We can only hope that the people we meet and let into our lives are honest with us. We'd like to think that they only have good intentions and that they are always transparent with matters that involve us. Unfortunately, it is only human nature to lie to and keep secrets from each other. As frustrating as it is to deal with a liar, it is also, on the flip side, incredibly satisfying to expose them for being dishonest.
1. The Mark Of The Beast
When my friend was an infant, her older sibling was two years old. One day, they were left together in her crib while their mom had briefly left the room. When their mom came back a couple of minutes later, my infant friend was crying her head off. She had visible teeth marks all over her forehead. When her mom asked the older sibling what had happened, the older sibling calmly said, "She bit herself."
Quick thinking there, older sibling!
2. A Glass a Day Keeps the Bugs Away
I once informed my pediatrician that I "contracted malaria from a mosquito bite" and needed to miss math class to drink quinine, please. I was not bright as an eight-year-old. Well, bright enough to learn about malaria out of a Little House on the Prairie book, but otherwise, nope. The pediatrician made my mom give me a glass of tonic water each morning before second grade. Said it had plenty of quinine and would keep me safe from malaria.
Unexpected consequence, I still love the stuff and drink it regularly.
3. Hear Me out on My Hobbies
I've tested the hearing of a few kids (like 10-12 years old) pretending to be deaf in one ear. All you do is turn on your microphone and talk in the "deaf" ear at a quiet level and ask them a question about something they care about. Like young boys, for example, ALWAYS fall for it when you ask them, "What video games do you play?" at 20 decibels. Works every time.
4. In the Crosshairs of a Shaky Alibi
Paramedic here. A woman was shot. We arrive on scene and she has a single gunshot wound in her right thigh, minimal bleeding, and she is standing up and limping while talking to the police. She is very polite and nice and thanks us for coming to help her. She said she was walking in the parking lot of a restaurant when she saw a blue car drive by.
Then someone leaned out with a pistol, and then she felt something hit her leg. We help her to the truck, I bandage her wound, give her some pain medicine and on the to the hospital we go. She jokes about how she’s in the wrong place and the wrong time and is having an unlucky day. Oh, how I wish I'd been suspicious at the time.
We arrive at the ER, and I’m giving my report to the trauma team there when an officer on scene quietly comes into the room. I’m telling the patient’s story to the docs when the cop gets this huge grin on his face then nods at me to come outside. What he told me blows my mind. First, he told me that a blue car pulled up just when we left the scene.
Then, the cops checked the camera to see my patient inside the restaurant, yelling at the driver of the blue car. They leave the restaurant trying to get away from her, but my patient is chasing her. The video from the parking lot then shows my patient going to her vehicle and getting a pistol out. She starts to run after the other person. There’s a flash on the camera and the patient starts limping.
Ladies and gents, she shot herself in her leg.
5. This Claim Is Falling Flat
I used to work with a guy who was a serial liar. He pretty much could not tell the truth if his life depended on it. It was pathological, and you’d be surprised at how often the lies were just so transparent and obviously fake. He told so many memorable lines, but this one would have to be my personal favorite. Let me start by giving you some of the important background information.
Now, in the National Football League’s Scouting Combine, where they test the athletic abilities of some of the top athletes in the country, the 40-yard dash is the standard for speed. 4.5 seconds is great. 4.4 is elite. And the fastest time ever recorded I believe 4.24 seconds. That record was recorded by a star football prospect who was considered extremely unique and talented.
Now, keeping those facts in mind, allow me to inform you that this yutz I worked with claimed that back in his army days, he ran a 4.2 flat. In combat boots. Let’s just say I’m a little bit skeptical…
6. Well That's Just Plain Dark
I've been seeing a married woman for a couple of months. We have friends in common, so our relationship is limited to her coming to my apartment, us having drinks and maybe dinner and then having sex. I'm not actually sure why I'm doing it, as it leaves me feeling pretty low. I mean, where can this go really. She comes from a conservative culture and was a virgin when she married her husband. As far as I know, I'm her second lover. She whispered, "I love you" into my ear last night after we'd had sex. I said it back almost reflexively. I didn't mean it in the least.
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7. A Sign Of Things To Come
The most blatant and demonstrable lie that I’ve ever been told was: "I never said you had to sign the document if it wasn't true!" This was said by the same person who had just sent me no less than three emails telling me to sign the document, even after I said it wasn't true. Those emails were literally sitting in her outbox as she made this claim to me...
8. Parents Just Don’t Care
My parents always claimed that they “didn’t play favorites” between me and my siblings. I consider this to be one of the most blatant lies that I’ve ever been told. Allow me to explain why. My older brother used to always get presents on my birthday, not to mention on his own. Meanwhile, I had specifically been asking for a particular action figure from the cartoon "Street Sharks" for a long time.
I made it very clear to my parents that this was what I wanted for my birthday. I even showed my mother the exact toy that I was referring to when we were out shopping one day. Fast forward to the day my birthday arrived—I opened my presents to discover that I got clothes and new shoes, while my brother got the action figure that I asked for!
My grandma was so enraged at my mom when she found out about this. So she immediately took me to Toys R Us to pick out toys for myself. But that’s not the end of this story. It’s only the beginning. When I was 23 years old, my family once again asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I said I just wanted to have a simple steak dinner together as a family.
Did my parents listen? Of course not! We had spaghetti and vegetarian meatballs because that was what my brother wanted to have. There was not a single steak anywhere in sight. Another terrific birthday memory for me! Also, when the Xbox 360 gaming system came out, I was in high school. I shared a room with my brother, but I had a job and he didn't.
I used my own money that I had saved up to buy a new TV and an Xbox with one of my first ever paychecks. I came home one evening after work and was so excited to play Borderlands. I got to my room and the Xbox was gone. I made some inquiries and learned that my brother had taken it to his friend’s house. But wait—it gets worse. When I told my dad about it, he simply shrugged and told me to "just deal with it."
So I decided to take a walk outside to clear my mind and calm myself down from the anger and stress. I opened up my stash jar to discover that all of my stuff and over $200 worth of cash was completely gone. Obviously, I couldn't confront my dad about my stash jar, but when I told him my money was missing, he blamed it on me and said I must have lost it.
That night, when my brother came home, he was wearing a brand new jacket and matching shoes. He was also carrying leftovers from a restaurant. That was the last straw for me. I completely lost it and beat the heck out of him. Eventually, my dad had to call the authorities to have me hauled away. I was briefly put behind bars as a result of this call.
Despite all of this, my parents continued to claim that they did not pick favorites. This moment was a bit of a turning point for me though. I began to accept that there was nothing I could do about this unfortunate situation, and I just relied on the good wishes of those who cared about me to get me through all the nonsense that my parents put me through. For a long while, I stopped talking to my parents entirely.
Sadly, the story has a very tragic and unexpected ending. To everyone’s shock and horror, my brother took his own life six years ago. This took everyone completely by surprise. Needless to say, this event drastically changed my dad's attitude and entire outlook on life. As a result, he and I have somewhat reconciled with each other.
I'm still not in any contact whatsoever with my mother, and I strongly feel that this will never change. My grandparents all passed a few years ago, and that was the last time I ever saw any of my mom’s side of the family. After that night in juvenile hall, I was released back to my dad and had two years of probation. The Xbox was there when I returned home, but I never saw the $200 or my stash ever again.
I got a locked safe after that and I’ve been very protective of all my property ever since. Some experiences just stay with you forever. It’s been many years since my childhood though, and I'm in a much better place now emotionally. I have my own son, who I adore. And I spend all my free time making sure that he's as happy as can be because I'll never be the parent that I had growing up.
I will never lie to my kids, or even dream about treating them differently and playing favorites.
9. A Work of Fiction
Back in school, I was in English class and my friend knew that I had not done my homework of writing a short story. Knowing this, when the teacher asked for people to read out their story, my friend instantly shouted out that he had read my story and it was really good. To my friend’s amazement, I then proceed to stare at my book while making up a full short story. Teacher never noticed.
10. Ain’t It Funny How Time Slips Away?
The first watch that I ever owned was very special to me. It was an Omega, and I had saved up a ton of money for months back in high school in order to be able to get it. During class one day, one of my good friends asked if he could wear it for the rest of the period. He promised that he would give it back right at the end of lunch.
He begged and begged me for a chance to wear it. So, being a high school kid who didn’t really know how to say no, I finally caved and said, “Okay, I guess. Just make sure you give it back.” Weak on me, obviously. But boy, did I learn my lesson. When lunch was over and he brought it back to me, I looked at the watch and I was shocked. I could have beat him up right then and there.
Apparently, he smashed the glass to test it and see if it was truly unbreakable like he had heard. He hit it as hard as he could and completely destroyed it. He then assumed it was a fake and that this was why the glass had cracked. When he brought it back to me and I confronted him about why it was broken. He tried to claim that he had never smashed it and that it had just fallen apart on its own.
Needless to say, I didn’t believe him for a moment. That jerk grew up and went on to become a medical doctor. He is now involved in politics and holds state office. I’m still angry about the watch. To this day, he has never admitted that he broke it. I suspect that he was salty and jealous of me having the watch all along. He was a total jerk then, and he’s still a total jerk now.
11. Sinking to New Lows
This girl at my high school lied to everyone about having breast cancer. She even got "counseling" from a teacher who actually did have breast cancer, and who has since passed away. Eventually, everyone found out that she was just lying about the whole thing to get attention. I doubt we'll be seeing her at a high school reunion any time soon.
12. Dine, Dash, and Dump
I had been going through a rough patch with my GF at the time. We both worked at the same large chain grocery store and a lot of co-workers knew we were dating. One of the girls comes up to me when I'm closing and asks, “Are you still dating so-and-so? Because I just saw her in a coffee shop parking lot making out with some guy."
I trusted this source, and she was very upset when she found out she provided very hurtful news. Being an evil jerk, I began to plan my revenge. So, I told her we should go for a romantic getaway an hour and a half from home. We went to a nice restaurant and it was actually a good time. At the end of the meal I excuse myself to use the bathroom, I have a long drive ahead of me.
I go up to our waiter and ask him to tell her that I know. Give him a $20 as a tip (she was dead broke because she just paid for school, which I helped her pay). After the bathroom, I snuck out of the place, got in my car, and drove home. Her friend had to drive up, pay for the meal, and drive her home. We haven't talked since. Her friend told me I went a bit too far, but did I?
13. She Walked Right Into That One...
My boyfriend used to work the third shift at a popular gas station on the East coast. He worked with one of those notoriously terrible coworkers who calls in sick all the time with a ton of wild excuses. Well, one night, she called in saying that she was sick, that she was vomiting and feverish, and that she was sorry, but there was no way that she could come in.
The only person available to take her shift that night was the district manager, who happened to be in the area for a meeting. So, the district manager comes in and works the cash register with my boyfriend. At around 3 in the morning, who should walk in but the supposedly sick coworker! Oh, but it gets even better than that.
She was clearly wasted beyond belief and had innocently come in to buy two rolls of Tums, thinking that one of her friends would be there filling in for her. When she reached the front of the checkout line to discover that the district manager was the one who had actually taken her shift that night, she was fired on the spot.
14. Mission Less-Than-Plausible
My ex was in the Navy, and we dated for approximately 3 years, 1 of which we lived together. He had been deployed once during the first couple years of our relationship, so we mostly had a long-distance relationship until the last year we were together, when I moved in with him. After 3 months living together, he tells me he is being deployed again.
I'm disappointed but that's his duty, so I tell him I'll stay in the apartment and he can send me his 1/2 of rent, etc. because he didn't want to move all of his stuff out and lose the place. He said he was supposed to be gone for 8 months (February through October) and will be home by the end of October.
Anyway, time passed, we called, Skyped, and I sent care packages until the beginning of September, when he tells me he won’t be able to contact me until he is heading home. He says it's for some secret mission or something (I was 19 and very naive!). I don't hear from him again until Halloween night, telling me he will be home in 2 days.
I plan a party for him, inviting his mom & sister (his mom was born & raised in Haiti, and she speaks NO English.) Anyway, fast forward to party, I'm happy to see him and everyone's having a good time. My ex and his mom are speaking to each other in their native language (French Creole), and I can't understand what they're saying.
His sister says to him (in English) that he needs to go to his mom's house to help her clean out her gutters and change her air filter. He says back, "Oh it's okay, I did all that in September when I got home." I think he forgot he was speaking English. I am stunned and honestly, I just left. I wouldn't talk to him for two days.
When I finally picked up the phone, he confessed that he had been living with his mom the past 2 months so he could "see other people" without hurting my feelings. I moved out and never talked to him again.
15. Shaking the Truth Out
EMS here. Had a patient start seizing in front of the cops after they were pulled over for possible drunk driving. We get there and the patient is still on and off seizing. We get them on the stretcher and in the back of the ambulance, surprisingly the cop joins us. As I take their arm, the shakes start up again, so I tell them, “Yo, if you want this medication, I need you to stop so I can start and IV real quick...” His response was hilarious.
Patient stops to let me start the line, and once I say I’m done, they start back up.
16. The Right To Bear Himself
A childhood friend of mine once met up with me for coffee. This get-together came after not having seen each other at all for a few years. During this meeting, my friend casually "let it slip" that ever since he earned a black belt in karate, he has had to officially register with the state every year as a "human weapon." Well, isn’t that impressive!
17. A Whole Other World
I used to have a friend that would regularly spew out total nonsense all the time. She once tried to tell me that her biological parents, who live together, were secretly divorced and seeing other people, and also that she had 25 secret siblings. I innocently brought the subject up to her mom one time, which turned out to be a very interesting conversation…
She also told us that she had a terminal case of cancer, and then a week later it was miraculously cured.
18. The Elephant In The Room
Back when I was in high school, a buddy of mine once tried to assure me that he didn’t swipe our other buddy’s watch as he had been accused of doing. The only problem was that he forgot he was wearing that very watch when I asked him about it. So yeah, the immediate and obvious presence of contradictory evidence sort of made his claim difficult to accept…
19. I Ensure You I’m Not Okay
I had a lady in the hospital who was several days post OP and met all criteria for discharge, but she didn't want to leave. This can be a somewhat difficult situation, because you want to maintain a good relationship with your patient, but at the same time can't inappropriately use hospital resources. I told her that if there's no medical necessity, insurance could deny payment.
I couldn't believe her reply. She said: "Oh, my health insurance agent was just up here, and he said I should stay another day." I just stared at her for a minute since I have never seen an insurance representative in the hospital, and don't even know if health insurance agents exist. She then admitted that she just made that up.
20. A Very Driven Person
I fooled the DMV into thinking my out-of-state learner's permit was an actual driver license. I got it "renewed" and walked out of the DMV with a new class D driver license. I had never driven a car or even taken driver's ed.
21. Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Secret
I was dating a girl who was a model and used to fly to different parts of the country for photo shoots (typically LA and NYC). One trip, she said that the director of the shoot wouldn't allow phones on his set, and then she ignored me for 4 days. When I asked her about it and confronted her, she somehow convinced me I was the crazy one.
Fast forward a month: her and I are back to normal. Christmas rolls around, and I get her a really expensive diamond necklace. Fast forward about three months after that, and she gives me my birthday gift...A picture album of her (professional pictures) and says, "Remember that photo shoot I couldn't answer the phone? These are the pictures from that photo shoot! Don't you feel like a jerk?"
For a split second, I kind of did feel like a jerk, until I looked at a couple of the photos closer, and realized that the necklace that I bought her was dangling around her neck. I pointed it out to her, and she couldn't come up with anything, so I left her place. She called me the next day and admitted she was sleeping around in New York that one week, and that was all I needed to never speak to her again.
22. Take a Deep Breath and Sit up
I had an employee tell me their spine couldn't stay straight. When they tried to sit up, they'd flop to the left or right. Followed that up with telling me, they found out that this was due to one of their lungs being deflated. You know...because your lungs hold your spine straight. But the highlight for me came much later than this.
When he finally quit, he said he "just wasn't about that cubicle life.”
23. Leaving the Fold
I once had a math test in high school that I knew I was totally going to flub. I was normally a really good student and did well at math, but today just wasn't my day. The test questions were all on one sheet and we were instructed to use blank pages to write our answers. I sat during the whole test just doodling on the blank pages.
At the end, I put my name on the question sheet and folded over the corner as if there had been other sheets with it, put it on the pile, and walked out. Next class, the teacher pulled me aside and profusely apologized because she thought she lost my answers! She said she'd just leave it out of my overall class score for the semester. I couldn't believe that worked. I guess it wasn't technically a lie, but it definitely wasn't honest!
24. A Mechanical Error
When I was in college, I had just purchased two new front tires for my car this one time until, about a week later, one of my back tires got punctured by a nail. So I went in to the local tire shop to have it replaced. Later that day, they gave me a call:
Tire Shop: "The estimate to fix the puncture is X. Would you like us to repair it?"
Me: "Yes, please." It was a reasonable price.
Tire Shop: "Also, I noticed that the treads on your front tires look dangerously low."
Me: "My two front tires?"
Tire Shop: "Yes. They are at two-thirty-seconds of an inch low. This is legally worn down and they should be replaced. I can do it today for X dollars."
Me: "So you are telling me right now that my two front tires are dangerously worn down?"
Tire Shop: "Yes."
Me: "My brand new tires that I bought last week?"
Tire Shop: "Oh..."
Me: "You know what, forget about fixing the puncture. I'll be by in a minute to pick up my car so that I can take it somewhere else."
25. Undone by the Panty Raid
I went to my girlfriend's 18th birthday party. I wandered around mingling with all her friends, and then I realized I hadn't seen her anywhere in like 45 minutes. I thought nothing of it at first, but then I went downstairs to use the basement bathroom. It was locked. I knocked, and I heard a very breathy female voice say, "Occupied! Go Away!" Since I really had to go, I decided to wait.
GF came stumbling out of the bathroom with some guy about ten minutes later, looking all flustered and stinking of really cheap weed. Apparently, the guy bought himself a bathroom quickie with a few hits of a crummy toke. She made some excuse about how they were "just talking" and he was an old friend. I shrugged, actually wanting to believe her.
But when I went in to finally take a leak, the stupid girl had forgotten her panties on the bathroom floor. I handed them to her in front of all her friends upstairs and walked out. "Here. You forgot these in the bathroom downstairs." It was one of those classic zinger moments when you really burned someone, but at the time, I just felt sick and brokenhearted.
26. Banding It
I met this dude who wanted to join my band. He said he was a huge Pearl Jam and Rolling Stones fan. So, just for the heck of it, I asked him if he was also a fan of the band "Stone Sessions"—a fictional band that I just made up on the spot. He told me that he had every single one of their albums. The look on his face was priceless when I told him that I had just made up the band!
27. The Ties That Bind Us
I created a binder for a hotel that my company owns and filled it with forms and templates. I highlighted and wrote clear explanations of everything on each page. About a month later, I go over to the property to assist with some things, and the GM brings out the binder and says, "yeah, I just put this together as a tool for us here."
I immediately tell him, "No, you didn't. I made that and gave it to you." His face went white as he tried to recover by saying, "Well, I added a few things." He didn't. I definitely loved the faces of my colleagues when I went back to the office and told them all about it!
28. Getting Week at the Knees
I had an angry customer on the phone saying that someone had promised her a ridiculous deal that had obviously never happened. She "couldn't remember" when I asked her who she was speaking to at the time, so I tried to inquire a little further:
Me: "When did you call in?"
Her: "Thursday."
Me: "Did you speak to someone who was male or female?"
Her: "A woman."
Me: "We don’t have any female employees who answer the phones on Thursday."
Her: "No, wait, it was actually Wednesday!"
Me: "We didn’t have a female employee working the phones at any time for the past week."
Silence…
29. The New French Revolution
I speak French as a second language, though I’m slowly starting to lose the skill due to lack of use on my part. But I digress. While my skills in the language were still pretty good, one of my college guy friends started dating a girl who claimed to be from France. He was excited because she could talk to me in her native language and I could help translate.
So he brought her to a party at my sorority house and introduced us to one another. I greeted her in French with a very simple set of phrases: “Bonjour, bienvenue, comment ça va?” This literally just means: “Hi, welcome, how are you?” I got a blank stare and a red face from her in response. She then said, in what I thought was a kind of strange accent, that she was sorry, but that she didn’t understand me.
I looked at the guy and said: “I thought you told me she was French?” I figured maybe she was actually a different nationality and that my friend had gotten confused. He looked over at her and she immediately turned and left. He followed her. Then, a little bit later, he returned and said he had caught up to her. What happened next was shocking.
She started screaming at him in perfect, Midwestern-accented English that he was a jerk for setting her up to look like a fool. He had genuinely been excited that he could introduce her to someone she could talk to, so he was blown away by her accusations. She apparently felt that faking an accent would make her more appealing or something.
I would see her around on campus after that, but she always avoided me like the plague. To be honest, I felt pretty bad for her at that point. But, in fairness, if you’re going to try and fake something like that, at least pick a country with a language that you can speak! It was probably the least effort I’d ever seen put into a lie of that kind of magnitude.
30. Drowning in Consequence
"I don't drink a lot of water." The patient was drinking 21 bottles of water a day and was making herself hyponatremic (low sodium in the blood). She was basically diluting herself. This can lead to lethargy, seizures, death. The medical diagnosis is called psychogenic polydipsia.
31. Open Sesame
My sister's garage door wouldn't open for some reason. My husband went to check the opener and he noticed that there was a huge dent in the garage door. The dent was the exact height of the car's bumper. You know, the car that was parked inside that very garage! Nevertheless, my sister swore that she did not attempt to back out of the garage without opening the door.
32. The Bald Truth
I work as a nurse in the ER. A woman with a shaved head came in telling us she had leukemia and was in serious pain. She kept saying that she needed painkillers. There was one enormous problem. There were no records indicating she even had cancer, and when we did a complete blood count it showed that she was in fact healthy. After that, we discharged her and notified the police.
33. Band On The Run
When I was a kid, the internet wasn't a thing yet. So, my friends were whoever happened to live in the same neighborhood as me. One kid from down the street was a well-known liar and exaggerator. We were maybe about fourteen years old at the time when he started telling everyone he could play guitar. He was always talking himself up and bragging about "his band."
I remember that he actually could play reasonably well, but his "band" did not exist. One day, I dialed his house number, hoping to get a hold of him. I don't remember what the call was initially about, but a few minutes into the conversation, he told me, "By the way, I'm in Florida right now with my band." He said this just completely out of the blue.
Now, keep in mind that this was before pagers were even a thing, let alone cell phones. I also called his house number. I didn’t even know how to react to such an obvious and ridiculous lie as that. So I just said something like, "Uh-huh, okay." I then ended the conversation and immediately proceeded to tell all the other kids in the neighborhood about what had just happened.
34. The Fine Print
I walked by as my buddy was clicking “yes” on "Have you read the terms and conditions?" I called him out on that.
35. Evaluating the Evaluation
I was being evaluated for job performance by a boss who clearly had an ax to grind with me. Naturally, she wrote up an unflattering report. She was not impressed when I went to her supervisor and brought up the fact that she had never actually observed me on the job, that her report had changed three or four times before the final one had come out, and that she had contradicted her previous report from only three months prior in her final one. It was painfully clear to everyone that the eval was completely biased.
36. Sometimes It Doesn’t Take Much
Last night encountered two drunken girls attempting to lift a rock. They asked me to help them lift it. My response? "Sorry, I don't have any arms." I very clearly have arms.
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37. Won the Battle, Lost the War
I called my mom out for smoking while pregnant, and for continuing to do so while nursing. No one believed me. I got whooped, grounded, and ostracized by my whole family. Six years later, my parents were getting a divorce. My mom admits in court that she had smoked while she was pregnant and while she was nursing. I felt triumphant because I was vindicated. But really, as "triumphant" as that moment was, the whole incident really messed up my relationship with my family, and I've suffered a lot because of it.
38. Putting Himself In Your Shoes
I knew that I was hearing an obvious lie when a coworker started to tell me my own story and tried to pass it off as his own. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he then did the same thing with the same exact story a second time. That’s right, he did it twice. Like, dude, I think I can remember that this stuff happened to me and not you. I guess the guy forgot where he had heard the story from…
39. We All Scream for Ice Cream
My best friend’s favorite story is from when she was working at McDonald’s. She was on drive-thru duty and a guy came by complaining about some bad ice cream that he had purchased earlier. That's when everyone who worked there gathered around the window to watch. My friend casually let this person know that they haven't had a working ice cream machine at this location in over four months. Person had no reply.
40. Total Eclipse of the Art
Someone stole my art back in high school. They used it and paraded it around as their own, after they had asked me to draw them something for free—which I only did because I was 17 years old and stupid. They even tried to pass the piece that I drew for them off as their own at a school art exhibit. I was furious and mortified.
As soon as I saw the person, I confronted him in the hallway about it in front of dozens of people. All of my friends knew about my art style and would recognize it instantly, but these strangers obviously didn’t—so they were very intrigued by my accusations. I loudly said, "You're a talentless piece of trash, you freaking art thief. You stole my art! That picture was drawn by me, not you!"
The guy just stood there staring at me, saying nothing in response. His friends even left his side at that point, wanting to avoid any further embarrassment. He got called to the principal’s office and his parents got called in as well. He made a phone call to his parents while I sat in the office lobby, and I heard him apologize to his dad for having gotten into trouble.
I then got to listen and watch him as he attempted to explain what he had done to his parents. It was awesome. Screw that lying pile of garbage, he deserved the humiliation that he got!
41. Pickpocketed
When I was young, I had these tiny magnetic figures that I always loved to play with. One time, I was at a friend's house and I had just bought a new pair of them. When I was about to go home, I noticed that one was suddenly missing. I got very sad and asked my friend if he had seen it. He said no. But I knew that he had always been the liar type of guy, so I searched his pockets.
I found it right there in his back pocket. He started saying stuff like, "I didn't know it was there, it must have been my brother that took it!" I felt like an awesome detective afterward.
42. I Was the Patient the Whole Time
In the police report concerning my ex-boss. The nurse in charge said that, "I saw him crossing the parking place gingerly, but when he entered the ER, he contorted with pain. He claimed that he had a severe case of gallstone and that he needed opiates. I noticed him immediately since he had been with us several times before with the same symptoms." Oh, but there's more.
I know this because he tried to use my identity at the time. The trial will take place in August.
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43. I Know You Are, But What Am I?
A dude once tried to falsely accuse two of the kindest souls out there of forcing themselves onto a girl. So, I simply asked him “How do you know the details if you weren’t there?” He just stared at me blankly for a minute before saying “She (as in, the girl) told me.” He didn’t see her standing in the crowd and listening to all this, but I did. So, I just asked her, “Hey, is this true?”
She said no, it was not—and that, in reality, he (the accuser) was the one who had actually tried to force himself on her, while Nice Dude 1 and Nice Dude 2 were actually there to save her.
44. You Used to Call Me on My Cell Phone
My ex-husband: "No, I am not having an affair!"
Me: "Well then why do I have two hundred pages worth of IMs, texts, and emails with explicit content sent between you and this girl?"
Him: "I, uh, I was hacked!"
Me: "For 4 and a half years?"
Him: "Y...yes?"
Me: "How did the hackers get these 37 photos of you in the nude?"
Him: (and I kid you not, he really said this): "That's not me."
Spoiler: it was definitely him. It clearly showed his unique birthmark, his pasty fatness, and every other distinguishing feature about him. Nice try, hubby!
45. The Wearing of the Green
I was at a music festival that requires guests to wear a white bracelet, while the musicians are required to wear a green one. This random guy was trying to impress a female friend of mine. He was telling her that he’s a musician and that he’s playing a gig the next day and that she should come watch. He was using the musician thing to basically get her to like him.
I was there with her the whole time, listening to the guy. Finally, at the end of his long session of bragging and attempted flirting, I just bluntly asked him why he was wearing a general admission white bracelet instead of a green one. He was confused. I then explained to him how the bracelets worked.
My friend and I had a nice little chuckle while he awkwardly walked away.
46. The Diagnosis Doesn’t See Eye-to-Eye
Low vision clinic. Patient is a woman in her mid-30s. Visual acuity is no light perception (NLP) in both eyes. Patient claims loss of vision due to a seizure. While observing gait and her ability to navigate with her seeing eye dog, I notice that she is leading the dog. I guide her into the exam room, and she "miraculously" finds and sits in the exam chair with no difficulty. No ocular pathology and brain imaging normal.
Despite all this testing, a previous doctor years ago declared her legally blind, so she is able to receive disability benefits and a seeing eye dog.
47. He Would Have Found out Eventually Anyway...
My buddy was dating my roommate. They then broke up, which made things awkward for me. Well, after a few days, she suddenly went all crazy on him and told him that they needed to get back together right away because she was pregnant. A few days later, I started noticing that the stash of feminine products that my roommate always kept under the sink was mysteriously dwindling away. Upon hearing this news from me, I've never seen a more relieved person in my life. He called her out on it and they broke up again—this time for good.
48. This Isn’t My First Rodeo
When I was a med student, I took a history from a patient who wanted Ativan for anxiety. She told me about how her panic attacks were so bad that she gets into car accidents with casualties every week. I mean, a lot of patients will tell lies or play coy to get controlled substances, but she was the only one who admitted to multiple counts of vehicular manslaughter.
When I presented her case to my attending, she showed me a note in the EMR from another doctor stating this was a regular tactic of hers, as well as an extensive online list of every script different doctors had given her for controlled substances. She didn't get an Ativan prescription that day.
49. Sounds More Like Brain Freeze Than Freezer Burn
I had a customer once call up the store that I worked at and say that she had bought these ice cream sandwiches there the week before, only to get home and find that they were all freezer-burned. She was super aggressive and was angrily yelling at me, so I very politely asked her to please confirm which exact product she had bought so that we could take it from there.
She yelled the name of it at me. When I said the name back to her, she shouted “Yes, that one! That’s what I’ve been telling you this whole time, dummy!” So I just calmly said, “Ma’am, we discontinued that product over six months ago.” All of a sudden, she started to stutter a bit and then abruptly hung up. I was nineteen years old, it was the first job I had ever had, and that moment was SO SATISFYING.
50. Easy Come, Easy Go
I'm an ICU nurse and I was taking care of one lady who was a chronic pain patient. All she did all night was complain that she wasn't getting enough dilaudid and her already high dose of IV phenergran wasn't enough. It got to the point where she was hitting the call button every 15 mins. But when I went in to her room to check on her, I caught her.
She had her fingers down her throat trying to make herself puke so we would give her more medicine. Needless to say, it didn't work.
51. Cheaters Never Prosper
I knew my ex-wife was cheating but didn’t tell her that I knew. Took her out to dinner and I casually asked questions about who she had been spending time with while I was at sea, she barely worked so she had to spend her time doing something. She failed to mention the guy that had been staying at my house for nearly 2 months, the guy she had to call the cops on just to get to leave because I was coming home in two days...soooo I slid her a copy of the police report that was filed for the incident and watched as she crumbled over the fact she had been caught, and I didn’t have to say a word.
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52. Working Things Out
My friend once told me that getting a Peloton machine changed her life forever. She claimed that it had completely revolutionized her lifestyle and that she was now working out regularly thanks to it. But what she didn’t realize was that I had access to her statistics as a fellow user. I looked up her workout statistics and discovered that she had not been honest with me AT ALL…
Apparently, she had only used the machine a whopping total of four times in the more than five months that she had owned it for. Her husband fared a little better than that, having used it a total of nine times. I don't know why this annoyed me so much, but it did. The lie was so easy for me to check. Like, why would you think I would fall for that?
53. Family Values
My mother is a terrible person. And I don’t say that lightly. She has stolen medication from me after I had oral surgery. On two occasions (a decade apart from each other), she stole my identity and my sibling’s, opened several fraudulent credit card accounts in our names, maxed them out (tens of thousands of dollars), and never made a single payment.
She tells people that she’s a nurse when she barely even finished high school. She also often makes up extravagant and potentially damaging lies, all of which she believes she’ll never be caught for. Yes, she’s a terrible person, but my dad isn’t—so when my now-adult daughter was an adolescent, my mother was allowed to spend time with her.
A few years ago, I’d lost my job, was having trouble finding employment, and had to trade in my sports car for a Sedan so that I could drive rideshare to make ends meet. My mother told my daughter and several relatives that my car had been repossessed for nonpayment. It was upsetting, but I knew just what I had to do.
I took great satisfaction in clearing by name by showing the dealership papers to my daughter, my relatives, and yes, the shrewish, lying old jerk herself as well. The aftermath was both hilarious and sad, as she tends to have a vile temper.
54. Baby, You Can’t Drive My Car
In my job as a professional tax accountant, I am very frequently told all kinds of outlandish lies about how much money people make. People will go to great lengths to manipulate the appearance of how much they actually made over the past year. This happens all the time, and especially during tax season as you can probably imagine.
My favorite incident of all time involving a ridiculous and obvious lie was when this one client of mine told me that he was broke because he only made $35,000 a year, even though he was living in a very expensive part of New York City. He tried to use this to convince me that my very reasonable fee was too much for him to pay. But the kicker? During his consultations with me, he had asked me for my opinion on whether he could deduct the new BMW 5 series luxury car that he had just bought for his son.
He literally paid for the car in all cash. Not bad for someone who can barely afford a small tax accountant’s fee!
55. But Tell Us How You Really Feel
The most obvious lie that I’ve ever heard anyone tell came from my mom. I was eleven years old at the time. My foolish, childish self had just accidentally destroyed her favorite decorative vase by throwing my brother’s stuffed animals around the living room like a madman. Immediately after this incident, she uttered the lie: “I'm not mad.”
56. Letting The Cat Out Of The Bag
A few years ago, my little girl and I were shopping together at the local supermarket. To keep herself entertained while we were there, she started going up to various strangers and informing them that she was sad because our family cat had just passed. The only problem was that we didn’t own a cat, and we never did.
So, from my perspective at least, this was a pretty obvious lie…
57. A Long, Long List
I once dated a girl who was a pathological liar. I didn't know that this was actually a thing at the time. When my dad originally told me about the existence of this condition, I thought he was exaggerating. Ironically, I thought he might be lying. After leaving the relationship, though, I realized how ridiculous all of the constant lies were and how stupid I was for believing them.
Among the lies: One time, she called out of work because, according to her, she was on her parents’ boat out in the ocean and the boat ran out of gas, so they had to call a friend to rescue her and her family and tow them to shore. I found out later it was actually because she had spent the previous night at a party and was completely wasted.
Her most ridiculous lie? She claims that she met Donald Trump back in 2013 or so and that she had hung out with him and his associates in Atlantic City. They allegedly invited her and her friend to join them as they drove around Atlantic City visiting his casino, eating the best food in town, and drinking top-shelf drinks. She didn't have to pay for anything the entire night.
She got mono when we were dating, but I was fine. She said that it was "anxiety-induced mono" according to her doctor, which allegedly explained why I didn't have it. This was around the same time that she had told me that she met some guy at a party who was hitting on her, but she swore she didn't hook up with him. I believed her yet again. And then I found out a week later that she was lying.
This next part is actually true, though. She was previously engaged, but she called off the engagement at the last minute. She then went to the nearest pawnshop to pawn off her engagement ring and used the money to buy drinks for herself. She totaled three cars in her lifetime, but each time she was able to convince the insurance company that it wasn't her fault so that she would basically get a free car replacement each time.
58. An Inconvenient Throwback
Boyfriend finally convinces me to have a threesome after months of begging. I finally agree, and our mutual friend comes over. Things get hot and heavy, and when he starts being with her, he moans “Darn, you feel even better than usual!” Everyone freezes. He tries to tell me that he was thinking about me while being with her, and that it just felt differently, but she felt so guilty that she confessed on the spot and begged me to forgive her. We don’t really talk anymore, but last I heard she had been dating my ex for over a year.
59. A Good, Long Look At The Man In The Mirror
One time, I was picking up a sofa from this random guy’s house. I found him on Kijiji and I thought that the item was a good deal, so I agreed to buy it and pick it up from him. When I got there, this guy stopped me right before I was about to leave. He said he just wanted to ask if I might also be interested in buying a mirror that he was looking to get rid of as well.
I wasn't really interested in it, but my wife seemed keen. So we followed him into his hallway to check the thing out. He showed the mirror to us and said: "It was a gift from my son in law. It's a beautiful mid-century antique. Since you guys have been so nice to me, I'm willing to let it go for just seventy-five dollars if you’re interested."
I indicated that I didn’t think it was something that I would have any reason to want to buy. He responded by going on and on about what an amazing mirror it was. He even told me to "pick it up and feel how sturdy it is!" I decided to humor him and pick it up. It was really very heavy, actually, despite what he had just said.
That probably should have been the first red flag that I picked up on. As I was holding it up, I happened to take a peek at the back of it. That's when I had my "gotcha" moment. Very clearly still on it, I spotted a sticker from Value Village with a thirty dollar price tag. I kind of chuckled to myself and decided to have a bit of good old-fashioned fun with this little discovery of mine.
So I asked the guy if he would consider going any lower than seventy-five dollars with his price. He said: "I would if I could, but unfortunately I really can't afford to do that." I then responded with: "Well, I can see a tag from Value Village on the back here..." I’ve never seen a person’s facial expression change so drastically that fast.
We ended up getting the "mid-century antique" mirror for just fifteen dollars, and me and my wife still laugh to this day about the amazing deal we got on it.
60. You Make Me Feel So Young
Many years ago, back when I was in the fifth grade, a friend of my little group used to always try and convince us that he was friends with the band “Sublime.” He claimed that they used to hang out regularly. Among other outlandish stuff, he said that he was the person featured on the cover of their self-titled album.
He also claimed that he used to use substances with them and that he even tried an extremely expensive and dangerous substance on one occasion at one of their parties. Again, keep in mind, we were all freaking eleven years old at the time. He said all that stuff happened two years before he even moved to our school... when he would have literally been nine.
So yeah, a freaking nine-year-old did all this wild stuff with a world-famous band. That sounds fully believable and realistic, right? We constantly called him out on his lies, but he would just continue to lie and make up more ridiculous stuff out of thin air. He always found some way to cover up for whatever holes we were pointing out in the story.
We eventually stopped hanging out with him, because he was so clearly full of you know what.
61. A Very Dog-Matic Belief
The greatest and most obvious lie that I’ve ever heard someone tell was: “I swear, I did not feed your dog any human food!” This was uttered by my mom, while my dog was literally puking and pooping right in front of our eyes. He made a huge mess all over my house, yet my mom still would not take responsibility for it or admit the mistake that she had so obviously made.
62. Room And Bored
An ex-housemate of mine was by far the most chronic liar that I have ever met in my entire life! She was also a total nutjob in general. She routinely swiped my belongings whenever we were out. She swiped things from her workplace too. On one occasion, she even keyed my car.
But that’s probably a story for another time. Despite all her other ridiculous qualities, her lying alone deserves a whole slew of attention in its own right. Here are some of her most memorable lies, all from the short time that we were living together:
She claimed that her dad was the ex-CEO of the Commonwealth Bank of Australia. She claimed that she was having a steamy affair with one of the shift managers at the bar we worked at, despite the fact that he was very happily engaged to someone else. She claimed that the venue manager tried to physically take advantage of her and that the security guards from our work knew about it but kept it quiet at her request.
She once pointed at a wedding ad on a passing bus and said that the model in the picture was her. Of course, the bus was moving so fast that I couldn't see the model's face clearly. How convenient! Another time, there was a car accident in the area that tragically ended the lives of several local teenagers. Even that horrid moment wasn’t safe from her lies.
She inexplicably tried to claim that she had been with those kids in the car that night but got out of the vehicle just minutes before the accident took place. She also claimed that she could do a bond clean all by herself, i.e. the very elaborate clean that you have to do in order to get your rental deposit back. When she told us about this alleged talent, we asked her to use it to clean our place out for us.
Long story short, we had to go back and redo it, because she literally didn't do anything right. She also claimed that her dad was a terrible person and that he mistreated her and her sisters while they were growing up. I asked her sisters about this. They all claim that this was the farthest thing possible from the truth. And, to top it all off, she also claims that she had her license to be a shift manager at our workplace, but that she didn’t want to tell our boss about it.
Now, this license she was claiming to have was a pretty lucrative qualification that was required by law to work in the management positions at the type of venue we worked at. Everyone wanted to get that certification and the opportunities that come with it. Yet, despite claiming to have earned it, she insisted that she wanted to keep it a secret so that she wouldn’t get promoted. She apparently didn’t want that kind of additional responsibility.
Even after all this time, “Wow” is all I can say when I think about this long list of her outrageous claims.
63. Cat Scratch Fever, Or Not
When I saw that my neighbor had a noticeable new scratch on her arm, I asked about it. Her response was: "Oh, it’s nothing. The cat just scratched me." Confused, I immediately responded by saying: "You literally don't own a cat though." She shrugged and replied: "My fork fell onto my arms then, or something like that." Okay, then…
I’m not quite sure exactly who or what she was trying to cover up for, but she clearly had no interest in telling me the truth about how she got that scratch.
64. A Narrow Path Between Truth and Lies
Not a doctor, but I was an ER scribe. I would follow the doctors around with a laptop and do all of their electronic charting, ordering tests, note taking, and stuff like that. Had a patient, probably around 18-20-year-old male. Complaining of a foreign object in his…male organ. He had a set of iPhone headphones stuck right up in there.
And when I say stuck up there, I mean all the way to where the single cord splits in two for the two earbuds. Out of precaution we did an x-ray and sure enough, you could see the knotted-up cord in his lower abdomen, and it was going to require surgery to remove due to it being tangled. When he told us the "true" story, I was astounded.
He said that he was at a party with some friends and that when he got drunk and passed out, his friends shoved it up there as a joke. But this was a lie. The doctor I was working with had seen this guy for the same kind of thing not long ago. She recognized there was a bigger issue and convinced him to have an in-patient psych consult in the ER after surgery so they could get him the help he needed.
65. Calling It In
When I was working as a public defender, I once had an incredibly looney client. On the night before his trial, this looney client decided to call up his victim from the jail phone. He repeatedly referenced what he had done to her in an attempt to intimidate her. When I was trying to tell him how stupid this was to have done, he gave me the stupidest excuse. He deserved to go to jail after that.
He claimed that he didn’t want to make that call, but he had been watching a movie on the cell block communal TV and someone changed the channel, which apparently drove him out of his senses and made him lose control of his actions. Sounds perfectly believable and legit, right? That idiot is now doing 28 years behind bars…
66. Sounds Like Someone Has Bigger Fish To Fry
Back when I was only sixteen years old, I used to have a huge crush on one of my coworkers at my first job. He liked me back, too. I thought things were going pretty well between us until I asked him if he wanted to go out on our shared day off. He agreed at first, but then canceled on the day of and told me that it was because he needed to take care of his fish.
I thought it sounded suspicious. When I told a few of my friends about the excuse, they told me not to trust this guy. They knew him personally as well and they warned me that he was notorious for being a pathological liar. I was really upset, and I went on and on ranting to my friends about how rude it was of him to not even bother to come up with a believable lie to give me.
Now here comes the plot twist. A few of those friends that I had vented to were all hanging out and they decided to go to Walmart later that day. While they were there, they ran into my crush. And guess what he was doing—buying food and supplies for his fish. He walked over and told them all how excited he was about getting the new fish, too.
So, either he saw them coming and quickly scrambled to make it look like his story had been true, or he was actually telling the truth all along. Either way, I kind of felt like the biggest jerk in the world when I heard that.
67. Caught Red-Handed
One time, back in seventh grade gym class, I had to use the restroom. I went to use the one in the locker room. There was a kid at one of the lockers near mine digging through some stuff, but I didn’t think that much of it. On the way out, he was gone. I got a bad feeling about it, so I went to my locker to check on my stuff. A wave of anxiety suddenly rushed through my entire body.
My wallet, which had contained $17 in it, was now gone. The snacks that I had packed myself for lunch were also gone. I walked back out of the locker room and the dude was sitting on the bleachers, eating the snacks. I confronted him and accused him of swiping my money. He had the nerve to deny it while still literally eating my Pringles.
The teacher just said: “Nothing we can do, there are no cameras in there.” How pathetic!
68. Come Fly With Me
"I feel good enough to work today" was the biggest lie that I have ever uttered in my entire life, and by far the most dangerous one. For flight training, any time that you fly, you have to sign off beforehand confirming that you are both physically and mentally fit to fly. This means that have eaten in the past six hours and means have had a ten-hour rest period that included at least six to eight hours of sleep within the past sixteen hours.
People lie about this all the time and fly anyway despite the risks. And, as much as I hate to admit it, you can count me as one of those people.
69. Library Drama
The college administration has decimated other departments, but when it comes to our department, they’re “just” laying off a few staff. Not part-time librarians, they assured me. I had been working there for nearly thirteen years at that point. Within a month of this conversation, both of us were gone. I got rehired about five months later, but at reduced pay.
It’s been two and a half years that I’ve been back now, and agreeing to return was probably the worst decision that I ever made. But at the age of 50 with a serious mood disorder, I don’t have a lot of other options.
70. But All the Cool Kids Are Wearing Them!
I’m a medical assistant. Had this teenage girl, probably 16, come in saying that her wrist was broken. Her mom was behind her rolling her eyes after every time she would tell me how bad it hurt. She then proceeded to “flop it” in an attempt to show me how bad it hurt when she did that. She said it was clearly broken and she would need a cast.
I said I would take her back and let the doctor do some X-rays and do their thing. Then the mother asked to talk to me outside of the room and dropped a bombshell. She told me her daughter’s friend recently got a cast, and her daughter was notorious for being overly jealous. I just responded by saying that if there was anything wrong, it would show up in the X-ray.
Guess what? She didn’t get a cast and threw a fit. Last I saw her, she was crying and throwing a temper tantrum outside of the waiting room. Her poor embarrassed mom had to drag her out.
71. Sleeping Beauty
EMS here. I had a patient who pretended to suddenly be paralyzed. Very dramatic, on the floor, saying she couldn't feel anything below her neck. After assessing her, we had her stand and get on to the stretcher. Which she did without difficulty. Despite being "totally paralyzed.” In the ambulance, she told me how she "sometimes goes code blue" and said that if that happens I must NOT rub her chest or cause her pain.
The best way to revive her was to turn the lights low and talk softly and soothingly to her. She told me all about how she "went code blue" in the hospital over a dozen times last time she was admitted, and how the doctors were so scared they almost couldn't revive her. During transport, I asked her for her birth date. Instead of responding, she did something ridiculous.
Her eyes fluttered shut and she went quiet. We drove in silence for several minutes while I worked on documenting the very detailed and unrealistic story she told me. Eventually, her eyes fluttered open and her hand went to her chest. She says "Oh! I think I went code blue there for a minute!" I replied, "Nope! No worries, you didn't!"
I continued, "You're totally fine and your vitals were pristine! You don't have to worry, you're safe! So, what's your birth date?" She looked super annoyed.
72. Putting His Game Face On
I used to frequently play the board game “Dungeons & Dragons” with a confirmed pathological liar. As a side note, this guy had the most incredible luck that I have ever seen with twenty rolls! But anyway, I digress. This guy literally lied about practically every single thing that you can possibly imagine. Nothing was off limits or too outrageous for him to try and claim.
Another thing about this guy was that he always tried to act like a macho tough guy who had survived all kinds of serious scraps and such. One time, unprompted, he said under his breath, but obviously wanting us to hear, "I've got to get this shrapnel out of me." The rest of us all just kind of looked at each other in disbelief, and were just like, "Sure man, whatever you need to do."
But that wasn't even the worst lie he told us. We were taking a break from the game and several of us had just stepped away from the table for a moment. For a brief time, it was just me, him, and maybe one other person sitting at the table. The guy pulled out his phone and did that thing like in the movies where you don't say "Hi" or anything.
He just said something like "Talk to me," as if he was some kind of busy and important CEO that people were always rushing to try and catch on the phone. He proceeded to very obviously pretend to have a brief conversation with some imaginary friend of his. Just as the others were returning to the room, he ended his fake call with "I'm on it" or something like that, and then he hung up.
73. When The Boss Is Away, The Employees Will Play
An employee at work once told me to my face during a meeting that I didn’t need to look over his task because my supervisor had already checked it over. I thought this was weird, considering that my supervisor had been off all week and left me in charge. He acted shocked when I pointed this out; like he didn’t realize I was aware of that. I’m sorry, did a ghost check your work? He didn’t think his story through at all.
74. Take Her at Her Word
I had a patient lie to me that she was abducted and assaulted after a foray with someone she met. She also said the police who came over to the house neglected her. However, she has a brain injury from suffering meningitis as a toddler, so unfortunately, compulsive lying is part of her chronic condition, so the family and I could not get too pissed off at her.
Eventually, she admitted to lying so we at least avoided filing complaints against the police department and filing criminal charges against her "abductor." Mind you, considering her developmental delay, him taking her home to have intimate time with her was still wildly inappropriate.
75. Wear It As A Badge Of Honor
An employee of mine once took a half day off of work so that he could attend a parent-teacher conference for his kid in the afternoon. He was supposed to work the morning shift, but he called in at the last minute and said that it had all been bumped up and that he could no longer come in for his scheduled shift in the morning.
Then, he kept calling back over and over again every half hour or so, each time claiming that the meeting was getting further delayed. This pattern went on all day, until he finally showed up at around 4:00 in the afternoon. He insisted that the school had now bumped his appointment up to 10:00 am the next day.
The kicker in all of this? While he was telling me about this, he had apparently forgotten that he was wearing a visitor's badge sticker from the school on his shirt that clearly said: "Checked in at 2:00 pm."
76. Grandma, What Sharp Lies You Have
My step-grandmother, a woman with Munchausen’s, has been hanging out at hospitals and doctors’ offices for decades. I don't know how she manages to convince every doctor that she is sick. She's 98 years old, strong, and all of the health issues she has had in the last 20 years, despite her old age, are things she inflicts on herself. It's chilling, but it's true.
I'm not convinced that doctors always know when it's being faked, because whenever we—her family—try to intervene, the doctor is already convinced that she needs treatment and moves forward, no matter how much we insist that she is not sick. She convinced a doctor she had leukemia. She has NO written diagnosis of leukemia. She kept that one up for 10 years. By "kept that one up," I mean she received chemo, had cancer medication, everything—with no diagnosis.
Unless every doctor in my city is book smart and not street-smart, then I just don't know. I refuse to believe that every doctor is an idiot, but I also don't think they know everything if she can literally fall though all of the cracks.
77. Fire And Fury
My supervisor was pretty annoyed with my crew on one occasion after we’d had some issues. She promised that no one would get in trouble if I told her the truth, so I explained to her who was responsible for the mixup. She immediately said: "Excuse me for a minute, I have to go to the bathroom." In reality, it was very obvious that she had gone to unleash her anger on my other coworker.
She should have taken them farther away if she wanted me to believe her lie, because I could clearly hear her yelling from where I was. So stupid!
78. A Banquet Fit For A King
Back when I was a high school student, a classmate of mine once came up to me and told me that he makes over twenty dollars an hour working part-time as a banquet server. I had done the exact same job at the exact same place and made only $6.30 an hour. I told him he was straight up lying to me, but he was adamant that he wasn't.
I told him to bring me one of his pay stubs to prove that he really made that much, and he simply said: "I don't have one." How convenient! This guy just regularly lied about all kinds of stuff, but this was the first one that I actually made a point to remember. It was just too ridiculous to forget. I'll never understand compulsive liars.
For crying out loud, I’m pretty sure even our manager wasn't making twenty dollars an hour at that job!
79. I Was the Patient the Whole Time
In the police report concerning my ex-boss. The nurse in charge said that, "I saw him crossing the parking place gingerly, but when he entered the ER, he contorted with pain. He claimed that he had a severe case of gallstone and that he needed opiates. I noticed him immediately since he had been with us several times before with the same symptoms." Oh, but there's more.
I know this because he tried to use my identity at the time. The trial will take place in August.
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80. Intentions as See-Through as Her X-Ray
Cath lab specialist. In my training for rad tech school, I went to pick up a patient in the ED for a foot x-ray. She literally came to the ER because she stubbed her toe. Here's the thing: if you break any of your toes except for the hallux, there's no treatment—no case, no surgery. So, she's getting an x-ray pretty much for no reason because it's extremely difficult to break your first toe.
Anyway, as I approach her room, I can see her on her bed reading her phone. She's quiet. When she sees me, she puts her phone down and starts to moan, whimper and hold her foot. "I'm certain that it's broken." Yeah yeah yeah. I check her ID and introduce myself and explain that I'm ready to wheel her back (yes wheel, she wouldn't walk) for her x-rays.
"Oh no. I'm not going anywhere until I get drugs for this pain." I told her, to her horror, that I would let her nurse know so that he/she could get the order from the doc and get her meds. When she realized I couldn't give her any drugs and that she'd have to wait longer for her x-rays, she suddenly decided that she could go after all. "I'll just get the drugs after." Okay. And guess what, nothing was broken.
81. All My Friends Are Here and We’ve Seen the Movies
I'm a therapist, but I also diagnose some clients. I had a woman in my office claiming she had multiple personalities. This is kind of a sticky diagnosis to begin with, but she claimed that she could talk to different personalities and then bring them out if she needed to. At first, I was open to believing her and exploring what this meant. Then it went off the rails.
Soon after, she introduced me to her girlfriend—who also had multiple personalities. Which they then started naming. Most of them were based on candy or Disney princesses. Notably the bad one was called The Beast. I actually asked her if she had seen the movie Split during our session. She said it was a coincidence.
82. Scarred For Life
A waitress that I used to work with once said: “When I was a teenager, I got pregnant. The father didn’t want me to keep the baby, so he cut it out of me with a pocket knife. He didn’t get in trouble because he was the fire chief's son. There isn’t a scar on my body because I got surgery to hide it.” Yeah, okay. I’ll buy that one!
83. Carrying Your Lucky Rabbit’s Foot
Back when I was only three years old, I once told this lie to my mom and thought that she would definitely buy it. I was coloring on the walls in the hallway with my bunny stuffed animal in my hand. I wasn’t much of a rule-breaker, so this one really stuck out to my mom. My mom came into the hallway and shouted: “What did you do?!”
I looked down at my bunny and immediately came up with my reply. “Bunny did that!” Mom, without missing a beat, replied: “Well then, please tell Bunny that he shouldn’t do that anymore because now we will have to repaint the wall and that’s not nice.” In full seriousness, I looked down at Bunny and said: “Bunny, you really can’t do that! That’s not nice.”
Meanwhile, I still had the markers in my other hand this whole time…
84. Old MacDonald Had A Farm
One time, back when I was a teenager, my mom innocently opened the door to my bedroom closet and unwittingly stumbled upon my secret herb farm. She confronted me about it and asked: "What is this?" Panicking, I replied: "Uhhhhhh, I’m growing some tomatoes?" I froze on the spot, waiting anxiously for her reaction.
Her response was something to the effect of: "Right… Well, be careful with those lamps." She never asked about my tomatoes again. I never did find out what she had actually been looking for when she initially opened my closet. But I think it was safe to assume that she wouldn’t be opening that door again any time soon.
85. Oh, How I Hate To Get Up In The Morning
I met someone who told me that he drank too much one night while he was out partying with his friends. He claims that he had an alcohol overdose and temporarily passed into the afterlife. While he was briefly deceased, his intoxicated friends apparently threw him under a bed where his body was left to rot for a full three days before he finally came back to life and went on with his day as if nothing had ever happened.
He assured me that if I didn't believe him, I could ask his friends to confirm the account. Sadly, I haven't seen him again since…
86. Medicine Is Like Comedy: It’s About Timing
Doc: Do you need to refill your meds? Patient: Nope, still taking them. I am asking because I know based off of my prescription that it is time for you to get more. If you don't need more it means you aren't taking them.
87. The Real Cancer Is Your Lies
I knew a guy who said that he had thyroid cancer, which later spread to lung cancer, then later spread to "unknown" cancer. His radiation treatment made him radioactive, so he had to spend nearly every day at his camper (it was over the summer, so he had a camper at a camping site), while his wife stayed home with his five children. It gets so much worse.
He had these mysterious "special treatments" in Chicago, so he needed money from his family to go to Cancer Center of America for the treatments. No one was allowed inside with him due to "top level" security, so if anyone went to Chicago with him, they had to stay at the hotel all day while he was gone. He also got money from fundraisers through his church for vacations with his wife.
He was granted extra vacation at work, burned through it, burned through his FMLA, and eventually quit his job. Because he was so sick and couldn't work, other people started paying his bills. When asked by one of the friends to prove that he has cancer and was in treatment, he said he couldn't get access to his medical records because he is taking an "experimental special treatment."
When asked for the name of the clinic, he named a very small private practice clinic in a town of about 1,000 people (it is not an oncology clinic). He said that the cancer technician there gives him the treatments, but he couldn't reveal the name of the medications due to security reasons. He also said he could not give the name of the doctor due to security reasons.
It went on like this for over a year. Finally, he declared one day that he was cured. A party was thrown in his honor. Money poured in to pay his remaining medical expenses (no bills were ever produced as evidence). Not a single person ever attended a medical appointment with him. No proof was ever seen (no bottles of medicine, etc.). His physical appearance never changed. It was insane.
88. Just A Bit Of Horsing Around
My co-worker once tried to convince me that centaurs exist. You know, those weird mythical creatures that look like a hybrid between a human and a horse? Yeah, she seriously tried to claim that those things are out there wandering around somewhere in the real world. She said they lived in a gated community in Hollywood and did all the horse stunts for movies.
Did we know that this was an obvious lie? Yes. But did she ever admit that it was? No, and I admire that about her. She always sticks to her story no matter what. Gotta respect the resilience, no matter who it’s coming from.
89. Gnome Is Where The Heart Is
For some reason, my young son takes every possible opportunity that he can to get naked. It’s a struggle to get him to even wear underpants half the time. One time, we found him sitting around naked in the living room. So, naturally, we asked him where his pants had gone. His answer? Bees. According to his story, bees came in through the window and ate his pants.
That lying little weasel! Everyone knows that it's gnomes who eat people’s pants!
90. School’s out
My mom was an ER doc. A scruffy guy, mid-50s, comes in looking for nonspecific help. Confused, smelly, dressed in ragged mismatched thrift store suit. He was clearly homeless and just looking for a bed. Keeps muttering something about quantum, obviously a little off his rocker. My mom decides she might as well give him a workup and teach the residents. Turns out the guy's in near-total renal failure, so they give him dialysis.
When he comes to, everyone's jaws dropped. Suddenly he was coherent. Suddenly he was sane. Suddenly talking about real actual quantum physics. Turns out he's a math professor. Some organ problem sent him into a mental tailspin on his way to a conference a month earlier, got off a train in the wrong city, he'd been wandering the streets ever since, missing and presumed dead.
They're not always faking.
91. There’s No Defense For Stupidity
Back in the early '90s, I was at work one day making my five dollars an hour, when all of a sudden a co-worker of mine looked me straight in the eye and started speaking. He informed me that, apparently, he had just purchased a real, live, surface-to-air missile from the Chinese military and that he was keeping it secretly stored at his mom’s house in a different city so that no one would find out and catch him.
Like, what the heck dude? That story is not even remotely close to believable…
92. When Size Does Matter
I'm a plus size girl, and very noticeably so. One time, I walked into my boyfriend's bedroom to find a butterfly thong lying on the floor. It was a small size that would clearly never have fit me. When I confronted him about it, this dude had the audacity to look at me and say "Oh, uh, those aren't yours?" I actually started laughing out loud. No, genius, they most certainly are not…
93. Playing Ball
I once worked with a guy who was a compulsive liar. After working with several people like this over the years, I have come to understand that it is a very odd, yet very real, personality trait for some folks. This one guy was a New York Jets fan, as I also am. I asked him one day when the Jets were good if he had seen the playoff game the night before. This is where it gets interesting.
He told me that he was at the game. I know for a fact that he could not have been at the game because he was at work with me at kickoff.
94. An Experimental Treatment
I had a friend in college who was a serial liar. He just frequently said all kinds of crazy things. This habit must have satisfied some weird psychological need of his because I can’t think of any other reason why an otherwise normal person would have acted like this all the time. Most of the lies were harmless enough; just very obviously untrue.
For example, on one occasion, he told me that he had apparently developed a theory in his spare time about how to bend light passing through the air. He also claimed that he had pitched the idea to someone at the school’s physics department. They allegedly set up an experiment for him and proved his theory to be true in the process.
He was a general studies major. I kept pressing him for details like “Well, which professor was it?” and “What did the experiment consist of?” Every time I would start digging a bit deeper into the things he was telling me, he would immediately pivot to something else and change the subject. Nice guy, but I’ll never understand what the deal was with him.
95. The Most Interesting Man In The World
I once worked with a habitual liar. Apparently, he owned a stake in a diamond mine, had met Nelson Mandela, had water skied the entire coast of South Africa barefoot, and could keep his eyes open when sneezing. But the very best was that he had shaped a lens by hand for a school project that was later sold to NASA, who then used it in a telescope.
96. Keep Calm, And Lie On
I was friends with a compulsive liar in the past. The lies started with him claiming to have multiple personality disorder as a result of trauma from being kidnapped as a kid. I gave him the benefit of the doubt on that claim because, hey, that could actually be true. Also, I got to see his “other personalities” in action and they seemed totally legit at first.
But then his lying quickly spiralled out of control. Eventually, he was claiming to have been used in a cult’s blood ritual or some ridiculous thing like that. He also claimed to have held a dying kid in his arms as he was passing from this world. Mysteriously, the story of the kid’s passing seemed to magically change in some pretty big ways each and every time he told the story.
At one point, he claimed that he had to run away from home when he was a kid because his brother had tried to take his life. Also, we could always snap him out of his alleged “fainting spells” by mentioning the name of his favorite anime cartoon character. Kudos to him, though. Over time, he got a lot better.
He was eventually diagnosed with some bad heart conditions, which forced him to get the help he actually needed. This helped him start to chill out a lot, but at that point we weren’t really friends anymore.
97. Give Me Some Sugar
In college, my roommate (who I wasn't particularly close to) showed up in our room stumbling around drunk. There had been a home football game, so I didn't think anything of it. An hour later she's acting dangerously drunk, but insisted that she didn't have anything to drink, so I decide to take her to the ER.
Turns out she's diabetic and didn't think that was an important detail to mention to the doctors at any point in the three hours we sat there. The doctor only realized it when her blood tests came back, although she admitted that she's known for years and took daily insulin shots (that she also never told them about). Honestly...
98. Everything But The Kitchen Sink
One time, my little brother mixed like fifty condiments together. The mixture included things like sprinkles, ketchup, cereal, and a whole bunch of other random stuff. When it was all mixed together, he dumped it into a bag of popcorn and ate it. I have no idea what his goal was in doing this. Maybe he was trying to be funny or something.
Either way, the product definitely did not look like something that any normal or sane person would ever want to taste. Nevertheless, he tried to keep a straight face while telling us that his little snack was delicious. While he was saying this, his face looked like he had just eaten ten extremely sour Warheads all at once. He later admitted that he just wanted to try and get us to eat it, but we never did.
Nice try, bro! Better luck next time!
99. His Condition Comes And Goes
I used to have a boyfriend back in high school who would do all kinds of weird stuff for attention. That often included making up ridiculous and obviously false stories. I remember one time, our friend's parents were driving us home after a music festival and we were sitting in the back seat of their car. He leaned in towards me and dramatically whispered in my ear: "Help me!"
He then promptly dropped his head back pretending to pass out. I pretended I didn't hear it. After about ten seconds, he realized that I was ignoring him. So, he sat back up and tried again, just a tiny bit louder this time. He dropped his head back down again when he thought I was looking in his direction. A couple of minutes after, we reached our destination.
Miraculously, he was suddenly in tip-top shape and fully able to get out of the car. He hopped out and started acting as though he did not just try to put on some wild "He must be saved!" act, because he clearly thought that I didn't hear him. This experience confirmed for me that he really was as full of you know what as I had always suspected. We broke up very soon after this incident.
100. The Bald Truth
I work as a nurse in the ER. A woman with a shaved head came in telling us she had leukemia and was in serious pain. She kept saying that she needed painkillers. There was one enormous problem. There were no records indicating she even had cancer, and when we did a complete blood count it showed that she was in fact healthy. After that, we discharged her and notified the police.
