Stranger Danger has a whole new meaning in the internet age. You can chat with someone online for years, but until you meet them in person, you really have no idea who they really are. Each of these people took the plunge and decided to take their online relationships to the next level—and let’s just say, things didn’t go as planned.
1. The Oedipal Deal
It ended up being a double date with his mom and her OkCupid date. He told me that he and his mom were a “package deal.” I was mortified. There was no second date.
2. Want Some Gum?
I invited a guy I had been talking to a bit to come out for beers with my friends and I. He showed up, and I couldn’t believe what I saw: Buddy had no teeth. None. And he was probably 22. I didn’t want to be mean to him so he stayed. Then he then vomited on the floor and was beaten up outside the bar for it. Never again.
3. Sibling Love
Talking to this beautiful girl, we just connected then we made a plan to meet at a local pub. Show up and turns out it was my younger sister. We both apparently made fake profiles.
4. Call Me by My Screenname
My friends and I met him playing League of Legends and it turned out that he only lived about an hour away. He insisted on being referred to by his in-game name when in person, and made a big deal of it whenever someone called him by his real name.
5. Hell on Wheels
I used to play a war game and I was pals with this other person (a guy), and we became good friends. Then out of the blue, he asked me to be his girlfriend (he was a truck driver in the USA, and I was only 12). It freaked me out a lot and I ghosted him. It was a terrifying experience and a real eye-opener for me.
6. Full Dance Card
I met a girl online, and we dated for a few months. Turns out she was temporarily separated from her husband, and she started seeing another guy (me) without anyone else knowing—but it got worse. I then found out that she was also cheating on me and still married when the wife or girlfriend of the third guy she was messing around with spray-painted her car when she was caught at his house one night.
The police called me to figure out where I was that night, and then told me she was married, but not to the guy she had been spending the night with.
7. Logging Off Forever
My best friend of 14 years who I solely knew online passed away back in September. I found out the night after he passed when his mother messaged me and told me the news and passed along the info for his funeral. I live in California and he was in Chicago, but I felt that it was my duty to finally go out there and see him.
It was completely surreal and horrifying to finally see him in person, in a box. That being said though, I’m so glad I flew out there for his service and had the honor of being one of his pallbearers. I just wish we had met up a long time ago before this.
8. A Deadly Connection
I used to play a lot of Quake and made a few friends through it. About 15 years ago, I moved to a state where one of those friends happened to live. We met up, and we got along fine, if not a bit awkward in person. He told me I could come stay with him any time, but it was kind of out of the city. We sort of lost touch, but just last year his relative contacts me out of the blue—and their story absolutely broke my heart.
She tells me that my friend had often spoken of me (using my old screen name) and that he was recently killed by another of our old online friends who he’d invited to stay with him. It ended up being ruled as self-defense. She just wanted to know what I knew about the killer to try to make sense of it, but I couldn’t remember much other than his old screen name.
9. That Sounds Like Harassment
I bought a bike from a man in a grocery store parking lot. His flaccid nether-region was sticking out of his zipper for the entire duration of the transaction. Wonderful…
10. The Small-Bladdered Wizard
Met a guy for a walk-and-talk through my favorite park. We had a nice vibe online and I had hopes we’d at least have a good time even if we weren’t attracted. He was completely bizarre. Spent a lot of time trying to get me to believe that he was some sort of psychic or wizard with magic powers, asked for a ride to the bus station from the park (I had no idea he hadn’t driven himself there) and suddenly had to pee during the five-minute drive.
Wet his pants just before getting out of the car.
11. Not Worth the Mileage
Not me but my older brother’s best friend. He had been talking to this girl online for a really long time. He was planning on driving to Texas (we live in north Georgia) to visit her. When he told her that he was going to drive over to see her, she confessed that she was actually an overweight 43-year-old lady. He was 23 at the time. He doesn’t like to talk about it…
12. Not a Match Made in Heaven
I had been talking to this girl for a little bit. We decided to go on a date on the beach with her friends, which was really nice actually. She looked a little different than her pic, but whatever. When I went home, she texted me asking me to define the relationship. Being 17, I panicked and said uh, you’re my girlfriend.
I ended up going to see her and meet her family. She never came to me and it was two hours away. Her mom was great, but her dad hated me—he’s homophobic. That’s not the bad part. The bad part was two months later when I actually liked this girl, she went to be a counselor at a Christian camp and texted me to tell me God wants us to break up. So yeah.
13. Checked Her Out and Then Checked Out
When I was in high school, I met a guy from a different high school in a local chat room. We hit it off and after a few days we agreed to meet up at the store I worked at once I finished work. Well, I guess he showed up a little early, with a friend, and came through my check stand. I thought it was him—we’d swapped photos—but I was really shy and didn’t want to be wrong.
I waited for him to introduce himself, but he never did, and he and his friend paid for whatever they had and left without conversation. I was still hopeful that wasn’t the guy, so I waited up for him for an hour after my shift. Of course, he never showed, because that absolutely was the guy. He must have been disappointed when he met me in the checkout line and instead of being a decent person and saying he wasn’t interested, he just ghosted me.
If I could go back in time, I definitely would have said something to him at the check stand. That’s my one regret.
14. The Truth Isn’t Dead, Dad
On the game RuneScape, my sister and I made friends with this guy. He was super chill, and once my whole neighborhood got together and started playing, we all came to know this guy and exchanged phone numbers. He called me a few times, usually asking about quests specifically. I remember him asking about silver light.
He lived close by, so he visited us a few times via bike, but we always hung out outside so our parents never really met him. Well, one of my neighborhood friend’s parents found out and flipped the heck out. This was during that whole “every online friend is a predator phase.” They refused to believe that we were all the same age.
These parents told everyone else’s parents and everyone including me got grounded from the computer for months. My dad interrogated our online friend over the phone and threatened him, then concluded that he was in fact the same age as us and not a 40-year-old man with a voice changer because HIS parents got into an argument with my dad. It was a total circus.
15. Thief Hubris
Wasn’t me, it was two blocks from me though. Kid opened a craigslist ad for an iPhone 5. He would meet them outside the closed elementary school at an agreed upon time and rob them with what appeared to be a handgun. Twist, He left the same ad up and just kept robbing people. Cops eventually answered the ad and busted him. Once they got into his account, they found he had six more jobs planned.
I matched with a girl and sent a lot of messages. Later that night we talked on the phone and the conversation was going really well so I asked to go out the next night. She agreed and then five minutes later she tells me that needs to tell me something. She tells me that she’s permanently in a wheelchair. So, I’m either a jerk if I back out now or a jerk if I lead her on.
I figure why not? It’s just a date and it could be a fun time still. We talk more that night and go to bed, the next morning she calls me early and tells me she’s doing something crazy. She won’t tell me what but she said she’ll show me later. A few hours go by and she calls me back and tells me she’s going to send me a pic of what she did—and my blood runs cold.
I check my messages and I see a picture of her wrist with my name now tattooed on it. We end the call and I immediately tell my friends about this crazy girl. Later that night I’m driving to her place because I figure, she can be committed enough to tattoo my name on her, I should be committed enough to go on this date. Plus, I have to know it it’s real.
I’m almost at her place and I realize that my car may not accommodate her wheelchair and I know she drives so I ask if she can drive us. I’m walking in the parking lot and she drives up and I get in the car. Now I had figured she had a handicapped enabled car. Nope. It turns out she just uses two crutches to drive, one on the gas and one on the brake. I don’t like this as we’re driving on the southern California freeways in traffic.
We go eat and she gets a phone call from her daughter. This is where things completely went off the rails. It turns out she left her 10-year-old daughter at home alone and she’s scared. I’m like hey we can go. But she’s like no it’s okay I gave her something to make her sleep she’ll be asleep soon. So, we finish up and I was going take her to see a movie, but the kid thing was too much so we head home and my fingers are already crossed that we make it when she turns to me while driving and says “Wow, I’m kind of drunk!”
In my head I’m like, one drink is all you had! But I ask if I can drive and she says no she’s going get in the fast lane and uses her crutch to hit the gas. I say my last prayers but we made it back to her place. So, I wheeled her back to her door said goodbye and lived. Tattoo was real though.
17. That Was Not The Deal
I called a woman to buy a heavy bag from her. She said, “The price today is $35.00.” I said sounds good, but I don’t think I can get there today. Can I come get it tomorrow? She said yes. I get there the next morning, and offer her the $35.00 (two twenties) and say, we said $35.00, right? She said that was the price yesterday. Today it’s $40. I stopped and said, “You’re joking right?”
She said, “No, $40 is the price today.” I turned around to leave and she got upset saying something like I agreed to buy it, we had a deal, she stayed home so I could pick it up, etc. I said, “That was before the price was $40. I offered you $35 and you said ‘no.’ Sell it to the guy who agreed to pay $40. Goodbye.”
She was still yelling at me as I left.
18. Up in Palms
I made the mistake of taking this girl out around my friends. She started reading palms and telling everyone they were going to have miscarriages and abortions. Everyone.
19. Hands to Yourself
This woman seemed really cool. We were both 25, she’d just finished her masters, and was job hunting. She was fit, witty, and had piercings. I was a fan. We meet. Well, fit was apparently five years prior, but there was a 70-85 lb. difference from photo to reality and she was “trying to get back to her normal weight” and so thought it appropriate to use the older photos.
I’m a pretty fit guy and have always been fairly health conscious so this doesn’t appeal to me, but we can be friends. She’s witty though, so we talk. Where’s the wit? I toss her a couple of verbal jousts. Nothing. It turns out her roommate had been helping her reply to messages. That’s cool, I can be friends with nice people who aren’t witty.
Okay, well her nose ring is actually a weirdly shiny wart that she tries to pass off as a nose ring because she’s embarrassed by it. All of this isn’t the worst part though. We were out for dinner and went to a decent gourmet pizza joint with low lights, thin crusts, and wine. Without asking, she reaches over and starts picking toppings of my pizza. Pardon me, but keep your hands off my prosciutto! It was unforgivable.
20. Got a Spare
I met a woman for a date and there wasn’t lot of chemistry, but she worked two interesting jobs, and there were no real warning signs. For a second date she invites me to this picnic campout thing where she didn’t know the people very well. We talk about how most of her friends are guys and most of mine are girls. She says she is bringing her “crew” along. The crew turns out to be another guy and 2 dogs.
I engage the guy, he is super friendly and nice, spends his time fetching things for her, playing with children. We know some of the same people. After about 5 hours that I’m sitting alone with her, and ask, “How long have you known Tim?” She says, “Oh, I meet him through OkCupid 3 months ago. He’s going through a divorce and he’s not sure if he is going to have his kids or not, and I don’t want to date anyone with children.”
21. All Boys Are the Same
I met up with a girl from OkCupid whose photo was nothing like her in real life (in a bad way), on the date she spent about an hour telling me how she falls out with her friends all the time and generally being self-obsessed and uninteresting. I felt no connection/spark and was polite but said that I didn’t want to see her again and made my excuses and left.
Two minutes after leaving she texted me saying that she had never met anyone like me and thought we had something special. I politely reply and let her know I didn’t want to see her again and she keeps texting which I ignore as she isn’t getting the message. A couple of weeks later she sends me a string of abusive messages. “Why are all guys the same,” “You should put on your cv that you’re a dickhead” etc. etc. All after one brief date!
22. The Worst Shrek Movie
Went on a date with a Navy boy, he seemed smart and sweet online. He picks me up in this incredibly ostentatious yellow Camaro, which I have the sneaking suspicion he borrowed as it was a stick and dude was having a terrible time driving it. We decide to go walk on the boardwalk for a while, so he pulls into a parking garage—and that’s when things started going completely off the rails.
In his attempt to park the car, he completely sideswipes the car next to us, leaving yellow paint all across their car. He didn’t even act like anything happened, so I say, “Umm, I think you may have hit the car next to us.” He gets out, looks at it, then climbs back in and goes, “I guess we should park somewhere else” and peels out before I could even say anything.
Fast forward, the date is going poorly (as a hit and run is never a good start), and it’s miserably hot out so we decide to see a movie. It happened to be Shrek The Final Chapter—a kid’s movie. He has his feet on the seats in front of us, which is no big deal, until a dad holding his toddler daughter comes in and the only seats still open are the ones in front of us.
The dad goes to sit down; Navy boy doesn’t move his feet; in fact, he even moves his feet forward a bit so that he hits the dad in the head. The dad looks back at us, and then Navy boy sighs heavily, takes his feet down, looks at me and goes, “My feet were there first.”
After the movie he asked if I wanted to go to dinner, I said no, he drops me off (I’m surprised he didn’t drop the transmission as well…) and asks when he can see me again, he had a great time. Married five years now! Just kidding, I took a mental note of his license plates and called the parking garage. Did not see again.
23. Misleading Photos
I met a guy online, and in all of his pictures, he had a tight-lipped smile. When we met in real life, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He had not one whole tooth. What teeth he had were yellow stumps. He also did not have all of his fingers. It was a rather traumatic experience because I was caught off guard and didn’t know how to respond.
If he had been upfront about it, I would have felt way less awkward. I am not in a hurry to get back online.
24. Playing the Game
I met a girl on Xbox Live when I was 17, playing Black Ops 2. We ended up exchanging Instagram handles, and eventually phone numbers. She was in Texas & I am in Washington. After about six months, we started to do long distance dating, as we’d both taken an interest in one another. However, I had to accept that I was probably never going to meet her due to the distance, so I broke things off after a few months.
Apparently she didn’t like that. Two days later, I came home from school to make a bizarre discovery. She was sitting on my front porch with her bags. She packed up her life and moved to Washington because she wanted to be with me. We ended up dating and living together for three years until she left me for another guy that she met on Xbox while playing a game that I bought for her.
25. There’s Something Between Us
We went to a convention, and he drunkenly told me and my boyfriend that he wished we weren’t together, so he could sleep with me. It was very awkward, and he’s lucky my boyfriend—now husband—is a patient man.
26. BFF Stands for “Big Freaking Fake-down”
It was my friend “Kate,” who befriended this girl, “Jessica,” who allowed us to come and stay with her when we traveled to the US. Jessica was rude to me instantly and kept my friend away from me. I’d go upstairs, and she’d find a reason for them to go downstairs. She had Kate share her bedroom, and she’d lock the door for hours, and so I’d just go off and do my own thing.
We met her two (odd) friends and they both ignored me. When it was time for Kate and I to move on to another state, Jessica insisted on coming with us. The lady we stayed with in another state, “Robin,” took no BS and called Jessica out on her strange behavior. That’s when things took a disturbing turn. Jessica proceeded to lock herself in a room and demanded Kate stay in there with her.
They were in there all day and eventually, Kate came out and said to me that there’s something wrong with Jessica and she’s actually scared. We (Kate and I) had plans to stay with another online friend, “Matt,” in another state and Jessica demanded we cancel because she doesn’t like or trust Matt. We said no, this is our holiday and we’ve paid for flights, and Jessica said then she will come with us, but we can’t meet up with Matt.
We said no, she cried, we left. Kate blocked her on everything. Kate’s mother called us not long after saying Jessica contacted her crying, saying Kate is in danger and we abandoned Jessica, and she’s so concerned for my friend’s safety. As I recall, she claimed to be concerned about Matt and basically wanted Kate’s mum to tell us to stay with Jessica.
It was actually incredibly scary. Kate found out later from another girl—they all knew each other from a forum—that Jessica had been telling everyone they were in love and had even slept together. I don’t know how much of that is true, but I’ve known Kate for 20 years now and she’s never identified as anything but straight. She denied it 100%.
Jessica was just obsessed with her, and months later Kate heard Jessica was telling everyone she was saving money to come to our country to find Kate. She never did, thankfully. Other than the time spent with this girl, we had a great holiday and made some good friends.
27. Surprise! Gun Trade Gone Wrong
A buddy’s dad was attempting to make a gun trade over a gun trading website, and asked to meet at a local convenience store. Well, the people inside thought that they were being robbed by two middle-aged men with rifles and proceeded to call the cops. About 10 police cars showed up and surrounded them with guns drawn. Needless to say, he is more discreet now.
28. Petty Theft
When I worked as a bartender for a while, this one girl who was a regular came in and told me about an awful Tinder date she had. Not sure of the specifics, but it wasn’t bad enough for her to not bring him home afterward. He leaves the next morning, she brushes it off as a one-night stand, and a few days later, her debit card gets declined.
Odd, since she is a bartender herself at a fairly busy place in our city and is good about saving and usually flush with cash. She goes to check her debit card and it turns out there were a bunch of charges at Best Buy, Grubhub, a bunch of other stuff. Curious, she checks her credit card too. There she found a bunch of charges for streaming services—Netflix, Hulu, everything.
She goes to confront the guy and finds out he deleted his profile. But she remembers a friend they had in common on Facebook. She reaches out to the mutual friend to try and track him down and it turns out he did the exact same thing to that mutual friend. I’m not sure of the outcome, but she was out for blood after a mediocre hookup turned into a serious case of identity theft.
29. I’m Too Old for This
When I joined Reddit about 7 years ago, I saw someone mention my hometown in a comment thread. I messaged that person, and we began chatting. She seemed very cool and intelligent, and one day she invited me to stop by her family’s yard sale. I was picturing someone my age (late 20s) who was living alone. Instead, I stumbled upon a 13/14-year-old girl and her boyfriend.
They were both so young and nerdy that I could barely communicate with them—they literally spoke in memes. It was like they’d never had friends before. And both of her parents were clearly raging drunks and high on painkillers, and they tried to hit me up for money. It was creepy as heck. After I was there for about 15 minutes, she looked at me and said, “Awkward Penguin?” and I responded, “Yup, Awkward Penguin.” Then I got in my car and left forever.
30. A Considerate Thief
My friend was trying to buy something off craigslist. He made arrangements to meet somewhere, agreed on a price blah blah blah. Couple minutes later, the guy calls my friend back and says, “Hey man, don’t come. I was just going to rob you, but I heard some kids in the background when we were talking on the phone.”
After a movie date with a guy I met on Tinder, we went back to my place. I told him we could hang for a bit but I have work in the morning so I would need to go to sleep soon. Dude said that was fine, but he was hungry and he was going to order food. Ok sure. Dude orders 2 large subs from PotBelly and a milkshake. Downs it. No judgment, he’s 6’4, 210 lbs., younger still growing, by all means. I didn’t think anything of it until later.
We end up messing around a bit and fall asleep in bed. I wake up to my front door opening and closing several times over a 5-minute period. My dogs are going nuts, and it’s 1 AM. What the heck is this guy doing? I open the door to my room that opens up to the rest of my apartment and my bathroom is to the left where the light is on and the door is wide open, I walk around the corner—and almost puke. I instantly make eye contact with Dude who is in a squatting position over my toilet, with a stick, poking around in murky brown poop water that is millimeters from overflowing onto my bathroom floor.
Horrified, he yells, “Stop looking at me! Go back to bed! I have it under control!” I’m still waking up trying to understand what I’m seeing and what’s going on, and I just start nervous laughing I don’t know what else to do. He yells, “Why don’t you have a plunger?!?” And I said I don’t know I never needed one until now!! He tells me to go back to bed he has it under control, I’m so disturbed, tired, can’t process what’s happening and have work in the morning I go back to bed. I remember hearing him peek in my room a bit later and heard, “I fixed it,” and then heard him leave and my door close behind him.
The next morning. I hesitantly approach my toilet to find the water is down. But there is something poking out from the bottom of the toilet like he didn’t get it all. Upon further inspection, what I was seeing was the tip of a stick. Some gloves, towels and BBQ tongues later I pulled out approximately 3 foot of stick from my toilet that had broken off, followed by several other stick fragments.
Dude had broken several sticks. I heard my door open and close so much because he was going outside to look for a stick, one would break, he’d go get another. Dude had left drippy poop water stains all over my bathroom floor. He also left my apartment so fast that he left his underwear, and undershirt and socks. After work that day, I went straight to the store and bought a plunger. Lesson learned.
32. Short Getaway
My friend matched with a guy and turned up to their date. He told her he was 6 ft. and was WAY shorter than that. Then he kept telling her how he would murder someone and get away with it during the entire date. There was no second one.
33. Planning A Robbery
I’m actually dealing with a bit of a sketchy situation right now. I had my wife list a mattress for $50. I originally paid $800 for it, and it’s only 3 years old. Only one person emailed us, but never replied when we followed up. So we decided to list it again for free. We received numerous replies this time, most of which were incredibly rude or demanding.
We picked the only polite one out of the bunch and responded. My wife initially wanted to just email them our address and tell them to come get it. I argued it, saying it was a terrible idea and to see if they follow up with us before giving them any real information. So they reply, we text them our address and tell them to bring a friend so they can carry it down from the third floor, and they had a timeframe of a couple hours to come get it.
They don’t respond. 6 hours later, we finally get a response saying, “Hi, are you home?” To which we reply yes. No response again. Getting suspicious. Being in the law enforcement community, I am starting to feel like they may have intentions to rob us, which is why they are making the process slow. Maybe asking us when we’re home so they can break in.
Needless to say, we won’t be responding to them anymore.
34. Worst First Kiss
I went on a date with a handsome, smart, funny guy who was getting his PhD in mechanical engineering. We had a fantastic time though he did get a little awkward with his humor at times. Normally I don’t kiss on the first date, but I had such a nice time, so when he walked me back to my car and went in for the kiss, I reciprocated. Holy. Ouch. Terrible.
I couldn’t get away. I made up some lame excuse, “I gotta go let the dog out,” and left. The next morning, I woke up with a bruised lip. Five days later, I went to the ER, sicker than I’d ever been. It Turned out I had mono AND strep throat. I wrote him a text apologizing saying that he might want to go to the doctor…his response? “LOL. I had that.” He gave it to me.
She grabbed my junk and then told me it was bigger than her husband’s. Date over. I only go crazy when it’s not married.
36. Punning Photos
My dad had been on Match.com for about three months with some success as he’s a tall Australian man who’s decent looking so he had some interest. One weekend he got sent his first “sexy pic” which he thought was strange, but brushed it off. Later that week he got six more pictures from the same woman. Before he blocked her, he decided that he would open them just for kicks.
Five of the pictures are just straight up coochie shots, which he said were incredibly unappealing and had terrible lighting. The sixth picture however was something different. The woman was standing in her bra in front of a mirror, no bottoms, winking, with a bunch of herbs shoved in her bra. Basil, parsley, thyme, all that good stuff. The caption on the picture was “spice rack.” She was swiftly blocked after my dad stopped laughing long enough to find the block button.
37. A Big Deal
On OkCupid, Summer 2006, I met a girl in West Hollywood and we went to dinner. She turned out to be way bigger than her pictures, insanely rich, was Ozzie Osborne’s cardiologist’s daughter or something like that, and had a nasty drug habit. The whole date she was doing drugs in the bathroom and barely ate her food, and then afterward, we went back to her place where she visibly spiked my drink with a mickey and then asked me to tie her up.
Then she refused to allow me to drive my car out of her garage, leaving me to wait in my car all night until the morning when I followed someone out. She called three days later to say that I caused her miscarriage. Did not know she was pregnant.
38. PM’d Into a Love Triangle
I’d been chatting to a girl for quite some time and finally ended up visiting her house about 50 miles away for an evening of enjoying each other’s company. We wake up the next morning to loud noises, which turned out to be her fiancé, who I knew nothing about, ripping a window off its hinges and climbing in as she’d locked him out.
There was a strange car on the driveway, so he thought she might be in trouble. Alas, it was me in trouble, as this guy was huge, and a bit upset by this point. I managed to talk him down and explain the situation, to then find she had called the police and accused him of breaking and entering. During the time the police were questioning him, I made my escape and high-tailed it out of there.
39. A Chinchilla Gained
We meet at a local pub for a few drinks, and we get chicken fingers. The conversation is terrible, but I notice she’s taking the chicken fingers and ripping them up in her hands and putting the breading in her huge purse. So naturally, I call her out on it. She smiled and said, “Oh, I’m just feeding Sammy” and pulled out a fat chinchilla from her purse.
She plopped the thing in the middle of the table and it just kinda chilled out. I played with the chinchilla a bit and she kinda got mad at me for playing with it and back in the purse it went. I was ready to call it and leave, but she mentioned she could go for some ice cream, and I was cool with it. So we go to Ben & Jerry’s.
We get to talking about tattoos and piercings, and she tells me she has nipple piercings, and I’m like, “Oh?” and then she pulls down her shirt, in the middle of Ben and Jerrys at 8:00 p.m. and shows me her nipples. I had no idea how to react. So then I decide to walk her to her car. She kiss attacks me, and well, she WAS kinda cute so I made out with her, sort of, her lips were tense the whole time and she licked my teeth.
I friended her on Facebook for some reason after that. She had a Facebook page for her chinchilla that had more friends then I did. A few months later, the chinchilla passed and its Facebook was a memorial page where a bunch of people (like, 35) commented how much they missed it.
I liked one of her statuses and she called me crying. I unfriended her but not the chinchilla. RIP Sammy.
40. Prize Specimens
Highlights of my experience with online dating include the dude that kept texting me pictures of ol’ Adolf H. until I blocked him, several dudes who got too drunk to stand, one guy who puked as I tucked him in and then got mad because I didn’t sleep with him, and finally, the guy who licked my face with no preamble on the ride home. Yeah, I’m about done.
41. One Stinky Date
We meet up, and she’s immediately asking me about my job and salary. We have a similar job, with it being a new role and she’s been there for a while, so she’s making more than I am. Good for her. We go get some drinks. I hit the bathroom and when I come back there are three drinks on the table. One for me and two for her. Interesting…maybe this means I’m getting lucky.
She downs her drinks and orders another two. I’m still working on my one. She starts talking about her friend is getting married and she’s single and her life isn’t going anywhere. Then she starts crying. THEN she calls her friend and invites her out on our date. Next thing you know, she’s in the bathroom, barfing. She comes back covered. She’s crying, she pooped herself, she doesn’t have any money on her, so she hopes I don’t mind being stuck with the $100 bill.
She messages me the next day telling me I’m a jerk for not calling her, and maybe we should try getting together again that night. Nope!
42. Blame It on the Mai Tai
I went on a Tinder date a couple months ago on a Sunday afternoon. I met up with the guy around 3, he had a really good energy and was funny and complimentary. The place we wanted to go had a long line, so we went to another restaurant on the water for a drink and appetizers. He started slamming down Mai Tais. I had one, he had 3. They were STRONG. Like, I was tipsy borderline drunk off of one. The bar had a 2 Mai Tai per person limit, but he found another bartender to get his 3rd.
He got drunker and drunker and started telling me he loved me, joking at first but getting increasingly serious. As we left, he asked me to marry him, I kind of laughed it off, and was like “maybe we take it slow, we just met each other.” He got so mad he stormed off and left me on a street corner. Then as soon as he got home around 5 PM, he started texting me “come over.” And “I miss you.” He was 43.
43. Please Do Not Touch
I met a guy, chatted, and he seemed relatively normal. We go for our first date in a pub, a well-lit pub. We’re having a couple drinks, talking and whatnot, I see his hands under the table, moving around. It cannot be. OH. BUT IT IS. He was touching himself. Apparently, I was turning him on too much and he couldn’t help himself. The date ended pretty quickly after that.
The follow-up is when I got home, he’d sent me an epically long email about how I was fat and ugly and a tease and even worse things. Oh, and ended it with the phrase, “Don’t bother responding, because I will not read it.” Done and done!
44. Just Got One of Those Facts I Suppose
I met up with a girl I’d talked to online. I see a girl answering her description at the meeting place we arranged. I walk up and say, “Are you Jane?” There’s a pause. She looks very uncomfortable. She says, “Uh…no.” At this point we both know it is her, but she’s taken one look at me and wants out. There is another long pause. She walks away. So do I.
45. Nightmare from Overseas
Here’s my story: Six or seven years ago, I was a regular IRC chatter. I started talking to a girl there (let’s call her Jenny), and we hit it off. She had a wry, somewhat cynical sense of humor. I realized that she was maybe ten years younger than me, but since—according to her—she was over 18, meeting up shouldn’t be a problem. She lived in Florida; I live in Denmark. I had no idea what I was getting into.
So, one evening, we talk about her visiting over the summer. I go to cook dinner and when I finish eating, sign back on IRC. She tells me that she’s bought a ticket and will stay for three months. I tell her, “Whoa, that’s a really long time, I was thinking a couple of weeks or so.” But since she has already paid for the ticket, I feel forced to let her stay. Fortunately, many of the other people in the IRC channel where we hang out are also Danes and want her to visit them.
During the time we have known each other, she has sent photos of herself, and I’m quite surprised when she looks nothing like her photos. When I meet her at the airport, I expect to see a chubby young woman, but I was not expecting her to be 150 cm tall and just as wide (at least). I’m 180 cm and weigh about 90 kgs; I’m fairly sure she weighs more than I do.
Now, I’m not a shallow person, so I think to myself, “Well, at least she has a great personality, right?” WRONG! Over the next two days, I find out that not only is she immature and sheltered, but apparently her whole world is made up of deceit, lies and HUGE amounts of drama. She has lied about so many things, including—and I don’t find out about this until the day before she leaves—her age. But more on this later.
She has apparently also told her parents that she is visiting her friend Cathy in Denmark, who is married to a brain surgeon. I don’t know anyone named Cathy. I am not a brain surgeon, but a photographer. If things don’t go exactly according to her plan, she will immediately start wailing and sobbing, stamping her feet and punching the walls.
So, when I confront her and ask her why she has been lying to her parents, she throws the mother of all hissy fits. Eventually, after two hours of coaxing, I manage to talk her down. On the third day, my nerves are frayed from her drama and lies. I can’t make any sense of her cockamamie web of deceit. My apartment is so messy that I don’t recognize it.
She insists she will do the cooking, and to her credit, she did not do a bad job of the actual food preparation. But unfailingly, every single time she has cooked a meal, every single pot, pan, and utensil will be dirty, and I will spend 40 minutes to an hour doing the dishes. She eats around the clock. Every day, I completely restock the fridge.
On the fifth day, I tag in one of my friends and his wife (who is American—we can call them Hank and Gabby) and arrange with them to let Jenny stay with them for a few days, and then send her off to meet up with her other internet friends in the area. I am exhausted, and honestly, very tired of taking care of this petulant little compulsive liar who completely wrecks my apartment every single day.
My friend (let’s call him Matthew) flies in from Sweden while Jenny is away, and we spend two days completely cleaning up all the mess Jenny has made. We discover that she has gouged deep furrows into my brand new and expensive dining table by using it as a cutting block. She has also broken the showerhead. I have no idea how.
Matthew stays for four days; we watch movies and go for photography walks around the city. The day after he goes back home, Jenny returns. In less than an hour, she completely wrecks my apartment. At this point, I’ve had enough, and I tell her that she has to change the date of her return flight because I’ve gotten a photography assignment abroad. Cue wall-pounding, insane rage for an epic six hours.
At my wits’ end, I call Hank and Gabby to ask them for advice. Gabby picks up, and as soon as she hears the wailing in the background, she tells me they’ll be right over. When Jenny finds out, she stops crying and runs to the bathroom. The shower starts running. Hank and Gabby come over, and Gabby, who also has had enough, has some choice words for Jenny, who does not reply.
They help me put all of Jenny’s things in, on, or near her suitcase, and as we’re doing this we find her passport, which clearly states that she is, in fact, sixteen years old. Not my proudest moment. We finish packing, and then they go home. As soon as the door shuts, Jenny unlocks the bathroom door. Apparently, she has been sitting in the shower, on the drain, thus flooding the entire bathroom with a good inch or so of water.
I hand her the phone and tell her to either call the airline to book a new return flight or call the nearest hotel to make arrangements with them for the rest of her stay in Denmark. She turns on the waterworks again, but when she sees the look on my face, she immediately stops and does as told. The next morning, she leaves, bawling her head off.
I have had enough at this point and can’t be bothered to even walk her to the station, which is four minutes away by foot. The day after, she calls and tells me she got home all right, and thank you for a wonderful time and can she please come visit again soon. I tell her that we will have to discuss this later, as I’m about to leave my apartment for a photo job downtown (which is true).
While I’m out, she calls my home phone 197 times, my cell phone, which is on silent, 337 times, and there are also 53 emails when I open my Outlook. These numbers are factual, not exaggerations. This is the final straw. Next time she calls, I lose it and yell at her incoherently, tell her to never contact me again, and hang up. I block her from all avenues that I can think of where she might be able to contact me, and that, fortunately, is that.
If you’ve made it this far, I thank you. Things have gotten better for me. I’m married to a gorgeous Japanese woman who I’ve known ever since she was an exchange student here eight years ago and who is moving here in just about a month, and life is good.
46. Not All of Them Can Be Exciting
I was a member of an NFL football team’s fan forum. One of the guys who posted regularly had the most humorous and energetic online personality of the whole group. We decided to meet up at one of the games. He was the most boring person I’ve ever met in real life. I left at halftime because I just could not stand his company anymore.
47. Caught Swiping
I was single and on Tinder. One day, I was scrolling through and made a disturbing discovery. I saw my sister’s boyfriend on there. I thought, what the heck is this? And then I came up with a plan to get revenge. I made a fake profile to catfish him and talked to him for a bit—it was obviously him, and I got his number.
Showed it to my sister and she broke up with him. Mission accomplished, jerkwad.
48. Just Teen Stuff
When I was 16 a girl I knew told me to add her guy friend on Myspace. He and I would stay up all night talking on AIM and eventually decided to try a long-distance relationship. He kept planning to visit and whatnot, but it never happened. I soon wised up and realized the girl had made him up. She proceeded to do the same thing to another friend who refused to believe me when I told her he didn’t exist. Oh, teenagers.
49. Fake Man
Met a girl on OkCupid and had some nice conversations online with her and she seemed really nice and cool. We scheduled a night to meet at a bar. When I show up I see a girl who looks kind of like the girl who I saw in the profile pictures. Only her hair was blonde instead of brown and she was pretty overweight.
I tried to make eye contact as she was with four other people at a table and she ignored me. I assumed she was somebody else and continued waiting while I sapped on a beer. She finally comes over and introduces herself with a huge slur (she is totally wasted) and gets really angry at me for not approaching her to say hello (even though I didn’t know it was her because she doesn’t look like her profile pics).
I’m like whatever I just want a beer…so we have a couple beers and she is getting REALLY tanked (more so than could have been caused by the beer she drank) and I found out she was sipping 151 in the bathroom with two of her girlfriends. Both of her friends were succubae as well and verbally explained how they thought I wasn’t a “real man.”
50. Really Nosey
I went on a date after talking to this guy for a few weeks and I told him I was thinking of getting my nose pierced but was afraid it would hurt. We are walking through a park in broad daylight and this dude takes a safety pin out of his pocket and jams it through his nostril. Blood pours down his face. He laughs and says, “See? No big deal.”
51. Laying My Eyes on You
I messaged a girl who wanted to meet up, so I go out to the coffee shop and she’s not there. I ask her what’s up and she totally admits to being a dude catfishing me just so he could check me out in public, and goes on a rant about what a shame it is that I’m a lesbian because he’d totally sleep with me. I feel like the creepiest part for me was that he never once tried to get naked pics or anything, which I’d at least understand the effort for, he just wanted to stare at me in public.
52. Too Young to Run
The time I got catfished was the last time I tried to meet a girl online. I was a junior in college and had been talking to this girl a few states away for weeks online. She claimed to be 19 (I was 20) and she was a cute redhead in the pics she sent me, so I chatted her up regularly even though she lived far away.
At some point, she surprises me with her plan to take a bus out to my university and spend the weekend hanging out and partying with me. When I picked her up at the bus stop I barely recognized her. She sort of looked like the cute redhead I had pictures of, but waaaaaay younger, like she could be the daughter of the girl I had been talking to online.
I played it cool, trying to be a gentleman, but quickly decided that spending the weekend partying with what appears to be a 14-to-16-year-old would be a bad idea. I told her that there were no good parties on the docket and took her home to my parents’ house where I figured we could lay low until Sunday when I could shuffle her back onto a bus and be rid of the jailbait.
Well, late the next evening while we were sitting on the living room floor watching a movie with my parents, the phone rings. I answered the phone to hear a crying woman pleading to know where her daughter was and if she is ok. That’s when it hit me… I was harboring a freakin’ teenage runaway.
I got the girl on the phone with her mom and started grabbing all of her stuff and putting in my car. Apparently, her mom had found my phone number on their phone bill and traveled to my school looking for her daughter. I promised to meet her on campus with her daughter ASAP. Well, we didn’t even make it out of the driveway before the police cars showed up.
The cop looked at me, then pointed to the girl and said, “Is that her?”, and I replied, “Yeah, take her home man” and that was it. Luckily for me, I think this girl may have had a history of running away from home because they didn’t ask me a single question or anything they just took the girl and left.
Then my mom came out into the driveway asking why the cops were there… I had some ‘splainin’ to do. And then, when I returned to school, all of my roommates and neighbors told me that the campus police, local police, and state police had been scouring the campus for me and an underage runaway. I spent the next couple weeks explaining to everyone I knew how I got hoodwinked by an internet girl and that the police had the story wrong. It could have gone worse I suppose…
53. Welcome to the 21st Century
I had a guy that I met online pat me on the head and say that my belief in the inherent equality of the genders was “cute.” No more dates.
54. The Doctor Is out (of Existence)
My very good friend Ben’s dad has always had an online girlfriend called “Dr. Sam.” She was the reason Ben’s parents divorced about 12 years ago. I don’t know the story of early Dr. Sam, just that she claimed to be a doctor of some kind, and also have some kind of cancer. Steve (Ben’s dad) sent Dr. Sam all kinds of money. Enough that his wife divorced him.
When those little hands-free phone headsets came out, he got one and was on the phone with her literally every second of the day. She would make him talk to her cats on the phone, and he’d be places like the grocery store, meowing into a headset no one could see. He tried to visit her many times, but every time he had his tickets squared away, she’d come up with the most ridiculous excused.
Her cancer would come back and she’d need emergency medical treatment, or (I kid you not) her pet tiger would bite her and she’d go to the hospital. Steve is a high-ranking naval officer. When he had to go to Afghanistan a few years ago, he sent his cat to live with Dr. Sam. She had it put down immediately, because “he wasn’t happy.”
Eventually, Dr. Sam claimed to have died. I wouldn’t believe a word of this if Ben’s mother hadn’t confirmed all of it.
55. Playing the Field
There was a guy I never even actually met because I got a super creepy vibe from him, but he would send out mass texts regularly asking if I wanted to do anything that night. I could tell it was a mass text because it showed the numbers of everybody else, he was texting on my iPhone. Conversation, after many ignored texts, goes as follows:
Him: Hey, want to do anything tonight? Me: Can you please remove me from this mass text list? I’ve never even met you. Him: This isn’t a mass text lol. Me: (Screenshot where it lists everybody else he’s texting). Him: Oh lol. You caught me. Random Stranger: Yeah, we can all read this. Me: Yeah bye.
56. An Elaborate Exit
We met on OkCupid, hit it off really well. She made cosplay video game weapons (like Tidus’ sword or what have you) and was funny and I was a huge dork who did not know how to talk to women. We met for dinner and a movie and, sometime during the movie, she gets a call and sends it to voicemail.
After the movie ends, she finally checks her voicemail—and receives the most horrible news of her life. Her best friend has been in a bad car accident and she needs to go now. She freaks out, can’t find her car, and I drive her around the parking lot looking for it while I struggle to think of anything to say and end up not saying anything.
I called once or twice after that but she never answered. So, either a tragic end to the night or she managed to avoid a second date in the most dramatic and elaborate way ever.
57. This Isn’t a Party-Line
Never actually met him, but I played Apex with a dude pretty regularly, almost every day. We finally exchanged info, and then he used to call me repeatedly in depressed fits whine about how girls don’t like him. It sucks cause I wanted to help but like, he once it hit 36 calls in one day. I had to block him.
58. Mr. Big Shot
Bare with me—it gets good towards the end. This happened a couple years ago. The receptionist at one of my clients’ talked/begged me into meeting her best friend who just moved to LA from Phoenix. She swore up and down we were perfect for each other. I checked out her OKC profile, chatted back and forth for a few days then talked to the mystery girl once on the phone and we decided to meet for dinner & drinks at a local bar and grill after her shift (she’s a nurse) was over on a Tuesday night.
We meet. She’s an adorable, petite, dirty blond with glasses and freckles. Totally my type. I could tell she was a bit nervous. We sit down and order drinks. She downs her apple martini in less than five minutes, orders another and apologizes, stating she wants to loosen up a bit because she’s nervous since her friend “talked me up” so much. Which is odd since I don’t even know her friend that well at all. Fast forward a bit. She ended up having two martinis before the appetizers came, two more in between appetizers, and three more during dinner and one more right before the check came.
Total martinis had by a 5’3″ ~110lb girl in a three-hour period: seven. Surprisingly the conversation during this period did quite well—but the train wreck was coming. As we were about to leave, she decided to use the restroom before we hit the road. She fell twice on the way and once on the way back. Since she was clearly hammered, I offered to drive her home and give her some cash for a cab in the morning to pick her car up. She agreed but declined the cash.
Mind you, it’s nearing midnight and I have to get up at 5:30 for work. As we are driving toward her apartment it becomes apparent that, combined with her drunken state and the fact she’s lived in the valley for less than two weeks, she forgot her address AND how to get herself home. We drive around North Hollywood and Studio City for an hour trying to remember her street or any local landmarks. This fails and I’m getting tired/frustrated.
I offer to let her stay at my place. Nothing weird. She can crash on my bed and I’ll take the couch. She’s ok with this. On my way back to my place she attempts to throw up out the car window but doesn’t realize the window was never open in the first place. Vomit everywhere. Now she’s crying and apologizing like crazy. I get her to my apartment, carry her up the three flights of stairs and toss her on my bed.
She’s out cold. I go downstairs and spend another 40 minutes cleaning out my car and finally get to sleep on my couch around 2 AM. Around 4:30 AM I’m awoken by a shrill scream coming from my bedroom. I run in wearing just my boxers, flip the light on. The girl pauses for a second, looks at me and screams more, backs into a corner and throws my nightstand lamp at me while yelling “Who exactly are you.”
It takes a minute for me to calm her down and explain the situation and remind her of our night. It eventually all comes back to her. She starts crying and apologizing. Again. After I calm her down some more, I give her a ride home. During our ride home the awkward silence is only broken by her apologizing while sobbing, telling me how to get to her place, and then asking if we “hooked up.”
I told her we didn’t and that I’m not the creepy type to take advantage of girls in her condition. She replied with something along the lines of “Oh, Ok. I’m not typically a lush and I’m definitely not easy. I was just super nervous and didn’t know my limit last night. You seem great and I hope we can see each other again.” I ended up saying “sure” just to avoid any more awkwardness, gave her an in-car hug and said goodnight.
The next day, while slothing around work in a meeting, she called. It went to voicemail. Immediately she called again…twice…finally she left a voicemail. Said voicemail went something like this “Soooo I was thinking about what I asked you on our way home last night in regard to us hooking up. Aaaaaand I’m kind of curious as to WHY you didn’t try anything with me. Is it because you think you’re too good for me huh? Mr. Big shot LA guy? Well, whatever. I’m not easy and don’t sleep around but you missed a shot at some awesome loving last night. So, whatever.” click…
That’s the end of it right? Nope—train wreck still happening. About half an hour later while I’m still in the meeting she calls and leaves another voicemail…this time crying: “I’m sorry about what I said earlier… I’m just having trouble adjusting to a new place. I’m homesick. You seem really great. Please call me back and please don’t ignore me. Please. I’m sorry.”
Needless to say, I didn’t call her back. Her friend, the receptionist, apologized profusely the next time I saw her. We didn’t talk much about it after that.
59. The Sharpest Hug
Girl lied about her weight in her photo. When we met, she said she would hug me, but all four cargo pockets on the front of her jacket were filled with broken glass. I was then regaled with a two-hour tale about her Harry Potter fanfiction, and all my attempts to politely change the conversation were brushed aside.
It got to the point where I dropped all pretenses and started on the cigs and texting other people. She didn’t really seem to mind and kept talking. I didn’t respond when she asked me for a second date.
60. Exclusive Fun Committee Membership
Went on one date. He would not stop talking about his “gorgeous” ex-wife. Also mentioned being a lawyer, his huge house, and what a tramp he’d been since his divorce about a million times. Was very self-absorbed and clearly just looking for hook-ups. Texted me the next day: “The fun committee is meeting at my house tonight.”
Me: “The fun committee?” Him: “Yeah you and I are the only members.” Me: “…”
Not mine, but my mother’s story. My sister and I were in our tweens/teens, and we had to chaperone a first/blind date between my divorced mom and this guy. One of her co-workers from her office, the Biology Department of the local college, set her up. So, we watch the movie, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. Yes, first time in theaters, I’m that old, sue me.
Mr. Dork was visibly frustrated a couple of times as he tried to follow the action and occasionally lets out a, “Why’d he do that?!” to my mom, as if she had seen it before. Each time there was a new trick the alien learned, he’d ask “How can he do that!?” or “What in the heck!?” in the same voice, just a little louder.
In the highest tension moments of the film, the alien is dying, the G Men take over the whole house, and they finally dial up some analysis and start yelling to each other, “He’s got DNA! He’s got DNA!” Mr. Dork has finally lost it. He stands up in the theater, and yells, “What in the… HECK is D N A!?”
Okay, it was the 80s and not everyone works in the biology department, but man, it was not obscure stuff even for kids who didn’t grow up with biology textbooks everywhere. As we leave the theater, my tween sister explains what DNA is, and I explain what it stands for, and why that would be an important thing to know about aliens. We never heard from Mr. Dork again.
62. Humiliated at the Pig Races
Chatted with a guy from an online dating site, we agreed to meet up at a fair. Both of us being super awkward we decided to not set a meetup place but just wander around and see if we would run into each other. -5 to social skills. We did. I knew he was on the larger side because of his picture, but in real life he was pretty rotund. No judgement, but it’s an important piece of the story.
So, we wander around for a couple hours, not going on any rides, not getting any food. Just looking at prize vegetables and livestock. When will this day end? Very soon. We decide to stop at a pig race and take a seat in the bleachers. Pig races are actually kind of fun. The last race is extra novel because it’s super chunky jowely pigs that can hardly run.
The announcer, for some reason, wanted to pick audience members to cheer on certain pigs. He announced that he would pick the fattest audience members to be cheerleaders for the fattest pigs, and was going to do his best to match people and pigs based on looks. What the heck, announcer?
So, my date gets picked as a cheerleader, along with a handful of other hapless audience members. The pigs trundle/wander down the racetrack for 15 minutes while we clap, and we quietly exit. After a particularly sweaty handshake, I leave. There is no second date.
63. Following up in Person
We were supposed to meet at 9 PM. He fell asleep and called me at 9:30 when I was already at the carnival. I told him not to bother coming as I didn’t want to see him. He asked for another chance and I agreed. Unfortunately, my dad got really ill and had to spend the next six weeks in the hospital with me visiting him daily. I had no time for dates and he got extremely mad.
He made a fake Instagram account which he used to follow me and everybody that I followed. He then saw me in a friend’s Instagram story and showed up to the restaurant we were at. He called me a liar and we had to threaten to call the police because he would not leave.
64. Kratomic Projectile
I went on a first date with a girl from Tinder at a Cajun restaurant in Dallas. I had read recently about some stuff called Kratom that is supposed to make you feel really relaxed and euphoric, and I had tried to make a tea from the recommended dosage the previous day, but I didn’t feel anything off of it. So, I figured if this stuff was supposed to make you be cool and euphoric then the best time to take it would be for a first date and since I didn’t feel anything from it the first time, I figured I should take more.
I wrapped a LOT of it up inside of balls of deli meat and swallowed those whole before the date. I then went to the lunch feeling nothing until I met the girl and sat down when I suddenly realized that something was seriously, seriously wrong. I came to the realization that I was a few seconds away from projectile vomiting up all that Kratom and deli meat in the middle the restaurant. I excused myself, got up from the table, made it a few steps towards the bathroom…and began to violently vomit.
At this point, I covered my mouth with my hands, began choking on my own vomit as I sprinted towards the bathroom, leaked a trail of vomit all over the floor in a path towards the bathroom, then continued to violently projectile vomit into the trash can in the bathroom. I then spent a while to clean my face and wash my arms and hands which were soaked in vomit. I then returned to the table and tried to survive the rest of the lunch date without dying of embarrassment. I felt like a huge jerk and was really embarrassed.
65. Wetting the Bed
I met this girl on Tinder and went for a lunch date. We had a pretty good connection so we decided to have dinner as well. After having a few drinks, one thing led to another and we ended up back at my place. We hooked up and went to sleep. Middle the night I wake up. She’s intensely staring at me while she’s crouched behind the bed. I asked her if everything is alright, she said yes and got back into bed…I thought “little creepy, but probably nothing to worry about.” I was so wrong.
She lays down to cuddle with me and she’s wet. At the time, I was like “dang I must just be a stallion.” Fast forward to the morning, she’s gone and there’s a wet puddle beside the bed. She peed on my floor. I still don’t understand it. I had a bathroom, but maybe she just got lost and couldn’t hold it? I did not hear from her again.
66. Just Like Mom
I talked to this guy for two weeks before we went out and no red flags so we ended up going out to dinner. I said I hadn’t been out in a while because I was trying to save money for a washer and dryer. He told me instead of saving for that I should save for a boob job. I didn’t even know how to reply so he followed up with, “No it’s not a bad thing, my sister and mom are both small chested and got boob jobs and they look amazing.”
This is all before the waitress even brought our drinks. I just got up and left.
67. Just the Benefits
I have far too many. I think the best would be when a guy drove by to pick me up and then texted me, “I can’t go out with you. I’m too superficial” after seeing me standing outside. This was at least six years and 50 lbs ago. So, I went back inside feeling really down about it. I get another text, “Ok, we can do it, but no dating or relationship stuff.” Unbelievable.
68. The Big Lie
This was back in the days of Myspace-style top-down bathroom photos. I saw this girl who was cute in her pictures and connected online and decided to meet up. I waited for her at a designated spot in a mall then got a call. She says “I think I can see you. Is that you in front of the store?” Meanwhile, I was trying to look all over for her, but there was a whale of a girl in my way, so I say, “I can’t see you; are you behind that huge lady”? …silence…then it hits me that the whale was her.
But to defend my shallowness, this girl was close to 300 and she had misleading photos. Needless to say, it was an awkward date. She ate a lot.
69. Self-Esteem Booster
I met a girl on Tinder. We had fun but in the end, it didn’t work out. After a few months, there just weren’t any feelings. Then, she shared the darkest story I’ve ever heard. She told me that the last guy she dated off of Tinder was once so drunk that he urinated and pooped in the bed while she slept beside him.
And that wasn’t even the worst guy she’d met! Since then, I see myself in a lot more positive light.
70. Not All Friends Should Be Forever and Ever and Ever
He got freakishly obsessive and possessive. We met online through a fandom. After a few years, the fandom pretty much fell apart but a handful of us stayed friends because we actually had a fair amount in common. D was very normal, the rest of the group seemed to love him, and about four years after just being online mates we met in person, it went fine.
We interacted a lot on FB and Instagram. I hit a really busy period in my life but managed to squeeze in a Christmas get-together at my place for my little group of friends, including D. After that, my online activity decreased drastically due to being busy and when I managed to get on FB, I noticed that most of the group were no longer friends with D, weird but whatever.
I checked my Messenger and saw message after message after message asking why I wasn’t responding, what was I doing, could we arrange a meet up, etc. I explained I was super busy, and it was also coming up to the anniversary of my mum’s death, so just give me some time and we’ll see about meeting up another time.
He said “Oh yeah, I forgot about the anniversary. You can have that day, but I expect a response after.” Screw that. I blocked him, so he sent email after email after email asking me, “What is your freaking problem, what the heck do you think you’re doing” etc., so I blocked his email too. After three very peaceful weeks, there was a knock on my door: it was D, and he had a six-page letter detailing why we had to be friends.
I shut the door, used an anonymous email thing to tell him that if he contacted me again or showed up at my door, I would call the police. Went on Facebook and told everyone (including the two remaining mutual friends) about it all, and could the mutuals not share anything about me/my life and actively discourage him from attempting to make contact.
The friends who had long since unfriended him started messaging me that they stopped talking to him because of how creepy he was being in private messages about me, always asking if they knew what I was doing, had I talked to them, was I seeing anyone, was I actually busy because he was convinced wasn’t, etc.
In return, I told them how he’d been trying to convince me to stop being friends with them because according to him they were all sorts of horrible things and that they were incredibly jealous and hated how close he and I were, I assumed he was just butthurt because they stopped talking to him, so was just making up a bunch of nonsense about these people, who had always been perfectly nice to me.
One incredibly weird occurrence just before this all happened was me telling a mutual friend on FB that I was heading to the aquarium in London with my daughter for the day. That mutual friend was also in London that day with their daughter, so I said maybe we could grab a coffee and let the kids play in the park for a bit.
I checked my messages later that evening and D was incredibly upset because he’d waited at Farringdon station exit for two hours so he could come to the aquarium too, and I didn’t show up. We did not get off at that station, but one that was two stops after and closer to where we were going. I haven’t heard a peep in over a year, he has apparently deleted his Facebook and Instagram, and thankfully just disappeared.
71. Just One of the Girls
Not a horror story, but definitely weird. At 13 years old, I went to a show where my male online friend was also supposed to go. Not a big show and I was with my father, don’t worry. We were supposed to meet at one of the entrances, but he never showed up. When I asked him about it later, he said he must have been at the wrong entrance.
Over time we stopped talking, for no reason really. A few years later, one of our mutual online friends told me she learned that the guy in question was actually a girl. I don’t care about gender. The thing is that she wasn’t the one on any of the pictures she sent to us and our other friends, and her name wasn’t her real name—she totally invented another identity.
The worst part is that another of our friends even told us she got pregnant from “him.” I don’t know if she asked her to fake a pregnancy, or if it was her own idea, but that was really weird. Wonder what other things she lied to us about.
72. More Isn’t Always Merrier
My friends and I had this online friend who lived in a bordering state that we played games with all the time. He found out we were planning a big LAN party and asked if he could take the train down and come. We all thought it’d be cool, and I agreed to let him stay with me at my mom’s place. The guy was 6′ tall, 400+ pounds, and I don’t think showered often.
In the four days he was there, didn’t take a shower. Now, I’m not trying to rag on him, he was a nice guy and fun to play with, but it just goes with the story. He ended up falling asleep on my bed at one point, which was next to the window. We lived in basically the desert and it’s about 100 every day during summer. The blinds happened to be open and he literally was roasting in the sun.
The sweat had completely soaked the mattress—I so wish I was kidding—and the smell wouldn’t go away no matter how much we washed or scrubbed. Sadly, had to get rid of the mattress.
73. Not Your Prince Charming
I met a chick on Myspace that only had “angle” pictures and close-ups. I could tell that she wasn’t the hottest girl in the world, but I was bored so I figured I’d have a go just for fun. The second she showed up I regretted it. She looked like Octomom and was crazy. She lived with her ex-husband and got all creepy obsessed with me and would write poems about me on the internet.
At the time, I was a career alcoholic, broke and had nothing to offer anyone, so the fact that she got all obsessive was just that much weirder. She’d get mad at me if I didn’t call her twice a day. It took about two months to get her out of my life.
74. You Look Good Enough to Eat
Online dating. We met at the train station and walked to the restaurant. Within 10 minutes, he stopped me, turned my body towards him, said “You’re so beautiful,” and leaned in for a kiss (which I would have been okay with). Instead, he licked my cheek.
75. Chance McMeeting
This girl I matched with just messaged to mess with me. I was like, “Hey what’s up” and she was like “Don’t talk to me unless you plan on doing me.” I forgot what my reply was but she obviously never messaged back. Then a week later I’m getting McDonald’s and this girl was the one who handed me my food. She recognizes me instantly and just had this total look of fear in her eyes. I walked out of there so quick. That poor girl thought I purposely sought her out to confront her or something.
76. Foot Problems
I went to his place and we hooked up, but after he goes “So you wanna know what I’m really into?” And I was like sure and then he grabs my foot. I have a really irrational fear of people touching my feet so I ran the heck out of there. Anyway I get to the living room on the way out and it turns out to be his parent’s house and I look at his mother and see she was my old therapist.
77. No Biting
I met a guy, decent conversation, smart, funny, mutual nerdy hobbies. We decide to meet up at the local gamer bar and play some games while having our first date. Get in, sit down, dude has no teeth. He says a hack dentist told him they all had to be removed, couldn’t get dentures due to budget, needed to wait for bone shards go fall out of his gums, etc.
He proceeded to spit all over our food while talking, which granted, I knew he couldn’t help, but if he can hide something this big from someone, what else could he be hiding? Plus, I couldn’t stomach the thought of making out with someone with no teeth.
78. All Mucked Up
Well I’ve only gone on one Tinder date, we talked for a bit and I agreed to pick her up at Starbucks. She looked nothing like her pictures, but I thought I should be nice and at least hang out with her for a bit. We went to her place and the entire house reeked like cat pee. Like saturated. Then as she proceeded to show me her massive collection of insane adult toys, she screamed at her chihuahua and smacked it right on the nose.
Then, without missing a beat just asks if I want to make out on the couch. I awkwardly sat down and pretended to look at my phone and made up that my grandma was dying so I could leave.
79. Doggone Reality
I matched with a cute girl who seemed to have all the same nerdy hobbies as I did. We set up a date at a bar close to my place. We had GREAT conversation over text, so I assumed it would go the same in person. Boy was I wrong. She barely said a single word even with my prompting her with conversation starting questions and finally she goes, “you’re a dog person, aren’t you?” I blinked a little confused and just said, “yeah?” And she goes, “yeah I could tell, you’re way too excitable and I’m a cat person.” I mean, fine? We can like different animals, right?
But THEN she goes on and on about how she’s just like a cat and how me being a dog just wouldn’t work. From then on out anything we talked about would lead back to her being a cat and me being a dog. It got WEIRD. I finished my beer and told her I had to be up early and left. I still don’t know how the great text conversations led to THAT but hey, what do I know? I’m just a dumb dog.
80. You’ve Got an Unwanted Guest
I moderate this sci-fi chat site, the mods there aren’t really any different than the chatters, so we’re generally liked. This one guy took a bit more of a liking to me than normal. Then one day I came back to my dorm from classes, and he was sitting outside of it with chocolates and gifts and things. You ever have one of those “What the heck? There’s a four-hundred-pound man outside my dorm” moments? ‘Cause they’re messed up.
So, I ask this guy what he wants, and he says all he wants is dinner with me, so I agreed as long as my roommate came, like hell I wanted to be alone in this. So, we order a pizza and eat in, and my roommate has this brilliant idea that he should spend the night in our room. Holy moly. I had a lofted bed and woke up to him trying to climb it at least twice.
He asked if he could spend a second night and I was pretty darn clear that was not going to happen. So, I tell him to leave and I go to class the next day. Needless to say, I no longer talk to him.
81. Can’t Hardly Walk
One word: hoarder. Thought that the clutter surrounding him in his pic was something easily cleaned. Oh no…could barely close the door to the bathroom (that was practically in the middle of his studio apartment) because of the amount of debris on the floor. Informed him that while he was a lovely gent, he was not my cup of tea.
82. Bros Catfishing Bros
A friend of mine was Catfished to an insane extent. Apparently, he had been dating this girl on Facebook for the longest time (around two years) and one night at a party got drunk and made out with a mutual friend. However, it was just a drunken fling with no attraction and as it turns out—he told the online girlfriend. The revenge she took was so, so horrific.
She proceeded to lock him out of his Facebook profile (since he had given her his password) and for the next two hours following she uploaded every single intimate photo he had sent her. Literally. Cover Photo. Profile pic. Shared multiple photos of just my friend, iin multiple positions and angles. Sometimes with a cowboy hat. Other times with a ribbon around his lower regions.
Needless to say, we all saw a bit too much of him. And then the real truth came out. Turns out at the end of it all, the girl wasn’t real. It was a group of guys playing a really sick prank on him. He’s all good now though.
83. No Harm In Being Sure
A friend of mine was dating my cousin, and she suspected him of cheating on her. So to see if he would really be capable of such a thing, she made a fake Myspace (yes it was back in the day). She found pictures from the Internet of regular girls his type and compiled together the ones of girls who looked similar enough to be mistaken as being the same girl.
It was actually pretty talented of her. Every picture was of a different girl, but you would have thought they were all the same. I have no idea how many man hours she put into this account, but she friended my cousin and talked for a while, then asked to meet up. When my cousin said ok, my friend promptly broke up with him. It was total entrapment, but it got the truth out, so kudos to her.
I agreed to meet up with this guy that I met online. We had no chemistry, had nothing in common, and couldn’t even continue the conversation. After a few minutes, he asked if I was going to finish my drink, I said no, and we both left.
85. Nuts About You(SSR)
This girl I went out with would not shut up about her love of communism and her hatred of peanuts. For three hours every single subject I brought up somehow turned into either how we need a new Soviet Union or how peanuts are the worst thing ever. She wasn’t allergic or anything. She just for some reason really, really hated peanuts.
She ordered a very expensive non-alcoholic cocktail and then didn’t split the bill, all I had was a single Heineken. She was also a bit of a catfish as she was hardly as attractive as the pictures, but I’d roll with it, except for the peanut thing. Why peanuts? Sometimes I remember and wonder. Peanuts?
86. All Over It
I met a girl from Tinder and we saw each other a few times. She had an ex that she still talked to, but hadn’t had any feelings for in a few years. So, I go to her apartment and this place is like a shrine to him with pictures of him on every wall. And it wasn’t just from when they were together and she never took them down.
She just moved to this place a month prior so she recently decorated her apartment with his face. It really creeped me out and felt like I was going to be some sort of sacrifice to get him back.
I work at a fast-food, casual restaurant with counter service like a hot dog joint but has a nicer than a McDonald’s vibe. I was at work when I noticed a girl that I matched with on Tinder a few months prior was in the dining room with a friend. We talked for a bit but never met up or anything and stopped talking a few days later.
She didn’t recognize me and I didn’t expect her to so I didn’t say anything. I go over to wipe the table next to where she’s sitting as someone had just got up. As I’m wiping the table I over hear her telling her friend how she gave some guy chlamydia. I’ve never had a sense of relief in my life like I did in that moment. Thank god I never met up with this girl.
88. Lifelong Memories
The first red flag was that he didn’t really look like his pictures and he had gained a pretty good amount of weight, but I looked past it because that doesn’t mean that we couldn’t be a good match. Immediately he started talking about his ex-wife who he had divorced a couple of years ago, but rather than refer to her as his “ex-wife” he kept calling her his “wife,” present tense. I had to double check that they were actually divorced twice.
We actually got along pretty well and I was having a good time despite this weirdness. We got into talking about our past more, and he proceeded to roll up his sleeves to show me the gnarliest track marks I have ever seen. He told me he was clean for about six months but had a pretty bad addiction, blown out most of his veins, and OD’d more than once. At this point I was pretty tipsy, and I knew that I wasn’t going to see this guy again but I ended up going back with him.
At his place he ended up mentioning that he had some drugs stashed away “just in case” and even though I had just met this guy I knew this was a huge problem. After about an hour of convincing, I got him to flush it. I never saw him again, but he texted me the next morning thanking me pretty profusely. It was a crazy experience, but definitely ended well! Glad I was able to help him out, and have a fun night too!
89. Gone with the Wind
My buddy hooked up with this girl he’d been talking to for a while. They met early in the afternoon on a Sunday for a walk in the park. Sunny spring day, things are going well. He’d been out drinking the day before and his stomach starts acting up and he realizes he needs to pass gas. This one will not only smell but will probably be loud as well. He spots a tin can a few yards down the pathway, and gets this brilliant idea that he’s going to kick it simultaneously with his gas to cover up the sound.
So, he runs up to the can, to get a few yards between them, takes aim and kicks, and misses the can. The effort only increases the volume. On top of it all he realized he probably pooped his pants a little bit as well. Without hesitation he just keeps on running and doesn’t look back. From her perspective, she’s having a nice walk with this guy who suddenly starts running, kicks in the air, rips a huge one, and keeps running Forrest Gump style.
90. First Date in a Dream State
This happened before Tinder during the transition between Myspace and Facebook eras. I meet a girl on Myspace and agree to meet at a local bar where I’m friends with the bartender and lots of people. She is from the other side of town. At the time the “Sparks” drink is all the rage and is a combo of a super strong energy drink and malt liquor similar to fourloko.
We really hit it off and are crushing tons of these drinks which are packed with caffeine. The bar closes and we go back to my place, sleep together, and pass out somehow. Eventually I wake up to her naked walking out of the bedroom and naturally assume she went to the bathroom, but she never comes back. Finally, 20 minutes or so later, I get up and search the house. I get to my garage and my car is missing.
Then I get a call from her mom. She had driven my car, which was a manual, half way home and got it stuck on a tall sidewalk and smoked the clutch. The police came and she was naked and not coherent. They booked her for a DUI but all agreed that she was sleep-walking probably due to the mass amounts of caffeine. She was super apologetic and her grandfather paid for the damage to the car. I gave her another shot and we’ve been married for 10 years, have three sons, and a hilarious first date story.
91. Staying for the Movie
Before I met my current bf, I went out on a few dates from guys on OKC. There was one guy who I thought was pretty cute, so I decided to take a chance and go out with him. We go out for dinner which was fine…until he started talking about his ex-fiancé who was a dancer on some popular TV show back in the Philippines who actually had a husband etc. Etc. So that already turned me off.
Then we go out to a movie and he starts to touch himself! Right in the theater! He just unzips his pants and starts going at it, and I’m sitting next to him horrified! And he had the nerve to tell me I’m the weird one because every normal person does that in movie theaters…this was during the trailers btw.
Then he tried to go at it with me in the theater which I really wasn’t in the mood for so I moved across the theater to enjoy the movie while he sat in his corner fapping for all I know. Needless to say, we never saw each other again. The movie was great though!
92. Following Me Around Like a NeoPuppy
I once met up with a girl from Neopets of all places at a concert, and she wouldn’t leave me alone for THE ENTIRE DAY.
93. Making Friends is Ruff
I went to meet this dude and he was wearing like half a fursuit, like the costumes that furries wear. I just turned around and texted that something came up and I couldn’t make it.
94. Caught with Your Hands on the Joystick
I actually worked with this lady at the time. She was good looking and very flirtatious. Most importantly: we both played World of Warcraft at its prime. She ended up inviting me to join her server and being a lonely 20-something, I, of course, joined up. We played for a time and had a good PVP group going—her regulars.
Of course, she was still flirty with me in game and I was flirty back, all in group chat. Either way, we had some great times together slaying players in PVP. Summer comes and it’s a company BBQ, I find out she is bringing one of our PVP partners to the event. Cool! It was her husband. A cop. I’ve been virtually sexting her in the game in front of him for at least three months.
95. Out of the Zoo and Into the Wild
Didn’t regret any of them, except one. We were all 15 years old, except one kid who was 12. We went to a zoo together and he just walked away from the group without us knowing. Half our time together was wasted splitting up and searching for him because we were concerned. We finally found him, and he just told us his dad was going to pick him up and he left us because he didn’t feel like it.
He should’ve just told us straight away. We would have probably understood. He was literally gone after the first 10 minutes.
96. She’s Getting None for the Price of Two
My brother met a girl in person that he had known for four or five years online, during which time they had kind of had an online relationship. She had brought her friend with her to meet him. They were sitting around a table awkwardly making conversation, with my brother apparently quite shocked at how bad she looked in person compared to how she looked online and having absolutely no interest in her other than as friends.
The girl sent her friend a message saying, “OMG get me out of here, he’s looking at me like he wants to jump me,” but she accidentally sent it to my brother. What ensued was likely incredibly painful to be part of. My brother showed her his phone and looked at her in disgust.
97. Older Isn’t Always Wiser
He started to make things weirdly explicit—I was 15, he was 19. He also began spreading lies about my other friends to keep me away from them, as well as pushing all his personal issues on me, while refusing to see a therapist. He also put forward that he would probably kill himself if I wasn’t there for him, which made me feel horrifically trapped.
98. Laptop Robbery
Oh yeah. I needed Microsoft Office and noticed that people sold the program for cheap on Craigslist. One guy 20 minutes away was selling the program for 20 bucks. Told me to meet at his house late at night when he got home from work. Ended up being in a sketchy dead-end street, and told me to come in his garage, where he and a couple of his buddies were smoking inside.
This was my first thought of, “this is kind of weird.” After I took my laptop out and put it on the table, one of his buddies tried to close the garage door on me. I realized what was happening, so I tried to grab the laptop and hit the sensors to leave. The dude tried to grab the laptop at the same time, and I ended up in a quick tug of war with him. I let go and hit the sensors and decided to just leave and call the cops.
They hid the laptop, but I was able to use the “Find My iPhone” app, which finds laptops too, and got it back. I don’t know how the guy thought he would get away with it.
99. Shower Life
Met a guy on Craigslist. After talking to him on the phone for a few weeks, I decided to meet up at his place for our first date. Turns out the second bedroom in his apartment is a shrine to his dead grandparents. I figure since they raised him, it must be his way of remembering them, so I let it go. We date a few months and it just so happens he demands we take showers and sleep naked every night so as not to “contaminate” the bedsheets.
I got out of bed for a glass of water once and ended up getting yelled at for 30 minutes about how I brought germs from the living room into the bedroom. The whole relationship was like something out of the twilight zone. We broke up shortly after he demanded my mother sign a letter saying she will respect his wishes not to meet her and have it notarized.
The scariest thing about this that he’s an NYPD officer. Not exactly who I want out there protecting the streets.
100. Vacuum Nut
I sold a vacuum; it was nothing special. I inherited it from a move out. My price was a reasonable $15. I described it as an average vacuum with average abilities. It was bought by a TA at CSU. She pulled up in a $40k car and wanted to haggle with me. I sold it for $10. She then proceeded to send me pictures of it not picking up things it vacuumed for an entire day. I got out of work and told her the hose was detached. “Oh.” …Two days pass… Cue pictures of it not picking up stuff “to her standards.”
I reiterate the purchase price of said vacuum. Ten. Dollars.
My parents come to town, she is blowing me up with texts and pictures of a dustpan of dirt from her yard dumped onto carpet as some kind of “display” … I don’t respond, I will refund her once my parents leave in ONE DAY! We come home from dinner to her severing and smashing the vacuum cleaner to bits in my front yard, holding a note in her hand that said, “You can keep the money, jerk.”
We basically caught her red-handed. She looked extremely embarrassed. I made her pick it up and throw it in my trashcan. Then I told her to leave and never come back. Also, she idiotically corresponded with me with her douchey email signature where she basically listed every achievement and address and life experience she’d ever had.
I told her that if she ever did anything to my property, I would come find her. The end.