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People Share The Cringeworthy Moments When Things Totally Backfired

Samantha Henman

What’s that old saying about the best-laid plans? Sometimes you have the noblest intentions for something, only to watch it completely blow up in your face. These Redditors have channeled their regret and frustration and found the strength to share those cringeworthy moments when something totally backfired on them—and some of them are truly unbelievable. 


1. Bug Juice Privileges: Revoked

When I was a kid at summer camp, I once attached some skyrockets to one of those balsa wood gliders. I thought it would be fun, but it was an utter disaster. I tossed it out toward the lake after lighting the rockets and it flew normally for a few seconds until the rockets kicked in. It shot straight up, looped over our heads, and landed right on one of the councilors.

No bug juice for me that night.

adanipse

2. Can’t Slither His Way out of This One

I once saw a snake in the grass on my lawn in front of me, so I stopped my lawnmower to try and save its life. I reached down to grab it, and put it in the bush away from my path. In the process, I accidentally snapped its neck.

poopSMASH

3. Scheming While Impaired

My company has a strict no-alcohol policy. You can’t begin work within 10 hours of having had a drink. So whenever there’s a staff shortage and they need me to come in right away, guess who just cracked open a cold one?

InsanityWolfie

4. The Deadliest Game

This actually happened to my teacher, she entered an ax-throwing competition and while winding up before throwing, it was behind her head. When she threw it she hit the back of her head with the handle. She knocked herself out and the blade of the ax almost sliced her head.

Nasmi82

5. The Times They Are a-Changin’

A squirrel was somehow stuck in my parents’ fireplace while I was in college. My mom was home by herself, and was freaking out. She tried her best to get it out, but it kept climbing up the chimney every time she got close. When I finally made it home on Friday afternoon after classes, I went to try and help out.

I found the squirrel curled up in the ashes of the fireplace. I grabbed it and put it outside. Since it had been raining, there were puddles all around. The shocked squirrel took two steps outside into a puddle, had what looked like a seizure, and died immediately.

bigssa18

6. Come One, Come All

When I worked for the immigration department, some bright spark decided that we weren’t going to remove people who had been caught smuggling drugs from certain countries. They believed it was too risky to deport people who had failed to complete their missions back to angry gang leaders. News traveled quickly and within a few weeks, there was a huge spike in smuggling.

People were smuggling drugs and immediately handing themselves over to authorities to guarantee that they wouldn’t get deported. In addition, dealers found it much easier to convince people to attempt to smuggle drugs because it was a win-win for all parties. The whole idea was scrapped pretty quickly.

DongTheMong

7. The Great Exploding Toilet

I decided to burn some newspaper outside in a toilet I had just replaced because I didn’t want to risk the grass catching on fire. Well, heat caused the toilet to explode, sending burning newspaper everywhere. Then the grass caught on fire.

I0I0I0I

8. Home, Not So Sweet Home

I invited my elderly mom to come live with us. She was widowed and had some emotional health problems. To make a very long story very short, she began to get paranoid living in our house, and started hating us for “trying to control her.” She moved out, wrote me out of her will entirely, and I never got to see her again.

15 months later, she died.

EasternDelight

9. Bang for Your Buck

My work has an infraction system. If you’re a minute late, that’s half a point. If you’re up to four hours late, that’s also half a point. So, if you’re going to be a minute late, you might as well be four hours late, because it’s the same penalty!

Kordwar

10. Bullies Never Learn

Trying to shake hands with my bully, thinking this would diffuse the situation. Got punched in the throat.

latchkey_adult

11. What a Bunch of Garbage!

I went to a summer camp when I was 9 years old. After lunch, I once decided to clean up everyone’s trash for them. As I was throwing all the trash away, a counselor saw me and yelled at me for throwing away his soda can. He then told the other counselors and the adults running the camp that I did it with the intention of just throwing his food away.

I cried so much on the car ride home.

squid_ish

12. Collective Punishment

A salon I worked at one day decided to drug test all the hair stylists. Out of 12 stylists, 11 failed. The manager texted everybody the next day and asked them to come back to work.

t-funny

13. Mathematician or Cheap?

I took a date to a very nice restaurant for dinner to impress her. I noticed the monitor the waitress was using to keep track of our bill behind my date and just before the check came, I told my date how much the bill would be thinking she would be impressed by my math skills. I thought I was so cool, but I was so wrong. After a few more dates, I explained what I had done that night.

She laughed and told me she had thought I was a tightwad because I was watching my money so closely.

FritzMuffknuckle

14. A One-Man Open Sleigh

In college during the winter, we had a heavy snowstorm one year. Everyone was walking to class, and I was heading down the outdoor steps to the basement where my class was. A girl was walking in front of me. She slipped and began to fall. Without thinking, I reached my arms under hers to try and prevent her from falling.

In doing so, I slipped and my legs went forward under hers. She landed on top of me and literally rode me like a sled down the stairs. She then stood up and just walked away. Never helped me up, never said “thank you,” never even asked if I was okay. That hurt. Badly.

stryder66

15. Baa Baa Welsh Sheep

A long time ago, English law in Wales set the death penalty as the punishment for stealing a sheep. Welshmen who were caught stealing sheep would claim to be making love to them. They would then get a lesser penalty for that crime instead of theft. The consequence of this was that the Welshmen gained a reputation as sheep shaggers. At least they didn’t die!

pipipiper

16. Good Friends

I had friends at a lunch table who always made fun of this girl who sat by herself. I invited her to our table one day because I felt bad for her. Yup, you can see where this is going. She immediately and 100% replaced me, and they all realized it was even more awesome to make fun of me. Jokes on them, I got to eat lunch with my civics teacher after that.

Mybluehighlighter

17. Stolen Valor

I was on a charity project in Ghana. There was a kid who I had become very fond of, so I gave her a toy that she had really liked. I then noticed her very bruised back the next day at school, and she wouldn’t tell me why she was so badly beaten. I soon figured it out, though. Her mom brought the toy back that afternoon and apologized for her daughter “stealing” it.

She promised that the little girl would think again before stealing in future. I tried to explain, but the mother didn’t believe me. She thought I was just covering for the little girl, who was about 6.

onetimeonly12345

18. Party Animals

A hotel I used to work for decided they were having an alcohol-free holiday party. This didn’t sit well with the people who’d been working there for years and were accustomed to a full bar at the party. The staff parking lot ended up being full of people drinking in their cars, trying to get a good buzz to carry them through the party.

Most people ended up getting way drunker than they would have, so the party was a mess.

MikeOxbigg

19. Thank You, But…

Got some new clothes, like button-up shirts and nice khakis. Post-“makeover,” I had a lot of guys hit on me. I’m a straight man though, so that’s not really the result I was hoping for.

GOOOOOOONGS

20. Toy Story

I worked at an arcade prize counter. One time, a summer camp full of kids came rolling in. They had tickets for unlimited games, but they couldn’t get any points for the prize counter—which the counselors had failed to tell the kids, so we had to keep explaining it. Some of the poor kids were super excited because they had won a jackpot!

It was equally annoying and heartbreaking. Well, one kid showed up and was devastated. He had been working all day to get enough points for this little clip-on fox plush. He was inconsolable. Finally, I decided to use my own points to get it for him, because I really sympathized with him. I felt like that was a toy that I would have wanted as a little kid, and I would probably have been equally devastated if I couldn’t have it.

I was also truly annoyed with the counselors at that point. I gave him the toy and told him not to tell anyone about it. But then, things got even worse. He came back later in tears because the counselor had confiscated the toy. To have the toy in your hands and then have it taken away probably felt even worse than not getting the toy at all. I felt awful.

WhippetingWhippet

21. Backfire by Proxy

My institute banned the use of adult sites on its Wi-Fi. Most people weren’t tech-savvy or bold enough to ask how to bypass it. Then the institute banned Facebook. Everyone learned how to use a proxy to get around it in a matter of days. Let’s just say that many adult websites began appearing on their Wi-Fi at that point…

logicalsilly

22. It’s the Thought That Counts

I offered my seat to an elderly lady on the bus. Turned out she wasn’t that old and felt offended, so she screamed at me.

dajz

23. Money Problems

I have given several homeless people money, only to then have them follow me while berating me for not having given them enough. Each time was really scary and frustrating, so I just quit giving people on the street money altogether. Now, I feel bad about saying no, but I just blend in with everyone else who says no.

Merry_Pippins

24. Pick Your Poison

My high school put in a policy that after the third time you were late, you got detention. They didn’t change the absence policy. Tardiness decreased by 52%. Absences increased by 83%.

Griff2470

25. The Cool Guy Squint

My physics teacher told the guys of the class that one of the best ways to look cool in front of a girl is to do the thousand-yard gaze or looking into the distance. He continued to tell us that girls would think “that guy is so deep, so cool, what is he thinking?” Well, I tried that in front of a girl I had a crush on. Her reply shattered my confidence in pieces. All she said was, “Why are you squinting so hard?”

PhanOfAndrew

26. This One’s Getting Old Real Fast

At the restaurant where I work, I once innocently said, “Madam, you will have to wait” to a customer who was in line. The lady who was with her then yelled at me for about 30 minutes straight, because “She’s NOT old.” Really? I was just trying to be polite and respectful. Not sure why it implied that I was calling her old.

Oh well, you can’t please everyone I guess!

astrangeone88

27. Late Is the New Punctual

A famous example from Freakonomics was when a daycare started charging a small fine for parents who picked up their children late. Instead of resulting in more on-time arrivals, the new policy actually caused more late pick-ups. This is because the parents were originally worried that a late pick-up would be a significant burden on the daycare employees, but because the fine was so small (only a few dollars), they decided that it must not be a big inconvenience for the daycare.

idoitforthelolz3

28. Dirt Bag Disaster

In my first apartment, I had a bag vacuum (as opposed to a canister vacuum), and the bag was full. I had no replacement bags, so I used painter’s tape to attach a Walmart bag. I thought I was a frugal genius and patted myself on the back as I switched it on. It didn’t work at all. Almost immediately the bag blew right off, and a bunch of dirt blew all over the place, including all the dirt that was stuck in the vacuum, since the previous bag had been so full.

BagelDesk

29. Cold-Hearted World

I was shoveling snow from my walkway one winter’s morning. When I finished, I decided to do my next-door neighbor’s too, as he was old. I finished it, and then I decided I might as well do the next one, too—just to be nice. As I was finishing that one, my right foot slipped forward and I tried desperately to keep myself from falling.

I slid for about 8 feet, trying to avoid going down. I blew out something in my knee, and it hurt constantly for the next 7 months. Not exactly a disaster, but it definitely sucked.

CDMJarrettvsMehldau

30. Who Done It?

I worked at a contract agency that works with Child Protective Services. CPS policy is to never tell the parent who called CPS on them, but my agency’s policy was to always inform the primary caretaker if one of our social workers called it in. Obviously, this irrevocably destroyed our rapport with our clients. Imagine telling a parent you called CPS on them only to knock on their door the next week to “listen to their concerns.”

The agency made a joke out of itself, and all potential for case progression was out the door. Stupid rule if you ask me…

mureup

31. A Warm, Wet Lesson

When I was a kid I took swimming lessons. One day after lessons were done and we went to the locker rooms to change there were some clothes sitting on top of one of the sinks. Me, wanting to show off, decided to push the clothes into the sink and turned on the faucet and soaked the clothes completely. We all had a great laugh.

So I got to my locker to get my clothes and made a horrifying realization. My clothes weren’t in my locker. And then realized that the balled-up pile I clothes I failed to recognize that was now soaking in the sink were actually my clothes. I sat in my wet swimsuit until the locker room was empty and until my dad finally came in and I lied and said someone soaked my clothes.

He went up to the counter and grumped at the workers until they gave him some clothing from the lost and found bin. They included ugly sweats that were so big they went above my head, and I embarrassingly walked through the center and parking lot humiliated by my own actions. I’ve never told my parents who really soaked the clothes.

But it was an excellent lesson for me to learn not to be a jerk and to know exactly what it feels like to be bullied, as I 100% took the brunt of my childhood jerkiness.

trophyhunter1985

32. It’s All About the Attitude

I was once on a flight and drank a cup of coffee. When done, I couldn’t find a place to put the cup. I don’t remember why, but for some reason, the tray table was not an option. I eventually conceded and just held onto the cup. After a little while, an older gentleman who was seated next to me tapped my arm and happily took my cup.

A few minutes later, the remnants of my coffee spilled on his white dress shirt. I have felt bad about it ever since. But, I learned a valuable life lesson. If you choose to help people, then sometimes things will go wrong for you. That is simply a price that we pay for being nice, and you should not let it dissuade you from still helping, nor should it cause you to get angry when it happens.

Red__M_M

33. Wicked Witchcraft

I went to a Catholic school. This school started out not having any problem with Harry Potter. The library even had every available book at the time. Then, some paranoid parent cried Satanism and witchcraft, so the school banned Harry Potter. Suddenly, Harry Potter books are an underground commodity. The school had a black market trade for new and used Harry Potter books.

Things only got worse when expulsion was threatened for being caught with one: a new Harry Potter book was worth its weight in gold. Finally, the school had to go all the way to the bishop to ask about the Harry Potter books and he said “Nah, the books don’t really teach Satanism. What’s all this about a black market book trade?”

So the school lifted the ban and told the parents to cool it.

ElectronicBionic

34. Kickfall

This one time in sixth grade we were playing kickball in gym class. I went to a private school, so I was wearing a white polo and grey slacks. Well, I had just started playing football so I was bragging that I could kick the ball really far. Mind you I was the short little pudgy kid everyone picked on. Well, I was up to kick, I pointed way into the outfield, ran at the ball and tried to kick it realllllly hard.

Well, not only did I completely miss the ball, I farted really loud as my leg fully extended and ripped my pants and underwear down my butt, then I fell right back into a puddle of mud. Everyone started falling over laughing, even the gym teacher who pitched the ball to me.

hitbyaparkedcar67

35. Working Under a Hot Stove

I once tried to catch and relocate a mouse. I didn’t want to hurt it, just to get it out of my house. Long story short, I accidentally dropped the stove on it. It was pretty darn gruesome.

KeithMyArthe

36. Checked Out

I worked at Macy’s one Christmas and found out the reason why you can never find anyone at the registers is that they don’t allow employees to stand at the register—they consider it “intimidating.” I can’t tell you how many times I gave up on trying to purchase something there because I couldn’t find anyone to ring me up.

sweetjaaane

37. A Little Haircut

One time I curled my eyelashes and sneezed. I learned how to use fake eyelashes that day.

BrigetteBardot

38. Shutting the Door

I used to work security, and part of that job was telling people that they can’t go wherever it is that they are trying to go. One time, there was a dog show, and the showrunners were adamant that not a single motor vehicle may pass through my gate. Period. It is for foot traffic only, with absolutely no exceptions. None at all.

Well, as I’m turning people away, this old lady rides up on a little scooter. There is no handicap tag on it, and she looks physically healthy, but I just assumed that she was handicapped anyway and let her pass without issue. She then proceeds to spend the entire rest of the day coming and going back and forth, completely taking advantage of the fact that I had let her in.

The next day, she’s up early coming and going like the day before. Later that morning, she comes riding up with her arm twisted behind her, dragging this huge box on wheels that is packed with a bunch of equipment. The wheels on this thing are kind of like the wheels on a grocery cart—you know, the spinning kind that aren’t worth an ounce of attention.

This box is clearly tugging her arm all over the place, and it’s much bigger than she is. So, as she drives by, I ask her if she’d like some help. She doesn’t even stop, but, as she rides by, she says “No, I need you to just get the heck out of my way. Thanks!” and just keeps going. So, I’m just kind of standing there completely stunned at her response, because I did not expect that at all.

But alright. No motor vehicles, period, remember? So, when she comes rolling back up again later that day, I close the gate on her and I give her the same little speech about the rules that I had been giving everyone else the whole time. She went totally freaking nuts, and it turned out that she was definitely not handicapped because she jumped out of that scooter and tried to force the gate open with her bare arms.

She ran to the showrunners and they came to talk to me. I told them what happened and, unlike my spineless boss at the time, they actually had my back. Nevertheless, this woman spent the rest of the week constantly glaring at me. She even tried cursing at me, but I reminded her that if she kept that up, she wouldn’t be allowed to compete in the show.

So, it all worked out in the end, but I still did not enjoy the feeling in the moment when I was just trying to do my job and be a decent human, only to be treated like garbage in return.

EbenHSHD

39. On the Rocks

During the morning announcements one day when I was in kindergarten, they came on and said “Students are not allowed to throw snowballs. There is a chance you might accidentally get some rocks in them.” You could see the instant realization on the faces of all 20-some students that “OMG, we could put rocks in them!”

mekdot83

40. Too Good, Bye

Hired for a position I was overqualified for. Over performed. Asked for a promotion. Fired.

Itrytozerp

41. Taken for a Ride

I flagged someone down on the highway who was driving with a flat tire. We both pulled over, and they explained that they didn’t have a spare. I offered to drive them to the closest convenience store and back for a can of fix-a-flat. Not only did they ride in my car silently, offering no thanks at any point, but they also stole my wallet out of my console when I wasn’t looking.

whistledip

42. Skirting Around That Policy

Last summer in Sweden, bus drivers in some counties started wearing shorts due to the heatwave. After being denied the right to continue doing so by management, they started wearing skirts instead. Dress code policies banned shorts, but not skirts.

SowerPlave

43. It’s Just a Prank, Sir!

For April Fools, I was planning to do an innocent prank by putting an air horn under my teacher’s chair so when he sat down it would trigger it and startle him, but he got too startled and jumped out of his seat, landed on his back and got knocked unconscious.

reddituser9871

44. Hitting a Wall-et

A woman dropped her wallet in front of me while walking down Broad Street in Philly. I ran fast and caught up with her just in time to return it before she got away. She then accused me of not only taking her wallet, but taking the money that was supposedly in it. It was a good day.

Permalink

45. Size Does Matter

My workplace used to have a two-beer limit for lunch. They never specified the size of the beers…

BlueFalconPunch

46. A Lot of Trust

A girl I knew dated a guy I was also friends with. Really sweet, doting guy, not the best looking, but a really lovely lad. I went on a night out with his girlfriend, my partner at the time, and his friend Jay. We drank and danced etc. and at the end of the night, my friend and Jay were kissing. We spoke the next day and she swore it was a one-off but ended up meeting him twice after that.

I told her if she didn’t tell her partner, I would, as he was my friend too and didn’t deserve it. In the end, I told him and he thanked me. Then she spoke to him, cried a river and managed to talk him round into forgiving her and falling out with me. It’s been a few years since that all happened, and neither one has spoken to me since.

They’re still together, but I don’t know how he can trust her.

Y35JEM

47. Getting Hitched

On a rainy day, I once gave a ride to a hitchhiker near campus who looked like a typical university student. I normally don’t pick up hitchhikers, but it was hard to ignore him standing there in the pouring rain. I drove beyond where I was headed to get him to his stated destination—a place that was pretty darn far off the beaten path.

But then he would not get out of the car. He just kept staring at me and telling me that he was “lonely and needed someone to be with.” I finally told him that we were heading to the police station if he didn’t get out, and that did the trick. If that hadn’t worked, we probably would have come to blows, because I could see that he was building up to something.

Back2Bach

48. Garbage Disposal

One of the high rise blocks I have to maintain has a sign saying “Anything left here will be removed due to it being a fire risk.” People just dump their garbage there, like old fridges and sofas. By law, we have to take it.

Saint_Phoenix

49. Wrong Look

I had a receding hairline, so I shaved my head. I am a tall, muscular white man with tattoos who wears boots for work. How could this backfire? Well, people immediately assumed I loved Hitler.

papserk

50. By Design

A couple of years ago, as a favor to a friend, I redesigned his small business’s website for free. Granted, I’m not an awesome designer, but it was a massive improvement. I took them from practically GeoCities to a decent WordPress site. Nobody once said thank you. Then, a couple of weeks ago, they found a new web guy to redo their site.

My friend invited me to a meeting to look at the mockups and tell them what I thought. For half of the meeting, staff members just trashed the old design and complained about how “awful and tacky” it was. Apparently, my “friend” never told anyone that I was the guy who had made it.

captainmagictrousers

51. You Are What You Eat

When my little cousin was 3 years old, he absolutely LOVED Mickey Mouse. One day, we were having him and the rest of the family over for breakfast. I decided to make him some special pancakes that were shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head. I even used blueberries and whipped cream to make it sort of resemble the character’s face.

I was so excited to see the smile on his face when I served him those pancakes, but instead he just yelled out, “I HATE MICKEY!” Apparently, he and Mickey had recently had a falling out of some kind that I had been unaware of, so I then had to go and make him regular pancakes because he absolutely refused to eat the Mickey ones.

Honestly, I thought it was really strange. When I was a kid, I probably would have been way more eager to eat Mickey if I hated him than if I liked him.

-eDgAR-

52. The Shirt Off Your Back

The previous school I worked at decided that all shirts needed to have the school name or emblem (which was a fancy letter ‘E’) on them to be dress code appropriate. That’s all the handbook said. No clarification on how the name or emblem was designed or the color or if it had to be permanently affixed to the clothing.

The students hated the policy and, being in high school, they looked for any loophole possible. They found one due to the lack of clarity of the handbook policy. The kids would make paper emblems and pin them to their shirts. Thus, they could wear whatever they wanted and were still dress code compliant. I thought it was pretty genius. The administration did not.

jamer0658

53. Brit in Disguise

I am a pizza delivery driver and I get bored a lot. Sometimes when I’m doing deliveries I like to play this game with myself where I talk in a British accent. So I go up to this house and this super hot girl answers the door. I start talking in my best British accent and she freaks out and talks. Turns out she’s British, too, and she asks me where in England I’m from.

The only place I knew in England was London, but I got caught off guard by her question and panicked, so I said Camelot. She looked at me very weird and told me I wasn’t British. When I told her about my “game” she looked disgusted. The entire time, she had my tip in her hand; but when she gave it to me, she pulled out a couple of bucks.

Jesters

54. Does Not Compute

I built a computer for a coworker. She was talking about how she was going to buy one for like $1,000, and I said I could just build it for half the price. Well, besides things going to heck during the building process and not getting any money from her to cover the expenses, I ended up having to give her free tech support for years.

Any time that anything went wrong, it was presumably because I built it incorrectly, and it would have been better for her to have just bought one. Lesson learned.

Darklyte

55. Better Late Than Never

My high school had a rule that if you arrived late (after the first bell), you couldn’t park in the parking lot. You’d have to park at the gas station down the highway and walk to school, making you even later. It stopped after 20 or so people intentionally showed up late to school and made a mass exodus along the highway.  Well, that and a lot of parents complaining.

Permalink

56. Introvert’s Worst Nightmare

I started to smile more around people to look more friendly. I have a naturally angry-looking face so I’ve been told I don’t look approachable. It has backfired; I have had to talk to a lot more people.

raegan24

57. When Tragedy Strikes

My high school’s soccer coach was a good guy. He cared about his players and always did his best at coaching them. One night after a game, he and his players and a few of their parents went out to dinner to celebrate the win. As one of the moms went to leave, the coach offered to walk her to her car, and she accepted gratefully.

In the parking lot, the woman’s ex-husband had secretly been stalking her. When he saw the coach with her, he became furious. Before the coach even had a chance to explain, the ex gave him one good punch in the head. The coach died. It was truly awful.

kevlarhouston

58. Dress for Success

If you violated the dress code policy, you had to wear these really big gray sweatpants or sweatshirts that said DCV in big orange letters. It became a thing to get caught because they were apparently really comfortable. When the admin finally caught on that people were trying to get them on purpose, they changed it so that you got an in-school suspension.

Jokes on them for that too—lots of kids preferred that over being in class.

bonjourkristi

59. Super Supportive Boyfriend

I was never into makeup growing up and recently decided to take a crack at it. I ended up shoving all of the makeup I got to the back of my bathroom cabinet because oh my god the results were not good. I asked my significant other, “On a scale of ‘swamp hag’ to ‘passable,’ how did this go?” He hesitated, and then said, “Recent corpse.”

dal_segno

60. His Spidey-Senses Just Weren’t Tingling That Day

I once saw a spider in my house. I went to get a cup and an index card to set him free outside, as I always do. Unfortunately, the little fool didn’t want to go into the cup and put up quite the fight. I ended up crushing him by accident in the process of trying to maneuver him inside. I tried, dude!

TRIGMILLION

61. Chain of Command

“Don’t do anything unless directed by your boss. Any deviation from this will result in write-up/termination.” This was a very literal directive from upper management that took place after an office incident. Our work is very fluid, and our team alone contained 20 people. Needless to say, productivity hit unprecedented lows.

squeeeeenis

62. Just… Wow

I was playing kickball. I was pretty drunk and a little boisterous that day. I was up to kick and one of the people on the sidelines was jokingly talking trash. I started backing up slowly to pull my pants down and moon him. Apparently he saw it coming, and as soon as I pulled my pants down he spits right on my butt crack.

One of the grossest feelings ever.

Anthroduck

63. I Get a Kick out of You

I kicked a ball for my dog to chase. She lunged for the ball at the exact same time that I was kicking. I kicked her in the face.

NatsumeZoku

64. A Matter of Life and Death

When I went to college, the hospitals had a policy where if someone came in with alcohol poisoning and they were underage, then they’d also call the cops. So, of course, what happened was that when underage kids really should have gone to the hospital, their friends wouldn’t call an ambulance because of their fear that the cops would punish them.

Luckily, while I was there, there weren’t many deaths due to alcohol poisoning—but there were still a few.

illini02

65. The Squid Defense

Sitting on an airplane doing a crossword puzzle. My pen stopped writing, so I snapped it up and down a couple of times. Ahhhh, the pen works again. The guy beside me starts freaking out and yelling for the stewardess. I look over at him and see a thin line of black ink running from the left shoulder of his crisp, starched white shirt to the right hip of his pants.

I pretended like I had been asleep, and he blamed some random kid across the aisle. The airline gave him a voucher or something to pay for the dry cleaning.

Shadrack_Meshax

66. Life Is a Carnival

I was watching some people playing a carnival game one time. The game involved everyone sitting down and throwing ping pong balls into holes to make their avatars race. All of a sudden, I looked down and saw a $50 note falling to the ground. It must have fallen out of one of the player’s pockets. So I picked it up, nudged a young teen, and asked him if he had dropped it.

He took it, had a quick word with his friends, and then hurried away. I then looked up to see the lady in the seat next to where he had been, with a concerned look on her face. Her family members started looking towards the ground. I put two and two together and realized that I had given the money to the wrong person.

NatsumeZoku

67. Slow and Steady Wins the Race

I’m a programmer. On a previous job, the developers and teams were measured by the number of feature requests they completed. We figured out to subdivide everything to blow it up into the maximum number of feature requests possible. A manager might request a new report. We’d set up separate feature tickets for “create button”, “make button blue”, “make button respond when clicked”, “implement business logic”, “display results in grid”, “allow sorting of grid”, and so on.

We’d subdivide a 1-day task into 20 one-hour tasks. Management loved it! Our team looked twenty times as productive, despite deliberately slowing ourselves down with red tape.

Permalink

68. Ladies Man

13 years old and chubby, trying to impress my crush with my muscles. Attempted to single-handedly haul in a canoe from the river. The canoe snagged on a root and I ended up falling off the backside of the dam (about ten feet). Also, tried to impress different crush later that year with my skiing chops on a church retreat.

Went straight down a black instead of winding like you’re supposed to, ended up in the trees with a broken thumb and some fractured ribs. I’m not very good with the ladies.

flusteredmonty

69. Did You Enjoy Your Stay?

I once helped some hotel staff move some tables into a room. In the process, I accidentally sprained my wrist. No worries guys, it happens. I’m still glad that I was able to be a helpful person.

Red__M_M

70. Holy Smokes!

My office had a policy that only smokers would get breaks throughout the day. It sure didn’t help anyone trying to quit cigarettes, nor did it do any favors for productivity in our workplace.

MonkeyCube

71. Fire Hazard

Ok, I got this one. When I was a leader in training (LIT) at my beloved summer camp, itching to prove myself but still a dumb impulsive kid, I also liked fire. We were on a day trip and the site had a 30-degree rock face that was hidden from the site itself. So I went to the top with a “friend” and a can of naphtha (highly flammable).

These rocks are pitted, so I decided it would be an awesome idea to fill one and light it on fire. Worst. Idea. Ever. I was facing uphill and didn’t notice that when I filled the little pit, it overflowed and ran down between my legs. So I light it, it immediately flares up down the hill, through my legs. I jumped out of the way but ended up knocking the can into the blaze.

It bounced down the rock face, spraying burning naphtha everywhere. It landed on the lake at the bottom and leaked burning fuel all over the small inlet. I turn around and my friend had run, so I ended up putting out 50 percent just stamping in my sandals, they brought in and emptied 2 fire extinguishers on it all because the main camp was close by.

Somehow didn’t get sent home, and had an awesome counselor career…

altron138

72. Food for Thought

A homeless guy by my house was asking for money for food outside of a restaurant, so I offered to buy him dinner. Then, it turned out that I had forgotten my wallet at home, so I told him I’d still pay if he waited like 10 minutes for me to go home and grab it. He said sure, so we ordered and I ran home to grab the cash as quickly as I could.

I got back in under 7 minutes—and the guy was gone. I then still had to pay for two meals, because they had already made the food.

condor6425

73. Boys Will Be Boys

When I was in elementary school, Magic The Gathering and the Pokémon card game were pretty popular. Almost all of the guys would get together after lunch to play before classes started again. Pretty soon, the school decided to ban all card games. Well, you now suddenly have several dozen pre-pubescent boys with about 30 minutes of free time daily and nothing to do.

So we did boy stuff. Ran around, pushed each other, went places we weren’t supposed to, just overall got into mischief. All this time, the cards had been a free babysitter that was keeping us all engaged, quiet, and civil—all while reinforcing quick math skills and teaching multi-level problem-solving. The next year we got a new administrator and card games were allowed at school again.

JohnyUtah_

74. A Real Maverick

I was tree planting, and we had a contract that required being transported on a helicopter. I had never been on a helicopter before. Helicopters are ridiculously expensive (ours was $1,600/hour), so it is all about efficiency: you want to get on and off as fast as possible. For my first ride, I got assigned to shotgun.

Riding in this seat, you have the responsibility to coordinate the loading/unloading of the helicopter. So the helicopter pulls up, and I run to it squatted as low as I can possibly get, and am throwing all the military hand signals around to get us loaded up. It goes well, we take our ride, land. I get out and start throwing all of the military hand signals around to get our crew out as fast as possible.

Then I start running away from the helicopter squatted as low as I can possibly get. In reality, I didn’t need to use hand signals. But it looked cool. And in reality, I only had to duck my head—but squatting real low was what they did in all the cool movies. So I’m running really low, using my left hand to throw signals telling my crew to hurry up.

I look really cool. In my right hand is a gallon jug of water. The handle on the water jug breaks off, and the bottle falls out of my hand. Largely because I am squatted low and waving my left hand madly, this sudden change in weight I am carrying causes me to lose my balance and face plant. Unfortunately, we were going down a hill.

I rolled about 50 feet and landed in a thorn bush.

aardvarkious

75. Write This Down

I noticed that this kid in my class didn’t have a pencil for the test, so I gave him one. I didn’t get it back afterwards.

lilburrito

76. All You Can Eat

“You have to eat whatever you touch” was a rule in my kindergarten class. It led to all the children touching all the food they could find to call dibs on it.

snacktimestwo

77. Hanger Pain

Many years ago tried that lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup liquid diet with a co-worker. It was a half bet, half diet thing. The first few days were ok. Day four I was drinking so much extra water to keep my stomach full I thought about just setting up a standing desk in front of a urinal. Day five, I was hangry but didn’t know it, though my team sure as hell did.

The bet was for a month, at about the two-week point my team bought me lunch and paid me out the bet.

tdasnowman

78. Cooking With Gas

A guy walks up to me while I’m pumping gas and says that he’s stranded and needs money for the bus. I give him $2. He then walks inside the gas station and buys some Mentos candies. We make eye contact when he leaves. His smirk is forever ingrained in my memory.

SirLurkselot

79. Trashing the Rules

My middle school wanted to create a “trash-free environment,” so they removed all the trash cans from the parking lots, halls, and cafeteria. They just told the kids to “toss your trash when you get home or back to a classroom.” The amount of litter skyrocketed overnight, and after a week or so they brought back the cans.

nagol93

80. Wardrobe Malfunction

When I was in high school, there was this guy who I thought was ridiculously cool and I, therefore, tried to catch his attention. I am not now nor have I ever been the type of chick to wear a skirt, but I thought I would give it a whirl so this guy could see me a little more of my skin. One morning I set my trap with this totally cool skirt, and I was feeling all awesome and sexy.

When I walked by him, though, I heard him and his friends burst out into hysterical laughter. I kept walking until I rounded the corner, whereupon I discovered the reason for their laughs. Not being a skirt wearer, I did not understand the physics of butt and backpack interactions—so my loose, short skirt shimmied up along my butt with each “heck yeah” bouncy step I took.

My dorky freshman butt and granny panties were hanging out for all to see. Freaking skirts.

permalink

81. Sorry I Asked

I was standing outside a bar and heard a woman crying in the parking lot. I walked over towards her and asked if she was okay. Some idiot who was about 40 years older than me came over and told me to leave her alone. I said I was just asking her if she was okay. He then punched me in the head. I basically just asked him what the heck his problem was and walked away.

the_mooses

82. You’ve Got Mail

I worked somewhere with a clean desk policy on Friday afternoons. The common way around this was that everyone would just sweep all their paperwork into an envelope and then stick it into the internal mail. It would then arrive back on your desk on Monday morning.

mediocrity511

83. Avoiding Good Luck

This was when I was maybe 14/15 at school. Back then the school was well known for how at breaks the outside areas would be swarming with seagulls because everyone would throw their rubbish on the floor. There had been many times where people were pooped on by the birds, which made everyone scared when they flew above.

So anyway, it was our lunch break and it was coming towards the end so everyone was finishing their food, it was a hot day so most people ate outside. Like always the seagulls were swarming the place so a lot of people were very cautious because no one wanted to be shat on. Me and a load of friends were all kind of just huddled together in a circle, having a bit of banter as the young teenagers do.

I kept looking up because of all the seagulls right and I see that one has taken a crap right above me, it was quite high up so I had time to react. I decided to get everyone’s attention, and then took a step back and stood there looking all smug. The plan was to have the crap land in front of me directly where I was standing.

It backfired when the bird crap went all over my head, bag, and uniform while everyone was watching me.

reeeennn

84. A Froggy Evening

This one time, my dad and I were camping out in the woods. The fire was going and we were sitting around it heating up food, when my dad suddenly noticed a frog that was directly approaching our bright source of heat. Dad wanted to prevent it from accidentally getting burned, so he stood up and started to shoo it away.

Unfortunately, the frog was startled by this and, in its panic, it jumped straight into the fire. A little while later, we heard a loud and unforgettable “pop” sound coming out of the fire. RIP little fella.

SteveTheTuba

85. Say Ahh!

My office made a policy demanding that everyone come in when sick so that the boss can personally inspect and determine whether you are actually sick, since doctor’s notes can be faked. I came in and vomited on his desk all over very important papers during his “inspection”. No regrets.

EmotionalGazelle

86. Generosity Backfires

Gave a one-eyed homeless guy $5. He wandered off, apparently telling other homeless guys his good fortune. Homeless guys began melting out of the scenery asking for their $5. I realized my mistake at that point and stopped being generous. They apparently turned their anger on their friend. They stabbed him for his $5. I only found out when questioned by police.

Meth_Useler

87. Too Close for Comfort

My wife had a coworker who was young and had many addiction issues. I forked over a few grand to help him get into an excellent rehab program instead of paying off the debt on my wedding, putting a lot of financial stress on my own family. Before the rehab place had an opening for him, I walked in on him in bed with my wife.

They moved in together shortly after, and have two kids together now.

strong_cyclist_type

88. Hole in One Window

My school banned all balls larger than a couple of inches in diameter because someone kicked a football through a window during lunch. Most of us used to walk home past the woods beside a golf course and had a ready supply of golf balls as a result. Golf balls were allowed under the new rules due to their size. Three broken windows in one lunch period later, they weren’t.

Feared_Penguin

89. Proudly Naïve

Fourth grade, been reading some pretty advanced sixth-grade books. I thought I was the coolest. In front of many people had a debate with my teacher where I was teaching a classmate about something—she commented at the end of the conversation about how “You’re pretty good at this huh?” Out of all the new words I learned, I chose the one that I understood the least but thought the pronunciation was the coolest.

I said, “No, I’m naïve.” The classmate that I was lecturing, of all people, knew that word of all words and immediately said, “I don’t think you know what that means” The teacher started laughing. I learned about all sorts of humility that day.

Keep_A_Throwaway

90. Time to Roll up in a Cocoon for a While…

I was on a bus and saw this girl on her way to school with a caterpillar creeping onto her shoulder. I don’t think she was aware of it. I removed it without her permission. She started to cry, presumably thinking I was trying to grab her inappropriately. Awkward…

fourleggedhippo

91. The Worst Regret

I was in an extremely weird and once-in-a-lifetime kind of car accident where I was supposed to be not at fault. I really don’t want to go into detail, but another car hit me going twice the speed limit, sending us both rolling down into a ditch. I got out through the windshield since it was shattered and was able to cut the airbag.

The other car was in much worse shape and was on fire. I ran up to see if the driver was okay, and my blood ran cold. She was falling in and out of consciousness. Her car was upside down and the roof was caved in pressing her into the seat. The seatbelt was tight around her and her airbag wasn’t deflating. I struggled with the door and was able to get her out as the fire spread onto her.

I remember passing out a little after I was able to put out the fire on her legs. I woke up in the ambulance with a broken leg and a concussion. The EMTs said I was only able to save her because of all the adrenaline coursing through my system. The police that wrote the report found her at fault and said I was a hero, but no good deed goes unpunished.

She had first degree burns on her legs and face and had super cheap insurance. She ended up suing me and dragging me into a four-year legal process that not only cost my insurance thousands but had me spending money on legal fees and lost wages from constantly having to go to court. It was finally settled because somehow all she needed was to prove I was at least 1% at fault and my insurance folded.

She was awarded my full liability ($200,000.00) plus $25,000 that I’m on the hook for personally. I was barely able to get my totaled car paid off and whatever was left in my pocket for a new car had to go directly to her. It’s been six years since the accident and I still owe about $12,000 but I’m trying to avoid paying that.

The last time I talked to my attorney after she was awarded damages he said something that I’ll always think back on and wish I could have changed my actions. He said if he was in my shoes and knew the outcome he would have left her in there to burn.

throwawaysavior

92. Ballsy Backfire

I was quite bored one day, so I took a large stick and began acting like it was a lightsaber—this was when I was like 12 years old. Basically, as I was playing around with it, my brother grabbed a stick and joined in. We were fighting with them for a bit when I decided to hit him in the balls because he kicked a ball into my face earlier in the week.

So I thrust the stick at his balls. There was a brick wall directly behind him, and I missed. The stick hit the wall and it jutted back and hit me in the balls.

Sonicxwwe

93. Falling for You

A man dropped a quarter at Lowe’s, so I went after it for him. The floor was really slick, and I fell right onto my pregnant belly. We were all okay, thankfully, but I was so embarrassed that I ran out to my car and cried. In hindsight, I’m just grateful that it didn’t result in anything worse, as it easily could have.

MerlinniumMeowcon

94. Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk

I was trying to help my friend because they had spilled their milk, so I was wiping it up. I lifted up the milk container to clean under it, and accidentally dumped the rest of it onto their pants. I felt so bad!

Lovealltigers

95. Material Girl No-More

I was 18 years old, fresh out of high school, and driving my brand-new graduation gift Mustang around town. I was cute and in great shape and perky…and I knew it. Dad sent me to the local hardware store, back when it was an ACE Hardware in a strip center, next to the grocery store, not the Home Depot-style warehouses of today.

I was supposed to get something for him and I was more than happy to oblige. I knew what I was doing. I pulled right up to the front of the store in my shiny red car, got out and could feel all the teenage boys who worked in the store watch me walk in. I sauntered to the counter and said, “I need a such-and-such. Can you help me find it?”

I was helped out by two or three boys who helped me find what I needed. I was followed by them all back to the counter at the front of the store to pay for it, where I smiled sweetly and said to them, “Thanks so much for your help!” I may or may not have batted my eyes a little. Then I turned around to leave the store…and walked smack into a plate-glass window.

Everyone in the store let out an audible, “OOOOOOOH!” and those sweet, helpful boys just laughed and laughed. I knew then and there that I would never be that kind of girl again. God was watching me, all full of myself, and said, “You need a little humility. Here. Let me show you.” Lesson learned.

IrshTxn

96. Just Saved Your Life, No Big Deal

When I was in high school, I had a friend who was…troubled. We met when she moved into town to live with her mother, after being raised by her grandparents. Her mother turned out to be a substance user who treated her children like crap, including my friend, who eventually moved back in with her grandparents a couple of hours away.

We kept in touch, and I woke up at 3 am one day (the morning of my friend’s birthday) to my mom handing me the phone, saying it was my friend. Friend had been getting progressively stranger, and that morning was suicidal. She was determined to die by suicide at the same time she had been born. “It felt right that way,” or some nonsense.

I spent the next four hours on the phone with her trying to calm her down and convince her to seek help. She finally gave her consent for me to speak to the counselor she saw at my school, which I did as soon as I arrived. At 6:00 that night I got a call from her at the hospital, saying they were admitting her to the psych ward.

The next morning, I get called out of class to take a call from her grandparents, who are crying and falling over themselves thanking me for saving their beautiful girl. While she was committed (for about three months) there was a contact list for people who could call, visit, and write to her. I don’t know the specifics of who determined it, or why, but I assume it’s because she was underage and her grandparents wanted to protect her from her mother.

I was the only person—aside from the grandparents—who was on that list. I called her regularly, wrote to her, and even made the three-hour drive to go visit her once. I had explained to the few other friends she had in my area that she was in the ward and no one was allowed to contact her, but I would be happy to pass along what I could, so she felt their support. It was the worst mistake of my life.

Naturally, when she was released she turned on me, blaming me for “three months of hell,” which she gave no indication of during any of the contact/visits we had during that time. She told everyone she was admitted against her will, the “contact list” was bull-crap, and I was trying to…keep the crazy all for myself, I guess.

Whatever. No one believed me. Over the course of the next couple of months, during which I was going through some serious medical stuff, I lost the few friends I had been able to make being a shy introvert, some I had been close to for four or five years at the time. After a couple of months, I connected with some new friends who treated me better than the old ones ever did anyway, and was (eventually) happier for it.

A year or two ago, she sent me a friend request on Facebook. It had been six or seven years, so I figured, “What the hell, I’m over it, and she seems to have grown up, too.” Nope. The first thing I see on her wall is a conversation with one of the former friends talking smack about me.

calibur_

97. Generational Gap

As I was exiting the post office one day, I saw an elderly man with a walker heading towards the door. Thinking I was being nice, I held the door open for him. He then proceeded to chew me out about how he doesn’t need any help. I didn’t realize it was so offensive for an 18-year-old girl to hold open a door for a man who had his hands full.

And that’s why, to this day, I’m afraid of old people.

SpiritofGarfield

98. Kidney Failure

A lady in my office donated her kidney to her boss to save his life, only to be fired shortly afterwards. Good luck beating that one, folks!

Liquid_Sky

99. Love Don’t Wait

Deliberately not texted a guy, or delayed texting him back. As a woman, I had the impression this made me look desperate, needy and/or forward, and friends’ advice at the time was that he’d be more interested if he didn’t hear from me. Looking back, I may have missed some great friendships and dates that way. Now if I’m feeling it, I don’t sweat reaching out.

It seems to work a lot better.

QuestionAccount411

100. Better Luck Next Time

I was a young lad, about eight or nine I think, and I was at the local park riding my bike around. There was a big hill next to the basketball court that you could catch some pretty sweet speed going down. This girl I knew came to the park with her mom to play around and after a while, they sat down at the bench to relax.

I was the focal point of their field of view, so I decided there was no better time to show off my sweet biking skills. I pedal to the top of the hill and start to ride down. Thinking I’d ramp up the difficulty level I start to pedal pretty quickly down the hill. There was a little lip at the bottom of the hill just before the basketball court, so with enough speed, I figured I could show this little lady what sweet air really looks like in person.

I hit the dirt lip and went over the handlebars with all the grace of a paraplegic trying to do the high jump. I face-planted on the concrete basketball court and had some nice gashes on my face. She and her mom gasp and proceed to walk over to check on me. I got onto my bike as fast as I could and choked out an “I’m ok, no big deal.”

All the while trying to swallow back the tears of pain and shame. I rode off until I was out of earshot and let the crying commence in earnest. It’s always served as a life lesson in how not to act cool in front of the ladies.

permalink

101. Self-Scan Screw-up

I was running low on condoms, so I decided to sneak a box in my basket under the groceries because the supermarket had self-checkout registers and I’m still freaking embarrassed to buy condoms. Totally backfired. I scanned the condom and threw it in the bag in a split second, this lady (I’m assuming the store manager) got suspicious and walked up to me and asked me if I’m sure I scanned everything, then mentioned “the yellow box.”

I remained calm, pointed out the item on the screen, and all of a sudden all her professionalism went away and a stupid smirk appeared on her face. Then she just had to crack a joke in front of all other customers. She said, “Do you know how to use them?” and laughed while walking away. Jerk.

oguz279

102. TMI

I told kids I had stopped wetting the bed at eight years old because I thought it was an accomplishment. Turns out I had psychological problems and sleep disorders working together to make me piss myself at night, and that bedwetting after early childhood is not, as I thought it to be, normal.

bigcitycrows

103. It’s in the Bag

I stood up on the bus to let a woman sit down. She just put her bag down on the seat instead. I’ll never trust an evil bag-wielding middle-aged woman again.

pleasenerfdruids

104. Ambulance Chasers

I’m a bus driver. I once came across a guy having a seizure on the side of the road in a small town. It looked like he had fallen down and broken his glasses. He also had some blood running down the side of his head. So, I called an ambulance for him because I didn’t know what else to do. I would live to regret this action.

The next day, a lady at one of my regular stops came up to me angrily and said, “Why did you call so-and-so that ambulance yesterday? Now he has to pay for it! He’s a tough guy , he would have been perfectly fine without it! This happens to him all the time!” It was mid-winter, and some random guy was twitching on the street.

What the heck was I supposed to do? Just keep driving?

creative_user_name69

105. A Change of Pace

I once tried to pay it forward at a Subway, so I gave the cashier a $20 bill for a grandmother and granddaughter who I saw sitting at a table. The cashier asked if I wanted change back after, and I did. I was in a tough spot financially, but I still wanted to do nice things. Once they finished, the cashier rang them up, and the grandma didn’t move when she counted the change.

She ripped the change out of the cashier’s hand and, when I stood there just staring in disbelief, the grandma called me a “selfish jerk.” She yelled at me more and just walked away with the money. I still like to pay it forward, but man! That incident turned me away from it for a while.

Alluring_Melody

106. Killing One Bird With No Stones

When I was a kid, I went into my mom’s room one time to find our pet cat looking up at a small bird who was just chilling on the rim of one of my mom’s bags, which was hanging from a cupboard no more than about a meter away. I had no idea how that bird had gotten into the room. I panicked and ran to try and shoo it out the window before my cat could get to it.

The bird didn’t move when I got closer, so I picked up the bag it was perched on and tipped it out of the window, at which point the poor bird dropped 2 stories directly onto the ground below. I stared back, confused as to why it didn’t fly off. It turns out it was actually an injured bird that my mom had come across, and had put in her bag to be nursed back to safety.

She had also neglected to tell me this. That bird’s death will forever be on my conscience.

Catapluck

107. Driving Dirty

I was 14 at the time. I got involved in a school play because of this girl I really liked. So about a week or so before the play a whole bunch of us got together at a friend’s house for a quick rehearsal, and of course, she was there too. We got organized and stuff however a car was parked in the garage, where we wanted to rehearse, so the owner of the house asked if someone could back it up.

I wanted to impress the girl so I said I would do it, my friend tossed me the car keys, I catch them without even looking at them. I had my eyes fixed on the girl. From there, it all went downhill. I had never ever even started a car before in my life; as soon as I closed the door I panicked, but still thought to myself: screw it, I’m going to go through with this.

So I grab the headrest of the passenger side, turn my head toward the back of the car, start the car, hit the clutch and floor it, I didn’t even check to see the gear (it was a stick) when all of the sudden I’m jerked forward. About three seconds into it, I hit a tree, panic even more and press the accelerator even harder and hit the tree again, and again, until it somehow it finally stopped.

I got out of the car still trying to look like I had it all under control, that was, until I threw up. The BMW was dented and still in the same freaking place it was parked to begin with. Oh God, I started to sweat with every word I typed. Needless to say, I never got the girl.

suxer

108. Scummy Scammer

When I was young I was able to save money very well. No bank or anything, just a wooden box under my bed that used to hold dominos. Every week I would cash my paycheck, put the vast majority in the box, and keep a little pocket money for myself. When I was 18, I worked at a video store. Everyone who worked there was very good friends.

One day we were told by our boss, a really great guy named Drew, that he had come down with stomach cancer. I talked to him afterward and was sad to hear that the store’s terrible insurance was causing Drew to have to choose between treatments or paying his rent. Drew was gay and his family had disowned him, so he had no help.

I thought about it for a few days and ultimately decided that I would be the one to help him out. I agreed to loan him money so that he could pay his rent. He would pay me back when able, and everything would be great. I gave him $3,000 that I had saved since I was 12—a little over three actually, but who’s counting, right?

Cut to five months later. I come to work one night to see Drew being dragged out of the place by the police. Turns out he had a massive coke problem and had been stealing from the store. He was such a good guy I actually fought for him at work for a month or so until I saw the evidence. I also learned that he never had cancer.

It was all a scam he had used on several “friends” of his, so he and his boyfriend could get high. I have never been able to get back to where I was financially. I am not sure what changed, maybe because I got a bank account, maybe emotionally it messed me up…I am not sure. I have $60 to my name now. One thing is for sure: I have never trusted people the same since.

Not sure anything will be able to give me that back.

triple_ecks

109. Delayed Reaction

I was in the parking lot of a store once when a lady dropped a bunch of stuff off her cart. She was having trouble picking up a box of bulk items. I told her that I would help her and we both picked the box up and put it in the trunk of her car. I still don’t really understand what happened next. She sprayed me with pepper spray and screamed.

I was left confused at why I was attacked as she almost ran me over driving out of there.

stimbus

110. Back into the Lion’s Den

I had been trying to break up with a psychotic girlfriend for weeks—she was a truly terrible person, but that’s a different story. She talked me into staying with her a few times, but I agreed mostly because I felt guilty dropping her right before her finals of her senior year of college. After she graduated, I finally was ready to put my foot down.

We had neighboring apartments in a complex. The only thing left of mine in her apartment was a booklet of DVDs. I went over to get it, and she, predictably, tried to talk me into getting back with her. We ended up talking for a while, and she was crying about how she wouldn’t want anybody ever again and how now she would never get married.

I knew that all of this was coming and was completely prepared. I gave her this glorious, elegant speech about why it just wouldn’t work if we kept it going, about how we needed to move on, and told her that she would find somebody to love again someday. All of this was done without a twinge of regret or doubt. My thoughts and words flowed without a pause or stutter in a way that I couldn’t recreate if I tried.

I ended with “Send me an invite to your wedding,” as this was the classiest way to say, “I will never begin walking down the aisle with you,” then turned around, and strutted out like a boss. It was a perfect, movie-style closing. Then I froze in the hallway as the smile crashed off of my face. In my efforts towards a glorious exit, I had forgotten why I went over in the first place.

I turned around and knocked on her door. “I forgot my DVDs,” I said, somewhat sheepishly. She handed my DVD booklet to me and said, “So much for your dramatic exit,” then slammed the door in my face. Boom, roasted.

VanillaTarantino

111. How Do You Say ‘Stupid’ in French?

I had a crazy French teacher who banned getting out of your seat during class for any reason. She was constantly handing out detentions for things as inconsequential as walking to the trash can to throw away a piece of paper. She absolutely could not deal with the fact that we periodically might need to actually leave our chairs for a perfectly valid and harmless reason.

One day, she accidentally locked herself out of the classroom and nobody would let her back in. “Sorry! We aren’t allowed to get out of our seats!”

jenglasser

112. Housing Crisis

I moved a friend of 22 years out of her house with a husband who beat her, placed her in a spare bedroom in my house, bought her clothes, got her a job, and gave her money to buy the things that she needed. I even took her to doctors’ appointments or anywhere else that she needed to go. Then, I found out 4 months before my wedding that she had been having an affair with my fiance every day while I was at work.

I lost my house (which was in his name), along with the $10,000 I had put into re-modeling it, my jeep, and all the money that I had already spent on the wedding. They now live there together, and she doesn’t even work. Hmmmm, I think I got the short end of that good deed…

capatiller

113. Sir, I’m Afraid You Are Mistaken!

At our local Red Lobster, someone once grabbed the “manager” to tell him that his shrimp was cold and that he wanted a free beer as compensation. He even went as far as to exclaim that he could get better fish by fishing. This “manager” was actually just my dad, who was there to pick me up from work, but apparently looked like an authority figure since he had a tie on.

My dad replied, “That’s cocktail shrimp, you moron!”

ooo-ooo-oooyea

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 45, 67, 8


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