Let’s face it. People do bad things us from time to time. Whether it’s a coworker we can’t stand or a significant other who can’t be trusted, we all have those moments where we desperately want to get back at someone for something they’ve done. So what do people do when they experience those moments? Do they all just take a deep breath and let it go like most of us? Not even close! From the hilarious to the terrifying, there are no limits to the number of crazy ways that people out there choose to take revenge. Here are 50 unforgettable revenge stories told firsthand by the vengeful people behind them.
1. Walking on Sunshine
My older brother once threw me into the ceiling and let me drop to the floor. So, for the next year or so, I would always wait until he would leave the room, and then I would go into his closet and pee in his shoes. I didn’t tell him for around 20 years. When I finally did, he said “You little jerk! I could never figure out why my feet always smelled so bad!”
2. You’ll Get a Kick Out of This One
Back in sixth grade, some kid at my school made a snide remark in class about my name, and the whole class laughed about it. I was extremely embarrassed. So when I saw him in the hallway carrying books the next day, I kicked the back of his knee as hard as I possibly could. He went crashing down head first onto the ground.
The sound of his teeth slamming into the hard floor still fills the spaces between my thoughts.
3. Reporting for Duty
My first high school boyfriend was not very good with grades, so he asked me to make him a fake report card to show his parents in order to avoid getting into trouble. He also cheated on me with my best friend and dumped me. He then promised to get back together with me if I forged the report card for him as originally planned.
I agreed to this arrangement, right up until the day when we were meant to get our report cards from school. I abruptly told him that I didn’t do it. He got bashed by his dad when he got home for the string of Ds and Fs.
4. Two Can Play at That Game
In a previous relationship of mine, my girlfriend cheated on me with some guy we both know. So, to get my revenge, I slept with that guy’s girlfriend. We just did it to spite both of them. And it was totally worth it just for the chance to see their reactions when they found out.
5. That Was a Breeze!
There was this HUGE idiot in my hall at my all-male military boarding school. He always treated everyone like garbage. So, one day, we took his Febreze bottle and filled it with pee. We then sprayed the pee all over his pillow, locker, and opposite corner. So he gets back, smells urine, immediately grabs his Febreze bottle, and unknowingly douses EVERYTHING in more pee.
Take that, Donovan!
6. Like a Car-toon Villain
Here’s the most messed up way I ever got revenge, and I’m darn proud of it! This is a step by step guide so that anyone who wants to can replicate what I did. 1. Next time you get wildly drunk, throw up into a gallon freezer bag. 2. Flatten the bag of puke so that it freezes in a solid sheet. 3. Wait till summer when your jerk of a neighbor leaves his car window down just a crack to let the heat out. 4. Slide your beautiful puke sheet into the window crack. 5. Let the heat melt the puke all over the car.
The final step? Laugh for days knowing that the person will never figure out how they got puke in their locked car, with just the window open a crack.
7. Picture Perfect
My then-high school girlfriend was a total jerk and wanted me to abandon all of my friends. She would always try to bring me down in any way she could. When I finally got fed up, I had my revenge by breaking up with her on photo day. As a result, she had to take her photos with mascara running all over her face. Two days later, I told her that I was sorry and that I wanted to get back together.
She liked having someone to walk all over, so of course, she said yes. But I wasn’t done yet. I then broke up with her again on retake day. Nailed it!
8. Drop Everything!
My friend got taken advantage of and abused by a frat boy about a decade ago at a well-known local university. Despite a ton of evidence against him, he was never arrested, never expelled, and never had to face any sort of penalty for this. On top of that, he managed to blame the whole thing on my friend, claiming that she fabricated the allegations because he wouldn’t break up with his girlfriend for her. Pretty charming guy, right?
I put hot pepper extract into his eye drops for revenge.
9. Car Trouble
I had a friend in high school who became a jerk during our senior year. There were a bunch of little things that added up to our friendship falling apart. At the worst point of it, I pooped on his car one night. Real simple, I just crawled up on the hood of his car and took a poop on his windshield. I just knew that he’d walk outside the next day and think, “What the heck is this?”
Fun fact: we’re actually great friends again now. He still has no idea it was me.
10. When Push Comes to Shove
Once, in first grade, I took off my shoe because there was a rock in it. For no reason at all, the class jerk stole it and took off running. I chased after him and he eventually threw my shoe down a hill into a field of tall grass and just looked at me with a huge grin on his face. In a stone-cold first grade timbre, I said “Go find it,” and shoved him down the hill into the grass.
I then went and told the teacher about what he had done. After realizing what had happened, she made him go into the field and find my shoe. He crawled through the grass for about an hour before it finally turned up.
11. A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words
I took screenshot photos from my wife’s lover’s Facebook and sent them to the administration of the school he taught at. After all, posting pics of your student’s tests and then making fun of them is not cool at all. He was fired for it at the end of the year. After his dismissal, I divorced my wife and got her removed from her position at a daycare because it was a church-based facility with morality clauses for employment.
All it took was a conversation with the pastor, and she was phased out at the first available opportunity.
I once got bitten by a spider and was not very happy about it. So, I decided to take revenge out against it. I took the spider, put it into a hot pan, and just sat back and relaxed as I watched it slowly but surely get carbonized. It felt pretty awesome, and I can assure you that the spider won’t be messing with me again any time soon…
13. Not Something on My Bucket List!
My ex-girlfriend’s neighbor was always falsely accusing her of not picking up after her dog. Then one day, my ex opens her front door and finds many piles of dog poop on her steps. The poop had obviously been put there by the neighbor. My ex then takes a bucket, puts all of the poop inside it, fills the bucket with hot water, and walks over to the neighbor’s house.
When the neighbor answers the door, my ex throws the hot bucket of poop water right in the lady’s face and into her house. My ex was arrested, but it was totally worth it.
14. A Punishment That Fits the Crime
My brother has always been one of those evil geniuses thinking ten steps ahead of everyone else. In kindergarten, he went to a fancy private school and used to get picked on a lot for wearing glasses. The one time he actually fought back in self-defense, he got sent to the principal’s office and lost recess privileges for a week.
This was in January. He held onto that resentment all year long. Fast forward to the last day of school for that year. My brother consumed as many liquids as he possibly could, and then didn’t use the bathroom all day. In the last hour of the day, he snuck into the principal’s office and peed everywhere. We’re talking on all four walls, on the floor, and even on the ceiling.
And that’s how you get revenge in a totally epic way. That’s also how you get expelled from private school while you’re still in kindergarten…
15. Very Amusing
When I was about 13 years old, my family had saved up to take us to the Six Flags Over Georgia amusement park. It’s about a two-hour drive away from our house, so we left early to get there as soon as it opened. That way, we wouldn’t have to fight any crowds at the gate. As we pulled into the parking lot, we found a decent spot in an area that was already packed.
As we started to pull into the spot, a car of four 20-something-year-olds cut us off and took the spot. Ok, whatever we think. But no. To add insult to injury, the driver then got out and yelled, “What the heck are you gonna do about it, loser?” His buddies all had a good laugh and headed over to the gate. I could tell that my dad was steamed, but he kept his mouth shut.
We eventually found another spot and, as we were heading to the gate, my dad said he’d be right back and walked off. Fast forward to the end of the day. The park was closed and we were the last group of people making our way out. We hopped into the car and, lo and behold, as we were leaving the parking lot, we saw the car from earlier with four flat tires and four annoyed guys just sitting there.
My dad drives by them and, without missing a beat, rolls down the window and yells “What the heck are you gonna do about it, losers?” as we drive off into the sunset.
16. Dog for Cat
I had this really awful neighbor a few years ago. She and her boyfriend always did random things to me and my stuff, thinking they were funny. One time, they drew on my car with a Sharpie; another time they stole my garbage bins and hid them in her backyard. I’ve called the police on her many times, but she’s got connections there so she was always let off.
Then, she poisoned my cat. He was an outdoors cat and, while he was chilling one day, she fed him rat poison. How do I know this? Because she told me so! Apparently, he was “agitating” her dogs, so she poisoned him. Her dogs were fancy, top-notch, $10k-a-piece dogs. They were all show dogs and absolutely adorable.
So, when she wasn’t paying attention, I took all three of them and gave them to various friends and family members of mine as new pets. One is now in Canada, one in the UK, and another in Japan. I didn’t think I’d get away with it, but she didn’t have any tracking devices on her dogs, so I literally just took off the collars and they were mine.
I moved shortly after that, but apparently she’s still looking for them.
17. Making Your Mark
One day, I’m biking my dog around my neighborhood. Some guy almost runs me over with his SUV while laughing and turning onto his driveway. I have to jump off my bike to avoid him. I get really angry and start punching and kicking his car like a lunatic. He gets scared and stays inside his car. I walk to the back of his vehicle, pull out my pocket knife, and put a huge gash along his back door with a huge grin on my face just to freak him out more.
I then go back to my bike with my dog waiting patiently because he’s never seen me that mad, and we bike off together into the sunset.
18. Pigging Out
This one time, when I was about 15 or 16 years old, I was about to walk inside my building and had just placed the keys into the lock when, reflected in the door, I saw two girls walking by behind me. I could actually hear one of them say, as she pointed at me: “Let’s talk to this guy.” But then her friend said: “No, not him, he’s ugly. Let’s go.”
I was really upset. The girl that actually wanted to talk to me was cute and everything, man. So, not only did her friend ruin a potential opportunity for me, but she also called me ugly. And that hurt! I walked upstairs, entered my apartment, and then walked over to the balcony to see if I could still spot the girls.
There they were; I could clearly see them standing right across the street, talking to each other. The friend was now being loud and obnoxious. That did it for me. I walked back into the kitchen, grabbed a slice of ham, and swoosh—I threw it at the girl. Direct hit. She had a total “What the heck?” look on her face, which made me smile.
In retrospect, that was a stupid thing to do and I wouldn’t do it again, but at that moment, it felt great.
19. Fly Me to the Moon
My friend and I were fishing at a local creek one afternoon when his brother pulled up. Being the jerk that he normally was, he started throwing rocks in the creek to scare all the fish away. Then, he threw my friend’s bike into the creek. We were only 13 years old at the time. My friend was crying and I felt so bad for him.
I jumped into the creek and got his bike out, then told him we would get back at his brother. About a month later, we were fishing again and it was the dead of summer. I told my friend that today was the day we would get his brother back. We caught a two-pound carp, threw it up on the side of the bank, and left it there until we were done fishing.
At the end of the night, we went back to his place. His brother’s car was sitting on the street. We took the carp, sliced it open, and threw it under the driver’s seat before rolling his windows up about a third of the way. The next morning, by the time we woke and left, I had forgotten all about what we had done.
Well, when I rode past the brother’s car on my way out, I noticed the window was kind of black. Then, I took a closer look and realized it was completely covered in flies. I actually got scared because I did not expect to see that. But by the time I got home, I was laughing in tears because his brother was always such a jerk to us.
Fast forward to baseball practice about three days later. My friend showed up with a black eye, but smiled at me when we made eye contact. Apparently, his brother had flipped out, ran into the house, and punched my friend in the face. His mom flipped out on his brother, and his brother was grounded for the rest of summer. His mom said that my friend would never do such a thing, so he played along and acted as if he had no idea.
Apparently, the smell never really left the car. We nicknamed his brother “Lord of the Flies.”
20. Pick Your Poison
I’m immune to poison ivy, so I was always uprooting it for my parents in our yard. We had about a full acre of it. One day, I happened to have left a whole pile of it in this concrete area behind our garage because I was too lazy to dispose of it properly and wanted to go fishing. I headed over to a fishing pond across this canal in my neighborhood.
I didn’t always have a functioning bike, and the walk was only about a mile. On this particular day, as I was making my way over, a “big kid” who was probably about two or three years older than me happened to be passing by. He was a real jerk. He’d always do stuff like ride by me on his bike and act like he was gonna high-five me, but then just slap my face and ride off laughing.
Anyway, as he was passing by on his bike that day, he decided to pull that stunt again and I went back home feeling upset. I wanted revenge. I got my water gun and was gonna shoot him if he messed with me again. Then I saw the poison ivy and got an evil idea. I poured it into a bucket with some water, stirred it all up good, then dumped the mixture into my water gun.
I went back to the pond as soon as everything was ready. On the way back home, he came around and tried messing with me again. I hosed him down with my water gun. He started freaking out and broke the gun, but man was it worth it! He had no idea what had hit him! From what I heard, he didn’t go back to school for almost two weeks after that.
21. He’s Got This in the Bag
My brother once stole my bag of Skittles and didn’t admit to it. So, I bought a bag and opened it carefully so that I could reseal it. I took every skittle (except the green apple) out and replaced them all with M&Ms. The look on my brother’s face when he tried to eat them again was priceless. Sure, it wasn’t like I replaced them with something nasty, but when you’re expecting candy and get chocolate, it’s pretty unnerving.
Don’t mess with my snacks!
22. Family Time
Back in high school, I dated a girl for six months. She then apparently decided it wasn’t working out anymore and cheated on me with about six different guys before stealing my iPhone and wallet to buy illegal substances. I wanted to report her to the police like my parents had encouraged me to. However, to prevent me from doing so, her brother jumped me while I was walking home with his friends and busted open my lip pretty badly.
He threatened to hurt me if I reported him or his sister. This is south Florida, so I believed he really would do it. My dad eventually got a new job and we moved to a new city, but I was still upset about this whole situation. So, I did the next best thing to reporting them. I created two fake Facebook accounts of a random hot girl and guy, spent some time making them look legit with friends and all, and then added the brother on Facebook as the girl and my ex as the guy.
It wasn’t too long before he started flirting “me” up and trying his best to impress this girl. On the other hand, having already courted my now ex, I knew exactly what to say to charm her to the point of falling in love with me. This is where it all begins to get fun. I started a text relationship between the brother and sister, with myself as the intermediate thanks to Google voice.
Both of them had fairly typical south Florida bodies, so nothing really gave anything away when I would send each of them the other’s naked photos as the “new friends’ bodies.” I also did a fair amount of Photoshopping to remove identifiers in the room that may give the truth away. This went on for about a month and a half, totaling about 200 or so private photos between the two of them.
That’s when I decided to reveal the curtain and send a group of unedited pictures to each of them. Pictures that included key identifiers, including their faces and rooms. Oh holy moly, how things went down! They were both clearly very disturbed thinking that their sibling had tricked them into dirty texting for such a long time.
I only wish I had some way to have actually seen how they reacted. Friends who still lived in that area later told me that her brother moved in with his dad that week and that the siblings no longer spoke to one another. All in all, it took about four months for me to get my revenge, but it was absolutely amazing.
23. Pin the Nail on the Bully
A bully repeatedly knocked a binder out my best friend’s hands every single day while we walked down the halls at school. I decided that he and I needed to get revenge. Now, this was in the era before anti-bullying PSAs and whatnot, so we were really left to our own devices. We came up with a plan so devious that it would never fly nowadays.
I convinced my friend to stick thumb tacks through an entire side of his binder, turning it into an extremely dangerous spiked weapon. I also instructed him to just hold on extra tight while waiting for the bully to come and do his thing. The bully soon arrived and lacerated his hand pretty badly. After he slammed his hand down into it, my friend held on and yanked back.
The idiot didn’t try that garbage again from that day forth.
My friend once jokingly slapped me across the face, but I was not amused. So, I licked my hand and rubbed it all over his face. He was not amused at this point, either. In hindsight, the fact that I kept on doing it again for weeks afterward was probably what made it weird. But oh well. Maybe he should have thought twice before slapping me!
25. Video Evidence
One time, when I worked in a small video store as an assistant manager, there was this one customer who was being a real jerk to the point where I got fed up with his garbage once and for all and threw him out. He had been a jerk to every single other employee in the store, including our boss. He was just a mouthy, harassing jerk and I couldn’t stand him. It felt good, but I didn’t stop there.
Anyway, I saw him in a little strip mall nearby one time, and I overheard him bragging to some guys about how he was cheating on his worker’s compensation. Then, he pulled out this wad of cash and waved it under their noses like a paper fan. “I got all this freakin’ free money from lying about my injured hand!” What a jerk.
I decided I would get revenge on him for everything he had done to my employees. If you go into the Blue Pages of the phone book, you’ll find a listing in all capital letters that says “WORKER’S COMPENSATION FRAUD HOTLINE.” Now, take a wild guess what video stores keep in their records. Full name, home address, and phone number.
Not only did I turn this guy in to the authorities, but I was also able to provide great detail as to exactly how he had faked his injury based on what he had told his two friends.
26. The Name Game
When I was seven years old, the Monica Lewinsky scandal happened. My first name happens to be Monica. You can imagine what a bunch of immature kids liked to call me at the time. One girl, who was several years older than me and whom I had never talked to before, kept picking on me and calling me Monica Lewinsky. I asked her to stop, and she didn’t. Keep in mind that this girl was pretty big compared to me.
One day, she was playing on this jungle gym in the shape of a fire engine and was trying to balance herself. So I took advantage of her vulnerability and started tickling her. When I noticed that she didn’t like being tickled and was losing her balance, I continued to tickle. This was probably my innocent way of being violent. The girl eventually lost her balance, fell down, and broke her leg.
When I saw her later in a cast with crutches, she looked at me with this apologetic expression and never called me Monica Lewinsky again. She was afraid of me, a little seven-year-old girl.
27. Brotherly Love
My sister used to beat me up, steal my birthday money, and call me a loser in front of friends and girls that I liked. When our mom went shopping for Christmas, my sister would tell her to buy me all these horrible clothes to make me look the part. She was pretty much just a total jerk to me at all times. So, every time I had to pee in the shower, I’d pee in her shampoo bottle and body wash, or sometimes all over her razors and body sponges.
Screw you, Vanessa!
28. He Must Have Been Devastated
My so-called “best friend” in primary school stole my shiny Pokémon cards. I was only six years old or so at the time, but that didn’t stop me from being a sadistic little first grader…and having older brothers. Let’s just say I knew how things worked. Guess who found out the truth about Santa, the Tooth Fairy AND the Power Rangers all at once.
That’s right. Don’t mess with six-year-old me.
29. A Touching Tale
I used to have a feral cat living behind my apartment building. She would always pee and poop on my car. She hated people and didn’t want to be touched, always running away if you got to within 10 feet of her. Anyways, I got revenge on that sucker one day when I trapped her, took her to the vet, got her a checkup, and paid for some minor surgery. Then I got her adopted. Last I heard, she now lives with a toddler who enjoys picking her up and carrying her everywhere. Good luck not getting touched now, kitty! You got what you deserved.
30. Inconvenience Store
I’ve never been much of a fighter, but I had my day: I was once driving and this truck was tailgating me like I’ve never seen. I really thought he was going to hit me. I pulled over to let him pass, but he just got in front of me and started hitting his brakes. I pulled into a convenience store to get away from him. He followed and got out of the vehicle.
I’m a big guy, but this dude was the size of a bear. He was towering over me. I could tell that he was trying to intimidate me for his own amusement, so I just thought screw it. I gave him a quick jab to the throat and watched all 400+ lbs of him fly into the ground. I quickly ran back to my car and sped away before he could get up and follow.
31. Crying Over Spilled Milk
I was walking across the street at a crosswalk carrying a half gallon of milk home from Walgreens. All of a sudden, a lady comes around the corner and hits me with her car. She was only going like 10 miles an hour, so I basically just fell onto the hood of her car. Nevertheless, my milk burst and started to spill everywhere. But that wasn’t even the worst part.
The lady then had the nerve to yell at me, “WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!” through her car window. My rage levels instantly rose to over 9000. So I tossed the now-open half gallon of exploding milk into her car, flipped her the bird, and walked away.
32. Upping the Ant-e
This might sound childish, but ever since my house was infested by ants, I have taken every possible opportunity to get back at them for making my life miserable. For example, I once tried to stick an ant into an electrical socket. I had this device that I wanted to plug in and I somehow got the ant to sit on the metallic part, but it would always walk around before I plugged it in so I was never able to zap that little bugger.
He ran away and led a prosperous happy life. Probably fathered a trillion children too. He was the lucky one. Another time, I just peed all over an ant nest. I felt like God. For them, it was this cataclysmic event that flooded their home with acid water, drowned their young children, and destroyed their lives’ hard work including everything they had ever built.
For me, it was just a lazy morning.
33. Did You Enjoy Your Stay?
I was a chef for a famous all-inclusive hotel chain. One day, I was approached in the kitchen and told that I needed to pack my bags and move 3,000 miles away to fix a labor issue at another hotel. I happily obliged, but negotiated a deal where I would have my choice of any hotel location after I successfully fixed the labor issue.
I arrived at the new hotel and proceeded to diligently address the labor problem, while also taking over dinner service for 750 people. After a few months, the labor issue had been fixed and settled, and the kitchen was running as smoothly as I like. I asked my manager about when I could make the move to another hotel per our arrangement. Her reply made my blood run cold.
I was told that since I had done such a good job they were going to make me stay where I was for an indeterminate amount of time (i.e. forever). I let my management know this was unacceptable, and I demanded to be transferred in accordance with the original agreement. I was told they would work on it. I gave them a three-week window to address the issue, to give them time to discuss it with the head office, etc.
I told them if they did not come through in three weeks then I would walk off the job and never look back. After three quiet weeks, I politely asked my manager if my transfer had come through or if it was at least still in the works. I did not get the answer I was hoping for. So, the next morning, I gave the entire dinner staff the day off and told them not to answer any work calls.
I set up the kitchen as if I were prepping for dinner, including onions and herbs in hotel pans full of water with foil covers, garlic sizzling in pans, etc. I kept up the charade until around 4:30 pm, at which point I left the kitchen, went to my room, picked up my bags, and went to the lobby to wait for my ride. The manager came out and absolutely freaked.
There were 750 pre-paid dinner reservations for that night, and NO food! He told me if I walked out then I would never work for the company again. I laughed, shook his hand, and said goodbye. I never looked back and never talked to anyone there again. This was more than 20 years ago.
34. And That’s All She Wrote
When I was 12 years old, I used to ride this private school bus home. It was the same as a regular bus, but it went directly to my house which was about half an hour away from the school. Hence, we could often fight on this bus with no real consequences, since it was only for a few people and there was very little supervision.
Being one of the last people to get on, I always had to sit on the folding aisle seat. I was minding my own business when my mortal enemy came up behind me. After mocking and hitting me from behind for several minutes, he grew bored and eventually lowered his guard. After a few minutes, I turned around and saw that he was still standing next to me and talking to someone else nearby.
I pulled out a sharp pencil, turned in my seat, and attempted to spear the bully’s rear end with all the might I could muster. Unfortunately, I missed his bottom, and instead drove the pencil deep into lands where it had no business being. Hearing his girlish yelp, I withdrew my pencil and fled to the front to the seat next to the driver, to safety.
And laughed maniacally.
35. Magic Schoolbus
There was a bully that got moved to our school after being kicked out of like five others. As soon as he got settled in, he started picking on the kids on my bus. For the most part, I was just quiet and stayed away from him. I was a skinny kid with big glasses that the other kids already called names, because I was always reading and lugging around a bag of books everywhere I went.
One day, it must have been my turn, and the new bully knocked the books out of my hands from behind. I didn’t react at all. I just picked them up and waited. He had gone through picking on everyone else on the bus, and the driver now had him sitting in a seat by himself towards the front. The next week, when we had pulled up to my stop, I waited to be the last kid off.
As I passed his seat, I selected five of the heaviest books I owned and put them in the bag. These included math, science, and a couple other thick textbooks. I was never particularly athletic, but I wound up all the angst and rage of every kid that had ever tolerated this jerk’s reign of terror and it was batter-up time.
I swung the bag of books at that big unsuspecting head from behind like I was Babe Ruth. I really let him have it. I then just continued walking off the bus as if nothing had happened, while the bully, who had bit his tongue and was bleeding profusely out the mouth, started to cry. His mom pulled him out of our school shortly after and we never saw him again.
I think back now and realize that the poor kid must have had an awful home life to act the way he did. Nevertheless, I live by the premise that if someone messes with you, your moral obligation in self-preservation states that you screw back by a factor of ten so that they never dream of messing with you again.
Harsh revenge is the only language that certain people in this world understand, so I regret nothing.
36. And Now, We Wait
One classmate of mine in college was always acting like a total jerk towards me and I never knew why. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get revenge on him for everything he had done. I snuck into his dorm room and covered his bedroom ceiling fan with glitter. Then, I patiently waited till the next time he decided to turn it on and watched the hilarity ensue.
Fear me, people!
37. Time for Bed
I had been dating a guy for a little over a year when he decided to leave me for this girl he’d been passing off as his “best friend.” I was always suspicious that there was something between them, but they both assured me that there wasn’t. I was heartbroken. I’ve never quite been the same after that. Anyway, I hooked up with his male best friend as revenge.
That was the first time I’d had a smile on my face in months, because I knew how much it would hurt him. And it did. And it was on video—which we sent him.
38. A Private Story
One time, a friend pranked me by peeing on a sausage that I was about to eat. Four years later, when the two of us were hanging out at a bar, I got back at him by putting my private parts in his beer when he went to the bathroom. He drank the whole thing before I let him know. I don’t forget things like that…
39. Missing the Point
Thousands upon thousands of dollars-worth of my ex-wife’s expensive shoes, clothing, and purses may or may not have mysteriously vanished after we split up. I may or may not have also kept quite a few of her belongings (kitchen stuff, etc.) that may or may not have been mine. This may or may not have had to do with the fact that she cheated on me for the entire marriage.
I found out about this fact right before our court hearing. The missing items may or may not have all been secretly stashed away in my garage for storage while she was moving into her new house with the boyfriend. Some of her other belongings may or may not have been damaged in some small way. Or disappeared.
40. The Natural Reaction
I once had a bad neighbor who would park his car across my driveway. So, I filled the vent in front of his windshield with a skunk scent.
41. Time for a Drink
I don’t remember this, but it was pretty devious for a kid. My parents told me that when I was four years old, my older sister had once thrown my new toy truck over the fence intentionally. My dad said that he then watched me go into the fridge, grab my sister’s cup of juice, and mix it with ketchup, mayonnaise, salt, some banana that I had chewed up already, and a whole lot of spit.
After that, my dad told me I walked into her room and handed her the cup with a huge grin.
42. The Grass Is Always Greener on the Other Side
My family lived in a rented house for seven years next to a psychotic lawn-worshiping lady. She hated us for renting, and hated us for not having as much money as her. She made our lives a living nightmare. The night before we moved away, I finally exacted my revenge. I mowed some patterns into her grass in the shape of male private parts.
So much for her perfectly-groomed lawn. I haven’t been back or spoken to her since, but I take comfort in her pain as I imagine it.
43. Setting His Life on Fire
My sister was dating this guy for a while and moved in with him about two years ago. She moved back home six months later because he had abused her. My whole family wanted to press charges against him, but my sister flat-out refused. She would always say he “didn’t mean to” and stuff like that. Fast forward a year later.
The guy and a few of his friends got drunk one night and set off fireworks in some school buses in my hometown. Being drunk, he immediately told my sister about it, and she told me. I turned around with no hesitation and told the cops. He’s still awaiting sentencing now and, as far as I know, his friends turned on him for lighter sentences.
He got kicked out of school and lost both his jobs. And I’m so glad I did it.
44. The Wrong Neck of the Woods
My ex-boyfriend treated me like garbage, stole a bunch of my money, stole my car, and badly damaged my dignity and self-respect. I come from a small town, and he wasn’t a local. So to get my revenge, I had him move into town with me and then took him to meet the tough, no-nonsense locals as soon as he got settled. I then told them all about the way he treated me.
Let’s just say he’s gone now and won’t be coming back to my area any time soon…
45. Help Yourself
I met the new neighbor when he was sitting outside and shining his boots. He was in the Army National Guard. I walked over to introduce myself and we talked a bit about the Army. I helped him shine his boots and pulled a couple of beers out of the cooler that I kept in the back of my truck. We both had a great time.
Fast forward a few months and I’m suddenly wondering if I’m an alcoholic, as the case of beer that I had just bought the day before yesterday had somehow already dwindled down to a six pack. I just shrugged it off at first. Then, I drove my wife’s car to work one day that week and left my truck in the driveway at home.
My wife worked in a shop across the street and phoned me in the middle of the day to tell me that she had just seen the new neighbor climb into my truck and stuff his pants with my beer bottles. I was infuriated. At first, I was going to confront him and demand restitution, but then I decided that getting revenge in an epic way would be a much better course of action.
I decided that I could avenge my missing cans of beer by switching to bottles. So I switched. And once they were all empty, I refilled them with…uh…recycled beer and spit. I then recapped them to look as good as new. I put them back in my cooler in the truck and waited patiently. Eventually, a few bottles went missing. I waited a bit more. Nothing else was ever taken.
My point was made.
46. Diet Trouble
In 2003, my office got a new secretary and a new manager. The secretary, a thin blonde, was a vile she-devil. She wouldn’t do anything the staff asked her to (i.e. find info, set up calls, get coffee for anyone who wasn’t herself) and the manager wouldn’t do anything about it. She was also extremely rude and terrible to all of us.
We joked that her job title was “Internet Quality Control” because she more or less just sent personal emails and played on Myspace all day. When she overheard this joke one time, she literally went running to the manager in tears. Then, one day, I got a rather large jar of candy as a gift and she just about single-handedly consumed half of it, which annoyed me pretty good.
Then, later that week, I brought in a dozen donuts and she ate half of them on her own. Upon putting the facts together, our web designer, editor, and I decided to fuel the fire in something we called “Operation: Butter-Up,” where we would get our revenge by each bringing in large bags of candy to continuously fill up my jar as fast as she could empty it.
Over the course of three months, she put on twenty pounds. In a year’s time, she was unrecognizable. Along with being a crank, she was an idiot and couldn’t figure out how this had happened. Several times a week, we provided her sweets and snacks of every kind until her boyfriend dumped her. That milestone was about eight months into the project.
Pretty soon she had to get a whole new wardrobe. We lucked out because she was rather stupid, but we had more diabolical measures lined up if she stopped eating the candy. Those were mostly things along the lines of mixing in weight-gainer to the non-dairy creamer she was using, and tricks of that nature. That was in 2003.