What do you get when you mix high stakes, law enforcement, and lawyers? The perfect recipe for drama.
1. In Her Defense, We Have None
I represent clients before the IRS. I had this awful couple who owed around $250,000 in back taxes. We had no defense, so the only thing to do was have the clients meet with the IRS and plead for leniency. Well, I knew there was no hope of helping them when the wife got arrogant with the IRS agent. At one point, she stood up and screamed "You'll take away my Mercedes over my lifeless body"! at the IRS agent. Then, she stormed out of the conference room. Needless to say, she lost the Mercedes.
2. Tech Support
I run a consumer advocacy firm. I had a client come in and tell me that he bought a product, and the company refused to honor the warranty after the product broke. I asked for details, and he just started screaming in my face asking if I was going to take his money or not. I decided then that I wasn't taking him on as a client, but I wanted to know what was going on. I’ll never forget the story that he told me.
I convinced him to tell me what happened. Turns out, he bought a computer back in the 1990s. It had just recently stopped working. But not because it was old and just stopped working. It was slow, so he picked it up, and threw it out a two-story window. And then he wanted to sue the manufacturer for breaking the warranty.
3. Driving While Stupid
My all-time favorite is a client I had who was charged with drinking and driving. He wanted to challenge the charges on the grounds he thought he was sober, and the tests were administered improperly. Well, he appeared at his court hearings rip-roarin' inebriated. Twice. Both times, he got into his car and tried to drive away. Both times, officers promptly stopped him, administered a breathalyzer, and charged him. We didn't win that case.
4. Well That Backfired
The client hired an accountant. The accountant did the work. The client decided not to pay the accountant. The accountant sends me a demand letter for the full sum plus interest, since their contract stipulated there'd be interest for late payment. I convince the accountant to settle for the full amount owing under contract, but no interest—but my ordeal wasn’t over yet.
The client doesn't pay. The accountant files a statement of claim and gets a summary judgment for the amount owing, interest, and lawyer fees. I don't work for that client anymore.
5. Not So Crazy Cat Lady
I had to prosecute a woman in the Tampa Bay area because she had received a citation for not having her cat on a leash while it was outdoors. The poor old lady brought in pictures of her outdoor cat to show how cute it was. I'm not even fully convinced she owned the cat as all she did to "care" for it was put some food and water outside by her shed.
At that point, I was fully convinced of two things. The first being that my civic duty had been more than satisfied by imposing a fine upon this poor old woman. Also, Florida was not the place for me as everyone in the courtroom actually seemed to think getting a fine from this woman was just and worth the taxpayer time spent to achieve the same. Florida is an interesting place.
6. Lettuce Move On
I’m a public defender and did a short stint doing juvenile cases. My best one was a kid was taken in for battery because he threw a tomato slice at his mother. Our defense was self-defense. The mom made him a sandwich, and he whined because he didn't like tomato. His mother then threatened to slam his face in the sandwich if he didn't eat it.
Kid picked up the tomato slice with his finger and proceeded to fling it at his mom. The state tried to argue the mother was exercising corporal punishment, but we countered by saying slamming his face into a sandwich is beyond the scope of corporal punishment, and could lead to serious bodily injury. Thus it necessitated preemptive self-defense. The judge bought it. Or maybe he thought it was too ridiculous. Who knows? Not guilty is all we cared about.
7. He’s Not The Sharpest Tool In The Shed
I prosecuted a guy for faking one-dollar bills. They were terrible, but I still think he spent more on supplies than he actually produced. They were an extremely light color and the wrong kind of paper. The gas station cashier that he tried to pass them to thought he was kidding. It wouldn’t have been that bad—but then he made things 1,000 times worse.
After his pretrial conference, the judge was showing me the new security system they had installed, and we watched him steal from a car in the parking lot. His public defender was not a happy camper.
8. Rule For Thee, But Not For Me
I had a client show up to a child custody hearing high. When she arrived, she began screaming at the judge and demanding that her "no good addict baby daddy" be tested. I took her in the hallway and told her that if the judge ordered a test for the dad, he would have to order one for her. End of argument.
9. We’re In Uncharted Territory
A guy found a rock in the middle of Melbourne’s central business district that he believed came from an underground volcano. Since he discovered the volcano, he owned it, and the Melbourne city council and indeed the Victorian government should pay him rent to live on top of his underground volcano. No, I did not take on the case.
10. He Was Write
A young man brought his father in. Father's got crushing chest pain, left shoulder, and jaw pain. Pretty much the textbook sign of myocardial infarction. The problem? I am on rural service and have no resources. So I tell them to get him to the hospital. I gave instructions to the driver, and told the son that it was an emergency. The hospital’s 10 minutes away.
I used some store-bought aspirin to stall for time. The son takes his dad home. Clearly, I was making a big fuss. Dad has massive heart failure two hours later. He didn’t make it to the hospital. The staff see my handwriting on a history, and call up demanding to know why I sent the case down so late. We figure out the patient's family just decided to overrule the doctor and go home because old people complain of those symptoms all the time.
Two weeks later, the man shows up at the clinic with law enforcement. He claimed that I didn't diagnose the myocardial infarction. I showed him the records, and the patient's own copy of our records showing them a myocardial infarction. The officers then checked our call logs for an emergency call, and saw that the patient left here at noon, and was brought a kilometer to the hospital three hours later. The son messed up and tried to get me in trouble. He got owned. The moral of this story is this: if you are a medical professional, maintain extremely detailed notes.
11. It’s Raining Toilets
My aunt is a civil suits lawyer, and usually, everything is settled out of court, so she mostly just does paperwork. But she has had a few cases go to trial, and this is one of her absolute favorites—and one of the dumbest suits I have ever heard. A middle-aged woman is shopping in her nearby dollar store. She comes to a wall of hanging toilet seats.
You know, the really nice toilet seats you buy at a dollar store? She is looking at the toilet seats, and proceeds to remove one to further inspect it. Somehow, one of the seats just above the one she removed falls, and hits her in the head. So she obviously goes to the nearest attorneys to sue this store for gross negligence.
She could have been seriously injured by this falling toilet seat! Details come out, and there was already a sign on the toilet seat wall telling customers to ask for assistance before removing anything. Workers' witness testimony say there is very little chance this woman missed the sign. Honestly from the details, it sounded like this woman was just looking for some free cash.
But my aunt's job is to win the case, no matter how stupid or frivolous. Somehow she got a jury to agree the store was at fault. The woman actually won $10,000 dollars. The case and arguments got published in a monthly journal on trials, because it was just so entertaining. And that's the story of why your local Family Dollar has a glass case around the toilet seats.
12. The Defense Rests
My dad was a lawyer in the Navy. One of his first big cases was defending a guy accused of falling asleep at his post during Vietnam. My dad was all psyched, delivering what he thought was well-prepared defense to the judge. The judge interrupted him, telling him to turn around and wake up his client.
13. Receipts Needed
I spent four years giving pro bono advice at a center for people who couldn't afford a lawyer, during which time I had a lot of crazy cases. One that stands out in my mind is a middle-aged lady who wanted to sue a scaffolding company because they had erected scaffolding beside her property while working on the house next door.
She claimed this had enabled a burglar to enter her property and swipe a large number of valuable items from her bedroom. I'm not really sure about the cause of action, but I ask her what was taken. Without batting an eyelid, she regales a list of property including a collection of Gucci handbags, designer pens, sunglasses, and more. It came to a total of over £50,000. Immediately, I knew something was off.
I raise an eyebrow because I'm a finance lawyer, and I couldn't afford that kind of stuff. Also, this is a pro bono center for people who can't afford a lawyer. I ask her what she does for a living and she tells me she's been unemployed for the last 18 years and has been living on benefits in a council flat for that whole time.
I ask her if she has receipts for the property which was taken. Nope. What about bank statements, or even photographs of her with the items? Nope. She claims they were all presents from a friend. I ask her if maybe she could ask the friend for evidence of the purchases. Nope. A mysterious benefactor friend has conveniently just passed. She doesn't seem very upset.
I change tactics, and ask how she knows the person entered her bedroom through the window. She says that he can't have entered through the door because she has three heavy-duty locks on the door. I ask her why. Her reason was seriously twisted. She explains that her son is a dealer and convicted burglar. Also, he and his friends are always taking from her. Awesome.
I calmly explain to her that the center only assists with small claims, which at the time were capped at £5,000. Without a pause, she says in that case she'll just claim the £5,000. Of course, I then explained that, even assuming we could identify a cause of action against the scaffolder, she would have to satisfy the court that she had owned the property taken.
The lack of evidence would make this difficult, quite aside from the whole convicted burglar son point. On that basis, we can't take on the case because we have limited resources. We have to allocate them to the strongest claims. The woman starts screaming at me that I'm slandering her by calling her a liar, I'm a prejudiced pig, she's going to sue and report me to law enforcement, have her son burgle my house, etc.
I just sit there ignoring her. Eventually, she realizes that she's getting nowhere and leaves. I close her file and add her to the list of people who are never to be given an appointment again. Justice is done.
14. Now That’s A Fashion Statement
I used to work out of a courthouse in Virginia where attire was taken very seriously, and the wrong attire was seen as a sign of disrespect toward the court. A guy showed up for his case wearing really baggy jean shorts and an oversized t-shirt. We were in a particularly strict courtroom that day. The Judge's head deputy told this young man he had to leave because he was dressed inappropriately for court.
He didn't cause too much of a fuss, and stepped out into the hallway. His case got called a few minutes later. When the judge asked the attorney why the defendant wasn't standing in front of him, the attorney explained that he had been asked to leave the courtroom because of his baggy pants and an oversized t-shirt. The judge looked really mad.
The attorney tried to save the situation—and it backfired spectacularly. He quickly said: "Your Honor, to be fair, he's in front of you on an indecent exposure charge, so he's dressed a lot better than he was at the time of the offense"! The judge did NOT find this response amusing, but the rest of the courtroom totally cracked up.
15. Just Give Me A Reason
I was on the prosecutor's side when a defendant failed to appear in court. His attorney can't reach him, and nobody knows where he is, so we all sit there for about half an hour. Finally, the judge gets sick of it and moves on with the docket. We found out later that day that the defendant decided to burgle a 7/11 the night before, and was sitting behind bars two counties over when he should've been in court.
16. It’s High Fashion
My law teacher would tell stories about a juvenile court he used to work in one of the more questionable areas of California. They had a real problem with defendants coming in with sagging pants and court officials showing up in beach clothes. The judge finally got so fed up with it that he kept a box of rope for an impromptu belt and a box of neckties behind his desk. He'd begin court proceedings by lobbing ample amounts of both over his stand at anyone he felt was in need of them.
17. An Eye For An Eye
My dad is an emergency room doctor. He had a patent come in with an eye infection. Since he is not an ophthalmologist, he could not diagnose or treat a disease of the eye. He gives the lady some eye drops to help with the pain, and tells her to go see an eye doctor as soon as possible to get the infection actually treated.
He also sent her home with written instructions. Apparently, all that help wasn’t enough. The lady goes home, and never sees the eye doctor. Her infection gets worse. She ends up needing a cornea transplant because she's a freaking idiot. Then she sues my dad for malpractice AND SOMEHOW FREAKING WON. Luckily my dad's malpractice insurance covered it but it was ridiculous.
On top of that, malpractice suits in my state have a time limit to file. Hers was filed right before the time limit expired. Because that's how long it took for her to find a lawyer to take the case.
18. They Went Too Far
I'm a prosecutor, so I don't get hired to represent anyone. I work for the government, but I do have discretion over how the prosecution progresses. I had a case a few months ago where a man was charged with shoplifting. Turned out he was 70 years old, had absolutely no record, and had taken a SANDWICH, which he ate politely in the store.
He honestly thought he had paid for it. I was so angry that he was ever charged in the first place. When I saw him in court, he was absolutely terrified. I withdrew the charges and wished him well. I have no idea how it progressed that far.
19. Here For A Good Time And A Long Time
I had a client get taken in for impaired driving. The officer didn't do a good search, so my guy ended up behind bars with about 30 pills and a gram of white powder. Afraid of being caught with that stuff there, he snorted a few bumps, took some pills, and gave the rest away. The deputies suddenly had two dozen guys tripping balls in the receiving hall.
They do a search and my idiot client still has the baggies in his pocket. He was also so messed up at that point that he licked one of the sheriff's deputies, which got him a battery on an officer charge tacked on.
20. This Kid Is Not My Son
There was a paternity case dealing with the child of a teenager. The DNA results showed that the child was not that of the girl's current boyfriend, but she insisted that he was the only man she’d ever been with. The judge asked her to really think back to the time in question, and consider any times she was with other men in the room.
The new mother explained that well, there was one time she and her friend were with their boyfriends in the same room, but they both used the rubber contraceptive. "What do you mean, they "both used it"? the judge asks. The girl proceeds to explain that they only had one contraceptive at the time, so the friend and her guy do it, then turned the thing inside out for the now-new mom and her guy to use. It was quickly ruled that the baby belonged to the friend's boyfriend.
21. Missing Person Report
I had a client come in saying that he "needed to sue Stu for swiping all his checks". When I asked him if Stu had a last name, he said no. When I asked him if he knew any Stu, he said no. When I asked him what proof he had that Stu was robbing him, he showed me all of his pay stubs. There were clear, monthly deductions by "SCU".
As soon as I saw it, I knew. I asked, "Do you have children"? He said yes. I then told him "Your Stu is the SCU, the Support Collection Unit. They take money out of your check to pay for your child". He left the office insisting that we needed to find Stu.
22. He’s Not The Brightest Crayon In The Box
Someone I went to high school with spent time behind bars. He served his time and got out on probation. He couldn't find a job to pay for his probation and court cost, so he decided to hold up a bank. He walks into the bank, and hands a note to the teller saying he’s sticking up the place and give him money. She does and he leaves.
She flips his note over after he left and makes a hilarious discovery. The piece of paper he used was the backside of his probation papers with his address and info all over it. He was behind bars shortly thereafter.
23. Now That’s A Plot Twist
I was a civil rights investigator. We had one guy complain that he was fired from his factory job because of his race. The owner of the factory said it was because the guy was doing crack on his lunch break. Turns out, he was doing crack on his lunch break, but so were a few of his white co-workers and they were not fired. The owner agreed to pay the guy six months of back pay and give him a neutral reference.
24. She Was Not Feline Good
I worked as a receptionist at a small personal injury firm and was the first line of defense against the more outlandish cases. One of the most memorable calls I took involved a woman wanting to sue her cat's veterinarian for malpractice. Her story was truly ridiculous. Her cat scratched her, which in turn supposedly caused her liver to fail and a slew of other health problems to arise.
She believed the vet was at fault because she was convinced the cat was carrying some obscure disease and the vet had failed to catch it. It was my second day on the job, so I put her through to an attorney, not yet knowing what else to do with such a ridiculous situation. She got a firm "Sorry, can't help ya" from our office, in part because we did not do malpractice, veterinary or otherwise, but also because she sounded like a one-way ticket to Crazy Town.
25. Swiper, No Swiping!
My mother said that at a firm she used to work at many years ago, they had received a call from a gentleman that wanted to file a lawsuit against Walt Disney. When asked why he was filing suit, he claimed that the Disney characters were coming out of the TV, and swiping food from his refrigerator. They told him they'd take the case for an advance fee of $100K and never heard back from him.
26. Stupid Salad
A client wanted to sue because there were no strawberries in her fruit salad that she bought from a supermarket. Thankfully, a secretary was able to screen the call. She asked if the package said it had strawberries. The response was, "No, but I thought it would have". I don't know how these people manage to make it through life.
27. The Crazy Cat Lady
I am a personal injury lawyer in the UK. I took a call from a potential client that had fallen down the stairs in her own home. She had tripped over her own cat. She told me that she wanted to sue her local authority as her home was owned by the council and she was not allowed to keep pets as part of her lease. She claimed that when the house was inspected she was not told to get rid of the cat. It was therefore the council's fault that she fell down the stairs. We didn't take the case on.
28. It Was A Package Deal
I'm in immigration, so most of my "stupid" cases involve people trying to game the system or "forgot" to tell us material information. One lady stood out. She was referred to us as a pro bono case. She was filing for asylum based on the fact that she's a Chinese national and she's also a devout Christian. If she was sent back, she would be discriminated against based on religious reasons. So nothing weird up to this point.
She provided me with statements about how she and her family were harassed by local law enforcement and how certain members of her congregation were behind bars. So I'm looking at the statements and the names and places sound familiar. That’s when I made a disturbing realization. Sure enough, a quick Googling showed this was one of the "bought" stories. Essentially what happens is there are people on the internet that sells these packages of fake documents and stories for a successful asylum case.
From what I've heard, it usually is a real case that was successful, and someone got a hold of the supporting documents, started mass-producing, and selling them. You’re supposed to change the names from the original, but this lady didn't. Another red flag was the fact that in her supporting documents, the witnesses kept referring to her in the male form. I always thought it was more of an urban legend amongst immigration lawyers. Needless to say, I did not take her case…
29. Now That’s Dedication
The guy clearly had some really awful mental illness. He had decided one evening that a good way to get some money would be to break into a butcher shop and use a meat saw to cut all his fingers and both thumbs off at the knuckles, which is pretty much exactly what he did.
He was found the next morning, somehow having survived. He was put in a mental health facility and made a pretty much full, albeit fingerless, recovery. Then, he wanted to sue someone. He didn't really know who he wanted to sue, he had just got it into his head that if he was injured, he would get compensation. I remember his biggest question was whether he would get more money if he went back and cut off his feet too.
30. Now That’s Catty
My dad is an in-house lawyer for a major American insurance company. He spent an entire year trying to help deny insurance benefits for a painter who had stepped off his ladder onto a cat, fallen down the stairs, and become paralyzed. The insurance company’s argument was seriously deranged. They claimed that a cat was a commonly expected occupational hazard for a painter, and that he was negligent in not checking for cats before stepping down.
A whole year of his life. Over whether a cat is a known occupational hazard of house painting.
31. Haunted By The Past
I was once put behind bars for having some grotty old semi-crushed-up tablets for fever and pain at the bottom of my handbag at a concert. I was searched by officers for looking suspicious.. They swore it was four tablets of ecstasy, and charged me. This is the only time I've ever been behind bars or charged with anything.
Obviously, the charges were later dropped. But of course, I went into law, and then education. Both are professions where past history comes up in the checking and licensing process. I've been explaining that "no really, it was just paracetamol" to employers for over 20 freaking years. I also missed the band, which was Nine Inch Nails on the Downward Spiral tour.
32. I Know A Guy
I had heard about this guy before I had actually met him. I thought this was an urban legend, until he came into my office one day. A guy in his late 50s or early 60s comes into the lobby area of my office, and starts a commotion that freaks out the receptionist. I was the closest attorney to the lobby, so I go out and talk to the guy.
He was clearly mentally disturbed and presented the following story: someone had implanted a device in his brain that was controlling his behavior. He believed it was being controlled by Baskin Robbins, and a former mayor of Detroit. He believed they were forcing him to do random things like going to establishments to drink, taking the wrong turn when driving, forcing him to retire from his job, and a lot of very other intricate things.
After asking him if he had seen any doctors regarding the "implant," he got really upset and said that he thought the doctors were in on it as well. After telling him I couldn't help him and suggesting that he find some new doctors, he asked me if I knew any lawyers who specialized in his kind of case. I often wonder if the lawyer I referred him to, a guy I hated, was able to help him.
33. There’s No Cure For Stupid
This idiot is visiting friends in the countryside, gets inebriated, and decides to wander across the street to the driveway of a farm. He ignores the multiple signs that say "no trespassing" & "beware dog" in both English and Spanish. He gets to the end of the driveway, and there's a large dog chained to a post in the front yard barking its head off at him.
The farmer comes out, and tells the idiot to stay away from the dog, Idiot says that he's "good with dogs," and tries to pet the dog. Dog takes off his finger and the idiot drops his bottle as he runs back the way he came. The owner tries to save the finger for reattachment, but the guy disappears. So the farmer turns everything over to the officers.
Shortly thereafter, we denied the idiot's claim, and he lawyers up. Every time he lawyered up, we'd send the documents to the lawyer, who would review, and then drop the case. It happened multiple times. The idiot insisted we needed to pay for his emotional suffering.
34. Winner Winner Chicken Dinner
I represented a guy who asked Chick-fil-a if they would donate anything as a giveaway for a car show he was running. They agree, and hand him 300 free chicken sandwich coupons—but there was something that they didn’t know.
There was no car show. The guy just convinced them there was and pocketed all the coupons. This is theft by deception. Chick-fil-a is theoretically out like four dollars per sandwich. They don’t sue, they just tell law enforcement, and they take care of the rest.
35. I Now Pronounce You Boyfriend And Girlfriend
My friend and his girlfriend filed for divorce a few weeks ago. That's right. They aren't married, and common law doesn't apply in Washington state. They lived together for five years. She has a job. She isn't on the mortgage. And she left him a few months ago. There are no kids involved. They were never engaged. In the "divorce" she wants him to leave his house, and she wants to move back in.
She wants him to pay her $2,800 a month for some reason. I referred him to my divorce attorney, and now that attorney is probably going to represent him. The chick is nuts. She has already tried to get a restraining order against him that was dismissed.
36. I Told You So
A woman wanted to sue Walmart because they called law enforcement, who then took her for disorderly conduct because she got into a physical altercation with an employee. While doing her intake, I made a list titled "Why We Shouldn't Take This Case". One of the points was that she had a history of suing her former attorneys.
My crazy boss forced me to take the case—and her retainer—anyway. I wrote a memo explaining why she had no viable case, hoping she'd at least get some closure out of it. She didn't—and the worst was yet to come.
To no one's surprise, she sued me. I got it dismissed in about five minutes, but I still had to show up in small claims court over some pointless nonsense I didn't want to do in the first place.
37. I Told You It Was Hogwash
I was working on intake for my firm. One day, a lady calls up and says I have a great case. She told me that a few months ago, she had gone in for back surgery and things went terribly wrong. At this point, I'm thinking it's some kind of medical malpractice. Then, she tells me while she was under, President Obama snuck in the room and put pig skin into her.
The pig skin is still inside her and making her sick. I went to the partner and told him I have a great case. The bad news is that the defendant has civil immunity for at least the next three years. I was then told to go back to work. We did not take the case.
38. Required Reading
I once dealt with a guy who wanted me to take on his road traffic accident private insurance claim. He had written a poem, in Yoruba, about the accident. He refused to tell me anything about his case until he's read the whole thing, in Yoruba. Among other problems, I can't speak any freaking Yoruba. As in, not one word. As in, that day was the first time I had ever heard of the Yoruba language.
I'm not even from a part of the world where I might readily be mistaken for someone who speaks Yoruba. It's a West African language, and I am really, really obviously not from a West African background. I try to explain this to the guy, who becomes very agitated, and insists that he must read out his poem in Yoruba. I give up and tell him to get on with it so we can talk about his claim.
He does. It takes him nearly 20 minutes to finish—but my nightmare wasn’t over yet. After he's done, he finishes and sits back with a big smile, and says that he's certain I'll take his case on now. I begin to ask him some questions about his case, but he refuses to answer. He says that this poem in Yoruba is everything I need to know about his case. Basically, I tell him to go away, and stop wasting my time.
He does, but not before standing around outside my office for an hour or so, reading out his poem, to no one in particular, over and over again. In Yoruba.
39. Pro Tip
I face one annoying issue with my clients almost every single day. They pay me thousands in retainer and then refuse to do even minuscule things to further their case. It would amaze you the number of times people have complained about their billing but have paid me hundreds of dollars an hour to fill out simple forms for them simply because they are unwilling to do it.
They aren’t willing to just go through credit card or bank statements to list the account numbers on a divorce property statement. Or even things like simple name, address, and social security forms I have to call and conference with them and go through each blank on the form because they simply won't do it, and return it in a timely manner.
In more involved divorces, this can cost them thousands when all they need to do is sit down and list their assets and liabilities. You hire an attorney to do the specialized work. You can save yourself a TON of money by taking care of everything that doesn't require their expertise on your own.
40. Out Of This World
I hand out a lot of business cards, so they inevitably end up in the hands of some...questionable people. Eventually, they found their way into the hands of Mr. Bob, a very unique fellow. He approached me inquiring about suing the federal government, the Department of Defense, the Department of Homeland Security, the Secretary of State, the entirety of Congress, and the President.
This obviously put me on guard due to the ridiculousness of his request, but instead of throwing him out the door, I decided to ask why he wanted to sue the aforementioned parties. He replied that the government had taken him, and performed all sorts of painful experiments on him. He claimed that the government was working with the Reptilians to pursue some generic evil plot against humanity as a whole.
He claimed that the only reason he managed to escape was that there was a Reptilian double agent who managed to spring him from his cell, and after laying low for a few years, he came to me for help. At that point, I was done with this conversation. I asked him to wait out in the lobby while I called local law enforcement to make sure this guy hadn't escaped from behind bars or some insane asylum. He hadn't.
So I came up with a plan. After I got off the phone, I went back over to Mr. Bob and told him that if the government officials were working under the Reptilians, then that meant they would have revoked their American citizenship, and thus were only subject to intergalactic law. Since I only specialize in the American law practice, I couldn't help him. He seemed really disappointed, but he left without making any fuss. Yeah, that was both the best and worst day of my career.
41. Bye CSI
The case was pretty cut and dry. Guy held up a bank at gunpoint, the teller gave him the money in a bank bag, and pressed the silent alarm. Officers show up quickly and she gives a description of the guy. They are able to catch him not far away. He dropped the bank bag in the pursuit, so they had that against him. Never found the weapon, but the teller positively IDs him.
The case is presented in court, and the jury goes back to deliberate. It should have taken a very short time, the prosecutor figures, but winds up being forever. They finally come out and give a guilty verdict. The prosecutor later finds out that the jury deliberation was held up by a single woman—and the story was seriously ridiculous. She must have seen too much television because she wouldn't shut up about wanting to see the gun as proof.
The rest of the jury was ready to vote guilty, but she just would not shut up, "Where is it? I want to see it! He isn't guilty if they don't find it anywh-" Then one of the other female jurors shut her up, by saying "LISTEN YOU IDIOT. You want to know where it is? He hid it, so that when you release him on this idiotic pretense, HE CAN COME AND BURGLE YOU TOO"! The woman quickly shut up and they all voted in favor of guilty.
42. When Sharing Isn’t Caring
The case had gone on for years. The client was badly injured in a car accident and was about to win millions. Then, she made a fatal error. She posted a Facebook status about exercising or hiking or doing something else very active that she shouldn’t have physically been able to do with her injuries. That negated the entire case. She had to settle for $100,000. Years of work down the drain in one Facebook status.
43. Expect The Unexpected
I watched this case while I clerked for a Judge. A crackhead injured his crackhead friend in a dispute about the latter taking more than his fair share. The hurt guy’s girlfriend drives him to the emergency department, but she has warrants, so she literally pushes him out of the car, and speeds off. He only got hurt in the arm, so the hospital had him patched up in no time. He told the officers the whole story while still on that good hospital medicine.
Flash forward to trial: the men are friends again. The guy who is injured has written a letter, in the most shockingly beautiful cursive stating: "I verily swear, that Bob did not shoot me. I don't know who did. Thank you". He also recorded a terrible cell phone video where he "verily swears". Even the guy's defense attorney was convinced the letters were actually more incriminating than the confession.
They didn't even ask their own client questions on the stand, they just allowed him to testify. Which is the ethical way attorneys balance their client's right to testify without supporting perjury. But wouldn't you know it, the jury found him not guilty! Everyone including the perpetrator was visibly shocked. He got to go home scot-free. When the jury was questioned they insisted the other guy "verily swore"! Juries. You never know.
44. I Trusted You
I’ve been a lawyer for 12 years. My client was charged with taking a mobile toilet but told he hadn’t done it. After we won, he told me his dark secret. He said not only did he take it, he still owns it. He has the thing in his backyard because he was so lazy. There was a construction site near his office, and his work was without a toilet. So he had to walk 200 meters (656 feet), and a handful of stairs.
It was too much for him, so he took the mobile toilet. I forced him to deliver it back at night. I’m still offended that he lied to me the whole time.
45. They Messed Around And Found Out
My grandparents sold their house. Right on closing day, the buyers called them up and told them they were withholding $30,000 from the sale price because my grandparents had left holes in the walls from paintings, removed trees and plants from the backyard, and removed an entertainment unit, which was specifically listed as not included in the sale documents.
They literally squandered six months of our lives defending ourselves, gave my grandma an ulcer from the stress, and they lost in the end. They were forced to pay for pain and suffering. They literally had zero ground to stand on. We think that they were assuming that most people couldn't afford to be out $25,000 and potential court fees when they had just bought a new home, but my grandparents were downsizing and not in the mood to be messed with.
My grandpa defended himself. Man oh man, he is super scary to be questioned by as a grandfather, let alone on a witness stand. The wife of the buying couple almost cried when questioned by him. The judge later complimented his abilities! The neighbor testified that no plants had been taken—and that the buyers had tried to coerce him into not testifying.
The holes in the walls were tiny as ants and to be expected. The wall unit stuff was just the craziest, being that it was literally listed in the sale as not included. The sad thing is my grandma literally cleaned the house spotless even though she already has a house clean enough to eat off the floors. She even left them a welcome gift basket. They're such nice people, and two jerks decided they could be easily messed with.
46. Too Little, Too Late
I sat on the jury for this one: a woman, despondent that her husband left her, calls him to announce that she's doing to take her own life by taking too many pills. The husband calls EMS, races to her apartment, arrives with the paramedics. They see that the woman is fine. She says she didn't take any pills, she just wanted her husband back.
She turns down an offer to go to the hospital. EMS leaves. Husband stays. A few minutes later, the woman goes into convulsions. That’s when the twisted truth came out. She had taken the pills, but when the husband arrived with EMS, she just wanted to be alone with him, so she lied to EMS to get them to leave. The husband calls EMS again. They arrive. The woman doesn’t make it.
The woman's extended family, not the husband, sues the city for not taking her to the hospital. This sounds like a case that shouldn't even have made it to trial. But the city attorney was so incompetent, and the family's attorney was so good that just before the jury was to deliberate, the city made an offer which the family accepted.
47. Sharing Isn’t Caring
A lawyer friend had a client who went on a double date with his friend. He and his friend decided it would be a good idea to go to fourth base with their respective dates in his van. The problem is, they had only one rubber. They decided to share it. After one finished, the other proceeded to invert the dirty rubber and do it with his girl. The girl got pregnant by his friend. The result: a very messy paternity suit.
48. It Just Didn’t Make Cents
My client was an accountant for a good size company. During the recession, she was laid off and filed for unemployment, where claimed she made $200,000. Her real salary was $60,000. The company received the unemployment claim, investigated it, and found out she’d embezzled millions from them.
49. For Goodness Sake
I never did much criminal defense, but one day Dennis came into my office. He had a drinking and driving charge and an Aggravated Unlicensed Operation of a Motor Vehicle charge. Both are misdemeanors. Dennis swore up, down, and sideways that he does not drink, he never drove the vehicle, and that he has a valid driver's license.
I give Dennis the names of some local defense attorneys, and suggest he try them out. Dennis refuses, saying I'm the lawyer he wants. I didn’t realize what a mistake I was making. In hindsight, I should have realized that he probably had already gone to these other attorneys and only came to me after they refused to take his case. I charge the guy $200 for an intake and record review fee.
I contact the local court, law enforcement station, and district attorney's office for information and paperwork. I find out that not only did this guy get a .18 on the breathalyzer, but the officers did a blood test on him after he kept insisting he wasn't inebriated. The blood test came back with a .22 BAC. As for driving, the separate squad cars witnessed Dennis's vehicle run over a mailbox and drive off; he was followed and pulled over on the block.
Per the officer’s report, Dennis was the only person in the car, and was in the driver's seat with a seat belt on. Oh, and I tracked down his license through the DMV and it had expired three years ago, and was suspended for two years prior to that. I called Dennis back into my office and told him he did not have a case that should be taken to trial.
Dennis admitted that he probably had been inebriated, but he wasn't aware he had been drinking. His son must have put booze in his green tea. He didn't realize there was anything in his green tea because he was eating red hot cinnamon candies and had a cold. Anyways, Dennis retains me, but only after I put a clause in his engagement agreement stating I explained his low chance at trial, and he understood there was no guarantee of a win.
I take the case to trial and, of course, we lose. I was hoping to convince Dennis to take one of the plea offers given to us in advance, but absolutely not. Dennis was sure the judge would understand. Dennis wanted a bench trial, not a jury trial. I made him sign another document that said he understood the difference between a bench and jury trial.
He would be found not guilty and everyone would move on. He was sorely disappointed, but only got probation after trial—I think the judge was taking pity on me more than Dennis. He later sued me for his retainer because I didn't adequately defend him. As proof of my inadequate representation, he offered the judge's verdict rendering him guilty. The case was thrown out quickly.
50. Always Treat People With Kindness
I was working in a firm, and got a call from reception advising that someone had arrived needing some intellectual property advice. I arrived at reception to find a clearly disturbed woman with a persistent facial twitch, and a small wheeled suitcase. I took her to a conference room to discuss, making sure I kept a good line of sight to reception.
She put the suitcase on the table, and opened it to reveal a stack of thousands of handwritten pages and one half of a pair of scissors. She explained that she had written a manuscript about how the city council gave her schizophrenia and hepatitis, aliens took her pets, and that it was all part of a bigger conspiracy involving the army and the Illuminati.
She was worried that our local newspaper was going to swipe her thoughts and publish her manuscript without her consent, and wanted to register the copyright in her manuscript. We then had a perfectly rational and reasonable discussion about copyright laws. I explained that in our jurisdiction she didn't need to register it and that she had rights as an author automatically on creation of the work.
I told her the most useful thing she could do is ensure she had evidence of her creative work, and that she should send a digital copy to herself and a friend, and also leave a copy with a friend. That way if it was published without her consent, she could prove it was her work. We spoke for nearly an hour, she thanked me and then left. She got free advice, and I didn't get pierced with a scissor. I hope she found the help she needs.
51. Sharing Is Caring
During a divorce, the ex-husband claimed that he didn't make much or any money and wasn't able to pay the child support we were asking him to pay. A few hours after receiving this information, he posts a picture on his public Facebook of a roll of cash talking about how "ballin" he was. Needless to say, his claim didn't hold up after that.
52. He Played Himself
I worked for the Public Defenders office and met a client for a line-up that he adamantly demanded regarding a wrongdoing with multiple witnesses. I met the client for the first time in a separate room to let him know how it would go down and what to expect. This is the kind of line-up you traditionally see on television, where there are a number of similar-looking people standing shoulder to shoulder in front of mirrored glass. They pull the people for the line-up from the inmate population.
I walk in to meet the client, and I can’t believe my eyes. He has a lump on his left lower eyelid the size of a golf ball. It was the most identifiable mark on a human's face I have ever seen. He still demanded the line-up and was identified instantly by every single witness without a shred of doubt in their mind. He still demanded a trial, and the lump was gone by the time the trial commenced.
53. The Show Is About To Begin
I was arguing for my client to be released on his own. The judge asks him where he is going to live. "With my fiancée," he says. He spins a lovely tale about how wonderful his fiancée is, how supportive, did he mention they are having a baby, and he wants to get out and take care of his soon-to-be wife and kid to support them properly. The judge asks the courtroom, "Could Defendant's fiancée please approach the bench"?
From opposite sides of the room, two women stand up and start walking to the front. That’s when I realized what was happening. One is about four months pregnant, and the other is nearly nine months pregnant. They are looking at each other with identical expressions of "who the heck are you"? You could see the exact moment when each of them realized, "That woman is with my man".
The brawl started before they even got to the counsel's table. Pregnancy or not, these chicks were seriously trying to end one another. The bailiffs had to stop laughing long enough to break up the brawl. My client says, "your Honor, I didn't think they'd both come". The judge said he was denying bail for my client's own protection.
54. There’s A Time And A Place
My Dad was suing a customer for nonpayment. The judge ruled in his favor for the whole $15,000. The guy he was suing got up to leave, but walked over to my Dad, and said "If you think you are going to see a dime of that money you are a freaking moron. I will kill you first. " He then walked away—but there was something that he didn’t realize.
For a second my Dad was worried the guy would get away with it, but he didn't worry much because the guy had said it loud enough for the bailiff and the judge to hear. He did not make it out of the courtroom.
55. Life’s Not Fair
I was in a collision thanks to this 65-year-old lady who was obviously inebriated and high. I was 18 at the time, and lost my opportunity to attend the Citadel in South Carolina due to my lack of physical ability. My boyfriend at the time cracked vertebrae, and a friend of mine lost his legs. The officers knew her husband who was a firefighter, so they didn't breathalyze or do any tests, and didn’t charge her with drinking and driving.
My EMTs said "That lady is so inebriated, she’s going to buy you a ticket to Disney World," which is how I knew that she was impaired at the time of the accident. But I had no proof to bring to the table in the lawsuit because if the officer did not charge or make notes, then you cannot add it later. So we get to MY deposition and she shows up.
She argues with me the entire time over my points, and her lawyer keeps having to tell her that she needs to be quiet. This lady had ruined our lives, so I was becoming less than patient with her calling me a liar when she got off scot-free. She exclaims to my lawyer "Even the officer’s report is wrong"! He asks, "What do you mean it’s wrong"? She was about to make a fatal mistake.
She says, "It has me coming from the wrong place"! My lawyer asks "Where were you coming from"? She tells him, "My friend's bar"! She later admits she doesn’t know how many drinks they had, because "They don't charge me they just keep refilling my glass". She admitted that she was drinking and driving when she could have gotten off scot-free. Cue her lawyer's facepalm, as this is all on tape. She didn't even pay out of pocket, her insurance company did. She ended up ending someone’s life a year later in another accident.
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