Sometimes, we all experience verbal vomit that we would rather take back; our brains are not quick enough to catch up with our apparent wit before it comes spilling out, causing embarrassing, awkward, and sometimes hilarious results. Even when we back-pedal quickly, it is often too late and the damage is done, causing ruined relationships, lost jobs, or extreme misunderstandings. From responses to awkward baby names and odd beliefs to poorly-thought-out comments about high stakes-situations like losing a toe, these Redditors share their most cringe-worthy, ill-timed, accidentally off-color, not-so-wisecracks.
I recently started going to Church again. In January, I went to a college-aged member’s event, and while I was standing in line to get in, I started chatting with the people around me. We were talking about New Year’s resolutions and working out. One girl suddenly piped up, “But be careful of yoga! Some of the positions are for worshiping the Devil!”
I howled with laughter; I legitimately thought she was being sarcastic or funny. I even cracked a joke about downward dog being mildly suggestive. Unfortunately, it turned out she was very serious. She looked absolutely horrified. She stepped away from me like I was going to contaminate her, and then quoted some scripture that apparently connected to yoga, although I still haven’t been able to figure out how she made that leap of logic. I guess I’ll never know.
2. A Scot-centric View
One day, a customer asked me why our produce section was so empty, especially in terms of leafy greens. I told him that it was because of the extreme weather and drought in Spain, where we source most of our produce. He cut off my explanation with, “Why does it matter what’s going on in Spain? We’re in Scotland!”
3. I’ve Seen Bigger Chunks Of Corn In My…Breast Milk?
Years ago, the place where I worked held a staff potluck. A co-worker of mine was breastfeeding at the time. She wouldn’t eat the corn salsa someone brought because she was concerned that the baby might choke on the corn pieces. I was confused, and upon further questioning, I found out that she thought that since corn doesn’t, uh, digest completely, that meant that it would “come out through the milk” the way it comes out when you poop.
Her concern was that the little husk things on the corn kernels might kill her kid. I laughed—but stopped very quickly when she walked off in a huff. She was dead serious.
4. Newton’s Nemesis
I was starting to go back to the gym regularly, and I didn’t have a lot of experience there. I commented to a lady next to me that it seemed like it was harder to curl when you’re sitting than standing. She looked at me very seriously and said, “Well that’s because when you’re sitting, the gravity is affecting you more strongly.” I assumed she was just joking…she wasn’t.
5. In Vino Veritas
An acquaintance of mine was regaling his fellow partygoers with his drunken jokes one night. We had all been howling with laughter, and everyone was having a good time. He then began a story about being found as a newborn in a field, left there by his teenage mother who had hidden her pregnancy and given birth to him at home.
All he knew about his biological mother was that she was a Waffle House waitress. We sat there, enthralled, waiting for the punch line—until we realized there wasn’t one. That was his actual history.
6. From The Mouths of Babes
One day, I was having a conversation with my young daughter. She asked, “How do we even know that dinosaurs were called “dinosaurs” if they’re all dead now and we’ve never met one in real life?” I laughed and told her she was funny, but she crossed her arms and asked, “What’s funny?” She was serious. She was not letting it go.
It took me literally half an hour to even get her slightly on board with the fact that things are called things because we decided on the name, not because things inherently have a name that we can discover. I wish I were joking. That was a long day.
7. A Reasonable Response
A couple of months after I left my last job, I heard that my ex-boss’s wife was divorcing him. He was a bit of an idiot when I worked for him, not very flexible and generally a bit mean towards me, but I didn’t hate him for it or anything. It was part of the reason I left though. I ended up going for a drink with a group of my ex-colleagues much later, and in his drunken state, my ex-boss asked if I wanted to know what his ex-wife had written on the divorce papers.
Obviously I said yes, and he told me she’d filed for divorce because he was unreasonable. I laughed in his face, as he is literally the most unreasonable man I’ve ever met. The deadpan look he returned made me realize he was deadly serious. Felt pretty bad for that.
8. Mixing Drinks
A co-worker of mine mentioned that she thought milk was too rich one day at lunch. I thought she meant that she just didn’t drink milk as a result. What she actually did was 1,000 times more horrifying. As I stood there watching, she poured herself a glass of water—and then added two of those little cups of non-dairy creamer as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
This was almost two years ago, and I still don’t know what to think.
9. Toe-ing The Line
I was hanging out in the hall with some friends when one of our teachers walked by. One of my friends asked, “Hey, how’s the toe doing?” The teacher responded, “I’m going to find out tomorrow if I can keep it.” I burst out laughing, because he’s normally a pretty funny dude and makes a lot of jokes. I stopped when I noticed that nobody else was laughing.
He just gave me this really weird look and then walked back to his room. It turned out that he had actually been bitten by a brown recluse spider, and there was a serious possibility that he would lose his toe for good. I felt terrible afterward.
10. Magic Pills
My husband and I were in Costa Rica and when we pulled up outside of our resort, a gentleman brought us a tray with two champagne glasses containing the best piña coladas I’ve ever had. Next to each glass was a large white pill, like an antacid. We both stared at one another, not knowing what to do. Were they candies? Were they vitamins?
Thankfully, we didn’t eat them, because right then the gentleman pulled out a carafe of water and poured it on one of the pills, which expanded and turned into…a face cloth. We both came very close to eating whole face cloths.
11. Open-Door Policy
On the first day of my new job, my new boss was discussing standard office policies. After going through the usual stuff, he said, “I’d also like to point out that we have an open-door policy here.” I replied, “Oh, great! So if I have a problem I can come to you?” He gave me a severe look and stated, “No, I mean keep your office door open at all times.”
I thought he was joking. It transpired that he was not.
12. And You Have My Bow
One day, I was having a conversation with a co-worker, and the subject of kids came up. He told me he had a son, so I asked what his son’s name was. He answered Legolas. After two seconds of laughing, I realized he wasn’t laughing. His son was actually named Legolas.
13. Mistaken Identity
My friend started dating a new girl he met when he was traveling for a few months. He came back and had been dating her for months already, and they had decided to keep the relationship going when she also returned home from overseas. We kept joking with him about her, asking what she looked like, and suggesting that she wasn’t real because he wouldn’t show us a picture.
Eventually, we wore him down and he pulled out his phone to show us a picture. It was a group shot of about 30 people in the jungle. Behind him on the right was an ugly blonde guy and next to him was a pretty brunette girl. He pointed at his girlfriend in the picture, and I thought he was pointing at the brunette. I jokingly pointed at the blonde guy and said, “Oh this one here?” and all my friends laughed.
The guy didn’t laugh, just replied, “Yup.” I looked at him, puzzled, and my brain didn’t catch up. I should have stopped there—but I kept going. I pointed again at the guy. “This one here?” He responded again, “Yup, that’s her.” It sat in the air for a few seconds; apparently everyone else had worked it out but me. “Shut up, that’s a guy!” I joked. He just stared at me, and then walked off.
I realized he was serious. It wasn’t a guy. It was a blonde girl with short hair and a strong jaw. We’ve never spoken about this nasty misunderstanding since, and I still feel terrible, although he did propose to her eventually and they’re getting married next year, so obviously I didn’t put him off that badly!
14. High Expectations
I was out with a girl for a first date, and we were just chatting and getting to know each other. I thought it was going fairly well. Then she brought up commitment and relationships, and I thought that is was no big deal, because she was probably just feeling me out. Well, I was right and wrong. She told me that she didn’t “do friends” with guys.
My initial thought was that that was good, as I wouldn’t have any guy friends to be worried about. I said as much, but she corrected me quickly. She said, “No, that’s not what I mean. I mean that you are going to have to commit to me and be exclusive and THEN we can work on becoming friends.” I tried to casually laugh it off, thinking it must be some sort of joke. I said something along the lines of, “You’re braver than me; commitment to a complete stranger isn’t my thing.”
This was her response, and I’m not exaggerating: “Yes, that is exactly what I mean. I don’t do this whole ‘you date me for a few weeks then decide I’m not for you and you decide to go date another girl and end it with me’ thing. I’ll be angry if you are even going to speak to another girl while you’re my man. You are either going to commit now, be my boyfriend through thick and thin, make your business my business, and be my everything—or you might as well walk out now.”
I tried to say something about how that was the reality of dating, that you have to find the right person, but she snapped back saying that she was almost 30, with no kids, no husband and that the next guy she dates WILL marry her and give her children whether he wants to or not. At that point, I slapped $40 down on the table for a $28 check, apologized for “wasting her time” and walked out. I couldn’t believe it.
15. Jerry, Jerry!
I was hanging out with a friend, out walking, and we ran into someone he knew from a while ago. They chatted for a minute, and then my friend asked, “How’s Jerry doing?” Without missing a beat, his friend replied, completely deadpan, “Oh he’s dead.” I burst out laughing, and the guy looked at me as if I was the most inappropriate person in the world. He was not joking. Jerry was dead.
16. Space-ially Challenged
I dated a girl for around four months a few years back. One day, we were chilling at my house, and I asked her if she wanted to watch an episode of Brian Cox’s documentary Wonders of the Universe. She declined—and when she said why, my jaw hit the floor. Apparently, she didn’t believe in space. She was 100% convinced that the sky was all there was, and that the whole idea of space was a huge cover-up by the government.
At first, I laughed—but then we argued and I discovered that I couldn’t win because I haven’t been to space, therefore she said I couldn’t prove it existed. We didn’t see much of each other after that.
17. Got Off On The Wrong Foot
Part of my job is processing new employees. We had this one new guy that just so happened to be in a wheelchair. He came in early on his first day, and I helped him with some paperwork. Then, he came back to my office in the afternoon and said, “I think I got off on the wrong foot with you.” Thinking that he was making a self-deprecating joke to kind of address the fact that he was in a wheelchair, I laughed and said “Good one!”
He just looked at me, blank-faced, and said, “What do you mean?” The dude really thought he had done something to make me angry earlier and was trying to apologize! I did my best to awkwardly back-pedal by saying, “That’s funny you think I was mad. I wasn’t at all!” He was still looking at me funny when he left the office.
I literally spent a week cringing every time the phone rang because I was sure I was getting called into HR.
18. When Rocks Need Disclaimers
I work as a server in a restaurant. We use little wooden trays as check presenters and, since it is an open-air restaurant, we weigh down the receipts with shiny decorative stones. I put down a check for an older couple and when I got back, the man said, “You should warn people that those rocks aren’t chocolates! I could have broken a tooth!”
I get a lot of older people who like to joke around with me, so I definitely thought he was kidding. He was not. He was actually mad at me because he had tried to eat the rock and it was obviously my fault.
19. It’s The Little Things That Trip You Up
I scored an interview for a dream job. I did all of my research about the company, bought a new suit, the whole shebang. I gave the man interviewing me a firm handshake, answered all of his questions easily, and felt pretty confident. After finishing the otherwise flawless interview, we shook hands again, and I said, “Thank you sir.”
To my horror, she replied, “It’s Ma’am.”
20. Driver’s Ed
I was at work one day, and my coworkers and I suddenly heard a loud BOOM. We all paused, but nothing else happened, so we didn’t think much of it. Five minutes later, an older lady who was in the store almost every day walked in, came up to me and said, “I just drove into your building.” I looked at her, and right before I began to laugh out loud, I realized from the look on her face that she actually had!
21. Never Guess A Woman’s Age
I was at a Kobe Steakhouse, which is one of the places where they cook the food on a grill in the middle of the table group. It was the birthday of a girl across the table, who was there with her family. Once the table realized it was her birthday and we all wished her a good day, she asked me how old I thought she was.
If I were putting money on it, I would have said 13, but I figured she’d feel good if I said I thought she was a bit older, so I guessed 16. She got mad and said, “No! I’m 20!!” I laughed. She didn’t. Then I realized she was serious. Now every time my friends and I go to Kobe Steakhouse, we bring it up.
22. Conflict Avoidance
I used to teach drama camp. I would take suggestions from the kids on Monday, write a half-hour play based on those suggestions that night, and then they would practice it all week and perform it on Friday. I once had a parent come to see me after reading the script I had written. She asked if there was a way to do a play with no conflict in it. I laughed, assuming that she was making fun of the other politically correct soccer moms I had to deal with.
Nope; she meant it. She wanted us to tell a story without any obstacles or confrontations. I then carefully explained to her that a story without conflict would not be a story, but just a series of occurrences. Man wants pizza. Man goes to fridge. There is pizza in fridge. Man eats pizza. Theatre! She was not impressed.
I used to work at Chick-Fil-A. One day, a semi-regular customer ordered 12 nuggets and a large fries and asked for 11 packets of ketchup and two of Chick-Fil-A sauce. Now, Chick-Fil-A doesn’t use those tiny teaspoon ketchup packets; they’re a full 1oz. So, all-in-all, he ordered 13oz of sauce for 12 nuggets and some fries. It was so much that I audibly laughed at him. He didn’t think it was funny.
24. Geography Lesson
While our family was having a holiday dinner together, my sister-in-law was talking about potentially driving to Alaska because it “wasn’t that far from Texas.” We all laughed, thinking she was being sarcastic, but she asked what was so funny and looked genuinely confused. The rest of us just stared at each other.
She actually thought that Alaska was beside Mexico, because of the map of Alaska that was inset on most maps of the United States. I guess she had never seen a globe.
25. Education Is A Privilege
My dad lived a very hard life, never learned to read, and worked with his hands his whole life to provide for my mom and I. One time when I was about 15, we were watching Jay Leno and he was doing his Jay Walking segment, where he walks around the street and asks random people simple questions. I was talking about how funny some of the stupid answers were.
I said, “Can you believe there are really people in America who don’t know how many stars are on the American Flag?” My dad kind of chuckled and then said, “There are 52, right?” I cracked up, thinking it was a joke, but when I finally stopped to see the look on his face, I realized he had been asking a serious question.
I felt like an absolute jerk because I knew he was hurt, but I just really never imagined he was serious! I learned a pretty important lesson that day about judging people and being careful what you say.
26. From Smartphone To Sickphone?
One day, an elderly patient of mine came by the clinic saying she was sick. I examined her and found mild symptoms of a common cold, nothing too serious. I told her that she had an infection and this type of infection is treated without antibiotics because it’s not a bacterial infection, but a viral infection. She understood that part, but then she asked me: “So…do I have to stop using my smartphone, to prevent my smartphone from getting the virus?”
At first, I smiled because I thought it was a joke and I found it cute, but she was dead serious. She was genuinely concerned that she couldn’t get her smartphone close to her mouth because her viral infection might spread to her smartphone and get it hacked. I told her it was a different kind of virus, and that her smartphone was going to be fine.
27. The Sister-in-law Who Cried “No Babies”
After my sister-in-law had her son, she had a lot of trouble with her weight. She always complained about how hard it was to have a baby, and swore that she would “never do it again.” My husband and I ended up not seeing her for quite a few months. When we did all meet up again she said, with the flattest tone of voice I’ve ever heard, “I’m going to have another baby.”
I burst out laughing, because ever since her son was born, all she would say was that she would never have another. “No, I really am,” she insisted. I still didn’t believe her, so I asked jokingly, “Ok, when are you having this baby then?” Her response? “In three months.” Ah. Oh dear. My mother-in-law compounded the awkwardness by adding, “Well, didn’t you notice the bump?”
I hadn’t; I just thought she’d gained even more weight! I still cringe thinking about it, and it was four years ago.
28. Demon-Slayer Awakening?
I was a freshman in college, and I’d been invited to hang out by three seniors whom I’d had become friendly with because I enjoyed ballroom dancing. I got up to the study room they’d taken over and sat down to talk with them. That’s is when they informed me that the college was full of demons and they felt that I was a strong enough spiritual person to help them fight said demons.
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. They stared at me until the member who was the most with it backed them off and said I clearly needed time to adjust. I couldn’t believe it—they were dead serious. For some reason, I hung around after that and was witness to some pretty bizarre personal behavior, but nothing matched the way they stared at me when I laughed at them.
29. Never Assume
My parents own a pretty popular local restaurant. It’s widely regarded as a very good restaurant with tasty food and fantastic service. When asked, “How was everything?” many of our customers respond in a joking tone, “Horrible! Never coming back again.” They came back every day. Needless to say, I had grown accustomed to this banter and always played along.
One day, an older gentleman and his wife came in for dinner and I must have missed all the signals, or become totally overwhelmed during service, because as he was leaving, I asked him how everything was, and his response was, “Awful!” I laughed in his face and said, “Ha! Thanks! See you tomorrow!” He must have thought I was crazy. I saw his face and literally said out loud, “Wait…really?”
He then proceeded to tell me about his apparently sub-par experience, all in front of my parents, coworkers, and the other customers.
30. A Game of Memory
One day, I met a guy and told him my name. He said, “I’ll probably not remember it; I have memory problems.” I replied, “Yeah, I’m bad with names too.” I ran into him again two days later, and I remembered his name. He, on the other hand, apparently didn’t remember meeting me. I didn’t believe him at first and gave him some flack.
When I realized it actually wasn’t a joke, and that he actually did have memory problems, I felt like an ignorant jerk. Oh well; he doesn’t remember me laughing at him!
31. Timing is Everything
My partner and I had been talking about getting married; we already had a son and we were living together, so I knew it was going to happen. However, he chose very strange timing; when he proposed, we had just finished a really heated argument, and I had been crying and locked myself in our room. I came out about 30 minutes later to get some food, and he followed me into the kitchen. I immediately gave him the cold shoulder.
Then, before I knew it, he was suddenly down on one knee and asking me to marry him. I laughed and told him that he had better have decent timing when he actually proposed to me. Then, to my shock, he pulled out the ring, and I realized that he was 100% serious. He felt bad for the timing, I felt bad for laughing at him, but I said yes anyway.
Now we have another baby and have been married almost five years.
32. A Neighbor of His Word
A friend of mine asked her neighbor to keep an eye on her house while she was out of town for a couple of weeks. The neighbor agreed and made a corny joke about having a pool party at her house while she was out of town. My friend laughed it off, as did the neighbor. She didn’t think anything of it—until she came home to find her patio and pool completely trashed. Apparently the neighbor did have a pool party and never cleaned up!
33. Not All Who Are Educated Are Smart
I met a guy who was studying engineering with me, and one day he mentioned that he was part of the flat earth society. He said it completely deadpan, and I thought he was joking, so I laughed. He didn’t laugh with me. We ended up having an hour-long debate about whether or not the Earth was flat. No matter what I said, he wouldn’t believe me.
I also learned that he believed in almost every conspiracy theory out there. We’re still friends, but we don’t mention politics or anything like that anymore.
34. Do You Know Who I Am?!
I was a seating host at a restaurant during an insane night. There was a 2-3 hour wait for a table because there was a city Christmas tree lighting ceremony close by. A woman came up to me to ask how much longer before her family could be seated; I checked and told her about another hour. She asked if her husband had told me that they were going to the tree lighting ceremony, and I replied (politely), “Yes, you and the other hundred people in here.”
She then asked if her husband had told me he was the mayor, and I laughed. Then I realized that I had no idea what the mayor actually looked like, and it suddenly dawned on me that she was telling the truth and they really did need to get to the ceremony on time more than anyone else in the room. I got them seated pretty quickly after that!
35. Fish Match-Maker
I was having lunch with my wife and her grandmother for the first time. We had recently gotten two fish, a black one and an orange one, and my wife was telling her grandmother about the fish. Her Grandmother lowered her voice and muttered, “You got interracial fish?” I laughed because I thought it was a funny joke. Then I realized her grandmother wasn’t laughing.
She was serious, and offended.
36. TV Speaks The Truth
I was talking to my mom about the existence of life on other planets. She said, “Of course there’s life on other planets, Mars has little green people.” I thought she was kidding, so I laughed, and then added, “No but seriously, I hope we do find intelligent life sooner than later!” She stared at me as if I was stupid, and then spoke slowly as if speaking to a child. “We have! What do you think the characters on TV are based on?”
37. Mile High Club
A few months ago, I was on a flight coming home to the US from Israel, and I started chatting with the guy next to me, who was from Canada. We laughed at the same jokes and had a good flow going. An hour into the conversation, the guy asked me if I wanted to meet him in the restroom. I laughed and brushed it off, because he had just told me that he was married with a kid.
I stopped laughing when I noticed that he didn’t laugh with me—he was serious. It got super awkward after that.
38. Counter-Some Cultures
Back when I was slinging coffee in a little town, I had a regular customer named Dan. He had a green mohawk even though he was over 40, and he was breath of fresh air for me in an area without a lot of counter-culture. Dan would come in almost every day nice and early, before other people started showing up; so, we’d talk. One day, we were chatting as usual, the only two people in the shop, and we got on the subject of movies and entertainment. That’s the day Dan showed me who he really was.
He said, “Well, you know how they all stick together.” Smiling, I shook my head in confusion, and asked, “Who’s ‘they’? Entertainment people?” Dan shook his head, did a classic look-around-to-make-sure-we’re-alone glance, and said, “The Jews.” It took another few seconds for me to register that he was being completely serious, because it just seemed so far out of left field. Dan and I didn’t talk much after that.
39. There Is One Condition…
When I was getting ready to move out of my parents’ place to go to university, we were looking around for places to live in the area. We were checking Craigslist and the like, and we found a place for a decent price that was incredibly close to the school, so we called the number listed. A young lady answered, and we talked about the living conditions.
It was a flat rent, I wouldn’t have to pay utilities; I would get the guest bedroom, which had its own bathroom; and I would have full freedom to adjust the thermostat to my liking. At that point, I was thinking this is perfect. The girl on the phone did say that I wouldn’t have the place to myself; I’d be sharing it and splitting the rent.
I figured as much and was totally cool with it. My family and I went to check out the house in person, and when we got there, we were greeted by a nice, 20-something-year-old. Beside her was her grandmother, who looked to be in her 70s. My first thought was that grandma probably owned the house, and rented it out to make a profit. Then, when we started taking the tour, the truth finally dawned on us: Grandma would be my housemate. They weren’t looking for a tenant; they were looking for a caretaker.
The ad online NEVER mentioned that, and our phone call never brought it up, and we could tell that that had been omitted intentionally. The young lady would make comments to gloss it over, such as, “If you could occasionally just make sure she took her medicine, that’d be great.” I just looked at my parents and saw that they were on the same page. We told them we were going to continue looking around and left. My mother was dumbstruck. “She was going to leave her grandmother’s health in the hands of an 18-year-old stranger?”
We felt bad for them, but there’s no way I was going to unofficially take responsibility for some random person’s health.
40. Kodak Moment
I was working at a Kmart Portrait Studio in an African American neighborhood. A father and son came in for pictures, and they weren’t in very good spirits. In training, I had been taught to get kids to smile by telling them to say things like “monkey toes” and “chicken lips.” I, a moronic, clueless white kid, slipped up and told this black man and his son to say “monkey lips.”
There was no laughter, and I backpedaled quickly, but I felt terrible. I still get nauseated when I think about it twenty-five years later.
41. Communication Lines Crossed
I was an exchange student at an American high school. I had a crush on a boy, but never told him because he was so popular and I didn’t think that he liked me in that way. A decade later, totally by chance, we ran into each other at Oktoberfest in Germany. We sat on a bench and caught up, when he suddenly told me that he had really liked me in high school, but had never told me because he thought I just wanted to improve my English with his help and that I was not interested in him that way!
I didn’t believe him at first, but he was serious. So we got married.
42. The Reveal
My best friend since kindergarten just announced that he’s changing genders. When he told me, I thought he was playing some elaborate joke because he does that fairly often, and then makes fun of me for believing him. Consequently, I didn’t buy it fully–until he came over to my house and slept over. I woke up in the morning and he was in the bathroom.
When he came out, he had on full makeup and a dress. That was when I went, “Oh wow, you’re serious…” and apologized for not believing her. She’s still my best friend; I don’t care what she does, as long as she’s happy–and she forgave me for not believing her!
43. Everyone Has A Story
I work in a deli and one day, we had a new employee starting. I was mid-way through showing her how to display the chicken breasts when she turned to me and said, “I’m going to have to work up to the chicken. My ex used to tie me up and hit me with raw chicken breast.” I almost dropped the chicken. Her comment was so shocking and out-of-the-blue that I assumed it was a joke.
It wasn’t. She had genuinely just escaped an extremely abusive relationship. I just thought raw chicken grossed her out.
44. Accidental Hypocrite
I’m a paramedic. Just two weeks ago, we had a call to pick up a paraplegic at a nursing home. He had called 9-1-1 himself because he had end-stage cancer and was in constant pain, and he was claiming that the nursing staff wouldn’t give him pain medication. My partner and our student took care of him while I investigated his claims, assuming he was just confused or medication-seeking.
To my chagrin, it did appear nursing staff were diverting his narcotics. I lectured the nursing staff about having more compassion for their patients, then returned to the man’s room and saw that my partner and our student had him on the cot already. Forgetting he was paraplegic because I was still flustered about the nurses, when I buckled the straps over his legs, I thoughtlessly said, “Let me know if these are too tight on you.”
Totally straight-faced, he replied, “I can’t, I’m a paraplegic.” Whoops.
I had gone on one or two dates with a guy, and one day while we were chatting, he suddenly told me he was a werewolf, and that he had been raised by the family dog as a child and had used to eat raw ground meat. I thought he was joking, so I replied, “Cool, I’m part unicorn, that’s why I can eat lettuce on its own and not think it’s gross.”
I figured this was some casual live-action role-playing or something, because I knew he was into Dungeons and Dragons. Then one evening I joined him in my backyard while he was smoking. All of a sudden, the moon came out from behind a cloud—and that’s when things took a disturbing turn. He stared at it, howled, grabbed me by the shoulders, and declared that I was his mate. Then he bit me on the base of my neck really, really hard, apparently to mark me as his mate.
I suddenly realized that all those little things he had done that I had put down to him playing around were actually real to him. I got freaked out, ran inside and locked the door. As I watched through the window, he stripped off all his clothes, howled at the moon again, and ran into the nearby woods. Two days later, I heard he was in the hospital with hypothermia.
This was years ago, but about three months ago, he sent me a text saying that he’s still waiting for his mate to return to him. It was very awkward.
46. Dexter Dad
During a short car ride through town with my dad, I randomly mentioned that psychopaths don’t experience the phenomenon of contagious yawns. When he responded with a quick, “Really?” I laughed it off, and said that it may not even be true, and that maybe I hadn’t remembered the fact correctly. He said he didn’t get contagious yawns.
I looked over to the driver’s side with a smile, preparing to laugh again; Dad jokes a lot, so I was sure he was just pulling my leg. Nope. He was wearing the most serious, most worried look that I had ever seen on his face. He kept that nearly devastated look for the next hour or so. Apparently I made my Dad think he was a psychopath a week before Christmas. I still feel awful about it.
47. Mom Is Always Right
While home from university visiting my mother, she insisted that we go to a clinic to get me checked out. She was concerned about some weird symptoms I’d been having, even though I was convinced they were nothing. After a couple hours’ wait, a doctor was finally free to see us. She listened to my mom list her concerns about me, told me to pee in a cup, and then went away.
Twenty minutes later she walked in, sat down and, in a voice of as if she was announcing, “It’s a boy!” she said, “You have type 1 diabetes!” I laughed because I was sure she was joking due to her tone of voice, and said, “Okay but seriously, I’m fine, right?” “Oh,” she replied, her smile fading. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have sounded so happy there. Most times people your age don’t make it in in time to be helped, so I’m happy you came in when you did is all. You do have type 1 diabetes…sorry.”
I was a week away from hitting legal drinking age. It was not my best birthday.
48. Propaganda At Its Best
An old colleague of mine was bothered by the fact that when she was trying to get pregnant, she had to start smoking Serbian cigarettes instead of Swedish ones. Her main concern was that she thought she’d lose her job if she got caught smuggling Serbian tobacco. I was trying to figure out what any of this had to do with her being pregnant, so I asked her.
Her response? “Swedish cigarettes are much more dangerous than Serbian ones, it even says on the package that they cause cancer. There are no warnings on Serbian cigarettes, so obviously they are way safer. Where I am from, everybody smokes around the kids, and there is no damage at all! Here in Sweden, you have a lot more disabled kids then we do in Serbia. You should all just stop buying those dangerous cigarettes!”
49. It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses A Toe
One day, I was taking a long leg cast off of a kid who was about three years old. After I got the cast split open, I started to pull it off, and the Mother suddenly said, “Oh, his toe fell off.” I chuckled and replied, “Nice one,” thinking she was joking. She gave me a really angry look. It turned out that the kid had been in the cast because his small toe had been nearly amputated and then reattached.
The doctor was hoping that what tissue was still connected would be enough to vascularize the distal portion. It wasn’t. The kid’s toe had died and fallen off. Whoops.
50. Read To The End!
One of my animal shelter buddies messaged me some text and two pictures over Facebook. I didn’t scroll up to the text; I only saw the one pic, which was a very funny looking dog. It was a fat Chihuahua that had a very bewildered look on its face. I replied “LMFAO” and then forgot about it. A couple of hours later, I looked again. I actually scrolled up that time and saw the text. That’s when my horrific mistake dawned on me.
It provided backstory to the picture of the funny-looking dog. A man had died and my friend was trying to rehome his two dogs…to which I had replied LMFAO. So, I’m an idiot. I tried to explain and apologize, but I still think she’s a bit salty about that.