A lot of marriage vows include the phrase “Love is patient, love is kind.” But when it comes to weddings, it’s a whoooole other story. From cruel bridezillas to chilling objections, these weddings prove that tying the knot can be more of a nightmare than a dream come true.
1. Blast That Past
The ex-girlfriend of the groom showed up at the wedding…uninvited and drunk. He broke up with her 10 years earlier and had not seen her in over eight years. She was loud and saying very graphic things about what she wanted to do to the groom. The bride, who’s normally a calm and peaceful person, steps up, goes all out, and punches the ex in the face. This tiny woman knocked her husband’s ex out cold.
A few of us carried the ex out of the reception and dropped her at her apartment about 20 minuted away. The bride told my wife that “there is nothing that will ruin my wedding day.”
2. Getting a Second Opinion
The groom’s dad interrupted the wedding to ask the bride’s father to confirm whether or not she was truly a virgin. I couldn’t believe my ears! Truly a weird and embarrassing moment to witness.
3. The Ceremony That Will Make Your Jaw Drop
My buddy had a wedding about 15 years ago. We thought he had found the perfect woman, she was so nice all the time, hot as a bonfire, and from what we understood from manly banter as well as her own jokes at the poker table, amazing in bed. Wedding time comes round, “Does anyone have a lawful objection?” From there, everything unraveled.
His dad objects because he hadn’t found a way to tell everyone that he cheated on my buddy’s mom decades ago. But get this: the “other woman” was the bride’s mother. And guess what? The bride was my buddy’s half-sister. Apparently, only the parents knew the truth. A DNA test later confirmed it. Now my friend is in therapy because “the best love and lay of my life was my sister!”
4. In-Law for Now
The groom looked drunk and the bride seemed incredibly angry. Then there was this woman walking around during the reception placing bets on when they would divorce. I later found out she was the mother of the groom.
5. Having a Blast
My wife dragged me to a wedding that I did not want to go to—but I’m forever grateful that she did, because I was able to witness one of the greatest spectacles of human drama that has ever taken place. This was like an episode of Jerry Springer mixed with Cops. The bride’s secret lover objected in the middle of the ceremony: “I’ll be darned if I’m gonna keep my mouth shut and let you steal my woman!” he yelled out.
This deranged old redneck then proceeded to come at the groom with a loaded pistol, threatening to shoot him if he doesn’t give her up. Every single person in attendance started screaming and running away. The police were called. I grabbed my wife’s hand and we retreated outside to watch the rest of the scene unfold from the church window.
I work wedding bars and I’ve seen some disaster marriages, but I’ll never forget this one: I saw a wedding where the bride was running extremely late. You could cut the tension with a knife. In the end, she texted the groom 15 minutes before they were supposed to get married, saying “Sorry but I’m not coming.” It was super depressing. The guests went ahead with the ‘party’ but the groom was broken-hearted and ended up leaving at around half 7, the rest of the guests at 10.
What had happened was the bride had spent all day with her parents the day before. They apparently hated her husband to be and had convinced her not to show up to the wedding. Last thing I heard was she came to his door the next morning and apologized, they’re still together as far as I know…Man was that an awkward work night.
7. Hard Pass
Got invited to a wedding of an ex-girlfriend. There was one of those cheesy dollar dance things where bride and groom shake down the crowd for more money. Fine, I suck it up and dance with the ex for a fiver. Then she whispers something that made my blood run cold. “This should have been you.” Freak-out time. I left very quickly after that. Needless to say, they didn’t last.
8. More Than Bros?
I went to a wedding where the best man stood up and professed his undying love for the groom. There was a lot of awkward laughing and trying to play it off as a joke…but we all knew it wasn’t a joke. Painful.
9. An Advance On the Wedding Registry
My cousin is married to a complete tool. At their wedding, he started opening up gifts and cards during the ceremony and then counting the money out loud, and calling people out on how much they gave them. It was brutal, until I had the great pleasure of seeing the best man grab the money he had given to the groom and walk right out of the room.
10. Nothing’s More Important Than Me
I had a bride walk into the bridal salon where I worked to pick up her wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, etc. She was in a bad mood and proceeded to tell me and my co-workers why. “I am SO ticked off one of my bridesmaids won’t be able to attend my wedding.” All of us answered “why?!” Super concerned. Her reply was so disturbing, it’s impossible to forget.
She said, “Her brother got in a car accident or something and ended up killing someone.” She then proceeded to roll her eyes and said, “I can’t believe she would drop out of my wedding for that!” All of our mouths were on the floor.
When the pastor got to the part “or forever hold your peace,” the bride said, “Yes, I’d like to say something.” Then she turned around to her guests and said, “I’d like to thank my maid of honor for sleeping with my fiancé last night.” With that, she threw her bouquet down and stormed off. The story even made it onto local radio at the time.
12. Maid of Dishonor
I am supposed to be a maid of honor at my best friend’s wedding, but she told me that since I’m ugly, she won’t let me be in any pictures. I’ve never been so insulted in all my life.
13. Missed Encounters
My husband and I were at his old friend’s wedding. The women at our table all stared at us like we were ghosts. Suddenly one of them pulled over my husband and told him that the bride (his old friend) had been in love with him for over a decade. They were horrified that we were there—and extremely worried.
My husband had no idea that she had feelings for him. She bee-lined right for our table after the “introducing Mr & Mrs” thing—ignoring her family and leaving her husband standing alone. She clung to my husband and sobbed—lifting her head to glare at me. She had to be pulled off of him. Her new husband was in shock and my husband was horrified and embarrassed
14. Real Enough to Us
My friend was about to get married when a woman busted the doors down and screamed at the top of her lungs, “I’M THE REAL WIFE, STOP THE WEDDING!!!” Amazing.
15. Little Sister, Don’t You Do What Your Big Sister Done
I was my sister’s maid of honor. During a peak planning time, our aunt passed away. I kept trying to get in touch with my sister that entire day. When I finally reached her, I explained that I had been trying to speak with her all day to let her know that our aunt had died. I got blasted about how busy she is, and then she ripped into me about where I stood with my tasks.
She was pretty rotten on the day of the wedding, too. We are no longer close…
16. Burning It up
My cousin got married last April and I only went because my parents were going, and I had nothing better to do that weekend (also, free bar). I got to watch her set her bouquet, the white carpet, and the groom’s pants on fire mid-ceremony because he had spiked his hair wrong. The best part was that the minister just kept reading the vows as it all went down. Eventually, they got it all under control and the two said their I Dos. The divorce finalized a couple of days ago.
17. Telling It Like It Is
I was at a friend’s shotgun wedding. He was forced to marry this girl whom he had impregnated because she thought that expired aspirin was an acceptable alternative to birth control. During the ceremony, his cousin objected with something along the lines of, “Come on, man! The dummy was using expired aspirin as birth control!! You wanna spend your life with someone like that??!!” There was laughter, shock, and even some mild applause from the audience. I personally laughed till I cried.
18. We Interrupt This Program…
One of my friends interrupted his cousin’s wedding to publicly come out of the closet. He assumed that this would be an opportune time since everyone was gathered together and in a good mood. He couldn’t understand why his cousin was so pissed at him.
19. How Dare They Not Come
One day after her wedding, a friend I went to school with went on a rampage on Facebook about how none of her friends showed up to her big day, and the ones that did show up didn’t dance or participate in anything at the reception. She blasted everyone and made her wedding party feel bad because she spent too much money on unnecessary things.
She made a second post an hour later complaining about all of the people that stopped her to take pictures and didn’t let her enjoy her party. It was hilarious to watch the comments flood in from people who went and were angry, and a few requested their gifts back. Because there was a darker reason that no one came.
A former classmate, someone who has a lot of mutual friends with the bride, lost his infant son earlier that week and the baby’s services fell on the same day as the wedding. Most of the people she was complaining about for not coming had opted to go to the child’s funeral service instead of her wedding. She lost a lot of respect and a lot of friends in two hours.
20. Substitute Soulmate
We showed up to a wedding where the bride was not the girl everyone was expecting. Turns out the couple had called it quits like two weeks before, but the groom was so cheap he did not want to lose all the money invested in the wedding reception, so he decided to ask one of his ex-girlfriends to marry him. The girl accepted—it was very awkward because everyone at the wedding was talking about it.
21. You Win!
Nobody had even said “speak now” yet, but the groom’s ex still decided to get up and scream out that he was her soulmate, that she forgave him for “this whole thing,” and that they should just leave now because he’d proven his point—by breaking up with her five years earlier, falling in love with someone else, and holding a wedding.
22. What to Not Put up With When You’re Expecting
I knew a woman who was a bridesmaid in a relative’s wedding. She was married and had been trying to get pregnant for a while. Finally, her and her hubby got lucky and she conceived. The bridezilla got furious and kicked her out of the wedding because she would be pregnant in the pictures. Three months later, sadly, my friend miscarried. The bride called her with a response along the lines of, “Good, well now you can be back in the wedding.” Needless to say, she did not even attend it.
23. Change of Heart
Amazingly, I was at a wedding where the groom himself objected. He just stood up there and started crying, then announced in front of everyone that he had fallen out of love with the bride a while before but didn’t know how to break it off. It was extremely uncomfortable, and they both stepped out. Ten minutes later, they came back in and got married—because she’d apparently told him she was pregnant. They’re still together, with three kids now. I’m not sure about the husband, but I can confirm that the wife is having an affair. Neither of them are happy, but she has a comfortable life and he doesn’t have the spine to leave.
24. The Big Problems Start out Small
My cousin had a rather extravagant wedding at an upscale golf course. I didn’t really want to go because I knew he’d hooked up with a friend in our group when he was engaged to the bride. But family pressure and an open bar persuaded me, and I’m darn glad I went. I knew it was going to be good when the girl he cheated with was there.
Anyway, we have a few drinks at the bar and head to our seats for the ceremony. Apparently, the girl he’d messed around with had gotten pretty wasted because at the moment of truth she yells, “I object your honor, that man’s parts are too small to satisfy; he is unfit for marriage!” like it was a court case. Everyone went silent for a second, and then I looked over at my buddy and we burst out laughing our butts off.
Bride was furious and slapped groom. They both cried, but after a brief break and conversation they decided to go through with it! Unsurprisingly they’re getting divorced after a solid two-year marriage…
25. A Man on a Mission
I was working at a wedding when I was younger, running the bar at the reception. We were told that the reception would begin around 4pm. It was only about 3ish, and one of the male guests was already sitting there drinking. I asked if he was not joining the ceremony, to which he replied something along the lines of “I will when I have the courage.” He downs his drink and leaves. Ten minutes later he comes back, looking extremely disappointed. He orders another drink.
Less than 30 seconds later, another guy (who turned out to be the groom), walks in, punches him in the back of the head, and leaves. This dude just picked his drink up and sipped it further. I eventually found out that this fellow had downed his drink, walked into the ceremony, publicly admitted to sleeping with the bride at her bachelorette party, and then ran back to the bar. He was never invited to the wedding, but had just shown up to inform the groom. He found out where the wedding was, suited up, and dropped the info on everyone mid-ceremony.
26. The Vengeful Groom
The church service was absolutely beautiful and the reception was near perfect. After the speeches to the bride and groom, the bride spoke in appreciation for all friends, family, and her new husband. The Groom was last to speak. He thanked everyone for being so good to them. Then he apologized for what was coming next.
He explained that the night before, his bride slept with his best man and that he was filing for annulment immediately. He also explained that he felt it best to proceed with the wedding while he made his final decision. He also suggested that the father of the bride, who paid significant amounts towards their wedding, hold both his daughter and the best man financially responsible. Then he walked out.
27. Not an Easy Mistake to Make
Was a bridesmaid in a wedding. At the reception, we couldn’t locate the groom for the first dance. We fanned out to search for him. I found him… in an intimate position… with his 2nd cousin. His excuse: he was drunk and thought it was his new wife…even though she was in a bright red dress. The marriage didn’t last long.
28. Plot Twist
When I was in college studying photography, I got friendly with a fellow student who had a wedding photography business but was studying to get his qualifications, etc. After seeing my work, he asks me if I want to assist him on his next wedding, I agree. The big day comes and I’m all prepared to go in to see the groom, but the groom refuses to be in any pics, stating he was feeling under the weather.
I kinda thought he should suck it up, as it’s his wedding day, but he was insistent. The ceremony comes and goes, time for the bridal party photos at the church. Again, the groom refuses pics, much to everyone’s annoyance. Get to reception, speeches begin, and midway through the father of the bride speech, the groom just straight up leaves, saying once again he was feeling a bit ill.
This is where the bride drew the line and went into a rage and started pulling the small groom and bride figures off the top of the cake and stomping on it, yelling “I shouldn’t have married him!” Lots of hullabaloo and guests trying to console her. Everyone agreed he was being dramatic and basically a jerk. We got paid in full even though at that point we were done. But so much more was about to happen.
I go home, feet up few beers…phone goes off, it’s my friend Craig the photographer. The groom passed on shortly after leaving the reception hall. We do 2-for-1 wedding and funeral service now.
29. Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater
I went to a co-worker’s wedding where the maid of honor objected and admitted to being the “other woman” that the groom had been cheating with for months. The bride ran out in tears. The groom immediately tried to salvage the ceremony by asking the maid of honor to become the new bride. She refused.
30. That’s the Wrong Tie
The Bride slapped her husband and left him at the altar because he was wearing a red tie instead of a bright pink flowery one that she wanted all the men to wear to fit in with her “pink princess wedding.” She told him in a text that he had “ruined her special day.” Only her nephew was actually wearing the tie, and he was one year old.
31. My Big Fat Greek Funeral
A relative of the bride had a heart attack while dancing to traditional Greek songs (like a big half circle of people running, she was leading the circle). She died on the spot, rest of the party was canceled. It actually made the news.
At my cousin’s wedding, everything had been going great. Then, all of a sudden, his son from a previous marriage interrupts the vows to announce that the bride has been cheating on his dad with their drug dealer and that he can’t let his dad marry her. My other cousin yelled at the son to either sit down or leave. The son left and the wedding continued. Five years and one baby later, he finds out it was all true. They are no longer together.
33. A Matter of Time
I was a groomsman at a wedding two years ago. The bride and groom had been together for right around four years. They decided to write their own vows. The groom went through his. They were sweet as anything. He is a really great dude. The wife decided that during the vows is the appropriate time to let him, and everyone else know, that he would soon be a father.
Everyone was crying and hugging. It was a pretty cool moment. Everything was going great up until a point in the reception where the bride was talking to a friend of hers, telling her how excited she was to be having a girl. Somehow, no one caught her mistake—except the groom, who got up, threw his drink at the wall, and shattered it.
Called his new wife stupid and told her she was a cheating witch and stormed out. The bride started crying and swore she never cheated on him and couldn’t believe he was ruining their special day. The other groomsmen and I ran outside to see what was up with him. Then it hit all of us at the same time. She was 16 weeks pregnant…and he had only been home from Afghanistan for eight weeks.
She didn’t think that anyone would catch that and was somehow going to try and convince her husband they were having the baby early when the time came. I have not heard much from him or her since the wedding, but it was heavily rumored that the pregnancy was a result of a one-night stand with one of my buddy’s cousins.
34. And Another One Gone, And Another One Gone
I went to a wedding with a girl I dated in high school. Her uncle was marrying a woman that had already been married four times. Four. Times. As she walked down the aisle, instead of the traditional “Here Comes the Bride,” they played “Another One Bites the Dust.” She looked livid. I have no idea if the couple is still together, but I very seriously doubt it.
35. Father of the Bride
The father of the bride had been pretty absent after divorcing her mom. He had remarried and gotten involved with a controversial religious group. His new wife was not invited to the wedding, but the father came and seemed like he was there to be supportive—until he stood up during vows and proclaimed that my friend was “a pig just like her mother,” and that the groom should “get out while he can” because the bride was “a soul-leeching succubus.”
36. What Could Have Been
My brother went to high school and college with this girl that he always thought of as a friend. Her grandparents lived next door to ours. I was friends with her little sister. Our parents were friends…. anyway, she gets engaged and starts planning her wedding.
We were invited, of course. A couple of days before the wedding she comes over to our parents’ house because my brother was in town for her wedding and tells him that she will leave her fiancé for him. Like, declares this in front of my family.
He, of course, was all “What the actual heck?” They’d never dated. They’d never kissed. He was never interested in her. She was crying super hard and declaring her love for him and it was weird.
She bawled like a baby to the point where she could barely get through her vows…we knew why. Fast forward like 15 years and she’s still married to the guy. They look happy.
37. For Richer or…Richest?
I once attended a really awkward wedding. The bride, who we all thought was a bit of a gold digger to begin with, laughed uncontrollably during the rehearsal when she was supposed to say the “for richer or poorer” part. She promised to get it together during the ceremony the next day. She didn’t get it together. She burst out laughing again in the middle of the real ceremony, and she never did actually say it.
38. This One Leaves Me Speechless
I went to a wedding where it was actually a rule that guests weren’t allowed to talk directly to the bride. Her mom and maid of honor were the only ones allowed to.
39. Is Now the Right Time?
The groom’s father did a toast when the groom and bride were at the altar (is this normal? Everyone around me seemed confused), and he said, “I’m glad I made it out here today. I just want you guys to know that I have cancer and I’m going to die very soon. Congrats to my son and his beautiful bride. Enjoy your time!”
Everyone was in complete silence. It was the most awkward thing I’ve possibly ever witnessed.
Also, this was in 2008 and the groom’s father is still alive.
40. The Mother of All Grossness
The groom pretty much made out with his mother. Big, slobbery kisses on the lips.
Then when he was dancing with the bride he spent the entire dance staring over her shoulder at his mother.
41. You Snooze You Lose
My best friend’s biological father, who took off when she was very young, threw a fit and made everyone from his family leave because my best friend did her father/daughter dance with her stepdad, who raised her in her father’s absence.
42. A Double-Decker of Trouble
I was at my good friend’s wedding. She’s a sweet girl and she’d fallen hard for a truck driver. Their relationship was long distance forever, so she was thrilled that they were finally getting married. When the priest says, “Does anyone object to this?” a woman stands up and says, “I do.” Turns out the guy wasn’t a truck driver but a married man from Florida who had two kids.
Yep, he just said he was a driver so he could play her long-distance. Oh and obviously the objecting woman was his real wife. Awkward…
43. Tragic Ending to a Wonderful Weekend
During a three-day wedding, the first night had a raging party. Everyone had just really good clean fun. Nobody was heinously drunk or dramatic, the food was awesome, the servers were hilarious, and the music was the perfect volume and style. Truly a once in a lifetime kind of party and everyone had an absolute blast from the 90-year-old grandpa to the one-year-old toddler. But we didn’t know what was coming.
Next day was the wedding. The bride and groom are coming separately to the church, but the groom is late. He’s stuck in traffic because of an accident, but he’ll be there. He’s all ready and tux-ed up so it’s literally just up to him to slide into the church and get to the altar. He was nervous standing there because he’d been so late—45 minutes—because of the accident but whatever, he’s there now.
Bride is stunning and doesn’t care that things are delayed as nothing can ruin this day. They say their I dos and start to walk back down the aisle. Groom slams to the floor, dead before he hits it. Massive aneurysm took him out. But that’s not the worst part. The traffic he hit on the way there was a result of the bride’s grandparents in a car accident, and they too had passed.
44. Bridal Duties Are Thicker Than Blood
The bride kicked off at me when I couldn’t attend her SECOND hen-do (complete with over-night stay) because it was too far away from the hospital my dying grandmother was staying in. The friendship ended when she said: “We’ve all got sick relatives. My grandad’s got dementia!” Needless to say, we don’t talk anymore.
45. The Best Man, Not Wingman
The maid of honor at my sister’s wedding asked me if I could sleep with her husband’s best man. In her words, “Jake’s saying he won’t go unless there is a guarantee lay for him. I know you’re single and everything…” I thought it was a joke at first. It wasn’t. I, of course, said no. Surprise, Jake still showed up as best man without the promised booty. And boy was I glad I said no, because this guy was 300+ lbs of greasy hair and an odor that could only be described as diabetic urine.
46. No Laughing Matter
A friend of mine works at a wedding venue. She told me about one wedding where the best man decided to object by making some jokes about the time that he slept with the bride. He assumed that the groom already knew about it. Turns out he didn’t, and he was NOT happy. The reception was abruptly canceled and all the guests were sent home.
47. The Ten Commandments
The following is an excerpt that was posted in a Facebook group for people attending this wedding: “Please arrive 15-30 minutes early. Please DO NOT wear white, cream, or ivory. Please do not wear any hairstyle other than a basic bob or ponytail. Please do not have a full face of makeup. Do not record during the ceremony. Do not check in on Facebook until instructed. Use official Wedding hashtag when posting all pictures. DO NOT TALK TO THE BRIDE AT ALL DURING THE CEREMONY! Everyone will toast with Rémy. No exceptions. Lastly, you must come with a gift of at least $75 or you WILL NOT be admitted!”
48. I Now Pronounce You Cheapskate and Wife
My college roommate invited me to his wedding in Vegas. I live in Colorado, so attending this wedding already required me to travel and pay for a hotel. The invitation specified that the group should book their reservation at Aria under a certain group code to receive a discounted rate. Their discounted room rate at Aria is over $300/night.
When I told him I simply could not afford to pay for round trip flights and a hotel room for three nights at $300/night, he flipped his lid. He said that we all needed to be in the same hotel for ease of plans or some nonsense like that. He expected me, a then 24-year-old female, to come out to his wedding in Vegas alone and pay over $300/night for accommodations. The kicker? He did not even give me a plus-one.
I later found out that the groom was so pushy about everyone staying at Aria because the bride and groom received a free hotel room if seven hotel rooms were booked under their discount code. It was really scummy of them to pressure their friends into booking expensive hotel rooms at their destination wedding and lie about the reasoning.
49. ‘Til Debt (Paid) Do Us Part
A person in the bride’s group chat got into a big fight with the bride on the day of the wedding. She ended up getting a brutal revenge. The guest sent the groom’s father a bunch of horrifying screenshots. In them, the bride admitted that she was planning on divorcing the groom after he paid off all her student debts and bought a house, so that she could get the property in a divorce.
The bride tried to deny it, but I guess the groom had suspicions that she was just using him already. After he saw the proof, he called the wedding off. My friend, who invited me as her plus one, was super embarrassed, but I was thoroughly entertained.
50. Over His Dead Body…Literally
One of the most blatant bad omens I’ve ever witnessed occurred at a wedding I attended. Just as the processional music started and the bride was about to enter, the groom’s great-uncle keeled over in the front pew and expired! After 45 minutes of futile CPR, they decided to continue with the wedding—complete with a priest who included the late great uncle in every prayer (“Lord, bless Jane and Jim…and Stanley….”). It was a bit of a downer, to say the least. The marriage didn’t last long.
51. The Groom Got Busy
A family friend’s daughter got pregnant accidentally, so the “happy” couple decided to get married. On the big day, the guests had congregated outside of the venue waiting for the wedding ceremony when all of a sudden, another woman barged in demanding to speak to the groom. When she started talking, our jaws hit the floor: She proclaimed that the groom had also gotten her pregnant!
Wide-eyed, we watched the drama move to behind closed doors while we all waited outside. After a whole lot of commotion, the wedding proceeded. It turned out that the other woman was right though, and the two babies were due within two weeks of each other. We quickly left the reception. Took some cake. It was good. The happy couple didn’t stay married long.
My friends got married at a medium-sized wedding by a lake. Right after the ceremony, we walk over to the gazebo where the reception will be, and the bride’s sister-in-law loses her mind. She starts lobbing her high heels at her husband, screeching about what an awful day it is, gashes her husband’s eyebrow open.
People are scrambling to get him napkins because his face is bleeding and trying to get him into a car to drive him the hospital for stitches. Meanwhile, his wife decides this is the time to up the ante. She says, “I can’t take this anymore!” and throws herself off of the dock in a dramatic swan dive. The poor bride is horrified at this point, obviously.
The problem is, the lake at that point was only four feet deep, and marshy, so instead of a suicide, she just sort of… bobs? Along in the water because everyone’s more concerned with her husband’s eye/face. Sister-in-law’s father just turns towards the lake, tells her to get her ass out of there and cut the nonsense.
They pile into two cars and drove off. It was surreal.
53. Chivalry Is Dead
At my wedding, I asked my husband to hold my bouquet whilst I gathered up my skirts to get into the car. He refused, with the excuse that he “wasn’t gay.” So, I awkwardly got into the car while holding both my skirt and the bouquet. Ten minutes later, my mum asked him, “Doesn’t she look beautiful?” He looked at me, shrugged, and said I looked “ok.”
Both of those moments may as well have been red flags accompanied by sirens, and I felt my heart sinking with foreboding. It was 30 years ago, and I can still easily recall the feeling. Unfortunately, I was right and I left only 11 months later.
54. It Never Hurts to Bring a Back-Up Beau
My sister addressed my invite to me and a male friend I had known for about 10 years. A male friend whom she had always had a huge crush on. Even better was that I had been dating my boyfriend for 2 years at this point, and my male friend was engaged. When I asked my sister why she put my friend as my plus-one and not my boyfriend, she said that she didn’t want some random guy in her wedding pictures. I went to her wedding solo. No surprise, she and her husband divorced 2 years later, and I have been happily married to that “random guy” now for 15 years.
55. Too Cute for Comfort. Literally.
I was a bridesmaid and my S.O. was a groomsman. We were banned from looking at, speaking to, or dancing with each other for fear of “out-cuteing” the happy couple. We’d been together for 5 years at this point. We didn’t do it, but the request alone was outrageous.
56. The Family That Lies Together Stays Together
My sister and her husband met each other during our junior year of high school, and she moved in with him halfway through our senior year. I never liked him and did not hide that fact. I especially didn’t like him after he hit on me while they were dating. Didn’t hide that fact either, but my sister brushed me off. Before he popped the question, she found out he’d been texting other girls.
He promised he’d change. The wedding was a train wreck. It was a small affair in our family back yard, with our aunt officiating. That same aunt started crying midway through the ceremony. My stepmother read a poem about them she wrote halfway through the ceremony—she always wants to be the center of attention.
The groom’s drunken father, who had been barred from the wedding, came stumbling in at some point during the vows to search for alcohol, and I saw the groom grab one of the bridesmaids’ bottoms. I didn’t point that out to my deliriously happy stepsister. I regret it to this day. A year later it turned out the groom had been cheating on my sister….with our stepmom.
My sister somehow forgave both of them. She has low self-esteem. They got caught again a year after that. At that point, my dad had divorced my stepmother, so I have been distant from this whole shebang. But my sister—who I do still talk to—finally divorced that jerk. Divorce for everyone! Let’s pull an Oprah.
57. I Can’t Hold It in Anymore
I witnessed this a few months ago. Random guest stood up and proceeded to basically declare his love for the bride and pour his heart out saying that it should’ve been him up on the alter that day. The whole room went dead silent. The bride went red with embarrassment and the groom went red with anger. But I haven’t even gotten to the worst part.
All this was in front of the random person’s wife. It didn’t go down too well.
58. Willful Ignorance
The first warning sign happened before the wedding when my childhood friend introduced her new fiancé to our friend group. He failed to speak to anyone and had his eyes on his phone the whole night. Then during the wedding ceremony, our friend, who normally wears her heart on her sleeve and cries at the drop of a hat, was oddly unemotional, even through both of their personalized vows. She kept one eye on the camera and seemed to just be posing the whole time.
The couple also had the groom’s family’s Priest officiating the wedding—and I still can’t believe what he said. This Priest recited a long monologue during the ceremony about how the bride’s life’s purpose now was to make her husband happy and support him by staying home and being a dutiful wife. This definitely hit a sour note, as the bride was the bread-winner at that time, and was helping to support both him and his parents. But when I spoke to his parents during the reception, they were gushing praises about what the priest had had to say. The marriage lasted about three months.
59. Practice Makes Perfect
My step-sister’s best man objected during the dress rehearsal the night before the actual wedding. It was a very large wedding and the rehearsal was bigger than a lot of weddings are. The minister was going over the vows quickly, while giving instructions on what to do. When he said something about objections, the best man interrupted and declared that he had to put a stop to this. He was in love with the bride and was sure that she felt the same way.
Everybody was horrified. It caused plenty of chaos and confusion. Neither the bride or groom ever spoke to him again.
60. Script Change
My father is a retired judge. Many years ago, he performed a rather unusual wedding. During the rehearsal dinner, rather than saying “I do,” the groom asked if he could make any positive statement. My dad said yes, but didn’t ask what the groom intended to say instead. Well, the big moment came on the wedding day, and he never expected the groom to say what he did. Instead of “I do,” he yelled, “I like fat chicks!”
My dad looked at the bride in shock, but apparently she just had a vacant expression (my dad’s words) and appeared not to be at all bothered. So, my dad pulled himself together and finished the wedding. We have no way to know if they’re still married, but I’d bet they’re not.
61. Time to Prune Your Friend List
I was the maid of honor. The bride demanded I come pull weeds out of her parents’ yard a day or two before the wedding because the reception was at her parents’ house. I had already gone through multiple ridiculous requests the week leading up to the wedding, so this one I put my foot down and said no. Got through the wedding. No longer friends. She did send a gift when I got married: A centerpiece from HER wedding, that I had helped make.
62. Doing the Bridezilla Tango
College “friend” got engaged to an absolute witch of a woman. She was crazy, crazy insecure and would do things, lash out, and make comments when those insecurities bubbled up. She would even make comments about how she didn’t really want to marry the groom based on his physical appearance and how much he made almost every time she got a little tipsy.
Before the wedding, the groom and bride recently moved into a new house that their parents purchased for them, and furnished said house with expensive furniture that their parents also purchased for them. My fiancé and I had just moved into a rental, were dead broke, and watching TV on a mattress we had pulled into our living room.
When I couldn’t afford to attend the bachelor party, we offered to have them over for dinner to celebrate in a way that we could afford. Instead, we were lectured by the bride on how we “should” be spending OUR money and that we had to get our priorities in line. I mean, screw eating and housing yourself when you can spend a couple grand on two days of drinking, right? It gets worse.
After this episode early on, they essentially stopped talking to us or trying to include us in anything up to the wedding. At the wedding, the bride was belligerently drunk, slurring her words slightly, and randomly breaking down into tears. Uses her time at the altar during the ceremony to essentially ad-lib with what the preacher was saying. Trying to crack jokes and making weird noises throughout. It still gets worse.
The ceremony ends and the wedding party heads off for pictures. The bride, being drunk and impatient, begins berating the photographer until the photographer is in tears. Fast forward to introducing the new couple. The entire wedding is essentially waiting for them at their tables, which are at the bottom of a long hill.
The bride and groom are at the top while the DJ begins to announce the new couple. Only problem is, the bride is currently yelling at her new husband about what a piece of trash he is and telling him to go screw himself. They stop for long enough to walk down the hill and take their seats. One of her bridesmaids was concerned and asked if there was anything she could do. To which the bride replies, “You can go screw yourself!” but there was a final nail in the coffin.
Throughout the entire wedding, family from the groom and bride kept coming up and telling us we were SO nice and nothing like how the bride had described us. Yes…screw her, screw her very much. Additionally, the groom’s family KNEW how much of a psycho she is. The groom’s sister literally pulled me aside during the reception and begged me to stick around, knowing that her brother’s wife was terrible, and it would only be a matter of time until they were divorced, and he would “need me.”
63. A Joyous Day…or Else
I was almost in a bridezilla wedding. I had an ectopic pregnancy (baby attached to my tube, which then burst, and I almost bled to death). She got engaged shortly following my ectopic. When she asked me to be her bridesmaid, she told me that I would have to wait to have another baby until after her wedding in 1.5 years…not because there would be a small child at the wedding, not even because she didn’t want me fat at her wedding…but because if I lost another child, it would take away from her engagement and wedding. I was so shocked. I just declined and have never spoken to her since.
64. Vocation Over Vacation?
The bride (my cousin) told me to quit my new job so that I could be there for her after she decided to throw together a wedding in three months. I was already spending so much money and time, so she figured I could sacrifice my career, too.
65. Our Duties Stop at the Honeymoon Suite
Apparently, they wanted us (and their parents) to watch them consummate the marriage because of an old European tradition.
66. Someone Took Their “Best Man” Duties Too Seriously…
Years ago, I was part of a wedding where the bride was actually fairly reasonable considering her biological father showed up very drunk, the preacher got sick, there was a storm that knocked out all the power to the church; her aunt and mother-in-law fought the entire time, two relatives wore white—with veils—in the audience, and the catering company was late. But really, that was just the beginning of the nightmare.
The groom was the one who lost his mind. He insisted on a Scottish-themed wedding of sorts, but it wasn’t authentic Scottish, more like a fantasy version of Braveheart. Some of the groomsmen apparently refused to wear “a dress” (tartans), so he threw them out of the wedding only hours before, including his best man.
He then switched his best man to his soon to be brother-in-law, who had a Mohawk and face piercings. This 17-year-old BIL was pretty stoked, but not taking it seriously, and goofing around with a decorative sword until he accidentally hit the bride in the back of the head. She said she was fine, but she was so, so wrong.
When it came time for the couple to get into a limo (that, by the way, didn’t show up), the bride got into a guest’s Buick. That’s when somebody realized that the back of her wedding dress was stained with a hefty amount of blood. It turned out that being whacked by the sword had actually cut into the back of her scalp.
She got patched up and went on to her honeymoon suite, but apparently the bride and groom had such a big fight that the bride packed her stuff and stayed at her maid of honor’s house. The next morning, she came back, and everyone just kind of blamed it on her head wound. But that’s not even the craziest part: The marriage ended three years later. But not just because of their fighting: the groom ended sleeping with that brother-in-law and came out of the closet.
67. Betrayal Leaves a Bitter Taste
I wasn’t there, but an old friend told me about a wedding he attended a few years ago. When it came time for the objection part, a voice in the back yells “She sucked me like 30 minutes ago!” Bride bursts into tears. Groom just walks away.
68. The Only Daddy Issue Is With Her
This was my sister’s wedding, so hold on tight. My sister had 10 bridesmaids. Most of them were her sorority sisters from college. They wanted to plan an elaborate weekend for the summer, while most of them were still in school without jobs. When I asked “Hey, who will pay for this?” my sister got angry that I even asked. But it gets worse.
I also reminded all the bridesmaids that our father, who has stage 4 cancer, wasn’t doing so well, and that maybe the bachelorette/bridal shower should be close by. They all flipped, thinking I was being insensitive to the bride. I was promptly asked not to be a bridesmaid to my own sister’s wedding over these two things. I was fine with this as she was a bridezilla, and I spent time with our dying father instead. He died 2 weeks after her wedding day, which he couldn’t attend because he was in hospice care. To me, she put herself before our ailing father, and it still makes me mad.
69. A Maury Povich Wedding
I went to my husband’s brother’s wedding a few years ago. His ex came, uninvited. We thought this was a little weird, but didn’t think much of it as she sat down. Things got very bad very fast. She was carrying a baby. When the “any objections” was called, she stood up, and said that he had gotten her pregnant and this was his son. The groom looked ashamed.
He tried to deny it, but then she held up proof that it was his child. The wife ran out of the wedding, they broke up. You may be thinking, well, I mean he could’ve gotten her pregnant before his ex-fiancé and him were dating, right? Nope. He and his ex-fiancé had been dating for three years and engaged for one and a half. The baby was only about two months old.
70. No Double Dipping!
I once went to a wedding where the bride got back at her cheating groom in the most ingenious way possible. In the final moments of a Jewish wedding, after the marriage was finalized and all official, the bride straight up runs into the crowd and says, “I’m divorcing my husband for sleeping with my sister!” Here’s why this was great.
I’m not Jewish, but apparently, once you’re married in that faith, the bride or groom cannot marry or remarry someone related to the previous wife or something like that. So, this bride not only publicly humiliated her cheating groom and her sister by outing them. She also sealed the fact that they can never ever be together. Mic dropped.
71. Sixteen Candles? More Like Sixteen Future Ex-Friends
The bride asked 16 girls to be bridesmaids. In the year and a half between the engagement and wedding, all but 6 dropped out (3 were her sisters). She wanted 16 separate shades of blue and 16 different styles of dresses for each bridesmaid, then threw a fit when the store didn’t have that many options. But she was just getting started.
She demanded everyone pay for a week-long bachelorette party in Vegas (including her share) and then got mad when some people opted out (I was a single mom/college student at the time). Her parents gave her a $20,000 budget, and she ended up spending $100k and demanding they pay for it. They took out a loan they are still paying off.
She also wanted everyone to have the same shade of hair, so she asked the two blonde bridesmaids to dye their hair (they declined). She paid for nothing for the bridesmaids (traditionally the bride pays for something—the hair/makeup or the dress) but demanded we purchase specific shoes, jewelry, dresses, etc. plus hair and makeup. And stay the entire weekend at the hotel she was getting married at.
All together, costs for the wedding—not including a gift—were well over $2k per bridesmaid. This was mostly amongst college-age women in a poor/middle-class area. She also had three separate engagement parties/bridal showers. The final straw for me was when she demanded to see my toast a month prior so she could edit it. She ended up rewriting it totally. I skipped the wedding and ended our friendship. They did end up getting married, and 6+ years later, he seems absolutely miserable.
72. One Wedding and One Funeral
The groom attacked his new brother-in-law to death…with the knife used to cut the wedding cake, no less. You really can’t make this stuff up.
73. At Least She Admits It
At the rehearsal dinner, the groom’s mom is in tears, because “he looks miserable” and he was, we all knew it. During the vows they had written for each other, the bride starts with “I know I can be a pretty terrible person, and I don’t know why you’ve stuck around, but that’s all going to change starting today!” They were divorced a year later.
74. All the Wrong Moves
The bride said she had a surprise for the groom, so she disappeared, groom got sat in the middle of the dance floor, and bride came back to do a seductive belly dance for him. In front of their whole families and friends. Neither of them is even remotely Middle Eastern. It was so, so bad.
75. This Is a Classy Affair
It was my then-business partner’s second marriage, to a prominent lawyer. She was 40-ish but behaved like a Cosmo-swilling sorority sister and was obsessed with optics, image, status. The wedding was a two-nighter at a banquet/event center in the city. When my wife and I showed up we discovered the guests had been partitioned into an A-list and a B-list.
We were on the A-list who were invited for cocktails, the ceremony, and a sit-down dinner. The B-listers had been told to appear later for cake and dancing. During dinner, the already-half-in-the-bag bride stood up and told us A-listers we were her “real friends,” the “cream of the crop,” and our standing with her was reflected in the fine catered dinner we were eating.
Things ran long and the B-listers began assembling outside. They were not allowed in, but the place had storefront-type windows and you could see into the venue from the street. It began to rain and the B-listers had to stand outside getting wet and staring at us while the banquet part of the evening wrapped up. They clearly had not been apprised of the two-tier deal. It was so painful.
76. The Icing on the Cake
We had a guestzilla. An older aunt of the bride’s showed up wearing a white lace gown. She told the groom she didn’t want him in the group picture because it was only for “family.” When the caterer put aside the top tier of the cake and put it in a box for the couple to have on their first anniversary, she began to pick off and eat the icing with her fingers.
77. Not Every Achievement Needs to Be Aired
The bride’s older brother gave a speech where he talked about how he changed her diaper when she was a baby. He then told the groom that because of this, he (the brother) “saw her first.” It was super gross and cringey.
78. One Wedding To Mar Them All
I once photographed a wedding that made me quit photographing weddings. My husband was my second photographer, and even he couldn’t believe the day we had. We showed up early to get a feel for the venue and grab photos of guests and details. Then, I went to check on the bride and my husband checked on the guys. The bride was extremely angry with everyone because apparently her husband-to-be had been smoking earlier and when she had ordered him to stop, he decided to have a drink instead.
The wedding ceremony was very dry. No tears. No sincere words. Then at the reception, the brother of the groom got up to speak. His toast included things like, “I can’t believe we’re here today; no one thought you would make it this far” and, “You know we wish the best for you and we hope you’re happy.” All of the guests were cringing.
Immediately after the speech, the bride said to me, “I don’t want photos of any of his (the groom’s) family. I also don’t want photos of my sister who thinks she’s a model.” That was the last wedding I shot, and it was nearly four years ago. That man was miserable. I could see it in his face and everyone else’s.
79. With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
I’m a commercial photographer and my best friend since childhood asked me to photograph his twin sister’s wedding because they didn’t have the budget for an expensive wedding photographer. So I figure out my costs and tell them I’ll do it for a break-even fee of $400—about 1/4 of what they’d pay otherwise. They agree to it.
On the wedding day, the bride starts panicking because she doesn’t have her checkbook. She promises to pay cash later instead. I follow them around from 9:30 AM to 1 AM, hearing from both the bride and groom that they got enough cash as gifts to pay me later on. They never did. A week later, I’m about 10 hours into what would become 30 hours of editing 250 final photos and still no money, bills from my expenses coming due.
Text them, no reply. Turns out they took off on a month-long honeymoon in Europe. I had to call up her dad and get him to pay me instead. No one ever even bothered to thank me for doing them this favor. My buddy and I now have a strained relationship as a result of this whole ordeal. I don’t shoot weddings or offer friend discounts anymore, with no exceptions.
80. The Worst Groom Ever
I once went to a wedding where both families were Irish. My girlfriend knew them, but I didn’t. At the ceremony, the groom’s ex-wife started shouting something and was gently directed outside. I couldn’t hear what was said. The reception was amazing—nice venue and all, but a bunch of guests had brought their own instruments and just started jamming what I can only describe as a genuine Irish Jig.
There was a LOT of booze. There was no responsible serving of alcohol and I’m certain it was by design. At some point, I used the men’s room and was curious if I’d just seen the groom in a stall (door open) with someone who was not the bride. I didn’t know these people and it might have just been someone else, so I said nothing.
Sometime later and the girlfriend states seriously, “We should get going now.” Yeah sure. We grab our stuff and head downstairs. I see the suspicious fellow again in the stairwell going to absolute town on this same lady. My girlfriend grabs my arm tightly and keeps walking past, mumbles a thank you for the invite, and I just smile and follow cause it’s all weird.
Yep, that was the groom, doing stuff to his ex-wife at his own wedding to another woman. The look that woman gave us as we passed was this smugly dominant, “I always get what I want” drunk glare. Wow. I got it all explained to me after we were in a cab and well on our way home, but that look still haunts me to this day.
81. Backhanded by the Holy Man
The bride was a former nun who left her order not long after taking her vows so she could marry a friend of my significant other’s family.
During the wedding ceremony, the priest kept staring at her, shaking his head slightly and making facial expressions that displayed his disappointment in her decision.
It became especially awkward during his homily when he said, “Keeping the vows we make—whether nuptial vows or religious—says much about our integrity and sincerity.”
82. That’s What I Call a Death Drop
The bride’s aunt died on the dance floor while dancing. She fell down, and the DJ stopped the music until EMS arrived. They took her away, and when the music resumed, the DJ selected, of all things, Bryan Adams’ “Heaven” as the next song. Incredible. I will never forget the looks people were giving him for the rest of my life.
83. Oh. My. Gosh.
I worked the most amazing wedding ever! The marriage didn’t last 6 hours! I was bartending for the reception. Everything seemed pretty typical and standard as guests arrived, drank, and conversed—until the best man finished his speech and the food began to be served. The groom grabbed the mic after the best man’s toast and wished everyone a great night and a nice meal.
That’s when everything fell apart.
After his well wishes, he asked for the attention of his best man and bride. He told them that he knew they were hooking up behind his back for the entirety of the engagement, and that he would be filing for an annulment on Monday. He thanked everyone for coming, and apologized to the father of the bride saying, “I would have called it off weeks ago, but I figured you would be way more mad at your little princess when you couldn’t get out of the bill for the reception.”
He turned to his wife and said, “Screw you”, then turned to his best friend and said, “From what I overheard–I’m better in bed!” Mic dropped—groom out the door—absolute chaos. Me and my fellow bartender looked on in amazement. We had to go into the kitchen to die of laughter.
84. She’s Not Married to Any Options at This Point
The bride was cheating with this other guy at the time of her marriage. At the wedding, the guy she was secretly seeing objects to the ceremony, standing up and saying, “She’s been cheating on you with me.” The bride had a full on breakdown at the wedding, and then the groom dumped her. Everyone in my state knows her, so no one wants her. She ended up moving.
85. Beware the Dragoness
The bride, whom I didn’t even know, apparently designated me to help decorate the reception hall prior to the wedding. I went to do so, and her mother was there, telling me in a hushed, scared whisper that I better not mess anything up because the bride would be FURIOUS. Everything was to be a certain way, and if it was wrong, there’d be hell to pay.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt (chalked it up to wedding anxiety), and during the reception, I tried to chat with her a bit, and she literally rolled her eyes at me. I also didn’t see her look at the groom once at the wedding or the reception. They were split less than a year later. Later, the groom confided to me and my husband that the morning of the wedding he’d been filled with an overwhelming feeling of dread and spent several hours just sitting on his lawn, thinking, “I shouldn’t do this.”
But it was already paid for, a huge crowd full of guests was waiting, a ton of family (including us) had come in from out of state, and he just felt he had to go through with it. Apparently, the bride had a long history of being awful and controlling. I have absolutely no clue what made him propose to her in the first place.
Just Facebook stalked the (ex) bride. Her latest status update is announcing her wedding date with a new guy. Someone “jokingly” asked in the comments if they’ve set a date for the divorce. Oh snap.
A guy had been molesting some of the girls from the school where he was the after-school activity program director. The bride has a daughter herself and knew about some of the allegations but decided to marry him anyway (out of state). Well some of us were still invited and unbeknownst to the groom, a woman barges in cussing up a storm because her daughter is one of the ones that he molested and she’s in counselling because of it. He got off free.
It was a full out brawl. When intruder lady and a few others were arrested, the wedding was over. The bride ran off somewhere and I guess cried for the remainder of the evening. Worst part? She still married him but eloped somewhere private. It’s like they always say: if you don’t say where you’re getting married, your groom’s victims’ moms can’t crash the wedding.
87. But Who Will Rescue Her from Prince Charming?
We didn’t object, but it was hard to keep our mouths shut at my aunt’s wedding. She’d had a hard life. Her two daughters were mentally disabled to the point where they had to live in a care facility full time. Her first husband abused the girls and then killed himself. The only bright side was that he left her millions in real estate. But money can’t buy happiness.
When her second serious partner left her, she was lonely as heck. She was a smart lady but she still fell for this conman. He was after her money, which was supposed to be for the future care of the girls. He wasn’t allowed back in several countries because he had conned people out of so much money, and there was something very wrong with him mentally.
He claimed to be able to cure cancer and took cancer patients’ money and would stay in hotels then leave without paying. The whole family knew about his issues but he’d convinced my aunt that it was all lies and the world was against him. Anyhow, we were invited to the wedding. It sucked to watch her marry this trash fire but we needed her to know that we were on her side.
He’d already started to isolate her with ideas about how we weren’t good for her and she was pretty much under his control. Fast forward: five years later, he’s blown through most of her money. They did IVF and had a son, who is now eight. Con artist husband left when the money was gone so now she’s nearly 60, raising a child, and trying to rebuild bridges with her family and friends.
Kinda wish we had objected at the wedding, but she was set on her path, and other people like her parents had told her all the bad stuff they had found out about her husband and it hadn’t stopped her. Figured all we could do was be there for her.
88. Having a Cow Over Cutlery
I’m a caterer. One time, the mother of the bride found a single spot on a single knife on a single setting. She demanded that the entire $60,000 reception be free. Yeah, she didn’t get it.
89. Quit Horsing Around!
My horseback riding instructor told me a story of a time somebody requested a horse for a traditional wedding—I forget what culture, but I think it was Native American. They put the horse in the aisle and these people surrounded the horse with firecrackers and sparklers in the small enclosed space! The horse then proceeded to freak out and bolt it out of that place while destroying anything and everything on his way out.
They never brought a horse to a wedding again.
90. Too Many Stories to Share
I saw the bridesmaid’s boyfriend get drunk and start a fight with her. He gets physical with her and rips her dress. The groom intervenes and gets in the dude’s face for starting trouble at his wedding. Groom and boyfriend begin shoving and the groom’s mother tries to break it up. Boyfriend shoves the groom’s mother so the groom goes ballistic and starts beating up the boyfriend.
Boyfriend manages to get away but not before grabbing his girlfriend’s purse off her chair and makes a run for it. He steals her car, and gets pulled over by the cops about two miles down the road for driving on the wrong side. At this point, everyone at the reception was totally smashed and when the cops came they just sat everyone on the curb like they were teenagers because literally no one was sober enough to drive home.
91. Tell Us How You Really Feel
The bride and groom are at the altar, the minister is speaking, saying something to the effect of, “We are here in the presence of friends and family who are all here to give this union their blessing” to which the groom’s mother stands up and says, “No, not everyone. I do not give this my blessing.” It was both horrible and kind of hilarious.
92. A Hell out of Hog Heaven
My cousin had her enormous wedding on a farm with a huge pig roast. Her father and my other older cousin never really got along. At one point during the reception, my older cousin had enough and absolutely lost it. He looked at a handful of us and asked if we had his back. Of course, we all nodded not really knowing what was about to happen.
He disappeared and a few minutes later comes back with a 20lb bag of pork meat from the leftover roast. He walks down to where my cousin’s dad is (my aunt proceeds to yell, Lonnie NO!!!) and smacks him right in the side of the face with the bag of meat. An all-out family brawl ensued. The whole family hasn’t been invited to a wedding ever since.
93. Anything Goes in the Mountains
Holy moly. My cousin “Jan’s” wedding was basically just a preamble to an elaborate Dance of Divorce that we all knew was coming from the moment the engagement began. For context, this took place 15 years ago in the backwoods of North Carolina. My family is just a generation or two removed from snake-handling in church, so some of the wackiness is the product of upwardly mobile inbreeding, and redneck gumption.
Just a few things that come to mind: Her fiancé proposed to her OVER THE CORPSE OF HER FATHER. He was over with the family watching TV when Jan’s dad collapsed on the floor. He died before emergency services arrived. Her boyfriend grabbed her hands as she was sitting next to her father’s body, pulled her up to her feet, and then asked her to marry him.
He later said that he “didn’t want her to get away.” The fiancé then disappeared for a month the week after the funeral. Nobody knew where to reach him. The bride’s white trash mother told Jan that she had to get married within four months because she (the mother, my aunt) planned to move to another state with her new boyfriend to avoid bill collectors.
When Jan’s fiancé showed back up, he was cagey and weird. Eventually, it came out that he’d been living with his ex-girlfriend because she insisted that he had to give her a month of his life, or she’d take him to court for child support that he was supposed to be paying on their infant son, but had never paid. Throughout all of this, Jan continued to insist that she wanted to marry him.
My mother and I did most of the wedding prep and arrangements. Jan’s mom, despite insisting on the 4-month timeline to help pay for the wedding before her move, never contributed a dime. We were both pretty convinced that the wedding was going to be canceled at any moment. But, the day arrived, and so did the principle players.
At the wedding itself: The groom walked around drinking PBR out of a massive travel thermos with a novelty straw and told everyone who would listen that Jan was a good “starter wife.” Jan threw several tantrums about stupid stuff, including one in which she accused the groom of stealing her drink. He told her she was a “dumb slag,” but it all worked out because then she found her drink.
The groom pulled the ring off of Jan’s finger during the reception and swallowed it “as a joke.” The groom picked a fight with his father because his dad had asked the ex-girlfriend to stay at home, and the groom had really wanted her to be there. Jan was in the dark about this invitation until the fight broke out. Shocking precisely nobody, except possibly Jan herself, they eventually did divorce.
Eating the ring caused the groom some discomfort, so they had to cancel their honeymoon to the mountains so that he could go to the ER and get hospital-grade laxatives. They lost money on the cancellation and the ER visit, which they really didn’t have to lose. That resulted in some immediate debt problems, and they lost the trailer they’d planned to rent when they couldn’t come up with the deposit.
That resulted in both of them moving into the groom’s parents’ home, into his old bedroom. Things went downhill from there. The groom’s ex-girlfriend popped back up less than three months after the wedding, heavily pregnant with his second child. She went after him for another “shared month,” but Jan wasn’t cool with it. The ex ended up taking him to court for child support.
Jan got a second job to make ends meet while resigning herself to living with her in laws for a while longer. One day, after he’d dropped her off at work, the groom sold Jan’s car. He then disappeared for several more weeks. She lost both jobs, and shortly thereafter realized she was pregnant. The groom accused her of cheating because he thought he couldn’t have more than two children in a lifetime, and his ex-girlfriend had already filled the quota.
As I understand it, this is what ultimately caused the rift in their relationship.
94. Didn’t Get the Memo
Groom’s mistress found out he was getting married and showed up at the wedding. In the middle of the “I do” part, she walked right up on stage and smacked him in the face.
95. Why Not Keep What You’re Missing?
I was reunited with a family member just before her wedding. We went out drinking, and she proudly pointed out a guy at the bar that she’d just gone on a trip with and had a weeklong prenup romp. She seemed to think I’d think that was naughty and funny. I just felt bad for her future husband, but figured it was just a bad choice.
The day of the wedding, I went to see her in the bridal suite. She had the guy there with her. She’d screwed him the night before the wedding. They lasted a few years, but it was a miserable few.
96. Clean-Up on Aisle One
The groom said in his speech, “When I joined a dating agency, I never thought I’d be so lucky as to find my own personal cook, dishwasher, and washing machine.” Not only is that a terrible way to describe ANYONE, he’s in for a nasty surprise when he realizes his wife is actually a complete diva and will expect him to do all those things for her! Bad relationship all round.
97. With Mothers Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
At my (half) sister’s wedding, when they got to the objection part, her mother (same dad, different mum) leaned across to another family member and whispered, “Yeah, he isn’t good enough for her.” The officiant stopped the wedding and asked her to speak up, saying it’s a legal part of the wedding and if she has an objection then please state it loud enough for everyone to hear.
My sister’s mum laughed it off and sat down red-faced…while I glared evils into the back of this woman’s head. My sister is awesome, and the guy she’s with makes her super happy. At the reception, things got so much worse. In his speech, he thanked the mom for accepting him into the family and said how happy he was to have another mum (both his parents have died). Oof from me.
98. Wish I Were You, Kiddo
Wedding photographer here. Easily the worst was when the father of the groom, apparently entirely sober, gave a ten-minute toast that devolved into openly complaining that his son got to have sex with the bride and he didn’t. And this wasn’t a mistimed joke about how pretty she was, this was a full-on lament about growing old and how women didn’t find him attractive anymore and that all he wanted was to take his daughter-in-law to bed.
I got a few photos of the bride and groom reacting in horror to this and then I went and hid with the catering staff in the kitchen, who were peeking out the door to observe the carnage.
99. Dip and Strip
One of the groomsmen was dancing with the maid of honor and they did a dip maneuver. The problem with this being that the maid of honor’s dress was strapless, and her boobs had recently swelled up—she was pregnant—so that maneuver made them pop right out of the top of her dress in front of the whole dance floor.
100. Sensitivity Problems
On the day of my friend’s wedding, I got horrible news that my 6-month-old nephew had passed away in his sleep. I told my friend what had happened and explained that I couldn’t go to her ceremony. I thought she’d understand. I was so wrong. She tells me that she didn’t care about my nephew. This was her “special day.”
Apparently, I had to send someone to “fill in for me” at the funeral so that I could be at her wedding. It took me a few seconds to cool down, but I managed to calmly state that I’d be supporting my sister through her grief and then hung up the phone. The bride and I are no longer friends.