When people are rude, it’s easy to shrink back and say nothing to them, but it’s oh-so-satisfying to finally give them a taste of their own medicine. These witty, scathing, and instant comebacks did exactly that, and they put more than one jerk in their place. Get ready to take notes on these brilliant burns the next time somebody deserves it.
1. A Cutting Remark
My grandparents used to bicker. My grandmother generally came out on top, as she was fierier. One time though, she was asking him to do a bunch of stuff, and he muttered, “If you’d lose some weight, you could do it yourself.” She fixed her gaze on him and glowered, “I’m thinking of getting rid of about 200 pounds of useless fat immediately…” He replied, “You’re going to cut off your foot?”
2. The Fast And The Farcical
I was riding in a car with one of my buddies and he was way over the speed limit on a pretty empty county highway. To give you some idea, he was going 90ish with a 55 mph limit. Well, suddenly we hear a patrol car behind us and we pull over. The officer walks up to the window and says in a country accent with a grin on his face, “Boy, I’ve been waiting for you all day.”
The driver of the car, my friend, didn’t even hesitate for a second before he retorted: “Sorry officer, I got here as fast as I could.” The officer was in tears for the next 20 seconds, laughing uncontrollably. My friend got off with a warning and the officer told him that was the first time anyone had made him laugh that hard while he was on duty.
3. Music To My Ears
Back in high school, I was in the orchestra, and we went on several big national trips each year. One year, a group of upper classmen were busted for carousing in their hotel room. Everyone except one guy was suspended and prohibited to attend future trips. The one guy who wasn’t in trouble apparently hid in the shower and played dumb, and they believed him.
So, a week later the entire orchestra is practicing with the teaching assistant when our conductor enters the practice room, and in front of the entire 114 members of the orchestra, says, “Jason, all your friends ratted you out. They’re mad. I’m mad. You played me like a fiddle.” Jason’s reply was unforgettable. “That’s what I play,” Jason replied, raising his violin.
4. He Just Got Schooled
Back in the tenth grade, we had a long term substitute physics teacher. He was a younger guy, so the tough guys in the class wanted to basically have a private part measuring contest with him like daily. They constantly made fun of him and joked about his wife, trying to make themselves feel cooler or more manly or whatever.
One day, I didn’t hear the start of the conversation, but one kid said something to him like, “I’m gonna bury my face in your wife’s chest.” The teacher had obviously had enough at this point, and he immediately came back with, “No, the only Ds you’re ever going to see are your grades.” The class exploded with laughter. Nobody ever told on the teacher for making that comment, and the guys stopped messing with him from that point on.
5. Family Rude
I still think about this comeback to this day. I have two little brothers, and it was my dad’s birthday, so the semi-extended family was all at a restaurant to celebrate. I had just graduated from my dad’s alma mater, and my middle brother was currently a junior there. However, my youngest brother, a freshman, had opted to go to a state school.
At one point my uncle said, “So [youngest brother], how does your dad feel about you breaking the trend of men going to the alma mater?” My little brother thought about it for a moment and then said, “Well, he probably doesn’t mind, considering I also broke the trend of not being able to get higher than a 3.0.” The table absolutely exploded in laughter and whooping.
My other brother and I just stared at each other across the table, like oh my god, did we just get crushed? It’s especially funny because my little brother was one of those shy high school kids who went off to college and then suddenly came back fun and socially confident. I was hoping that development would happen, I just never expected it to stab me in the face.
6. A Royal Affair
I once witnessed an intoxicated customer throwing a temper tantrum against the seafood counter clerk at the grocery store. She was angry about not being treated like a queen while she was shopping. She shouted: “You don’t start trouble with a 54-year-old woman!!” The seafood counter clerk replied: “What does your daughter have to do with this?”
7. Pounding The Pavement
My club had a Secret Santa gift exchange one year in college. One guy got a collection of British currency, which was perfect since he liked to collect foreign bills and coins. Some girl made a rude comment about it being a stupid gift. Cue my mouth running off before my brain could stop it. It was totally worth it, though.
In the heat of the moment, I let out an incredible comeback. I said: “Karen, don’t be rude. He just didn’t want you to be the only one who gained 20 pounds this semester!” Pandemonium ensued as her boyfriend tried to pick a fight with me, while she herself burst into tears. It was not the best day for our club…
8. Can’t Pay, Won’t Play
When I worked at a pizza shop, a troublesome customer was trying to stack coupons that clearly stated, “One coupon per purchase.” After every single one of us in the restaurant refused him, including the owner, he made this long angry rant about how the district attorney was his cousin and threatened us with a lawsuit.
As he was heading for the door, he said, “You can’t afford to mess with me!” I shouted after him, “You can’t even afford a large pizza!”
9. Her Motherly Instincts
The class clown of all my schoolmates, let’s call him K, was known notoriously for angering teachers with crude, obscene, and insulting jokes. Well, one day, K decided to ask a teacher who was in her 30s, “Miss, have you ever had a baby?” The teacher replied to that with a simple no. But that’s not where the story ended.
K then said to the teacher, with a face that only appears on the stupidest of people, “Well, I could give you one!” This caused a few giggles from across the class. The corners of the teacher’s mouth curled into a smile and, with grace, she walked over to her desk and said “No thanks, K. I don’t want to adopt you!” This caused the whole class to erupt into laughter.
K kept his mouth shut for the rest of that year in English class. This is still one of the best comebacks that I’ve ever heard. So simple, yet so powerful.
10. What’s In A Name?
I once had a supervisor who was making fun of a guy’s last name. The guy just took it and didn’t really say anything in return. When he was done, the supervisor asked him to email him something and the guy wanted to clarify the spelling of the supervisor’s last name, which was Winsor. He said, “Your name doesn’t have a D in it, right?” The supervisor said no. So the guy said, “Ok, so just -ouchebag then.” And walked away.
11. The Student Becomes The Master
Senior year of high school I took AP English. The AP English teacher and I got along swimmingly; we both had similar senses of humor and cynical views of the world. Great guy. He was around 30 years old, grew up in the South but moved to Montana to get away, became a Buddhist, started balding, and found a wife. He just became a father, too.
I want to say the third or fourth week of school we were discussing Metamorphosis and I was the only one in the class that made the argument that helping other people was bad because then they were reliant upon you. I was trolling, and my teacher poked fun at me for it in front of the class. I didn’t mind at all, but he apologized in front of the class and told everyone that I could make fun of him once in payback.
Flash forward eight months to the last week of school. We had already taken the AP test so we were just doing some stupid paper. My teacher said he’d give us extra credit if we spoke in front of the class, so I was the first one up. I wasn’t nervous at all in all honesty, but I started off poorly and started to stumble. My teacher glances over to me and says “See class, talking in front of you ain’t easy,” to which I responded “Yeah, I’d go bald too.”
12. Locked-In Opinion
My best friend had just found out that his wife was cheating on him. She left the house to stay with her new boyfriend. To say I never liked her would be a big understatement, and I offered to swing by with some new locks and install them, so that he wouldn’t have to worry about her coming in and then cleaning him out.
We decided to go and play some golf. The entire round, this woman just kept calling and berating him for changing the locks. We finished the round, and he made arrangements to meet her at the house to get her junk. Once she arrived, he asked that I sit with her so that she couldn’t take anything while he got her stuff. We were sitting there not saying much when she said, “I guess you think that I’m a witch now?” I told her, “My opinion of you hasn’t changed.”
13. Prepare For Landing
This guy back in grade school was really into history and building army models. He was constantly building little model fighter jets, aircraft carriers, and other things like that. He was quiet and smart, but also very handsome and part of the main crowd. He was athletic and very social, but also very much a history buff. Interesting guy.
At a party one night, for whatever reason, he got into some kind of an argument with one of the hotter and more popular girls in our class. The greatest comeback I’ve ever heard came next. The girl said: “Whatever Dan, why don’t you go play with your model planes?” The guy immediately responded, without missing a beat: “Great idea, I can land them on your flat chest!”
The reaction from the crowd added insult to injury. Everyone instantly went bonkers, as if they had just witnessed a walk off home-run in a playoff baseball game. Never have I heard a more savage and perfectly timed comeback before or since. And that goes for both real and scripted ones. People definitely thought twice before picking a fight with that guy again!
14. Can’t Have Everything
I dated this girl for 10 months who was sort of a train wreck, but it was kind of understandable because she spent her entire childhood in the foster system and didn’t speak to any of her family. She was ultimately abusive and cheated on me with a guy we’ll call Derek. A couple months after the break up, she texted me.
“Just wanted you to know I’m sleeping with Derek again right now and he’s way better than you.” I texted back, “That’s cool, I’m having dinner with my family who loves me so I guess we’ve both got reason to be jealous.”
15. Sass In Stereo
The president of a company I worked for a few years back has the best story about his mom. She was a school teacher and didn’t have a lot of money, but she had saved meticulously and purchased a Cadillac using cash. A stipulation of the sale was that she did absolutely not want the stock speakers in the vehicle; she wanted a good sound system.
But looking down on her car after picking it up, she could see into the rear window and noticed immediately that the speakers were definitely stock. She returned to the dealership the next day to confront the salesman. For whatever reason, this guy copped a serious attitude and claimed that she hadn’t asked for higher-grade speakers. She gave a classic response.
Totally deadpan, she goes, “Why don’t you go get me your boss. I know you have a boss.” She returned the vehicle and purchased one from a separate dealership.
16. Like Father, Like Son
Before you read on, please know that my relationship with my 14-year-old son is built on giving each other a hard time. It’s just the way we always operate. One time, I had said a swear word. I don’t remember which one it was or why I had said it. Either way, my son reacted instantly by saying: “You’re a horrible mother!”
My reply to that was: “If I’m such a horrible mother, then how did you turn out so awesome?” Without a second thought, he immediately came back with: “I spent a lot of time with Dad!” Wow. Even though he completely roasted me, I have to admit that this was one of the funniest and wittiest comebacks I have ever heard.
17. Fun With Dick And Jane
Here’s my favorite self-burn. In high school math class, there was this nice, nerdy guy named Richard. The jerk of the class, let’s call him John, keeps calling Richard “Dick.” Like, “Hey, Dick, did you get the answer to #4?” Richard keeps calmly saying “It’s Richard.” Finally, the teacher says, “Richard, what do you prefer to be called?”
Richard says, “I prefer Richard.” John says, “Well, I prefer Dick.” After a few seconds of uproarious laughter from the rest of the class, John realized what he said and sunk as far down into his seat as possible and never bugged Richard again. We were teenagers in the 80s, so this really was the height of hilarity in class.
18. Go Big Or Go Home
Contracting in Iraq, we were headed to a party at one of the security company compounds. As we were entering and they were checking our credentials, the dude checking our names asked us if we were carrying anything dangerous. Jess, this girl who weighed like a buck soaking wet, flexed her arms and said, “Just these.” Without missing a beat, the guy pointed and said, “The small arms repair shop is around the corner.”
19. Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
My former friend was 12 years my senior and she was super into herself, just really vain. The weirdest part was, she was OK, but I doubt anyone was losing sleep over her. For one, she dressed waaaaaay too young, trying to hold on to her youth. One day, she pointed out that I was overweight and dumpy-looking next to her.
I’d finally had enough, since she made these comments often, and I said, “Well what about you?” “Excuse me?!” she snapped, “I have the body of a 22-year-old!” I couldn’t help it. I had to smash her. “Well give it back,” I replied, “You’re stretching it out.”
20. So Many Calls, So Little Time
In high school, there was a jerk who was a local star athlete. He was pretty much the classic “high school cool athlete jerk” stereotype. His attempts to pick on people at school were usually pretty lame, but people always laughed at them anyway because he was cool, and you always laugh at what the cool kid says. He liked to do the “An 80-year old woman called, she wants her upper back strength back!” type of jokes.
He also wanted to go to Cornell on a wrestling scholarship really badly. Not only did he not end up getting the scholarship, but he also didn’t get accepted to Cornell. So one day, when he was in the middle of one of his “So and so called…” routines, I knew exactly what to say to absolutely devastate him. I yelled, “Hey, Cornell called. Oh wait, never mind, no they didn’t!”
21. Who’s Your Daddy?
My dad likes to jokingly say that I’m his favorite daughter. The whole joke is that we both know I’m his only daughter. One day, I was in a savage kind of mood and, when he made this joke, I responded with: “That’s nice. You’re only my second favorite dad though.” Naturally, he asked: “Who’s your favorite dad?” I said “Ask mom.”
22. The Long And Winding Line
I remember some guy told me a story a couple of years ago about this encounter he had in a grocery store. He was behind this woman who was giving the cashier a bunch of grief over something or other. She was being a real chump. Finally, sick of her attitude, he spoke up and told her to lighten up and stop holding up the line.
At this point, he’s also getting kind of angry that she’s double barreling this kid who’s done nothing wrong. So, she whips around on him and says: “This is none of your darn business!” He responded with: “Listen, lady. I’m a veterinarian. Female dogs are my business!”
23. Dancing Up A Storm
When I was 13 years old, I was in a dance class with some older, catty girls. One of them was constantly picking on me. One day, that ended with her remarking, “Bite me.” I responded with, “Thanks, but I’m trying to cut out fat from my diet.” The entire dance team heard this comment and proceeded to chastise me for being so mean to her. It served her right, though.
24. Getting A Jump On Things
It was Friday night, and my friend Sam had just arrived by car to our mutual friend Max’s place to hang out. We were chatting and waiting for Max before unloading Sam’s car since he was going to sleep at Max’s place for a few days. Max came over and did a Starsky-and-Hutch move where he slid on the front of the car without any damage.
Everybody was okay with it, but a car that was passing stopped and two enforcement men came out. They asked us what we were doing and asked for Max’s ID. We explained that it was Sam’s car and that no harm was done. They checked our IDs, and everything was okay, but they wouldn’t drop it. So we taught them a lesson.
The guy went, “Even if it’s your buddy’s car, you shouldn’t do that even as a joke. I’m sure you’d be annoyed if someone jumped on your car, right?” Max answered, “I don’t have a car.” The guy went, “Well, you wouldn’t like it if he’d jump on your PlayStation then, right?” “I don’t have a PlayStation either,” Max said.
Annoyed, he asked, “Okay, then what do you have?” Max said, “A trampoline.” He didn’t catch it and went, “And I bet you wouldn’t like it if he jumped on your…” Just as he realized he was falling for the bait; he went silent and then visibly mad. They went back in their car and drove away. That was a splendid comeback.
25. Providing The Feature Attraction
One time, I was out with friends in a movie theater and, while I forget what the movie was exactly, it was apparent that we were the oldest people there to see it. While waiting for the previews to start, someone in the back made a noise. Then, someone else repeated the noise. Then two more did so. This kept going on and on.
I was starting to get very annoyed, so I eventually turned around and said “Jeeze, this is getting old!” When the noise finally stopped a few moments later, a little kid who was sitting a couple of rows behind me shouted out “So are you!” Well, I guess I walked right into that one! So yes, I got roasted by a child. Touché, you little jerk!
25. Child’s Play
I’m a girl. This story is one of the proudest moments of my life. When I was 17 years old, a 12-year-old boy came up to me to try and ask me out. What went down next was my greatest comeback of all time. The kid said: “Hey babe, can I have your number?” I responded with: “Why, do you need a babysitter?” That one definitely put him in his place.
26. Proving Him Wrong
I had a really witty teacher for my game design class, but the vice-principal hated him for whatever reason. One day, we were all studiously working with our headphones on and programming away while our teacher was sitting up at the front reading a book. He was very clearly available and approachable if we had any questions.
Nevertheless, the VP walked into the room and lost his mind. He said: “It has come to my attention that you have absolutely no control over this class! This is unacceptable.” My teacher then gave him a fairly nonchalant stare, cooly and calmly placed his book down, and clapped his hands loudly three times, which was his very effective way of getting our attention while we were listening to music.
Mind you, the following occurred without us knowing why the VP was there or what he had said. The teacher then said: “Ok class, listen up. I have an exercise for you. This will only take a few moments. First and foremost, everybody stand up.” We all stood up in near unison, very quickly. The teacher then said: “Good job.”
He continued, while pointing his finger at the VP: “Now, I want all of you to leave the room and stand outside in the hallway and, no matter what this guy says, do not come back in the room until I say so. Ok, go!” We all exited the room, a little intrigued by what was going on. The teacher said: “Ok, Mr. VP. Bring them back into the classroom” We didn’t budge. To this day, this is one of my favorite stories to tell.
27. Grandma’s Still Got It
My grandma asked my cousin, who’d had lots of partners and two kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married. Cousin: It’s not the same nowadays. We don’t buy cars without test-driving them first. Grandma, without hesitation: Yeah, but they don’t let you put a hundred thousand miles on them, either. Point goes to Granny.
28. People In Glass Houses…
I was 14 or 15 and had a quiet nerdy friend with really bad acne. My older brother had these three friends, all brothers, who were all older than my friend and me. They all thought they were real tough guy types. My friend and I walked in the front door one day, and my brother and his friends were all sitting at the TV playing Halo.
One of the brothers, who had a slight stutter, looked at my friend and said “Oh my god Sam, I got two words for you: ACNEE PADS.” Sam replied, “Cool and I got two words for you Johnny: SPEECH THERAPY” He jumped right up and started trying to fight my friend. As long as I could remember after that, he wanted to fight Sam, but we just ignored them.
29. Getting It Off Your Chest
I’m still really proud of this one. A boy was walking out of the English class as I was walking in. We met at the doorway and were chest-to-chest. He looks me in the eye and says, “When are you going to grow some breasts?” Without missing a beat, I replied stone-faced, “Donate yours.” Then I proceeded to proudly walk to my desk with a big smile.
30. That’s A Whopper
My wife tends to get mean when she’s had a few drinks. Not like start a fight mean, more like destroy everyone’s egos mean. We were winding down at a party one time, and she was very much in the mood to get everyone going. Most of us can’t even remember how the conversation ended up with my chubby friend insulting my wife’s lack of chest.
He began implying that she should go buy herself some implants. My wife then says: “But those are expensive!” My chubby friend agrees. He cups his male chest and jokingly says, “Yea, these did cost me quite a bit.” My wife then closes out the night by replying, “Just how much did you have to spend at Burger King for a chest like that?”
31. This Story Is Rated PG-13
My sister was 13 years old at the time. She was fighting with my little brother, who is three years older than her, and he was being aggressive and mean. Suddenly, she clearly yells from across the house, “I’d call you a dick but you’re so fake you’re a dildo!” My mom and I were together in the kitchen, just dumbstruck.
My mom yells at her, “GO TO YOUR ROOM!” My sister goes upstairs, but my mom has tears in her eyes, choking back laughter. We both were like, “Where did she learn that?!” I told EVERYONE I knew at the time. I called it The Sickest Burn of all Time. It’s still so beautiful, and I still have no idea where she got it from.
32. Im-Post-er Delivery
One time my boss was on stage for a meeting and explaining some issues the shipping company was facing with shipment times, which meant that we would need to adjust our shipping ETAs. Then this one especially outspoken employee raised his hand and asked him, “So, like, when are things going to be like they should be?”
To which my boss responded, “I don’t know. When are you going to be like you were in your interview?” And then the whole place went nuts.
33. Getting In Your Head
A buddy and I were at a party in this rural university town around an hour from where we grew up. It was a fairly big party, and there were tons of people there including a few guys who played football against my buddy. Everything was going well; it was getting late, and my girlfriend came to pick me up, so I took off.
Soon after, I got the phone call—and my blood ran cold. Things had turned bad after I left, and somebody sucker-punched my friend. The way he fell caused his skull to fracture, and he had to be evacuated by helicopter to the city where he underwent hours of surgery. He had to endure a brutal, brutal recovery period for the next year or two.
They didn’t know if he’d ever be able to play sports again, much less a concussive sport like football. Against all odds, by the time his school in a different rural university town was having its homecoming, he’d trained so hard that he went back on the field a year and a half later for his fourth year of eligibility.
At their homecoming game, they played against the team that rostered the dude who had hit him, “Punchy.” My buddy’s team obliterated Punchy’s team the whole afternoon and ended up winning by a couple touchdowns with a particularly gifted performance by my friend. Later that night, we were at the bar drinking like fish.
We were celebrating such a big win, and ultimately, his return to being successful at football. Later in the evening, we looked up, and who should come swaggering over to the table but Punchy and a couple of his boys. My friend and I both stood up along with one of the D-linemen on his team; we were ready for whatever.
After the usual macho back-and-forth trash-talking, Punchy leaned in with a smirk and asked my buddy, “How’s your head?” Without even missing a beat, my buddy took a quick crow hop forward and HEADRAMMED Punchy square in the face. We heard a huge crack, and then Punchy immediately hit the floor and began leaking blood.
The rest of the night predictably turned to disaster, but before the chaos ensued, my buddy stood over Punchy and replied, “You tell me.”
34. Boy Trouble
This was an exchange between two co-workers a few years back. Michael had only ever slept with one person, who was their previous boyfriend who they were still obsessed with. Michael was also really judgy. Sharon was the opposite and would bang a different person every week. Michael: “I can’t believe how many people you’ve slept with, I don’t understand how people can get it on with someone they aren’t in love with.”
Sharon: “Well your ex-boyfriend seemed to manage it okay.” Michael: total silence.
35. No Holes In This Victory
I was a camp counselor for a few years at a summer camp. One day, my group took a hike to a large rock where we had lunch. My campers were between eight and 10 years old. This one kid we’ll call Jeff keeps poking another kid we’ll call Matt in my group to “look at this hole in the rock, it’s so cool, it’s like six inches deep.”
Matt is clearly getting annoyed and is just trying to eat his lunch. Jeff keeps shoving sticks into the hole and trying to get everybody to look at it. Finally, Matt just puts down his sandwich, looks at Jeff, and starts to speak. His words stunned me. He goes, “I’ll be six inches deep in your mom later if you don’t shut up.” I was trying so hard to be stern with this kid for saying something so inappropriate, but I kept cracking up.
36. Putting It In Writing
When I was a high school teacher, our assistant principal was caught having an affair. She divorced her husband, but all of the students heard about it. A few weeks later, a kid hung a banner in the school hallway that read “I can’t cheat in school, but ‘Mrs. So and So’ can cheat on her husband? Cool.” Pretty good comeback from a 16-year-old…
37. A Regular Prankster
I work at a hotel. A few years ago, this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something, but she wasn’t getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of poop (she didn’t use that word.) Our security officer replied immediately, “No I’m not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity.” But he wasn’t done yet.
At this time, I was about to bust up laughing so I had to excuse myself to the back office, and as I was leaving I heard him continuing on with this lady, “But I promise I eat a healthy diet full of fiber. It warms my heart to know you’re concerned with me having regular bowel movements. So the next time I’m constipated, I’ll know you’re thinking of me.”
It continued on and on, and all the more he’s playing this straight and it’s making the lady madder and madder, and I’m in the back laughing so hard I’m nearly crying. After that spiel was over, she didn’t give us any more problems the rest of the night.
38. Belt It Out, Granny
My dear grandmother. She had a quick and savage wit. My fiancé and I held a “meet the whole family” get-together at my house. It was the first time his father met my grandmother. His dad was a large, physically intimidating man with a beer gut. He began telling stories to my grandmother about how my fiancé was a mischief-maker when he was young.
He then told my grandmother how he would take off his belt and whip him for being bad. My frail little grandmother stares directly at my husband’s dad’s tummy and says, “Your belt? However could you find it?” Future father-in-law was gobsmacked.
39. Foot In Mouth
Many years ago, when we were about 18, a friend of mine was arguing with another person we knew. This person was trying to be a tough guy and intimidate my buddy. He says “My feet are registered.” Without missing a beat, my friend replies, “Where? Health & Sanitation?” I still crack up at this whenever it comes to mind.
40. In Her Natural Habitat
I had a very witty teacher in high school who was definitely my favorite guy. One day in class, a girl was making a big deal about having to use the restroom 2 minutes after class began, so after arguing, the teacher finally let her leave. She was back in class 15 minutes later disrupting the class with her yelling.
“Oh my god, you’ll never guess what just happened in the hallway!” Then she started and went on and on about something stupid. Meanwhile our teacher was just staring at her for rudely interrupting his lecture and disrupting the class. She stopped mid-sentence and then asked the teacher, “Uh, why are you staring at me?”
Without missing a beat, he replied, “Why do people go to the zoo?” I couldn’t help but burst out laughing mostly because I disliked that girl, but it was a great moment.
41. A Boy Only A Mother Could Love
When I was in middle school many years ago, a guy was teasing an awkward kid about not being able to get girls, being “gay,” and never being able to get laid. Another guy spoke up and said, “Dude, you ain’t had a woman since a woman had you.” The entire class and the teacher started laughing. The original guy shut the heck up.
42. Between A Rock And A Hard Place
One of the more memorable ones was back in 8th grade. For context, I didn’t make the basketball team in 7th grade, but I made the team in 8th grade. This kid who was on the team the previous year but didn’t make it currently was really upset and telling me how bad I am and all this stuff trying to tear me down to make himself feel better.
I told him that if he is better than me, then why didn’t he make the team? He replied with “It’s just cause of my grades, bro.” So I replied with, “Oh, so you’re just stupid then?” He gave up because it was either accept that he was bad or accept he was an idiot, so…
43. Hit The Books
I was 13 years old, and carrying a bunch of books for the teacher at school. Some joker thought it was funny to pretend to fall right in front of me. I told him: “Don’t fall for me man.” My whole book-carrying crew and his prank crew all started bursting into laughter. I didn’t even register what had happened until much later.
44. We’re Not Going To Take It
My brother was in his history class that just happened to have accumulated all the really disruptive and not-so-intelligent kids. They’d constantly interrupt and make the class a nightmare, and the teacher didn’t really do anything about it. One day, a girl who had caused a ton of problems acted up in the usual way to derail the class and he had had enough.
He turned to her and told her to shut up, and she flipped. The teacher told her to be careful what she says to him, because she might be working for him one day. My brother turns to the teacher and goes, “Nah, I don’t plan on being a pimp.” The class loses it, the teacher has to step out from laughing, and that girl apparently didn’t bother my brother for the rest of the year.
45. Generational Blessings
On Thanksgiving, my entire family was sitting around talking, and somebody brought up the subject of winning contests. One of my brothers looked at me and snarked, “Oh yeah, what was the last thing you ever won?” I looked around the room at all my blood relatives and answered, “By the looks of it, the genetic lottery.”
46. Audio Issues
The greatest comeback I ever saw was when an old man was complaining about his grandson’s rowdy behavior. The grandpa rudely said something like “You know, back in my day, children were seen but not heard!” The grandson immediately responded with “Yea, so were the movies!” I started laughing my head off after that one.
47. The Mile High Flub
Air Traffic Control was doing a poor job of leading a plane in for landing. Pilot: “You’ve left us too high, I don’t think we can make the approach.” ATC: “You’ve got speed brakes on that thing, don’t you?” Pilot: (After a noticeable pause) “Yes, but those are for my mistakes, not yours.” The whole room went eerily quiet after that.
48. And The Winner Is…
A female friend of mine once said: “In the future, I think I’ll just meet some rich doctor and become a trophy wife for the rest of my life.” My male friend replied with: “But they don’t give out trophies for last place!” Our jaws all dropped, and we couldn’t help bursting out into laughter. That has to be the funniest comeback I’ve ever heard.
49. The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far
My friend told me about this one. Apparently, this was an actual exchange between two people at work that he had overheard. A guy came in, saw his friend, and said “Hey buddy! How’s your wife and my kid?” Without even thinking twice about it, his friend replied “The wife is doing great, but the kid is an imbecile!” Just a total burn.
50. Not Getting Any Younger
My eight-year-old wins this one. We were moving to a new house from an apartment and I told her she would have more responsibilities (aka chores) when we moved because the house was bigger and she was old enough to do more chores. I said: “Let’s make a list of the chores you can do when we move. When I was a kid my chores were…” She interrupted me to reply: “What? Churning the butter?”
51. Je Ne Sais Quois
I have an issue learning spoken language. So, when I started French, I was doing horribly despite how hard I was working. During a parent-teacher conference, my French teacher told my parents that I was incapable of learning French. I was blown away by my dad’s reply. My dad leaned in and said: “Madame, there are mentally handicapped children in France who are capable of learning French. He is capable of learning, you’re just incapable of teaching.”
52. One For The Road
I was getting a lift from my boss when there was a bit of a road rage incident. This guy pulls out in front of us and my boss had to brake. He honks the horn at this guy, and the guy leans out the window and calls my boss (who is a bit chunky) a “fattie.” My boss shouts over: “I’m only fat because every time I sleep with your mother she bakes me a cake.”
53. The Winds Of Change
When I was seven, I was at a crowded McDonald’s near Disneyland. I tried to squeeze through the really long line that was waiting to order food and I accidentally bumped into this woman with her two kids. She turned to me and said in her most sarcastic and accusing voice, “Well excuuuuse me.” My seven-year-old self responded with the most hilarious thing I could think of.
“Why, did you fart?” A few people in line laughed and I continued on my way. She did not look pleased to be told off by a seven-year-old. To this day, I have no idea why I said it, but I’m really glad I did.
54. Work Hard, Play Soft
I work in construction, and a lot of the guys are exactly what you would expect from construction workers. There was one particularly loud one on this job. He would always go on about drinking and how much he drinks and the ensuing consequences. He went so far as to say he’s never sold a car; he wrecks them, usually while driving under the influence.
I just recently purchased a house, and another guy was asking me about it. The loud guy heard this and said, “What the heck? I’m a journeyman and all I can afford is a basement suite. You’re just an apprentice, how can you afford a house?” My response was simple but devastating. I just said, “I don’t have any drinking stories.”
55. You Get What You Give
I had this one teacher in high school who taught computer classes, and I had taken almost every class she offered. Basically, I knew her very well and we mostly just goofed off in her class as long as we got our work done. She had been through a lot of marriages, and she’d talked about this before and about her relationship troubles.
Now, I was trying to date her daughter throughout all of high school and everyone knew, including her. Every time I messed something up or made a fool of myself, she would hit me with “and that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend.” This became a trend, and about four weeks after it was a thing, she said it to me one last time.
I hit her back with, “And that’s why you can’t keep a man.” As soon as I said that, she got red and chuckled and the whole class stopped what they were doing and stared at me like I slapped her straight across the face. One of the over-dramatic kids even ran out of classroom hollering.
56. Big Talk
I was showing Cosmos in a break between classes and one kid seemed particularly enthralled by the tardigrade, so his witty friend says, “Small minds are amused by small things.” The kid got his revenge. He retorted, “Why do you think I hang out with you?’ The whole class went bananas and even I went over and high-fived that kid.
57. Going Out With A Bang
I did not like the overly condescending boss that I had at my last job. One day, while looking over my shoulder at my work as usual, he said: “Can I ask a stupid question?” Since it was my last week at that job anyway, I immediately came back and responded with: “You seem qualified!” I have to say I was pretty proud of myself!
58. The Mother Of All Insults
I was arguing with my mom for the millionth time, and she would always say something along the lines of “You’re just like your father.” One day, I got tired of it and told her: “I’m not like my father, I’m smarter than him.” “Oh yeah? And why is that?” “Because I had a girlfriend like you and I broke up with her.” She didn’t talk to me for a couple of days.
59. Throw Out The Whole Man
At work one night, my construction crew was cleaning up trash out of the middle of the interstate inside of a lane closure. We get up to where another crew is working on machines, and these guys are total jerks. They seriously act like they are God’s gift to construction, so the conversation goes a little bit like this.
Me: Can y’all move over for a second so we can get by? Head Jerk to his guys: C’mon guys, let’s get out of this little lady’s way so she can pick up our trash. Head Jerk to me: Y’all are slower than heck, plus look, you even missed some. Me: Oh I’m sorry, I don’t think I can fit you in this bag, I’ll come back after I open a new one and maybe we can squeeze you in there.
60. The Sins Of The Shopper
Okay, I don’t often outright brag, but I’m pretty proud of this one. A lady in one of those motorized carts was parked across the entire aisle at Wallyworld. After standing there watching her do basically nothing at all for 30 seconds, I got annoyed and squeezed past. She finally shows the first signs of consciousness I’d seen so far, and calls out a catty “Patience is a virtue!” To which, without skipping a beat, I responded “And sloth is a vice.”
61. Mirror, Mirror
I was at a friend’s house, and his awful parents were fighting, Nothing new. The mom yells loud enough for me, my friend, and his little brother to hear “Oh, big tough man. Why don’t you go tell those boys why you can’t even get it up!?” Dad replies: “They already know why, and if you go look in the mirror you’ll know why, too.” We laughed so hard she threw us out of the house.
62. Run, Silly Kid, Run!
One time, we were watching Forrest Gump in my history class. We got to the scene where Jenny sleeps with Forrest, and a kid shouted out from the back of the class: “Haha, I wonder how she feels sleeping with a moron!” The teacher, without missing a beat, immediately paused the movie and said, “I don’t know, let me ask your girlfriend.”
63. I Can Work With That
A woman I work with, but don’t like, was in a MOOD one morning. A male colleague comes in and, after putting up with her for a bit, looks at her and says, “Are you on your period or something?” She turns around and stony-eyed says, “I woke up in a pool of blood, and if you don’t shut the heck up, you’ll end your day the exact same way.” Never respected her until then.
64. Come One, Come All
My brother got a terrible hair cut from Supercuts. He didn’t know it was a place for “learning” barbers. They basically shaved his head, and he was so angry. So the next day at work our very short boss, on break in front of everyone, said to my brother: “So you got cancer, huh?” My brother immediately snapped back with: “Yeah, well at least I can ride ALL the rides at Six flags.”
65. Trading Places, Trading Blows
I knew a guy whose wife left him for his best friend after a long, secret affair. A few months after the swapping of the wife, the two men had their first face-to-face encounter at a family gathering. My friend says to the (ex) best friend, “How’s that used junk working out for you?” Ex best friend replies, “It ain’t used once you get past the first two inches!” In my book, that is one of the greatest of all-time responses.
67. Don’t Mess With This Witch
One of my roommates in my freshman year of college was dating Shia LaBeouf. Her father was a movie producer and they met on the set of The Greatest Game Ever Played. Shia visited campus several times, mostly to whisk her off in a limo to spend the weekend with him in Boston, but at one point he joined us at a bonfire on campus.
She introduced him to people, including a girl in our class named Ursula. Shia: Ursula? Like that fat witch from The Little Mermaid? Ursula: Shia LaBeouf? That little jerk from the Disney Channel? Shia had no response. We all burst out laughing.
68. From The Mouths Of Babes
I was at Six Flags when I was 17, and me and my best friend were waiting in line for the Superman coaster. These boys came up to us (they had to be like 14) and they started to be cute with us, asking us where we were from, if we wanted to sit next to them on the ride, etc. so I quickly shut it down with the famous “You’re like, 12. Call me when your balls drop.”
And this child DID NOT MISS A BEAT and said, “Oh, they did—in your mom’s mouth!” That burn has haunted me for 10 years.
69. Going Under
I once overheard the following hilarious exchange between two guys I know. The first guy, who is a braggart and a jerk, said: “I’ve got this great new job. I’ve got over a hundred guys under me.” The second guy, who is a complete smart-aleck, quickly replied with: “What, are you mowing lawns at a cemetery?” I laughed my head off when I heard that.
70. A Close Shave
I had a co-worker who was a jerk to everyone. I had shaved off my moustache on the weekend because I was tired of it. Monday at work, on the loading dock where everyone would hang out, and drink coffee, the jerk shows up. He looks at me and says, “You look stupid without a moustache.” I took a sip from my drink before I shut him down completely.
“That may be true, but, I can grow it back. You, on the other hand, will always be ugly.” My supervisor said, “That was eloquent, yet brutal. I’ll have to remember it.”
71. Bringing Out The Beast In Him
I did not witness this firsthand, but I have had the recounting and legend of it told to me many times over the years. Growing up, a friend’s older brother nearly got kicked out of high school for this exchange. A teacher was teaching his class about ancient Jewish law. Specifically, about how zoophilia is strictly forbidden in the Old Testament.
This teacher then looked directly at my friend’s brother and sarcastically said: “Does this upset you, David?” My friend’s brother immediately replied with: “Yeah, it does. It means I can’t sleep with your wife anymore.” The class absolutely erupted. He ended up having to graduate late since he wasn’t allowed back into that class…
72. Quick On Her Feet
When I was in college, I was at a party and was introduced to the first truly foul-mouthed girl I’d ever had the pleasure of meeting. After about her 20th swear in five minutes, I turn to her and say, “Kiss your mother with that mouth?” And she immediately snaps back, “No, but I blew your dad with it.” I was totally speechless.
73. Pick On Somebody Your Own Size
I grew up in a predominantly Black neighborhood, and on the bus to and from school we would have rap battles. Now, generally we all knew who wanted to participate and would only call out others who wanted to battle. However, one of the main guys decided he wanted to roast this little nerdy white kid who never joined in.
I can’t remember what all he told the white kid, but that white kid stood up, looked him in the eye, and said, “I might be white, but you are whiter than me, you can’t rap you can’t even count to three!” We all went nuts!!!! That guy didn’t battle for a few days because we would just laugh anytime he opened his mouth from then on.
74. Revenge Of The Nerds
This was back in 8th grade, and is still one of my all time favorites. So this skinny bully guy keeps tormenting a quiet fat kid, one day calling him a fattie. The guy we considered the professional roaster of the class overheard and yelled to the mean kid: “At least his parents feed him, you skinny lizard-looking creep.” The pro roaster got detained, but he was treated with even more respect after that showing.
75. Trigger Happy
I manage a gun shop. A few years ago, I had this regular. Old guy, super into old western stuff. Most especially the 1851 Colt Navy, which were Wild Bill Hickok’s favorites. One day, the old guy is standing there and this young kid walks up. Kid is in his early 20s, fresh-faced. This old codger looks at him disdainfully, holds out the piece, and says, “I bet you don’t know what THIS is, BOY.”
This kid looks at him, looks at the gun, leans a little to look at both sides of the barrel pointed at him and says, “That’s an 1851 Colt Navy chambered in the original .36 caliber. That’s what Wild Bill carried.” The look on this old guy’s face…best I have EVER seen.
76. Beating The Master
I used to bartend while I was starting college. Everyone has seen the nursing shirts most colleges make for people choosing that major. The college I went to has these, but also decided to put out more majors for the shirts. Well, I was majoring in math at the time and immediately bought one of the shirts and wore it to my shift one day.
The regular customers at our bar can sometimes be sarcastic jerks in a loving way, and one particular customer decided to give me some heck for wearing my community college mathematics t-shirt. Customer: Why are you wearing that shirt, are you on the math team or something? Me: No, I’m just majoring in math so I got the shirt.
Customer: Seems likes that shirt’s a lie then. You shouldn’t be wearing a math shirt unless you’re on some sort of math team. Me: You wear a Steelers shirt in here all the time, so does that mean you play for the Steelers? Only time this particular customer had nothing to say back.
77. De-Throning The Princess
Real mean, pretty princess entitled girl had this thing for calling me a white boy. Also, despite being pretty she did have a little bit of a moustache that she was insecure about. Absolutely no one would talk about this thing, and it was a forbidden thing to make fun of her for. Petty middle school rules, but she was a popular girl and ran the joint.
Anyways, I was not in the mood that day. So the annoying girl starts making fun of “how I’m not Mexican” since we live in New Mexico. After that episode, she says all the other boys got facial hair and you are still baby faced, and everyone in the class starts to laugh. So I said “screw it,” and while everyone was still laughing, I told the girl, “I know right? I’m kinda jealous of yours” and I start to point at her upper lip. I’ve never seen a room go so quiet before in my life.
78. A Real Beaut
I’m a teacher, and I was teaching a grade 8 class in social science, specifically law. This class was great and we had a lot of fun. One student was a master in one-liners and often made me and my colleagues and fellow students laugh. This time I got him though…I was showing a picture of a mixed group of people and told the class that the law is for everybody.
I’m saying it doesn’t matter if you’re old, young, blond, tall…and then this student breaks in “—or ugly!” Without missing a beat, I responded “Yes, it’s for you, too.” He and the rest of the class exploded in laughter.
79. Tied Down
My mom’s dad had passed on a couple of days before this happened. The night before the funeral, it was a dark and stormy night. The funeral home called at 9 pm to tell my mom that she had forgotten to provide a tie for the suit for tomorrow’s showing. She freaked out, realizing that she would have to drive over to the nursing home to fetch a tie and then drive to the funeral home.
My dad, who loved himself his clip-on ties and had many of them, said, “Oh, don’t go doing that trip on a night like tonight and at this time of night! Just grab one of my clip-on ties and take it with you in the morning.” My mom, who actually hated the fact that my dad had never learned to tie a tie, responded without missing a beat: “My father would never be caught dead wearing a clip-on tie!” Seconds after, she realized what she had said and burst into tears.
80. A Little Zinger
I’m Korean, and have a fairly flat profile when it comes to my face. In second grade, a boy asked me what happened to my face, and did I run into a wall head-first or something. I responded with, “What happened to your growth spurt, hasn’t it checked in yet?” His whole family are fairly petite and he was the tiniest in the bunch.
81. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
When my daughter was little, we spent the night at my parents’ house and I was brushing her long hair after her bath. My dad told her she had such pretty hair, and asked if he could have a little to cover his bald spot. She didn’t even look up before she said to him matter-of-factly: “I think you have enough on your back to cover that.”
82. Driving Fast, Faces Pass, And I’m Unwound
Two coworkers, Craig and Fred, and I would always drive through downtown on our way home from work because it was right next to the university, and there were always hot ladies walking around. We would spot and choose girls saying which ones were gorgeous, and we would usually agree unless Fred was the one to pick her.
Well, Fred finally got fed up with us and asked us why we never agreed with him on which girls he thought were hot. I said to him, “Well if you’d quit picking dudes, we might agree with you.” We all laughed, and then he said, “Alright, I’ll find a good one then.” He spotted somebody going through the back of their car.
She had long blonde hair, so Fred said, “Here! This one! She is so hot!” As we drove by, that person stood up and faced us. “She” was actually a “he” with long blonde hair and a mustache. I turned to my co-worker and said, “Point proven.”
83. Two Months’ Notice
I ran into my awful, no-good ex-boss at the grocery store. He tried talking like he hadn’t made the last year of my life just unbearable. I left him hanging and ignored his attempts at small talk. He went, “What’s your problem? I haven’t even talked to you in two months!” I stopped and said, “The best two months all year.” The look on his face before he turned red and walked away was one of the most satisfying things I have ever seen.
84. An Unexpected Burn
The guy who picked on me in high school was tiny. Like under 5’ tall. Meanwhile, I was 6’3″ tall at the time so he would always pick on me, throw stuff at my head, push me around, stuff like that. I never fought back because I hate aggression, even though I had so much heft on him and totally could have put him in his place.
Anyway, one day we were in a class together when the class went on lock down. It wasn’t a drill, but we were told the campus wasn’t in danger either. So, jokingly, I said “I know why we’re locked down, maybe the zombie apocalypse started.” The dude immediately replies, “You idiot, zombies aren’t real.” So I shot back something that made him shut up entirely.
“Yeah well, we didn’t think hobbits were real, but you’re standing here, aren’t you?” The best part was that after that, he lunged at me and got in trouble.
85. Arrived “As Is”
Every time I walk into a store with my dad, if any employee asked us, “Can I help you,” my dad always responds with, “No, he was born like that.”
86. Proficient And Efficient Performance
My co-worker called the team lead and was on speakerphone to let us know that he was coming in a little later. They were trying to for a baby, and his wife thought that day needed to be a day they tried based on her cycle and all that. The team lead said, “Fine, we don’t mind you showing up 30 seconds late. Good luck!”
87. Accidental Release
In training, there was a saying that the leaders use: “Suck that smile.” If people were about to start laughing or if they were smiling, they would shout, “Suck that smile! Suck it away! Suck it deep so it goes into your gut and off your face!” We had a name call one evening, and all of a sudden, one guy tooted loudly.
Everyone was smiling and about to burst, and naturally the trainers yelled, “No laughing! Suck your smiles!” Then the guy doing the name call walked to the guy who tooted and was absolutely furious. The trainer yelled, “PRIVATE! What happened!?” The guy answered with a perfect poker face, “SIR! I sucked too hard, SIR!” Everybody including the trainers and the officer burst into a two-minute laugh orchestra.
88. This Comeback Gets An A
During my university days, I ran into an acquaintance of mine as I was holding a Green Lantern graphic novel. This acquaintance was with his girlfriend, and when he introduced me to her, THE FIRST THING she says to me while shaking my hand was, “Aren’t comic books for kids?” My instant response shocked even me.
I replied “Aren’t those A-cups for kids?” Honestly, I was so flabbergasted that someone I had just met would say that to me that I replied on instinct. Still my greatest comeback ever.
89. Signed, Sealed, Delivered
I was reading through a fight between some friends of friends on Facebook, and a girl wrote, “Taken but not appreciated,” in response to some advice about something. That person responded, “I didn’t ask for the title of your autobiography.” It is one of the only times I have audibly gasped at something on the Internet.
90. A Match Made In Heaven
The story of how my grandparents went on their first date includes the greatest comeback ever. My future grandfather was working at the cash register in a sub shop. My future grandmother was standing in the line waiting to order. They had kind of met a few times in passing before, but never really spoken to each other one-on-one.
My grandpa decided that this day was going to be the one where he finally struck up a conversation. When she got up to the register, my grandfather, attempting to hit on her, jokingly said: “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” My grandma quickly replied: “I don’t know, but you’ve been doing it a lot longer than I have!” They’ve been happily married ever since!
91. Shelled Up
In junior high, the science teacher spoke about a boy in his 8th-grade class who had a receding chin who everybody called Turtle. He was talking in class one day, and a rather hefty girl said, “Oh, shut up, Turtle. Why don’t you go and grow a chin?” Right away, Turtle replied, “Why don’t you just give me one of yours?”
92. Take My Breath Away
I always sit nearest the door at every job somehow. We share a building with a Visa company, and they were in the room next door to us but recently moved their offices to another floor. I was sitting working doing nothing important. I heard sounds to my right where this gorgeous lady was leaning against the door-frame.
“I’m looking for someone,” she said breathlessly in this strong Eastern-European accent in about the most “come hither” voice I’ve ever heard outside of a movie. Without even thinking, I quipped, “You’ve found someone.” Nobody who worked with me in that company has ever let me forget the smoothest line I will ever give.
93. Can’t Keep It Down
Carl, an old creep to hot women, said to one, “Hey girly, why don’t you come sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that comes up.” The hot young lady responded, “Carl, if I sit on your lap, the first thing to come up will be my lunch.”
94. Eh B’y?
My history teacher would spend half the class making jokes directed at the students. One student in particular always took the jokes on the chin and never really made any comebacks. Eventually, the teacher called him out and jokingly lectured him about standing up for himself. He ended his rant with, “You’ve gotta be a man. You’ve gotta be like me.”
The student replied with the greatest burn. “Well, which one? Do you want me to be a man or do you want me to be like you?”
95. Mic Drop
Professor to student: “You’re not very far from a fool.” The student replied: “No ma’am, just two rows of chairs and a desk away.” Then he stood up, left the room, and dropped her class.
96. Joining The Two
A few years ago, I was talking about gender roles at weddings when a girl asked, “If the groom gives a speech, what about the bride?” Someone answered, “Sit and look pretty,” trying to be clever. She went, “But what if the bride isn’t pretty?” An answer came back, “Well, girl, you’re just going to have to do a speech.”
97. Walk In The Park
I graduated college a few years back and worked a rather boring desk job to save up money to go to grad school. My boss has a great doggy who I will periodically walk because I feel bad that it just sits next to me all day without going out much. Once, I had some college friends visit me, some of whom I’m not a huge fan of.
This girl asked, “Hey, how’s your job going picking up dog poop?” I think she must have seen my Snapchat or something else. I was a little caught off guard by this comment though. We were never that close in college or anything. I was already aware that she still didn’t have a job and was working on her “music career.”
So, I responded with, “Good. Speaking of dog poop, how’s your music career going?” I still feel good about that one. Her music sucks.
98. Nice Of You To Notice
I’m a dude, and I was about to cross a road with a few friends who were all women. A car drove by with its windows down with some dudes. They were catcalling my friends, whistling, and shouting, “Hey sexy!” and such. I shouted back, “Aw, thank you!” The girls burst into laughter, and the dudes looked confused. They drove off.
99. A Man Of Few Disses
For years, I was told that my comeback was the best thing that anybody had ever heard, mostly because I was the quiet kid who nobody could get a rise out of. Naturally, because they couldn’t get a rise out of me, everybody tried to get me flustered by insulting me, or framing me for things that no teacher ever believed because it was never the quiet kid.
Well, I walked into class one day and the teacher wasn’t there. Instead, this other girl, Sue, was up at the whiteboard writing out a long-running joke about our teacher that made him angry. I sat down, she finished, and the teacher came in, noticing what was written on the board. He asked who did it, and immediately this girl and a few of the girls around her said that I did it. I don’t know what it was, but something made me wordlessly walk up to the board, fix her spelling and punctuation errors in the joke, and then sit down.
Only when I had sat down did I turn to the girl who’d done it and say, “It wasn’t me; I have standards.” The class collectively lost their minds, including the girls who hadn’t seen it coming, and the teacher laughed so hard he went red in the face and cried. Obviously, it was great, but the fact that I was usually silent made it that much better.
100. Reputable Terms
Once, I asked a middle-aged woman to borrow her pen on the train. I said, “May I please borrow your pen, ma’am?” The woman answered, “Excuse me, don’t call me ma’am. Don’t you know how offensive that is to say to a woman?” I said, “My apologies…sir.”
101. Comes With Age
I was at a bar when a guy said to a stranger “You know, inhaling that is bad for you.” The stranger replied, “You know, my grandma lived to the age 101.” The guy went, “Doing that?” The stranger immediately replied with, “Minding her own business.”
102. Don’t Blame Me, I’m Your Son
In a heated argument, my mom called my brother a “son of a [bleep].” He replied, “You got that right.”
103. Having Your Chocolate And Eating It Too
I worked at an independent chocolate shop that sold various flavors of truffles, brownies, and drinks. We also had non-dairy options, vegan options, and nut-free options available. A woman demanded to speak to the manager because we did not have a “dairy-free, nut-free, sugar-free, vegan” option. Luckily, the owner literally just laughed and said, “We do have one, it’s called water.” I have never seen such entitled rage in my life!
104. You Are What You Speak
A retail worker at a customer service counter was dealing with a really rude customer, and said, “I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are.” The customer flipped out and demanded to see a manager. So the manager came out while the customer is practically frothing at the mouth, yelling “This employee was so rude and terrible and you should fire her right now…”
Then the manager asked the customer exactly what his employee had said to her, and the customer repeated it. The manager then asked why exactly that was so terrible—in fact, it sounded like quite a nice thing to say. It was amazing: Now the customer couldn’t explain why it was terrible without admitting that she’d been awful herself, so she stormed off.
105. This One Ain’t Pretty
When I was nine or so, I asked my mother why she always wore makeup despite being in her 40s. She told me she wears makeup so she doesn’t look like me. Destroyed.
In my junior year trigonometry class, there was this girl who sat next to me was talking about how she would only date guys who were athletic and good looking and with good grades, etc. She proceeded to say, “I’m just a girl who is hard to get.” After she said that, I immediately replied with, “More like hard to want.”
Everyone who sat around me who overheard what I said began cracking up, and my trigonometry teacher even came by to ask us what happened because of how much laughing there was.
A “popular” girl who definitely had no interest in me once jokingly asked me out to prom in front of the whole class. I knew she was just trying to ridicule me—so I gave her a brutal taste of her own medicine. Without a moment’s hesitation, I said, “No thanks Lauren, I have standards.” The whole class and the teacher lost it.
108. The Customer Is Always Right, Especially This Lady
I was out to eat, and this younger lady was acting like a total witch in the restaurant to the staff. Everyone was obviously getting really embarrassed by her behavior…until this middle-aged lady piped up and said from her table, “Oh honey, you’re not pretty enough to act like that.” I seriously could have burst out into applause.