Petty or not, sometimes there’s nothing more satisfying in life than giving a big old “NOPE.” Whether it means putting a rude customer in their place, ruining a spoiled brat’s day, or resisting your horrible boss’s latest demands, standing your ground can be a glorious moment. Here, Redditors share the best shut downs they’ve ever witnessed.
1. My, Myself, and I
I was watching a customer service manager talking to a woman about a return. He’d already told her he couldn’t do it a few times. She demanded he get his manager. He, no joke, spins a circle and says, “They said no.”
2. Thank You, Next
I was in a McDonald’s during a lunch rush. A guy walked in and literally tried to rob the place. The manager’s response made break into applause. The man told the dude he didn’t have time for this and just took the next person’s order. The place was packed and the would-be villain just left empty handed and completely ignored.
3. Have a Nice Trip
This kid was running around a restaurant at high speed, making a loop. Around and around he went, yelling and knocking items off of people’s tables. He zipped by my table one too many times…and I tripped him. He did a long sliding face-plant. Jumped back up and started crying and yelling at me. His parents grabbed him and hauled him out of there without a word.
4. If I Could, I Would
A jerk customer in a restaurant I used to work in asked for the manager. After explaining the situation, the manager realized the customer was just being rude and agreed with the employee. At which point the customer tells the manager to “Go screw herself.” The manager then proceeds to bend over in a weird way to make it seem like she’s trying to literally screw herself. Then she shrugs, says, “Can’t,” and walks away.
5. I Now Pronounce You Man and Snipe
My ex-husband, let’s call him John Smith, was hurling nasty names at me as I was packing up my stuff to leave him. For what it’s worth, I’d caught him cheating. He was calling me every horrible name he could think of. So I said, “Is that the best you can come up with? The worst thing I’VE ever been called is Mrs. Smith!” Best. Thing. Ever.
6. Excuse You
I was once in a line to get on a ski lift and just as I was about to go through the barriers, a very rude French man barged me out of the way and proceeded to sit on the lift all by himself. As he did that, he dropped one of his ski poles and turned to look at me to pick it up. I looked back at him and just shook my head. The people behind me clapped.
7. How the Other Half Gives
I was having a bad day while working at a Subway one night, this kid comes in and orders a foot-long sub. The entire time I’m trying to take his order, he mumbles, sighs, walks away, and keeps saying, “I dunno.” Just generally, he’s being a huge brat. Then when it comes time to pay, he smiles at me with this annoying little grin and says he doesn’t have enough cash on him.
He’s close, but off by about 40 cents. So I said, “No problem little buddy, let me just ring that in as a six inch.” He beams triumphantly that his short change plot worked—but he didn’t know what was coming. Before I rang it up, I snatched the sandwich back, split it in two, and handed him half the sub with his change while tossing the other half in the trash. Problem solved.
8. Not on the Menu
I was working the drive thru late at night at Burger King in the 90s. A group of punks come, make fun of me, and shout, “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!” as they leave. They park in the lot to eat. 30 minutes later, I hear a knock at the window. It’s the same punks. Their car battery ran out and they needed a jump. I shut the window on them while saying, “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!”
9. Don’t Blame Me, I’m Your Son
In a heated argument, my mom called my brother a “son of a [bleep].” He replied, “You got that right.”
10. Shouldn’t Overdue It
I work at a convenience store. One fine evening, this hooligan comes in shouting in my store and acting like a big shot. He came up to the counter with a smug grin talking about how it was his birthday and a 30 pack of Bud Light. I asked for his ID and it was a few months expired. No beer for you.
11. Mutual Friendship
Some dude in the locker room held up his hand for a high five then swiped it away at the last second and mockingly said, “Oh I bet you thought you had a friend.” Fast forward later on and we are on our way to the cafeteria. Like every couple of days, he asked me to get him something from the line because he is out of money.
Today I finally agree. We get up to the lunch lady and I get my food and begin to walk away. He goes, “Wait you were going to get me something.” I look back at him and say in a sad voice, “Oh I bet you thought you had a friend,” before turning around and walking away
12. Not My Type
A friend of mine in first-year university had never really dated any girls yet. This dumb meathead who we were kind of friends with told him one day, “When you do get a girlfriend, I’m totally going to sleep with her.” The guy absolutely slayed him. He responded, “If I had a girlfriend who would sleep with you, her cheating on me wouldn’t be the issue.”
13. Get What You Give
I was a manager for Circuit City. On my way to work, I was pulled over by an officer because my license plate light was out. He asked for my license and asked if I was still living at the same address, and I truthfully told him that I had just moved a couple of weeks ago. The jerk wrote me up for the light and my license. But he got what was coming.
Later that same day, I see a customer arguing at my work counter about returning a printer past the return policy. As I approached, I made eye contact. Yep, it was the same officer. We locked eyes and I saw his immediate regret. He knew how this was going to go down. Could I have returned the printer? Yes. Was I going to? No.
14. A Boy Only a Mother Could Love
When I was in middle school many years ago, a guy was teasing an awkward kid about not being able to get girls, being “gay,” and never being able to get laid. Another guy spoke up and said, “Dude, you ain’t had a woman since a woman had you.” The entire class and the teacher started laughing. The original guy shut the heck up.
15. Donut Mess With Me
The nurse-in charge at our emergency department has been working there for 20 years. Our hospital is in a rough area, so she’s seen it all. She has single-handedly tackled violent patients with superhuman strength. But one day, she outdid herself. This day, a disheveled guy came in to be treated for assault, to be detained after his discharge.
He was giving everyone heck all night, and he almost made his nurse cry. The nurse-in-charge called from the nurse’s station to cut that out. He called her a “miserable, old, fat witch.” The nurse-in-charge picked up a chocolate donut from the nurse’s station and without breaking eye contact, started slowly chewing it in front of him. Then she called the officers to pick him up.
16. The Winds of Change
When I was seven, I was at a crowded McDonald’s near Disneyland. I tried to squeeze through the really long line that was waiting to order food and I accidentally bumped into this woman with her two kids. She turned to me and said in her most sarcastic and accusing voice, “Well excuuuuse me.” My seven-year-old self responded with the most hilarious thing I could think of.
“Why, did you fart?” A few people in line laughed and I continued on my way. She did not look pleased to be told off by a seven-year-old. To this day, I have no idea why I said it, but I’m really glad I did.
17. The Ultimate Dad Joke
A guy I knew was using a dirty pickup line on this really hot girl. Her father overheard and told him to move on. My friend quickly said, “Sorry dude, but your daughter is freaking hot.” The girl’s dad replied: “Well, bring your mom over and I’ll make you one just like her.”
18. Time to Go
My landlord is trying to sell the house I currently live in, which sucks, but what can I do? Anyways, she tells me that there is going to be an open house from 11 to 3, so I need make the house look spotless and I’m not allowed to be in my own home for 4 hours. I do, begrudgingly. We get back at 3:02 and there are still people there.
Before I can even ask the realtor lady what’s up, she tells me that I need to leave because she’s not done yet. No sorry for running late, no asking me to bend over even further than I already have, no. She tells me I need to go. So, my response was “That really sucks…. for you.” The look she had, that a mere peasant dare refuses her was priceless.
She then repeats to me that there are still people inside so I can’t come in. That’s when I got really angry. “Are you seriously telling me that I can’t come into my own home because you are running late with your job?!” She calls my landlord and surprise, surprise, my landlord actually took my side. “Your time is up, it’s his home.”
19. No Hi, Mark
A guy from my office building is sort of “special,” and he talks to himself a lot, but not much to other people. One day, a co-worker of mine asked, “Talking you yourself again, Kenny?” and then laughed stupidly. Without skipping a beat, Kenny replied, “Better than talking to you, Mark,” and just kept walking down the hallway with no other response.
20. Animal Instinct
The only comeback I’ve ever had the pleasure of making myself was at a Walgreens. I was behind some witch in line who was generally trying to make the cashier’s job a living nightmare. She was berating the girl, insisting she’d been given the incorrect amount of change, etc. The poor girl behind the counter was just trying to be nice and get through a single bad customer.
After the woman said something about “The worst help I’ve ever had,” I just replied, “Hey, give the lady a break.” Not overtly hostile, but the customer still turned to me and sneered, “Why don’t you mind your own business?” With all the quick-thinking I could muster, I just responded “Lady, I’m a veterinarian. [W]itches are my business.”
21. Act Your Age
My first job was at a grocery store, where one day a drunk, middle-aged woman was very loudly flipping out on my boss about a minor error in her holiday seafood order. Naturally, her screams drew a crowd, and after minutes of yelling, my boss stopped being apologetic. Like, he really let her have it in front of everyone…
Lady: “You are about to learn that you do not MESS with a 54-year-old woman!” Boss: “54? What’s your daughter got to do with this?”
A “popular” girl who definitely had no interest in me once jokingly asked me out to prom in front of the whole class. I knew she was just trying to ridicule me—so I gave her a brutal taste of her own medicine. Without a moment’s hesitation, I said, “No thanks Lauren, I have standards.” The whole class and the teacher lost it.
23. A Cartful of Justice
I was trying to pull into a parking spot and waiting for a lady to put her shopping cart away and close her door so I could get in. For some reason, she leaves the cart right in the center of the spot I was clearly trying to park in. I ask, “Mam, are you really going to leave your cart there?” Her response made my blood boil.
She just gives me a snide, “See where that cart is? That’s where it’s gonna stay unless you move it!” So I got out of my car and put the cart right behind her car just as she was trying to pull out.
When I delivered pizza we had this older driver, who was probably in his 20s, who came back from a delivery pretty annoyed. A few minutes later, the store got a phone call complaining about him. When I found out what had happened, I nearly keeled over. So, turns out he had gone on a delivery where the total was $11.97.
The person at the door had handed him $12 and asked for their change. He said okay, went back to his car, and got three pennies. At the door, he looked the woman straight in the eyes, rolled the pennies between her legs into her house, and walked back to his car.
I worked for Goodwill quite a few years back as a supervisor because my mother and I had really fond memories of treasure hunting there and I wanted to try and build up some management experience with a reputable company. I thought it would be my dream gig for a while even though I knew it would be hard work. Except it was a total nightmare.
The manager was an all-right lady, but her assistant manager was a tyrant. Every day, she would threaten to fire the employees if they didn’t do their work right. I took offense to this because as a supervisor, I wanted my team to be in good spirits and wanted them to love coming in to work and doing good things for the mission.
Yet because every single day they were being told they could be fired, morale was rock bottom. People were afraid for their jobs every day. It got so bad, I had a meeting with the manager and I said, “I don’t want to step on any toes, but I would appreciate it if you could ask the assistant manager to tone down the firing threats.”
She said she understood and I felt good about the conversation. The next day, she called me into her office where her and the assistant manager were both waiting for me. They asked me to lock the door. As soon as I did, I got the most hate-filled verbal lashing of my entire life. I truly wasn’t prepared for what they said.
“You think you can turn us against each other? You are worthless. You just do your freaking job and don’t tell us how to do ours. Who do you think you are??” This went on for about 20 minutes. I’m a grown man and I nearly started bawling right then and there. Finally, I told them to take this terrible job and shove it. Well, they got their comeuppance.
I was the only supervisor they had on a team that required at least two. The manager and assistant manager were already working 60-hour weeks to make things work on a skeleton crew, and when I quit they were going to be working 80 hours each with no weekends until they had at least a month to find someone else. I wasn’t really concerned about it at that point.
26. Good Riddance
An abusive ex told me that he would leave me if I didn’t lose ten pounds in the two weeks before his friend’s wedding. He was blown away when I said “okay” and walked away.
27. How About No?
I was in a wedding party and there was a brief lull in between scheduled parts and we were all just milling around waiting. The maid of honor, known for being obnoxiously bossy, starts barking out orders to every single person. As soon as she’s finished, the wedding planner who was standing behind her chimes in with ‘”Nobody do any of that” and then told us to sit tight. It was great.
28. This Comeback Gets an A
During my university days, I ran into an acquaintance of mine as I was holding a Green Lantern graphic novel. This acquaintance was with his girlfriend, and when he introduced me to her, THE FIRST THING she says to me while shaking my hand was, “Aren’t comic books for kids?” My instant response shocked even me.
I replied “Aren’t those A-cups for kids?” Honestly, I was so flabbergasted that someone I had just met would say that to me that I replied on instinct. Still my greatest comeback ever.
29. Sold out of Love
Wife was pilfering money from the marriage, to the tune of about $1,000 per month. It had gone on for a few years before I figured it out. (I thought she was saving the money, she was really stashing it in her dad’s accounts.) Not satisfied to simply stash away her own salary, she began to buy stuff on the joint charge card, then sell it on eBay.
I paid the card. I started the divorce without telling her. During this time, I took my name off the joint card without telling her and began using my own credit card. When the bills came in for that month, I informed her that I would not pay the credit card bills anymore, that she had her own job and her own money and she could pay her own bills.
30. For Better or for Worse
My mom and her sister never really had a great relationship, but one thing really stands out. My aunt cycled through boyfriends pretty quickly. She was one of those people who, after spending a couple of weeks with someone, was convinced they’d be together for the rest of their lives—only to feel the same about someone else a couple of months later.
At 26, she’d already been divorced once after a rushed marriage and was engaged again to a guy she’d known for less than half a year and had only been dating for three months. Other people in the family were trying to find subtle, tactful ways to hint to her that they thought she was moving too fast and he wasn’t a great match for her, but my mom ran out of tact a while ago.
A family dinner went down like this: Aunt (to mom): “The bridesmaids are wearing purple, so your dress needs to…” Mom: “Oh, I’m not going.” Aunt: “WHAT?!” Mom: “I’m busy that day. Don’t worry, I’ll come to your next wedding instead.” They didn’t talk again until after the next divorce. Mom did indeed go to her next wedding instead.
31. Class Is in Session
When I was about 16, I suggested to my history class that we all take our chairs and move them to other side of the desks and face the back of the class as a joke. We did so, and our teacher walked in and just looked at us, grabbed his books from his desk, moved to the back of the class, and started the lesson. No one said a word about the change and he acted like he didn’t even notice. He was amazing.
32. The Way of a Woman
I was on a cruise vacation with my husband and some in-laws. There was a gem salesman on the cruise who was excessively persistent. He would get off at ports and try to convince people to buy his jewelry at whatever local store. Well, we wandered into one of these stores, and this guy recognized us and went into full-salesman mode.
He’s chatting up the men of our group and ignoring my mother-in-law and me. I noticed all the women employees in the store watching the conversation, and we could all detect the chauvinism. Finally, salesman dude looks at me and says “So honey, let me guess…you’re a nurse?” in a dismissive way. I took the perfect opportunity to shut him down.
So, I answered frankly, yet politely, “No, actually I’m an aerospace engineer.” That threw him off his game. It was like all the women in that room and I exchanged invisible high fives at that moment.
33. An Inventive Shut-Down
A customer of mine asked me a question. I answered the question, and it wasn’t the answer they wanted. They suggested something impossible for the machine process. I explained why it wouldn’t work and again explained the proper way to do it. They then replied, “What makes you the expert?” all snarky and indignant.
To which I replied, “Take a look at Patent Number #xxxxxxxx. It lists me as the inventor.”
34. Cheaters Never Prosper
I knew my ex wife was cheating but didn’t tell her that I knew. Took her out for a dinner date and I casually asked questions about who she had been spending time with while I was at sea, she barely worked so she had to spend her time doing something. She failed to mention the guy that had been staying at my house for nearly two months.
This was the same guy she had to call the authorities on just to get to leave because I was coming home in two days…soooo I slid her a copy of the precinct report that was filed for the incident and watched as she crumbled over the fact she had been caught, and I didn’t have to say a word.
35. I Have the Receipts
I was once in a meeting with the very arrogant boss of our department and the other company executives. While I was there, there was a question about a major mistake that cost the company a product recall. Our boss laid the blame on our department from before he worked with us, saying we had modified a piece of equipment incorrectly.
One of my co-workers, a very humble man, quietly said to nobody in particular: “I have pictures in my notes.” Meaning: “I am throwing the boss under the bus in front of every one of his superiors in the company.” He hadn’t planned this, he just happened to be incredibly meticulous in taking notes and pictures and documented absolutely everything.
He proceeded to lay out the facts—that we were not culpable—with complete disregard for retribution from our very vengeful boss. It was quite glorious to see someone so haughty and pious get brought down so beautifully by a low-level engineer and his meticulous note and picture taking. Never seen anything quite like it.
36. Shop Till You Drop
While I was out shopping with a friend, there was this little brat running around in the store. His mom was nowhere to be found, and he was just running wild and knocking over stacks of shirts, screaming at the top of his lungs, just acting like a complete and total brat. This went on for at least 5 excruciating minutes, all during the time we’re in the line to pay for our items.
Then, we see him running full speed towards us. My friend has had it with this little jerk, so she came up with an ingenious plan. The moment he hit us, she turns around with her newly purchased items and whacks the bag straight into him. The kid immediately starts screaming and crying. We hightailed it out of there, but I have no remorse whatsoever. Honestly, it felt great.
37. Friends in Higher Places
My boss’ girlfriend works in the company. One time she was in my section just complaining about something to my manager, who was silently working. Getting no answer, she asks him: “Are you ignoring me?” To which he promptly replies: “Yes, I am.”
38. A Boneheaded Play
I sat in on a personal injury case where the plaintiff broke their leg in an accident and had a doctor on the stand as an expert. The woman’s lawyer begins questioning the doctor about his experience with leg injuries (he was a well known orthopedic surgeon in the area). She asks if he’s ever treated a tibula fracture.
He simply answers “no.” So, she starts grilling him with questions about the tibula. After about six or seven questions, she asks “How did you get a medical license if you’ve never treated a tibula fracture?” She launches into a huge rant trying to discredit his credentials. He only had to speak seven words to completely shut her down.
He simply responded: “There is no bone called the tibula.” The lawyer became beet red and everyone in the room tried their best to keep from laughing, including the judge.
39. Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
My former friend was 12 years my senior and she was super into herself, just really vain. The weirdest part was, she was OK, but I doubt anyone was losing sleep over her. For one, she dressed waaaaaay too young, trying to hold on to her youth. One day, she pointed out that I was overweight and dumpy-looking next to her.
I’d finally had enough, since she made these comments often, and I said, “Well what about you?” “Excuse me?!” she snapped, “I have the body of a 22-year-old!” I couldn’t help it. I had to smash her. “Well give it back,” I replied, “You’re stretching it out.”
40. Bus Boy Uprising
We just turned 16, so a friend and I got a job bussing tables. It was awful. We got yelled at by the waitresses, the dish washers were never happy with the way we stacked dishes, and no one in the back even acknowledged us. But the worst was this manager who was just downright mean, yelling and belittling us at every opportunity.
I was a pretty conscientious worker and I tried very hard, but we both finally had enough. We marched in the day before we were scheduled for a really busy weekend and told the mean manager we’re quitting. She asked us when our last day was, and my friend and I looked at each other, smiled, and said, “Today.” So satisfying.
41. Do as You’re Told
In ninth grade, one of my teachers said, “If you don’t want to learn, then get up and leave” to the whole class. Well, this kid actually gets up and leaves the classroom. It took a few minutes for the teacher to notice while we all quietly laughed. When she did notice, she sent someone to get the kid, which took about 10 more minutes.
When they do get back, the guy is super chill. The teacher is so in shock that she can barely scold him. Kid just shrugs and goes, “You said we could leave.” He then proceeds to sit back down and act like nothing happened. He just didn’t care at all about what the teacher was telling him afterwards. Or apparently before.
42. Over It and Her
It was Friday evening and I had plans to meet a friend at a pub. Said pub was owned by another friend of mine and was quite popular in the area. I had been divorced for about a month by this point and I was single and ready to mingle. When I walked into the bar, I saw a horrific sight. I immediately noticed my ex-wife sitting there.
I decided that I would leave her be. She was with another guy, so I presume she was on a date. Honestly, it was good she was dating someone else, because it means she’d have her mind on him and not me. I sat down with my buddy, and about five minutes into me being there, my ex-wife came over and started making a scene.
I knew what was coming. She started berating me. I was just snipping on my beer as she was going off on me very loudly, with everyone in the whole bar watching us. After she finished, she said “Aren’t you going say anything?” I looked at the bar owner, and he said “Want me to kick her out?” I said “Please” and he had two staff members escort her to the door.
43. Cute and Comfy
My aunt disapproved of her nephew’s upcoming wedding, and vocalized this numerous times, since they were only getting married because the girl was pregnant. So my aunt ended up going to the wedding wearing pajamas. They got divorced like six months later.
44. After Me the Flood, Betches
I was in Paris with a couple of friends on the subway. I did not speak any French, only a little Spanish, but my friend was practically fluent. We were talking and joking in English, and these two French women were apparently talking smack about us in French, mostly about us being gross and dumb Americans, all that.
So as we left the subway, my friend smiled and told them in perfect French: “We’re going to go get cleaned up, too bad there’s no shower for your personality!”
45. Written off
I dated a girl in high school and was totally wrecked when she broke up with me. A few years later, we started talking a lot again and hanging out, then ended up kissing one night. I wasn’t over her at all, and I went on Facebook to creep her and check my chances. I wish I hadn’t—I saw something that made my stomach drop.
She’s dating another guy. Then I see her a little later and she hands me a letter. I knew exactly what it would say and that she knew what she did was terrible. I was completely done at that point, so it didn’t really matter to me. I drove around for five minutes, then came back and handed her the letter, unopened.
She was like, “did you read the letter?” I told her, “no,” and that if she had anything that she really felt like I needed to know, she could just tell me. She didn’t. We haven’t talked since.
46. When Your Choice in Music Is Too Cool
I was at a party filled with people in boring jobs, myself included. People in those parties had this tendency to showcase how insanely cool their life was. This one guy decided to have an argument with me and started telling me that my taste in music sucks and that I should start listening to some of the non-mainstream stuff.
When I asked him to name a few artists, he mentioned a few names. I told him to look up the guitar player for one of those bands he mentioned. When he did, he was shocked. That guitar player was me.
47. Eat Your Words
A while ago I decided to treat myself to some Burger King. I was having a bad day and had a headache coming on. So I was waiting in line at the BK, when suddenly this woman comes in with a monster of a child. He was out of control, screaming, punching his mother, throwing things around. The mother didn’t pay any attention to him and he continued yelling, “I want a PIE.”
My headache turned into a full-blown migraine. I calmly turned and asked if she could please calm her child down. Immediately she got up in my face, telling me to mind my own business. I nodded and turned around, when the child cried out again how he wants a pie. I then decided to ruin their day in the most devious way I could think of.
When I got to the front of the line I asked the person at the register how many apple pies they have left. They told me and I bought all of them. I ate one and made sure the kid saw me throw the rest in the trash.
48. Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say
I was in an accident a few years ago. The guy who hit me got a ticket for an unsafe left turn, and I got a ticket because I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt. In the section on the ticket, the cop inadvertently wrote “Did wear seatbelt while operating the motor vehicle” instead of “did not.” When I got to court, the judge asked how I wanted to plead.
I asked the judge if I could clarify something first, and he said “Sure”. I stated that “The ticket says I did wear my seatbelt while operating my motor vehicle. If that’s the case, I want to plead guilty.” The judge looks down at the ticket, looks back at me, and says “Case dismissed! Have a good day!”
49. Wash This Guy Away
I used to work in an air traffic control tower. We would fairly often have new pilots visit and see what happens from the air traffic control side of things. I was on a break when a particular pilot was visiting, and I was the only female air traffic controller. The visiting pilot finishes his cup of coffee, hands me his mug and says, “Wash that would you, love.”
By the time he’d returned to his aircraft, my break was over. He, unfortunately, found himself at the back of a rather long departure queue. I wanted him to have some time listening to the frequency and absorbing the fact that if a woman is in a professional environment, she’s probably not the freaking tea lady.
50. Foul Flowergirl
I went to a wedding a few years ago, and one of the bride’s younger female cousins was beyond obnoxious. Her mother was even worse, which is why I imagine the little girl was this way. Over the course of the afternoon, I heard her say such gems as, “I would NEVER shop at Walmart. All MY clothes are name brand.” She was a complete nightmare.
This was said to a seven-year-old girl in a very cute dress, which she proudly proclaimed her mother bought her at Walmart on sale. Later, while eating cake, the little brat said something way worse. She took some of the 7-year-old’s dessert, stating that “It’s for your own good, you’re too chubby.” The one that really got to me, though, was when she started boasting that she was going to catch the bouquet.
Every adult in the place was severely annoyed by her at this point, and I made it my mission to catch that god darned bouquet. When it came time for the tossing, I centered myself and gave a wink to my friend, the bride. She threw it right at me, and the little 12-year-old lunged for it. I elbowed that brat right in the face, and caught the flowers. Not even a little remorse.
56. Mind Games
My old boss tried firing me because I was better than them at their job. I tricked them into saying it out loud, in front of the CEO. Let’s just say they don’t need to worry about me being better than them anymore.
57. Technical Difficulties
I had a manager who pulled the entire department into a meeting. This manager was well-known for being “underqualified” for his position and usually had absolutely no idea what the heck he was talking about, which was hilarious. Meeting starts up, and he said our group would be a part of a livestream effort with several other departments in the company.
I would love to give you more details, but the hour-long meeting was composed of this manager desperately trying to get the livestream to work and refusing to ask for any help. Occasionally, he would stop and talk nonsense—like literally, “So how’s work been going? Chat amongst yourselves…”—then he’d get right back at it.
One of our senior staff members, who is usually very quiet, got up out of his seat after 40 minutes and said, “Darn man, this is embarrassing.” He then left. It was perfect.
My dad divorced his first wife and promptly took his name off of all the credit cards. She proceeded to buy all kinds of stuff, thinking she’d stick him with the bill. She was not happy to hear she was the only one on the account.
59. No, YOU’RE Dismissed
I was once getting fired from a really bad job by a really bad boss. I knew he was going to fire me after I finished the project because the moron actually hinted at it in a conversation with his superior when he thought I couldn’t hear. So he calls me into a room, and as he was about to start his monologue, my phone rang.
I excused myself without waiting for an answer and left the room to answer the call. It was a company I had previously had an interview with offering me the position. I accepted, got back in the office, and dealt him the most satisfying blow. When I entered the room, I could see he was almost foaming. He was really expecting to destroy my soul by dismissing me from the job.
So we go in the room again and when he opens his mouth, I just stop him and say, “I know what you’re doing, could we make it quick? I have a really important meeting and I don’t want to be late.” He just threw the paper at me and left.
60. You Won’t Be Missed
I’m a librarian. A patron was mad about her fines and yelled, “And I’m never coming back!” as she left. I just yelled back, “We’re a non-profit!”
61. Karma Comes for us All
I had an awful group project teammate in college. Didn’t do any work, didn’t care, basically flaunted his laziness in front of us. But karma got him soon after. He applied for the company I worked for about a year after college. My bosses asked if I knew him and I took so much glee in saying: “Yes, and do NOT hire him.” It was the ultimate peer review revenge.
62. In Spirit and in Truth
I was engaged to a girl with two kids from a previous marriage. For the four years we were together, I had helped support and raise them, while loving and providing for her mom. They began calling me Dad after the first year, as their bio-father was long since gone. Then she betrayed me in the worst way possible.
She started cheating on me with a guy she met at a friend’s birthday party and she kicked me out when I found out. My protests that on top of me not deserving all this, it was disrupting and hard on my boys were met with the statement, “you’re not now, and never have been they’re real father.”
Fast forward two months, and she’d missed a LOT of work due to long, drunken escapades with her new boy toy. Her boss finally had enough and told her if she didn’t get to her job in 20 minutes, he’d fire her. She calls me up, playing every pity card she knew, even promising reconciliation if I would watch the boys for her that day. Because the three of them “needed” me. I told her “Why? I’m not now, nor have I ever been their father,” and hung up on her. It was very satisfying.
63. A Serious Case of Eating Your Words
On the first day of a two-week vacation, I saw my spoiled 10-year-old cousin tell his mother, his aunt, and his grandmother that he wasn’t going to do the dishes because “that’s women’s work.” For the rest of that two-week vacation, nobody had to lift a finger to clear a plate, rinse a dish or wash a pot because it was his job.
64. Academic Dishonesty
Wasn’t me, but a professor caught a student plagiarizing an essay… as she [the student] was reading it aloud to the class. “That’s an excellent essay by my friend, Dr._____ you’re reading. Please keep reading it until the end.” He made her stand in front of us and kept going until “her presentation” was over. It was amazing and horrible all at the same time.
65. That Was Slick
A woman complained about her cocktail, saying she couldn’t taste the alcohol and asked if we could make it stronger. It was already a double, but we added a splash. She was obviously drunk and angling to get more drunk as cheap as possible. So I took her cocktail, apologized that it wasn’t to her liking, and said I’d take it off her bill, effectively cutting her off for the night.
66. A Little Humble Pie
Back when I was a waitress, I worked at this BBQ joint that had really narrow, awkwardly arranged tables so I always had to lean a bit over to serve the food. Anyhow, there was this table with a really obnoxious 4-year-old who kept grabbing at everything: My hands, my clothes, the tray I was serving from. He even untied my apron and my pens and cash flew everywhere. This went all through the whole meal.
Meanwhile, the parents didn’t do a thing about it. In fact, the dad said it served me right for taking a job in food service. Total jerks, all of them, and I knew I wasn’t getting a decent tip. So towards the end of their meal, they order dessert—peanut butter silk pie, which is ooey-gooey sticky pie heaven. I knew just what to do.
I make sure to cover it in an extra mound of whipped cream and balance it precariously on the side of my tray, counter-balanced with a couple of soda refills for the parents. Sure enough, when I got to the table, the little jerk made a grab for the tray and everything conveniently capsized all over him and his parents.
They were covered in diet coke, whipped cream, and the stickiest peanut putter pie you can imagine. I looked appropriately shocked and then said “I am SO sorry. Guess that’s what happens when you have kids.” Even managed to make it back to the kitchen before I cracked up, along with most of our staff. Serves them right.
67. Outta the Ring
I went to a jewelry store to pick up something I had on layaway to discover a girl I dated for a couple months back in high school was behind the counter. Several times since we stopped dating, she had asked me if I would consider another date. I really didn’t want to go through the same song and dance again.
But I didn’t have a whole lot of time and I didn’t see another cashier so I went up to her anyway. I made my final payment and got my item and just as we were wrapping things up, she, once again, asked me if I’d go out with her again. I held up my bag and said, “you just sold me an engagement ring.” The look on her face was absolutely priceless.
68. Retail Therapy
I was standing in line in a shop. I had to return quite a big amount of clothes we had used for a photo shoot for my job, and since we often had a deal with this company, the cashier lady knew me. I was waiting when an old lady cut the line and blatantly got in front of me when it was my turn. Well, no one was having any of that.
The cashier politely asked the lady to step back, since it was my turn. I then put my pile of clothes on the counter, thinking everything was over. “Return, please,” I say. The cashier smiled “Of course!”…and took all the time in the world. She smiled at me and the old lady lost it, yelling, “I only had one item. This wouldn’t have taken long, and now I’m here wasting my time!”
So then the cashier went on and “accidentally” made a mistake, so she had to start over, all while smiling at me, and me smiling back since it was hilarious. I told the lady if she had asked nicely, it wouldn’t have been a problem to cut the line. She completely freaks out, starts yelling again and complaining about “the ungrateful youths.”
When I was done and it was the old lady’s turn, the cashier dealt the final blow. She said she really has to pee, left, and never came back. I love that girl.
69. Let’s Make a Deal
Some Karen was beefing about a 25¢ off coupon. The coupon was for a 42-ounce bottle of something, but she wanted a 28-ounce bottle. The coupon was rejected when scanned, because duh, there was no product to match it. There was nothing the cashier could do, but Karen just kept demanding 25¢ off.
Finally, the guy ahead of me in line marched up to the counter, slapped a quarter down, and said, “There’s your friggin’ 25¢ off, now pay your stupid bill so the rest of us can go on with our days!”
70. Self-Burn, Those Are Rare
I worked part-time at a thrift store. I got cursed out by a customer yelling, “Why don’t you get a REAL job?!” I replied with, “Why don’t you go yell at a real store?” in the most tired, deadpan voice. This happened a few times.
71. Give a Little, Get a Little
I was working in a toxic environment. I would never say no because I enjoyed the challenge. However, when I pointed out my value and received a paltry increase, I decided to leave. I got a job offer that would basically double my salary and delivered my resignation letter. That’s when everything went nuts.
A group of my bosses took me out to lunch as a sort of intervention and basically did what they did best – delivered the hard sell. I’m integral to the business, they’ll open up a career advancement path for me if I’ll just hang in there, yada yada yada. Then they made their counter-offer knowing full well how much my offer was for, and low-balled me like I couldn’t do simple math.
I got pulled aside by just about every single higher-up over the next two weeks, and they all progressively sweetened the pot. I stood firm, and it was absolutely the easiest rejection of my life. I actually left that job with a sense of survivor’s guilt about the people I left behind.
72. Falling out
My ex-husband and I were going through a divorce. It should have been cut and dry, but he kept changing his mind and asking me to come back As soon as I accepted our break-up, he would change his mind and break my heart again. Well, I decided one day to use my gift certificate my family got me to go skydiving. I’d had it for 8 months.
I didn’t use it while married because he said that if I went and had an accident that he would not go to my funeral. Since we were divorcing, I thought it was a great way to celebrate being free. That feeling of free falling was exhilarating and empowering. He decided to show up and ask me on a date that day. I said no.
73. The Costco Elite Strike Again
At Costco, this older gentleman was screaming at my boss because apparently all the handicap parking spots were occupied. My boss asks for his information so he can write a complaint. My boss began by asking: “Are you a member?” The customer told him no. My boss says: “Well, that it’s then.” He put the little form in the garbage can and walked away.
74. Flying Too Close to the Sun
While teaching in Japan, one kid was just a little devil. He had no respect for me or the other students. I spoke with my office about this several times, because I felt he was a danger to the other students, but I was told it’s Japanese culture to let their kids go wild during childhood because they would soon be under enormous stress once they hit junior high.
Well, this little brat was being particularly annoying one day, and actually shoves a little girl, who just falls face first to the floor and smashes her forehead against the ground. These students are only about four to five years old. When I saw what he’d done, I checked on the girl and saw she had a massive welt, at least the size of a golf ball, if not bigger, swelling up on her forehead.
I call my office to report the incident, while restraining the kid, who proceeds to dig his nails into my arm, which actually draws blood. All they say is try your best for the rest of the lesson and we can try to let the mom of the girl know what’s happened. I knew I had to do something. Long story short, we end up drawing pictures at the end of class, and he decides to make a paper air plane instead.
He started to throw it around and was laughing and having a great time. This is when I ruined his day in the best way possible. I snatched it from him and crumpled the paper right there as he looked at me, then I threw it in the trash. The kid loses his mind and just cries uncontrollably for the last few minutes of class. No regrets.
75. Getting Covered
I hope I speak for many when I relay the utter satisfaction of refusing to cover a shift for someone who makes your life at work HORRIBLE and has unfortunately landed themselves into a hungover pickle on a Sunday morning. It doesn’t get better than telling that awful person that I have an important commitment and then rolling over in my sweet, sweet bed.
76. Don’t Meet Your Heroes
I worked at a Toys R Us twice doing seasonal work around the big holidays, like Christmas and such. Anyway, you have to find ways to amuse yourself and keep from going totally insane with all the bratty kids and exasperated parents. So I did one pretty awful thing that I nonetheless have absolutely no remorse for.
I was scheduled to work the first shift on Black Friday, and they made me wear the Geoffrey the Giraffe costume. First rule is, don’t talk. Dance, pose for photos, and keep your mouth shut. Basically, don’t ruin it for the kids. But this particularly bratty kid kept punching me “down there” while I was posing with him for the photo. I was in the suit, but it still hurt. Wouldn’t cut it out, so after the photo was taken, I got my revenge.
I knelt down, got my giraffe head at his eye level, and whispered, “Your parents told me not to say anything, but you were adopted.” That little punk started wailing so loud, crying his eyes out. Best part was, the parents complained, but since I was in costume and they had just hired a bunch of new people, they had no idea who had done it.
77. The Sass Award Goes to…
I was training a new bartender at this fairly upmarket restaurant/nightclub. She’d previously worked at a dive bar for students. Second night into her training the two-foot-long rubber shots mat with the Red Bull logo on it disappeared off the top of the bar. My trainee went around the other side of the bar to look for it, thinking it had fallen off.
Next thing I know, she’s pulled it out of the back of a dude’s pants and slapped it back on the bar. She then grabbed him by the upper arm, spun him around so that he was bent over the bar, and spanked him on his bum, I mean really walloped him while telling him off loudly. She then returned to the bar and washed her hands to “Get the stupid off of her”.
78. One Last Chug
I worked as a chef, and the head chef was a real jerk. The dude was on substances most of the time. When he wasn’t, he was drunk. So, one day the owner had enough after another “incident” with the waiting staff. He just came into the kitchen, yelled at the head chef, and told him to go home and never come back.
So, the head chef just started removing his work clothes right there and then. He grabbed a bottle of wine standing by the oven, opened it, and walked out the kitchen door into the actual dining area—then came the piece de resistance. He stopped to chug the entire wine bottle in front of the guests, carefully placed it on a table, and walked out.
79. No Coming Back
My ex showed up at my apartment after dumping me out of the blue. I had moved closer to her to go to school, and she either found someone else in the weeks leading up, or was getting me out of the way to facilitate something. After finally getting a hold of her, I went over to her place, got the books I loaned her, and left.
Skip forward two weeks, I’ve met some people in my apartment, classes are going, and I’m in a good mood. Her birthday was on a Saturday, and before we split, I knew she was throwing a big party. Imagine my surprise when I hear a knock on my door at 11 PM. Thinking it’s my neighbor, I open without checking, and I can’t believe who’s there.
It turns out some Rico Suave-esque dude had been hitting on her during the summer, and once I was out of the picture, she saw how sleazy he really was. I never got the whole story, but something about jumping around to her friends after he planted his flag. She was crying because apparently he’d shown up at her party with another girl, prompting her to come find me for some good old-fashioned sympathy.
I listened to all this with a calm demeanor, and upon her finishing, asked what she expected me to do. She asked if she could come in, and I looked her in the eye and simply said, “nope.” The typical weepy “Why don’t you love me?” ensued, which I cut short, by stepping inside and closing the door behind me.
80. Rated R for Wrecked
Back when I worked at a movie theater, one of my fellow assistant managers, Jack, didn’t care about anything. One time this lady wanted a refund for a movie she’d finished watching. She was going crazy, screaming at us about how the movie was too inappropriate to be rated PG-13 and she couldn’t stand all the swearing in the movie.
I kept calmly trying to explain to her that since the movie was already over we couldn’t give her a refund. She’s not hearing it, and looks to Jack. He starts saying the same thing I did, and she interrupts him again. Jack rolls his eyes and just says, “Well, that’s just too [bleeping] bad,” and walks off. Cue stunned look on everyone’s faces.
81. Sold out
Right out of college I ended up working for Verizon. It was all commission but I’m from a family of sales-persons so even in a miserable two weeks, I’d average $1000 a week and on good weeks, I’d hit twice that. I hated the job and felt dirty about doing it, since I certainly wasn’t helping anyone. There was also the long commute and horrible “Team Motivation” meetings.
Either way, my boss knew I was good and called me into his office one day. He gave me this speech like “You’re a really good salesman and you train new employees well, but I can tell your energy just isn’t here with us.” Then he paused and said, “don’t you want to see yourself where I am in a few years?”
This was really a life changing moment for me. “No. I’m sorry Gary, but No, I don’t want that. At all. I’m going to call this my two weeks’ notice and go get a job at a hospital or something. You’re right, I am totally not into this.” I ended up going back to school. I’m now working as an ICU nurse while getting my doctorate.
82. GTA Therapy
I work for the Geek Squad. Another agent was really upset one day and had a rough patch of a few clients who were really mean and extremely rude to him. After bearing through them and a 10-minute break, he helped another client. Their first words were, “All right, Best Buy gave me a terrible product that broke after six months and I want you to fix it right now.”
He explained that there’s a process and he couldn’t fix it right now, and the guy cut him off and said, “I don’t care, get it done.” Well, he sat there for a second, quiet, took off his badge, slapped it on the table, and yelled, “Screw you,” then started walking towards the front door with his middle fingers pointing up at everyone.
83. You’ve Got Mail
I worked at an awful private “school” with terrible management, and an even worse boss. I had been planning to take a summer vacation back home with my wife and kid for, oh, about 6 months. I’d gotten my direct supervisor’s approval. I’d gotten a second supervisor’s approval. All of this over email, and all directly CC’ed to the boss. Airlines were booked, stays planned.
A week and a half before takeoff, I get the worst email I could imagine. It’s from the horrible boss saying that my request was “unreasonable” and saying I needed to rearrange/drastically shorten my trip. Fortunately, I had been hating it there for about 9 months at that point – it was, again, an absolute nightmare workplace – and had been interviewing at real schools for some time, and had just landed a new position.
It was extremely satisfying to link him every email approval of the vacation over the past 6 months to multiple supervisors, point out that he’d been CC’ed every single one of them, and tell him that not only was I not going to change my travel plans, but he could consider this correspondence my notice of resignation.
84. Shut It or Lose It
Imagine this: a summer camp for special needs kids. A counselor leading a child away by the arm. The counselor is saying: “I’m very disappointed in you, Ellie.” Ellie replies: “Shut the fudge up and lose weight, Susan.”
85. Not His First Rodeo
I was at the gym recently and overheard a guy talking on the phone to someone who I presume was his wife. The conversation went something like this: “I just need another 10 or 15 minutes to finish up…just another 10 or 15 minutes…just another…okay fine, I’m leaving now.” He then hung up and spent the next 10 to 15 minutes finishing up his routine.
86. No Tow for You
My boyfriend has a big GMC, and one winter it was really snowy and a bunch of cars had gone into the ditch, as you do. Because he’s a nice guy, he was spending his day off pulling people out for free. At one point, while he was helping someone, some jerk FLEW by him, wailing on the horn and flipping him off out of the window.
He got done pulling the car out and headed up the road in the direction that idiot had gone. That’s when he witnessed an incredible sight. A mile up the road, they found the jerk standing outside of his car, which was now plowed into a giant freaking tree. Boyfriend honked his horn, waved, and kept driving. Dude just hung his head like a scolded dog. Truly beautiful.
87. The Hero We Need
I was in line at a coffee shop and the lady was complaining that they didn’t have organic milk. Without a word or hesitation, the guy behind the counter just said, “Next, please,” and didn’t even take her order.
88. Child, Meet Childish
I had an inland flight about three years ago. This kid in the row behind me, probably six to eight years old, started to kick my seat after takeoff. It was not a long flight, about 1.5 hours. But I hate this kinda junk. So, I turned around and sure enough, that prick was kicking my seat, while his mom and dad were sitting on either side of him pretending to not notice.
First, I kindly asked the dad if he could make him stop, and he somewhat tried to convince his kid to stop. The kid sulked but seemed to get the memo…at least for a minute. He then proceeded to kick my seat again. Once again, I turned around, and this time, dropped the pleasantries. I told them that this was a golden opportunity to teach their kid some manners.
As this is Norway, and some people are starting to feel more entitled than others, this didn’t go that well. Mom started to yell at me, saying he’s just a kid and needs to express himself. It is at this moment the flight attendant arrives, and I try to explain the situation, while this kid’s terrible mom and dad try to override my complaint by saying I’m the one who is making a scene.
The flight attendant, not wanting any trouble as we are miles above ground, tries to explain that kicking the seat can be annoying and that we should all just get along. The flight attendant leaves and the kicking commences. So I came up with a plan for revenge. I picked up my stuff, walked to the row behind the annoying family..
I then asked the woman behind the kid if she would like to move to my window seat, so I could take her middle seat. She smiled and nodded. I sat down behind the kid and proceeded to kick the back of his seat for the remaining 40 minutes that was left of the flight.
89. Silence Speaks Volumes
In high school bio, we had to get in groups and create a Bill Nye style informative video. My group was done recording and I just had to do the editing with all the transitions, effects, titles, etc. And anyone who has ever done any type of movie or trailer knows that post-production is twice the time and effort as shooting.
There I am just finished and submitted onto YouTube and this guy who’s been calling me names all year comes up to me and asks, “hey man can you do my video editing because I don’t how to do it?” I told him no and then he proceeded to offer me $5 for a week’s worth of headaches and work. I just walked off with saying anything. A satisfying silence ensued.
90. Blind Leaving the Blind
When I started at my job, they threw me in with no training. I did a lot of work outside my paid hours to bring my area up to snuff and get things done. I was rewarded with inheriting more old projects that everyone else couldn’t be bothered to do. Over time, my boss became very reliant on me and would give me a hard time about taking any days off.
We would always have a meeting before or after I had a scheduled day off to shame me publicly for doing so because no one else could possibly do my job. I begged my boss and other coworkers to do training with me to solve the problem. They all refused. Over several years, I maybe got one or two to sit down but they obviously didn’t care and had no intention of learning.
When I put in my two-weeks notice, my boss actually decided she’d rather hire a personal assistant for herself instead of filling my position and redistribute my jobs between existing employees. Except she and the other employees still didn’t take the time to train. Instead, my boss had an infuriating request.
She wanted me to write a manual on how to do everyone’s jobs including my own with illustrations, plus wrap up all my own work within those 2 weeks. I told her no. I’ve done it 3 times already in the past for them and no one ever bothered to consult it. She then asked for all my contact information and told me she would have the office call and email me so I can walk them through everything or do it myself remotely from home after I’ve officially quit.
I stared at her good and hard before she finally added, “That’s ok with you, isn’t it?” And I flatly told her, “no.” She did a cartoon style double-take and was completely baffled why I wasn’t voluntarily working for them without pay after they refused to train or rehire. Even after I did say no, I did still receive a few personal emails and calls from one of my coworkers asking for help. I said “no” every single time.
I was targeted to be fired from work. It had nothing to do with my performance, and everything to do with my manager who took a disliking to me. I walked the line of perfection for about a month until I found another job, then I handed in my two weeks’ notice. That was victory number one. But I had even more wins up my sleeve.
I then took about a half-dozen of their employees and got them hired into my new company. That was victory number two. I’d like to think that victory number three was the 30 or 40 employees they lost in the following year, but I can’t claim direct responsibility for that. Thing is, when you have employees with high-demand skills like software engineering, you’d best treat them right.
92. Losing Face
During the last couple years of high school, there was always this guy, we’ll call him Daniel who thought he was the alpha male who could get any girl he wanted. He pretty much went out with every single “popular girl” in the school, and I guess he started to realize he was running out of options on deciding which girl to hurt next.
Everyone knew he was a jerk and they loved hearing juicy stories of how his former girlfriends broke up with him. Daniel knew about all the talk going on behind his back, so he tried to camouflage himself with the other “cliques” of people. That’s when he started talking to me. He thought I was an easy target. He was so, so wrong.
The next day after Daniel tried to convince me he changed, I overheard him talking to an old friend of his about his plan to lure me in just so he could make one of his exes jealous. I got heated, and knew I had to be the one to finally say something to him. As the bell rang indicating that is was time for lunch, I met up with Daniel in the center of the cafeteria.
The moment he was about to ask me out, I made sure everyone he’d hurt was watching, and told him he could go to heck because all he wanted was someone to make him feel more secure. I told him he was the biggest jerk and everyone in that school knew, and he should be ashamed of himself for hurting all those poor girls.
His face turned redder than any tomato I’ve seen and he bolted for the door. We didn’t catch wind of him for about a week or so, and when we finally heard what had happened after the incident, the only thing we knew was that he switched to another school to probably put all that embarrassment behind him. Served him right.
93. No Waiting Around
For over 8 years, I was off and on with the same guy. And like an idiot, anytime he’d beckon me back, I’d come crawling. Didn’t matter who I was with, what was going on in my life, I’d drop anything to try and make this relationship work. After we broke up yet again, two years go by, I find myself in a new relationship, where I finally found out what a good relationship actually feels like.
My ex calls. He found out he was going to be a dad, but things had ended between him and the mom. He was finally getting his baby and ready to settle down with me. I finally had the strength to tell him no way, no how. Saying no to that guy with was such an amazing and empowering feeling. And I’m still with the guy I was with at the time.
94. Watch and Learn
My stepdad is a driving instructor. I went to get my license pretty late in the game, when I was 22 years old. One day, he was giving me a lesson and we were going over one of the possible courses that the test takes. While we’re driving down a street in the suburbs, a guy is tailgating the life out of me, and he’s a really scary looking dude.
Every time I come to a stop sign, I do a full stop, obviously. When I do, he throws his hands in the air and yells. It’s starting to stress me out, but my stepdad says, “Don’t worry about it, watch this.” As we’re going down the street, he says, “Okay, now in about 50 feet I want you to start slowing down a little bit and right when you are in front of that school zone, pull over to the right.”
So I do it. Right after I pull over, the scary-looking, furious guy takes off from behind me like a speeding bullet. Aaaannd about five seconds later, a patrol car pulls out from behind a tree and waves him over for going probably double the speed limit in a school zone. We laughed. Hard. Don’t tussle with the driving instructor.
95. The Wrong of Way
There is a small bridge in my neighborhood with a clear sign showing which side has the right of way. One day cars were approaching from opposite sides and the driver from the wrong side felt she should have the right of way. She stopped in the middle of the bridge, honked her horn, and gestured the other car to backup.
The other driver’s reaction was absolutely perfect. He did not even blink. He did not honk, he did not gesture, he just grabbed his newspaper beside him, opened it, and started to read. The first driver fumed and hissed and honked, but there was nothing she could do but back up and let the other driver pass. It was beautiful.
96. Daughter Privilege
I worked at a coffee chain as my first job during high school. I worked a metric ton, and the customers loved me. The place was run by this super jerk of a GM who let her two daughters work there. One was a normal employee who got treated like an angel and always got the shifts she wanted, while the other was an incompetent shift leader who got the same treatment.
Well, one week this normal employee girl looks at her schedule then asks if she can trade two of her shifts with two of mine because she forgot about her mom’s birthday. I said sure, no problem, because I was just trying to be nice. So, the next week when I get my schedule, I am only working one shift. I’m like, why the heck?
The GM only told me, “If you don’t like the shifts I give you, then you won’t get any.” She didn’t even care why I traded the shifts in the first place—for HER BIRTHDAY—so I immediately put my two weeks in. The last day I was supposed to work was a Saturday morning, which is always PACKED and if one person doesn’t show up, it makes the whole morning awful.
Well, I forgot I had to work, and I was out super late that previous night. The next morning, I just kind of said “screw it” and just skipped work altogether. They called and texted me several times, begging to know where I was. I did not even begin to consider letting them know. It felt very, very good. I continue to chase that high.
97. Too Hot to Handle
I had to go with my parents to their friends’ house. They had a son who was about four. He was usually well-behaved, but that one time we were there, he decided it was a good idea to walk around with his pants and underwear off, grab anything he could, and rub it on his junk down there. His and my parents said that it was just a phase and that it was TOTALLY harmless.
But then he had to go grab my chopsticks and my napkin and rub them all over and under his happy place. At that point, I got pretty annoyed with him and decided enough was enough. I hatched a brilliant revenge plan. It was simple: I got a bottle of hot sauce that was nearby and poured some on my napkin. Then I waited. As I predicted, he soon came toddling over, grabbed my napkin, and began rubbing it. And then the crying began.
98. Spoon Man
When I was 18 I worked at the local supermarket, in an area where the level of shady activity was just ridiculous. I had a coworker who was a nice guy, however, he just didn’t have a filter, even with customers. We had a group come in once and demand cash with a knife pulled on him. Now, this had happened before, so we were kinda just over it all.
We knew the weapons were just a threat. I’ll never forget the look on my coworker’s face. He looks this loser straight in the eyes for about three seconds and lazily says, “Now? First thing in the morning? Stab me then.” Security jumped in real quick and the guy didn’t get his cash. We had a sign made with his words.
99. A Hard Egg to Crack
I worked in a hotel that had a full-service restaurant with a buffet in the center of it. Minutes before closing up, we had an annoying customer come in with a friend. She was already mad and whining because the hotel gave her vouchers for the buffet, but she wanted to order off the menu and didn’t like that she’d have to pay for it.
She ended up ordering two eggs and wanted them poached hard. I bring them out and she immediately stabs the egg and complains that the yolk is too soft. Sends them back. We check and it’s a standard hard poach. She just wants them rock hard apparently. I bring out the next set. Same complaint and they’re sent back again. Repeat once more.
Our cook was an old jerk that had been working there 30+ years and very obviously ran out of patience for people like her a long time ago. After I brought the last set back, he cursed under his breath and said he’d bring out the last set. He was done and wanted to go home. I go out to clean off some tables and see him storm out with a plate.
He goes to the buffet in full view of Karen, grabs two hard-boiled eggs, and walks them to her. Throws the plate down without a word and walks back to the kitchen. It took everything I had not to burst out laughing as Karen stared in shock for a few seconds before she started screeching to our manager.
100. Straight-up Smart
My autistic friend was getting an interview for a second restaurant job. The chef doing the interview asked this question: “I can be the biggest jerk when things get heated. How do you feel about that?” My friend’s response was take-no-prisoners: “Well, if that’s the case, then I don’t want to work for you.”
101. Feet off the Mat
Many years ago, I had serious problems asserting myself and would be walked all over as a result. One day my friend asked me to return snow shoes at a store she rented them from on my way home from work. I obliged and found out when I went to return them that there was a significant late fee on them and was forced to pay it.
I got in my car and cried, not knowing if my friend would pay me back and also feeling like once again, I didn’t stand my ground. That’s when it finally dawned on me. I knew that if I didn’t stand up for myself now, I never would. So I went back in the store and demanding my money back. They gave me a full refund.
This one “no” marked a turning point for me, when I started standing up for myself. The effect has snowballed and since then I have a substantially happier life and am very clear about my boundaries and my expectation that they be respected.
102. Bridezilla, Meet Mia
This is one of my favorite “screw it” stories. I used to work at a country club. There was a girl, let’s call her Mia, who had worked there for three or four years before me. Mia was told she was to replace the wedding manger immediately when she started, but had YET to be given the job after all that time. She confided in me that she was done and ready to quit and this would be her last wedding.
I told her to do what was best for her. The country club hosted a lot of weddings and we would always rotate the girls who would take care of the bride and anything she needed. I did it four or five times and only had one bride who was slightly demanding, but poor Mia had the worst luck and always got the bridezillas.
Mia was one of the NICEST people I ever met, by the way. So I was in the lobby setting up for cocktail hour. The hall to my left had two doors, a closet and the bridal suite. Mia and the bride were in the hall and I heard the bride start yelling at Mia about water. They were standing in the hall so I watched the whole thing go down.
Bride: “I ASKED FOR COLD WATER! THIS WATER IS ROOM TEMPERATURE! CANT YOU DO THE ONE THING IM ASKING YOU TO DO?” Mia: “Ma’am you asked for a bowl of ice and a pitcher of room temperature water. You asked to put the ice in yourself. You didn’t want me to touch it.” Bride: “WATER IS COLD! EVEN ROOM TEMPERATURE WATER ISNT THAT WARM! IM THE BRIDE! YOU WILL DO AS I SAY! THAT IS WHY YOU ARE HERE ISNT!? TO SERVE ME!” The next part was so good, it’s unforgettable.
Mia: (smiles and clears her throat) “Ma’am, I have gotten you water three times now I’m sorry it is not to your liking, but you know what’s not to my liking? YOU, YOU FREAKING JERK! YOUR DRESS IS HIDEOUS! YOUR WEDDING IS HIDEOUS! PURPLE AND PALE GREEN!? WHAT ARE YOU?! BARNEY?! YOU LOOK LIKE BARNEY IN THAT DRESS!! SCREW YOU! I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE, I DON’T NEED THIS FROM YOU BARNEY!”
She then storms to the office, hands over her name tag and fob, and leaves the bride in tears. Mia works at a college in North Carolina now. I miss her.
103. Get Mature, Kid
I worked at a Kmart in high school. It was a small store, so I worked everything: electronics, stocking, cashier—you name it, I did it. One day, I asked a woman and her son, who was about 12 or 13, if they needed help finding anything as I was out on the floor. For some reason, the kid immediately calls me out for annoying him. I ignore it and go about my business, but I think he’s a little jerk.
Right after that, I get called to checkout. As I’m working there, here comes the pair. The kid has gone all out back in the electronics area, with some EA sports titles and a GTA game. I’m checking them out when the age prompt comes up for the M-rated game. I decide to take a chance and show the jerk a little karma.
I flip the game over and inform the mother that “This game has been rated M for the following reasons” and read the list off the back of the case. There is a long, awkward silence, and then she angrily informs me that the son said it was only a “little violent,” and he must have lied to her. Kid wasn’t able to get anything that day.
104. The Customer Is Always Right, Especially This Lady
I was out to eat, and this younger lady was acting like a total witch in the restaurant to the staff. Everyone was obviously getting really embarrassed by her behavior…until this middle-aged lady piped up and said from her table, “Oh honey, you’re not pretty enough to act like that.” I seriously could have burst out into applause.
105. She’s All That
When I was about 11 years old, I got bullied pretty bad at school by three guys who were a year older than me. I had braces, glasses, and my ears stuck out a bit so they would wait for me after school to follow me home while insulting me all the way there, calling me ugly, disgusting, dumbo, and shoving me. Fast forward to when I was eighteen.
I wore contact lenses, I grew into my ears, and my teeth were fine thanks to braces. I was going to college, did some modelling, and worked as a bartender on weekends. One night, these three guys came in. They saw me but clearly didn’t recognize me. They kept hovering around the bar and ordering drinks.One of them seemed to get pretty serious.
He kept coming to the bar the following weekends and sat there trying to talk to me. One night he stayed until the end of my shift, said he was falling for me, and asked me out.I said no. I told him my name and what he and his friends did to me. He went pretty pale. I said that I’m not angry about this anymore, but I’d rather he just stayed out of my life.