Without being able to totally understand the adult world, kids still somehow manage to expose it in the most memorable ways. From mortifying talks about the “birds and the bees” to inappropriate outbursts in public, here are the most embarrassing things people have ever seen kids do. After reading this, you might want to apologize to your mother.
1. Feels Good, Fam
I was at Thanksgiving dinner with my whole family when my seven-year-old cousin suddenly piped up, “Aww, I missed it!” When her mother asked what she missed, she responded, “The phone stopped vibrating. When it vibrates I like to hold it up to my privates.” All of our relatives stared at her. She just replied, “Why is everyone looking at me? It feels good!”
2. The Holy Spirit Moved Her
One day while we were all at church, my little sister got up and stood on the pew while everyone was praying. She then started singing “Take Me out to the Ball Game” at the top of her lungs. She did so until my dad carried her all the way out of the door. Some patrons were ruffled, but hey, it was the most entertaining mass EVER.
3. Getting It out in the Open
I was walking home from the bus stop and saw my little three-year-old neighbor kid squatting in his yard. At first, I couldn’t really tell what he was doing, so I shouted to him to ask what he was up to. His reply chilled me to the bone. He responded, “I’m pooping out here, this way no one inside can smell it.” Uh, okay…
4. Mind Your Ps and Qs
When my cousin was younger, my aunt was trying to teach him how to be polite. She would always tell him to say “please” and “thank you” and stuff like that. So they were at the grocery store one day and he was trying to get around a woman in one of the aisles. My aunt says, “Nick, say ‘excuse me.’” My cousin: “Excuse me, big fat lady!”
When I was seven, my older brother told me to tell the following joke to all my relatives during a dinner: A man comes home from work one day and sees his girlfriend heading out the door of their house with her bags packed. He asks where she’s going and she says, “I’m leaving you because I just found out that you’re a pedophile.”
He responds, “That’s a pretty big word for a 10-year-old.” I had no idea what it meant, but I was eager enough for attention to tell it regardless. Half of my family cracked up, and the other half just stared at me in disbelief. We haven’t brought it up since.
6. The Student Has Become the Master
My friend was sitting on the subway in London, and there’s a young mother with her son. He’s around four or five. Apparently, this kid is being kind of annoying, making noise, running around, etc. Eventually, the mother loses her cool and slaps the boy on the arm quite loudly. There’s a moment of silence, and most of the people on the carriage are staring.
For a second it looks like the kid is about to start bawling. Instead, though, he turns, looks his mother straight in the eye, and says: “Are you proud of yourself?”
7. He Knows What He Likes
We were at an Easter family party one year and my cousin brought his girlfriend. This lady was at least 24 years old and had a lot of cleavage with a really low-cut shirt. As soon as we get there, my younger brother, who’s like four, spots her. He promptly runs over as fast as he can and climbs on her lap, where he begins to just chatter away.
Meanwhile, he’s rubbing his hands all over her breasts and patting them. After about 15 minutes of this, he finally just lays his head on them and says, “Lady, I like your breasts.” She was not pleased.
8. Pointing Fingers
My seven-year-old sister pointed at some lady at the grocery store. My mom said “Honey, don’t do that, it’s not polite to point!” So then my sister made a fist and stuck her arm out at the lady instead, saying, “It’s okay mom, now I’m just fisting her!”
9. Confessions of a Toddler Drama Queen
I have a movie night at work where all the kids have dinner and watch a movie. One of the four-year-old boys stood up as soon as the movie began, and said, “I have an announcement. I have a hole in my you-know-what.” I was very shocked, but couldn’t pull him away before he finished his with “…and it’s bleeding.” I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that one.
10. This Story Stinks
My brother woke up one morning with a diaper full of the most rank, foul smelling diarrhea known to man. He feels the distinct need for fresh linens on his rump, so goes to tell my mom that he needs a changing. Well, the problem was that this was at 5:00 in the morning, so my mom is, understandably, fast asleep.
My brother comes into the room, quiet as can be, and says, “Mommy, I have stinky-butt.” But there’s no answer. Brother: “Momma! I have stinky-butt!” My mom is still blissfully unaware. My dad, however, has been awake since he came into the room. He’s been trying to wake up and come to terms with what’s about to happen.
Suddenly, my brother shoves his hand into his soiled diaper, smears it with a large glop—and then he does something terrible. He yells, at the top of his wee lungs, “STINKY-BUTT!!” and rams his filth-covered fingers up my poor mother’s nostrils. She screamed, took a moment to compose herself, and then proceeded to puke on the floor, narrowly missing my brother.
11. Tyke-Ray Vision
My sister once stuck her hand up my mom’s shorts in a bakery and said very loudly, “Mommy, you’re not wearing any underwear!” My mom was of course embarrassed, and laughed nervously and told her she was wrong. My sister, undeterred, just kept insisting that she didn’t have any on until we hightailed it out of there.
12. Subliminal Messaging
At my cousin’s first holy communion, I was about two years old. Apparently I had only started speaking a few days before this, and had never said more than three words or so. While everyone was receiving the bread, I suddenly shouted “I’D RATHER HAVE A BOWL OF COCO POPS!” My mom still loves to tell this story.
13. Do Not Disturbing
When my brother was in kindergarten, he was a bit of a ladies’ man. He was always telling people he had girlfriends and hugging girls and stuff, nothing too alarming—until the day he did the most embarrassing thing. My mom got a call from the principal of the school telling her she had to come get him right now.
So the kindergarten room has a bathroom of its own so the kids can go easily…but my brother and another girl from his class locked themselves in it. When the teacher demanded they come out, he yelled that they were, “Getting it on and would be out later.” God knows what they were really doing, but mom couldn’t look the girl’s parents in the eye for weeks.
14. Calling You out
My four-year-old sister answers the phone. Caller: “Hi Maddy, is your mom home?” Sister: “Steve?” Steve: “Yeah, Maddy, is your mom home? I’d like to speak with her please.” Sister: “Screw you Steve.” Hangs Up.
15. The Wet Bandit
Several years ago, I was standing in line at a store and I heard a scuffling behind me. I turned around and a kid who was about seven had come running down the aisle directly behind me and shuffled to a stop. I watched as he stood there stamping one of his feet on the ground. I was confused, until it all became terrifyingly clear.
Eventually, a poop plopped out of the bottom of his pants. Then he stood perfectly still, and a rivulet of bright yellow streamed out the bottom as well, just as neatly as if he had a tube running all the way down his leg. Immediately after this, he shook his leg a couple of times for good measure, turned on his heel, and ran back to where he came from.
16. Respect Your Elders
I was carrying my three-year-old son in the line at the grocery store, and there was a very elderly woman in front of us. My son stares intently at the back of her neck. Very loudly, he then says, “WHY IS THAT WOMAN SO OLD?” The woman stiffens visibly. At the time, I thought I could push through this. I was so wrong.
First, I say to him, “Well, when people live a long time, that’s when we say that they’re old. But it isn’t polite to…” “BUT SHE HAS LOTS OF WRINKLES ON HER NECK. LOOK, THEY’RE LIKE CRACKS…” The woman begins to get even more rigid and her neck—which is pretty wrinkly, actually, Galapagos-tortoise-wrinkly—turned red.
I get him to shut up, and then mutter a heartfelt apology, which she totally ignores. But it wasn’t over yet. While our groceries get scanned, he then starts staring intently at the bag boy, who has a terrible case of acne. He starts to open his mouth, and I tell him there are dancing monkeys outside. Thankfully, that shuts him up until we get to the car.
17. Privacy Pest
I was taking a dump at a restaurant last week. As I was in mid-poop, I suddenly hear the door open outside the stall. Fine, I think. But then a few seconds later, this little kid, who’s maybe three or four years old, just crawls right up and under my stall and just stares at me for a few moments. It was pretty weird.
18. Kiss and Tell
I work with children as a martial arts instructor, and I am constantly in awkward moments with them. The most awkward was probably one class I was teaching where there were only a few kids actually there, but for some reason all of their parents happened to be watching. So of course this is the moment the worst happens.
I was sitting and talking to all of the kids, and one of the girls jumps up and kisses me. In front of both of her parents. And all of the other kids. She was five. I am 22. Not even the first time it happened.
19. A Personal Anatomy Lesson
My sister went through a phase when she was about two where she would ask women at the grocery store or the bank if she could see their you-know-whats down there. They usually politely said no, but this was also in the South, and so some of the more religious types would usually glare at my mom like she had something to do with it.
20. Animal Instinct
When I was four or five, I was nuts about dogs, mainly German Shepherds because we had two. One day, my sister brings home a good guy friend of hers from school and they babysit me. At the time, I was very observant of our two dogs and noticed they sniffed people and sometimes their crotches upon greeting them at the door.
Often the greeted person would get their hands licked, too. Me, never having met my sister’s friend before, ran straight up to him and said “Woof woof! I’m a dog!” and promptly smushed my face into his crotch and took big sniffs. Then I stuck my tongue out and went to start licking him. My sister, crying with laughter, stopped me before I could.
Apparently, the poor guy was so shocked he didn’t know what to do and froze. My sister will probably tell that one at my wedding for sure.
21. Twist Ending
When my kid was three, we were talking a walk and all of a sudden he starts pointing and yelling, “Mom, mom, look!” I see a man in a wheelchair heading toward us. I already know he’s going to say something inappropriate about the man being in a chair with wheels, so I get my “Kids say the darndest things” look ready on my face.
As we start to pass the man, sure enough my boy starts saying, “Mom, mom,” and then in his loudest voice he says, “That man is really, really fat.”
22. The Greatest Gift of All
My co-worker Brandi was celebrating her 45th birthday, and some of her students had brought her home-made cards or other small presents. We teach first grade, so most “presents” are small toys from around the house or other things along that line. It’s the middle of the day, and the class is working independently.
So as the following episode unfolds, there are 23 pairs of six-year-old eyes bearing witness to the whole thing. One of the more eccentric boys asks to go to his backpack because he has just remembered that he brought Brandi a present. The other students pay little attention as he quietly walks into the hall and returns with his small “toy.”
The boy walks into the classroom and says something like, “Watch how cool this is. If you twist it, it shakes.” He then goes on to show the class how to twist Brandi’s new present in order to make it shake. It’s at this point in our story that I’m in the hall walking past Brandi’s room. I hear this loud humming and poke my head in the room…
Just in time to see Brandi’s face twist in the horrifying realization that her student has just demonstrated how to activate a vibrator to the entire class. Oh, but that was just the beginning. See, the secretary spends the next three days with it in a plastic bag in her desk. Why? Well, it took her that long to get in contact with the mother to come and pick it up.
23. Everyone’s a Critic
I was at work and my wife calls me to let me know that our three-year-old had woken up from her nap while my wife was in the shower. She then climbed up on the counter, got in the freezer, took out the ice cream, then proceeded to poop in it and leave it on the floor. Our working theory right now is that she didn’t like the flavor.
24. First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage…
I was at my wedding rehearsal with the wedding party, family and friends, wedding coordinator, pastor…just basically everyone I’ve ever known. Me: “I do,” Wife: “I do,” Wedding coordinator: “And kiss the bride, now walk down the aisle.” My sister, just as we’re walking away: “NOW YOU CAN GO KNOCK HER UP!”
25. That’s Above My Pay Grade
It was my first day as a nanny to a 12-year old-girl with fetal alcohol syndrome who had been adopted by her folks at age two from a Russian orphanage. I’d say she’s at about a first-grade reading level, very friendly, very conversational, and a little goofy. I’m driving the minivan and she’s in the back when she suddenly speaks to me.
“Hey, Mommy and Daddy can’t have babies on their own, right? That’s why they adopted me, right? They can’t make babies?” At this point, I’m wondering just what she’s getting at, but I answer, “Yup, they adopted you.” She pauses and frowns. “So…why are they still TRYING to make babies?” Awkward robot ensues.
26. Little Miss Muffin
When my little sister was about five or six, she was experimenting with the F-word. My dad and I were sitting in the kitchen one day and my dad had his back to my sister. He starts to tell me, “Hey buddy, your sister got in trouble at school for swearing, so try not to laugh if you—” and in the middle of his sentence, my eyes snap to my little sister, who just dropped a muffin on the floor.
She looks down at the muffin, puts her hands on her hips, and yells, “F—in’ Muffin!!!” My dad and I had tears from laughing so hard. Couldn’t have timed it better.
27. Fear Factor, Indeed
I babysat these three boys, and although they had many hilariously inappropriate moments, the worst was the middle child who became…fond of me. He was five. Every day, he would ask me to play “fear factor.” I asked him how we play. Turns out, he wanted me to lay down and scream while he pretended to be the bug and crawl all over me.
His persistence and the fact that he tried to rub his face in my chest every time we hugged told me it wasn’t an innocent game. I politely declined.
28. Hump Day
I was dating my now-wife when my now-stepson had his first communion. Super Catholic family, so everyone was over for lunch and cake after mass—grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends—the whole nine yards. In between cake and presents, my stepson asks me innocently, “Do you hump my mom?” Right as his mom was coming down the stairs. Nervous laughter ensued.
29. Red Dawn
I got my first period on my father’s birthday when I was 13. He wanted to go to a furniture store. I kept feeling “wet” down there and crampy, but thought I had to go #2. While at the store, I found the bathroom, wiped, and saw all this blood. I naturally assumed this was the end. I was perishing right there in the furniture store.
I screamed for my mother to come. I then told her how this was the end and I didn’t want to ruin dad’s birthday. Well of course, my mother starts laughing uncontrollably and explains to me that this is normal. I’ve become a woman and this will happen every month. I remember feeling betrayed by her laughing because I was so certain this was a life-threatening event.
30. Udderly Embarrassing
My mom and I were at the grocery store with my eight-year-old nephew. In the dairy section, there is a giant, anatomically correct cow with huge udders standing at the cheese display. As soon as my nephew saw the cow, he pointed and yelled at the top of his lungs to my mom, “Nana, look at all the ding-dongs the cow has!”
31. Mother’s Milk
I’m so mortified by this story. I was a really strange kid. I vividly remember this story myself and have had it confirmed by my mother. I was about three or so, puttering around the house and wearing a shirt and underwear. Then for no apparent reason, I gave myself a front-wedgie and was walking around with a couple stuffed animals held near my cooch.
When my mom, obviously horrified and confused, asked me what the heck I was doing, I replied, “I’m feeding my babies.” So…there’s that.
32. Time for a Cootie Shot
Most recently, I was looking at bras in a department store when I suddenly hear a chorus of little boys who start freaking out. “Oh my god, we’re surrounded by bikinis. They’re everywhere! Bikinis and underwear. There. And there. Oh God, and more.” They were so loud and so adamant that they were surrounded by terrible, unholy evils.
33. From the Mouths of Babes
When I was about seven, my aunt had been trying to have a baby. She was pregnant, but had a miscarriage, and she and my grandma called our house to talk to my mom about it and give her the news. My aunt was, obviously, upset, and I was close with her. After my mom was on the phone with her a while, she asked if I wanted to talk to Aunt Stacy.
My mom explained that I wasn’t going to have a cousin any more, and that Aunt Stacy was really upset about it, so to be nice to her. She hands me the phone and the conversation goes something like this: “Hey bud.” “Hey Aunt Stacy.” “I’m sorry you won’t have a cousin like we said…the baby didn’t make it.” I still remember the awful thing I said next.
In the most sincere empathy-laden voice I could muster at seven, I said, “Yeah….it was a dud.” My aunt goes into hysteric…….al laughter. Still, I thought she was upset, and I hand my mom back the phone and I think I’ve made her cry. My mom then brings me back and has me repeat what I said to grandma over the phone, and she also loses it.
Three grown women could not keep themselves together for 10 whole minutes because of that one-liner. I later learned I was not in trouble, and felt relieved.
34. There’s No Accounting for Taste
I worked in a day-care for school-age kids. In one classroom, we had a very obese boy named Theo who was about eight years old. He was not popular with the rest of the kids, so when I saw him and one of the more popular boys in the corner giggling, I knew something was up. I headed over, and saw Tristan grabbing Theo’s chest and squeezing.
Now, I can’t laugh at this, because that encourages the behavior, so I attempt to resolve the situation. “Tristan, what are you doing?” “I’m squeezing Theo’s boobies.” My face turns red, and I summon dark thoughts to not laugh. “Tristan, that is inappropriate behavior, and I don’t think that Theo appreciates…”
I’m interrupted by a shout: “BUT I LIKE IT WHEN HE SQUEEZES THEM!” I lost it. I laughed until I could barely breathe. I left the room, and my boss looked at me with the biggest grin I’ve ever seen.
35. This Kid Walks the Walk
I work as a paramedic, and one afternoon I got called for a four-year-old child who had fallen down some stairs. The little tyke was fine. He was awake, alert, and wasn’t even crying. On the way to the hospital, he and I are talking back and forth, and his mom tells him to tell me what his favorite movies are.
The first one is a Disney movie, something any four-year-old would love. The kid is trying to remember the second one, so his mom pipes in with, “It’s the one with Joker…….” So I think “Batman! Of course.” But then the mom continues with, “……….and Pyle…” That’s about when the alarm bells start going off.
Then it clicks. “Full Metal Jacket!” Was the kid’s excited response. I had a four-year-old patient whose favorite movie was Full Metal Jacket.
36. Monkey See, Monkey Do
My daughter had this really bad habit of cussing. My fault really, but that’s not the point. So anyhow, it got to the point where I stopped trying to get her to quit cussing and simply told her not to cuss outside of the house. For reference, this is about when she’s seven. But she was in a really bad mood one day and we’re at the store.
We’re checking out and she’s being particularly fussy about helping put the grocery bags into the cart, and all of a sudden she looks me in the eyes in front of several people and blurts “Like I give a [bleep] what you think.” I stared at her for a minute and burst out in one of the best bouts of laughter I’ve ever had.
Because at that instant, I remembered I had muttered that exact phrase to myself when I was playing video games earlier that day. I didn’t realize she was in the room or even overheard me. She apologized in the car over the total confusion of it all and we ended up playing video games afterwards instead of me grounding her.
37. I Got It From My Mama
Here’s a story where the child was doing something inappropriate—compounded tenfold by the actions of her parents. I was at a Chipotle eating when I noticed a bunch of chip crumbs were being thrown at my feet. I looked over to see a toddler smashing the heck out of her chips. I mean furiously breaking chips and flinging them in the air.
I’m already thinking, “Wow, someone needs to control these kids. Where are the parents?” Before I could even finish that thought, though, the mom screams out, with the hugest smile on her face: “YEAH! YEAH! SMASH THOSE CHIPS!”
38. Woodn’t You Know
When I was a younger, I was at a restaurant with my family. I went to the bathroom, and after a few minutes I started screaming for my mom. She ran into the bathroom, terrified that something bad had happened. In reality, I was sitting on the toilet with the stall door wide open and my pants around my ankles. But I’d just had my first erection.
I looked at my mom and yelled, “It’s as hard as a woodchip!!” My mother looked at me strangely and asked why that was. I said I was poking it and it started to grow! I actually didn’t even know this story until my dad told it to my girlfriend when she was meeting them for the first time—but my girlfriend’s reply was legendary.
She responded to my parents in a grave tone, saying, “Unfortunately the condition still exists. We aren’t quite sure why, but after extensive research, every time I “poke it” it still becomes hard as a woodchip.” They loved her after that.
39. McDonald’s Madness
I was at my girlfriend’s little brother’s birthday party at McDonald’s, and there were about 12 kids, all from the ages of about three to seven, running around. In the middle of this anarchy, a small kid got knocked over by an older one, so the mother of the older kid put him on time-out. The minute she put him in the corner, he started crying and screaming.
She left him there anyway and he started flailing all around. He literally was just in the booth freaking out. After about 10 seconds of this, he decides to get up and quietly rejoin the party. His mom notices and yells, “TIMOTHY, YOU GO BACK TO TIME-OUT RIGHT NOW!!” and turns him around. As they’re walking back, he’s just sulking.
Then they go past two adults eating at a table and minding their own business. The kid grabs both their trays of food and YANKS them off the table. Fries and a few burgers went flying. The looks on their faces were priceless—the guy had fries in his hand still. The mom ended up apologizing profusely and paying for their new meals.
40. “Sore” Loser
When I was younger, my dad took my little sister and me to the mall. We had a family “tradition” where all the kids would stand at the last curb of the parking lot, check to make sure it was safe, and then race to the mall entrance. Frequently, my dad took part in the racing because he was a really fun guy and a good dad.
On this day, the mall was slightly more busy than usual and it took a while for us to walk from our parking spot to the aforementioned starting position. Because children are incapable of patience, my sister and I had several small races en route. I won each one, and in one or two of them even my father came ahead of my little sister.
As we geared up for the big final race and looked both ways to cross the street with a throng of shoppers, my sister started to throw a temper tantrum. She was upset that she hadn’t won any of the races yet. Annoyed with her whining, I shouted GO! I took off, my father right beside my sister, encouraging her to run faster but letting her arrive before him.
Things were going great for a few seconds—then suddenly my sister shouted: “DON’T BEAT ME DADDY DON’T BEAT ME!” I arrived at the curb-side finish and turned to see my little sister screaming at the top of her lungs, tears flowing from her eyes, fleeing from my father, with dozens of families looking concerned. My dad had a lot of explaining to do.
41. Stirring the Pot
My friend’s parents had divorced, and eventually, his dad started seeing a really wonderful woman. The two of them are highly respected and are part of a fairly elite crowd. After being together for a while, his dad held a very classy party to announce his engagement to the lady. It’s supposed to be an amazing day.
The dad, with son and fiancée at his side, gathered everyone’s attention and announced the good news. After the cheering and applause, there was a brief moment of silence. Then my friend, who was about nine at the time, punks the entire crowd by yelling, “Tell them about the baby!” Sheer brilliant awkwardness. The crowd was a bit stunned, because what little kid would say that as a joke?
42. An Innocent Question
When I was six, my family watched Once Bitten, a Jim Carrey movie about vampires who had to periodically drink the blood of a virgin to maintain their youth. So I turn to mom and ask “What’s a virgin?” “Someone who hasn’t been married yet,” she replies in that vague way that parents do. She’d live to regret that moment.
Fast forward a few weeks and we are in the waiting room of the dentist’s office. My mom is chatting with an older lady about her daughter’s upcoming wedding while I am looking at an old magazine. I overhear what they’re talking about and just before my name is called, I ask the other lady, “So, is your daughter still a virgin?”
43. Pour Me Another
When my son was about six, we were at church for Holy Communion. I decided to teach him the symbolism of it all, and proceed to tell him the story of The Last Supper. I describe the bread being Jesus’s body in an “Explain this to me like I’m five” type of way, then tell him about the wine being Jesus’s blood in the same way. What could go wrong, you know?
After everyone gets their items, we listen to the pastor say his thing and everyone eats the unleavened bread. My son has a sour-puss look on his face, but says nothing. Then the best part: After the pastor says his thing about the wine and we all drink the grape juice, my six-year-old boy says in a loud voice, “Dang, Jesus’s blood tastes awesome!!”
The whole church took in a collective gasp, then most of us start cracking up. Still get people talking about it at church, and he’s 14 now.
44. Sour Grapes
When he was two years old, my son runs up to my wife and I as we’re sitting on the couch. He has apparently just discovered an object. “Look mom, I found a raisin in my butt!” He then proceeds to pop the “raisin” in his mouth. In what felt like absolute movie-fashion slow motion, both my wife and I tried desperately to communicate.
There’s verbal “Nooooooooooo” and arms raising up in an attempt to prevent the coming horror. We failed. His face went from the utter delight of finding edible treasure to surprise, then disgust, as he expelled the poop nugget from his mouth. My wife, with the slightest hint of concern, says, “Did that taste good?” My son just shakes his head “No” in confused sadness.
45. I’ve Got a Good One
This scenario actually involves me as an eight-year-old kid telling my mom a joke to make her laugh, since she was having bad back spasms while visiting family for Christmas and wanted to be cheered up. All of my dad’s side was gathered at my grandma’s house. It has now become a staple of every Christmas to relive this.
So my mom’s awful back spasms were getting her on the verge of crying. Seeing this, I offered to tell her a joke I heard at school. She agreed, and everyone went silent. So I say, “Your momma is like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.” I had no idea what this meant at that time, but I knew other people thought it was funny before.
First, everyone was shocked. I remember looking at my mom and she had such a bewildered look on her face. Second, I started getting scared because no one was laughing. But then, my mom busts out. Pretty soon, everyone old enough to understand the joke had tears streaming down their faces because they were laughing so hard.
46. The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse
My personal favorite and most shameful story from when I was a kid is also kind of creepy. I was probably four, nearing five years old. Both of my grandmothers had passed within a year and a half of each other from lung cancer because they were both big smokers and hadn’t known the risks when they started the bad habit.
So I took it upon myself to make sure other people knew it was bad…by walking up to people smoking outside stores and telling them they were going to die.
47. Showing His Affection
My boyfriend was turning 18, and I decided it would be a totally brilliant idea to have a pizza party at Pizza Hut for him. I invited a few people, and my mom and eight-year-old brother were there. We get through dinner. We stand up and go to pay the bill. Then my brother for some reason makes a loud announcement to the entire dining area.
“Hey, I’ll go down on you for your birthday!” Total. Crickets. For about five seconds anyway. My boyfriend was understandably horrified. He stammered for a second and then said, “N-no, that’s okay, dude…” very quietly, as my friends and I lost our minds. We had tears. But my brother then got really belligerent about it.
“I’m serious, I will! Why don’t you want it???” My mom quickly crammed some money into the cashier’s hand, yanked her change back out, and then grabbed him by the arm and dragged him outside. He then cried because his gift was rejected.
48. Say “Jeez!!”
OH MY GOD. When I was 10 or so, I started getting acne and was ashamed of my face, plus I had really crooked teeth and my family couldn’t afford braces. So when someone told me I had really beautiful eyes, I took that to mean that for every picture I took for the next five years, I needed to open my eyes as wide as they could possibly go and give a closed mouth smile. This…did not work out well for me.
49. It’s a Dog’s Life
When I was little, my aunt had a dog that was really well-trained. They used to play this game where she would lie on the floor face-down while covering the sides of her face with her hands, and the dog would try to nuzzle his nose in to free her face. I thought this was amazing and I wanted to do something similar myself.
A few months later, my family rescued a great big malamute dog who was about a year old. He had some behavioral issues that I was completely unaware of, but I used to try and recreate the game that my aunt played with her dog. I’d lie on the floor in a ball and wait for my new dog to display the same act of loyalty.
Every time, I’d hear him scramble across the floor at me, and then he’d jump on me. I thought, “This is awesome, he loves me!” So, naturally, I showed everyone this little “trick” I’d taught him. Turns out, of course, that this dog was humping me. But before I found this out, I showed a ton of people in my neighborhood.
I talked myself up as if I was this amazing dog trainer with a natural gift. Then I curled up in a ball and proceeded to get humped by my dog. Not a single neighbor told me it was wrong, and I can only assume that they stood there uncomfortably. By the time I finally showed my parents, they talked some sense into me and got me to stop doing the “trick.” I didn’t realize until years later that I was being humped.
50. That’s Bananas
When I was young, I had lots of time on my hands, so I found interesting and creative ways to eat things. I ate a lot of fruit, and I liked to eat bananas by scraping the whole banana past my teeth, layer by layer, because it would get all mushy. This involved inserting the whole banana into my mouth to start the teeth-scraping from the base.
Accommodating some of it into my throat wasn’t the thrill, but more a means to an end so I could eat the whole banana my special way. My mom chose to ignore it and hope I would stop. My dad was much, much less comfortable and started shouting at me whenever I did it. I was quite stubborn, so I would further insist on eating it with more enthusiasm.
Eventually, I wasn’t allowed to eat bananas in front of people, and then we didn’t buy bananas at all any more. No one ever explained why to me, and I honestly thought they just thought I was gross. But then some time in my 20s, I randomly thought of this when I ate a banana and just sat there like “…..oh.”
51. My Condolences on Your Vocabulary
When I was around seven years old, I heard the phrase “My condolences” in a movie. I asked my older brother what it meant and he, being an idiot, said “Congratulations.” Well, I thought it sounded really smart and I would try to impress adults, including teachers, friends’ parents, etc., with my newly-learned vocabulary.
Whenever an adult would tell me some news like, “We got a new dog” or, “We’re visiting family in Ohio over the holidays,” I would respond with, “My condolences.” I remember getting strange looks from the adults, but assumed it was because they were just really amazed by my awesome vocabulary, because why wouldn’t they be?
52. Look Into My Eyes
I made a ridiculous amount of eye contact when I was a kid for some reason. I had learned that it was polite to look people in the eye when they talked to you, and in my kid-brain I thought more = better. So I stared into people’s eyes like I was possessed. Combine that with a very quiet disposition and you get one creepy child…
53. New Girl, Old Tricks
Oh god. When I was eight, I was laying on my bed, sucking in my stomach and pushing everything toward the middle to make it look like I had a weird 6-pack. Suddenly, a loud sucking-in sensation and noise occurred, then with a push, out came a loud farting noise. I was a girl, and my new boy step-siblings all had cool bodily things they could do, so I was excited to show them I could “toot” on command.
They wouldn’t know that it wasn’t coming from my butt, I thought, and they didn’t. They gleefully watched and cheered me on as I did my “double-toot” over and over on the living room floor. My dad and step-mom then walked into the room and asked what we were all laughing about, so of course I had to show them.
I don’t remember the specifics of their reactions, except that after like the fifth “double toot” they asked me to stop. Actually, they kind of begged me to stop. I thought I had unlocked some sort of secret tooting ability, but the adults knew what was up. So yeah, I queefed in front of my dad and new stepmom. Multiple times.
54. Black Humor
A couple of years ago, my father-in-law got lung cancer. He was told, and we all believed, that it had been caught early enough and he was going to beat it. A couple of months later, though, it had spread throughout his body and into his brain. He was terminal. It was a really sad time, but these next moments ended up being two bright spots.
We were really up-front with our kids, who were six and four at the time, about what was happening with their grandfather. As we were leaving a visit with him one Sunday evening, the kids went into his bedroom to say goodbye. The four-year-old then said, “Good-bye Grandpa. I hope I don’t get brain cancer.” Oh, but there’s more.
At the funeral, my kids were talking with my nieces, who are just about the same age. One of them said, “I wish we could take Grandpa home with us.” Another one said, “We can’t. He’s going to start stinking in a little bit.” Those times can be tough to get through, but we all still think about these stories and laugh.
55. I Don’t Think That Word Means What You Think It Means
My young cousin once ran up to me, butt naked, and started screaming, “I’m a nymphomaniac, just like grandpa!” She meant hemophiliac…she isn’t a hemophiliac.