With more stints in rehab and encounters with the Grim Reaper than anyone can count (though we’ll try) it’s a wonder that Artie Lange is still fighting. Try to pull yourself away from these addictive facts about Artie Lange, the never-sober comedian.
1. He Idolized His Father
When Artie Lange was born in 1967 in Livingston, New Jersey, there was no indication that he would develop an addictive personality. His mother was a housewife and his father, Arthur Lange Sr. was a successful contractor. Lange even idolized his father, whom he compared to Superman for climbing on roofs to install television antennas.
But there was something sinister lurking beneath the surface of their quiet suburban life.
2. His Father Was A Deceiver
Despite his outward appearance, Lange Sr. was no saint. On the day of Artie’s birth, Lange Sr. stood accused of storing $200,000 worth of fake bills for the mob. Thankfully, the judge took mercy on the new father and released him, despite all the evidence proving that he was guilty. Fate, as it turns out, would not be so forgiving.
3. He Got His First Standing Ovation
Despite his history of poor grades, Lange managed to get into university. But, far from inspiring a desire for higher learning, Lange’s university career only fostered his nascent love for comedy. While giving a presentation, Lange had his class rolling with laughter and he discovered that “it felt amazing to get that reaction from people”.
Then his whole world came crashing down.
4. His Father Was A Quadriplegic
Lange quickly lost interest in his studies at university and developed a deep desire for a career in stand-up. But just as he was figuring things out, life threw him a curveball. While installing an antenna, Lange’s father fell from his ladder and broke his back, becoming a quadriplegic. With the sole breadwinner for the family effectively immobilized, Lange had to make a tough decision.
Comedy? Or family?
5. He Sought Help
Lange put his comedy aspirations on hold to help his mother with their mounting medical bills. But, even with both of them working, it wasn’t enough to make a dent and they had to appeal for help. Lange and his mother started a campaign, calling celebrities and asking them to donate items that they could sell to help cover their bills.
Sadly, none of the celebrities responded. That is, except for one.
6. He Got Help From The Unlikeliest Place
Lange and his father were big fans of comedian and radio show personality Howard Stern. As it turns out, Stern wasn’t just funny—he was also a great guy. As the only celebrity to answer Lange’s plea for help, Stern sent an autographed jacket. Along with a rib-busting joke; “Does this guy think that if he puts the jacket on he's going to walk again?”
Both Lange and his father found the joke hilarious, but unfortunately, laughter wasn’t the best medicine in this case—Lange Sr. passed a few years later from an infection.
7. He Was “Mad” For TV
Lange began his meteoric rise in comedy when, in 1995, he became a founding cast member of one of the most iconic sketch comedy shows ever. Out of the approximately 8,000 applicants, the show creators selected Lange and seven other comedians to star in Mad TV. But the higher Lange rose in his career, the higher he got. Literally.
8. He Was Making Mad Money
Overnight, Lange went from making chump change as a stand-up comedian to making real money as a sketchy comedy show star. In addition to his massive signing bonus, Lange started making $7,500 per episode. But, instead of fueling his career, the money only fueled his bad habits. Habits that he had acquired while working the seedy underbelly of New York comedy.
9. He Washed It Down With Jack
With his pockets filled with MadTV cash, Lange started doing basuco “like it was going out of style”. His addiction was so bad that his nose would become too sore to snort the stuff. So, he would have to resort to a less conventional strategy: washing down his stash with a glass of Jack Daniel’s.
But he was really just trying to drown out his pain.
10. He Said His Final Farewells
After just nine episodes of MadTV, Lange’s addiction got the better of him. In an addiction-induced state of depression, Lange attempted the unthinkable. He wrote a farewell letter to his mother and sister and attempted to end his life. Fortunately, his MadTV co-stars found him and managed to save him.
The only question was whether or not Lange could save himself.
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11. He Was “100% Serious”
Lange’s attempt at taking his own life shocked his loved ones. No one could believe that, just as he had gotten his big break, he would attempt to end it all. But, in his own words, this was no mere cry for help: He was “100% serious” about the attempt.
To help deal with his issues, Lange checked himself into rehab back in New Jersey for the first time—but not the last.
12. He Returned With A Comedic Vengeance
After completing his treatment in New Jersey, Lange returned to MadTV (on the producer’s private jet, no less) to complete filming the first season. To everyone’s surprise, he appeared to have returned in rare form, funnier than ever before. Years later, he would recall that period as “the best I've ever done in sketch comedy”. He certainly left his mark.
13. He Put The “Mad” In MadTV
If you’ve ever heard the line, “Don’t make me break my foot off in your a**!” then you can thank Lange for those laughs. That was the catchphrase of Lange’s hit character, “My White Mama,” on MadTV. But he was just getting warmed up. Once the second season came around, there was definitely no question that he put the “mad” in MadTV.
14. He Bet Big And Lost
Two months into filming the second season of MadTV, Lange fell off the wagon—in a big way. He had lost a $15,000 bet on the Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield boxing match and soothed his bruised ego with copious amounts of nose candy. When his MadTV co-stars attempted another intervention, Lange fled the set. Literally.
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15. He Went On A “High” Speed Chase
As Lange fled, his co-stars chased him through the streets of Los Angeles, resulting in a “high” speed chase. Eventually, they managed to corner him in a parking lot and the authorities had to take him into the county lockup. But it gets worse: To add insult to injury, while he was behind bars, the director of Jerry Maguire called to tell him that he had cut his part from the film.
16. He Liked The Bottle And The Basuco
Lange’s lifelong struggles with addiction had all started just as his comedy career began to take root. As he mingled with the seedy underbelly of the New York comedy world, he quickly developed a liking for the bottle and the basuco. In a cruel way, it almost seemed like the more substances he used, the funnier he became.
Funny or not, however, his addiction would cost him far more than his spot on MadTV in the end.
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17. He Went Back To Basics
Lange’s sudden rise (and epic fall) in the comedic world had taken many by surprise. Not least of all because his introduction to comedy had been…disastrous. He had performed his first stand-up routine at 19 at The Improv in Manhattan. “I [tanked] for five minutes,” he later explained.
He had avoided the stage for four years following that epic fail, but with his career in shambles, he knew he had to get back to basics.
18. He Only Had One Year
Before his MadTV days, Lange had only given himself one year to make it as a stand-up comedian. During that year, he worked as a taxi driver in order to make easy cash. Whenever he managed to book a gig, he would simply double park his taxi near the club, run in, perform his set, then jump back in his cab. To get his career back, he would have to do it all over again.
19. He Entered A Depressing Period
Once Lange secured his release from the county lockup, he returned to New Jersey and checked himself into a psychiatric hospital. Despite knowing that he needed the help, Lange described it as “the most depressing period” of his life. With the help of his MadTV producers, Lange then entered rehab (for a second time), but they declined to renew his contract.
20. He Checked Out Early
Lange didn’t stay in rehab for long. He checked himself out and returned to the stand-up circuit in New York. But Los Angeles (and all of its problems) would soon reel him back in. Norm Macdonald saw Lange in an episode of MadTV and thought that he “had a melancholy about him” that was perfect for the upcoming film Dirty Work.
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21. He Paid His Way
Macdonald invited Lange to audition for the role. With his spirits boosted, Lange gave the “perfect” audition. But the studio, MGM, wouldn’t agree to hire Lange unless he “obtained an approval report” from his rehab facility. Seeing as though he hadn’t actually completed his treatment, Lange only managed to secure the “approval report” with a $1,500 “donation”.
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22. He Paid His Momma’s Bills
Before Dirty Work even premiered in theaters, Lange started to receive offers from other studios and networks. In fact, major networks started fighting over who would get to sign him. Ultimately, he landed with Fox for enough money “to bail my mother out of every single financial debt she had”. But he couldn’t bail himself out of trouble.
23. He Was “Empty Inside”
Lange teamed up with Macdonald again for The Norm Show and started making more money than he knew what to do with. But the show’s “ridiculously lame, easy jokes” left him feeling creatively “empty inside,” so he doubled down on stand-up.
It turns out, even after his MadTV success, his true breakout (and breakdown) was still to come.
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24. He Wanted To “Win Jackie’s Money”
Fate (and a fall from a ladder) had once brought Lange and Howard Stern together—and it was about to do it again. When comedian Jackie Martling left the writing team for The Howard Stern Show, Lange knew that he had the opportunity of a lifetime. In an attempt to replace Martling, Stern started a “Win Jackie’s Money” contest.
But Lange doubted he would win the coveted job.
25. He Was Stern’s Biggest Fan
Comedians from everywhere auditioned for the opportunity to write for The Howard Stern Show, and Lange knew that he had stiff competition. He confessed to his manager, “There were a lot of great funny guys—guys that were funnier than me”. But he had one big advantage: “I guarantee that I'm the biggest fan”.
The question was whether or not Stern was a fan of his.
26. His Jokes Weren’t Funny
Against all odds, Lange landed the job of writing for Stern—but his jokes were landing flat with Stern’s listening audience. Just as he feared that the show’s producers were about to fire him, however, he received an even bigger opportunity. They put him directly on air, alongside Stern. “We're just gonna keep your mic on all the time,” they told him, “if you say something funny, just say it as you”.
The gimmick worked.
27. He Developed A Radio Audience
Once he was able to tell his own jokes, Lange became an immediate hit with Stern’s listeners. One reporter called him “a kind of comic Everyman” who said what everyone was thinking but no one was brave enough to say—at least, not live on air. For Lange, it was a dream come true to work alongside his childhood hero—the same man who had donated an autographed jacket for his quadriplegic father.
28. He Was A Loyal Friend
Lange’s time co-hosting The Howard Stern Show catapulted him to stardom like he’d never seen before. But he never lost sight of what mattered most to him. When Stern decided to leave radio for Sirius, CBS tried to pay Lange $20 million to take over the show and undercut Stern. Not wanting to upset his friend and hero, Lange declined the offer.
29. He Was Burning The Candle At Both Ends
Lange moved with Stern to Sirius, appearing on his show each weekday morning. But he was burning the candle at both ends. On weekends, he would tour the country, performing stand-up and raking in the big bucks (as much as $3 million a year). It wasn’t long, however, before the pressure got to him.
30. He Just Wanted To Numb The Pain
Lange’s hectic schedule caused an epic relapse. In order to cope with the stresses of his daily radio show, his stand-up schedule, and his filming schedule, Lange turned to painkillers. Lots and lots of them. According to him, he began taking as many as “twenty painkillers a day”.
Ironically, the painkillers only caused more pain.
31. He Was “Dope”
When he ran out of painkillers, Lange resorted to something even more harmful: dope. Nonetheless, between 2005 and 2008, he was able to get himself together sufficiently to finish production on a few films and even arrange a comedy show for the personnel stationed in Afghanistan.
Until one night changed everything. Suddenly, he was right back on the track to disaster.
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32. He Kept The Wrong Company
Lange’s comedy career kept him in the presence of shady characters. One night, for example, he hooked up with a dope-dealing ex-dancer from New Rochelle that he had his eyes on—but apparently not close enough. He awoke one night to her injecting dope into arm.
33. He Missed The Big Roast
Even though Lange described experiences like that as euphoric, he knew that he was in a bad way—as did the people around him. When he missed an appearance on the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget, his friends and family knew something was wrong and they acted fast to intervene.
But Lange saw through their motivations.
34. He Knew Nothing Was Free
Lange’s agent called him and told him that Comedy Central really wanted him at the Roast of Bob Saget. “They'll get you an ambulance to take you to a private plane at Teterboro,” his agent explained, “and a private doctor on the jet”. If Lange managed to stumble on stage, they even agreed to pick the $65,000 tab. But Lange knew nothing was ever free.
35. He Didn’t Want A Heart Attack Over Missouri
Lange turned down Comedy Central’s offer of help—because he knew it wasn’t the kind of help he needed. “I was like, 'I know these kinds of doctors,” Lange said in a Rolling Stone interview, “if I beg him to shoot me up with morphine, he's going to do it to keep Comedy Central happy. And I'll have a heart attack over Missouri”.
So, Lange missed the show and entered rehab on his own (for the third time).
36. He Was Too Fat
After his third stint in rehab, Lange managed to stay sober long enough to write the best-seller Too Fat to Fish. It was a collection of autobiographical stories that he said “range from funny to dark, to tragic, to sad”. Despite his best efforts at sobriety, however, his darkest stories still lay ahead. He would barely survive them.
37. He Had To Get A Prescription For Apples
Between his work with The Howard Stern Show and his stand-up career, Lange was making more money than he knew what to do with. But happiness still eluded him. He relapsed in early 2009 and checked himself into rehab (for the fourth time).
But he didn’t stay long in the strict environment—one where he would have to “get a doctor's prescription for an apple” because of the high sugar levels.
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38. He Spent Money As Fast As He Made It
Lange’s fourth stint in rehab was part of a 21-day program. But he didn’t even make it to week two. He checked himself out of rehab in order to meet up with a “Neil Young-loving chick from Pittsburgh” that he had a crush on. He blew through thousands of dollars on fancy dinners and sunglasses before booking a weekend’s worth of shows to make back all of the money he had lost.
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39. He Did Wheatgrass Enemas
Much to everyone’s disappointment, Lange reappeared on The Howard Stern Show having not completed his rehab treatment. But it wasn’t necessarily a surprise either. As one co-host put it, “I've never heard of someone kicking [substances] with wheatgrass enemas”.
Despite his best efforts and intentions, Lange was still very much addicted.
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40. He Had Taken On More Than He Could Bear
Lange returned to his busy work schedule and even managed to put out some of his best comedy specials ever. But, in his own words, “The combination of the road and morning radio” was more than he could bear. He stated that if his work schedule hadn’t put him in the grave yet, it would if he kept at it. He was very right.
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41. He Thought The Fifth Time Was The Charm
Things came to a head in December of 2009 when Lange appeared on The Howard Stern Show in a hooch and painkiller-induced stupor. During a commercial break, the show’s producers told Lange to take the rest of the day off. Fortunately, he had the good sense enough to check himself into rehab (for a fifth time, in case you’re starting to lose count).
42. He “Hated Everything About” Rehab
Once again, Lange failed to stick with the treatment program. He “hated everything about” the rehab facility on Long Island and, after just eight short days, checked himself back out and returned home on December 23. He spent the next several days, including Christmas and Christmas Eve, in a painkiller-fueled haze of depression.
Then he really self-destructed.
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43. He Drank Bleach
In early January 2010, Lange took his treatment into his own hands. In a state of abject depression, he made another attempt at ending his life. This time, however, he went to the most extreme lengths. He ingested bleach, inflicted wounds on his wrists, and pierced his abdomen nine times with a 13-inch blade. It would take a miracle for him to survive.
A miracle is exactly what he got.
44. His Mother Saved His Life
Unbeknownst to Lange, as he was opening up his wrists and rearranging his entrails, help was waiting just outside. By some miracle, his mother, sister, uncles, and fellow comedian Colin Quinn just so happened to arrive at his apartment, ready to stage an intervention. His mother found him, a bloody mess, just in time to save his life.
45. His Friend Abducted Him
Lange recovered from his severe injuries in a psychiatry ward but remained in a depressive state for more than a year. Eventually, Quinn had to hire two big guys to drag Lange back to a detox facility (sixth time, now) against his will. According to Lange, “It was an abduction, which was exactly what I needed[...]they dragged me, literally kicking and screaming”.
46. He Crashed And Burned
Lange entered a period of sobriety where he produced podcasts, tv shows, and a second autobiographical book, Crash and Burn. He called it “the most honest thing I've ever done in my life”. But he wasn’t quite out of the woods yet. His many years of substance use were about to catch up with him in a shocking and painful way.
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47. He Collapsed On Stage
While performing on stage in Chicago, Lange suddenly collapsed. A stunned audience looked on as medical staff rushed the never-sober comedian to the hospital. When he was finally well enough to speak out, he revealed that his decades of substance use had left his chest and nose severely infected. He had survived—but not without scars.
48. He Inhaled Glass
On an episode of The Joe Rogan Experience, Lange explained a long-standing mystery: What happened to his nose. “A bunch of things…30 years of [substances],” Lange explained. He recounted the time when a boxer punched him out for ten minutes, breaking a bone in his upper nose.
He also talked about inhaling glass through his nostrils—and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. That, combined with the sheer amount of torment he inflicted on his nose over the years, caused it to cave in.
49. He Stepped Out Of The Limelight
Lange spent the next few years going in and out of rehab and treatment facilities (more times than we can actually count). His continued substance use issues, coupled with an increasing series of problems with the law, prompted him to retreat from the public eye to hopefully, at last, amend his ways. Or get a new, less funny act altogether.
50. He’ll Be Back—He’s Addicted To Comedy
Lange tweeted out to his followers that he had found a new job; at a gas station, pumping gas. Fortunately, his gas station gig was only a temporary position to comply with court orders. Lange hasn’t quite returned to stand-up comedy yet but he left his eager fans with one last joke to tide them over until his (next) big comeback.
“Don't [use substances] to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself”.
51. He Passed Notes
Lange's issues with the law began long before he reached his lowest point. Even before he knew he wanted to be a comedian, Lange had a knack for practical jokes. But, not everyone appreciated his sense of humor. He learned that in 1985, at just 18 years of age. In an attempt to impress a pretty girl, Lange entered a bank, approached a teller, and slipped a note across the till. His romantic overture, however, did not go as planned.
52. He Was Armed But Not Dangerous
Artie had intended his little stunt with the note as a reference to Woody Allen's Take the Money and Run. However, when the teller read the note saying that Artie was armed and that he demanded $50,000, she did not get the joke or the reference and triggered the silent arm. Much like his father, however, Lange had a lenient judge and got off with only a misdemeanor.
