Has this ever happened to you? You’ve been the butt of a joke at work or at school, but the only thing you could do was laugh uncomfortably. Well, these quick-witted Redditors not only came up with some of the greatest comebacks you’ll ever hear, but they came up with them right on the spot. Ouch! Take note because these one one-liners are absolutely priceless.
1. Burn At The Bar
While we were training in the UK army, we decided to grab a couple drinks. And you know how every group has this one dude who thinks he's irresistible to women? Well, our guy spotted a pretty lady at the bar and told us all to watch him work his magic. He walks up to the bar where the lady was and told her, "I've got the biggest package you'll ever see and I'll show you the best time ever".
The girl whips back, "Is it really that big?" He says sure is. Then she asks him if it reaches his butt. He, being the dude he is, responds, "Absolutely, it does". That's the moment she had him: "Awesome. Then you can go make love to yourself". The guy ran off like he's seen a ghost and we ended up buying the girl's drinks for the rest of the night and even hailed her as our hero.
2. Driving Her Point Home
So I was at the store with my girl, and she kinda brushed her cart against this older dude's. She said sorry, and the guy's like, "Ah, you know the deal with women drivers.” Quick as lightning, she shot back, “Sure, same as what they say about older drivers.” I zipped off quick, trying not to crack up. Never seen a pompous old guy look so shell-shocked.
3. Great Scott!
At the Scottish festival, this guy thought he'd be cute, and he asked a dude in a kilt: "What's underneath, bud?" Without missing a step, the performer replied, "Your mom's lipstick". Served him right! I burst out laughing and his friends did too.
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4. Double Your Fun
My husband was at the supermarket with our twin girls, about five, in the shopping cart. Having twins always attracts attention from random people. It's a bit annoying for all involved, even the kids. They don't always like the spotlight. Some stranger lady started talking up the girls.
One twin's a social butterfly and was cool with the convo, but her twin didn't really feel like it. The lady got annoyed and told our reserved twin "Your sister's way prettier than you". I couldn't believe it—but karma was coming. Smooth as butter, my little superstar stared straight back at her and shot back, "And you're way chunkier than my sister, too".
My guy just about bolted to the next aisle with the cart before he lost it laughing.
5. Memorable Meeting
I used to work in tech. Usually someone would ring me up right before their big presentations asking to connect their laptop to our meeting room system. I can't even count how many times I've been under pressure in the middle of a meeting trying to make this happen. Once, the devices absolutely refused to communicate with each other, in a room full of all our staff no less.
Finally, it was showtime and the presentation needed to be on the big screen. I shook my head at the guy to signal the connection failure. Then he blurted out, "So Marv, you can't get it up?" Mortified, I mumbled, "But not like THAT though!" The whole office busted out laughing and nobody ever let him forget it.
6. Mom Knows Best
I casually asked my mom what she'd do if she ever found a used rubber in my bro's room. Her answer cracked me up. She said, "I'd tell him he ain't catching HIV from his own hand". Just to clear things up, we live in South Africa and HIV is pretty widespread here.
7. Them Fightin’ Words
Two neighbors (this young couple who were renting) took their spat out to the lawn. They screamed at each other around for good 15 mins. Here's how it wound up: Her: "But you totally hooked up with my mom!" Him: "Hey, you were cool when she shelled out $500 for it!"
Not particularly a clever clapback, but me and the guy next door, who'd come for the show, both agreed it hit the high note of their fight.
8. Get Shorty
There's this small guy I work with at the factory. There's another guy who'd always rib him. For the most part, the little guy took it on the chin. But one day, he'd had enough. Big guy's like, "Want me to lift you to wash your hands?" The little dude turns to a different guy and goes, "Can you lift me so he can kiss my butt?" I just lost it, man.
9. Unsolicited Advice
I swear this happening. I was queuing at Safeway and this guy ahead of me was busy on a call, with his kid right there. The lady behind him goes, "You should be chatting with your son, it's Father's Day". Just like that he's like, "Catch you later, dad" and ends the call. Man, the expression on that grump's face was worth a million bucks.
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10. Irish Eyes Are Smiling
I love this Chicago pub, Galway Bay, with a bunch of Irish bartenders and a mix of tourists. When a tourist hears an Irish accent, they're quick to say, "I've been to Ireland. It's so cool. Where you from exactly?" Bartender: "From (somewhere), but moved around a bit".
Tourist: "My great-grandpa was from (different place). He was a blacksmith. You know what that is?" Bartender, a little annoyed by the boring chat: "Yeah, they make horseshoes". Tourist: "Ever made any?" Bartender: "Never made a horseshoe, but did tell a donkey to buzz off once".
11. Who Wears The Pants?
My buddy got pantsed - underwear too - at a party. Rather than pulling his clothes back up, he just kept chillin', full frontal on display. Us who know him had a good laugh, while newbies to the crew definitely looked shell-shocked by his pants-down, goods-out attitude.
The party thrower, our friend, was like "Bro, pull your pants up already!" To which pants-guy shrugged, "Wasn't me who pulled 'em down". He tossed himself back into the pong game. And the best part? The host found the pants-pranker and had him yank our friend's pants back up.
12. How A Nurse Became A Legend
So, this woman just had a baby and got a bit torn. The dad was there in the delivery room, while the nurse was patching her up. He made a "funny" comment saying, “Make sure you sew her up nice and snug for me, will ya?” Quick as a flash, the nurse replied, “How small do you need it to be, buddy?”
Everybody on the ward thought she was pretty awesome for that comeback.
13. Mouthing Off
We were hotly discussing something during a high school history lesson. Two people, both known for unique reasons, were arguing the most. The guy, infamous for his mean streak, told the other, a girl famous for her flirty nature, to zip it. Quick-witted, she shot back, "You're just made because people actually LIKE it when I talk!"
Cue laughter from everyone in the class, including the teacher.
14. A Big Cuppa Burn
I was slinging coffee when I ran into a real-life K-word. Her order was a total pain and she felt the need to question everything, all while telling me how to do my gig. After I finally handed her the drink, I asked her to hang on a sec. I told her I had something special for her: Gave her a job application!
I let her know how much I appreciated her sharp eye for detail and that she seemed to know so much about my job already, it would be awesome for her to join us. My boss nearly bust a gut laughing after a mad phone call about the job offer. And she couldn't get me in hot water, cause, you know, I didn't actually do anything wrong.
15. How Unbecoming!
This pregnant colleague of mine got some serious side-eye from a random lady in a restaurant - but that's not all. This woman decides to come over and say, "Pregnancy really doesn't suit you". But my coworker, chill as a cucumber, shot back, "Well, being a pushy, impolite witch doesn't look good on you, but hey, look at us".
16. One For The Ages
My little 3-year-old niece visited with her dad, and as tots often do, suddenly cut into our grown-up talk with a firm: "I'm THREE!" I joked, "Wow, kiddo! When did you get so old?" My niece corrected me in her soft, straightforward way like I'm a clueless person who needs guiding: "Actually, I'm pretty new". It's been months, but this story still gets me chuckling each time I remember it.
17. Getting A Leg Up
My buddy was a bit thick around the waist, and his grandfather always ribbed him for it. Their banter was always fun until gramps mind started to go. But then, grandpa got gangrene in his leg, and amputation actually brought his old self back - minus the jokes. That changed the day grandpa limped in and caught my friend stacking two sandwiches while chowing on a smaller one.
One was for later, but gramps teased him anyway. "Why are you eating two sandwiches? Is this why you're fat...Chubs?" My friend was over this nonsense by now, so he just turned to gramps struggling with his prosthetic and cane and says, "Aren't you supposed to be busy losing a butt-whipping contest somewhere?"
18. “You’re A Three”
I'm a high school teacher and goofed one day, saying "three" instead of "four". I quickly corrected myself but one student wouldn't let it go. She kept teasing me with "You mean three!?" for days on end. One Wednesday, she pushed me too far and, on impulse, I retorted, "YOU'RE a three".
I had no idea that the whole "You're a 10" lingo was still current, nor was that my intent. Nevertheless, her classmates erupted in laughter and from then on, she was nicknamed a 3/10.
19. Wires Crossed
I caught this scene while heading towards the men's room at a Nashville pub. A legitimately cross-eyed dude was leaving the restroom just as another guy was on his way in, and they collided. Nothing major, but it sparked this little quip-off: Cross-eyed dude: "Hey, watch where you're going!" Non-Cross-eyed dude: "You go where you're watching!"
20. Risky Retort
I was part of a railroad signal team and we were lagging on a project. They said we'd have to work on an upcoming Saturday. Right around lunchtime on Friday, the boss tells us we're good to head out and chill for the three-day weekend. One guy on my crew was literally a human tank. Picture a 6'5", 400lb angry type.
He hollers "Sweet! Gonna head home and shock my girl with a big package!" To my own shock, I blurt out, "That'd definitely be a big surprise considering you left with a small one this morning!" Lucky enough, he found it hysterical since he was blocking my escape route.
21. Left In Stitches
After the delivery, my brother-in-law joked about paying the doctor extra for adding a "husband stitch". My sister-in-law shot back, "If only we could've coughed up money for him to give you those extra inches you're lacking".
22. Getting Back At A Mean Old Aunt
Once, while still in middle school, we had this family gathering and my snarky, aged aunt was there. I made a comment and she snapped back, "Stop being so smart-alecky!" So, I stared at her straight on, and quipped, "Well, I'd rather be a smart-aleck than a dumb one...like you".
I got yelled at, but man, the look on her face was gold. I'd been itching to give the sour old lady a taste of her own medicine for a long time.
23. Got You Cornered
I was eating dinner with my dad and sister. I aced all my classes or whatever that year, and she's doing her big sis routine. Sister: “You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but *I* got the street smarts.” Me: “The corner doesn't count.” The old man nearly snorted his food, he laughed that hard.
24. Mr. Smack Talker
I teamed up with this old dude from Chicago at work. He had something to say about everything and was real proud of his trash-talk game. One summer day, all of us in the department were off to a meeting, and lots of us were in shorts. Suddenly, we started discussing someone's hairless legs.
Mr. Trash-Talker chimed in with, "Hair doesn’t grow on dead things," but he totally forgot one key thing... He was bald! All I had to do was look at his shiny dome and raise an eyebrow. It took him a second, but the look on his face was priceless.
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25. No Chickening-Out Here!
So me and my old man were at this agricultural show. I've got a ton of chickens. There's this speaker, this "chicken guru", and she keeps saying how dumb these birds are. It's starting to grind my gears. I get it, they're no Einsteins, but you can at least teach them simple tricks. Even if they're rough around the edges in the smarts department, just teach me something useful, will ya?
Then my dad, smoothly interrupts this lady after her fourth diss on their intelligence: "Seems to me, chickens tend to mirror the IQ of their owners".
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26. Costume Comeback
Back when I was a bartender, I showed up for Halloween in an Old Western get-up, mustache and accent included. We had a kids' costume bash early on, then an adults-only shindig later. One regular laughed at my outfit and said I looked dumb. So, I zinged him back with...
"Maybe swing by after the kiddos leave since you showed up dressed as a tool". Didn’t hear a peep from him for weeks, pure heaven.
27. Generous Grandpa
My son and his new wife were broke college kids living far from home. When I visited, I took 'em to a grocery store and footed the bill for a couple of shopping carts full. As we stepped out, I told 'em, "When your kids are poor, married, and in college, remember this".
My new daughter-in-law shot back, "We won't forget. We'll just tell 'em to hit up grandpa!" Such a riot…truly adore that woman.
28. Still Got It
A few weeks back at the office, a lady colleague needed to check something in a drawer I was blocking. She was like, "I gotta get under you". Quick as a flash, I shot back, playing it cheeky but charming, "Didn't know you were an antiques fan". I'm 60, by the way. Good thing we both had a chuckle at that.
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29. On Parade
So, back in 5th grade, we had a Halloween costume parade. Me and the squad strutted past a girl from our class. A friend of mine locks eyes with her and snaps, "What are you staring at?" Without missing a beat, this chick dismissively fires back, "Not much," before casually strolling off. What a rockstar.
30. Reaching New Heights
My pops is a giant, standing at a mighty 6'5", and kinda on the round side. When he grows his beard, he's a spitting image of Hagrid. One day, he was ribbing his buddy - a guy probably 5'7" - about his height. Usual teasing, you know, calling him "vertically challenged" or needing a step ladder for his truck.
After a bit of this banter, his buddy just burst out, "SORRY THAT I DON'T HAVE TO CROUCH TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB, DAN!"
31. Taking Candy From A Baby
So when I was like 7, I craved those weigh-and-pay candies at the local store. So I was like, "Hey Mom, can I grab some candy?" She was like, "Nope, not today, running low on cash". So I was being a brat and said, "If you don't get me candy, I'll make a scene!" Bad move.
That's when she slapped me right in the store and shot back, "So who's embarrassed now?" Spoiler alert, it was me! Well, that was a lesson well learnt and I never dared to threaten my mom again.
32. “I Felt Bad”
I once worked with this super traditional, easily irritated older dude. Like, he'd seriously blow a fuse if you disagreed with him. And full on tomato-face angry, too. He'd constantly make snide jabs about me being less clued-in on life because I was younger. Can't remember what sparked it off, but he started this rant about how his age made him the wiser one. So I just quipped, "If you're such a genius, why do we have the same job?"
He was stumped. No comeback.
33. Size Matters
So, I was at this work hangout, like a team-bonding deal, right? And this annoying coworker showed up with his girlfriend and their baby. The girlfriend was digging in the diaper bag and out comes a rubber. My other coworker cracks a joke about it not being his size. She laughed it off, saying, "No worries, love, we'll get you some that are a bit tighter!"
34. Uncle Zinger
My uncle and I worked at Burger King. I was a team leader, and he was sick of this good-for-nothing coworker that nobody liked. The guy was about my age (I'm 22) and his life was a mess. He didn't bother to clean up, had visible drug use signs, and was usually late or absent.
Even if he showed up, he'd stretch out his breaks and would get stoned during work hours. He tried to confront my uncle, who then just bluntly told him, "You're as useful as a sub with screen doors". Not stopping at that, he added, "I've had smarter chats with an Ikea sofa".
35. Classy Comeback
Had a colleague, kind of rude. He was a William and Mary grad, wouldn't stop bragging. We had folks from more prestigious schools, but none as arrogant. His daughter got into UVA. When I congratulated him, I said, "Every parent hopes their kid outshines them a little".
36. Super Sassy Kid
Back when I used to run a preschool, there was this one kid, Isaac, who could really get on my nerves. Always putting other kids down, saying he didn't like them and stuff - totally breaking the other kids' hearts. You'd constantly hear "Miss Bells, Isaac says he doesn't like me!" Then Isaac totally screwed up. He tried his antics on a three-year-old.
Isaac: "I don't like you!" Three-year-old: "Well, my mommy LIKES me!" That zipped his lip real quick. Simply beautiful, felt like a small win for all of us. That three-year-old was sassy as heck and it still cracks me up every time I think about it.
37. Zippered Right Up
In 3rd grade, while heading out for playtime, I spotted something about Joey T., the popular dude I was crushing on. His zipper was down. Hello, chance! I figured if I pointed this out, in public, he'd finally notice me. I went for it. "Hey, Joey, your zipper's down," I announced. Nonchalantly, Joey zipped up then queried, "Why were you checking that area?"
That comment hit me. Why was I, indeed? I felt invincible exposing his slip up. I intended to make such a splash in our grade 3 society that it'd be the talk for days. But in seconds, I came to realize Joey was untouchable. Truly, why was I checking that area?
38. Big Fat Joke
So, at my heaviest (over 320 pounds), I started dating this knockout lady, way out of my league. But hey, she was into me, so why quit, right? One evening, feeling insecure about my size, I hit her up in our apartment and asked, "Does this shirt make me look too chunky to be with you?"
She snapped back, "It's your weight making you look heavy, not the shirt". That stung! But her comeback was, "Truth only hurts you when it's needed". That was an eye-opener. Within a year, I lost nearly 100 pounds. After two years, I weighed 180. Back in my 20s then, I've been keeping fit into my 40s. Here's the kicker: We're celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary in 2021. How cool is that?
39. Change For The Better
My buddy and I were downing pints at the pub when this bloke started bothering me (I'm much smaller). He seemed like he wanted to fight. My buddy, who's huge told him to back off, making the guy ask, "What'd you say to me?" My mate stuck to his guns, looked him in the eyes, and said, "I told you to park your five-dollar butt down before I give you change".
The guy was gobsmacked and my mate followed up with "Need me to crack open the till to make your change?" The dude promptly sat his hind down, way down the bar from us.
40. Varying Degrees
My mom quit high school, flew back to India, was lined up for an arranged marriage with my dad at 19, sealed the deal a year later, then had my sister at 21, my brother at 23, and yours truly at 27. Skipping school was something she always regretted. Last year when I hit 28, mom and I were hanging out, watching TV, and we got talking:
Mom: "I was done popping out kids at your present age. Doesn't that embarrass you?" Me: "Nah, I've got me a Diploma and a Bachelor's Degree". Suddenly, it hit me what I'd just said, and I take a peek at my mom. She just gives me this look before going: "BURN!"
41. Immigrant Song
In class, there was this dude always trying to look cool by throwing in his two cents on every teacher's statement. Once, he was again being his usual rude and rowdy self. We were discussing the hot topic about immigrants getting kicked out of the US during Social Studies. I think he said something like, "All immigrants should be booted out.”
Out of the blue, the silent kid (yours truly) quipped back, "So, why are you still around?" (This dude wasn't born in the US or NZ - my country). Just like that, I morphed from the silent kid to the cool kid in a snap.
42. Margaritaville
A buddy and I, both grown adults, were on our way to an NFL game with my 15-year-old brother and his 14-year-old friend. We stopped at a Mexican restaurant to eat before the game and my buddy orders one of those giant fishbowl margaritas. My brother’s friend says "Scott you think you have a problem with alcohol?”
My buddy didn't miss a beat and immediately comes back with: "I have to wait until 1 o’clock on a Sunday before they let me buy it, and that's a problem for me". I laughed my head off.
43. Comeback Demonstration
I'm an attorney. Some folks were protesting a recent verdict right outside the courthouse. A big-shot lawyer from out of town was here for a case and had to walk by the crowd. One of the protesters yelled, "Bet you're a sourpuss!" This dude clapped back, "Good guess!" If I become half as cool as him, I'd be totally stoked.
44. Standing Up For Yourself
I once quoted Iron Eagle to a bully at school, and it really worked. He'd pushed me into lockers, so I called him out loud enough for everyone to hear: What’s your problem, Rory? Can’t you get through a single day without proving what a miserable guy you are?” He stuttered, shrugged, walked away and never bothered me after that.
45. A Touching Memory
My big bro and I were out flying a homemade kite. Random dude asks, "How'd ya get it way up there?" Bro says, "Long strings". Says it with a grin, no rudeness. Dude laughs. That was like 40 years back. My bro's been gone about 20 years, but man, that memory always makes me smile.
46. No Kidding
So my kid, about five or so, had a major fit - banging doors and all - at a grocery store 'cause he didn't get his way. So I taught him a lesson. I just scooped him up, carried him past the checkout queue and off to the car. He sat tight while we finished shopping.
By the way, he never tried that silly stunt again. Don't sweat it when your kids act out. Trust me, everyone who's got kids totally gets it.
47. Be Somebody
Next time you bump into a mega pushy smarty-pants who's like, "Do you know who I am? I'm (random dude from a random company)". Just hit them back with, "You've gotta be someone important for that line to work, ya know?"
48. Perfect Response
A buddy of mine was asked if he was gay. He replied, "Let's call it even - if I ignore your nosey question, you ignore me not answering it". Pretty spot on, right?
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49. A Quickie
A cool comeback to "Do you know who I am?" is this: "What, got memory loss?"
50. Rubbed The Wrong Way
I was 7 months pregnant and super big. On my way to the car, some guy comes up, touching my belly, and asks when I'm due. So, I touch his belly back and ask him the same thing.
51. Best. Burn. Ever.
I've got two younger siblings, a sister and a brother. When we were kids, my brother was this annoying, over-the-top teen who loved to bug my sister. He's cool now, but back then, he was a handful, and he'll tell you that. Even at that age, he'd put anyone in their place if they messed with his older sisters.
So one time, he started on about how my sister was an accident and how she wasn't planned. She'd hit back and say he was dropped off by FedEx. Was pretty funny, not gonna lie. But my brother started pushing it and my sister wasn't laughing anymore. That’s when our mom stepped in.
She pointed at me, then my sis, then him, and with a straight face, goes, "Nope, she was a surprise, she was unplanned, you were the mistake". And then strolled off to the kitchen like a boss. My dad peeked out from behind the computer, shell shocked, and broke into laughter.
My brother, even though he was grinning, was struggling to recover from that epic burn, but no dice. Best. Burn. Ever.
52. Who’s The Boss?
So, last Friday, the boss canned this total tool that everyone couldn't stand, even though he was a workaholic. That Monday, he pops in to say he's gonna get us a new guy fast. He's like, "Man, that guy Jim is such a dunce I almost pity him. Who'd even want him around?"
Outta nowhere, the rookie - only been there a week - goes, "Well, you did". I busted up laughing!
53. Tech Savvy
Last year at the gas station, I was queued behind a couple old-timers and a teenage girl glued to her phone. The dude kept ogling at her, shaking his head. Eventually, he got flustered and said she couldn't survive without tech. Still focused on her phone, she shot back, smiling, "And what about your pacemaker?"
54. Turning You On
I deal with one of the most unbearable people ever. One day, he told a lady at work she was so unattractive she could only turn on a hose. Instantly, she fired back saying at least when she turned something on it actually got wet. This left him totally dumbfounded and I laughed till I cried, literally!
