It’s not always easy to tell when someone is lying.
After all it seems like, as a species, human beings just can’t help but lie. Sometimes it’s to cover our tracks, sometimes it’s to spare someone’s feelings, and sometimes it’s just for the sheer thrill of it. Regardless of the why, we all seem to do it now and again. The only problem is, lies have a funny way of blowing up in our faces. Here are some of the internet’s wildest stories about the times they’ve lied, or been lied to.
1. Well That’s Just Plain Dark
I’ve been seeing a married woman for a couple of months. We have friends in common, so our relationship is limited to her coming to my apartment, us having drinks and maybe dinner and then having sex. I’m not actually sure why I’m doing it, as it leaves me feeling pretty low. I mean, where can this go really. She comes from a conservative culture and was a virgin when she married her husband. As far as I know, I’m her second lover. She whispered, “I love you” into my ear last night after we’d had sex. I said it back almost reflexively. I didn’t mean it in the least.
2. Welcome to Facebook!
I once told my mom that wtf stood for “Welcome to Facebook.” Every time she got a new friend she would post on their wall “We are friends now! WTF!”
3. You Can’t Hide Your Lying Pink Eye
I work at a daycare. If a child is sick they will be sent home cause we don’t want to risk infecting the whole class (generally happens anyway). A lot parents don’t agree with this policy which leads to parents arguing with us that their kid isn’t sick when they obviously are. My favorite time this happened was when a mother dropped her little boy off in an eye patch. Yep, the toddler was wearing a darn eye patch.
I ask what happened and she says he hit his eye or something. Which I didn’t really believe. She says whatever I do don’t take off his eye patch. I pick him up and immediately lift up his eye patch…pink eye. She was sooooo pissed at me for doing that. And she was shocked I did it. The look on her face was so satisfying. Although I got yelled at by my supervisor for it.
4. A Work of Fiction
Back in school, I was in English class and my friend knew that I had not done my homework of writing a short story. Knowing this, when the teacher asked for people to read out their story, my friend instantly shouted out that he had read my story and it was really good. To my friend’s amazement, I then proceed to stare at my book while making up a full short story. Teacher never noticed.
5. An Inconvenient Throwback
Boyfriend finally convinces me to have a threesome after months of begging. I finally agree, and our mutual friend comes over. Things get hot and heavy, and when he starts being with her, he moans “Darn, you feel even better than usual!” Everyone freezes. He tries to tell me that he was thinking about me while being with her, and that it just felt differently, but she felt so guilty that she confessed on the spot and begged me to forgive her. We don’t really talk anymore, but last I heard she had been dating my ex for over a year.
6. Fake It Until You Make It
I know a guy that took his tuition and room and board money in the form of a check from his grandfather every year, and also got checks for incidentals. He was kicked out midway through his first year. He ended up “graduating” after the fall semester of what should have been his senior year, so he didn’t walk, made a fake diploma and had a graduation party.
He ended up getting a job at a local place that requires a college education, and is now a manager and makes quite a bit. Never had to provide anything showing he graduated and they never checked. He used the stolen tuition money to buy a house during the downturn and did well on it.
I imagine his story is probably one in a million for these types of circumstances, though.
7. Sinking to New Lows
This girl at my high school lied to everyone about having breast cancer. She even got “counseling” from a teacher who actually did have breast cancer, and who has since passed away. Eventually, everyone found out that she was just lying about the whole thing to get attention. I doubt we’ll be seeing her at a high school reunion any time soon.
8. A Very Driven Person
I fooled the DMV into thinking my out-of-state learner’s permit was an actual driver license. I got it “renewed” and walked out of the DMV with a new class D driver license. I had never driven a car or even taken driver’s ed.
9. Dine, Dash, and Dump
I had been going through a rough patch with my GF at the time. We both worked at the same large chain grocery store and a lot of co-workers knew we were dating. One of the girls comes up to me when I’m closing and asks, “Are you still dating so-and-so? Because I just saw her in a coffee shop parking lot making out with some guy.”
I trusted this source, and she was very upset when she found out she provided very hurtful news. Being an evil jerk, I began to plan my revenge. So, I told her we should go for a romantic getaway an hour and a half from home. We went to a nice restaurant and it was actually a good time. At the end of the meal I excuse myself to use the bathroom, I have a long drive ahead of me.
I go up to our waiter and ask him to tell her that I know. Give him a $20 as a tip (she was dead broke because she just paid for school, which I helped her pay). After the bathroom, I snuck out of the place, got in my car, and drove home. Her friend had to drive up, pay for the meal, and drive her home. We haven’t talked since. Her friend told me I went a bit too far, but did I?
10. Telling Rumors
I was in a bar having some beers when I feel a tap on my shoulder. It was a guy I went to school with. I didn’t really hang out with him back then, but decided to catch up and share stories anyways. At one point he mentions sleeping with a girl I knew very well, a girl I knew for a fact was a virgin until after she graduated. I just kind of nodded and let him go. Then, I said something along the lines of “oh, I actually know her very well, we’ll have to hit her up, she comes out and drinks with me all the time!” He turned white. The look of horror in his eyes was great.
11. I’m Sorry to Hear That
A guy on an online dating site was trying to show me pictures of his private parts, I kept saying the links were broken to see how many different places he’d try to upload it, and how much tech support he’d offer to fix whatever the problem might be on my end. Turns out the answer is four.
12. Peanut Butter Games
When I first got married back in 2005, my wife asked me if I like creamy peanut butter. I knew she did, so I told her “Yeah that’s great!” She buys creamy peanut butter, I buy creamy peanut butter. About three years ago, she’s doing some experiment or something with our daughter and she needed chunky peanut butter.
I saw it in the pantry and exclaim “Oh chunky peanut butter, I love this stuff!” to which she responds “… You do? I’ve been buying Creamy peanut butter all these years because you told me that was your favorite.” So long story a little shorter, we both prefer chunky peanut butter by a large margin, but had been buying creamy for ten years because we both thought it was what the other preferred.
Reading that back, we’re pretty boring people.
13. Getting Under Their Skin
I told a Jehovah’s Witness I was a lesbian, and that my wife and I would appreciate if they didn’t bother us again.
14. Standing Up to the Boss
I had a boss who kept on getting angry at me because, “I wasn’t doing what he told me to do.” Finally one day, I decided to start writing down exactly what he told me, dated it, and kept record of it. Then one day came where inevitably, “WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!” “Exactly what you told me to do.” “I NEVER TOLD YOU TO DO THAT!” “Well, I have it written here…” pulls out note card “On 5/22/16 — you told me specifically to do this task, exactly like this, and never do it any other way.” I finally won. I started standing up for myself a bit more in the office, and I was respected for it.
15. She Walked Right Into That One…
My boyfriend used to work the third shift at a popular gas station on the East coast. He worked with one of those notoriously terrible coworkers who calls in sick all the time with a ton of wild excuses. Well, one night, she called in saying that she was sick, that she was vomiting and feverish, and that she was sorry, but there was no way that she could come in.
The only person available to take her shift that night was the district manager, who happened to be in the area for a meeting. So, the district manager comes in and works the cash register with my boyfriend. At around 3 in the morning, who should walk in but the supposedly sick coworker! Oh, but it gets even better than that.
She was clearly wasted beyond belief and had innocently come in to buy two rolls of Tums, thinking that one of her friends would be there filling in for her. When she reached the front of the checkout line to discover that the district manager was the one who had actually taken her shift that night, she was fired on the spot.
16. I Told You So!
I told this girl in second grade that I was a psychic just to troll. She didn’t believe me, of course, so she asked me to predict something. I said, “You’re going to scream right now.” As she was saying, “That’s dumb. Why would I–,” a kindergartner playing tag randomly fell and rolled back into her legs. She screamed. She was really scared of me after that. Sometimes, stupid lies work out!
17. Mission Less-Than-Plausible
My ex was in the Navy, and we dated for approximately 3 years, 1 of which we lived together. He had been deployed once during the first couple years of our relationship, so we mostly had a long-distance relationship until the last year we were together, when I moved in with him. After 3 months living together, he tells me he is being deployed again.
I’m disappointed but that’s his duty, so I tell him I’ll stay in the apartment and he can send me his 1/2 of rent, etc. because he didn’t want to move all of his stuff out and lose the place. He said he was supposed to be gone for 8 months (February through October) and will be home by the end of October.
Anyway, time passed, we called, Skyped, and I sent care packages until the beginning of September, when he tells me he won’t be able to contact me until he is heading home. He says it’s for some secret mission or something (I was 19 and very naive!). I don’t hear from him again until Halloween night, telling me he will be home in 2 days.
I plan a party for him, inviting his mom & sister (his mom was born & raised in Haiti, and she speaks NO English.) Anyway, fast forward to party, I’m happy to see him and everyone’s having a good time. My ex and his mom are speaking to each other in their native language (French Creole), and I can’t understand what they’re saying.
His sister says to him (in English) that he needs to go to his mom’s house to help her clean out her gutters and change her air filter. He says back, “Oh it’s okay, I did all that in September when I got home.” I think he forgot he was speaking English. I am stunned and honestly, I just left. I wouldn’t talk to him for two days.
When I finally picked up the phone, he confessed that he had been living with his mom the past 2 months so he could “see other people” without hurting my feelings. I moved out and never talked to him again.
18. You’re Hired!
I was trying to get into a developer bootcamp for which I was woefully underqualified. I memorized as much of a “100 top programming interview questions” list as I could and BSed my way through the interview. Managed to learn enough on the fly to not look like a complete idiot. Here I am almost three years later, making way more than I should at a job I had no idea how to do when I started.
Thankfully, I’m a solid developer now, but damn—if I never did that, I’d be stuck in tech support forever.
19. Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Secret
I was dating a girl who was a model and used to fly to different parts of the country for photo shoots (typically LA and NYC). One trip, she said that the director of the shoot wouldn’t allow phones on his set, and then she ignored me for 4 days. When I asked her about it and confronted her, she somehow convinced me I was the crazy one.
Fast forward a month: her and I are back to normal. Christmas rolls around, and I get her a really expensive diamond necklace. Fast forward about three months after that, and she gives me my birthday gift…A picture album of her (professional pictures) and says, “Remember that photo shoot I couldn’t answer the phone? These are the pictures from that photo shoot! Don’t you feel like a jerk?”
For a split second, I kind of did feel like a jerk, until I looked at a couple of the photos closer, and realized that the necklace that I bought her was dangling around her neck. I pointed it out to her, and she couldn’t come up with anything, so I left her place. She called me the next day and admitted she was sleeping around in New York that one week, and that was all I needed to never speak to her again.
20. Hit Reply All
When I got divorced we “shared” a lawyer because it was amicable and we just agreed to keep our own stuff and move on. I was getting ready to deploy to Afghanistan in less than a week so I’m anxious to get everything done before I leave. So I get emailed the finalized divorce documents and my ex mentions my half of costs was around $2000.
What she didn’t know is she had forwarded me the whole email chain with the lawyer where they discussed final billing. Turns out the total amount owed was actually about $800. So I replied and said I’d be paying $400 and explained her mistake. Her reply was simply “Whatever. I don’t care.”
21. Elephant Lies
My life, my dad’s lie. He’s a GP in the US and had an older Indian man as a patient. While they were chatting, at some point my dad mentioned that his sister loved elephants and had a collection of figurines. The patient went back to India to visit family, and he brought back a couple small carved elephants to my dad to give to me. He’d misunderstood/misremembered and thought it was his daughter who collected elephants. My dad thought it was a one-time thing, thanked him, and said I’d love them. Turns out he went back to India every year. For ten years, I’d get a new elephant figurine whenever that patient had come back.
22. Leaving the Fold
I once had a math test in high school that I knew I was totally going to flub. I was normally a really good student and did well at math, but today just wasn’t my day. The test questions were all on one sheet and we were instructed to use blank pages to write our answers. I sat during the whole test just doodling on the blank pages.
At the end, I put my name on the question sheet and folded over the corner as if there had been other sheets with it, put it on the pile, and walked out. Next class, the teacher pulled me aside and profusely apologized because she thought she lost my answers! She said she’d just leave it out of my overall class score for the semester. I couldn’t believe that worked. I guess it wasn’t technically a lie, but it definitely wasn’t honest!
23. This Guy Has His Priorities in Order
“Hey I slept through my alarm, so I’ll be in a little late today. I’d been up for an hour playing Destiny, and lost track of time before I went to work.
24. A Mechanical Error
When I was in college, I had just purchased two new front tires for my car this one time until, about a week later, one of my back tires got punctured by a nail. So I went in to the local tire shop to have it replaced. Later that day, they gave me a call:
Tire Shop: “The estimate to fix the puncture is X. Would you like us to repair it?”
Me: “Yes, please.” It was a reasonable price.
Tire Shop: “Also, I noticed that the treads on your front tires look dangerously low.”
Me: “My two front tires?”
Tire Shop: “Yes. They are at two-thirty-seconds of an inch low. This is legally worn down and they should be replaced. I can do it today for X dollars.”
Me: “So you are telling me right now that my two front tires are dangerously worn down?”
Tire Shop: “Yes.”
Me: “My brand new tires that I bought last week?”
Tire Shop: “Oh…”
Me: “You know what, forget about fixing the puncture. I’ll be by in a minute to pick up my car so that I can take it somewhere else.”
25. Undone by the Panty Raid
I went to my girlfriend’s 18th birthday party. I wandered around mingling with all her friends, and then I realized I hadn’t seen her anywhere in like 45 minutes. I thought nothing of it at first, but then I went downstairs to use the basement bathroom. It was locked. I knocked, and I heard a very breathy female voice say, “Occupied! Go Away!” Since I really had to go, I decided to wait.
GF came stumbling out of the bathroom with some guy about ten minutes later, looking all flustered and stinking of really cheap weed. Apparently, the guy bought himself a bathroom quickie with a few hits of a crummy toke. She made some excuse about how they were “just talking” and he was an old friend. I shrugged, actually wanting to believe her.
But when I went in to finally take a leak, the stupid girl had forgotten her panties on the bathroom floor. I handed them to her in front of all her friends upstairs and walked out. “Here. You forgot these in the bathroom downstairs.” It was one of those classic zinger moments when you really burned someone, but at the time, I just felt sick and brokenhearted.
26. Court of Lies
A year had gone by with no settlement in what should have been a very simple divorce (no children, no remarkable assets or property). Instead, it had been nothing but lies, harassment, and threats from this attorney who had just recently got her law license back after having it suspended for a year.
There was a lot of stuff that had transpired, but the last straw was when I begrudgingly agreed to pay $1,500 in legal fees to her attorney because I just wanted the nightmare to end. After she got the cashiers check, she claimed to have “destroyed” the check because it wasn’t made out to her and instead it was made out to my ex as ordered by the court. A few emails followed as I canceled the cashiers check. She tried to have my ex cash out the check while demanding another one in her name or else…
After a year of nonstop threats and lies, we had had it. We filed sanctions against her. It had been three months since the incident and they weren’t producing a settlement as ordered and when they finally did on the day of the sanctions hearings, it was more of a criminal document to implicate myself than a settlement. She had filed counter-sanctions against me for filing sanctions against her. That made us file a second order for sanctions against her because she basically tried to extort me by saying that she’ll lift her sanctions against me if we pay her $5,000.
For the entire year and a half at this point it had seemed like my ex and her crazy attorney had always gotten their way and that their consistent harassment and lies had been rewarded by the courts. I was shocked when at the sanctions hearing the judge started with a few simple questions to both sides and then immediately tore into my ex’s attorney for 15 minutes. I mean tore into, like yelling at her and telling her how much of an embarrassment this is to the court system. It was surreal to me.
What was even more surreal to me was when I got the judge’s ruling 90 days later. It was a document written by the judge who meticulously reviewed our case and basically wrote a 35-page thesis on it. It called out all of the lies from my ex’s attorney. It was unbelievable to see on paper by an impartial judge, calling out my ex and her attorney on all of their lies and their abhorrent behavior.
My ex had to pay back the legal fees, her attorney had to pay me $2,000, which means she had to report herself to the state bar. If she didn’t, the judge did it for her anyways by mailing the entire ruling to the bar. Last I heard, she made her law license “inactive” and moved to another state to be a waitress.
27. Band on the Run
I met this dude who wanted to join my band. He said he was a huge Pearl Jam and Rolling Stones fan. So, just for the heck of it, I asked him if he was also a fan of the band “Stone Sessions”—a fictional band that I just made up on the spot. He told me that he had every single one of their albums. The look on his face was priceless when I told him that I had just made up the band!
28. Living It Up
After my buddy sent me a picture of his sexy haircut, I said, “Can we get naked tonight?” He said he couldn’t…so I lied and said “Yeah I wasn’t serious. I’ve got plans. I’m going out.” Really, I watched a marathon of Criminal Minds and checked my phone every five minutes to see if there was a message from him to actively ignore so I could appear “busy.”
29. The Ties That Bind Us
I created a binder for a hotel that my company owns and filled it with forms and templates. I highlighted and wrote clear explanations of everything on each page. About a month later, I go over to the property to assist with some things, and the GM brings out the binder and says, “yeah, I just put this together as a tool for us here.”
I immediately tell him, “No, you didn’t. I made that and gave it to you.” His face went white as he tried to recover by saying, “Well, I added a few things.” He didn’t. I definitely loved the faces of my colleagues when I went back to the office and told them all about it!
30. Lies and Basketball
I played college basketball, and one of my teammates had a chronic condition with the truth. My first summer we were roommates, and I always suspected he was stealing my clothes. At one point, every player received a custom pair of Jordans in our school’s colors. But within a week mine went missing. A month later, I noticed my roommate/teammate was wearing a pair of Jordans. Later in the day we were in a gym and I waited until we were all relaxing, and he had the soles of his shoes facing forward as he sat.
I told all of my other teammates what I suspected, and approached him. “Hey, have you seen my Jordans?” “Naa, I already told you. Now leave me alone,” “Then why is my number written on the soles of the shoes you’re wearing?” The team equipment staff had predicted some shoes might go missing, so they had marked each pair. I made him take the shoes off right there, since I couldn’t trust I’d get them back at the end of the day. After that, his nickname on the team was Simba, for being the Lying King.
31. Surprise Birthday Party Confessions
I convinced pretty much everyone in my life that I was allergic to coconut at a young age. I simply just didn’t like it at all and it was a good way to avoid eating it (logic of a pre-teen mind). My mom played along. It wasn’t until about three years ago when my mother in law had a surprise birthday party for her husband and she made a german chocolate cake. The kicker here: she did HALF of it coconut and half without so I could enjoy the cake and not have an allergic reaction to it. I broke down. Laughed. Told them it wasn’t true and I actually am not allergic. Her face melted. I hadn’t realized how long I had kept up the lie until that very moment.
32. Starting Out On the Wrong Foot
I pulled out a piece of paper in class and wrote “hello” on it and slid it to the girl next to me. She responded with a “hi” and slid it back. We kept sending the paper back and forth to each other until I wrote a joke on the paper. She scribbled something on the paper and handed it back to me. The paper read “lol” after my joke. She, in fact, did not laugh out loud. I am sitting right next to her so I know she didn’t laugh. I still went ahead and used the notes to get her number, but I don’t know how well it will work out with someone who lies like that.
33. Getting Week at the Knees
I had an angry customer on the phone saying that someone had promised her a ridiculous deal that had obviously never happened. She “couldn’t remember” when I asked her who she was speaking to at the time, so I tried to inquire a little further:
Me: “When did you call in?”
Me: “Did you speak to someone who was male or female?”
Her: “A woman.”
Me: “We don’t have any female employees who answer the phones on Thursday.”
Her: “No, wait, it was actually Wednesday!”
Me: “We didn’t have a female employee working the phones at any time for the past week.”
34. Calling in Sick
Once had a person work for me who would always call out and use her past health problems as a crutch to miss work all the time. One Monday she called in, gave me some generic illness excuse and said she couldn’t get out of bed. That morning another department had a breakfast meeting at ihop (ihob) and saw her there eating breakfast with her friends looking like she was in perfect health. The picture evidence sent to me was oh so satisfying.
35. The Classic “Moved To Africa” Excuse
I did online homeschooling for a few years and there was a forum where you could socialize with other students enrolled in the school. During this time I was big into making music on a DAW I had downloaded. I didn’t know how to play any instruments, but I could still download different drum beats and guitar riffs from the dev’s website.
I shared a few songs with my fellow “classmen” and told everyone that I could play guitar and had a friend that tracked the drums. Eventually, people started asking me for guitar lessons or more songs.
I couldn’t keep up the lie so I told them that my friend moved to Africa for a missions trip and would not return for the foreseeable future. But everyone in that forum thought I could play the guitar. I couldn’t, and still can’t play to save my life.
36. It Can’t Be a Lie if it’s Half True, Right?
I told the girl I have been hooking up with that I had dreamed I was waking up next to her and I was extremely disappointed when I woke up alone. Granted, I was extremely disappointed when I woke up, but I didn’t have any dreams last night.
37. New [Insanely Exciting Inaccessible Dangerous] Life
I was a new graduate student freshly arrived in the US and very poor, and I couldn’t afford a laptop, so the only way I could communicate with my family was to hit up the library and use a public computer to email with them. Eventually, my girlfriend back home wanted to Skype, and I wanted a little privacy for this if you know what I mean, so I set about finding the most private computer available to me in the library.
On a recon mission the day before the Skype, I located a single computer in a conference room and the next morning got up at 7am to account for the time difference and walked into the conference room with my eyes totally focused on the computer. I’d actually walked most of the way in before I realized there was a group of people around the conference table having a ridiculously early morning meeting.
The guy at the head of the table, apparently thinking I’d showed up for the meeting and that I was heading towards him, handed me a paper that said “agenda” and said he was so glad a graduate student had shown up, then launched into the most incomprehensible talk about electrodes and chemistry.
Meanwhile, I know my girlfriend is sitting halfway around the world thinking we’re going to have sexy time Skype and I’m blowing her off and I’m feeling desperate. But everything I knew about US culture was only based on movies, so I have no idea if I can just apologize and leave or what.
I miserably sat down for the incomprehensible meeting, rehearsing all the excuses I can give my girlfriend when we talk later. I was barely paying attention. Eventually, questions were directed at me and I confess that I’m a new grad student and I don’t know much about the equipment they’re talking about.
Everyone excitedly tells me all about it and I still don’t totally understand what they mean, except I’m starting to get that they’re going on a research expedition to [an insanely exciting inaccessible dangerous place] and they’re building a piece of equipment to bring with them.
By the end of the meeting, I am part of the project. Six months later I am in [an insanely exciting inaccessible dangerous place] helping to operate this equipment. I appear briefly in the background of a Discovery Channel documentary (only black guy within hundreds of miles so easy to spot). I happily transfer to this other lab and this other field for my fully paid and stipended PhD. I am considered a real go-getter, mainly based on my arrival at an early morning meeting no one else wanted to attend.
New major, new field, new life because I was too awkward to admit I had just been in the room to sexy skype with my girlfriend.
38. Don’t Mess With Tech Support
I was working in tech support at an ISP (internet service provider) on the afternoon/evening shift. It is a smaller ISP so tech support all sits in one office about a stone’s throw from each other. In the evenings there are only about 12 people working until about 7 pm when it drops to about seven people.
We got a call one night from a kid (sounded about 12) who was using a deep voice trying to get info on an IP address from us. This isn’t uncommon for kids who are gaming to call tech support to try and get information so they can DDOS (distributed denial of service) someone they are mad at. The first person he got followed protocol and asked if he had a warrant then hung up (We can’t give out that type of info to anyone without a warrant). Same thing happened to three other people over the course of about 15 minutes before he changed up his act.
I got him at that point and he said that he was agent something-or-other from the FBI and he needed info on the IP address (have you ever heard a 12 year old try to sound like an adult?). I played along and asked him if he had the account info he was looking for. He panicked at that point and said I should have it and John in customer service should have sent it to me.
I informed him there isn’t a John in customer service (They worked in the same office as us so I knew them all). He was quiet for a few seconds before he tentatively tried another name and I told him I know that person. He got super excited and it was kind of funny listening to him think he was getting through. I asked him for the account info because that person had not sent it to me and the kid hung up.
The next few attempts were the kid pretending to be one of my coworkers and telling people to give him the info. Granted this was at about 8:30pm and that specific coworker had gone home at 7. At that point we were getting annoyed and just hung up on him whenever we heard his voice.
As 9 pm rolled around, one of my coworkers was very upset that she hadn’t gotten him yet, she had this whole plan on what she was going to say to him and was super excited a few minutes after 9 when we all heard her yell across the office “I GOT THE IP GUY.” We all went on break or put calls on hold to come listen to what her plan was.
The kid was pretending to be our coworker again, which was very funny for us because the person he was talking to sits right next to the person he was imitating. She acted like she was going to give him everything, he gave her the IP address he wanted info on and she got him to sing like a bird on what he was looking for. After about a minute she said “Thank you sir, we just finished tracing your call and I am required to inform you that a member of the FBI will be swinging by shortly to pick you up to answer some questions.” We could hear the kid flip out for a few seconds over her headset and then he hung up.
We all lost it, that was the funniest thing we had all seen in a while and we didn’t hear from him again.
39. Chatting With The Dentist About A Fake Past
I moved to a new city, and got a new dentist. For some reason, the guy thinks I used to see him at his old practice in a town I’ve never lived in. I corrected him a couple times, but he just keeps bringing it up, so now I just kind of roll with it. He asks after my parents, which is easy enough… but we’ve had all kinds of conversations about local restaurants I’ve never been to and other random stuff like that.
40. So What Are You Thinking About?
She asked me: “What are you thinking about?” I said, “I’m trying to figure out the most efficient ways to present the sales model.” Not true. I spent the last ten minutes wondering how long will it take me to selectively breed bears to a smaller size so I can sell pet-house bears.
41. Mike Drop
My ex once told me that she was sick and that she therefore couldn’t go out with me that night. Fine, whatever. Well, I had previously been introduced to her best friend. For some reason, her best friend was mad at her on that particular night, and so she decided to call me up and let me know that my girlfriend was cheating on me with some guy named Mike.
She even told me what street he lived on. So, I drive down this street looking for her very unique car, with its easily-identifiable personalized license plate. At first, I didn’t see it anywhere. Then, as I’m starting to drive away, I suddenly notice that there’s a little alley behind the houses. Sure enough, there was her car.
I go back to the front door and knock. Some dude answers and I say “Is Mike here?” “Yeah, he’s up in his room” he says, pointing up the stairs by the door. “First door on the right?” “No, left.” Then this dude just stands aside to let me in. I walk up the stairs, open the door, and there’s my girlfriend putting her shirt back on.
“Hey guys, what’s going on?” I say. All she says is “WHAT THE HECK???!!!” while the dude ducks back into bed to hide under the blankets. She immediately goes into crazy-person mode, asking me how I found her and how I got inside, while this guy just keeps on saying “Dude, I did NOT know that she had a boyfriend! Why didn’t you tell me?” over and over again.
He was a short “little feller,” and at the time I was in the army and in the best shape of my life. The situation was so messed up that I just had to giggle a bit, but I quickly returned to reality and walked out of there before I lost control and physically hurt someone. The roommate who had let me in, even after hearing all the commotion, was just sitting there playing Playstation. I nodded to him on my way out and said “thanks” before continuing out the door.
42. House of Lies
Sued a bloke for not paying his mortgage. He filed an application claiming he’d never been served with the court proceedings, and he’d just found them in his front yard. He also managed in two pages to set out eleven separate claimed defences to the claim. Something didn’t stack up. So I ran some Court file searches, and discovered he’d defaulted on another mortgage a few years earlier and filed the exact same affidavit back then. Even included the exact same photos of the court documents supposedly lying in his yard. The case did not end well for him.
43. Painful Identity
A dude I knew was giving this girl some crap and she kicked him in the nuts. Ok, extreme reaction, but such is life. He doubled over in pain, but since he was kind of a jerk anyway, no one cared much. The next day (a Friday) his dad took him out of school for some reason. Then when he returned on Monday he learned that the big rumor was that his balls ruptured from the kick, and he had to get emergency surgery. Rather than correcting anyone, he went along with it.
This went on for years. People made fun of him, and he just joked about it. There were idiotic songs people sung about him. He laughed about it. Never denied it once, in fact participated in some of the joking at times. Finally, one day about three years later he comes clean. She didn’t even actually kick him in the balls, just in the gut and it really knocked the wind out of him. After all this time, the dude who got kicked in the balls was basically his identity. Strange turn of events.
44. Getting Out on a Technicality
I once had to explain that something was, in fact, impossible, and it wasn’t us just saying impossible to mean very tricky. Now the sales guys think I’m lazy for not trying to break the speed of light. I no longer say anything is possible. It’s always a “yes we can, buuuut…” And then tell them it will take two years to do. If we had budget. Which we don’t. I just remembered that after I was asked if we could do the breaking the laws of physics thing thing, before I could answer, I was told, “By the way, I already told the client we could do this, so I don’t want to have to go back to them and say no.”
45. The Fine Print
I walked by as my buddy was clicking “yes” on “Have you read the terms and conditions?” I called him out on that.
46. Trick or Treat
I caught my mom eating my Halloween candy when I was little after she told me it wasn’t her. Getting new candy from the store because of it was pretty satisfying.
47. No More Birthdays
A new coworker of mine tried downplaying his bday and eventually after me hounding him about why he didn’t like celebrating, he eventually told me in confidence that his best friend was killed on his birthday and he hates thinking about it. Fast forward eight years—this guy and I had become really good friends. Best friends. Lived together at one point. He was accepted into my friend group and I always made sure to downplay his bday (his is four days after another friend) so we just did a group thing and never made a big deal about it. Finally, someone got brave enough and wanted to talk to him about it, and he laughed and had no recollection of telling me that and said he was probably just screwing with me. He always wondered why no one wished him a happy bday.
48. That’s Actually a Pretty Smart Plan…
I started asking around: “Have you heard of anyone with a laptop for sale for cheap? I just started school and I really need one.” Actually I was trying to find the street kid who stole my best friend’s laptop. Managed to get some info and pass it along and today her boyfriend called me to tell me he tracked it down and the jerk was in the back of a cop car for theft. Yay! She got it back!
49. Driving Everyone Crazy
My freshman year of high school, there was a girl who claimed to have her driver’s license already, even though we were all too young. It was pretty funny to see her face when she showed up in my driver’s ed class that you needed to complete before getting your license. The very next day at lunch, she tried to lie about it again.
So I told her to show everyone her license to prove it. She tried to make up some story, so I told everybody that she was lying and that I had seen her in my class. She also once got caught telling the volleyball team that her brother was dead—and when someone said something to her mom about it, it came out that she never even had a brother…
50. Story Thief
I had some hip pain when I was about 13 and got an x-ray and the tech asked me if I was pregnant and I said, “No, what?? I’m only 13,” and the tech said, “We always ask, because we didn’t ask a 12 year old once and she was…” A few years later I told my friend the story as an interesting anecdote and she repeated my story back to me a few weeks later. I was like, “Oh what were you being x-rayed?” and she said she didn’t remember and I just nodded and let it go.
51. Suddenly Steve
My husband’s best friend has a six-year-old daughter that I see often. When she was almost three she babbled something to me (I think it was “My friends here!”) and my husband interpreted it as “My friend Steve!” and started calling me Steve in front of her.
Now her whole family calls me Steve when she’s around, and she still believes that’s my name. For clarity, I’m a female and my name isn’t anything close to Steve.
52. A Little White Lie Goes a Little Too Far
When I was little my mom and dad used to tell me that at night the night-mice, who lived inside the walls of our house, would come out and protect me from bad dreams, but for them to do that I would have to prepare a bowl of pistachio nuts and peanuts. So for several years almost every evening I sat there for hours cracking and peeling nuts until my fingers hurt and put the bowl on the living room table. The next day the nuts would be gone and I felt all happy and content.
One day I asked whether there really were any night-mice inside our house and my dad had to start laughing. From that day on I knew that they had been using me as a nutcracker so that they could watch movies eating nuts while I was asleep. But it was okay he said, because I was happy about the mice eating the nuts and having no nightmares and they were happy too. Hmm, one day your kids will find out that you’ve lied to them and for that day you better prepare some good explanations.
53. Say Cheese!
I was waiting at a red light behind a red BMW. I happened to notice that its bumper was kind of messed up. The light turns green, and he starts going. I slowly begin to accelerate like any normal human. Then, all of a sudden, he slams on his brakes and I do the same. I didn’t hit him at all. He then reverses directly into my car, turns on his hazards, and pulls into the parking lot of a nearby shopping complex.
We exchange information. I remain absolutely calm the entire time. Later, at small claims court (after rejecting his claim with my insurance):
Him: Yes, your honor, he rear-ended me, and therefore owes me $5 thousand in damages—including a new paint job, plus an additional thousand for emotional distress, as I have needed physical therapy ever since.
Judge (looking over at me): And you say that you have a video of the entire incident?
Me: Yes I do, sir.
Hands DVD to bailiff.
Dashcam video clearly shows his fraud.
Judge: So, is that you in the video?
He literally got arrested and had to pay me over $5 thousand in damages. Get a dashcam people!
54. You Are Now My Girlfriend
I have one. A good friend of mine did not have an umbrella on a very rainy day. One of her coworkers offered her a lift home. One lift home turned into two, then three, until he was shuttling her to and from work every day for months. This coworker is also a very good baker, he would make these lovely cakes and pastries and offer them to her which she politely took, every day.
Then one afternoon, on her way home, he stops and picks up his parents. He happily introduces her as his girlfriend. She was shocked by this title to say the least. They proceeded to invite her to a family gathering over the long weekend to meet EVERYONE. His parents, they were so nice, she accepted because she didn’t have the heart to embarrass the guy. She went to the gathering, met with other family members and he kept introducing her as his girlfriend. She never worked up the nerve to correct or stop him. Long story short they are now married.
To clarify: Yes, this is a very real story. The man is incredibly socially awkward. He liked his coworker for a long time, so driving her home and baking cakes was his way of “working up the nerve” to talk to a pretty girl. She always thought he was sweet and kind but since he was never forward with his feelings, she only saw him as a friend. I am outside of the US so there is a culture difference for some readers. However, this is still a bizarre courtship story in my country.
After the family gathering, they sat down and had a long talk about their feelings and expectations and he finally asked her out on a proper date. They went on to date for two years and have been happily married for the past five.
55. Liar and a Thief
At work one day a co-worker started telling me and another co-worker a story about being stopped by the police.
He went into great detail about how he stopped at a gas station for a drink and there were two cops standing out front and nobody else in the parking lot. He gave the cops a wave, being nice, bought his drink, and left.
Less than a hundred feet down the street these same two cops pulled him over. They told him that they smelled weed when he got out of the car. He asked the cops if they could smell it now, standing next to his open window, they said no but it was obvious it came from him. They asked if they could search his car, which he angrily let them, telling them he wanted the cops to climb through his hot car to find nothing. While one cop did the “Search” the other cop told him to calm down, he looked nervous. To which he said “I’m not pissed, I’m angry. You didn’t smell weed, you smelled a shaved head and tattoos.” The cops found nothing and let him go about his business.
It was MY story. It happened to ME months before and I told that story at work back then. He even quoted me, except I said “Long hair and tattoos.” A few minutes into the story my other co-worker and I start giving each other the side eye, realizing he was literally telling me my own story. I think he realized it towards the end because he quickly finished up the story and left without ever mentioning it again.
We never brought it up either, I had such a bad case of second-hand embarrassment for the guy. Plus everybody else already heard about it and he was forever branded the liar.
56. Awkward Dinner Date
I didn’t want to go to dinner with the gang from work, including my boss, so I told them I was having dinner with my wife and her parents. I lied. I get home, wife wants to go out to dinner. So, we head to the restaurant, and just as we’re getting near the door, I see the work gang with my loudmouth boss all piling out of their cars. What are the odds of us picking the same restaurant? Damn. Busted.
There was an old couple walking into the restaurant in front of us. I held the door for them and insisted they join us for dinner. They were quite perplexed but accepted my offer of a free dinner. It was the most uncomfortable dinner ever. They had no clue who we were, none of us had any shared interests… they rushed through dinner, thanked us, and got the hell away from what I’m sure they thought were a couple of weirdos.
57. I’m Sorry to Hear That
Every day, people ask me, “Hey, how are you?” and I say “I’m good.” No, I’m not good. My girlfriend left me for another guy, every date I have had since doesn’t go past a hug and “best of luck, take care,” and I’m really freaking hungover.
58. Evaluating the Evaluation
I was being evaluated for job performance by a boss who clearly had an ax to grind with me. Naturally, she wrote up an unflattering report. She was not impressed when I went to her supervisor and brought up the fact that she had never actually observed me on the job, that her report had changed three or four times before the final one had come out, and that she had contradicted her previous report from only three months prior in her final one. It was painfully clear to everyone that the eval was completely biased.
59. Major League Liar
I come from a small-ish town. Brother made it into the MLB (Major League Baseball). Was at the grocery store with my dad (who was wearing the MLB team’s jacket at the time), and the checker says to us “you know I helped that kid get to the majors.” My Dad just politely pulled out his ID and told him to check the last name. Checker just laughed embarrassingly, immediately shut up, and gave us extra monopoly tickets for our time.
60. No Beers For You
Wasn’t a drinker in high school so to shut down peer pressure I told them I was born with half a liver and drinking anything could make me very sick or kill me. The lie just became natural and followed me to college. Was out with some friends playing pool and decided to have a beer. When I came back, a buddy slapped it out of my hand thinking I was suicidal. Then the explanations began…
61. Sometimes It Doesn’t Take Much
Last night encountered two drunken girls attempting to lift a rock. They asked me to help them lift it. My response? “Sorry, I don’t have any arms.” I very clearly have arms.
62. Won the Battle, Lost the War
I called my mom out for smoking while pregnant, and for continuing to do so while nursing. No one believed me. I got whooped, grounded, and ostracized by my whole family. Six years later, my parents were getting a divorce. My mom admits in court that she had smoked while she was pregnant and while she was nursing. I felt triumphant because I was vindicated. But really, as “triumphant” as that moment was, the whole incident really messed up my relationship with my family, and I’ve suffered a lot because of it.
63. Period Pain
One of my staff (who is, unfortunately, family with the owner so he’s not getting canned anytime soon) is the biggest liar I have ever met. We’ll call him Jim. He lies about everything, regardless of importance. He’s been caught in lies multiple times and really just doesn’t care. If someone is sick, guaranteed he will be off the next day having “caught” whatever someone had.
My whole department is female (5 females) except for him. One day almost all of us were suffering from some horrible period cramps. Everyone was complaining about the pain but no one said it was because of their period, because it’s usually pretty obvious why. The HR department has a wonderful supply of meds and so I had to empty their stock of midol and heat pads. Some of the staff was teasing that they will bring chocolate as a peace offering before entering our department.
The next day he emails in that he’s sick and he caught the horrible stomach bug all the ladies in the department had. He’s so sore he can’t move, has a migraine, blah blah. Word spread quickly and Jim has forever been mocked as the dude who had to take time off work for his period. He won’t be let go but he does get his pay docked when he flakes off like this. It was worth it to be able to make fun of him forever.
64. Accidental Pet Duck
I told my parents I bought a duck when I was 20 to tease them. I found a picture online of one and sent it to them. Sadly, they believed me. They got overly excited about their “grand-duck” and told my whole family. I ended up buying a duck…
65. An Elaborate Chain of Lies
Told my boss just now that I’m leaving work early today for a doctor’s appointment. I don’t feel well. Truth is I have an interview at 3 pm. They received my resume submitted last night and want to talk ASAP. Not feeling well is a lead-in for me to take tomorrow off because I have another interview, with a different company than the one today.
66. We All Scream for Ice Cream
My best friend’s favorite story is from when she was working at McDonald’s. She was on drive-thru duty and a guy came by complaining about some bad ice cream that he had purchased earlier. That’s when everyone who worked there gathered around the window to watch. My friend casually let this person know that they haven’t had a working ice cream machine at this location in over four months. Person had no reply.
67. Lying Clients
In a large business meeting, boardroom style. Something went wrong on a project my company did. The executives were nervous because we were being blamed for a failure and the client was demanding we pay for it. The thing is I was the project manager for this job, and had recently been promoted. I warned the client about a potential problem when the project was underway, but they chose to ignore it and press on. Now that it was failing they wanted us to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to fix it, and our competitors were already about to take the next multimillion $ project.
So the client’s manager outlines his case and asks when he can expect us to fix it for him, assuming we’ll just cave in hopes of getting future business (that’s my company’s MO). They even said our on-site Rep should have caught the problem so this whole thing was our fault. Our project manager clearly didn’t know what he was doing otherwise he would have caught this. My boss was about to respond, but I gently interrupted. I basically said “I was the on-site PM and did catch the problem immediately. I have a few documents for your perusal.”
I had with me the printed email exchange where I warned about the problem and advised how to fix it, as well as the client’s very clear response that they thought it was worth the risk and wouldn’t change anything. The client’s face turned red. He looked at my bosses and said they should have told him who I was. We wound up paying for the fix anyway in exchange for being awarded the next project. This kind of thing happens constantly in my business, though usually on a much smaller, less grand, and less public scale.
68. Raspberry Pi Lies
I was looking for a job and I didn’t want to be a fast food manager anymore so I fluffed out my resume with computer skills I didn’t have. I was contacted by a recruiter who asked me some questions to gauge my abilities and I straight googled the answers as he was asking them. When I went to the interview, the boss had all of these circuit boards sitting all over his desk. I recognized them as Raspberry Pis from Reddit, so I asked what he was using them for.
The rest of the interview was just this guy bragging about all of these projects he had going on. He might as well have been speaking Greek. I just feigned interest and said wow a lot. I’m hired. Who knows how this happened but I have literally googled every problem I have been given. Day 543, they still think I know what I’m doing. I’m making 1.5 times what I was making as a manager. I have a GED for chrissakes.
69. It’s Mine, Mine, All Mine!!
I recently told my five-year-old we are out of candy. There is plenty of candy. And it’s mine.
70. Total Eclipse of the Art
Someone stole my art back in high school. They used it and paraded it around as their own, after they had asked me to draw them something for free—which I only did because I was 17 years old and stupid. They even tried to pass the piece that I drew for them off as their own at a school art exhibit. I was furious and mortified.
As soon as I saw the person, I confronted him in the hallway about it in front of dozens of people. All of my friends knew about my art style and would recognize it instantly, but these strangers obviously didn’t—so they were very intrigued by my accusations. I loudly said, “You’re a talentless piece of trash, you freaking art thief. You stole my art! That picture was drawn by me, not you!”
The guy just stood there staring at me, saying nothing in response. His friends even left his side at that point, wanting to avoid any further embarrassment. He got called to the principal’s office and his parents got called in as well. He made a phone call to his parents while I sat in the office lobby, and I heard him apologize to his dad for having gotten into trouble.
I then got to listen and watch him as he attempted to explain what he had done to his parents. It was awesome. Screw that lying pile of garbage, he deserved the humiliation that he got!
71. Greedy Landlord
When I moved out of a house I had been renting years ago, the landlady decided that she wanted to keep my security deposit. We had been on friendly terms for the 5+ years I had lived there, she even invited me to dinner parties at her house. I had been a model tenant, so I don’t know why she turned on me aside from pure greed. When I persisted in asking her for the money she started making up reasons to keep it, claiming that she had to do costly cleanup of some mess I allegedly left.
By luck, before things went sour I had arranged to store some furniture at the property until I was ready for it. When I went to retrieve it, it was obvious that the property was exactly as I had left it, and the details of what she had claimed were entirely false. She had no answer when I confronted her with this fact, and she finally grudgingly paid up. I still see her around and she tries to act like nothing ever happened, but she is dead to me. How someone can let a little money trump all reason and integrity is beyond me.
72. Kidding Yourself Into A Kink
I playfully said if she acted up once more she’d get the belt. It turned out she was super into BDSM and it was surprisingly fun to do, knowing she was into it. Now I guess I’m a sadist.
73. Scapegoating a Colleague at a Terrible Time
This reminds me of a horrible, horrible incident. I had a bad take away one night and had to work the next day. I went and took one of the messiest dumps of my life, I needed like half a roll to wipe and it stank like cheese scraped from between Satan’s toes and roasted with old dog hair. I flushed and the bowl just filled all the way to the top.
I started shoving the toilet brush down there and it just broke up the stuff and turned the toilet water brown and thick with all the toilet paper mixed in there. I was sweating like a dog in a car wishes it could. I kept on going, trying to shove that crap down to pipe but it wasn’t going anywhere. I quickly opened the door and split like a fat man’s pants.
I rushed back to my desk, bright red and sweaty. I knew the hallway smelled like crap and the office would all be asking who it was eventually and whispering their theories. I knew my sweaty red face would give me away but nothing happened. No one said a word until the next day when we came into work and someone else tried to flush it again resulting in the bowl overflowing my brown hell-chocolate soup all over the floor. The guy who flushed it ended up inadvertently taking the blame, no one believed it wasn’t him who did the deed. I got away with it scot free but I’ve never been the same since. That poor guy.
When I was young, I had these tiny magnetic figures that I always loved to play with. One time, I was at a friend’s house and I had just bought a new pair of them. When I was about to go home, I noticed that one was suddenly missing. I got very sad and asked my friend if he had seen it. He said no. But I knew that he had always been the liar type of guy, so I searched his pockets.
I found it right there in his back pocket. He started saying stuff like, “I didn’t know it was there, it must have been my brother that took it!” I felt like an awesome detective afterward.
75. Caught Red-Handed
I was around 15 years old and had a package delivered to my house. My neighbor came over, paced back and forth in front of the door before smoothly opening our gate, coming to the door, and picking up my package. I opened the door as she was walking off and she turned white as a ghost when she heard the door open.
When I asked her what she was doing with my package, she explained to me that she was going to protect it for me, that she didn’t know it was mine (?), before I demanded she hand over my package and leave. I snapped at this lady, which was abnormal for shy little 15-year-old me. I was furious because what was inside that package was a gift for my mother, who was at work at the time. I’ll never forget that.
76. Working Up The Ladder One Spreadsheet At A Time
“Yea I’d say I’m pretty good with Excel.” No. No I wasn’t. Annnnnnd now I’m an analyst at a Fortune 400 company.
77. I Know You Are, But What Am I?
A dude once tried to falsely accuse two of the kindest souls out there of forcing themselves onto a girl. So, I simply asked him “How do you know the details if you weren’t there?” He just stared at me blankly for a minute before saying “She (as in, the girl) told me.” He didn’t see her standing in the crowd and listening to all this, but I did. So, I just asked her, “Hey, is this true?”
She said no, it was not—and that, in reality, he (the accuser) was the one who had actually tried to force himself on her, while Nice Dude 1 and Nice Dude 2 were actually there to save her.
78. Nightmare Renters
I helped an older woman who mistakenly rented a room in her house to the most evil family I’ve ever met. She offered the two rooms and private bathroom to the family of four because the house they were renting caught fire and they were forced out into a hotel. She just wanted to help. Took them out to dinners and all the insane things you’d imagine the nicest person in the world to do.
So they stabbed her in the back. Never paid rent. Abused the heck out of her laundry machine and ate her food.
So I went over one day and could hear the toilet running from the hallway. They didn’t care about wasting water. So I grabbed a recorder and knocked on the door asking if I could come in and check on the running toilet. The mother just banged on the door back at me so loud it sounded like she was going to break the door. Then shouted at me through the door about how she was going to bury the old woman in the back yard.
She eventually let me in, I fixed the toilet and moved on to other projects around the house. Figured that was over with. NOPE. About 15 mins later I see a cop car in the driveway. Ok, this is BS, but I guess I should go talk to them. Cop sees me coming and as soon as I was within earshot he starts lecturing me about how illegal it is to harass tenants.
I stopped him and said “You’re yelling at me without even asking for my side of the story. Would you like to hear what actually happened?” So I played the recording. He spun around and unleashed fury on this woman for lying to him. All the while I stood there smiling at her from over his shoulder. I’ll never forget that feeling of actual justice in the middle of an eight-month-long nightmare.
79. Doing What You Got To Do To Protect Your Brother
People picked on my brother in high school for getting jumped by some wannabe “blood” thugs in the bathroom. Popular thugs, if you can believe it. It was relentless. His confidence and any friendships were crushed, cause, you know, people can’t be seen with the loser. One day I was confronted by said thugs, basically talking crap about my brother, and in my infinite wisdom, I said I could box so they better back off. Something to that effect. Looking back, I cringe, but you do what you have to.
Needless to say, they did not back off. Somehow, I landed a punch on one of the kids that dislocated his jaw. Like, flapping around like a mouthpiece hanging from a football helmet. I became the kid who could “box” but never wanted to fight, which I guess gave me credibility. I don’t really know. Everyone and their hyenas came to me asking where they could learn said boxing skills, how I’d learned by 16, all that crap.
I’d wanted to just come out and say I had been lucky, but I didn’t want anyone to give my brother trouble again. So the lie stayed. Luckily, no one ever picked on my brother afterward, and I did eventually learn some boxing fundamentals, but mostly because I felt like I was living a lie. Which I was. As a man, I have not had to keep up the facade.
80. You Used to Call Me on My Cell Phone
My ex-husband: “No, I am not having an affair!”
Me: “Well then why do I have two hundred pages worth of IMs, texts, and emails with explicit content sent between you and this girl?”
Him: “I, uh, I was hacked!”
Me: “For 4 and a half years?”
Me: “How did the hackers get these 37 photos of you in the nude?”
Him: (and I kid you not, he really said this): “That’s not me.”
Spoiler: it was definitely him. It clearly showed his unique birthmark, his pasty fatness, and every other distinguishing feature about him. Nice try, hubby!
81. Sick Lie
I used to work at a grocery store. One of my coworkers was constantly calling in sick, claiming she had one illness or another. Management couldn’t just can her for it as it was a union shop, so she had protection unless she could be caught in a bald-faced and indefensible lie. One Friday I get called in to cover her shift because she called in claiming she was very sick and needed a kidney transplant.
On her next shift on Monday she’s wandering around with gauze wrapped around her stomach and back claiming that she had that kidney transplant on the weekend. That she had been so sick that they rushed her into surgery and put her at the top of the transplant list! When she does it to me I stop her and say “Isn’t the recovery time on a transplant at least a month or two? The hospital shouldn’t have let you out.”
Realizing I’ve caught her in a lie she rushes to the front desk, claims she shouldn’t be here and that she needs to go home or she’ll pop her surgery stitches. A few days later she was fired when she couldn’t provide proof of the surgery, she tried to sue but no lawyer would take her case. It was absolutely hilarious.
82. Playing With Jack
When I was 14 years old I played with a group of other kids on stage during the 2008 Hawaii International Ukulele Festival. Jack Johnson was performing and we were behind him strumming along. Hundreds of us. This story has turned so thoroughly into “I played on stage side by side with him just the two of us” that I can’t correct people anymore and just shamefully accept the oohs and ahhs when it gets retold.
83. The Wearing of the Green
I was at a music festival that requires guests to wear a white bracelet, while the musicians are required to wear a green one. This random guy was trying to impress a female friend of mine. He was telling her that he’s a musician and that he’s playing a gig the next day and that she should come watch. He was using the musician thing to basically get her to like him.
I was there with her the whole time, listening to the guy. Finally, at the end of his long session of bragging and attempted flirting, I just bluntly asked him why he was wearing a general admission white bracelet instead of a green one. He was confused. I then explained to him how the bracelets worked.
My friend and I had a nice little chuckle while he awkwardly walked away.
84. Not Made of Stars
A co-worker briefly dated a guy but broke up with him when he was demeaning to her over her career. The last thing he said to her was, “I guess you and I aren’t made of the same stardust.” A couple months later, she checks his Instagram and, lo and behold, “our little miracle has been born,” with photos of him, a woman, and a newborn infant. She did the math and realized that the whole time they were dating, he had a pregnant girlfriend he never mentioned. I guess they weren’t made of the same stardust after all!
85. Swimming In Lavender
Once my boyfriend’s mom asked me if I liked their bathroom soap. It’s lavender, I don’t like lavender. But I decided to tell her “I love it, it smells so good!” Now I have an endless supply, she buys me some all the time. It’s too sweet to tell her the truth, so I just keep it to myself and use the mediocre-smelling soap. Oh well, this is how I live now.
86. He Would Have Found out Eventually Anyway…
My buddy was dating my roommate. They then broke up, which made things awkward for me. Well, after a few days, she suddenly went all crazy on him and told him that they needed to get back together right away because she was pregnant. A few days later, I started noticing that the stash of feminine products that my roommate always kept under the sink was mysteriously dwindling away. Upon hearing this news from me, I’ve never seen a more relieved person in my life. He called her out on it and they broke up again—this time for good.
87. Academic Dishonesty
Wasn’t me, but a professor caught a student plagiarizing an essay… as she [the student] was reading it aloud to the class. “That’s an excellent essay by my friend, Dr._____ you’re reading. Please keep reading it until the end.” He made her stand in front of us and kept going until “her presentation” was over.
88. Not Even Close
Not me but my Dad. We moved and he was convinced the postman’s name was “Ger,” as in short for Gerry. He greeted him by it, nearly every day for about ten years. We even gave him a Christmas card which he displayed down in the sorting office. Fast forward and we have a temporary postman, my Mum asking him after a few weeks “When is Ger coming back?” This was met with stunned silence and a puzzled look, with a resounding “Who is Ger? No one works in the locality by that name.” Turns out, his name is Declan and he was too nice to correct my Dad for close to a decade.
An acquaintance of mine tried telling another friend of mine that we were dating. I told him to stop his ridiculous lies and stay away from me. Sometime later, after about six months to a year, I bumped into him again and we talked for a little bit. He then tried to claim that he was now dating a colleague of his who I had once met.
I didn’t believe him for a second, so I found her on Facebook and asked her about it. As I had suspected all along, it was a total lie. In fact, the guy almost lost his job as a result of this. However, it was a weird feeling busting him. On the one hand, I loved the thrill of the takedown. On the other hand, I just felt sorry for him.
90. Olympic-Sized Lies
Oohhh boy. So in college, I had this friend who was a very good pole vaulter. Seriously, one of the top in the state for his division. This was back in 2008. He tells ALL of his family, and friends, and even his boss that he was recruited to compete in the Beijing Olympics. Well his close friends, including myself, already smell a lie, but when the “day” comes he is nowhere to be found. In fact, we didn’t see him for a couple of days, and he started texting pics from Beijing.
So we were doubting ourselves a bit. Then we were driving along the freeway, and guess who’s broken down on the side of the road like two days after he left? Mr. Olympian! When we pulled over the look on his face was priceless. He stood by his story too, and said because of the time difference he already went and came back. Haha he’s an idiot. I still don’t know what he had to gain from such an elaborate fake story. Bonus, all the “pics from Beijing” were from a google image search of Beijing Olympics.
91. Unhappy Marriage
“I love you” turned into 11 years of marriage, two kids and a divorce. I was a young, dumb kid who just wanted to help his insecure girlfriend feel better.
92. Sounds More Like Brain Freeze Than Freezer Burn
I had a customer once call up the store that I worked at and say that she had bought these ice cream sandwiches there the week before, only to get home and find that they were all freezer-burned. She was super aggressive and was angrily yelling at me, so I very politely asked her to please confirm which exact product she had bought so that we could take it from there.
She yelled the name of it at me. When I said the name back to her, she shouted “Yes, that one! That’s what I’ve been telling you this whole time, dummy!” So I just calmly said, “Ma’am, we discontinued that product over six months ago.” All of a sudden, she started to stutter a bit and then abruptly hung up. I was nineteen years old, it was the first job I had ever had, and that moment was SO SATISFYING.
93. Parking Violation
I travel for work. 90% of the time I park in economy at the airport (I think $14 per day). About a 10 to 15 min walk. A few times out of necessity to catch a flight I park in the garage (I think $24 per day, 5 min walk). Usually 2 to 3-day trips, not a huge expense. My boss suggests I park in Off-Site Shuttle parking (about $11 a day, but a pain in the ass as you need a bunch more time to plan for the shuttle). He said he does it because it is cheaper for the company (which he owns).
One day while walking through the garage from on-site economy, there in the reserved parking (closest and like $40 per day) is my boss’s truck. And reserved takes planning, he wasn’t just running late and needed to park in the garage to make a flight. I just put my business card under his wiper. I never brought it up, and I haven’t heard any complaints about parking on my expense reports since.
94. From No Kevin To All Kevin
This is one that doesn’t bother me. I had a coworker with memory issues or dementia and he called me Kevin once in awhile, not my name obviously. It made me laugh and one of my coworkers started calling me Kevin and telling new employees that’s my name. This was three years ago and it is still going.
At the same time, I told my son who thought it was hilarious, and somehow it morphed into me calling him Kevin, and my cat too. So I would yell downstairs, “Kevin, is Kevin down there?” My son told his best friend, and they started calling each other Kevin. Now when I see my son’s friend I call him Kevin. For this story to come full circle, my son and said friend came to my office and I introduced them as my son Kevin and his friend Kevin.
Also, my sister now calls my son Kevin. The coworker who calls me Kevin calls my son Kev-dog and we call my son Kevie when he starts acting like a tool, to make it sound like we are talking to a 9-year-old (he’s 16). When I come in in the morning I flip the same coworker off and call him Kevin. There is a guy I hate who tried to get in on the Kevin craze and I shunned him. Want more? When we go out to a restaurant or Starbucks or whatever, I use Kevin as the name, and it makes us all laugh.
Yes, the kindle is named Kevin on Amazon.
And my wifi, of course.
95. Cheaters Never Prosper
I knew my ex-wife was cheating but didn’t tell her that I knew. Took her out to dinner and I casually asked questions about who she had been spending time with while I was at sea, she barely worked so she had to spend her time doing something. She failed to mention the guy that had been staying at my house for nearly 2 months, the guy she had to call the cops on just to get to leave because I was coming home in two days…soooo I slid her a copy of the police report that was filed for the incident and watched as she crumbled over the fact she had been caught, and I didn’t have to say a word.
96. Hunting for Problems
Brother of mine caught his wife cheating. Her phone would always be going off and she would hide it. He got curious, looked into it, and found some guy had been texting her for a few months. She said she was going to stay home because she had to catch up on homework over the weekend. My brother and I went on our hunting trip and he told me about it.
We never left the city, we went to my house and stayed there till it got dark, then drove back to his neighborhood in my neighbor’s car. She sent him a picture of her at home saying she was going to go to bed early that night. Well, we snuck close to the house after a car parked down the street and a guy walked to the house and let himself in.
My brother was fuming at this point and wanted to beat the crap out of the guy. I settled him down and told him to think about the long run. We snuck up to the house and using the night vision camera got video of them bumping uglies in the living room. My brother wanted to confront this guy at this point so… I did something messed up and called the cops. I said I heard a lot of yelling from the house and asked if they could go check. It kept my brother from messing with the dude (a coworker of hers).
Cops show up, take statements. We leave and the next day he pulls her iMessages off the email account and talks to a lawyer. We give the lawyer the messages and when we show up five days later from our “hunting trip,” he calls her and says he got something wild and wants her to come out and see it.
When she comes out he gives her divorce papers and kicks her out of the house. She had the police do a civil stand by while she got her stuff a few days later. House was his before they got married so all she got to keep was some stuff they bought together and her car. No kids and the prenup nullified the alimony she could have gotten as he made way more money than her.
The guy she was sleeping with had a record. We saw her a few months later, she tried talking to my wife and said she missed my brother and she was sorry, the guy and her broke up shortly after the divorce.
97. Check the Texts
Ex girlfriend told me she was going to a “girls only” pool party with some of her fellow waitresses from the restaurant she worked at.
I had felt something weird going on for a bit and had put a lot of effort into making that night a surprise “date night.” I worked that morning, while she worked in the evening. While she was at work I cleaned the whole apartment (that we shared), cooked a fancy surf and turf dinner with filet mignon, lobster tails, butter pasta, expensive wine, etc. Also rented a few movies I knew she would like. So when after dinner she suddenly told me she was going to this pool party at around 10 pm (!!!) and I couldn’t come I was pretty exasperated and knew something was not right.
Noticed she was putting her phone face down every time she received a text about this party. While she is putting on her sexiest bikini to wear under her clothes on her way over to this party I decide to look at the phone and it’s some dude from her work (under the name Angela in her phone), telling her he can’t wait to see her, can’t stop thinking about the other night, etc. Scroll down a bit and they even said they loved each other. There’s not really a worse feeling in the world when you are in love with someone and they do that to you.
She comes back into the room and queue one of the worst nights I’ve ever had as she blames all of this on me not proposing to her quickly enough (we were 22, relatively poor, and in college and I did want very much to marry her). She trashes the apartment, breaks the screen off of my laptop, cuts up a few of my favorite shirts, and breaks MY phone after going through it looking for some sort of justification for her actions and finding none by throwing it at the wall and stomping on it. But hey…it was satisfying knowing that I wasn’t going crazy and I learned some valuable life lessons.
98. Family Values
My mother is a terrible person. And I don’t say that lightly. She has stolen medication from me after I had oral surgery. On two occasions (a decade apart from each other), she stole my identity and my sibling’s, opened several fraudulent credit card accounts in our names, maxed them out (tens of thousands of dollars), and never made a single payment.
She tells people that she’s a nurse when she barely even finished high school. She also often makes up extravagant and potentially damaging lies, all of which she believes she’ll never be caught for. Yes, she’s a terrible person, but my dad isn’t—so when my now-adult daughter was an adolescent, my mother was allowed to spend time with her.
A few years ago, I’d lost my job, was having trouble finding employment, and had to trade in my sports car for a Sedan so that I could drive rideshare to make ends meet. My mother told my daughter and several relatives that my car had been repossessed for nonpayment. It was upsetting, but I knew just what I had to do.
I took great satisfaction in clearing by name by showing the dealership papers to my daughter, my relatives, and yes, the shrewish, lying old jerk herself as well. The aftermath was both hilarious and sad, as she tends to have a vile temper.
99. What It Takes To Be A Nurse
So I’m a visiting nurse and started seeing a patient three days/week for wound care. He was a paraplegic and didn’t get out much or have many visitors. He offered me a cup of coffee one morning, but I didn’t know him very well yet and was uneasy about drinking something out of unknown person’s kitchen. Plus, we are really not supposed to, but I could tell he just needed a little company.
I told him I drink it black to keep it simple, never planning to have another cup. Next day, I come in and notice a little sticky note on his counter that said “Remember to make fresh pot of coffee for Rachael.” It was so touching to me that I went early every single appointment from that day forward to have a cup of black coffee.
I hate black coffee but I felt it was too late to tell him I liked creamer after all. I drank black coffee with him for 3.5 years and he became a good friend until he passed away…
100. Don’t Let Sleeping Babes Lie
I worked daycare and was told to never accept babies sleeping in car seats or sleeping children at all. So if Mom or Dad brought a kid asleep, I immediately woke them up and pulled them out of their car seat. This made so many parents displeased with me but it’s policy.
I used to think it was to help the kid be on a schedule, then one day a grandma brought a baby asleep and he was not waking up at all. Just would raise his head, whimper, and go back to sleep. Immediately my boss called 911 and grandma was trying to downplay “he had a rough night, he’s just tired, etc.” I knew this baby, he wouldn’t sleep if he thought he was going to miss out, we had music playing and kids loudly singing and dancing. In the chaos, grandma slipped out and at some point, someone called the parents.
Turns out Granny had a history of giving kids stuff to knock them out when she babysat, but this time she did it to a six-month-old and that’s why he wouldn’t wake up. I think they pumped the kid’s stomach and he had a stay at the hospital. Legal actions were taken and the family moved away.
To clarify, the policy was put in place because my boss knew abusers have been known to do this. They’d break the kid’s arm, dose them, dump them with the sitter who lets the baby asleep all morning then because the kid was with the sitter all day, it’s easy to blame them for the baby’s injury. Or worse, the baby died and they do this to blame the sitter.
So yea, to this day if I’m babysitting, I don’t accept sleeping children. I flat out refuse to watch kids at their home while they’re sleeping for the same reason. I’ve pretty much stopped doing any child care because as much as I love kids, watching parents make bad decisions on purpose when they know better, was killing my soul.