Having a routine makes life easier, plain and simple. Things becomes second nature like grabbing a coffee from the same shop at the same time in the morning and reaching for the soap without looking in the shower. But when we rely on habits too much, things can get messy. From accidentally throwing your phone in the trash to blurting out incomplete thoughts, these face palm moments will have you rolling in laughter.
1. All Good Things Come to an End
I woke up without an alarm, had breakfast, took a bath, and drove half hour to my work feeling great. I even thought to myself on the way, "Lucky me, the traffic is very nice today." Just when I arrived, the security greeted me with the worst words possible: "Good morning, sir, working even over the holiday?" I drove all the way home and had a nap.
2. Got Me Bobbing
I washed an apple at the sink, dried it with a paper towel, turned, tossed the apple in the trash, and stood there holding the paper towel like a dummy.
3. Rub a Duh, Duh
When I was six or seven years old, I was getting ready for a bath. My parents had already filled the tub with water and bubble bath mix, and all I had to do was take off my clothes and put them in the basket of dirty laundry. I took everything off and promptly threw it all in the soapy tub, instead of the hamper. I stood there and just stared at what I had done for a solid thirty seconds.
4. Can’t Forget to Say Bye
I had to take a bus to work every day at about 4 AM. My wife usually drove me to the stop so that I didn't have to leave my car there for 14 hours. My wife's friend was staying with us while she looked for a job and house in the area. She was getting up early anyways, so she decided she’d take me and let my wife sleep.
When we got to the stop, I just instinctively leaned over and kissed her goodbye. Then I felt this jolt of panic as I realized what I had done. My poor wife's friend had a dumbfounded look on her face, and I instantly turned red as I apologized profusely and said "Sorry, it was a habit." My wife poked fun at me for days for putting the moves on her friend.
5. Just Grazing By
When my daughter was very young, she loved trains. So, I'd take her on short train rides whenever I could. She couldn't get enough. Part of the routine was that, when we were on the train, we'd look out the windows and I'd point out the animals to her. I got some weird British alarmed looks that time I pointed out of the window and loudly said, "Look! Moo cows!" when I was on the train by myself.
6. Going Off Script
I used to work for Comcast in their call center. I worked 3 PM-12 AM, so the only thing that was open when I would finish work was McDonald's. During the holidays, there’s unlimited overtime. I, being 19 and having no obligations at the time, decided to work non-stop until I fell down at my desk. One year, I worked three days straight.
I took my mandatory breaks every couple of hours and napped in the lunch room here and there. Finally, I decided I'd had enough at around 2 AM one morning. I stopped at the McDonald's drive thru because I wanted something hot to eat. Up to this point, I had subsisted on mints and packs of crackers from a vending machine.
The conversation at the window went something like this, “go ahead and order when you're ready,” the lady told me. I went, “Thanks for calling Comcast, home of the triple play. My name is so-and-so, how can I assist you today?” Then there was a very long, awkward pause. I ended up sleeping in the parking lot of that McDonalds.
I spent about the next 12 hours in my car. The manager eventually knocked on my window and asked me if I was homeless and if I needed to come in and warm up.
7. Not My Stop
I’m an ex-bus driver, and many times on my way home from work, I would go to pull into a bus stop in my car...
l8. Not Even Close
I was meeting my brother's in-laws for the first time. They asked me what my name was. I said, "Pete." My name is Tiffani.
9. Not the Sharpest
I was working the backline at an Arby's WAY back in the day. We used to get our sub buns by the foot, but all the subs we sold were six inches. One day, when I was really tired, I literally reached into the bag, grabbed a sub roll, cut it in half, then put the knife back in the bag, and tried to cut another sandwich with the sub bun. The manager laughed.
10. Is This How You Do It
I was signing for a parcel on one of those electronic machine things that delivery drivers use. On this particular day, I wasn't paying any attention and ended up staring at the screen, zoning out for a full minute, then instead of signing my name, I just drew a straight line on the screen and handing it back. The mailman was very confused.
11. What Comes Out Must Go In
I was woken up at 3:30 in the morning for a random substance test for baseball last semester. After I peed in the cup, I was so tired and on such intense autopilot that I did something disgusting. I mindlessly drank my own pee cup. I don't know why, but I did it. Luckily, I was so tired that I didn't register the taste, and there was still enough in the cup to test.
12. Need for Safety
I went to the cinema to watch the new James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace. I was running a little late so I missed the previews and walked in to find that the movie had already begun. There was a furious car chase on screen when I arrived. After I found a seat and sat down, I instinctively tried to find my seatbelt so I could buckle up.
13. Making It Fit
I poured milk into my baby's bottle then, since it was, like, four in the morning, I tried to hear the full milk carton in the microwave, instead of the bottle. The carton was way too big but instead of realizing I had the wrong thing, I just got angry that it wasn't fitting. I only stopped trying because my husband was there watching and he start laughing.
14. Missing in Action
I was looking all over my house for my keys. Like, flipping over furniture, full-on panic hunting for these keys. Finally thought that I might have left them in the car. So I went outside, and realized that my car was locked. Purely out of habit, I automatically pulled my keys out of my pocket, unlocked the door, opened the door, and realized that I was a complete idiot.
15. Catching Up
I’m always running to catch the subway after waiting at the crosswalk in front of the station. Once, I was casually walking with my friend in the same area and then started running when the cross sign lit up. He had no idea what was happening.
16. I’m Home!
I drove home from Phoenix to Prescott. I got all the way to my old driveway before remembering that I had moved to Flagstaff about a month prior.
17. Everything Has Its Place
I tried to put the cat into the tool drawer and then almost put the poor thing into the fridge 30 seconds later.
18. Something’s Not Working
I stopped at a stop sign and waited at least a minute and a half for it to turn green.
19. Just Gonna Take That
I went to the grocery store, packed everything in my backpack at the self check-out, and went home. As soon as I got home, I remembered that I never actually paid. When I made the realization that I hadn’t paid, I went back, swiped my card at the self check-out, and ended my transaction. Nobody had even noticed it happened.
20. Habits of an Old Man
I've worked as a caregiver for adults with mental and physical disabilities for over a decade. I do basic care helping adult men do daily activities like shaving, buttoning shirts, and so on. On a date, I was a bit buzzed, so I started to fix my date's shirt and told him he needed to look in the mirror to see if he wanted a shave.
21. I Know What That Means
I work on a train. On the railroad, you can get verbal permission to pass a red signal or flag either from the dispatcher or the employee who’d put the red flag there. You cannot under any circumstances pass a blue light or flag because that protects employees working on/under/between rolling stock beyond the blue signal from any danger.
Driving home in the car late one night, I decided to take a shortcut through the local university. I went around a corner and saw a blue light marking a call station. My immediate conclusion was, “Shoot, can’t go that way.”
22. Practicing Healthy Habits
I work with preschoolers, and we sing songs to help them wash their hands. I started singing the same song when I went out with some friends to a bar and needed to go to the bathroom. The other lady in the restroom gave me the weirdest look...
23. Looks Right to Me
I was getting my car out of the parking lot and heading back home after a long day. Shortly after I started driving, I passed by a car that was identical to mine and thought, "Cool, I found my car." Nope. I was so wrong. I got out my car (which I had already found) and went to get into a stranger's car, thinking I'd discovered my own vehicle. Halfway through, I realized what I was doing and looked around hoping nobody saw.
24. Day Droning
I was sitting in math class one day, and I was just humming to myself while the teacher was explaining something on the board. She went to turn off the projector, which was beside my desk. Then, still standing next to me, she gave me this strange look and asked me, "Is something wrong?" I had been very deep in thought.
So much so, that I had lost the tune but kept humming, so I was now just humming a long, low "hmm" without any change in pitch. So, yeah, that was embarrassing.
25. Slack Jaws
Sometimes in the shower, I fill my mouth with water, and just let it pour out. One day, before work, I was brushing my teeth and standing in the bathroom fully dressed in my work clothes. But my brain thought I was in the shower, so I just let the toothpaste pour slowly out of my mouth and onto my outfit. Now my boyfriend warns me not to "drool toothpaste" all over myself.
26. Been Here, Done That
I lived in the same house for 16 years before I moved. Years later, I did a bit of summer work as a construction worker on the house where I used to live. When I came in the first day, it was like traveling back in time. I mindlessly did what I always did when I lived there. I waltzed into the kitchen during the family’s breakfast, opened the fridge, and looked for something to eat.
I came to myself and looked up. The family was staring at me with their jaws dropped. Like, the breakfast table forks were paused in mid-air at this unknown construction worker making himself right at home. I was so embarrassed. I backed out stammering the whole time and trying to have them understand, “I used to live here.” I was not allowed inside again.
27. Worn Out
I went to the doctor's office, took off my sweater for a flu shot, and realized my t-shirt was on inside out. I got home, took off my t-shirt, and realized my bra was inside out.
28. Which Is Which
I work with both a phone and radio at work and have answered my phone with, "base, go ahead," and my radio with, "Lincoln county Transit." I have also had my radio go off and picked up my to-go cup of coffee and used it to try and respond. I use a straw with my coffee, and in my half-awake mind, I thought it was the antenna.
29. Losing the Scruff
I started to trim my beard and didn't see that the guard was off. A huge swath of beard was gone in one swipe. My two-year-old still refers to me during the beardless months as "Creepy Daddy." I am not allowed to shave it off again.
30. Excels in Observation
I have two kids and am in the habit of pointing out things I think they’ll like such as rainbows, the moon, nice dogs, and stuff like that. One day at work, I turned to a young male childless colleague and said, “Oh, look over there, a kitty cat!!” He gave me a weird look and stopped making small talk with me after that.
31. Two Strikes Against
I put my phone under the faucet to fill up my water bottle. I recognized my mistake. And then I did it again.
32. What Are You Yelling About?
I work as a housekeeper, and when we knock on doors, we yell, “Housekeeping,” and when we throw laundry down the chute, we yell, “Heads,” for those below to mind their heads. One day, I knocked on a door and loudly yelled, “Heads!” Later that day, the back of my mind remembered my mistake and made sure to “Correct it.” Unfortunately, I underestimated my own stupidity.
I over-corrected by stupidly yelling, “Housekeeping!" down the laundry chute.
33. I Meant to Do That
Once, I ate pizza at a friend's house and, out of habit, threw the crust on the floor for the dog. Those friends didn't have a dog.
34. Can’t Forget to Mention
"Here you go, if you need anything else, just let me know,” I said as I graciously put down the plate with food I cooked for the only person in the room. Me.
35. Dude, Where’s My Car?
I got my license at age 25 after moving from the city to a tiny town. I was so used to walking everywhere that one day I drove somewhere, forgot I’d driven, and walked back to work. I finished work and thought, “Oh, my car’s not there, must have walked in today,” so I walked home. I got home, and the car was not there.
So, I thought, “Oh, must’ve left it at mom’s,” but it wasn’t there, nor was it at the shops or the pool. I was too embarrassed to ask anyone if they had seen it and had absolutely no idea where I’d left it, so I just kept walking everywhere for three or four days. Eventually, my housemate saw it and asked if I was ever picking it up.
36. Changing Behaviors
I've been working with children for seven years. When I'm really distracted, I go into teacher mode. If I'm traveling with people, I'll count them on and off public transport, offer everyone water and snacks if I have them, and tell complete strangers to "use your walking feet/inside voice" if they're running or shouting.
37. Why Did You Do That?
I was talking to my boyfriend while he was eating a sandwich. Mid-sentence, he ripped a piece off and threw it at my face. He looked stunned when I didn't open my mouth and catch it. We have a dog who begs for food at the table all the time. When we realized that my boyfriend had accidentally forgotten I was a human woman and not a dog, we both nearly peed laughing.
38. I Guess I’m Up Now
I woke up, automatically got out of bed, got dressed, brushed my teeth, packed up my backpack, headed out of my dorm, and happened to glance at the clock in the lounge. Then the other shoe dropped. It was 1:30 AM.
39. Thrown to the Wolves
My dog's favorite part of the day is dinner time. I pull out her food and get a scoop of kibble; she starts wagging and doing the tippy-taps. One day, instead of going to her bowl, I dumped the full scoop into the trash can. She just looked at me with the saddest eyes. I felt so terrible, so she got extra food and pets.
40. Power Up
At the gym, there is an arm curl machine. Typically, I do a heavy amount, but that day I was tired and pretty brain fried. As I used the machine, I didn’t realize that there was no weight on it, and I tried curling it with effort as normal. I ended up slamming myself in the head with the bar. Everybody in the building saw.
41. No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service
For this to make sense, you need to know that I always take my shirt off after my shoes when I get undressed. So, there I was at around 4:30 in the morning heading through security to fly across the country for a festival. I was nowhere close to awake and running on autopilot. I was throwing my stuff on the conveyor, taking my shoes off, and then automatically started to take my shirt off.
The very attractive TSA lady was like, "Slow down, sir, we just met." I didn't know they came with a sense of humor.
42. Uncommon Phrases
I came into work at the front of house after several extended nights of profound insomnia. I was holding up ok until a gal walked in with a dog in her arms. I always chat with people about their dogs because people love to talk about their dogs and often tip a little more when they feel like they’ve connected with you. Looking back, this was a mistake.
I didn't have two neurons to rub together to break from the script of, "Hey, what can I get you,” “Here is your total,” and, “Would you like a receipt?" I leaned over the counter, locked my sleep-starved, unfocused, googly eyes on this poor woman, and blurted out, “Your dog. Who is he?" and then expectantly stared at her.
I stared like it was a normal and not at all insane thing that I just kind of word-vomited at her. She kind of stared at me and clutched her dog a little closer, and I think I probably went a little cross-eyed and tried to salvage the conversation by talking more. I don't remember what I said, but it was not an improvement.
43. Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bath Water
I went to check the mail, grabbed my keys, and remembered, “Oh yeah! There’s garbage and recycling that needs to go out!” So I stopped at the mailbox, retrieved my mail, threw away the garbage, threw away the mail, and threw away my keys. A neighbor asked if I was going to need those. I kind of stopped, realized what I'd done, and mumbled, "Oh nooo."
44. Getting Ready to Go
I started unbuttoning and unzipping my pants while I walked towards the toilet just like I do at home because I'm efficient like that. There was just one problem: I was not at home. I was at work. And I was walking through the shared office.
45. Problems Saying Goodbye
This guy I had a HUGE crush on was leaving my apartment. He said something along the lines of, "All right, this was fun, I'll see you later on." I didn't feel capable of waving, so I did a weird circular motion with my arms, snapped both fingers into finger-pointers at him, and then winked. WHY?
46. Did You Want Something?
As a teenager, I worked at McDonald's. My McDonald's was open 24 hours and, during the summer, I worked the overnight shift. My sleep schedule would get all messed up. My parents woke me up for dinner one evening. I zombie walked to the table and then sat there. My dad asked me to say grace. I bowed my head and tried my best.
I said, "Thank you for choosing McDonald's, may I take your order?"
47. Control Your Volume
I guess I listen to too many podcasts because I keep trying to pause work conference calls. I’ve also caught myself trying to increase my husband’s volume by pushing buttons on my phone while we’re in a room together having a conversation.
48. Are We Leaving Yet?
I had just finished getting my hair cut when I walked out of the salon to get into my car. I got into the back seat and sat there for a full minute before realizing that I drove myself there. Oh, but it gets worse. The salon had a glass storefront, and I was parked front and center. Everyone saw me have my epiphany moment and then humiliatingly get in the front seat to drive home.
49. Official Protocol
I finally got a job as a consultant that I had been trying to get for years. It was just a position at our local grocery store, but the department was the best in town, so I was pumped. I was doing a great job and getting regulars at my tastings. One time, I hosted a tasting with a fairly expensive bottle of champagne.
I opened the bottle, and it started fizzing since it wasn't cooled enough yet, and my instant reaction was to start chugging it because that's what you do with soda. But this was not soda. It was much more expensive than soda, and I was chugging it in the middle of the sales floor while on the clock in a grocery store.
50. Here Come the Water Works
I had a deadline, and I was very sleep deprived. I drank a lot of coffee so I had to visit the washroom a lot. During one particular visit late at night, I went to wash my hands as usual but the tap wouldn't budge. I kept turning it, yet no water would come out. So, I did what other adults would do when that happens. I cried.
I called for someone to check it saying that I broke the tap in between gasps. My boyfriend walked to the sink and magically fixed the tap. I was turning it the wrong way.
51. It’ll Be Oh Kale
I took my newborn kid to the grocery store with my wife. I had a buggy with the baby, and she had the buggy with the groceries. I had been rocking the buggy back and forth to soothe the kid since he was getting antsy. My wife and I traded buggies, and I had the groceries. I was gently rocking a bunch of broccoli and some bread in the middle of the crowded cereal aisle.
52. Tipping the Delivery Man
I heard the doorbell ring the moment I stepped out of the shower. Without thinking, I rushed to answer the door, forgetting that I was dripping wet and completely uncovered! The poor delivery guy had absolutely no idea where to look, and it took me a long and painful moment before I realized that I must have looked like an undressed lunatic.
53. Mocking Love
My ex-boyfriend and I had this thing where we'd take things out of context and make them mushy. I might say, "Tonight's sunset is really beautiful," and he'd say, "No, YOU'RE really beautiful." Once, my co-worker sampled one of our coffee creamers, made a face and said, "That's far too sweet." I automatically responded in the worst way possible.
I went, "No, YOU'RE far too sweet," imitating his voice and face while still working at my desk. When I looked up after realizing I said it aloud, his eyes were pretty wide.
54. Yes, Mom
My mom HATED when I slept in the living room. If she found me sleeping there, she would always wake me up and tell me to go to my room. Well one morning, she thanked me for being so nice and agreeable. I asked what she was talking about. She said when she got home, I was sleeping on the sofa, and she told me to get up.
She told me that I got up right away and, without argument, went upstairs. My mom said she asked if I had taken my meds, and when I said no, I walked right into the bathroom, took them, wished her good night, and went to sleep. I remembered none of it, so it seemed I not only sleepwalk but also accomplish much more when I am unconscious.
55. Monkey Say, Monkey Do
I was 14 at school, and someone in my class had Down's syndrome. He kept saying "Suck my wang," and a bunch of us couldn't help but laugh. When the time came for our teacher to do attendance, she called out my name. Instead of saying, "Here, miss," I said, "Suck my –" but managed to stop myself by slapping my hand over my mouth.
People started laughing, and our teacher couldn't quite make out what I said, thank god. One girl saved me by telling the teacher that I accidentally said, "Here, mom" instead of "Here, miss."
56. Safety is the First Priority
I was extremely tired and walking into an early morning class. It was a lecture hall; I got to where I normally sat and tried to put my seatbelt on. I'm so used to putting on my seatbelt that I instinctively tried doing it because I sat down.
57. Not Quite Out of Nowhere
In college, I had a number of all-nighters and usually had the TV going to help keep me up and help with concentration. Once, a couple of weeks after submitting an essay for a political science class, I noticed the message I sent with it to my professor. As I read it, I felt my entire body cringe. It went something like, "Attached is my water for Italian cooking."
My essay was completely fine and had nothing to do with Italy. My brain had just turned off as soon as I'd attached the paper, and there must have been some cooking-related infomercial on TV while I sent it.
58. Freudian Slip Up
The name of the place where I work starts with an "F," and I was chatting with one of my coworkers who was telling me how she ran 10 miles or so every morning as my phone started ringing. What I was thinking in my head was, "f—that," so when I answered the phone, I answered it, "F--- this is Travis how can I help you?"
59. Wishing for a Black Hole
My husband and I have an inside joke. Whenever someone lost something, the other person always asks, "Have you checked inside your bum?" I was in a meeting at work one time, and a co-worker said, "I can't find my pen." Without any thought or hesitation, I quickly responded cheekily, "Have you checked inside your bum?"
I snapped back to reality and realized I was at work. As you can imagine, everyone went silent and stared at me as my face turned bright red.
60. Unscheduled Meals
I sleepwalk every once in a while. Recently, I got up at 2 AM and without realizing it, fed the dog. My girlfriend woke up and was like, "Why did you just feed the dog? What time is it?" Apparently, I had an iconic response. I just looked her in the eye and said in a completely deadpan voice, "Everyone loves a midnight snack, Nicole."
61. Open for a Surprise
I bought a block of fancy cheese for myself last weekend while my fiancé was away (I'm lactose intolerant so I can only have dairy if I won't be around humans for a day or so). I put it in the fridge like a normal person. At some point, I had to get something out of the junk drawer in the kitchen. I didn’t find what I had needed in there, but I did find an unopened block of cheese. I have no idea how it got in there. Still ate a little though.
62. Got the Wrong Order
When I was sick and feeling a little feverish, I decided to take some Motrin to try and alleviate the symptoms. Usually, I grab the pill bottle and shake out two pills directly into my mouth, but instead, because I am an idiot, I grabbed my water bottle first and poured water all over my own face. Nailed it.
63. Mom’s Calling
I was on the phone with my boss, and she was getting really irritated about something. The combination of her irritation and my exhaustion made my brain misfire, and I ended the call with, "Okay, bye, bye, Mom, I love you!!" I was so embarrassed, but she thought it was hilarious and started calling me her adopted daughter.
64. Showing Up in the Wrong Place
I recently moved to the apartment directly above the one where I used to live. My former roommate leaves the door unlocked. The frequency at which I just storm in and enter my empty old bedroom is staggering.
65. Still Counts!
I loaded up my toothbrush with toothpaste and proceeded to brush my hair with it instead of my teeth.
66. Are You’re Appliances Running?
Back when we had a landline, I was talking on the cordless phone, and when I hung up, I stuck it in the fridge without even blinking an eye. It was lost for hours, and nobody noticed until we got a phone call, and the fridge started ringing.
67. Did Everything Right
I was really tired but too hungry to sleep once, so I went downstairs to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as a midnight snack. Once I was done, I put the knife in the fridge and held the jar of peanut butter under the sink faucet for a good minute as I tried to process why the peanut butter wasn't coming off of my utensil.
68. Breaking Out the Brewski
When I was in school, my mom would make my bagged lunch. She would wrap soda cans with aluminum foil so they would stay cold (even though I’m pretty sure that doesn't work, she insisted on doing it). One day I unwrapped my soda and discovered that she had packed me, a sixth-grader, a can of my dad's beer. Don't think mom got enough sleep that night.
69. Hurry, Scurry, Furry
I woke up early one morning in a bit of a panic. I had forgotten to buy cat food. I thought the cat must be starving. I hurried and got ready for work. I planned a detour to the store. On the drive there, I was planning my run into the store, and I realized I didn't know which aisle to choose. How could I not remember? Then it hit me. I don't have a cat. I haven't had one for several years.
70. Arrival Warning
I'm a security guard for Amazon, and I have to do bathroom checks. I caught myself yelling, "SECURITY!" right before going to the restroom at a bar on my day off. Thank God, it was empty.
71. Evening It Out
I was cleaning up my face with electric clippers. I thought, "Oh, missed a spot," and proceeded to shave off my eyebrow.
72. Wifed and Dyed
For Easter every year, my wife and I dye some Easter eggs and have some drinks. One year, I watched her take a big swig out of the cup with the orange dye. There was an egg in it and everything. She thought she was just having some of her drink. Instead, she nearly choked on a cold, hard-boiled egg. Not her best Easter, but very entertaining for me.
73. Uncle Sam’s Dollar
I filled my car with gas, got home, and realized that I had not paid. I went back to the station and told the clerk what I had done. She thought she was missing a payment, but the station was really busy at the time, so she wasn't very sure. I paid for my gas and went about my way. Then I went to the convenience store.
It was right next to my work, and I grabbed a Gatorade out of the cooler and walked out the door. I realized what I did when I got back to work. I went back and paid for that too.
74. I Said What I Said
I used to work for Subway, so I was very used to "pizza sub" meaning pepperoni. One day, I went to a pizza place on my break and repeatedly told them I wanted a “pizza pizza” and got very annoyed that they kept asking what kind of pizza I wanted. I was so tired that I had to ask them what they called the "circle meat." Not my best day.
75. Coffee to Go
When I got into my car with coffee and a newspaper one morning, I carefully held the rolled-up newspaper whilst hurling the coffee onto the passenger seat.
76. Safe and Sound
I grabbed my "lunch" on my way out the door for work in the morning. I kept wondering what that beeping noise was the whole drive there. I couldn't figure it out, but I was too tired to investigate. So I arrived at work, did all my morning tasks, and started my lunch break. I finally realized the truth when I opened my "sandwich." I had not grabbed my lunch. I had taken the baby monitor.
77. Nice Catch
I went to a high school in the early 90s where it was normal to light one up in the bathrooms between classes. The way it worked was that when you walked in, you said, "It's cool," so that the other kids knew you weren't a teacher. Like most kids in my school, I became so used to it that it was second nature. I got a job in IT immediately after leaving high school, in a nice office building where I had to wear a tie.
I'll never forget walking into the bathroom and loudly saying, "It's cool," and the president of the company saying, "What's cool?" He had a confused look on his face. I just stood there like a dope for a second and then made up something about it being part of a song. I'm sure he thought I was a complete weirdo after that.
78. The Main Ingredient
I once poured the fresh coffee grounds in the basket before placing the filter. Upon realizing the mistake, I emptied, cleaned the basket, and then placed the filter in its rightful place. Then I poured the water in and hit brew. Fifteen minutes later, I had a full pot of hot water. It definitely wasn’t a good morning.
79. Bulging Distraction
Once while playing an intense board game, I was concentrating so hard that my buddy realized that he could just hand random things to me, and I'd mindlessly take them and put them in my jacket pocket or place them on the table in front of me. I only realized what he was doing when I ran out of space to put things.
80. Clopping In
I cared for a horse for several years. First thing in the morning, I would go put feed and water in the field, lead her outside, and close the fence behind her. One morning, as I was walking back to my house, I heard a weird sound behind me. It was the sound of hooves on linoleum. She looked just as surprised as I was.
I had brought the horse into my kitchen. Luckily, she never told anyone, so my secret is still safe.
81. I’m Thinking…
When I was 18, I was hanging out with my then-girlfriend at her place. I fell asleep for a bit, and when I woke up, she smiled at me and softly said, "You're cute when you sleep." My sleep-brain reply definitely ruined the mood. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I'm not so cute when seven people end up dead." What was I dreaming about???
82. Birthy Notes
I used to fall asleep in class quite often, and usually, my writing would trail off to something illegible, and then I'd be out for the count for 10 minutes. One day, I woke up after an in-class power nap to find that my writing had trailed off and then I had written "my son" as clear as anything at the end of the page. I was 13 at the time and definitely didn't have any children.
83. Bad Communication Skills
I was texting my wife while cashing out at the grocery store. She had just done laundry, so I wanted to thank her. Rather than typing, I spoke aloud to the cashier saying, “Thanks, love you.”
84. Polly Want a Lolly
When I was little, I had two bird pets. One day, I was holding one with my right hand and using my left hand to walk around the house, open doors, grab stuff, just hang out. At some point later in the day, I got myself a lollipop and started licking it. Nope. Not so much. I had been holding the bird in one hand and the lolly in the other. Now, guess which I licked.
85. Start From the Top
Once, I opened a banana, discarded the white parts into the trash, picked the stringy bits off, and then noticed I was holding a peel and not a delicious banana. So, I went back to bed because I was clearly not functioning and needed to turn myself off and back on again.
86. Imaginary Arcs
I was tutoring another student on geometry just after I had finished cramming for a calculus test. About three-quarters of the way through the poor kid’s homework, I realized that I had been doing everything wrong. To the poor student’s endless confusion, I had been integrating Calculus into his fifth-grade math homework.
I had to redo the whole sheet and I reimbursed the session cost. I've never seen someone so grateful to find out that they were doing their math right and that I was in whatever post-apocalyptic math-based dreamscape.
87. Have Some
One time, I was feeding my one-year-old a banana and chatting to my mom. In the middle of the conversation, I pushed the banana in front of my mom’s face and just waited for her to take a bite. It took me like 30 seconds to register that I was force-feeding my 48-year-old mother and not my toddler. I thought it was hilarious.
88. The Wheels of the Bus Go
I drive a bus, and my commute home has a road that overlaps with my bus route. While driving home from work one time, I ended up doing my bus route instead of my commute home and did not realize it until I ended up in the bus terminal at the end of the line. I guess it was better than driving into my apartment complex with the city bus?
89. Deleting Recent Footage
I got out of work late and drove home. I must have dozed off because the last thing I remembered was being on the freeway a few exits from home. I woke up in the garage 10 minutes later with the car turned off. I went home safely without causing any accidents. It scares me to this day, just thinking about what could have happened.
90. Bad Design
I put my infant daughter in her jammies upside down and backward. I then complained to my wife about how poorly they fit her. She just looked and laughed.
91. Pillow Talk
I was working as a summer counselor at a college helping incoming freshmen pick classes and stuff like that. The job was exhausting, but I loved it, so I poured my all into it. I made arts and crafts in my off time to make the experience more fun for the kids, I'd write elaborate skits, build sets and costumes, the works.
The result was that I barely slept; I only got about four hours per night for three months on end. One night, around 3 AM, just as I was going to bed, I realized that I'd forgotten to tell my kids that tomorrow's meeting was in my office and not at the outside benches where we'd met the day before. Then I wrote each kid a note.
I wrote my note, “Hi (Student Name), just letting you know that we're all meeting in my office tomorrow at 9 AM instead of at the benches. Thanks.” I wrote out 12 notes, and I was dozing off as I did so. I finally got them all done around 4 AM and delivered them under each student's dorm room door. I slept for 3 hours!
In the morning, at 9 AM sharp, the students started filing into my office. As they sat in the chairs, one asked, "Why didn't I get a funny note like everyone else?" I just thought, “Um... what? I didn't write any funny notes. I wrote – Oh no...” I found out that one of my notes said, “Just letting you know that I see bicycles bicycling.”
I was horrified, but then I read more, “Just letting you know that we're all crazy everywhere. You can eat here, enjoy the food,” which, again, made absolutely zero sense. It just got worse from there because apparently, I wrote out, “Dear Student, Student student student. Student,” and then I signed the message with my name.
The rest was all nonsensical, “Just letting you know that office buildings explode,” that I ended with "Love, Miss M." Another one said, “I don't know why I'm writing this. I see it. Maybe,” and, “Just letting you know that we're all meeting people all the time everywhere we go,” and then a blank one where I drew a heart with an arrow through it.
The clearest “funny” note said, “Just letting you know that we're all meeting in my room tomorrow morning at 9 am. SHARP! sharp. *sharp*. **SHARPPPPP**” with my name signed in capital letters with “sharp” next to it. All the other ones had the intended message. Thank GOD for my students who thought it was hilarious.
I do not, to this day, remember writing any of those, but they were definitely in my handwriting.
92. Seen Paradise
I had a pet rat out roaming with me while I made some toast. I was cleaning up my toast snack, so I put the rat in the fridge and gently placed the butter in the cage. Then my brain record-scratched and I realized what I'd done. I thought, “Oh, shoot,” went to go and reclaim the rat, and she was all, "Go away! This food box is MINE now!" She’d already gotten into the ham.
93. Prepared for Anything
After I worked a ridiculously long and stressful shift in the emergency room, I went straight home and fell asleep. My mom woke me up for dinner and gently said, "Food's gonna get cold,” but what I had heard was "code," so I jumped up and shouted, "Where?!" Then I ran down to the dining area in a panic, only to realize I was at home.
94. Oral Test
I was at the whiteboard in the front of a classroom between classes. I was supposed to be updating it for the next class, but I was zoning out really badly, and I just stared long at the blank board. While I was out of it, my brain recognized that there was something I was holding in my hand–an open dry-erase marker.
This was when my brain decided this thing in my hand must be a lollipop. I brought the marker to my mouth and licked it. By the time I realized my mistake, I had a gross black streak along my tongue.
95. Announce Yourself!
I worked at a restaurant where we had to knock on the bar door before opening it. I probably did it about 20 times a day for six years straight. Almost every time I open a door that you just have to push open, like a bathroom door at a restaurant or something, I knock really hard like three times. I definitely get a lot of looks.
96. Bros Being Bros
I got to a party and saw people I knew, mostly female, so I went to say hi by giving them all a hug and a small peck on the cheek. I got to the one guy in the group, both of us bearded men, and proceeded to greet him by giving him a manly fist bump. Just joking, I gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. He stared at me awkwardly for the rest of the night.
97. Quitting Time
I used to work on a farm, and we always took our boots off before entering the homestead for meal breaks. One afternoon, I absent-mindedly unbuttoned my jeans and started to take them off instead of my boots. I guess my brain decided I was done for the day!
98. Feeling Awful
I was feeling an encroaching sickness coming upon me one time, so I decided to be proactive and make myself a couple of days' worth of the most baller chicken soup I could manage in advance, so I'd be able to eat well even when I was suffering. I chopped the carrots, I sorted the onions, and I stewed the chicken bones.
I cooked that sucker down for eight hours into the most delicious stock you could imagine. Then I poured it all through a colander into the sink.
99. Warm Wishes
I ended a routine phone call with my boss with, “Love you, bye,” and hung up before I realized what I just did. My boss hugged me when I got in and teased me for a week.
100. Greetings, Earthling
I had recently been attending a lot of martial arts classes at night. One morning at work, I was a little tired, so when I entered my boss's office, instead of saying hi, I accidentally bowed at him like he was my karate instructor. This was in the US; neither of us are of Asian descent, and yes, he noticed. It was very awkward.
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