It’s important to find balance when it comes to how you deal with life. If you care too little, you’re going to end up in a lot of trouble. If you care too much, you run the risk of becoming a doormat for everyone. But sometimes, you just have to throw consequence to the wind and say “screw this.” No matter the outcome, at least you’ll get a good story out of it. These Redditors witnessed some of the most shocking and hilarious instances of times when people completely lost it. Read on and find the inspiration to transcend your next frustrating moment. You’ll be glad you did.
1. Just Go With It
My cashier in Amsterdam was literally just taking my groceries and sliding them across but not scanning them and then putting them into my bag. She scanned the last thing for like, two euro and goes, “That’ll be two euro.” She did not give even HALF of one care.
2. Let me Finish
Everyone was drinking underage at a high school party. There were around 90 people. I’ll never forget watching the authorities pull into the driveway to see every single person take off sprinting into the cornfields. While everyone was sprinting away from the boys in blue, one guy sat in a lawn chair and continued to drink his beer while everyone else was running around.
3. Watch It, Young Man
I saw an elderly man who was jay-walking. A car honked at him. He stopped, bonked the car hood with his cane, and waddled off.
4. Paper Thin Wall
One of my high school teachers was just about to retire. I remember on the day of the final exam he handed out the test papers, then sat down at his desk and read the newspaper with it opened up all the way in front of him. He couldn’t see us and vice versa. The smart girl in front finished first and just passed her paper back. It went all around the class.
Not the first care was given by him on that day.
5. Do Not Pass Go
I went to the city court to pay off a ticket. I was upset because the wait was about an hour and a half. Plus, who enjoys paying for a ticket? Finally, my number gets called and as I sit down at one of the desks an older man walks in and sees the ridiculous amount of people waiting in the queue. The man says, “Screw it, I’ll just go to jail,” loud enough for some of us to hear, then walks out of the building.
The lady at the desk didn’t think it was funny, but it made my day.
6. Contact is Overrated
I was on a ferry one day, standing next to a guy on the ledge. Guy was texting and he dropped his iPhone into the sea. He just looked over for a second and pulled out some gum from his pocket and chewed on it and continued looking at the islands passing by. I looked at him once and he just shrugged briefly.
7. Straight up Smart
My autistic friend was getting an interview for a second restaurant job. The chef doing the interview asked this question: “I can be the biggest jerk when things get heated. How do you feel about that?” My friend’s response was take-no-prisoners: “Well, if that’s the case, then I don’t want to work for you.”
8. The Wrong of Way
There is a small bridge in my neighborhood with a clear sign showing which side has the right of way. One day cars were approaching from opposite sides and the driver from the wrong side felt she should have the right of way for whatever imaginary reason. She stopped in the middle of the bridge, honked her horn, and gestured the other car to backup, even though the sign clearly stated he had the right of way.
The other driver’s reaction was absolutely perfect. He did not even blink. He did not honk, he did not gesture, he just grabbed his newspaper beside him, opened it, and started to read. The first driver fumed and hissed and honked, but there was nothing she could do but back up and let the other driver pass. It was beautiful.
9. Test Hack
Senior year in high school, we had to take a second standardized test, sort of a beta for a future version they were rolling out. Before the testing week, they gathered my class together and told us that no administrators could check our tests and that we would not be getting individual grades. Instead, how well we did would determine how the test was handled next year.
Our class as a whole decided to mark C for every question. They were so proud we finished the test two days ahead of schedule, we got Thursday and Friday off that week. But even better? The next year, we screwed up their figures so bad, they had to do another beta test.
10. GTA Therapy
I work for the Geek Squad. Another agent was really upset one day and had a rough patch of a few clients who were really mean and extremely rude to him. After bearing through them and a 10-minute break, he helped another client. Their first words were, “All right, Best Buy gave me a terrible product that broke after six months and I want you to fix it right now.”
He explained that there’s a process and he couldn’t fix it right now, and the guy cut him off and said, “I don’t care, get it done.” Well, he sat there for a second, quiet, took off his badge, slapped it on the table, and yelled, “Screw you,” then started walking towards the front door with his middle fingers pointing up at everyone. But it got even better. He finished by saying, “And screw this place!” and walked out.
When I went home, I saw that he bought GTA 5 on Steam. Within two weeks, he had 200 hours played.
11. Good Times in Halifax
I used to work reception for an upscale hotel. We had an elderly gentleman working as a concierge who would spend his shifts chatting away to guests. He was likable and charming and often got away with being a little inappropriate. One day, two ladies check in for a spa weekend. As he’s walking away, rolling their luggage, I overhear his conversation.
He asked them where they were from, and they replied Halifax. His response, “Oh, I once made violent love with a girl from Halifax, lovely little town.” They laughed. Old people can get away with all sorts.
12. McDonald’s After Dark
I was at a McDonald’s at like 11:00 pm with some friends. There is a guy who is going off at the girl at the counter because no matter how much cream he puts in his coffee it’s still too black. You know, problems that are definitely within her control. He then turns to his friend, who we haven’t noticed yet, to repeat his complaint to him.
His friend is casually sitting at a table with a pretty big, bleeding gash on his face, and says, calm as a cucumber, “This world is screwed, man.” That weirdo phrase became our motto.
13. Motherhood Practice
About 10 years ago I was struggling to find a decent job out of high school during the recession. Desperate for work and with my first kid on the way, I begrudgingly began working at an Afni call center in Tucson. About a month into being on the floor taking real calls, I realized I needed to get serious about college.
My last weeks on the job were spent crediting hundreds of dollars (biggest credit handed out was $1,100) to people that were polite and may have been mildly inconvenienced. I spent hours helping one lonely elderly lady after another—these were landline Verizon customers—through non-related tech support/life issues.
You’d be surprised how many people use customer support numbers in hopes of finding someone to talk to about their day. In this sea of mostly pleasant, polite midwestern ladies was an absolute witch calling about a $5 charge that I was always happy to credit people for. Before I could even help her, she starts berating me, cussing me out, and telling me how much Verizon sucks, the lawsuits, etc.
This was getting into my last week on the job, and I calmly say, “Ma’am, you are way out of line and need to get control of yourself. I’m going to place you in a one-minute timeout, and we will try this again.” I place her on hold, and a couple of guys around me are cracking up at what they just heard. I figured she hung up while we’re all laughing and celebrating my accomplishment, and turn to see two minutes later that she’s still on the line.
I figured she was really going to lose her mind now. I take a deep breath and with a satisfied grin on my face, open the line back up and say, “All right, ma’am, are we good to proceed?” To my absolute shock, she says, “I’m sorry about that, I’m stressing out about a bunch of other things and this phone bill sent me over the edge.”
I credit the account, ask if there’s anything else I can do, and finish the call as if nothing happened. That exchange taught me a lot when it comes to dealing with people losing their tempers. If you can just put a few extra seconds of time between the moment a person is enraged, and the next interaction, you’ll often encounter something resembling a reasonable human being.
14. The Beauty of Age
I’m a pharmacist who used to work in a store in my community. I once had a pretty standard guy, about 80 years old, holler at me from one of the aisles that he needed some help picking an over-the-counter medication. I go over and ask what’s going on, and he tells me that he’s had a rash in his groin for about a week.
As I’m asking him to describe the rash, he goes right for it. He takes off his suspenders, unzips his pants, and drops his trousers right there in the aisle to show me the rash. It looked like a mild, typical fungal rash in case anyone cares. I offered to take him to a private counseling room to complete any further exam.
His answer was the cherry on top of the messed-up sundae. He kindly said, “Dear, I have neither the time nor the inclination to move from this spot. What should I use?” I picked out some antifungal cream, he re-dressed, thanked me for my time and went happily on his way.
15. Rated R for Wrecked
Back when I worked at a movie theater, one of my fellow assistant managers (Jack) didn’t care about anything. He’d worked at the theater longer than anyone and was good friends with the general manager, so he got away with anything. One time this lady wanted a refund for a movie she’d finished watching. She was going crazy, screaming at us about how the movie was too inappropriate to be rated PG-13 and she couldn’t stand all the swearing in the movie.
I kept calmly trying to explain to her that since the movie was already over we couldn’t give her a refund, our policy clearly stated no refunds after 30 minutes into showtime. She’s not hearing it, and looks to Jack now like he will give her the answer she wants. He starts saying the same thing I did, and she interrupts him again with her yelling about how she couldn’t stand all the swearing in the film.
Jack rolls his eyes and just says, “Well, that’s just too [expletive] bad,” and walks off. Cue stunned look on everyone’s faces.
16. The Sass Award Goes To…
I was training a new bartender at this fairly upmarket restaurant/nightclub. She’d previously worked at a dive bar for students. Second night into her training the two-foot-long rubber shots mat with the Red Bull logo on it disappeared off the top of the bar. My trainee went around the other side of the bar to look for it, thinking it had fallen off.
Next thing I know, she’s pulled it out of the back of a dude’s pants and slapped it back on the bar. She then grabbed him by the upper arm, spun him around so that he was bent over the bar, and spanked him on his bum, I mean really walloped him while telling him off loudly. She then returned to the bar and washed her hands to “get the stupid off of her”.
17. Mountain Man
There is a great Bob Ross episode—for the life of me I can’t remember which one it was—where he starts talking about how folks have written-into the show and said that he draws too many mountains. He then says in his perfectly relaxed and calm Bob Ross voice that each person’s painting is their own, and if they don’t want to draw a mountain, then they don’t have to.
He then begins drawing a great big mountain right smack in the middle of his painting. I think that was the most eloquent and satisfying “screw you” and zero cares given moment I have ever seen.
18. Overdue for a Trim
It’s about 10:00 at night. Across the street from where I’m standing, one of those vendors with awful jewelry on tables is getting screamed at by an angry customer. About 20 seconds into his rant, the customer starts flipping and smashing the jewelry. I look to my left, and there’s a middle-aged dude in a suit with his barefoot balanced on a trash can, trimming his toenails.
Only in New York City!
19. Sticks and Stones…
At Air Force basic training when you first show up you’re either in civilian clothes, or the uniform with sneakers because they don’t want to screw up your feet, I guess. You’re affectionately called “sneaker weakers.” While at chow, if the table behind you gets up, you need to get up and leave regardless of if you’re finished.
If two tables behind you get up, you’ll be swarmed by MTIs and have them scream in your face until you do get up. I had just put my tray back and started to walk out when I look back and see one lone sneaker weaker by himself in a row of five or six tables, surrounded by six MTIs. The kid is staring straight ahead and just eating his food one spoonful at a time while the MTIs scream in his face.
Finishes his food, sets his spoon down, picks up his drink, and just slowly finishes his water. He turns his glass over, puts it down, picks up his tray, and walks up to put it away while still being screamed at by six MTIs. The kid is walking out and I realize everyone in the room is staring at him. He has no emotion; no fear, no smirk, nothing as he walks out of the chow hall.
20. Calm & Collected
A friend of mine was in an accident with a guy on a motorcycle. As she was turning, he came speeding around the corner and hit the back of her car. His bike broke into a million pieces and when she got out, her worst nightmare had come true: he was laying on his back in the middle of the road. She ran over, freaking out to see if he was okay, but he just put his index finger up to his helmet and shushed her, then patted the ground and told her to, “sit, and shush.”
After she sat next to him, he pulled out a pack of smokes, opened his visor, lit one, and passed it to her. When the authorities got there, they were both just laying in the middle of the street alternating puffs. Official statement: “We screwed up, man. We screwed up wicked bad.”
21. The Costco Elite Strike Again
At Costco, this older gentleman was screaming at my boss because apparently all the handicap parking spots were occupied. My boss asks for his information so he can write a complaint. We had little forms for that, nothing really official, mostly just to shut people up. My boss began by asking: “Are you a member?” The customer told him no.
My boss says: “Well, that it’s then.” My Boss then put the little form in the garbage can and walked away. The old man was stunned.
22. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Cares
I went to a New England boarding school. There was a kid who can best be described as a modern Mark Twain character. For example, he grew up living on a boat and didn’t wear shoes to places if he thought he could get away with it, etc. He was expelled just a few days before he graduated. I think it was for using illegal substances, but possibly for one too many alcohol infractions.
With nothing to lose, he took off all his clothes and walked stark naked from the deans’ office back to his dorm.
23. An Eye for a Leg
My buddy was eating at a fast food place, and this teenage girl in a wheelchair comes in with her parents and has a total fit. They’re trying to order and the girl’s just being a nasty little jerk screaming and rolling all over her parents and being super rude to the employees. So, this old guy with these super thick glasses walks over and politely tries to calm the girl down.
He says that people are doing their best and stuff, and the girl just yells at him telling him to go away. The guy says he’s just trying to give his two cents and leaves the girl be. The girl and her parents get their food, and as they’re on their way out, the girl rolls over to the old man and says sarcastically, “Nice glasses.” I couldn’t believe what happened next.
Without even changing his calm demeanor, the old man says, “Nice legs.”
24. Let’s Make a Deal
Some Karen was beefing about a 25¢ off coupon. The coupon was for a 42-ounce bottle of something, but she wanted a 28-ounce bottle. The coupon was rejected when scanned, because duh, there was no product to match it. There was nothing the cashier could do, but Karen just kept demanding 25¢ off.
Finally, the guy ahead of me in line marched up to the counter, slapped a quarter down, and said, “There’s your friggin’ 25¢ off, now pay your stupid bill so the rest of us can go on with our days!”
25. The Hobo & The Gambler
I’m an EMT and I work in a busy area. We were running a 9-1-1 call when a homeless dude saw us coming, started crossing the street, and then proceeded to calmly shuffle across. He was right in front of us—with our lights and siren on—when he looked at me directly and stuck his middle finger up, then continued crossing.
Another time we were running a call in a casino and the dude had a major stroke right at his slot machine, just keeled over and was all sorts of messed up. The lady on the slot machine right next to him is sitting there calmly puffing on a smoke and running her slot. It was crowded and we had to rearrange things a little. We asked her if she could move for a few minutes while we worked on the patient.
She ignored us. We asked her to put her smoke out. She ignored us. Finally, security made her move, with the promise they would make sure she got her seat back.
26. Living the Dream
A few years back a friend of mine was working retail with me, just moving skids to the floor and stuff like that. At the time we had a huge jerk of a GM constantly demanding more work and a harder hustle. Just being a dick in general. Well, my pal was leaving for a new job and was already past his time, helping out with extra work when he could have just gone home.
Coffee in one hand, pallet jack in another, dragging skids around, when our GM stops him and asks him, “Where are you taking that skid? Don’t warehouse it, put it on a top shelf out in one of the aisles.” Essentially, what he was asking was for my friend to take maybe 60+ boxes of small product off a skid and up on a shelf out of reach on the retail floor.
And to top it off he also wanted him to unbox them all first. Literally the most tedious, redundant task you could be doing. My friend just dropped the skid where he was, said, “you do it,” and left the building.
27. A Hard Egg to Crack
I worked in a hotel that had a full-service restaurant with a buffet in the center of it. Minutes before closing up, we had an annoying customer come in with a friend. She was already mad and whining because the hotel gave her vouchers for the buffet, but she wanted to order off the menu and didn’t like that she’d have to pay for it.
She ended up ordering two eggs and wanted them poached hard. I bring them out and she immediately stabs the egg and complains that the yolk is too soft. Sends them back. We check and it’s a standard hard poach. She just wants them rock hard apparently. I bring out the next set. Same complaint and they’re sent back again. Repeat once more.
Our cook was an old jerk that had been working there 30+ years and very obviously ran out of patience for people like her a long time ago. After I brought the last set back, he cursed under his breath and said he’d bring out the last set. He was done and wanted to go home. I go out to clean off some tables and see him storm out with a plate.
He goes to the buffet in full view of Karen, grabs two hard-boiled eggs, and walks them to her. Throws the plate down without a word and walks back to the kitchen. It took everything I had not to burst out laughing as Karen stared in shock for a few seconds before she started screeching to our manager.
28. Was it the Six-Flags Man?
The other day I saw an old man with his wheelie cart trying to cross the street at a busy intersection. He had the walk signal but was walking so slowly that the light changed when he was in the middle of the crosswalk. Drivers started honking at him, but instead of hurrying across to the other side, the old man stops, turns to face the line of cars, and does a little old man dance, blocking traffic until the light changed back.
Then he carried on walking like nothing happened.
29. Somebody Please Care
I was chilling in a park in Lisbon with a friend, eating a sandwich, having a fresh juice. There was a children’s’ park there, lots of children playing. If you looked closely, you could see a homeless woman under cardboard. She looked like she was withdrawing from something, because she was shaking a lot. She got up, undressed completely, took a leak in front of the kids, and then proceeded to go back under the cardboard.
She clearly didn’t care at all, the children didn’t care, and the parents didn’t care either. My friend and I got up and left.
30. Worth It
I was working a double at a restaurant after closing the night before. The shift started at 10:00 am and ended around 11:00 pm with a 30-minute break between lunch and dinner service. I was about five minutes late and the “manager”—AKA the owner’s errand boy—tells me about half an hour before my lunch break that the owner says I have to work through my break.
That’s the moment I stopped caring about that ridiculous job. I looked the spineless manager in the face and said, “You can tell the ‘owner’ he can go screw himself.” I got fired so fast for that outburst but it was way worth it. I was tired of making money for that schmuck.
31. Duck God
My daughter freaking LOVES feeding the army of ducks that live in the golf course behind our house. I try to get her not to because bread isn’t good for them. One time after I got out of the shower, I saw her out on the back porch feeding the ducks our blueberry bread. I told her to stop and she looked me right in the eyes and tipped the rest of the bag out to the mouths of what looked like 100 ducks.
She is now the duck god.
32. Artillery? Yawn
It was when I was serving. I was in camp doing chores when suddenly, a wall of earth and noise sprang up a few hundred meters down the valley. I grabbed my kit and sprinted like crazy to my APC to take shelter, adrenaline pumping. In front of me, I saw an older medic in my platoon sitting outside the mess tent.
I screamed, “Shelter!” (probably with considerable doppler) as I went past at speed. He just crossed his legs over the table, drawled, “Nah, they won’t have ranged properly for another ten minutes at least,” and thumbed another page of his prize: a fresh newspaper from home.
I used to be on a submarine, and one day the whole department was getting yelled at for something or other by the senior enlisted. He goes around the room asking questions to junior department people, “How would you have prevented this? What is our policy for this?” and all that. The senior enlisted turns to a guy we’ll call J, and asks “J, how does knowing that our department allowed this to happen make you feel?”
J, barely paying attention, responds, “Honestly, I haven’t really felt anything in years so…nothing.”
34. Quitting in Style
I worked for a call center for a time, and a friend from my original training class was getting tired of it after a couple of years. This is a guy for whom life has basically gone: job, large savings, no job, whittle savings, rinse, repeat. He lives totally minimalistic the whole time, so he came to this job after two years of the funemployment life.
And it was to that life he was prepared to return, a hearty three years’ worth of savings under his belt. He told me he was tired of the garbage and he didn’t want to keep working. I liked having a friend at work with his attitude, so I convinced him to make them fire him instead. He agreed and began a very linear scale of laziness.
The first week, he began a strict regimen of call avoidance. He would come in, misuse the phone status changes, take maybe one call, go on his first break, come back, take maybe one more call, go on lunch, etc. For a full week, he took four or six calls a day, and no one said a dang thing. The second week, he took basically no calls. He did a great job of looking busy when important people came by.
Somehow, his supervisor did not come to talk to him, and the people who monitored phone stats either overlooked him or were investigating a phone anomaly. The third week was where he really shined. We were responsible for our own timesheets, as represented on the employee website. He would come in at the start of his first break, go on break, take no calls, go on lunch, take no calls, go on break, and leave.
But on his timesheet, he put his normal start and end times to get paid for a full work day. The Friday of week three is when they finally came for him. I was so proud of my boy when they laid down a piece of paper in front of him to sign, stating he would relinquish his pay that he did not earn—which he promptly refused to sign.
Since they could not compel him to sign it, the supervisor got irate and walked him out of the building right then and there. Thing is, if you’re fired, you have to have an exit interview. He didn’t get one, so they had to call him back in, pay him for his time, and exit interview him properly. And then, of course, he got unemployment to supplement his savings.
He did so well he moved to Colorado. And if anyone is feeling like this company didn’t deserve that level of scamming, I’m happy to report it was Comcast.
35. For the Fishes
I work in the Coast Guard and we were anchored in the middle of Tampa Bay when all of a sudden I see a small boat. Okay, kinda weird, they are heading straight towards us. So I look through the big eyes—essentially a giant pair of binoculars—so I can get more information on the vessel. I still can’t believe what I saw.
There this lady on the boat, and as I watch, she sits over the side, drops her bikini bottoms, and poops right in the middle of the bay. I was absolutely stunned. The bridge ends up calling up to me and asking if I saw a lady take a dump over the side. All I do is give a grunt of affirmation as the lady passes us and waves.
36. Spoon Man
When I was 18 I worked at the local supermarket, in an area where the level of criminal activity was just ridiculous. I had a coworker who was a nice guy, however, he just didn’t have a filter, even with customers. We had a group come in once and demand cash with a knife pulled on him. Now, this had happened before, so we were kinda just over it all.
We knew the weapons were just a threat. I’ll never forget the look on my coworker’s face. He looks this loser straight in the eyes for about three seconds and lazily says, “Now? First thing in the morning? Stab me then.” Security jumped in real quick and the guy didn’t get his cash, and for the two years I worked there we had a sign displayed out the back with his words on it.
It’s been seven years, but I’d hope it’s still there, or that they at least spread this guy’s legend.
37. One Last Chug
I worked as a chef at a place in Sweden, and the head chef was a real jerk. The dude was on illegal substances most of the time. When he wasn’t, he was drunk. So, one day the owner had enough after another “incident” with the waiting staff. He just came into the kitchen, yelled at the head chef, and told him to go home and never come back.
So, the head chef just started removing his work clothes right there and then, down until he only had socks, shoes, and underwear on. He grabbed a bottle of wine standing by the oven, opened it, and walked out the kitchen door into the actual dining area—then came the piece de resistance. He stopped to chug the entire wine bottle in front of the guests, carefully placed it on a table, and walked out.
This was mid-winter in the northern part of Sweden. He lived about ten minutes away and didn’t own a car. He never said a word to the owner. I never saw him again, either. I don’t know about refreshing, but I kinda respected his exit even though he was an absolute jerk.
38. Child, Meet Childish
I had an inland flight about three years ago. This kid in the row behind me, probably six to eight years old, started to kick my seat after takeoff. It was not a long flight, about 1.5 hours. But I hate this kinda junk. So, I turned around and sure enough, that prick was kicking my seat, while his mom and dad were sitting on either side of him pretending to not notice.
First, I kindly asked the dad if he could make him stop, and he somewhat tried to convince his kid to stop. The kid sulked but seemed to get the memo…at least for a minute. He then proceeded to kick my seat again. Once again, I turned around, and this time, dropped the pleasantries. I told them that this was a golden opportunity to teach their kid some manners.
As this is Norway, and some people are starting to feel more entitled than others, this didn’t go that well. Mom started to yell at me, saying he’s just a kid and needs to express himself. It is at this moment the flight attendant arrives, and I try to explain the situation, while this kid’s terrible mom and dad try to override my complaint by saying I’m the one who is making a scene.
The flight attendant, not wanting any trouble as we are miles above ground, tries to explain that kicking the seat can be annoying and that we should all just get along. The flight attendant leaves and the kicking commences. That’s when I came up with a plan for revenge. I picked up my stuff, walked to the row behind the annoying family, and asked the woman behind the kid if she would like to move to my window seat, so I could take her middle seat.
She smiled and nodded. I sat down behind the kid and proceeded to kick the back of his seat for the remaining 40 minutes that was left of the flight.
39. The Safest Uber
A good friend of mine ran out of money on a night out. He was pretty drunk and didn’t fancy the three-mile walk home in the cold, so he came up with an ingenious plan. He decided to smear some dirt on his face and then walk into the local police station and tell them he’d been mugged and beaten up. The authorities took pity on him cos he’s a little fella and gave him a lift home.
Bloke has no shame at all.
40. Weird Save, But Okay
High School. Strict teacher. Microbiology class. The kid is drawing with a pen on his jeans. The girl sitting next to him is looking and giggling. The kid looks at her. Looks down. Looks back at her. In a loud voice, he says, “Ohhh! You’re staring at my…erection!”
41. When You Tussle with the Muscle
There was this huge security guard at the place I worked. Like, body builder huge. He dressed in a suit every day because of the job we were working. I was a valet and he was just making his rounds for the night, stopped to have a chat with me. Super nice guy. This smarmy guy pulls up in a BMW. He had the body of Jigglypuff and was balding with his sparse tufts of hair in a combover. He was about 5’7″ tall and was wearing a Bill Cosby sweater.
So, he parks his car angled towards the curb, back end about four-feet into the street, his front wheel four-inches from curb. He’s parked right in front of the main entrance, and we don’t allow any cars to block the curb directly in front of the entrance. It’s basically for dropping off your car or people in the car and then getting out of the way.
The smarmy guy hops out and tries to just brush by me. I say, “Sir, I need your keys.” He says, “I’ll just be a minute.” I say again, “Sir, I need your keys.” He keeps trying to walk inside and I step in front of him. I explain, “I’ll leave your car parked on the street, but I cannot have it blocking the entrance.” So now he gets all moody and says, “Don’t you know who I am!” and I reply, “No, sir. I just need your keys.”
He scoffs and reaches into his man-purse, then he pulls out a second tiny man-purse that had his key fob inside. He’s standing about five feet away, then throws his fob into my face. It bounces off my forehead and lands onto the ground. I don’t move, I just look down like, “Did that really just freaking happen?”
Well, the silent security guy has been standing ten feet away the whole time. He’s now walking over slowly from the smarmy guy’s side. The smarmy guy screams at me, “I’m a lawyer! And you’re nothing!” The security guy grabs the smarmy guy by the back of his sweater, slams his entire body/face into the glass, and calmly says, “I’m security. I have just witnessed an assault. All of this is on camera. Do you want to apologize to this gentleman, or should we ask if he wants to press charges? The PD is downstairs having their daily meal.”
The smarmy guy apologizes and I let him go inside. I move his car and when I get back the security guy says, “Friggin’ jerk.” Later, I found out that the security guy is an off-duty officer.
42. Mom, Can I Borrow This?
My high school had what was a beauty pageant for senior dudes. It raised money for their prom. It was always in good fun. But one of the competitions was a swimsuit walk. To keep things from going too far speedos were banned. That did not, however, stop one guy from wearing his mom’s bikini in front of an auditorium full of classmates and teachers.
It was as revealing as one would expect and I have no idea how nobody stopped him before it was too late.
43. Shut It or Lose It
Imagine this: a summer camp for special needs kids. A counselor leading a child away by the arm. The counselor is saying: “I’m very disappointed in you, Ellie.” Ellie replies: “Shut the fudge up and lose weight, Susan.”
44. Not His First Rodeo
I was at the gym recently and overheard a guy talking on the phone to someone who I presume was his wife. The conversation went something like this: “I just need another 10 or 15 minutes to finish up…just another 10 or 15 minutes…just another 10 or 15 minutes… just another 10 or 15 minutes…just another…okay fine, I’m leaving now.”
He then hung up and spent the next 10 to 15 minutes finishing up his routine.
45. A True Gentleman
My town has a vagrant problem. I stopped by Starbucks a few weeks ago, and there was an older gentleman pouring the carafe of half-and-half over his head. It would run down his bald scalp, over his eyes, through his scraggly mass of beard, and then drip onto the counter. And then he would bend over and slurp it up, all while making the same sounds Ron Burgundy made while regretting his choice of milk.
Gurgling, grunting, random cursing, and spoiling dairy.
46. The Last Straw
This happened when I was in high school. I was a senior and he was a sophomore. We had gym together. He would make nasty, dirty comments about me constantly. Just gross. I reported it to the gym teacher, who laughed it off. One day, we were getting off the bus after a field trip and he grabbed my butt. That was the last straw for me.
I got off the bus, handed my stuff to a friend, and the minute his feet touched the ground I went at him. All 110 lbs. of me just wailing on him. He couldn’t get a punch in, even though my friends said he tried. I blacked his eye, bloodied his nose, pulled out a chunk of hair, and scratched him up pretty bad. I quit when he dropped into the fetal position, then I just walked home. It was freaking great.
On Monday, I got called into the office because this went down on school property. I got the gym teacher in trouble for inaction and was suspended from the bus for a month. Dude got a three-day suspension for butt grabbing. When he came back, his face was still pretty colorful and he got teased relentlessly for getting his butt kicked by a girl half his size.
He grew up to be a total piece of trash and spent his time in and out of the slammer.
47. I’d Pick Gatorade, But That’s Just Me
I used to work at a fast-food restaurant and we had a new employee. He was very chill, funny, but not that great of a worker. There’s an elementary school with a basketball court nearby, so we decide to shoot some hoops after work. This was around the middle of the day. We walk over there, play a couple of games, we’re having fun.
Out of nowhere the guy calls a timeout and sits on the side. We assumed he was just out of breath and tired. Nope. What he did next made my blood run cold. He pulled out a bag of white powder and really casually does a bump in front of us. There was a children’s baseball game going on next to us. One of the parents came over and said something. My coworker said it wasn’t what it looks like, got up, and started playing again.
You could totally tell he was high by the way he was moving, acting, etc. Needless to say, he didn’t work there for long. He got fired for coming into work high, of course.
48. I Know My Rights
One day at my old job, my old boss called everybody together because the upper management decided to cut some people out. This old lady overheard it from the bathroom, and then she zoomed out of there, grabbed her stuff, and left before she could get properly fired. She then called HR to tell them she was getting her paid vacation that was on hold and hung up the phone before HR could respond.
She turned off all possible forms of contact, like cellphones and e-mails. Then she took 30 days of paid vacation, plus four days of paid sick leave, plus 29 days of absence. In my country, the law says you can be absent for 29 straight days without being fired for just cause. When she came back, she was properly fired, but since it was without just cause, she got all of her benefits, like unemployment insurance.
49. The Hero We Need
I was in line at a coffee shop and the lady was complaining that they didn’t have organic milk. Without a word or hesitation, the guy behind the counter just said, “Next, please,” and didn’t even take her order.
When I delivered pizza we had this older driver, who was probably in his 20s, who came back from a delivery pretty annoyed. A few minutes later, the store got a phone call complaining about him. When I found out what had happened, I nearly keeled over. It was absolutely legendary. He had gone on a delivery where the total was $11.97.
The person at the door had handed him $12 and asked for their change. He said okay, went back to his car, and got three pennies. At the door, he looked the woman straight in the eyes, rolled the pennies between her legs into her house, and walked back to his car.