There’s nothing quite like finding yourself trapped in a humiliating situation. From cringeworthy moments at the doctor’s office to disastrous slips of the tongue, these Redditors have experienced the dreaded full-body flush. Buckle up, because these wild stories are about to give you a generous helping of secondhand embarrassment.
1. Doing Things the Old Fashioned Way
I was at the doctor’s office for a physical exam before my freshman year of college. The doctor was this assertive and intimidating female, and it came time for the hernia check. Now, for my whole life, this procedure has always involved the doctor cupping my private area and asking me to cough. However, I guess they only need to feel just above the private area these days as opposed to the area itself.
I was not aware of this fact at the time—and it led to the most mortifying experience of my life. So, I’m sitting on the exam table, and the doctor asks me to unbutton my pants for the hernia exam. I was completely ignorant to the fact that they didn’t need to actually come down. She then turned away to go get a glove. At this point, I pulled my pants down to my knees. She walks over with a perfect poker face and calmly places her hand on my lower stomach and asks me to cough.
She checked both sides twice. The entire time, my privates were needlessly exposed. She never said a word about it or even acknowledged that fact. I guess I got lucky to have that particular doctor on that particular day. If someone a little more emotive had been the one checking me, I might never have lived down the embarrassment.
2. Not Self Aware Enough
When I was in my final grade of elementary school and around 12 years old, I got overly self aware of the fact that I “leak.” It was basically pee droplets in my boxers due to not shaking enough. So, I figured one summer day that the thing that my mother kept next to the toilet must be to prevent this. So the brilliant 12 yo me took a menstrual pad and put it in my boxers, happy that my problem has been solved.
Later that day I was in a hurry to catch a bus, so I ran, getting pretty sweaty during this. But, lucky me, I caught the bus and even found a seat in the front row with my math teacher and her daughter, who was in my class. Also, I happened to have a crush on her, which doesn’t help this story at all. I paid the driver for the ride and said hello while passing them. I couldn’t shake the feeling that they were looking at me somewhat weirdly. Something was definitely wrong—but it was so much worse than I’d imagined.
I was walking to my seat when I heard the voice of an old lady who stood behind me in line. “Young man, I believe you have dropped something.” I turned around. Everyone, including the driver, my teacher, my crush and the old lady who was in the line behind me were staring at me. I was mortified when I saw the reason: The menstrual pad had slipped from my sweaty boxers, through my shorts, and fallen in the middle of the passage in its sweaty, crumpled, peed glory.
So yeah. The rest of the school year didn’t go well. Neither did my love interest with the crush. I had no idea back then that you are supposed to use a sticker to make the menstrual pad stay in your pants. So, I guess, that’s one lesson learned. And yes, I’m male.
3. A Crushing Feeling
I’m gay and had an intense crush on my straight best friend in eighth grade. I just found him to be the cutest and sweetest person ever. I may have searched up his name on Google a few times to see the results. One day, we’re sitting in the movie theater waiting for the film to start. We’re just chilling and I show him a YouTube video of me that pops up if you Google my name.
He tells me that the Google result for his name is his old Twitter account. I guess I must have spaced out in that moment because I gave probably the stupidest and creepiest answer someone could give in that situation: “I know.” I very quickly realized what I had just said and tried to backtrack by claiming that I search up classmates’ names when I’m bored.
He must have noticed my extreme blushing and obvious lack of eye contact though because he just smiles and tells me not to lie to him because he isn’t stupid. At this point, I’m way too flustered to say anything else because I just confessed my feelings in the worst way possible, but he thankfully never told anyone else and kept being my friend with a few light teases here and there.
4. There Will Be Blood
I was seven years old and my parents were hosting a family and friends gathering at our home. During these types of events, I mostly stayed out of the way and played video games in the living room. The adults would frequently walk by and ask me what I was playing and whatever. It was always nice. A few hours into this particular party, I decided that I wanted some soda. This is where it all went wrong.
I go to the fridge and see one of those little ice breaking hammers, and I proceed to stick my tongue onto it like the cartoon characters always did, just to have a little laugh. I pulled it off immediately and there was blood everywhere. I ran into the other room crying, with my bloody tongue sticking out, to the absolute horror of every single adult who was over.
Now, you’d think this would be the big moment, but it got so much worse. A family friend who was a doctor was there and he came over to me, saw my tongue, and told me: “I think it’s fine, I just need you to spit out some blood so I can get a better look.” I proceeded to spit my entire mouthful of blood directly into his face. Every single person that saw it lost their mind laughing. Even the doctor himself!
5. Scarred For Life
In the seventh grade, a couple of friends and I go to friend X’s house to play Super Smash Bros Melee. After playing for a bit, friend X decides to go to the bathroom. Being a horrible seventh grader, I got the idea to go on his computer and look inside his trash bin because, “I bet he deleted illicit photos before we got here LOLOLOLOL, right guys?!”
We go on his computer, and lo and behold, there are pictures of a middle-aged Asian lady getting naked for a dude on a webcam. After X comes back, we ask him about the pictures. He seems genuinely confused. We showed him, and he just started screaming. It turns out the pictures were his mom getting naked for a random guy on a webcam…
I never realized how potentially scarring that moment was until a year ago. X and I went to different high schools, and we kind of stopped talking, but we go to the same university now. Even though we still don’t really talk, I will never forget him.
6. Messaging Machine Mistakes
This makes me want to die every time I think about it. When I was around six or seven, my best friend lived next door to me. They were the well-to-do type because they had an answering machine, while my family did not. This was circa 1995. So, I never really thought much about how an answering machine worked. I mean, I got the general concept, but I am an idiot.
Anyway, I would call their house before coming over and ask if Michael was home. From time to time, they would be gone to Disneyland or be making pottery or helping disadvantaged children or whatever rich people do with their time and I would leave a message. At first, I’d leave messages like, “Oh, you’re not home, just me calling, call me back.” Click.
After a while, I realized that you could listen to the message back. This is where it gets mortifying. Gradually I would start to leave more messages just to listen to myself talk because I was a little narcissistic douche. Eventually, I would leave messages that went something like this, “I love Danielle, I want to have intercourse with her, we would have intercourse all the time, Danielle is so hot.”
Mind you, I really had no idea what intercourse even was, but I wanted to do it. And since I was an idiot and didn’t realize you could delete the message, my poor neighbors would arrive home to these gems. Needless to say, they made my parents listen to these messages and they talked to me about it. All I remember from “the talk” was that I wanted to die from shame, and I had no idea what intercourse actually was. WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST DELETE THE MESSAGES!?
7. A Minor Miscommunication
When I was about eight or nine years old, I had to get a routine physical in order to participate in sports at my school. My dad took me to the doctor. Everything went great until the doctor told my dad he needed to get a urine sample. My dad hands me the cup and tells me to go to the bathroom, do my business in the cup, and bring it back to him.
I, being a bit naive, did not know what urine was, so I went into the bathroom and promptly pooped in the cup. My dad was waiting for me near the front desk of the doctor’s office since we were leaving after turning in the cup. I proudly walked up, handed the cup to my dad, and said, “Is this enough or should I go back and scoop up some more from the bowl?”
The nurse at the desk looked up and nearly spit her coffee out all over my dad when she saw what I had done. In a very abrupt tone, he quickly set the cup on the desk and said, “We are leaving right now.” I didn’t understand what was wrong until later that night when my mom came into my room to explain my mistake to me.
8. Another Year, Another Disappointment
I was a rather fat middle schooler on Valentine’s Day when they were handing out “candy grams” which were a piece of candy you could buy at lunch that would be delivered in the homeroom to your significant other on Valentine’s Day. It was a low point every year for me as a kid, as I never got anything and never expected anything. But, in the seventh grade or so, the teacher handed me a candy gram from the hottest, most popular girl in the class.
It was a paragraph love letter. I could not believe it. I was over the moon…then I realized with horror what was happening. The teacher looked at the card and saw that it was TO the most popular girl in the glass FROM someone who happened to have the same first name as myself. I had to hand it to her and return to my seat with nothing. I still think back to that time and want to throw up.
9. Spreading The Love
One time, I was in a shopping mall when I heard someone say my name. At least, it sounded like my name. I looked up from my phone to see this pretty girl walking towards me with outstretched arms and a smile. She looked so familiar, like someone I knew from my high school. So, of course, my dumb, nearsighted self, opened his arms wide to receive and reciprocate the hug. It hurts to remember what happened next.
She side-stepped around me neatly like a ballerina-ninja and delivered the hug to its rightfully intended owner, who was right behind me in my blind spot. Evidently, this gentleman must have had a name that sounded something like mine. Her side-step left me fumbling to play off the most embarrassing moment of my life. I still cringe when I think about this.
After hightailing it out of there, with my dignity in shreds, I met up with a few friends and I was able to put the entire debacle behind me. Only it wasn’t over. I ran into ballerina-ninja and the hug thief once again, who by a supreme “screw you” by the universe had been joined by a couple of their friends. I glanced in their direction, and saw her nudge her friends and whisper something while pointing in my direction. Then they all laughed.
10. Thunder First, Helicopter Second
When I was about 12, my dad had a client over for dinner. Halfway through dinner, I felt an apocalyptic thunder-poo trundling towards freedom, so I urgently excused myself and ran upstairs to the toilet. Our bathroom was at the top of our stairs, and the toilet faced the door, which I’d left open in my haste. I still don’t know why I did this, but once everything was clear down below, I decided to sit back down on the toilet and helicopter my wiener.
I’d only recently worked out that I could do this, and I guess I fancied doing that instead of heading back down to dinner. Needless to say, I suddenly think I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. My first instinct is to mash my junk back into my pants and act like I was washing my hands, but I didn’t get that far because my garbage brain thought it would be better to try and close the door instead.
During that moment of indecision, the shining top of this client’s bald head came into view. It all happened in slow-motion: the sound of his imminent arrival, my indecision about how to cover whatever I was doing, his head emerging from the edge of the staircase, and him staring directly at my still-rotating piece. He just stopped for a second and turned around. I didn’t look at him for the rest of the dinner.
11. Splashing Around
I was sleeping over at a girlfriend’s house, and in the middle of the night, I needed to take a leak. So, I got up, went about my business, and went back to bed. In the morning, I wake up next to a slender Burmese man. I was extremely confused and I looked out the doorway to see her standing there signaling me out. Yup. I slept with my girlfriend’s dad.
12. An Act of Dominance
I’m a big guy, but my fiancé’s female Australian Shepherd always acted dominant around me, and tried to hump my leg on several occasions. So, one day on the back deck of our house, it went at me again. I decided to show her who’s boss. I grabbed her from behind and started humping her. I did this for, I don’t know, 10 seconds.
When I looked up, the new neighbors—who’d just bought the house next door, were all standing in the yard holding their cardboard boxes… just watching me. At the moment, I thought, “It will seem odd if I stop now.” So, I kept going and just waved to them casually. They didn’t say a word, and the next week, they put the house back up for sale.
13. Taking a Morning Flight
I once had to go to the doctor for a routine smear test as a student. I hadn’t slept the night before, as I’d been partying hard. I was still not quite with it by the time my appointment came around in the morning. The male doctor hadn’t performed a smear before, and for some reason, a nurse was called in to witness the procedure.
Predictably, the doctor had trouble finding my cervix and the nurse told me to roll my hips up. The doctor was visibly getting more and more nervous—and then I managed to make it so, so much worse. To break the ice, I started singing the old Rawhide theme song. “Rolling rolling rolling, keep those doggies movin, Rawhide!” I know this sounds like a ridiculous thing to do, but for some reason, it made sense in my head at the time.
Then, I started to laugh uncontrollably at my own joke. This caused the doctor’s speculum to come aggressively flying out of my hooha and shooting straight towards him. It hit him right in the face and knocked his glasses off. I was totally shocked and embarrassed and did not have any idea how I should react. The lab results ended up coming back inconclusive.
14. He’s Always Watching
I was 13 and at a female friend’s “family friendly party.” All the kids were on the second floor. We were all dancing and trying to outdo each other in a comical way. I decided to get on all fours and pretend to spank myself, wondering why no one was laughing at me, so I tried harder. Everyone gave me a weird look. I turned around—and my stomach dropped.
Her father, who happens to be a Minister, was just standing there looking at me. He didn’t say anything, just turned around and went back downstairs. It still haunts me 19 years later.
15. Picture Frames And Printers
I had a crush on a girl in high school for about two years. On Valentine’s Day, I went to Michael’s craft store, got a picture frame and crafts, and painted her a pastel-colored picture frame with her name on it. It looked okay. I gave it to her, she was excited and hugged me. Then she got up, left for a minute, came back, and put it on her nightstand with a picture in it.
Before I looked, I confessed my love without making eye contact or breaking a whisper level. Then, I looked up…at the picture of her and her new boyfriend she just got. Then, she noticed I was close to crying. Then, her mom came into the room and was having problems with her printer. So, I stayed for the longest 30 minutes of my life holding back tears trying to fix her mom’s printer while I waited for my mom to come pick me up. Oh my God, worst flashback ever.
16. Poor Word Choice
Oh my gosh, most embarrassing moment of my life by far. I was in middle school about 10 years ago and basically at the most vulnerable age of my life where everyone was trying so hard to be cool and accepted in the eyes of their peers. My mom had a lot of older sayings that I would hear a lot, and some of them rubbed off on me.
One of those sayings was “being fingered” when someone would flip her off. She was fond of saying this in traffic whenever she’d cut anyone off. I didn’t know it meant anything other than giving the one finger salute. You think you know where this is going, but it’s so much worse. Soooo, one day I was walking in a very crowded hallway after lunch and trying to be a cool girl and whatever.
All of a sudden, the most popular guy a grade above me bumped into me while running towards his locker. I yelled at him to watch where he was going, but in a joking manner, more to get his attention than anything else. Well, he turned around and flipped me off. And to get the attention of everyone else and to brag that one of the popular boys had noticed me, I shouted, “Hey! Mike fingered me!”
Bro, everyone and their moms stopped and turned to look at me and laugh. Mike looked upset and ran off. One of my friends pulled me to the side and told me what “fingering” meant. I immediately ran to the bathroom crying and refused to come out. I was then dubbed “finger girl” for the next few weeks until someone got beat up and that was considered more interesting.
17. Such Great Heights
I was on a cruise ship, watching the water below the deck. The movement and the creatures in the water were fascinating to see. As I looked, I said, “Wow, look at those fish. They look like tiny dolphins!” A woman next to me looked at me like I was crazy and said, “They are dolphins…you’re on the thirteenth floor!” I almost died of embarrassment.
18. The Perfect Storm
I was in community college at the time and two of my friends and I were starring in a student run production of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, Abridged. The whole show is about three goofy guys acting out all the parts in every one of Shakespeare’s works, so there’s a lot of running around and instant costume changes.
Our core costume was velvet shorts, puffy shirts, purple stockings, and Chuck Taylors. We had been doing a lot of dress rehearsals to get used to costume changes and our budget was low so we had opted for the cheap stockings which began to fray at the crotch. About a week before our first show we decided to do a little promo show on the sidewalk in a big downtown open air mall to get people interested.
The show was going great. There was a decent crowd around and we had just finished the bit where we rapped “Othello, the moor of Venice,” when I saw them in the very front. Two college age girls are leaning in towards one another and whispering and smiling and pointing at my crotch. I looked down…and wanted to throw up. The end of my Johnson had been out of the front of my shorts for god knows how long.
All the animated movement and the bad panty hose and the loose fly of the shorts had come together to create the perfect storm. I swiftly grabbed a kilt and wrapped it around myself and shuffled away once we took our bow. I made sure to take a needle and thread to those shorts when we got back. My face was so red. Dear god…there were children there.
19. When One Door Opens, Another One Closes
This happened to my friend’s mother. She was trying out a new OB/GYN. Post-examination, she was given a cup and directed to supply the office with a urine sample. Upon arriving at the bathroom, she was shocked to see that the room had no door! She assumed that this new, free-wheeling OB/GYN office didn’t have bathroom doors and that all the patients must do their business in the light.
So, nervously, she proceeded to create and collect the urine sample as people walked by in the hallway outside. I imagine they all pretended not to notice or gave her strange looks, but it wasn’t until she was leaving the bathroom that she noticed the fully retracted sliding door. That has to be one of the most awkward things I’ve ever heard of in my life…
20. Definitely Not For You
I was at work on my birthday and saw a man walk in with a HUGE bouquet of flowers. I stopped the haircut I was doing, rushed to the front of the busy salon, all aflutter, and took the flowers from his hands. I didn’t realize I was making a mistake until it was too late. Not only were the flowers not for me, the man wasn’t even a delivery person. He was my new coworker’s husband who’d come to bring her flowers.
He just stared at me while I gushed about what a great boyfriend I had, until he finally said, “I’m so sorry, but could I have those back so I can give them to my wife?”
21. The Sneeze
Back in high school, I was a socially awkward geek. In French class, I answered all the questions right. After my 15th question, the popular girl behind me goes cough, nerd, cough. I cough and cuss at her. The whole class gasped—I had cussed out the popular girl in class. She spits on the back of my head, and punches me in the back.
I turn around, about to spit on her, and suddenly… I get the huge urge to sneeze. Yep, you guessed it. I sneezed all over her. My snot was like a web between my nose and her face. I was sent out of the classroom, as the girl screamed and started crying. An hour later, everybody knows. On the bright side, I met the girl’s big brother later that day and he fist-bumped me because she was a pain at home.
22. All By Their Lone Self
I went to visit my grandparents in Delaware when I was 15 and my grandmother drove me out to Jolly Roger’s Amusement Park. She didn’t go on many of the rides, so I was always going up in line alone. I was last in line for the bumper cars and of course, there were no more cars left when I got to the front. I watched people have fun for 5 minutes and as I waited, nobody else got in line behind me.
Their fun ended and it was finally my turn. The operators let me get in a car and switched the ride on. I was hoping at least one of them would ride around, too, but no…they just watched me sit there. So, I started driving in circles and ramming empty cars. Oh but wait—it gets so much worse. As this was going on, a line started building up again. I saw those people and sat there again for a bit, looking from the line to the people in charge of the ride.
Nothing. I continued to drive in circles for the longest 5 minutes of my life as the line got longer and longer. My timer ends and the cars shut off. I’m sitting there thinking I get another go since that was pretty stupid of them. Nope, they came up to me asking for more tickets. Of course, I had none left and had the saddest, loneliest walk off of one of my favorite amusement park attractions.
23. Middle School Dares
I was tormented by pretty much my entire class in elementary school, and I had a crush on this popular boy who treated me like dirt. On our sixth-grade field trip, we were all sitting around having lunch, and someone dared him to kiss me. He starts coming towards me and everyone is laughing and chanting like this is the most hilarious thing ever.
I grabbed my backpack and ran. My backpack wasn’t zipped. All my stuff went flying. I had to turn around and go back to pick up my cassette tapes and walkman and stuff while everyone just laughed.
24. Swing Batter Batter
Let me just start this post by saying that I was not a very smart nine-year-old. There was an old wooden play set in my backyard when I was a kid. I don’t remember exactly what happened to anger my dumb nine-year-old brain, but let’s just say I fell off of the play set. Instead of dealing with the situation calmly and maturely, I decided to blame the play set itself for my own incompetence.
I decided to take my anger out on it. I grabbed a metal baseball bat that was laying close by. I put my arms above my head and swung the bat downwards towards one of the play set’s ladder rungs, as hard as I possibly could. I did not win. The metal bat came back toward me and hit me square in the middle of the forehead.
I laid there unconscious for a while and, when I woke up, I had a huge lump where my forehead used to be. That lump stayed with me for a long while after that, as a constant reminder of my defeat for the next few weeks. So yeah. I knocked myself unconscious with a metal baseball bat because I got mad at a wooden play set in my backyard…
25. Singing Through the Phone
I was on the phone with the tax office one time, and I’d been on hold for a good 20 minutes before I got overly bored. I decided I’d play my guitar to pass the time. For the next 15 minutes, I played and sang my heart out. Finally, a man took me off hold to tell me that the entire office thoroughly enjoyed my musical stylings, and that I made his day better. I had no idea they could listen to that, and had completely forgotten what I phoned the tax office for.
26. Wandered And Got Lost
I went camping with some friends once and we ate some shrooms. At one point, I had to go to the bathroom, so I went to find the bathroom on the campground, did my business, and went back to our campsite. I grabbed a drink from the cooler and it was Bud Light and I thought that was weird because I don’t drink Bud Light and neither do any of my friends, but I just wanted something cold in my mouth so I didn’t care.
I sat down at the fire and started drinking. I realized everybody had gone quiet and was staring at me. First I was like “Why aren’t you guys talking? Did I do something?” then “Why are you staring at me like that??” then it clicked “OH MY GOD YOU’RE NOT MY FRIENDS WHERE AM I?” I went to the wrong campsite and just plopped my tripping butt down at the fire with a family of four.
They just looked horrified. I’ll never forget the look on their faces. This was years ago so maybe the kids are on Reddit now, if so and you’re reading this, I’m sorry for ruining your camping trip.
27. This One Holds Some Weight
The last time I was at my doctor’s office, I was kept waiting in the exam room for a really long time. Like long enough to go through all three magazines in the room. Eventually, severe boredom set in and I started looking for other things to do to pass the time. There was a scale in the corner of the room, so I thought, “What the heck? Let’s weigh some stuff!”
I started with my shoes, and eventually moved on to the magazines and my clothes. When I ran out of personal stuff, I surveyed the room and decided that I would like to know how much a chair weighed. So, I picked up the doctor’s huge chair and placed it on the scale to investigate. This was the exact moment when the doctor and her resident decided to enter the room. There I am, wearing nothing but a hospital gown and socks, balancing a chair on a scale for no apparent reason…
At least I was able to satisfy my curiosity!
28. Paul Fart, Mall Shopper
I pooped in my pants at the mall as a six year old girl. I had accidentally farted in the shoe store, and my sister thought that this was absolutely hilarious. “Again!” she exclaimed, as I forced a follow-up fart out. In complete stitches now, “Again!” she cackled. I complied with another loud one. She was laughing so hard that she was nearly in tears.
She shouted: “Again!!!!!!” This turned out to be a request that we would all regret. The point of no return in what was already a horribly unpleasant situation for anyone else around us. Although I no longer had any gas in me, I pushed as hard as I could, determined to make my sister laugh even harder than she already had at this point.
Then, a moment too late, I realized that I was in the process of pooping myself. I can only assume that my sister would have been filming this whole incident on her iPhone, had they been available back in the 1990s. I’m pretty glad that they weren’t. I never would have been able to live that moment down if it had gone on the internet for everyone to see.
29. Taking T-Rex To The Next Level
I was about 10 and going to a daycare, and it was pretty late because my dad tended to not care much about picking me up on time. Me and this kid were two of the last five or so kids to get picked up, and I was really bored and I wanted to play “dinosaurs” or something. So I went t-rex mode and started snarling around and such, but he didn’t want to play and I just kept doing it. I don’t know why, but I ended up biting him on his…private area.
The kid had to go into the bathroom, one with two doors and three toilets, but it was unisex essentially, and have his junk checked out by this enormous fat lady and another who was probably 60 years old. His balls were apparently red/irritated…because I bit them. The next day, the guy’s older sister was berating me. I, like the genius child I was, threatened to do the same to her.
30. Couldn’t See It All
Here’s one thing I hate about grocery store lines: They’re all separate. I would much prefer that everyone wait in a single line and move to the next available cashier, like in customs. We all know how much we hate waiting in line and seeing everyone around us go much, much quicker. Well, I was having a particularly bad day, and I chose a particularly slow line in the grocery store. Ridiculously slow.
The lines that were twice as long were sailing through, and I wasn’t moving at all. Then, I realized the problem. A horrible cashier was taking his sweet time, swiping groceries through one at a time, using only one hand. He didn’t care. It was some teenager with a scowl on his face, probably forced to work there by his parents. Finally, I’d had enough.
I snapped, “This line is huge! Things would go a lot quicker if you used two hands.” The two people in front of me turned and stared with looks of horror and disgust. Finally, the cashier, with a totally blank look on his face, turned toward me as well. His left arm had been amputated at the shoulder.
31. The Sound Of…Something Other Than Music
I was in a choir when I was a kid. On one occasion, I had an upset stomach, so I was lying down while everyone else was practicing their vocal exercises. The adults all thought that I was faking the illness to get out of having to practice, so eventually they made me get up and sing with everyone. My worst nightmare happened immediately after.
A few minutes later, I puked all over another kid’s head. They let me go home after that.
32. A Robe and a Wink
Ran downstairs to get a shirt and bra off the clothes drying rack in my basement one morning, only to find my sister’s boyfriend on the floor where he had spent the night. Completely topless, I pulled the, “Maybe if I’m really quiet, he won’t notice I’m here.” After successfully getting through the door to my laundry freedom, I get a robe and a wink for Christmas about a month later. Fail.
33. A Tasty Treat
I recently had a sore throat and, when trying to get a good look at it in the mirror, I noticed these large, pink spots, all over the very back of my tongue. I spent a week fretting over it, wondering what they were and why they weren’t going away. Finally, my mom and I got worried enough about them that she went with me to my doctor.
Upon examining my throat and tongue, my doctor pronounced that what I was seeing was…my taste buds. I have never seen my doctor, who is an incredibly stoic man, smile so wide before. He clearly thought that this whole thing was hilarious. I was totally embarrassed. My family is never going to let me live this one down.
34. Keep The Change
I was working at my first job at an ice cream shop. A customer’s order came out to $7.50 and he handed me cash. I counted a Lincoln and four Washingtons. Perplexed as to why he’d handed me $9 for $7.50, I asked, “Keep the change?” He looked at me like I had three heads. Then, he got this sympathetic, condescending look on his face as if I was dumb. “Uh… I guess so?” he said.
I looked down again and realized he had handed me $8. I tried to explain that I had miscounted, but he interrupted me by saying, “No, no. That’s fine. Keep it—help put you through college.” Just the pure condescending tone made me feel like a complete idiot. I still think about it sometimes and cringe.
35. Agent Of Chaos
I had, and still have, terrible eyesight. I always had to wear glasses as a kid, as did both my younger brother and my younger sister. One of the times my cousin visited us, he said he wanted to wear glasses too, so he asked us for an idea that could make him need glasses. My suggestion was horrific. I told him to try peeing in his eyes, as it would probably make things blurry.
My cousin then proceeded to emit a vertical stream of urine into his own face, successfully having the better part of it land in his eyes. He never got glasses, and this incident is still brought up at almost every family gathering we have. Oh, and I once, at a very young age, told my even younger brother there was chocolate in the yard left by our dachshunds.
It was not chocolate, and I knew it. Yet another thing that is still brought up at almost every family gathering. Looking back, I was a pretty bad kid…
36. Ain’t That A Kick In The Head
Back when I was a young lassie, I was once trying to impress my crush by showing him how high I could kick. In the process of doing so, I accidentally slipped and broke my wrist. It was pretty darn embarrassing. I’d say my attempt to impress him failed pretty drastically, and if social media had been around back then the video definitely would have made the rounds.
37. Shock and Awe
I went to the hospital when I was a teenager and my doctor was a rather attractive young lady. She had to check me for testicular cancer. The room was curtained off and my parents were waiting right on the other side, fully within earshot. The doctor was looking away when I pulled my pants down and she said, “Oh my gosh,” in an annoyed voice when she turned to find me pantsless.
I thought I had done something wrong and said sorry. As it turned out, the removal of my pants hadn’t been what had annoyed her. It was that her beeper had gone off. I guess she had been extremely busy. Now, the story isn’t too embarrassing at face value, until you realize that my parents could hear but not see this short exchange.
I don’t want to imagine what they thought had just caused a pubescent teenager to have to apologize to an attractive doctor while she was examining his privates…
38. The Stupidest Man Alive
I had an oral examination board when I was in the Navy during which I just completely froze up and forgot almost everything I knew about what I was getting examined on. I could barely get a coherent string of words out. It was three hours of me just sitting there dumb whilst my Captain and two more of my superior officers just asked me questions I couldn’t answer whilst looking at me like I was the stupidest man alive.
It was excruciating and the most spectacular failure of my whole life. I’d spent months preparing and it just looked like I’d done no work for it at all. Suffice to say, my performance was so bad I got carpeted and did not get a second chance. I had no idea what happened to me, I could answer most of the questions now, no sweat. I ended up leaving the Navy very soon after that.
That was about six years ago. I couldn’t care less about not being in the Navy anymore, it was the right choice for me and I’m more than happy with what I do now, but hoo boy, just thinking about that interview is enough to make my skin crawl.
39. Blowin’ in the Wind
When I was giving birth to my second child, I was determined to not have a bowel movement. I even took an enema to help prevent this from happening. It did clean me out as intended, however, it also caused the worst gas that I had ever had in my life. I had an epidural, so I couldn’t really feel anything. By the time I was ready to push, I figured the gas had already passed…Boy, was I wrong.
I let the doctor know I was ready and he went right down there “in the danger zone.” He timed my contractions and let me know when it was time for a good push. I pushed with all my baby delivering might and inadvertently ripped the biggest, longest fart I have ever heard. Right in his face. I saw his hair literally blow back. The fact that he was young and attractive didn’t exactly make me feel any better about it…
40. Stressed, Stink, And A Social Idiot
When I was 10, my dad had his co-workers over to our house with their families for a Christmas party. My mom was doing the whole hostess thing and had been stressed out. I went to use the bathroom in the middle of the party and it stunk something fierce. Being 10 and a social idiot, I then walked out into the big room with the party going on and yelled while waving my hands in a smelly motion “WHEWW, WHO MADE THE BATHROOM STINK SO BAD?!”
I can still picture my poor horrified and embarrassed mom’s face when admitting it was her.
41. No Time Like The Present
When I was about six or seven years old, I was once wearing overalls and standing in the foyer of my house. Suddenly, I had a massive urge to take a poop. Although the washroom was literally just a few feet away, a bizarre urge overtook me that I couldn’t resist. I started to stand still and take a poop right then and there.
The log slithered out of my underwear and rolled down my pant leg, straight onto the floor. I looked at it, walked away, and then acted like nothing ever happened. No shame.
42. Same Name, Different Meaning
When I was around 14 years old, I used to play videogames all day. So, my mother made me go to a group therapy for gaming addicted people. So we made our way there and I entered a room full of people at least twice my age. After I stepped inside, the door was locked. This was to have a secure location to talk. That’s when it hit me. The German term for “gaming addiction” can refer to gambling as well.
So, here I was, 14 years old and in a room full of people who have lost their possessions/family over a severe gambling addiction that had ruined their lives and they made me talk about my gaming addiction. Lots of fun!
43. The Piano Bar
A couple of years ago I was at a popular piano bar with my friend for her birthday. We were sitting in the very front by the pianos and there were about 200 people in the bar at the time. I went to the restroom and when I came back, the piano players called me over. I danced with them and my backside was facing the audience. When I sat down these two random women come over to me. They said the worst thing possible: “Your dress is tucked into your underpants.”
I had been dancing with my bum hanging out the whole time.
The first time my girlfriend and I went out on a date, we went mini-golfing. Wanting to be the awesome cool new boyfriend and assert my dominance, I jumped across a river and made it. On my attempt to jump back, the rock I was stepping on slipped and I fell sideways into the river. My white shorts were dyed blue along with my shirt and half of my body. I ran through the mini-golf course, jumped over the fence to the parking lot, and waited in my car until my girlfriend could stop laughing enough to get in the car.
45. Worse Than a Toothache
When I was studying to become a dentist, I was shadowing a doctor in the Emergency Room for a couple of weekends as part of my education in general medicine. Well, late one Saturday, a young girl, around 18 years of age I think, comes in with her parents because of the severe stomach pains that she was experiencing.
The doctor asks a few questions and then asks the girl to take off her pants and lay down on her side. The doctor then puts on a glove and shoves a finger up the girl’s butt. I had seen this before, standard procedure, but never with a cute girl as the receiver. So I was already feeling a bit embarrassed by that point.
But it soon got so much worse. While this is going on, the girl’s father turns to me and asks me how many years I’ve got left until I’m a doctor. My response was, “Well umm, I’m actually studying to become a dentist.” He gave me the most awkward look I have ever received in my life, clearly wondering why I was even there to begin with. Really made me feel I was at the wrong end of things…
46. The Weird Awakening
I was about six or seven when I realized that rubbing myself on one of those giant exercise balls felt really good. I told my cousin and he tried it, but said it didn’t feel good and that I was a liar. Later that year I remember we were play fighting and then somehow I ended up rubbing up on him in the same fashion. Our parents pulled us apart. I hope with everything in me that he does not remember this. Also, I am female. Ugh.
47. A Case of Mistaken Identity
When I was about 12 years old, I had to go to the hospital to have my appendix taken out. It was the first operation of any kind that I had ever undergone and I was very nervous. The doctor had asked me to tell him or a nurse when I passed gas. I guess this would be a sign that my bowels were starting to wake up from the anesthesia or whatever.
Well, I woke up late at night that evening and passed gas. I saw a guy in white passing by, so I called him over and said, “Excuse me, I just passed gas.” With a confused expression on his face, he said “Okay. Well, you should probably tell a nurse.” He then continued mopping the floor. Yes, that’s right. I needlessly announced my flatulence to the janitor.
48. I Walk The Line
My most embarrassing childhood memory is of the time when I pooped on the floor between arcade games at the age of seven. But it’s why I did it that’s the most mortifying. I did so knowingly, because I didn’t want to lose my place in line to play “Gauntlet.” I guess I didn’t think that anyone would notice what I was up to. I was wrong. People did notice. And I lost my place in line, permanently…
49. Well, I Guess That’s One Way to Travel…
First physical of my life. I drop my pants and the doctor says turn your head and cough. For some odd reason that I cannot quite understand, I thought he said turn your head and crawl. I cannot explain the levels of confusion and awkwardness that followed when I started to nonchalantly crawl around on the floor of his office…
50. The Princess in the Water
When I was a 12-year-old boy, I was swimming on the beach in Point Pleasant, New Jersey one summer afternoon. I was out pretty far into the water and I thought nobody was around. Anyways, as I swam, I invented a random tune in my head. I emerged from the water and proudly sang my song loudly: “ONCE… A PRINCESS… AL-WAYS A PRINCESS!!!”
I sang it loud. I sang it to the Gods. I sang it to Gaia and Mother Earth! I sang it to the 15-year-old guy treading water five feet away from me, who proceeded to give me the most quintessential, “weirded-out” face I’ve ever seen. I swam there, mortified for a moment before diving into the water and getting as far away as possible.
51. Not Following Cultural Customs
I was in the lobby of a guesthouse in Thailand waiting for our car to pick us up. The manager was a tiny lady who was standing with us and she had been so lovely to us during our stay. She spoke very little English, but when the car pulled up, she raised her arms up to me as I stood up and I assumed that she wanted a hug from me so I obliged, even though I recalled it was impolite to hug a Thai person.
As it turns out, she was gesturing for me to pull the cord on the ceiling fan in order to turn the fan on, because she couldn’t reach it and I was tall enough. It was so awkward.
52. Dad Always Finds Out
I found my dad’s illicit VHS tape stash and took one of them around sixth grade….for learning and stuff. Anyway, I dropped it on the hardwood floor and busted the flap off when I went to put it back. I placed it back in the closet anyway. It was gone the next day, and he looked at me funny at the dinner table the next night…I always cringe thinking about this.
53. What’s Bug-ging You?
I once had a stomach bug back in middle school and the freaking nurse didn’t believe me. I may have cried wolf a couple of times before, which didn’t exactly help my case. I suffered through school all day until finally, my last period arrived. We were taking a test and I asked my teacher if I could step out to go to the bathroom. Before I could finish speaking, the worst happened.
I projectile vomited right over her shoulder and mostly into the trash can. The jock in the class was like, “Woah, your throw up looks like Sprite!” And even in my stupor I was like, “What the heck?” My teacher then made a girl walk me to the nurse with the soiled trash bin, and the girl was actually super cool about it. She told me not to be embarrassed and took my mind off it by talking about horses.
54. Indecent Exposure
I was wearing a long dress on an escalator at an airport and it got stuck in the stairs. The gears were pulling in my dress and I was fighting like heck to pull it back out. The escalator was eating my dress and my underpants were rapidly being exposed. I am looking around and start seeing people looking at me in horror. But it got even worse.
When I finally got the dress out, I hobbled to my gate I realized that the waiting area that witnessed my incident was the seating area for my flight. Everyone I’d be spending the next nine hours with saw it happen.
55. The Butt of the Joke
When I was a pretty young kid, around 12 or 13 years old I think, I had some weird stomach issues going on. They found some odd results with an X-Ray and told me that they wanted to do this pretty intense procedure on me to check my body out. So, I go into this room, and they tell me that they’re going to put a hose in my butt and fill my intestines with a milky liquid.
I looked terrified, and my doctor asked me what was wrong. To try and seem more mature, I told him that it sounded painful but that I was also very ticklish. I thought this was a great excuse to get around admitting that I was just shy about my body. He told me not to worry about it, as the procedure wasn’t as bad as it sounded. So a female doctor starts to shove this thing in 13-year-old me’s butt and I start awkwardly fake giggling. And then laughing. And then crying.
56. Feeling The Pressure
I was 14 years old and at a basketball game. I had bought a raffle ticket to win the $10,000 half-court shot at halftime. My number was drawn and I remember trying to get my dad to do it for me, but he pressured me into walking down to the court. With thousands of people watching me in the audience, and x amount of people from home, I took the half-court shot…and I air-balled about 10 feet to the left and five feet over the backboard…
It was the longest walk in the world back up the stands and into the seats where my dad was laughing maniacally at me…It was worth adding that my childhood crush of four years was there with me because her dad and my dad worked together…that whole walk back I thought of the people laughing. I knew I’d have to sit another half of the game with her thinking I had no coordination.
57. It’s Not About You
A few years ago, I was good friends with the lead singer of an internationally renowned indie band. We had a falling out. A few months later, their next album came out, with a very suspicious song on it that ripped lines from emails this singer sent me and seemed to make fun of me. After two years of not speaking and stewing about this awful song, I sent them an email while intoxicated, vehemently accusing them of writing such a nasty song about me.
Their reply made me want to crawl into a hole. “That was about my ex-girlfriend. I have no idea how you’d think it was about you.” I was so mortified I didn’t reply and never told anyone.
58. A Fond Farewell
This is kind of a sad example of an embarrassing childhood moment, but before my grandmother’s body was buried when she passed, one of my aunts kneeled and put her hands on top of her casket to pray. My grandma’s casket had a clear window at the top of it. I was around nine years old at the time, and I saw what my aunt was doing, so I wanted to copy her and do the same thing.
I wanted to pray for her as well, so I got down and tried to do the same thing that I saw my aunt doing. Everything crashed down from there. When my elbows were on top of the casket, the glass shattered in front of the whole family and I cried, thinking I had disgraced my nana’s memory. The moment was pretty emotionally scarring.
59. The Affair
When I was 14 and almost always thought with my junk, I decided it would be great to pleasure myself with protection on. I liked how it felt and did it all the time for about a week. They also happened to be my dad’s condoms, so, long story short—my mom realizes that so many are missing and thinks my father is having an affair.
She comes crying to me about it and my initial reaction is to deny any speculation that I used them. After realizing that this may end my parent’s marriage, I ran upstairs and with tears coming from my eyes I explained to my mom that I used them, not for intercourse, but for self-pleasure. I cried for an hour.
60. Press Play
The first time I met my ex-girlfriend’s parents and family, it was Thanksgiving, and the PS2 had just come out. I went over; we were having dinner and her whole family was there celebrating. Her dad and I start talking. He says he is a big gamer and would love to try it, so I go and get it from my house (I just lived a few miles down the road) along with my VCR because their TV was old and it was the only way the PS2 would work.
So, he starts playing M2K or something. Then about an hour into the session, my ex’s little sister is sitting next to the VCR I brought, and accidentally hits play with her foot. This causes the VCR to play a tape, beginning my waking nightmare: the tape happened to be an adult film I left in. Up pops a nude girl on screen—right in front of my ex’s grandmother, little children of the family, mom, everyone. Her dad just says, “God darn satellite!” and tries turning it off with the remote.
I wait a second, probably a little too long, (I could not move from shock) and shamefully get up and walk over to the VCR to turn it off. Her dad says, “Wait was that yours?” Embarrassed as heck, I say, “yep.” Everyone laughed and she was so angry, but I ended up being with her for three years so it must have not bothered her dad too bad.
61. The Windy City
One time, I was at the doctor’s office having a lump on my private area checked. I described said lump to the doctor and he went about trying to locate it himself. I was lying down at this stage, staring at the ceiling while he felt around trying to find it. After about a minute of him fumbling, he admitted defeat and asked me to find it for him.
So I sat up and started to jumble myself around in my hands. I was hunched over and he wasn’t more than a foot away, staring intently at me, when suddenly a gust of wind blew the door wide open. Just then, a nurse walked past the door and caught a complete view of the situation. That was some awkward eye contact between us…
62. Hidden And Never Noticed
This was during hide and seek during a family party. 12-year-old me decided to hide in the bathtub. I pulled the shower doors closed and waited. Nobody found me, but within two or three minutes, my aunt came in to take a leak. She didn’t notice me, I kept quiet for too long. I had to commit! The sound of her pee trickle still haunts me. Oh god, why…
63. Lessons Were Learned
When I was in middle school, I had just started getting my period. Unfortunately, at the time, I didn’t know that I had very heavy and long periods, which would later cause me to get anemia. One day, before I go to school, my period comes and I have absolutely no pads. So, my dumb middle school self decides to just stuff some toilet paper in my underwear to line it and I should be fine.
Yeah, well, I was wrong so, so wrong. Not even the first class passes and I’m leaking. Bad. Oblivious me doesn’t really realize this until I get up from my seat and see a giant red stain. I ran out of that classroom so fast and called my mom to come pick me up. I cried for about the rest of the day as my mom tried to console me. Ugh, even thinking of it now sucks.
64. All In The Family
I’m not sure exactly how young I was at the time, but at some point when I was a kid, my family was on a road trip. During said road trip, my dad had done something to thoroughly get under my skin. I don’t remember what it was exactly, but we were both pretty upset about it and he wanted to fix the situation so that it wouldn’t ruin our enjoyment of the rest of the trip.
He asked how he could make it up to me, and I still to this day cannot explain or forget the response that I gave. I guess I had just heard the expression “family jewels” for the first time on some show, and I had no idea what it meant. So, for no good reason, I told my dad that he could make it up to me by passing on the family jewels to me.
I literally thought there were actually jewels somewhere that every family had hidden away or something along those lines. I didn’t have any clue that I was asking for my dad’s you-know-whats. I will never forget the look on his face for as long as I live. Nor will I ever forget the level of embarrassment I felt when I realized what I had inadvertently said.
65. Dirty Dancing
In fifth grade, I was in a school musical production where in one song I was the “boogie woogie reindeer,” and during the song I was supposed to dance. Well, I ruined it in the most embarrassing way imaginable. My mom had just shown me the movie Coyote Ugly, so I thought the best course of action was to dance like the girls in that movie.
I’m sure there’s still a home video out there somewhere of the fifth grade boy dancing like a stripper…
66. Hobo Pants
This wasn’t me, but one time my friend, who’s an actor, was onstage for the final performance of a show he was in. His pants were about six sizes too big, and they didn’t want him to wear a belt so they had bobby-pinned his pants. That last night, the bobby pins had apparently mostly fallen off, and his pants fell down. No big problem, he was playing a hobo, so he could have just picked them up and held them for the rest of his time onstage… too bad they took his boxers with them. He was naked from the waist down. His parents and his girlfriend were watching.
67. The Real Accident
I made the mistake of moving over the holidays last year. I was emptying out my bedside dresser of clothes and whatnot. My top drawer had two large open boxes of rubbers inside. I stuffed ribbons of protection into my pockets and left. Lo and behold, I’m involved in a major car accident on my way to the new house.
One short ambulance ride later, I’m in a private Emergency Room with just a nurse, my girlfriend, and myself. My girlfriend had to remove my pants. But first, she had to remove everything from the pockets. So there she is, glaring at me as she pulls more than thirty ribbons of rubbers out of my pocket in front of the nurse. I swear, it looked like a magic trick. They just wouldn’t stop coming out…
68. Good Intentions, Bad Execution
I was introduced to a Russian musician as “This is Rachmaninov, haha,” and I said, “You’re a lot shorter in real life!” because Rachmaninov was famed for being about 6’6′, this guy was about 5’4. We all knew he was offended, but my intention was to make a conversational tidbit about Rachmaninov and not just rip on this guy for being short. I couldn’t do anything to salvage that lead balloon!
69. Breaking Bad Dancer
I was at a party when a girl wanted to dance with me and I didn’t know what to do because: a) I’m a bad dancer, and b) I really liked her. She was really good and I had no idea what to do. Everyone was crowding around and watching us and a kid mimed to me “break dance.” So, I got down on my knees and started swinging my legs around under my arms and did a handstand. It was heaps of fun and everyone was laughing at me, not with me.
70. Cutting Cute Off
When I was in high school, I was sitting with my ex-girlfriend before class started. I was building a motorcycle in auto shop and brought a large chrome-plated castle nut to school with me to finish attaching the wheel to the frame…Well, we were goofing around and I thought it would be cute if I slid the lug nut onto her ring finger. Then, after the novelty wore off, it quickly dawned upon me that this won’t slide off.
The threads of the nut were tearing her skin every time we pulled, like a sadistic Chinese finger trap. So first, I went to my shop teacher and we tried to use motor oil to get it off…a painful and un-fruitful venture which only led to me being insulted by my favorite teacher. So, I had to go with her to the principal’s office and explain what happened.
Then, she went to the hospital. I went with her and watched as the fire department cut this super hard lug nut off her hand while all the firefighters laughed and insulted me. The nut kept heating up and burning the skin because metal gets very hot when being cut so this lasted quite a while.
71. Not Your Typical Chaperone
I’m a girl. One time, many years ago, we were in New Orleans for a college organization conference. I worked in a department at the college I went to and we took some students with us. It was the weekend after Mardi Gras, so things were still pretty rowdy on Bourbon Street. I was newly 21 and there were a couple of 18-year-old girls with us, so I thought it was the responsible thing to stay sober.
I was doing my best to watch after the girls and make sure that they didn’t get themselves into any kind of trouble. It pretty much sucked. I was trying to wrangle one of them by her belt loop when the other talked the door guy into letting her into a strip club. With no other choice, the rest of us reluctantly followed in after her.
The 18-year-old who had dragged us in was having the time of her life, with lap dances and all, and embarrassingly laughing her butt off. My boss is in the back trying to find some way around the whole thing. I’m sober and being grumpy, just waiting for the night to be over with. A woman asks if I can join her on stage to play along with a strip tease or something and she says she’ll get me a drink if I do.
Against my better judgement, I said yes. After all the stress I was under, I needed one! So, I obliged. She walks me on stage and sits me down on a chair. She proceeds to take her clothing off and give me a lap dance, and I’m oooing and aaahing in front of everyone. I’m making a huge deal out of showing how much I love her various body parts because I’m all in for getting this darn free drink.
Then, she grabs my thighs and throws my legs to the side, full on spreadeagle. It all unraveled at that point. The buttons down the back of my pencil skirt immediately rip right off. Now, as unlucky as I was, it just so happened that on this particular day, I was wearing zero underwear. My private area was on full display to the entire club.
Everyone began hootin’ and hollerin’. Finally, the performer finishes her show. I rush off of the stage, trying to pull my skirt down enough past my butt, and trying to button back up whatever is left of it. Completely mortified, I get my free drink. My boss is in the back, just shaking his head, laughing, and he motions me to come over.
He says, “Hey, buddy. Me and you just bonded. I just saw your freakin’ beaver.” The weekend goes on. My cohort lovingly nicknames me Beaver, which eventually evolved to Beazy. I later hooked up with a guy from another school, and left with the nickname Sleazy Beazy from the Big Easy. I tend to think of this extremely embarrassing incident as the end of my childhood and my formal welcome into the adult world.
72. Swinging At The Party
A couple years ago, I threw a party at my home. One couple that I invited had just gotten into the swinger/polyamorous lifestyle, but hadn’t really figured out the “do’s and don’ts” of bringing it up in conversation. Instead, they were pitching it and themselves to everyone like they were selling Amway. They were insanely explicit, and they kept trying to get people to skinny dip in the middle of the day. It was painful to watch. Oh, and if anyone is curious, they just filed for divorce.
73. Smell Ya Later
My most embarrassing childhood moment was probably that time that I went into school with my pants smelling of damp. I actually didn’t know that not drying out clothes properly would cause such a putrid odor. I thought my mom had washed them with my dad’s socks. So, I sprayed what may as well have been a full can’s worth of lynx on them and just went into school.
Wow. The smell was even worse than I ever could have imagined, and way worse than it would have been if I had just left them without spraying the fragrance. Walking down the corridor, I heard someone scream “OMG, WHAT’S THAT SMELL?” and I instantly knew it was me. I ended up pretending to be ill and going home at break time, which wasn’t soon enough.
I will always be thankful to that office lady for letting me go even though I clearly was just leaving because of my smelly pants.
74. Wanna Know How I Got These Scars?
I used to wear glasses, hearing aids, braces, and had severe cystic acne. My doctor put me on Accutane (for the acne) and it made my face insanely dry. One day a few weeks after starting the medication, my friend made me laugh hard in class—it cracked the skin on my cheeks and my face bled in the shape of my smile like Heath Ledger’s joker scar. I was an abomination.
75. I Have an Announcement to Make
One time, I was getting a checkup at the doctor’s office. I went to the bathroom and peed in the cup, put it on the little counter thing they had, went back into the room, and waited for a very long time until the doctor finally showed up like thirty minutes later. She told me “You have protein in your urine.” I immediately blurted out, “Probably because I slept with someone last night!”
Unsure of why I had said that and visibly confused, she awkwardly replied, “I’ll mark that down in your chart. Congratulations!” She was trying hard not to laugh. I felt like a complete idiot. But, in the moment, I had legitimately assumed that this fact might somehow make a difference in the results of my urine tests.
76. Second-Hand Embarrassment
At my work Christmas party last month, five of my colleagues sang “Happy Xmas” while a sixth accompanied them on guitar. The guitarist was fantastic, the group as a whole sounded passable, but then one of them soloed on the “war is over / if you want it” part. She did it very loudly, way above her vocal range. We’re talking falsetto territory here, with her eyes closed and emoting all the way.
It was just…excruciating. To make matters even worse, afterward, she kind of hung around the stage area smiling at people, like she was waiting for everyone to rush up to her and tell her what an accomplished singer she was. Most of us rushed to the door.
77. How Not To Make Friends
One of my high school friends is a bit interesting, to say the least. He wanted to make friends and was quite an avid anime watcher. I remember him going up to a girl in high school doing the whole “bowing” with a love letter behind the school gym kinda cliche. He walks up to her bows and at the top of his lungs says, “Will you please be my friend?”
The girl turns around and pulls out her headphones. She’s confused and stunned. “Why is this boy bowing?” He then runs away.
78. The Long Hug
I had a crush on a girl back in 10th grade. We flirted with each other and she told me via MSN that she would like a hug when she came back to school (she was sick for like two weeks straight). So, when the day came, I hugged her. It was super awkward. I hugged her for like a minute straight, and she calmly asked if I would let go of her. That minute felt like an eternity and felt embarrassing as heck.
After 11 years it still makes me cringe when I think about it.
79. Getting Physical
So I needed a physical. Needless to say, this is definitely one of the most awkward moments of any incoming freshman’s first high school experiences. I walk into the office and do all the routine work. I pee in a cup, weigh myself, provide my height, etc. Then, the doctor comes in to check for a hernia. Nothing out of the ordinary so far.
So I pull down my pants and the doctor checks my private area. He then looks up at me and says, “You know, you have extremely large privates. I don’t think I have seen any this big in a very long time.” He continued to make casual chit chat about my size for the remainder of the checkup. Nothing in my life ever feels awkward now, because that moment always takes the cake.
80. Whipped Cream
I used to wait tables. During a busy Sunday post-church lunch rush, I had to make a sundae for a table in the very back corner of the restaurant. I get to the table and the entire party starts laughing. I’m standing there holding the sundae, super confused. I look down and realize that I had somehow managed to get a large amount of whipped cream directly over my crotch while preparing the sundae. It was nowhere else on me. Just my crotch.
All I could do was put the sundae down, say, “Oh my gosh!” and speed walk back through the entire restaurant to clean myself up.
81. Lost and Found
I once went to the gynecologist’s office to get this stinky smell checked out. As they were checking me, they discovered the source of the smell—and it was worse than I had ever imagined. They found a feminine hygiene product still up there in my body from the previous month. I had allowed a medical student to observe. This experience was pretty mortifying, even though I’m not usually a shy person.
82. Left It All Behind
I was about 15, getting intoxicated with some friends outdoors and I went to pee behind a bush. I lowered my pants and crouched down, but mid-pee I noticed that I was peeing on my jeans. They were soaking wet, and of course, I didn’t have any other clothes with me. My adolescent, intoxicated brain decided it was best just to go back home without telling anyone, leave all my things behind and walk for more than half an hour smelling of urine.
I really don’t remember what explanation I gave my friends afterward.
83. It’s Clearly Mine Now
My significant other and I were meeting some old friends of hers who were in town for a day or two. I say “in town,” but they were about an hour and change south of us. We met at a restaurant after a bit of a drive. Now, it was a hot day and my air conditioning was on the fritz, so it makes sense that I was thirsty. What doesn’t make sense is that at some point after we got there, I just started drinking this dude’s coke like it was mine.
It was kind of in front of me, I guess, but I hadn’t ordered a soda. I had no reason to assume it was mine. They’d never met me, so it’s not like I knew them and I knew it was cool. Nobody said a word the whole time. I realized I had been doing it when the waitress came around and asked for our drink orders. Best first impression ever.
84. A Reasonable Assumption…
I will never forget the time I got my period for the first time at the tender age of 11. It was like something out of a nightmare. Someone pointed out that there was blood on my skirt and I didn’t yet know what that could possibly mean. I went to the bathroom to see what was happening and immediately ran out screaming that I was dying. Everyone around me saw. Good timesss!
85. Right Place, Wrong Time
My poor, poor OB/GYN. He’s a younger, very awesome male doctor and, as a result of this, is very calm and soothing to his patients, making sure to over-explain anytime he comes in contact with a patient. It’s very adorable actually. I had totally forgotten that I had an annual exam with him and had some pretty rough bedroom activity a day or two before.
I get into the room and the nurse instructs me to undress and put on the paper gown as usual. As I was undressing, I looked down and remembered that my breasts were black and blue and that part of the exam is the breast exam. The look of horror on the doctor’s face when he pulled my gown away still remains unparalleled.
He asked me in a concerned voice if it was going to hurt me to do the exam and I had to fight back the laugh when responding. He then did a very fast and light breast exam before getting really fascinated with one of the bite marks he spotted. He started to comment on it and then quickly replaced my top and moved on with the exam.
86. School Yard Pick Gone Wrong
When I was in the first grade, we used to have square dance lessons. Anyways, the teacher used to pick a random person to allow them to choose whatever partner they wanted from the class. I had a massive crush on this girl named Ashley and this particular time, the teacher picked me as the first person to pick a partner. I was FINALLY going to be able to dance with Ashley! I was pumped—but it turned into a nightmare.
As I began to look at the girls standing across the room, I made eye contact with Ashley. She was staring at me too. Unfortunately, she was staring at me so that she could make direct eye contact and mouth out the word “NO” while shaking her head no as well. I was already walking toward her and started saying her name by the time I realized she wanted nothing to do with me.
At this point, I am standing in the middle of the floor by myself, having said the word “Ashl…” And the rest of the girls, about 25 of them start to do the same thing she was doing, shaking their heads no. Literally no one wanted me to choose them. So instead of choosing, I told the teacher someone else could pick first. When she insisted I pick first, I picked the ugliest girl there so that no one else there would have to dance with me. So that sucked.
87. The Birds And The Bees
In my first ever middle school health class, we were talking about what happens when you go through puberty, starting with girls. A girl from the back of the room raises her hand and says: “You get breasts.” To my eternal shame, I raised my hand and asked the dumbest question ever. “What are breasts?” The whole class stared at me in shock.
To explain, I was very isolated as a child. We had no television at home, and the word “breast” just simply wasn’t in my family’s vocabulary. Plus, this was shortly after I had switched schools and learned the language of my new community. But let’s not kid ourselves, if this had happened today, it would have been all over social media regardless.
88. A Morning Swim
I was staying at a nice hotel while traveling for work. They had a great pool. I went in there one morning and I was the only one there. I started messing about, recreating the opening scene of Jaws where the girl realizes that her leg has been bitten off, then lots of splashing like the shark had come back for the second go. Then I tried a bit of synchro, kicking my legs up in various shapes.
Then I did a bit of goalkeeper practice by throwing my goggles and diving to catch them. Then I saw a window overlooking the pool and a family of six people eating breakfast and watching me. I’m a 51-year-old man.
89. Bathroom Affirmations
I was doing this self-help wacky hypnosis thing to lose weight, and part of it involved reciting affirmations to yourself (I am strong. I can be thin, etc.). I was in the men’s room at my office, which had separate areas for the sinks and stalls/urinals, in front of the mirror doing my thing for several minutes, when suddenly there was a flush and my coworker walked out looking kind of sheepish. We never spoke of it.
90. What a Way to End Their Day
This happened at the pharmacy at my doctor’s office. I had just had a wisdom tooth removed, and a stubborn one at that. I had it removed in the morning and I was feeling good, not sick or anything for most of the day. But by the time the next day rolled around, I was the sickest I had ever been. Everything I did made me vomit, even just moving more than a few feet around.
The dentist didn’t think to prescribe me any antibiotics or anything, so I had to call him up to let him know how sick I was. He told me that he would call in the order and that I could pick the medication up at the pharmacy in the hospital down the street. The only problem was that they were closing in just ten minutes.
I rushed to get there and somehow made it with two minutes to spare. I celebrated—but I had no idea what was coming. As they were getting my prescription ready, that sick feeling happened. I ended up vomiting three times on their counter, right before they closed. The women were shocked and I kept apologizing, but I couldn’t stop.
I left with my prescription feeling ashamed and embarrassed, and also terrible that they would have to clean it up before they could go home.
91. Nothing But Fake Friends
A couple of years ago, I was really depressed and I ate my feelings often. So, one day, I went to the grocery store—but I didn’t realize I was there at prime time rush hour for families coming home from work. Anyways, I filled up a basket with a bunch of bread and donuts and ice cream and candy and stuff. I felt really embarrassed about all the stuff I got so I “talked on my phone” and made it look like I was bringing home stuff for a bunch of other people.
When I got to the checkout line, the lady behind me was staring at me like I’m disgusting with all the stuff I was buying. So, I very loudly talk into my phone about why I have all this food, and I start putting my stuff on the conveyor belt and my phone rings, like REALLY loudly while I’m supposedly talking into it. The cashier started laughing, everyone in line behind me started laughing. I wanted to die.
The bag boy asked if my friends would prefer paper or plastic. I turned really red and almost started crying and then just paid for my food and left. It was probably the worst moment of my life so far.
92. Going To Brown Town
Oh boy. My boyfriend will KILL me if he ever knew I posted this. It’s bad but HILARIOUS. The whole day was chaos. I was on my period and emotional and wanted pizza more than anything on Earth. I literally cried when we got to the pizza place and they said they needed to cook my pizza and it would take 30 minutes. I wanted a Sbarro-type place with ready-made slices.
So after my meltdown, we got on the plane, pizza-less, and I naturally needed a nap after crying. Well, the reason we didn’t get pizza is that my boyfriend needed to drink a bunch of pints with his brother who was going to a different airport than us. Understandable, drink with your brother, but make sure you get your crazy girlfriend pizza. Anyway, I slept hard.
Then I woke up to the pilot saying we’re on our final descent and fasten seatbelts, yadda yadda. I was at the window, my boyfriend was in the middle, and there was a stranger on the aisle. Correction, my boyfriend was supposed to be in the middle. In reality, he was gone. I assumed he was in the bathroom, so I looked to the front and back at the overhead signs and they both said the bathroom was free.
I was thinking “Where is he then?!” Panicking, I was looking front to back as the ground was getting closer. I asked the stranger, “Where is he?!” And he says, “He went to the bathroom like 30 minutes ago.” Even the male flight attendant knew he wasn’t in his seat, so they checked the bathrooms. The ground is getting closer, here comes my boyfriend. He sits down just in time for landing.
He smells godawful. I was like “God you stink. What’s wrong?” His response made my blood run cold. In the most serious voice, he says “Stop. We’ll talk later.” I literally cannot breathe next to him because he smells so bad. I feel bad for the aisle guy. We get off the plane and then he tells me. He accidentally pooped his pants trying to get to the bathroom. He knew he needed to go pronto and nearly passed out trying to make it up to the bathroom but someone went in ahead.
He turns around, heads to the back, and doesn’t make it. Now, if you remember I said the signs said they were vacant. Apparently, he didn’t lock the doors during this panic. And naturally, he needed to get rid of the evidence, so he was trying to flush his boxers down the toilet, and IN WALKS the male flight attendant asking him to return to his seat. Catching him flushing his poop-covered boxers!
93. Wait Until You See This…
I went to the dermatologist when I was 18 just before heading off to college. I had a few red spots on my chest and she wanted to check “down below” to ensure there was no internal bleeding. While my pants were down and she was checking everything out, the nurse walked in without knocking. She got a nice view…along with half the waiting room.
The nurse backed out quickly and I received a profuse apology from the dermatologist. The doctor had to go prepare a treatment and I got to hear her tear the nurse a new one in the next room.
94. They Must Have Chuckled Afterward
I was my best friend’s maid of honor a few years back. While we were wedding dress shopping, this one quirky bride came into the store and was like, “Whatever dress I get has to go with my red Chucks. I am not one of those girls who wear heels; I’ve always been different.” The shop lady’s reaction was absolutely legendary.
She just stared at her for a moment before responding, “Actually, second to a traditional heel or ballet flat, Chucks are a super common choice for our many low-maintenance brides.” The bride’s whole attitude just deflated.
95. Leaving the Doctor in Stitches
Thankfully, this was only slightly insulting, not too horrifying. When I was about 18 years old, I went into the doctor’s office because I was experiencing some extreme nausea, among other things. He kept asking me if it was possible that I could be pregnant, over and over again. “So, uh, could you possibly be pregnant? Maybe we should run a pregnancy test.”
“Pretty positive I’m not,” I responded. He then asked, “When was the last time you had intercourse?” I replied, “Uh… never?” He started laughing and shouted out, “NEVER?!” At this point, he suddenly whipped his head around to face me from behind his clipboard. “Oh, haha, wow, I had no idea. That simplifies things a lot!”
Was that really necessary??
96. A Family Affair
When I was 14, I was at a family friend’s Bar Mitzvah and I didn’t know anyone. So, I was sitting there alone and then I saw this cute girl in the corner. I went over to talk to her and then we ended up just walking around this hotel and making out for about an hour (at 14, that was a big deal).
Then she went off to do something. About 15 minutes later I was sitting alone again when my mom called me over and said, “I didn’t know she would be here, but this is my cousin and this is her daughter.” I look at the girl and realize that my second cousin is the girl I had just made out with. A moment of horror as we look at each other and shake hands. She still hasn’t made eye contact with me since then.
Once I was in line for a Neil Gaiman book signing. As soon as it was my turn to get my book signed, I was so starstruck I blurted out the most backward thing ever: “You are my biggest fan!” I immediately realized my mistake and apologized profusely, and Neil just laughed it off and signed the book. I was so flustered I didn’t pay attention to what he scribbled in.
Only after I left the area and opened up my copy of the book to realize he’d signed it with, “From your biggest fan, Neil Gaiman”.
98. So Much for Privacy Settings
I was interviewing for a big promotion at my old job. I had put in the time, the hours, and the effort for this promotion, and I had been passed up a few times, so I was sending out resumes while trying to get this promotion. I go through the first interview, and everything seemed great. They invited me for the second interview.
I was so excited. Flash forward two days, and I go in for the interview. The interview is with the regional and site managers. Everything is going great, they are asking me, “What are your priorities, goals, etc.” At the end, the site manager changes his posture and says, “Would you say that you’re a loyal employee?”
Taken aback, I say, of course, I’ve been here almost two years, etc. And like a shark circling his prey, this dude turns his computer monitor around, and shows me my PRIVATE Facebook posts that I posted that I was in the market for a job in the same field. Now, there’s no way he could have seen this, as it was a friends-only post.
Someone I work with had to have tattled on me here. He then proceeds to read them to me out loud, not only the posts about my job search, but personal posts about my health situation and questions that I didn’t bring up to anybody other than personal friends. I look at the regional manager and this guy won’t look me in the eyes, he is shifting, obviously uncomfortable.
I tried to say that I was looking just in case this promotion didn’t work out, as I am a college student paying my way through school, but he kept interrupting me and saying, “Loyalty is key.” He then tells me, “We will think about it,” and points toward the door. The regional manager kind of coughs and goes to shake my hand, but by that point, I was already out the door.
So I said “Thanks anyway,” and then proceed to have the most uncomfortable walk back to my desk—I was wearing heels for the first time in like a year so I stumbled on my way out the door—with coworkers asking for the details if I got the promotion. I didn’t get the job. I think the whole thing was just an “in your face” type deal.
I went on to get a promotion in a different department. I worked there for about another year and a half, and then I moved on to work for Netflix, actually. So, it all worked out! That manager was unfortunately promoted to regional, but the replacement manager was much nicer and not a huge jerk.
99. Revealing Too Much
On the day of an economics mid-term, all 300 students had to go to a big lecture hall to take the test. Because it was such a big group, the professor had to use a microphone to give us instructions. So after giving this whole speech about the exam, he bid us all good luck and left the lecture to go do some work in his office next door.
Well, he didn’t realize one important thing: He had left his microphone on, so while the entire class was silently writing the exam, we listened to the events that unfolded inside his office. We heard the brief muffled conversation between him and the female TA of our class. Then that conversation stopped. We all realize that they’re being intimate.
The TA’s quieted moans were magnified on the speakers in the lecture hall. The entire class stayed silent. Then, the professor swore loudly and abruptly shut off the microphone. Later, as if nothing had happened, the professor came inside. He was fired a week later.
100. Bad Suggestions
My twin brother passed in a car wreck and my family suggested that I should date his girlfriend because…grief, I guess? REAL FREAKIN’ AWKWARD, MOM.
101. Missed Encounters
At the wedding of a college friend of my husband’s, we learned that the bride (his old friend) had been in love with him for over a decade. We learned this from the women at our table at the reception. We introduced ourselves while we waited for the bride and groom to arrive. They were horrified that we were there—and extremely worried.
My husband had NO idea that she had feelings for him. She bee-lined right for our table after the “introducing Mr & Mrs” thing—ignoring her family and leaving her husband standing alone. She clung to my husband and sobbed—lifting her head to glare at me. She had to be pulled off of him.
She repaired herself, then followed us as we tried to leave quietly—her parting shot was to stare at my chest and say, “Well I guess I know what I was missing all along!” Her new husband was in shock and my husband was horrified and embarrassed—he was completely clueless and would never have gone to the wedding if he’d know she was obsessed with him. It was bizarre.