It's over. We're through. It's not you, it's me. There are so many ways to dump someone, but dang if these people didn't try to reinvent the wheel with these utterly brutal breakups.
1. Must Have Gotten Lost in the Mail
We dated exclusively for a year and a half and then I got dumped on Thanksgiving because he "forgot to tell me something." It was that he was getting married that weekend.
2. Born Liar
I met this guy on OkCupid and after chatting a bit, we seemed to have a bunch in common. We went on one dinner date that was ok but kind of awkward. He said some stuff that could either be red flags or he’s a bad sarcastic flirt, etc.—I was on the fence about another date but when he POUTED that I wouldn’t kiss him in the parking lot I decided more on the no side.
We didn’t talk after that. Eh, it happens. I forgot about it and went on with my single life. Then TEN MONTHS GO BY. I get a message on OkCupid from him. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It said, “I see you’re no longer lying about your age. Anything else you want to come clean about?” Me, having no idea what he’s talking about, responded with, “What?”
“Your profile says you’re 30 now.” After I explain and say tell him that yeah because TIME PASSED and now, I’m 30. Before that, it said 29. That’s how aging works? He says, “Well I can’t entertain dating someone who would lie about something this basic. We’re done.” But when did we even start? He blocked me. I’m sure he felt...righteous?
3. Worth Making the Distance to Keep the Distance
She traveled five hours by train to see me...only to get my house and say that she doesn't love me and that she wants to break up. She leaves, I cry for about 15 minutes then call my best friend and ask if he can come over with some beers so I'm not home alone all weekend. I hear her in the background asking him something.
Yup, she traveled five hours to break up with me so she could screw my best friend without feeling guilty about it (I no longer talk to him).
4. Ask for a Doctor’s Note Next Time
Was with her for just shy of two years. Holidays, festivals, discussions of marriage the lot. Claimed she lived at home with her mum, who had terminal cancer, and as a result, her mum didn't want to bring anyone new into her life, as the pain of knowing she would soon leave them was too much. Therefore, we spent all our time at mine, and I never met her family or mum.
Received a message from a guy one night asking how I knew her. I explained the whole story. Then I learned the awful truth. It turned out her mum was fine, and she had been engaged to this guy and living with him the entire time...they were due to get married in two weeks. It still blows my mind that she managed to play us both so well the entire time.
5. Let’s See Other Patients
She cheated on me with five different women in 10 days. Whilst I was in the hospital. Having brain surgery. She dumped me two days after I came out of hospital, while at her parents' house, on Christmas Day.
6. The High Cost of a Broken Heart
We'd been together for three years. She borrowed several hundred dollars from me a week before (knowing the whole time that she was going to do this). When she broke up with me, all she did was tell me that she didn't love me anymore. No discussion, no explanation, nothing. She then kept the break-up secret, moved to another city, mooched off of my friends, trashed their apartment, and nearly ended their dog's life.
7. Rushing Through Life
I once dated an absolute mess of a woman. We were together for almost a year, until she met someone that she immediately saw herself marrying. A month after we broke up, she moved across the country, got married to the new guy, a week later she called me to tell me she made a mistake, then she got divorced, moved back home, got pregnant and then got married again. She's 22.
8. We’ve Got Ourselves a Runner
I once had a guy dump me by literally running away. We got back from a gig and I went to put some ice cream in the freezer only to hear footsteps and the door slamming. Ran out and he was legging it down the road.
9. Can’t Touch This
He told me I was fat. I was the exact same weight as when we started dating. A year later he wanted me back. I made sure I looked really good. We went out to dinner. When we got home, he told me how good looking I was. He leaned into kiss me. That’s when I dropped the line I’d planned all night. I backed up and said, "I'm too fat remember!? Good night!"
I was the same weight when he dated me.
10. All-Natural Pettiness
Going to share a story on behalf of my manager. He had recently broken his foot when a car jack broke on him and the car came landing down. One of my co-workers decided to buy him a plant as a "get well" gift. His (now ex) girlfriend was convinced that that was my co-worker making a move, so she peed on the plant to kill it. Also tried to get pregnant by not taking her BC pills to trap him into a marriage.
11. Plot Twist
It happened to a friend of mine. We were all on vacation (about seven friends) and everybody was drinking. We were the only two who didn’t. He managed to snag his girlfriend's phone while she was passed out and pulled me to the side. He said, "she's cheating on me, some guy named Joey has been texting her and hooking up with her after work every day." We ended up searching for names and mutual friends via Facebook. Turned out Joey was a girl.
12. Taking a Page from The Book of Homer
I once got dumped via an email that said, "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you." Funny on The Simpsons, less funny in real life.
13. Not Every Heartbreak is a Matter of Human Resources
Obligatory “not me,” but a close friend got dumped in a way that was so spectacularly awful I can’t not mention it. Said friend ended up in a relationship with a co-worker. I only met the guy once, but he was a bit...off. Early thirties and had never moved out of his parents' house, while the person he was seeing was just newly 18 when they started.
Anyway, everything was fine with them at first, and then one day she just stopped hearing from him. Turned out he had decided he wasn’t keen on the relationship. Unfortunately, he got advice from some utter psychopath (I’m reasonably sure it was one of his parents, as he didn’t have any other friends, but can’t be sure) on how to do so.
So, he decided the "best" way to dump her was to accuse her of harassment. She got a meeting with HR, which was pretty unpleasant as you can imagine, and it turned out he had come out with a bunch of pretty horrific allegations. She almost lost her job, and everyone assumed she was a predator for a while, which drove her to some really dark places.
It all blew over when it became apparent his accusations were all bull because he kept on changing his story, coming out with details that didn’t make sense, and at one point harassing her while this was all going on. I believe he was fired, and she never heard from him again, but it’s taken her a long time to recover from it.
It’s been about four years now and I’m still genuinely aghast at it.
14. Playing House While You Were Away
We had been dating for two and a half years. I bought a plane ticket to Seattle for him (we lived in NY), so he could go visit his family because he hadn't seen them in a while. When he left, a week later he said he was going to stay another two weeks because his grandma wasn't doing well. Two weeks turned into a phone call while I was at work (taking care of a special needs girl), saying he knocked a chick up and wasn't coming back.
15. Doubts Confirmed, I Guess...
When I said I was having doubts about the relationship, my insane ex-boyfriend responded by literally trying to kill me. We were in the car at the time and he started to run the vehicle off the interstate. Thank god I got control of the wheel and managed to get us to safety. But after he pulled that, it seemed like reason enough to immediately end it and get a protection order against him.
16. Set for Life
One of the moments that made me realize my first boyfriend was a dud was when I asked him why he never looked around before crossing the street. His response was so, so stupid. He said he was hoping he would get hit by a car someday, so he could just sue the driver and be set for life. I asked how he planned to do that with his body mangled. He said he was sure he could manage to roll over and look at the license plate. Real winner, that one.
17. Two Against One
Mary and her twin sister Susan came from a conservative and sheltered family. I was Mary's first boyfriend. Mary wasn't going to school because it was summer break. She also wasn't working. When I first started going out with Mary, Susan would text her nonstop. Susan would make up excuses that her stomach hurts and ask Mary to come home.
I tried to talk to Susan and she made it seem like I was stealing Mary away from her. I made a compromise with Mary to see her at least once a week. I was making time for Mary even though I was working full time while she had no job/school. In the end, Susan's jealously made it impossible for Mary and me to develop any kind of healthy relationship.
They were both 23 at the time and would spend most of their time cosplaying. The weirdest part was they would often dress as the couples in the anime and even Photoshop themselves kissing/making out. So, yeah, I was attracted to Mary's kindness, since she was actually a really caring person. But it turns out there was a reason why they both never dated.
18. One Kitty, Two Kitty, Three Kitty, Four
My psycho ex was allergic to cats. My roommates had cats. My ex dealt with them for a while until one day she blew up about the kitties and gave me an ultimatum: I get rid of MY ROOMMATES' CATS or she's out of this relationship. Well, my choice was clear. We now have another cat. His name is Muffin and he's a million times better than my old gf.
19. Scheduling Conflict
Had been with this chick for about one year. At our school summer camp, a guy from the class above me came up to me and straight up said: "Hey, I hear you’re so and so's new boyfriend, I’m her ex and just wanted to say hello.” I didn't really know what to make of the situation but for some reason, I just asked when they broke up, and his words made my jaw drop: "Oh, like one month ago." Needless to say, that relationship was over quickly.
20. It’s the Thought That Counts
20 or some odd years ago, I caught my ex-boyfriend in bed with another guy. Oh but wait, it gets worse. This happened on Valentine's Day. While I had a dozen roses in my hand. What a horrible person. Fighting would get you kicked out of college, so I told the much smaller guy that as soon I saw him off campus someday, it was over for him. Obviously after that, we broke up.
15 years and worlds later, I'm at an engagement party at a bar, and some friends come up and tell me the guy over there is extremely scared of me and thinks I'm going to destroy him. I look over and couldn't stop laughing. It's the guy I found in bed over a decade ago. It was so far in the past, but for some reason, that guy remembered it like I had sworn an oath to avenge my family. It felt good. His fear was redemption enough.
21. Doctor’s Orders
Back in college, I had a girlfriend break up with me through my therapist. Yeah. I came to therapy one day and was told by the therapist that unfortunately, my girlfriend didn't want to see me anymore. I told the therapist how unprofessional this was, and then paid my ex's favor forward by breaking up with my therapist.
22. Absolutely No Affection
In high school, a girl broke up with me because she saw me kiss another girl on the cheek. It was my mom's cheek I kissed.
23. A Toy Story
So get this... I dated a guy in my late high school years who was very reserved and very handsome. The first seven or eight months were unreal, I was so happy, and things were going great. Soon thereafter, he and I decided to tell each other our deepest darkest secrets. (10/10 do not recommend) He told me that when he was young, he used to cut holes in his stuffed animals and would have intimate relations with them.
I had no idea what to think, but I honestly didn't feel like it was the worst thing someone could do, so I just let it reside in the back of my mind. For unrelated reasons things got a little rocky in the months after. He became so jealous and overprotective. He would come up to my work and watch me for hours, he would drive me to and from wherever I needed no matter what, he would also get so upset when I spent any time away from him.
When I did get the opportunity to hang out with friends, he would always buy me flowers or pillow pets and leave them on my car almost as if he was letting me know he was watching. This just got worse over the next 3 months and I figured it was probably time to end things. I decided I was just going to drive over and just let him know things weren't working out, simple enough, right?
Wrong. When he figured out what I was doing, he completely lost it. Punched holes in everything, broke whatever was in sight, and had a full-on episode. When I got to the house he was waiting for me in his truck which was completely ripped apart, might I add. I figured it probably wasn't the best idea to get out of the car, so I turned around to drive away and he busted out his truck window and then followed dangerously close to my car.
After about a half hour, he finally let off and called me claiming he wrecked his truck. I went back to get him, but I'll skip the details on the endless crazy things he pulled that night. Needless to say, it was over. A few months after the break up I decided it was probably a good time to get all of the things I had left at his house.
It was mostly clothes, but I always left the stuffed animals he got me there just because. Long story short, I walked into his closet (The walls were still completely demolished from his episode) and I found some of the pillow pets he had bought throughout the relationship. I grabbed my favorite one (a grey elephant named Charlotte) and on the underside, she was just covered in you-know-what.
By covered I mean graciously glazed from multiple endeavors. Side note: It is so weird typing this out. It never seemed as crazy as it actually is. And that's all I have to say about that.
24. Gender Rolled Away
She broke up with me because I did too much stuff around the house like dishes and cooking. She said, "I want a man who does manly things, not a woman cooks and cleans." How dare I cook healthy stuff for her kids a few nights a week because otherwise, she'd pump them full of McDonald's. A few weeks later her car broke down and she called me because she knew I could fix it.
I laughed hysterically at the irony of it. I knew exactly what to say. I told her, "Sorry love, I'm just too busy baking cakes and painting my nails over here."
25. He Can Take It, But He Can’t Dish It out
A guy and a girl met on vacation and had a brief romance, then decided to keep it long distance for the next few years. There were a ton of red flags right from the start, but it all got exponentially worse the second they got married and moved in together just a few months ago. Basically, he didn't do anything around the house, and he also didn’t work—she earned all of the money and paid for all of his stuff.
On top of that, he then squandered her money on a regular basis, even when she specifically asked him not to. She actually had to put a limit on his phone contract at one point because he just would not take any of her requests seriously. I don't think he had planned to leech on her, I think he's just an inconsiderate jerk. They're currently waiting it out because she's too nice to send him back, but I have a strong feeling that this guy won’t be around too much longer…
26. Whack-A-Me
An ex of mine once wouldn't stop tickling me and when I asked why, she said, "I'm trying to get you to punch me!" It wasn't her kink or anything apparently? She just wanted to see how far she would have to push me before I snapped, and was really disappointed to discover that I would never hit her. We broke up that night.
27. My Nightmare Wedding
My old roommate was the type of gal whose personal bookshelf was filled to the brim with wedding magazines and a few interesting titles included "making marriage work" and "Working through difficult relationships." She often went out with her girlfriends to try on wedding rings and wedding dresses.
That's all fine and dandy, but she wasn't getting married. Didn't even have a boyfriend. She BARRELED through hook-ups at a remarkable speed. I didn't think much of it until she hooked up with a friend of mine. He informed me of the following: They started hanging out as friends, for about a week or so. Big surprise, they ended up sleeping together.
Just once. He told her straight up it didn't mean anything, and he didn't think they should continue. Her response was insane. She came home to me crying, absolutely bawling her eyes out because she didn't understand why he would "break it off so suddenly." A few days go by and I guess she broke into his apartment, cleaned the entire place and cooked him food.
She waited at his apartment for several hours until he came home and said, I kid you not, "Hey honey, how was your day? I hope you don't mind but I cleaned up the apartment and made us some dinner before bed." I think he nearly pooped his pants.
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28. Did He Get an A+?
I caught my boyfriend of two years. He had asked me to proofread his paper on his Mac and the text messenger popped up in the right hand. He was sitting in his bed texting some girl "goodnight, I love you" while sitting right next to me in his bed. I deleted his entire paper, wrote "Who's Marissa?" saved it and told him it looks great and left. She was his girlfriend of eight years who lived next to his parents two hours away.
29. Refresh Wounds
My high school girlfriend broke up with me for the weirdest reason: because I made an "ahh" sound after taking a sip of a drink. I didn't do it on purpose and I guess it was just a sound I made subconsciously because the sip made me so refreshed. One day I took a sip and “ahh'd” and she just snapped and said she couldn't handle it anymore.
I asked her why she just didn't tell me she didn't like it when I did that, and she said she would shrug or give me a dirty look when I did it and I should have picked up on her dissatisfaction. Look lady, I'm enjoying my sip of cola here, I'm not looking around during it.
30. A Tale of Two Babies
This was many, many years ago... Lying in bed and as we were both in a loving mood, I tell him that I was pregnant. He kind of laughs, I ask what was so funny and he says, “Kerry [his co-worker] told me today she is pregnant." I asked why that was funny and he says it’s because it’s his. I felt numb. I got up, got dressed and went home. Spent days crying on my mum's shoulder.
Two months later, he and Kerry got married. Her parents had insisted that she couldn't have a child out of wedlock. Meanwhile, he and I had been together just over a year and he had only been seeing her for a month on the side. My daughter is the absolute love of my life, he decided to cut all parental ties with her before she was born because Kerry and her parents wanted it that way. My mum was an absolute rock for me those first few years.
31. Tramp Stamped Out
One of my exes dumped me on Christmas because I got a matching tattoo with my sister on my shoulder. He told me that he thought girls with tattoos in that spot are "trashy." It was my second tattoo. He bought me my first. It was ON MY LOWER BACK. It turns out this was just another manipulative tactic to control me. He dumped me a few other times for asinine reasons before I finally left.
32. Distress Rehearsal
She faked her own overdose when I tried to break up with her. After she made hints that she would do something, she hung up the phone and wouldn't answer my calls. Fast forward 2 hours later, I kick in her door because she wouldn't answer the door either, to walk in to her laying on the couch with a picture of us and pills all over. After shaking her and starting to call the authorities, she turned to me and said, "I knew you loved me."
That’s when I realized she was truly crazy. Oh, young love…sigh.
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33. A Honeymoon They’ll Never Forget
A relative of mine had a marriage that lasted for less than three weeks. They had been together for a couple of years and had even gone to premarital counselling at their church for a few months to get ready for the big change. Their wedding was super lavish and it was clear to everyone that a lot of preparation and money had gone into the whole thing.
At their wedding, they announced that they were expecting their first child. Everything seemed great. Unfortunately, the whole thing blew up as soon as the wife discovered that he had been cheating on her for almost their entire relationship, and with multiple different women. She found this out while in a foreign country on their honeymoon, four months pregnant. I know from her mom that she had complications in her pregnancy that they attribute to the stress of all of this.
34. Basically Neighbors!
A girl once broke up with me because we were going to different schools next year and, in her words, "We would never find the opportunity to see each other." Umm, we lived on the same street...like literally 30 seconds away from another.
35. Telephone Tag
My moment was when I realized the hypocrisy and double standard in how my ex-boyfriend expected and demanded that I had to be available at any and all times to receive his calls whenever he felt like calling, even at 2 in the morning. I also had to answer within the first two rings or he would start threatening me and hurling insults and abuses.
I used to sleep with the phone tightly clutched in my hands so that I could know if he was calling and pick up. If I told him I was with my mom, he would make me put her on the phone so he could make sure it was her. Meanwhile, he never picked up when I called him and would only call when he felt like it—sometimes days or even weeks apart. I finally realized that this wasn’t fair or right.
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36. That Escalated Quickly...
I caught my ex when we were both standing in the examining room, getting his "UTI treatment." Doc came in and said gonorrhea. He must have been lying for a whole three or four months, I imagine. Even when he got caught, he didn't stop. He just tried to lie about how he got it, tried convincing me he accidentally swiped his genitals in some mystery fluids in a gas station toilet (what in the world...).
When he realized I wasn't that stupid, he tried to drink random bottles on the doctor's shelf. He started hitting himself. He fell on his knees sobbing and tried grabbing my hands and begging for me not to leave. He threatened murder-suicide that entire night, and assaulted me for close to nine hours when I was trying to pack my bags to leave.
He choked me in the driveway. I just spoke at his sentencing this Thursday. He is a convicted felon now. I hope he's grown from this.
37. It’s Dairy Important to Me
A girlfriend and I broke up over a disagreement about whether a milkshake was ice cream. It was winter, 2 AM, I'm driving her home. We're talking, having a good time, things are great. She says she wants some ice cream. Where am I going to get that in this season at this time of night? I stop in a fast food place and order a milkshake, the closest thing to ice cream I figured they had, and she gives me a dumb look, and says, "that's not ice cream."
So, I say, "it's the closest I can get you right now. You don't want it?" She just says, "No, I want ice cream. That's not ice cream." Over it, I say, "Alright then, no worries, I'll take you home." While I start driving her home, she looks at me and says, "I'm not even sure why you tried to get a milkshake. Do you not understand what ice cream is?" "It has ice cream in it. Just a little extra milk, too," I incredulously explain, but then she insists and says, "No, it's not ice cream. Why would you do that?"
Trying to be done with the conversation, I just say, "it's no big deal. Sorry, it didn't work out. Let's change the subject." But then she goes, "Oh my god, you always do this. Any time you're wrong, you refuse to talk about it!" The conversation escalated, she refused to drop it no matter how much I insisted it wasn't a big deal, and when I finally got to her dorm, she hopped out of the car, slammed my door, and blocked me on social media. I haven't spoken to her since.
We had a similar fight about whether "maroon" was "red" earlier in the relationship, but somehow, we managed to recover from that one.
38. Different People Now
My college girlfriend’s dad won $1 million in the state lottery over our school's winter break. I called to catch up with her and say congratulations to her dad when she broke up with me over the phone. Her reason? She actually told me, “Now that I’m rich, I can’t afford to date regular people like you. That’s really the only thing wrong, you’re just regular.”
39. If He Can Make It There, He Can Make It Anywhere
He went to NYC on a business trip and his phone was constantly going straight to voicemail whenever I called. When I finally got in touch with him he said that he was having a hard time getting a signal... in midtown Manhattan. So I called his office and asked for him and they were totally confused. It turns out he was in another state visiting someone he met on the internet.
40. Late Notice
She said, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” I thought it was a bad time to bring that up since we were engaged and had been together for almost two years.
41. A Reason to Be Steaming Mad
Not me but my best friend. She was in a long distance relationship for a few years. They played a lot of Steam games together. At one point, she gave him her card info so he could buy himself a game on Christmas, on the condition that he would delete the card info after. He did not delete the payment info, and his computer got hacked.
She got a few large charges and reported it to her bank. Then she noticed smaller charges on her bank statement here and there from the past few months, all from Steam. Her boyfriend assured her it wasn't him, so she reported those charges as well. What do you know—all of a sudden he got a vac ban from Steam for fraudulent charges.
He starts claiming she had given him her card info again for a different purchase, and that she just forgot. He really wants the vac ban lifted because he plays a lot of Dota, and can't play multiplayer with the vac ban. And it gets worse. A few days later, her grandfather gets very sick very quickly. They were close, so she's obviously devastated.
She went to visit him in the hospital, and mid-conversation, he had a massive stroke. She and her family were basically shoved out of the room so the doctors could work. A doctor tells them he may be brain dead, but they have to wait and see. My friend is distraught and calls her boyfriend while waiting. She explains what happens.
This jerk says, "That really sucks. Also can you make sure to call your bank so we can get that vac ban lifted?" She hung up on him and didn't speak to him again for a year.
42. PDA Advocate
I wish I still had the text, but long story short, she was mad that I DIDN'T grab her butt in public on our first date...
43. Off to a Great Start
My husband decided to start having an affair within three months of our marriage. I found out about six months later. He still maintains that he did absolutely nothing wrong, because he had just thought that it would be long over before I ever found out. Oh, and we had a 6-month-old baby at the time. What a catch of a man! I started the divorce proceedings at the first possible moment after waiting the one-year minimum.
44. All in a Name
My ex's cat was named "Ben." The girl I was dating's cat was named "Bundles." One day, I called her cat Ben. She asked me what I just called her cat. I thought about it and then remembered that Ben was my ex's cat's name. I laughed and told her and she was super unimpressed and weirdly angry all night. She broke up with me the next day.
45. Getting Your Priorities in Order
I dated guy who had a kid that lived in another state. Looking back, he clearly wasn't the best dad and he only saw his son a few times a year. On 4/20 one year, he decided to stay for our city's 4/20 festival instead of going home for his child's birthday. Actual quote—"Little Man will understand. It's 2 Chainz." I didn't stay with him much longer after that.
46. Not Willing to Do the Heavy Lifting
My old boyfriend made me do the break-up for him. He slowly withdrew emotionally and started to become increasingly irritable and inconsiderate. If I brought up any of these issues, he would act insulted at how I could think that of him, or say/imply maybe it was my fault for not being considerate enough of him and what he was going through.
It was so slow and incremental; it took me a long time to figure out we weren't going through a "rough patch." Or he wasn't having a hard time that I needed to support him through. With my last remaining crumb of energy and self-esteem, I did what he wanted all along and did the breaking up for him. Then he went too far. He screamed and insulted me, took a bunch of my stuff, and later I found out he gave me the kind of HPV that gives you cancer (which I got! Thankfully I was treated and am fine now, but christ...).
47. Keeping a Tally
Upon my return home from Afghanistan, my new wife of less than a year admitted to me that she had slept with 23 different guys while I was gone. Needless to say, our marriage ended real quick…
48. Breaking My Heart and My Bank
She asked me to buy her a few gifts. I got them and dropped them off at her place while she was at work. When she got home she said thanks, but she had been doing some thinking and felt it was time we saw other people. But at least she said thanks.
49. I’m Taking All of You With Me
When I was in Korea, my wife at the time told me over Skype that we'd drifted apart and she wanted to separate. So, she takes the powers of attorney I had given her, packs up everything out of the house that she wants, regardless of who it belongs to, uses my bank account to pay for the U-Haul and all the moving expenses, sells the house, has one dog put to sleep, takes the other to the SPCA, and disappears.
Eventually I learn that she'd been planning to leave ever since I came down on orders. Oh, and she was a textbook psychopath and a compulsive liar. By the way, she actually never had (and beat) cancer before I met her. For SEVEN YEARS I kept asking her to see the doctor and make sure she's still cancer-free. I've seen people I love die from cancer and it's horrible.
FOR SEVEN YEARS she'd lied to me about having had cancer and watched while I worried myself sick about it coming back. So glad to be rid of that lunatic.
50. You Should Have Dropped the Girl Instead of the Class
Left her dorm room to go get to a class. When I got there, I saw a note on the door that said our teacher was sick and class was cancelled for the day. Decided to go back to my girlfriend's room, only to hear her getting it on with another guy (she was very loud). I knocked on the door and she answered thinking someone was going to ask them to keep it down.
51. I’m Your Number 1 Fan
Dated a girl for 3 weeks. Near the end of that third week, she invites me back to her place and I make a deranged discovery. She's made a shrine just for me... it looked like I had passed, and she never got over it. Trying to remember now, there was a picture within a picture frame with her photoshopped into it badly, several used napkins from our dates, and a bag of 2-week-old popcorn I didn't get to finish from our first date... so yeah.
52. Enjoying the Music a Little Too Much
I work as a clerk at a family courthouse. I've seen a fair few messy weddings, but here's the best one: One bride slept with the DJ who was working at her wedding. This literally happened during the reception. It was a new record for our office pool. The divorce was about two months after the wedding, when the husband was finally told about it by the maid of honor.
53. Lacking Some Empathy
When my best friend passed away, 2 days later I decided to finally step outside the house. Went to spend time with my girlfriend and a friend. When her and I were alone, she turns around in the car and says these exact words: "You shouldn't be sad, you're out with us right now. You're bringing the mood down." That was the night I decided to end things.
She then played the victim card and pretends nothing happened between us. This was just last summer. I'm a lot happier now.
54. Totally Dumped Trucked
I was in law school in North Carolina and my boyfriend lived in Florida where I too was born and raised. He worked as a concrete foreman near Gainesville. The plan was for him to move to North Carolina so we could be together while I was in school. After graduation, the idea was that we would move back to our home state of Florida and build our life together.
Two weeks before he was to move, I got the call saying he wasn't moving to North Carolina. His reason was that his boss bought a new diesel truck that was his to use both on and off the job. I didn't know how to react. I had been dumped for a truck. Should I scratch her headlights out? In the end, I was just thankful that it was a Ford he dumped me for.
55. Out of Nowhere
A guy who I wasn't aware I was dating broke up with me even though we’d only had dinner once and spoken a handful of times via very short text messages. Out of the blue after a few months, I get an incredibly long message telling me he that he knew this would be devastating, but he just had to follow his heart and break up with me. We were both in our late 30s.
56. Butter Not Have
"Dumped" might be extreme, but on a first date, girl asked me to go buy her popcorn literally as the movie started, so I did, whispered as I was getting up, "You want butter on that?" I brought it back and she says, "Is there butter on this?" I said, "Yes, I asked and you said 'yeah,’" and she said, "No, I specifically said, 'Nah'."
I thought she was joking or something so I said, "Well, maybe this just isn't going to work out," and she said, "I think you're right. Thanks for nothing," and left! But she still took my popcorn. She could have at least thanked me for that.
57. Meeting Expectations
My wife started to feel “trapped” just a few months into our marriage—as in, my expectation of monogamy was too much for her to handle. So she let loose with some absolutely wild behavior. She discovered polyamory, decided that she wanted to be polyamorous with her boss, and retroactively decided that our marriage was an open one. Somehow, despite all this, she was pretty surprised when I divorced her.
58. The Meet the Parents Franchise Gets Dark
His mom made a birthday meal for me. The night before the meal, he verified what kind of cake and frosting I wanted to have. The day of, he was being dodgy over text about not wanting to go his parents' place to eat. Since I knew they made a special dish just for me, I showed up on the time we had agreed to beforehand.
Barely five minutes after I arrived, he showed up in a state of distress. He accepted a phone call from his ex-fiancé and left me with his parents for ten minutes while talking to her in a different room. When he got off the phone call, he came over to me, looked me straight in the eyes and told me, "I need to talk to you outside."
I got up and thanked his parents for preparing the meal (that hadn't yet been served) and asked him to come outside with me. He dumped me on the driveway of his parents' house at my own birthday celebration.
59. Can’t Get Much Worse
The moment I knew we had to break up was when he made fun of my failed suicide attempt. He didn't even say it to my face. I heard him while he was on the phone with the girl he had a "love child" with—during our marriage. Also, this happened after 10 years of being gaslighted and abused by that awful man. There's more, but I really don't care to relive any of it. I recently got remarried to my best friend.
60. Name Calling
My cousin and his fiancée who had been dating for two years, engaged for one, called off the wedding two days before it happened because they realized they'd never discussed whether she was going to keep her maiden name. Then they tried to talk about it, they disagreed, and the fight spiraled into a fight about every disagreement they'd ever had about anything.
They stayed up all night to argue and, somewhere around 3 AM, came to their senses and decided not to get married.
61. And They All Lived Never After
Waited til I was at work. Him and my coworker, who had met the night before when I introduced them, decided they were in love. They went in my apartment and took some of my stuff. She grabbed my clothes and they moved into a tent together. He then got her pregnant. One day, he had his friend call me and ask if he could come back.
She was now on drugs and not taking care of their baby. He wanted me to take him and the baby back. I said you ever call me again, I will call your girlfriend and tell her. Never heard from him again.
62. I’ll Transfer Your Call
She had her stepsister call my parents’ phone (didn't have a cell phone then) to break up with me. Except my dad answered so she told him it was over. He simply said, "I think you want to talk to my son." Looking back, I think it's hilarious.
63. In It for the U-Haul
I was 21, came home from work and everything was gone. She left a milk crate, the tiny tv, a trash can, and the box spring to the mattress. I didn't actually know that she left me, so I called the authorities and told them that someone took everything, including my girlfriend. I was pretty messed up, but the 911 operator was able to calm me down and inform me that my girlfriend most likely left me.
64. Not How We Roll
I was dating this guy for a few months and over Messenger, he broke up with me because “you put the toilet paper the wrong way.”
65. Don’t Save the Date
Background: we were both in our 40s, not married but in a serious relationship. She cheated on me ( only found out three years later when she posted the date of her anniversary with the other guy) and ended it with me to go out with him because he was all excited to get married to her. I wanted to wait until her kids from a prior marriage graduated from college. She didn't. Soon enough, she and I split up and she was engaged to her new man.
It seems like she got the last laugh, but just wait. Since we were never married, but I was providing significant financial support to her, she lost all access to any of my income after she ended the relationship. My guess is he discovered after two or three years that he had made a mistake because he refused to set a wedding date. Around the year that we were originally scheduled to get married, they broke up.
66. No Trading in for an Older Model
After three years, my girlfriend decided to tell me that the only reason she was with me was that she loved my older brother and wanted to come over to see him. My brother had no idea and was just as mad as I was.
67. Pregnant Disaster
I was pregnant with my oldest daughter and had extreme pain one day, so I came home early from work. When I get home I see two purses that I knew weren't mine sitting on the stand. I head to my room to see if my then boyfriend could explain the purses; I'm hearing noises coming from our room. I opened the door to peek in and see the worst thing possible: he is having a threesome. I close the door and just go back into the living room.
I was shocked. I was supposed to be on bedrest, but I was the only one who had a job, so I was going to school and working while he got to stay home all day. I was livid, but what was scary is that I was so furious that I remained calm. I went into the living room, sat on the couch and waited for them to come out; when they finally did I asked them if they had fun?
I told them they needed to get out of my apartment. He tried to talk to me, but I told him he needed to get out. I calmly packed off of his stuff up, had a friend come over because I couldn't do heavy lifting being 7 months pregnant and dropped his stuff off at his parents' house that night. It's still shocking to me that I remained so calm being that angry.
68. Road Trip of Regret
My ex-wife cheated on me, lit my house on fire, took my daughter to Puerto Rico without telling me, abandoned her daughter, ran away to Barcelona and shacked up with a guy, came back and expected me to forgive her... That's only the tip of the iceberg.
69. Comical
My boyfriend really looked up to Captain America, who always did the right thing and stuck to his morals. One day, he said that he wasn’t happy with me because I was not living up to Captain America’s standards of good behavior. That was it for me.
70. Taking Things to the Next Level
When my mom called me and said that I needed to come to the house (30 minutes away) because she didn't know how much longer my grandfather was going to make it. She insisted that I let my girlfriend at the time drive me because she didn't want me driving upset, as I was very close with my pawpaw. Girlfriend agreed... I threw on some shoes and was ready to go. Girlfriend proceeded to get in the shower. And then blow dry and straighten her hair. And then do her makeup.
My mother called when we were 15 minutes away and told me that he'd passed. Had we left when we were supposed to, I would've gotten to say goodbye.
71. Breaking the Golden Rule
I knew it was over when I stopped by my girlfriend's house on the way to work to drop off flowers on her doorstep as a surprise. As I pulled up, I felt my blood run cold. I saw my “friend’s” car parked out front of my girlfriend's house. This was at five in the morning. Oh, and my “friend” was married with a pregnant wife at the time.
72. Pronoun Trouble
My moment of truth was when I told her I loved her for the umpteenth time, and she said, once again, “Who are you trying to convince—me or yourself?” This was from a woman with whom I was planning to marry. It just hurt me so much that she could think that way after all we’d been through. I never recovered emotionally from it and broke off our engagement some months later as a result.
73. Sometimes It’s Not Even a Secret!
I'm a live-in nanny and the parents are going through a particularly nasty divorce (mostly because she's totally insane). Either way, she decided one day that she didn't care anymore, and started bringing this dude she's been sleeping with over to the house, sometimes even while the dad is home. She says "they are just friends," but I've caught them making out on several occasions.
Which she portrays, of course, as that "he kissed her," "she didn't want it" blah blah blah. Really Amanda? Then why did I watch you go sit down on his lap and stick your tongue down his throat? But here's the slimiest part: She's also encouraged the kids (while the Dad isn't home) to call this new guy "daddy." Thankfully the dad has finally realized just how crazy she is and is getting a divorce, but as this is all pretty recent, we haven't found a new place yet.
Thank God he's going for full custody, and that the kids are still really young (and that I'm going with him and the kids). It terrifies me what those kids are going to have to deal with in their lives because she is their mom. She is an incredibly selfish, narcissistic, piece of trash excuse for a human being, and I hope all this karma comes back to bite her on the behind really hard some day.
74. In Lame Man Terms
He didn't like that I used "big words" in conversation because it made him feel "stupid."
75. Bon Voyage!
Not me, but a girl I know married a guy from another continent. They'd been living together for a few months when she came home from work one day to find all his stuff gone. She couldn't figure out what happened to him so eventually called the police, they investigated and informed her that he'd boarded a flight back to his native country.
76. Only One of Us Here Matters, Clearly
When I told him I had just found out my mom was leaving my dad for someone else, and he started complaining about his day at work.
77. Money is No Object
One of my exes was a stickler about money to the point it felt petty. Every time we went out to eat, even after dating for two years, he would flag down the waiter and say, "We need the check split in half. Evenly." If we would spend $5 at the grocery store buying spaghetti and sauce, he would ask me to pay half. It was annoying but not a big problem...until one day.
Anyway, my 17-year-old cat was dying, and I was heartbroken. The day I said goodbye to her, my ex—then boyfriend—took me out for ice cream. We shared a $5 sundae at Dairy Queen. He paid! I was so happy and touched by the small gesture during the worst day of my life. But then in the car afterward, he asked me if we should "settle up now or... because, I mean... the sundae was $4.95 and I don't think you gave me any money for it," and I lost it.
I threw a $20 at him and cried. Listen, I don't expect men to foot the bill all the time, and I definitely like to be fair, but buying your long-term girlfriend a $5 sundae when she's absolutely distraught is not unreasonable. This was 8 years ago, and I'm since engaged to a wonderful and generous man! We share money wonderfully and I think I'm even more appreciative of him because of this particular ex.
78. A Conversation Waiting to Be Discovered
I picked up his phone to change the channel on Chromecast. It unlocked and opened the Messenger app where he was making plans with my roommate to hook up while I was at work the next day.
79. Lies, Lies, and More Lies
When she told me she needed a few weeks to herself to "figure things out." What she was actually doing was planning her wedding to a guy she met at work.
80. Stake Out for an Unfaithful Nurse
Had a suspicion that the wife was seeing someone else. She had been acting "off" for about a week. We would be sitting on the couch and she would get text messages claiming to be from a female friend, yet she would always set the phone face down. A few nights later she tells me that she is going to go cover a shift for a nurse co-worker who just had a miscarriage and that she would be working late.
That night I woke up out of a dead sleep with my heart racing, with just a feeling that something was wrong. I snuck over to her side of the bed, took her phone and went out into the living room to go through her text messages. Sure enough, she had detailed plans to meet up with some guy at a hotel.
I took photos of the texts with my phone as future evidence. I went back to bed, returned her phone and just laid there contemplating my next steps. I finally just laid awake for about four hours until it was time for me to get up for work. I knew they were planning on meeting in the afternoon at the hotel, so when I arrived at work I told my boss that I needed a half day and possibly a few days off afterward.
About an hour before their planned meetup time, I drove to my brother-in-law’s house. I let him know what was going on and asked to borrow his truck so that I could witness their arrival with my own eyes. He made me promise not to confront them. I showed up at the hotel parking lot and about 30 minutes later, they both arrive in his truck.
She was dressed in her work outfit. After they went in, I snuck around to his truck and deflated all his tires (not slashed because that's a bigger offence). She had carefully planned to cover her tracks. She took our two kids to the babysitter dressed in her scrubs to appear like she is going to work. Then drove her car to the parking garage to have him pick her up there, knowing I might drive by her work to see if her car was there.
I left the hotel, went back home, piled every picture we had ever taken together along with photos of our kids on the kitchen table. I packed a bag for myself and the girls and drove down to my hometown to stay with some friends. On the way there, I called the hotel and asked to be connected to the room under her name.
She answered and I don't remember exactly what I said, but something to the effect of "I know where you are and I know what you're doing..." She wasn't really phased until she heard our girls in the backseat laughing and signing. Then she broke down and begged me to come back. I told her we needed a few days away and that they deserve a better mother than her and hung up. She called me constantly and I just sent it straight to voicemail for the next few days.
81. Stooping Down to Say Goodbye
Ex wanted me to drop out of my Master's program six months before graduation so I could work at Walmart for the rest of my life because it hurt his feelings that I had a higher degree than him. So, him being ridiculous made me dump him.
82. For This Couple, It’s the Least Wonderful Time of the Year
My friend married this woman after years of dating. They had only been married for about six months when, on their first Christmas as husband and wife, he bought her a present and she got him nothing in return. Later that night, she left their house without an explanation and didn’t come back until the next morning. Apparently, she had made an account on some dating site earlier that day, met a guy, and slept with him that same night. She came clean to my friend the next day, and that was the end of their six-month marriage.
83. That Was Uncalled for
He pinched my stomach and said, “Getting a little chubby, aren’t we?”
84. You Think You've Had a Long Flight?
Just got on a flight in London headed to Vegas. Sitting next to my GF and she wants to show me something she has planned for the trip so gets out her phone. It opens to the Messages and shows a chat with a guy (I know him) saying how much she is gonna miss him and how she doesn't wanna go away with me anyway. The doors close on the plane and that was a really fun 10-11hrs...
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85. Last Ride
Last Friday when my friend, riding in the passenger seat, wanted me to drop her off at her boyfriend’s so she could live there...While her husband was in the backseat with their child literally crying because he is genuinely scared he will be unable to provide for their baby. Like I had to give him 20 bucks for food because this chick did not care what happened...The mother did not care as she was heading off to get with her new boyfriend.
86. Three’s a Crowd
During my first marriage, I was working two full-time jobs and my unemployed wife was still managing to spend money faster than I could make it. When she suggested I might have to get a third job to keep us afloat, I was done.
87. Sneaking Suspicion
I was married for 11 years and the last couple of them I had suspected he was cheating. I'm not going to bore you all with the details and skip to the tipping point. Valentine's Day of 2011 he called and said he had to work late so we wouldn't be able to go to dinner as planned. I was crushed but accepted it and stayed in with our two small sons and watched The Lion King.
The next morning we're getting ready for work and he asked me to go into his car and retrieve his iPod so he could charge it a little before leaving for the day. I went into his car and didn't immediately see it anywhere so I searched and when I reached into the pocket on the back of the passenger seat, I found a Valentine's Day card from a woman. I walked back in and just held it up and he went totally pale. He didn't even argue, just walked out the door. I moved out to my sister's house that day and filed for divorce the following week.
88. No Heart
She got annoyed that I was spending time with my dad when my granddad was dying in the hospital, instead of spending time with her. She also got annoyed the week after that because I was spending time with my family who I barely ever see…for Christmas.
89. Going All out, Without Being All in
My neighbor’s daughter got married and threw a huge wedding day bash for everyone that she knew to attend. She spent a total of about 50 to 70 thousand dollars on the event. Then, not even two weeks later, she got divorced. She had been cheating on her husband throughout the engagement, but still wanted to experience her “special day.” I heard later on that she had asked her mom whether she would actually have to live with her husband after they got married. That definitely should have raised some red flags.
90. Close Call but No Call
Got really sick last March out of nowhere, and doctors initially thought it could've been colon cancer. I was only 23, so this obviously had me shaken to my core. They expedited everything and a week after I first went in for my symptoms. I was getting put under for them to take a closer look and get biopsies.
Girlfriend knew what time the procedure was and roughly how long it would last. When I came to, I turned my phone on and was blown up from friends all over the US, and the world—so middle of the night for them—asking me what the results were and how I was doing. No text from girlfriend. About an hour later she texted me saying, "Are you serious?" and I asked what she was talking about.
She responded that someone dinged her car door at work. I didn't respond. She then asked me how the procedure went and what the results were. She knew I was upset and said she figured I'd just tell her later. With my symptoms, the doctor's told us if it was colon cancer, it would have to be pretty bad at this point, but yet she was fine with waiting an entire day to hear how I was. Luckily it wasn't cancer. I broke up with her not long after.
91. Talk, Talk, Talk and No Action
We broke up because I asked her if, for once, I could talk about my day. Nope. Not an option. Looking back, thank goodness that happened, but the fallout is still immense.
92. Explosive Battle
My ex-guy was unbuttoning his shirt to change one day while I was making coffee for him. Something wasn't quite in place and I had an unsettling feeling that made me very scared. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw pen inscriptions on his chest—a girl’s name. Carefully and timidly, I asked him what that was and he promptly replied that his pen was leaking.
When I mentioned to him that no stain was visible on the shirt, he flew into a wild fit of rage. He began to cuss about my elderly parents, saying he wishes them to die slow, horrible deaths. My mother, who had been nothing but supportive and kind towards him as long as he had been around, was suffering in the hospital at the time and this was a disgusting and intentional low blow.
He then grabbed the steaming coffee and threw it right at me. At that moment, something deep inside of me just went “Kaboom!” and all my fears of abuse, of being alone, and of what others might think instantly evaporated. I slapped him hard and told him I was done, so he can pack up and go get lost.
I was truly done and there was not one iota of doubt left. He tried to talk me out of this and shamelessly added that I would suffer miserably without him in my life. I did not give in, and I’m so happy I didn’t—my life is much better without him around.
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93. Sweet Revenge
Wife cheats on her husband during his frequent travels for work. She files for divorce and gets to keep the house. Months elapsed and the husband is still rightfully ticked off but has no recourse. Then he has an epiphany: "I wonder if she changed the password to the Nest Thermostat?" She did not.
For the next year he continues to mess with the thermostat. In the middle of summer when they're sleeping in HIS bed, he turns the heat on to 90 degrees at 3 a.m. Middle of winter? Time to shut off the heat and hope the pipes freeze. Away on vacation? Turn the air conditioning down to 55 and let it run 24/7 for a nice surprise bill when they get home.
94. We’re Not There Yet
After a year of being friends and three months of committed, yet casual dating, I kissed her on the cheek for the first time. She broke up with me the next day because I was "moving too fast."
95. Here Today, Gone Tomorrow
When I was in the army, my wife and I were good friends with a newlywed couple that lived a few doors down from us. One day, I got home from work to find the guy sitting on his front door step. I said, "Hey!" He said, "Dude, you gotta come see this." So I walked into his house, and it was completely empty. There was not even a single scrap of paper or a bag of trash.
To make things even weirder, every single cabinet door was open, as was every refrigerator door and every drawer. If it was supposed to be closed, it was open. He said that the front door was wide open when he got home, and every faucet was turned on, too. There was no note or anything whatsoever. His wife was just gone without a trace, and everything in their house was gone with her.
Strangely enough, my wife and I had just dinner with them, at their house, the very night before. We were all laughing it up, drinking wine, and having a great time, with not even the remotest sign of anything being wrong. He said that the first thing he did after making this discovery was to call her parents’ house.
As soon as the phone rang, her father answered the phone and—before the poor guy could even ask if he knew anything about what was going on—he just said: "Bill, you need to let it go," and hung up on him. Remember that line from True Lies when Tom Arnold says that his ex-wife even took the ice cube trays? Well, this girl really did take the ice cube trays.
She also took all of his uniforms and other clothes. He literally only had the clothes on his back and whatever was in his pockets at the time to his name. I never did find out what the motivator was; she was just gone forever.
96. A Cell Phony
I went to a wedding where the bride got drunk and the groom picked up her phone to discover that she had been provocatively texting a coworker throughout the entire wedding. He told the officiant to not file the paperwork. This occurred towards the end of the reception, as they were leaving to go to the honeymoon suite. The story is that she was very drunk.
Her phone kept getting notifications so he decided to pick it up for her. They did not go on their honeymoon and they returned the gifts to everyone. The guests weren’t told about what happened for a couple of weeks, as the bride was trying everything she could to save the relationship. Regardless, it was a great reception!
97. In Your Absence
My girlfriend met another guy and married him while I was visiting family in California...for six days.
98. I’ve Got a Little Secret
It happened to my college roommate, who was one of my closest friends at the time. He met a girl in junior year that our ENTIRE group of friends thought was wrong for him. But, alas, love is blind. Fast forward to summer after graduation, and they are planning to get married in the fall. I am asked to be part of the wedding ceremony.
The two of them ended up being apart for most of the summer, as he was busy working while she was still finishing up school and working on putting the wedding together. Finally, the summer was over and the big day arrived, so we all converged on her home town in Colorado. The wedding went down, as did the big reception. LOTS of money clearly was clearly dropped on this one reception by the two families.
We see them off to the honeymoon, and I return to my home sweet home in St. Louis. A week later, I get a call from him asking if he can come stay with me. Despite my confusion and many questions, I said sure. I picked him up at the airport. He was by himself. At his insistence, we hit the nearest bar, and I immediately got to hear all about how he had just found out that she cheated on him over the summer, but went ahead with the marriage anyway because she had felt pressured by how much her parents were spending on everything. But it the story got even worse from there.
She told him about this pretty much as soon as they were alone together, right AFTER the ceremony. She did not choose to tell him about it at any point during the week to 10 days that they were alone together for BEFORE the wedding. She insisted that they still go on the honeymoon to "work things out." Nevertheless, she refused to be intimate with my roommate, as she still had feelings for the other guy.
So he left and never returned to her. He then had the marriage annulled within six months.
99. Keep It to Yourself
She wasn't a very social person and didn't get along with people. I took her to a Thanksgiving family gathering and at one point a little cousin of mine walked passed her and she mentioned out loud that she hates that little girl and how annoying she is IN FRONT OF THAT LITTLE GIRL'S SISTER WHO IS SITTING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HER! She was just very rude and had no social awareness. Sorry, family comes first and even though I don't like some people I don't say it in front of everybody and be rude about it.
100. Think of the Children!!
So this wedding took place in an Episcopal church. The priest had all his finery on and the church itself was decorated very nicely for the occasion. The bride and groom had made a point of asking everyone to wear casual clothes. We all took that to mean "semi-formal." Nope. They and their kids all came out wearing overalls and white t-shirts.
They stood next to the priest, who was in his formal robes. The other cringey part was when the groom, in the middle of the ceremony, started repeatedly talking about the Bible verse "let the little children come to me" and insisting it implied "and listen to what they're telling you." He kept saying that over and over again, even though most of us had no idea what he meant.
He then launched into an impromptu twenty-minute speech explaining about how he and the bride had gotten together. There were plenty of parts in the story where the groom was like "I wasn't sure she was right for me," but his son was pressing him because "he wanted a mom." It was a sad story actually, as his biological mom passed away when the kid was only four and this was eight years later.
So, his speech was basically this long and unfocused story that boiled down to "I'm marrying this woman so that my kid can have a mom." That, and some more confusing Bible references mixed in here and there for good measure. Not a good sign when that's your main reason for getting married to someone. Nevertheless, I knew it, probably half the attendees knew it, and the priest definitely knew it.
That whole background story might have been okay to tell during the reception, under a certain kind of atmosphere, but I have no idea why he decided to tell it in the middle of the actual wedding ceremony. When all was said and done, I’m pretty sure this couple ended up getting divorced less than two years later.
