Let’s admit it, we’re all a little weird in some way or another. But most of us at least try to keep our weirdness from becoming public knowledge. Unfortunately, those efforts are not always successful. Even when we think we’re alone, someone might be watching as we engage in utterly cringeworthy behavior.
1. Lickety Split
I once saw a girl holding an ice cream cone in one hand, and her phone in the other. I guess she must have been daydreaming or something, because I then saw her absent-mindedly lick the screen of her phone instead of the ice cream. When we made eye contact and she realized that I had seen it happen, she looked like she was going to die.
2. Bathroom Break
Working in large corporate parks during the recession, there were lots of huge office spaces with barely any residency. So, it would often be like a huge complex with maybe just two or three functioning businesses inside it. The best part about this was the fact that you could always find a restroom to take a poop in that nobody else ever used.
For example, I used to go to a restroom in a building across from mine that had zero occupancy. Every time I went over there to use it, I never ran into anybody and always had complete quiet and privacy. Then one day, during one of my particularly long poops, the timer on the lights in the bathroom turned off due to lack of motion.
I thought no biggie, but I was so, so wrong. I got up out of the stall and attempted to move around so that the lights would come back on. For whatever reason, though, they weren't coming on. So, I ventured further out towards the sinks. I started moving my hands up and down in a “Hip Hip Hooray” type of motion while simultaneously shouting “Hayyy Hoooooo” just for the fun of it.
After a little bit of this, the lights turn on. I'm still waving around for a few seconds afterwards, thinking to myself how silly I must look with my pants and underwear down to my ankles in a public bathroom waving my hands in the air. That's when I suddenly heard the worst sound: The bathroom door closing.
Some poor, confused individual must have walked into that bathroom and seen some crazy businessman with his pants down to his ankles waving his hands in the air and yelling “Hayyyy Hooooo” and decided to just abruptly walk back out. Can’t say I’ve ever been more embarrassed than that.
3. Coming Out of His Shell
When I was a young child, I viewed time spent in the bathroom as an opportunity to read books or just have a moment of quiet contemplation. One time during one of these extended toilet sessions of mine, I suddenly got the bright idea to try and use the toilet paper to make a Ninja Turtles-style mask for myself. Don’t ask me why!
As soon as I had torn the eye holes in and wrapped the thing around my head, the door opened and my dad walked in. We made awkward eye contact with each other for what felt like minutes, and then, without a word being spoken, he slowly backed out and closed the door. I still remember the whole scene clearly even though it was more than 20 years ago.
4. A Boatload of Embarrassment
I'm a canoe guide and, being the guide, I'm usually seated at the back of the canoe, steering. On this one particular day, however, because it was a training session and I was with a bunch of my coworkers, I was seated near the front. Now, when I sit at the back. I'll generally check with my finger periodically to see if any plumber's crack is showing.
In other words, by feeling my lower back with my finger near the top of where my butt begins, I can confirm whether my pants and underwear are on correctly and readjust them if needed; all without anyone seeing, because I’m at the back of the boat. However, on this particular day, I accidentally did this in the front out of habit, giving my coworkers at the back of the boat a full showing of me sticking my hand down my pants. One of them promptly shouted out, "I think that's a back-of-boat maneuver!"
5. Caught in the Rain
I was running late for class and rushing through campus in the rain when I happened to see a guy with a pretty heavy looking backpack. He was standing in front of a puddle, looking like he was about to jump off a diving board. He was rocking his arms, bending his knees enough to look like he was gonna sit down for a poop, and everything.
I quickly realized that, instead of just walking around it, this guy was planning to try and jump over this huge puddle. I watched him prep himself for a good 20 seconds, which in hindsight was probably way too long to be staring at someone that I didn’t know. Eventually, he attempted said jump, slipped backwards due to his huge backpack, and got absolutely soaked. I feel bad admitting this, but I laughed quite hard.
6. The Secret Life of Pets
I came back upstairs to my apartment one morning after leaving for work because I had forgotten my cell phone. Evidently, my dogs thought that I was gone for the day and didn't hear me coming back up. I walked into the living room to find my youngest dog laying on his back and my older dog standing right in front of his butt, very aggressively sniffing.
Now, this was not just normal, everyday dog butt sniffing. No, this was deep, pronounced sniffing as if he was a sommelier trying to determine a wine's country of origin. I started to laugh, and both dogs looked at me in utter fear and embarrassment. Their eyes got huge. You could see the shame in their pupils as one of them went to the couch and the other went to the bedroom. Neither one of them looked me in the eye when I got home that afternoon.
7. Beware the Two-Way Mirror
I was once in a meeting in my client’s boardroom. The boardroom was at ground level and the exterior glass was mirrored on the outside, but see-through from the inside. In the middle of the meeting, some sketchy looking dude comes over on the other side of the glass and starts picking his teeth in the mirror.
Then, he looks left, looks right, sees that he has privacy, and scars us for life. He decides to whip out his private parts to start intensely inspecting them in the mirror. It looked as if he was checking for pimples or something of that nature. My client just got up, walked directly over to the glass, and gave a little rap on the window in front of him. He immediately pulled his pants up and walked away.
8. Dancing Like No One’s Watching
I used to deliver newspapers. One Sunday, I got the papers extremely early, and went to deliver them to my Sunday-only customers at around 3 in the morning. When I would deliver papers that early in the morning, I would always lift my paper up and smile so that the customers realized who I was and didn’t think I was there to rob them.
On that particular morning, as I approached this one house, I noticed some movement inside behind the front window. Cue the smile and raised newspaper as I approached. I then made direct eye contact with the shirtless, middle aged customer who had been vigorously shaking his large potbelly like a madman, thinking that no one could see.
When I reached the porch, I just smiled and dropped the paper down. The man immediately ran out of the room as fast as he possibly could. I was thinking to myself, "No dude. Don't run away. Do your thing. I'm just a paperboy. Don't let me dictate how you live your life!" Sadly, this gentleman was apparently so embarrassed that he canceled his newspaper subscription the following week.
9. A Pest of a Guest
My wife and I once had a house guest staying with us for a couple of days. On the second day of his stay, I came home early from work and found him taking creepy to the next level. Dude was going through my wife's clothing drawers. He had no idea that he was being observed while doing this. Later that evening, I took him aside and privately told him that it was time for him to go and that we needed our privacy. He was fairly embarrassed, to say the least, when he realized that I knew what he had been up to.
10. Embarrassment Is a Universal Language
I use Duolingo to practice my Spanish while waiting for the bus each morning. When I'm alone, I like to say each question and answer out loud to practice my pronunciation as well. One day, as I waited for the bus, a group of people gathered behind me without me noticing. I had headphones on and practiced each sentence out loud as I worked through my day’s Spanish activities.
When the bus finally came and I pulled off my headphones, I realized that there had been about six or seven strangers standing right behind me the entire time. This meant that they had all been awkwardly listening to me blurting out basic Spanish sentences to myself for five minutes straight. I felt so embarrassed!
11. Letting It Go
I wore a brand new dress to work one day with a really full skirt on it. I thought it looked beautiful. So, during the afternoon, when I was in the bathroom all alone, I grabbed the sides of my skirt to swish it back and forth. I twirled, and swished, and twirled while watching myself in the mirror.
I was having an absolute blast. Imagine a frumpy-looking middle aged woman going into full on Disney princess mode. That’s how this scene appeared. Then, all of a sudden, in walked the Deputy Superintendent just in time to witness part of my performance. Instant mortification. I avoid her like the plague now.
12. Smile for the Cameraman
I used to work in a grocery store in the photo lab back when developing film was still a thing. The photo lab was on the second level behind all glass walls, so I could see out over the entire store without any of the customers seeing me. When it wasn't busy, I would just sit there and watch the people in the aisles. You know all the things you do in an aisle when you think you're the only one there? I saw it. Picking your nose? Saw that. Adjusting your wedgie? Saw that too. Breaking out into dance? Yep.
13. Letter of the Law
During my maturing days as a 14-year-old boy, I had discovered some inappropriate materials online (I mean really, who didn't?), but was unaware that people could check the browser history...on the family computer.
As awkward as this is to admit, my primary interest at the time was in a website called “My Friend’s Hot Mom,” which I would frequently visit in my spare time. Then, one night at dinner, my parents sat us kids down to talk to us about something very disturbing that they found in the browser history. They had very serious looks on their faces.
Naturally, having grown up in a very religious home with two other brothers, I knew that my secret obsession had been found out. My parents began to talk to us about violence and their worry about the glorification of violence online, etc. Naturally, I was very confused at this point, as this was not the discussion I had been expecting.
My mother, obviously extremely jolted by what she found online, blurted out, "I'm just very worried because someone in this family has been looking at a website called “My Friend Shot Mom” and it's made me very uncomfortable!" I immediately realized that she had misunderstood what the website was and didn't say a single word to correct her. Crisis averted.
14. Hearing Aid
While standing in line at the grocery store, I once let out a big fart assuming that no one would hear it since everything in the store sounded muffled. As soon as I let it rip, everyone immediately turned around and started staring at me. That's when I realized the truth: It turned out that the sound was only muffled to me because I was listening to a podcast with my headphones. To everyone else, it was perfectly audible…
15. Sitting in a Tree
This is still a traumatic memory to this day. One day, I decided to take a walk to this park near my house. I took a book to read and figured I'd enjoy a summer evening. So, I find my favorite tree to hide out in, and climb up to a comfy position high up in the branches. A couple of minutes later, I see some guy walking by in the park down below.
Well, clearly nature called him at that exact moment. Without noticing that there was someone sitting in the tree right above him, this man pulled down his pants and took a massive stinking poop on the ground. He then pulled up his pants without wiping and walked off as if it was all cool. So, I'm now stuck sitting there in the tree, having seen it all, realizing that I will have to climb down somehow with a massive human poop sitting right where I was going to land.
16. Rolling with the Punches
I do freelance work at sporting events. One time, between setup and the time the game started, I was standing at the top of a large hill that led up to the building. I looked around to make sure that nobody else was there, then I laid down and rolled down that bad boy. It was super steep, and it was awesome. I got up, brushed myself off, and went back inside to work. I found out the next week that my boss had seen me, and had told everybody on the crew. Joy!
17. Hair Raising Behavior
There was this odd fellow student at my old school who I once saw spit onto his hands and then wipe down his leg hair when he thought that no one was looking. I’m not exactly sure what his goal was or what he was trying to accomplish by doing that, but something tells me he’d be pretty embarrassed if he realized I had seen him in action…
18. The Worst Side of High School
This might sound a bit depressing, but back in high school we had a teacher who was, let's just say, a bit out of touch with reality. She was not very smart, to put it politely, and we suspected that she might have even suffered from some form of mental illness to make matters worse. Sadly, many of the kids that had her class were total jerks towards her.
They would take advantage of her obliviousness and frequently tried to pull pranks on her. Some of these pranks were harmless, but even those ones were meant to poke fun at how “slow” she was. Over the course of the school year, the pranks ranged from submitting the same assignment three to four times, to leaving class early, to all out fainting and faking a seizure.
Yea, like I said: they were jerks. Some of them were, at least. But nothing compared to the saddest moment of the entire year. One of the kids 'caught' her by herself in the class storeroom talking to herself. She was trying to prep herself up for the morning class and apparently she was saying things like 'You can do it, Beth. You can do it.'
When I heard this being told, the kid was laughing as he said it and mocking her, of course. Apparently, she had been very embarrassed that someone had seen her doing this. Honestly, to me the whole thing was just extremely depressing. I don’t know what exactly her issues were, but making fun of people who are mentally ill is just not right.
19. Let’s Deconstruct This One a Bit...
Ugh okay, so basically there was a lot of construction going on in our house and, one fine morning, I forgot to lock the freaking bathroom door before taking a bath. My back was facing towards the wall, but there was a glass vase through which I could see the reflection of the scene that was playing out behind me.
One of the workers had accidentally walked into the room and froze upon realizing that I was in the middle of a bath. Now, at this point, I had one of two options to choose from: A) pretending I did not see him, or B) shriek like my life depended on it. I decided to go with option A because my mom would have almost certainly fired the poor guy who had accidentally seen her daughter naked.
As I pretended not to know he was there and just continued on with my bath, he literally just stood there for 30 frozen, horrific seconds before running the heck away. If you think that was awkward, imagine what it was like for that guy to be working on our house and on my room for another week after this incident!
The entire rest of the time that he was working in our house, he literally couldn't look at me. I would constantly have a smile-grimace hybrid on my face whenever I'd see him. On the third last day, when we passed each other in the hallway, he awkwardly gave me finger guns before scampering away like he'd just seen an octopus with the face of James Franco.
20. A Private Concert
When I was eight years old, I used to get off the bus after school and have to walk two kilometers home in a very quiet and peaceful area. To help pass the time, I used to sing at the top of my lungs during this walk. I’d sing every song I could think of from whatever kids’ movie happened to be my favorite on any given week.
I never had any reservations about my volume, since there was never anyone else around to hear it. Then, one day in the middle of my rendition of “Colors of the Wind,” I turn around and see some old lady right behind me carrying a bunch of grocery bags. She tries to be nice about it, but little eight year old me was mortified. I’m still kind of embarrassed by that memory to this day, and I’m 30 now.
21. Something to Make Your Eyes Pop
A former coworker of mine had bad acne all over his face and neck. While I was sitting in my forklift waiting for pallets to come up the line one morning, I watched him pop a pimple on his neck. I thought it couldn't get grosser, but I was so, so wrong. After he popped it, I watched him eat it. He clearly thought that no one was looking, and he would probably be devastated if he ever realized that I had seen this. It was a horrifying sight to behold.
22. A Cold Thing to Do
I was in the drive thru at a Dairy Queen once and, from the window, I could see an employee sitting in the lobby licking on an ice cream cone. I guess since there were no customers sitting inside, she assumed that no one else could see her. I watched her stand up, walk over to the kitchen area, and dip the ice cream that she had been licking into the melted chocolate that is used to prepare everyone’s cones. She then innocently walked back over to the lobby as if nothing had happened.
23. A Water Park
I was sitting in a McDonald’s parking lot late at night with my girlfriend in her car. All of a sudden, some guy walked up to take a pee in the bushes right next to us, not seeing us sitting there and obviously assuming that the parking lot was empty at that hour. He proceeded to pull down his pants and start doing his business like it was nothing. My jaw dropped to the floor and out of sheer panic, I honked as soon as I saw the first sign of pee. He jumped in shock, peed all over his pants and shoes, and walked away in shame. My girlfriend laughed hysterically and still does whenever I remind her of this little incident.
24. That Didn’t Come in Handy
One night, I was sleeping next to my then-boyfriend and woke up because he moved. I opened my eyes without saying anything, and watched him scratch his butt with the same hand that he had been hugging me with, then proceed to smell his fingers. He then put his arm back around me again, and moved his hand very close to my face. It suddenly had this...butt smell. You all know what I'm talking about. Ugh…
25. A Spoonful of Sugar
I work at a pizza place that also sells a small selection of "essential" groceries. Think milk, eggs, stuff to make chilli soup with, etc. We also sell half-gallon tubs of ice cream. Separate from those packaged tubs, there is an ice cream chest on the opposite side of the room, where there's three or four big drums of ice cream that customers or workers can scoop out with these nice old fashioned steel spoons.
A regular customer recently told us that, during the Friday night buffet one week, she saw a guy take one of the steel spoons off the wall and walk it over to the freezer with the packaged ice cream while he thought that no one was paying attention. He then proceeded to take the flavor of his choice out, remove the lid, take out one single scoop of ice cream, put the lid back on, and walk back across the room to his waiting styrofoam cup. He managed to put the spoon back without licking it though, so I guess that's a plus!
26. Perfect Timing
One day at work, I had to pass gas really, really badly. Now, I could tell that this wasn't going to be a silent one that I could covertly crank out and then blame on my geriatric coworker. No, on this occasion I was legitimately afraid of blowing a literal hole in the back of my jeans. I got up and penguin-walked out the door, clenching my insides tightly.
After leaving the office, I realized that things were happening and that I wouldn't be able to make it all the way over to the restroom to let this monster out safely. I looked around and saw that there was nobody else in the hallway, so I sighed and let out the loudest, rumbliest toot that I have ever produced in my life.
My coworkers probably heard it, but assumed it was a passing semi truck blowing its horn. My stomach immediately felt better and my belt felt looser, that's how much gas was trapped in there. Satisfied, I turned around...and nearly died of embarrassment. I see a woman from a different office standing in the hallway, still holding the door she had just emerged from.
She wore a look of sheer horror on her face, at once both nauseated by my boorish behavior and disgusted with herself for feeling impressed at the magnitude of my flatulence. "Hello!" I said, plastering a cheerful smile on my face. Before she could respond, I ran back to my desk and put my hoodie up. I never saw her again, so I can only assume that she died of the shock later that day.
27. Standing Up for Yourself
Whenever my shift at work is quiet, I take a couple minutes’ break and go practice doing handstands on the nice grass by our building. I'm awful and can only hold it for about 2 seconds before I flip over and land hard on my behind. Last week, the security guy offhandedly mentioned that there's a security camera that points almost exactly at that location. He's been watching me handstand for about two weeks...
28. The Garden of Peekin’
I have a lovely elderly neighbor across the way who tends her garden almost daily. She is sweet as can be, and doesn't bother a fly. Our houses are pretty far apart from one another. I'm not a particularly good judge of precise distances, but it's definitely far enough that she feels concealed.
When I sit on my front porch, I can see her as clear as day wherever she is in her yard. At the same time, she can't see me because of the arrangement of plants between us and my slightly higher elevation. Because she doesn’t realize that I can see her, she always, ALWAYS, adjusts her clothes very abrasively.
Like, overtly. She has a whole routine, too. Every time she gets up and moves from kneeling on a planting cushion, she stands up, pulls off her garden gloves, does a little wiggle shake, jams her entire hand down the back of her pants, evacuates a wedgie, pulls her bra strap down where it rode up in the back, scoops each tit back into place, and moves down to a new spot to garden.
She repeats this process maybe 25 times or more each morning before she calls it a day, all the while not realizing that I can see the whole thing. I sit outside and smoke a cigarette while watching her work and it delights the heck out of me (in a she's a cute, funny old lady kind of way, not a mean way. Just to be clear.)
29. Overture, Curtain, Lights
I practically performed a one woman musical while proofreading a book manuscript that my friend was working on. Basically, to help myself focus, I just casually started singing the entire text of the book out loud as I was reading through it. After a while, I started to get pretty into it and my singing became louder and more dramatic. When I got to the end, I realized that I had forgotten to hang up my phone and that my friend had been quietly listening to my entire performance…
30. The Show Must Go On
I was walking downtown with a buddy of mine, just casually chatting. At a certain point, I stopped to light a cigarette. While we were stopped, my friend started adjusting his hair and admiring his reflection in the tinted window of the glasses store that we were right beside. He was definitely enjoying checking himself out.
As soon as I looked up at him, from my angle, I could clearly see that the front counter of the glasses store was something like six feet behind the window where my buddy was looking. The counter was also pointed directly at him, and I could see that both of the girls working there were just staring, perplexed looks and all, while he appeared to stare directly back at them, still adjusting and checking himself out with no shame. He had no clue what he was doing.
So, I obviously just watched and let this go on for another 30 seconds or so until my friend started to walk away, at which point I told him to look harder through the window. He immediately saw the two girls that he'd been staring at and putting on a show for over the last minute. They both waved and laughed at him. My friend awkwardly waved back and then looked straight at his shoes and briskly walked away.
31. Mirror Mirror on the Wall
I used to work in an office right next to a FedEx facility. Our windows were reflective, and faced the FedEx truck parking lot. Sometimes, we used to see FedEx employees change into their uniforms behind the trucks, not realizing that the mirrored surface that was right next to them was actually an office with about ten people watching them.
32. Nothing Can Come Between This Man and His Burger
I once watched some guy drop his cheeseburger on the ground, look around to see if anyone was watching, and then pick it up, put it all back together again, and bite into it. This was outside on the grass, too; so who knows how much dirt and garbage got into it. And the worst part? This was at a free company buffet thing, so the guy could have just gotten another one for free!
33. If a Poop Falls in the Forest, But No One Is There to See It...
When I was in military base training back in Austria, we used to jog every morning with our drill sergeant. We were stationed at an airport, and so our route usually contained one airport round. On this particular day, our sergeant was in a good mood. When we started to run, he asked us if we had any cigarettes with us. Most of us did, so he said fine and started running, with us following behind him.
We started running and were next to a slender part of a forest when, suddenly, our drill sergeant made a turn to the left and led us into the forest. The forest was probably about ten meters (30 feet) wide, and we went inside it. He told us that we wouldn’t be running today, and that we would just be chilling here in the bushes of the forest, hanging out and having fun while smoking some cigarettes.
So we were in between some trees hiding, probably about 20 or so young men hanging out with our drill sergeant. Then, we suddenly spotted these two older women (probably around 50 or 60) walking along by the fence. The sergeant saw it and told us to shut up. We watched those women pass by. They didn't see us, so we went back to our chat.
After about five minutes, one of the two women again came along. When she was right in front of us, she stopped. She started looking back and forth, seemingly checking if anyone was around, but didn't see us. Then, once she was convinced that no one was around, she pulled down her pants, got on her knees, and took a huge poop on the ground right next to us. We were probably about two or three meters away and EXPLODED in silent laughter. I had to hold my mouth shut with both hands to control myself.
The two guys next to me both bit down on my arm so that they wouldn’t make a sound. Almost all of us were rolling around, laughing uncontrollably, and holding our mouths shut. The woman then peed on her poop, pulled up her pants, and went on her way. Luckily, she did not hear us, even though we had been pretty loud when she first started squeezing out that poop. Her back was turned towards us, so we basically saw everything. I still can’t believe how crazy that was!
34. An Image Aisle Never Forget
I was sitting at the end of a racking aisle at the grocery store where I work. All of a sudden, a guy comes around the corner, pulls down his pants, flicks on a rubber glove, and sticks some kind of pill into his behind. I don't know what was worse, having an old man’s privates swaying to and fro right in front of me, or the soulless grimace on his face while he was in full swing. I saw the whole show from no further than five meters away. I froze in place, as I didn't want him to spot me and try to give me an explanation that I didn’t need or care to hear.
35. She’s Got a Lot On Her Plate
I was at a restaurant once with my mom and my brother. It was the kind of restaurant that heats up the little share plates that they bring to the table before the meal. The waitress dropped these off and said that she would be back with our appetizer shortly. As soon as she was out of view, my mom started acting like a psycho. I was mortified.
She stuck one of the plates down her top. I said, "Mom, what the heck are you doing?" And she replied, "My chest is cold! No one is around, it's fine!" My brother and I told her to cut it out. No one else may have seen, but it was so embarrassing nonetheless!
36. The Last Straw
One time, I wasn’t really paying attention to what I was doing and I accidentally started trying to use a spoon full of hot cocoa as a straw. I guess I’d had both things sitting in my cup next to each other and mistakenly picked up the wrong one without realizing it. Luckily, I don’t think anyone was looking. I would have felt very stupid if anyone had seen that...
37. A Flowery Scene
When I was young, I had once heard that singing to flowers can help them grow. So, I was in my yard singing out loud to all of the flowers when the neighbor kid walked by and saw this. I was already viewed as the strange kid in my family by the entire neighborhood, and I just confirmed it to her as she walked past.
38. In the Privacy of His Own Car
I saw some random guy get about two knuckles deep into his own nose while sitting at a red light one afternoon. He had clearly assumed that either no one could see him or that no one would be paying attention to what he was doing. He was wrong. And he looked pretty embarrassed when he noticed me gawking at him.
39. Hitting the Bottle
I once saw a woman walk into a Victoria's Secret store, grab a sample spray bottle of perfume, and spray her armpits. Then, she looked around, made sure no one was looking (not noticing me somehow), and then proceeded to spray her entire body from top to bottom. She then threw the bottle down and hurried out of the store as fast as she could.
40. The Icing on the Cake
This is one of my mother’s favorite stories. My sister had requested a cake from a specific shop that we'd never been to before, so our mom went in to order it. The kitchen was visible from the front of the shop, and one of the workers was icing a cake. Thinking that no one could see, she watched him do something utterly disgusting. He licked the spatula and then continued icing the cake with it. Mom saw the whole thing, yet she still ordered a cake from that shop and we all ate it...We are disgusting too.
41. Getting Nosy
I was waiting for an online interview to begin for an internship program that I had applied for. While the interviewer was away, I suddenly remembered that I still had my septum piercing on. Naturally, thinking that it might look unprofessional, I started trying to push it inside my nose before anyone could notice.
As I was adjusting the now hidden piercing, the interviewer came back online and saw me basically appearing to pick my nose like an idiot. We had an awful five seconds of silence before she decided to proceed with the interview as if nothing had happened. I got the internship and now have to avoid her around the company because she always seems to remember and look at me funny.
42. Some Mysteries Are Better Left Unsolved...
I was sitting in traffic and minding my own business when I suddenly looked over into the car next to me and saw a guy vigorously scratching his private area. Like getting into every crevice. He then takes his hands out, smells his fingers, and recoils at the odor. Then, he sticks those fingers in his mouth and closes his eyes like it was the sweetest taste since sliced bread.
I honked and got his attention, breaking him out of his trance. He looked at me and I mouthed the words "Why man? Why?" He returned my gaze, gave me this satisfied smile, and just drove away.
This was about four years ago. He was a normal looking fellow, but I still think about that man more than I would like to. What does he do for a living? Does he have a family? Do they know? Who is this man? I guess I'll never find out...
43. I’ll Fly Away
I was very tired after work one day, so I walked over to the train station lost in my thoughts and started to absentmindedly move my lips and mutter to myself out loud while thinking. I worked at an airport. This train station was in the airport. Colleagues of mine whose shifts started when mine ended were coming my direction. They noticed...
At parties, I would often dedicate a few minutes to giving myself a long look in the mirror with a smile for a confidence boost; but this one time, I saw another guy standing right beside me and doing the exact same thing. He was raising his eyebrow and smooching at himself in the mirror. When we each realized what was going on, there was a silent agreement between the two of us not to talk about it. I still wonder if he remembers.
45. Whistling Dixie
Once while very drunk and very young, I needed to pee and thought no one was around, so I peed in my pants by the campfire. Then I remembered that everyone would be able to see the stain when they got back. So to cover it up, I tried to whistle as a distraction. As I mentioned, I was very drunk at the time. I was at a party of bikers. I’m not quite sure why I thought that whistling would succeed in masking it, especially since I can't even whistle well while sober! I don't drink anymore…
46. What’s in Your Toy Box?
I once purchased some highly inappropriate and embarrassing adult toys online and had them delivered to my home address. I came home one day to find the parcel containing these items OPEN, sitting on my bed with a note from my mother saying "Sorry, I thought this was my parcel!" The shame was unbearable and I still cringe whenever I think about it. I tried to deflect the whole thing by texting her to ask if she had any wrapping paper I could use for 'the joke present I bought for my friend's 21st birthday party.' Eurghhhh…
47. Circular Logic
I was at my office, maybe a week or so into a cool new job. I shared the space with two of the bosses, but I was alone because everyone had left for lunch. So, I started spinning around in my chair just for the heck of it. Like, spinning HARD. Then, I suddenly hear a tap on the window and it's my boss who had forgotten his wallet. I don't know how much of it he saw, but I couldn't even look at him for the rest of the day.
48. The Great Outdoors
Back when I was still living with my mom, she once had one of her friends come up for the week with her son. There wasn't enough room in the house for them to stay inside, so they decided to camp out in the backyard. Now, I was working in construction at the time, and had to get up pretty early to get ready.
One morning, while I was putting my lunch together, I looked out the kitchen window to see my mom's friend squatting over a plastic bag, taking a poop into it right there out in the open. It was without a doubt one of the most disgusting things that I've ever seen. Then, she proceeded to walk inside the house with her bag of fresh poop to get rid of it.
She stopped dead in her tracks with a look of horror on her face when she realized that I was up and watching the whole thing. To this day, there’s one thing I can’t understand: if her plan was to come inside to get rid of it anyway, then why couldn't she just walk inside and use the fully functional toilet in the first place? You know, to just cut out the whole squatting over a plastic bag in the middle of a field bit…
49. Open Door Policy
I once had a terribly annoying itch around my private area, so I pulled down my underwear to give it a scratch. Unfortunately, I forgot that my bedroom door was open...and that my parents were entertaining family friends in the living room. I was 13 years old at the time. I wanted to literally DIE right then and there when I realized what I had just done.
50. Buried in His Books
Back when I was in high school, I really liked this one particular girl. So, one time in class, as I was talking with a few of my friends, I wanted to try and make eye contact with that girl, but in such a way where no one else would notice or catch on to what I was up to. In order to try and achieve that, I came up with a brilliant plan.
I covered my face with a book and tried to move my head slowly behind it until I had completely covered it from their sight. I must have looked really stupid doing that because as soon as I moved the book away, I saw this other girl in my class staring directly at me and laughing her head off. I still remember that and feel really stupid about it.
51. This Impression Doesn’t Hold Water
My little brother once went to nursery and told his teachers about how his dad acts at home. To demonstrate, he pretended to drink from a bottle, loudly said "glug, glug, glug" then fell over backward. My step-dad isn't at all an alcoholic, and hardly ever drinks, especially not at home. He was absolutely mortified when he found out.
52. Good Grief
My mother and I were out walking and we came across an older couple we knew from the local church. Their eldest son had just died from an inoperable brain tumor, and their younger son just moved out for university. Mum starts with, "Must be nice to have the house to yourself! More time for Church!"
The conversation devolves from there. She ignores all hints to drop the subject, including the mother stating they hadn't been back to the church since their son died. The couple were obviously horrified. I couldn't end the convo quick enough. Afterward, my mother told me I was just being immature and had no conception of what "polite adult conversation" was like.