When people go too far, they need to be taught a lesson. And what better way than getting even in a truly epic way—the kind that instantly makes you a living legend. From hilarious clapbacks to devious acts of vengeance, these Redditors came together to share their tales of times they made jerks regret messing with them. Forget getting mad—getting even is so much sweeter, and these stories are proof.
1. Mousing Around
I once had a colleague I hated because he was very condescending and really arrogant. So I put an extra Bluetooth receiver in his computer for a computer mouse, and kept the mouse in my drawer. I would just open my drawer and it would mess his stuff right up. Kept it going for like two months. He was about to destroy the world when I thought, “I better stop.”
2. My, Myself, and I
I was watching a customer service manager talking to a woman about a return. He’d already told her he couldn’t do it a few times. She demanded he get his manager. He, no joke, spins a circle and says, “They said no.”
3. Paying with Your Own
My dad is a pediatrician. One time someone said to my brother, “Your dad touched my balls.” My brother responded with, “Yeah, and you paid him for it.”
4. Penny for Your Thoughts
I used to deliver pizza for Dominos. It was my last shift and there was this house that was always rude. For example, I called to asked what the house looked like and they said “I gave you the address” and hung up on me. They also never tipped. Well, I got to their house and they gave me a check for one cent less than what the total was.
I said, “I am going to need the extra penny.” They grumbled off and took their time, hoping I would give up, but I just sat there holding the pizza. They finally came back all ticked off and gave me the penny. No tip. This time I came up with an ingenious plan. When they gave me the penny, I chucked it out into the street and left. They saw me do it. It was SATISFYING.
5. PSA: I’m Done
A guy in my department had a long-running feud with his line manager. After a particularly tense email exchange, he responded with an email that had an underlying “go screw yourself” message and quit. He then CC’d the entire department, including our senior management team, and the upper management of the entire organisation. It was a beautifully crafted rage-quit.
6. Say It to My Face
I have pretty crazy neighbors. Their crazy daughters are identical twins. One day, the twins were having a massive argument. The first twin says, “I hate you, you ugly witch.” The other twin loudly responds with, “We’re twins you, dumb idiot!”
7. Good Godiva, Man
My wife used to keep these little Godiva chocolates that she likes in her desk at work, but started noticing some of them missing and figured it must be someone from the overnight cleaning staff taking them. Fed up with losing her not-inexpensive treats, she decided to get revenge on the choco-thief in question.
My wife replaced the good chocolate with these little squares of chocolate laxatives that look just like real candies. The next morning, she saw several of the laxatives were gone. Mission accomplished. From that day forward, she was never missing another one of her good chocolates ever again. I imagine the toilet trouble was a lesson learned.
8. I Have the Receipts
I was once in a meeting with the very arrogant boss of our department and the other company executives. While I was there, there was a question about a major mistake that cost the company a product recall. Our boss laid the blame on our department from before he worked with us, saying we had modified a piece of equipment incorrectly.
One of my co-workers, a very humble man, quietly said to nobody in particular: “I have pictures in my notes.” Meaning: “I am throwing the boss under the bus in front of every one of his superiors in the company.” He hadn’t planned this, he just happened to be incredibly meticulous in taking notes and pictures and documented absolutely everything.
He proceeded to lay out the facts—that we were not culpable—with complete disregard for retribution from our very vengeful boss. It was quite glorious to see someone so haughty and pious get brought down so beautifully by a low-level engineer and his meticulous note and picture taking. Never seen anything quite like it.
9. Making It Lightly Shower
My habitually broke friend, Mike, finally got a part-time job at 23 years old. He cashed his $300 paycheck. We were all hanging out, and Mike was flaunting his money. He said, “Heck yea losers,” and tossed up in the air. Our friend, John, calmly stated, “Mike, don’t throw your life savings around like that.”
10. Kiss Off
When I was in the seventh grade, the start-up my dad was a part of was failing miserably in no small part due to a straight-up crazy CEO. While at the CEO’s house, my dad observed the CEO’s toddler daughter picking up a piece of dog poop and licking it. So he picked her up and told her to give her dad a big kiss.
11. Thank You, Next
I was in a McDonald’s during a lunch rush. A guy walked in and tried to rob the place. The manager’s response made me want to clap. The man told the dude he didn’t have time for this and just took the next person’s order. The place was packed and the would-be villain just left empty handed and completely ignored.
12. Seeing a Problem
A customer was angry that we couldn’t take another company’s gift card. He said, “Are you saying I can’t read?” I said, “No, our store got sold. We can’t take those anymore. The grace period ended two years ago.” He went silent. His wife said, “I guess you can’t read after all.” I wanted to high five that lady.
13. A Hairy Situation
Okay, this one is pretty gross. Growing up in a house of only girls, personal space does not exist even a little bit. We used to bathe in front of each other, and even use the bathroom in front of each other. There are no boundaries, nothing was off-limits. Even so, my younger sister was NOTORIOUS for shaving “down there” in the tub.
She was also notorious for not rinsing it out when she was done. Pubes. Everywhere. One day, she was taking a bath and I asked her to rinse when she was done, because I planned on taking a bath afterward. She told me to screw off. So, I reached in my pants, snipped off a chunk of pubes, tossed them in the tub with her, and walked out.
14. Tank Boy
I used to be a manager at Pet Co, and we had this fish tank that was very old. It was original to the store and was basically held together with Band-Aids and good intentions. We kept requesting it be replaced since we were putting more money into it than it was worth at this point. Yet corporate kept saying no because the new tanks cost well over $1,000 and they would rather chuck out a few hundred every month or so instead.
Well, we hired this young punk kid to be our aquatic specialist. He was bright but did not have a good background. I don’t know how he got hired on, and he was a touch above worthless on a good day. On his first day, I jokingly said if he can come up with a way to break this tank, I would much appreciate it. I had no idea about his ingenious plan.
Within two weeks, he broke the tank and showed me how he broke it so it would look like an accident. The silicone had been cut in a way that it would leak badly without it being able to be fixed. He didn’t even hesitate about doing it, and didn’t even seem remorseful or anything. Within a month we had a new tank.
15. Extinguishing Language Barriers
My high school principal once insulted my mother, who is not American and doesn’t speak English as her first language, when she spoke English and made a little mistake. She just politely apologized for the mix-up and said to him, “I’m sorry. Sometimes I get English mixed up with the other six languages I speak. How many do you speak?”
16. Falling Flat
Someone in my office would always crush lunches with his gigantic freaking lunch box. Either he ate bricks or lead, I don’t know, but I always came to the office fridge and found that my lunch was in pieces. So, after three bouts of this and numerous notes from myself and other colleagues, I carefully removed his lunch box.
I emptied the contents of the lunch box. Then I ran over them with my car. Just completely flattened it all. But that’s not even the best part. I then carefully packed it back into his lunch box, and put it back for him to find. I felt bad at first, but it was well worth the effort. He kept his lunch in a cooler by his cube from then on.
17. Silent Slayer
I teach pre-kindergarten at a public school. My students are four and five years old. Last year, I had a rule that no more than three kids could be at an activity table at a given time. When we rotated tables, I would call on the kids who were sitting quietly to pick their tables first, as a reward for their good behavior.
I had two kids sitting next to each other: James, who was sitting quietly waiting to be called on, and Allison, who kept loudly and rather obnoxiously announcing that she wanted to go to the sensory table, which I had just stocked with new toys. Two kids had already chosen to go there, so there was only one spot left.
I called on James first. He walked up to the center chart and I asked him where he wanted to go. He looked at the center chart, then at Allison, then at the center chart, then back at Allison, and while staring straight at her, jammed his finger at the sensory table. While he was walking away, I said, “Wow, James, that’s cold man.” But I don’t think he heard me over Allison’s screaming.
18. Karen Clear
A woman holding up the line at Starbucks asked the barista, “Could you please compare and contrast the five following roasts of coffee bean and tell me whether each would be best with pound cake, lemon squares, or pecan pie…?” The barista tried his best to describe what she wanted to know about the whole menu. When he finished, the woman said to him, “I’m sorry. Could you repeat that? I don’t speak gay.”
Then the cashier responded with the most beautiful thing I have ever heard: “No problem. I’m fluent in Karen.”
19. Revenge Is Sweet
There was this young teenager who cut in line in front of me at the supermarket. When he wasn’t watching, I broke his chocolate bar while it was still inside the wrapper. Then things really got good. Later, I saw him bicycling by. He opened up his bar and half of it fell out onto the pavement. He got really furious and I chuckled. It was a good day.
20. Cutting Her Off
My mom and I didn’t get along growing up, partly due to her alcohol dependency. We solely relied on welfare and then I became the main income provider at 15 through part-time jobs, before moving out on my own at 16. It was the same argument every day: I would bank transfer the rental and utility payments, but refused to hand over cash because she’d spend it on liquor.
She began throwing objects and flipping out, and eventually said, “Fine, if you don’t care about money, why don’t you just cut up my credit cards?” in a baiting sort of way. She handed me scissors and two credit cards. I just stared at them blankly and, being a jerk teenager, cut them up. She absolutely lost it. But that’s not the best part.
My brother lazily looked over at the scissors she handed me and said, “What exactly did you expect?”
21. Greasing up the Dance Floor
When I was 13, I used to attend dance classes. There were some older and heavier girls who always picked on me. I remember one of them saying, “Bite me,” in front of all of her other terrible friends. I replied with, “No thanks, I’m actually trying to cut fat from my diet.” That shut that cow and her mean friends up real fast.
22. By Popular Vote
High school. We were in history class, and I really had to go to the bathroom. A girl was already out and we were only allowed to leave one at a time. Fine. However, this girl often goes to the bathroom then just hangs out and is gone for like 30 minutes. So, after 20 minutes I had to really go. I asked to use the bathroom again. DENIED.
Teacher said someone was out already. I said she has been out for almost the entire class, I need to go. Someone texts the girl, she appears. Looks ticked. Yells at me in the hall. I didn’t have to wait long to get a satisfying revenge. See, she was trying to become our homeroom class president. Not really a serious position, but it was leadership for her college applications, and the “debate” was that day.
Our class was about 30 kids. Two people were running: that girl and another. They said their two-minute speeches. At the point where we cast our votes, I had a little group of my friends in the class vote for a third party—a guy she hated. He was elected and she lost a line in her college resume to a guy who didn’t even want the spot.
23. Making Light of the Situation
My parents owned an automotive garage. One day, a guy comes in and says his headlights don’t work and it’s the switch. Dad checks it out and it isn’t the switch. The dude has four blown headlights. When the guy picked up the car, dad explains he just needed new headlamps, not a switch. Dude thanks him, pays and leaves. But that wasn’t the end.
He comes back a little later complaining that dad didn’t do what he asked and he was ripped off. Dad explained again that it wasn’t his problem, but he persisted. They don’t want a fight, so my mom gave him his money back, but told him she needed to get the lights back. Dude says “Nah,” but he’ll come back. My mother is having none of that.
In the moment, she walks out and smashes all the lights with a hammer. She comes back in and sits down as the guy is yelling about calling the authorities. So mom dials 9-1-1 and hands him the phone. Officers show up and they tell him he got his money back, so the lights were mom’s property to do with as she pleased. It was so beautiful.
24. Sounds Familiar
I was playing Call of Duty 4 on Xbox with some of my friends one night. One of my friends said to some dudes who we had just beat that game, “Why does your breath smell like my wang?” Some dude said back, “Because I just ate out your sister,” without skipping a freaking beat. Xbox Live used to be a brutal, cruel world.
25. Forever Puzzled
My roommate and her significant other loved doing elaborate jigsaw puzzles. After I found out she canceled our lease, leaving me one week to find a new place to live, I threw away one piece of two different puzzles they were working on. Before you ask, she was able to do all this because I was 17, and not able to legally sign a lease.
26. Breaking the Bank
I worked for a company that went public after operating as a private company for 18 years. Four months after going public, our company was caught fabricating the financial statements for our quarterly reports. This put an extremely large strain on our accounting department, and they were required to work overtime to try and “fix” the corruption.
Well, the accountants started complaining that they were spending less time with their families, so the CEO held an emergency meeting. In that meeting, he told the accounting department that all departments are working hard and if anyone is unhappy, they can leave. He got what was coming to him.
The entire accounting department of 14 employees got up and left. It was super awkward. About two months later, the CEO stepped down and then the company was sold to a competitor for next to nothing.
27. More Than Enough
I overheard this in the cafeteria in eighth grade. The first guy went, “Is it cool if I sit here?” The other guy said, “No. This table is for the 2-foot dongs club.” So, the first guy immediately responded with, “That’s fine. I can cut off a few inches.” Eighth grade me was very impressed, so much that I still remember it 15 years later.
Years ago, I had a girl cheat on me with her ex. I never told her I knew, but inevitably broke up a week or two later “mutually”… I knew full well she would return to her ex immediately. Well, she did. I was bitter, but held it together. Then a month later, by a complete stroke of luck, I ended up with the ex/new boyfriend’s phone number.
A female friend of mine wanted to help me and posed as his “side chick.” She called and texted him every night for a week asking when he was going to screw her again, and saying she “can’t wait to see him again when his girlfriend goes to work.” I’d listen in to the calls, and every call we’d hear my ex in the background going crazy about it.
Sometimes she’d even answer the phone. My friend did a terrific job. After a week, we decided to up the ante. We drove by her house and his car was parked outside with the windows down. We put a pair of panties in the backseat. A few days later, I get a call from my ex, who had suddenly decided she wanted to return to me. Then I turned her down.
29. The Bare Minimum
I worked in a movie theater, and an older man came to the box office to complain and ask for a refund for his movie one day. I don’t remember the reason, but he was furious and disgusted by the film, cursing under his breath. My co-worker gave him a refund, but the gentlemen still wasn’t satisfied. He said, “I need to talk to your manager.”
So my co-worker calls the manager. The man buffs and puffs as he waits, looks at my co-worker and then says, “Aren’t you even going to ask me why I’m upset?” My co-worker looks him right in the eye. The he says something absolutely brutal. “I make minimum wage, they don’t pay me to care, they pay me to sell tickets.”
This man exploded, and the manager had to diffuse the situation. My co-worker was only given a slap on the wrist. That guy never really did care.
30. No References Needed
When I was at work one day as a cashier, I overheard some customer shouting at the service desk about another one of our employees. He was spouting off about how we were terrible and how our workplace only hires idiots. My supervisor looked him dead in the eye and destroyed this man’s life. She asked if that meant he wanted an application.
31. Twist Ending
My neighbor’s dog poops in our yard all of the time. It wouldn’t be a big deal, except he never cleans up after her. I finally had enough, so I decided to go with a classic. I put a flaming bag of his dog’s poop on his porch, rang the bell, and hid in the bushes. When he answered the door, I finally got my revenge by having an affair with his wife for the last three and a half years.
32. Those Who Can’t Do, Delegate
I used to work at a bakery and was constantly berated by my manager. She would give all the tasks she didn’t want to do to me, so I was literally doing her job for her while getting paid a little over half her wage. She had been there for five years and no one recognized her as a poor worker because I made her look so good.
One day, I wasn’t feeling great and she tried to hand me a thick stack of orders to double check, confirm, and file (which was strictly her job) while I was already in the middle of something. So I didn’t say a single thing. She stood there awkwardly for a minute before putting them down next to me, saying “thanks,” and walking away.
I was the closing leader that night, and never touched the stack. The next day, she’s reamed out by the district manager for not only not doing her job, but also leaving crucial customer info (credit card numbers and the like) out in plain view. Kept her job, but her mascara was runny as heck for the next few days. Taught her a lesson.
33. Taking It Stroll
I saw a girl in a bar, and some man walked up to her and said, “I bet the first thing you do in the morning is walk back home.” She said back to him, “Not from your house, buddy.”
34. Over It and Her
It was Friday evening and I had plans to meet a friend at a pub. Said pub was owned by another friend of mine and was quite popular in the area. I had been divorced for about a month by this point and I was single and ready to mingle. When I walked into the bar, I saw a horrific sight. I immediately noticed my ex-wife sitting there.
I decided that I would leave her be. She was with another guy, so I presume she was on a date. Honestly, it was good she was dating someone else, because it means she’d have her mind on him and not me. I sat down with my buddy, and about five minutes into me being there, my ex-wife came over and started making a scene.
I knew what was coming. She started berating me. I was just snipping on my beer as she was going off on me very loudly, with everyone in the whole bar watching us. After she finished, she said “Aren’t you going say anything?” I looked at the bar owner, and he said “Want me to kick her out?” I said “Please” and he had two staff members escort her to the door.
35. Selective Memory
My mom was a language teacher at my high school, and years after I had graduated, she called me kind of upset because a group of guys was trying to make her look dumb. The class was supposed to write one of those team dialogues in Spanish. They had a week or so to prepare it, then they had to perform it in front of the class.
When she called on them to do theirs, they said: “But we already did ours, we’re not doing it again.” She said, “You definitely didn’t do it, I don’t have any record of it here and I would remember it if you had.” They simply refused to do it, insisting they already performed it and that it was her fault she didn’t take notes or put their scores down.
She was in the middle of questioning herself when one of the good kids came and told her the truth. They hadn’t really done it, and they had just been bragging about making her look stupid. They apparently even threatened the class if they said anything. Well, obviously my mom was appalled, but she came up with an amazing revenge plot.
My mom was really into yoga at the time and got a great idea while meditating. She went in the next day and said, “Boys, I owe you an apology. I found my notes on your presentation and I do remember it, I don’t know how I forgot!” She then went on to describe all the grammatical mistakes they made, all their word choice flaws, everything. All made up. She failed them all on the project, and they couldn’t do a thing about it without admitting they’d made it all up.
36. It’s Always the Littlest One
I was on Xbox Live, and an older girl was trash-talking these younger kids. She said something crude, and someone told her to get a life. She said, “I have a life. I’m on my lunch.” The youngest sounding kid with no hesitation said, “I didn’t know girls with that kind of job were even allowed to have breaks.”
37. Gone Fishin’
I was studying overseas and my parents booked a trip to come out at the end of the school term, bringing along my two siblings. It was a month-long trip, with lots of pre-paid flights, trains, and hotels, plus it would likely be the last big trip we all took together. Obviously, both my parents requested and secured approved PTO months in advance.
It was the month of June—a typical summer vacation. Well, a couple of days before the trip, my mom’s boss hands her an assignment. Mom hands it back, saying she can’t take it on as she has a month-long vacation that’s about to start. Boss says, oh yeah, sorry, you can’t take vacation anymore. My mom responds to say that if you cancel her PTO, she’ll quit.
Boss gave her a blank stare. Mom handed in her notice and left. We had an amazing trip. She got a new job on return.
38. Popping Off
When I was a kid, I got the Sabrina the Teenage Witch “Handbook.” It was full of kiddie experiments and stuff, and it was pretty fun. My older sister had upset or annoyed me about something, so I tried out one of the “tricks” from the book. You fill a cup with water and some corn kernels, and put some tinfoil on top of the cup. It worked too well.
The kernels eventually pop and it makes noise against the tinfoil, but it takes a few days to “work.” I put it right under her bed and then I completely forgot about it….until one night I woke up to my two sisters screaming like crazy. It had popped in the middle of the night and she thought there was a rat under her bed.
39. Surprise Feature
I was in the marching band in high school, and we took a school bus to the away football games. We spent the trips there and back goofing around and being general high school band kids. One guy thought he was pretty good at freestyling even though he wasn’t and would often ask someone to make a beat for him.
One day, somebody finally gave in. He started up, “Oh-six is the year that we graduate, I’m about to go ask Kelly on a date.” Behind him, this super quiet guy jumped in and destroyed him. He finished the rhyme with: “but she’ll probably say no, so you’ll just masturbate.” There was a chorus of, “ooh’s,” and the freestyle guy never asked for a beat again.
40. No, YOU’RE Dismissed
I was once getting fired from a really bad job by a really bad boss. I knew he was going to fire me after I finished the project because the moron actually hinted at it in a conversation with his superior when he thought I couldn’t hear. So he calls me into a room, and as he was about to start his monologue, my phone rang.
I excused myself without waiting for an answer and left the room to answer the call. It was a company I had previously had an interview with offering me the position. I accepted, got back in the office, and dealt him the most satisfying blow. When I entered the room, I could see he was almost foaming. He was really expecting to destroy my soul by dismissing me from the job.
So we go in the room again and when he opens his mouth, I just stop him and say, “I know what you’re doing, could we make it quick? I have a really important meeting and I don’t want to be late.” He just threw the paper at me and left.
41. Cheaters Never Prosper
I knew a crazy kid in elementary school. Kid jumped across the table and tried to choke me out. I instigated it by saying he was “cuckoo for cocoa puffs” since that was the only thing that kid ever talked about and he was wearing a cocoa puffs shirt that day. Senior year of high school, turns out that kid was in my Design class.
I needed to get a C or better on the final. Over the year, I found out the kid was taking my work off my share drive and copying it. For the final, I purposely screwed up the drawing in my folder, but the kid didn’t double check it. He turned it in and failed and had to go back and be a super senior. Too bad for you, my dude.
42. Taking Charge
I work on the local force. I had a call where a teenager was “talking back” to his parents. He was not hitting, throwing things, or hurting anyone. He was being a spoiled brat. The mom got incredibly upset and started screaming at me when I said it was a parenting issue. I said, “This took you 15 years to mess up. I can’t fix all that in a 15-minute call.”
43. Off the Deep End
I was a lifeguard for a long time in a very nice area with rich, privileged kids and parents. Starting wage was over $20 an hour, so pretty good paying job for the amount of work you do. Friday nights, we had some regular kids that had bad parents who just dumped them there every Friday. Some of the kids got along, but most didn’t and would antagonize each other.
The parents never cared and wouldn’t ever discipline them. Management also refused to ever ban these kids, even though every lifeguard and supervisor said it was a liability and the way these kids ran and did dangerous stuff was bound to end in a real injury. Well, this one kid in particular was a real piece of work.
One time, he was getting in a co-worker’s face and being rude as all heck. This particular co-worker is quite attractive, early 20s, and a fairly small frame. So this 10ish-year-old kid who wasn’t a small kid was basically the same size as her. After he ran his mouth at her to impress his friends, I kid you not he grabbed her by the breasts with both hands, squeezed, and loudly said “honk honk.”
Her response was legendary. This co-worker, we’ll call her Alison, decked this kid in the face, and sent him plummeting into the ground. But this show is just getting started. I’m just standing there in shock. I start to walk over there in case this kid tries to hit her back, and she yells loudly “DON’T YOU EVER PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME OR ANY OTHER GIRL EVER AGAIN, YOU JERK.”
Unsurprisingly, this kid starts to cry. He proceeds to run away crying towards the change rooms. Slips, falls, and lands hard again. The rest of the kids are howling by this point with laughter. I’m still in awe of this 110-pound girl decking a boy the same size as her and then calling him out publicly on assaulting her.
Well, once in a while this jerk’s dad comes in for a swim. When he was around, we would inform him of his son breaking rules. He would always ignore us or blame the other kids and say his son is innocent. It just so happens kid’s dad is in the hot tub this fateful night. He gets up and marches over to Alison and myself, since I was now standing beside her.
He is definitely a bigger guy than me and looks kind of tough, but he is older and a bit portly, and I figured he would just chew us out for striking his son and make threats till the authorities arrived. Nope. This jackoff grabs Alison by the arm and starts reprimanding her like she is a child. As soon as he grabs her, I move to stop him because you just don’t grab a girl like that, no matter what.
Well, I’ll have you know I was too slow to intervene, because it turns out Alison didn’t need my help at all. She kicked this dude square in the nuts, then as he starts to stagger and slump, she slaps him hard across the face. The smack was so loud and audible it rang through my ears. Oh, and now the entire pool is watching, easily 40 to 50 people.
Alison then screams, “NOW WE KNOW WHERE YOUR SON LEARNED TO ACCOST WOMEN.” Alison then turns, goes and sits down in the small first aid room that has a phone for emergencies, and locks the door. She hops on the phone to ring the authorities. This room has a full view of the pool, and she just was cool as a cucumber.
Throughout this entire time, this guy is still holding his nuts and is starting to scream for someone to call the authorities. He starts yelling in my face, threatening with a lawsuit and says I’ll lose my job—yeah, good luck with that. It was a good thing the other regulars were around because they started trying to de-escalate the situation.
So the officers show up really quickly while he is still raging and basically foaming at the mouth. He starts yelling at them to “detain the lifeguards.” He doesn’t calm down, so THEN this guy gets Tasered, cuffed, and dragged away. It was so, so beautiful. Never saw the kid or the dad ever again.
44. Prank King Dethroned
Back when I was studying engineering, it occurred to me to try and find an app on my iPhone for those Panasonic projectors in lecture rooms. So, I got the app and it just let me connect to the one in the class without a password or anything. I have a friend who is one of those perpetual pranksters, so I knew just what to do with it.
I beam a picture of him onto the projector. The lecturer is just talking away and this goofy picture of my friend is on the screen. Lecturer does not realize yet. People in the lecture start waking up and giggling a bit. Now I use the pen function and draw a wiener on the picture, too. My friend was red in the face and trying to hide.
When the lecturer finally noticed, he totally called out my friend: “Michael, why is there a picture of you on the screen?” For a fleeting moment, I actually wrecked that dude.
45. Folded Like a Cheap Suit
I was in college at a bar, and a guy had been relentlessly flirting with me all night trying to get me to sleep with him. Finally, I thought I had a sure-fire line, “Sorry, I only bang guys with nine inches.” My friends hooted and high-fived me, and I flipped my hair and sat down feeling like zing royalty. That’s when he stood up, shaking his head, and said, “Sorry. I don’t fold my equipment in half for anyone.”
He walked away, and left my friends and I sitting in silence. I still have a scar from that burn.
46. Donut Mess With Me
The nurse-in charge at our emergency department has been working there for 20 years. Our hospital is in a rough area, so she’s seen it all. She has single-handedly tackled violent patients with superhuman strength. But one day, she outdid herself. This day, a disheveled guy came in to be treated for assault, to be detained after his discharge.
He was giving everyone heck all night, and he almost made his nurse cry. The nurse-in-charge called from the nurse’s station to cut that out. He called her a “miserable, old, fat witch.” The nurse-in-charge picked up a chocolate donut from the nurse’s station and without breaking eye contact, started slowly chewing it in front of him. Then she called the officers to pick him up.
47. How to Buy Love
My boyfriend’s uncle and seven-year-old cousin live upstairs from us. His cousin has a tendency to be a little bratty girl. One day, I was holding her dog when she came over and yanked her from my arms. No more than 20 minutes later, I went out and bought some dog treats. Every day when I come home, I give the dog a treat. Now the dog waits by our door instead of hers.
48. In the Family Business
When my younger brother was about 13, I noticed he had come home from school with a bit of a black eye, and I asked him how he had gotten hurt. He wouldn’t tell me what had happened, so I just assumed he lost a fight and I left it alone. A few weeks later, I heard what he did. It was hilarious, but so brutal at the same time.
There was a kid named Joe who went to school with my brother since the start of primary school. Joe was kind of a big jerk, he flew off the handle quickly and had a hard time fitting in; He’d lost his father at a young age, which is probably why. Our father had just bought himself a new sports car, which looked a bit of a feminine, and Joe choose this as his ammo to laugh at my brother.
Joe said, “Hey, does your dad cut hair for a living? He’s driving a hair dresser’s car didn’t you know?” My brother allegedly replied with, “What does your dad drive, a coffin?” When I asked why he lost the fight, my brother said he felt bad and took the beating out of guilt. Still… A+ for a quick comeback.
49. Bridezilla, Meet Mia
This is one of my favorite “screw it” stories. I used to work at a country club. There was a girl, let’s call her Mia, who had worked there for three or four years before me. Mia was told she was to replace the wedding manger immediately when she started, but had YET to be given the job after all that time. She confided in me that she was done and ready to quit and this would be her last wedding.
I told her to do what was best for her. The country club hosted a lot of weddings and we would always rotate the girls who would take care of the bride and anything she needed. I did it four or five times and only had one bride who was slightly demanding, but poor Mia had the worst luck and always got the bridezillas.
Mia was one of the NICEST people I ever met, by the way. So I was in the lobby setting up for cocktail hour. The hall to my left had two doors, a closet and the bridal suite. Mia and the bride were in the hall and I heard the bride start yelling at Mia about water. They were standing in the hall so I watched the whole thing go down.
Bride: “I ASKED FOR COLD WATER! THIS WATER IS ROOM TEMPERATURE! CANT YOU DO THE ONE THING IM ASKING YOU TO DO?” Mia: “Ma’am you asked for a bowl of ice and a pitcher of room temperature water. You asked to put the ice in yourself. You didn’t want me to touch it.” Bride: “WATER IS COLD! EVEN ROOM TEMPERATURE WATER ISNT THAT WARM! IM THE BRIDE! YOU WILL DO AS I SAY! THAT IS WHY YOU ARE HERE ISNT!? TO SERVE ME!” The next part was so good, it’s unforgettable.
Mia: (smiles and clears her throat) “Ma’am, I have gotten you water three times now I’m sorry it is not to your liking, but you know what’s not to my liking? YOU, YOU FREAKING JERK! YOUR DRESS IS HIDEOUS! YOUR WEDDING IS HIDEOUS! PURPLE AND PALE GREEN!? WHAT ARE YOU?! BARNEY?! YOU LOOK LIKE BARNEY IN THAT DRESS!! SCREW YOU! I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE, I DON’T NEED THIS FROM YOU BARNEY!”
She then storms to the office, hands over her name tag and fob, and leaves the bride in tears. Mia works at a college in North Carolina now. I miss her.
50. Pity Puddle
When I was a kid, I had a bed wetting problem. I’m not ashamed of this now, as thousands of other kids have had the same problems. At the time, however, it was humiliating. Even worse, my younger brother started telling other kids around school how extensive the issue was. I was mortified. Even after our mother told him to knock it off, he continued.
So, I decided to level the playing field. The whole “hand in a cup of warm water” deal didn’t work. So I stood over him as he slept one night and peed on him. The next morning, my mom thought we were both wetting the bed. After a few more times of “framing” my brother as a bed-wetter, he completely stopped using my embarrassing problem as entertainment.
51. Huffing and Puffing
I was at a comedy show when I saw a guy who was pretty tipsy heckling the comedian. He said to her, “I’ll bet you’re afraid of the big bad wolf, aren’t you?” “No! I’m not!” she said defiantly. He responded with, “That’s funny…the other two pigs were.”
52. Special Delivery!
In college, I lived with several guys in a suite. One dude liked to call me “chunky A.” Yes, I was chubby, and I still am, but I have lost a lot of weight and I am continuing to lose more. Still, at the time I was self-conscious about it and I asked him politely but firmly to not call me that. He laughed and did it more. That was the final straw.
I proceeded to call up every infomercial I saw on TV to send him baldness cures (he was losing his hair), tourist information from places like Iowa and Nebraska, and information about adult bedwetting. He was not too impressed when the mail started coming in. He accused me of it, but I played innocent. And then I took it up a notch.
I kept it up for two years while he lived there in the dorms. His junior year, he moved out to an off-campus place, so I found out where he lived. I then waited a couple of months and started the process all over again. Yeah, I bombarded him with junk mail. It was probably the most savage thing I’ve ever done. I have no regrets.
53. Hard to Brush Off
The most devastating comeback that I’ve ever witnessed was, unfortunately, directed right at me. 15-year-old me was at my friend’s house after school snacking at his kitchen table with a bunch of friends like we normally did most afternoons. When we finished eating, my friend jokingly accused me of never cleaning up my messes.
I responded, “what are you talking about? I always clean up!” All of a sudden, out of nowhere, his Jamaican cleaning lady appeared, and in her thick snappy Jamaican accent said, “The only thing you ever be cleanin’ up is all the snacks in da pantry.” It was upsetting listening to everybody’s roaring laughter.
54. Brain Vs. Brawn
A girl on my softball team teased me and spread rumors about me to the team and coaches just because we were competing for the same position. She was in my geometry class and then tried to buddy up to me because I was good at geometry and she wasn’t. So, for a while I let her copy my homework…then one day I gave her all the wrong answers and turned in the right answers for myself.
55. Hold It In
I was in my chemistry class and said “Breathing is one of my favorite things to do. I do it all the time.” The teacher said to me while she was sitting at the back of the class, “Maybe you should think about taking a break from it for a few days.”
56. Bro, You Can Tell Me Anything
Back in college, I was sitting in the library trying to work on an assignment. All was quiet for a while, until this one obnoxious guy came in and sat at a table near me. He proceeded to pull out his phone and have the loudest, most obnoxious conversation with one of his friends. Lots of “BRO, SERIOUSLY BRO?” and yadda yadda.
I was about to pack up my things and find somewhere else to work when the conversation turned to Netflix. The guy told his friend he should just use his account and proceeded to loudly state his email address and password for all in the room to hear. Obviously, this was too good of an opportunity for me to pass up.
So, I promptly logged into his Netflix account and navigated to the “LGBT” section and started adding the gayest movies I could find to the top of the queue. I like to think that both the guys ended up thinking the other one added the movies to the queue but were too shocked to ever say anything to each other.
57. Sweet and Short
Two couples and two singles were out for dinner. The woman from couple A mentioned how couple B would have cute children. The single guy said to the obviously uninterested girl, “How do you think our kids will look?” as a pick-up line attempt. The single woman said very directly and without hesitating, “Aborted.”
58. So Done
Back in the early 90s, supermarket cashiers had to type every price in by hand. I was at a grocery store, walking toward the only open check stand with a single bottle of soda in my hand. Suddenly, this hoity-toity lady with a cart stacked to the top flew out of one of the aisles like a freight train and cut me off.
“I’m in a hurry,” she said, then looked away like she was annoyed that I’d even been born. I looked at the cashier. He rolled his eyes and got back to work. Five minutes later, she’s walking out the door and it’s my turn to check out. What the cashier told me made my fist pump. “You’re good,” he says. “I put your soda on her tag.” Man, that felt good.
59. Just Mere Chest
My friend and his father were arguing over a rugby match. They are manly men, so the way they show love is by blatantly insulting each other. I was over for a big family dinner while they were going at it. Everyone was looking back and forth like it was a tennis match. I can’t remember what my mate said, but his dad just fired back without breaking a stride, “Yeah? Well, you should have dried on your mum’s chest!”
My friend just sat there mouth agape, while his sisters and I were laughing uncontrollably. His mum was giving his dad the most insane look I have ever seen.
60. Pennies From Heaven
I occasionally deliver pizza as a part-time job. There is a customer who tends to pay with a big bag of change. I don’t mean a bag full of quarters, I mean a bag full of dimes, nickels, and pennies. Since his meal typically costs about $20, the bag usually weighs several pounds. It is a total pain to count out all of the change.
Typically, drivers will just assume that he has the correct amount and leave. Usually, he has just enough or maybe a few cents over. I don’t think it is an innocent thing either, as he usually gives the bag of change with a dirt-eating grin. It is such a pain that most of the drivers know his address by heart, and avoid going to his house if at all possible.
I was having a bad night, and by the luck of the draw I got this dude’s house. I remembered reading a post involving someone paying in a checkout line with a bag of change, and I knew I could use a similar method to take my frustration out on this guy in the pettiest way possible. So I pulled up to his house and left the pizza in the car.
I rang the doorbell, and when he answered I saw the large bag of change in his hand. He asked where his pizza was and I said, “New policy, sir. Gotta count it out before we can give out the pizza.” So, I sat down on his doorstep and started to count out all of the change. At one point, I even asked if he could turn on his porch light, because I was having a hard time seeing.
He ended up sitting there while I counted out the entire bag of change. He was a dollar over, so I started picking up pennies to give him his change back, and he said that I could keep the rest as a tip. When I gave him his pizza, he sheepishly told me sorry and then shut the door. To my knowledge he hasn’t ordered pizza from us in a while.
61. Screeching to the Choir
My ex-wife, who cheated on me with multiple people before we broke up, called me to say that she wanted my daughter to go to church with her and wanted me to take her too. As she pushed me to talk about commitment, I said, “You’re right, commitment is important. Like when you promise “till death do us part” you don’t go around with other people and toss your family away.” She hung up as soon as she was able.
A drunk guy harassed me on the subway one night on my way home. About two minutes after his last “freaking stuck up cow” to me, he fell asleep. I made sure he regretted his mistake. I took out my lipstick and drew all over his face. Then I got off and watched him snooze away as the subway pulled out. Idiot. I hope he woke up with lipstick all over his pillowcase and a ticked off wife.
63. Show You How It’s Done
A guy at my work screwed up royally on a conference call while his boss was on the line listening in. Right after, the guy said, “I know, I know! I’m kicking myself already!” Without missing a beat, the boss said, “Well, stand up then, so I can kick it for you because apparently you can’t even do that right!”
64. Did I Do That?
My little brother and his girlfriend came to stay at my house for the weekend, and the girlfriend was super self-centered and obnoxious. When they left, she forgot her clothes and toiletries because she left them sprawled all over my bathroom. About a week later, she and my brother moved into an apartment together.
After he paid for the moving truck, deposit, and utilities, she cheated on him with her ex and kicked him out of the apartment. This left him broke, homeless, and heartbroken. In the days after the breakup, she kept calling and emailing him several times per day, demanding that he ask me to ship her clothes and toiletries back to her. “It’s Really Important, it’s my NORTHFACE.”
My brother called and pleaded with me to ship them to her so she would stop having a reason to contact him. Being the loving sister that I am, I gathered up the Really Important sweatshirt, shorts, underwear, shampoo, conditioner, soap, and razor. I folded everything nicely. I then wrote a nice note apologizing for taking so long to mail them to her. When she opened the package, she must have been furious.
See, the note was written in permanent marker, and the paper happened to be resting on the Really Important Northface when I wrote it. Unfortunately, the ink bled straight through the paper and onto the shirt. Also unfortunately, the shampoo, soap and conditioner caps were not tightly secured on their bottles, and the contents leaked out all over the clothes, further spreading the ink.
The most unfortunate result, though, was that her razor didn’t have any sort of protective cap or container and left little slashes all over the front of the Really Important Northface. She received the package, and my brother never heard from her again.
65. Watch Your Mouth
There was a rude and obnoxious kid who nobody liked at our school, and he deserved to not be liked. The only thing that could shut him up was a good fat joke because he was pretty big. So one day, he started making fun of a younger, smaller, nerdier kid with dirty old shoes. He was saying that he was better than this kid because he was rich and could buy “way nicer shoes” because he “made so much money because he stayed on the daily grind.”
Then this little kid looked at him with a straight face, and replied, “Yeah, grinding a Big Mac between your teeth.” The small kid never got made fun of again.
66. Dressed for Revenge
In seventh grade, I used to take home-made lunch to school. We prepared our own salad dressing (lemon juice, salt, oil, etc.), and one kid decided it would be good to take it and drink it before lunchtime. I asked him not to, but he continued to drink it, then started doing so in one gulp so I couldn’t stop him.
But instead of making a huge deal, I prepared two salad dressings. One that I would actually use on my salad, and another that had all the liquid condiments I could find in my mom’s kitchen. It was really fun to see his face as he drank it again the next day. The jerk never took my salad dressing again. I rode that high for a long time after that.
67. Word Problems
An English teacher made a mistake grading someone’s test. Shortly after, he looked at the board and saw a previous teacher’s math lesson. He asked if anyone still needed it. I nearly spat out my drink when I heard the kid next to me. He yelled out “you might.”
68. A Little Dental Work
I used to work shifts many years ago, including regular night shifts. My boss was an unpleasant person to say the least. He would leave his keys on top of his locker. One night, I took a small file to work and filed down one or two teeth of his front door key. The next day, he was telling everyone about how he got home and his door lock was broken.
He had to get a locksmith out, which cost a fortune, and he didn’t get much sleep. Well, it happened again a couple of months later. Then his car key got some treatment. I stopped after that, as I heard him mention it was getting suspicious that all these locks stopped working. But, unknown to me, other colleagues also disliked him…so one night his locker disappeared entirely. Rumor has it that it’s part of the foundations of an office block now.
69. Doing Your Best
A girl was yelling at her boyfriend while waiting in line. Obviously, everybody could listen to the fight. She ended her rant with, “And if you didn’t have such a small package, you might have a chance of satisfying me.” The boyfriend went, “If you sucked me as well as you suck the joy out of everything, you might know how big it can get.”
70. Keep This Under Wraps
I worked in a fish factory most summers when I was in my teens, and there was a boy who also worked there one summer who was a jerk and a harasser. Myself and another girl were his main targets, and he’d pelt us with really disgusting verbal harassment that was inappropriate and race-based in nature, since the other girl mixed-race.
It got so bad, he would even yell his insults over the factory announcement system whenever he didn’t have enough work to keep him busy. To make matters worse, the foreman refused to get involved…so we took action. One day, we finished work before he did, and spotted his car out in the parking lot. We looked at each other deviously.
We went back into the building, got several rolls of toilet paper and a packet of menstrual pads, and “decorated” the car with them. The car was seen by many of our co-workers, some of whom also witnessed the decorating and cheered us on. Once he got out, he just stood there, blushing and embarrassed and wondering who could have done this to him.
He was very subdued at work after that and the teasing nearly stopped entirely, I hope because what we did made him realize what it felt like to be on the victim’s end of all the teasing. Best thing about it was that everyone, including his own brother, knew who had done it, and no-one told him. Clearly, this was an overdue lesson.
71. None the Wiser
At 27 years old, I was engaged to a girl I’d been with since high school. Well, “out of the blue,” for me, but I’m thinking not for her, about two months before the wedding, she up and left me. We dealt with it relatively maturely and said we would be civil. Yeah, that didn’t work out. We pretended that we would stay in touch and be friends, etc., but there was serious anger and resentment for both sides.
A week after she left, she came back to get a bunch of her stuff. The tension was palpable, and there were passive-aggressive comments back and forth through gritted teeth and crocodile smiles. When we got to the bedroom, I very sarcastically said, “So, wow, how rude. I guess I didn’t even get the courtesy of a last time,” and without missing a beat, she smiled back and responded, “Oh, you did, you just didn’t know what it was at the time.”
72. Taught by Force
I had a guy in school who would always skip class and then ask for my notes. Very annoying. We had a group project worth almost 40% of our grade and he did zero work, and the professor told me “tough luck.” Instead of just saying “no” the next time he asked for notes, I took the low road and got the perfect revenge.
I began giving him edited versions. I would leave items out of lists, incorrectly define things, or just straight-up write stuff that made no sense. If he had even once bothered to crack the text, he would have figured out that I was just putting junk in willy-nilly, but that was apparently too much effort for him. He retook that class.
73. Expanding to New Heights
I’m a pretty short guy around 5’3. One day, I was talking to some guys that I knew. I looked at one of them and told him to grow a mustache, he looked at me and said, “Man, you should just grow.” Dang.
74. A Well-Baked Plan
I used to buy small treat bags of gourmet cookies from a local bakery a few years ago. I would eat maybe one a day, but they were a treat for me. Back then, my husband and I had a retail store and a few friends who would hang out at the store, since it was kind of a lounge too. Well, my husband and our friends would just help themselves.
But they had no self-control, and they wouldn’t even ask for some. I would buy the bag of cookies for me, and they’d be gone the next day. I would try to hide them but couldn’t. So, I bagged up a bunch of dog treats that the local pet food store had that looked very, very close to cookies. They were all about the same size as the ones I bought from the bakery.
I placed them where all the guys could see them and waited for the fun. Yep, they tried them…asked if they were a bad batch or maybe the bakery missed an ingredient or two in the dough. I waited until they tried to eat more than three each, then told them they were dog treats. They never touched my cookies again.
75. Quite a Handful
A kid was trying to brag to a female friend of mine about the size of his package. He said, “It’s so big you’ll need two hands.” To which I replied, “Yeah, one to hold the magnifying glass and one for the tweezers.” I was proud of myself.
76. Home Sweet Hospital
As a nurse, we had this god-awful patient who made all our lives a nightmare. Needed pain meds on the dot, needed to smoke every half hour, sat on the call light all freaking day. This person was also possibly the rudest human being I’ve ever met. Treated us horribly. So it finally came time for discharge, and this patient decided to come up with a whole bunch of new medical problems.
“I have chest pain! I have nausea! One side of my body feels numb!” So, being the very skilled and rational nurse I am, I asked the doctor for a whole new set of orders. First, I asked for lab draws every three hours (meaning needles every three hours) to check cardiac markers. Then I asked that the patient get “nothing by mouth” status while we did tests. This person couldn’t go an hour without eating something. Oh, but it gets better.
For the numbness, I requested he be placed on strict bedrest for 24 hrs, which meant no more going downstairs to smoke. I then explained this all to the patient, and he says, “Oh! I Just wanted to stay another night. I ain’t doing any of that! I feel fine, just give me my friggin’ papers!” I had him out the door in an hour.
77. Nothing in Common
A girl said to me, “I hope you weren’t hitting on my boyfriend because I assure you, he isn’t interested.” I said, “I’m not interested, especially now that I know he would have you.”
78. The Wet Bandits Return
A woman I work with literally stole this great story that I tell about me being in the same hospital at the same time that my niece was born. She tells it as if it was her husband, and she was in the hospital giving birth. She’s a known one-upper, everything you do she did it better, faster, it was worse for her, etc.
So, it didn’t surprise me when a co-worker told me she regularly tells clients that story. Now, every single day as I get in, I pour a tiny bit of my water bottle out on her desk, chair, or on the carpet somewhere in her office. In my mind, mold is slowly growing in her office, her skirt gets wet when she sits down, or any fresh documents she puts on her desk get sat right in the small puddle of water.
79. You Could Hear a Pizza Pop
My new manager at a pizza place had been giving me a hard time all night. He asked, “Why haven’t gotten your prep work done already?” Without thinking, I said, “because I’ve been too busy plowing your mom.” Everybody around me went silent. I suddenly realized what I said and to whom. There was a slight pause.
Then the manager said, “Well, you better get yourself checked, cause that girl is dirty.” We ended getting along great after that. But, holy moly, that was the closest I have ever come to being fired for being dumb.
80. Pop Quiz
This happened to my significant other when he was at university. His class was doing presentations in pairs, and he got paired with some girl who didn’t bother to bring notes or research information for their presentation. Instead, she let him do all the work, and any slides she did were made from his notes and research.
He complained to his tutor and she told him, “Don’t worry, leave it to me.” So the day of the presentation comes. They present, and then the tutor asked the girl a question that destroyed her. It was something like, “Is there any evidence to suggest that some cultures are more prone to mental health problems?”
And the girl answered no. The tutor then asked my significant other the exact same question, and because he’d actually read the research on the topic, he was able to list off several studies that showed that some cultures are in fact more prone to mental health issues. The girl glared at him the entire time he answered the tutor’s question. Pretty sure she ended up with a D.
81. Ingest That!
I was in my 11th-grade psychology class, and this jerk kid says to my friend, “Jeff, you’re such a wussy.” My friend replied, “Well, you are what you eat, and I guess that explains why you’re such a weiner.” The class lost it, and even the teacher was impressed.
82. Tow Me to the Burn Ward, Please
When I was in college back in the 90s, I used to dispatch tow truck drivers part-time to help pay tuition. It was an easy job. Someone broke down, they called Triple A, then Triple A called whichever tow company was nearest. If we were nearest, I would get on the radio and tell the driver where to go and what to expect.
Pretty easy, and most drivers were laid-back, friendly guys. Sometimes we would get new drivers, though, as the tow industry has a healthy turnover, especially in the wintertime. If the new guys ever got uppity or were jerks, we had this one trick we would pull on them. First, we would wait for the “Driver” to be helping a girl.
Then once they had gotten the girl’s car on the flatbed or strung up on the rig, we would go over the radio and ask if they were available. Dispatcher: “Hey driver, you have a customer with you en route back to the garage?” Driver: “Yeah dispatch we are heading back to the garage.” This is where we’d strike.
Dispatcher: “Okay, good. Oh, by the way, the doctor called. He said something about your private rash cream being in and you can pick it up whenever you have time.” Of course, all of the other drivers would be standing by on their radios and then they would all chime in laughing to bust the target driver’s chops. It was a great laugh, and the drivers never messed with the other drivers or dispatch again.
83. Home Schooled
I learned a phrase in Arabic, “Allah yehrib beitek,” which means, “May God destroy your house,” and I used it on a shopkeeper trying to scam me. Without skipping a beat, the shopkeeper looked at me and said, “Allah yehrib beit omek,” which means “May God destroy your mom’s house.” I got your mom-ed in Arabic.
84. That’s Cold
My roommate used to leave his heater on full freaking blast when he would sleep, and I’ll give you one guess who paid the electric bill. He would sometimes forget to turn it off for work, which of course made me even madder. One day, I had enough. Instead of being an adult and asking him to turn it down and or off when he left, I pulled the heater off the wall and unwired it.
85. Your Toast
A long time ago, one of my old friends was at a local bar with his brother and another friend of ours when some Bros came and sat across from them. He soon realized the ringleader of the Bros was the guy who was making moves on my friend’s ex-girlfriend. He’d had a crush on her forever and now that her and my pal were over, we all knew it was just a matter of time until he made his move.
As the night progressed, we heard them snickering about my buddy, but we just ignored them and tried to have a good time. A little while later, the bartender walked up with a special drink – a strawberry shandy. This was the most feminine drink on the menu. This was clearly the Bros ringleader’s moment of glory that he had been working on all night. He thought it would solidify his status, but he was so wrong.
He and his henchmen were filled with glee and anticipation as the drink was delivered, and soon after the waiter said, “courtesy of your friends over there,” they erupted in laughter. Then, my friend, unwavering and keeping his cool, showed a steely determination I’ve never seen from him. Without breaking eye contact with his foes, he picked it up, gave them a thank you nod, and started drinking it.
He finished exactly 7/8th of the cocktail, then lowered the glass, handed it back to the bartender, and said, “Would you please send my thanks and remaining drink to my friend across the bar? When you give it to him, give him the following message: Thanks for the drink, please enjoy my scraps again.” The waiter obliged with a grin and delivered the drink and message loud and clear. The ringleader’s face went blank, and the bar burst into laughter.
86. Avengers, Assemble!
My favorite childhood story. So, I was an AP kid and had a bunch of AP friends, and also was in sports and theater. I had a large bunch of friends in nearly every clique. Anyway, one day one of my friends gets sucker-punched in the halls by some jerk. Because of the school’s ridiculous zero tolerance policy, getting sucker-punched carries the same punishment as doing the punching.
As a result, my friend and the jerk both got in school suspensions, even though only one of them was punched in the face. I thought that was a little bit unfair. So, I got my friends together, and they got their friends together, and every week, one of us would sucker-punch the jerk. Every week, both of us would get a suspension, but there were enough of us that it didn’t matter. The jerk, meanwhile, missed so much class he had to retake the grade.
87. Single Served
I was with a bunch of close friends, and one of them brought his new girlfriend. He’d been acting better than all of us since we were single, and she instantly hated me and every other girl in the group and was crazy jealous. About three hours into it, she started screaming at me for “being in love with him.”
She said, “It’s so obvious you’re into him. It’s pathetic. He made the best choice with picking me. You and every other brat here are just mad.” I said calmly, “I don’t want your boyfriend. No one wants your boyfriend. That’s why he’s with you.” She was pulled away while throwing a fit. He hasn’t brought her around since.
88. Yes, Your Honor
I had a six-month school internship at a mobile phone store. The boss was a total jerk who treated his school-interns like full, paid workers, and even gave me some money responsibilities. A while after the internship, he called to tell me I would have to give a statement at court because he had a problem with some customer and a particular shipment.
He planned to tell the court that he explained to me everything concerning the shipping precisely. Of course, he didn’t. And of course, I didn’t lie in front of the judge. My boss’ attorney gave me a look I will never forget when he realized his stupid plans didn’t work out. A few weeks later, he tried to call me again. I didn’t pick up.
89. Quite a Knight
It was my very first job as a waiter at this local diner. About four months in, I was pretty good at my role. The diner wasn’t large, and customers were mostly regular. The boss and I could easily run it alone, and it was something I enjoyed. One day, Lord Regent Jerkface III comes with three members of his court in tow.
They ordered their food and proceeded to drop wrappers on the floor, spill food, sprinkle salt on the floor after I swept, talk loudly on their phones, etc. Once they finished their meals, I brought the check with the total of $25.50. Lord Douchy thumbed through his wallet to pay. He casually asked me, “how long have you been waiting tables?”
I told him, “around four months,” to which he jeeringly replied, “I can tell,” and then slapped exactly $25.00. I counted the money in front of him and kindly informed him that the check was $25.50. The guy gave me a blank stare and then said, “huh?” I tried to explain but Douchtastic was dumbfounded. Finally, his lady friend leaned in.
She smacked him then said, “He needs another dollar.” A pathetic, “Oh,” escaped the lips of the Lord Regent. Now was my chance, “So. How long have you been doing math?” His friends burst out laughing at him. It was very satisfying.
90. Take It Online
A guy owed me money, but I wasn’t immediately worried because we had done transactions before. This was a transaction via USPS. Well, he started dodging me, ignoring calls and messages, but stayed active on Facebook, all while ignoring me and deleting my comments on posts. After three months, I had had enough.
I got the notification to approve him as a member of a Facebook group I’m in. I approved him…then made a big post in the group putting him on blast for it, tag and everything. I then added his mom and sister on Facebook and sent them messages. Mind you, the guy is in his thirties, he has no excuse. He messaged me about it, and things are getting resolved.
91. Doggy Dog World
My dad was working for a company that was involved in a lawsuit with a dude who was, by all accounts, a real annoying jerk. The lawyer, knowing my dad, told him to avoid the guy and not engage with him. At the courthouse, this guy was all over my dad talking smack. Finally, my dad turned and looked at him.
My dad said, “I’m not supposed to be talking to you, but I’ll say this: I hope when you get home tonight, your mother comes running out from under the porch and bites you right in the bum.” It took the guy until my dad was already 300 feet down the hallway for it to click.
92. Is This Hacking?
My previous property management company was the worst. After a huge snowfall, the property management company hadn’t touched the snow in our parking lot for days. After day three, I called to mention we were sort of trapped and they needed to send trucks and snow blowers to take care of things. The response I got was basically “Sorry, we’ll get to it sooner or later.”
Important note: Years ago if you opened a Yahoo email, you could add a second email for recovery without confirming it. I created a new @yahoo email address and used their general @propertymanagement as the alternate email. I then signed up for alerts for every time there was an eBay listing for “snow plow” or “snow blower.”
It took a matter of hours before thousands of emails were sent. Ended up crashing their email server. They responded to all residents with a very nice email explaining they get the frustration, and they’re working on it. So, I paused the alerts. 24 hours later, still nothing, alerts back on. Another email, another pause, another day of nothing, repeat. Eventually, we got the driveway plowed and life was good.
93. Gentle Execution
There was a kid in class who was on the spectrum somewhere, and he’d knocked over a lab stool. The smart-mouth kid of course went, “Haha, you knocked over your chair.” Stuff like this usually set him off. To my amazement, he replied, “No, I laid it down just like I do with your mother.” I gave him a high five.
94. Every Cent Counts
My downstairs neighbor at my old apartment was most likely a dealer. He didn’t have a job, and cars would come by at all hours of the day or night, often honking loudly. He or his girlfriend would run out and chat with them for like five minutes and they’d leave. The slinging didn’t bother me, but the honking at all hours did.
It would wake my girlfriend and I up at all hours of the night. Frequently his clients and friends would be parked and taking up two spaces when I came home from work, throwing off our already crowded parking scheme. His own vehicle was parked in such a way that if he had moved a few feet closer to the house, we could have another spot.
But his car didn’t actually run, so he couldn’t move it. He then started dating a woman with like three kids, and when they were over they’d leave their bike and toys in the parking lot or in front of our steps so we’d have to dodge them in the morning. She had a small dog, and while she was usually good about cleaning up, she would still miss some piles from time to time.
Eventually, I had enough. I decided to pay him back in the pettiest way possible. Each floor paid for their own electricity, and I knew our downstairs landing light was on his circuit. It was an old incandescent bulb, not an energy-efficient one like we had at the top of the stairs and throughout our apartment.
After his friend took up two parking spaces for like, three days, I never turned that light off. It was probably costing him an extra 30 cents a month in electricity, but it mattered to ME.
95. Unfit for Everyone
My former friend was 12 years my senior, and she fancied herself pretty heavily. She was OK, but I doubt anyone was losing sleep over her. She dressed way too young for her age. One day, she pointed out that I was overweight and dumpy-looking next to her. I finally had enough of her comments. I said, “Well what about you?” “Excuse me?!” she snapped, “I have the body of a 22-year-old!” I said back, “Well give it back, you’re stretching it out!”
96. A Lesson in Wokeness
My sister posted a very anti-LGBT article on Facebook when the North Carolina bathroom bill was passed. She claimed she “no longer felt safe” shopping at Target if she might “be forced to use a bathroom” with a trans person. The horror! I got her the best revenge “gift” possible. For her wedding the following month, I got her a Target gift card. XOXO, Your very gay brother.
97. You Dil or You Don’t
My sister, when she about 13, was fighting with my little brother who was three years older than her, and he was being aggressive and mean. She clearly shouted, “I’d call you a dick but you’re so fake you’re just the toy version!” My mom and I were in the kitchen, and my mom shouted at her, “GO TO YOUR ROOM!”
My sister went upstairs, and my mom still had tears in her eyes and was choking back laughter when she said, “Where did she learn that?!” I told EVERYONE I knew at the time. I called it The Sickest Burn of all Time. It’s still so beautiful.
98. Diaper up
We had a guy in our office take a dump in the bathroom every day after lunch, and it would stink up the whole office. The manager asked everyone who needed to vacate their bowels to please use the lobby bathroom since our office was small and we only had the one bathroom. He didn’t listen. Fortunately, he was like clockwork, so five minutes before he went in, I took all the toilet paper.
That’s right. I forced the man to live with a dirty butt.
99. Bold to Assume
A kid in class was being quite insulting about another boy who had just come out. This guy, let’s call him John, kept implying that he had to be afraid that our gay classmate was going to make a move on him. The perfect comeback popped into my head as he teased this poor kid. I sighed and said, “John, none of the girls in class fancy you…why would any of the boys?”
100. Your Cheating Heart
My ex cheated on me with a married man. She now lives with him. She is a jerk, but I got the last laugh. You see, I still have the login for her DVR. I logged in, erased all her shows, then recorded only the show Cheaters. Petty, but it makes me laugh.
101. Chatter Box
I was in an online chatroom when I was 15 years old. Some guy I’d been talking to for a while and who I had told I was 15 sent me a, shall we say, inappropriate picture out of nowhere. He asked me what I thought about it. I told him that my mom always told me that good things come in small packages. He wasn’t very impressed with me.
102. Quit It, Squirt
The annoying kid in class had a spray bottle and was spraying it on people even though everyone asked him to stop. Then some girl walked up to him to deal with the situation, and it went something like this, “Dude, can you stop?” He went, “Nah.” Then she said, “Aw, is it the only way you can make a girl wet?”
103. Snowball Fight
So it’s winter and everything is covered in snow. I’m going home from a friend’s place and I see my shoelace is untied. I grab a nearby tree so I can maintain my balance while I put the shoelace inside my shoe. Immediately after grabbing a tree, a ton of snow falls on my head. A woman that was walking behind me starts laughing. Then, right after she walks by me, she slips on the ice and falls down. I had a good laugh of revenge.
104. On Deft Ears
An old lady was loading her groceries at my cash. To pass the time, I usually sing along to whatever awful song playing on the PA. The little old lady looked and said, “What did you do with the money?” I was confused and asked, “What money?” She said, “The money your parents gave you for singing lessons.” Call the burn unit. Man down.
105. Out to Lunch
My dad kept getting his lunch stolen at work. One day, he got my mother to get the spiciest hot sauce on the market and put it on his sandwich. Lo and behold, the guy who stole it was looking red as a hot iron. They fired the guy and my dad got to eat his lunch again.
106. Invasion of Privacy
Not a lawyer, but I took my brother-in-law’s landlord to small claims court (He’s on SSI and I’m his conservator). We sued her for over $4,000 after she just decided she didn’t like him and changed the locks on his apartment door. She also stuffed all of his belongings into trash bags and dragged them out to the curb. This was all done the day after she cashed his rent check.
It all started because she was letting herself into his apartment with no notice and was going through his stuff while he was gone. When I found out about this, I told him to let her know that was NOT okay. He did, and that’s why she kicked him out. I’m very organized, and presented the judge with a folder containing photos, receipts, short videos on DVD and the sheriff call logs, as well as a concise timeline of events.
The landlord showed up with her son and countersued for the exact same amount we were suing them for. Claiming that the apartment was trashed, there were holes in the walls and they would have to repair everything before being able to rent again. During the hearing, the judge asked for evidence of the damage to the room.
The son whipped out his cell phone and showed a video panning and walking around the room. The video showed my BIL’s apartment obviously still being lived in (his stuff was all still there) and no visible damage, but there were a lot of posters and things hung on the walls. When the judge looked at the video he asked, “Where is the damage?” The son replied, “You can’t see it. It’s behind all of the posters.”
The judge frowned and looked at the video again, and then said, “Did you take this video when he was still living there at this time?” The son replied, “Yes.” This was the clincher, the judge then asked, “Did you ask his permission to enter the apartment to take this video?” Silence. We were awarded the full amount.
107. Just a Reminder
My annoying co-worker loved saying dumb stuff to get a rise out of me. One day, I made him regret it. He shouted at me from across the floor that “there’s a woman on the phone, and she says she’s pregnant, and she thinks the baby might be yours.” I just shouted back at him, “Tell your mom to stop calling me at work.”
108. Don’t Stop Believing
My dad is out of state on business driving through some no-name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly, a cop pulls him over and tickets him—stating that he ran a stop sign. My dad insisted that there was not any stop sign, but the cop did not listen. Angry, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was indeed a stop sign hidden behind a tree.
More than that, it was twisted in the wrong direction! Even angrier, he went into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera. The clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up. Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket.
So he was shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge, and strolled out in five minutes scot-free.