“‘Well?’ Ron said finally, looking up at Harry. ‘How was it?’ Harry considered it for a moment. ‘Wet,’ he said truthfully. Ron made a noise that might have indicated jubilation or disgust, it was hard to tell. ‘Because she was crying,’ Harry continued heavily. ‘Oh,’ said Ron, his smile faded slightly. ‘Are you that bad at kissing?’ ‘Dunno,’ said Harry, who hadn’t considered this, and immediately felt rather worried. ‘Maybe I am.'”―JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
There are good dates, and there are bad dates. But, while good dates can sometimes be memorable, it is hard to top the memorable bad dates that stick with us for years. Though most bad dates simply involve some interests that are not shared and long awkward silences, once in a while there are the glaringly bad dates which grow so awkward, sometimes there is nothing to do besides laugh. Luckily for us, the internet is a place chock full of bad date stories. Here are some of the best bad date stories shared by Redditors who are not afraid to look back on their past and acknowledge the awkwardness. Since we have all been on bad dates, maybe this will bury some of those dates that can’t seem to be forgotten.
38. Meal Ticket
This is back in the prehistoric era known as the mid-1990s when I was 19. I met a cute redhead at a party and instantly asked her out. So we go out to dinner, her pick, and she chooses Marie Callendars (I’m like WTF? But hey supercheap date). The entire time we are there nothing but silence though she orders a huge meal and I’m thinking she has the metabolism of a race horse to be that skinny and eat so much food.
Our meal shows up and she goes down on the pot roast like a savage and in between bites she regales me with how she lost her job and is living in a rundown house that has a leaky roof, the powers been turned off, oh and she and her LESBIAN girlfriend have been starving (her emphasis not mine).
With that revelation, I’m struck speechless and don’t really know what to do. She has her leftovers boxed up (plenty for her girlfriend) and dashes before the bill is even presented to me. At least we were too young to drink.
Some friends confirmed her story and I was the butt of some jokes for awhile. Even at the time I found the whole thing surreal and hilarious. At least shortly afterward.
37. Fool Me Once, But Not Twice In One Night
Met a girl online, decided that we should meet for a date (I’m female BTW—this sort of matters). I arrived in a strange town that I didn’t know so I relied on her to show me around. She took me to a youth LGBT group, I thought we were staying, didn’t mind—it’s a bit odd but I was newly “out.”
Turns out it was just a chance for this girl to show off that she did, in fact, have a date (they didn’t believe her apparently) and I existed. It was really awkward. When the youth group leader came in, she stood up, grabbed my hand and said “later” and we walked out.
Went to a bar for a drink, and then on for some food. It wasn’t going well, she was very odd, but I was new to all this, and in a town I didn’t know. Once we’d eaten she said, “oOh I just need to see a mate who’s staying at xyz hotel”—fine, went to see this friend.
Oh no. She’d booked a hotel room for us for the night! Yeah—I left pretty quickly after that. I may have been inexperienced, but I wasn’t about to be tricked into a night in a rough hotel with an odd little lesbian. No thank you.
36. But, What About The Talking Bird
Was running out of options of “single girls in my area” and ended up meeting up with a girl because she said she had a talking parrot. I thought that was pretty cool, and had nothing better to do and decided that a Saturday Pub Lunch with company was better than one alone. And I might get to see a talking parrot.
So I took the hour drive out of town and met at the place of her choosing. She was nice enough, and the talk never got awkward, but I was spending the whole time trying to figure out how to angle for going back to hers to try and make a bird say dirty words, all without coming across as a bit creepy (Yes I was also very childish).
I brought up the parrot to test the waters, and I could see I’d set off the creepy alarm in her head. Things got a bit monosyllabic after that, so I paid for her meal and we left it there. I asked if she wanted a follow-up date in my town, and she said, “Ohhh it’s a bit far away isn’t it?”
Yeah. Bye bye parrot girl. The meal was nice though.
35. Reunion Overshadowing
First date with a girl from the internet. Had never met her before, so we got coffee in what was usually a busy-ish cafe. Coffee shop was empty except for us and one guy sitting alone at the table right next to us, looking like he was both incredibly nervous and about to cry.
We get our coffees and start in on the getting-to-know you conversation when another guy shows up with a bag and sits down with the first guy. Second guy looks equally nervous and equally close to tears. We try to continue conversing, but their conversation is so compelling that we kind of give up and start eavesdropping.
“Thanks for coming. You didn’t have to meet me, I wouldn’t have blamed you.”
“It was the right thing to do.” (hands bag to the other guy) “Pretty sure that’s all of it.”
“I don’t need or want any of this back. I’m never going to look at it again.”
“You think I want it around?”
“No, it’s just… I know it’s not fair of me to say this, but it hurts. I miss you.”
(Quietly) “I miss you too.” (Louder, more confidently) “But I can’t do this anymore.”
(Takes the other guys hands on the table, looks deep into his eyes) “I’m so sorry. I’ll never stop being sorry.”
(Looks back, eyes full of longing) “I want to believe you. We had a really great thing going.”
(Places hand gently on the other guy’s cheek) “It can be great again. I’ll do anything for another chance. Anything.”
These two guys went from breakup to the most epic, tearful, emotional reunion either of us had ever seen, right next to us. By the end they were making out and cuddling and crying with us and the barista just kind of staring at them in silence. Sort of overshadowed our date.
34. Wasted Beginnings
My girlfriend and I (now wife of almost ten years) went to a local waste treatment plant to look at shorebirds with binoculars. That was pretty strange.
33. Getting To Know The Grandparents
Got a ride back to my hometown with a guy that I was very casually sleeping with in college (his grandparents lived in my hometown).
He asked if we could stop by his grandparents’ house before he dropped me at home, and I said sure. As we’re pulling up to their driveway, he says to me, “Um, don’t get weirded out if they think you’re my girlfriend.” So I ask WHY they would think that, to which he replied that he told them I was.
The next two hours were spent getting to know all about his grandparents and them getting to know me. It started off awkward and I was mad, but they turned out to be truly amazing people who escaped a war together at 15 years old and have been madly in love ever since. I haven’t spoken to the guy in years, but I still visit his grandparents. I love them.
32. Survived Thanks To Random Bros
Girl went on for 20 minutes about how she was a “francophile.” For the unknowing, this is apparently someone who loves all things French. She had never been to France.
Two dudes at the next table over had the waitress bring me over another beer before the current one was done. Downed both of them to get a good buzz on and got the hell out of there. To those bros, thank you.
A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one.
31. What An Informative Date
This was a second date with someone I met on Tinder.
The first had been typical meet up for drinks at the local bar, we stayed a couple hours and had chemistry, made out a little on the walk afterward but both had 6 am alarms the next day and went to our separate apartments.
For the second date she invited me to the taxidermy museum in Gowanus. I’ve just discovered now that this place closed recently, but its motto was “exploring the intersections of death, beauty and that which falls between the cracks.” This is, for lack of a better word, a hipster-capitalist museum that is really just a gift shop; lots of dead things for sale, stuffed, bones, jarred, etc. Lots of things outside my price range.
But there’s also a basement which, I suspect, retains the climate control system original to the building, which is to say that when filled with 30-40 warm bodies on this cold winter evening, the temperature was actually pleasant but the humidity was about 250%, making it feel like the image of a dank dungeon.
The occasion was a lecture being given in the basement, by a traveling professor, on the subject of prostitution in France in the interwar period. It mainly consisted of a slideshow with compromising pictures of some particular French prostitutes.
It was very informative and memorable.
30. Drinking Alone
This has happened twice to me. I’ll be talking to a girl, and then I’ll ask her out, specifically using the wording “We should go get a beer sometime.” And they’ll agree, and we’ll go to a bar with a great selection of beer, and I’ll order one, and at this moment they’ll tell me they don’t drink alcohol.
Like, why wouldn’t you have said it before? We’d have gone to a coffee place or an ice cream place or something, because now I feel stupid getting drunk while you’re drinking peach juice.
29. That Took A Twist
I went out with a girl to a nice Japanese restaurant. I got there first and waited at the bar. She walked in, saw me, and walked out immediately without a word. I went outside and asked her if she was ok and she told me “I can’t really be in there right now.”
We went to an Irish pub instead, and had some very awkward small talk filled with long silences. After about 45 minutes I told her I thought it was pretty clear that this wasn’t working and we didn’t have to stay, we could just go. I took her back to her car parked at my house and we said goodnight.
Right before I opened my front door she asked if I wanted to get a drink at the bar across the street. I said sure, we had a great time, got hammered, went back to my place and had brain-melting sex.
We’ve been married ten years now. She has some pretty serious anxiety issues that come and go, and for whatever reason the crowd/atmosphere at the Japanese place really set it off and it took her some time to recover.
28. Want To Help With The Groceries
Probably one from about five years or so back…
I had just moved to London, and met this guy on a dating website, he was generally not my type. Still, I was fresh out of a long-term damaging relationship and trying to meet new people yada, yada.
Fast forward to the date, and he takes a call from a girl and he says to her, “oh I’m just in the pub with (male roommates name)” I can hear her on the other end getting worked up about something and him telling her to calm down. Alarm bells already ringing.
He hangs up the phone and says “that was my fiance, but not a real one, just one I’m with for her visa.” At this point I’m already thinking “bloody hell.” He continued on with his excuse: “She also lives with me” (in his two bedroom apartment with this other roommate—cosy). “Oh yeah, I should probably tell you I’m getting married in three weeks.”
At this exact point, I just said “well, I’m going home” and start pulling on my coat.
His reply was even more classic, “do you want to help me buy groceries first?”
27. Don’t Zorb And Date
Second date. Went zorbing. Anyone who doesn’t know what it is, you get strapped into a giant inflatable ball and rolled down a hill. It was awful, the ball wasn’t inflated properly so every rotation you hit the floor it hurt, it was wet so there was water inside the ball and we had to jump out at the bottom of the hill into a puddle so wet sock galore.
The whole experience was horrible. Gave us something to talk about though, been together nearly four years.
26. Meet My Boyfriend
Hot girl from class randomly walked into my dorm room, the door was normally open during the day. She was in the building visiting a friend and saw me playing guitar so she came in and started flirting.
She asked me to meet her at a nearby bar that night at ten so I agreed. I get there at ten and she introduces me to her boyfriend.
I finished my beer and went to the bar my friends were at.
25. Just… No
Tinder matched with a guy who was half an hour late for the date. The first thing he said to me was “You’re too tall, you’re taller than me.” I’m 5’5″, was wearing flats—nowhere on his profile was his height listed, never mentioned anything about it. He said he’d buy me a drink for being late, so I figured I’d get a beer out of it.
We chatted for a bit about our jobs and school and whatever. I check the time, and realize I have to catch my bus back home—I lived in the suburbs with my parents at this point. He says “Okay, I’m coming with you.” “Uh, no.” ”Well, I guess you can come back to my place. My roommate is there though.” ”I’m not coming home with you, I made that clear long before we even met up.” “I bought you a drink! You owe me!” “What the hell? I owe you nothing.”
He puts on this super angry face and starts negging me. ”You’re not even that hot.” “I am not going to sleep with you. I’m going home.” He just stalks off in the opposite direction. I get a message on Tinder later. ”This isn’t going to work out.”
Uh. Obviously. Lol. Came across this dude on Bumble later. His profile pic was a pic of his abs; the secondary pic was him “sexting” with a girl. Lmao. Good luck pal. Good luck.
24. What A Bizarre Date That Didn’t Happen
We had been talking on the phone for about a month already. He tells me his car is booted—outside of his house. He had a long drawn out story about how he could not get the boot removed. His dad was staying with him and he thought would be able to use his dad’s car but now he can’t. So I go to get him to go somewhere to eat.
He starts panicking saying, “Oh great, now I’m in the car with you and I’m going to get accused of rape or something.” I asked him what the hell he was talking about. He just kept rocking in his seat anxiously, worried that he would be accused of rape. I drove to the nearest area with food and asked him where he wanted to go. He said he had no money and wanted to go home. So I took him home.
Then he asked me if he could borrow $20. I don’t know why, but I gave it to him. After this, he called me repeatedly and I ignored his calls. He texted me asking why he was “not good enough for me to date.” I kept ignoring him.
Fast forward three years. He is on a dating site I am on. He messages me but does not remember who I am. He tells me that a year ago his longtime girlfriend passed away—the one he had lived with for ten years. So, he was not staying with his dad, and he was freaking out because he lived with his girlfriend when he met me, right outside of his house. I called him out on it and he tried to pretend I had the wrong guy. But he had the same name and worked at the same place, and looked like the same guy.
23. Don’t Assume
I went on a date with a guy in my apartment block, only to see his disappointed face when my girlfriend called me on the way home. I realized he’d assumed I was gay and that I’d assumed he was just a friendly guy wanted to hang out.
22. Dating To Steal
I went for a meal with this girl I met through a dating app and it was going really well. We started talking about movies and then we decided to go to the movies to go watch Inception. She said there was a cinema nearby but I didn’t know the area at all, so I used the GPS on my phone and she held it and directed me.
Once we got there we started walking inside and I realized I didn’t have my phone in my pocket. I said I must have left it in the car and started to walk back to get it. She was trying to get me to leave it and saying we would miss the film but the phone was only about a week old so I was really paranoid about it. We checked the car for about ten minutes but we couldn’t find it. I asked her to check her jacket and her bag but she said it wasn’t there.
A couple parked next to us so I asked them to ring my number because I couldn’t find it. It started to ring and it was obviously coming from my dates handbag. She took it out and said she must have missed it. I thanked the couple and locked my car and as I turned back around she was walking the other way. I ran to catch up and asked what was going on but she was very dismissive and was barely talking. That’s when I realized it wasn’t an accident and just left her to walk home alone.
21. Woah, Woah, Woah Now
The first time I ever used Tinder was also my worst experience with Tinder. The date itself was fine—a little stiff—but fine.
Typical questions like what are you studying, where did you grow up, etc. We ate dinner and I didn’t plan on meeting up with him again.
The next day I got a text from him saying, “Hey.” I text him back “Hi.” He asks me what’s up, I say not a whole lot what’s up with you…
End up getting a HUGE paragraph back talking about his creative process for writing (and trying to direct) a specific type of porno where women crush rats and tarantulas between their breasts. WHAT THE HECK!
20. Used Like A Saxophone
Got asked out by a girl I knew and was sort of interested in, but didn’t really know all that well. We went to an open-air jazz concert, not really my thing but sure. Once there she immediately was all over me (hugging, sitting on my lap etc.) Things were going great (or so I thought).
It was at that point when things started getting weird: several band members where giving us strange looks from stage, while playing their jazz music. One piano player was mouthing things in our direction, but I couldn’t make out what he wanted. People were rude to me for no reason whatsoever while getting drinks.
Long story short: my date knew just about all people there and wanted to get back publicly at her (very large) boyfriend for cheating on her. Don’t hate on me jazzpeople, I’m just an innocent sucka! Awkward ending: I met them both later that evening at the train station and she pretended not to see me.
19. Parents and Video Games
I met a guy from OKCupid. The first time we met up in a public place and just had a casual chat. It wasn’t a horrible date, but it wasn’t very memorable either. I decided to give him another try because it could have just been nerves. The second date he invited me over to his place… I knew he lived with his parents, but I kind of assumed they’d be away.
They weren’t away. They kept coming into the lounge room and giving us iced tea and chips whilst he played XBox in his track pants (no shirt) and I sat there awkwardly watching. He didn’t really speak much to me. It was 11 pm, and he was in his 30s.
18. Going On A Date With Your Buddy
A friend set up a double date with a girl he was dating sophomore year of college, and she said she’d bring her friend, who she explicitly said was a female friend. My buddy and I met her and her friend at a bowling alley for rock and bowl. She had brought her cousin. Her male cousin. Who was 15.
Then she basically just spent the whole time talking to her cousin and ignoring my friend. So, me and my friend just had a heck of a fun time bowling and chatting it up with the other people at the alley.
Then we all went to get late night appetizers from Applebee’s and she ignored my friend the whole time as well, so we made it our goal to make the waitress/waiters around us laugh as much as possible.
My friend and I headed back to his mom’s so I could get my car and told his mom what happened and she was like “So… you two basically went on a date with each other.”
17. Must Love Pigs
Met a girl online, talked it up, and while she seemed a bit immature, thought heck, why not? She casually mentioned she really liked pigs. What she meant to say was she was obsessed with pigs. OBSESSED.
Go to one of the best restaurants in the area for a first date (bad idea). Sometimes pictures are from someone ten years prior, or the person hides things, etc. But that wasn’t the problem. She looked just like her pictures. But I didn’t even have to have seen her first, because everything else gave it away.
She came in a giant T-shirt that had a sparkly pink pig on it. Earrings? Pig earrings. Bracelets? Yep, pig bracelets—I swear her dad might have been Homer Simpson. She had this headband on with a little pig on it. Her shoes? Yep, pigs on the front of the toes! But best of all? She had a GIANT (or at least it seemed giant) pink purse with the face of a pig on it.
You could not stop seeing it once you did. And I’m sure everyone else in this nicer/classier restaurant saw it too. I felt overdressed with her but under-dressed with every other couple there. It was beyond embarrassing. For some reason which I have to convince myself was politeness not stupidity, we still had dinner. But Reddit, it was the fastest damn dinner I’ve ever had at a sitdown place.
I practically blurted out something about how “oh, you really do like pigs…” which she started giggling (oinking?) and going on about how everything she has is pig themed. Then she wouldn’t stop, and it became the dominant part of the conversation.
There were a dozen other things that made it a train-wreck, but these were the clinchers to a solid 0/5 date. I remember afterward consoling with a friend of a friend, because I had to tell someone; and then I promptly buried this as my worst date.
16. The Past Comes Back Slowly Sometimes
I was on a train coming home from work and saw this GORGEOUS girl. Couldn’t keep my eye off her. Then I realized I used to go to church with her like 15 years before! We weren’t friends… it was early puberty for me so I was still in the picking on girls and being mean to them phase, but oh well, that’s in the past!
I went up, asked her how she’s been what’s she’s been up to. Ah reconnecting! I asked her where she worked, and she told me, turned out we were about a block apart in the city, so I asked her if she wanted to grab lunch one day.
The next day, I text her, we grab lunch, and it’s going splendid, but something is off….. She is asking very general, “first date” questions. Now, while I’m more than happy to answer, it was bothering me…. then it hit me. She didn’t remember me.
I must have been so friendly, confident, or something when I approached her on the train that she agreed to the date. And now here I am, thinking I’m reconnecting with someone, and she didn’t remember me…
Well the date went great anyway, she had off the next day so we decided to meet up the day after… Fast forward to the next night and I get a text from her.
“I just remembered who you are. Don’t text me again. Don’t come near me on the train.”
Apparently, 12-year-old me was a real jerk.
15. Phantom Opera
He took me to the opera, except we never actually got there because, not knowing the area, we didn’t know exactly where it was or how to find it. Later I realized we actually were very close but the opera hall was surrounded by scaffolding, so we didn’t recognize it from the photos.
Instead we went to Pizza Hut. He spent the entire night talking about website design and computers, which was sort of fine as I’m somewhat interested in those things, but he didn’t talk about anything else and, at points, seemed more like he was interrogating me.
Afterward he said we couldn’t go out together because I knew too much about computers.
It wasn’t an unpleasant evening. It was just a bit strange.
14. Making The Date Age Appropriate
I went on a date with a boy when I was about 16.
Anyway, he was older. I lied about my age and even though I literally looked 11, he still believed me (super dumb of me, right?)
He was in his 20s. “Let’s get a drink, yeah?”
Me being too weird to tell the truth, I agreed.
Flash forward and we’re outside of the bar, it’s our time to go inside and the bouncer checking ID asks me about mine. “Uhhh, sorry, I must have left it at home.” I defensively exclaimed. He knew I was bullshitting. I did too. My date looks at me weird and he starts interrogating me, I literally cracked with embarrassment.
I started sobbing and at that point, I tried to run inside the bar like I actually had a chance. I even threw a tantrum causing a HUGE scene. Way to show my true age. After, he looks at me with a blank expression and I honestly was crushed. We’re in the car leaving at this point and it was nothing but silence until he was like, “let’s go somewhere age appropriate then.”
“Age appropriate?” I was shocked, he wasn’t even mad at me. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I just sat in the back of the car, mentally beaten.
We drive for a while and I honestly thought I was going to get kidnapped. Then eventually, we pull up to a Chuck E. Cheese and he leaves me there.
13. Cul-de-sac Fun
Got set up on a date with this pretty awkward guy, he picked me up in his car which was sort of cool considering we were in high school but oh my god he was a nervous driver. So nervous in fact that he accidentally ran a red light, lost his mind and ducked into a residential area to sit at the end of a cul-de-sac freaking out thinking the cops were coming.
I tried to explain that if a cop had seen him we’d have already been pulled over but dude was too freaked out. I don’t even remember anything else about the date, just that. It was uneventful and I never really talked to him again because we had nothing in common.
12. The Wrong Joe
Had a good friend in uni who disappeared overseas for a year after we graduated. I stayed there to study and teach, and one day I got a text from a number I didn’t recognize saying “hey, it’s Joe from business school, want to catch up for a coffee?”
Hadn’t seen him in ages so I said yes very enthusiastically. I walked into the coffee shop at the right time, look around for Joe, and there’s Joe from business school. A different Joe from business school.
I couldn’t walk out because he’d already seen me, so we chatted politely for an hour and we’ve never talked since.
11. What Type Of Stage Name Is “Brad”?
I met this guy originally at a cocktail bar. We went to dinner on the first date, and then for the second date we went to a Comedy club. The first problem was he kept nudging me when I laughed, like I was embarrassing him.
Of course, I was irritated by this, but tried to tone it down since I still had two more hours to sit through. Halfway through, he’s just acting real nervous and then the MC gets up on stage and says “Welcome Brad to the stage”… The guy I am on a date with is not named Brad. Brad is his stage name.
He goes up on stage and proceeds to make two incredibly racist jokes. Tables turned. I was embarrassed and nervous for the rest of the show. Joke was on me. We didn’t go out again.
10. What Is That Smell?
Wasn’t my date, but I had gone home with a guy I had been seeing and when we got there his roommate was curled in a ball on the couch looking pretty shaken. We asked him what was wrong and it took him awhile to get it out, but he finally told us what happened:
He took a girl home from the bar and they started drunkenly tearing each other’s clothes off as soon as they got through his bedroom door. She said she was self-conscious though so she wanted the lights off. He switched them off and they started fooling around. She starts going down on him when all of a sudden, the guy notices this horrible smell.
He mentions it but she tells him to just ignore it, he’s probably imagining things. Finally the smell is too much so he switches the lights on. That’s when he sees it.
Crap. Literal poop all over her and all over the bed. He is completely dumbfounded, doesn’t know what to say or do so apparently all he yelled was “POOP!!!!” She grabbed all her clothes and ran out of the apartment crying without saying a word and, presumably, still covered in poop.
He threw his bedding out, took an hour long shower, and refused to go back into his room. Pretty much killed our night too. To this day I still wonder what on earth happened—was she into it and was hoping he would be too? Was it an accident and she decided to just go with it? I don’t know which scenario is more horrifying, to be honest.
9. Wrong Waze
I met a girl from Match. All went well, but as a veteran online dater, I only met her for a drink so that we’re not stuck in some awkward dinner thing if we hated each other; apparently that was set for date #2.
So, on the second date, she asked me to pick her up outside her place, which I did. I ended up selecting the wrong place from Waze, and we went way out of the way. I could sense she was a little annoyed, but I corrected it, and off we went to the other location.
Dinner with plans to go see a band after. We had an hour wait for a table, but luckily that hour was filled by complete utter silence. Dinner was awkward. Not wanting to be rude, I asked her if she still wanted to see the band. Nope. Take me home. Oh thank god. So we pull up outside her apartment building and she looks over and says goodnight.
She grabs the door handle but it doesn’t open. It sticks and you have to lift and pull the door in before it’ll open. Her eyes are WIDE OPEN looking at me, as she tries to open the door frantically. I tell her it sticks, and lean over to open it for her. She SCREAMS. I mean, like I’m going to rape her or something. I get the door open as she counter-rapes my ear with her screams.
She hustles off up the walkway to her apartment and didn’t even close the door to my truck behind her. No third date.
8. You Could Be My Other Guy
I’m a dude. I was about 16 at the time. My female cousin tried to hook me up with her “nice friend” whom I had shown interest in after meeting her at a family gathering. We text and talk on the phone for a couple weeks. Later we agreed to meet at the mall.
We get to the mall and the girl shows up with another guy, who is her boyfriend. Yes, she introduces him as such and all that. Apparently, he was her ride to the mall. My cousin didn’t think this was odd. I was highly annoyed the whole time because the girl is really fine. We walk around the mall, the girl, my cousin, and myself. The boyfriend waits in the car.
The girl tries to get me to buy her stuff in the mall, I lie and say, “Oh, I don’t have it like that right now.” She tries to hold my hand, asks me to get her something at the food court, the latter I give in and do. I tell my cousin I’m ready to leave. And the girl goes, “You’re cute. And sweet. You should totally be my guy.”
I was dumbfounded, “Don’t you already have a bf?” “I could have two! Besides, he’s just my brother. I don’t have to commit to him.” My jaw drops, and I just tell her no thank you, and leave quickly. My cousin asks what’s wrong, STILL no seeing the problem with her friend’s relationship status. I’m still weirded out by that to this day.
7. More Than A Hike
Years ago, I met a girl online and after we’d approved of each other’s photos and list of interests, we talked on the phone and hit it off right away. She lived about an hour away, and she said she wanted to go to a local national park and go hiking and have a picnic.
I get to her house to pick her up and see that she has packed a tent, sleeping bags, a cooler, and basically a full weekend worth of camping equipment. I told her I thought we were just going hiking and she said “I figured we could just camp out overnight. Just get me back home in time for church in the morning.”
So we head out, we set up the tent, go for a hike, swim in the lake, have dinner in the lodge, head back to the campsite, make a fire, and settle in for the night. Later, in the tent, stuff starts happening. After a while she says “Can we wait a bit on that, and just go to sleep.” I oblige and we sleep.
In the early morning hours, she wakes me up by making it very clear the wait is over. After we finish, she starts crying. She apologizes and says she’s not ready to be in a relationship. I tell her I understand but I’m pretty confused by this point. We pack up everything and I drive her home and drop her off at her house.
About 15 minutes later, I get a call on my cell phone. It’s my dad. He asks “What the hell are you doing?” I tell him I have no idea what he’s talking about. He says “The Sheriff’s department just came by here looking for you and asking if I knew your whereabouts. You’re wanted in the disappearance of some girl. Her family said she never came home last night. They went to your place first but nobody was there.”
Apparently, she wasn’t home for church and her family freaked out. I called her and told her to please contact the Sheriff and let them know she was not, in fact, kidnapped. She laughed and then called them.
We never had a second date.
6. What Did You Expect From A Movie Titled“Happy Feet”
This was in high school, some girl from our rival school and I met, hit it off. She really wanted to see Happy Feet, the dancing penguin movie. Decide to take her, I like penguins anyways.
I swear about half way through the movie she leans over to me and says, “Oh I get it, they’re dancing!” I thought she was trying to be cute, but she was goddamn serious.
This movie was her idea, I figured she knew. The damn penguins were dancing for at least an hour before she said this to me. We lasted another week.
5. Wrong Side Of 24
In 2001 internet dating hadn’t really taken off here, so this happened as a result of a personals ad. I was newly single and feeling pretty frisky so took a chance on a “Mr. Wrong, 24, seeks Miss Right” ad. We corresponded and spoke on the phone before meeting an everything sounded ok.
I was misled quite badly. Paul was more like 48 than 24—a paunchy, pasty, bargain basement Freddie Mercury lookalike. Being of Italian heritage he was staunchly anti-racist but thought homophobia was fine.
He got drunk and wanted to take me to the circus. It was a really uncomfortable experience but I managed to escape with just one cheek having been slobbered on after he slurred “You’re really cute.”
4. Thanks, Che
Michael Che (comedian and anchor for SNL’s Weekend Update) ruined one of my first dates! I go to a lot of standup around NYC and I happened to see him trying out material at two different free shows in the same week. He was doing this crowd material bit about porn where he would pick a guy in the front row and corner them and ask them what they searched for when they looked for porn.
The first time I saw him doing it he just would not let up on this poor guy, the guy didn’t want to answer and kept saying “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” but Che kept asking “come on, man, I KNOW you know. What do you mean you don’t know?” The guy never relented and said anything out loud but Che kept pressing him for seriously the entire show, like he kept going back to this one poor guy.
Cut to later in the week, I’m taking an OkCupid date to a standup show, I sit in the front and Michael Che turns out to be the surprise headliner. The second I see him on stage I know it’s gonna be me, I know he’s gonna do the bit again and I’m sitting front and center. My brain is racing trying to think of a good way to get out of this awkward situation, “don’t say BDSM don’t say BDSM” (this was a very casual date and I had not been speaking to this poor girl for very long plus I’m already a weirdo).
Within like 30 seconds he turns to me and asks “what about you, sir, what do you type in the search bar when you look for porn?” and I think “Okay self, just say the most innocuous harmless kink possible.” I stall for a second with a “who me?” and he repeats the question, so I blurt out without thinking “Redheads!” Whew, fine, I’m in the clear. Awkward situation handled.
I forgot that my date was a redhead. Of course he immediately picks up on that “you know the girl sitting next to you is a redhead right?” and I reply “yes, we are… actually… here on a date.” He said “wow, this has never happened to me during this bit before” then cut me some slack and moved on.
In the larger scheme of things this probably wasn’t that bad, and the date wasn’t going spectacularly anyway so it wasn’t like a huge loss, but it definitely made things very awkward for the rest of the evening. It was kind of a relief when she said no to a second date because then I immediately texted her back and was like “That’s fine OH MY GOD CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW CRAZY AWKWARD THAT WAS?” and she was like “I KNOW!!”
3. Glitch In The Dating Matrix
It was my second date with this guy, and he said the exact same things that he said on the first date. Word for word. The same stories, the same “random thoughts,” the same questions… It freaked me out so much that at first I played along and answered in the exact same way, as though we were both following some weird script.
Eventually I tried to break the mold and ask him new things, but he would just bring it back around to the same topics as last time. It was like I was in a computer program and there was a glitch. Still freaks me out to think of it.
2. Getting It All Out On The Table
Met girl on Match. She showed up 20 minutes late. I had to “excuse myself” so I could hide out in the bathroom and write down as much of the crazy things this woman was saying before I forgot.
Topics included, but were not limited to: Daddy issues, her mother loves her brother more, miscarriage, being married before, when “we” start dating, when “we” are married, setting me up with her assistant, how she’ll “screw me with blood on my face,” things she does when she’s high, Brazilian trance music, adopting children, what’s my dog’s name again, how she doesn’t trust animated movies, why she was 20 minutes late, owning a business, when it’s acceptable to use the c-word, being a vegetarian, her blind cat, her dying uncle, abusive relationships, the city of Tampa, free-range urination, and can we order tater tots.
We didn’t go out again.
1. How NOT To Act On A First Date
I met this guy because he was staying with one of my friends. His family had recently kicked him out. He was cute, and I thought that a date would raise his spirits. However, the entire date he talked about his favorite serial killers, which serial killers he thought were attractive, the mistakes the serial killers did that got them caught, and how he would kill someone if he just had enough courage to.
He kept on bragging that he knew the perfect way to kill and get away with it. Half way through the date, I got sick. I was glad to call it off at that point. After the date, he told everyone that would listen terrible things about me that were not even true. My friend kicked him out soon after, and I do not know where he is now.