scorecardresearch

Shut My Mouth: These People Said The Exact Wrong Things

Penelope Singh

We’ve all been there: That moment where we realize we should have just shut our mouths. Instead, now we have to deal with the fallout of the incredibly stupid thing we—or someone else—said. From job interview slip-ups to straight-up social blunders, here are cringey moments where people say the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time.


1. It’s the Little Things That Trip You up

I scored an interview for a dream job. I did all of my research about the company, bought a new suit, the whole shebang. I gave the man interviewing me a firm handshake, answered all of his questions easily, and felt pretty confident. After finishing the otherwise flawless interview, we shook hands again, and I said, “Thank you sir.” To my horror, she replied: “It’s Ma’am.”

permalink

2. Too Sorry

I’m apologetic by nature, but it sometimes gets me into trouble. When I once got pulled over for rolling through a stop-sign I literally said, “I’m so sorry officer, I do it all the time.”

_timewasted

3. It Runs in the Family

Was at a friend’s brother’s 21st birthday party and was standing around talking with some other guys. On the driveway, a bunch of girls were dancing to the music. It was a really chill night. But it was about to get a lot chillier. The guy next to me said to the guy on his other side “How about the rack on that blonde chick?” The other guy replied, “That’s my daughter.”

valiantfreak

4. A Lovely Teacher

A teacher whose name I don’t even know at my son’s daycare once said, “Bye, love you too,” after I told my son, “Love you buddy, have a good day,” on my way out. I’m pretty sure she had a morning full of cringe.

Permalink

5. Director’s Cut Commentary

My mom went through this phase where she would talk out loud during movies, specifically about whatever is going on in the movie. She was also terrible at paying attention to what was going on, so often times what she was totally incorrect. In addition, she would try to talk over the movie, even yelling to make sure that she was being heard over the action scenes.

Imagine, if you will, watching the aftermath of the stampede scene from The Lion King and the person next to you in the theater yelling out “SIMBA IS SAD BECAUSE HER DAD DIED!”

BW_Bird

6. The Truffle Shuffle of Shame

In seventh grade, some girl was wearing a Goonies shirt. I had no idea what it was, but it looked like a punk band or something and she was preppy, so my emo self tried to act offended and said, “Do you even listen to the Goonies?”

petalplucker

7. Let’s Call a Square a Square

About a year into our marriage, my wife and I bought a dining table and chairs. It was our first “real” furniture! My wife was so happy, she posted pictures on Facebook and wanted her mom to look. Well, her mom commented on the phone that it was a nice “oval table.” Wife is immediately upset. “You didn’t look,” she says. “Yes I did!” her mom insists.

“It’s not oval, it’s rectangular.” “No, it’s an oval, I looked.” Wife finally gets her mom to actually go look for real. Her mom sees that she is incorrect, and then it gets even worse. She creates this gem: “Well that’s what I call it!” “Um, you call rectangles ovals?” This has become a running gag for us. Whenever we lose an argument, we always end it with, “Well, that’s what I call it!”

Permalink

8. A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words

My family and I were watching a program on TLC about cavemen. There were actors dressed up like cavemen doing caveman things. My sister was just in awe watching this. Mouth slightly open, eyes open wide. During a commercial break, she asked the room, “How did they get the cameras back then?” We will never let her forget that she said that.

openletter8

9. It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses a Toe

One day, I was taking a long leg cast off of a kid who was about three years old. After I got the cast split open, I started to pull it off, and the Mother suddenly said, “Oh, his toe fell off.” I chuckled and replied, “Nice one,” thinking she was joking. She gave me a really angry look. It turned out that the kid had been in the cast because his small toe had been nearly amputated and then reattached.

The doctor was hoping that what tissue was still connected would be enough to vascularize the distal portion. It wasn’t. The kid’s toe had rotted and fallen off. Whoops.

shdwrnr

10. An “F” for Effort

My dad came with on a field trip back in elementary school. We had an admittedly attractive substitute teacher that day, and she was introducing herself to all the parents. Sub: “Hello, I’m Miss Fine” Dad: “Why yes, you are.” She immediately just walked away.

MarcusBrazil

11. No Kids Allowed

My place of work has a 21 and over policy after nine pm, and a group of people walked in and I immediately assumed they walked in with their child because I couldn’t see her over the counter. So I said, “hey guys I’m sorry but we’re 21 and over right now.” Turns out she had dwarfism. Oh my lord. I tried to save myself by apologizing and telling them they all looked young despite obviously referring to her earlier. MORTIFIED.

Permalink

12. The Follies of Youth

I was like six and didn’t understand acne. Being all six years old and innocent, I asked my mom why my older teenaged brother always had pizza on his face…right in front of him. Worst of all, he cried.

Lockshala

13. Accidental Hypocrite

I’m a paramedic. Just two weeks ago, we had a call to pick up a paraplegic at a nursing home. He had called 9-1-1 himself because he had end-stage cancer and was in constant pain, and he was claiming that the nursing staff wouldn’t give him pain medication. Turns out that was exactly what was happening, so I played hero and lectured the staff. Then I totally blew it.

I returned to the man’s room and saw that my partner and our student had him on the cot already. Forgetting he was paraplegic because I was still flustered about the nurses, when I buckled the straps over his legs, I thoughtlessly said, “Let me know if these are too tight on you.” Totally straight-faced, he replied, “I can’t, I’m a paraplegic.” Whoops.

5-Oprolene

14. The Age of Aquariums

When I worked at an aquarium, I once overheard a tourist say “Wow, these penguins look just like birds!”

smileedude

15. Hammer Time

A few years back my mate and I were walking down the street towards the bars in our town (rural Australia). We were drinking from a plastic bottle filled with vodka and juice, which isn’t exactly allowed here. The authorities drove past us and I quickly threw the bottle in the bin, but they saw us and pulled over…

The two officers (one female one male) were taking down our details and we were drunkenly trying to get out of the fine. I said, “We’ll do anything to get out of this.” She replied, “Oh yeah? Like what?” Then I blurted out, “Dance for you?” My mate and I then proceeded to do the choreography to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” on the street, magnificently lit by their patrol car headlights. It worked, no fine.

sligathor

16. Beauty Is Only Skin-Wound Deep

One woman, who is 40 and in great shape but absolutely desperate to be married, said to another woman, who is funny and sweet but overweight, “I can’t believe someone like you is married and I’m not.” No lie…and it didn’t even occur to her that it was insulting. She’s too much of a narcissist to realize that.

JMCrown

17. Maternal Lockdown

I was 13 when this happened. My mom had made a reservation at a hotel for a trip, but when she got there the lady said there was some error with the reservation and that my mom’s payment didn’t go through, so the lady offered us a double bed room for a discount. Rather than just taking the room, thanking the lady, and leaving, my mom decided the best course of action would be to scream, in the middle of a hotel lobby, “NOBODY IS GOING ANYWHERE TIL I GET MY FREAKING ROOM!”

She then proceeded to pester the lady, who clearly couldn’t do anything about it, until eventually, she called the authorities on my mom for public disturbance. Mortifying.

elsoov

18. Jerry, Jerry!

I was hanging out with a friend, out walking, and we ran into someone he knew from a while ago. They chatted for a minute, and then my friend asked, “How’s Jerry doing?” Without missing a beat, his friend replied, completely deadpan, “Oh he’s dead.” I burst out laughing, and the guy looked at me as if I was the most inappropriate person in the world. He was not joking. Jerry was gone.

Parallax151

19. The Cry of Crowns

Knew a sister-of-the-groom (also maid of honor) who pitched a violent fit because the bride was going to wear a tiara for the ceremony and therefore, the sister couldn’t. Literally screamed at both families, “I am the sister, for God’s sake!”

prpslydistracted

20. The Butt of the Joke

My husband and I had an inside joke. Whenever someone lost something, the other person always asked, “Have you checked inside your butt?” I was in a meeting at work in my conservative and traditional corporate office one day, and a co-worker said, “I can’t find my pen.” Without any thought or hesitation I quickly responded, “Have you checked inside your butt?”

As soon as I said it, I snapped back to reality and realized I was at work. As you can imagine, everyone went silent and stared at me as my face turned bright red.

glitterphobia

21. You, But With a Woman’s Touch

My buddy tried hitting on my sister. “I always thought it would be cool to have a chick that’s a female version of [my name here].” Swing and a miss.

Strichnine

22. You Just Got Served

I work at a busy restaurant, so I end up saying “corner” hundreds of times a night as I go back and forth around corners and doorways in the kitchen. One day, I was running food to a table, set it down gently, and in my sweetest customer service voice I said “Corner” while looking the customer right in the eye instead of “Here is your soup” or something like I usually do.

They looked confused, my brain tried to reset, and so naturally I said, “Thank you” as if that made it better. I ended up just backing away. It was a lost cause.

cherry650

23. Space-ially Challenged

I dated a girl for around four months a few years back. One day, we were chilling at my house, and I asked her if she wanted to watch an episode of Brian Cox’s documentary Wonders of the Universe. She declined. When she said why, my jaw hit the floor. Apparently, she didn’t believe in space. She was 100% convinced that the sky was all there was.

idalgoat

24. Screw You, Jar-Jar

In ‘99 after Phantom Menace came out, I thought Jar-Jar Binks had the funniest way of talking. My family and I spent part of the summer in Mexico visiting family. On our way back at the border, the authorities asked each of us kids if we were American. Everyone says yes except me…I said something along the lines of, “Meesa Ameri-khan,” all exaggerated because I thought it was funny.

We ended up sitting on the side of the road in 100-something degree heat while they tore apart everything packed in the back of the truck. My mom was sitting with all four of us girls and holding my six-month-old brother and pinching the life out of the back of my arm. I still flinch when people touch the back of my arm.

randisuewho

25. From Smartphone to Sickphone?

One day, an elderly patient of mine came by the clinic saying she was sick. I examined her and found mild symptoms of a common cold, nothing too serious. I told her that she had an infection and this type of infection is treated without antibiotics because it’s not a bacterial infection, but a viral infection. She understood that part, but then she asked me: “So…do I have to stop using my smartphone, to prevent my smartphone from getting the virus?”

yosol

26. The Cover-Up

In seventh grade, I had just started watching more anime on Toonami and was really into it. Like, creepily into it. One day we had to do a paper describing ourselves coming back from summer break and the class had to put a person to a description. I named my favorite jacket that I wore every day “Takeshi” for God knows why.

Then the cutest new girl in the class read my description out loud, and in it I described the love for my jacket and how I had named it what it was. The cute girl looks weirded out, stares at the class and goes, “What weirdo names their jacket?” Once no one guessed who it was, I piped up and said: “Well maybe they aren’t here today?” I was obviously trying to cover myself.

Except I forgot that this was an IN-CLASS ASSIGNMENT. So the teacher said, “No, it had to have been written by someone here?” Finally one of my friends goes, “Hey, aren’t you like the only one in class who plays soccer?” which was also written in my description. I sunk in my seat as we moved on to the next description…I wake up sweating, feeling that jacket still on my shoulders…

AHHaSpider

27. From the Mouths of Babes

After my sister-in-law had her son, she had a lot of trouble with her weight. She always complained about how hard it was to have a baby, and swore that she would “never do it again.” My husband and I ended up not seeing her for quite a few months. When we did all meet up again she said, with the flattest tone of voice I’ve ever heard, “I’m going to have another baby.”

I burst out laughing, because ever since her son was born, all she would say was that she would never have another. “No, I really am,” she insisted. I still didn’t believe her, so I asked jokingly, “Ok, when are you having this baby then?” Her response? “In three months.” Ah. Oh dear. My mother-in-law compounded the awkwardness by adding, “Well, didn’t you notice the bump?”

I hadn’t; I just thought she’d gained even more weight! I still cringe thinking about it, and it was four years ago.

Smantie

28. Never Assume

My parents own a pretty popular local restaurant. It’s widely regarded as a very good restaurant with tasty food and fantastic service. When asked, “How was everything?” many of our customers respond in a joking tone, “Horrible! Never coming back again.” They came back every day. Needless to say, I had grown accustomed to this banter and always played along.

One day, an older gentleman and his wife came in for dinner and I must have missed all the signals, or become totally overwhelmed during service, because as he was leaving, I asked him how everything was, and his response was, “Awful!” I laughed in his face and said, “Ha! Thanks! See you tomorrow!” He must have thought I was crazy. I saw his face and literally said out loud, “Wait…really?”

He then proceeded to tell me about his apparently sub-par experience, all in front of my parents, coworkers, and the other customers.

nodiptortillachip

29. Weep for the Education System

I used to intern for a prosecutor. We had one case where we had the officer’s report for driving under the influence. After completing and passing the field sobriety, the guy told the officer, “Oh good, I thought you were going to ask me to say the alphabet backward. I can’t even do that sober!” We kept a copy of the report in the office for later laughs.

perfectlysafepengu1n

30. With a Face Like That, Who Needs a Heart?

I am a paramedic and I recently brought a cardiac arrest patient to the ER. I was trying to transfer the patient onto the hospital bed as the doctor walked in. It’s my job to give the report to the doctor, letting them know if I gave drugs, if I defibrillated, the history of the patient, etc. I start to give my report and the doctor says, “You look just like someone…”

I start to give my report again and he stops me again, interrupting and goes on about how I look just like some celebrity…I have heard this before, so I toss the name out and he is thrilled to have the name…meanwhile we are still doing CPR and breathing for the patient who is still very much in cardiac arrest. I ask the doctor if I can give the report now and he comes back to reality.

forkandbowl

31. High School Heartbreaker

At my senior prom, my (now ex) friend and I were talking about our experiences in high school. Reminiscing. Or at least I was…she was nonstop complaining about how everyone around her hated her, how another friend of mine was annoying and needy, all these horrible things. But then she said the worst thing yet. 

The conversation gets to a point and she just bluntly says to me, “Yeah I know, between the two of us I’m a better person, not that it matters!” As I later learned, she was hooking up with a guy a grade below us who already had a girlfriend. Who’s the better person now, Mikaela?

DeIaIune

32. A Game of Memory

One day, I met a guy and told him my name. He said, “I’ll probably not remember it; I have memory problems.” I replied, “Yeah, I’m bad with names too.” I ran into him again two days later, and I remembered his name. He, on the other hand, apparently didn’t remember meeting me. I didn’t believe him at first and gave him some flack.

When I realized it actually wasn’t a joke, and that he actually did have memory problems, I felt like an ignorant jerk. Oh well; he doesn’t remember me laughing at him!

NoFapPlatypus

33. And Then There’s Darrell

I accidentally mixed up an inside joke with the wrong friend group, with disastrous results. Friend group #1: The “joke” was when someone calls and asks who’s all there, we would add Darrell to the list of names. Darrell wasn’t a real person. The joke wasn’t really funny, and made no sense out of context, but I guess that’s why it was an inside joke.

Friend group #2: I was hanging out playing some drinking games with a bunch of people who I hadn’t hung out with in a while. It was a kind of get together to remember a friend they had who had recently perished in a car accident. I didn’t know him that well, but I was always down to party. Anyway, the phone rings, and the person who answered started listing off names.

Sorting my cards for another round of President, I offhandedly said, “heh and Darrell!” It was the typical record-scratch moment where everyone stopped and looked at me. Except it was even more awkward than that. Darrell was the name of the friend who had just passed. This happened in 2002 and I still think about it all the time.

20XD6_1936

34. Never Answer

I got pulled over by an officer once. I thought it was because of the unlawful U-turn I had done, and as usual the officer goes, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I sheepishly respond, “Because I did an unlawful U-turn.” He kinda just stared for a moment, switched on my headlights, and said, “Your headlights are off. Stop doing U-turns where you can’t.”

lalaurenn_

35. Do You Know Who I Am?!

I was a seating host at a restaurant during an insane night. There was a 2-3 hour wait for a table because there was a city Christmas tree lighting ceremony close by. A woman came up to me to ask how much longer; I checked and said an hour. She asked if her husband had told me that they were going to the tree lighting ceremony, and I replied (politely), “Yes, you and the other hundred people in here.” But I didn’t know the whole truth.

She then asked if her husband had told me he was the mayor, and I laughed. Then I realized that I had no idea what the mayor actually looked like, and it suddenly dawned on me that she was telling the truth and they really did need to get to the ceremony on time more than anyone else in the room. I got them seated pretty quickly after that!

killertoe

36. Fish Match-Maker

I was having lunch with my wife and her grandmother for the first time. We had recently gotten two fish, a black one and an orange one, and my wife was telling her grandmother about the fish. Her Grandmother lowered her voice and muttered, “You got interracial fish?” I laughed because I thought it was a funny joke. Then I realized her grandmother wasn’t laughing. She was serious, and offended.

sharkwithlaser

37. Got off on the Wrong Foot

Part of my job is processing new employees. We had this one new guy that just so happened to be in a wheelchair. He came in early on his first day, and I helped him with some paperwork. Then, he came back to my office in the afternoon and said, “I think I got off on the wrong foot with you.” Thinking that he was making a self-deprecating joke to kind of address the fact that he was in a wheelchair, I laughed and said “Good one!”

He just looked at me, blank-faced, and said, “What do you mean?” The dude really thought he had done something to make me angry earlier and was trying to apologize! I did my best to awkwardly back-pedal by saying, “That’s funny you think I was mad. I wasn’t at all!” He was still looking at me funny when he left the office.

I literally spent a week cringing every time the phone rang because I was sure I was getting called into HR.

gogogidget

38. The Laugh Pass

Then I was a kid my mom ran a red then got pulled over for speeding like 10 minutes later. The officer comes up to the car window kind of intimidating and asked, “Do you know what you did wrong?” My little child self screams from the back seat, “YEAH SHE RAN A RED LIGHT” the officer nearly peed herself laughing and let my mom off.

kierdoyle

39. Mom Is Always Right

While home from university visiting my mother, she insisted that we go to a clinic to get me checked out. She was concerned about some weird symptoms I’d been having, even though I was convinced they were nothing. After a couple hours’ wait, a doctor was finally free to see us. She listened to my mom list her concerns about me, told me to pee in a cup, and then went away.

Twenty minutes later she walked in, sat down and, in a voice of as if she was announcing, “It’s a boy!” she said, “You have type 1 diabetes!” I laughed because I was sure she was joking due to her tone of voice, and said, “Okay but seriously, I’m fine, right?” “Oh,” she replied, her smile fading. Then she told me the thing that made my stomach drop.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have sounded so happy there. Most times people your age don’t make it in in time to be helped, so I’m happy you came in when you did is all. You do have type 1 diabetes…sorry.” I was a week away from hitting the drinking age. It was not my best birthday.

C1ank

40. Toe-ing The Line

I was hanging out in the hall with some friends when one of our teachers walked by. One of my friends asked, “Hey, how’s the toe doing?” The teacher responded, “I’m going to find out tomorrow if I can keep it.” I burst out laughing, because he’s normally a pretty funny dude and makes a lot of jokes. I stopped when I noticed that nobody else was laughing.

He just gave me this really weird look and then walked back to his room. It turned out that he had actually been bitten by a brown recluse spider, and there was a serious possibility that he would lose his toe for good. I felt terrible afterward.

Gaylien28

41. Dexter Dad

During a short car ride through town with my dad, I randomly mentioned that psychopaths don’t experience the phenomenon of contagious yawns. When he responded with a quick, “Really?” I laughed it off, and said that it may not even be true, and that maybe I hadn’t remembered the fact correctly. But I soon found out the damage I’d done.

He said he didn’t get them. Now, my dad is so sweet and sensitive, and this shook him to his core.He was wearing the most serious, most worried look that I had ever seen on his face. He kept that nearly devastated look for the next hour or so. Apparently I made my Dad think he was a psychopath a week before Christmas. I still feel awful about it.

DrawingThin

Henry VIII FactsShutterstock

42. To Be Fair, TV Is Pretty Complicated

A girl my dad dated for a while. Even while dating her, my dad would say she was dumber than a bag of rocks. One day, she sat down to watch a movie with my dad. The movie was all about this guy and his twin brother. She sits and watches the whole thing, no interruptions. At the end, she turns and asks, “So there were two of him?”

ShiraCheshire

43. Irresponsible Faculty Meeting

One of my favorite moments: I walk into the school office to check my mailbox. A parent of one of my students sees me and says very loudly, almost screaming, “Oh, FINALLY!!!! LOOK, EVERYONE, I FOUND A TEACHER!!! Do you realize that I left work EARLY to come here after school to talk to my son’s teachers about his report card, and you are LITERALLY the ONLY teacher I have found?!!! I went from classroom to classroom and everyone is GONE!!! Do you know what time it is?!! It’s 3:45 pm! School ended FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!!! FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!! And you’re the ONLY teacher STILL HERE!!!! CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY EVERYONE IS GONE?! CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY EVERY TEACHER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING WHEN SCHOOL JUST GOT OUT?!!!!”

I paused, waiting to see if there was more. When I realized he had finished, I said, “All the teachers are in the library. We’re having a faculty meeting.” The look on his face was priceless. He knew he was in the wrong, but by that point, he had committed so fiercely to his anger and righteousness that he couldn’t just apologize. So he said, “Well that’s just irresponsible.” And he walked out of the office.

woolyboy76

44. Newton’s Nemesis

I was starting to go back to the gym regularly, and I didn’t have a lot of experience there. I commented to a lady next to me that it seemed like it was harder to curl when you’re sitting than standing. She looked at me very seriously and said, “Well that’s because when you’re sitting, the gravity is affecting you more strongly.” I assumed she was just joking…she wasn’t.

permalink

45. Are We Not Doing Phrasing Anymore?

So, I was delivering booze to a friend’s place. He was having a drunken party and I thought I’d be nice. Anyway, his buddy spills a half a tumbler of scotch down my shirt. I had to get to work so I take off and hit one of those drinking and driving stops. Of course, the officer is like, “Whew, and how much have you had to drink?”

Me: “Nothing, my friend spilled scotch on me.” Officer: “Uh-huh.” ME: “Fine, Blow me. You’ll find the truth.” Officer: “Excuse me!?” Me, thinking: “Annnd, this is how I go to the slammer.” Me: “OH! Nononono. I mean, blow me, the thing, the straw you blow into.” Officer proceeds to laugh, gives me a breath test and I blow 0.0. On with my day. Hah.

Permalink

46. Mistaken Identity

My friend started dating a new girl he met when he was traveling for a few months. He came back and had been dating her for months already, and they had decided to keep the relationship going when she also returned home from overseas. We kept joking with him about her, asking what she looked like, and suggesting that she wasn’t real because he wouldn’t show us a picture.

Eventually, we wore him down and he pulled out his phone to show us a picture. It was a group shot of about 30 people in the jungle. Behind him on the right was an ugly blonde guy and next to him was a pretty brunette girl. He pointed at his girlfriend in the picture, and I thought he was pointing at the brunette. I jokingly pointed at the blonde guy and said, “Oh this one here?” and all my friends laughed.

The guy didn’t laugh, just replied, “Yup.” I looked at him, puzzled, and my brain didn’t catch up. I should have stopped there—but I kept going. I pointed again at the guy. “This one here?” He responded again, “Yup, that’s her.” It sat in the air for a few seconds; apparently everyone else had worked it out but me. “Shut up, that’s a guy!” I joked. He just stared at me, and then walked off.

I realized he was serious. It wasn’t a guy. It was a blonde girl with short hair and a strong jaw. We’ve never spoken about this nasty misunderstanding since, and I still feel terrible, although he did propose to her eventually and they’re getting married next year, so obviously I didn’t put him off that badly…but that kind of makes it worse for me.

sheslikebutter

47. Open-Door Policy

On the first day of my new job, my new boss was discussing standard office policies. After going through the usual stuff, he said, “I’d also like to point out that we have an open-door policy here.” I replied, “Oh, great! So if I have a problem I can come to you?” He gave me a severe look and stated, “No, I mean keep your office door open at all times.” I thought he was joking. It transpired that he was not.

OrdinaryJose

48. Downward-Devil

I recently started going to Church again. In January, I went to a college-aged member’s event, and while I was standing in line to get in, I started chatting with the people around me. We were talking about New Year’s resolutions and working out. One girl suddenly piped up, “But be careful of yoga! Some of the positions are for worshiping the Devil!” My reaction couldn’t have been worse.

I howled with laughter and then cracked a joke about downward dog being suggestive of a bedroom act. Unfortunately, it turned out she was very serious. She looked absolutely horrified. She stepped away from me like I was going to contaminate her, and then quoted some scripture that apparently connected to yoga.

mollsballsss

49. Where in the World Did You Get That Idea?

While waiting in line at the airport and getting ready for my flight, I once heard a woman explain to another woman something that was incredibly disturbing. She told her that planes don’t actually fly from America to Europe, they just hang in the sky motionless while the earth moves below them until Europe appears and then they land.

Mom_is_watching

50. Freak of Nature

Standing at the foot of the Jesus statue in Rio de Janeiro, I heard an American ask his tour guide: “Is this natural or man-made?”

TheLadderGame

51. Demon Dogs and Bitter Words

My parents have an extremely ugly little dog. Like, this thing is unfortunate. It’s basically a cross between a Chihuahua and some sort of lesser demon with buggy eyes, an underbite and just plain ugly features. Strangely enough, this little creature adores my husband. One day, he came into my parents’ house from work (I was already there) and the ugly dog runs up to him like she just won the lottery.

He scoops her up, laughing and completely without thinking he says the cruelest thing I have ever heard: “Why is it that only the ugly girls like me?” There was dead silence and his expression faded in slow motion. I said nothing, just got up and walked outside, the sounds of his pitiful groveling and apologizing following me. I know he meant nothing by it, but to this day my family doesn’t let him live it down. He definitely paid for the faux pas.

ticktockmaven

52. Never Guess a Woman’s Age

I was at a Kobe Steakhouse, which is one of the places where they cook the food on a grill in the middle of the table group. It was the birthday of a girl across the table, who was there with her family. Once the table realized it was her birthday and we all wished her a good day, she asked me how old I thought she was.

If I were putting money on it, I would have said 13, but I figured she’d feel good if I said I thought she was a bit older, so I guessed 16. She got mad and said, “No! I’m 20!!

And1Hornet

53. Drinking? I Never…

Was 16, super naive, and driving home after a late-night studying with my friends at Barnes & Noble. Taking back roads home, it’s dark and no one else is out, so I roll through a stop sign. An officer suddenly turns on his lights and pulls me over. He asks me if I had been drinking. Shocked, I said, “Excuse me, officer, I’m 16. That’s not allowed.”

He thought I was being super sarcastic. Made me get out and do the whole breathalyzer and coordination test rigamarole. Probably thought I was being a little jerk, but I honestly didn’t realize anyone my age drank. Got off with a warning.

bexturbo

54. A Super Screwup

Back in high school, I had a job as a web designer at a small webshop servicing non-profit organizations. My bosses didn’t let on that I was as young as I was, and they handled all the face-to-face client meetings. My job basically entailed designing and preparing the website for our clients. One of our big clients was Christopher Reeve Paralysis Foundation.

I sliced up the site and put in filler text, knowing full well that only people coming from our internal IP would be able to see the development. I should mention that my company was small, close-knit, and had a great (albeit vulgar) sense of humor. Rather than going the standard lorem ipsum route, I did what ended up being the worst thing imaginable.

I instead filled in something along the lines of “Herp derp I’m Christopher Reeve, I drive myself with a straw. Weaknesses include kryptonite and falling off horses.” It got worse, but I’ll let your imaginations fill in the blanks. There were about four paragraphs of filler text. I came into work after school one day and all three of my company’s owners/my bosses were waiting for me.

I thought they were pulling some prank, but they asked me to come into their office. At this point, I knew something was definitely up. My boss: “Chris and Dana saw the site.” Me: “What? Who?” Him: “CRPF. Chris and Dana Reeve. The director wanted to show them the progress. Apparently he didn’t check before he showed it to him in person.”

At this point I think my stomach hit the floor and kept going straight on to the Earth’s core. My boss told me he’d let me know what the next steps were, but just to know that I was in deep, deep trouble. Anyway, I didn’t get fired (despite how adamant Dana Reeve was about that fact) and I had to write an apology to the Reeves.

I found out later that Chris actually had a pretty solid sense of humor and thought it was funny. RIP, Mr. and Mrs. Reeve.

heyitsgarrett

55. Gettin’ Freaky

I interviewed a job candidate who came in and immediately said how hot my administrative assistant was—but then, it somehow got worse. He asked if she was single or “Open to freaky Fridays.”

gmabarrett

56. A One-Passenger Kind of Brain

Ex-friend was complaining about how she was so nice and always there for other people, but no one was there for her. In an attempt to empathize, I said, “I understand entirely. I felt the same way when—“ She cut me off mid-sentence to say, “No offense, but I don’t have the capacity to deal with your problems.” She then went on to talk about her dad blowing up babies in Vietnam.

Isaac_Masterpiece

57. So Much for “Father” of the Year…

I was one day going out with my dad and his working colleague in a bar to have some drinks. I had a fresh driving license, so I was going to not drink and drive them home after. It was not my dad whom I was embarrassed by, but his colleague, who said to some hot blonde sitting next to me on the bar totally drunk: “I think you need a proper daddy.”

The girl looks at him in disgust, and stands up and moves two seats further down the bar. She was my age as well, and the friend of my father was nearly double my age. Maybe because the girl was my age, I was even more embarrassed.

Gaphalor

58. A Lesson He’ll Never Forget

In my first year teaching, a boy in my class made fun of my receding hairline. It was only the second week of the school year and I still wasn’t used to how I was supposed to behave as an educator, and also hadn’t developed a thick enough skin for that kind of stuff. So what did I do? I just blurted out “Oh, [screw] you!”…only I actually swore. Oops…

Permalink

59. Threat Level: Midnight

I have a friend who is basically a young Michael Scott. Seriously, sometimes when watching The Office, I cringe not because of what Michael is doing, but because it reminds me so much of my friend. One day, our group of friends got on the topic of what Office character we’re most like. He loudly and immediately declared he thinks he’s most like Ryan…

rpfitz2

60. A Black and White Issue

I was officiating a soccer game of 15-year-old boys. The teams’ respective colors were RED and WHITE. There was one African American boy on the Red team. As the game progressed, it got more dangerous and out of hand. At half-time, I informed both benches that I would be calling the game tight, and that the next flagrant foul would not go unpunished.

30 seconds into the 2nd half, the African American boy had a hard foul. I blew my whistle very aggressively and yelled, “TAKE A REST BLACK!” After realizing what I had said, I immediately tried to correct myself. I stumbled over every word. The damage was already done. One player on the other team said to me, “Not cool dude.”

NARLynick

61. Thanks, But No Thanks

When my girlfriend broke up with me, I was completely caught off guard. As a result, I stupidly blurted out “Okay, thank you.” It has made many things very awkward ever since.

Inesophet

62. Funny You Should Say That…

One of my animal shelter buddies messaged me some text and two pictures over Facebook. I didn’t scroll up to the text; I only saw the one pic, which was a very funny looking dog. It was a fat Chihuahua that had a very bewildered look on its face. I replied “LMFAO” and then forgot about it. A couple of hours later, I looked again. I actually scrolled up that time and saw the text. That’s when my horrific mistake dawned on me.

It provided backstory to the picture of the funny-looking dog. A man had passed and my friend was trying to rehome his two dogs…to which I had replied LMFAO. So, I’m an idiot. I tried to explain and apologize, but I still think she’s a bit salty about that.

Footpeter

63. What a Coincidence!

While we were setting up for Black Friday one year, a coworker at my old job once said, “It’s pretty crazy that Black Friday actually falls on a Friday this year!”

LucSteelewalker

64. Uno, Dos…Oops

In college, I was applying for a co-op internship at some big corporate company. Of course, like all applicants, I wanted to make myself sound as appealing as possible. I decided to change “Familiar with basic Spanish” to “Proficient Spanish Speaker” on my resume. The job didn’t have anything to do with speaking Spanish as far as I knew, so I figured it was a harmless fudge.

I thought they’d never find out the extent of my Spanish knowledge was the three years I’d taken in high school. Well, I get to the interview. Everything starts out seemingly going well. Until she says, “Oh, you speak Spanish! That’s great!” She said, “We’ve been hoping to find someone to help in our South American division. Let me grab my colleague.”

Before I could respond she leaves the room and quickly returns with a woman who is clearly of Latin descent. The original interviewer says to her “This is him; he says he speaks Spanish well.” I’m sweating at this point—but it was about to get so much worse. The Latina lady looks at me and immediately starts going off in full-speed Spanish.

I could tell she was asking me questions, but have almost no idea what she’s saying. I tried desperately to remember anything left in my brain from high school, but think I just stammered, “Si” a bunch of times while smiling and nodding like an idiot. Eventually, I just said, “Sorry I’m a little rusty, it’s been a while.” She just gave me an annoyed look and left the room.

Needless to say, the rest of the interview was pretty awkward. A decade later, and that remains the only job interview in my life that I didn’t get an offer from. Valuable LPT learned that day: Don’t put anything on your resume you’re not prepared to potentially get called out on. Too bad I had to learn that the very hard way.

Inthedarkend

65. The World’s Least Exclusive Club

Saw some lady at Costco throw a tantrum because the line was long. She kept screaming, “But I have a membership!!!” You literally have to have a membership to shop there, the entire line had memberships.

Permalink

66. Inside Jokes Are Not Outside Jokes

At work (on my personal email) I was emailing my best friend who was Polish, and we often used “polak” as a joke. Me being part Italian, I also referred to “greasy Italians.” Sent the email to my friend. Then I looked again, and my stomach dropped. I realized I had typed it up in the wrong email window and had sent it to a client.

Xcopa

67. Walk Tall

An aggressive bully started walking away from me one time, and my amazing brain came up with “Yeah, you better walk away!” He then turned around and I nearly pooped my pants.

Aymoss

68. Going Nuclear

We were in sociology class talking about current events, specifically about Iran and North Korea’s nuclear programs. One girl asked the professor very gravely: “Do you think that we have nuclear weapons?” This was in the USA. The prof was completely speechless. I don’t even think he ended up responding to her at all.

Kraelman

69. Liquid Courage

I was at work when my crush (and supervisor, yep great situation) calls me into the office and asks me why I called her the night before. My heart sank. I got wildly drunk that night and honestly could not remember a thing. She also informed me that several minutes into the conversation/monologue she handed the phone over to her mother.

I still pulled a blank, in fact I was so convinced that nothing happened I was sure she was winding me up. If anything like that had happened after all why was she still even talking to me let alone letting me continue to work with her. She insisted that I called and I refused to believe her. But the awful truth eventually came out.

It was not until late January when I received my detailed mobile phone bill that showed a 48-minute phone call to her number late on December 31 that I finally had to believe her. The difficult part was facing her mother after my boss and I became an item. We are now very happily married but even now my mother in law still makes fun of me over that phone call. My wife however is very happy.

Joks_away

70. Booking Problems

In 12th grade, I was going on a class trip to Disney World. Our teacher chaperones were all bustling around at the gate, making sure that everyone was ready to board the plane.Idiot Girl: “I lost my boarding pass! I must have left it at the bookstore I was browsing in!” Teacher: “Run back to the bookstore and see if they have it!”

Girl leaves for like five minutes and then returns. Teacher: “Did you find it?” Girl: “No.” Teacher: “Did you go back to the bookstore you were in before?”Girl: “No. That one was really far away, so I went to the closer one.”Entire Class: Silently staring with mouths open. I never forgot that girl’s stupidity for the rest of my life.

_Psychopathy_

71. An Awkward Coincidence

On my first date with my wife, we started talking about tattoos. I have a rule that if I have an idea for a tattoo, I sit on it for a while to see if it’s something I truly want. I mentioned this to her and explained how glad I am that I do this because otherwise I’d be covered in Tool (the band) tattoos or some, “other dumb stuff.”

Little did I know, I’d just messed up big-time. She rolled up her sleeve to show me that she had the lyrics to one of their songs tattooed across her arm. Oops!

thevagrant88

72. Nice Save

One time I went to send my buddy a picture of this girl I matched with on a dating app. Derp no. I accidentally sent it to her instead. Talk about freaking panic mode. Felt like the biggest creepy tool ever. My saving grace was that the picture wasn’t just of her, and had some of her friends in it. So, when she texted “why did you send me this?”

I responded with “Who is the girl to your left? She looks super familiar. What’s her name?” even though I had never seen her in my life. My buddy still rips me to this day about it.

IronMan291

73. Having Your Heart Ripped out

My brother is a surgeon, and during part of his residency, he had to work in the pediatric unit. He was working with two newborns. One was getting much better and fighting for life. He was going to make it just fine. The other baby was hours from passing on. He wasn’t going to make it. My brother was in charge of informing the families.

My brother realized about 15 minutes later that he had mixed up the families. He told the family with the healthy baby that their baby wasn’t going to make it, and he told the family with the dying baby that their baby was going to be just fine. He then had to go back out to the families and explain the situation to them.

How devastating. To be given a glimmer of hope and have it ripped away from you not even an hour later. That was most upset I’ve heard my brother. He felt destroyed.

AndromedaStain

74. Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise

I was the culprit in my case. I was shopping with my spouse after our child was born. We were in the baby aisle. She picked up a bottle of baby oil. This prompted me to ask aloud, “Wait. Baby oil is actually for babies?” A woman who had been walking into the aisle laughed audibly and immediately walked away and shaking her head.

Eudaimoniac_Dragon

75. A Slip of the Hand

I was in the middle of a remote assistance session with a user who was having trouble with his Outlook. I resolved his issue and proceeded to send a test email to myself along the lines of “test test this is a test.” I was doing a million other things at once, so I wasn’t paying attention to the screen or keyboard. When I looked at the screen, my heart sank.

“Twat twat this is a twat.” Luckily, the user I was on the phone with was a good sport and thought it was hilarious. I was pretty mortified.

KelseyMelsey

76. Automatic Responses

I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me as I go through the checkout line. I regret it every single time. Cashier: “The receipt is in the bag.” Me: “You too.”

HeyyImAlek

77. Count Them All

Fun story, while my wife was having her c-section for our daughter she overheard one of the nurses say “there’s only nine,” and my wife thought they were talking about my daughters fingers or toes. So she’s freaking out that our daughter is missing a finger or toe, and I keep assuring her that our daughter was perfect, which she was.

We found out about ten minutes later that the nurse was talking about the surgical tools that were supposed to be accounted for, and one of them was missing. So my wife got to spend the next two hours in x-ray because they thought they had left a tool inside her and stitched her up. They found the missing tool, not inside my wife, a couple hours later, so that was a relief.

HOBOHUNTER5000

78. Save Some Cringe for the Rest of Us

A female friend of mine–to whom I was admittedly attracted–had been expressing her reservations about an upcoming vacation with her family. Though it wasn’t being overtly presented as such, the trip was meant as a way of re-solidifying her parents’ marriage, which had been more than a touch rocky at the time.

They would all be driving from San Francisco to a small town in Northern California, where they’d stay at a bed-and-breakfast inn for a weekend before continuing northward for some unknown destination. In keeping with the alleged purpose of this so-called vacation, two rooms had been booked at the inn in question.

To her dismay, though, my friend discovered that her mother would be occupying one room, her father would have the other, and that she and her sister would each have to bunk with one of their parents. This was worthy of lament on its own, but it was made unforgivably worse by the verbal diarrhea that I offered in an attempt at providing comfort:

“Aw, it won’t be so bad!” I told my friend. “Your father will probably enjoy sleeping with you.” A moment passed before I realized what I had said. Then, with a feeling of growing horror, I tried to explain myself. Suddenly, I made it 10 times more awkward. “Wait, I didn’t mean it like that!” I hurriedly said. “I mean, like, he’s probably sick of sleeping with your mom.”

“No, wait, I mean… I just mean that he wants to spend some quality time with his daughter.” If I had stopped there, I might have been able to salvage the situation, but as it happened, I decided that the best course of action would be to keep talking. “I can’t say that I blame him, really. I’d love to sleep with you.” She and I don’t talk much these days.

RamsesThePidgeon

79. The “G” Is Silent

I once sent a direct mail piece out quoting an Angus Reid poll. Left the “g” out, so of course, the spell-check didn’t catch it. Based on the feedback I received, virtually all those who noticed thought it was an improvement.

moirende

80. Brain on Autopilot

Once while working in retail, I suggested a customer’s husband “go on a Jenny Craig diet.” I don’t know what happened or what my brain was thinking, but I didn’t really realize I said it until it came out of my mouth. The customer calmly replied, “I don’t think so,” and then walked out. Not my best day.

froughty

81. A Teacher Gets Schooled in Empathy

I’m a teacher. I had a particularly difficult student who gave me a very hard time on an unusually hard day, early in my career. After class let out another colleague stopped by and without thinking, I said, “Nobody wants (“that difficult kid”) in their class! It’s hopeless.” I turned around and went white as a sheet. He was walking in the room to apologize and heard me.

However withdrawn and difficult he was before this, it multiplied tenfold, and I felt terrible. I tried to apologize to him, but he didn’t want to hear it. After that, I didn’t breathe a negative word about a child on school grounds. As an educator, you have to learn sooner or later that your students are the ones who get to act like children. Not you.

ligamentary

82. What’s in a Name?

When working at Taco Bell, I once had a guy at the drive-thru ask if we sell tacos. All I could say was “Let me check…”

nuclearbiscuits

Kristina Popovska | Factinate

83. The Mac Daddy of Mess ups

At the first advertising agency I worked at, one of our clients was an oil drilling company. I was working on some very standard ads for them, one of which had the headline, “FASTER, FARTHER, DEEPER.” I made a typo that caused the ad to read, “FASTER, FATHER, DEEPER.” Thankfully, my Creative Director caught it before it went to the client.

We all had a big (nervous) laugh about it and the original ended up on the creative department’s wall.

Linds360

84. Identity Crisis

An employee was looking through the box where we kept the nametags and asked: “Which one is my nametag?”

FDRs_ghost

85. Little Troublemaker

I’m a high school teacher, and this one student in my class is notorious for being a little troublemaker, to the point that no one in the class thinks he’s funny. I had my back turned and was trying to help a student when the delinquent asks to use the restroom. Problem is, he already went 30 minutes ago near the beginning of class,

Plus, passing period is about five minutes away, so I said “no” and to wait until passing period. He then repeats: “Mr. can I use the restroom, Mr. can I use the restroom.” Over and over again, this kid is 16 years old…not a little kid, bigger than me in fact. The other students are telling him to shut up, and he keeps going.

Finally, I turn around and snap at him, “Shut up you little jerk!” He had his phone out and was recording me the whole time. “Ha! I’m sending this to my mom!” I messed up, and I’m thinking I’m in some serious trouble. But his mom’s response was perfect. I got an email from his her later in the day: “He is a little jerk, isn’t he? My apologies.”

iRocked1987

86. No Really, Oh No

Working in an online gambling chat room. Dude comes to take me off my break and comes in the room. At that point, a player had told us his brother had just passed on so I said “Oh No!” Dude taking my place sees this and gives a big “OH YEAHHHHHH!” kool-aid guy style.

Not_simonH

87. Planning Ahead

A girl I know got a nose job. When I complimented her on her new look, she said: “I didn’t do it for me—I just didn’t want my kids to be born with big noses.”

frank_grimes1

88. Going for a Ride

I was walking into a dorm building with a friend one time, and she saw one of our friends coming into the dorm a few hundred feet behind us. She decided to scare him, so she hid behind a big pillar right near the entrance. The guy walked through the door, and she jumped onto his back, grabbed him around the neck, and started smacking his butt, yelling “Giddyup, Cowboy!”

The guy flipped out and got my friend off of his back. At that moment, we realized her huge mistake. It was not our friend, it was just some random, strange guy. My friend turned bright red and ran up the stairs without saying a word. From then on, that guy would see her sometimes in the halls and say “Hi, Cowgirl” and she was always way too shy to reply.

karmanaut

89. Can You Feel the Stupidity Tonight?

A few years ago, I was traveling in Kenya and a few of us shelled out for a safari. Our guide was great and at one point said all the names for the animals in Swahili—the word simba is lion, for example. An American tourist then asked, “Did you always call them that, or did you decide to change it after The Lion King came out?”

I really wanted to apologize to the tour guide at that moment, who had to respond with respect to that guy.

Andromeda321

90. Foreign Policy

During a really long car trip with my parents, we were discussing countries we’d like to visit someday. My mother said she’d like to visit Japan to see the Great Wall of China. My dad and I don’t let her forget that comment.

ElementalDinosaur

91. The Hockey Player’s Smile

Blackout drunk with friends, we decided to walk and get more snacks. A friend told me she would give me a piggyback ride so I ran at her back at jumped—turns out, that was a terrible idea. She wasn’t ready and fell forwards, resulting in me awkwardly going over her, landing on the pavement and sliding on my face. I popped up real quick, felt at the blood on my face, and shouted out, full of panic to my friends, “AM I STILL PRETTY?”

I looked like I had barely survived a car accident. I was not pretty in that moment but my friends all kindly assured me I was still beautiful as they drunkenly applied first aid. This was years ago; we all went our separate ways, but I still hear it every time I run into them in our small city. I healed up nicely with a small scar.

tor_92

92. That Would Be a Stupid Emergency

We were in the car and an ambulance passed us with the lights on. My friend turned to me with a very serious look on her face and asked, “If you were a blind and deaf driver, how would you know to pull over for an ambulance?” This became my senior yearbook quote.

SlickWinston

93. Chicken Tartare

I’ve been a cook for 15 years. One time, a server asked me to rush a chicken breast through because she forgot to ring it in. I said, “Ok, it will be a few minutes though, it’s still a bit raw.” “Just give it to me, it’s fine,” she says. I tell her I don’t feel like giving anyone salmonella today and she will have to wait.

Her jaw drops and her face turns red. She rather belligerently shouts that she’s losing tip money because of me, then adds “Besides, people don’t get salmonella from chicken, they get it from salmon. You’re a cook, you should know that by now.” Every person in that room did the slow neck-turn of “What did I just hear??” and just stared at her.

Permalink

94. Prefix Trouble

When someone said their food was too hot, a friend suggested putting it in the microwave on defrost to cool it down. I guess he figured anything with frost in its name automatically meant cold…

spinynorman1846

95. Moving into the Friendzone

When I was 14 (just starting high school), there was a girl I started talking to who I just clicked with, pretty much my first real friend in high school. After a while, I got a crush on her and some of my other friends would always joke about how we’d be a cute couple. High school freshman stuff essentially, and each time we’d shrug it off as a joke.

One day right before lunch is over we’re just chilling and talking, I forget what it was about, but as the bell rings she just kinda awkwardly asks, “Hey,  you wanna walk me to class?” Now at this point, most people would have alarms going off in their head, “This is your chance,” but not me. Me, being the fantastic student I am, simply said, “I can’t, I’ll be late to class.”

And walked off after that. I get to my next class and then it hits me, and I immediately tell my friend, who just looks at me like I’m a dummy. Long story short, friend-zoned, and to this day I still get the occasional, “Hey, wanna walk me to class?”

xomega3

96. Everybody Poops

I work at an animal shelter and a woman asked me if we had any dogs that didn’t poop. I told her no, all dogs poop. That’s when she asked about cats…

dazzleduck

97. A Short Ride

I don’t see these people so much, but I can only assume that they remember. In elementary school, the route I was on for the bus didn’t have many kids, so they had sent along a smaller bus until they combined our route into another, thus a full-sized bus. I wasn’t very aware as a kid, and had no shame of this fact, and never thought of it much.

As a teen, someone made some crack about “taking the short bus,” to which I responded by blurting out, “Aw I remember taking the short bus to school.” As they started laughing, I realized why I shouldn’t have shouted it out. Was long after graduation when I ran into an old classmate, and the first thing he asked was if I took the short bus there.

brandnamenerd

98. Walk It off

I was discussing a recent surgery I had at work to a bunch of people, including a lady with spina bifida who lives in a wheelchair. I specifically was talking about how annoyed I was by not being able to walk for three weeks. I revisit that one a lot.

Tavyan

99. Like Mother, Like Daughter

My first year of college I met a girl and we became fairly close. She lived nearby so we’d spend time with her family for free meals and whatnot. One day, we’re sitting in her living room with her mother, and besides the obvious 20 year age gap, they looked nearly identical. Discussing getting into the bars, my friend says, “Mom, I’ll just use your ID and they won’t even notice. We look the same.”

I tell her that won’t work, because her mother’s ID says her birth year and my friend most definitely does not look 40. I thought my friend was dumb for not realizing that, but somehow, her mom was even worse. The mom thinks for a minute and then blurts out, “Oh, I have an old ID from when I was 21, you could use that one.”

My friend agrees and they talk about how smart their plan is… they were both equally stumped when I reminded them that just because she got the ID when she was 21 doesn’t mean the birth date would be any different.

Ocula

100. Sick Burn

I was in fifth grade or so and I was sitting in class with a couple of classmates. We were talking about Weird Al songs we liked. This one girl asked, “Have you heard (some Weird Al song)?” and I followed with, “Have you ever heard I’m So Sick of You?” Well, I guess she hadn’t heard because she looked immediately down at the desk, sort of somber.

unloadedboar

101. Kodak Moment

I was working at a Kmart Portrait Studio in an African American neighborhood. A father and son came in for pictures, and they weren’t in very good spirits. In training, I had been taught to get kids to smile by telling them to say things like “monkey toes” and “chicken lips.” I, a moronic, clueless white kid, slipped up and told this black man and his son to say “monkey lips.”

There was no laughter, and I backpedaled quickly, but I felt terrible. I still get nauseated when I think about it twenty-five years later.

Dangerous_Prey

102. Who’s the Boss?

I was on the phone with my boss and she was getting really irritated about something, I don’t even remember what. The combination of her irritation and my exhaustion made my brain misfire, and I ended the call with six words that haunt me to this day. I said, “Okay bye Mom, I love you!” I was so embarrassed, but she thought it was hilarious.

She then started calling me her adopted daughter after that. I mean, she is the same age as my mom so it’s not too weird, but I certainly felt like a child around her instead of a colleague until she left the company. I miss her, though.

TheQueenWhoNeverWas

103. Good Grief

My mother and I were out walking and we came across an older couple we knew from the local church. Their eldest son had passed the previous year from an inoperable brain tumor, and their younger son just moved out for university. Mum starts with, “Must be nice to have the house to yourself! More time for Church!”

The conversation devolves from there. She ignores all hints to drop the subject, including the mother stating they hadn’t been back to the church since their son passed. The couple were obviously horrified. I couldn’t end the convo quick enough. Afterward, my mother told me I was just being immature and had no conception of what “polite adult conversation” was like.

HappinessIsAPotato

104. Grease the Wheels But Not Like That

My co-worker right now. We have union jobs, so we can go to interviews for promotions and such while still on the clock. He averages one interview a week and still hasn’t been promoted or hired anywhere else (He’s actually super mad at me because I just started here last October and I’m leaving next week for my own promotion).

Anyway, I heard him schedule one of his interviews the other day and it was the cringiest thing ever. This was his opening line: “Yes, is this Pam? This is Gary, you probably don’t remember me, but I interviewed for you a couple of months ago for the _____ position. I must have been a bad boy [said like you would say if you were into baby talk] though, because I didn’t get a callback. Do you remember me? No? Oh…well, anyway, I was calling to set up an interview for the _____ position you have open over there.”

Names changed obviously. When this dude found out about my promotion, he instantly turned purple and stormed out of the building. When he came back 30 minutes later, he walked into my cube and rubbed my back while telling me he wasn’t mad at me, just mad at the system. I was so uncomfortable I wouldn’t even look him in the eye.

I never looked away from my computer screen. The dude is just not aware at all.

Kor_of_Memory
Frustrated male employee discussing contract details over the phone.

105. A Class of Her Own

There is a girl in my class who is beyond help at this point. Her best moments: “I don’t want to donate my eyes because I don’t want people to see what I’ve seen.” “Gingers can’t be American.” “Yay! I got a D in French.” I just want to clarify the French grade, though. I don’t want to seem like I think I’m better than anyone because of grades.

I wrote this one down because she interrupted other people’s learning and shouted this out in the middle of the lesson. Honestly, as long as anyone tries in their test it’s fine, but she was on her phone most of the time.

Tophat_Peasant

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10


Factinate Featured Logo Featured Article
My mom never told me how her best friend died. Years later, I was using her phone when I made an utterly chilling discovery.
The Truth Always Comes Out: Dark Family Secrets Exposed The Truth Always Comes Out: Dark Family Secrets Exposed
Factinate Featured Logo Featured Article
Madame de Pompadour was the alluring chief mistress of King Louis XV, but few people know her dark history—or the chilling secret shared by her and Louis.
Entrancing Facts About Madame de Pompadour, France's Most Powerful Mistress Entrancing Facts About Madame de Pompadour, France's Most Powerful Mistress
Factinate Featured Logo Featured Article
I tried to get my ex-wife served with divorce papers. I knew that she was going to take it badly, but I had no idea about the insane lengths she would go to just to get revenge and mess with my life.
These People Got Revenge In The Most Ingenious Ways These People Got Revenge In The Most Ingenious Ways
Factinate Featured Logo Featured Article
Catherine of Aragon is now infamous as King Henry VIII’s rejected queen—but few people know her even darker history.
Tragic Facts About Catherine of Aragon, Henry VIII’s First Wife Tragic Facts About Catherine of Aragon, Henry VIII’s First Wife


Dear reader,

Want to tell us to write facts on a topic? We’re always looking for your input! Please reach out to us to let us know what you’re interested in reading. Your suggestions can be as general or specific as you like, from “Life” to “Compact Cars and Trucks” to “A Subspecies of Capybara Called Hydrochoerus Isthmius.” We’ll get our writers on it because we want to create articles on the topics you’re interested in. Please submit feedback to contribute@factinate.com. Thanks for your time!

Do you question the accuracy of a fact you just read? At Factinate, we’re dedicated to getting things right. Our credibility is the turbo-charged engine of our success. We want our readers to trust us. Our editors are instructed to fact check thoroughly, including finding at least three references for each fact. However, despite our best efforts, we sometimes miss the mark. When we do, we depend on our loyal, helpful readers to point out how we can do better. Please let us know if a fact we’ve published is inaccurate (or even if you just suspect it’s inaccurate) by reaching out to us at contribute@factinate.com. Thanks for your help!

Warmest regards,

The Factinate team