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Jingle Hells: These Are The Pettiest Christmas Gifts Ever

Mathew Burke

Gift-giving at Christmas is often just one more holiday stress-maker. It’s hard enough thinking up the perfect presents for the people you love, but many of us also have to consider coworkers, postal workers, dentists, and more. There’s nothing like a gift to show someone how much you care for them – or don’t. What do you get for the aunt you secretly can’t stand? We asked people from around the world to share their best passive-aggressive gift stories and ideas. Hopefully these will help you enter your family holiday get-together properly armed for the occasion.


1. Get The hint?

My mother once gave me a self-help book called “Procrastination: Why You Do It, and What to Do About It Now.” Well, obviously, I’m not going to do anything about it now, MUM. I’ll do something about it later.

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2. Trying To Tell You Something

My sister was overseas for Christmas, but thoughtfully left me the gift of Trinny and Susannah’s “How to Dress for your Body Type” book (for fat people). I regifted it to her the next year. And back and forth we go.

whyareyousolate

3. It’s All About You

My uncle can’t stop talking about his work and shows no interest in other people. He can basically start a conversation with “How are you doing? What have you been up to?” And you can just reply with “Good. I’m-” before he starts talking again about his boring job. So I gave him two books, one about subjects for a conversation and one about how to handle yourself in a conversation.

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4. The Perfect Fit

Clothes that are clearly the wrong size. Not like hideous clothes, normal clothes. My cousin is exhausting and is constantly bragging about how men comment on her beach instagram photos, and how flat-tummy tea has done wonders for her, etc. Last year another cousin got her a dress that was 2 sizes too big and played totally oblivious while the self-absorbed cousin tried to not have a meltdown about someone thinking she’s a size 8. It was passive-aggressive gold.

aqua_rogue

5. Smells Like Revenge

One of the best passive aggressive gifts I’ve ever given was to my aunt, who we will call Elise. She’s known as the diva of the family, and she lives up to it every year. Usually my grandmother makes Christmas brunch/Thanksgiving dinner depending on the occasion, and in my lifetime Elise has thrown tantrums at six of these entirely based on food choices.

A couple years ago at Christmas, she was sitting at breakfast and smelled cinnamon French toast being fried in my grandmother’s skillet, and the theatrics began. She hates cinnamon, and she ended leaving the house and offering to come back in a family group text under the condition that all the windows be opened and an exhaust fan in the kitchen window. Over cinnamon french toast.

Last Christmas, I went to Bath and Body Works to get little gifts for everyone and I found a heavily cinnamon scented hand soap. Perfect gift. The look she gave me when she opened it was priceless.

aub00

6. Priceless

Instead of cash, my grandparents are giving their extremely financially irresponsible step-grand daughter one single gram of gold for Christmas. For those who don’t know, 1 gram of gold is about the size of half of a child’s baby tooth. I am seriously impressed by that shade.

knittingcatmafia

7. For The “Master” Chef

My girlfriend has a cousin who has one of the most stuck-up, self-important food blogs I’ve ever read. I’m talking paragraphs and paragraphs before the actual recipe where she talks about her day like anyone actually cares. The kicker is that she’s actually pretty bad at cooking, which makes it even worse. Every year my girlfriend gives her cookbook for beginners. I don’t think she’s gotten the joke yet.

Schrodingers_Nachos

8. Hooded Shame

My sister once got me a nice hoodie, which was at least two sizes too small. “Oh, it looked like it would fit when I bought it.” Joke’s on her as I lost 50lbs this year and now it fits. So I never wear it.

Slonchman

9. Super Sweet Vengeance

I always get my Aunt’s badly behaved kids those giant four-foot-long gummy worms. She always insisted that we get her kids gifts even when nobody on that side of the family was doing gift exchanges, and I thought loading her kids up with straight sticky sugar would prove the point pretty effectively while making her life just a bit more difficult through the holidays.

crazyladyscientist

10. Way To Prove The Stereotype

My mum’s stepmother bought my mum a cheap carving knife one year. My mum had to sit there with her knife while her half sisters unwrapped new phones and expensive jewellery. I don’t even know if it was passive it was kinda just aggressive.

orangepuffajacket

11. Genius

My advice to those with a terrible family: don’t get a bad gift card because it will reflect more poorly on you in front of your family. Get a tacky large painting or vase and then when you see them next, ask to see where they displayed it. With tacky home décor, you can talk about how you thought of them when you saw it and how good the quality is. That way you come across as being thoughtful and they can’t really complain to the rest of the family about how bad it is without seeming ungrateful.

Philofelinist

12. Careful What You Gift For

My brother-in-law would always give the most obnoxious noise making toy to our kids. He would laugh and laugh when they opened it. Well, he got married and became a parent…guess what their kid got? My brother-in-law was NOT amused.

HIHWUDN

13. Silent Night

My co-worker was playing Christmas music on his computer speakers which was really annoying me. I went and bought a pair of headphones and put them on his desk, with a note that just had the boss’s initials on it. It worked and no one ever said anything about it.

DeFex

14. Deep Sea Shade

My cousin is a big fan of the Titanic, so I got her a piece of coal that they claimed was from the Titanic itself! She’s foolish enough to believe that it’s real, and plus I got to have the fun of giving her coal for Christmas. She’s really not that bad a person, she is just really condescending.

swolf8100

15. Give The Gift With Class

I had a proud Daughter of the Confederacy for a step-grandmother for quite some time. Every Christmas, she’d give my step-brothers and step-sisters gifts worth many hundreds of dollars each: dirtbikes, ball gowns, belaying equipment for rock climbing. And each Christmas, she’d give me a card with $5 inside. Every year, I donated her $5 to the NAACP in her name.

Every year, they sent her a little thank you card.

treerabbit23

16. For The Roommate In All Of Us

Self help books. I had a roommate years ago who was a gigantic slob and a little off socially. I don’t remember the title but it was something like “a young man’s guide to being a gentleman”. The following year we got one about hygiene. It was funny but admittedly kind of a jerk move.

thechaddster

17. This One Deserves A Frame

I like to print and frame a picture of us together where I look good and they look stupid, to remind them just how ugly they really are. Because that’s what I see. But I act super nice so they are guilted into putting it up in their house so it becomes a year round reminder. Also giving gifts to others I like of family photos but cropping out the family members I hate and making sure they see the other people open the cropped photo. Usually in a really nice frame so it has to be put up. That’s just with my in-laws because I have to deal with them, I don’t even talk to my own family I don’t like

TiredForDays

18. That’s Gotta Burn

My uncle is racist and has IBS. My aunt hates him, is too religious to divorce him, and loves to cook. I got her a cook book of spicy middle eastern cuisine.

Animated_Astronaut

19. He Doesn’t Deserve Hickory Farms

I had gotten a gift for my stepdad I thought he would like. Then he basically told my mom that he doesn’t consider me and my brothers his kids, despite having been there our whole lives. So I’m giving his gift to my brothers to share (it’s a Hickory Farms gift set with summer sausage, cheese, crackers, etc) and I plan on doing it in full view of him. This is honestly the last straw of a lifetime of putting up with this miserable loser and I’m so done.

BricksInTheWall1991

20. Probably Too Subtle

My sister is a “hacker.” She chain smokes and claims she has oversized tonsils. She gets up at 3am for her job, and has this phlegmy, gross cough and wakes up everyone in the house with how loud it is. She spits a lot too to get rid of the phlegm. Anyways, she loves Pokémon. I found these cute Pokémon socks that look like the one named Koffing (sounds like coughing) and here’s hoping she gets the hint.

Parkstreet2north

21. Definitely Too Subtle

Not a family member, but a coworker. They harassed people in various ways and took credit for my work despite being one of the lowest performing people in the building. They screwed around all day talking to other people, injecting themselves into conversations that didn’t involve them, generally starting drama. Because we were a two person department, I did their work and mine.

I got the aromatherapy lotions from Bath and Body Works for some coworkers. Happy, Comfort, Stress Relief, those things. Because I knew she would complain to HR if I didn’t get her one too, I simply got her one that said “Focus.”

berryfence

22. Tropical Sundream

Walmart has gift sets of bath stuff by gender. Usually around $10. It’s the most generic gift ever. Pair it with a cheap gift bag and one piece of white tissue paper half heartedly crumpled and stuffed down beside the gift ( not covering the gift, just beside it) Screams of no thought and no effort. This is my go to “I’m socially obligated to get you something”. For full effect, all the women get the same thing and all the guys get the same thing in identical cheap bags, with no name tags.

If you do something like getting a cheese and sausage set for your vegan cousin or a planned parent hood donation in your conservative uncle’s name they get the satisfaction of knowing you put a lot of thought into being spiteful.

mostlyamess

23. Sorry To See You Go, Bro

I think a good passive aggressive gift has to come from the heart. I had a friend whose girlfriend didn’t like the rest of us in his circle. We kept warning him that she was telling everyone she was going to get him to move away from everyone in his life to go to Indiana with her. He kept saying he was in charge of his own life and even though she may want him to move to Indiana, he was still closely connected with everyone in his life and wouldn’t be going to Indiana any time soon.

I got him a guidebook to Indiana for the last Christmas we had together before she made him cut ties with our group all together. It seemed fitting. He knew the meaning, I knew the meaning, it was kinda perfect.

vampedvixen

24. Holiday Equality

My uncle is a misogynist but thinks he’s just being objectively fair about women being more prone to hysterics then men. He also taught science for 30 years which is a horror I try to never think of. So…. I sent him a book about the history of women in science.

sarelai

25. Cash Qualifies

When my wife spent the entire month of December at her Dad’s house helping clear it for sale/move the Stepmonster gave her $20 and told her to buy herself a present and wrap it and put in under the tree. I assume this qualifies, or she’s just a horrible person. I’m not assuming, I know.

wengelite

26. Joke’s On You, Dads Love Snacks

A couple years ago I got my father a very expensive gift that I thought he’d love. I had to save up a lot for it because I wasn’t working at the time, but it seemed worth it. He basically said “oh neat” and then never used it. He now has a $15 gift limit (I’ve spent about $200 on my mom for comparison). I make him a bag of snacks, most of which I buy from the store I work at so I get a discount, and just shove some tissue paper on top. I just reuse the same bag every year.

I got him some candy, a bag of off-brand Cheetos, and a bag of the same type of jerky I got him last year. He was more grateful for that stupid jerky than he was for the big gift I got him. Anyway, ridiculously low gift limit and some snacks from the corner market. But it looks like you tried, which is impressive in the age of gift cards, so no one even knows.

shiguywhy

27. Bah-dum-ching

My older brother and I have very different personalities. This resulted in battles being constantly fought at our home. Things have slightly improved since we both grew up but… He made the mistake making me godmother of his kid. Naturally I gave her a kid-sized drumset when she became 3…

animavivere

28. Nutritious And Delicious

One Christmas for a joke, I took some malformed rutabegas and turnips, put each one in a box and wrapped it nicely, put them under the tree like normal. The looks on my kid’s/family’s faces when they opened the gift to find a turnip or rutabega was just wonderful! That was a fun joke but no reason not to give someone you don’t like a single, nicely wrapped root vegetable.

EugeneStargazer

29. At Least She’ll Know Where To Use It

My sister is a self absorbed brat. I swear she came to my daughter’s birthday party just to brag to everyone how awesome she is at her new job at Buffalo Wild Wings. So for Christmas that year I bought her a $5 gift card to Buffalo Wild Wings and put it inside a Get Well Soon card.

laughingbitterly

30. Timber!

My grandfather just cut some trees my deceased brother and I planted 20 years ago (to be fair they were on his property, long story but I share a property line with him). I asked him not to cut them down, he did anyways. I’m making picture frames out of the trees. I’m planning to give him the smallest frame. With some passive aggressive picture or something glued into it.

Eulielee

31. Still, Not A Bad Gift

For my family members going through puberty, I get them deodorant. It’s not exactly subtle, but it gets the point across. For my brother specifically, I get him gift cards, every year, for every event. Now you may be asking, “What’s passive aggressive about that?” Well I used to get him thoughtful gifts, but he would always cry and whine about them.

Well one year I got him Halo 4 (this was the year it came out) because we like to play Halo with our friends, and even just together. He spends 30 minutes literally bawling and yelling how I “Just got it for me” so now he gets Steam gift cards. I literally told him the first year I did it, “See, now you can only complain to yourself when you don’t like the game you get.”

It’s been 6 years and I’m still mad about it.

Doofalicous

32. Message Received

I was in a fight with my cousin. I was the passive aggressive one in this situation. Every year at Christmas we do a secret santa swap and it just so happens that I had my cousin that year. I proceeded to buy her a $15.00 gift card to a restaurant she does not like and put it in a “thinking of you get better greeting card” with the saying crossed out and “merry Christmas” scribbled inside. I then put this card in a brown paper bag I got from a purchase in the grocery store and ran over the bag a few times with my car. There were tire tracks and a pebble lodged in the card. Not one of my proudest moments.

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33. This Offends Kindergartens Everywhere

My mother-in-law came over last Thanksgiving and made a big deal about how my serving dishes didn’t match. For Christmas, I got an entire serving set from her with a note that said “A lady’s table is her greatest masterpiece for her husband, so don’t sit him down to a kindergarten drawing.”

Kandakandero

34. A Donation Has Been Made On Your Behalf

My stepmom has been married to my dad for about a decade now. About a month ago, she decided to stop talking to me and my mom, whom she’s always been friendly with (my mom took her to the gynecologist once at her request, for god’s sake). But I have to go over there for Christmas because my sister’s flying in and I want to see her.

She’s very materialistic and wants designer everything. I’m thinking about getting her one of those Heifer International things – a donation in her name to a poor family. You can’t even really complain about that without looking greedy, so there.

chinchillazilla54

35. It’s Still A Mystery

My ex-girlfriend got me an alarm clock. She said I was always late for work. We didn’t live together, or even in the same area code. I only saw her on days I didn’t work. I wasn’t always late to work. I had a working alarm clock. She gave me that “If you don’t like it, I can take it back for something you do like” line that you are not supposed to take people up on. In the spirit of how things were going, I DID take her up on it.

She was pretty mad. I maybe had her get me some records? I don’t know. That doesn’t stand out nearly as much as the trash gift did.

explodedsun

36. Don’t Take It So Literally

When I was about 10 my sister was 18, she always spoke about how much she wanted a car – a pink Mini especially. So on Christmas morning my mother and I tell her to put a blindfold on and go out to the driveway. There stood a mini toy car that I had specially painted pink for her. She didn’t think it was funny.

Kiddler

37. This One Takes The Cake

Forever ago my mom bought me this shirt, I can’t remember exactly what it said but it was something along the lines of “I get upset for no reason just to hurt people.” I actually have an anxiety disorder that she refused to let me see a doctor about for a long time because I was “faking it for attention.” Oh, did I mention she’s a nurse?

sweetcatbutt

38. Christmas Is For Cleaning

When my best friend and I moved in together we got a Christmas present of cleaning supplies from a friend who figured we wouldn’t have thought of buying them and whose mother passed on the message that she doesn’t want us going to her to get our laundry done. We’d both been living away from our own families for years and were able to wash our clothes and clean our house. I’m still offended but thankfully no longer friends with that girl.

her-vagesty

39. You Should Know

I was once given a Poo Pourri gift set (a whole arsenal of sprays and creams, came in a toilet shaped box!) by someone at work as part of a secret santa exchange. It was a bit embarrassing since I had only worked there for about 6 months at the time so I was still a little unsure about how people were perceiving me. In my mind, the gift was either someone’s way of jokingly telling me “you think your poop don’t stink” or someone’s serious way of telling me that my poop really really stinks.

Anyways, no one I talked to at the party admitted to being my secret santa. The next day I asked the office manager if she could tell me who it was and she said she could, but only if the other person gave their consent. She IM’d me back a minute later: “they said no”. I don’t use the products they gave me, in protest. But I have become a bit more self-conscious about my… well, you know.

ironarchist

40. Homework For The Holidays

In my first year high school math was one of my worst subjects so over the holiday break I was just glad to not have to think about for a couple of weeks until Christmas rolled around and the first gift I opened was… Math flash cards, a couple gifts later a book of ‘fun’ math games. Sigh.

The-Lying-Tree

41. Time To Move On

My senior year of college one of my best friends and I had a falling out. Well a falling out that I wasn’t aware of. She was supposed to come to my Christmas party but never showed up. I moved to a different state the next day after graduation. She then decided to text my boyfriend and ask him what our new address was because she needed to send me my belated Christmas “present”. A couple weeks later I received a thick envelope from her filled with about 35 pictures of us and some of our other friends and a hand written friendship breakup letter. Still to this day she won’t talk to me and I have no clue why.

ajstraw

42. For The Throne Room

My aunt (Dad’s sister), who I see maybe once or twice a year, sat down next to me at the annual Christmas party in 2013 with a small gift. She said something to me about wanting to be invited to my son’s birthday party next year (he had turned one in May). I hadn’t invited my dad’s side of the family because my parents had gone through a divorce in May of 2011 and my mom is still bitter about it.

I normally get along with these people but just don’t see them much. But anyway I opened the gift and it was a tiny Ravens football helmet, some small thing I can’t remember and then a small bottle of a liquid concoction called “poo pourri”. You know, that spray that you spray into the toilet after you poop to take the smell away. That….was it. I was dumbfounded as to why she would even give me something like that, speculated that it was regifted from a junk drawer, and still have a good laugh about it with my mom all this time later. Man, what a terrible gift!

Dingobingaling

43. Just Lose It

My family was doing this weight loss bet thing. We all chipped in $20 and whoever lost the most weight(as percent of body weight) got all the money. My cousin had lost the most legitimate weight but my grandma insisted she lost the most weight, it was just undocumented. This turned into a huge thing between her and my mom and eventually my mom just gave her the money since she was being really petty about it. About two months later it was Christmas and my grandma sent my mom some of her old flowery shirts and a pair of stretch pants since they no longer fit.

004forever

44. She Got It In The Divorce

Me and my ex were breaking up around Christmas so she got me a gift. It was one of those as seen on TV magnifiers for phone cameras. Wasn’t even made to fit my phone. I thought it was worth a chuckle and I still think about it from time to time. Makes me wish I hadn’t gotten her that expensive necklace though.

EpicGuard

45. Lots To Unpack

This relative of mine is from a wealthier family than mine and likes to show off a lot. We don’t really get gifts for other people very often unless it’s a special occasion and she likes to sort of put people down for their lack of money (whole other story). She got me a bunch of things the last time she went abroad which was generous of her and I appreciate that.

But she ripped the sale price off the tag which is very evident and left the “real” price of the stuff right there. She also kept telling us how expensive our gifts were. “It is rude to leave the price tags on gifts. But here, let me show you how expensive your gift was before I bought it on sale.”

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46. This Is What The Holidays Are Really About

When I was a kid there was always a battle going on every Christmas between my dad and his brothers. He was the first to have kids, and each year a box would arrive for us containing an unreasonably noisy or messy gift, like toy megaphones or a marble set with extra marbles that they knew would get everywhere. Eventually we grew up and my uncles had kids of their own. It was so satisfying to go to the store as a teenager and pick out revenge gifts, such as a splatter paint set.

HansDelbrook

47. A Hidden Message

My girlfriend’s brother is pretty right-wing, whereas I’m about as left as they come. We’ve had some spirited discussions through the years, believe me. At the time, I was commuting 2 1/2 hours daily, and I had gotten into audiobooks pretty heavily. I was pretty stoked when he got me a book I’d never read before, Atlas Shrugged. All I really knew about it was that it was a highly regarded classic. Little did I know that it was the conservative manifesto. I think I made it about 15 minutes into listening to it before I started thinking he was a sneaky piece of work!

FlyTaggart

48. Let’s Talk About It

My younger cousin, I love her to pieces, cannot hold a conversation. I have never heard anything intelligent or thought-provoking come out of her mouth, other than superficial compliments (You look so tan) or complaints. If you attempt to talk to her about something intelligent, she’ll respond, “Oh, that’s deep,” because apparently, it’s far too intellectual for her to be seen talking about.

For her college graduation gift, I bought her a book about “How to hold a conversation.”

cheechsfeist

49. Did I Hear You Correctly?

I really don’t celebrate Christmas. It was just sucky growing up so as an adult I just don’t participate. I do things for my child, it’s not his fault. My mother knows very well I don’t want gifts and we have talked about alternatives like donating to charity or whatever. So one year I go to her house so my son can open his presents and she pulls out this little poorly wrapped gift and hands it to me.

It’s a plastic container of knock off q-tips from the dollar store. Really? What was that supposed to mean? It wasn’t a money issue, she’s loaded (and knows I don’t want any of it) but she told me she just couldn’t bear to have nothing under the tree for me. This woman is a professional button pusher.

ODB247

50. At Least They’re Toys

This wasn’t gifted to me, but to my younger sister. My parents had her late in life, when I was 10 and my brother was 16. For some reason, no one in my father’s family liked her much. For her first Christmas my grandmother gave her squeaky dog toys, a frog and a hamburger. There was no oops there either, they were still in the cellophane wrapper with the cardboard tag on them saying that they were squeaky dog toys.

My mom refused to acknowledge that they were dog toys, gave them to her anyways and just played along.

nightbloom_

51. A Chorus Of Wow

My stepmom always hated me. She told my dad not to take me on family trips when I was younger because I wasn’t part of “their family.” Etc etc. Anyway, during his marriage to this woman, I went through a phase when I loved the Transiberian Orchestra. For my birthday (in May) one year I asked for tickets come Christmas time. Come November, I reiterated that I really wanted TSO tickets, maybe for Christmas. No luck.

The band came and went and I did not get to go. Fast forward to Christmas Day, I unwrap a shirt. A transiberian orchestra shirt. It was two sizes too big. Clearly purchased for my dad. As I held it up, my stepmom explained that she’d gotten it for me when she took my dad to the concert for his birthday because “I know you said you liked them.” I was 15. They’re divorced now, thank goodness.

mellovino

52. Stay Warm, Kids

Years ago, my stepmother disapproved of my (then) boyfriend. Leading up to Christmas that year my father kept asking me for a family picture of me, my boyfriend and our infant daughter. I ended up sending him the picture we took with Santa, where I was knealing on one side of Santa with our daughter on my knee and my boyfriend on the other side of him. Come Christmas Day, my stepmother gifts me a giant threadbare blanket (the kind you buy at the Walmart photo counter) with the Santa picture splashed across it in all it’s cross-stiched splendor, except that she had cropped the photo to just have me, my daughter and rando Santa Claus in it, no boyfriend.

The way she had cropped the picture onto the blanket made it so that our depictions on it were easily 5 times the size of us which made it obvious that she could have fit the entire picture. My daughter’s nostrils were easily the size of my fists. As I was trying to hide my incredulity after opening it she said, “It would look nicer but you didn’t really give us a good picture,” which was really the cherry on top. This blanket has been known ever since as “The Passive Aggressive Blanket.

opalesense

53. Grandma’s A Closet Liberal

My Grandma has always favored my older brother over me and every Christmas for years I would receive awful, cheap gifts while having to watch my brother unwrap expensive brand name clothes, video games, money etc. I still remember some of those gifts. Things like an off brand Barbie doll that was missing half her hair. A piano-shaped jewelry box that was supposed to play music but didn’t. The hat/visor that was covered in pink and blue Spandex like material which I’m pretty sure she took from Richard Simmons. And the flesh coloured boob-tube top that was 2 sizes too small.

But the Christmas that I was 12 was probably my favorite. After watching my brother open numerous awesome and expensive gifts, she handed me a badly wrapped package. Inside was a bright red hat…. with a green marijuana leaf embroidered on it. I was speechless. I looked at my Grandma and she smiled and asked me if I liked my “nice Christmas hat.”

I was trying so hard not to crack up laughing and you could tell that the rest of my family was struggling not to laugh too which made it that much worse. I managed to say that I loved it and then had to wear that freaking hat for the rest of the day until Grandma went home. I have no idea what happened to the hat because I never saw it again after that Christmas day. But every year when Christmas rolls around, I can’t help but think of my “nice Christmas hat” and have a good chuckle. Thanks for the laughs Grandma.

beverley_1987

54. Having A Device-Free Holiday

When my bratty cousin demanded I get her an iPad, I put a bunch of feminine pads in an iPad box and drew I’s on all of them. I told her mom about it but she’s very not into disciplining her daughter in any way, she found it funny but had the nerve to say “Did you get her a real iPad for after?” Uh, no. My cousin was throwing herself on the floor demanding I buy an iPad in front of her so she knew I was getting it for Christmas for her, she threatened me that she would get herself kidnapped if I didn’t.

Like she already apologized to me for it and doesn’t normally behave like that with me (which is why I pick her up and hang out with her sometimes), when I threatened to never to pick her up again she was super apologetic and crying on the phone so I forgave her. Ruined Christmas for herself though and I hope she learns a small lesson never to act like that with me again.

My Aunt’s parenting skills are so subpar and it’s so sad that I actually had to say, “I am not your mom and I will not for a second put up with that type of behavior.”

ReanimatorLove

55. Carry That Weight

So my sister in law is a piece of work. She’s constantly setting up Go Fund Me campaigns for house projects, vacations, sperm to start a family, etc. She’s just…. exhausting. So one year she gives me a rock for Christmas. And I open it and I’m like, “Oh….cooooool….” And she goes on this ten minute speech about how she slept with the darn rock to give it her energy and “help guide me” and tells me I’m supposed to sleep with the rock, too, so we can become “closer.”

So the next year, here comes another Go Fund Me, this time she wants to hike a portion of the Appalachian Trail. Now, I’m broke: I’m finishing a Master’s degree, I have a new baby, etc. I’m not giving her money for her “finding herself” vacations. But I do decide I want to give her something. So at her vacation kick off party that she threw herself (not joking), I brought her a gift that I put a lot of thought into. I told her I wanted her to take it with her, for safe keeping, to remind her of her family waiting for her safe return from the great state of New Hampshire.

And I passed her a 15 lb slab of granite from my back yard. And deadfaced told her I wanted her to carry it in her pack for her trip because it had good energy in it. The look: priceless.

HappyGiraffe

56. It’s Not The Kid’s Fault

So when she inevitably wound up knocked up at fourteen because “she didn’t want to use birth control and said she didn’t need it” (their actual words) and god forbid anyone parents, their response was it was like Romeo and Juliet (to which my sister got smacked by my mom for pointing out that it was too quick and they die horribly because of selfishness, though she agreed) and they’ll live happily ever after. So when that doesn’t happen because teenagers are impulsive little brats, my grandparents are raising their great grandkid and are loving it.

I love my baby cousin, and because none of this is her fault and you can’t get mad at someone for existing and being born into a toxic environment, I’ve decided to show my disdain for her irresponsible mother by getting her the most irritating toys in existence. For her first Christmas, she got a load of books and a leap frog doggie that talks all the time that she loved. For her second when she needed a helmet due to being in her car seat too much. And it was obvious she didn’t really pay any attention to her kid, I made her a mommy and me blanket with some books for storytime with the cutest little pattern of a mommy elephant and a baby elephant.

The best part is the baby LOVES me since I spoil her and teach her new things, so I know she’s going to love the ball pit with a bag of extra balls I’m getting her for Christmas this year.

CrackersTheBigDuck


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