Everybody has a limit. No matter how nice we are day-to-day, there’s always going to be a jerk out there who’s going to cross a line—and sometimes, they just make you…snap. From crazy tantrums to epic comebacks, these people know what it’s like to just lose it. Whether it’s hilarious, triumphant, or downright disturbing, the results are always worth hearing. Read on to discover the wildest times the people of the internet snapped.
1. Call Ended
There was a girl who used to torment one of my friends. I once threw her cell phone out of a Ferris wheel after she asked me to hold it to take a group selfie. She asked me because I had the longest arms out of any of us—but then she said that my friend couldn’t be in the photo because she was ugly. Huge mistake. I felt really good about what I did.
2. We All Need Somebody to Lean On
This is a simple one, but a good one. There was a kid who sat in front of me in a high school class. All year, he would lean back in his chair and would frequently lean his chair onto my desk. One day, I had had enough of his nonsense. I decided it was time to do something about it. So, once he leaned forward, I quietly moved my desk back a few inches.
After picking himself up off the floor, he never bounced his chair on my desk again for the rest of the year.
3. Don’t Kiss and Makeup
I was in line at a fast food joint, and this diva Karen in front of me was giving the trainee cashier a really awful time. This nightmare customer was all dolled up—but I knew how to shut her up. I just said, “Maybe if you ate some of your makeup you’d be pretty on the inside.” Entire line-up went speechless. Grabbed my takeout and left.
4. Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You
I was riding my bike to work one day and while I was crossing the street, a woman ran me over. She drove through the crosswalk, looking to turn right, and ran right into me. After I got bumped hard enough by her fender to take a spill and have some bruising all down my side, she stopped. But not to see if I was okay, oh no.
She only gave me an exasperated, “my bad” wave and continued to talk on her cell phone, ignoring me as I picked myself and my bike up. So I walked right up to her open window, grabbed her cell phone from her ear, and chucked it into a nearby parking lot as hard as I could. I swear that was the farthest I have thrown anything in my life.
She gaped at me in shock as I struggled back onto my bike and slowly rode off, fuming yet victorious.
5. We Wish You a Pointy Christmas
My elderly mother-in-law made a little wreath to put on the door of her apartment. A couple of days later, some jerk completely destroyed it. She was really sad about it. We put it back together and fixed it. I added lots of pointy needles. I put it back on the door. The next day, she told me that she heard some swearing at 6:30 in the morning. It was one of her neighbors. I was so proud of myself.
6. Cheater-Cheater Pumpkin Eater
Someone once smashed the decorative pumpkin I had on my front porch for Halloween. I was so mad about it that, later that night, I let things get a bit out of hand. I found an old purse and took a poop in it. I then left it lying out on the same step where my pumpkin was, knowing that it would catch someone’s attention. I then hid in my room and watched out the window.
I don’t know if it was the same kid that smashed my pumpkin who later tried to take the purse. But the happiness I took from that moment of a kid reaching his hand into the poop-filled purse while he was walking away to take the money more than made up for the anger of my smashed pumpkin.
7. Room Service
I didn’t get along too well with an old roommate of mine, because she had moved her boyfriend and dog into our apartment without my consent. She was generally very messy. The boyfriend didn’t pay rent and her dog was a liquid poop machine. Her dog ruined my couch and soaked it with pee and poop. I asked her to repay me for it and to have her boyfriend leave. Instead of repaying me, she stole a bunch of items that I kept in our common rooms to spite me.
So, I got my revenge. I snitched to my landlord and got her evicted. Oh, also? I peed in her shampoo bottle.
8. Fire and Brimstone
I was a motorcycle courier throughout university. Often, people tapped their ashes out their window so they’d land on me. It was rude and annoying and dirty, but I got used to it. Then one time, I was filtering through stopped traffic when I saw an ember. I just saw red. I stopped next to their car, picked up the driver’s cig, and threw it back through the driver’s window onto the back seat, just so they got a taste of their own medicine.
9. All Good Things Must Come to an End
I had a perfect attendance record from kindergarten all the way to senior year in high school, until a girl asked me to ditch one hour of class with her. Suffice it to say that cost me an award…
10. Something Smells Fishy About This Story
I caught my now ex-wife sleeping with a married dude. I moved her out into an apartment. Not two days later, I was on my way home, passed her new apartment, and saw his truck in her driveway. Instead of going home, I went to the grocery store, bought a couple of whole salmons from the fresh fish department, went back to the apartment building, crawled underneath the guy’s truck, and put both the fish inside.
Luckily, the door was unlocked. I knew full well that they would rot in the heat over the next few days and make his truck smell awful. His wife texted me a few days later, saying “very funny.” He ended up having to buy a new truck because he couldn’t get the stink out.
11. Hall Pass
These three dudes had been stalking me for like eight months. They always followed me around to my classes while making obnoxious and creepy comments. Every time I told them to stop following me and leave me alone, they’d just laugh and continue with their shenanigans. I ended up grabbing and throwing one of the dudes across the hallway, despite the fact that he probably had a good eight inches on me.
I did this in the middle of the science hall, in front of a ton of teachers and students. The vice-principal caught wind of whatever was going on and we all had to go in and have a talk with him in his office. The best part? The three of them ended up receiving an in-school suspension, while I got off completely scot-free. No regrets!
12. His Old Kentucky Home
When I was in middle school, this new kid named Kyle had just moved to our town and was already bugging everyone. He was from Kentucky and had gotten expelled from five schools. He was known for being really rude, especially to girls and women. He was always saying stuff like “women should be in the kitchen” and all that. But that wasn’t the worst part.
He would torment everyone. He thought he was the most important person in the world. The day after he arrived, he kept looking at my test for answers. He was literally crazy. He was whispering “I know you’re covering the answers. I’m just trying to torment you.” Anyway, after putting up with his nonsense for a while, I don’t know what he said but I finally snapped.
I turned around and slapped him on the face in the middle of class. The whole thing is a bit of a blur, but I recall a lot of yelling and cussing. I said something along the lines of, “You’re an annoying piece of garbage. No one here cares about you. You’re a worthless annoying brat who should go back to your little farm in Kentucky.” He immediately shut his mouth, and I got suspended.
However, after I told my dad what had happened, he wasn’t mad. He was actually somewhat proud. He said he didn’t like my language and seemed pretty concerned, but said that he was glad I stood up for myself. Kinda mixed messages. At least I got that kid to shut up for the rest of the year and was known as the “cool kid” for a week.
13. Wake Up and Smell the Coffee
My sister is kind of evil. One day, she was really being horrible towards our mother. She was screaming and yelling and insulting her to the point of lunacy. Our mom began to tear up a bit, and I didn’t really like seeing that. Then, to make matters worse than they already were, my sister says to her, “Oh wow, you’re crying? That’s pathetic!”
I had a cup of coffee in my hand, and I instinctively poured it all over my sister’s head. Suddenly, I was the bad guy. I was fine with that because I don’t really care what someone says while they’re covered in coffee anyways. I’m glad that I stood up for my mom when she was being mistreated like that. I only have one regret: I wasted a good cup of coffee.
14. Life’s a Beach
A few years ago, I took a day trip to the beach with a bunch of people. We got to the beach at 9 AM and stayed until 4. At this particular beach, there is a beach restaurant and bar that has a DJ and dance floor. As we were packing up, I noticed that the couple we drove up with was still at the bar. I asked my girlfriend to go get them and said I’d head to the car to start cooling it off, thinking it would be nice for everyone else to get into a cool car rather than a boiling one.
When they got to the car, the girl was drunk and being a jerk. For 15 minutes straight, she complained about how we had “ditched them” at the beach and how rude we were. She just went on and on while I was driving them home. Now, I’m a generally laid back person, but I couldn’t believe how selfish and entitled she was being, and it was directed at me. I snapped.
I lost it on her and basically screamed that if I had ditched them at the beach, they would still be there and not in my car. I added that if she wanted to continue to be a jerk, then she and her boyfriend could get out and take an Uber home. She shut up immediately and didn’t say another word during the remainder of the drive.
Her boyfriend thanked me for the ride and apologized when I dropped them off. She apologized the next day as well. But this incident still gets brought up every now and then because it was so out of character for me to snap at someone like that.
15. Taking Care of Business
There was this mean girl at school who constantly made fun of everyone, and she happened to have a big nose. After hearing her rant about her latest victim, and finally snapped and said back, “I know it’s hard because it’s so big, but could you keep your nose out of everyone’s business?” She was speechless for a second.
16. Reading Between the Lines
Seventh grade. I was sitting at my desk reading a book on my lousy little e-reader. The kid at the table behind me wouldn’t leave me alone, mockingly going “I love you, why don’t you love me, why are you ignoring me, why aren’t you talking to me” interspersed with kissy noises. That day, I had absolutely had it with this kid.
So, I turned around and just backhanded him across the face with the tablet. He left me alone after that and I didn’t get in any trouble. Then, last year, my best friend ran into another kid from that class and told him I said hi. His immediate response was, “Remember that time she slapped that guy across the face? That was great!”
17. He Should Have Just Been More Careful
In high school, my friends and I would hang out over by the bleachers of one of the baseball fields, pretty far from most of the other kids. We were sitting in a circle on the grass one afternoon, just talking, and some freshmen we didn’t know started chasing each other around and almost kicked our stuff down a few times.
My friend said nicely, “Hey, can you please be careful?” One of the kids sneered at her and said “Why? Like your fat butt could catch me!” My friend was a bigger girl who was very sensitive about her weight. Before I could even process my own reaction, I immediately stood up and sucker-punched him in the side of the head.
He dropped like a sack of potatoes and started yelling. He ran over to his other friends, one of whom was apparently his older brother, trying to get them to come and beat me up. But the brother just shrugged and said “You were being a jerk, you deserved it.” My friend was grateful for “defending her honor,” and the kid I punched never bothered us again.
18. Tell It to the Judge
My parents are divorced. They did the usual “your mom/dad is the bad one and a liar” thing. I was about 15 or 16 when the split happened, and they both sent me to court to testify against one another. They both thought I was on their side. The joke was on them, though! I told the judge that they were both terrible parents!
After that, my dad told me that I was not a part of the family anymore. So, I simply said “I hate you” and told the judge to remove my weekends with him. I’m 22 years old now, and he is still trying to make up for it. I’m not sure I can ever go back to him, but let’s see.
By the way, I was always a super quiet and timid kid.
19. Dining and Diving
I absolutely hate the grocery store next to my current workplace. They are just slow and take forever for anything. I am a paramedic and, one morning, I was rather busy. I tried to quickly grab some sandwiches and something to drink from said grocery store because my coworker and I thought that dispatch would be sending us out any minute.
When I got to the checkout line, I was already fed up with them because they had taken more than 15 minutes to prepare our two simple sandwiches. Then, they had about 10 customers waiting in one single checkout line. As usual, they did not bother to open up a second line when they saw that the first one was getting out of hand.
Additionally, the lady working the cash register had no idea how to handle discounts, coupons, or refunds. She was just sitting there like a dope and keeping everyone waiting even longer. So, I shot my coworker a text message and asked him to let me know if we were being paged to respond to an emergency. He said that we were indeed being paged.
I immediately pushed my way to the front of the line, ignored the protests of the people in front of me, paid, and rushed out of the store.
20. This One’s a Stinker
All my life, I’ve been bullied. Usually, I just ignore it and eventually the perpetrators go away. One time, they were picking on me, I was ignoring them, and they weren’t going away. I was getting very annoyed. I finally said screw it and passed gas right in this guy’s face. He definitely didn’t see that coming, and he stayed as far away from me as possible from that day on.
21. A Taste of Their Own Medicine
For whatever reason, living with my awful mom who yelled a lot made me a very passive and quiet person once I left. I always do my best to stay peaceful and be nice to everyone. But recently, I had issues with someone I knew who was stalking me and harassing me online. After politely requesting that they leave me alone, they came and found me in person to try and talk smack.
So, after they had finished saying some mean stuff to me and had turned around to walk away, I stopped them in their tracks and legit yelled at them in public. I really, truly let it rip and said some horrible things. I’m not one to ever cause a scene but, in this case, my only regret was not doing that sooner.
22. I’m a Little Tea Cup
Where I live, a strange cult is permitted to routinely load a van with speakers and go about town spreading music and their creepy message. Obviously, it’s a nightmare to be around. One time, while hanging out on my balcony, I just lost my patience and threw my glass teacup at the truck. It hit the van and there was some shouting, so I quickly scurried back inside and hid.
I think they came around the building knocking on some doors, but nothing else happened. It felt good to finally take a shot at those crazy people.
23. Say What You Mean
I was giving an oral presentation in French class in high school and got heckled by two classmates in particular. As I finished and went to sit down, annoyed, one of them told me snidely, “Good oral, witch.” My reply was withering. “Yeah, too bad the only good oral you can give is to (other classmate).” Even the teacher couldn’t keep herself together.
24. Backed Into a Corner
I watched a lazy shopper park their grocery cart right behind another person’s car instead of putting it in the cart return. I got out of my car, moved the cart, and put it behind the lazy shopper’s own car. I then ran off and watched her have to get back out of her car since she couldn’t back out, and then finally put her cart away. I felt like a champion of the people.
25. Never Too Late to Learn
A woman in her mid-50s cut in front of me and my two-year-old daughter in line at a restaurant. I was in the middle of getting my daughter a cookie and was in a hurry as I was dealing with a two-year-old. So I snapped at the woman, “How is it that you’re 70 years old and you still don’t know how a line works?” She was gloriously silent.
26. I Will Look for You, I Will Find You
I came out of the mall one day to find that someone had hit my car. I asked a passerby what happened, and they told me that the guy who hit my car got out, looked at the damage, and quickly parked at the other end of the lot. So I came up with an ingenious plan for revenge. I went to where the car was parked, paint matched it to confirm that it was the one that hit mine, then I flattened all four tires, and left a note on their windshield telling them to have a nice day.
27. Sit Down, Lady
Today on the train, I sat next to an angry woman who wanted the two seats to herself. As I sat there, she kept mouthing under her breath how she just wanted to sit there alone. I wanted to tell her that it was public transportation and she needed to get over it, but I kept my mouth shut. Then she got what was coming to her in a completely different way.
A few minutes later, a bigger woman with a large purse comes and stands in the same car as us. I get her attention and tell her that she could have my seat. She huffs and puffs her way to me and I help her sit down while grinning at the angry woman who was upset I’d sat beside her. I enjoyed watching her head almost explode from anger as the other woman’s purse and body pressed against her for the rest of the ride.
28. Deal or No Deal
I heard this from a DJ in my home town. He’s pushing his cart of groceries out of the store and over to his car when a woman pulls into the handicapped spot in front of the store. No placard, no handicapped plates. She jumps out of the car without so much as a limp and heads into the store. He gives her some stink-eye about taking up a handicapped spot and she snarls, “Deal with it” as she sashays into the store.
The guy is now fuming. He sees a couple of officers who were leaning against their cars talking. They hadn’t seen it. So he goes over and tells them the story. They smile and say they’ll handle it. He puts his groceries in his car, and as he’s pushing his cart back to the store to put it in the rack, he sees the officers have blocked the lady’s car with theirs.
The lady comes out of the store with her purchase, sees the officers, and goes white as a sheet. He walks over to her and says, “I dealt with it.”
29. A Price for Everything
I work at a retail location that does returns strictly only with tags on the clothes. There was one customer who was exceptionally rude to our staff right from the moment she walked in and was browsing. She called both women working dumb idiots, which cheesed me off. But I made sure she got what was coming to her.
She came up to the register and told me straight-up she’ll probably return all the things she’s buying because she was just trying to impress her friends. So I took all the tags off the clothes when I was bagging everything. I bettered the world that day.
30. Donut Mess With Me
This guy walks up to my work and asks, “Hey, kid, where is Voodoo Donuts?” Only he swore when he said it. I’m 27, he swore in front of a child nearby, and was loudly smacking his gum. Instead of sending him to Voodoo Donuts, which was only a few blocks away, I gave him directions that would lead him to the rough part of town.
31. Fluent in Smack Talk
I used to work for a major bank and while doing my stint there, I came across a ton of jerks. One time, I was taking a deposit for a lady and her daughter and I heard them speaking a Middle Eastern language. When I realized they were speaking Farsi, I was all ears—see, I speak Farsi. What I heard made my blood run cold.
They were talking about how much of a loser I was, how this job as a teller was the only thing I had in my life, that I probably didn’t have a girlfriend and didn’t attend school. Throughout this conversation, I spoke only English to her, and every time she responded to my requests she would smile and then say something nasty about me in Farsi.
At the end of the conversation, I switched up to their language and said, “Just because I work at a bank doesn’t give you the right to say things about me behind my back. I’m in grad school to become a psychotherapist and this job is for spending money. You should be ashamed. Is there anything else I can help you with?” Her daughter left the building immediately and her mother was beet red, embarrassed, apologized profusely, and left. I never saw either of them again.
32. This Woman Doesn’t Have My Vote
I was waiting in line to vote, and stood next to an Asian man. We engaged in a conversation about the excitement surrounding the election. He struck me as a very well educated person with interesting insights. When it was his turn at the registration desk, the woman there rudely asked him if he spoke English before he opened his mouth.
Then she asked if he did, would she be able to understand him. I spoke up and said that he spoke English a whole lot better than she did and wasn’t anywhere near as rude as she was.
33. Fury Road
The other day my wife and I were coming home from bowling and we got behind a truck in the left lane, next to a Maserati with a total Karen in it. This woman then suddenly jerks her vehicle over without signaling. She’s in front of the truck, having missed him by a few inches. The whole time she’s acting like it’s his fault that she swerved and endangered everybody.
The truck retaliated by cutting her off just like she did to him, and then someone else came from behind her and blocked her in the other lane so she couldn’t pass the truck again. We got in on it too at that point. The witch was flipping out the whole time, screaming and cursing. We then found out the truck guy lived in our apartment complex, and high fives were given all around.
34. Face Control
I was working as a manager in a big nightclub about a year ago. I don’t wear a uniform, but I have a radio and run the security team. The venue has a great smoking section that looks out onto the street. One night it was packed, so I did my usual roam to make sure that there were no problems. Since the smoking section was too busy to walk through, I walked down the street instead to check on it.
One guy stares me down, then calls me over and starts swearing at me for no reason. He’s telling me that “losers like you could never even get into a venue like this.” He obviously had no idea I was the manager. The guy kept telling me he would punch me out, and was clearly trying to look macho to impress someone. So I showed him who was boss in the best way.
I agreed and told him to come and meet me outside and he could even have a free swing. He puts his drink down, takes off his jacket, and storms outside. Once he walked outside, I walked back inside and told security not to let him back in. The look on his face when he realized I ran the place was priceless, and then the realization that he couldn’t get back into the club was amazing. It was the easiest and most fun removal I have ever done.
35. Here Today, Gone Tomorrow
Some jerk in a Humvee decided to park in a handicap spot at a Kroger. I was young at the time and out riding with my dad, who was a repo man…driving his repo truck. For whatever reason, on that day, he wasn’t going to put up with that. My dad towed the Humvee to a parking spot on the opposite side of the parking lot. We then waited until the owner came out and looked around in disbelief.
She thought someone took her car. My dad drove right up to her, rolled down the window, and said, “Are you ok, miss?” The woman said, all concerned, “My car was taken by someone.” My dad replied very coolly to her, “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have parked it in a handicap spot,” gave her a smile and drove off.
36. A Dog-Eat-Dog World
I’m walking in the city with my two dogs. They’re normal-sized dogs, as in, they’re not fat like so many overfed city dogs. A woman walks past me across the street. Without any warning, she stops and yells at me: “Your dogs look really skinny! They aren’t properly fed!” with an angry look on her face and like I’ve just done something to her.
This rude witch is obviously pre-angry about something unrelated to me and just wants to take it out on someone. But I do not take stuff like that from strangers. I am also angry. My dogs most likely consume more calories than me. I feed them with high quality, homemade food, plus raw meat and bones. Have you ever seen how a big dog reacts to raw meat? It’s dog heaven.
Luckily, this is one of those rare moments of instant clarity. I shout back my rebuttal: “I can’t say the same about you!” That feeling when I walked away grinning. There were several passers-by who witnessed the scene. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who got a smile out of it.
37. Good Things Take Time
While working at McDonald’s, a rude customer asked me to “MAKE IT AGAIN” and started to go off on me. I almost snapped on him, but instead, I threw my hands up and told my manager to handle it. The manager talked to him, then came back to me and said the guy was a regular jerk who comes in all the time. He told me to just make him another coffee.
I walked to the drive-thru window with this jerk fuming in his car next to me, talking about how long this was taking. So I picked up the half-full pot of coffee I made no more than four minutes ago and dumped it out. I proceeded to brew a whole new pot of coffee, just for him. I saw this made him extremely angry, so I went to the window and told him that it’s going to be another 5-6 minutes because that last pot was bad. He then peeled out of the drive-thru.
38. The Letter of the Law
I was crossing the street and some guy tried to run over me, and then stopped his car to yell at me. Little did he know, I was a law school student at that time, so I cited some (imaginary) section of the state vehicle code at him. He stared at me for a few seconds, then said, “I’m sorry miss,” and drove away with his tail between his legs.
39. Do You Even Lift, Bro?
This jerk in the gym was once making some 14-year-old kids feel bad, telling them to put some “man weights” on the bar and stop lifting light, things like that. Every time they found a new workout, he comes and repeats the process, trying to embarrass them. I was annoyed but tired, and let it slide….the first time it happened.
Only it happened again…the same kids came in two days later, and he was there also. He starts doing exactly what he did before. Well, that was it. I walked up right next to him, doubled what he was lifting, and repeated everything he had said to the kids in the last five minutes all while staring at him right in his stupid face.
He quickly moved on and went to another exercise. But I wasn’t done yet. The kids were looking at me like I was Batman. I followed the guy to the next three exercises and did as he had done, saying the same things. Then he left. Never saw him at the gym again, but those boys sure came back and have been making steady gains for over a year now.
40. Do Not Pass “Go”
When I was working at a bad job in my younger days, a customer was upset that he had to wait in line like everyone else before being able to make his purchase. He actually said, “Do you know who I am? I own hotels!” To which I replied, “Well sir, I’m sorry, but this isn’t Monopoly, this is Krispy Kreme.” He was not pleased.
41. How Do You Like Them Cookies
At the end of a long commute home after a hard week, I went to a Millie’s Cookies store just before closing time. As I walked up to the counter, some guy ran from behind me and tried to cut in front of me. The girl working there insisted I was first, thankfully. Outraged and noticing there weren’t many cookies left, I said, “Hi, I’ll take absolutely everything you have.” Cost me close to $60, but it was so worth it.
42. You Don’t Have to Go Home But You Can’t Stay Here
I was out at the local watering hole with a group of girlfriends. The group became larger and larger with time. After a while, I got semi-separated from my fiancé. At this point, I was introduced to a guy, we’ll call him Bob. The introduction went like this… “Bob, this is Sarah, Sarah, Bob.” His reply chilled me to the bone.
He says, “Every Sarah I’ve ever met sucks.” Now, I don’t get bent out of shape without good reason, so I just brush it off as banter, or maybe a recent breakup with a Sarah, and say, “Hah, well, nice to meet you anyway, Bob” and shook his hand. But it didn’t end there. The rest of the night, he would go to the bar, walk back, and give me the stink eye.
For whatever reason, he didn’t like me. The feeling was becoming mutual, and I decided ignoring him would probably be best. He was certainly not in his right mindset…right? A few hours passed and I was sitting by his female friend, having fun talking and giggling. He then puts his elbows on the table in between us, staring at me like I had done him wrong.
I just kept on with our conversation and ignored him. He then puts his nasty face right next to mine and say, “So, do you suck?” My temper got the best of me. I yelled, “NO, and what is your problem exactly? I’ve been doing my best to ignore you. Get a clue.” He then actually chest bumped me and said, “Do you wanna go?!?!”
I’m all for equal rights, but this was the first time an able-bodied adult male has asked me, a girl, if I wanted to throw down. But I knew what to do. I walk over a few steps to my fiancé, who is talking to a bouncer friend of ours, and said, “This guy says he wants to fight me.” The bouncer looks at him, gives a hand signal, and five bouncers surround him. He was “escorted” out of the bar.
43. Peer Evaluation
In high school, one of my teachers did end-of-the-year anonymous evaluations. Everyone hated him, including me, even though I actually did well in the class. He was just really grumpy and mean. So without really thinking, I wrote something incredibly cruel. “I don’t have any critiques about your teaching, but I think you should work on being a better person.” That one must have hurt.
44. Winding Her up
I was walking down the street with a cig in hand when I see a woman eating on the sidewalk patio and eyeballing me. I was still 30 feet away, and she was waving her hand in front of her nose and pointing for me to cross the street. Instead, I walked past her…and managed to cut a nice audible toot right next to her as I kept walking. I was proud.
45. Standing up for the Little Guy
I play poker a lot. In one casino, there is a ridiculously loud obnoxious jerk who plays regularly. He fist pumps and yells when he sucks out on people. Totally uncouth. To top it off, he is a larger guy and he tries to physically intimidate everyone. Now, I am not a small guy in the slightest, but when I’m relatively clean-cut, I look very unintimidating.
I am polite and friendly, know most of the dealers and half the patrons by name. What this jerk doesn’t know, however, is that I know how to handle myself both in a battle of verbal wit and physical fists. So one day, he was being his typical self and I finally had enough. He is verbally berating another player at the table for their “terrible call.”
So I just burst out: “Mike buddy, I’ve been meaning to ask you. How’s that violent case of herpes?” The table sits in silence. He never bothered me or anyone else the rest of that month.
46. Movie Magic
I was sitting in a movie theater and people asked me to save two seats in the middle of my row. The people asking were elderly and needed to go to the bathroom. The whole row was filled up too, so I figured it’d be easy to save. I sat there for a while when a busty lady made her way up the row and stopped right next to me, at which point she looks at me and says “Can you move.”
I smile with all the awkward tension and said, “Sorry, those are being saved.” Then the lady does something unbelievable. She sort of tries to jam her way past my legs in a mad attempt to get to the seat. Her boyfriend was just standing there. I look at her, flabbergasted, and simply say again “Those seats are saved.”
And then I kid you not, she snapped her fingers in my face and said “WATCH ME.” At that point, everyone in the theater was watching, and I was having none of this. I could tell she was getting ready for another attempt, so I slumped down in my chair and put my hands towards the seat in front of me to block her, and she was forced to sort of run into my legs a few times.
I looked at her boyfriend. He rolled his eyes and said, “Come on, let’s go.” Best part was, after the whole episode was over and the elderly couple had returned, the people behind me asked me to save their seats, because they thought “If anyone could handle it, it would be me.” I felt like the hero of the movie theater that fateful day.
47. Lock and Load
This guy got out of his car to express some road rage to me after we’d had an altercation while driving. I just got out of my truck, walked past him, pushed the lock button on his door, closed it, and walked past him again. Then I got back in my truck and drove off. He seemed to be frozen with confusion the entire time.
48. Patience Is a Virtue
I was next in a pretty long line at the grocery store. This woman behind me was making a huge fuss about them needing to open more registers, and she was swearing and muttering under her breath. When a second clerk appeared at the next kiosk to open another register, he looks at me and says, “I can help the next person in line, sir.”
The mumbling witch behind me saw the clerk coming and had backed her cart up and was rushing for the register before he even spoke. I saw the woman barreling toward the open register, and swiftly pushed a cart over to block her path. Her face got so red, it looked like she was going to explode as she nearly collided with the cart.
I just looked at her and said in the most innocent voice I have “Oops, he did call for next in line, though.”
49. I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends
I called out a guy for parking in a handicapped spot while his able-bodied girlfriend walked into a 7-11. When he got out of the car like he wanted to fight, he wasn’t prepared for what happened. I work construction, and my three HUGE co-workers got out of our car as well and walked behind me. The guy shrunk back in and backed out of the spot.
50. Girl Power
My sister and I worked for Circuit City. There was an angry male customer she was dealing with who demanded to speak to the manager. When she went to get the manager, Laurie, the customer rebuffed her, saying a woman couldn’t help him and demanding to speak to yet another manager. So she got her manager Ruthanne.
He was so mad at this point and yelled, “Don’t any men work in this store?” I’m listening to this, so I walk out and say in my most feminine voice possible, “Hello sir, can I help you?” He screamed and left the store.
51. Don’t Tick Me off
I work for parking services at a decent-sized university. I don’t write tickets, I just man the front desk, answer questions, and enter permits and changes into our database. We get yelled at a lot, but one woman made all the other rude customers look like saints. This witch comes in raising Cain over some tickets she rightfully got.
She was being so rude about the whole situation, but I politely looked up her account to see if I can find any errors or anything that might help her. She’s yelling at me the entire time I’m trying to look it up. So when I see that for some reason the tickets she got aren’t even linked to her account…I decide to do the opposite of helping her.
I ask to see her last ticket “so I can check if everything is right.” Little does she know, with the information I got from the ticket, I transferred all of those tickets she got onto her account. If she would have been nice about the whole thing, she would have probably gotten away without ever having to pay those, but now she has a few hundred bucks worth of tickets.
52. Cashing in
Years ago I was in a grocery store express checkout line, and the line was long. The guy behind me starts huffing and puffing about people using their credit cards. “Doesn’t anyone use cash anymore?” “They should have a cash-only line.” As more people use their cards, he gets louder and louder about his dumb complaint.
I was buying a $1.25 pack of gum and had $2 cash in my hand. It was too easy. As I rang up my gum, I put the $2 back in my wallet and pulled out my credit card. The look on his face? PRICELESS!! Even the cashier had to chuckle as she handed me the receipt and the guy swore as I signed it and handed it back. Made my day!
53. The Wrong Impression
I was working as a shift leader in a Dunkin’ Donuts and dealt with my fair share of rude jerks. On one particularly memorable day, a group of ladies came in during our busiest hour, just past noon. The line was almost out the door and we were short-staffed, so it was pretty hectic. While they were ordering, one of them asked for a job application and started filling it out on the counter.
She handed it back before they were done ordering and I stashed it on a shelf under the register and started making their food. They had a huge order and we did our best to get it out quickly, but it was obvious from the looks on their faces that we just weren’t quick enough for their liking. They sat down to eat their food, and the girl who just turned in her application got back in line.
I spotted her right away; she was standing with a glaring face, crossing her arms and tapping her foot, trying her best to look obviously angry. So I motioned for her to come up to the counter, since I knew she had a complaint and I wanted to get it fixed right away. I assumed that in the shuffle we had messed up her sandwich or something like that. Oh no.
I asked her what was wrong, and she pointed to her BOTTLED Mountain Dew and barked “THIS IS FLAT!” It was a bit accusing, as though it were my fault that the bottle of soda she just opened was flat. So I took it and told her to get another one out of the cooler, then check it to make sure it was good. After all that, she asked for a refund.
I said, as politely as I could, “Ma’am, I replaced your soda, sorry if there was an inconvenience but I don’t think a refund should be necessary.” So she stormed back to her table, obviously just fuming from this totally normal exchange, and started complaining loudly to her group about not getting a refund for the “flat” soda.
So, since I was having an awful day anyway and really could not see a witch like this ever working for us, I grabbed her application from the register, walked it over to the lobby trashcan nearest to her table, crumpled it up, and threw it away as she watched. The look on her face was priceless, and I didn’t regret it for a second.
54. Can’t Say I Didn’t Try
I work in loan collections, and most of my customers are horrifically rude. Sometimes during a really bad phone call, a customer will yell at me in a stream of awful words and then just hang up before I get a chance to tell them I’m trying to prevent a repo on their car. That’s when I call it a day and process them for a repo anyway.
55. Single and Unable to Mingle
I was a waitress, and this group had one too many to drink. This one guy was incessantly hitting on me, so I politely told him I had a boyfriend, and then he started to ask me rude things about my boyfriend. Things like, “Does he pay for dinner? Does he take care of you?” Just sorry attempts to diminish him in front of me.
After a few minutes of me ignoring him, he then asked about the size of my boyfriend’s package. That’s when I really lost my cool. “What’s the matter with you?” I snapped, “Why are you so obsessed with my boyfriend? I already told you he’s taken.” His friends started to roast the dude badly, but frankly he deserved it.
56. Be Careful What You Wish for
Someone called in during a busy day at work requesting that I fax an invoice. Almost immediately after, they called again and again, about 10 times in 15 minutes, asking why they hadn’t received it yet. I faxed them a copy on the hour every hour for the next day or two.
57. A Game of Telephone
I work in local theater, and we have a lot of rude, awful women from the nearby ballet schools come through our venue; they’re generally the mothers of the dancers so you know, those awful controlling dance moms you see on TV. Once, this woman rang up wanting seats to an almost sold-out ballet performance that had been on sale for four months the day before the show. It did not go well.
She did nothing but scream at me for five minutes because she left buying them too late, whined about how she shouldn’t have to pay to see her kids, whined that we should get a bigger venue, then put me on hold while she rang three of her relatives to see if they wanted seats too. She was positively horrific to me.
The seats I was about to sell her were the only ones in the theater left, and they were actually good seats. While I’m on hold, a grandma of one of the ballerinas comes to the desk and asks nicely if we have any seats left, as she’d been in hospital and couldn’t buy them earlier. She said she’d understand if we were booked out.
This awful woman still has me on hold, so I put the phone down and sold this old lady the last seats for the show, then gave her an invite to our next year’s dance season so she’d know exactly when all the important dates were coming. She thanked me over and over, and she’s now one of our regulars and brings her grandkids to our shows. Meanwhile, this other lady…
Two minutes after the old lady leaves, the witch on the other end finally takes me off hold and says she wants the remaining seats that we have left, I tell her “Sorry, we’ve just sold out while you had me on hold I’m afraid, better luck next year, anything else I can help you with?” She was choking with rage on the other end of the phone, it was fantastic.
58. A Christmas Miracle
I’m sort of the lynchpin in my family. My older sisters frequently fight each other and my parents don’t get along, but I try to hold things together. I help my sister with her mental health and my other one with money. Even though we all live near each other, I’m the only one that visits my parents. I take care of my grandma every day, frequently help anyone that asks, cook for people constantly, and I’m always the first one back down to avoid a fight. I’m also gay.
My dad has been struggling to cope with this fact for a while and has always been a jerk about it to me. I let it go. For almost four years, I let him have wiggle room to work things out. It’s clear now that he’s made no effort at all. One year, when Christmas came, my aunt who was hosting insisted that I bring my boyfriend, who everyone knew and loved already except, of course, for my dad.
He had not even met him. We were all in the same house for a while before I had some courage and asked my dad, “Do you want me to introduce you?” With the most petulant facial expression I’ve ever seen, he practically yelled “No” and turned away from me to start talking to my very uncomfortable uncle. I was embarrassed, enraged, and so very disappointed.
At that point, I just said screw it. I went around the party and told every single family member about what he had just done. By the end of the evening, everyone had turned on him. I then stopped talking to my dad. It’s been six months. My sisters are furious at my mom for defending him. I have ignored every text that he’s sent me in that time.
My mom is mad at me for detonating this bomb but I don’t care. I’m tired of ripping parts out of myself to keep this rusted old junker of a family running. No one does anything for me ever, so now I’m doing something for me. Sort yourselves out, or leave me alone. Life’s too short for me to saddle myself with everyone else’s nonsense.
59. Does Not Compute
I got bullied in middle school. We were working with laptops and some dudes kept pressing buttons on my keyboard every few minutes to try and mess up what I was working on. After like three times, one of them tried again. I turned my whole body towards him, grabbed him at the throat, and tipped him over with his chair. I then held him down on the ground for a few seconds.
Then, I let him go, sat back down, and continued doing my work in peace.
60. Throwing Caution to the Toilet
I’ve always been a good kid but one day I just really felt a strong desire to do something aggressive for a change. So I threw a recycling bin over a bathroom stall that some guy was pooping in. I thought it was hilarious at the time and felt pretty proud of myself for doing it. In hindsight, though, it was probably super dangerous and wrong. I would have screamed too if I were the guy in the stall.
61. There’s No Sugar Coat-ing This One!
I used to work in retail. One night, a customer asked me when a jacket would be discounted. I told her that I couldn’t say for sure, because we weren’t told when certain items would be reduced in price. She called me a dumb idiot and asked me to put it on hold for 24 hours in case it got discounted overnight.
I think it’s also worth noting that she claimed to be an Instagram influencer with over 5,000 followers, and she said she’d lose “deals” if she didn’t get the jacket. Also, she was mean towards the store’s security guard, who happens to be one of the kindest people I’ve ever met in my life. I put the jacket aside for her, but not before doing a system search and finding out that there were only three of these jackets left in her size in the entire country.
Fast forward 24 hours and she hasn’t come to pick up the jacket yet. I was feeling extra petty and I’d had a particularly bad day the day before. So exactly 24 hours after I had put it aside for her, I decided to buy it myself. I browsed around the store for a while before going to pay, and of course, by the time I went to pay, the girl was up there at the checkouts throwing a fit.
I didn’t stop there. Once I got to my car, I went online and ordered one of the other remaining jackets before driving to the other side of town and buying the third and last one in the country as well. It was near the end of the season, too, so chances are there weren’t going to be anymore any time soon. The whole thing cost me more money than I would have liked it to, but I stopped a monster from getting her way for once. And I don’t regret it.
62. Shouldering the Blame
My brother’s wife was always the type to just randomly hit you on the shoulder. I’ve asked her to stop many times before, but she would just reply, “It’s funny to see your reaction.” I’ve known her since high school, and I am 27 now. Last year was their wedding. After the wedding was over and we all went out for food, she obviously punched me again while everyone was at the table.
I leaned towards her and, so as not to bother anyone else, I whispered something to her that made the smile drop off her face in an instant. I said: “You’re family now. That means that if you punch me again, I will punch back. And I won’t stop the first time.” She never even tried it again.
63. Hitting the Target
I worked at Target when I was in my late teens and thought I was doing as good of a job as I could. When it came time for the yearly review, they told me I was “consistently inconsistent” and only gave me a six-cent raise. I was angry, but at the time I was too afraid to speak up for myself. Barely a month later, I was doing the same quality of work as before and was named employee of the month.
So it’s ok to tell me I suck in order to justify an insultingly low raise, but then celebrate me as employee of the month? Two weeks later, I found a new job and instead of giving them two weeks’ notice, I called in before one of my shifts and said I’m never coming back. Take that, Target!
64. Eating Their Problems
A guy I worked with at a Mexican restaurant was still in high school and was being tormented by other kids. I felt so bad for him. Then, one night, a group of guys came in to eat and my coworker told me they were the ones who had been persecuting him the worst. I took their table and secretly rubbed my sweaty private parts all over their tortillas before serving them.
It’s the only time I have ever tampered with a customer’s food, but they deserved worse honestly.
65. Vengeance Is Mine
I was an outsider in elementary school for a lot of reasons. On the last day of eighth grade, I finally said screw it. I grabbed the guy who had led the little group of jerks that had made my life miserable for all those years. I tipped him headfirst into a trash can. One of those ones that didn’t get emptied regularly.
No one believed him when he ran crying to the office to tell on me.
66. Pillow Talk
My college roommate was a super jerk. He wanted to split the room instead of living with bunk beds, and he gave me the bad half. I went home almost every single weekend just to get away from him. I hardly ever got enough sleep living in that place, so it was hard to get to class on time and my grades started taking a hit. He also talked about me behind my back and spread a bunch of rumors. He poisoned all of my friends against me.
So, I farted on his pillow. At every opportunity I had for the entire remainder of the school year, I took my rancid gas out on the spot where he placed his head when he slept at night.
67. The Key to Success
I once keyed the side of a car. I had just parked and a family pulled up to the slot beside me. When the kids opened their car doors, they slammed them right into my car. I stepped out to talk to them and the whole family basically started running away without saying a word or even looking back. I went to run my errand, then quickly came back out and keyed across the side of their car before I left.
Might have been excessive, but it felt very good.
68. Bending the Rules
About two years ago, there was this really annoying guy who sat next to me in a computer science class at school. He kept turning my computer off all the time just to get on my nerves, and he repeated this during every single lesson over the course of months—until one day I finally got really fed up. I bent and squeezed his hand as hard as I could. Two of his fingers popped out of place and to this day they still are out of place.
We are really good friends now, which is weird.
69. Why Don’t You Call Someone Who Cares
I worked in cell phone sales for a few years, and a woman once came in with a fairly new flip phone. She was complaining because one of the sides of the screen was dangling off. She claimed she hadn’t done anything to it and that it had just snapped all on its own volition. She was angrily demanding a new phone.
I told her, “That looks like physical damage and we don’t have any coverage for that.” She continued to insist that it wasn’t physical damage and the phone just sucked and broke itself. She started freaking out and calling me all kinds of names and swinging her phone in my face…until the top half of the phone LITERALLY snapped off and landed on the counter in front of me.
I just looked her in the eyes and said, “Well, that was definitely physical damage.” She lost her mind at my comment and it was weirdly satisfying.
70. Drilled Him
I don’t remember this because I was so young, but I was told this by many people. Apparently, when I was very young, there was some older kid who would torment all the kids at our daycare. He would do stuff like stomp on kids’ faces when they were getting their diapers changed or scream in people’s ears randomly. Somehow, nothing was ever done about him and the behavior went on for a while.
Eventually, I got sick of it and just threw a toy drill at his face one day as hard as I could while he was just sitting there minding his own business. It gave him a black eye for a long time and he stopped being a jerk from that day on. Other than this one hilarious incident, I have always been the best-behaved kid you can possibly imagine.
71. Hotel Havoc
I used to work as a front desk agent at a boutique hotel. A guy who was obviously very full of himself came in with an online reservation that he had booked at a shockingly cheap nightly rate. He proceeded to give me a hard time about EVERYTHING, from telling me he shouldn’t have to give me his credit card info since he had prepaid his reservation, to telling me “Um yeah, I’m pretty sure I can find the elevators, I’m not stupid.”
He was just being an all-around jerk. About 10 minutes after checking him in, he came down and demanded that we give him a bigger room with a king bed and a view, even though he had booked a standard queen bed online. I complied, as we had extra king beds available. 10 minutes later, he came down again to complain about the size of the room.
He told me, “I’m only going to give you one more chance to make me happy,” and asked for the general manager. After much arguing between him and my manager, we ended up giving him our nicest suite AND free parking since we had “Given him trouble.” He got all this for a way cheaper rate, like $40 per night! Oh, but he outdid himself.
Get this: He informed us shortly after the ordeal, while on his way out to dinner, that he was not even going to be in the room for the majority of his stay, as he was visiting friends and would be staying at their home. What the heck! So I made it my personal mission to make his life a living nightmare from that point on.
I reset his room keys every time I saw him leave the hotel—which was quite frequently, 3-4 times a day. It was particularly funny when he came back tired from a night out and had to come all the way down to the front desk to get his keys fixed. Needless to say, he was very frustrated by the end of his stay. I doubt he’ll be staying with us again.
72. Brotherly Love
Despite always being a “good girl” my whole life, I once slept with my ex-boyfriend’s brother after he broke up with me by telling me I was fat and then sleeping with a girl who he insisted was just his friend. The best part? Definitely the look on his face when we passed each other on my way to the bathroom from his brother’s room at two in the morning made the whole thing worth it.
73. We Could All Use a Vacation Now and Then
I have always been a good employee and followed all of the company’s rules. One year, though, I finished a project way ahead of schedule and decided to then take some paid grief leave off of work for an entire week due to “the passing of a loved one.” In reality, no one had passed away. I had just bought myself a new PC and I wanted a little vacation.
74. And That’s the Tea
I was the sole male on a business trip with some female co-workers. They wanted to have lunch in a little tea house, and I didn’t care, so in we went. The tea house provided frilly hats to wear during tea, and of course, they all insisted that I wear a pink one. Whatever, it’s all good, right? Well, apparently not so much.
The woman who owned the place ran it with her son, and he gave me no end of grief about wearing it. Every time he came into the small dining room, where a half dozen or so other people were also having lunch, he made some comment about how I should take it off, be more manly, and so on. He just wouldn’t let it go.
His insistence finally started getting on my nerves, so the next time he came in and made a comment about the hat, I piped up. “It could be worse,” I said. The whole room silenced to hear what I would say. “I could work in a tea house with my mommy.” The whole room erupted. Even his mom laughed. He laughed too, but I could tell it had struck a chord.
He didn’t really talk much the rest of the time we were there. In truth, I felt bad about it. I actually had a lot of respect for him helping his mom out like that. I just wanted him to stop bugging me about the hat.
I’m generally a very good student and I always follow all the rules. But one time I straight up plagiarized an entire book report in college by buying someone’s essay online. I got a perfect score on the assignment and never got caught for what I did. Sometimes I worry about whether I’m going to lose my diploma someday if anyone ever discovers the truth.
76. Here He Comes
I was bullied since first grade by the same guy every year. When we were in fifth grade, it got to the point where I would get mad whenever I saw his face. One day, I just couldn’t take it anymore and I grabbed him by the neck the minute he walked into the room. My friend was there too and grabbed me away from him. It was almost too late. He was starting to suffocate.
77. Elbow Room
I’m always nice to everybody, but there’s this one guy who was always a jerk to me. One day, he hurt himself doing something really stupid and then started trying to get sympathy from everyone at our school. So as he was talking to someone about it, I just decided to walk up to him and say, “I don’t care that you broke your elbow and neither does anyone else.”
78. He Really Puts the Wait in Waiter
I once went to a restaurant and ordered a pretty decent amount of food and drinks. My bill probably came to over $60 when all was said and done. When I was finished eating, I asked my waiter multiple times for the check, and he was always like “Yeah, I’ll go grab that for you,” but then five minutes later I would keep seeing him chatting with his coworkers or helping another table.
After about 45 minutes of being ignored, I just got up and left without paying.
79. Car Trouble
Basically, my dad has been a horrible parent for as long as I can remember. One day, we were in the car and he kept interrupting every single one of my sentences while we were arguing. I was trying to explain my point of view, which he had asked me to do, but he was clearly not interested at all in trying to understand it.
During this conversation, I accidentally dropped a curse word out of frustration. He reacted by trying to slap me while pinching my thigh. He even acted like he was going to try and push me out of the car. At that point, I just decided that enough was enough. I punched him right in the face. His mouth was a bit bloody after that.
80. In the Blink of an Eye
I was in the car with my grandma on a large four-lane road in town. A car next to us side swiped us pretty hard, so we pulled over to do the whole information exchange thing. The woman in the other car leaps out and starts screaming at my grandma saying, “You are the rudest person I’ve ever seen! You wouldn’t let me over! I had my blinker on!” I was completely taken aback. My grandma is the sweetest old lady and had either of us actually SEEN her blinker I know gram would let her over. But there was heavy traffic, and her car was directly beside us!
I dealt with the beast in the Camry and got her insurance. She ended by saying, “This isn’t my fault, that woman should let people over.” I laughed, which took her aback. I said, “You’re 100% at fault here. And by the way, a blinker is NOT a yield sign even if we had seen it. Learn how to drive before you hurt or kill someone.” Then we left. I was pretty happy when gram told me her insurance had accepted liability, and the agent told her something to the effect of “Yes, she yells at us too.”
81. Act Your Age
I had an older lady road rage me after I pulled into a parallel space in front of a police department. She apparently didn’t see me or was already angry at that point, and ended up rear-ending me while going at a really slow pace. But she wasn’t done! She backed out, drove up the street, turned around, and then smashed into me head on, screeching the entire time.
Well, she didn’t think about where she was doing this. The officers came out in time to see her smash me that second time. I got out all shaky-legged, wide-eyed and scattered. An officer came and helped me get up the curb, while another was pulling the woman out of her vehicle. She was screaming about young people being bad drivers, and screaming at me for being a “disrespecting millennial.”
I replied, “Ma’am, I may be a millennial, but at least I won’t be detained for child endangerment.” See, there was another thing she didn’t realize: My four-year-old was also in the car with me. I’m not that ashamed to admit that I called her a whole bunch of awful words after that, but she did endanger my child and I was absolutely furious.
The entire time, the officer was just chuckling at me and mildly telling me to watch my language. She was screaming back, and she was practically purple she was so angry. I still wasn’t over it weeks later, so I went to her court date. She lost her license permanently had to do 80 hours of anger management, 120 hours of community service, and was credited for three days behind bars. She was 84, and quite a piece of work.
82. The Apple Falls Far
My mother came to visit my son and our young family one day, and decided to throw out this lovely gem: “Your son is so much better behaved than you were as a child. You were horrible!” Without skipping a beat, I simply said to her, “Probably because my son has better parents.” She was not happy, but I was completely right.
83. Goth Forever
A fat guy in high school used to taunt me on the bus, asking if I used white-out for makeup because I was so pale. Finally, after I ignored him for a while, he says, “Don’t you get hot under all of those layers of black, goth girl?” I turned around to face him and said, “Don’t you get hot under all those layers of fat?” Never bothered me again.
84. Did I Stutter?
I was in the middle of an oral history report on George Washington. Usually, I don’t give them in front of the class because I had a stutter, but my speech therapist encouraged me to take a leap of faith, so I told the teacher I could give it in class. But it backfired almost immediately. I accidentally called him Thomas Jefferson because I was so nervous.
A rude girl in the back snickers and hollers, “I knew your brain was messed up!” Still, I reply “W-w-w-well at l-least I h-h-have a b-brain to m-mess up.” A few of my classmates actually stood up to give me a standing ovation at the end of my report. Thinking about it, still makes me tear up. Today, I can mostly speak without stuttering.
85. Family Feud
I was eight or nine at the time, and my mother and I had to pay a brief visit to my biological father’s mother. My biological father was not a good guy. He refused to pay child support for years, but once in a while he would send money to his mom just so my mom and I had to travel for four hours to just get it.
Money was tight, so we just had to deal with it, and he knew it. It was one of his ways of trying to humiliate us. My biological grandma wasn’t any better, either. This witch had been ruining my mom’s life from way before she divorced my dad. Her favorite was treating my mother like trash throughout her pregnancy.
Honestly, I wish we weren’t related by blood. So, my mom and I are sitting at her table one day on one of these child support trips. This witch pulls out a couple of big bills and gives them to me, telling me how generous she is to spare some for me (?!). I looked her square in the eye and said, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t take money from a stranger.”
The look on her face was priceless. Mom got me ice cream on the way back.
86. Love-Hate Relationship
This little wimpy jerk was in my face doing the bro-waltz with me over something utterly stupid. He had lost the game of pool we were playing. He threw down his cue, marched up to me, got right up in my face, mouth-breathing, swearing, trembling, clenching his fists, and essentially going full-jock mode on me.
Everyone in the bar had turned to watch this spectacle, and I just stood my ground and quietly let him have his meltdown. This went on for waaaay longer than it should have, and it became very awkward when nothing else was going to happen. Breaking the tension, I plainly stated “Are you gonna hit me or are you gonna screw me?”
The whole bar erupted in laughter. The kid turned to his friends looking for backup, but they were laughing too. He turned beet-red and stormed out. Got back to playing pool, and I had a nice warm feeling for the rest of the night.
87. I Know You Are But What Am I?
Yesterday, I was at a local party and passed a group of about five people while on the way to the toilet. Side note: I’m a bigger dude. One of the guys in the group piped and said, “Wow, you’re fat.” Fed up, I just replied: “Yeah, and you’re ugly, life is tough for us.” That sentence had him flabbergasted and the girls in the group laughing. It just felt so good to shut that guy up!
88. Work to Live
While working at a paint store, my assistant manager was giving me grief because I wanted to get off early to go take a final. She said, “When I was going to school and working, if there was ever a conflict between school and work, work always came first.” I should have been nicer, but instead, I looked at her and said, “That’s probably why you’re still working here.”
89. There’s No “I” in “Team
At my work one year, our project management team undercut and mismanaged a project so badly. All they cared about was getting the minimum viable product out, with the goal to roll out improvements later. So the product got released, and they all patted themselves on the back and moved on. Then that product broke, big time.
So we’re all in a meeting talking about how it’s so broken, how much it costs to fix it, all that. While there, I finally got fed up and asked, “How come we couldn’t afford to do it right, but we can afford to do it twice?”
90. Mommy’s Little Monster
A guy I worked with at Blockbuster got his driver’s license taken away after too many infractions. He was, at the time, 27 years old. So after the license revoking, he gets dropped off at work by his mother in an SUV. He comes in and he’s making fun of co-workers and being a pretentious jerk, and I have had enough about 20 minutes in.
I looked him in the eye after he called someone a loser and I said, “Dan, didn’t your MOMMY drop you off at work today? Was it your turn to bring orange slices to soccer practice?” A customer heard me and went “DAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYUM!” That was the end of his mockery of everyone for the day.
91. One for the Burn Book
I had a spoiled roommate who lacked social skills, so she would always pathetically brag about her possessions. Her parents bought her an iPad and she asked me smugly, “Don’t you wish you had an iPad?” I asked, “Don’t you wish you had friends?” Definitely one of the meanest things I’ve ever said, but it felt really good.
92. A Bitter Pill to Swallow
At the hearing where my divorce was finalized, my ex-wife cleaned up. Got the house, the TV, half the money in savings, and I had to pay spousal support for eight months and an exorbitant amount of child support. The only thing I got was half the credit card debt, 9k, even though 8 of it was hers. I also had to pay for her jerk attorney.
When we walked out of the courtroom, her friend who came for “moral support” walks up all smug and says, “How’d you like that?” The rest of her entourage was smiling, too. I turned to her and replied, “They can take my house, my TV, and every penny I have…but they can’t make me love you.” Instantly the smiles changed to dropped jaws. Before anyone could speak, I said, “Good day” and walked off.
93. Sticking Your Nose in It
One day in middle school, I deservedly got punched for making fun of a kid and started crying, leading to ridicule from the other kids. For the next few years, another kid always teased me about it. He would always ask how my nose was, and all I would ever mutter was a “screw you” or something equivalent like that.
Well, in 10th grade this kid’s mother had passed and he was gone for a few weeks to deal with it. One of the days he came back, I walked past him on the stairs and he asked his usual question, “Hey, how’s your nose?” I guess I finally had enough and snapped back at him with, “Hey, how’s your mom?” He never talked to me again.
94. I Could Do It in My Sleep
I was getting McDonald’s with my sister shortly after I woke up. My sister and I ordered and got our food, but when I got her fries, for some reason the cashier gave me just the fries but no bag. When I ask for a bag, she just throws me a paper bag, obviously rudely. Me, being sleepy, had trouble opening the bag. Then this exchange happened:
Her: “How old are you?” Me: “15. Why?” Her: “You’re 15 and you can’t open a bag?” I take a stunned beat. Then I say: “How old are you?” Her: “27.” Me: “And you’re working at a McDonald’s?” Then I left.
95. Be Careful What You Wish for
I had this horrible boss who never recognized all the good I did. She only berated me for every perceived mistake. Well, one day I made a small mistake at work and she flat-out told me, “Get yourself together. I can fire you and find someone who could do this better in five minutes!” I’d had enough—and I let her know it in the best way possible.
I took my apron off and, as head waiter 10 minutes before a Friday lunch rush, handed it to her. Then I said, “You’ve got five minutes.”
96. What Are Friends for?
A friend of mine was trash-talking me while we were all bowling. Off the cuff, I yelled at him, “You’re adopted! Your parents don’t even like you!” He laughed, but I didn’t really realize what I’d done. Three hours later, it hit me and I turned around and said, “Oh my God, you are adopted, I completely forgot! I’m so sorry dude.” He just thought it made the whole situation even funnier.
97. Sibling Rivalry
Once when my brother and I were kids, we got into one of those screaming fist fights that only siblings can. I was so fed up with him that I screamed “I hate you!!” His response left me speechless. He replied oh-so sincerely, “But I love you.” It really broke my anger, and we ended up laughing. One of the best come-backs from left field.
98. It’s Getting Hot in Here
After five years in a horrific relationship, I told my ex-husband that I wanted a divorce. He was very Christian, and he told me that I couldn’t divorce him or I’d go to hell. My response was “Well, I guess I’ll see you there!” I then kicked him out of my house and told him to call his mom for a plane ticket. It felt so good.
99. An Ancient Insult
My dad’s favorite comeback was one I made up. My older brother was picking on me mercilessly about my obsession with dragons, so seven-year-old me countered with, “DRAGONS ARE COOLER THAN YOU AND THEY DON’T EXIST!” Shut him up right quick.
100. Act Your Age
I was at a bar, at a table, with some friends. A group of women who looked to be in their early 50s were sitting at a nearby table. They were completely hammered, which normally wouldn’t be an issue. Except these ladies were literally gutting younger women with insults as they’d pass by. Trying to see how many they could make cry.
After about an hour or so of this happening, these women start looking for men to take home. I know this because they were nice enough to announce it out loud to the entire bar, every few minutes. One of the women, a blonde who happened to be the ring leader of this group, kept looking over at me, trying to capture my attention.
Not being overly attracted to obnoxious women, I ignore her, which only makes it worse, and only makes her more angry. So she gets up and walks over to our table. Tells me that she’s going to the bathroom and that I better be there when she returns, because I’m going home with her. To which I say, it’s not happening.
But she ignores me and makes her way to the bathroom. On her way back, she walks past me and loudly exclaims “Jerk!” so everyone at her table and my table can hear. To which I respond, “Oh mom, you know how you get after two drinks…” She turned around, and I’ve rarely seen a woman so angry. She started screaming something I couldn’t make out, which attracted the bouncer who promptly kicked her out. Everyone clapped.
101. A Slice of His Own Medicine
I used to work at this pizza joint that would stay open late on the weekends to hit the bar crowd. The pizza was “New York Style,” so 18″ pie was standard and slices were as big as your face. A pair of guys came in and ordered a slice each of the meat lover’s pizza, which came out to a somewhat hefty sum of like $4.75 a slice.
Now, I get it that one might find this pizza to be pricey, but the amount of toppings we put on it made up for that, so I thought. Well, these guys began throwing a fit about it and we defended ourselves by saying that we didn’t set the prices, and we’re sorry but that’s how it is, we have to eat too. That’s when the claws really came out.
One of the guys looks at my co-worker, who is a bit overweight, and goes, “Well, you look like you’re eating well…” He then pays for the slice and sits down to eat it. Five minutes later, I walk out with a slice for a different customer who asked to have his slice warmed in the oven, and as I turn around to go back behind the counter, those two guys are standing right in front of me and get all up in my face.
The one guy from before goes, “We’re gonna leave our garbage on the table for you to clean up, cause your pizza is too expensive.” I looked him right in the eyes and said, “You come rolling in here wearing your Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, ready to pay $8 for a shot, and you’re going to complain about $5 pizza? Get the heck out of my restaurant.”
As I said it, the guy looks around the whole restaurant that is now staring at us, and starts doing the whole, “pssssshhhhhh pffffttt pssshhhhhhhh” stuff, so I double down. I go, “What’s your problem? I said get out.” And all of a sudden, the whole restaurant erupted into a bunch of “OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH.” People were clapping. It was amazing.
The owner always told the guys running the bar shift that they could say and do whatever they needed to in order to get someone to leave who was being rude or disorderly. I took that privilege very seriously.
102. Look at You, Now Look at Me
I work in a supplement store. One night as I was nearing the end of my shift and getting tired of talking to people, a young guy and his buddy walk in. The guy decides he’s going to be Mr. Funny Man and make jokes about all the products. I hate when people do this, because the jokes are never funny, and I’ve also heard them all before.
So after humoring a few somewhat obnoxious quips from him, the guy grabs a fat burner off the shelf and holds it up at me. “Oooh, look at this one,” he says, turning to me. “Hey, miss, is this gonna make me look waaay better?” To which I replied, “I really hope so.” His buddy and the other guys in the store just started cracking up. I hadn’t MEANT to sound so witchy, it just sort of came out that way.
103. Do You Know Who I Am?
I was on a crowded bus with my friend one time when a girl from our high school just randomly decided to confront us. She had obviously been drinking and began to go off about how my friend had treated her horribly in high school because she used to be fat. She had recently lost a lot of weight and was clearly proud of it.
She then went on to say, so that the whole bus heard her, “Well look at me now, what do you have to say about me now???” To which my friend just replied, “I guess elephants never forget.” The entire bus lost it…her face was priceless. That said, I don’t know that it was our finest moment, she just seemed like a bad person on the inside too.
104. Don’t Stand by Me
I had just gone through a horrible breakup with my ex. Throughout my entire relationship, she kept me hanging on a string. She would burst into tantrums, ice me out, and then the next day she’d act like I was the one who needed to apologize and she was somehow the injured party. I honestly always wanted to make it work, but that’s not what happened.
So one day, she actually broke it off with me for good after another one of her tantrums. Told me she never wanted to see me again, threw out a bunch of my stuff, the whole nine yards. I’m heartbroken but making it through, and finally starting to see something of a light at the end of the tunnel after a few weeks without her. Then I get a text.
She says she wants to meet me for coffee. I don’t know exactly why I said yes, probably because I wasn’t completely over her, and a little because I wanted to see if I could get any closure from her. I didn’t know how I was going to react, but the minute I walked into that coffee shop, I just knew I was better off without her. Then she spoke, and I really knew.
Once more, she starts acting like all of this is my fault, not taking any responsibility or accountability for her actions. She ends her little speech and we get up to leave. I’m still not sure why she wants me here—if she wants to get back together or what. As she’s saying goodbye, she says tearfully that she “never knew where she stood with me.”
I know now she’s leaving a little opening for us, but I can’t do it anymore. I just put my hand on her shoulder, guide her a few inches to the left, and say a little firmly, “Stand over there.”
105. Sweep the Leg
One of my girlfriend’s cousins, a young boy, kept being a little devil and constantly bothering me. He just started hitting me in the face. I warned him, my girlfriend warned him, and I even said, “If you do that again I will hit you back.” So he did it again, and I instantly swiped his feet away from him. He whacked his head on the floor and cried.
106. Back off My Buns
There was an elementary school next to my high school, and some of the kids who went there were really messed up. They were like eight or 10, standing outside and being rude little jerks to everyone who walked past them. We were actually shocked with their vocabulary. Anyway, one day I was walking by, alone, eating some buns.
This one kid comes up to me with a smug look on his face and yells, “GIVE ME A BUN, YOU IDIOT!” The look on my face was must have been something like shock or disbelief as I replied, “No! Screw Off!” to him before I turned my back on the kid and started walking away to get to my next class on time. Big. Mistake.
I suddenly feel a slight push and weight added to my back. The kid was hanging on my back, pulling my hair and screaming “GIVE ME A BUN!” I felt like I had been attacked by an angry leper gnome. In my panic, the only thought I had in my head was “OH MY GOD! GET THIS OFF OF ME!” In some weird move worthy of WWE, I spun around quickly while straightening my back and loosened my backpack, which caused this little jerk to fly off me.
He spun around in the air and landed face-first on the concrete. He immediately started crying like the kid he was. I proceeded to walk over to him. His teary, fear-filled eyes stared up at me as I picked up my backpack. I turned my back on him again, picked up a new bun, and enjoyed the fading sound of that brat’s crying as I walked away, eating my sweet bun.
107. Not Today, Whiner
This guy at my college job ALWAYS had something to complain about every single time he came in. Maybe his friend was talking to his girl, his girl didn’t want to hang out with him, he hit someone else in traffic, etc…One day, we were having a store meeting with everyone in it. It was early in the morning so I didn’t feel like hearing it this time, and I was particularly short with him.
We were standing in the group and he apparently had just told everyone the story of how he was going to be in low spirits today because his girlfriend broke up with him. I came in a bit late to the circle and everyone is just kind of staring at their feet. He was good at milking a crowd…Me: “What’s up, everybody?”
Him: “I just let everyone know that my girlfriend dumped me last night, so I’ll probably have to take it easy today. It was about 10 PM and she call—” Me: “Yeah, yeah, life’s tough all over. You’ve prepped your excuse for laziness, got’cha. I meant, what is the meeting about?” The group just started laughing and he kept his mouth shut for the rest of the meeting.
Sounds petty, but I felt great and everyone was thrilled that he stopped milking it for 20 minutes.
108. Whine and Dine
My stepdad was having a Christmas dinner party a few years back for his firm at his house. One of my stepdad’s friends had just been talking blowhard stuff all night, especially little comments here and there about me, you could call it teasing. At first I brushed it off because he was drinking, but it got to me after a while.
Anyway, we’re all eating at the table and he’s sitting across from me, his date is at the end of the table, to the right of me. Everyone was talking, and somehow the conversation steered towards me about to make it a long-distance thing with my girl, because I was moving for college. So the dude starts talking up again, saying something along the lines of, “You’re so young to be whipped, when I was your age I had all sorts of fun before I got old.” It was almost awkward.
Then the date gently grabs his bicep and says, “It’s ok, I like my men how I like my wine,” and me without skipping a beat says, “You like them extra-fruity?” The whole dinner table of like 15 of us just started laughing uproariously.
109. Man Up
My uncles were complaining about my dad, so I walked into the conversation and told them it wasn’t polite to talk about people behind their backs. My uncle turned to me and said I shouldn’t interrupt when the men are speaking. Completely out of character, I replied, “I don’t see any men in here.” Boy did I get into trouble, but that’s how I knew I won.
110. How the Other Half Gives
I was having a bad day while working at a Subway one night, this kid comes in and orders a foot-long sub. The entire time I’m trying to take his order, he mumbles, sighs, walks away, and keeps saying, “I dunno.” Just generally, he’s being a huge brat. Then when it comes time to pay, he smiles at me with this annoying little grin and says he doesn’t have enough cash on him.
He’s close, but off by about 40 cents. So I said, “No problem little buddy, let me just ring that in as a six inch.” He beams triumphantly that his short change plot worked—but he didn’t know what was coming. Before I rang it up, I snatched the sandwich back, split it in two, and handed him half the sub with his change while tossing the other half in the trash. Problem solved.