to stay home because she had to catch up on homework over the weekend. My brother and I went on our hunting trip and he told me about it.
We never left the city, we went to my house and stayed there till it got dark, then drove back to his neighborhood in my neighbor’s car. She sent him a picture of her at home saying she was going to go to bed early that night. Well, we snuck close to the house after a car parked down the street and a guy walked to the house and let himself in.
My brother was fuming at this point and wanted to beat the crap out of the guy. I settled him down and told him to think about the long run. We snuck up to the house and using the night vision camera got video of them bumping uglies in the living room. My brother wanted to confront this guy at this point so… I did something messed up and called the cops. I said I heard a lot of yelling from the house and asked if they could go check. It kept my brother from messing with the dude (a coworker of hers).
Cops show up, take statements. We leave and the next day he pulls her iMessages off the email account and talks to a lawyer. We give the lawyer the messages and when we show up five days later from our “hunting trip,” he calls her and says he got something wild and wants her to come out and see it.
When she comes out he gives her divorce papers and kicks her out of the house. She had the police do a civil stand by while she got her stuff a few days later. House was his before they got married so all she got to keep was some stuff they bought together and her car. No kids and the prenup nullified the alimony she could have gotten as he made way more money than her.
The guy she was sleeping with had a record. We saw her a few months later, she tried talking to my wife and said she missed my brother and she was sorry, the guy and her broke up shortly after the divorce.
44. Double-Take, Double-Timer
My mom’s high school sweetheart proposed to her when they were about 23. His grandma once called her after SO stopped over and said, “I couldn’t see you all that well when you were in SO’s truck, but your new haircut looks nice.” My mom was at work and had no clue who she was talking about. She found out that he had been seeing another girl, and his grandma mistook her for my mom. She kicked him out with no warning, and she gave him no explanation. It’s been nearly 35 years, and she still never told him why she dumped him.
45. More Than One Thing Is Going Viral
I had a guy cheat on me. He recorded it, then had the stupidity to save the video to MY computer. I found it one day by accident. In the moment, I took a screenshot and put it as the desktop background pic. He came in, went to use the computer, saw the background pic, looked at me, started collecting his stuff, and left. I honestly don’t remember if we even spoke that day. I’m sure he didn’t expect I’d find it. Oops.
46. Background Noise
When I was 16-17 my first serious girlfriend and I used to have sex like rabbits, like for hours, in my bedroom across from my mom and sister. It was only like four feet from our door to theirs. Later they told me “Yeah duh, of course, we knew… we heard you banging X like every night for a year.” I have no idea why they put up with it the whole time.
47. How About a Whole PACK of Condoms!
I brought a girl home when I was 16. She spent the night and the next day my dad walked in as we were sleeping, introduced himself, took me to the kitchen and handed me a box of Trojans. The economy family value-sized box. In front of my entire family. Upside down. open. And he had separated each of the 150 condoms from the roll. Cue me scooping armloads of condoms into this freaking box while everyone is watching.
48. Lost In Translation
When I was, maybe 14 years old, my family and I went on vacation to the Dominican Republic. First, let it be known that place is awesome. Such a good time. What I was unaware of though, was that it was also a huge European vacation destination. Well a day or two goes by and I’m pretty bored. All I’ve done is spend time with my family, and of course, normal 14-year-old me knows vacations aren’t meant to be spent with the family!
Finally, I see a group of English children who look to be about my age playing soccer (football) on this field within the resort. Well, genius me decides these kids are not going to like me unless I’m English. So what do I do? I decide, by god, I’m going to become English and hang out with these guys. So I approach them and it actually goes a lot better than I thought.
I end up spending most of my time hanging out playing football with these chaps. It was awesome, I legit had these kids thinking I was English, they introduced me to their (topless) sisters and mums, and I genuinely liked these people. Unfortunately, I held a dark secret that finally surfaced on the second to last day.
Pretty normal day, we’re all hanging out playing ping pong, everybody’s shouting having a good time, I’m shouting, of course in my English accent, when all of a sudden my WHOLE American family shows up behind me asking what I was doing…in front of all my new friends…..and their topless mums and sisters. Ugh, I have never felt more shame EVER…
Just seeing ALL those looks of confusion and disappointment (and of course pure laughter from my dad and sister). To this day I still haven’t lived that incident down. Eight years and they still give me heck…Make sure your American family isn’t standing behind you while you lie to a bunch of English people…about being English…
49. What a Sight
My Grandmother caught me standing on the sink bent over in front of the mirror looking over my shoulder all because I wanted to see what a fart looked like.
50. Her Ego Puts Her Over Carrying Capacity
There was this incident I heard about a couple of years back about a local socialite who married into one of the richest and most powerful families here. The story goes that she was at a bank’s main office to meet with the CEO. Instead of taking the elevator like a regular person, she had her bodyguards remove all the people inside the elevator so that she could go up alone without people bothering her.
She said something along the lines of, “Get out of my elevator.” Funny thing is, one of the people she had forced out the elevator was the bank owner’s wife, who decided to take another elevator with the rest of the people who were forced out. The owner’s wife got her sweet revenge. Once the socialite got to the office, the bank owner’s wife was already there and promptly told her to “get out of her building.”
51. It’s Like I Don’t Even Know You
I recently found out that the man I’d been involved with for six months had not one, not two, but three aliases.
52. Diaper up
We had a guy in our office take a dump in the bathroom every day after lunch, and it would stink up the whole office. The manager asked everyone who needed to vacate their bowels to please use the lobby bathroom since our office was small and we only had the one bathroom. He didn’t listen. Fortunately, he was like clockwork, so five minutes before he went in, I took all the toilet paper.
That’s right. I forced the man to live with a dirty butt.
53. Food for Thought
When I worked at a fast food joint, I once had someone call in during the opening shift while we were still prepping everything for the day. He starts telling me all about how he was just here and how our service was terrible, and how we got his order wrong. I asked him when exactly he came in, and he said about half an hour ago. I said, “Oh, that’s weird, because we don’t actually open for another 45 minutes.”
He just hung up without another word.
54. Family Values
My mother is a terrible person. And I don’t say that lightly. She has stolen medication from me after I had oral surgery. On two occasions (a decade apart from each other), she stole my identity and my sibling’s, opened several fraudulent credit card accounts in our names, maxed them out (tens of thousands of dollars), and never made a single payment.
She tells people that she’s a nurse when she barely even finished high school. She also often makes up extravagant and potentially damaging lies, all of which she believes she’ll never be caught for. Yes, she’s a terrible person, but my dad isn’t—so when my now-adult daughter was an adolescent, my mother was allowed to spend time with her.
A few years ago, I’d lost my job, was having trouble finding employment, and had to trade in my sports car for a Sedan so that I could drive rideshare to make ends meet. My mother told my daughter and several relatives that my car had been repossessed for nonpayment. It was upsetting, but I knew just what I had to do.
I took great satisfaction in clearing by name by showing the dealership papers to my daughter, my relatives, and yes, the shrewish, lying old jerk herself as well. The aftermath was both hilarious and sad, as she tends to have a vile temper.
55. Rock Solid Response
When we were kids, we stayed at the seaside on holiday with our family. My little sister would always make a pretty sandcastle, and the next day it would have been kicked down and she’d cry. We wanted to find out who was doing it, so one day we stayed behind to spy. We watched as a bunch of jerk older boys came by and kicked her castle down, laughing smugly.
So the next night, we covered a big beach rock in sand and decorated it. Like clockwork, the jerk kids came with their smug faces and this time kicked a solid rock with all of their might. The yowl and the look on their faces was the best revenge ever.
56. Cheaters Never Prosper
I knew my ex wife was cheating but didn’t tell her that I knew. Took her out for a dinner date and I casually asked questions about who she had been spending time with while I was at sea, she barely worked so she had to spend her time doing something. She failed to mention the guy that had been staying at my house for nearly two months, the guy she had to call the cops on just to get to leave because I was coming home in two days…
Soooo I slid her a copy of the police report that was filed for the incident and watched as she crumbled over the fact she had been caught, and I didn’t have to say a word.
57. The Joke’s on Her
I canceled on a party her friends were having because I worked late. My boss let me out a few hours early because it was dead. So I went to the party. Got there and asked her cousin where she was. Her cousin said, “oh, she’s in her car out front on the phone.” As I walked away to go to the car her cousin panicked and said “NO! WAIT! SHE’S IN THE BATHROOM!”
Me knowing she was lying, I jogged to my girlfriend’s car out front. Looked in the window and she was pantless doing favors for two other guys. That was ten years ago. Now she’s a mother to four fatherless children and I’m engaged to her beautiful, Latina ex-best friend.
My dad was driving back from the shore when traffic got really bad. About a mile ahead, there was an accident that had brought traffic to a crawl. My dad decides to be patient about it. Others weren’t so patient. People began driving on the shoulder in order to get ahead of the traffic. This pissed my dad off. We all know how this goes.
We do the right thing and are punished for it, whereas these jerks are skipping in front of traffic and will probably get away with it. He thought about following this stream of cars onto the shoulder, but he decided he’d do the right thing and wait. As he got closer, he saw two cops in a parking lot. One cop was directing all of the shoulder drivers into the parking lot, while the other wrote all of those drivers tickets. He describes it as one of the most satisfying things he’s ever seen.
59. The Ties That Bind Us
I created a binder for a hotel that my company owns and filled it with forms and templates. I highlighted and wrote clear explanations of everything on each page. About a month later, I go over to the property to assist with some things, and the GM brings out the binder and says, “yeah, I just put this together as a tool for us here.”
I immediately tell him, “No, you didn’t. I made that and gave it to you.” His face went white as he tried to recover by saying, “Well, I added a few things.” He didn’t. I definitely loved the faces of my colleagues when I went back to the office and told them all about it!
60. Don’t Mess With Our Parade
We were in the funeral procession on a back road, headed to the cemetery for my uncle’s graveside service. This “jack wagon” in his jerk-mobile comes speeding up a side road, breaks the line, and decides to pass everyone using the left lane. He was a real jerk, and totally disrespectful. When he overtook the hearse, his day took a downturn, as he forced one of the eight motorcycle escorts off the road.
It was at this point he found that there were hundreds of police cars following behind the family. My uncle was a high-ranking deputy sheriff, and basically, every local police officer, state trooper, and deputies from over 50 counties were attending that funeral. When his car disappeared in the rear-view mirror, he was “gently” being taken into custody and placed into the back of a deputy’s cruiser by several officers.
61. Your Safety Is Our Number Two Priority
I told my supervisors, manager, and safety department about severe issues at work, including broken equipment and more. They didn’t do anything. I told the union and they didn’t do anything either. I reported the issues for SEVERAL months—nothing. So, I finally said forget it, and reported them to the government. Suddenly, I had my supervisor freak out and ask if I called them. I told him straight up, “Yes, you’re darn right I did.” He threatened to fire me, but I had the perfect comeback.
I told him about the whistleblower laws and how that would be the stupidest decision he could ever make. I told him to please do it, as I would love the easy $200k I would easily win from the lawsuit. I haven’t had any issues at work since.
62. Don’t Mess With the Hands of Fate
We had a vendor who showed up once a week and was a bit of a hand masher. Liked to crush your knuckles while shaking your hand. The boss had just hired a doughy-looking, middle-aged guy for the sales department. I told him to be wary of shaking the vendor’s hand. A few days later the vendor shows up, puts his hand out to the new guy with a big smile, and goes in for the kill.
At first, everyone is smiling. The new guy is looking him in the eye while pumping his hand furiously. Then stops. The smile melts off the vendor’s face. He had a pained look on his face as his lips pursed together. The vendor yelped a long “Eeeeyah!” and dropped the new guy’s hand like it was lava. Pulled the new guy aside and asked how he did that.
“Ten years I drove a tow truck. Must have changed thousands of flat tires with just hand tools. Nobody crushes my hand.”
63. An Unconvincing Performance
When video stores were a thing that existed, I assistant-managed one under this real witch who, frankly, didn’t have any business managing anything more complicated than a curling iron. One night, she convinced her thuggy husband to fake-rob her after closing. To make a long story short, they didn’t get away with it, and they both went to jail. THE END.
64. An Inconvenient Store
I worked at a convenience store. My coworker and I were classmates, and we were 16 or 17 years old at the time. The place got broken into, food and drinks were stolen, and when I came to work, the owner and his daughter were yelling at my coworker. He was angry and wanted us two to be liable for the damages. So he threatened to fire me and my coworker—but when my coworker told him that he’ll have to clean up the mess with only his daughter, the owner suddenly mellowed out.
We quit a week later anyway, when we found out that it was the daughter who had let her friends in to steal stuff, and then roughed the place up to make it look like a break in. The place shut down a few years later because of violations.
When the pastor got to the part “or forever hold your peace,” the bride said, “Yes, I’d like to say something.” Then she turned around to her guests and said, “I’d like to thank my maid of honor for sleeping with my fiancé last night.” With that, she threw her bouquet down and stormed off. The story even made it onto local radio at the time.
66. Special Delivery
A girl who was enamored with my neighbor showed up at his house on her birthday to give him a present. So he, not wanting to see her, sent his mother to the door to make her go away. My neighbor’s mom didn’t have the heart to be rude, so she politely accepted the gift. When he later unwrapped it, in front of his mother, it turned out to be a pair of her panties.
We were 16 years old at the time, and the girl in question was 13.
67. Could’ve Been Worse
I think I was four or five. There was a rock quarry/gravel pit about a mile from my home that my parents didn’t want me going to because a bunch of unseemly youths hung out there. So, of course, this is where my flying experiment took place. I tied four kites to my bike and thought if I rode fast enough and then took my bike off the steepest bank of the quarry, the kites would lift me off and I’ll glide to the bottom.
Probably lucky for me, but the strings of the kite wound into the bike spokes and completely locked it, throwing me and I slid all the way down the edge of the gravel pit rather than make a measured jump. Scraped up to my elbows and from my knees down, all I could think on that painful walk home dragging my busted bike full of kites was how my mom was going to kill me.
Suffice to say, when your five-year-old walks in looking like the finale of Carrie you don’t immediately jump to punishment.
68. Long Time No See
My ex had moved back into our small town after breaking up with her new boyfriend (my ex-roommate). I never avoided her, but I was lucky enough to not lay eyes on her for over a year when I heard she was moving again. That day, as she was walking to her car for the last time to pull out of town, we locked eyes as I came out of a coffee shop.
Holding her gaze, I take one step towards her, inexplicably failing to notice the signboard on the sidewalk, right in front of me. Coffee flies. I fly. From my newly acquired position of moral authority—half on the sidewalk, half in the gutter—I firmly, calmly, say, “Hello. Heard you were in town.” She replies, “You’re lying in dog poo” and rides off into the sunset.
69. Way to Break the Relationship
I was on a “break” with my girlfriend at the time. I got a text from a girl that I had mutual friends with, and we knew each other kind of well. We started having dirty conversations, talking about sleeping together, etc. That’s when I made a chilling discovery. It turns out my girlfriend had gotten a burner phone with a different number. My friend had never been texting me, and my girlfriend was the one behind the texts the whole time.
She was not pleased.
70. Holden Would Be Proud
My best friend lived in the family’s old vacation trailer behind his house back in the 90s. I arrived with a 12-pack, opened the door, and there was my girlfriend. She was standing there without a stitch of clothing, and he was in his boxers. Later he told me “Nothing happened.” JD Salinger had a term for that kind of guy, it was… PHONY.
71. Coming Out the Closet…As a Gamer
Maybe it’s not humiliating, but I always get reminded of this. Me and my brother were so obsessed with Mortal Kombat 2 when it was first released. We heard of two characters that you could unlock (Smoke and NoobSaibot) and we were trying to unlock them for days, until I managed to find a guide that tells you how to unlock them.
However, when I found the guide, my father was already at home and we weren’t allowed to play on the TV when dad is home. Instead, my brother, who’s good at tinkering, brought my grandfather’s black and white TV that was probably made in the 60s and tried to get our Sega to work on it—after 30 mins of tinkering it worked.
And we hid the TV inside the closet and started trying to unlock them, three minutes in, my father walks into the room and catches us. We get scolded for it. I’m 26 and my brother is 29, and when we’re visiting parents my father from time to time enters our room and checks the closet “in case we’re hiding a TV there” as a joke.
72. Moral of the Story
Caught my ex-fiancee on New Year’s. I posted pictures of us, exclaiming how I was excited to spend another year with her. Sadly enough, her other boyfriend saw the post I tagged her in. He was awfully upset as well. I still sympathize with him because I know how it feels. Don’t cheat on your partner. It tears people up inside.
73. A Meal Worth Marrying
I picked up a pizza, was super excited to eat it, so I put it in the passenger seat and said something along the lines of “I’m gonna take you home and eff you up!” hyping myself and the pizza up of course. I then saw that my window, and the window of the next car was open. A woman watched and heard me talk dirty to a pizza.
Another time I accidentally made eye contact with a woman while I was licking my lips after taking a sip of an Arizona tea, and she looked extremely offended by that. That was all in her head though, I’m still in denial.
74. Leaping Lizards!
I spent three weeks in Florida for work. Stepped out of the hotel one morning to see a bunch of tiny lizards scrambling all up and down one of the columns in front of the building. One of them stopped at eye level and looked at me, so without thinking, I said, “Well, hello! What are you?” Turns out there was a guy on the other side of the column.
He couldn’t keep the laugh to himself.
75. He Didn’t Go Bananas for This Research Topic
In high school English class, we went to the computer lab to do a poetry project. Can’t remember the specifics, but I remember we had to find a bunch of different poems that we liked. I had a flashback to my sister reading me a poem about a guy who accidentally hooks up with a chimpanzee, so I fired up a Google search for “Poems about making love to chimpanzees”.
My English teacher’s teacher senses must have been tingling, because he appeared right behind me, and very loudly asked why I was looking for poems about making love to chimpanzees.
76. I’m One with Nature
I’ve been doing some work in the backyard with Dad and had a few minutes off while he was mowing the mow. So, I’ve been standing by the pile of dirt in front of the backyard, trying not to get hit with some little rocks or pieces of adamantium. I noticed a huge round bunch of green wholesome grass. I kneeled by it and thought to myself “I wonder how it smells… from the beneath.”
I grabbed the damn grass with all my strength like a Thor would grab his hammer, and I pulled it out from the ground. As I got that little grassy jerk, I started repeatedly hitting it to the ground to get rid of the dirt attached to its roots. At this point, I probably looked like I was fighting a raging demon. So, as I finished it, I got closer and sniffed its white precious hair.
It smelled like…to be honest, I don’t remember so it probably wasn’t that much of a smell, 2/10 I’d say. I turned around, as my instinct told me something’s off. And it was, in fact. About 10 meters to my right there was my neighbor outside the net fence, watching me. Normally he’d never come out, but this particular day, once a year or rarer, he wanted our help with something.
I dropped the grass. I stood up. I walked up to him. Started talking as nothing happened. Yeah, sniffing grass is probably a pretty strange thing to do for most people. What can I do? Cheers, people.
77. Head Over Heels in Shame
I hopped out the shower one day and was inexplicably overcome with the desire to see if I could balance upside down on my head. I used to do it all the time growing up. Guess I wanted to know if I still had it. The thing is, this desire had to be sated immediately. Even before I threw on some clothes. So, I drop my towel, flip on top of my head and start balancing like the good old days.
Even held my arms out by my side to try it hands-free. Out of nowhere my mother and ex-girlfriend burst into my room without knocking and get a face full of me upside down, naked, in what can only be described as a reverse T-stance. They screamed, I laughed, and I think I clipped through the ground a bit due to the collision.
78. That’s What I Call Smooth Steering
Driving my car through traffic. Have little trial sized hand lotion in my center console and my hands are dry-ish, so I dispense the recommended amount and start rubbing it in. Traffic moves and I have to steer, accidentally get some lotion on my steering wheel. Which is leather. Now the part I touched is shiny and the rest isn’t.
Don’t like the way that looks so I dispense more lotion and start working it into the leather. Now, this makes the rest of the leather bits look dull and pretty soon I am all in with this, lotioning whatever I can reach. Casually glance to my left, and there is a car full of people staring directly at me, eyes wide, as I thoroughly massage the interior of my vehicle like some sort of Buffalo Bill-esqe auto enthusiast.
79. That’s Just the Appetizer
Me, newlywed to my then-husband. Had to leave our apartment and move in with his somewhat disabled mother. Two weeks in, he and I are having intimate times in our bedroom. Specifically, he’s going downtown and eating at the Y. My mother-in-law knocks and immediately opens the door, saying “Dinner’s on the table!” Awkward pause.
Everyone freezes. She stands shock still, then huffs, and says “Well, I see you’ve already eaten,” slams the door and goes away. We giggle, recoup, and go to eat. Most awkward meal of my life.
80. Orange You Gonna Say “Woof”?
I wanted to try to drink like a dog. I put a bowl on the floor and filled it with Fanta. My dad walked into my room where I was kneeling on the floor with my tongue in the bowl. He has never mentioned it since.
81. Signed With Disregard
He told me to clean his car out and I did, but there were letters from the other woman in his car. He wasn’t bright. Of course, I wasn’t either. It took a few years to finally get rid of him and keep it that way.
82. Allow No Substitutes
I was home recovering from 2 major back surgeries. One afternoon, while taking a nap with our daughter, I got up and walked in the office to see what he was doing. He minimized his browser and jumped, so I knew something was up. I reopened his browser, and it was websites for cheating spouses. His excuse: well, we weren’t having intimate relations, so I needed to get it somewhere.
83. Unwelcome Reunion
Wife goes on a trip with a girlfriend, lots of pictures of her, her girlfriend, and an old friend from high school. She comes home, and there’s an oddness to her that I can’t put my finger on. Four days later, in the middle of chatting with a friend of mine, something occurs to me. Her FB posts of her trip: every day is her, her friend, and the old friend in various locations.
Then suddenly it’s just her and the girlfriend. None of the male friend. A dark thought hits me, and I try to shrug it off, my friend laughs at the suggestion. I couldn’t focus. I called her at work and explained that I know she’s at work but just put my mind at ease, did anything happen between you and your guy friend?
“Why would you ask me that?” She had at one time convinced me that if I had nothing to hide, then I would give her my FB password and she would give me hers. The vibration of those words were still in my ears as I logged in and saw her message to him saying that it wasn’t his fault.
84. The Wreck at Home
The other woman came to our house during family night. My dad answered the door and went outside, so after ten minutes I went to see what was taking so long. As soon as I open the door I heard, “THERE’S YOUR POOR WIFE NOW!” My dad had cheated before, so I tried to stop my mom from coming to the door. Chaos ensued and then my dad tried to kill himself in front of all of us. I was 16, so it was pretty traumatic.
85. Does This Count as Urgent?
He gave my number to his sidechick in case of emergency, and she “accidentally” called me instead of him.
86. When Two Halves Become a Whole Load of Lies
Our Dropboxes merged when I had logged on to mine on his computer, and I found a folder named “Specialist” full of naked photographs of all the women he had been sleeping with for the previous 8 years. Apparently, he needed access to them wherever he was. And was stupid enough to have the icons be a photo from inside the folder.
87. Mission Less-Than-Plausible
My ex was in the Navy, and we dated for approximately 3 years, 1 of which we lived together. He had been deployed once during the first couple years of our relationship, so we mostly had a long-distance relationship until the last year we were together, when I moved in with him. After 3 months living together, he tells me he is being deployed again.
I’m disappointed but that’s his duty, so I tell him I’ll stay in the apartment and he can send me his 1/2 of rent, etc. because he didn’t want to move all of his stuff out and lose the place. He said he was supposed to be gone for 8 months (February through October) and will be home by the end of October.
Anyway, time passed, we called, Skyped, and I sent care packages until the beginning of September, when he tells me he won’t be able to contact me until he is heading home. He says it’s for some secret mission or something (I was 19 and very naive!). I don’t hear from him again until Halloween night, telling me he will be home in 2 days.
I plan a party for him, inviting his mom & sister (his mom was born & raised in Haiti, and she speaks NO English.) Anyway, fast forward to party, I’m happy to see him and everyone’s having a good time. My ex and his mom are speaking to each other in their native language (French Creole), and I can’t understand what they’re saying.
His sister says to him (in English) that he needs to go to his mom’s house to help her clean out her gutters and change her air filter. He says back, “Oh it’s okay, I did all that in September when I got home.” I think he forgot he was speaking English. I am stunned and honestly, I just left. I wouldn’t talk to him for two days.
When I finally picked up the phone, he confessed that he had been living with his mom the past 2 months so he could “see other people” without hurting my feelings. I moved out and never talked to him again.
88. Let’s Wipe the Slate Clean
In basic training, we got back to our bunks late. I was all exhausted and my body felt broken. Instead of taking a shower I decided to clean myself with baby wipes. Usually, nobody is paying attention to you because they all have their own things to do, but someone watched me wipe my groin area, under my pants and then proceed to stuff it in a drawer in my bed because I was too tired to get up and throw it away.
The person watching me said, “Are you saving that for later or something?”
89. The Crown Jewel of the Aisle
I was working nights at this liquor store. I step outside to smoke then I go back in and I get to stocking shelves. Well, for a reason I still do not understand, I got Jewel’s “You Were Meant for Me” stuck in my head. I have no idea why…this was in like 2004, long after Jewel’s career had peaked and faded. Anyway, I’m all high and singing Jewel…loudly…while stocking the cooler when I decide to have fun with it and sing it almost as though it was a YouTube apology video.
So now I’m cry-singing Jewel’s “You Were Meant for Me ” at the top of my lungs, when a customer pops their head around the corner and says, “Um…are you open…and are…are you OK?” Apparently, our door beeper had gone on the fritz…I tried to explain I was just stoned and fooling around…but they were having none of it and continued to look at me as though I’d lost my damn mind, not just for the remainder of that transaction, but since they were a regular for years after.
90. This Doesn’t Rock
Rewiring a microwave to go past its automatic shutoff temperatures to make neat rocks and glass out of rocks I found in the backyard. It wasn’t my family’s microwave, and my friend wasn’t home at the time. His father just stared at me, as I and his kitchen were covered in clay and pumice dust. And in his microwave. His only microwave.
My friend was due back from the hardware store in five minutes. Those were some very uncomfortable minutes.
91. A Not-So-Innocent Age
I was 14 and we were in 8th grade. Her and I had been dating a while and we spent Valentine’s Day together. I had saved my allowance and got her some flowers, chocolates, a bear, and a card. Her parents drove me home after spending the day together. I was home about an hour, and I got a phone call from my sister.
She told me that my girlfriend was breaking up with me, but she didn’t want to tell me herself, and not to call her. So of course, I called her. I was really upset, obviously. She told me, “well I’ve been cheating on you for a month with Marcus (my best friend). I only waited until now because I knew you got me stuff for Valentine’s Day.” And the following Monday, they were just all over one another. I swore both of them off right then. But it got worse.
Found out two months later that she also had regular intimacy with her older 17-year-old stepbrother every Tuesday. In 10th grade, I tried to reconcile with Marcus and put it behind us. I went over to his house and he asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I said sure. He presses play on whatever was in his VCR, and it was a homemade bedroom tape of him and her when we were all in 8th grade.
I just got up and left. She got pregnant and had a kid in 9th grade. I think her daughter is about 8 now. And for her daughter’s sake, I hope she is doing well.
92. How to Lose a Guy in One Day
Found my wife’s notebook. Written on the first page was a 10-step plan detailing how she was going to leave me for another guy. I turned it into one step.
93. Your Phone Won’t Be the Only Thing Broken
Girlfriend ran over her phone by accident and destroyed the screen. Asked me to back up all her stuff and transfer it to her new Pixel. Used a backup tool that captures all sorts of dirty messages and nudes with another guy.
94. Bros Before Blood
I was dating this girl a few years back. I became really good friends with her brother just because he appreciated my help during a difficult time for their family (their father had abruptly passed away). 2 years into the relationship, the brother contacts me and asks to meet up for coffee and a serious conversation.
Apparently, HE caught his own sister with another guy (mutual friend of ours) and this had been going on for like a year. As soon as he found out, I was told. Broke up with her. Still friends with her brother. Go figure.
95. If It’s Good Enough for Scooby, It’s Good Enough for Me
I had a coworker who looked a lot like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. I mentioned it to him once, and he said he gets that a lot. I got to talking to him about beef jerky, and how I had recently tried it for the first time. I explained that I wanted to try it because it’s probably the closest human equivalent to dog treats. I’m going on, saying, “Of course, I never will, but I’ve always been curious about eating dog treats…”
Just as I finish that sentence, the general manager walks by and catches the end of what I had just said. I preceded to laugh and walk away because I love when people walk-in on conversations at the most confusing possible moment.
96. Pregnant Disaster
I was pregnant with my oldest daughter and had extreme pain one day, so I came home early from work. When I get home I see two purses that I knew weren’t mine sitting on the stand. I head to my room to see if my then-boyfriend could explain the purses; I’m hearing noises coming from our room. I opened the door to peek in and he is having a threesome. I close the door and just go back into the living room. I was shocked.
I was supposed to be on bedrest, but I was the only one who had a job, so I was going to school and working while he got to stay home all day. I was livid, but what was scary is that I was so furious that I remained calm. I went into the living room, sat on the couch and waited for them to come out; when they finally did I asked them if they had fun? I told them they needed to get out of my apartment.
He tried to talk to me, but I told him he needed to get out. I calmly packed off of his stuff up, had a friend come over because I couldn’t do heavy lifting being 7 months pregnant and dropped his stuff off at his parents’ house that night. It’s still shocking to me that I remained so calm being that angry.
97. The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo’s Big Regret
It happened in childhood. I was 10 years old and after school, my older sister suggested that I get a dragon “tattoo” on my back. She drew it on with a marker, and we went about our day. Later, we got home and decided to scrub it off before our dad got home. But it wouldn’t come off. She’d accidentally grabbed a permanent marker.
We started scrubbing with an aggressive dish sponge, and at that moment my father came in and saw me kneeling on the floor while my sister vigorously rubbed my back, which was by that point beet red. My back ached so much then I couldn’t sleep on it for a week!
98. What Happens in Crop Circles, Stays in Crop Circles
My husband and I have caught several couples getting busy in our cornfields. It wouldn’t be so weird if not for the amount of instances it’s occurred and that each time it’s been different people and they always act shocked that they were caught and try to play it off like they weren’t trespassing to do it, plus the fact that they could have been more comfortable hooking up in their vehicles, which were well hidden by that same corn.
Once we caught a couple not just having risky business in it, but stealing it. When confronted the guy, he said he was just showing his girlfriend “the corns,” though we all knew he was trying to five-finger a dinner side. The joke was on them though. It wasn’t sweet corn; it was field corn.
99. Get the Scoop on Friendship
I was obsessed with the Anne of Green Gables movies when I was growing up. Anne had an imaginary friend called Katie Maurice, who was actually just her reflection. I decided to copy Anne by talking to my own reflection in a spoon. My mother walked in on me mid-conversation one day and asked me what the heck I was doing.
I told her I was speaking to my new friend. I overheard her on the phone to my dad saying, “…She thinks the spoon is her friend, Brian. Should we be worried?” I was 8/9 at the time, so definitely old enough to know that spoons are not friends.
100. Jabba the Hutt Would Be Proud
When I was like 10 or 12 years old, I was in my room after just having taken a shower, when for some reason I got the weird idea to use my belt and a couple of towels to make the Princess Leia slave outfit bottom (by the way, I’m a boy). As I stood there wearing it (the front flap slightly raised since I had been thinking about Princess Leia) my mom walked right on in.
For what seemed like an eternity I saw her confused face trying to figure out what was happening, and just as she was about to ask about it I jumped across the room and slammed the door in her face. With my face bright red, I hurriedly threw on my clothes and went downstairs as if nothing had happened. My mom tried to bring it up once, but I feigned ignorance, and not another word has been spoken of it since.
101. Stick to the Sore Place
My husband of a few months was complaining of a painful lump on his ball sack. Me being a nurse, I of course rattled off all the things it could (really and not really) be just to freak him out. It was just an ingrown pubic hair, but it seems that’s a pretty painful spot for you dudes, so he was being a pansy about letting me treat the area.
So, I started joking around about STDs and how his balls were going to fall off. He got really quiet and didn’t think that was very funny. We had not had sex in several months, I was 7 months pregnant with naturally conceived twins and sex was incredibly painful and unadvised by our specialist. Well, I suggested he take a warm compress on the area and see if that helped the discomfort.
While he’s in the bathroom, he gets a bunch of texts from a girl that say: “No, we have been tested in the last few months, no STDs. Can’t be from me.” I got the whole body shut down, room closing in on me, tunnel vision, enough strength to get into bed and just lay there. My husband of four months (we’d been together for several years and had a 2-year-old son too) was screwing another woman.
He could definitely tell something was wrong when he saw me. The only thing I could say was, “Who’s so-and-so and why are you talking to her about STDs,” and that’s when it all fell apart. I had no one to confide in for support, my family was providing us with so much, a house, money, everything to take care of these twins, and this man was just HORNY so he went and got some.
I couldn’t and still haven’t told my parents. I told my best friend and confided in my brother (because he cheated on his wife and I wanted the man’s perspective). Some might not agree with it, but we are still together today. We have learned communication is so important, even if it’s a note or text or something. We need to know each other’s needs and be honest about how we feel.
The dynamic of our marriage will never be what I wanted it to be. I didn’t wear a ring for a long time. I don’t trust him still when it comes to relationships with female friends. And I still have not taken his name after 3 years. As of right now, we need to be married to provide for our children. We are happy, our children our happy.
We don’t fight and we have fun, love, and affection. But it’s always there and it always will be. When our 3 sons decide to marry, he will tell them what he did and how much it jeopardized what is supposed to be a union between two people. Because our marriage is a marriage of two people who work together to raise a family, but we are a happy, healthy, and loving family.
102. Sold Out of Love
My wife was pilfering money from the marriage to the tune of about $1,000 per month. It had gone on for a few years before I figured it out. (I thought she was saving the money, she was really stashing it in her dad’s accounts.) Not satisfied to simply stash away her own salary, she began to buy stuff on the joint charge card, then sell it on eBay. I was paying the card.
I started the divorce without telling her. During this time, I took my name off the joint card without telling her and began using my own credit card. When the bills came in for that month, I informed her that I would not pay the credit card bills anymore, that she had her own job and her own money and she could pay her own bills. There was the expected ruckus about that, but I stuck to my guns.
A week or so later, she had a screaming foot-stomping tantrum about how it wasn’t worth her time to work her eBay business. You know, because she now had to actually buy her own inventory instead of just selling stuff I bought. Yeah, I cracked a smile. The story ends thusly: I later traded the stolen money—and my silence about the felonies she committed while transferring the money—for shared custody, zero payments to her, and zero claims on real estate, etc.
She walked away with less than she’d have gotten if she was honest. I even got the house. Our divorce was final four months ago.
103. Taking the Fall
So, I work in a cnc workshop, and we often engrave stuff. This particular guy wanted a nice wooden jewelry box for their wedding anniversary with a custom message he emailed me. For some reason, he chose to give the box to his wife at the workshop (not the most romantic place I can think of but whatever).
The guy’s wife starts to look confused and tear up: “you don’t remember the date?” Guy turns pale, looks at me, says: “no, I’m sure it’s a mistake.” Me: “no, I’ve copied it straight, can’t be wrooon…waaait a minute, omg, it’s my fault, I’m so sorry, I will redo it right away, no need to pay, please accept it as a gift…”
Wife gets angry a bit at me, but they leave with a different box and the correct date. Guy comes back next day and pays triple the original price without a word.