There are moments in life where we just can’t play nice anymore. We just can't turn the other cheek. Instead, we have to give as good as we got. From bar-room quips to revenge against unreasonable parents, here are the best retorts from quick-thinking Redditors. Sometimes, one witty comeback is worth a thousand words.
1. The Apple Falls Far
My mother came to visit my son and our young family one day, and decided to throw out this lovely gem: "Your son is so much better behaved than you were as a child. You were horrible!" Without skipping a beat, I simply said to her, "Probably because my son has better parents." She was not happy, but I was completely right.
2. Don’t Kiss and Makeup
I was in line at a fast food joint, and this diva Karen in front of me was giving the trainee cashier a really awful time. This nightmare customer was all dolled up—but I knew how to shut her up. I just said, "Maybe if you ate some of your makeup you'd be pretty on the inside." Entire line-up went speechless. Grabbed my takeout and left.
3. Going Gaga
My grandma was a classy broad with a great sense of humor. I loved her so much, even at the end when she was frail and needed a lot of help to get around. One day, we were hanging out and she said jokingly, "You're such a big baby." I just laughed and said, "I'm not the one wearing diapers!" Granny loved that one.
4. Goth Forever
A fat guy in high school used to taunt me on the bus, asking if I used white-out for makeup because I was so pale. Finally, after I ignored him for a while, he says, "Don't you get hot under all of those layers of black, goth girl?" I turned around to face him and said, "Don't you get hot under all those layers of fat?" Never bothered me again.
5. Girl Power
Back in the late 60s, I had very long hair and wore the flowery stuff that was the fashion back then. Anyway, I was dating this girl whose mom absolutely hated me. After yet another snotty exchange, I asked her what her problem with me was. She said, "I think you’re effeminate!" I replied, "Compared to you, I guess I am!"
6. My Brother’s Keeper
My brother, who is our parents’ biological child, was talking about how he was the favorite child because he was the “real” son and I was adopted. My response: "Well, they picked me, and got stuck with you!" He had nothing left to say.
7. Say What You Mean
I was giving an oral presentation in French class in high school and got heckled by two classmates in particular. As I finished and went to sit down, annoyed, one of them told me snidely, “Good oral, witch.” My reply was withering. “Yeah, too bad the only good oral you can give is to (other classmate)." Even the teacher couldn't keep herself together.
8. Burn Baby Burn
I was planning to split a hotel room with my girlfriend and sister, and I jokingly told my sister, "You know what the sock on the door means, right?" She replies, “Yeah, that you need alone time while I go shopping with your girlfriend.” Unable to think of a witty response, I just said, "Well, at least buy me socks." Her reply? "I'll be sure to stop by the Baby Gap." Burn.
9. Not Here to Play Nice
A bigger girl in high school used to always give me a hard time. I slimmed down one summer from a growth spurt, and when she passed me in the hallway, she smiled and shouted in mock enthusiasm, "Hey! Have you lost weight?!?" So I smiled and shouted, "Hey! Have you found it?!?" She never spoke to me again.
10. Do Not Reply
I got a text from my ex the other day asking me to delete her number from my phone because “Honestly, I don’t care anymore.” My reply was, “Who is this?”
11. Selling out
During one light-hearted conversation, my mom made a comment that women might have more right to a child because they gave birth to it. Well, I shot back that if I put money in a vending machine, the coke that comes out belongs to me. Everyone in the conversation had a big laugh at this, including my mom.
12. Long Hair, Don’t Care
My religious Grandma once complained to me about my long hair, saying, "All these kids today with their long hair, men should keep their hair short.” I just told her, "Grandma, Jesus had long hair."
13. Did I Stutter?
I was in the middle of an oral history report on George Washington. Usually, I don't give them in front of the class because I had a stutter, but my speech therapist encouraged me to take a leap of faith, so I told the teacher I could give it in class. But it backfired almost immediately. I accidentally called him Thomas Jefferson because I was so nervous.
A rude girl in the back snickers and hollers, "I knew your brain was messed up!" Still, I reply "W-w-w-well at l-least I h-h-have a b-brain to m-mess up." A few of my classmates actually stood up to give me a standing ovation at the end of my report. Thinking about it, still makes me tear up. Today, I can mostly speak without stuttering.
14. The Silver Lining
My good friend has leukemia and had to undergo chemotherapy a year ago. Let me tell you, it was very apparent that he was doing it. Cancer sucks, guys. But there was one bright spot during this time—it gave him the best comeback. One day, he was arguing with someone and ended it by saying, "Wow, that comeback was so bad it gave me cancer.” No going on from that.
15. Family Feud
I was eight or nine at the time, and my mother and I had to pay a brief visit to my biological father's mother. My biological father was not a good guy. He refused to pay child support for years, but once in a while he would send money to his mom just so my mom and I had to travel for four hours to just get it.
Money was tight, so we just had to deal with it, and he knew it. It was one of his ways of trying to humiliate us. My biological grandma wasn’t any better, either. This witch had been ruining my mom's life from way before she divorced my dad. Her favorite was treating my mother like trash throughout her pregnancy.
Honestly, I wish we weren't related by blood. So, my mom and I are sitting at her table one day on one of these child support trips. This witch pulls out a couple of big bills and gives them to me, telling me how generous she is to spare some for me (?!). I looked her square in the eye and said, "I'm sorry, but I just can't take money from a stranger."
The look on her face was priceless. Mom got me ice cream on the way back.
16. Are You Trying to Seduce Me?
I was at the bank cashing a check I had received from helping tile my neighbor’s house. Well, this just so happens to be when I found out that this neighbor liked going to, uh “the gentleman's club,” and that he was in there often enough that the bank teller knew his name. She looked at me, smiled, and asked if I wanted the check-in ones, so that I could go out later. Without missing a beat I replied, "Only if you'll be there." She blushed and everyone laughed. The teller handed me my money, flustered and speechless.
17. I’ve Taken My Bow
I was walking through Spain in a smallish town. It was a hot day, and people were wandering through the streets. There were two English tourists who were standing on their balcony overhanging the streets. They shouted to these two good-looking Spanish girls and started singing the Queen song "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!"
One of the hot girls turns and shouts, "NO TIME FOR LOSERS!" It was a glorious moment.
18. Love-Hate Relationship
This little wimpy jerk was in my face doing the bro-waltz with me over something utterly stupid. He had lost the game of pool we were playing. He threw down his cue, marched up to me, got right up in my face, mouth-breathing, swearing, trembling, clenching his fists, and essentially going full-jock mode on me.
Everyone in the bar had turned to watch this spectacle, and I just stood my ground and quietly let him have his meltdown. This went on for waaaay longer than it should have, and it became very awkward when nothing else was going to happen. Breaking the tension, I plainly stated "Are you gonna hit me or are you gonna screw me?"
The whole bar erupted in laughter. The kid turned to his friends looking for backup, but they were laughing too. He turned beet-red and stormed out. Got back to playing pool, and I had a nice warm feeling for the rest of the night.
19. Couch Surfing
I was drinking with friends, and a bunch of us were crowded into a hotel suite. One of my friends had just learned that he had gotten a girl pregnant, and he was being a jerk to the rest of my friends and I. By the way, I alone had paid for the hotel suite. So the jerk comes up to me and says, “Screw you, I’m taking your bed.”
"Uh…but this is my room, I paid for it, pretty sure that gives me the right to sleep in my own bed." But he wouldn’t let it go. He says, just crash on a couch, man. I'm sure one of them has to pull out." Me: "Yeah...unlike you." BOOM.
20. I Know You Are But What Am I?
Yesterday, I was at a local party and passed a group of about five people while on the way to the toilet. Side note: I’m a bigger dude. One of the guys in the group piped and said, "Wow, you’re fat." I just replied: "Yeah, and you’re ugly, life is tough for us." That sentence had him flabbergasted and the girls in the group laughing. It just felt so good to shut that guy up!
21. Work to Live
While working at a paint store, my assistant manager was giving me grief because I wanted to get off early to go take a final. She said, "When I was going to school and working, if there was ever a conflict between school and work, work always came first." I looked at her and said, "That's probably why you're still working here."
22. Tough Love
A guy I went to school with thought he was God's gift to women. He was seriously so annoying, and it bothered me even being around him. One day, for some reason he was discussing the most humane ways to die. He says, “If I ever had to end someone, I would make love with them until they passed.” Oh, I got him so good.
Without even really thinking about it, I responded, “Aw, how cruel, letting someone die of boredom.”
23. Do As I Say, Not As I Do
I was shopping for houses a few weeks ago with my wife. While we were in one, I mentioned that I didn't like the house because it lacked a garage. Out of frustration, my wife snapped, "I don't know why you want a garage, you suck at working on cars." I instantly fired back with, "I don't know why you want a nice kitchen, you suck at cooking."
Both her and the real estate agent were pretty quiet after that. I had to cook every meal for two weeks, though, so I feel like I lost the war. I love that woman...
24. Get It off Your Chest
I’m a guy, and I had recently lost weight through running, even though I was thin to begin with. A girl I was sort of dating was breaking up with me and jokingly said, "I couldn't go out with a guy whose waist is narrower than mine, anyway." In a moment of pettiness, I replied, "That's OK. I couldn't go out with a woman whose chest is smaller than mine."
25. Taking Care of Business
There was this mean girl at school who constantly made fun of everyone, and she happened to have a big nose. After hearing her rant about her latest victim, and finally snapped and said back, "I know it's hard because it's so big, but could you keep your nose out of everyone’s business?" She was speechless for a second.
26. Mommy’s Little Monster
A guy I worked with at Blockbuster got his driver's license taken away after too many infractions. He was, at the time, 27 years old. So after the license revoking, he gets dropped off at work by his mother in an SUV. He comes in and he's making fun of co-workers and being a pretentious jerk, and I have had enough about 20 minutes in.
I looked him in the eye after he called someone a loser and I said, "Dan, didn't your MOMMY drop you off at work today? Was it your turn to bring orange slices to soccer practice?" A customer heard me and went "DAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYUM!" That was the end of his mockery of everyone for the day.
27. The Long and the Short of It
My friend in high school wore her own shorts to gym because she thought the school ones were too short. One day, the gym teacher got so angry he yelled, "Natalie take those shorts off right now" and she looked him square in the eye and goes, "Shouldn't you wine me and dine me first, sir?" She got suspended and it was great.
28. One for the Burn Book
I had a spoiled roommate who lacked social skills, so she would always pathetically brag about her possessions. Her parents bought her an iPad and she asked me smugly, "Don't you wish you had an iPad?" I asked, "Don't you wish you had friends?" Definitely one of the meanest things I've ever said, but it felt really good.
29. Who Wears the Pants Here?
I was walking down a main street in Huntington Beach in slim fit jeans with my friend, who was also wearing slim fit jeans. We passed a group of three larger bro guys who were all wearing terrible “hit man fight gear” and just generally looking like they might be awful human beings. Spoiler: They were even more awful than I imagined.
As we are passing them on the sidewalk, one of them says "nice pants” and calls us a bad word. My buddy casually stops and, with a straight face and no sign of anger, says, "Yeah, you know I thought these were great pants too, that’s why I took them after I slept with your sister last night." The guys stop, look angry for a minute, and then the one who insulted us smiles and says "I did not expect that at all, good comeback." Then after a long pause, they walked on and so did we.
30. A Bitter Pill to Swallow
At the hearing where my divorce was finalized, my ex-wife cleaned up. Got the house, the TV, half the money in savings, and I had to pay spousal support for eight months and an exorbitant amount of child support. The only thing I got was half the credit card debt, 9k, even though 8 of it was hers. I also had to pay for her jerk attorney.
When we walked out of the courtroom, her friend who came for "moral support” walks up all smug and says, "How'd you like that?" The rest of her entourage was smiling, too. I turned to her and replied, "They can take my house, my TV, and every penny I have...but they can’t make me love you." Instantly the smiles changed to dropped jaws. Before anyone could speak, I said, "Good day" and walked off.
31. Sticking Your Nose in It
One day in middle school, I deservedly got punched for making fun of a kid and started crying, leading to ridicule from the other kids. For the next few years, another kid always teased me about it. He would always ask how my nose was, and all I would ever mutter was a “screw you" or something equivalent like that.
Well, in 10th grade this kid’s mother had passed and he was gone for a few weeks to deal with it. One of the days he came back, I walked past him on the stairs and he asked his usual question, "Hey, how's your nose?" I guess I finally had enough and snapped back at him with, "Hey, how's your mom?" He never talked to me again.
32. And That’s the Tea
I was the sole male on a business trip with some female co-workers. They wanted to have lunch in a little tea house, and I didn't care, so in we went. The tea house provided frilly hats to wear during tea, and of course, they all insisted that I wear a pink one. Whatever, it's all good, right? Well, apparently not so much.
The woman who owned the place ran it with her son, and he gave me no end of grief about wearing it. Every time he came into the small dining room, where a half dozen or so other people were also having lunch, he made some comment about how I should take it off, be more manly, and so on. He just wouldn’t let it go.
His insistence finally started getting on my nerves, so the next time he came in and made a comment about the hat, I piped up. "It could be worse," I said. The whole room silenced to hear what I would say. "I could work in a tea house with my mommy." The whole room erupted. Even his mom laughed. He laughed too, but I could tell it had struck a chord.
He didn't really talk much the rest of the time we were there. In truth, I felt bad about it. I actually had a lot of respect for him helping his mom out like that. I just wanted him to stop bugging me about the hat.
33. I Could Do It in My Sleep
I was getting McDonald's with my sister shortly after I woke up. My sister and I ordered and got our food, but when I got her fries, for some reason the cashier gave me just the fries but no bag. When I ask for a bag, she just throws me a paper bag, obviously rudely. Me, being sleepy, had trouble opening the bag. Then this exchange happened:
Her: "How old are you?" Me: "15. Why?" Her: "You're 15 and you can't open a bag?" I take a stunned beat. Then I say: "How old are you?" Her: "27." Me: "And you're working at a McDonald's?" Then I left.
34. But Who Monitors the Monitor?
In high school, my classmates and I were waiting outside of the room for math class, since the teacher hadn’t yet arrived. The hall monitor, who was a big, burly jerk, walks up to us and yells at us to get to class. Nobody says anything for a second, then I step up and say, "You heard the man, everybody walk through that locked door and get to class."
35. Be Careful What You Wish for
I had this horrible boss who never recognized all the good I did. She only berated me for every perceived mistake. Well, one day I made a small mistake at work and she flat-out told me, “Get yourself together. I can fire you and find someone who could do this better in five minutes!" I’d had enough—and I let her know it in the best way possible.
I took my apron off and, as head waiter 10 minutes before a Friday lunch rush, handed it to her. Then I said, “You’ve got five minutes.”
36. Sibling Rivalry
Once when my brother and I were kids, we got into one of those screaming fist fights that only siblings can. I was so fed up with him that I screamed "I hate you!!" His response left me speechless. He replied oh-so sincerely, "But I love you." It really broke my anger, and we ended up laughing. One of the best come-backs from left field.
I was sitting at a row of slot machines in Las Vegas with my uncle. We're just sitting there chatting and smoking when a woman comes and chooses to sit next to US. After a few moments, she gives that fake cough to get someone’s attention, then looks at my uncle and has the gall to say, "You need to put that cigarette out, it's bothering me."
Without skipping a beat, he replies, "Oh yeah, it's bothering you? Well it's killing me and I'm not complaining about it, now please leave." That is still one of the funniest things I've ever witnessed. The lady jumped up and I guarantee headed straight to talk to a manager.
38. British Diplomacy
I saw an argument between an American and a British guy about language and cultural differences, and the British guy said something like: "You know what, let’s just end this argument. We're different people of different cultures and that's just how it is. We say pavement, you say sidewalk. We say boot, you say trunk. We say trousers you say pants.” He gave a really long pause and then said, “We say school, you say shooting range."
39. An Ancient Insult
My dad’s favorite comeback was one I made up. My older brother was picking on me mercilessly about my obsession with dragons, so seven-year-old me countered with, "DRAGONS ARE COOLER THAN YOU AND THEY DON'T EXIST!" Shut him up right quick.
40. Nice Guys Finish Last
I was sitting in a coffee shop with some friends, plus a few people I didn't know. The girls in the group started talking about the types of guys they are into. This one girl I just met said, "I don't know what it is, but I really love when guys are jerks to me." Now, I’m usually a sap, but before she could finish her next sentence, I say, "Oh my god, are you still talking?" She gave me a grin of approval.
41. Food Fight
I was conversing with a friend about video games in the school cafeteria when a loud, overweight girl starts loudly talking about how all guys who play video games are nerds. I shoot her a look and say "I guess I'm a nerd, then." She rolls her eyes and says, "Tell me something I don't know, freak." Off the top of my head, I reply, "Salad tastes good."
42. Act Your Age
I was at a bar, at a table, with some friends. A group of women who looked to be in their early 50s were sitting at a nearby table. They were completely hammered, which normally wouldn't be an issue. Except these ladies were literally gutting younger women with insults as they'd pass by. Trying to see how many they could make cry.
After about an hour or so of this happening, these women start looking for men to take home. I know this because they were nice enough to announce it out loud to the entire bar, every few minutes. One of the women, a blonde who happened to be the ring leader of this group, kept looking over at me, trying to capture my attention.
Not being overly attracted to obnoxious women, I ignore her, which only makes it worse, and only makes her more angry. So she gets up and walks over to our table. Tells me that she's going to the bathroom and that I better be there when she returns, because I'm going home with her. To which I say, it's not happening.
But she ignores me and makes her way to the bathroom. On her way back, she walks past me and loudly exclaims "Jerk!" so everyone at her table and my table can hear. To which I respond, "Oh mom, you know how you get after two drinks..." She turned around, and I've rarely seen a woman so angry. She started screaming something I couldn't make out, which attracted the bouncer who promptly kicked her out. Everyone clapped.
43. A Slice of His Own Medicine
I used to work at this pizza joint that would stay open late on the weekends to hit the bar crowd. The pizza was "New York Style," so 18" pie was standard and slices were as big as your face. A pair of guys came in and ordered a slice each of the meat lover’s pizza, which came out to a somewhat hefty sum of like $4.75 a slice.
Now, I get it that one might find this pizza to be pricey, but the amount of toppings we put on it made up for that, so I thought. Well, these guys began throwing a fit about it and we defended ourselves by saying that we didn't set the prices, and we're sorry but that’s how it is, we have to eat too. That’s when the claws really came out.
One of the guys looks at my co-worker, who is a bit overweight, and goes, "Well, you look like you're eating well..." He then pays for the slice and sits down to eat it. Five minutes later, I walk out with a slice for a different customer who asked to have his slice warmed in the oven, and as I turn around to go back behind the counter, those two guys are standing right in front of me and get all up in my face.
The one guy from before goes, "We’re gonna leave our garbage on the table for you to clean up, cause your pizza is too expensive." I looked him right in the eyes and said, "You come rolling in here wearing your Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, ready to pay $8 for a shot, and you're going to complain about $5 pizza? Get the heck out of my restaurant.”
As I said it, the guy looks around the whole restaurant that is now staring at us, and starts doing the whole, "pssssshhhhhh pffffttt pssshhhhhhhh" stuff, so I double down. I go, “What’s your problem? I said get out.” And all of a sudden, the whole restaurant erupted into a bunch of "OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH." People were clapping. It was amazing.
The owner always told the guys running the bar shift that they could say and do whatever they needed to in order to get someone to leave who was being rude or disorderly. I took that privilege very seriously.
44. Getting Antsy
My sister was about four years old and wanting to play kitchen in her room, so she grabbed some cereal boxes from the kitchen and put them in her bedroom. My mother was trying to explain why it wasn't acceptable and said, "The cereal will bring ants, do you want ants in your room?" My sister, not missing a beat, replied, "Do you want ants in your kitchen?!” This story still gets brought up at family gatherings 20+ years later.
45. Look at You, Now Look at Me
I work in a supplement store. One night as I was nearing the end of my shift and getting tired of talking to people, a young guy and his buddy walk in. The guy decides he's going to be Mr. Funny Man and make jokes about all the products. I hate when people do this, because the jokes are never funny, and I've also heard them all before.
So after humoring a few somewhat obnoxious quips from him, the guy grabs a fat burner off the shelf and holds it up at me. "Oooh, look at this one,” he says, turning to me. “Hey, miss, is this gonna make me look waaay better?" To which I replied, "I really hope so." His buddy and the other guys in the store just started cracking up. I hadn't MEANT to sound so witchy, it just sort of came out that way.
46. Take a Bow
I was at a comedy club and got up to use the bathroom, which was directly behind the stage. As I walked back to my table, the comedian on stage waved at the curtain behind him and said, "You know, behind this curtain is a one-way mirror! We were all watching you in there!" In an uncharacteristic moment of confidence and wit, I turned to him and said, "Yes. I heard the applause."
47. Chew on This
One day, I was at a new year’s party at my uncle’s house. One of my uncle’s friends was making fun of my dog, who is a dachshund, and said, "You can tell a lot about a man by the size of his dog." I replied with, "Well, you have a cat..."
48. Gotta Catch ‘em all
I really liked anime when I was in school, and so all the people who used to tease me back then often taunted me with stuff about Pokemon. One day in math class, one of the worst guys turned around and said in a mean voice, "I've caught all the Pokemon, what about you?" Me: "Really? Have you caught Chlamydia yet?" But that wasn’t the best part.
Him: "Of course I have.” Then, a girl in front of him turned around and said, "Dude, that's a disease." He looked so ashamed, and I felt completely vindicated.
49. Smooth Operator
One evening when I was out and very much single, I was trying to flirt with a girl who was quite a bit taller than me at a bar. The girl dismissively said, "I've got at least 6 inches on you." Without missing a beat, I replied, "That's okay, I've got at least 7 inches on you." She laughed—and bought me a drink. Thanks, brain.
50. Corporate Comeback
I was at a happy hour work event and I was getting ready to leave. As I do, I see that my coat is still on the barstool that I was at earlier, but it’s now being sat on by my CEO. Likewise, my bag was on the bar next to him. So I walk over and somewhat sheepishly—I was pretty low on the totem pole at this point—say, "Excuse me."
I get my coat, but when I go to grab my bag, he grabs it and says, winking at the CFO, "It's cool, we've already been through your bag, there's no money in there.” Without even thinking, I said "Yeah, we're gonna have to have a talk about that." They burst out laughing and after that, I was cool with the CEO.
51. Getting Schooled
Once, back when I was in high school, our teacher was away for the day and I was joking around with the substitute in one of my classes, since I knew him from outside of school. We were talking about girlfriends or something. He had mentioned something about dating women, so I yell out to him, "Your mother doesn't count!" to which he replied, "Well, she's an accountant, so yeah, she does." I had to give him a bro-fist for it.
52. Do You Know Who I Am?
I was on a crowded bus with my friend one time when a girl from our high school just randomly decided to confront us. She had obviously been drinking and began to go off about how my friend had treated her horribly in high school because she used to be fat. She had recently lost a lot of weight and was clearly proud of it.
She then went on to say, so that the whole bus heard her, "Well look at me now, what do you have to say about me now???" To which my friend just replied, "I guess elephants never forget." The entire bus, lost it...her face was priceless. That said, I don’t know that it was our finest moment, she just seemed like a bad person on the inside too.
53. Quick on the Draw
A few years ago, I was working as a checker at Safeway. One day, a man and his son come up to my line. They start unloading their cart, and I quickly grab each item as they place it on the belt. It's a very large cart and we both start going faster until he asks if we're now racing. I tell him that if he wants to, I'm more then happy to win.
He gives me a smile and both the dad and the kid start throwing things on the belt and I'm still keeping up. He looks at me and just says, "Your overconfidence will be your weakness." Without even a half-second delay, I give my best decrepit voice and reply, apparently quite loudly, "Your faith in your friends is yours!"
He just stops completely in his tracks and we both start cracking up, along with most of the lines around us, as well as all my co-workers who heard it. I was proud of myself for weeks after that happened, and I still don't think I've ever been that quick-witted since.
54. Instant Replay
Back when I was a senior in high school, our football stadium underwent an enormous and expensive renovation. Like, we’re talking an actual Jumbotron was added to the end zone. We were one of the only high schools in the state to have one. Yeah, it was absolutely ridiculous, and we were also one of the richest schools in the neighborhood.
Well, quite rightly, lots of my friends and acquaintances from rival high schools chided use to no end about our Jumbotron. Fast forward to basketball season. It was an away game across town at a fairly big basketball complex. This thing was massive, and acted as the home court for like three or four high school around my city.
It was a big rivalry game with a packed house, and my school was currently destroying the other team. After one particularly flashy fast break and dunk, the entire arena went oddly silent after we finished cheering for our team. I saw my moment, and I took it—with amazing results. I shouted, "I wanna see that again, where's your Jumbotron?"
It was met with lots of angry "Ooooohhhhhhhs" and a smattering of boos from the other side of the arena, as well as a stern look from one of our vice principals that eventually cracked into a smile and full-blown laughter. Yeah, everyone was right to make fun of us, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t tease them back about it. Also, we won that game.
55. Don’t Stand by Me
I had just gone through a horrible breakup with my ex. Throughout my entire relationship, she kept me hanging on a string. She would burst into tantrums, ice me out, and then the next day she’d act like I was the one who needed to apologize and she was somehow the injured party. I honestly always wanted to make it work, but that’s not what happened.
So one day, she actually broke it off with me for good after another one of her tantrums. Told me she never wanted to see me again, threw out a bunch of my stuff, the whole nine yards. I’m heartbroken but making it through, and finally starting to see something of a light at the end of the tunnel after a few weeks without her. Then I get a text.
She says she wants to meet me for coffee. I don’t know exactly why I said yes, probably because I wasn’t completely over her, and a little because I wanted to see if I could get any closure from her. I didn’t know how I was going to react, but the minute I walked into that coffee shop, I just knew I was better off without her. Then she spoke, and I really knew.
Once more, she starts acting like all of this is my fault, not taking any responsibility or accountability for her actions. She ends her little speech and we get up to leave. I’m still not sure why she wants me here—if she wants to get back together or what. As she’s saying goodbye, she says tearfully that she “never knew where she stood with me.”
I know now she’s leaving a little opening for us, but I can’t do it anymore. I just put my hand on her shoulder, guide her a few inches to the left, and say a little firmly, "Stand over there."
56. He Gave as Good as He Got
I was with a buddy of mine who was known to be sort of a loose cannon. We're drinking at the bowling alley and there is a family next to us and the men are wearing turbans. My friend is of Mexican descent, and at this point he's had his fair share of drinks. He turns to look at one of the men wearing the turban and he says...
"Hey, why do you wear that towel around your head?" And without skipping a beat, the other man shoots right back with a…"To wipe the wet off your back." I've never seen my friend look more stunned. Even three sheets to the wind, he knew that he had just been defeated big time. We left shortly after this, tail between our legs.
57. Not Today, Whiner
This guy at my college job ALWAYS had something to complain about every single time he came in. Maybe his friend was talking to his girl, his girl didn't want to hang out with him, he hit someone else in traffic, etc...One day, we were having a store meeting with everyone in it. It was early in the morning so I didn't feel like hearing it this time, and I was particularly short with him.
We were standing in the group and he apparently had just told everyone the story of how he was going to be in low spirits today because his girlfriend broke up with him. I came in a bit late to the circle and everyone is just kind of staring at their feet. He was good at milking a crowd...Me: "What's up, everybody?"
Him: "I just let everyone know that my girlfriend dumped me last night, so I'll probably have to take it easy today. It was about 10 PM and she call—" Me: "Yeah, yeah, life's tough all over. You've prepped your excuse for laziness, got'cha. I meant, what is the meeting about?" The group just started laughing and he kept his mouth shut for the rest of the meeting.
Sounds petty, but I felt great and everyone was thrilled that he stopped milking it for 20 minutes.
58. Whine and Dine
My stepdad was having a Christmas dinner party a few years back for his firm at his house. One of my stepdad's friends had just been talking blowhard stuff all night, especially little comments here and there about me, you could call it teasing. At first I brushed it off because he was drinking, but it got to me after a while.
Anyway, we're all eating at the table and he's sitting across from me, his date is at the end of the table, to the right of me. Everyone was talking, and somehow the conversation steered towards me about to make it a long-distance thing with my girl, because I was moving for college. So the dude starts talking up again, saying something along the lines of, "You're so young to be whipped, when I was your age I had all sorts of fun before I got old.” It was almost awkward.
Then the date gently grabs his bicep and says, "It's ok, I like my men how I like my wine," and me without skipping a beat says, "You like them extra-fruity?" The whole dinner table of like 15 of us just started laughing uproariously.
59. Those Who Can’t Do, Burn
We were in 6th grade and there was this kid who was always the troublemaker, Richie. One day while Richie was making trouble in Mr. Franklin’s class, Mr. Franklin reached his breaking point. "Richie, quit screwing around and being disruptive and just apply yourself. You are going to be 40 years old still in the 6th grade.” Richie looked him in the eye and retorted, "You're 40 and still in the 6th grade."
60. Somebody Got Time for That
My little brother has reached the age where half of his communication is done through internet memes. My mom asked him to do a chore, and he replied, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" My mom replied smoothly, "You're a 15-year-old virgin with no job, no girlfriend, and no social life. You've got time for it, bud."
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