“There are shades of schadenfreude. My favorite shade is bright red, from a haughty spanking.”—Jarod Kintz.
A loanword from the German language, “schadenfreude” describes the act of taking of pleasure in someone else’s pain. Not limited to mere physical pain, the best (and most common) schadenfreude derives from that sweet public humiliation. The feeling doesn’t reflect humans at their best, but at least these Redditors were honest when asked to spill their most juicy tales of joy… at someone else’s expense.
There were the scary schoolyard (or office) bullies who fell on hard times (an American folktale shared in comfort at this point). There were the scornful exes who looked elsewhere for love and returned with nothing. There were also bad drivers who made a wrong turn at Just Desserts Highway. Schadenfreude comes in all shapes and sizes. Laugh at these 42 delicious tales of delightful, well-deserved pain.
1. None of Your Doggone Dirty Business
My first job in NYC was at a pet food place. I was a brand rep for a local company, and I had to bug everyone who came in, trying to get them to buy one of our $3 sampler packs. I wasn’t allowed to give samples out, which is stupid—dogs will eat their own poop, so of course they’d eat our specially engineered, plant-infused, loose-stool-fixing treats, which would make their owners pick up a few bags, etc. But usually, people just said, “No thanks.”
One day I have to share a table with a rep from a rival company who’s passing out free samples left and right. Goes without saying she’s selling way more than I am. Finally, a woman comes in with two prissy little pugs in matching pink bows. I make my speech, she ignores me. The rival rep throws a few treats down; the dogs, of course, gobble them up. The lady says, “OK, I guess I’ll get a few packs.”
As she goes to check out, a quiet sound fills the store:
hork hork hork
We all look. It’s unmistakable. But we’re too late to stop it.
hork hork hork
The first pug projectile-vomits all over the second pug. The second pug projectile-vomits all over the rival dog-food rep. The woman slowly takes back the credit card she was handing over and rushes out of the store, her puke-covered dogs trailing behind.
The rival rep had to clean all the puke. I had to go outside I was laughing so hard.
Maybe this counts. My wife was sick one morning and I went out to get her medicine and return a DVD to a RedBox machine. There was a couple with their child browsing the movies. After waiting five minutes patiently, I told them that my wife was sick and asked if I could quickly return my movie since it would only take about 15 seconds. In a very rude tone, the wife told me that I could just wait my turn.
I wait a couple of minutes and the child starts crying because the vending machine does not have Gnomeo and Juliet and he doesn’t want to watch Cars 2 again.
I then turn to the wife and show her that I was here to return Gnomeo and Juliet, but I can’t wait for them any longer since my wife is sick, and I have until 9:00 pm to return it. I hopped into my car as the kid falls to the ground in a screaming, kicking temper tantrum.
3. Jack and Jill Went up the Hill…
At a large outdoor music festival: It had rained the previous night, and the concert grounds were very muddy. To get to the porta-johns or beer tents you had to walk down a rather steep/dark decline to where rainwater had pooled in a culvert, before climbing up the other side to the vending area. On my way down the hill, I took a bad spill and was covered in mud. Angrily wiping myself off, I began to notice that everyone seemed to be falling down the hill as I had. After finally procuring some beer, my friend and I decided to just sit on the hill and watch people fall.
The hill turned out to be far more entertaining than the concert, so we sat there for more than an hour watching the seemingly endless stream of victims make their approach. Must have seen 300+ people take a digger on that hill. Funniest night ever.
4. High But Not Dry
A few years ago, I was in college, walking down the sidewalk to my next class. It had just finished raining heavily, and the road was punctuated by very large puddles. So, not a drop was falling, and I’m walking down the sidewalk, umbrella in hand. Just an average Joe.
Coming my way are a group of four girls, very pretty, but really snobby-looking. The type who are so conceited, if you glance in their general direction, they’re already sneering at you as if you’re checking them out. So as they’re nearing me, I see a large, rusted pickup truck barreling my way down the road, at high speed…
Puddles. Redneck. People on the sidewalk…
I suddenly realized what’s going to happen.
I immediately drop to a crouch, open my umbrella to the side facing the road. The girls are probably five feet in front of me. One of them says, in that snobby-girl voice, “Um, what the hell are you doing?” The other ones start laughing in chorus…
The truck swerves into the puddle, throwing a freaking ten-foot typhoon of muddy water up onto the sidewalk!
The truck blares its horn, continuing on its merry way. I can’t believe it. NOT A DROP had touched me. My dork-looking ninja move had saved me.
The girls were all covered head to toe in filthy, college town muddy ditch water, soaked, hair all messed up, clothes stained, snotty looks frozen in astonishment.
Without missing a beat, I stand up and flatly state, “Keeping dry.”
It was the most epic moment I have ever had.
5. Hang 10 on the Highway
Driving three hours to a wedding in a snowstorm. I am a passenger in my friends’ vehicle and he pulls off the highway at a rest stop to use the bathroom. It’s snowing hard and the entire parking lot is empty and has about ten inches of snow on it.
We drive right through the middle of the lot and end up hitting a curb with the entire left side of the vehicle. Luckily, we were in a large Dodge RAM 2500 pickup and traveling about ten mph, so it was a minor bump. He gets out and goes inside, my other buddy and I get out to have a smoke.
As we’re standing there smoking, we see a minivan come flying through the lot… probably going at least 30-40mph and they were headed right for the curb we barely hit. It was like it was happening in slow motion, all my buddy said was “Oh darn, he’s heading right for it…”
He hit it square with both front tires and the van launched in the air like it was straight out of a movie. Came down hard on the front end… there just had to be damage. Guy sees us smoking and tries to play it cool like we didn’t just see him launch his vehicle in the air. We’re doing our best not to laugh our asses off. As he was walking to the restroom he looked back slightly, checking for damage. That’s when I lost it.
6. Parting Gifts
My soon-to-be-finalized ex-wife got a DUI while out with the dude she left me for, less than a week after she dropped the news and moved out. Also, within a week of the DUI, I enjoyed giving her the news that legally I’ll get to keep the house, both vehicles, and am not required to pay her back anything from the $10k her parents gave me for the house down-payment years ago (from before we were married).
Within a month, she went from married with a great combined income in a nice house in a nice neighborhood driving a 2010 Jetta to living with her parents (at age 31), lacking any vehicle, and credit card debt almost equal to her meager public teacher annual salary. Ahhh, too bad…
7. Not Paying Doesn’t Pay
When I was going through a divorce because my wife cheated on me, I allowed her to remain on my health insurance as long as she paid me monthly for the bill until the divorce was finalized. She never paid me, and I had her removed the month before the divorce was final.
She had a huge nose and convinced some crooked plastic surgeon to do a nose job and bill it to the insurance as a “deviated septum” surgery. She was left with a $6,000 bill to pay but would have gotten away with it had she sent me a grand total of $270 for three months of health insurance.
8. Sorry to Drop in
My brother and I (like, nine and 11, maybe?) were waiting in line for a pony ride when this woman shoved us out of the way so her kid could get in front of us. While I was standing there imagining feeding the lady to a pony, blamo! Bird poops on her head. If she hadn’t shoved us, that would’ve been me.
9. Deadbeat Dad
My ex-husband quit his 120k a year pharmacist job because he “didn’t like doing it” (real reason is he got fired for stealing narcotics and is now blacklisted in that town). He has been unemployed for over two years. He lives in his parents’ basement and doesn’t even have enough gas money to come see his kids. Ever.
We haven’t seen or heard from him in three months. We only know what he’s up to by his Facebook status updates. Apparently, he has some girlfriend who moved several hundred miles away from where he lives. He is constantly lamenting trying to save up money to visit her (I’m not even angry about his lack of support or attempts to save up money to see his two daughters).
I just sit back and enjoy watching his crummy life as it just gets worse and worse. Meanwhile, our kids and I are living a great life. Screw him.
10. You Can Always Depend on Your Smash Bros
I’m out drinking at a run-of-the-mill Irish college bar in Boston, having a good time with some friends. We’re in the middle of the fairly crowded room, just talking over the loud music. A random (drunk) dude comes up behind me and gooses my bottom. I turn around and he gets in my face and just stares at me wordlessly with wide, angry eyes, then pushes me in the chest.
Now, fighting is not generally my thing, and getting thrown out of bars isn’t either, but not seeing any other choice, I take a step backward, then forward and give him a really good shove to the chest right back. He flies back about four or five feet but remained standing. I prepare to fight, in anticipation of his charge back at me. The most awesome thing ever happens. Before he can rush me, five guys I have never seen before melt right out of the crowd around this guy, circle him like a pack of hyenas and start beating him up. They all get thrown out, and I finish the night with my friends.
11. Not a Big Fan
At most sporting events you will encounter some of the worst kind of people humanity has to offer. Most are decent people just looking to let go and have a good time with friends, usually heavily intoxicated. But some people, whether it be due to the excess alcohol or them just being walking piles of trash, take it too far.
One guy and his buddies I remember at a hockey game were the worst. Occasional drunken outbursts are some of the most entertaining aspects of attending, but this guy was just in it for the attention. Through the entire first period he is a nonstop torrent of cussing and stupid ranting, loud and proud.
Eventually a father with his two young son tells him to shut it. He pulls the whole tough guy act, glaring him down and trying to goad him into a confrontation with his buddies all backing him up. A security guard making rounds was already watching him and tells him to sit down and, rather comically, to “watch his freaking mouth.” He relents but he does so in a mocking way, still being loud and replacing cuss words with less offensive ones. Taking the time to shoot an occasional glare at the father.
He and his buddies disappear towards the end of the second period. Just when we start to think he got his dumb butt kicked out, he comes stumbling back beer in hand with only one of his buddies. As he makes his way up the steps to his seats, you could tell he was struggling. He climbs about 15 or so steps and tries to switch up his beer-holding hand.
Just as someone yells “Don’t mess up!” his readjustment destroys his already tenuous balance and he topples backwards. He spills his beer all over himself, rolls over his smaller friend, down all the steps, and landing at the feet of the security guard who spoke to him earlier. His fall and subsequent ejection got the loudest applause of the night.
12. Just for Kicks
I was a high school sophomore at my first “real” party. Feeling dorky and talking to some girls I knew from a class. This muscle-head comes up to me, parts the girls with his hands and punches me for no reason other than he was drunk and wanted to make his friends laugh. They all did.
I stay around for another ten minutes trying to regain any shreds of dignity. I then decide to just get out of there.
On my way out, muscle head is lying on the front walkway next to a cracked concrete planter. Apparently, he’d decided he could kick it. Six weeks on crutches for a broken foot.
13. Too Young for Mercy
Here’s mine: When I was 13 years old, I was awkward, introverted and had low self-esteem, I was also dealing with a stressful home life. Lucky me, I was bullied by a classmate.
He wasn’t that much bigger than me, but he had a gang of fellow bullies/toadies that would always hang around and would join in on the intimidation tactics if anyone dared stand up to him. We had three or four classes together, so he found it entertaining to do things like trip me, punch me, spit in my face, kick me in the balls, threaten me, tell me how worthless I was, steal my homework and school supplies, rip my clothes, etc. every freaking day often several times a day.
I complained to the school and the teachers, but the most they did was make him sit on the other side of the classroom from me. Meanwhile, at home, my parents are constantly fighting and getting ready for divorce proceedings.
School year ends, but I have a crummy summer because I anticipate I’ll have to face this jerk the coming school year. The school year starts and like the previous year, the bullying starts anew. Two months into the year, I hear on the morning news that Mr. Bully’s father gets in an argument with Mr. Bully’s Mom and shoots and kills her.
Consequently, the bullying stopped, and I didn’t see much of him after that. I suppose I should have felt bad for him, but I didn’t. Not at all.
14. Moving on Down
I was at the gym running on the track when I spotted a girl on one of those huge Stairmasters with the escalator-type stairs. She slipped and fell, but instead of letting go, she hung on for a while… she was bouncing up and down in pain like a cartoon.
I had to stop running because I was laughing so hard.
15. Run for the Sugar
I was sitting on the porch of my mom’s house when the ice cream truck came through the neighborhood. The kid down the street (fat, mean-faced, buzz cut, striped shirt, the whole nine yards) comes out of his house. He starts chasing the ice cream truck up the hill, he can’t run very fast and the ice cream truck outdistances him. He walked back to his house with the most dejected shuffle I’ve ever seen.
16. Face the Way Out
At my workplace, we have two glass “in” doors and two glass “out” doors. On a daily basis, I will get some jerk angrily complaining about this or that, storm away from the counter and slam face first into the clearly marked, one-way opening “in” doors. And I love it.
17. Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But DUIs Will Break Yours
I went to middle school with a jerk kid who teased me and ragged on me all the time. Total prick. I went through the whole routine of trying to be nice, trying to fit in, trying to stand up to him, telling on him, pretty much the whole thing. Nothing worked, the guy was just a dick.
Junior year of high school, he and one of his jerk friends were driving his brand-new Camaro late one night. They were drunk and high, driving 70mph+ in a 35mph area when they hit a tree. The prick put himself in a coma and gave his friend a few broken bones and had to finish the school year in a wheelchair.
I don’t like to wish those kinds of injury on anyone, but if it had to happen to someone, I’m glad it happened to someone who deserved it.
18. Not Iron Fist
In college, I lived in a six-bedroom house with a bunch of guys. I was gone for the summer and some of my roommates’ friends had problems with me. They thought it would be hilarious to punch a hole in my wall and make me pay the security deposit.
One of the dudes broke his hand on the wall and my roommates made them fix the hole because they knew it was a trashy thing to do.
19. Not Sharing the Love
Manager was engaged to a girl at the company and was boinking a girl on my team as well. Girl didn’t like her review, so his sex buddy tried to get me to sign the change. I would not.
He then put me on night shifts only while my wife was pregnant—as well as having a three-year-old running around.
Fast forward ten years, and my wife overhears a familiar voice going in for an interview in the office next door to her. Yep, it was him.
After he left, my wife had a conversation with the person doing the interview…he was blacklisted.
When my wife told me the story “I had an interesting day…” I couldn’t stop smiling for a month.
20. The Cost of Caring
My inept boss put everyone in the office through major drama in preparation for his overseas trip. He had the IT department bending over backward to get him new tech so he could do work via Wi-Fi in his hotel.
While on the trip, he has been complaining non-stop that he couldn’t connect to the hotel Wi-Fi (which hasn’t been a problem for anyone else on the same trip). He has been emailing and micromanaging via his laptop tethered to his phone.
Well, it seems he forgot to ask for international data roaming on his phone. I just found out that in one week he racked up $4,000 in data charges.
This might explain why I’ve not received any email from him in days.
21. That Cleansing Burn
During a conversation with a client, my boss mistook our coffee thermos for the hand sanitizer and burned the ever-living heck out of his hands.
22. Play Ball
Someone who worked under me decided to quit in a big dramatic way, writing me a three-page letter about how I’m the reason nothing is working, that I’m the worst person in the world, etc. etc. blah blah.
He was literally the laziest person in the world and the entire letter was completely BS.
A few months later, he has an internship with a baseball team: his job is to stand on the pitcher’s mound before the game while the crowd throws balls into a bucket on his head.
23. What Goes Around Comes Around…Eventually
My ex-wife had cheated on me in 1998 just a little over a year after we married. I stayed with her, we had a daughter in 2000, then in 2007 after she graduated with her master’s degree and secured a job, she kicked me out of the house because she “found someone better” while in school.
I kept my cool, was the bigger person as an example to my daughter.
My ex got re-married in March 2010. The guy she married has been cheating on her with three other women and she is in the process of divorcing him. I have been a shoulder for her and just listening to her talk about it until she said this the other day, “There is no excuse for anyone to cheat in a marriage. Absolutely no reason!” I calmly looked at her and said, “You know all this pain and hurt he has caused you? This is what you put me through… twice. Be thankful he can’t take your child from you.”
She just stared at me as it sunk in and I felt like it was all worth it as she realized this was her just due.
24. I’m Taking You All Down With Me
I once had a boss who was an uber-douche. He was several rungs up the ladder and was basically a waste of space and money. When the company was going through a “reorganization,” he realized his position would be seen as pointless and made sure to get on the committee that analyzed the ladder.
He arranged to have the guy below him who worked his butt off fired and he then “took” on those responsibilities, minus being productive in any way. He then proceeded to have investigations into the staff to find out who was loyal to the boss that was laid off. This resulted in many of us being written up for talking to each other about how the fired boss was now doing great at his new job.
I eventually quit after realizing that I couldn’t win against this guy. He has already gotten rid of two or three other people by finding BS excuses to “discipline” them. After I left, he proceeded to get rid of all of the productive employees. Several years go by and I get a call from my mother. That company lost their biggest contract and has gone under. The douche boss was the sole cause of the whole place going under. I love this story!!!!
25. On a Roll
As so frequently happens in the great, white, snowy north, there are few things as satisfying as seeing some jerkface fly by you on a slippery, slushy road and then seeing them in the ditch a few miles later.
26. Teach Yourself
I had two students once write on their TA evaluation of me that I was the “worst TA ever,” that they were majors in the subject and were “highly concerned if this was the quality of education the department provides,” and one was “considering transferring.” Basically, they tried to get me in trouble/ fired, not knowing I’m the only one who sees them.
A few terms later, I was teaching a class they were in (not as their TA), and I had the pleasure of watching them fail. One of them had my lab mate for a TA, and I got to hear her complain about how stuck up she was, considering her “stupidity” (lab mate isn’t as nice as I am). I took way too much pleasure in grading their exams.
27. A Cinderella Epilogue
I spent most of my teen years being tormented by my ex-stepmother and her daughter. She was always seen by my then-stepmother as the angel; the perfect daughter, despite the stuff she did. She tried to frame my dad for pedophilia, would take and sell drugs out of our house, tried to stab me with a knife because she’d been grounded and wasn’t allowed out, would kick up a MASSIVE storm if she wasn’t allowed something, etc..
Needless to say, I was treated as scum of the earth by her mother.
I lived in basically a closet with a window for seven years. My father and mother had to sneakily buy me gifts for things like exam results (mother bought me my first decent laptop for my GCSEs; stepmother insulted my intelligence and called me a spoiled brat). I was constantly treated like I was the troublemaker who’d avoided bail three times. Not saying I was neglected, I had a more comfortable life than some kids out there. But it was still pretty crummy.
Recently I’ve made something of my life, at university and actually achieving the grades I always dreamed of. Dad’s kicked my stepmother out and she’s been begging for him to take her back (to no avail, HA), and my stepsister managed to get herself pregnant (not by accident, through ignorance) and has narrowly avoided jail time. I cannot help but smile whenever I think about it.
28. Summary of Un-Qualification
When I was out of work for a long time, I interviewed at this tech firm to do sales for them. The Marketing Director came from sales and was the typical “I can sell ice to an Eskimo” kind of salesperson. Very Type A, my way is the only way.
The product was the same as many other products and having a technical background, I knew that if we sold the way he was describing, we would get a few non-technical people to buy, but big contracts were not going to happen. I have a degree in Marketing and Computer Science.
I expressed my concern about this. Well, he goes off on me. I try to gracefully leave, and he starts yelling at me as I’m walking out and all the way out the building.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I bring a guy in for an interview to work as one of my reps. The office manager brings him in and I look up from the desk. It’s him. He doesn’t remember me, but it stuck in my memory so strong because nothing like that had ever happened to me before or since.
Being the bigger person, I just do the interview, and was going to be fair and not make anything of it. Finally, I give in.
I say, “I’ve met you before. Do you remember me?”
Me: “I interviewed with you a few years back, you were very rude to me. You yelled some of the most awful vitriol at me I have ever heard. At this time, I’m not going to hold it against you. But I do have significant concerns that you will not be able to hold your temper in difficult situations with our clients. If you want to be at all considered for this job, you better allay those concerns and impress me.”
He looks very confused you can see him reliving his past, then the look of enlightenment hits him. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Not so much the revenge, but the realization that when you put bad into the world, it can come back to bite you.
He said some things to try to save the interview and apologized. I accepted his apology graciously.
But the discomfort was clear for him.
The reality of it is if he was actually qualified for the position, I probably would have still hired him, but he had no experience in relational sales. He was a hard sales kind of guy and that gets you a reputation and nowhere in the healthcare industry.
29. File Under Regrets
Condescending coworker decided he had no chance for advancement in his current company (small business, our boss was the owner). Gave his two weeks notice, bailed out after the first week and screwed over our awesome boss. I had to go looking through his email archive for a client email shortly after and found out all my emails to him were stored in a folder named “derp.”
Meanwhile, we just got acquired by an amazing company. It’s the kind of company you dream about working for, with the best projects and richest clients. I had actually driven by it once thinking, “This is the kind of place I want to work at some day.”
He’s now freelancing for one of our clients whom he hated and would badmouth behind his back and feeling a bit remorseful for jumping ship.
Who’s derping now?!
30. Mother of All Revenge
My friend’s abusive mother detests me. One day, said friend ran away from home; she came to my house to hole-up. Note that we were at my house alone and that I was 16 at the time. The mother shows up on my porch the next morning, harassing me and essentially scaring the snot out of both of us. She proceeds to call the police on me for “housing and assisting a run-away.”
After about three stress-filled hours of being harassed and then talking to the police, my friend snaps and starts going off about all the things her mother did to her. The police took her mother and my friend away to discuss it in the office.
The officer talking to me liked me and gave me his personal number in case I or my friends get in trouble. The mother went to jail for a few days and had the potential for five years (but my friend is forgiving and didn’t press charges). The woman hasn’t seen her daughter since, and my friend is now in the custody of her aunt and uncle who are awesome.
31. When the Playlist Shuffles Too Hard
I was on the treadmill at the gym. This girl was next to me texting over and over. Every time she would receive a text, her phone would blast this terrible music; it was highly distracting. At some point she reaches for her phone to answer another text and fumbles it, it hits the treadmill track which rapidly accelerates her smartphone across the room. I could see the confusion in her face… should I get that or keep running like it didn’t happen…
I failed to keep my laughter to myself, and the thought of how I looked—trying to conceal my laughter—made me have a full-on, teary-eyed laughter fit.
32. Never Too Young to Be LOLed At
When you have kids, schadenfreude is a part of daily life. My four-year-old was shirtless and learning how to “snap” his shirt from his father… he kept doing it over and over until he got it right—which happened to be on the forehead of my two-year-old…
I quickly rescued the baby then scolded my four-year-old for hitting him. He then starts to wind up the shirt again, takes one big swing and generated enough force to snap himself right in the face… nice shiner for his troubles too!
33. You Haven’t Seen the Last of ME
Got laid off. Was chosen as the one to let go because I caused an investigation into unfair productivity reporting and got my manager in trouble. Four months later, got rehired at the same company in a different department making more than anyone in my old department. Feelsgoodman.
34. It’s Contagious
Times Square a few years ago. My buddy and I are liquored up crossing the street. An elderly man is coming in the opposite direction. He steps in a small pothole and just face plants. A ton of folks rush over to help him but being drunk, my buddy and I can’t help ourselves and bust a gut laughing.
A lady cop nearby turns and tries to scold us “I heard you boys laughing!!!” and then she loses it and starts cracking up too.
35. The Law Won
Was driving when another driver merged into my lane without yielding (ignoring the yield sign) and he almost clipped the front of my car. There was a cop right behind me who turned on his lights and flagged the guy down. My friends/I celebrated by yelling justice. It made my day.
36. Every Recession Has a Silver Lining
I had to deal with a guy from Lehman Brothers at work once. He was really rude to me and was in the wrong. I had to calmly and politely explain why he was incorrect, when he realized it he just snorted and hung up. Didn’t even think to apologize for being a rude jerk and yelling at me for 15 mins when he was entirely in the wrong.
Six weeks later, Lehman’s collapsed…
37. Instant Karma
Former co-worker stole an important freelance client from me (by underbidding me, after I had unofficially won the project). Not only that, actually brought a bottle of champagne into the office to celebrate in front of me.
She started the project. I had to scramble and find something else. The client turned out to be a jerk and fired her. I am still working on the other project I found, and it is MUCH better.
38. Sold out of Love
Wife was pilfering money from the marriage, to the tune of about $1,000 per month. It had gone on for a few years before I figured it out. (I thought she was saving the money, she was really stashing it in her dad’s accounts.) Not satisfied to simply stash away her own salary, she began to buy stuff on the joint charge card, then sell it on eBay. I paid the card.
I started the divorce without telling her. During this time, I took my name off the joint card without telling her and began using my own credit card. When the bills came in for that month, I informed her that I would not pay the credit card bills anymore, that she had her own job and her own money and she could pay her own bills. There was the expected ruckus about that, but I stuck to my guns.
A week or so later, she had a screaming foot stomping tantrum about how it wasn’t worth her time to work her eBay business. (Because she now had to actually buy her own inventory instead of just selling stuff I bought).
Yeah, I cracked a smile.
The story ends thusly: I later traded the stolen money—and my silence about the felonies she committed while transferring the money—for shared custody, zero payments to her, and zero claims on real estate, etc. She walked away with less than she’d have gotten if she was honest. I even got the house.
Our divorce was final four months ago.
39. A Serving of Superiority
When I was in high school, I dated a guy who repeatedly cheated on me with his ex. I found out after we’d broken up, and I told him off and broke off contact. A few years later, I’d finished college and started working at a publishing company where I often get free tickets to cultural events in town.
My boss gave me tickets to the opera and also tickets to the little VIP events where they serve free food and wine at intermission and after the show. The first time I’d seen the girl my ex cheated with was at the little VIP intermission gathering.
I was sitting there munching on hors d’oeuvres and sipping wine when I saw her. She was clearing tables with the catering crew. She made eye contact for one second and then immediately turned away and was obviously avoiding me for the rest of the night. It was perfect.
40. An Unconvincing Performance
When video stores were a thing that existed, I assistant-managed one under this real witch who, frankly, didn’t have any business managing anything more complicated than a curling iron.
One night, she convinced her thuggy husband to fake-rob her after closing. To make a long story short, they didn’t get away with it, and they both went to jail. THE END.
They say laughter is the best medicine—but not every place is a pharmacy.
Let’s face it, there are certain places and times where, no matter how much we all love to laugh, it simply isn’t appropriate to do so. Nevertheless, the human body is a funny thing. Sometimes, our lack of control over ourselves can kick in at hilariously inopportune moments.
Here are 42 stories about the most inappropriate times people couldn’t hold back their laughter.
41. Fasten Your Seatbelts for This One…
I couldn’t control myself the time I heard a flight attendant say: “If you require wheelchair assistance, please remain seated.”
42. Till Misunderstanding Do Us Part
We had a priest with a pretty thick accent perform our wedding and part of our vows included the phrase “love and fidelity.” My husband misunderstood and said “love and fertility,” and for some reason, I thought that it was the most hilarious thing I’d ever heard. Probably due to nerves. I said my all my vows with a shaky voice from trying to hold back my hysterical laughter.
43. It’s an Inside Joke
During the ceremony, the judge started his spiel with something like, “Marriage is an institution that is entered into purposefully, soberly, yadda yadda yadda.” The groom, the best man and I made eye contact on the word “soberly” and all three of us lost it. Guess I should add that the three of us were drinking buddies back in our 20s, and have seen each other do all sorts of embarrassing things while decidedly not sober.
Then all our guests lost it because the three of us were practically in tears at the altar.
It was actually a great way to cut the nervous tension, and I definitely felt more relaxed for the rest of the ceremony.
44. You Showed Him Who’s Boss!
I was at a birthday lunch celebration with my boss and about ten co-workers. My boss started opening gifts before we had even finished eating our meal.
One of the gifts he opened was a potato. Yes, a potato, with just a single insulting curse word written across it.
No one had any idea who had snuck that into his gift pile and most people were dead quiet. I, on the other hand, was dying of laughter.
He got the check and stormed out of the restaurant before finishing opening the rest of the gifts.
45. The Show Must Go On
Right before the start of a show, a fellow actor let out the loudest fart possible that went undetected by the audience. And it smelled awful. I couldn’t help but laugh at the timing of the situation. So half of us on stage were laughing quietly, while the other half was gagging.
46. One Small Step for Your Boss, One Giant Leap for Mankind
My boss gave a talk to a squad of disabled athletes in wheelchairs. Not sure who wrote his speech for him, but not only did he say that “It’s important to put your best foot forward,” but he also said that “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
I had to leave the room.
47. Stay Focused!
Mother was yelling at me for being suspended from school. In the corner of my eye, I saw my cat playing with a toy like a maniac. I tried to hold it in and eventually he left. Then out of nowhere he comes barreling in like an idiot, leaps towards his toy, misses completely, and eats carpet on the landing. I laughed so freakin’ hard.
48. So Tell Me About Yourself
I was interviewing a woman for a part-time job in our office when I realized that if you dipped her in blue paint, she would be the spitting image of Nanny Smurf. I started to crack up and realized I was going to lose it in front of her, so I told her I was having an allergy attack. I ran to the bathroom and laughed my head off, went back and finished the interview.
49. Riding High
I was in an elevator full of people. It was my first time being high in public. I couldn’t keep it together. It was an awkward trip to my floor…
50. Always Go Out on a High Note
We were doing playing tests in band class, and I finished pretty quickly, so I decided to secretly watch cat videos. There was this cat that grabbed a string that was attached to a ceiling fan and it started flying in circles. I managed to burst out laughing right when a kid that wasn’t very good messed up.
51. Birds and the Bees
I was teaching health class to a group of teenage students. I explain that girls are born with all the eggs they will ever need. They don’t grow more as they age. A pale, skinny, quiet, freshman boy from the front row raises his hand, as he blushes.
“Is that true for guys…that we don’t make more sperm once it’s gone?”
“No, guys continually regenerate sperm.”
With an audible gasp of relief, he says “Oh, thank God”.
I lost it so bad I had to sit down. Not my finest moment.
52. Ding Dong, the Concert Is Dead
When I was in high school, I went with a friend to the Christmas concert, got there late, and the only place we found to sit was way up front, right behind all of the teachers. We were trying to keep it together the whole time, but then the girl’s bell choir came out. Someone had apparently switched around all the bells before they went on, and what should have been a beautiful Christmas song was a jumbled mess of random notes.
I lasted about 15 seconds before I felt my friend physically vibrating next to me trying not to laugh out loud. I snorted, then he lost it. All the teachers turned around and glared at us. We could not quit giggling. The poor girls on stage were mortified. A couple of them started crying, and they all ran off stage. I still laugh when I think about it all these many years later.
53. Awkward Moment…
I probably shouldn’t have, but I laughed when an old lady had a seizure during church and my friend’s dad assumed that the Holy Spirit must’ve gotten her.
54. Spoiler Alert: The Movie Wasn’t a Comedy
I had just downed my friend’s Taiwanese energy drink. It was English class. We were watching The Pianist. During the scene where the soldiers demanded the old man in a wheelchair stand, I suddenly snorted. I slapped my hand over my mouth but I couldn’t stop. As the two men hurled the poor crippled old man over the balcony I was practically convulsing in laughter.
I didn’t get in trouble, but I got a few dirty looks.
55. Self-Deprecating Humor
I was in a staff meeting when they told us the store was closing and we would all be losing our jobs. It was the first mandatory full staff meeting in the two years I had been there.
I was joking in the carpool to work that we were all getting laid off in one go to save time and when we get there the Big Boss has tissue boxes lining the meeting table.
I knew I was right and immediately started giggling like an idiot. I kept it together—kinda—until they announced the layoffs and then I lost it. Other people were in tears for losing their jobs but the whole thing was weirdly hilarious to me.
56. Bad Timing, Bro
I was in eighth grade. We were watching a very serious movie in class about a tragic historical event. At that moment, a friend of mine leaned over and put these 2 masterfully carved wooden bird pens on my desk. He had bought them at some shop in the mountains over the weekend and waited until then to show me. I couldn’t help myself, it was so weird. I burst out laughing. Teacher pauses the movie. “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY!?” she yelled. I show her the pens, still laughing. I get lunch detention for a week.
57. What Came First—the Donkey or the Egg?
They started playing the “Hallelujah” song at my school.
My friend asks, “Isn’t this the song from Shrek?”
58. Can She Get an Amen?
Well, it wasn’t uncontrollable, but there were a lot of laughs at my mom’s funeral. My grandmother, who was 96 years old at the time and having a bit of dementia, said out loud “Oh you shut your mouth” when the priest started his prayers. It actually lightened up a grim room.
59. What an Entrance!
Dad tripped and fell while walking into the house. I laughed. I got grounded.
60. Forgiveness for This Will Cost You an Arm and a Leg
My brother had a nosebleed in his sleep. He had one of those bunk bed type things, but at the bottom, there was a sofa that pulled out as a bed. As he climbed down the ladder, he put his arm through the metal bars so that his hand was facing downwards and he lost his footing. He snapped his forearm in two between the bars. He came into my room looking like he had two elbow joints in his arm and calmly said: “I think I’ve broken my arm.” He did not see the humor in it…
61. Who Cut the Cheese?
At my roommate’s father’s funeral, there was an old fella in attendance who let out the slowest, clappiest fart of all time. I couldn’t help myself.
62. Knock Knock! Boo Who?
I was in a haunted horror maze. The owners and actors clearly put a lot of time and effort into making it look and feel incredible and scary. But on the first jump scare, my adrenaline spiked and I couldn’t control the constant laughter that followed me the rest of the way. Absolutely shattered the tension for everyone.
63. Failing Royally
At a British airport shortly after the death of Princess Diana, there was a minute of silence in honor of her memory. At that precise moment, my girlfriend burst into uncomfortable laughter. It was so infectious that I ended up in fits of laughter.
I still feel bad to this day.
64. A Little Turbulence on the Airwaves
I’m an airline pilot and often when flying with a co-pilot you get along well with, you will try to make each other laugh while doing the PA to the passengers; mindless things like drawing inappropriate images on paperwork, rolling up newspapers and hitting your colleague over the head with them, or playing Top Gun quotes from your phone. Generally, I manage to choke out my PAs with a reasonably straight face. One time, though, I lost it so bad I snorted with laughter mid-sentence, had to cease the PA, then come back and just admit “Sorry ladies and gentlemen, my colleague was distracting me.”
Most unprofessional, yet hilarious.
65. Clap Your Hands!
My 4-year-old daughter stood up at my grandpa’s funeral to try and sing a hymn, but didn’t know the words—so she started singing ”If You’re Happy and You Know It.”
Funny thing is, my grandpa would have been the first to laugh at that.
66. A Tale of Two Lovities
I used to work in a call center, and on each call, I had to inquire as to whether the customer had cavity wall and loft insulation already.
On one call, I accidentally asked someone if they’d had their “caft and lovity woft,” and immediately burst into an insane fit of giggles when I realized what I had said. Thankfully the person on the other end of the phone saw the funny side.
A few minutes later, I calmed down enough to make another phone call, and for whatever reason, as soon as the next person answered the phone I burst back into giggles.
The customer was nooottttt impressed. I explained “caft and lovity woft” and apologized to the guy, but he told me how unprofessional it was and that it made my company look bad, etc. etc. I apologized profusely but still couldn’t really stop giggling. He hung up shortly after that.
67. Stage Fright
A gal in my small town was murdered and news film crews arrived to film the local reactions. I laughed because I was nervous. Thankfully, they didn’t broadcast that clip.
68. Laugh Like Your Life Depends On It
I was at JFK airport in June 2007 when they discovered a weird terrorist plot to blow up the fuel storage. I was standing outside Terminal 1 when some jerk gets pissed off at traffic and peels out around the unloading cars, only to find a red light in front of him. Within moments, 20 national guardsmen with very big automatic weapons were pulling him out of his car and slamming him on the pavement. There was no sound, except for one lone idiot laughing at the top of his lungs. Me.
69. Who Laughs Last…
I was buying a house and I mentioned to our realtor that we were interested in living on Belcher Street. My wife bursts out laughing at the word “Belcher.” It was infectious so myself and the realtor started laughing. Then we stopped. And she continued. It got weirdly awkward…
70. Covered in Bling
A double leg amputee rolled past me in his wheelchair. He was bookin’ it and had a ton of gold chains on, along with a grill in his mouth. It just seemed so…I dunno, but I found it hilarious.
71. It’s Not What She Said, It’s How She Said It
At my grandfather’s funeral, my grandmother was up front, crying. Everyone was sad. My grandfather was a generous and kind man.
But when the priest said, “Only the body is gone. The spirit still lives on forever.”
My grandmother said “Amen!” loudly and in a very sassy sounding tone.
I broke out laughing. Apparently, the rest of my family didn’t see the humor in it…
72. Let’s Hope She Loves Him for His Sense of Humor
My wedding vows. Husband got through his, then hit a giggle loop that had me struggling to get through mine. To the point where I was a little late on a few responses and my Dad asked my Mom “Is she crying?” “No. No. She’s laughing.”
73. No Time to Be Chiming in
My mother was raised Catholic but grew away from the church for various reasons over the years. Later on, she became very active at her local Baptist church and decided to officially convert. They held a huge ceremony during the Sunday morning service, and the whole family showed up to support her.
Well, there is always music and singing, and being a fairly large church, they had a band with a multitude of instruments. There was this one guy, and his job was to play the chimes. You know, the different ones hanging on strings all in a row? Well, let me tell you, this guy LOVED to play the freaking chimes. It was his only job. He did it with such flourish. He would shove his hand into the air before swooping into the hanging bars of metal. Did you know that he was also able to incorporate chimes into multiple points of all the songs played? Well, he did. Chimessssss all day.
The first time it happened, my husband and I locked eyes in the pew. That was it, we lost it. AND HE KEPT DOING IT! Song after song. We could not get control of ourselves. My father, sitting behind us, was furious.
74. I Feel Like Dad Didn’t Think This One Through…
My dad didn’t want to see me cry at my grandfather’s funeral, so he brought a Jigglypuff Pokemon card that I always thought was funny. I’m crying during the service and he just passes me the card. Couldn’t help myself and started to laugh. In front of everyone.
75. You Didn’t Get a Good Read on the Situation
I think it was around sixth grade. We were sitting in class and the teacher was doing that thing where he goes around the class and has everyone take turns reading a few paragraphs. It came to this one kid who had a little trouble reading.
The kid. Was reading. Like this. With pauses. Between. Every couple. Words.
I really tried to not laugh but I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t even the kind of kid that would do that, I was usually really quiet. This poor kid was trying to read aloud, which was probably already tough for him, and there I was with my hand over my mouth giggling like a little jerk.
76. What Else Could Go Wrong?
I was a paramedic standing next to a dead body. An elderly lady had fallen out of bed, lit a cigarette and promptly died. She had such a pissed off look on her face, like “Great, fell out of bed, can’t get up and what’s this? A heart attack? Well, why not!”
77. Keeping Up Appearances
At my son’s funeral. My daughter—10 at the time—got her hair caught in my niece’s earring while resting her head on her cousin’s shoulder. It was a nice 5-minute laughing session by the three of us, but everyone behind us thought we were crying.
78. Just Making Conversation
This one time at a funeral, my cousins and I saw an older gentleman approach the casket. It was an open casket, and he started talking. No big deal, but what he said killed us. It was something like “Hey Jude. I’d ask how you’re doing, but you’re dead.”
79. This One is Definitely Outside the Box!
I lost control at my grandmother’s wake.
She loved collecting the toys and prizes from fast food places and we had a box of some of her favorites sitting under her casket during the viewing. One of these items was a stuffed, talking Taco Bell dog.
The room was mostly silent, save for some crying people, when suddenly, this darn dog decides to spit out one of his lines. The line? “I think I need a bigger box.” So picture this: in a silent room full of mourning family members, all you hear is that line coming from what seems to be the casket. Everyone just lost it. We were loud enough that the mortician came in to complain that we were disturbing the other patrons.
Grammy would have loved that story!
80. What’s in a Name?
This happened to my dad recently. He had a coworker who was a bit of a cat lady. She and her husband never had kids, so the cats played that role in their lives. One day she came to work pretty visibly shaken up, so my dad pulled her aside and asked what was wrong.
She said her husband was doing laundry last night and while loading the dryer, the cat must have jumped in behind his back. He then proceeded to turn on the dryer and unfortunately, the cat didn’t make it. My dad says, “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that! What was your cat’s name?” She answers “Fluffy”. Dad lost it.
81. Her Special Day Was Special, Alright!
My best friend’s wedding.
As his soon-to-wife was being walked down the aisle by her father, he managed to trip on her wedding dress, theatrically spin around, grab the hat off someone’s head as he clutched at anything to hold on to, and pull his daughter down on top of him, breaking her nose with his forehead in the process. Everyone, of course, rushed to their aid. Me, on the other hand—I fell to the ground absolutely laughing my head off.
As she was being rushed away, I was still rolling on the ground laughing while everyone just stared at me. Just because I was the best man, doesn’t mean I’m a good man. The video still gets pulled out from time to time and I still lose my mind every time.
82. Choking on His Response
I’m sitting in the back of an eighth-grade classroom during a presentation messing around with my friend. Meanwhile, our student presenter has a small but noticeable speech impediment. Every couple of words, he has to pause and catch his breath mid-word. While not paying attention to the presentation, my friend made me laugh—which happened to coincide perfectly with one of the pauses. I immediately feel an entire classroom of eyes on me as I try to look innocent and point at my friend as the object of laughter. But it was too late, no way to talk yourself out of that mess.
83. Basket Case
When I triumphantly scored in a basketball game when I was eight in front of a whole crowd—only to realize it was on the wrong hoop. I have considered asking my sister to formally sign a non-disclosure agreement.
84. We Have So Much in Common!
I was really getting into this girl and finally managed to ask her out on a date. When we get there, things are actually going really smoothly. Then I bring up the fact that my grandparents are straight out of Sicily. She says oh that’s cool. Then I say they’re from a certain town, and she says her parents are from the same town. She goes home and, surprise surprise, she’s related to me! Needless to say, we don’t ever talk about that date we went on. As a matter of fact, we don’t talk much about anything since then…
85. You Need Winter Tires
Once, my dad took me and my two siblings out for a spin in his new car in late December. Along the way, we went around a corner and slid on the ice. Next thing we know the car starts to tilt to about 50 degrees right beside a long drop. We’re all thinking we’re about to tumble to our deaths.
We just kinda awkwardly waited for a bit, until my dad was somehow able to slam the car back onto the main road. He made us promise to not tell mum, with the threat being that we wouldn’t ever get to do anything fun again.
86. Walking After Midnight
I got up one night to get some water, and found that my teenage son was in the kitchen getting food. He was behind the kitchen counter, so I could only see him from the waist up. When he came around the counter into the hall, two things happened simultaneously: He noticed me and his eyes grew wide in horror; and I saw that he was butt-naked except for a pair of socks.
He tried to panic-run backward on the tile floor, but ended up slipping and taking a hard seat on the tile. Worst of all, he dropped his Hot Pocket. I made sure he was ok, then went back to bed and laughed my backside off.
Years later, we were driving and reminiscing about funny memories. I said, “Do you remember that night when…” and he cut me off with, “Yes.” I didn’t even have to specify which night. We knew, and we were silent.
87. Cuddle Up a Little Closer
One night, my best friend and I stayed at a friend’s apartment because we got way too drunk to drive. Our options were the floor or a loveseat. We fought over the loveseat before finally agreeing that we would share it. At some point in our drunken haze, we started absentmindedly cuddling. Waking up in the morning to discover that was weird. We both tacitly seemed to agree that the best way to deal with this was to pretend it never happened.
88. Life is a Highway
When I was 17, a huge photo radar ticket came in for my truck. I had been going something like 40km over the speed limit. My mom was furious at me. HOW DARE YOU DRIVE LIKE A MANIAC! I RAISED YOU BETTER! The whole ordeal.
Then it turned out I wasn’t the driver that day! My dad had borrowed it to pick something up. I asked him how desperately he needed me to take the fall for him, knowing she’d turn on him with the fury of an angry mama bear. And that’s how I got myself a new HDTV that year!
89. Plenty of Fish in the Sea
Me and the wife were out on the lake fishing when all of a sudden, I felt a vicious rumbling in my gut. My stomach was killing and I was about to poop my pants. I looked around and noticed we were nowhere near a dock, and there was nobody else on the water.
So I looked my wife in the eye and told her I was sorry and loved her very much. I then proceeded to hang my behind over the side of the boat and do my business. It was over quite quickly thankfully. My wife passed me a few old receipts from her purse so I could wipe. She told me she still loved me and we kept on fishing as though nothing had happened.
90. Mistaken Identity
My husband and I work at the same small office. We were the first ones in that morning and the other employees usually don’t show up for another hour or so. There’s only one bathroom on our floor, as it’s a small business.
Anyway, I had just had some habanero spicy thing the day before and I was in for some punishment on this particular morning. I’m talking doubled over, clutching your stomach, your farts are fire punishment. I suddenly hear a knock on the bathroom door and I assume it’s my husband.
“Hang on, I’m having the habanero squirts—I’ll be out as soon as I can!” I groan out between awful sounds. I hear a female voice awkwardly reply, “Oh…okay.”
Sorry, Stacy, for pulling you into my terrible morning…
91. Accidents Happen
I peed myself on my friend’s bed once out of nowhere during a sleepover. I realized it and just went back to sleep because I didn’t know what to do. When we both woke up again, it had dried and she casually told me that the stain on that bed was from when she went to bed with her hair wet one time. But it was on my side, and hadn’t been there before. I don’t know what her reason for offering that explanation was, but I know it was me and I still feel awful about it. Either way, neither of us has ever brought it up again.
92. Happily Ever After
My brother had an imaginary girlfriend with an imaginary Facebook profile. She would post loving, imaginary messages on his wall. I asked about her a few times, then got a little more persistent. After a while, I got suspicious and did an image search for her photos. They were for another person in another country. Also, no one ever saw the imaginary girlfriend in real life.
If someone asked me about her after seeing their loving Facebook exchanges, I would kind of imply that we’d met to spare my brother (and myself) the inevitable embarrassment. Eventually, he stopped talking about the imaginary girlfriend and she stopped posting imaginary things. I will never ask what happened to her. I’m pretty sure he will never mention her again. She’s still on Facebook.
93. All I Can Say is Wow
I accidentally farted very loudly at my grandmother’s funeral in the middle of her sister’s eulogy speech. I was 17. Everyone heard it, yet no one has ever acknowledged that it happened.
94. Tick Tock
I came home from a week at Girl Scout camp at 13, and discovered a tick the size of a thumbtack attached to a very private place. I had to go to my mom and get her to help detach it. When she finished, she told me we didn’t ever have to talk about this again if I didn’t want to. Her tone made it clear that she certainly didn’t want to.
95. Illuminating Discovery
As a fireman, our department constantly gets called to the local university dorms thanks to kids who don’t want to go to class, or spark up in their dorm room without cracking a window.
We got an alarm activation at the dorm room at 3 am on a Friday. Nothing really out of the ordinary, we went and it was another routine nonsense call. Procedure dictates, however, that we evacuate all residents and look for a source of the alarm activation. That also means getting a master key and going into any room without an open door.
When we reach the last room on the third floor, the door is locked and no one seems to be coming out. We knocked, banged and finally opened the door forcefully. There was nothing in the room but a lamp, with a muscular naked dude passed out on top of it. My lieutenant looked at me, and not a word was said. We continued our search and to this day have not spoken of that room.
96. Possession is Nine Tenths of the Law
Back when I was a teenager, my father and I had an unmentionable cold war of sorts. There has been a tacit agreement never to speak of it, and we haven’t.
It all started when my mother found my hidden stash of adult magazines. Both parents confronted me about it when I got home from school, confiscated it and, of course, threw it in the bin.
Or so I thought.
Months later, I happened upon my collection, hidden at the bottom of my dad’s wardrobe. Hidden. From my mother, clearly.
So I took it back and hid it in my bedroom. What’s he going to do? Tell my mother I’d taken the materials he’d hidden from her that he was supposed to have thrown out?
Eventually, he found it again. And took it back. And hid it.
And I found it again. And took it back. And hid it.
This went on for years. And it’s never been mentioned.
And it never will be.
97. Top-Down Approach
I once accidentally saw my friend’s mom topless. We don’t talk about it. It was very weird going to his house the next day, I could not make eye contact with her after that.
98. Be Thankful She Was So Nice To You
My husband and I were going to Thanksgiving dinner at the house of some of my dad’s family that I only kind of knew. We got there, knocked, and a woman I didn’t recognize let us in. We went into the home and there wasn’t anyone there. There was also no dinner or sign of any event hosting preparations. So we’re making small talk with this lady and I ask when everyone is coming. She asks what I mean.
Turns out we were at the wrong house. The woman just thought we were friends of her husband’s because he would often randomly bring people home, and that we had simply arrived before he did.
We left and never mentioned to anyone at the real party that we had been in another house on the way there.
99. There’s a First Time for Everything
I got into a car accident for the first time in my life with my younger brother in the car. I stupidly wasn’t paying attention to the car in front of me and rear-ended them pretty hard. Luckily, no one was hurt—but my parents would have killed me if they had found out I had done that. We exchanged information and took pictures, but there was no noticeable damage so we left it at that.
I looked at my brother and we both agreed never to bring it up again. I gave him that car when he turned 18 as his reward.
100. Lost the Battle, Won the War
During WWII, my father was a photographer for the 9th Army Air Corps. Most of the time it was ground-based, but occasionally he flew. During the lead-up to D-Day, he flew multiple missions.
They would fly over France and take pictures until they either ran out of film or the Luftwaffe showed up. To minimize detection, they flew alone with escort fighters circling out over the Channel. In the event of an attack, they’d drop until they were skimming the waves and run for England, passing under the fighters who’d engage the Germans while they fled.
This, of course, did have its risks and on more than one occasion they’d be caught too deep into France. Crew size meant even the photographers had to man a gun.
So with all that, here’s the “let’s never speak of this again” moment. They were still at a high altitude when one of the guns jammed, and the gunner took off his glove. He ended up freezing his hand to the metal of the gun.
He’s yelling for help and my dad goes over and says, “There are two ways to get your hand off. Either we yank it off and take the skin off your palm, or we use warm liquid. I know of only one source of that…”
“Never tell anybody about this,” was said. Dad didn’t keep his word, and thus was born the often told story of how my father pissed on a crewmate’s hand.
101. Friends in High Places
I ran into one of my ex-girlfriends recently at work. I go “Hey, long time no see! What are you doing here? What’s new?”
Then suddenly my boss walks up from behind and says “Hey Bob, how do you know my wife?”
I totally made up a random lie on the spot. She went along with it. No one said anything more or brought it up again.
102. Taking the Plunge
I had to stay with a work friend one night as we had a conference in his hometown the next day. It was weird enough staying in his spare room, but to top things off he had a fancy modern bathroom with a square toilet—which of course, I blocked up in the morning with a poop the size of Mt Fuji.
After 30 minutes of fruitless searching for a plunger while the situation went from bad to worse, he knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. I had to tell him not to come in but to just hand me a plunger and some bleach. Apparently, his girlfriend did the same thing the first night she stayed at his place, so at least I’m not alone. To this day I cannot look him in the eye at work.
103. Scenes From an Italian Restaurant
In high school, a friend and I were eating at an Italian restaurant. We were splitting a pizza and pitcher of root beer. As we were finishing up, a woman comes over to our table to tell us she is very proud that we were so comfortable being open about our relationship—and said she would pay for our meal.
There we were; two straight guys staring at each other while mentally balancing the pros and cons of free food vs. sexual reputation.
Despite being very conflicted, one must never turn down free food. We took the meal and never brought the incident up again.
104. Cannonballed to Oblivion
I was at a pool party in 8th grade. I think I may have been swimming around or sitting weirdly, but I remember a friend of mine told me “Dude, I just saw your privates!”
Me: “No you didn’t.”
Friend: “You’re right, I didn’t.”
We never spoke about it again.
105. Viva Las Vegas
I was in Vegas with my boys and I got trashed early. I somehow ended up in my room and, during the night, I went into the bathroom, fell in the tub and split my forearm open. I just went back to sleep. I wake up to blood all over the white sheets and carpet. At that moment, a cleaning lady comes in and sees me covered in blood and naked. The look in her eyes still haunts me today. I just grabbed my wallet, threw her a 50, and she left. I could have gotten away with murder in Vegas.
106. Ever Get the Feeling You’re Being Watched?
I was a weird kid. When I was 15 years old, I wandered into the living room in my boxers one afternoon, hand down the front, enjoying being home alone. President George W. Bush was on TV saying something about cloning. With little understanding of what he is talking about, I yell at the top of my lungs, “WE’RE FREAKIN’ SCREWED!!!”
When I was home alone and a teenager, I liked to get wacky like this—probably just as an outlet for excess energy and my general facade of being a decent kid. I would dance around, yell random things, you name it. Basically, if you saw me in private at any point in these years, you would have thought I was insane.
Unfortunately for me, I discovered that I had not actually been home alone that day and my mom was in the living room watching this unfold. She yelled at me in shock at my behavior. It was easily one of the top ten most embarrassing moments I’ve ever been in, and it was never discussed again.
107. Really Driving the Point Home
In middle school, my crush’s mom and my mom drove the exact same SUV. They even had similar license plates. After school one day, I ran up, hopped in my mom’s car and started talking. When she didn’t talk back and hadn’t left the pickup row after about 30 seconds, I looked at her. She was not my mom. I look to my right and my crush is standing outside the car looking at me like I’m crazy. I sheepishly got out and ran a few cars back to my real mom.
A few years later, I had moved back to the area and was a cashier at a local store. My crush came through the line, recognized me and started to say “weren’t you that girl who…” where I just interrupted with a “yes,” handed him his change and quickly started with the next customer.
108. It’s Hereditary
This is my friend’s story.
She smoked a bit in high school but obviously hid it from her parents. This one time, she came downstairs in the morning to find some …substances sitting on the kitchen counter. She knew for sure it wasn’t hers and that she wouldn’t be stupid enough to leave one out like that. Her mother soon walked downstairs and started cleaning up around the kitchen. When she ran into the joint, she paused, locked eyes for a bit with my friend, said “Uh-oh,” and quickly brushed it away. They both pretended that it never happened.
109. Two of a Kind
I accidentally started kissing my girlfriend’s identical twin sister. Nuff said…
110. A Friendly Favor
My friends and I were playing Never Have I Ever and I brought up that I’d never had a hickey. They decided it would be a good idea to forcefully change that—so two of them pinned me down, while two others sucked on opposite sides of my neck. No one was really sure how it got to that point, but it happened and hasn’t been brought up since.
111. A Romantic Evening
I once tried to make love in a hotel bathtub. The bathroom was very small, there were no lights, and the faucet was leaking. Also, our golden retriever walked into the room and decided to come sit with us—and entered the bathtub while the act was going on. It was definitely one of the weirdest nights of my life, and is never to be spoken of again.
112. Attempted Manslaughter
My wife and I were at my cousin’s apartment in a big city. They have a balcony on the 40th floor. We were all outside on the balcony drinking some beers and getting a little drunk. My wife rests her beer can on the railing of the balcony. I scold her and go to move it when my half drunk and clumsy self accidentally knocks it off. We watch in horror as it falls 40 stories in slow motion and hits the ground like a bullet next to a crowd of people. We never mentioned it to anyone.
113. For One Night Only
My friend and I are very laid back and live in a conservative and very religious part of the country.
One night, while he was going through a really messy divorce and we were away in Europe, I decided on the spur of the moment to take him to the red light district of Amsterdam.
Naturally, we cannot speak of that night. Ever.
114. Revisionist History
Last week, I was in the separate bathroom at work, “pooping” and just buying some time until the end of the day (there wasn’t much to do).
I accidentally had the door unlocked and this coworker opened it and saw me on the toilet. I didn’t know what to say, so I just said “Hi!?.”
Before the end of the day, I told him that whatever that was didn’t happen.
115. A “Ham” Sandwich
When I was younger, my sister took our pet hamster and swallowed him whole without realizing I saw. I didn’t, and still don’t, know what I should do with this information.
116. Cloud Watching
I was about 15. Definitely old enough to know better.
I was putting spiders and ice cubes on the super hot wood stove because the Leidenfrost effect was interesting.
I thought it would be funny to do it with urine. Turns out it was not.
For the uninitiated, what happens is the pee vaporizes and, depending on the volume of your bladder, produces a thick and clearly visible dark brown cloud. If you can imagine the smog line in LA, it looks like that. That cloud hugs the ceiling and hangs down about a foot. It doesn’t really move because it’s water vapor, and it leaves a film on everything it touches.
It smells like… well… like burnt pee, and you can also taste it in the air. The cloud absolutely does not dissipate before your mother gets home from work.
That was the only time I can remember her looking at me with actual hatred—and now we just act like it never happened.
117. Taking One for the Team
I was trying to teach my girlfriend how to drive my manual car. She told me she had done it a few times before and knew what she was doing. Fast forward ten minutes and I no longer have a front bumper. She continues with “I can’t believe I did this! Your friends and family are gonna think I’m an idiot!” I just replied with “I did this,” and we haven’t spoken of it since. Everyone thinks I’m the idiot.
118. Till Death Do Us Part… Or Not
When my best friend died, we figured he would have liked a “sky burial” of sorts. So at the height of the funeral party, we released his ashes into heavens with a giant balloon.
After a few meters of flight, the string snapped and his remains rained down and covered the mourning crowd.
Everyone made their best efforts to get very drunk as soon as possible. No one there will ever speak of this again.
119. Love Story
I had a bout with internal bleeding and really low blood pressure. I was in the hospital and instructed to not try to stand or walk since I’d faint. I didn’t obey that suggestion.
I went to try and use the washroom. My girlfriend saw and chased after me. She caught up just in time to throw herself between me and the floor to prevent me from cracking my head open as I fell back unconscious, pants down, peeing all over everything on the way down.
I awoke with her sandwiched between me and the tile floors, lying in a pool of my urine.
And that’s actually the moment I realized I should marry that girl. Anyone who cared about me to that extent was worth keeping.
But that’s not the story I tell when someone asked, “When did you know she was the one?”
120. Let Off With a Warning
I was on my way to spring break driving from Ohio to Florida and got pulled over. Being a dumb 19-year-old, I had been steadily smoking the whole time. But that wasn’t even the worst of it. I also had a massive stockpile of other illegal substances that I had planned on sharing with my buddy in Florida.
Cop tells me to get out of the car since he can smell drugs. He sits me in his passenger seat and starts interrogating me. I openly admit how much I have since I know he knows it’s there.
The hard drugs were in a Pringles container with a false bottom in a bag full of regular snacks. I figured I’d be safe with that. However, during the questioning, I begin to think “what if he knows these stash cans exist?”
When he finally asks me if I have any other drugs in the car, I hesitated. In that moment of hesitation, I knew I gave away that I had more on me. So I told him where to find the drugs.
After searching my car, he finds everything exactly where I told him. He asks me “What would your parents think?” and proceeds to call my dad.
My dad gave me a good scolding until he felt that I had learned my lesson. He agreed not to bring it up again or even tell anyone about this as long as I stayed clean in the future. He never even told my mom.
We shook hands on “Let’s put this in the vault and never speak of it again,” and haven’t looked back since.
121. A Match Made in Hell
I accidentally matched with my cousin on Tinder.
I was like “Wow, she is hot—wait a second, that’s my cousin!” while rapidly swiping. It was too late. It all happened so fast and I had already swiped “yes” before I realized who she was. Same thing must have happened to her, because we matched. I just messaged her and said “We never speak of this, agreed?”
She agreed. And we’ve never spoken about it. Things are weird around the holidays. We just kinda make eye contact and then one of us finds a reason to leave the room immediately to go and talk to other family members with whom we have not matched on Tinder.
122. Falling for This One
One time, I was taking a poop and feeling very faint. I started getting cold sweats, feeling dizzy and light headed. In a panic, I shouted for my wife to come help me. As she entered the room, I proceeded to faint. I fell off the toilet and rolled my body onto my side to prevent injury. Mid-fall, a solid turd torpedoed out of my butt across the floor—leaving a trail of poop smear. When I came to, my wife was standing there in shock. I got up, grabbed some toilet paper, picked up my shame and we never spoke of it again.
123. Doing the Legwork
So back in high school, there was a girl who sat behind me in Spanish class who loved to put her feet against the back of my chair and push. It was annoying for me, so I would always turn around and slap her legs so she could know to drop her feet. She would do it so much that I got into the habit of just slapping her legs without even turning.
So one day, I feel her feet on the back of my chair as usual and throw back a slap without looking. Her legs felt oddly soft, but I thought I was just imagining things. Her feet remain up against my chair, so I throw an even harder slap. It’s still soft. I turn around to see what’s going on.
I had slapped my Spanish teacher’s butt. Twice. She stared at me in shock, said nothing, and then just proceeded to act like it never happened.
124. Right In The Schnoz
The most awkward moment of my life thus far was with a stranger. I was in the Quebec airport going through customs with my family. Because of some recent changes to their system they didn’t have everyone in a line, but instead in a large pen where they would release ~50 people at a time (chaos). When my family is at the front, they release us and everyone is running forward in a mass trying to get to the kiosks.
Next to me is a tall Swedish man trying to get his family a kiosk, he is running forward and waving his arm behind him in a “come on” motion—clearly frantic. Well, somehow the worlds aligned where his middle and pointer fingers went perfectly into my two nose holes. Perfectly, as he then ripped his arm upwards to motion his family forward, my nose was also ripped forward, and I immediately began bleeding—everywhere. He looked at me in horror, my family looked at me in frustration as we needed to get to a kiosk, the customs agents looked at me in bewilderment. The language barriers made the situation all the more awkward.
125. Irresponsible Faculty Meeting
One of my favorite moments:
I walk into the school office to check my mailbox. A parent of one of my students sees me and says very loudly, almost screaming, “Oh, FINALLY!!!! LOOK, EVERYONE, I FOUND A TEACHER!!! Do you realize that I left work EARLY to come here after school to talk to my son’s teachers about his report card, and you are LITERALLY the ONLY teacher I have found?!!! I went from classroom to classroom and everyone is GONE!!! Do you know what time it is?!! It’s 3:45 pm! School ended FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!!! FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!! And you’re the ONLY teacher STILL HERE!!!! CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY EVERYONE IS GONE?! CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY EVERY TEACHER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING WHEN SCHOOL JUST GOT OUT?!!!!”
I paused, waiting to see if there was more. When I realized he had finished, I said, “All the teachers are in the library. We’re having a faculty meeting.” The look on his face was priceless. He knew he was in the wrong, but by that point, he had committed so fiercely to his anger and righteousness that he couldn’t just apologize. So he said, “Well that’s just irresponsible.” And he walked out of the office.
126. Slapping the Teacher
It happened in grade nine.
I don’t know why but me and my friends would play this stupid game where we would try to sneak up on each other and slap the back of our heads as “our way” of saying hey.
I spotted my buddy Rhys at the end of the hall and snuck up the best I could and wound up a home run slapper.
He noticed last second and ducked.
I ended up slapping the heck out of my teacher’s boob as she turned the corner.
After the slap, it felt like time was frozen.
Kids in the hall all just stopped what they were doing and the teacher just kind of stood there in shock.
I was so embarrassed I cried. In the hall. Surrounded by kids from my grade.
Then I got sent to the principal’s office, where I got a one day in school suspension for “hitting a teacher.” I think the punishment was so light because the teacher felt sorry for me.
The phone call to my parents explaining what happened sucked. My mom was just disappointed in me—in some ways that just made it worse—and my dad just kept laughing.
I got called “boobie” for two years.
I’m 23 now, but my friends still bring up that story.