“If This Ever Got Out…”: People Share the Secrets That Could Destroy Them

Even when it seems like we know someone, there can very often be things about them that none of us ever suspected. These can range from harmless little nothings to secrets so dark they could change lives forever. Once these life-altering secrets are revealed, there’s no going back. Here are first-hand confessions from people who quietly harbor secrets of this kind.


1. Dagger of the Mind

My secret is that I once brought a knife to school with the intention of using it to take the life of a fellow kid. In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was a very angry, very lonely kid for a long time. That all sort of piled up into an uncontrollable rage sometimes, and one day I had just decided that I’d had enough.

At the end of the school day, I saw him minding his own business on the playground. I still had the knife in my pocket and was standing there pondering what I was about to do. Luckily, right at that exact moment, my dad miraculously spotted me from the parking lot and took me home. I didn’t get to do it. Then I realized my mistake.

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2. Tree Hugger

My secret is that when I was a kid, I would often wake up before my parents and slip downstairs to watch some TV. The only bathroom we had was upstairs, and I never felt like going back up there and missing my cartoons. We had houseplants behind the TV, so I just started peeing in them. Pretty much every single day. They eventually withered and got replaced by new houseplants.

I peed in them, too. It eventually became a game for me to see how long it would take me to kill each new houseplant we got with my urine.

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3. Getting Schooled

I failed out of college and didn’t tell anyone about it. I lied to literally everyone I know about still being in school and I even pretended to go to classes. My parents still thought that they were paying for my college tuition all the while. That is the worst part of this whole thing. I wasted six months and a good $5,000, if not more, of their hard-earned money.

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4. Liar Liar Pants on Fire

My secret is that I cannot stop myself from constantly lying. Half the time, I just lie about things that don’t even matter and that I could easily have just told the truth for. But I can’t stop myself from doing it. I don’t know why. All the lies I’ve told, big and small, will all catch up to me at one point or another and will be seriously damaging to my life.

My parents and my brother don’t trust me at all anymore because I’ve done some incredibly stupid things and lied about them for no reason. I’ve also had to do extra things or tell bigger lies to cover up for what started out as a little white lie. Other people around me who have caught me in little lies don’t know how to act around me anymore.

I know that I need to stop this destructive behavior and I am seriously trying to. But, somehow, the more I try to stop doing it, the more I end up doing it. This whole thing is slowly destroying my life bit by bit, and my relationship with my family is already in shambles. Yet, as far as I can tell, there is nothing I can do about it.

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5. Sitting on a Big Secret

My secret is that I have been sleeping with my babysitter for many, many years. I know that it sounds crazy and hard to believe, but it’s completely true. This whole thing started when I was fairly young and it just never ended. Nobody has ever caught us or suspected a thing about what we are really up to when she’s over.

RasheedWallaceAMA

6. You’ve Got a Friend in Me

I’m a grown man. My biggest secret is that I have an imaginary friend, who happens to be a dragon. I spend a lot of time each week daydreaming about our little world together. Sometimes, I might be flying on his back. Other times, we may be exploring the forests or something. I never know what we’ll be doing till we “get there” so to speak.

Usually, at night until I fall asleep, I imagine that the two of us are in a cave on a cold night curled up together and snuggling around a warm, toasty fire. I realize that this is very childish, stupid, and weird, but honestly, if my imagination is vivid enough during a given session, it makes me really happy and I feel at peace.

Writing about our friendship is a nice outlet, but not enough for me. I can’t really lucid dream either. That’s why I continue to actively spend time daydreaming about this. But hopefully, in the future, I will be able to visit the world in my head through virtual reality technology and spend time actually physically being there. So, yeah. There’s my weirdness laid out for the internet to see!

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7. Living on the Edge

My secret is that I almost ended my sister’s life many years ago. She was about three years old at the time and I was maybe about nine or eleven years old. I carried her out to the terrace, which was five stories high including the ground floor. And like some dumb idiot, I placed her at the edge of the terrace, above a barricade of sorts.

There was nothing whatsoever to protect her from falling and directly below, five stories down, was a cemented path. I don’t remember what was so important that I had to do, but I left her dangling there at death’s edge. All I remember is that she was starting to sway backward, towards the ground. Alarm bells suddenly started ringing in my head.

I ran over there as fast as I physically could, and I somehow managed to grab on to her just as she was about to fall. I felt my heart racing against my chest. I hugged her for a really, really long time. I was too afraid to let go. To this day, I still haven’t told her about this incident. She’s 25 now. I have never told our mom about it either.

Even just typing this story up still makes me nervous. That height, how a baby’s body would have ended up splattered all over the hard cemented pathway, how I could have been institutionalized, how my family would have disowned me, how I would have missed out on watching her grow up. All of those thoughts still haunt me.

It developed a lifelong irrational fear in me of carrying babies around. Even if I’m not the one carrying them. Or even if there is no height involved.

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8. Comfortably Numb

My biggest secret is that I am completely emotionally numb. I always have to fake being happy or excited about things. I guess it kind of sucks because I’m not happy or unhappy, and the only time I’m ever “considerate” is when I’m doing something because I know that something bad will happen otherwise.

I literally never act out of guilt or a negative emotion of any kind. People think I’m this nice, caring person, but I am literally just a shell that goes through life not feeling a thing or really caring about anything that happens. I sometimes wonder why I exist at all, but I don’t delve too deeply into it because I honestly just don’t care.

ThatOneGayChristian

9. A Taxing Burden

My biggest secret is that I have not paid income taxes in more than a decade. For obvious reasons, I cannot let anyone find out about this, or I would get into some major trouble. I don’t get any part of my paycheck withheld from work. I don’t know how this situation managed to get away from me like this. At this point, I’m afraid to ask anyone what I should do.

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10. Game, Set, and Match

I’m currently 24 years old. When I was 11, I had a miniature toy soccer net, some lego footballs, and two little player figurines. I made fixtures for some made-up teams and players, and acted out some fictional matches between them. My secret is that I have continued to act out fictional soccer matches with these toys every single year since then.

Even as an adult. Each “season” lasts 42 matches and there are twelve different teams. I even “commentate” on the matches as if they’re on TV. Other than that, I have made ten different “trophy fixtures” to award the imaginary players with. Playing with the toys usually takes me about twenty minutes on an average day.

Well, 41 “seasons” and 152 trophies later, I’m still playing. Mostly only when I know that no one is around. I even debate the matches in my head whenever I’m showering or trying to fall asleep. I just play with the figurines, score goals using them for movement, and move the ball around too. I have a lot of scorebooks filled with imaginary results from over the years. Sometimes, I feel like an idiot.

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11. We Have a Winner

My secret is that I won a fairly sizable lottery of roughly a few million dollars a little while back and told absolutely no one, family and friends included. I quietly took a bunch of steps to secure my kids’ futures, and we live a very comfortable but not lavish lifestyle. I’m pretty generous with the people around me. I think that they just think I’m doing very well in my career.

Either that or maybe some of them think I’m involved in some kind of sketchy dealings under the table. I justify keeping this a secret by thinking that if it was general knowledge amongst friends and family, it could easily cause tension and ruin relationships. I want to be able to continue my life the way I have always lived it. And besides, my priority needed to be my kids.

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12. A Remote Possibility

Even though my secret seems kind of stupid, it could absolutely destroy everything that I have built up in my life. I am employed by a company that allows people to work remotely. The catch is that they only hire people in specific states in the USA. My secret is that not only do I not live in one of those states, but I don’t even live in the US at all.

I am a US citizen, but am currently living outside the US. Thanks to my current job and the lousy economy in my new country, I get to live a pretty lavish life. Every 1 US dollar is worth about 600% more here because the currency is weak, getting weaker, and it’s just cheap to live here to begin with. I’ve been working for months and I’ve had some close calls.

I almost gave myself away a couple of times and they questioned me about it. I had to lie.

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13. Evil Next Door

When I was about 11 or 12 years old, the guy in the flat next door was a computer nerd type. I got interested in learning a little about computers from him, as this was the 80s. To cut a long story short, he took advantage of me over a long period of time. I found he had several magazines and videos lying around that should have raised some red flags.

It got as far as hugs and kisses, and then he tried to feel me up. That’s the point at which my brain kicked into action and I ran away from there as fast as I could. I was intensely scared, ashamed, and somewhat retreated into myself. I realized that my parents, and specifically my mother, knew something wasn’t right in this odd child/adult relationship. Yet I didn’t act on their suspicions.

That totally messed with my mind and led to many, many years of confusion and introspection, and if I’m honest some screwed up attitudes towards people from myself. I told one girlfriend many years back, and she basically blocked it out, didn’t want to discuss it, and made it fairly plain that she wasn’t sympathetic or willing to be of any help.

I’ve managed to get past most of the issues around it, but I sometimes find myself watching TV, films, or documentaries where a related subject comes up and everything hits me again. Watching Ray Donovan brought it up, specifically the part where “Bunchy” has problems dealing with his past issues.

During one scene, I had to get up and leave the room before I went off and burst into tears in front of my wife. Unaware of what was happening, she paused the show so I wouldn’t miss anything! I have gained some good things from the struggle. I am quietly proud that I am assured of myself without feeling any difficulties in having gay friends.

That could have gone very differently. I have a loving family and have learned to be sociable. I have also managed to create some level of trust with people. The dark memories still burn me on the inside at times, though. I have sort of accepted that they are something I will never fully get away from and will take with me to the grave.

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14. Runaway Baby

My secret is that every single day, I fantasize about getting on a plane, flying somewhere far far away, and starting my whole life over again. No one around me has the slightest suspicion that I am at all unhappy with my current life. Yet the only thing that gets me through each day is dreaming about running away from it. I’m just too afraid to actually do it.

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15. A Dog’s Life

My secret is that I am a zoophile, meaning that I have…feelings for animals. Specifically my pet dog. Unfortunately for me, that is not socially acceptable and my life would immediately be destroyed if anyone ever found out. It is sad; I don’t hurt anyone, I just love my dog. And that is not okay.

btwIAMAzoophile

16. Photo Finish

My secret is that I really, really want to post adult photos of myself on the internet. I get excited by the idea of people looking at and enjoying my body but not being able to actually touch it. I like showing off my body in general. But I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I’m very much in love with, and he would be devastated if I ever did that.

I have created this anonymous throwaway account online, and it’s ready to go if I ever decide to go through with my fantasy. I made it while intoxicated one night. I don’t know if I’ll ever actually use it. The idea taunts me more and more, and it doesn’t help that I have pent up urges from not seeing my boyfriend very often, or from the fact that he’s not into the same stuff as me.

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17. Not Who I Appear to Be

My secret is that I have a severe disability. I also have a large following on the internet. None of my fans know that I’m disabled. No one on the internet does. I don’t want to reveal the truth because I’m scared that it would destroy my reputation. I know, I’m much too negative and I should relax and simply come out. The problem is that, in real life, I am really disadvantaged by my disability. I don’t want to risk that affecting the one place where I’ve been successful.

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18. I Don’t Care

My secret is how much I don’t care about a lot of people in my life who like me. Coworkers, “friends,” family. There are a ton of them that I just don’t care for, really. I am simply civil with them for the sake of convenience. Some of them have done pretty nice things for me, and I am thankful. But there are still some who I just don’t really like that much.

I used to not be like this. I used to try and maintain all the relationships in my life. Now, many of my old friends live far away, and I don’t even make an effort. And I wonder if I ever cared at all. The weirdest part is in social situations. I’m really good at being friendly and feigning interest in people’s lives. I’ve been complimented often on being a nice and genuine guy.

Yet there’s this resentment deep inside of me that I have for many people in my life. I always keep it hidden. The only people I really care for are a few close friends, my immediate family, and my girlfriend. Other than that, I’d rather just be alone. I choose not to tell anyone about this, as I have no idea how they would react if they knew.

OhSix

19. A Scary Imagination

This one really would destroy my life. My secret is that I dream about ending my own life fairly frequently. I’m terrified of what happens on the other side and would never actually go through with it, but I fantasize about it a lot. Especially when I’m stressed or tired or having a bad day. I’ve mentally composed more goodbye notes than I can possibly recall.

If I ever tell a doctor about it, my life as a free and unmedicated woman is over. I’m terrified of mental hospitals and psychiatric medication. I never told anyone about how I feel. A doctor would instantly confine me to a mental hospital, and a friend or family member would either panic or just think that I’m some sort of drama queen.

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20. I Feel This One

My secret is that I have completely given up on life. I failed out of college after two years because I was lazy and intoxicated all the time. I then joined the Air Force, and was kicked out of there too because of a heart condition that I didn’t even know about. I think about taking my own life at least once a week. My fiance of four years broke up with me and I was so apathetic that it didn’t even bother me. I just calmly collected my stuff and moved out.

I can’t sleep for more than three hours a night anymore. I’m not even sure if I’m depressed or not. I just get up every day and go to work, then come home and go to sleep. I don’t drink anymore, but I smoke almost a pack a day. I just turned 22, and according to a few doctors I’ll be lucky to see 30. Reaching 40 will be a miracle not explainable by science.

I’m going back to college in the fall so that, at least before I go, my family won’t think that I was a total failure. They’ll never know that I lived my life with no feeling or interest in being alive. Ironically, writing this out actually made me cry. This is the first emotion I’ve felt in almost a year. Thank you, internet, for letting me know that I’m still capable of feeling something.

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21. Sink or Swim

My secret is that I enjoy peeing in the sink whenever I’m home alone, simply because it feels sort of “taboo.” I have no idea what makes me enjoy this experience, or when or how it started. But nevertheless, it is a part of my lifestyle. And that is not something that I want anyone aside from me to ever know about.

AestheticPanduhh

22. When Age Isn’t Just a Number

My secret is that I’m 18 years old, yet I’m in love with a 44-year-old. Just how much older than me he is could ruin my life a bit if people knew about it. But I still want to be in a relationship with him more than anything in the world. I’m selfish and I miss him. I would do anything to protect him from any people who thought his behavior was inappropriate.

LittleTinyFailure

23. Dress for Success

My secret is that I have a cross-dressing hobby, even though I am completely straight. Thankfully, I have an incredibly supportive girlfriend who knows about this and is okay with it, but I don’t think I could ever handle telling anyone else about it. Lord only knows what would happen to my already small social life if this ever got out…

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24. Don’t Judge Me!

I am a judge in a town in the United States, and a partner in a law firm. I also have a bit of a secret wild side in the bedroom. I tell all of my co-workers, assistants, and family members that I go up to my cabin most weekends, and that they can’t contact me because there’s no cell service. They think that’s the way I like it, to get away from the stresses of the jobs and to just enjoy hiking.

In actuality, I go see a mistress 20 years my younger. I have a college-aged daughter and an ex-husband. I also have a fair share of cash lying around and a lot of people in the legal world who look up to me. For obvious reasons, I have made sure that absolutely no one ever has any reason to suspect what I am really up to on the weekends. If anyone ever found about this secret double life of mine, it would probably make some waves, to say the least.

WeekendToyJudge

25. Brotherly Love

My secret is that my twin sister and I love each other. In an intimate kind of way. We love each other more than siblings probably should. I’m sure that if people knew about our relationship, it would disgust many of them. That alone would probably ruin a lot of relationships. Our parents and grandparents would probably disown and disinherit us.

Other family members would probably break off all contact with us, and we’d lose a good chunk of our friends. I imagine the news would spread like wildfire amongst our social circles. Our older sister might be the only person in our family who wouldn’t outright condemn us, and I’m not even too sure about that, to be honest.

Sometimes we think about running away to Europe or something, so we can start new lives together with fake identities.

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26. You Always Hurt the Ones You Love

My secret is that I live with enormous guilt because I ruined someone’s life. My first ever girlfriend was really the love of my life. She was the only person that was ever able to finish my sentences, and we bonded over sort of a mutual disdain for the world we lived in. I knew her psyche was fragile and I literally gave her a reason to live while she was institutionalized.

We broke up and she took her own life very soon after. Or at least that’s what I tell people—no one knows the horrible truth. In reality, I cheated on her and she destroyed herself when she found out. She burnt holes through her skin hundreds of times, cut herself, and eventually threw herself off a bridge in a fit of rage.

All of that happened because of me. And this was someone that I loved very deeply. I can’t even imagine what others would think of me if I ever revealed all these facts to anyone. I’ve only told a couple of people that the relationship even happened, but as far as the details? I probably should do so, but I just can’t face that.

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27. Motherly Instinct

My secret is that I lied to everyone about being infertile. For some reason, I enjoy the thrill of letting guys sleep with me without them realizing that they could be getting me pregnant. It feels risky and exciting. I knowingly lie to my partners because I want the forbidden thrill of doing something that I am not supposed to do. You would never know it by my personality, though. This fact haunts me. It would ruin my family.

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28. Out of This World

My secret is that I believe in aliens. Like, to an insane degree. I used to attempt to summon them in an effort to be abducted. I’ve spent countless hours and night upon sleepless night looking up abduction videos and the like online. Every time I think about aliens, I get this adrenaline rush and feel so alive.

I love the thought of hyper-intelligent, spiritually advanced, telepathically inclined beings. I daydream often about being abducted by them, or at least coming into contact with extraterrestrials and getting to interact with them. I know how weird it sounds, but this is truly the way I feel and it is basically a lifelong obsession at this point.

I guess this secret wouldn’t necessarily destroy my life, per se, if it got out. But my family is extremely religious and anything of this nature is a big no-no to them. Plus, if anyone realized how much time and energy I’ve invested into this bizarre interest of mine, I’m pretty sure they would think I was a nut-job and stop being friends with me.

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29. Family Ties

The secret that could destroy me is that my youngest niece is, in all likelihood, my daughter. Yes, this means I slept with my sibling’s spouse. And yes, their child looks exactly like me. For obvious reasons, this fact would cause tremendous stress and shock for every member of my family, and I have no intention of allowing them to ever find out about it.

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30. The End Is Near

My secret is that I was recently diagnosed with cancer. No one knows. I have purposely been hiding it from everyone in my life. My other secret is that I’m honestly hoping it kills me. Everyone around me thinks I’m this happy go lucky person, but I’m really not. Nevertheless, I would rather continue to carry on the facade than have everyone discover the truth about how I feel.

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31. Opening Up

My secret is that I’m asexual. I’m also married to a man who definitely isn’t asexual. My husband knows, obviously, because we’ve been together for years and haven’t slept together yet. But no one else knows. They also don’t know that we’re in an open relationship and that he sleeps with other women, because we both know that’s the one thing I can never give him.

And no, I don’t mind that he sleeps with other people. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It was my idea to have an open marriage, and we have strict rules about it that he’s always followed. We’re both very secure in our relationship. This secret wouldn’t exactly destroy my life, but it would absolutely change the way that everyone saw us.

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32. A Close Shave

My deepest secret is that I once almost had an affair. I have no idea why. I absolutely love my husband and would absolutely hate myself if I had gone through with it. I had no reason to do it. My life and my relationship with him are amazing. Nevertheless, for some reason, I came really close to doing it. If I ever told him about this, I think it would destroy him.

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33. Fat Chance

The secret that would completely destroy my reputation is that I deeply despise fat people. I mean really obese people. When I’m out in public and I see obese people, I insult them in my head for my own amusement. I don’t even know why I do it. It’s not like I don’t understand how hard their situations can be. I guess I just do it anyway…

NotABurner2000

34. Striking Below the Knees

My secret is that I used to poop in my pants until I was about 13 years old. I had no control of my bowels, and the results were extremely gross and embarrassing. My mother knew about this problem, but she was the only one who did. I don’t even want to imagine what would have happened if my fellow students had found out…

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35. Stranger Danger

My secret is that I occasionally, as in pretty much daily, find strangers on the internet, hop on a video chat with them, and engage in role-play with them where I act like a 25-year-old woman who’s into being tied up and taken advantage of. I’m an otherwise straight, average 22-year-old man with no strange quirks at all. I have no idea what’s wrong with me.

NthingToSeeHereFolks

36. What a Ripoff!

Well, I am from India. My secret is that I have evidence of a massive scam that my former company is running. It basically robbed millions of students of a chance at a good livelihood. I was asked to help out with the scam by the company while I was working there. When I said I would not participate, I resigned and the company told me that they would destroy my life if I made it public.

I was only 22 years old at that time and was extremely scared when this all first happened. The owner of the company is very well-connected. He is related to a bunch of powerful officers and they can literally screw over my entire life easily if they want to. Even though I have kept it a secret up to this point, not a single day goes by when I don’t think about the situation.

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37. Alternate Reality

My secret is that I’ve been living inside my head for more than 30 years. What do I mean by that, you wonder? Well, as a child, I made up some kind of fantasy world in my mind to escape from my miserable childhood. I would spend all my time just daydreaming and imagining that I lived in that world. The only problem is that I never fully returned to the real world.

I never got a proper education, since I can’t concentrate for more than a couple of hours before I get distracted and return to my “other reality.” Over the years, I have lost several jobs because I’m not capable of paying attention. I don’t have any kind of social life and generally prefer to just sit in the dark and dream my life away.

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38. On the Run

This is an odd one, but here goes. My secret is my present location. I’m currently estranged from my family and recently got some cash in an insurance settlement. If my mother found out, she’d come running for a share of it so fast that it would break the sound barrier. Light traveling from the sun would be like, “Hey, yo! Slow down!”

I’ve pretty much had to hide the existence of this money from everyone I know. I have basically become a ghost. I moved away from my longtime home and am living in an undisclosed location. Right now, all of my mail comes to a PO box and only three people know the true address of where I’m staying. And I’d like to keep it that way.

And for you enterprising folks who want to track my IP address, don’t bother. I’ve already taken care of that. Everything I do online routes through a cell tower about thirty minutes away from where I actually am. I have no intention of ever resuming my life with my insane family. Not only are we estranged, but my female cousin and I used to sleep together.

That should give you some idea of how messed up our family truly is. As far as the estrangement goes, my father is a convicted felon who preyed on children. His reprehensible behavior took place while my parents were married, and my mother didn’t seem to care too much. I’m my father’s only child. My sister and brother are from my mother’s first marriage.

Those two and my mother never got any kind of therapy to help them cope with what happened. As a result, most of the unresolved anger that they feel towards my father was taken out on me. I’ve paid for my father’s sins for the last 30 years of my life. There was only so much of that treatment I could handle before we finally all went our separate ways.

As far as not sharing the money with my mother, she isn’t owed any of it. I gave up nursing school and a promising career to take care of her when she was diagnosed with cancer. I did everything for her. Then, when I was homeless and had no place else to go, she looked me dead in the eye and said, “So what?” when I came to her desperately begging for help.

Growing up, she emotionally and verbally mistreated me. She also took the three thousand dollars a month that my father paid her in child support, and spent it on her own hobbies instead of on my needs as a child. I grew up wearing rags of clothes until I figured out how to swipe whatever I needed, and then I eventually found employment when I was old enough and began to take care of myself.

As far as why I’m hiding, it’s because I’ve tried to get away from them twice before and was unsuccessful. The first time, I moved half a country away to Florida. My mother hired a private investigator to track me down. She subsequently harassed my then-fiancee and her family until she couldn’t take it anymore and dumped me.

My mother kept the harassment going until I finally caved and moved back to a close enough town where she could mooch off of me. The second time, I moved 50 miles away and she called me on the daily, harassing me and everyone else she could. Again, she was constantly trying to control my life and mooch off of me in any way she could.

My mother is not a good person. She’s been unemployed for over 20 years and lives off of my brother and the government. As far as my internet goes, I have a WiMAX connection that hops from cell tower to cell tower and connects to the internet proper at the nearest major city via fiber op trunk. As I mentioned, thirty miles away from where I actually am.

As far as the cash settlement goes, it was the result of a simple car accident. Some dude rammed into my car going 55 miles per hour while I was stopped by the curb. It was a company truck, and he was clearly at fault. I had no idea how much money I was going to receive as a result of the incident, and I immediately knew I would have to keep it a secret as soon as I found out.

The hiding is the tricky part and I’m sure someone will eventually come along asking for me. My official address is still listed as my mother’s place on all government documents. All of my mail is being double forwarded, first to my friend’s PO box, and then to mine. I use a burner cell phone, and the room I’m renting is paid for in cash under the table.

There’s a lease, but only two copies of it. And the place I’m living at is pretty remote. It’s a 20-minute drive to the nearest Walmart, gas station, fast food restaurant, etc.

Isturma

39. Money (That’s What I Want)

Okay, here goes. My secret is that I cry just about every night because of my financial standings. Nobody knows it, but I am basically broke. I feel like a failure. I work as a line cook making minimum wage and hardly have any money for groceries or for anything personal in my life. I’ve gone hungry, I’ve gone without power and water, and most of the time I feel like my life is worthless.

They say that money can’t buy you happiness, but I can freaking guarantee that if I had some I wouldn’t feel the way I do most nights when I lay down before bed. I’m not here to ask for pity or money. I’m just giving an honest perspective on the way I feel about my life right now. And yet, it remains my biggest secret from the people who know me.

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40. Behind Closed Doors

When I was about nine years old, my oldest sister passed. She was 32 at the time. As a result, her two kids came to live with us. I was a “surprise” child, so all of my siblings are much older than me. My nephew and I began to share a room. He was just a year younger than me. Around the time when I was eleven and he was ten, we started doing…things together.

Obviously, this is a huge secret of mine. Over the years, we started out by cuddling with clothes on, then clothes off, then eventually things escalated even further. We eventually started engaging in this kind of behavior nearly every night. When I went away for college at 18, we never did it again and we haven’t spoken of it since.

As a matter of fact, I don’t remember ever talking about it. One of us would always just give our gesture to the other that we wanted to start, and we would go at it. I’m 21 years old now and in the process of coming out as gay. He identifies as straight and is in a relationship with a girl, but I wonder all the time if it’s just a coverup.

Anyways, we’re the only two people in the entire world who know about this little secret, and I would never dare to even think of telling anyone about it. Not even my closest and most trustworthy best friend, who knows literally everything else about me. Sometimes, I still fear that my nephew might decide to tell someone one day…

In_94

41. Exploration Gone Wrong

My secret is pretty dark and tragic. When I was a kid, I had a friend. Let’s call her Amanda. Well, the two of us were hanging out at a park and right across the street, there was a building planned for demolition. Anyway, the genius in me had the great idea to go inside it and check it out. As we were exploring, the floor caved in beneath us.

Amanda fell down two stories and landed on some debris. She was severely injured. While I caught myself on the first floor, she didn’t make it past the first day in the hospital. I’m still haunted by the memory of her screams and begging for help. Every year, I have a little memorial for her by myself. I still blame myself for causing her demise, and it doesn’t get any easier as more time passes by.

After this incident took place, I slowly started to dull out all my feelings. Now, I can’t seem to care at all about most things. It’s caused me to try and take my own life multiple times. Every time I tell my friends about this, they don’t actually believe that I tried. They all ignore that and say to stop joking about that stuff. But they’ll never know the truth. One day, I hope Amanda can somehow forgive me.

Throwaway-5972

42. An Opportunity to Vent

When I was about six years old, I was super scared of the dark like most six-year-olds are. It was late at night one time and I needed to pee really badly. I was too scared to leave my room when the hallway was dark, though. I had an air vent on the floor near my bed. So, obviously, my six-year-old mind thought it would be a good idea to pee into the vent.

My parents never found out about what I had done, but from that day on they were constantly complaining about the pee smell in our house that they could never seem to locate. If they ever found out that I had caused it for such a stupid reason, I don’t think I could ever live the embarrassment down. I’m taking this secret to my grave.

Derpicusss

43. He Loves Her, He Loves Her Not

My secret is that I want to see my mother pass. I love her very much, but she is such a jerk to her family, her friends, and to society in general. I just can’t stand it anymore. She is almost to the point of abusiveness towards her family. She calls us all stupid all the time and says she wishes that she had never given birth to me or my brother.

She is also a raging drinker, yet everyone seems to just sweep that fact under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist. If she were to pass, it would certainly be heart-wrenching and I will be inconsolable. But a part of me will be very glad that she is finally gone. She had open-heart surgery this time last year. I thought that was going to be the end.

Although I was worried the whole time that I was going to lose my mother, a part of me actively wanted her to not come out of that surgery room. The reason this secret would destroy my life if it got out is that I would be completely disowned by my whole family and all of her friends. To the point where I would have to move out of state to be able to start life anew.

Because my mom knows everyone in this town that I currently live in, she could easily get me fired from pretty much any job just because of her connections. And she also has control of my bank account as of right now, due to the fact that she created it for me when I was only 15 years old. I plan on changing that this week, though.

Sadly, she has control over every facet of my life, and she could screw me over hard if my wish for her demise ever got out.

BiGuy1993

44. Saved by the Bread

My secret is that when I was nine years old, I was planning to shoot up my school. I planned it for months. I brought all my stepdad’s weapons and ammunition in my school bag, and most assuredly would have gone through with it. But then, the girl I liked gave me half of her sandwich at lunch. This blew my mind, as she had never even bothered to speak to me before.

This put me in a rare good mood, and I decided not to go through with my original plans as a result. I later found out that the reason she had given it to me was that it had fallen on the ground, and then someone spat on it as a joke before she gave it to me. I frequently regret that I didn’t follow through with my plans…

ashinynewthrowaway

45. Hard to Believe

My secret is that I am an atheist. I also live in Saudi Arabia. It’s not exactly legal to be an atheist in Saudi Arabia. I actually might get executed by the government if my secret ever gets out to the public. So far, I have never told anyone and I never plan to, either. This seemingly harmless little secret could quite literally destroy my life.

Pullaroad

46. Footing the Bill

I’m a guy who is very into other people’s feet. That is my greatest secret in the world. I have never even told my own wife about it, even though she has amazing feet. But it gets worse. I have a weird twist to this interest of mine. The thing that really turns me on is what I call “pedal pumping,” as in watching someone’s feet as they motion like they would when pedaling a bicycle.

I guess that’s the best way I can describe it. I’m mortified to tell my wife or anyone else about this, and I never have. When I was a little kid, I spent a lot of time at church during the week for my mom’s choir practices. There was this decent looking piano player lady who would always kick off her shoes and play the piano barefoot.

Even though I knew nothing about myself at the time, I remember spending many Saturday afternoons up on the stage or by the pulpit during boring choir practices, laying on the carpet, playing with toy cars, and trying not to make it seem glaringly obvious that I was transfixed on watching this lady’s barefoot pushing on that piano pedal.

I remember getting very excited while watching this, and wishing so much that I was that piano pedal, on the floor, with her amazing foot pushing down on me. I was totally transfixed, and the feeling continues to this day. I can never control myself when I see women playing pianos, organs, driving barefoot, or using a sewing machine barefoot.

My fantasies usually always involve me imagining myself as the pedal, and the woman as sporting a bare, nylon, or sock-clad foot. If it’s a smelly foot, I like that even better. Don’t ask me why. I have no logical explanation for it. I feel guilty and stupid about this whole thing to this day. Why on earth would a feeling like that develop when I was just an innocent little kid?

shhhimapedal

47. Vengeance Is Mine

My grandfather took advantage of me from the ages of eight through 12. I had to go to his place after school every day to be babysat until my parents were done work. I told my mom after about six months or so. Her response was, “Don’t tell your dad, it would really hurt him.” It was my paternal grandfather who was doing this.

I gave up on trying to tell anyone else about it for a year or so. Then, I told my cousin, who is four years older than I am. Her response was anger, and asking me how I could dare to speak out against our grandfather in that way. That was the last time I tried to tell anyone about what he had done. But it was far from the end of the story…

Fast forward to when I was 16 years old. My grandfather had a stroke and was in the hospital with pneumonia. He was lying in his hospital bed with an oxygen mask on. The whole extended family went to visit him together on one particular day. I don’t remember what the occasion was exactly, but we were all there and hanging out as a group.

My uncle was in the hallway with my baby cousin, and at one point he called everyone out there to come and look, because she was starting to take her first steps. So, everyone gathered in the doorway facing out, or in the hall, and I was left sitting in a chair, on my own, beside my grandfather’s bed. He started coughing. I leaned over and took his oxygen mask off.

It was so surreal. He was gasping, and my heart was pounding. I was waiting for someone to turn around and see or hear him, but they were all intent on watching my little cousin and they were all being so loud. It only took a couple of minutes, but it felt like hours. I put the mask back on his face when I knew he had passed.

I waited a couple of minutes, and then yelled for my dad to come in because “grandpa looked weird.” I remember my face was burning hot, thinking holy heck. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I figured they had to know. Someone is going to know for sure! But nope. No one knew. And no one has ever found out. This remains my deepest secret by far.

Paprikaonpizza

48. Secret Liaisons

A really good lifelong buddy of mine dropped out of college after the 2001 attacks and joined the army to help protect our nation. He completed three tours in Iraq, got married, had a kid, and all was great for him. His mom was the type that was always close to his friends because they reminded her of him while he was away.

Because of that, us guys would take her out and keep her company, as a group. One day, she called me up and asked me to go out and have a drink with her. She had apparently found some pictures or whatever of her son and me from childhood that she couldn’t wait to share. We met up at a local watering hole for a couple drinks and a few laughs.

She kept feeding me drinks and, before I could say that it was time for me to head out, she had her hands on me and was very forward. I admit it wasn’t a decision that I was capable of making at that time, so I went with what felt good. We went back to my house and slept together. It was one of the craziest experiences of my life.

For obvious reasons, I have kept this a secret and never told anyone about it. Tragically, my buddy lost his life in Iraq just a few months after this incident. I am a horrible person.

Disposer1134

49. Risky Business

My secret is that I’ve been sleeping with my boss’s wife for four and a half years. We’ve never been caught by anyone, and I don’t even think anyone suspects anything. They have a totally dead bedroom, or at least that’s what she’s always told me. I believe her. They never go away on anniversary weekends or even do any date nights.

She says that, most nights, he’ll fall asleep way earlier than her, and she’ll sleep in a different room. That’s comforting to me because I love her. It all started about three months after she got hired to work in the office at the warehouse where we work. He is the warehouse manager and I am the second shift supervisor. Our plant runs 24 hours, or three shifts a day.

She works in the sales office. I was working in the office and trained her to take my position, as I was moving on to become the plant supervisor. She started hitting on me right out of the gates, but I didn’t think it was anything more than a flirtatious personality. She was out of my league from my perspective, not to mention married to the guy who was about to be my direct boss.

But after a few months, she was straightforward about pretty much telling me all the things she wanted to do to me and let me do to her. For a while, I was strictly, “No. I don’t get involved with married women. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, deal with that.” But they have two kids and she wanted to keep the family together.

He’s a good father and they live a pretty comfortable life. Slowly, she wore me down. I live about three miles away from the plant. She comes over a minimum of three days a week on her lunch break. We usually see each other both Saturday and Sunday, too. Though, not always. We are friends on Facebook, but never like each other’s stuff or send messages. Now, it’s starting to destroy my life.

When I see new family pics of them together, I burn with rage. When we do company stuff or have cookouts and she stands near him or sits with him and he touches her, all I can do is struggle to contain my seething anger at the whole situation. I usually overcome it by rationalizing to myself that I’m actually the monster in this situation.

Then, I get angry at myself. But I can get over it quickly because, eventually, I always redirect that anger towards her, too. She always knows I’m angry, and the next day she’ll come over and make it up to me. Six months ago, the situation got even more complicated. My boss’ boss, who is a regional director about five hours away, put in his retirement.

He will be retiring in three months. My boss is definitely getting his spot. Their house is going up for sale soon and they’ll be moving. I am the one poised to take his position here at this plant. If my secret relationship gets discovered at any point from here on, I’m sure I will be forced to resign and the fallout would be ruinous for all parties.

Of course, she’s moving away with him. I can rationally say that we’ll all be better off. But I truly love her and would do just about anything to have this play out in my favor somehow. In the end, though, it may already have ruined me. When I sit alone and think about it, I absolutely hate myself for all of this and have for a long time.

Lying and cheating are not a part of my DNA. That I’ve been able to keep it up for so long makes me feel evil. In a lot of ways, I hope I never forgive myself so that I’m the only person that ever gets hurt by me. I can’t wait until she’s gone, yet I would give anything for her to stay. I never want to see her again. Yet she’ll be here in about an hour.

cheaterthaway

Sources: 1, 2

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