Has this ever happened to you? You’ve been the butt of a joke at work or at school, but the only thing you could do was laugh uncomfortably. Well, these quick-witted Redditors not only came up with some of the greatest comebacks you’ll ever hear, but they came up with them right on the spot. Ouch! Take note because these one one-liners are absolutely priceless.
I work with one of the biggest jerks around. One day, he told a female coworker she was so ugly that the only thing she could turn on was a hose. Without missing a beat, she replied that at least when she turned something on it got wet. The guy was absolutely speechless, and I laughed so hard, tears started rolling down my cheeks.
Whilst training in the British army we went out for a few drinks and every unit has that one Bell-end that thinks he's god's gift to women. Ours spotted a good-looking girl at the bar and announced to us all watch the master at work. He proceeds over to the bar next to the girl and says, "I've got the biggest woody you'll ever see and will give you the time of your life".
The girl responds as quickly as a flash, "Is it really big?" He says yeah. She asks if it reaches his butt. Him, being the jerk that he is, responds, "Of course it does". She comes back with "Great. You can go screw yourself then". He ran off like his hair was on fire and we all bought the girls drinks for the rest of the night and told her she was our hero.
I was in the grocery store with my girlfriend, and she lightly bumped her cart into a middle-aged guy’s cart by accident. She apologized, and the guy goes “Oh don’t worry, you know what they say about female drivers.” Without missing a beat she replied, “Yeah, the same thing they say about elderly ones.” I had to sprint away because I almost lost it.I have never seen an entitled old guy look so gobsmacked.
At the Scottish games, one dude thought he'd be smart and asked a performer a rather inappropriate question. The performer was wearing a kilt, and so this guy asks him: “What do you wear under that skirt?” The guy did not skip a beat and said “Your mother’s lipstick.” It was the perfect comeback. I laughed and so did the guy’s buddies.
My boyfriend was in the grocery store. Our twin daughters were in the shopping cart, maybe five years old. Twins get you a lot of attention from random strangers, especially when they're little, and it's a pain for everyone, including the kids. They don't always want attention. Some random lady had stopped and was chatting with the girls.
One of the girls is very much a people person and was happy to chat, but her sister wasn't up for that, so she wasn't participating. This lady got ticked about that and told our introvert kid "Your sister is so much prettier than you are". Without missing a beat, my tiny little badass looked that woman dead in the eyes and said "And you're so much fatter than my sister is, too".
My boyfriend managed to get the cart onto the next aisle before laughing his head off.
I was working in tech. It was common for someone to call us right before a presentation to hook up a laptop to our system in the meeting room. Can't tell you how many times I'm feverishly working while the meeting is going on. This happened again one day when the devices just wouldn't talk to one another, and I didn't have time to track down the issue with the room full of our entire staff.
It came time for the presentation to be put up on the big monitor and I shook my head to the guy to tell him it wasn't connecting. "So, Marv, you can't get it up?" I immediately hung my head and said "Oh don't say it like THAT!" The entire office broke up and they never let him live it down.
I asked my mother out of curiosity what she would do if she found a used rubber in my brother's room. Her response was hilarious. "I would remind him that you can't get HIV from your hand". For context, I live in South Africa where HIV is very common.
Two neighbors (renters, young and dating while living together) took their argument to the front yard. They were screaming for 15 minutes. The fight ended with: Her: "That doesn't change the fact that you went down on my mom!" Him: "Well you didn't complain when she paid me $500 for it!" It wasn’t a witty retort or anything, but for me and the neighbor who came over so we could listen together, both agreed that they reached the apex of that argument.
I work in a factory with a short guy. This other dude picked on him incessantly, and for the most part, he let the insults slide off his back. But, one day, he got to the end of his rope. The taller guy asked, “Do you want me to pick you up so you can wash your hands?” The short guy turned to the guy beside him and asked, “Will you pick me up so he can kiss my butt?” I was in tears.
This was too good to be true. I was in line at Safeway and the guy in front of me was on the phone with his son next to him. the woman behind him said, "You should be talking to your son, it's Father's Day". Without missing a beat he said, "Gotta go, dad" and hung up. The look on that sourpuss's face was priceless.
One of my favorite bars in Chicago (Galway Bay) has several Irish bartenders and gets its fair share of tourists. At the earliest hint of an Irish accent, this particular tourist can't resist saying, "I've been to Ireland. Amazing place. What part of Ireland are you from?" Bartender: "I'm from (wherever), but I've moved around a bit".
Tourist: "My great-grandfather was from (somewhere place unrelated to bartender's hometown). He was a farrier. Do you know what a farrier is?" Bartender, who sounds a bit agitated at the dull conversation: "Aye, they shoe horses". Tourist: "Have you ever shoed a horse?" Bartender: "Never shooed a horse, but I've told a donkey to take a hike once".
My friend got pantsed, underwear and all, at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up immediately, he just kept going about his business, while his junk hung out for all to see. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn't know him, looked uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely.
Our friend, the host, said "Dude, why don't you pull your pants up?" The pantsed guy said, "I didn't pull them down". Then took his turn in pong. But the best part of all? The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend's pants back up.
This woman has just given birth and tore a bit, and the father was in the delivery room while the nurse stitched her up. The father “jokingly” said, “Be sure and stitch her up nice and tight for me down there.” Without missing a beat the nurse said, “Just how small do you need it to be, sir?” The nurse was a legend on the floor for that.
We were having a debate about something during history class in high school. The two arguing the hardest both had interesting reputations. The kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told the girl that had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth. She retorted, “At least people like it when I open my mouth!” The entire class lost it, including the teacher.
I was working as a barista and I was dealing with a Karen. She had the most obnoxious order and had to question everything, whilst telling me how to do my job. After I finished her beverage and handed it to her, I asked her if she could hold on for a moment, as I had something really important for her. I gave her a job application!
I told her that I appreciated her keen knack for details and already knew so much about the job that we would be overjoyed if she came to work for us. The manager was in tears from laughter after getting an upset phone call about being offered a job. She couldn’t get me in any trouble, because well, I didn’t do anything wrong.
A young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapprovingly at her in a restaurant. But that wasn't all. This stranger proceeds to walk up and say the most offensive thing ever, "Pregnancy isn't very becoming on you". My coworker wasn't even phased and simply replied, "Well, being a nosey rude woman isn’t becoming on you, but here we are".
My 3-year-old niece came over with her dad, and, as little kids do, just randomly interrupted our adult conversation to say emphatically: “I’m THREE!” To which I replied, “Wow, sweetie! How did you get so old?” My niece, gently but matter-of-factly correcting me like I am a simpleton who needs help: “Actually, I’m kind of new.” It’s been months and I laugh every time I think of this story.
My friend was overweight and his grandfather always teased him about it. Their mutual sharp wit always kept it entertaining until grandpa's mind went. Except it turned out that grandpa actually had gangrene in his leg, and when they amputated it, grandpa was suddenly back to normal and they didn’t joke anymore. That was until one day when grandpa hobbled in and saw my friend making a large sandwich while eating a smaller one.
One was for lunch later but gramps laid into him anyway. "Why the heck are you eating two sandwiches? You know that's why you're fat...Fatty". My friend had gotten tired of this stuff by now so he just turns to him walking around on a prosthetic with a cane and says, "Aren't you supposed to be losing a butt-whipping contest somewhere?"
I teach high school students. One day I misspoke and said “three” while meaning four, and immediately corrected myself. I then had a student be annoying about it and for days just say “You mean three!?” At everything. One fateful Wednesday she said it one too many times and, without thinking, I uttered the words of chaos, “You’re a three.”
Not realizing that the whole “You’re a 10” thing was still in use as well as not intending it in that way did not stop the onslaught of laughter from her peers, and she was forever known as a 3/10.
I observed this walking to the men’s room at a bar in Nashville. A legitimately cross-eyed man exiting the bathroom while someone else was walking in and they bumped into each other. It wasn’t anything serious. But it still leads to this exchange: Cross-eyed man: “Watch where you’re going!” Non-Cross-eyed man: “Go where you’re watching!”
I was working on a railroad signal crew. We were behind on a project and were told that we'd have to work Saturday on an upcoming three-day weekend. About noon that Friday, the foreman tells us that we've caught up enough that we can go now and enjoy our holiday weekend. One member of my crew was this huge angry Viking of a man. Think 6'5" tall, 400lbs.
He shouted "Yeah! I'm going to go home and surprise my girlfriend with a big [wang]!" With absolute horror, I heard my voice say: "That would be a surprise since you left home this morning with a little one". Fortunately, he thought it was hilarious because he was between me and the door.
My brother-in-law made a joke about paying a doctor a couple of bucks to add the “husband stitch.” My sister-in-law said, “Too bad we couldn’t afford to pay him to add the extra inches you need.”
I remember I had a family dinner when I was in middle school, and my rude little old aunt was over. I said something and she barked at me, “Don’t be such a smart alec!” So I looked her square in the eyes and was like, “Yeah? Well, I’d rather be a smart alec than a dumb one....like you.” I got in trouble but the look on her face was SO worth it. She’s such a mean woman I’d been dying to say something back to her forever.
I don't care if it's self-congratulatory, I'm proud of this one: I was having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she's doing the older sibling thing. Sister: “You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but *I* got the street smarts.” Me: “The corner doesn't count.” My dad choked on his dinner he was laughing so hard.
I worked with an older gentleman who was from Chicago. He had a story or an opinion on everything and he was very proud of his smack-talking talents. The entire department was walking off to a meeting and, as it was summer and many of us were wearing shorts, somehow the topic shifted to the lack of hair on somebody's legs.
Mr. Smack Talker spouted out the comment that "hair doesn’t grow on dead things," but he had forgotten one important thing...All I had to do was look at his head and arch an eyebrow. He had let the fact that he was quite bald escape his memory.
My dad and I were at a farming expo. I have a bunch of chickens. This presenter, a chicken-owning expert, is droning on about how stupid chickens are, and I'm getting annoyed. I know they're not clever, but you can teach them basic tricks. And even if they are stupid, okay, fine, but I came here to learn something, please. My dad, without missing a beat, after this woman says they're dumb for the fourth time: "I think chickens take on the personalities of their owners".
When I was working as a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western-style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults-only costume party later on. One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I gave him one fiery comeback to-go...
"You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you've come here dressed as a jerk". He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful.
My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, "Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don't forget this".
My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, "Oh we won't forget. We're going to tell them to go get grandpa!" Ha Ha… I love that gal.
At work a couple of weeks ago, a female coworker needed to look in a drawer I was standing in front of, and she said: “I need to get underneath you.” Without hesitation, I responded with something toeing the line of creepy and clever: “I didn’t know you were into antiques.” I’m 60. Luckily, we both got a good laugh out of it.
This was in Grade 5. We did a parade with our Halloween costumes on. My group of friends and I passed a girl from our class. One of my buddies makes eye contact and says "What are you looking at?" Without even thinking about it, this 5th-grade girl condescendingly says "Not much". And then just sashays away. What a legend.
My dad is a very large man, 6'5" tall and pretty round. He looks a little like Hagrid when he lets his beard grow long. A friend of his was over one day and my dad was giving him a hard time about being short (I'd guess the guy was about 5'7" tall). Just the usual jokes about being "vertically challenged" or needing a ladder to climb into his truck.
After 10 or 20 minutes of joking around the friend just yelled "I'M SORRY I DON'T HAVE TO BEND DOWN TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB, DAN!"
When I was about 7 years old I wanted some of the bulk candy at the local grocery store. That was the candy you put into the bag, the cashier would weigh the bag and charge by the weight. Me: “Hey mom can I have some candy?” Mom: “No, not today, I didn’t bring enough money with me.” Me: “If you don’t get me the candy I’ll embarrass you!” BIG mistake.
That’s when she backhanded me in the middle of the store and said, “Who’s embarrassed now?” It was me, reader, I was embarrassed. Lesson learned, I never threatened my mother again.
I used to work with a very conservative, very angry older man who would get triggered if you did not agree with him. Like red face angry. He would always equate my age to being less intelligent than him. I forget what we were talking about. But he went on about how he was wiser given his age. I simply said, "If you’re so smart, then why are we both doing the same job?"
He did not have an answer for me. And then I felt bad afterward for having said it.
I was at a work outing (team-building type thing) and Jerk Coworker had brought his girlfriend and their infant along. The girlfriend was looking in the diaper bag for something and pulled out a rubber, which another coworker proceeded to jokingly declare was the wrong size. Without blinking she reassured him, “It's ok honey, we'll get you some smaller ones!”
My uncle and I worked at a Burger King together. I was a shift lead. He was complaining to me about a useless coworker that none of us wanted to work with. This guy was maybe a year older than me (I'm 22) and was just in a poor state. He didn’t shower, his arms covered in track marks, and he shows up late or not at all.
Even when he did show up, he'd over-extend his breaks and would get high on the clock. He overheard my uncle and started to pipe up to stop him when my uncle turned and flat out told him "You're about as useful as a submarine with screen doors". But then he took it one step further. He doubled down with, "I've had more intelligent conversations with a couch from Ikea".
I had a co-worker who was a bit of a jerk. He was an alumnus of William and Mary and wouldn't shut up about it. We worked with plenty of people who went to better colleges than that, but nobody else was as obnoxious as this guy. His daughter got into UVA, and when I congratulated him I told him, "Every parent dreams that their kid does just a little bit better than they did".
I worked in a preschool years ago. I had this one kid who could be a real annoyance sometimes. Giving the other kids thumbs down, saying he didn't like them, absolutely devastating to the other kids. I was constantly hearing "Miss Bells, Isaac said he didn't like me!" Then, Isaac made a fatal mistake. He tried it on a three-year-old girl.
Isaac: "I don't like you!" Three Year Old: "Well, my mommy LIKES me!" Shut him right up. It was gorgeous and a little vicarious victory. The three-year-old was super sass and I still chuckle at it to this day.
In Grade 3 my class was walking out to recess and I noticed that one of the popular boys that I had a crush on had his zipper down. This was my chance. I was going to exploit this embarrassing situation and get Joey T. to finally notice me. In front of everyone I said, “Joey, your fly is down.” Joey T. zipped up without a care in the world and asked, “Why were you looking there?”
He was right. Why was I looking there? I felt bulletproof calling him out. I was going to best him and create a splash within the third-grade social scene so large it would be rippling through the hallways for days. But within seconds I realized how truly untouchable he was. Why was I looking there?
I was at my biggest, more than 320 pounds, and early into dating this woman who was a 10/10. I had no business dating her but she liked me so I wasn’t about to defeat myself. Dressing for a night out, I was feeling bad about my body and walked up to her in my apartment and asked, “Does this shirt make me look too fat to be seen with you?”
“Your fat makes you look fat. Not the shirt,” was her reply. “Ouch,” I said. “The truth only hurts when it should,” was her reply. That was a pivotal moment for me. Within a year I dropped almost 100 lbs., but within two years I was down to 180 lbs. I was in my 20s back then and I went on to get and stay fit well into my 40s now. But here's the best part: 2021 will be our 17th year of marriage.
My buddy and I (who’s a pretty big guy and can fight) were at the bar having some drinks when some dude came up and started antagonizing me (who was short and skinny) trying to fight me. My buddy told the guy to back off and go away and he turned and said, “What did you say to me?” and my buddy stood up and looked him in the eye and said, “I said you better sit your five-dollar butt down before I make change.”
The guy stared in awe and my buddy said “Do you I need to open up the register to get the change?” The guy just quietly sat down on the other end of the bar.
The backstory is that my mom had dropped out of high school, returned to India, got engaged (arranged marriage) to my dad at 19, married a year later, and had my sister at 21, my brother at 23, and me at 27. She’s always regretted leaving school and not pursuing an education. Last year, I turned 28. One day, my mom and I were just sitting, watching TV, and had this conversation:
Mom: “I got married and finished having kids at 27. Aren’t you embarrassed?” Me: “No, I got a Diploma and a Bachelor’s Degree”. I then stopped and realized what I said, and looked at my mom. She just looked at me for a sec and said: “BURN!”
In class, I had that one kid who would try to get popularity points by adding his comment on everything a teacher would say. One time in class, he was being his usual disrespectful and disruptive self. In Social Studies, we talked about the controversy around immigrants being sent away from the USA. I believe he said something along the lines of "All immigrants should be sent away.”
When all of a sudden, the quiet kid (me) barked back "Then why are you still here?" (He was not originally born in the USA nor NZ - my country). I went from being the quiet kid to the popular kid in two seconds.
A buddy and I, both grown adults, were on our way to an NFL game with my 15-year-old brother and his 14-year-old friend. We stopped at a Mexican restaurant to eat before the game and my buddy orders one of those giant fishbowl margaritas. My brother’s friend says "Scott you think you have a problem with alcohol?”
My buddy didn't miss a beat and immediately comes back with: "I have to wait until 1 o’clock on a Sunday before they let me buy it, and that's a problem for me". I laughed my head off.
I am a lawyer. There was a small protest over a recent decision outside the courthouse. A non-local but very experienced and senior prosecutor was in town for a matter and had to pass the demonstrators. One of the demonstrators yelled at him as he was walking, "I bet you suck lemons!" This legend yelled back, "Lucky guess!" If I ever get half as good as he was, I will be fulfilled.
I used the line from the movie Iron Eagle once on a jerk at school that seemed to help. Using the kid’s name when he shoved me against some lockers I said so everyone in the hallway could hear: “What’s your problem, Rory? Can’t you get through a single day without proving what a jerk you are?” He stammered and shrugged and walked always and never really bothered me again.
My older brother and I were flying a kite he built. A guy walks by asking how we got it to fly so high. He responded, "Long strings". He said it humorously and didn't come across as rude at all. The guy chuckled. This was more than 40 years ago, and although my brother left us nearly two decades ago, I have always cherished that memory of him.
My son, about five at the time, got upset and started slamming doors in a supermarket once when he didn’t get what he wanted. I picked him up under one arm, and with him hanging there walked past all the customers in the check-out line and out into the car. He got to sit there while we completed our shopping.
He never pulled such a stunt again by the way. Parents have no reason to be embarrassed when their kids misbehave because every single person you meet with kids knows.
Try this one the next time you’re confronted with a super aggressive know-it-all who says to you, "Do you know who I am?, I'm (inconsequential person from an inconsequential company)". Just reply, "You know you have to be somebody for that to work, right?"
Someone asked a friend of mine if he was gay. He said, "If you'll excuse my rudeness in not answering your question, I'll excuse your rudeness for asking it". I thought it was perfect.
The perfect reply to “Do you know who I am?" has got to be:"Why, do you have dementia?"
I was seven months pregnant and huge. While heading to my car some random dude stopped me and rubbed my stomach while asking when I was due. I rubbed his stomach and asked him when he was due.
Now, I have two younger siblings, a sister and the youngest, a brother. Anyway, when we were younger my brother, who was in the annoying, no-filter teen phase would tease my sister. He’s not a bad guy now, but was a little brat at that age and will admit it. He would be the first, even at that age to knock a kid down for teasing any of his older sisters.
This time they were going at it and he was teasing her about how she was the 'mistake' child and wasn't planned. And she would retort that FedEx dropped him off. It was very funny to watch. My brother was taking things a little too far and it was no longer funny but annoying to my sister. That’s when my mom came down and laid down the law.
With a completely straight face pointed at me first, then my sister, then him, while saying about each of us, "No, she was a surprise, she was unplanned, you were the mistake". and then calmly walked off to the kitchen to get a drink. My dad poked his head around the corner from the computer just stunned with his mouth open and began to laugh.
My brother, who couldn't help but smile, also had to try and save himself from that savage burn but it was too late. Best. Burn. Ever.
On a Friday, my boss had just fired an insufferable jerk who was disliked by basically everyone despite his fantastic work ethic. The following Monday he comes in to give a little pep talk to the department about how he'll hire a replacement asap. At one point he drops something like, "That Jim guy is such an idiot I almost feel sorry for him. Who would ever hire a guy like that?"
Without hesitation, the new kid who was working there a week at the time drops "Well, you did.” I laughed so hard!
I was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy kept looking at her and shaking his head. He eventually snapped at her for “not knowing how to live without technology” and without looking up she smirked and said, “Don’t you have a pacemaker?”
My mom never told me how her best friend died. Years later, I was using her phone when I made an utterly chilling discovery.
Madame de Pompadour was the alluring chief mistress of King Louis XV, but few people know her dark history—or the chilling secret shared by her and Louis.
I tried to get my ex-wife served with divorce papers. I knew that she was going to take it badly, but I had no idea about the insane lengths she would go to just to get revenge and mess with my life.
Catherine of Aragon is now infamous as King Henry VIII’s rejected queen—but few people know her even darker history.
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