Karens are on the loose, wreaking havoc left, right, and center. Luckily, with karma hot on their heels, none of them are safe from the sweet burn of justice.
1. Can’t Keep Up
During an insanely busy weekend before Christmas, a Karen was complaining to every associate about how messy our store was. The manager had relieved the girl at the fitting room and was helping to hang up the clothes. Karen pulled her stunt and was trying to make a point that we were messy and a horrible place to shop.
The manager’s response was legendary. She told her, "Ma'am, we're messy at the moment because we're a popular store. And the biggest reason is because of women like you who can't be bothered to pick up after themselves. It's not the associates making the mess. Your type has us outnumbered." That’s when I witnessed someone deflate.
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2. A Hair-Raising Tale
Way back in the day, when I worked in the food service industry, we once had a customer who got a salad and, when she was just about finished eating it, she intentionally placed one of her hairs in the bowl in order to try and get it refunded. Instead, she got the complimentary “I’m sorry” free bakery item to make up for it. This happened several times, and eventually, it got to the point where she was doing this every single day.
Finally, the store manager sat down at her table and told her this was her last day eating in the cafe, and that they would refuse her refund today and refuse her service in the future. She started to say something about the customer always being right—but he already had a brutal reply ready for her. He just put up a hand to cut her off. He said “You cause us to lose money every day. You’re absolutely not our customer. You are a liability, and you are no longer welcome here.”
Unfortunately, this confrontation took embarrassingly long to get to. I worked in training support and the issue came to light during an associate-level customer service class. They had been rolling with it for at least a few weeks, hoping she would just stop at some point on her own. I’m not sure if the managers all knew what was going on, but I called their GM and DM after class and it was taken care of between the two of them by the end of that week.
3. Minding Other People’s Business
An older woman at my table once asked me what my mother must think about all my tattoos, and I said, “Well, my father doesn’t mind.” She didn’t take the hint. I guess it wasn’t a very good hint for someone as slow as her. She then asked “Well, what about your mother?” To which I replied: “She’s dead. She doesn’t do a lot of thinking these days.”
Did she stop there? Nope. That would be too logical for someone as dumb as this moron. She then had the gall to say to me: “Did she die of SHAME?” I just calmly said: “Nope. Breast cancer.” I then dropped the check and walked away. They weren’t done eating, but her guests looked like they wanted to leave right then and there.
4. Is The Cup Half Empty, Or Half Full?
I was once a witness to a silent owning that I still get giddy just thinking of. A buddy of mine was serving a table and the kid at the table was around eight or maybe ten years old. He gives her an adult glass for her apple juice. The dad pipes up and says he doesn’t want her to have all that sugar, so he needed to take it away and come back with a kid-sized one.
My friend replied that the glasses are all the same size, the adult size just looks bigger because they have thick bottoms. The dad responds that “the adult glass is clearly bigger and LIKE I SAID I don’t want her to have all that sugar.” My buddy is a jerk. He gives a super deliberate exaggerated nod, says nothing, and marches to our little service alley behind the bar.
That’s when he put his plan into motion. A few moments later, he re-emerges with a kids’ cup, sets it down beside the glass, picks up the glass, and pours the adult glass into the new one, lifting it progressively higher and higher until the last drop drips down into the glass, perfectly fitting into the kid-sized cup. He then darts the heck off to the kitchen without even looking at the guy, like he didn’t even exist. I exploded with laughter.
5. A Taste Of Her Own Medicine
When my boyfriend was 14, he was living with his mom and sister on a housing estate. It was summer and he liked a bit of light in his upstairs bedroom, so he left the curtains open at all times. That included when he was getting dressed and after having a shower, so if you purposefully stared at his window, you could see him from his waist up (and only his waist up).
Well, their neighbor did not like that one bit. She went pounding on their door, yelling at my mother-in-law that her son was a disgrace, hanging around always naked and exposing himself to her daughter. My mother-in-law told her he had every right to do whatever he wanted in his bedroom, and that if they didn't want to see him all they needed to do was not to look.
A couple of days went by and lo and behold, the authorities showed up at the neighbor’s door. Turned out the neighbor had been filming and taking pictures of my boyfriend to show to the housing people as evidence of his wrongdoing to get them kicked out. Except that the housing office called the authorities on her for taking pictures and videos of an underage kid and kicked her and her family out.
Public Domain Pictures
6. Planning For The Future
This happened not to me, but to my manager. At the store where I work, this one woman comes in every Sunday, without exception. And also without exception, she complains every Sunday. It really doesn’t matter what’s going on in the store or what she’s looking for. She’ll always find something to whine about. So this past time, she said, “I won’t be coming back.”
And my manager goes, “Alright, I’ll see you next week!”
7. Like Taking Candy From A Baby
This happened about an hour ago. I was grocery shopping and decided to pick up a few bars of chocolates, which is when I heard the ear-piercing scream of what can only be an entitled kid. He looked like he was somewhere between five and six years of age. He began to violently pull on his mother's arm, pointing at my chocolate bars and yelling at her to buy him some.
Then the mom says to me, “Did you have to pick that up in front of him?” Me: Ummm...What??? Mom: Can't you see it’s upsetting my child? Me: Well, that's a you problem. Mom: (In between trying to get her demon spawn to act like a human being) You need to put them back. My son only started demanding chocolates when he saw you take them. Just put them back. Now! You can get some later. You shouldn't make kids jealous!
I just smiled at her and approached the chocolate shelves. But instead of putting them back, I actually took a few more. It earned me a glare from her and earned her another round of tantrums from the kid. Petty? Yes. Satisfying? Heck yes!
8. Language Barrier
This was the funniest customer service retaliation I’ve ever seen in all my years working in retail. This lady was being unnecessarily rude to our gay cashier, and at one point she replied to something he said with: “Sorry, I don't speak gay.” Without missing a beat, the cashier responded with: “Well, don’t worry, because I’m fluent in idiot.”
9. Making A Snap Decision
This was not at a restaurant or a retail store, but at a visitor information desk at my university. We were having our Education Week event, where parents from all over the country were exploring the programs our school had to offer. At one point, a lady rudely walked up to the information desk, snapped her fingers in the face of the student employee, and blurted out: “Tell me where the Marriott Center is.”
The student employee snapped his fingers right back, and said: “Try again.”
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10. Getting The Vapors
I’m a cocktail waitress, and I’m also seven months pregnant. Now, obviously, I don’t drink while pregnant or drink on the job ever. A woman, the Karen, comes in with what I’m assuming was her husband and son and daughter and asks to be seated for lunch. We’re not really a restaurant, but we do have a small appetizer menu with sandwiches and wings and stuff.
I give them menus and Karen says, “But, wait, do you work here?” “Yep.” “But you’re pregnant, you can’t work here if you’re pregnant.” “I work here, I don’t drink here,” I say with a laugh, trying to keep the mood light. The woman looks me over and says, “Have you taken any prenatal courses? Do you really think that’s responsible to have your unborn baby in here?” This is where I made an error.
I get defensive about anyone asserting I’m a bad mother, obviously. So I said, “Well, you’ve brought your kids in here.” “Yes, and what kind of example do you think you’re setting for them?” I’m still collecting my thoughts at this point when they grunt and wave me away. I figure I can kiss my tip goodbye but hopefully that’ll be the end of the discussion.
I see them flagging down the bartender after a few minutes and figure they’re ready, so I go over. Karen asks to speak to a manager. Now, they haven’t even gotten drinks yet, so nothing about my abilities could really be wrong yet. I just ask if there’s anything I can help them with, and her husband (Mr. Karen) says really sternly, “No, just a manager, didn’t you hear my wife?”
The place is too small for a manager, it’s just servers and bartenders and two co-owners. The one who’s working is in the back on a phone call and will be MAD if I go and bother her. I realize they’re probably still uncomfortable with my being pregnant so say, “Maybe Ella (The only other server) can help?” But Karen just gets up to physically look for the manager.
I admit defeat and go back to drag her off her call. The owner tried not to let on how mad she is about being disrupted and goes over with a big smile to ask if there’s anything she can help them with. Karen informs her, as though it’s urgent breaking news, “Your server is pregnant.” The owner says she’s aware and asks if they’d prefer a different server.
Karen: No no no, she can’t be a drink girl if she’s pregnant. Owner: I assure you, none of our employees drink on the clock. Especially not our pregnant ones. If you’d prefer I can have Ella serve you...Mr. Karen: I don’t want my kids seeing this! Owner: Maybe I’m missing something. Seeing what, exactly? Mr. Karen (talking really slowly and condescendingly): A. pregnant. woman. around. all. this. alcohol.
Me: I don’t know what you’re insinuating, but I would never drink during pregnancy. Then the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard comes out. Karen: Look honey, didn’t you take a health class in junior high? With a drink right under you half the time, vapor is absorbed into your blood through the air and then that blood goes to the fetus and poisons it.
The owner and I exchange a look and realize we won’t get anywhere with her. Owner: So, we can have Ella serve you, or I’m afraid there’s not much else we can do. Mr. Karen: We’re not leaving until she’s placed on maternity leave. Or better yet, fired! Owner: We can’t help you. Mr. Karen: I’ll call the authorities! You’re an accomplice to child endangerment!
Owner: There is no child endangerment to speak of sir, please leave. Karen (getting crocodile teary): YOU MAY NOT THINK A FETUS IS A CHILD BUT I WAS TAUGHT TO BELIEVE LIFE BEGINS AT CONCEPTION AND I WILL STAND UP FOR ALL LIVING THINGS BIG AND SMALL BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT MY LORD AND SAVIOR WANTS ME TO DO! The entire time she’s delivering this tearful speech she’s looking around expecting others to, I don’t know, join in with her? Applaud?
Owner: You’re disturbing my customers and if you don’t leave you’re trespassing and I’ll have to escalate this, which I really don’t want to do. Karen: JESUS IS LOVE AND JESUS SAID THIS IS NOT OKAY. JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK IT’S OKAY TO HARM A CHILD IF IT’S SMALL ENOUGH—This is an Irish pub and the owners are devout Catholics, but she wasn’t having any of this. Owner: HEY. I don’t need anyone to tell me what Jesus said. I need you to please leave.
Mr. Karen: I’m calling the authorities. Owner: You do that. We just stop trying to service their table. As we all wait for the officers to arrive, Karen keeps trying to give her sermon, but there was a game on that people had come to watch and eventually everyone yelled at her until she piped down. Enter Officer 1 and Officer 2.
Officer 1: We received a call. Is there a Mr. Karen in here somewhere? Mr. Karen: Right here officers! Officer 1: You said you were witnessing child endangerment—are the parties involved still in the bar? They point me out. I pretend not to notice because I’m worried the officers will take them outside and I won’t be able to watch any more fireworks.
Officer 2: So what exactly was going on? Karen: That woman was drinking! She’s pregnant, you can plainly see she’s very pregnant. Before I can go over and tell them she’s lying about my drinking, the officers look at each other and look back at the Karen family. Officer 2: That’s not against the law. Karen: WHAT?!?!!!!!??! Mr. Karen: Look here—
Officer 1: It’s definitely not recommended, but it isn’t against the law. Now, do you know the woman, is she a friend of yours? Family? Karen: She works here. In a bar. And she’s pregnant! Mr. Karen: I want to see this place’s license revoked. Officer 2: So, listen, she isn’t doing anything wrong. What I can do is talk to her, but we can’t take any action beyond that. Is there anything else you observed that you’d like to report?
So the second officer comes over to me and takes me to a quiet spot while the first is getting their personal information and taking the rest of the statement. Karen is crying again and I assume bemoaning being the last bastion of good Christian morality in this bar. Officer 2 introduces himself and congratulates me on the pregnancy and says I probably overheard why they were called.
He starts to offer me some public resources for new mothers, parenting classes, etc. I didn’t want to interrupt him, so was waiting for the right moment to interject with my plea of innocence. That’s when other patrons come over, thinking I’m in trouble and start defending me. We have plenty of regulars who know me and they would not let this stand.
Some even complained to the officers that the owner had asked the Karen party to leave and they’d continued to make a scene. So both the officers go talk to the owner, who said she was just about to call them herself on account of the trespassing, but sirens outside are bad for business and she was hoping the Karens would eventually leave on their own.
The officers tell the Karen party they need to leave. Mr. Karen: This is a public place. I have every right to be here if I want! Officer 1: No sir, this is a private business, and the business owners have asked you to leave. It sounds like more than once, but at least once since we’ve been here. Karen: THIS IS A DISGRACE. THIS IS AN AFFRONT TO...TO...TO SCRIPTURE AND CHILD SAFETY AND—
Officer 2: I understand you’re upset. Let’s talk about it outside. (He places a hand on Mr. Karen and gives him a firm look.) This next part was said as Mr. Karen walks out backward so he can keep yelling at us, but bumping into things every step of the way. Mr. Karen: I’ll be contacting the authorities about your license. Bump I happen to be close personal friends with the mayor! Crash And you two, I want badge numbers. Don’t think we’re done here because we haven’t even bang started!
So the officers took them out and as it was told to me by a regular who left around the same time, walked the Karens to their car, which was improperly parked in a handicap space. For which they were ticketed. They did make a complaint to the liquor authority, claiming, among many things, that we served minors. We were investigated but obviously came up fine.
11. Hitting Where It Hurts
I work in a retail store. One day, this very rude customer threw a tantrum at me, and shouted: "Why don't you get a REAL job?" Annoyed, I decided to strike back. I said: "Now if I did that, what would you have to whine and be mad about?" Unsurprisingly, she did not seem to find this particularly funny. But I felt pretty good about myself!
12. Putting Two And Two Together
I work at a local bar. One night, a bunch of intoxicated people were making a huge mess, wasting our time, and harassing other tables. Finally, I went up to them and informed them that there was an issue. Me: “The manager has decided that all of you need to leave. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone and your behavior warrants it.”
The loudest guy at the table: “Screw you. If you kick us out, we're never gonna come back to this place.” Me: “That's exactly the point. Please leave.”
13. Spoiling Her Big Plans
One day, a rude customer came into the store where I work and said: “I don't like (insert literally anything here), is the owner in? I know him!” I immediately expressed intense excitement and said: “OMG SAME! I know the owner too! He's not here right now, unfortunately, but I'm the manager on duty today so I'll help you out.” She was not amused.
14. The Old Switcharoo
When I was a server, I was that server that everyone claims they would always be if they did one day become a server in a restaurant. I filled up glasses when they needed to be refilled without asking, I brought out a bowl of lemons if you asked for lemons; if you wanted extra ice, you got a whole extra glass full of ice. Heck, I was even careful enough to write down every order even though I could easily memorize it and get it right.
One particularly busy night, I’m working a party of about 20 people. It’s a Friday night and the kitchen is slammed. Everything was going smooth, I thought—until I bring out the drinks and salads. There is one idiot that starts off saying I didn’t bring her anything right (wrong dressing, drink had a lemon, too much ice, etc.). I play the gracious and apologetic server correcting the issue despite knowing she is wrong.
The meal comes out. It goes from bad to worse. She explodes about how I can’t seem to do anything right and what a screw up I am. I proceed to congratulate her on the fine example she is setting for the kids at the table on how to treat another human being, and what classy language she was using. I then proceeded to show her where I wrote down everything she asked for.
The type of salad, the dressing she wanted, how she wanted it on the side, pulled the straw I gave her from under her bread plate and told her that I did give her one. I also talked about how I heard when her sister had ordered another dish, that she told her sister that she wanted that dish instead, and advised that she maybe should have simply asked for me to change the order instead of trying to play it off as if I was truly a “screw up” as she claimed.
I said maybe next time she would do a better job of making sure the server was not in earshot when she says something like that. I then told her that I would go and have the kitchen fix the meal she really wanted, instead of the one she ordered, and that it would take about 10 minutes before it was ready. Needless to say, the whole table was quiet. Then came the most glorious moment.
Her father piped up and simply said, "Honey, It's about time someone called you out on your antics.” The old man gave me a $100.00 tip when he paid for the meal, strong handshake, and a thanks.
15. The Ranch Lifestyle
I was serving a group of 40 people with one other server. As we’re bringing plates out, she asks me for a side of ranch dressing. As I’m bringing the second set of plates out (it took me four or five trips), she asks again. Then again. Obviously, I’m going to bring people’s hot food out before your freaking ranch, lady. Basically, I ended up “forgetting” about her ranch because she wouldn't stop asking when I clearly couldn't physically bring it out yet.
She waits around after everyone leaves. By the way, this was a free meal being paid for by people hosting these people so they could tell them about some business opportunity, so she wasn’t even a paying customer. Once everyone is gone, she asks me in a snobby tone if I was ever going to get her ranch, and without thinking I just said "no."
Lady loses it and literally starts yelling at me. And in my calmest voice (since people don't like you being calm when they’re raging, it makes them angrier), I said "Haha, okay. Maybe don't yell at me," to which she kept yelling. So I again calmly went "Okay haha, but maybe don't yell at me." And after the second one, I could actually see the clarity wash over her.
Like she suddenly developed self-awareness for a split second. My clapback wasn't witty, but she realized she was flying off the handle. It was a great feeling.
16. Getting A Little Salty
I once had a guy ask me to bring him some pepper to the table, so I happily obliged. As I'm walking away after giving him the pepper, he snaps his fingers behind my back. He shouts: "This pepper. It's not coarse enough!" I turned back and said: "I'm sorry, but that's the only pepper we have." He goes: "Mmmm, yeah. Well, you can take this back, then. Maybe you could go get me some sea salt instead."
I go: "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have sea salt, just regular table salt." He goes: "Mmmm, I'm sorry. I must have mistaken this place for an ACTUAL restaurant." I reply: "And I am sorry too, sir. You've clearly mistaken me for someone who gives a hoot about your obnoxious demands. Enjoy your soup!" And that was the end of that!
17. Calling Her Bluff
A woman once complained to me about her cocktail, saying she couldn’t taste the “punch” in it. She asked if we could make it stronger. It was already a double, but we added a splash. She apparently still couldn’t taste it, so she asked if we could add more. She was obviously intoxicated when she arrived and angling to get more intoxicated for as cheap as possible.
Which is why I took her cocktail, apologized that it wasn’t to her liking, and said I’d take it off her bill, effectively cutting her off for the night.
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18. Early Bird Boozers
I was working at a popular Italian "fine dining" chain. We opened at 11 AM, but I was scheduled for 10:30 AM to do opening duties. Two middle-aged women were at the doors at 10:45 AM. I prepared myself for two crazy Karens—but they were so much worse than I feared. We let them in because it wasn’t a big deal. However, they both ordered drinks, and our bartender didn't get there until 11 AM. I let them know, and they seemed ok with it.
I dropped off a couple of waters while they waited for their drinks. The one woman said, "That's great, honey, but that's NOT what I wanted! HAHA!" They smiled, and it was clear she was just trying to make a bad joke. I told them again that it was only 10:55 AM, and the bartender was not in yet. They told me to make the drinks.
I couldn’t because of corporate rules, so I asked my manager to make the drinks. While he did that, I took their food orders. By 11:05 AM, they had their appetizers and beverages and said, "UGH was that so HARD? FINALLY!" Other guests, including young families, began to arrive and sit in my section. They ate half the calamari appetizer and decided it was undercooked.
I asked the kitchen to drop new calamari in and cook it a minute longer than typical. That ruined the calamari. They hated it and said, "I'm not eating this garbage!" and I asked the manager to take it off their check. They were taking up a lot of my time and asking for many little things. I went to take care of some other tables. But I wasn't the only one who hated them.
The customers at the other tables asked if I was ok and requested that the women stop swearing so much in front of their children. When I reminded the women that they were in a family restaurant, they replied, "Blah blah blah free country. Oh, I want another DRINK!” I put the order in. Their meals were up right at that moment, so I returned within a minute to drop their food off.
They yelled, "WHERE IS MY SECOND DRINK?!?! HELLO!?!" Now they were banging their half-empty glasses on the table. They continued to yell at me to the point where I started to cry while still trying to take care of my other tables, which posed no problems. I asked my manager to take over the rude folks and to let them know they were cut off.
He tore them a new one in the way only managers are allowed to. They got upset they couldn't order more drinks and asked for the check and left. They barely left enough cash to cover the bill, but one came back and asked if she left enough of a tip. I said, "No. You left me a 2% tip." She gave me five more dollars and, luckily, I never saw them again.
19. A Move Within A Move
I work for a moving company. The customers always get mad when we don't have the equipment available for them when they show up last minute with no reservation. “Well, I'll just go to (competitor's name)!” is what they usually say. I would always reply with exact directions: “Great, they are a block north, on the right side. You can't miss ‘em.”
This never failed to get a disgusted scoff, but we would always see them again in an hour or so to set up a reservation when the competitors didn't have any equipment either.
20. Old McDonald Had A Farm
My brother was a waiter and was working with a really difficult woman. She ordered the salmon and asked when it got to her table if it was “farm-raised.” She got mad at him because he didn’t mention that the salmon was farm-raised when she was ordering, even though it clearly states that it is farm-raised on the menu. She ordered the chicken to replace the salmon, and my brother said “I have to warn you, it’s farm-raised.”
21. In The Heat Of The Night
At the store where I work, we have sweet biscuits with icing on top. Every weekend, this lady comes in and wants them fresh, with extra icing. But every time, something is apparently wrong with them. Her main complaint is them being “too cold,” which is usually probably due to the extra icing being added on top of it. We have told this to her repeatedly.
Well, this last time she came in, we gave her the biscuit, fresh out the oven, loaded it down with icing, and she still says it’s cold. The manager tells her the only way to get it any hotter would be to melt the icing in the microwave, which we refuse to do. The lady has a conniption, demanding to know why. My manager, God love her, says “Because sugar is hotter than the seven sons of the underworld when it’s heated up like that, and no matter how much you deserve it, I’ll be darned if I give you an excuse to have a lawsuit against us.”
22. Let The Music Play
This just happened to me and I’m both shocked and laughing my butt off. I was on a bus on my way into college, listening to a punk band I’ve recently got heavily into, a band from Brixen in the German-speaking region of South Tyrol in Italy called Frei. Wild. The bus is fairly packed, so I’m right at the front of the bus where you’d park a stroller or a wheelchair.
A woman with a stroller gets onto the bus and sits in the only free seat, next to me. She looks down at my phone (why? I still can’t work it out) and sees that I’m listening to a song called “Sieger Stehen Da Auf, Wo Verlier Liegen Bleiben” (roughly translated, rather aptly, to “Winners Stand Where Losers Fall”). She then yanks one of my earphones out. “You live in Scotland, stop listening to your awful Polish music. God, all you Polaks are all the same, refusing to be decent citizens and speak English.”
Now, I’m Scottish. Born and bred. Apart from a week in Amsterdam, two weeks in Morocco, three weeks in the States, and a week in France, I’ve stayed very much in the UK my entire life. Never been to Poland, or Germany for that matter. I eventually had enough of her, so I tried to put her in her place: “This is German Music. Also, I was born here. To Scottish parents.”
Karen tried to make her rebuttal, but I got there first. “Also, how does me listening to some punk rock that happens to be in German effect you? I have my headphones, you can’t hear it.” Karen’s eyes lit up as if she’d won the Karen lottery. “Why are you listening to that sinful, demonic music in public? You’re gonna scare my kid.”
I look in the stroller. “Firstly, your child is sound asleep. Secondly, I have my headphones in, you can’t hear it, I can’t hear it. Screw off and let me listen to my music in peace. Maybe Polish people aren’t the problem in this country. Maybe it’s stuck-up judgmental witches like you.” As I called her out on this, she whacked the stop button, and yeeted herself and the stroller right off the bus at the next stop. Thank God.
23. Staying Hydrated
Table of 10, Sunday brunch, fancy restaurant, I'm hungover. A crowd swarms in at the opening and my whole section is filled at once. I'm efficient and cool. I'm used to this. I get to the big table and preface that water is being brought as we speak. I then begin taking everyone's drink orders. As I'm taking orders around the table, one woman blurts out that she wants water.
She then starts screaming not to forget the water, interrupting her friends and family as they make their meal requests. I acknowledge her each time until after the fourth time. That’s when I lost it. I told her: 'If you ask for water again, I'll make sure everyone here gets water but you.” She sinks back in her chair looking dumbfounded. I go put in the order, then head to the bar.
24. A Pocket Full Of Miracles
I slipped a napkin into the pocket of a customer’s jacket. I left a lipstick kiss mark and the words “It was great...you were great...let’s do it again” on the napkin before doing so. This was the same man who openly mocked my colleague who has Down's syndrome. He did this right in front of his whole Christian family, and none of them seemed to mind.
25. Eating His Words
I'm quite feminine for a guy. I don't mind what people say or think about me, and I get confused for gay sometimes. That is an important detail for later in this story. While I was working as a cashier, a customer just walked up to me and started to say, and I quote: "I don't understand why so many gay people work in this restaurant, I don't even know if I want to eat here anymore!"
Lots of my coworkers are, in fact, gay; and the way he said this was... not exactly kind to them. So, when his meal was ready, none of them felt comfortable wanting to bring it to him. So I just did what any sane person would do in my position. I brought him his meal, and you bet I freaking became a full-on Disney princess for like five minutes straight!
I was walking like a model, calling him sweet names, being extremely touchy, and giving him the best attention I possibly could. It was so much fun!
26. If The Shoe Doesn’t Fit…
I work in a shoe shop. One of the services we supply is to check how well school shoes fit on our younger customers. Once a staff member has signed to say they are a good fit, the customer is able to bring them back if there are any problems. This one time, a mother came back in with her son a week after being fitted with a pair, loudly mouthing off that the shoes were too tight and causing blisters.
Even though she was being a psycho about it, we offered to get her a new pair. Once back in the kids department, she spotted the girl who fitted the original shoes and went crazy at her, demanding that the girl should be there while a better pair was fitted so she wouldn't make the same mistake again. Despite the mom saying some pretty degrading stuff about her, the girl agreed to sit in on the re-fit in an attempt to help out.
She remembered the customer, even to the point of remembering the child’s name, and was visibly upset about doing a bad job. Returning to the till, the fitter offered to put the exchange through as a final gesture of goodwill. She then froze, realization dawning on her. "These aren't your son's shoes," she said to the customer. They have a name tag inside saying Tommy, and your son’s name is Billy.
Turns out the kid had swapped his shoes with another boy in his class. Laughed that witch out of the shop.
27. One Degree Of Separation
A customer at my store was being rude to me recently, so I gave her attitude back. This did not make her too happy. She aggressively said to me: “I’d watch out if I were you. I know your manager.” Without even stopping to think about it, I replied: “I know him too. So what?” She was completely dumbfounded and didn’t say another word after that.
28. Food For Thought
An Italian customer, at a cheap steakhouse in the United States, said the following: “My pasta wasn't quite Al Dente.” I replied: “You just got off a plane from Italy, ordered pasta at a cheap steakhouse in the United States, and you're surprised it was less perfect than what you are accustomed to? Not sure what you want me to do about that.” He had no reply.
29. The Joys Of Motherhood
My boyfriend's cousin has four children. Each of her kids is the personification of the word bratty. The cousin refuses to discipline them and constantly makes excuses for their behavior. She's also very judgemental of our decision to not have children. She has often made some snide comments towards me, implying that I'm a selfish jerk who is depriving my boyfriend of the "joys of raising children."
For these reasons and for her generally entitled behavior, my boyfriend had cut ties with her. However, when he and I visited his parental home three days ago for his parents’ anniversary celebration, we ran into her again. My boyfriend's dad had urged him to use this occasion to mend bridges with the cousin. So we both tried to make nice and engaged in small talk with her. I’ve never regretted an action more.
During our conversation, my boyfriend mentioned that we were leaving for Melbourne for vacation in a few days. At this, the cousin's eyes lit up. "Oh that sounds like so much fun," she said, "My husband and I haven't gone anywhere since our honeymoon." She whined some more about how hard it is for them with four kids, if only they could afford such luxuries, etc.
I could tell where this was going almost immediately. My boyfriend probably felt sorry for her and, being the kind and generous soul that he is, he offered to buy them a weekend in a resort in Mt. Abu, a hill station in the Indian state of Rajasthan. Cousin (face scrunched up): "That's nice, but why can't you just take us to Melbourne with you?"
BF (getting a bit annoyed, but still patient): Well, we want to spend some time alone together. Plus we'll be meeting some close friends there. Besides, Mt. Abu is a beautiful place. Your kids will love it. Cousin (in the annoying “Karen” tone): I still don't see why you can't take us to Australia. You're being so selfish, going on this great trip and sticking your family with a cheap weekend getaway.
BF's Mom: He's making a very generous offer. Either take it or leave it. Cousin (wearing the expression that morons wear when they think they've had a bright idea): Oh I know! Why don't my husband and I go to Mt. Abu and you can take our kids to Melbourne? Me: What??? Cousin: It's a great idea. The kids can have fun in Melbourne with you two and my hubby and I can enjoy a peaceful weekend. This way, the kids can actually spend some time with their uncle. You never make time for them!
BF: I'm offering for the last time. It's either the weekend in Mt. Abu or nothing at all. And why the heck would we ruin our vacation taking care of your kids? Cousin: How can you say that? My kids are so well-behaved. You'll have so much fun spending time with them. Besides, my husband and I could really use some quiet time together. You two don't have any responsibilities. You have no idea how hard it is to raise four kids. You can afford this trip. I don't see why you won't share with family......
BF: One more word and you're losing my Mt. Abu offer. On hearing this, the cousin finally shut up. We all had dinner together and she was mercifully quiet. If only her kids had followed her example. You'd think this would be the end of it, but NO! We had seriously underestimated her dedication to her Karenness. This morning, the cousin showed up at my apartment with the kids in tow.
I was shocked to see her, of course, and asked if something was wrong. She smiled and said, "I'm just here to drop the kids off. You're leaving tonight right?" After taking a second to recover, I asked, "Did you fall and hit your head on something? We told you we weren't taking your kids with us. What part of that did you not understand?"
She then tried to convince me that my boyfriend had called her later on and had agreed to take her kids. I knew this was a lie and called it as such. The cousin became enraged and asked if I was going to break her kids' hearts. I called my boyfriend, and after telling him what was going on I turned on the speaker. My boyfriend proceeded to chew her out brutally, telling her he would no longer pay for their weekend getaway and that this is exactly the kind of behavior that had made him cut ties with her.
She tried to get a word in but he wouldn't let her. The cousin took her kids and stormed off. My boyfriend and I are having a laugh over this and are still wondering what made her think that this plan would ever work.
30. Going Nuts
I once had a girl ordering a Pina Colada and then complaining about the coconut in it. Apparently, she didn't like coconut and didn’t realize that it was one of the main ingredients in the drink she ordered. So I got her another drink, and she goes: “What are you going to do with the old one? Are you going to throw it away?”
I just looked at her, told her that I do like coconut, and took a sip.
31. The Royal Treatment
I had more than one of these encounters, since I worked as a waiter for quite a while. I remember one particular Karen wanting a sincere apology after insulting and berating one of my best friends there, and since I was the one in charge I had to do it. So, with the biggest smile I could possibly put on, I went to her and said "I'm SOOOO sorry for AAALL the things my co-worker did to you. We here know a lady like you deserves more polite treatment, so let me help you..."
She was smiling like the crazy narcissist she is, clearly thinking she had won. Wrong. Then I added: "Let me gracefully escort you to the door so you can find a restaurant that serves your kind, since you are not welcome here anymore." She was fuming. I still remember my friend’s face when he heard this. Then, as she was leaving, I said something like: "I hope you have a day as WONDERFUL as you deserve!"
She complained to management, but since I was always the "good guy" at work and my coworkers didn't say a thing, they let it pass.
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32. Mother And Daughter Tag Team
I worked at a restaurant with my mom. I got the job when I was 18, and my mom had been working there for 25 years. She worked her way up from waiting tables to bartending and had been bartending for years by then. The first summer I worked there as a server, it was a typical, busy summer night. My mom and I had been there all day.
We had both been working double shifts, and it was coming close to 6 PM. The restaurant was set up with a bar side and a dining room side. I was in the dining room with two other servers; one was an older lady. I remember hearing a horrible scream. The older lady ended up slipping and falling right in front of the kitchen to the door. She shattered her elbow and her knee.
She couldn’t move, so at that point, we were all waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Dishes were stacking up, and no food was going out of the kitchen because none of us could get in. My manager that night had to take over all the tables from the server who fell had. Just before the server fell, I had a new table seated.
Apparently, the host informed me she saw the couple practically fist fighting in the parking lot before they came in. I greeted the table, and they seemed okay. They both ordered drinks, and I brought them promptly. They ordered their food and ended up getting FOUR entrees for the both of them. They were all expensive seafood dishes, and at that point, their check was over $100.
A couple of minutes after I put the food order in is when the other server slipped and fell. Therefore, the food for my table was taking a little longer. The food finally came, and my mom just happened to help me run it over. We put it down, and the woman goes, “FINALLY.” We explained that an older server fell in the kitchen and had significant injuries. There's no WAY they didn't hear it.
Then the man then said, “WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT.” The woman started manhandling the lobster roll she got, complaining it was cold. I told her we could get her another one right away and asked if they needed anything else. The lady said, “Well, now I NEED another drink!” My mom was bartending and I had about five other tables going.
So, my mom made the drinks and brought them to the table. The woman at the table said to her, “Oh, well, you’re really good at your job.” My mom told her she had been there for 25 years, to which the woman responded, “Oh, so you have to pick up the slack for all the others?” My mom said, “No, we are a team and all help each other. Plus, your server is my daughter.”
The woman was looking to get a reaction, so she said the meanest thing possible: “Oh well, I’m really sorry about that.” Being a calm and collected person, my mom just said, “Well, I’m not. My daughter is pretty great.” The woman lost her mind and began screaming and cursing at my mother at the top of her lungs in the middle of the dining room.
The man at the table got up in the middle of the interaction and just went outside. My manager ended up having to comp all of their food. Other tables that weren’t even mine were coming over to me and apologizing because they had seen what happened. They even overtipped me because they felt bad about what went down.
33. Ice Ice Baby
I worked at a restaurant in my hometown for years, and the most common rude thing customers would pull was lifting their empty cup with ice in it and shaking it at me, implying that they needed a refill. My response was always the same: “Are you making music, or did you need something?” Use your words, jerks. I’m not your dog.
34. An Impatient Mental Patient
I am not a waiter, but I was in a restaurant once and this woman comes up to the waiter and goes "Excuse me, but I have been waiting for my food for nearly five minutes now." She had a party table, and a table of eight. The waiter then, calmly, goes to her: "Ma'am, you realize the restaurant is extremely busy, you have a table of eight, and we have minimal staff. It's going to take a whole lot longer than five minutes to cook your food."
Bear in mind, this was a week before Christmas, so everyone was really having their Christmas dinner of sorts. She then huffs and goes to sit down. Five minutes later, she goes back at it again. Woman: "Sir, we have been waiting ten minutes. Where is our food!?" Waiter, (Getting slightly annoyed): "Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to sit down and wait patiently, or leave."
Woman: "I want to talk to the manager." Waiter: "Ma'am, the manager is on maternity leave. I'm the assistant manager. And I'm asking you to sit down or leave." The woman goes to sit down. By this point, nearly the entire restaurant was trying to not laugh. The waiter talks to the cook to get the woman's food out first.
Two minutes later, he does so. They eat, leave money for the bill, and then get ready to leave. The waiter comes over. Waiter: "Did you enjoy your food?" Woman: "Yes, not thanks to you though." I could see the waiter was about to lose it. Waiter: "Ma'am, if not for me you would still be waiting." Woman: "I'm going to leave a bad review on this restaurant and get you sacked from your job."
Waiter: "Don’t worry, I won't get sacked thanks to a bimbo like you who thinks everyone has all the time in the world to cater for you." The woman and her party left after that. I never did find out what happened, but I applaud that waiter for remaining so calm under those circumstances. That woman was an absolute joke!
35. The Joys Of Motherhood
My boyfriend's cousin has four children. Each of her kids is the personification of the word bratty. The cousin refuses to discipline them and constantly makes excuses for their behavior. She's also very judgemental of our decision to not have children. She has often made some snide comments towards me, implying that I'm a selfish jerk who is depriving my boyfriend of the "joys of raising children."
For these reasons and for her generally entitled behavior, my boyfriend had cut ties with her. However, when he and I visited his parental home three days ago for his parents’ anniversary celebration, we ran into her again. My boyfriend's dad had urged him to use this occasion to mend bridges with the cousin. So we both tried to make nice and engaged in small talk with her. I’ve never regretted an action more.
During our conversation, my boyfriend mentioned that we were leaving for Melbourne for vacation in a few days. At this, the cousin's eyes lit up. "Oh that sounds like so much fun," she said, "My husband and I haven't gone anywhere since our honeymoon." She whined some more about how hard it is for them with four kids, if only they could afford such luxuries, etc.
I could tell where this was going almost immediately. My boyfriend probably felt sorry for her and, being the kind and generous soul that he is, he offered to buy them a weekend in a resort in Mt. Abu, a hill station in the Indian state of Rajasthan. Cousin (face scrunched up): "That's nice, but why can't you just take us to Melbourne with you?"
BF (getting a bit annoyed, but still patient): Well, we want to spend some time alone together. Plus we'll be meeting some close friends there. Besides, Mt. Abu is a beautiful place. Your kids will love it. Cousin (in the annoying “Karen” tone): I still don't see why you can't take us to Australia. You're being so selfish, going on this great trip and sticking your family with a cheap weekend getaway.
BF's Mom: He's making a very generous offer. Either take it or leave it. Cousin (wearing the expression that morons wear when they think they've had a bright idea): Oh I know! Why don't my husband and I go to Mt. Abu and you can take our kids to Melbourne? Me: What??? Cousin: It's a great idea. The kids can have fun in Melbourne with you two and my hubby and I can enjoy a peaceful weekend. This way, the kids can actually spend some time with their uncle. You never make time for them!
BF: I'm offering for the last time. It's either the weekend in Mt. Abu or nothing at all. And why the heck would we ruin our vacation taking care of your kids? Cousin: How can you say that? My kids are so well-behaved. You'll have so much fun spending time with them. Besides, my husband and I could really use some quiet time together. You two don't have any responsibilities. You have no idea how hard it is to raise four kids. You can afford this trip. I don't see why you won't share with family......
BF: One more word and you're losing my Mt. Abu offer. On hearing this, the cousin finally shut up. We all had dinner together and she was mercifully quiet. If only her kids had followed her example. You'd think this would be the end of it, but NO! We had seriously underestimated her dedication to her Karenness. This morning, the cousin showed up at my apartment with the kids in tow.
I was shocked to see her, of course, and asked if something was wrong. She smiled and said, "I'm just here to drop the kids off. You're leaving tonight right?" After taking a second to recover, I asked, "Did you fall and hit your head on something? We told you we weren't taking your kids with us. What part of that did you not understand?"
She then tried to convince me that my boyfriend had called her later on and had agreed to take her kids. I knew this was a lie and called it as such. The cousin became enraged and asked if I was going to break her kids' hearts. I called my boyfriend, and after telling him what was going on I turned on the speaker. My boyfriend proceeded to chew her out brutally, telling her he would no longer pay for their weekend getaway and that this is exactly the kind of behavior that had made him cut ties with her.
She tried to get a word in but he wouldn't let her. The cousin took her kids and stormed off. My boyfriend and I are having a laugh over this and are still wondering what made her think that this plan would ever work.
36. One Last Hurrah
On my last night working as a delivery driver, I was told to keep the change on $12.98 as my tip. That’s when I snapped. I responded by rummaging through my change pouch, taking out two pennies, and tossing them back at the guy, saying “If I wanted your two cents, I would have asked you a freaking question.” I then just walked away. This was my final delivery ever, and was well worth it!
37. A Poor Phone Connection
I’m not a server, but I had a few of these incidents when I worked at the Comcast retail center. One guy in particular came in hot and was adamant that we doubled his bill. I look into his billing history and, lo and behold, he hasn't paid in two months. I point this out to him and say, "Let's be real, you haven't paid in two months."
I guess my use of the phrase "be real" triggered something in him, because now he's suddenly complaining that I have lousy customer service skills and that I’m unprofessional. He added that I should go work for McDonald’s instead. I immediately responded: "Yeah, but then where would you have to work?" I know Comcast is evil and all, but taking money from that jerk made my entire freaking week.
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38. Getting Some Special Treatment
I once saw an extremely rude guy picking on waitresses and just being a total jerk to everyone around him. There was, however, one male waiter, whom he promptly summoned. Guy: “Another drink.” Waiter: “Sorry, we have no more left.” Guy: “I don’t believe that for a second. Bring me the darn drink I asked for, right now!”
Waiter: “Oh, sorry. Let me clarify myself. We have no more drinks left… for YOU.” The waiter then walked off, leaving the guy all by himself to absorb and process what had just happened. The rude dude then left the place quietly to my great surprise. Maybe not the number one most hilarious comeback of all time, but it was a highly amusing incident to watch.
39. Extra, Extra, Read All About It
During high school, I worked at a Burger King. There was this one woman who would always come into drive thru during the afternoon and ask for a Whopper Jr with extra onions. And I mean, a LOT of extra onions. And no matter how many we put in, she always came into the store and complained that there weren't enough. Still, this was in the middle of the afternoon, so we didn't care.
However, one day, we had four buses full of US Army enlistees at the store at the same time. Convoys of chartered buses would go by periodically, and they usually stopped at our store because the bus drivers knew my boss. Now, these people were always the nicest, most respectful people you can possibly imagine, which was a welcome change after dealing with jerks the whole day.
They also always ordered a ton of food—all king-size, tons of double and triple whoppers, the whole nine yards. My boss would always have me give them the "senior discount" (15% off), and they enjoyed that immensely, because it said that they were getting a senior discount on their receipts. Anyways, nice as they were, they strained our store to the limit because they ordered so much food.
So we were almost literally going hammer and tongs to keep up, and then the worst happens. Onion woman comes into drive thru. My boss told me to just grab two handfuls of onions and put them on the sandwich, because she didn't need a scene when we were as far behind as we were. I could barely close the burger because of the onions, but I managed it and we gave it to her.
Now remember, the store is completely full of US Army enlistees. They probably have not had fast food for weeks (I think they were going from boot camp to get their first assignments). And the line was out the door. So onion woman pushes her way past all of these people, rudely shoving them out of her way, and comes up to the counter screaming that she didn't have enough onions.
My boss is angry, so she takes the sandwich, hands it to me, and tells me to do whatever I want with it. I knew just what to do. I dumped the ENTIRE TUB of onions on this (probably about 1.5 LITERS of onions), and wrapped it up really, REALLY tight, and taped it shut (Note that the wrappers were somewhat elastic...). My boss hands it to the woman, and she opens it right on the counter to "make sure we have enough" even though it's like six times bigger than normal.
The thing EXPLODED ALL OVER. SO freaking awesome. All the guys trying not to laugh. One of their officers (a quite young 1st Lt.) was waiting by the counter for his food, and finally he just gave up and started laughing his butt off. The men took this as a cue, and she had about 250 men dying laughing at her.
One of the best days of my high school life. She didn't come back for a month, and she never, EVER complained about not having enough onions.
40. She Got All Fired Up
When I was bartending one night, I had two people come in who seemed a little loose but not so much that I shouldn’t serve them. I gave them a round or two, and they were having fun and interacting well with customers—until they weren’t. They started crossing the line, so the time came to cut them off. I apologized and had to let them know that I couldn’t serve them anymore because they were being disruptive and were obviously very loaded.
At that point, one of the two started yelling at me for refusing to serve her. It got so bad that the customers around her began to defend my choice. She then started throwing a tantrum at them, as well as my manager after that. And, somehow, she wasn't even the worst one! Her friend had meanwhile retreated to the bathroom and set fire to one of the wicker baskets that we used as a trash can.
41. The Ultimate Staff Confrontation
In this case, I was the customer that got confronted—but who do you think was the bad guy? A server confronted me in the men's room when I didn't tip him on top of the 18% minimum that was already added to my bill. And he wanted to fight me. I’ve never quite had an experience like that before or since. Here’s the full story.
So this past weekend, we went to a restaurant for dinner with my girlfriend and her friends for her birthday. We had about ten people and had about five different tabs, each of which included an 18% minimum tip. The service was terrible. The server was incredibly rude all night and would always respond with some kind of sarcasm when we asked questions about the menu.
He took the wrong drink orders twice and blamed us for getting them wrong. He brought all the apps and entrees at the same time and got upset when we said we didn't want the apps anymore. My friend paid in cash and when he brought back change, there was no receipt. She was expecting to see five bucks and some change back.
When the server came back there was no receipt and only four bucks and change there. She asked him to see the receipt, to see if she had miscalculated because she expected five dollars and then some back. Instead of saying something along the lines of I’ll go check or something accommodating like that, the dude got irritated and said that he threw away the receipt.
He then reached for his wallet and said "How about I just give you a dollar if you want it that bad?" That angered us all, so we didn't leave any extra tip on top of the amount that was automatically added. I wrote down "NOPE!" on my receipt in the additional tip line. When I went to use the men's room before leaving, he tapped my shoulder as I was washing my hands and goes: “You think you’re pretty funny with that tip, don't you? Why don't we step outside so I can show you how funny I can be?
I’m like what the heck? I immediately called the manager over and told him the server tried to fight me because I didn't tip him extra. I explained the whole situation to her while the dude was just glaring angrily at me the whole time. Other servers had to calm him down because he kept trying to interrupt me when I was talking to the manager.
I declined all of their gift card offers, because I sure as heck don’t want to come back to a place where the staff is gonna stir up trouble for me.
42. Thinking Inside The Box
For context, I’m a female in my twenties working at a fine dining restaurant. This older guy kept giving me trouble all night. Doing stuff like ordering crudités and then calling it rabbit food and sending it back. At the end of the meal, he says: “Where do I put this comment card?” Me: “See that black box over there? Right in there!”
Guy, thinking he’s being incredibly witty and funny, when he’s actually being a total doofus: “Did you just ask me to stuff your box?!” Me: “Nope, mine isn’t black, sir. Bye! I need to actually help people now.” His friends started cracking up and his face turned bright red. I don’t understand people who make inappropriate comments like that in public.
It made the entire meal uncomfortable for the rest of the evening, and his friends were clearly not impressed by the way he was treating me.
43. Living Your Best Life
I lived in Melbourne, Australia for about a year. While there, I met a gorgeous gay couple, Brian and Derek (names changed). They were both bi, and they lived in the same building as me on the floor directly above mine. I soon entered into an intimate relationship with both of them. We would have threesomes, and sometimes more.
Besides the awesome bedroom stuff, I also became really good friends with them and we're still in touch. It was tons of fun for all involved. Among my neighbors was a middle-aged couple with two children. They lived right across the hallway from me and were quick to judge us after seeing Brian and Derek exiting my apartment early in the morning on more than one occasion.
The woman, Karen, asked me in the elevator what I was doing with "those two gays." I politely told her it was none of her business. When she kept on pestering me, I told her "If you must know, I'm friends with benefits with them, now leave me alone." I still remember the look of shock on her face. I don't think she expected me to reply so brazenly.
When I told Brian and Derek about this, they shared their own experience in dealing with them. This couple had tried to talk to the property manager about "gays moving into a building with families and children." They were told to screw off but any time either or both of these guys were in the elevator with them or ran into them in the parking lot, the husband (Let's call him Todd) would stand between them and his kids while giving Brian and/or Derek angry looks.
They must've been trying to prevent their kids from catching "the gay." HA. In the weeks that followed, the entitled couple continued to give me the stink eye any time they saw me. I just smiled back at them sweetly, which annoyed them even more. On one occasion, their teenage daughter said "good morning" to me and tried to make small talk, before her mother dragged her away by the arm while berating her for talking to "that woman."
Interestingly, their kids seemed very well behaved and nice and I truly felt sorry for them. My next-door neighbors (another couple with kids with whom I got along very well) later told me that Karen had tried to get them to file a noise complaint against me. According to Karen’s logic, since I shared a wall with that family, they could probably hear all the "ungodly" noises coming from my apartment and they should complain in order to protect their children.
The nice couple told them they would do no such thing as I had never bothered them and they had never heard any such noises coming out of my apartment. One night, Brian, Derek, and I decided to have a foursome that would involve the three of us and Brian and Derek's friend Dean. The next morning, Dean asked if he could come back to my place with me.
As it was a Sunday morning and Dean was hotter than Hades, I agreed. As he and I were walking down the hallway to my place, Karen was just getting out of hers. She saw Dean and I smiling and talking with his arm around my waist. She approached me, asking angrily if I was “selling my body." I told her she was insane and asked her to kindly screw off.
Later that day, I received a terrifying call from the property manager. She wanted to let me know that Karen and Todd had complained that I was a "loose woman" and that it was dangerous for their children to be in the same building as me. They told her in great detail about how I was bringing home different men. The property manager had gotten to know Brian and Derek quite well and had an inkling that I was “friends” with them.
So she contacted them and they told her all about Karen’s crazy behavior and accusations. They said that the man they had seen me with was a mutual friend. The property manager dissuaded the family from filing any sort of false complaint against me as it could cause a world of trouble for them. I thanked that kind lady and later had a good chuckle over it all with Brian and Derek.
The blatant harassment from Karen and Todd had stopped, but of course, the hateful looks continued. On one occasion, when we were in the elevator together, Karen made a pathetic attempt at shaming me by condescendingly asking if I was going to have any men over that night. What she didn't realize is that shame about my promiscuity is something I'm entirely incapable of feeling.
I proceeded to tell her in great detail about all the acts I was going to engage in that evening. I mean, she's the one who asked, right? After this fun little interaction, she and her husband avoided me completely. Good times.
44. Just One Of Those Things
This is kind of a long one. I was working in a resort. One of the guests there was a Type A jerk that thinks he's above everything. You know the type. Obviously, he has to be the "group leader" of a table full of four or five other dudes. During my spiel, I tell the table we are out of a certain thing. I don't even remember what it was or why I had mentioned it.
So I start taking the table's order and eventually get to him. Him: "I'll have the THING." Me: "As I just said, sir, we're out of the thing." Him: "Maybe I'll just call my GOOD FRIEND GENERAL MANAGER and they'll find some for me." Me: "You're more than welcome to do so, but the number on the business card you picked up at the front is an office number, not their personal phone. Also, they're the one that just told me that we're out of the THING...
“Maybe if you had called GENERAL MANAGER in advance to let your GOOD FRIEND know you were coming, we could have held some back especially for you." Now, this may not seem all that destructive, but to this guy, at this table full of his colleagues, trying to seem all-powerful, it was freaking BRUTAL. He TRIED to save face, but it failed so darn hard.
Him: "Well, if you can't keep your food in stock, then we probably should have gone somewhere else to eat." The gauntlet has been thrown down. Me: "That's an excellent idea, sir. Would you like me to check if there is a table free at our steakhouse?" Him: "Yes, maybe then I can get some food." He starts talking to the other guys in the group like somehow we're in the wrong here.
They're ALL just looking at him like he's a total freaking lunatic, because he is. I go to the phone, call the steakhouse, and ask if they have space for one. Yes, you read that right. I asked if they had space for a table of one, not for the whole group he was with. They tell me that they do indeed have the room. Good. Back to the table.
Me: "You'll be happy to know, sir, that our steakhouse is able to accommodate you and will have a table waiting when you arrive." Him, in the jerkiest voice he can muster, which is nowhere NEAR as jerky as I could be: "THANK YOU for being of SOME KIND of service." He turns to the rest of the table. "Let's go, guys." That’s when the brutal surprise I’d planned for him came to light.
Me: "I'm sorry, sir, I was under the impression that you would be dining alone and didn't ask if they could take a party this size. I assumed they'd be dining with us seeing as they all ordered items we have available." The guy just looks dumbfounded. And while he's standing there trying to process this new development, one of the dudes at the table chimes in…
Other dude at the table: "Don't worry about it, bro, head on down there. We'll meet up at the resort bar for drinks later." The jerk grabs his drink, says nothing, and walks out. He hits the door and the rest of the table goes into that quiet "What a moron" type of laugh that only men of a certain age and income bracket are able to do properly.
The kind that lets you know this is funny now but come Monday that maniac's world is going to be slightly different in many, many small ways. The evening continues. Yes, this all happened. Yes, I still have even more stories from that night. Yes, I really freaking miss that job. Anyway, the evening continues and sometime after I bring that table their dessert, my GENERAL MANAGER pulls me aside.
GM: "What the heck happened? I spent the last half hour getting yelled at by some guy that says you were super rude to him." So I give the GM a quick rundown of what had happened. I explained that we did not have what the gentleman wanted, so I made him a reservation at the steakhouse. End of story. I said I had no idea why he would possibly be upset.
I pointed out that his co-workers over at (insert table number here) are still around, having a great time. So the GM goes over to their table and starts talking to them, presumably starting with how their meal was and ending with "What happened with the other guy that I saw with you?" It was freaking beautiful. They had my back the whole way.
They threw him so far under the bus for acting like a jerk that he rolled out the other side and got hit by a semi in the next lane over. They were nothing but complimentary to me, which was a nice bonus. Soon after, the GM came back over and told me everything seemed fine with them, shrugged it off, and went back to doing whatever GMs do.
Overall, it was quite a satisfying experience for me, and I definitely have no regrets about how I acted! For anyone that has actually read this far, just take this bit of information and carry it with you always: NOTHING infuriates lousy human beings more than someone doing EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT DONE... monkey paw style.
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45. Out Of The Frying Pan, Into The Fryer
Many years ago, I was working the counter at a ski resort's cafe. On one occasion, this teenage jerk came up to the counter with a container of French fries and said that he didn't bring any money, so he asked if he could just have them for free. I said nope. He said, "But I'm a good customer." And I said okay, but the French fries are for paying customers.
And I then proceeded to take them away from him and pop one in my mouth right in front of him. He had nothing to say to that, but his friend cracked up with laughter and apologized to me on his behalf. Apparently, the friend had been pretty embarrassed by the whole incident. When I turned around after this, all of my co-workers were in awe of how perfect the moment was.
46. Stopping The Gravy Train
My elderly neighbor has some connections at the Boston Pizza restaurant chain and, as a result, always gets free gravy with her fries. One time, when she went to this other restaurant called Humpty's, she asked for gravy. When she was told she would be charged a couple of dollars extra for it, she said: "But I always get it for free at Boston Pizza." The server promptly told her that she could go back to Boston Pizza, then.
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47. Party Poopers
I lived in a complex that was a rectangle with a central courtyard. All the units' doors faced inward. It was a very social place, a block away from the beach, and all the neighbors were friends, except for one couple. We would congregate in the courtyard almost every day to barbecue, picnic, or just kick it at the end of the day.
It rarely ever turned into a full-blown party, but occasionally we would have courtyard parties for the complex and invite friends over. This one older couple didn't realize they were moving into this kind of complex and they were on a mission to stop any socializing outdoors. They would call the owner anytime people were talking outside.
They would yell through their screen door at people to keep it down, even in broad daylight, and if anyone was gathering outside after dark, they would call the authorities. I lived next door to them, and any time I would watch TV at night, have friends over, or even talk on the phone at night, the guy would bang on the wall like a maniac. We ignored them until they took things too far.
The woman eventually convinced the landlord to remove the patio furniture and, ultimately, the BBQ, which belonged to me. The landlord said I could have it back but had to remove it from the premises. They managed to get the landlord on their side, which destroyed the good vibe we had going. Then one day, a young family with their new baby had a picnic in the courtyard.
They were sitting on a blanket because the patio furniture was gone. The nasty neighbors actually came outside and started photographing them, causing them to take their baby and flee indoors. That was the last straw. We wrote up a petition and sent it to the landlord with an ultimatum—shut them down, return the patio furniture and BBQ, or we will all move out.
I got signatures from every single tenant in the complex. The nasty neighbors moved out the following month. On their moving day, we all threw a going-away party in the courtyard, without them, of course. When they were finished moving, and they locked the door for the last time, we all sang, "Nananaaana! Nananaaana! Hey, hey, hey! Goodbye!"
48. Slow Eating Psychos
I was waitressing at a bar in Philly. I had a couple of patrons extremely upset with me because they didn’t eat their wings fast enough after they came out, so some were cold by the time they got to them. Wings were $0.50 that night. They demanded a refund for this inconvenience, which I obviously told them, unfortunately, I could not provide them with. But karma got them in the end.
They accidentally tipped me. I found $5 on the table after they had left, so I took it. They came back looking for it. I never felt an ounce of guilt for not helping them search for it.
49. Did I Hear That Right?
I'm not a server, but I thought you folks might like this one anyways. I worked at Target a few years ago. When it's time to close up, a speaker warns you about 15 or so minutes early and asks you to start to wrap things up. So one day, this lady is going through clothes on the shelf at the speed of a snail. Taking her sweet time. The first warning announcement goes off.
She doesn’t react and continues slowly looking at items. All of a sudden, the recording plays again, announcing that we are closing in one minute. That’s when I came up with a plan. I walk up to her and pretend I know sign language, and start fake signing. She asks what I am doing. I replied: “Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were deaf, since you clearly didn’t react to the announcement that we’re closing right now.”
She had no idea how to respond.
50. Two Meals For The Price Of None
I had one of those women that always complains about their food, hoping to get it comped. Which she did. But then she asked for a to-go box. I said: “I thought you didn't like your meal. Are you sure you want to take it home?” She got annoyed. I should have refused to give her the box, but I was new so I boxed it for her. I got no tip of course.
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51. Slicing Up His Ego
I work at a, but it’s in North Carolina. This one time, a customer came in and ordered a slice of pizza. This is how the conversation went. Customer: “Is this really a New York slice?” My manager: “How about you get the heck out of here?? Is that New York enough for ya?” The guy actually laughed. It was pretty awesome.
52. The Family That Fights Together…
I just recently had a new family move into my neighborhood. The neighborhood is relatively small and close-knit; it’s the kind of neighborhood where everyone knows each other and we generally all get along well. We have big block parties and shoot off fireworks together on holidays. The new family is a middle-aged couple with their four children.
The kids’ ages range from around 14 to two, and this incident is just the first of several problems that I have had with this family since they moved in. So I was hanging out in the living room just relaxing and watching TV. From the couch, I have a clear view of my backyard. That’s when I noticed the retractable cover of my swimming pool begin to roll up.
I was home alone and no one else has access to my backyard. For insurance reasons, I have a lock on my back gate because of the pool. The gate always remains locked as we would be liable if anything was to happen in the yard. I rush outside and see what was going on. That’s when I see this Entitled Mother standing next to my pool with her four children.
They are dressed in their swimsuits and the mom is rolling up the cover of my pool. Me: Excuse me, what do you think you’re doing in my backyard? Her response shocked me to the core...EM: My kids have been well behaved today and they want to go for a swim. I saw that you have a pool so we are going for a dip. Me: This is not a public pool and you are on my private property. I need you to get out of my backyard now. I never told you that you are allowed on my property without permission.
EM: WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? IT IS A VERY HOT DAY AND MY KIDS WANT TO GO FOR A SWIM AND THEY WILL. Me: Not in my private pool they will not. How did you even get in my yard anyway? The gate is locked. EM: SCREW OFF! IN MY OLD NEIGHBORHOOD WE DID THIS ALL THE TIME. MY KIDS ARE GOING FOR A SWIM NOW AND YOU WILL NOT EVEN KNOW WE ARE HERE. YOU ARE JUST BEING SELFISH AND I WILL NOT ALLOW MY BABIES TO SUFFER BECAUSE OF YOUR BAD MOOD.
Me (Now angry): I will not ask again. You either get off my property now or I will call the authorities. You are not using my pool and that is final. EM (finally gets the cover off): Okay kids jump on in. Don’t listen to this stupid witch. Kid: Yeah you stupid witch. We are going for a swim now and you can’t stop us. Me: THAT’S IT! I AM CALLING THE AUTHORITIES.
EM now sees that I am serious and tries to the “reason” with me. EM: You would really not allow four kids to go for a swim on a hot day. What kind of heartless person are you? Just let us go swimming for an hour and we will leave. Don’t you want to be a good neighbor to us? Me: No I do not. You just broke into my backyard without permission? Please get off my property now.
She starts to mumble something to her kids and then she grabs her two youngest and starts to walk out of my yard. I then turn around and see her two oldest boys still standing by the pool. I start to walk over to tell them to go with their mother, and that’s when I see what they are doing. Her two oldest spawns are PEEING into my pool.
Kid: MAYBE THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO BE A BETTER NEIGHBOR, YOU STUPID WITCH. Me (grabs the arms of the two oldest and pushes them out of the gate): GET OFF MY PROPERTY YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE BRATS. EM: DON’T YOU DARE LAY A HAND ON MY BABIES OR I WILL CALL THE POLICE ON YOU. WHO DO YOU THINK THEY WILL BELIEVE? A GOOD MOMMY OR A PATHETIC LITTLE WITCH LIKE YOU? YOU JUST GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE. ENJOY SWIMMING IN YOUR PEE POOL.
They then all walk off laughing as they went back to their house. I was in complete shock and I didn’t know what to do. I now wish I called the authorities after this first incident, but I sadly did not and things have since escalated with this family. Remember how I said that I had a lock on the gate? I later found it broken on the ground. I have no idea what they used to smash it, but they were successful. I have since purchased a much more heavy-duty lock.
53. Phoning A Friend
I'll never forget this story. I work in retail. To be more specific, I work at a big box home improvement store that deals with a lot of contractors, but I got promoted to a Human Resources position, so I don't work with customers that often anymore. That being said, I like to work the floor still from time to time, just to help out.
One small-time contractor was trying to return three large flat carts full of merchandise from her last job, and she wanted the money back in cash with no receipt. We offered to look through all of her orders in the system to find the receipts, but she didn't want to wait for that. She just wanted the cash right then and there.
So I start ringing up the merchandise, knowing full well that the system won't let me return it with no cash, but I just wanted to show her with her own eyes that store credit was the only option in this situation. The merchandise ends up totaling around $3,000, and I show her the register says "Store Credit Only." She gets irate and demands to speak to the store manager.
I tell her that he's not available and that, even if he was, even he couldn't override the system. She says something along the lines of "I don't know what magic wand you just used to make that happen, but the store manager has helped me do this before, and I want him to do it again. He knows me, and if you tell him who I am, then he will help." Well, I wasn’t letting her get out of there without a healthy dose of humiliation.
So I whip out my cell phone and call his personal phone, "Hey Store Manager! I'm really sorry to bother you on your vacation, but I have a customer here who has a problem that she says only you can fix. Do you remember [Contractor's name]? Oh, you don't? Well, she says you helped her return merchandise without a receipt for cash? You don't remember that? Okay. Yeah, I'll have one of the assistant managers take care of it."
She was NOT happy, and I told her that the only way we could do what she was asking us to do was by having one of the assistant managers call up our Regional Asset Protection manager, who would have to investigate and then decide whether or not to approve it, which could take quite some time. She ended up taking the store credit.
54. Take Me To Church
I will always remember my personal favorite story about this topic. There was this older couple, around 70ish, who would always come into this chain restaurant to eat every Sunday after church. While the wife was extremely polite, the guy was an absolute bag of jerks all rolled into one. He often yelled and berated his wife, along with the server.
On one fateful day, I was graced with their presence once again. He was being his normal jerk of a self towards me, and even worse to his wife on this particular occasion. Finally, I had had enough of his mistreatment toward his wife and said, “You better watch it, pal, because no matter what you say or what you do, I’ll have at least two minutes alone with your food before I bring it out. Bon appetit!”
The wife absolutely lost her mind laughing. He shot her a mean glare, to try and intimidate her into stopping the laughter. After hesitating for a split second, she continued with even louder laughing. In reality, I never touched his food…and neither did he. But the threat was enough to get the job done. They never came back. I hope the wife is doing okay!
55. Ask A Stupid Question, Get A Stupid Answer
When I was 16 years old and waitressing as my first job, a woman kept criticizing the food during a busy night, demanding free meals. Eventually, she started making personal remarks towards me. I replied with the most savage burn I could think up at the time. "I know you are, but what am I?" Brilliant, I know! She went up to start complaining to the manager, who didn't care and just walked off mid-sentence.
56. She Needed To Pipe Down
I was around 18 years old and working in the lumber department at a home improvement chain. I was on the second story rack, standing on the forklift forks and trying to handle a solid-core front door, which was extremely heavy, out of the shelf to bring down to the floor for a customer. I had it halfway out of the rack, precariously maneuvering it onto the forks when a little old lady walked up.
She asked sweetly, "Excuse me, sir! Can you point me to the plumbing section?" I replied, grunting, because the door was heavy, "One moment, ma'am. Let me get this door down, and I'll show you." Her response took me by complete surprise: "You idiots never have a product labeled right! I'm tired of this store's garbage! Way too expensive, too!" I froze, staring at her with my mouth agape.
The original customer I was helping actually put his hands over his son's ears. She was Jekyll and Hyde personified. Luckily, right when the old biddy started her rant, my manager happened to walk by. He stopped, walked right up to the lady, and said, "I don't care who you are, but no one deserves to be talked to like that. Leave the store NOW." It was perfect timing.
57. Going Down With The Ship
I’m a former waiter turned flight attendant. I fly on a regional plane in which there is a rear jumpseat at the back, surrounded by two passengers on the left, and another two on the right. This means that I am squished right in the middle. One time, some guy was giving me a hard time about being in the back and he was talking smack. My response?
"If the plane goes down, I will be surrounded by four squishy bodies and probably walk away unscathed. That's why I am here, in the back, in the middle, in this tiny seat. Bodies make GREAT padding." The look of silence on his face was priceless. Thankfully, he didn’t bother me again for the entire remainder of the flight.
58. All’s Well That Ends Well
When I worked in a restaurant, I once waited on a dude and a group of his friends; and he was just generally being a big jerk towards me the whole time. Condescending, snapping his fingers to get my attention, calling me sweetie, the whole nine yards. He also kept claiming that he was a “friend of the owner” and that he should be able to order from the breakfast menu because of this.
Even though I said no and informed him that all of our breakfast stuff is put away, and that this time of day was open for dinner service only. Well, after a while, I decided that I'd had about enough. When he got the bill, because there were so many in his party, I was able to autograt it (meaning add an automatic 20% tip for myself on their check).
I brought him his bill and explained the autograt, and he looked at me and said “Wow, are you really okay with only getting this amount for your tip? I could've left you more, you know!” And I immediately replied, “Oh, don't worry, there's a line below the autograt where you can add even more of a tip if you want!” And I walked away. I guess out of sheer embarrassment, he did end up leaving me more.
59. Take It Up With The Board
Not me personally, but this happened to my manager in a luxury boutique hotel. The building dates back to the 16th century, in an old town with cobbled streets and antique shops. People come for the charm of the good ol’ days. One time, I had a customer leave a TripAdvisor online review. The reason why was insane. She complained that the floorboards in the hotel freaked her out.
My manager responded by pointing out the age of the building and told the customer that next time they would probably be more comfortable staying at a Travelodge. We all laughed our heads off when we read that reply. We even had a guest check in a few weeks later who told me that he’d seen the manager's response to that review, and that it had convinced him to come and stay at the hotel.
60. A Wild Ride
When I was 16, I worked at the amusement park in my city. It wasn't a big one, but it wasn't small either. Most of our rides were aimed towards elementary school-aged children, though we had a few for the older kids as well. Anyways, I was a rides operator, and that day, I was assigned to a ride designed for older kids. We had to measure the kids, and they couldn't go on if they were under the height requirements no matter what, even if they had a parent with them.
It was a ride that only had a bar that went across your stomach, so someone too small could easily fall off. Entitled Mother and her entitled brat are in line, and I can already tell the kid is gonna be too short to ride without even having to measure him. He's pretty far back, so I know it's gonna be one or two runs before he makes it on.
So after I'm done loading, I tell the mom that her kid is too short for the ride and that they should go try the smaller version of it on the other side of the park. She looks at me with the dirtiest stare ever and just says: “We're gonna wait here.” Now, I have to run my ride because I need to meet certain times, so I don't argue. Time goes by and she's finally at the start of the line.
I measure her kid, and of course he's like 6 inches shorter than the height requirements. Me: I'm sorry ma'am, but your child is too short to ride this ride. I would recommend going over to the smaller version near the entrance of the park, though. He: No, it's fine, I'm with him. I'll hold him. She tries to shove me out of the way, but I'm standing my ground.
Me: I'm really sorry ma'am, but we don't allow people under the height limit to ride this ride. The safeties we have on it just won't hold someone too small, and your kid could fall off. She then asks to speak to my manager. I get asked that quite a lot by entitled parents, so I give them a call and tell her to wait on the side while I load my ride.
She gets very offended, saying that she shouldn't have to wait longer for her kid to ride this ride because I couldn't do my job, and at this point I just kind of ignore her and move on. Ride runs, my team lead gets there and talks with her. He tells her that he's really sorry but that I'm right, her child can't ride this ride. Now at this point, the brat is throwing a tantrum.
I mean, he's rolling on the concrete like a piece of bacon in a frying pan. I'm trying my hardest not to laugh at this point. Anyways, my lead apologizes, offers her a "skip the line" ticket for the ride he's allowed to go on at the entrance, and leaves. The mom is trying to calm down the kid and starts talking to him. He gets up, all smiling and happy, and stands next to the gates, watching me.
Now I'm not thinking too much of this at this point, so I start loading my ride again, which has a significantly less busy line and I have a couple of empty seats on it. As I'm doing my security checks and getting ready to run it, the mom taps me on the shoulder and thanks me for my help, which I found extremely odd. I turn around to tell her that it's really no problem, and she starts apologizing and telling me that she shouldn't have acted the way she did and blah blah blah.
I'm completely stunned, not really sure how to react, but I tell her it's no problem and to enjoy the rest of her day. I look back at my ride, and realize the brat isn't standing next to the fence anymore. I'm starting to get weird vibes. I look around for him and he's not anywhere to be seen. I look at the mom again, who has her phone out with her camera pointing at the ride, and that's when I knew.
I take my keys out of the ride and start walking towards it. It's kind of a "swing" type of thing so I couldn't see the back from where I was standing, but I knew darn well the brat had snuck on. The mom starts panicking, asking me what I'm doing and why I'm not running the ride. I completely ignore her and walk to the back of the ride, and lo and behold, the kid is sitting there.
He almost pees himself when he sees me walking towards him. He didn't have the bar properly locked AT ALL and would've flown right out as soon as I started the ride. Now I'm mad, and I mean mad. I mean, I could've gone behind bars for manslaughter right then and there. I just look at him and very sternly tell him to get off my ride.
He tells me he can't and he needs help, which is fair. I don't even know how he managed to get on in the first place, but I grab him and put him down, and he starts sprinting towards his mom, crying. As he's running, he trips and falls down on his face. When he gets up, his nose is all bloody and his knees are skinned, which is when I knew I was completely and utterly screwed.
The mom starts screaming like a banshee at the sight. As I'm running towards the kid to make sure he's okay and to help him up, she runs towards me, slaps me hard across the face, and starts yelling for security. I'm absolutely and completely stunned at this point. Some security guards must've heard her screaming at the top of her lungs because they come running.
The exchange goes something like this. Guard: What's going on here? Mom: This girl attacked my son! She threw him off the ride into the pavement! Me: Excuse me??? Brat: It's true!! She punched me too. Guard: Do you want us to call the authorities? Mom: Yes! You need to arrest her!! She's mentally unstable. I'm just dumbfounded at this point.
My lead gets to the ride and asks what the heck is going on, and I tell him everything that happened in between sobs. There's one thing the mom forgot to take into account, though. There were like 15 people on the ride who saw everything. So they tell the officers and the security guards and my lead and everyone else what happened.
The mom quickly realized her error, as she just started running with her kid in tow as soon as she saw people asking the other guests questions. They caught her pretty quickly, and I pressed assault charges against her. Needless to say, I handed in my resignation that same day.
61. Spicing Things Up A Bit
I don’t work in a restaurant or a typical retail type of store, but this story does have to do with a customer service incident in relation to selling food. The place I work for is a 24-hour shop, so we are always open regardless of what time of day or night it is. On this one particular occasion, a customer comes in at around midnight, looking for a specific product.
She was something like 65 years old or so and super grouchy, yelling irrationally about how she wants this certain extremely specific thing to cook a dish. We didn’t have it in stock, and as far as I was aware no other store did either. It didn’t even exist locally. It was some super specific, uncommon foreign spice thing.
I don’t even remember exactly what it was called anymore, as this story happened well over a decade ago at this point. Anyway, eventually, after several minutes of this woman’s ranting and raving, our assistant store manager comes up, smiles, and asks if he can be of assistance. We hadn’t even called for him or anything.
He just heard her from all the way in the back of the store and thought he should see what the heck was going on. He asks what she wants and she repeats her ridiculous demands. He politely apologizes and tells her: “No, unfortunately, that’s a product that we don’t carry, but [alternate local grocer that’s also open 24/7] does. It’s just up the street about a mile or so.”
She thanks him, and leaves. I ask him about it, knowing that it was clearly a lie, and he says, “No, of course they don’t have it, this woman is clearly out of her mind. But now it’s that store’s problem and not mine.” Can’t argue with that! I’ve always wondered what might have happened when she arrived at the other store and discovered they didn’t have it either. But I guess I’ll never know!
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62. Dinner And A Show
I was a customer in this case, but I witnessed the whole thing. I was waiting for my to-go order of fried chicken one night and I overheard this crazy redneck jerk giving his waitress a hard time because his fried chicken was unsatisfactory and “not like mama used to make.” The waitress literally just stared at him silently for a few moments, then told him to go make it himself if he didn’t like it the way we made it.
She then triumphantly walked off, and the guy just sat there with a stupid look on his face not knowing what to say or do. And then every single person in the restaurant erupted with applause and cheers.
63. Cracking The Code
I once had a customer harassing me over a product that he had bought and wanted to return. He had no receipt, it was well over the return date, and he claimed he had paid for it in cash, so there was no paper trail or evidence of the transaction whatsoever. I told him that the return policy was only valid within 30 days of the purchase, and that he also had to have a receipt in order to receive a refund.
Him: “You’re just paid to say that.” Me: “As a matter of fact, I am paid to say that. That’s how jobs work!” He didn’t know what to say. But I never saw his scamming butt in the store again!
64. Nickle And Diming
I used to work for a grocery store in high school as a cashier. One busy Saturday, an older lady came through my long line with about $150 worth of groceries. Among her items was a prepackaged piece of meat from our deli department that is normally priced by weight. Her meat did not have a printed sticker on the package and I would've needed to find a bag boy or manager to run to the deli to get it priced.
Because we were super busy, I decided to wing it, and set it on my scale. "Looks like it's almost a pound, so...let's say...$2.77? Does that sound fair?" I began to ring it as a miscellaneous item. Her answer sent a shiver through my spine. "No it does NOT sound fair!" she yelled in a screeching voice. "You need to get that priced!" Groans from the line began behind her, as I found a bag boy to run to get the price sticker.
A manager came by to see what the commotion was about and the lady explained the situation. I explained why I had made the decision I made. The manager of course stuck up for the lady (which we laughed about later) and she accepted the apology. We then waited for what seemed like an eternity of eye-contact avoidance and thumb twiddling.
The bag boy came back and handed me the pork. I smirked and showed her the price. "$2.78. Huh, I would've saved you a penny!" The man behind her chortled. Never saw her again.
65. Now That’s What I Call A Corny Reaction
As the owner, I love this story. I used to own a concession business, selling various novelty food items like kettle corn, shaved ice, etc. One of our weekly shows was very busy. So busy, in fact, that we pretty much had 50 or more customers in line for the entire day, without any break. Admittedly, the wait for our items took a bit, due to these extremely long lines.
However, my staff and I busted our butts like there was an electric cord shoved up our rear ends to give people service as quickly as possible. Nevertheless, this one guy is non-stop whining. I can hear him from 20 people away. So I wait. Once he's just a few people away from the front, I turn to my staff and say, "Time to shut off the equipment!"
The equipment was loud, so turning it off created an odd silence. With there still being more than 50 people in line, I turn to the guy—and left him utterly humiliated. I say loud enough for everyone in line to hear. "Sir, I'm not sure if you noticed how hard my staff is working to get you your kettle corn as quickly as possible. Perhaps, you have some suggestions for us to make it go faster for you."
I can't remember if he stayed, but everyone else in line clapped on behalf of my staff. The customer is NOT always right.
66. There’s Something Fishy About This
I live in a small town and I used to work in a fish and chips shop, one of two such shops in the town. We were a tourist town, and one of the main attractions was the award-winning fish and chips we boast. I believe our shop was one of the top five fish and chips shops in the county while I was there. People in the town believed we were in massive competition with the other shop, but the truth is we really weren't.
We had more than 25 staff members employed. They had around seven or eight in total. We were serving thousands more customers than them per week, or even per day in the summer. So, on the rare occasion when a customer got angry, they would simply exclaim “WELL, I’M GOING TO [INSERT SUPPOSED COMPETITORS NAME HERE] INSTEAD, AND I WON'T BE BACK!”
They said this as if it was a big deal and would really hurt our feelings and/or our business. We would simply reply by telling them that we don't want them back anyway, and that they should enjoy the food from the other shop. There’s also one little interesting detail that we generally chose not to tell them in these situations. We owned both shops.
67. Down To A Science
We don’t use trays at the restaurant I work at. Instead, you just take what you can carry and go back for the rest, or have someone follow you. I usually just carry one item in each hand so I don’t risk dropping things when delivering customers’ items to their tables. Pretty often, I’ll immediately hear “Uhhh, we’re missing [insert random item here]” in a condescending or rude way.
99% of the time, these comments are from older people. I just always politely say, without missing a beat, “Ma’am [or sir]. I only have two hands.” Not especially creative or a witty clapback, but it always shuts them up fast and gives me a nice sense of satisfaction. Why do people have to be so rude to the staff that’s trying to serve them?
68. Take A Picture, It’ll Last Longer
I worked at a photo printing lab, and we got people in all the time who claimed we were stupid and had messed up their pictures. One woman had us print 800 vacation pictures. They were bad quality, dark, and out of focus. Basically a nightmare to work with. But that wasn’t all. When she came to pick them up, she insisted that we had ruined them, that they were perfect in her camera, and that she had a very expensive camera and so there was no way the pictures could be dark or out of focus.
We finally gave her her money back, even though we had done nothing wrong and were out a lot of time and paper. She called us 30 minutes later and told us she was at a store across town, and they had reprinted all of her pictures and they were beautiful, in focus, and nice and bright. I had to tell her that the same person who owned our store also owned the store across town, and that not only would it have taken that store several hours to reprint 800 pictures, but their printer was down that day, so they couldn't have printed anything. She hung up on me.
69. Freebie Fiasco
At the pizza shop where I worked, we used to do a “buy one large get one free” deal on Tuesdays. This deal was stackable, so it was always hectic. One week, the deal changed to “any large pie for $15.” They were generally between $20 and $24. One woman was irate, yelling about how we would lose so much business by not giving out the free pizza.
She said she knew people who couldn’t afford meals but come to us on Tuesdays and that she will now never come back. I smiled, because I knew exactly what was coming. She came back the next week and even pre-ordered.
70. Born This Way
My best friend and I were on a beach, just chilling. Now, my best friend is on the big-breasted side of the spectrum. So, bikinis are a nightmare to her. She is always stared at, and that makes her really uncomfortable. Anyway, we were in a more secluded part of the beach, and we had already swum and decided to sit a bit. When we come back to our chairs, a family has settled down near us.
The mom was in her late 30s and the dad was in his early 50s. They had a child with them, a boy about nine years old. We didn't pay any mind to them, we just sat on our chairs and talked for a bit. I noticed the dad of the family looking at my friend, but shrugged it off. Soon, I decide to pick something to drink (there was a bar nearby) and I asked my friend if she wanted something.
She asked me for a lemonade. I go to the bar and see the mother of the family coming near me. I waited in line until the woman comes to talk to me. Her: "Hi, I saw that you and your friend are nearby me and my family." I just nodded to her. Her: "I think your friend is really beautiful, but she is showing too much cleavage."
I looked at her, trying to think of how to respond to this. Me: “Well, she can't be faulted for being born with a big chest can she?" She looked at me like she was expecting me to agree with her, and was now shocked. Her: "Well, she could try not wearing a bikini that small!" She said this with a somewhat annoyed voice. Me: "She can do whatever she wants, lady."
She turned red at that. I don't think that this woman had ever heard someone disagree with her before. Her: “My child will be traumatized!" I looked back to where my friend is sitting, and I have a clear view of her and the family. This woman’s child is making sandcastles, while her husband is staring hard at my friend, who was putting on sunscreen at the time.
So, the problem was not her child, it was her husband. Me: "Well I can't do much lady, now please leave me alone." I picked up my drinks and ignored the woman. She wasn't happy about it, though. Her: “Don't you dare ignore me young man, I'm not finished." I just look at her and took a sip of my drink before saying, "Lady, your kid isn't even looking at my friend, your husband on the other hand..."
I pointed at her husband who was staring at my friend with hungry eyes. She looked shocked. I go to my friend, give her her drink and sit beside her, all while watching as the wife comes back and furiously whispers to her husband. Not long after, my friend and I decided to leave. I didn't tell my friend about the crazy lady, she has enough confidence issues. At least I didn't see this family ever again.
71. For Karen And Country
I joined the army right out of high school. During basic training, I volunteered for a unit known as The Old Guard, which is responsible for ceremonies in the DC area and funerals in Arlington National Cemetery, amongst other duties. It consists of units you may have heard of, such as the US Army Drill Team and the Sentinels of the Tomb of the Unknowns.
So it's the 4th of July in DC. Big celebration, all kinds of stuff going on. I'm sure you can picture it. Most of the celebration goes on in front of the Capitol on the National Mall. As part of the festivities, my unit, the Presidential Guns Salute Battery, fires the bass line for the performance of the 1812 overture. Only the more seasoned guys in the platoon get picked to do it, so the rest of us are given a cordoned-off area in the very front.
We bring some food, some chairs, our families, and we have a cookout during the day and watch the show when it starts. During the earlier parts of the day, it isn't too crowded, but as evening draws near it becomes packed, nearly shoulder-to-shoulder. Fortunately, as I mentioned before, we had our own area at the front roped off from the general public, giving us ample room to have our cookout.
Throughout the day, we would have people politely ask if they could join us, we said no but were always respectful. We weren't in uniform, but we had our unit T-shirts on so we were still representing the army. Enter Karen. It's midway through the afternoon, still a few hours before the show. We're enjoying the weather and the time off.
I happened to be near the edge of our area when I hear someone behind me. I turn around and there she is, pinched face and a haircut that says “I want to speak with your manager's manager.” Karen: Excuse me young man, could you ask your father to take this rope down? This is supposed to be a public area for everyone and my kids can't see the Capitol.
Mind you, there are signs hanging on the rope every five feet explaining the purpose of the rope. Me: (with my best PR smile) I'm sorry ma'am, this area is reserved for members of The Old Guard and their families. If you'd like to come back a little closer to dusk, we'll be taking the rope down around then. Karen: The Old Guard? I've never heard of that before.
Me: (always happy to drop knowledge) Ma'am, We are the primary ceremonial unit for the US Army and escort to the President of the US of A. Karen: I don't see the president. Shouldn't you be escorting him or something then? rolls eyes Me: Uhh.... (I had no idea how to respond to that, fortunately, I was saved.) Platoon Sergeant: (Places hand on my shoulder) Good afternoon ma'am, I'm Sergeant First Class Guyincharge, what seems to be the problem?
As I knew this was my cue to get out, I went back to my chair and observed their interaction. Couldn't hear anything, but the interaction concluded with Karen walking away looking annoyed. Didn't think anything else of it…until about two hours later. We're cleaning up our trash, breaking down the chairs and tables and such. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Karen approaching again.
This time she has two Capitol officers in tow. My sergeant must have noticed too, as I heard him mutter "what in the heck?” under his breath as he walked to intercept the trio. Again, I didn't hear all of the conversation, but we all heard about it later. Sergeant: Officers, what seems to be the problem? Officers: (Obviously exasperated by the situation) Sergeant Guyincharge, we received a report that you and your group were making lewd gestures and comments towards this woman's family. Is there any truth to this?
Sergeant: Absolutely not. I’ve been supervising them all day, nothing even close to that has happened today. Offices: (nodding as though this was what they expected) We had assumed that, but we had to follow up. Sorry to bother you. Karen: You mean you’re going to just let them sit there and hog up all of the space!? I drove my kids nine hours to see this!!!!!
Officers: Ma'am, these men are here with the express permission of the District of Columbia. There are signs there (points to a sign not three feet away) that explicitly state that. Sergeant: (trying to diffuse the situation) Ma'am, we're cleaning up our area right now. As soon as we are done we will be removing the rope to let everyone in. If you can be patient and wait, we can get you and your family right up front here in about 20 minutes.
Karen proceeded to stare at them, much like a cow stares at an incoming train. Then she spun around and walked away without another word. We think it's all over, we go back to what we were doing. We were wrong. We're just finishing up, taking the ropes off of the pylons and stacking the pylons in the arms of another dude in the platoon.
Out of nowhere, here comes Karen, trailed by her four children and obviously stressed spouse. "It's about time! Get out of my way!" Karen all but screams as she goes barreling right through Private Anotherguy. Now, to be in The Old Guard, you have to be between 5' 10" and 6' 4" and maintain the army standard of physical fitness. To add to that, we are an infantry unit.
If you aren't aware, the infantry is generally the front-line combat, and we are trained for just that. So, suffice to say, none of us were small, nor weak. Karen was probably around 180ish. So when I say she barreled through this dude, I mean it. She put some force into it. Anotherguy goes sprawling to the ground, steel pylons fly in every direction.
A couple hit him in the face, and he chipped a tooth and split his eyebrow open. One pylon bounces off the ground and hits one of Karen's children in the leg. The kid, probably 12 or 13, starts wailing like he lost a limb. As we are helping Anotherguy to his feet, Karen is losing every last ounce of her mind. Red-faced, screaming about how she's going to sue us for assault, how we've ruined her family vacation blah blah blah......
At this point, the sergeant is done with her. If Karen thought she was being loud, she quickly learned there are few things louder than a ticked-off senior NCO. With a single word, he quieted everyone within 50 feet of us. Sergeant: STOP! (paused for dramatic effect) THAT IS ENOUGH. YOU HAVE BEEN HARASSING ME ALL AFTERNOON. WE HAVE TRIED TO BE NICE, WE HAVE TRIED TO BE RESPECTFUL. YOU HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT RUDE. NOW YOU'VE INJURED ONE OF MY MEN. THIS. STOPS. NOW!
I think Karen might have had a small stroke right then. She stood, mouth agape, not able to utter a single word. And then, as if right on cue, here come those two Capitol officers. They hadn't been far away and had seen the entire incident. I didn't think Karen's eyes could get any wider, until the first officer pulled out a pair of cuffs and said, "Ma'am turn around and put your hands behind your back. You are under arrest for assault and harassment."
She tried every excuse she could think of, but the officers were having exactly none of it. They talked to Anotherguy, and he wanted to press charges, so they carted her off. I don't know what the father did with the kids, they disappeared when the officers took Karen. Come to find out after Anotherguy comes back from the court hearing that Karen had been carrying three bottles of pills that weren't hers, plus two credit cards that weren’t hers either.
No idea what kind of time she got, but it wasn't enough. After all was said and done, we watched the 1812 overture and laughed about Karen for weeks afterward. Anotherguy was fine, a chipped tooth and a little bit of bruising. Nothing major, fortunately.
72. Check, Please!
I used to be a server in Muskoka, Ontario many years ago. For those who don’t know, this is one of the most popular upscale summer cottage regions in Canada. There are always lots of celebrities in the area for the summer, and in my day I served burgers to Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, drinks to Martin Short and Dan Akroyd, and got to meet many other big names.
One time, I had a local nobody at one of my tables who thought he was a big-shot celebrity. He would never tip and would always crumple up both copies of the Visa bill into a tiny little ball—but that’s not the worst part. He would even chew on it the receipts until they were the size of a spitball. So this jerk comes in with a bunch of friends and treats them all to supper, running up a $600 bill.
He then crumples up the Visa bills again into a tiny little ball and flicks it at me with a grin on his face. I swiftly kick it off the patio and it falls into the lake our patio is on. He sees this and says in front of the whole table, "I guess you won't know what your tip is now!" I tell the whole table flat out that he never tips anyway, so no big loss.
I then walk away, leaving them to awkwardly digest what I had just said. But I didn’t stop there. Eventually, they left. At that moment, I immediately called the authorities and reported him on a “dine and dash” claim, because there is no evidence that this guy paid for his dinner since the receipt was in the lake now. I even deleted the pre-authorization from the debit machine, just for good measure.
So a bunch of officers show up at this guy's house and make him return to the restaurant to pay again. He was never a jerk to me ever again.
73. X Marks The Spot
I’ve never worked at a restaurant, but I used to work as a parking attendant in the garage at a local ski resort. I was occasionally allowed to clap back at rude customers, which was always nice to know. The best one went like this. Guy: “Why can't I just park there?” Me: “Because we have a bunch of school buses full of kids coming later and we need to reserve this space for them.”
Guy: “But I'm a good driver. C'mon, there's no parking anywhere else!" Me: “Yes, there is. You'll just have to walk a little bit further from your car to get to the elevator.” Guy: “But I don't want to do that!" Me: “Too bad.” I then left briefly to go to the bathroom, and came back to find the guy and his family getting ready and unloading their equipment from their car—which was parked exactly where I told them they were not allowed to.
When the guy saw that I had returned, he gave me a little smirk, as though he had somehow outsmarted me. Without breaking eye contact, and without saying a word, I immediately filled out a parking ticket and placed it on his windshield right in front of him and his family. Guy: “Hey, what the heck are you doing, man?” Me: “Move your car now, or I’ll tow it too.”
And that was the end of that situation!
74. Phoning It In
I'm a half-black woman who grew up in a ghetto and worked hard through high school to earn a scholarship and full ride through college. I now work a very decent job and make a reasonable amount of money, which I'm not afraid to show off, though I do maintain my ghetto heritage. Naturally, racism is a touchy subject for me. So here I am minding my own business in a local coffee place answering some emails on my new Samsung note 10.
It’s my day off so I'm not dressed particularly well. Hoodie, sweatpants, you know the deal. I noticed that this entitled mother and her kid are staring at me. Not a big deal especially since this is an upper-class area and I'm, well me, and with my demeanor. Eventually, they walk over to me and the mother says, "You! Where did you get that?"
ME: "Um, I bought it?" HER: "How?" ME: "How do you think?" HER: "People like 'you' can't afford phones like that, you must have taken it.” At this point, I'm sort of in shock and speechless. She follows up with: "I should report you to the authorities, but I'm willing to let this go if you hand the phone over to my precious baby son, now!"
ME: "Why would I do that?" HER: "Because you took it and don't deserve it!" ME: "You're not getting my phone.” At this point, the manager walks over after noticing the situation and tries to calm everyone down. Manager: Ma'am, I need you to keep it down. This is a coffee shop." HER: "THIS WOMAN TOOK MY SON’S PHONE. Manager: "Wait what?" HER: "I want a full refund, my phone back, and some compensation."
Manager: (to me) "Ma'am, you need to give her the phone back or I'm calling the authorities.” ME: "But it's my phone." HER: "THAT'S MY SONS PHONE.” Manager: "Ma'am, that's clearly not your phone.” At this point, the kid is screeching. I can't really make out what he's saying but he's reaching for my phone. Having dealt with this stuff all my life, I began to go off at all three of them so naturally officers were called.
The officers immediately apprehended me (and only me) and confiscated my phone. They also took the mother’s kid’s, and manager’s statements before taking mine last. All three of them told the officer an exaggerated version of events. At this point, you'd have thought I was some homeless Black person who'd just mugged a 13-year-old if you believed the story they told.
I gave them my statement and told them I would refuse to cooperate any further until they checked the security footage. The coffee shop refused to let them check since as far as they were concerned, it was clear I was a thief and I'd been apprehended, so what's the point? Eventually, the security footage was checked, and everything became very awkward after that.
The officers awkwardly apologized and even went out of their way to make excuses. None of the coffee shop staff actually said anything to me once I was apprehended. Guess I'm not going back there now. The kid never stopped screeching even as I left after being released, and the mother seemed completely unfazed by the security footage and continued to claim that I must have taken it from someone else because “my type” can't afford those phones.
So that was another day off ruined by entitled parents and racial profiling. I wish I could say I was surprised by the absolute gall of that woman, but to be honest, I've experienced so many of these situations nothing surprises me anymore.
75. Owning It
I used to work at a restaurant chain that started about 15 or 20 years back and has about 15 stores in total. People all the time would complain and release their vague threat "I know Tommy! (The owner, guy who started the chain) Do I have to call him to get some good service?" It came from so many people, but we had to put up with it because that's what you do in the restaurant business.
But one time when this happened, Tommy was actually in the restaurant. He would come in once every couple months or so and just act like a regular customer, just to kinda evaluate how things were running from a non-owner perspective (of course everything magically went smoother for him than any other customer, imagine that). Anyway, this lady (that had been a total witch the entire night) starts complaining, talking about how her meal was cold or bad or whatever, even though she had powered through 4/5ths of it.
She wants her money back for this atrocity! And then she drops the bombshell. “I know Tommy! He wouldn’t stand for this!” The only thing was, Tommy was sitting almost directly behind her, and pretty obviously didn’t know her, and she didn’t recognize him. After getting a bit of the old discreet “Go ahead” nod from him, I just said, “Ma’am, Tommy is in the restaurant right now. If you could just point him out I’d be glad to let him know what you think of his restaurants.”
She stammered, gave the, "No he's not, I would've seen him!" until the owner stood up and said hello. He put on the kind of sickly sweet personality, where you're ever so polite but a total dick at the same time. She shut up and paid pretty quickly after that.
76. This Comes Right From The Top
I used to work in an old family-owned gas station/garage in a small town in the middle of nowhere. Since it was family owned, about 90% of the business came from regulars who had either business accounts or got their families’ cars fixed at the shop (and had for generations on both sides). As such, the random passers-by getting gas on their way to and from cities on either side of the town made up a mostly negligible amount of business.
The gas station side of the business made up maybe 2% of the business, and of that maybe .5% was non-regulars. So my boss couldn't care less about some of the annoying customers who came in. One day we got a particularly witchy soccer mom. This was during the summer a few years ago, so the gas was very high compared to the rest of the year.
She was convinced that our pumps were purposely calibrated incorrectly so that less gas was pumped. Her proof was that she always got $XX.XX in gas and it always went to XX% full. Well we had just had our equipment recalibrated for the year and knew it was all good. She kept complaining to me about it, and being a high schooler I didn't care, either.
But I kept up appearances and was polite, kept telling her that we had just had our pumps calibrated. She didn't care and kept complaining. Eventually she asked for the manager. But I knew something she didn’t. The office was right behind the counter, and my boss was in there listening the whole time. As soon as she asked for him, he simply yelled out “SCREW OFF!” And that was about it.
I just shrugged at her, and she left. My boss was awesome with jerk customers.
77. Subway Spinach Spat
I was working at Subway. One night we were running out of spinach. A guy dressed as a cowboy came in and ordered a foot-long. We got to the spinach, and the cowboy said, “I want a lot of spinach.” We were only supposed to put pinches on anyways, but this guy was used to me giving extra when my manager wasn’t around because I roll that way, but not today.
He demanded, “You’re gonna give me more than that.” I replied, “We’re running out of spinach today,” knowing a boomer tantrum was brewing. “Give me more,” he said, so I gave him pinches, but he wanted handfuls. The cowboy demanded, “I NEED MORE SPINACH THAN THAT, BOY.” I told him again, “Sir, we’re running out of spinach.”
He said, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I COME HERE AND THEY GIVE ME ALL THE SPINACH I WANT.” I told him, “Yeah, but other customers are gonna want spinach tonight, though.” He went on saying, “I've been coming here for years even though your prices keep going up. Why do the prices keep going up?” I told him I was just the cashier and didn’t know.
He told me I talked him out of a sale and asked for my manager’s number. I gave him mine. He left a message, and I just texted him back, “Yeehaw.”
Wikimedia Commons, Corey Coyle
78. The Queen’s English
This story took place five months ago. So my stepmom is British. Welsh, to be exact. For those who don't know, Wales is the little hump west of England and north of Cornwall. It's a beautiful place known for sheep. My stepmom is ethnically Welsh, but raised in England. Despite this, my Nain and Taid (Welsh for grandma and grandpa) insisted on her and her brother learning Welsh to preserve their heritage.
The Welsh are a proud people, and so they wanted to ensure their children were as immersed as they could be. So she grew up bilingual, went to university, got a job working for a certain tech giant, and moved to the US to help train their staff. A few years later, she met my dad and joined the family. At the time I was still getting over my mom, so her presence was less than welcome.
Despite this, my stepmom never pushed me or tried to buy her way in. She gave me the room I needed to grieve, and, when I was ready, showered me with enough affection to make up for the lost time. She has my eternal love and respect for it and has become my second mother. Now, we live in a large town in the mid-west, being west of the seaboard but east of the Mississippi, so while most people are open to outsiders, there's the usual few who just want to ruin everything.
Around Christmas time, I was visiting home from college with my girlfriend, Charlie, enjoying some quality girls' time with my stepmom. We were in the mall, searching for some place that sold plastic modeling glue for my dad (he's really into Warhammer). During this, my stepmom is on the phone with her brother, who still lives in the UK, catching up and sharing some laughs.
They were speaking Welsh to each other, which happened to offend a woman who has since earned the title of Karen. We were standing in front of the mall map, trying to find the hobby store when I heard a loud scoff from behind us. I turned to see a woman dressed in a rather nice-looking business suit corralling her kids away like they'd just encountered a streaker.
Now I was ready to let it go, but Charlie can get very defensive of people she likes, so she ended up calling her out. "Something offend you, ma'am?" The woman seemed to ponder her next move before responding with that oh so stupid phrase. "You're in America! When you're here, you speak English! Not Muslim! My kids don't need to hear that!"
Now, I've met some pretty stupid people in my life. Even dated one. But never, ever have I heard of someone confusing Welsh for Arabic (which is what I assumed she meant). They're two very different languages from two very different cultures. The only similarity between them is how little I understand them. However, for someone to be so offended by someone speaking another language, they probably also didn't immerse themselves too much in other cultures.
To her, the world probably began in New York and ended in Los Angeles. It was at this point that my stepmom hung up. "Now, I know that Americans get a bad rap and all," she said in an obvious British accent. "But it doesn't help when you actively conform to the stereotype." "Oh my God," Karen said with righteous indignation. "Your accent is awful! Where did you even learn to speak English?"
My stepmom held the most deadpan expression she could: "England." I swear I could smell the smoke coming from the flaming mess inside Karen's skull. She looked at Charlie and I (a pair of shockingly Caucasian college brats) and then my stepmom (our even paler chaperone), took a moment to process what she was doing, and then walked away, dragging a group of embarrassed looking tweens with her.
I have to give her credit. At least she knew when to quit. My stepmom chuckled, muttered an offensive-sounding Welsh phrase, and then helped us scan the map for the hobby shop. The rest of the day went well, and we had a funny story to tell my dad when we got back. To all the people out there who get offended when someone speaks another language: get over yourselves.
The world doesn't revolve around you. To all my bilingual friends out there who speak their native tongues: good for you. It's important to keep your culture alive. And to Karen: next time you try to accost someone for speaking something other than English, at least get the right continent.
79. She Complained, And I Chirped Right Back
I had recently bought a camping stove and wanted to test it out. I put in some little twigs, lit it up, and heated up some beeswax for a woodworking project. Two minutes after lighting it up, my nosy neighbor came out onto my driveway and started yelling at me, threatening to call the authorities. What she said made my blood boil: "It's summertime, and our doors are open.
“The smoke from your fire is entering our home and making black char marks on the wall; you're destroying our property. And you're also choking our parakeet. He can't breathe the smoke from your fire and is suffocating." The camp stove had a tiny flame and very little smoke. She was obviously exaggerating. I was annoyed but also found it comical.
I decided to take things up a notch. I told her to stop gossiping in the neighborhood and stop making problems where there weren't any. She started crying and sobbed to her husband, who then told me not to insult his wife. I told him that these were modern times and that women were equal to men. Hence, there was no need for him to finish a fight she started, especially since I did what she wanted and put the fire out.
80. I Wanted To Pan This Nini
I worked in a cafe on the Jersey Shore during the summer. A nice-looking woman, who was obviously one of the “summer people,” came in and asked me about our sandwiches. She wanted to know if they were paninis. I told her that we press them on a panini grill, but the bread is just sub bread, not the kind generally used for a panini.
She asked, "So, it's like a panini?" I said yes...but when she got her sandwich, she surprised me with her next move. She opened it up and threw it at me. She started screaming to speak to a manager. When he came out, she told him that I had lied to her and told her it was a panini, and she refused to pay and wanted me fired. The manager just quietly told her to get out of his store.
81. Mommy’s Little Monster
I was playing on a Minecraft server with five friends at the time this happened. This new kid joined our game and our Skype call. He kept breaking our builds and demanding we give him stuff. We originally decided to ban him, but we wanted to have some fun, so we kept just killing him. The Skype call was basically six guys laughing and a little kid screaming, calling us hackers.
We were talking on Skype when his mother called. "LET MY SON PLAY ON THE SERVER, YOU UNGRATEFUL JERKS.” "No," we all said at the same time. "MY HUSBAND IS A LAWYER AND HE WILL SUE YOU AND I WILL CALL THE AUTHORITIES FOR HARASSMENT!" "Shut up, lady!" "DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! MY SON DESERVES ALL YOUR ITEMS MORE THAN ALL OF YOU COMBINED!"
“Screw off, woman!" "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SWEAR! ONLY ADULTS ARE ALLOWED TO USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE!" One of us makes a Christian Minecraft server meme and she gets really angry. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY RELIGION! ALRIGHT. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?" We start making up addresses. "THAT'S IT! I'M LEAVING!" "About time." She left and blocked us. We still joke about that incident.
82. She Got A Doggone Sweet Surprise
I used to clean a local gymnastics facility on the weekends. The owner would rent out the place for birthday parties, and one of the coaches was always present for them. One weekend, I saw a car pull up about an hour before the party was to start. I was finishing cleaning the lobby, and we had no power as our lights were being replaced.
This woman came in and headed upstairs. About ten seconds later, she came STORMING down the stairs, got in my face, and started yelling, "WHY is there no power?! I'm supposed to set up for this party. HOW am I supposed to do that WHEN I CAN'T SEE WHAT I'M DOING?!" I was a little stunned and told her that, per the owner's policy, she couldn’t be in the building until the coach arrived.
Her face went purple. She yelled, "HOW DARE YOU TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN NOT DO! THE OWNER SAID I COULD BE HERE WHENEVER I WANTED. I WON'T TAKE THIS GARBAGE FROM SOME STUPID KID!" I said, "Fine, but your power won't be on for another 45 minutes. You might as well go wait in your car until the coach gets here."
She stomped off, tried to slam the door, and proceeded to try and call the owner. When the coach finally arrived, I told her what had happened and how she acted towards me. I also left a note for the owner and called her to inform her. I left the gym and went home for the night. The following day, I went in to get paid. The owner pulled me aside and told me I did everything right in that situation. Then I found out the whole story.
I found out that not only was that lady completely nasty to the coach as well, but that she didn't pay for the party, and she stayed a full hour longer than what was rented. Then, I got the best news possible. When the parents were all inside, her dog had gotten into the cake that was in her car and ate about half of it. Her reaction was deranged.
She then said, "Oh, we can still use it. We'll just cut around the parts the dog ate." 40 minutes later, she came running back into the gym, grabbed a bunch of paper towels, and returned to her car. Within the time that she brought the cake inside to the time she went back out, her dog had pooped and puked EVERYWHERE in her car—on the seats, floors, armrests, even the dashboard. This car was COVERED in poo and vomit.
83. Stay In Your Lane
I lived in an apartment complex with assigned spots, and every day this person in a white Civic encroached into my parking spot. So every day I was parking closer and closer to her car. I was getting good at parking close enough to her, without hitting her. One day I was walking to my car to head out to work, and I saw her climbing through her passenger side door to get into her car, cursing up a storm.
She saw me, we locked eyes as she was climbing over her middle console. She started her car and drove away. Since that incident, she has stayed in between the lines of her own parking spot.
84. No Connection
A very grumpy high-society woman came to the store saying her brand new 3,000-dollar Microsoft surface bought by her husband was defective because she could not get internet when she was on the move. I quickly realized she was talking about Wi-Fi, so I tried explaining to her how Wi-Fi actually works. Boy, was that a mistake!
I told her that she could not use her Wi-Fi outside her house, but that she could share her smartphone internet connection. She would have none of it. She said I was lying to her and making fun of her. She even asked to speak to my manager, who then proceeded to tell her the exact same thing, almost to the word. She left screaming.
85. Life Is A Box Of Chocolates
This conversation ended with a customer throwing a large bag of Lay’s Sour Cream and Onion potato chips at my head. It was a woman who came into the store looking to buy a box of chocolates. But there was one huge problem. She didn’t have any money. So this customer proposed that she take the chocolates now and come back later to pay when she had money.
“Do you expect me to go all the way home and bring back the money?” she asked. I said, “Yes, because other than that it’s called shoplifting and we will call security.” “But I need these,” she pleaded. I just said no. That’s when the chips started flying.
Shutterstock
86. Putting Your Worst Foot Forward
My mom is a neat freak. Like, a really serious one. The first house she bought with my dad had white carpet in every room except the bathrooms and kitchen. Snow-white carpet. It was perfect. That carpet was her baby and most of her waking hours were spent keeping it white. Nobody was allowed to wear shoes in the house, for obvious reasons.
A month into owning the house, some small appliance broke, so they called a repairman. When he came, my mom nicely asked him to take off his shoes. He hesitated and looked sort of awkward. This irritated my mom a bit. She thought, "It's my house, just take off your shoes." But she didn't say anything. Finally, he broke the silence and said, "Well, um, I guess I can hop."
She looked down and he was wearing a prosthetic leg. She was horrified and apologized profusely. "No, please, leave your shoe and leg on. I'm so sorry. It's so realistic!" Needless to say, he sheepishly walked in with both shoes on. She has told this story for the past 20 years now and cries nearly every time of laughter. "What are the chances I'd find the one handyman with a prosthetic leg to take his leg off?"
87. Room Service
For a full year, my college roommate secretly slept with my boyfriend while I was at class. I routinely took more than a full course load and was in math and science classes or study groups every morning. One day, I walked in to see a horrifying sight. They were just fully in the act after I came back early from a cancelled class.
I moved out. I was more angry at her than heartbroken. I also lost most of my friends through the breakup, and they stuck together for a good while. Fast forward five years later. Those two throw a crazy expensive engagement party at the guy's parents' beach house, which was attended by some still-mutual friends who told me everything.
At the party, she caught him sleeping with one of the waitresses from the catering company in a bathroom. They still got married. I feel a little bad for her despite the karma balance. She feels like she can't do better than being with a cheater.
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88. Sounds Wrong
My uncle is a deputy sheriff, and one time, he was at an airport speaking to my aunt over the phone in Spanish. Once he was done with his call, some nearby Karen who overheard him went up to him and started demanding to see his green card. Huge mistake. My uncle decided to mess with her and said he didn't know what a green card was.
He told her he had never even heard of it. She became more upset and kept demanding to see it. He messed with her more and then eventually went, "Well, I don't have a green card, but I have this," then brought out his wallet and showed her his badge. She immediately walked away while my uncle just kept laughing at her.
89. Every Office Needs An Otis
A while back I was working in an office that allowed dogs. It was an open floor plan and since customers never came into the office, we kept the dog food and water bowls right by the front door, just because it was the most convenient space and no one else would see them but us who worked there. Of the six of us who worked in the main office area, I was the only one who didn’t have a dog and I always felt horribly left out.
To make matters worse, across the way was a doggie daycare. One day, a very frantic woman came in and she had an absolutely massive Basset Hound with her. Usually, the only people who came into the office were associates who had appointments with someone working there, but it was rare they brought their dogs. She ran up to me and said, “Do you work here?”
I said, “Yes, how can I help you?” And she said, “I wasn’t sure if you took walk ins but I read online I could just drop him off? I tried to call but no answer.” I didn’t know what she was talking about at that point and I said, “Come again? Who did you call exactly?” Thinking if I could just saddle her off to whoever she came to see, I wouldn’t have to decipher her problem.
She said, “Well it doesn’t matter now. Look, something urgent has come up and I really need to leave him here. Here’s his food he likes and I’ll be back in a few hours and—" At this point I wasn’t thinking of the doggie daycare. I thought maybe she was a friend of someone here. I said, “Well alright, can I get your name please?” And she said her name and then asked if I needed her to sign anything.
I was so confused at this point I just said, “Why would I need you to sign something?” And she left almost immediately. So I took Otis (the dog) to the back and showed him to my coworkers and no one knew the woman or dog. I was worried she wouldn’t come back, but at the same time, my wish for an office dog had been granted! And Otis was supremely chill.
All he did all day was lie around and drool onto his own ears. I just freshened him up every now and then, took him out every couple hours, and he was happy as a clam on a big cushy dog bed we thankfully had an extra of. He just loved attention from anywhere he could get it. At the end of the day the woman, thank God, came back. She said, “Thanks, you’re a lifesaver. How was he?”
I said, “He was a champ.” And was about to say “But why is he here” when she said, “That’s a relief. Most kennels say he gets anxious around other dogs. I heard you operated at a much higher capacity, I was thrilled to see you had so few clients in the room at one time. So, how much do I owe?” It honestly took me this long to realize what had happened.
She thought we were the dog daycare. Now, I probably should’ve corrected her. But I loved my day with the office dog and I did want to get paid for supervising this strange dog all day. I just threw out the number that sounded fair and appropriate “That’ll be $20.” I said. She replied “Reaalllly?!” In this very high tone, and I couldn’t tell if I’d overshot or undershot.
But she paid me and left. My coworkers were laughing hysterically when they realized what had happened and we thought it would just be a good story for the future. Wrong. The next week...she came back! She said we were so much more affordable and less overcrowded than her other place, and that she was happy to use us. I was glad for the company so just took him.
I didn’t think there was any way she couldn’t have at least some idea we weren’t a dog daycare. The whole ordeal was so strange I just figured, “don’t question a good thing.” I was much younger and dumber then. Not long after, Otis started getting dropped off two, sometimes even three or four days a week. I was in heaven. He was such a love. And he made fast friends with the delivery guys and visitors.
One day, we took our office Christmas card photo and Otis was over that day, so we included him. In a Santa hat. It was pretty great. But it turns out Otis’ owner was friends with one of our clients who I guess happened to have the card out on her table or was kind enough to display it alongside her other holiday cards. Because one day, Otis’ owner came in holding the card and walked up to me and said, “I can’t even believe I’m asking this but... is that my dog in this photo? This isn’t a dog daycare at all. This is just an office, isn’t it.” I froze in my tracks.
She said it with a note of surprise, as though she was looking around and putting it all together for the first time. No coincidence that this was the first time she wasn’t in some crazy rush either. She was like, “Then who are all these other dogs?!” And I explained. I was terrified she was going to demand her money back, or worse, take some sort of action against us for misrepresenting ourselves as a dog care business, or complain to corporate.
Instead, she basically said, “Why didn’t you ever say anything!” And I explained we just really liked having Otis around. She stopped for a minute and seemed to be thinking and said, “Is that right?” And I said yes and told the story of how I was the only one in the office without a dog so loved the company. She seemed a little flummoxed or hesitant, understandably, because the whole thing was so weird.
She turned to my coworker and asked if I was telling the whole truth. I don’t know why she thought my coworker, also a stranger to her, was any more trustworthy than me, but hey. Strange times. Coworker backed me up. So she said, “Well, I wish you’d said something sooner. Could’ve saved me a lot of embarrassment with my friend back there. Alright, I have to get going. See you at 4:00.” And she left Otis!
I couldn’t believe it! I said, “So he can stay?!” And she replied, “Where else could I find someone to watch him one on one all day for $20?” And off she went. Otis stayed my office dog until his family moved away, luckily right around the same time I took a new job.
90. It Just Looks Old
My husband’s mom is very ignorant and known to say really stupid things. Most recently, we were in Italy and she asked why they didn't just tear down the Colosseum because it looked so old. I was the definition of speechless. She wasn’t even physically there, she was just seeing it on social media! She doesn’t believe in leaving the United States because she thinks it is the best place, so she doesn’t need to see any other places. Honestly, everyone is probably better off that she stays where she is at!
91. That’s What Big Brothers Are For
When I was in the fifth grade, a lady grabbed my brother who was in the third grade by the neck. She picked him up and threw him three to four feet against the lockers. She was mad because he had pushed her child out of the way when her kid cut in line in front of him at the water fountain. I couldn't believe it. I just started going off on her.
I was calling her every name I could think of while following her out the door. I wasn’t using your standard fifth-grade insults. My dad was a Marine, and I was saying all the stuff I wasn’t supposed to have heard from him that I amassed over the years. I followed her and her kid out the front door and got to the circle where buses pulled in to pick up the kids.
Then, she turned around and came at me like she was trying to destroy me. There were no teachers around. They were all inside, trying to find out what was going on. It was just her and me, and I could see in her eyes that she was really going to hurt me. She grabbed me by the shoulders, picked me up, and shook me as hard as she could the whole time I was screaming.
Then I heard car breaks, and my mom football tackled her and beat the bejesus out of her. My mom had layers upon layers of that lady’s skin caked under her nails and bruised knuckles from punching her so hard. That night, I got ice cream for trying to protect my brother and was sent to bed early for saying the words I shouldn’t have.
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