These are some classic foot-in-the-mouth debacles—the kind that are so cringeworthy, you’ll want to disappear. We’ve all been there. Those moments when—even as the words come slipping out—we already know that they’re foolish, insensitive, or even downright dumb. Buckle up because these brave Redditors have put their greatest embarrassments out on display.
1. Smooth Talker
I was tailgating at a concert playing drinking pong with some buddies when I noticed a gaggle of cougars eyeing down me and my buddies just one car next to us. I went to the side of our car to get some smokes but really it was just an excuse to get closer to them to try and start a conversation. One of them made direct eye contact with me so I switched on my southern charm, maybe dropped an extra drop of southern drawl into my accent and said, “How are y’all doing tonight?”
The first one to respond was extremely forward and said, “Just enjoying our view. It’s a bit too windy out here for you boys to be playing pong. Y’all should come play with us.” this took me so off guard I was at a loss for words. I meant to chuckle at what she said but what came out sounded more like a cat coughing noise.
This was because of how nervous I immediately became which, of course, was met with a combination of concerned and confused looks from the cougars. Then I froze, not knowing what to say or do at that point so like an idiot I said the first thing that came to my mind, southern charm and drawl now completely sucked out of me.
What I said in the most boyish noise my body could muster at the moment was, “Yeah, great day to fly a kite.” There was utter silence from the cougars until one of them let out all the air in her lungs with her lips together making this infamous “PPPPPBBBBBFFFFFFFTFTTTTT” noise. My buddies still make me apologize for ruining that one for us to this day.
2. Cure For All Ills
I arrived at a customer’s house, and he was speaking to someone. In my best upbeat and happy customer service voice, I said, “Hey! How are y’all doing?” He replied, “We are doing great! Trying to solve all the world’s problems. What’s your solution?” And before I could stop them, the words were already out my mouth. I yelled: “Cheeseburgers!” Cue stunned silence before laughter. I had been discussing lunch with my rider. I was caught off guard by the question and panicked.
3. Picture Ready
I worked in politics in the early to mid-2000s. I was in DC, and we were going to the White House for a photoshoot with the POTUS and some legislators. I was one of the few folks taking the pictures for the people from my state. I walked up to a gate and a uniformed secret service officer with an automatic weapon and asked, “Where’s the oval office? I’m supposed to shoot the president.”
He cocked his head to the side, and I immediately realized what I had said and asked, “That was a really stupid way to ask that question, wasn’t it?” He deadpan said a yep. I explained that I was supposed to enter from a certain side and I was trying to figure out from where exactly. He made a gesture in a direction. I thanked him, apologized again and walked away.
I hear him laughing behind me as he radioed the other gate. I got to the proper gate and the agent looked at me and said, “Well, you must be our shooter,” and snickered. I replayed that in my head a 100 times over.
4. A Lilliputian Treat
Once, I went to Subway after getting a tattoo, and was apparently a little out of it. I asked the guy behind the counter for a “half-inch sub” and the confused guy said, “No?” And, I got sad. Why I couldn’t I get a half-inch sub? If it wasn’t for my friend in hysterics next to me, I wouldn’t have even noticed what I had said was wrong.
5. The Forest For The Trees
I’m a paper conservator by trade and when driving through the New Forest in the UK to go hiking with friends, I realized that a village that we were passing through was once the site of some famously beautiful trees that. In fact, I had once featured these gorgeous trees in a print I’d conserved. However, that is not what came out of my mouth….
Instead, I said the dumbest thing ever: “Guys! Did you know…around here…there were once… trees…?”
6. Clues For The Clueless
I was 18 and worked at a dental office. I pulled charts and kept the client waiting area clean. It’s the end of the day. A man wearing sunglasses walks in with a black German Shepherd and takes a seat. I ask, “Can I help you?” He says, “I’m just waiting for my wife, Maria.” I said “Oh, nice to meet you!” And I stick my hand out to shake his hand.
He says, “I’m not sure if you are trying to shake my hand or not but I’m Mike,” and laughs a bit as he puts his out. I just grabbed it, slightly confused, but said, “I’m Angie. Maria should be out soon. All the patients are out so I’m just cleaning up.” There is a folded newspaper in the seat next to him. So, I ask him “Did you want to check out today’s newspaper while you wait or can I put it away?”
He laughs and says “Nah, you can take it. Not like I can read it anyway, right?” I still didn’t get it. Later, when I was putting away the magazines, it hit me, and I said out loud, “Oh my! You really can’t see, can you?!?!” Dude was literally blind. I’m an idiot. Obviously, that perfectly well-behaved German Shepherd was his seeing eye dog.
The sun glasses. Him not finding my hand. Him actually telling me he can’t see the newspaper still didn’t click with me. Luckily for me, he is a really great guy and found my mistake as innocent and hilarious as it actually was. From then on, whenever he came in the office, it would make my day! We became good friends.
I’m still friends with some of the people who worked at that dental office so I’ve gotten to see him a few times over the years and every time I sneak up behind him and whisper to him, “You really can’t see, can you?” And he goes, “Angie!!! How are you, girl?!? Give me a hug!” But seriously, how dense can I be? It sometimes amazes me.
7. Bridging The Gap
While I was on my honeymoon in Hawaii, I asked my new husband why there wasn’t a bridge to Hawaii. I said, “I mean, if there can be a bridge to Alaska, why can’t there be a bridge to Hawaii?” My husband responded, “There’s not a bridge to Alaska though?” My next question was very much obvious: “How do people drive there if there’s no bridge??”
My husband—bless him—reined in his patience and solved the mystery for me: “Canada. Canada is the bridge.” I still just about die of embarrassment every time I think about that one.
8. Wooing Words
A few years ago, a girl I went to high school with texted me some very sweet sentiments amounting to her having a huge crush on me and complimenting me profusely. Having never been told something like that before, I just panicked and replied with a single word: “nice.” Somehow, we still ended up dating a few months later. Sadly, I couldn’t keep my foot out of my mouth.
Eventually I wanted to tell her how close I felt to her and how comfortable and safe she made me feel, as if I’d known her for much longer than I had. I messed it up really badly, folks, because my brain and mouth came up with “You’re like…a sister I am intimate with!” 4.5 years later and we’re happily married, with an apartment and a cat. I am the luckiest idiot in the world.
9. A Hairy Situation
I work in HR. I was talking a manager through a stressful situation that had lots of moving parts. I wanted to reassure her that we’d work through it together, methodically and step by step. I meant to say either “we’ll tackle the hairiest issues first” or “we’ll plug the biggest holes first.” Instead, I said, “We’ll plug the hairiest holes first.”
10. Three Wheeling
I was working in a drive-in ticket booth for a fancy heritage park in Yorkshire, when a car stopped at my booth with a young couple, a toddler, and the cutest corgi in the back. They asked a few questions about the park and also asked if it was okay to ride a tricycle around the grounds. Me, being completely enamored with this dog, hesitantly said yes.
I reminded them that all dogs needed to stay on leashes and, even as I planned to leave the booth to watch this bike pup, I exclaimed how excited I was to see this dog somehow ride this tiny bike. That’s when they gave me the weirdest look. The bike was for for their toddler, not the dog. I could’ve slapped myself for my the stupidity of it all. We had a good laugh about it but it was still a big smooth brain moment.
11. Customer (Un)service
When I was a teenager, I worked at a chain shoe store. A family came in and after I greeted them the father said, “We’re just looking, we won’t be a bother!” I wanted to say, “Oh no, you won’t be a bother.” But I also wanted to say, “Well, if you need anything, don’t be afraid to ask.” But what I actually said was, “Well, if you need anything, don’t bother asking.”
12. Horsing Around
My husband and I were watching the last summer Olympics, and I said to him, “I have water polo set to DVR so I can watch the horses, I want to see how they do in the water.” This was precisely because I thought that water polo was also played on horseback just like regular polo. Of course, I expected horses in the water.
13. A Matter Of Perspective
I was talking to my cousin about movies, and he asked me how big was my external hard drive. I proceeded to send him a picture of me holding the device and saying, “Just remember my hands are small.” He laughed his head off before explaining to me that when he asked about the drive’s size, he meant the amount of storage space that it had.
14. Shady Business
When I came out of Aldi at 8 pm, I thought to myself, “Damn. It was really dark in there.” I got in the car, and was trying to make the lights brighter because, I thought, “Heck, it’s really dark in the car too.” I went home and was checking the sliders on the lights because I thought they were turned down. I pondered, “Why is it so dark in the house?” When I finally discovered the reason—I couldn’t believe it…
Answer: I hadn’t taken my sunglasses off.
15. I Feel Pretty
In an interview I was asked, “If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?” As background info, I had been told they may ask what animal I’d be…so I had thought to myself, “An owl! Because they’re wise and I want to be wise.” When asked about what kind of bird I’d be, I forgot that an owl is, in fact, a type of bird, and said, “A bluebird?” It was too late to go back now.
The interviewer, of course, asked, “Why would you be a bluebird?” I replied, “Because they’re pretty.” The interviewer repeated my answer to confirm it. I just said, “Uh, yeah.” I knew I choked but it took me several weeks to realize that she thought I was calling myself pretty and that it was my favorite quality about myself. I did not get the position I was interviewing for.
16. An Ill-wind
I was on a cruise and the captain over the loudspeaker was talking about how there were some cool new innovations on boats regarding solar and other forms of renewables to cut down on pollution. I, clearly not thinking, blurted out, “Why aren’t there wind-powered boats?” Unfortunately, the captain heard and came on the loudspeaker to announce to the boat that I didn’t know what sailboats were…
17. An Eye For It
I used to do tech training at CNN. This particular class was the change from CC:Mail to Microsoft Outlook. Encouraging participation, I’d ask questions like “how do you think you do X” or “what’s the difference between the new tool and the old tool in regards to saving drafts?” One particular individual had something like a glass eye or an eyepatch.
The dude responded to my prompt with the correct answer, and I pointed at him and said, “Good eye!” I wanted to melt into the floor. My response had been genuine; I was being encouraging and was not making fun or trying to draw attention. After class, he and his friend stayed after and told me it was the funniest thing they’d heard in a while.
18. All The Signs
Once a friend of mine was taking a graphic design class. They asked me for my opinion on a project they were doing, in which they had to re-design road signs. They asked me if they should have a hand symbol on the sign or the words ”Stop.” I said, “You should have the words stop because blind people can’t see the hand!”
They then looked at me and asked, “You know blind people won’t be able to read stop either?” But that wasn’t the worst part. I literally thought blind people could somehow read letters like a normal person, but couldn’t see anything else.
19. Scrabbling For An Answer
As a young teenager, I was playing scrabble with my little sister and mom. I was trying to help my sister—about 9 at the time—figure out a word to play. I concentrated on her letters and told her, very seriously, “If you had the letter S you could spell the word W.” It took a second for me to clue in to why they started laughing. My sister and my mother have not let me live this down to this day—over a decade later—and I honestly have never been able to figure out what it was I was trying to say.
20. Locked Up
We had a Ford Windstar and the passenger side door lock solenoid burnt out. I ordered a new one and replaced the broken one. Easy. A couple months later the same thing happened to the driver’s side solenoid. I work out of town for 3 weeks at a time and this happened shortly after I went to work. I ordered a new solenoid and told my wife I’d fix it when I got home.
Fast forward 3 weeks. My wife, who isn’t very big, tells me “I can’t wait to get that door lock fixed; it’s really hard for me to reach across and unlock it.” I responded with a confused, “What?” Turns out that she had been unlocking the passenger door with the fob and reaching across the cab to unlock the driver’s door.
I said, “Honey, come with me.” We went to the car, I handed her the keys and pointed to the driver’s door and said, “See that keyhole?” There was a beat of silence and then she said, “Don’t you dare tell anyone about this!”
21. Second-hand Beverage. First Hand Embarrassment
My religious mother, who also happens to be a longtime nurse, waited up for me one night when I came home plastered. Her first question was, “Have you been drinking tonight?” I replied, “No, I haven’t”. Her follow up question was, “How come I can smell alcohol on you then?” Without skipping a beat, my plastered “smart” self had the perfect comeback: “Oh that? That’s just second-hand alcohol.” She was not amused nor fooled.
22. Speed Watching
My husband is an insanely fast reader. Way faster than I am. One day, while we were apart, we were watching the same movie, and my dumb self called him and actually said the words, “If you read so much faster than me, does that mean you watch movies faster too?” I knew it was the dumbest thing I’d ever said before I even finished the sentence, but the words just wouldn’t stop.
23. A Geographical Dilemma
A few years ago, we were at Nando’s for lunch and I was helping my child with the coloring sheet while waiting for our food. There was a maze that said “follow the lines to take the rooster to our flagship restaurant in Johannesburg.” Obviously, I knew Nando’s was a Portuguese-themed chain so, without thinking, I said, “Oh, I never realized Portugal was in South Africa.” My husband and my dad still make fun of me to this day.
24. He’s Just Not That Into You
Right in the prime of freshman year of high school, my school was very connected. Everyone was friends with everyone, and everyone talked about any drama. A girlfriend of mine had a party, and while we were all sitting around chatting, she asked myself and a group of guy friends why we thought nobody was into her romantically.
She was a great friend of mine, and in my plastered stupor, wondering why nobody was answering her, I unintentionally said the meanest thing ever: “Well, you aren’t really attractive enough for any one of us to want to date you. You’re like a bro, one of the guys.” Her face immediately turned red and I could see clearly that she was very upset.
Safe to say that following Monday, basically every one of the girls at school shunned me the entire year and the summer after that. I still look back on that moment and cringe at the fact that actually came out of my mouth, in a room full of people.
25. A Heated Situation
I saw a homeless man sitting on the ground outside of Dunkin’ Donuts. It was about 90 degrees outside and extremely humid. I blatantly said to him, “OMG! Why are you wearing that long-sleeved shirt and heavy jeans??! You must be dying!!” He looked up at me and said, “It’s all I have. I don’t have anything else to wear right now,” with a sad puppy dog look on his face.
I felt terrible! The next day I grabbed a bunch of short-sleeved shirts, shorts, and men’s tanks and hygiene products and saw him at the same Dunks and gave him a huge bag of my ex-boyfriend’s clothes that he had left at my house when we broke up.
26. A Whopping Mistake
I was heading out of town with my mom and we decided to stop by McD’s for dinner on our way out. I told my mom about how I had once accidentally asked for a Whopper at McD’s. So, what do I do when I get to the window this time? I say, “I’ll take two whoppers with no onions or tomato, please. NO! NO! I mean WHOPPER. Can I get two WHOPPERS with no onion or tomato.”
Mom pokes me, I face-palm. I turn to the cashier again and say, “I’m so sorry, I was thinking of BK when we came in. I’ll just take two whoppers with no onion and no tomato. NO! I’ll take two BIG HAMBURGERS with no onion and no tomato!!!” I, finally, got it right!
27. Getting Shirty
I used to work at CVS, and I was training to be a keyholder, which is to the manager/assistant manager what a lieutenant commander is to the captain/XO on Star Trek. One day neither of the managers could come in, so they sent this guy Ryan over from another store. This was the first time I had ever met him. Now at CVS, we have to wear those terrible blue polo shirts.
But Ryan, being management level, could elect to wear an actual professional shirt instead of the blue polo. We worked, did our shifts, and that was it. Maybe a week and a half later I head over to my friend’s store, and lo and behold Ryan is working there as well. On this day he had elected to wear his blue CVS polo shirt.
We knew these shirts, we all had these shirts, this was his shirt, the same way when you’re in the army this is your gear. So, I don’t recognize Ryan, but I kind of recognize him, and I’m staring at him for a couple of seconds, and it starts to slowly click. “Ryan?” I say, and he confirms this. And that’s when I realized what it was.
I had only seen him in a regular shirt. I had never seen him with his blue CVS polo. But what I said was, “Oh, it IS you! I didn’t recognize you with your shirt on!”
28. A Searching Question
A couple of months ago, I got up and drove to work as usual. Sometime later, my girlfriend texted me from home to ask me if she had left her sunglasses in my car. I told her that I wasn’t entirely sure, but she was, of course, welcome to grab my spare key and then go check. In my car. Which I had driven to work. And which was with me at work right then.
29. Icing On The Cake
I recently started a new job at a bakery and we got a box of cakes that came in. Being an ever clever and eager-to-learn worker, I decided to read the boxes to see what kind of cakes they were. They were labeled “Uniced cakes.” I, then, asked a co-worker what type of cake an uniced cake was except that I pronounced it as “you-niced” because that’s what I thought they were. My co-worker looked at me like I was the biggest idiot in the world. And I agree.
30. A Freudian Slip
My friend was telling me about the recent news of a magician getting mauled by a tiger. He kept saying “Sigfried and Roy,” and I very confidently corrected him and said, “No, it’s just one person and his name is Sigmund Freud.” My friend’s mom burst out laughing. Soon after saying that, I learned that “Sigfried and Roy” and “Sigmund Freud” were in fact not the same entity at all, but sounded so similar that my 12-year-old mind conflated the two.
31. A Flying Conclusion
I was wondering why they had shut the gate at my kids’ school, and I looked around and saw a multitude of crows. So, I said to another parent, “Probably shut the gates to keep the crows out.” As soon as it left my mouth, I remembered they can fly. The other parent lost it laughing and I wanted the floor to swallow me up.
32. A Rose By Any Other Name
I had social anxiety in high school. I moved to a new school and asked a girl what her name was. She said her name was Lauren but people called her Lolly. I said, “Well, my name is Kayla but you can call me anytime.” I then winked. I thought it was funny but her and her friends just stared at me and didn’t say anything. I was so embarrassed!
I got off a red-eye, very sleep-deprived, and realized I had forgotten my glasses on the plane. I asked the very kind gate agent if she could go check my seat to see if she could find them. While she was gone, I touched my face. My heart sunk. My glasses were on. my. head. I was mortified and apologized profusely when she returned. She was really nice about it though.
34. From The High Seas
It was Halloween and I had a patient come in who had an eye patch on and a cane, and I said, “Where’s the rest of your pirate costume?” Then I remembered that I work in an optometrist’s office and he was there for a cataract checkup. He laughed and said that would be a great costume, but it still haunts me to this day years later.
35. If I Knew
It was the first I had been pulled over and I was extremely nervous. The authority figure, who had pulled me over, asked, “Ma’am, any idea why I pulled you over?” I replied that I didn’t know. He clarified, “You were doing 53 in a 45.” I immediately said, “Oh! I would have slowed down if I had seen you.” My hand flew up, covering my mouth.
I had clearly thought out loud and was not actually replying to him. Way to be, you Kelly Bundy! He squinted and laughed, saying, “I’m sure you would have!” I still got a ticket too but I think deserved more for my big mouth. He used to come in to a restaurant I waited tables at and, though he never brought it up, he would wink at me every time he came in.
36. Nerdy Talk
I attended a meeting at my old company and I turned out to be the only man there. The woman giving the presentation was having trouble connecting her computer to the big screen, so I pulled out my adapter and helped her get all set. She said, “You’re pretty handy to have around” and I—intending to convey nothing but my nerdiness—started to say, “Well, I’m pretty well endowed in the dongle department.”
As I started to say this, my brain belatedly realized how inappropriate this would be and cut me off—leaving me to say, “Well, I’m pretty well endowed.” Fortunately, this only elicited a couple of awkward laughs and not an incident with the HR.
37. Stop And Smell The Roses
Early in our marriage my wife and I would go on longer trips in the car. Back then, after driving for a while, I couldn’t really drive and talk at the same time. During one trip, we were talking, and I was trying to say, “Life’s too short, you gotta stop and smell the roses.” But what came out was, while I gestured with my hands, “Life…You gotta smell.” I’ve yet to live this down.
38. The Signs Point To
When I was living up in Fairbanks, I was out driving with my parents one day. There was a truck in front of us that had a decal on the back window. It had the word “Home” written, except that the “o” was replaced with an outline of the state of Alaska. My dad said, “Oh, that’s cute. They replaced the ‘o’ in ‘home’ with Alaska.” My response: “Thanks for explaining that, because I had no idea what ‘Halaskame’ meant.”
I was at Publix buying food things with my boyfriend. We were getting some drinks and a few things for making tacos. We used the self-checkout, and the screen beeped to call an employee to check our ID. I said, “I didn’t know you had to be 21 to buy cilantro!” My boyfriend clarified, “Babe, it’s for the alcohol.” I’ve never felt dumber, but luckily he still loves me despite my lapse in common sense in that moment.
Some time ago, when I was in my twenties, I was boarding a plane and one of the flight attendants who was a beautiful young woman looked me in the eyes and said, “Nice tie.” I was, indeed, wearing a nice tie, fashionable for that era. But before I could process what she said I just replied, “17-A,” or something like that, referring to my seat number. I could’ve kicked myself for this missed opportunity.
She looked at her friend who was also a young beautiful female flight attendant and laughed. A few seconds later when I processed what she had said I had already walked past them and I couldn’t walk backwards because everyone else was also boarding and looking for their seats. I didn’t see her for the rest of the flight.
She was probably on the front of the plane and I had a window seat towards the back of the plane. I can never stop wondering what would have happened if I had flirted back.
41. Name Brand Or Store Brand?
While I was out for a walk, I admired a cute dog. I wanted to ask what breed it was but my brain was not working. So, instead, I asked, “What brand is your dog?” which startled the owner, and myself. I made a fumbling attempt at correcting myself. That resulted in me blurting out another stupid thing—“Species!”—which only made matters worse.
42. Wide Open
I was at the dentist and he has me clench my teeth to look at my bite. He then says, “Any pain?” To that I reply, “No,” with my teeth still clenched. He and the dental hygienist look at each other confused, so I ask him to repeat what he said. Apparently, he had actually said, “Open up.” So, he had literally asked me to open up and I said no. I wanted to shrivel up in a hole and leave this Earth. I was so embarrassed. They thought it was hilarious though.
43. You Say Potato, I Say Potahto
I was student teaching and discussing my weekend plans to visit my cousin. One teacher said, “Oh, you’re visiting your cousin? I thought you said you were going to visit your boyfriend.” In an attempt to gloss over his mistake and communicate the sentiment of “no worries,” I instead shrugged and for some reason said, “Same thing.”
44. Feeling Taxed
When I was doing a woman’s taxes and asked her if she had any medical expenses for the year. She said, “Well, I had to put my husband in a nursing home last year.” I said, “That’s excellent! Big time deductions there.” Then I looked up and saw the look on her face and it still took me another three or four seconds to realize why she looked so horrified. I’ve never apologized so sincerely and completely in my life. I had a really hard time forgiving myself for that one.
45. Putting The High In High School
I was giving a presentation about my club in high school, and at the end I wanted to invite people to come and visit us, so I went to say “stop by” or “say hi” but instead I managed to tell about 100 high schoolers to “stay high.” I didn’t know why everyone laughed till later when my friend told me what I had actually said.
46. Milking It
I came to know that a colleague grew up on a farm. They said that it was great and that they had buffaloes which they used milk with their dad. Confused, I said, “Wait, how do you milk a buffalo?” The colleague gave me a look and said, “The same way you’d milk a cow.” I was still confused because I thought that buffaloes were male cows.
So, of course, I asked, “Do you…?” I made a gesture accompanying my question. My colleague looked at me with a mixture of concern, confusion and exasperation and clarified that they weren’t male cows and were, in fact, a different type of an animal altogether. There was a complete and utter (or dare I say, udder) silence once I understood that.
47. Bend There Done That
I was on a business call at work. The finance manager and I faced each other in our cubicles and the wall between us was low so that we could see each other. We had a good working relationship and we laughed a lot. One day, as I was hanging up the phone from a vendor who had just agreed to make changes to everything I needed her to do, I exclaimed, “Thank you so much! You are so bendable!”
I hung up the phone. He looks at me and he says, “You just called her bendable!” I said, “No I didn’t! I thanked her for being so flexible!” He burst out laughing and I said, “Wait…did I?” By this time, he was laughing so hard I knew that I had. Now I had two choices—let it go or correct myself. I couldn’t let it go so I called the woman back and apologized.
She asked me for what I was apologizing for. I said, “I was trying to thank you for being so flexible but I called you bendable and didn’t realize until I hung up what I had actually said. But my coworker is sitting there looking at me laughing at me so I just had to call and make this right with you.” She responded with, “No worries. I’m here laughing too.”
48. Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
In my freshman year of college, I was dorming next door to a couple cute girls. About a week into the first semester, one of the girls walked from the coed showers to her dorm room in her towel, still wet. We were both unlocking our doors to get in our rooms when she looked at me and sarcastically said, “I know I look stunning.”
To that I replied, “Don’t flatter yourself.” I had to slide a note under her door explaining I was tongue tied as she was, in fact, beautiful and I meant to say, “Don’t be hard on yourself; you look great,” or something to that nature. We, happily, became good friends.
49. The Scent Of Attraction
I’m in this cafe to leave a bunch of flyers that I had made. As I’m leaving, the waitress tells me that she likes my perfume. Normally, I’d pick up on this as sort of a chat-up line and politely diffuse it, but because of COVID and a recent breakup, I’m just not in that mindset at all, so I just blurt out “Yeah, I put on extra because I didn’t shower today. And I sweat a lot.”
Like, I can’t even cringe at myself, I’m so horrified. Even if she was just being nice, I’m now a weird story she can tell her friends. I’m such a moron.
50. Dried Up
While talking with a friend from Egypt, I commented something about infrastructure in his country, ended up mixing several thoughts at once and insinuated that they had no water because it’s a desert. That meant not even the Nile had water. I’ve blacked out my exact words but the look he gave me is seared into my brain forever.
51. A Simple Solution
When I was in middle school, we had a serious graffiti problem in the guys’ bathroom. In our weekly class assembly, they asked the 7th grade if we had any ideas of how to stop this. I told them my brilliant idea, “Just put cameras in the bathrooms.” Somehow, I don’t remember that many people laughing but maybe it was because of my eyes, ears, and entire body shutting down from embarrassment.
52. Time(d) Out
I was extremely tired in the middle of an all-nighter during finals week and decided to make a midnight run to the snack-shop for something. So, I tossed on my comfiest pair of sweats and hoodie, drew the hood over my head, jammed my hands in my pockets and set off down the alley behind my apartment. In my brain-fried state I didn’t notice a lone woman coming from the opposite direction who I was bee-lining straight towards.
I must’ve looked like some kind of creep and she just gives me a “Hello!” that made me jump and all I could get out was a “Good morning! Er… good afternoon? Wait no, good evening! *sigh* hello, I am very tired.” It was pretty funny in hindsight; I just feel bad that I must’ve seemed pretty scary to that poor woman at first.
53. Wishing Well
I was a movie theatre manager and worked 14-hour days, 4 days a week. It was rough but I was 19 so I managed. After getting off work on day 4, I drove to pick up my buddy. We were going to play some gears. Just a note that my buddy was taken in custody in the house of one of the biggest dealers in the area and was on parole for two years.
So, I picked him up, and we went and snagged some food, on the way back to my place. Of course, from the restaurant to my apartment my headlight went out. We got pulled over. We were stuck there for like 45 minutes because of my buddy’s arrest history. They searched the car and found nothing, so it was all good. The still doubtful officer let us go.
As he was walking away, I blurted out, “Thank you, enjoy your movie tonight.” I just drove away and my buddy was freaking out. I didn’t even realize what I had said because I was still in work mode. To this day, it is surprising that he didn’t pull me back over.
54. Unrelated Twins
I said, “I think it’s wild that there was another famous activist/boxer who looked precisely like Muhammad Ali and no one has ever even referenced this in front of me, on a show or anything. He looks so much like him, it is uncanny.” At the time, I was in the middle of reading something about Cassius Clay. I was at least 33 when I learned that that was just Muhammad Ali’s name. This was less than ten years ago and I have no idea how I could be this poorly informed.
55. Shaking It Up
I was eating at Olive Garden, in the bar with my son. He was drinking this delicious thing with Kahlua and Amaretto and a lot of other enjoyable things in it. I told the bartender that I wanted to have a frozen chocolate milk. My son simply looked at me and said, “You mean a chocolate shake?” My dumbness is never ending.
When I was about six or seven, I was still learning to read the time on a clock quickly, so I’d look at it a lot and try to keep up with the time of the day. My parents would then sometimes ask me playfully what time it was so I could practice. So, one time, I looked at the clock, saw it was around 3:45 pm, and went about my day.
A bit later, my dad asked the usual, “What time is it, son?” I just winged it based on the last time that I had read on the clock and trying to add up the added time since. And I blurted out, quite proudly, “Hmmm. It must be around 4:65, dad!” Granted, I was pretty young, but I still remember how stupid that was to this day.
57. Checking In
A foxy older woman executive happened to be walking by the front of my office, and I recognized her as a contact for my regional president. So, I wanted to be polite and said, “Can I take your clothes off,” instead of, “Can I take your coat.” I turned beet red and started stammering and apologizing immediately. I am so glad that she laughed and literally patted my head, teased me, and said, “Maybe if you were my age or older, I’d give you a shot.”
Once I was in line for a Neil Gaiman book signing. As soon as it was my turn to get my book signed, I was so starstruck I blurted out the most backward thing ever: “You are my biggest fan!” I immediately realized my mistake and apologized profusely, and Neil just laughed it off and signed the book. I was so flustered I didn’t pay attention to what he scribbled in.
Only after I left the area and opened up my copy of the book to realize he’d signed it with, “From your biggest fan, Neil Gaiman”.
59. A Crushing Feeling
I’m gay and had an intense crush on my straight best friend in eighth grade. I just found him to be the cutest and sweetest person ever. I may have searched up his name on Google a few times to see the results. One day, we’re sitting in the movie theater waiting for the film to start. We’re just chilling and I show him a YouTube video of me that pops up if you Google my name.
He tells me that the Google result for his name is his old Twitter account. I guess I must have spaced out in that moment because I gave probably the stupidest and creepiest answer someone could give in that situation: “I know.” I very quickly realized what I had just said and tried to backtrack by claiming that I search up classmates’ names when I’m bored.
He must have noticed my extreme blushing and obvious lack of eye contact though because he just smiles and tells me not to lie to him because he isn’t stupid. At this point, I’m way too flustered to say anything else because I just confessed my feelings in the worst way possible, but he thankfully never told anyone else and kept being my friend with a few light teases here and there.
60. Such Great Heights
I was on a cruise ship, watching the water below the deck. The movement and the creatures in the water were fascinating to see. As I looked, I said, “Wow, look at those fish. They look like tiny dolphins!” A woman next to me looked at me like I was crazy and said, “They are dolphins…you’re on the thirteenth floor!” I almost died of embarrassment.