No matter how patient and kind we are day to day, we all have a breaking point. When someone really pushes our buttons, we’d like to think that we’d hold our head high and turn the other cheek, but there’s still nothing better than watching the person who tried to make our lives miserable get EXACTLY what’s coming to them. From horrible bosses to entitled customers to cheating exes, these absolute jerks got knocked down a peg and we loved every second of it.
1. Red Alert
I was waiting at a red light to cross the main street of my town. My light goes green, so I start driving, at the same time a truck to my right starts going. I hit my brakes to avoid hitting him, and this kid is looking at me like I’m the jerk. As soon as he’s clear, I finish crossing, and I see lights start flashing.
He ran the red while being directly in front of a cop.
2. Spinning Out of Control
I hit my girlfriend in the forehead with a spinning fidget spinner. She chased me, I jumped on my bed, and my ceiling fan smacked the living snot out of me. She was on the floor laughing for a solid five minutes. I am a firm believer in karma now…or maybe just idiocy on my part.
Saw a college guy with a ridiculously expensive car, I can’t remember the model, rear-end this woman who drove an absolute beater. Her car was definitely totaled and his wasn’t looking that hot either. He got out and started screaming at this woman. She was in tears. He kept telling her that she was going to pay for this.
When the cops came, I saw each of them give their statements. After that, me and like 10 people came forward and gave our witness statements. It sounded like each and every one of us put the complete fault on him, which was the truth. When the cops went back to him, I saw his face just sink. He probably told them it was her fault and just found out that two handfuls of people just confirmed that he was a liar.
I’ve never seen that many witnesses stick around for a simple traffic accident. I think the other people felt the same way I did: that kid was a jerk and should be punished for what he did.
4. The Bicycle Thief
Happened while visiting NY. I watched someone bend down to pick up a wallet someone ahead of them had just dropped. All of this was going down in the crosswalk, and I was in the passenger seat with my dad driving. Guy A who picked up the wallet began to run it to Guy B, who was already across the street and while doing so, his wallet fell out of his pocket and on the sidewalk/crosswalk area.
Some crummy dude in the bike lane rode up a little way ahead, bent down, and picked it up and just started heading off. Just grabbed it and began to ride away like a bunch of cars hadn’t just watched him. My dad was about to say something when a cop car adjacent to us swerved in front of the cycler and made him give it back. Cycler bumped into the cop car and was trying to go around when he was tackled. I think they might’ve brought him in but the light changed so we couldn’t stick around.
Coolest instant karma I’ve ever seen.
5. Better Hit the Gas
We were driving home late from work one night, (both bartenders, maybe midnight). We live in a small community, and we were at the 1/4 mile section that goes from 55, to 45, to 35, to 25. A giant lifted truck decided that he wanted to continue going 55, he was UP OUR BUTT, lights on, so close you couldn’t even see his bumper. It was like his lights were in our car. It was terrifying—but then it happened.
Pretty much two seconds after one of us said, “Where’s a cop when you need one?”, a deputy passed us going the opposite direction and immediately flipped a switch and pulled him over. Still gives me the warm fuzzies. Screw that guy.
6. The Higher They Fall
Drunk guy at the bar started yelling at the bartender for cutting him off. Called her names multiple times and then tried to scoot his bar stool back. Instead, it caught on the carpet and he fell backward like a tree falling. It made a very audible thud and of course, everyone stops what they’re doing to look. He laid there for a minute, got up and stumbled to the door as everyone continued to stare at him.
Definitely never saw that guy there again. Hard to come back from that.
7. Hitting the Bricks
A guy kicked a dog and ran full speed into a brick wall as the dog chased him.
8. The Gates of Wrath
I was making fun of my sister-in-law for not being able to open the baby gate, I opened it still making fun of her, went to walk through it and my hip caught it, forcing it closed with me in it. I have a MASSIVE very painful bruise on my hip now.
9. Remember Me?
I work in the parking lot as a cart pusher. One lady pushed the cart to the side and got in her car to back up, but the cart (since it was not in a corral) rolled back behind her car and she backed into it pretty hard. Me and my coworkers laughed our butts off.
10. You Have Right to Remain Silent. Use It.
Saw a guy yelling at another guy in traffic, the guy that was yelling continued to speed off and got pulled over by an undercover cop car on the side of the road.
11. The Customer Isn’t Always Right
Watched an entitled angry man abuse and belittle his server to the point of tears. Then he hitched up his belt and looked pleased with himself as he swaggered off the restaurant deck, tripped on the stairs, and face planted in the sand on the beach (This was a vacation in Florida). My wife looked mortified as I laughed right out loud at the guy.
He got up, saw everyone staring and at least one person openly laughing, and quickstepped off down the beach.
12. Park Your Bad Manners Somewhere Else
I work at a movie theater. One afternoon, I was selling tickets at the box office when an older lady came up and asked me a question about our app (it’s a Cinemark app). I, however, wasn’t sure about the answer and told her that. She proceeded to say, very rudely, “Isn’t is your job to know??? Are you stupid or something?” I was absolutely furious…but all I had to do was wait.
As soon as she was done, she turned around and noticed the mall cop was writing her a ticket for parking in a handicap spot when she did not have a handicap plate or placard. She took off running screaming, “Wait stop! That’s my car!” I couldn’t keep the huge grin off my face for the rest of the day.
13. Move One and Meltdown
One day a few years ago, I was grabbing McDonald’s near work to eat something last second before my shift. It was one of those two-lane microphone deals. I blatantly finish ordering before the other lane before he stomps on the gas to cut me off. His car breaks down right there, and I get to take my rightful turn in line.
14. Just Desserts
Was buying some drinks at a circle K one day while visiting someone in Florida and these old tourists cut us in line, all the while complaining loudly about everything: how expensive everything is, how crowded the beach is, it’s too hot, etc. They are also really rude to the cashier and take forever arguing about the price of the hot dogs they were buying or something.
They leave and as we walk out, we witness a scene so perfect, it could have been in a movie. A seagull comes and snatches the guy’s hot dog right out of his hand. His wife then shrieks and proceeds to drop hers out of surprise. I know it isn’t that big of a deal, but it was so freaking hilarious watching that happening that I still remember it five years later.
15. The Sweet Taste of Your Own Laziness
The washers and dryers in my apartment building are run through Bluetooth and an app you download on your phone. I figured out that if I put my phone on airplane mode while simultaneously pressing the start button on the machine, the washer would start but I wouldn’t get charged. I was so proud, tried the same thing on the dryer and it worked.
Went to get my clothes out of the dryer an hour later and everything was covered in melted Hershey kisses.
I was waiting in the queue at Burger King. While I was looking at the menu board, a bunch of high school kids of some team sport cut my queue. It was like 15 of them and like they grouped up and slowly went in front of me when I wasn’t looking. I gave an annoyed look but just waited in line. A cashier opens his counter and called for me and I got right in front of all of them even before the lady in charge of that sports team who was waiting on the other counter.
17. It’s “Haw-Haw!”
Worked after school care for school-age kids. There was this one kid who was pretty obnoxious and got under everyone’s skin. One day, I see him walk into the room just needling another kid. He ends his provoking with a Nelson from The Simpsons “ha ha!”, spins around, and face plants on the ground. The kid he was provoking gave him a “ha ha!” back and walked off.
Obnoxious kid gets up, dusts himself off, and humbly slinks away and is pretty quiet for the rest of the day.
18. That Hits the Spot
I was at an All Good festival once and there was one of those dudes who was just pure id. You know, shouting insults, screaming, throwing stuff at people, just an animal. He was slightly uphill from a main intersection, only maybe thirty feet from the crowd. I was standing around waiting for a friend. The dude’s campsite was total BS, with some poorly planned tarp-city thing held up by a nylon rope that was strung over a pickup truck and secured by slamming a car door shut on it.
Suddenly, the guy throws his beer at the crowd, crawls up on top of the car, and starts tight-roping it between the car and the truck. I was very impressed that he made it at least two steps before the rope slipped a few inches in the car door, the guy spread his legs, and he dropped three feet straight onto the suspended rope.
I have never in my life seen a guy wrack his crotch so hard. It was so bad it almost made me feel sick. In a fetal position, he spun around the rope in slow motion until he was upside down. Then the rope scraped across the roof of the truck, fell between the cab and the bed, partially collapsed the tarp city, and dropped the jerk a couple more feet onto his head in the mud.
The jerk got up, shut up, looked a little embarrassed, and limped away as his infuriated friends boiled out of their wrecked home.
19. Say Neigh to the Close-Up
When I was a kid I went horse riding at a holiday center. These parents insisted their kid go on the biggest horse as apparently the family had “owned horses for years and their kid was the best rider.” Dad of the family walks right behind a horse with a brand new video camera in a camera bag. Horse kicks the camera, breaking it beyond repair.
20. Revenge is Dish Best Served After the Expiration Date
Was in the lunch line in elementary school, and the lunch staff kept all of the milk in a big cooler that you would grab from right before punching in your lunch number. Girl ahead of me was my friend, but we had been arguing that day. I knew she didn’t like chocolate milk, but I did. She grabbed the last one out of the cooler to spite me.
While opening the cardboard container and taking a long sip, she discovered it was spoiled and spit it out. Instant justice.
21. Gotta Be First
Was on a road trip last week. Guy in the left lane was slowly passing a truck so there were about five of us stacked up patiently waiting for the logjam to clear. Jerk in a Mercedes breaks ranks into the right lane, speeds ahead, and tries to cut in to save himself three car lengths of trouble. All cars band together to not let him in.
He almost ran the car behind me off the road and nearly sideswiped him before taking his rightful place in the back. Well, he was mad after that and was tailgating and in general driving like a jerk. He eventually sped off well over 100 mph. Saw him about 20 minutes later pulled over by a state trooper. Laughed my butt off as I passed him.
22. Ball Gag Blues
A girl in school used to tease everyone and just be generally annoying. She was tossing this stress ball around and aimed it at this one kid’s head. Someone yelled “look out” at him and so he looked up, saw the ball coming at him, and put up his hands in self-defense. It bounced off his arms and back at the girl and hit her right in the mouth.
It was a soft squishy stress ball, so it didn’t hurt her, but we all openly laughed at her and her surprised expression so she sat down quietly from embarrassment. She still kept being annoying, but she stopped throwing things at people’s heads.
23. When It Rains, It Pours
At a big sports tournament after a game and it’s raining a bit. An aggressive driver can’t be bothered with people rushing to their cars and almost runs over a kid, yells at people in his way and decides to weave around traffic to get out of the place quicker. There is a sawhorse blocking the exit he is not supposed to go out. The rain is getting heavier.
Everyone is watching this impatient person as he gets out his car to move the sawhorse and bypass the traffic line and pedestrian traffic due to self-entitlement. When he gets out to move the sawhorse/barrier he closes his car door and locks himself out of the car with the car running. Downpour ensues. Instant Karma.
24. No Holds Barred
Stated dating a girl a few months back and her ex was being just a huge jerk to her, threatening to fight me if he saw me, trying to start rumors, etc…Went out for drinks with the girlfriend and, of course, he shows up. Starts to get in my face at the bar and gets kicked out. Rushes the door guy to get back in and is carried out and banned from that bar for life.
Then I had another genius thought…what if I could do this at the bar next door..? (It’s a smallish town. There are really only two bars worth going to for nightlife, and they’re right next door to each other). So, we go next door. He’s waiting outside for me but there’s the usual “don’t do it bro!” friends around him so I make it next door without having to fight. Of course, he comes in, starts his act and actually tries to fight me this time.
He gets pulled off by a few people and is also kicked out of that bar for at least a while. Fight with your brain, not your fists.
25. Clocked on the Dock
I was waiting to put in at a boat ramp in Florida one day. It was a single ramp, the guy trying to take his boat out of the water was having a tough time backing his trailer down. His wife (I assume) and two kids were waiting on the dock. Some jerk waiting to get out of the water starts screaming at him and heckling him. The first guy finally gets his trailer down the ramp, meanwhile, raging jerk had docked his boat and started up the dock towards the poor boating newbie family guy screaming and yelling.
Then the raging jerk finally just loses it. He punches family guy and knocks him off the dock into the water. Two burly dudes who nobody was really paying attention to walk up, literally grab raging jerk as family guy was falling in the water, throw him on the dock and handcuff him, then flashed their FL DNR badges. They were undercover watching the boat ramp. There was applause and cheering from the folks waiting to put in and take out.
Family guy just wants to get out there and go home, so he declines to press charges. The DNR guys apparently thought “aw heck no,” proceed to tear the guy’s boat and car apart and ended charging him with a BUI and every single nitpicky thing they could find wrong his boat. It was a good day.
26. Tree of Laughs
When I was a broke college student the high schoolers down the street sideswiped my car so bad my front door wouldn’t open all the way and the mirror was gone. Confronted them but couldn’t prove it. Couldn’t afford to fix it. The next week, they come screeching out of the neighborhood while I’m studying next to the second-floor window.
They crash headlong into a tree and total their car. I had a comfortable view as all four of them got out and the driver was sobbing his sorry butt shirtless on the pavement till his mom came and cussed him out loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear.
27. Grand Theft Cheddar
A girl at a pizza place took money out of the tip jar to pay for her extra toppings. She did this after screaming at the poor person working that she couldn’t believe it was an extra 50 cents for more cheese. On my way home, I saw her getting busted by the cops, not sure for what, but I’m sure she had it coming.
28. Spew Your Heart Out
Guy spewed vomit all over the floor in the bathroom at a bar. As I left the bathroom, a big muscly guy in overalls (no undershirt) was coming in. I tried to get his attention and stop him, but he just shouldered me out of the way. He slipped on said vomit and swore as he fell. As he put his hand down to lift himself up, he yelled a much louder as he realized the vomitus was all over himself.
29. Better You Than Me
My cousin parked her car on the street near my house. My neighbor came out and yelled about how that was her spot. My cousin simply moved her car rather than argue. A few hours later, one of the children who live on our street ran into my neighbor’s car in that exact spot.
30. He Can Really Pick Them
I ran my husband’s drunk girlfriend out of my house. She goes to the nearest gas station where they call the cops and she gets her second DUI.
31. I Let It Slip
Was a lifeguard and a kid (9-10 years old) kept running around on the pool deck. He clearly heard me several times yelling at him to walk, and he ignored me. Next time he ran, he slipped and fell flat on his butt and started crying. The only thing I said was “That’s why I told you to walk” and his mom definitely gave me the evil eye.
I didn’t give a darn though, that’s what you get for not following the rules!
32. Jelly-Filled Retribution
Spent my last few dollars on a donut instead of using it to tip the person who filled my gas. Dropped my donut as I pulled out the gas station.
33. Mama Bear
At a concert my mom accidentally stepped on a lady’s foot, and she said sorry multiple times, but the lady very drunk wouldn’t let it go and started a fight with my mom. Very bad idea, my mom’s ex-MMA. Straight knockout. My mom met that lady again a year ago at an event for her work, and apparently, the lady stopped drinking from what happened that night, being told by her friends she wouldn’t leave my mom alone even after countless times of apologizing.
Maybe it was good karma?
34. Brew This Bitterness
Last week, my youngest daughter had her last day of preschool. Between my two girls, we’ve been associated with this school for almost ten years. My wife and I wanted to do something nice for them so we offered to buy them Starbucks. As I’m about to enter the Starbucks’ parking lot, a guy runs a stop sign, narrowly missing me. He pulls in, I pull in next to him.
I hurriedly scramble out of my car to beat him to the line. It was fun listening to them call my name for all 15 drinks before that guy got his.
35. Cycle of Getting Yours
I remember once walking home from school, and this kid from my school rode up to me on his bike and started being a total jerk me, trying to run me over and stuff like that. Next thing, not looking where he was going the kid runs over a rock, falls off his bike and smashes himself on the concrete. He was laying there crying and asking for help and I just kept walking. I regret nothing.
36. Karma Comes From the Corner Office
My boss got Instant Karma for mocking me! I had a day off work and as I was making breakfast I accidentally sliced my fingertip with a bread knife. I wrapped it up and went to Urgent Care. It didn’t need stitches, but the doctor put a couple steri-strips on it and said not to use it for a day or two and stay off a keyboard.
I went into work the next morning, told my boss that I had to stay off a keyboard for a couple days, so I had to do some other kind of customer service that didn’t involve typing. She said no problem. As I walked out of the room I remembered I had to tell her something else and as I was walking back in, I couldn’t believe what I heard her saying. She was straight up mocking my injury.
Just as she finished, she accidentally slammed the door of the one-ton safe on her hand. I laughed and said Karma’s a thing. She said yeah, I kind of deserved that. She didn’t break it but she couldn’t use it so she had to call another supervisor to come in for the day so she could get it checked out. When the gauze came off my finger a couple days later and saw the strips holding it together she admitted that it did look kinda bad and she shouldn’t have made fun.
I accepted and brushed the incident off.
37. On Thin Ice
We were driving on a very icy 35mph-limit road, in a 4wd car, after one of the first big snowstorms of the winter. We’re doing ~25mph, which is about as fast as we feel we can push it, given the ice sheet over everything since the snow melted to slush and re-froze overnight. We’ve been driving in snow/ice our whole lives, we know what’ll work and what is risky, and conditions are BAD.
All other traffic is basically moving at our speed or even slower. A shiny new lifted red dodge pickup pulls up behind us, tailgating, revving his engine, etc. Basically, everything is screaming, “Big man in his big truck doesn’t need to be held up by some crummy car that can’t handle the snow!” We hit a straight section and give him an easy chance to pass us.
He takes it, and quickly accelerates to~40 (which would be the typical speed for the road in the summer). About 400 feet beyond us, the road takes a moderate curve left. He tries to turn, but it’s a solid sheet of ice—the truck just goes straight into a parked car and guardrail, right in front of a dozen or so witnesses.
We coast past at ~25, making the turn without issue. His front end was pretty smashed up—maybe not totaled, but I’d be amazed if he could drive it to the shop.
38. Ladies Worst
Saw some lady road raging hard at slow traffic going over a dangerous mountain pass. She was trying to run people off the road trying to get around them. I’ve never seen anything like it, she could’ve killed someone. Saw her getting forcefully tackled by like six cops at the bottom of the mountain on the other side.
Face-pinned to hood and screaming.
39. Talk Smack, Get Whacked
My wife was jogging, and a man starts driving slow and catcalling her. Doesn’t realize it’s a red light and rear-ends a truck, totally destroying his Prius. Cop was stopped at the same red light and saw the whole situation. Cop laughed and asked my wife to fill out a witness statement. It was a busy street, so when I say “driving slow,” I mean he slowed down while passing her, probably hit the lady in the truck doing about 35 in a 50.
40. Degree for Sale
Administration and faculty at a university refused a substantial offer of endowment money from a couple who wanted their son enrolled as an art major. Their son couldn’t meet the minimum scholastic entrance requirements and he had little aptitude for art. Still, with their millions, he thought money would buy his way to an “easy degree” as an art major.
Well, he had another thing coming. He was dumbfounded when he received a notice of non-admittance.
41. They Pull Me Back In
Local business owner puts son through college and more. When kid graduates with multiple degrees, dad decides to retire and turn over business to son. Son brings college cronies on board, has management all wear white cowboy hats and drive white pickups, begins revamping the business. Dad comes out of retirement pronto, gets rid of son and cronies.
Years later, he bankrolls son’s run for state rep. The son lost. Dad dies, and who does the business go to? His daughter. Fool me once, etc.
42. Crunchy Eggs
I had a roommate in my freshman year of college that came from an incredibly rich oil family from the Middle East. I remember him having the hardest time adjusting to not having someone else prepare him food. I remember waking up one morning and going to the kitchen and seeing him try to eat eggs and toast he had just prepared himself.
He asked me how I normally prepare fried eggs because his tasted really crunchy. Turns out he had just cracked the egg whole into the pan and prepared it shell and all. I couldn’t stop laughing but felt really bad for the dude.
43. Bad Apple
A kid from my high school came from a well-known family that was very involved in politics. He slacked off in school and was mostly a condescending jerk for years. After graduation, he didn’t really do anything but eventually decided to run for office as he had the same name as his father. He won easily because people didn’t realize it was the kid.
As a state rep, he posted on Facebook about “Enjoying his women battered rather than plain,” and asking to join the black caucus because he liked hip hop. That’s not even the worst part. He also dropped a loaded piece on the floor in the middle of a session after fighting for the right to carry in the statehouse as a “responsible firearm owner.”
Somehow, he kept getting elected despite these issues, because his family was well-connected, and he had a dedicated following from some political groups. After six years in office, he gets busted for soliciting from a minor over the internet. When they bust him for that, they also discover he’s been selling illegal substances.
The worst part is that his family is actually super nice and genuinely made the community a better place, but now they have to deal with all the issues from him. He was an apple that fell very far from the tree.
44. The Bieber Blow-Up
I saw Justin Bieber throw a fit and end up not getting what he wanted. We have quarterly teambuilding exercises at my company where you basically go and play mini-golf, or some other activity capped at $25/person. Sometime between 2009 and 2011, I really can’t remember exactly, my group just decided to go for a fancy lunch in downtown Portland.
After lunch, we took one of our coworkers to the semi-famous Nike store which was a couple of blocks away. That was the day Justin Bieber happened to show up. When he and his entourage arrived he said something somewhat loudly along the lines of “Y’all are going to have to leave for a bit ’cause I’m here to do some shopping.”
Then, some of his people acted like they were going to try and politely force the already-present customers out of the store so Bieber could shop alone but the Nike employees even more politely told him that was not possible. At that point, Bieber lost it. I mean he threw a total tantrum because they wouldn’t shut down the store for him.
The tantrum didn’t work and he and his folks left in a huff.
45. Cut Off
I grew up with rich kids and still keep in touch with a few of them. One guy’s father owned the most prestigious law firm in town. He said his life changed the moment he called his father from jail. His father said, “Well, sorry to hear you got busted, good luck,” then hung up. He said getting locked back into his cell was the singular moment that completely turned his life around.
46. Off to Boarding School
There’s this kid that lives in a house across the street from mine. It’s a pretty large place: the house is made of concrete, high ceilings, pool in the back, etc. Over the years, my brother and I have hung out with him a handful of times, but it’s not so fun to hang out with a kid that’s barely 11 when you’re 14. His mom is fairly wealthy, upper-middle-class. She’s an engineer and makes quite a bit of money.
So, he benefited from this by being able to spend the majority of his free time staying inside playing video games when he wasn’t at school. He didn’t want to pursue a career, he just wanted lounge around all day. Long story short, he crashed the car that his mom gave him. His mom refused to buy him another one, and instead, used that situation to try and motivate him to get off his butt and work.
She sent him off to vocational school since he doesn’t want to go to college. We’ll see how that goes.
47. Flexing in Philly
A guy from my robotics group had his entire life handed to him. His dad was stupid rich because he bought shares is an oil field that turned out to have 40 times the expected yield, making his $100,000 investment become around $3 million. He then dumped that into real estate rentals. His son decided it would be fun to go to a school trip in Philly acting rich as heck.
He drove this lifted, modded SUV to a school we were doing a robotics event at in north Philly. Five kids from our school drove themselves down, and guess which car was stolen? His $90,000 monstrosity was missing, and after two months, all that was ever recovered was his stereo and his laptop from a pawn shop. The best part? He didn’t have insurance on it yet because he “can just buy the other person’s car if there’s an accident.”
His dad flipped out over it and cut his allowance to $200 a month. He also forced him to drive a beater till he saved up his own money.
48. Do You Know What my Dad Does?
A rich guy in our college dorm thought he was untouchable cause his dad was some NFL player from the 90s and had not blown all his money yet. He would get freshman girls blackout drunk and then film himself with him before showing all his buddies the next day. Well, one buddy was not as close as he thought. He went to the RA, who then went to campus police and then real police.
It was a fun night watching the parking lot fill up with the cops on duty that night and watch them haul his butt out of the dorms while they went and gathered evidence.
49. Greasing the Wheels
Back when I was in college, there was an exchange student who never did any work and basically slacked off the entire course. At the end of the semester, his rich dad flew in from China to basically pay off the teacher into giving them an A. Straight up trying to financially bribe them to give their inept kid good grades.
The kid was booted from the course and put on an academic warning, but the next semester he dropped out and moved back to China. Guess he figured he didn’t need a degree if he already has money.
50. Showing Off Your Stolen Goods is Never a Smart Look
My mum was a personal injury lawyer, and she was basically trying to prove that the car that hit her client and caused life-changing injuries (brain damage) belonged to X. X at first pretends not to live where he does, then the car is found abandoned and all wiped down. The trail seems to end. Then, my mum has a hunch and checks X’s Facebook profile.
He had a public profile, and his profile picture was him standing right next to the car in question. She screenshots the photo and sends it to the opposing counsel with a slightly more politely worded “Your client is a total idiot.” She’s retired now but she considers it to be one of the most satisfying moments of her career.
Needless to say, she won the case and her client got a million-pound settlement and is now living in Spain. All for the want of a simple privacy setting and a touch of common sense.
51. Social Media Strikes Again
My friend was suing a private security company for assault. He explained that one of the security guards also threatened him with a piece. The security company’s lawyer responds that my friend must be lying, as the guards do not carry firearms because they are not allowed. My friend finds the Facebook profile of one of the security guards who threatened him.
His profile picture is him mean-mugging with a glock in his hand. My friend emails this to opposing counsel with a note that says “FYI.” The security company agrees to pay an out of court settlement to my friend.
52. A Dramatic Reveal
I practice immigration law. I had a woman come in and explain that she was from Canada, had been living and working in the US without permission for decades. Boyfriend beat her up to the point where she was hospitalized. She pressed charges and the boyfriend basically let her know via friends that his lawyer was going to call her credibility into question since she was an illegal immigrant.
It turns out her mom was born in the US and met the dad in college, which meant that she could gain dual citizenship via mom. We got her citizenship certificate expedited and I made her promise not to tell anyone. Sure enough, at trial, the defense attorney asks, “Isn’t it true that you are a Canadian citizen who has been working illegally in the US for decades?” To which she replies, “No. In fact, here’s my certificate of citizenship. I’m a dual Canadian and US citizen.”
She said the lawyer looked like a puppet when someone cut the strings. Boyfriend became a guest of the State for a long time.
53. Gifting a Victory to the Other Side
For a while, my mother dated a man who really liked to act like a big shot. He was a guy that claimed to know a guy wherever you went. Any time you wanted something he would say “Oh wait, let’s go to the store I’ll talk to the owner and get you a deal.” Nearly every time he did, the owner seemed like he wasn’t entirely sure who this guy was.
He would do stuff like insist on taking the entire family on a vacation, or take everyone out to a fancy restaurant. Or he would show up with expensive gifts out of the blue, like new electronics or guitars. Eventually the relationship ends, but not long after we find out he’s taking us to court because we owe him money.
Court date comes, he presents his case first. He goes through a huge itemized list of everything he ever bought us. Every single item, from a vending machine Coke to a new sink because he broke the old one. Even a birthday cake bought for the youngest child. Once he’s done, the judge asks if there was an agreement to be paid back for any of that. He says it was just an understanding.
The judge asks specifically if he ever said he wanted to be paid back. He says no, that usually when someone buys you something you pay them back. The judge then explained that no, in fact, that’s not usually how gifts work and that by his own admission there was never an expectation to pay for anything. So after his own testimony, the case was closed.
He then appealed. Again he presented his testimony first. Again, closed by his own words.
54. Facts Don’t Lie
It was a fraud trial. The prosecutor gets right to the point. This was pretty much the third question in to the defendant: “So you earn £45,000 a year, have no properties, no other source of income, no inheritance and as far as I’m aware have not won the lottery yet you have foreign bank accounts with £x million and a Ferrari. It must simply be a coincidence that the defrauded entity has an accounting black hole pretty much equal to those riches.”
The defendant pretty much gave up at that point.
55. Pushing Up a Case
As a young attorney, I had stated a claim that an insurance company was dragging out a case in bad faith, in hopes that my elderly client would die before they had to pay him. I was requesting that the trial date be given priority due to my client’s advanced age. The judge was no spring chicken himself and seemed skeptical when he asked exactly how old my client was, maybe thinking that he was in his 70s and must merely seem ancient to a baby lawyer like me.
When I responded that my client was 92 years old, and that the case had already gone on for five years, the judge was visibly shocked. He immediately granted my motion for priority, completely shutting down the insurance company’s attorney’s attempt to respond. They wrote us a check for a million dollars the next week.
56. Not a Good Place to Lie About Your Priors
My sister got T-boned by a car, causing a concussion, when I was younger. Long story short, we were in court with the judge, who asked the driver if he had ever sped before. “No, your honor, I never speed” was his reply. The judge asked him a couple more times if he was sure, if he never sped. Ever? The driver was adamant that he never sped and never had before.
A few minutes later, my sister’s lawyer gave the judge some paperwork. She read it, and said to the driver, “It seems that you have some past driving violations. Can you tell me what they are for?” He looked down, “………… speeding.” The driver had to pay medical bills for my sister.
57. A Really Dumb Plaintiff
I represented a company that was sued for breach of contract by a former independent contractor. Dude basically alleged that my client wasn’t paying him correctly in accordance with the contract. During his deposition, the plaintiff admits that he never reviewed any documents to make sure his allegations were true, never reviewed his complaint before filing it to make sure the allegations in it were true, and had no idea whether or not my client actually failed to pay him in accordance with the contract.
Basically, he tells me that he was suing my client because he didn’t think their agreement was fair, even though he agreed to the terms when he signed the contract. The kicker is that he admitted that he owed my client money. At arbitration, he tries to flip his story and starts giving testimony that is the exact opposite of his deposition, so I whip out his transcript and undermine his testimony bit by bit. Needless to say, I won that case.
58. When Your Client Lets You Down
I was on the losing end of this one. I was representing a pro bono defendant who was attempting to regain custody of her children. The Family Division attorney was laying out his case to the judge for why my client wasn’t ready, and his final point was that my client had refused emotional counseling to avoid violent fits of rage that she had inflicted on her children.
On cue, my client jumps up screaming a stream of really vile slurs at the judge. I just caught the opposing attorney’s smirk of satisfaction as I got up to usher my client out of the courtroom.
59. Tell Your Lawyer Everything
I was on the losing end of this one. I represented a guy who had bought a company and the company failed spectacularly within months due to a number of reasons I could attribute to the seller. They had clearly lied about the company’s finances to induce him to buy. I was suing to rescind the deal, have your terrible company back and give my guy his money back.
I laid out my huge case and thought I had it in the bag, and then opposing counsel asked my guy, “Isn’t it true that you listed this business for sale a month ago?” “Yes.” “And you did sell it correct? You signed a purchase and sale?” “Yes but he never finished paying me, he has more payments to make. I’ll just give his money back when you guys give me my money back.”
My idiot client had me suing over a company that he had legally sold. The idiot never told me. Game over on the spot.
60. Not Wise to Keep Committing the Same Infraction That Got You in Trouble
I represented a man in a slip and fall case in a national chain that grills chicken. The restaurant is not supposed to clean the grills until after they close because it is a huge sloppy mess that involves using a garden hose after applying chemicals to remove all of the grease. The closedown process can take up to two to three hours that involve packing up the food for the next day, scrubbing the grills, mopping, etc.
Even though the corporation knew this, they refused to pay more than one hour worth of wages after closing time. Thus, the shift managers and cooks decided that they would start the closing process two hours before closing while there were still customers in the restaurant. This is really dangerous as employees delivering food can track the greasy water into the lobby where the customers were.
On one fateful day, two hours before closing, one of the cooks was cleaning the grills and using the hose to wash them down. This slurry is so slick that the cook has to wear a plastic smock and slip-resistant shoes for the process. While he was waiting for the chemicals to remove the grease, which takes about 15 minutes, the cook goes into the lobby, tracking this stuff into a hallway, to wipe down some tables.
My client walks out of the restroom and slips in the greasy water. He hits his head so hard that it causes a subdural hematoma, which requires surgery to relieve the swelling and blood from the brain. Go figure, the video system wasn’t working that day. In any case, right after that, the cook was fired and the corporation claimed that they could not locate him during litigation.
I did some research and found a relative of the cook, which eventually led to me finding him. He admitted that he was cleaning the grill, but denied that he was the one that tracked the greasy water into the lobby, as did all of the other employees. The corporation during the entire three-week trial testified that cleaning before closing was against their policy and it NEVER happens. Thus, it had to be anything else that caused my client to fall.
I was talking to the cook before trial because we were going to call him as a witness. He was angry that they fired him. I asked, “Do you think they are still cleaning before closing because they are denying that they do?” He told me, “Absolutely.” On the first day of trial, I sent my investigator to the restaurant at the time my client was injured, which was two hours before closing, to record video on his cell phone whether they were cleaning or not.
Well, guess what, they had the hose out and everything. I absolutely could not believe that they would continue to do this at the restaurant at issue in the case. I told my investigator to go back up there when there was a different shift manager and cook to see if they were doing the same thing. Unsurprisingly, they were.
At the end of the trial, the defense put on their general manager for the region. He swore up and down that this never happens. He was their last witness. We get up and say, “Judge we need a sidebar.” In the judge’s chambers, we revealed the videos to the other side. The attorney for the corporation was freaking out. The judge let it in for rebuttal.
The last thing the jury saw before going into deliberations was five minutes of video with audio of the hose as they were cleaning the grills two hours before closing. We completely wiped out their entire defense in a three-week trial with that video. Needless to say, we prevailed. I should add, using sub rosa video against a defendant like this is very rare. They usually stop doing what they are not supposed to be doing during the trial. I guess the restaurant didn’t get the memo.
61. Seeing is Believing
I’m an attorney in Southern California. My client was charged with being under the influence of a controlled substance. Officer is going through the usual signs and symptoms. Cop testifies that both of client’s eyes were red and bloodshot. Testifies that both pupils were dilated and moved slightly to exposure of light. In my opening, I had hinted that the officer will testify to some falsehoods.
The client gets up on the stand and pops one of his eyes out. My client had a fake eye that could obviously not be bloodshot or have pupil dilation. He was found not guilty.
62. A Tough Look For My Guy
I’m not a lawyer, but I was in traffic court one time and saw a lawyer straight-up murder a cop with words. The cop had previously testified that the weather on the night of the traffic stop was heavy rain and winds so strong that the defendant could only open his window three inches, and that the car had stopped on an area with very little shoulder, forcing the cop to approach from the passenger side, not the driver side. The cop had then testified that he smelled a strong smell of alcohol on the defendant’s breath.
When the defense lawyer got up, he repeated what the cop had said almost verbatim and asked how he could have possibly smelled alcohol on the breath of someone on the other side of the car, through a three inch crack in the window, on a night with pouring rain and strong winds. The cop sort of opened and shut his mouth a few times, squirmed around in his seat, and said, “That’s just what I always write in my log, to remind me that it was a DUI stop.”
The judge threw the case out. No motion to dismiss needed. Then he took a break and called the traffic prosecutor and the cop into his office. I’m guessing it wasn’t for a nice spot of tea and some scones.
63. Remember, Remember the Fifth of May
It was a lawsuit against the owner of a Mexican restaurant for not paying his employees and keeping the waiters’ tips. He was just a terrible all-around guy. He created these fake handwritten schedules and payroll records going back years to try and prove that his employees didn’t work but a few hours each week and were paid for what they did work. It was difficult to prove they were fakes, but we managed to trap him during his deposition.
I made the guy go through random bits of his work schedule and asked him to confirm they were correct. We did a random week in February, March, April…then we got to May. “So here in early May, you had two servers working every night, one hostess, one bartender, and two cooks?” “Yes.” “And that didn’t fluctuate. You didn’t have a need for extra staff on, say, weekend nights?”
“No. It was very steady no matter the day.” “What about on this Wednesday? How much staff did you need?” “Just the two servers, my hostess, the bartender, and two cooks. The same as every other night.” “And if you would indulge me, what date are we looking at?” “May 5th.” “Okay. So it’s your testimony under oath that you had the same staffing needs on May the 5th as you did on May 4th and May 6th.” “Yeah.”
Opposing counsel’s head begins to hang while shaking. “So you are comfortable telling the judge you didn’t do extra business on May 5th.” “Yeah. Or June 17th or whatever date you pick. It was always steady.” “You have no problem walking into court and telling the judge and the jury, under oath, that your Mexican restaurant didn’t need any extra help on May 5th. That these schedules and payroll records you’ve produced are 100% accurate. For Cinco de Mayo? You are totally comfortable with doing that?”
“Yeah, I… Oh.” The case settled within a week.
64. What are the Odds
When I was around 16, I worked as a test shopper, so I’d end up in court sometimes to testify that someone had sold me cigarettes. There was one time where a man was claiming he had sold me cigarettes because the compliance officers never tried to properly train him as a store owner. The officers told him they tried to call him several times, and he was being incredibly difficult to get a hold of. The officers even had a ridiculous amount of notes that described all the times they tried to contact him.
When they pointed out all this to him, his defense turned into, “I don’t own a phone, so it was up to them to try something else to train me.” With absolutely perfect timing, his phone started audibly ringing in his pocket—the second he finished saying he didn’t own one. Our side’s lawyer is now a judge, and she still says that was one of the most perfectly timed things that’s ever happened to her
65. Major Facepalm
My mom is a lawyer and was representing a black woman who was accused of stealing. My mother is also black and this is how it went down. Plaintiff’s lawyer: “Please point out the accused.” Officer: points at my mom Mom: “I’m the lawyer, officer.” Judge: dismisses case.
66. That Escalated Quickly
The complaining witness accused my client of harassment/stalking. My client claimed they were dating, but whenever she got mad at him, she’d call the police and say he was harassing her. On the stand, she testified that she’d never dated him, never invited him into her home, wanted nothing to do with him. She presented a photo on her phone of him sitting on her porch to prove that he had come to her property.
I asked the judge permission to look at the photos before and after the porch photo for context. Girl had dozens of photos of the guy, who was clearly her boyfriend. I showed her one such picture: This is Mr. So-and-so, right? (yes) In this photo, he’s on a bed? (yes) The bed is yours? (yes) The bed is in your bedroom? (yes) You took this photo of him? (yes) He’s smiling in the photo? (yes) And in this photo, he’s wearing your brassiere? (yes)
No further questions, your honor.
67. Over the Hill
My ex-wife and I went up to Big Bear to go snowboarding and spend some time together. We were having issues and I thought to be fun to get away and do something fun together. Let’s just say it did not go well. She said she grew up snowboarding, but she never made it down a hill and had a terrible time.
So we went back to the cabin and she was pretty much just on her phone, not talking to me. We make it back and she says she needs to just shower and be alone for a bit. She goes off and I just hang in the den. She left her phone in her purse and it just kept buzzing, so I checked it out because what if someone was trying to reach us or something? I open it up to read a full conversation between her and this guy. It wasn’t good.
I read how that day’s texts started and they started really early in the morning. “Hope you’re doing ok up there.” “We’ll see, doubt it. He’s trying too hard. He should just know it really doesn’t matter. Wish I was up here with you instead.” Just the worst stuff. And that was before I even woke up. I was pretty devastated and really didn’t know what to do.
I knew I didn’t want to fight because I realized she wasn’t worth fighting for. Grabbed my bag and drove back to San Diego. I took her phone with me, so I could text him and tell him “We’re coming home early, let’s meet.” I ended up inviting him to a coffee shop and waited for him to show up. When he walked through the door, he saw me immediately and kind of stopped.
I waved him over and wasn’t too far from the door, so I told him we need to talk. He comes over and already front loads with the “It’s not what you think,” blah blah blah speech. I told him that if he wants her, he can take his sorry butt to Big Bear and go get her. Because I was leaving and we’re through. See you when we sign the papers.
And I left. Second worst day of my life but I’m glad it happened. Met my lady three years later and we’ve been together for four years, now engaged. I don’t know if you asked this because you yourself are going through this and need comfort and to know what to do. But I hope this is just a hypothetical question and if not, there are better partners out there for us. You just need to let life introduce you to them.
68. Regrets? I Have a Few
She left our two-year relationship for this guy. Then I start getting messages from him. And I was MAD. I take my love very seriously I guess. So I keep getting Facebook messages, and then I check his Facebook. The account only has two friends, no pictures, and is four days old.
Turns out, he IMMEDIATELY left her when she left me for him. But she wanted ME to crawl back to her? So she made a fake account to make me jealous. I legitimately stopped breathing from how hard I laughed.
My wife was sick one morning and I went out to get her medicine and return a DVD to a RedBox machine. There was a couple with their child browsing the movies. After waiting five minutes patiently, I told them that my wife was sick and asked if I could quickly return my movie since it would only take about 15 seconds. In a very rude tone, the wife told me that I could just wait my turn. It was so frustrating—but I was about to make her pay for it.
I wait a couple of minutes and the child starts crying because the vending machine does not have Gnomeo and Juliet and he doesn’t want to watch Cars 2 again. I then turn to the wife and show her that I was here to return Gnomeo and Juliet, but I can’t wait for them any longer since my wife is sick, and I have until 9:00 pm to return it.
I hopped into my car as the kid falls to the ground in a screaming, kicking temper tantrum.
70. High But Not Dry
A few years ago, I was in college, walking down the sidewalk to my next class. It had just finished raining heavily, and the road was punctuated by very large puddles. So, not a drop was falling, and I’m walking down the sidewalk, umbrella in hand. Just an average Joe. Coming my way are a group of four girls, very pretty, but really snobby-looking.
They’re the type who are so conceited, if you glance in their general direction, they’re already sneering at you as if you’re checking them out. So as they’re nearing me, I see a large, rusted pickup truck barreling my way down the road, at high speed…Puddles. Redneck. People on the sidewalk…I suddenly realized what’s going to happen.
I immediately drop to a crouch, open my umbrella to the side facing the road. The girls are probably five feet in front of me. One of them says, in that snobby-girl voice, “Um, what the heck are you doing?” The other ones start laughing in chorus… VRRRRROOOOOOMMMM!!!! SSSSssssSSSSPPPPLASHHHH!!!!
The truck swerves into the puddle, throwing a freaking ten-foot typhoon of muddy water up onto the sidewalk! The truck blares its horn, continuing on its merry way. I can’t believe it. NOT A DROP had touched me. My dork-looking ninja move had saved me. The girls were all covered head to toe in filthy, college town muddy ditch water, soaked, hair all messed up, clothes stained, snotty looks frozen in astonishment.
Without missing a beat, I stand up and flatly state, “Keeping dry.” It was the most epic moment I have ever had.
71. Hang 10 on the Highway
Driving three hours to a wedding in a snowstorm. I am a passenger in my friends’ vehicle and he pulls off the highway at a rest stop to use the bathroom. It’s snowing hard and the entire parking lot is empty and has about ten inches of snow on it. We drive right through the middle of the lot and end up hitting a curb with the entire left side of the vehicle.
Luckily, we were in a large Dodge RAM 2500 pickup and traveling about ten mph, so it was a minor bump. He gets out and goes inside, my other buddy and I get out to have a smoke. As we’re standing there smoking, we see a minivan come flying through the lot… probably going at least 30-40mph and they were headed right for the curb we barely hit.
It was like it was happening in slow motion, all my buddy said was “Oh darn, he’s heading right for it…” He hit it square with both front tires and the van launched in the air like it was straight out of a movie. Came down hard on the front end… there just had to be damage. Guy sees us smoking and tries to play it cool like we didn’t just see him launch his vehicle in the air.
We’re doing our best not to laugh our butts off. As he was walking to the restroom he looked back slightly, checking for damage. That’s when I lost it.
72. Parting Gifts
My soon-to-be-finalized ex-wife got a DUI while out with the dude she left me for, less than a week after she dropped the news and moved out. Also, within a week of the DUI, I enjoyed giving her the news that legally I’ll get to keep the house, both vehicles, and am not required to pay her back anything from the $10k her parents gave me for the house down-payment years ago (from before we were married).
Within a month, she went from married with a great combined income in a nice house in a nice neighborhood driving a 2010 Jetta to living with her parents (at age 31), lacking any vehicle, and credit card debt almost equal to her meager public teacher annual salary. Ahhh, too bad…
73. Not Paying Doesn’t Pay
When I was going through a divorce because my wife cheated on me, I allowed her to remain on my health insurance as long as she paid me monthly for the bill until the divorce was finalized. She never paid me, and I had her removed the month before the divorce was final. She had a huge nose and convinced some crooked plastic surgeon to do a nose job and bill it to the insurance as a “deviated septum” surgery.
She was left with a $6,000 bill to pay but would have gotten away with it had she sent me a grand total of $270 for three months of health insurance.
74. Sorry to Drop in
My brother and I (like, nine and 11, maybe?) were waiting in line for a pony ride when this woman shoved us out of the way so her kid could get in front of us. While I was standing there imagining feeding the lady to a pony, blamo! Bird poops on her head. If she hadn’t shoved us, that would’ve been me.
75. You Can Always Depend on Your Smash Bros
I’m out drinking at a run-of-the-mill Irish college bar in Boston, having a good time with some friends. We’re in the middle of the fairly crowded room, just talking over the loud music. A random (drunk) dude comes up behind me and gooses my bottom. I turn around and he gets in my face and just stares at me wordlessly with wide, angry eyes, then pushes me in the chest.
Now, fighting is not generally my thing, and getting thrown out of bars isn’t either, but not seeing any other choice, I take a step backward, then forward and give him a really good shove to the chest right back. He flies back about four or five feet but remained standing. I prepare to fight, in anticipation of his charge back at me. The most awesome thing ever happens.
Before he can rush me, five guys I have never seen before melt right out of the crowd around this guy, circle him like a pack of hyenas and start beating him up. They all get thrown out, and I finish the night with my friends.
76. Not a Big Fan
At most sporting events you will encounter some of the worst kind of people humanity has to offer. Most are decent people just looking to let go and have a good time with friends, usually heavily intoxicated. But some people, whether it be due to the excess alcohol or them just being walking piles of trash, take it too far.
One guy and his buddies I remember at a hockey game were the worst. Occasional drunken outbursts are some of the most entertaining aspects of attending, but this guy was just in it for the attention. Through the entire first period he is a nonstop deluge of cussing and stupid ranting, loud and proud. It was driving me absolutely insane.
Eventually a father with his two young son tells him to shut it. He pulls the whole tough-guy act, glaring him down and trying to goad him into a confrontation with his buddies all backing him up. A security guard making rounds was already watching him and tells him to sit down and, rather comically, to “watch his freaking mouth.” He relents but he does so in a mocking way, still being loud and replacing cuss words with less offensive ones. Taking the time to shoot an occasional glare at the father.
He and his buddies disappear towards the end of the second period. Just when we start to think he got his dumb butt kicked out, he comes stumbling back beer in hand with only one of his buddies. As he makes his way up the steps to his seats, you could tell he was struggling. He climbs about 15 or so steps and tries to switch up his beer-holding hand.
Just as someone yells “Don’t mess up!” his readjustment destroys his already tenuous balance and he topples backwards. He spills his beer all over himself, rolls over his smaller friend, down all the steps, and landing at the feet of the security guard who spoke to him earlier. His fall and subsequent ejection got the loudest applause of the night.
77. Just for Kicks
I was a high school sophomore at my first “real” party. Feeling dorky and talking to some girls I knew from a class. This muscle-head comes up to me, parts the girls with his hands and punches me for no reason other than he was drunk and wanted to make his friends laugh. They all did. I stay around for another ten minutes trying to regain any shreds of dignity. I then decide to just get out of there.
On my way out, muscle head is lying on the front walkway next to a cracked concrete planter. Apparently, he’d decided he could kick it. Six weeks on crutches for a broken foot.
78. Too Young for Mercy
When I was 13 years old, I was awkward, introverted and had low self-esteem, I was also dealing with a stressful home life. Lucky me, I was bullied by a classmate. He wasn’t that much bigger than me, but he had a gang of fellow jerks that would always hang around and would join in on the intimidation tactics if anyone dared stand up to him. We had three or four classes together, so he found it entertaining to torment me.
He’d trip me, punch me, spit in my face, kick me in the balls, threaten me, tell me how worthless I was, steal my homework and school supplies, rip my clothes, etc. every freaking day often several times a day. I complained to the school and the teachers, but the most they did was make him sit on the other side of the classroom from me.
Meanwhile, at home, my parents are constantly fighting and getting ready for divorce proceedings. My life was a living nightmare. School year ends, but I have a crummy summer because I anticipate I’ll have to face this jerk the coming school year. The school year starts and like the previous year, the torment starts anew. Two months into the year, I hear on the morning news that the jerk’s father gets in an argument with the jerk’s mom and shoots and kills her.
Consequently, his harassment stopped, and I didn’t see much of him after that. I suppose I should have felt bad for him, but I didn’t. Not at all.
79. Moving on Down
I was at the gym running on the track when I spotted a girl on one of those huge Stairmasters with the escalator-type stairs. She slipped and fell, but instead of letting go, she hung on for a while…she was bouncing up and down in pain like a cartoon. I had to stop running because I was laughing so hard.
80. Run for the Sugar
I was sitting on the porch of my mom’s house when the ice cream truck came through the neighborhood. The kid down the street (fat, mean-faced, buzz cut, striped shirt, the whole nine yards) comes out of his house. He starts chasing the ice cream truck up the hill, he can’t run very fast and the ice cream truck outdistances him.
He walked back to his house with the most dejected shuffle I’ve ever seen.
81. Face the Way Out
At my workplace, we have two glass “in” doors and two glass “out” doors. On a daily basis, I will get some jerk angrily complaining about this or that, storm away from the counter and slam face-first into the clearly marked, one-way opening “in” doors. And I love it.
82. Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But DUIs Will Break Yours
I went to middle school with a jerk kid who teased me and ragged on me all the time. Total prick. I went through the whole routine of trying to be nice, trying to fit in, trying to stand up to him, telling on him, pretty much the whole thing. Nothing worked, the guy was just a dick.
Junior year of high school, he and one of his jerk friends were driving his brand-new Camaro late one night. They were drunk and high, driving 70mph+ in a 35mph area when they hit a tree. The prick put himself in a coma and gave his friend a few broken bones and had to finish the school year in a wheelchair.
I don’t like to wish those kinds of injury on anyone, but if it had to happen to someone, I’m glad it happened to someone who deserved it.
83. Not Iron Fist
In college, I lived in a six-bedroom house with a bunch of guys. I was gone for the summer and some of my roommates’ friends had problems with me. They thought it would be hilarious to punch a hole in my wall and make me pay the security deposit. One of the dudes broke his hand on the wall and my roommates made them fix the hole because they knew it was a trashy thing to do.
84. Not Sharing the Love
Manager was engaged to a girl at the company and was boinking a girl on my team as well. Girl didn’t like her review, so his friend with benefits tried to get me to sign the change. I would not. He then put me on night shifts only while my wife was pregnant—as well as having a three-year-old running around. Fast forward ten years, and my wife overhears a familiar voice going in for an interview in the office next door to her. Yep, it was him.
After he left, my wife had a conversation with the person doing the interview…he was blacklisted. When my wife told me the story “I had an interesting day…” I couldn’t stop smiling for a month.
85. The Cost of Caring
My inept boss put everyone in the office through major drama in preparation for his overseas trip. He had the IT department bending over backward to get him new tech so he could do work via Wi-Fi in his hotel. While on the trip, he has been complaining non-stop that he couldn’t connect to the hotel Wi-Fi (which hasn’t been a problem for anyone else on the same trip). He has been emailing and micromanaging via his laptop tethered to his phone.
Well, it seems he forgot to ask for international data roaming on his phone. I just found out that in one week he racked up $4,000 in data charges. This might explain why I’ve not received any email from him in days.
86. That Cleansing Burn
During a conversation with a client, my boss mistook our coffee thermos for the hand sanitizer and burned the ever-living heck out of his hands.
87. Play Ball
Someone who worked under me decided to quit in a big dramatic way, writing me a three-page letter about how I’m the reason nothing is working, that I’m the worst person in the world, etc. etc. blah blah. He was literally the laziest person in the world and the entire letter was completely BS.
A few months later, he has an internship with a baseball team: his job is to stand on the pitcher’s mound before the game while the crowd throws balls into a bucket on his head.
88. What Goes Around Comes Around…Eventually
My ex-wife had cheated on me in 1998 just a little over a year after we married. I stayed with her, we had a daughter in 2000, then in 2007 after she graduated with her master’s degree and secured a job, she kicked me out of the house because she “found someone better” while in school. I kept my cool, was the bigger person as an example to my daughter.
My ex got re-married in March 2010. The guy she married has been cheating on her with three other women and she is in the process of divorcing him. I have been a shoulder for her and just listening to her talk about it until she said this the other day, “There is no excuse for anyone to cheat in a marriage. Absolutely no reason!” I calmly looked at her and said, “You know all this pain and hurt he has caused you? This is what you put me through…twice. Be thankful he can’t take your child from you.”
She just stared at me as it sunk in and I felt like it was all worth it as she realized this was her just due.
89. I’m Taking You All Down With Me
I once had a boss who was an uber-douche. He was several rungs up the ladder and was basically a waste of space and money. When the company was going through a “reorganization,” he realized his position would be seen as pointless and made sure to get on the committee that analyzed the ladder. He arranged to have the guy below him who worked his butt off fired and he then “took” on those responsibilities, minus being productive in any way.
He then proceeded to have investigations into the staff to find out who was loyal to the boss that was laid off. This resulted in many of us being written up for talking to each other about how the fired boss was now doing great at his new job. I eventually quit after realizing that I couldn’t win against this guy. He has already gotten rid of two or three other people by finding BS excuses to “discipline” them.
After I left, he proceeded to get rid of all of the productive employees. Several years go by and I get a call from my mother—when I heard what she had to say, I just couldn’t stop smiling. That company lost their biggest contract and has gone under. The douche boss was the sole cause of the whole place going under. I love this story!!!!
90. Teach Yourself
I had two students once write on their TA evaluation of me that I was the “worst TA ever,” that they were majors in the subject and were “highly concerned if this was the quality of education the department provides,” and one was “considering transferring.” Basically, they tried to get me in trouble/ fired, not knowing I’m the only one who sees them.
A few terms later, I was teaching a class they were in (not as their TA), and I had the pleasure of watching them fail. One of them had my lab mate for a TA, and I got to hear her complain about how stuck up she was, considering her “stupidity” (lab mate isn’t as nice as I am). I took way too much pleasure in grading their exams.
91. A Cinderella Epilogue
I spent most of my teen years being tormented by my ex-stepmother and her daughter. She was always seen by my then-stepmother as the angel; the perfect daughter, despite the stuff she did. She tried to get my dad sent to jail, would take and sell drugs out of our house, tried to stab me with a knife because she’d been grounded and wasn’t allowed out, would kick up a MASSIVE storm if she wasn’t allowed something, etc..
Needless to say, I was treated as scum of the earth by her mother. I lived in basically a closet with a window for seven years. My father and mother had to sneakily buy me gifts for things like exam results (mother bought me my first decent laptop for my GCSEs; stepmother insulted my intelligence and called me a spoiled brat). I was constantly treated like I was the troublemaker who’d avoided bail three times. Not saying I was neglected, I had a more comfortable life than some kids out there. But it was still pretty crummy.
Recently I’ve made something of my life, at university and actually achieving the grades I always dreamed of. Dad’s kicked my stepmother out and she’s been begging for him to take her back (to no avail, HA), and my stepsister managed to get herself pregnant (not by accident, through ignorance) and has narrowly avoided jail time. I cannot help but smile whenever I think about it.
92. Summary of Un-Qualification
When I was out of work for a long time, I interviewed at this tech firm to do sales for them. The Marketing Director came from sales and was the typical “I can sell ice to an Eskimo” kind of salesperson. Very Type A, my way is the only way. The product was the same as many other products and having a technical background, I knew that if we sold the way he was describing, we would get a few non-technical people to buy, but big contracts were not going to happen. I have a degree in Marketing and Computer Science.
I expressed my concern about this—turns out, this was a HUGE mistake. He goes off on me. I try to gracefully leave, and he starts yelling at me as I’m walking out and all the way out the building. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I bring a guy in for an interview to work as one of my reps. The office manager brings him in and I look up from the desk. It’s him.
He doesn’t remember me, but it stuck in my memory so strong because nothing like that had ever happened to me before or since.
Being the bigger person, I just do the interview, and was going to be fair and not make anything of it. Finally, I give in. I say, “I’ve met you before. Do you remember me?” Him: “No…”
Me: “I interviewed with you a few years back, you were very rude to me. You yelled some of the most awful vitriol at me I have ever heard. At this time, I’m not going to hold it against you. But I do have significant concerns that you will not be able to hold your temper in difficult situations with our clients. If you want to be at all considered for this job, you better allay those concerns and impress me.”
He looks very confused you can see him reliving his past, then the look of enlightenment hits him. It was the most satisfying thing I have ever seen. Not so much the revenge, but the realization that when you put bad into the world, it can come back to bite you. He said some things to try to save the interview and apologized. I accepted his apology graciously. But the discomfort was clear for him.
The reality of it is if he was actually qualified for the position, I probably would have still hired him, but he had no experience in relational sales. He was a hard sales kind of guy and that gets you a reputation and nowhere in the healthcare industry.
93. File Under Regrets
Condescending coworker decided he had no chance for advancement in his current company (small business, our boss was the owner). Gave his two weeks notice, bailed out after the first week and screwed over our awesome boss. I had to go looking through his email archive for a client email shortly after and found out all my emails to him were stored in a folder named “derp.”
Meanwhile, we just got acquired by an amazing company. It’s the kind of company you dream about working for, with the best projects and richest clients. I had actually driven by it once thinking, “This is the kind of place I want to work at someday.” He’s now freelancing for one of our clients whom he hated and would badmouth behind his back and feeling a bit remorseful for jumping ship.
Who’s derping now?!
94. Mother of All Revenge
My friend’s abusive mother detests me. One day, said friend ran away from home; she came to my house to hole-up. Note that we were at my house alone and that I was 16 at the time. The mother shows up on my porch the next morning, harassing me and essentially scaring the snot out of both of us. She proceeds to call the police on me for “housing and assisting a run-away.”
After about three stress-filled hours of being harassed and then talking to the police, my friend snaps and starts going off about all the things her mother did to her. The police took her mother and my friend away to discuss it in the office. The officer talking to me liked me and gave me his personal number in case I or my friends get in trouble.
The mother went to jail for a few days and had the potential for five years (but my friend is forgiving and didn’t press charges). The woman hasn’t seen her daughter since, and my friend is now in the custody of her aunt and uncle who are awesome.
95. When the Playlist Shuffles Too Hard
I was on the treadmill at the gym. This girl was next to me texting over and over. Every time she would receive a text, her phone would blast this terrible music; it was highly distracting. At some point she reaches for her phone to answer another text and fumbles it, it hits the treadmill track which rapidly accelerates her smartphone across the room. I could see the confusion in her face…should I get that or keep running like it didn’t happen…
I failed to keep my laughter to myself, and the thought of how I looked—trying to conceal my laughter—made me have a full-on, teary-eyed laughter fit.
96. Never Too Young to Be LOLed At
When you have kids, schadenfreude is a part of daily life. My four-year-old was shirtless and learning how to “snap” his shirt from his father… he kept doing it over and over until he got it right—which happened to be on the forehead of my two-year-old…I quickly rescued the baby then scolded my four-year-old for hitting him.
He then starts to wind up the shirt again, takes one big swing and generated enough force to snap himself right in the face… nice shiner for his troubles too!
97. You Haven’t Seen the Last of ME
Got laid off. Was chosen as the one to let go because I caused an investigation into unfair productivity reporting and got my manager in trouble. Four months later, got rehired at the same company in a different department making more than anyone in my old department. Feelsgoodman.
98. Every Recession Has a Silver Lining
I had to deal with a guy from Lehman Brothers at work once. He was really rude to me and was in the wrong. I had to calmly and politely explain why he was incorrect, when he realized it he just snorted and hung up. Didn’t even think to apologize for being a rude jerk and yelling at me for 15 mins when he was entirely in the wrong.
Six weeks later, Lehman’s collapsed…
99. Instant Karma
Former co-worker stole an important freelance client from me (by underbidding me, after I had unofficially won the project). Not only that, actually brought a bottle of champagne into the office to celebrate in front of me. She started the project. I had to scramble and find something else. The client turned out to be a jerk and fired her.
I am still working on the other project I found, and it is MUCH better.
100. Sold out of Love
Wife was pilfering money from the marriage, to the tune of about $1,000 per month. It had gone on for a few years before I figured it out. (I thought she was saving the money, she was really stashing it in her dad’s accounts.) Not satisfied to simply stash away her own salary, she began to buy stuff on the joint charge card, then sell it on eBay. I paid the card.
I started the divorce without telling her. During this time, I took my name off the joint card without telling her and began using my own credit card. When the bills came in for that month, I informed her that I would not pay the credit card bills anymore, that she had her own job and her own money and she could pay her own bills.
There was the expected ruckus about that, but I dug my heels in. A week or so later, she had a screaming foot-stomping tantrum about how it wasn’t worth her time to work her eBay business. (Because she now had to actually buy her own inventory instead of just selling stuff I bought). Yeah, I cracked a smile.
The story ends thusly: I later traded the stolen money—and my silence about the felonies she committed while transferring the money—for shared custody, zero payments to her, and zero claims on real estate, etc. She walked away with less than she’d have gotten if she was honest. I even got the house.
Our divorce was final four months ago.
101. A Serving of Superiority
When I was in high school, I dated a guy who repeatedly cheated on me with his ex. I found out after we’d broken up, and I told him off and broke off contact. A few years later, I’d finished college and started working at a publishing company where I often get free tickets to cultural events in town. My boss gave me tickets to the opera and also tickets to the little VIP events where they serve free food and wine at intermission and after the show.
The first time I’d seen the girl my ex cheated with was at the little VIP intermission gathering. I was sitting there munching on hors d’oeuvres and sipping wine when I saw her. She was clearing tables with the catering crew. She made eye contact for one second and then immediately turned away and was obviously avoiding me for the rest of the night. It was perfect.
102. An Unconvincing Performance
When video stores were a thing that existed, I assistant-managed one under this real witch who, frankly, didn’t have any business managing anything more complicated than a curling iron. One night, she convinced her thuggy husband to fake-rob her after closing. To make a long story short, they didn’t get away with it, and they both went to jail. THE END.
103. Don’t Stop Believing
My dad is out of state on business driving through some no-name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly, a cop pulls him over and tickets him—stating that he ran a stop sign. My dad insisted that there was not any stop sign, but the cop did not listen. Angry, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was indeed a stop sign hidden behind a tree and twisted in the wrong direction!
Even more angrier, he went into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera. The clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up.
Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket, and was shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge, and strolled out in five minutes scot-free.