Misunderstandings occur every day; they’re a natural part of life. While often they are pretty mundane, some of these misunderstandings can make things look much worse than they really are. From toys mistaken for something much more dangerous to people walking in on awkward situations, these are the best moments that ultimately end in someone saying, “It’s not what it looks like!”
1. Butt Massage
I’ve suffered from left leg sciatica since I was about 14. It turns out I had something wrong with one of the facets in my lower left-hand spine. In high school, I discovered the only way to heal a flare-up was to have someone legit dig into my left butt cheek. It’s instant pain relief as the muscle calmed down and the nerve relaxed. But one day, it all went so wrong.
Once, in 11th grade, I had my girlfriend over to my parents’ house and we went downstairs to watch a movie. While we obviously messed around down there all the time, this was actually very innocent. I had a flare up and she offered to massage my butt cheek to help with the pain. I laid across her lap, face down, while she went to town. Felt soooo good to not have my leg on fire.
Anyway, my dad walks downstairs and in the dark, it appears my girlfriend was fisting me. He immediately screams, “Whoa, oh my god I’m sorry!” and runs upstairs. I had to go and explain what was up. He still thinks she was fisting me. I’m almost 30.
2. Honest, Officer!
I was walking along one night with my wife and we bumped our hips accidentally. I bumped her again, she bumped me back harder, and it escalated from there. For my final victory, I timed it just right to knock her into a lamppost so she fell over laughing...big mistake. "Whoop whoop"—a cop car had come up behind us and only saw the blow that knocked her over.
She instantly started laughing so hard at the absurdity of it that tears were streaming down her face. Yep, that didn't help. They grabbed me to stop me from "attacking" her anymore (I had been going over to help her up, honest, officer!). It took quite a while for her to stop laughing enough to explain, and longer still for them to believe us.
3. Here’s The Thong, Mom
I had a good female friend in high school named Natalie. I had a big crush on her and we ended up dating later, but at the time she was with someone else. Anyway, she came to my house to work on a project after school one day before my mom came home. Natalie finished up and then had a date with her boyfriend at the time, much to my lovesick chagrin.
In any case, she needed to change for the date, and I told her she could change in my room. She did and then left without incident. Later, I was chilling downstairs when my mom got home and went upstairs. I don’t know why she did it, but for some reason, she decided to look in my room. Then I heard her say my full name, loudly and slowly, the way she only did when I was in serious trouble.
Confused, I ran upstairs. What I saw made my jaw drop. It was my mom holding a lacy, see-through, blue thong. Apparently, it fell out of Natalie's bag when she was changing. The worst part was there was no way I could convince my very angry, traditionalist mom that I didn't do anything with Natalie. Also, the reality was that I very much wanted to.
4. Did You Hear That?
I was in the Navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier. In the sleeping compartment I was assigned to, we had lockers called "coffin lockers." Our beds were on top of the coffin lid, which we opened the way you would think to get to our stuff. These were stacked three high, with not quite enough room to sit up while you were in the bed.
We were on a deployment, so we brought whatever we couldn't live without for six months to a year. One of the things I had was a rechargeable shaver. Well, apparently when I closed my locker the one night before going to bed, I'd jarred the battery cover and the shaver intermittently vibrated against the wall of the locker. However, I didn't realize it at first...and this led to one embarrassing moment.
I heard the vibration and assumed that the girl assigned to the bunk under mine was going to town on herself with a vibrator. It went on and on, so then I started thinking that it wasn't her with her vibrator. I got out of bed and opened my locker, and when I saw the shaver, I realized what I had been hearing. At that moment, the girl laying in her bunk below mine opened the curtains and gave me a look.
I showed her the shaver and explained what happened. We both had a laugh when she said that she thought I had been going to town on myself with a vibrator.
5. Off Limits
I was in a relationship with a girl who was paraplegic and needed a wheelchair. We made a cosplay of the Lamia from Monster Musume and we went into a part of the convention center that was empty to get a couple of shots of the costume before going out into the crowd. At the time, we didn't know that where we went was technically off-limits.
So, I helped her out of the wheelchair and I laid her down so she could get comfortable, and I was wheeling her chair off to the side to be out of sight for the photos. Now, I always mess around too much and I was pretending to run away while taunting her; I did this kind of thing all the time and it always made her laugh. Ooh, boy I wish I hadn't done that.
I think I said something like, "Good luck trying to leave without your wheels," and before I could turn around to see where I was going, I was getting wrestled to the ground by the convention center security. We cleared it up and I got a slap on the wrist because we were somewhere we weren't supposed to be. The security guards got in more trouble because they're not supposed to touch people, but their hearts were in the right place since they thought I was robbing a girl who couldn't walk.
6. No Harm Done
I was at a concert and some dude flicked his roach into the air when he was done with it. The cherry landed right on top of this girl's head, just burning into her hair. I was standing right beside her, so I just immediately swatted the burning ember from her hair. She turned around along with her boyfriend and they were like, “What was that?”
I tried to explain that someone had thrown a roach into her hair, but they really didn't seem to believe me, they just thought I was some weirdo who likes to whack women on the top of their heads, I guess? They turned back around, visibly annoyed, and walked away. Then some guy behind me was like, "Nice job, bro, I watched the whole thing." Why didn't he say something when they were questioning me?!
7. Dog Troubles
I live in what is probably not the best neighborhood in Brooklyn, and a few weeks ago I was walking my girlfriend's small black three-legged dog late one night. There are a lot of guys that hang out by a busy corner drinking on their stoops, and one of them went to take a leak by a building's trash area. He was facing the building with his back to me.
So, as he was peeing, Pepper (the dog) decided she was going to be stubborn and just sit down. I kept trying to get her to get up so we could go home. As I was calling her and telling her, "Come on, let’s go," the guy peeing locked eyes with me through a mirror that was in the trash pile. He couldn't see the dog I was talking to because she was 10 feet behind me in the shadows.
He thought I was trying to fight him WHILE I was watching him take a leak. This was, of course, not at all the case. As he was zipping up and turned around, Pepper hopped up and trotted by and broke all the tension. He was like, "Oh man, my bad! I didn't know you were talking to the dog." We laughed about it and carried on our separate ways.
8. Threat Of Explosion
I had a terrible headache at work, and the work colleague who gave me the headache pills failed to mention they were effervescent and had to be put into water. Worse, I was just running from work to get on a two-hour train trip to my parents’ house. So I swallowed the pills on the train with just a sip of water from my water bottle, and immediately felt something was very wrong.
Now not only do I have a terrible headache, but my intestines are fizzing. My guts were not impressed, and soon my bowels began to cramp. This was the very last train for the day, so if I got off at a station to go to the toilet, I'd be stuck overnight in the middle of nowhere. However, I knew at one station the train would stop and sit there for a few minutes while the guards changed over.
Still, there was no way I would make it to the toilet carrying all my luggage and back again in time. So I risked running off the train, abandoning my luggage for an express toilet bowel explosion. Fortunately, the carriage was empty, because I don't know what people would think seeing someone leaving a bunch of luggage on a train and absolutely sprinting away like their life depended on it.
They might have thought it was for another type of explosion. Fortunately, I managed to get to the toilet, clean up, and get back on the train before it took off with my luggage. But it was still a pretty miserable train trip.
9. Just Looking
It’s my senior year of high school at the end of the year and it's been super hot for days. For some reason, the A/C isn't working. I have this pain in my scrotum area and I'm complaining about it to my friend next to me in biology class. I really don't want to go tell the nurse or have a parent look at it, so I ask my friend if he'll take a peek.
After all, this was before everyone had a cell phone with a camera to do this sort of thing. He says, “Sure, bro, I got you.” The teacher tells us to split into pairs to quiz each other with flashcards for the final and then excuses himself to the bathroom. At this point, my friend and I pair up and head to the back of the lab where there's a walkthrough office to the next lab.
We close the door behind us and move out of sight of the windowed doors, and I drop my shorts and undies while he squats down to take a look as I move my junk up and out of the way for a clear view. Welp. In walks the teacher because he wanted to grab his water bottle out of the office on his way back from the bathroom, and I'm standing facing him.
My friend is squatting in front of me, definitely looking like he's blowing me from the teacher’s perspective. The teacher freezes and can't find words as I rush to cover myself and my friend turns around and blurts out "I'm not sucking it, I'm just looking!" The teacher backs out of the office and won't look either of us in the eye for the last week of school. It just turned out to be a boil, I managed to drain it later in the shower and it healed up fine.
10. Note To Self
So my wife is kind of ridiculous and adorable and I love her very much for it. One day she made me lunch for work and included a note written onto a paper towel that said, "I love you -me" in sharpie. So I sit down in the break room at my work and begin eating my lunch. On the table, there happened to be another black sharpie and I put it (and a roll of paper towels) together away from my little part of the table.
I set up, eat my lunch, and set my wife's paper towel note down next to (I'm sure you can guess) the paper towels and the sharpie. As I'm eating, a co-worker and my boss walk in. I chat with the co-worker and he looks at my wife's note, the paper towels, and the sharpie. He then proceeds to ask "Did you write yourself a note?"
I look at the note, the sharpie, and the paper towels, and realize how it must appear. As I have a mouth full of food, I have to frantically explain that no, I'm not in fact in need of serious emotional help. Luckily they both laughed and believed me.
11. Highway Opera
I’m driving back to college from my grandma's house, holding my hand up to my ear to hear myself better as I practice for a choral performance a couple of days from then. An officer pulls me over and is surprised to see that my phone is actually packed away in the back seat when he asks me to retrieve it. He asks me what I was doing, and I awkwardly explain the thought process behind hearing yourself better when holding a hand to your ear. Then I went and made it more awkward.
After a long stoic pause, I panicked and couldn’t think of anything else to say so I went, “Just try it!” and started singing on the side of a two-lane highway in the middle of nowhere. He let me off with a warning.
12. Fun At The Beach
When I was 17, my parents found underwear in the back of the minivan I drove. In any scenario, this would be bad, but in this case, the underwear was clearly an eight-year-old boy's underwear with ninja turtles on it. They had questions. See, my girlfriend had a best friend who had much younger siblings, and we were hanging out at that friend's house and the kids were like "We wanna go to the beach."
And we had a great day! The kid was awesome. Afterward, I drove everybody home. But that kid, for whatever reason, didn't change back out of his bathing suit and didn't keep track of his original clothing all that well. Somehow, his underwear wound up under the back seat in the car, where it sat for two months before anyone found it.
Fortunately, everyone had a good sense of humor about it—especially the kid's mother, who thought it was the funniest thing. But let me assure you, for the 10 seconds between when I got asked about it and when I realized what had happened, I probably had a very horrified look on my face.
13. Toy Trouble
When I was younger, my family was going on a trip somewhere hot the day after Christmas. Two of my favorite gifts were a shark Beastwars Transformer and a cap gun that was a replica of a 9mm (it even had the orange tip). Obviously, I wanted to bring them with me. Well, as we were going through the airport, my bag got flagged with something that looked nearly identical to a pistol.
Airport security officers came over, and they made a huge scene. My family was not excited at all by my brain-dead move. The officer even fired a round at the ground to make sure it was a toy. Anyway, we didn’t miss our flight, but I also lost my shark transformer on the flight home. All things considered, it was a pretty fun trip.
14. Not That Kind Of Guy
I was trying to apply petroleum jelly to my dog's paws before we went on a quick walk. It was hot enough to fail the pavement test, but he still needed to go potty and I had read it would protect him for 15 or so minutes, hopefully long enough to do his business and get back. He didn't like people messing with his feet, so I had to keep him leashed up and was trying to get his back feet.
I was frustrated enough that I tied him to the front of his kennel so I could use both hands for his feet...and then Grandpa came home. He saw the pup tied to the kennel and me at his back end with an open jar of petroleum jelly. I'm very glad that we had all known each other for years, because that was already awkward enough to explain before he pointed out my fly was partially unzipped.
He said that he knew I'm not that kind of guy but he couldn't resist how red I went.
15. Ice Cold
Ok, so I convinced my dad to do the polar plunge at this super awesome festival called Frozen Dead Guy Days. Well, it was so windy that year that the warming tent wouldn't stay up, so their solution was to have an old ambulance be our place to get changed out of our frozen clothes. My dad got in there and decided he didn't want to be packed in like a can of sardines with a bunch of strangers.
His solution was to walk a quarter-mile up the road to a cafe to change in the bathroom. I'm pretty sure a mild case of hypothermia set in, because he was messed up once he got to the cafe and was in the bathroom for ages. Eventually, I went in there and he was still in his wet clothes. I ended up helping him get dressed, but I was struggling hard with buttoning his pants.
It was even more awkward cause he was free-balling it. Well, sure enough right as I was on my knees, face level at my dad's junk, some Karen barged into the bathroom, angry because someone was in there forever, only to see what was (in her mind) going down. Of course, I'm stupid and my only explanation was to blurt out, "It’s okay! He's my dad!!" She bolted so fast out of there.
16. It’s Just A Game!
When the game Fruit Ninja was really popular on the iPod Touch, I would play in the car while my mom ran errands. I would try to beat my high score in a timed mode where you had to slice as much fruit as possible. At the end there would be a rapid barrage of fruit and the best way to deal with them was to brace the iPod touch in your lap with one hand and furiously swipe your finger across the screen with the other.
A car was parked nose to nose with our car, and from their perspective, they could not see the iPod in my lap. I rapidly flicked my finger across the screen and got a good score. I then looked up and saw several disgusted looks on the family parked in front of me. Then I realized I looked like I was furiously beating my meat like it owed me money in the passenger seat.
I held up my iPod to them, but this didn’t really help my case.
17. Jumping To Conclusions
Years ago, when I was in law school, I was out drinking with friends and realized I was out of cigs. One of my friends told me they had a vending machine at a gentlemen’s club a block away. I walked to the gentlemen’s club by myself, got my cigs, and left. As I was leaving, I heard someone call my name. I turned around and went white. It was one of the managing partners of the firm I was clerking at and her husband.
We just stared at each other until she finally asked what I was doing. My mind went completely blank and I literally just said “Uhh...” It was so uncomfortable! She finally told me she was out with her husband and they were going to a bar right door. I never knew which conclusion she jumped to because she never brought it up in the office, thank God.
18. History Buff
We were on a third-grade field trip to Roanoke. We had just learned about the lost colony of Roanoke and were heading down a path to a historical recreation site. There was a tree that had "Croatoan" carved into it. If you are familiar with the story of the lost colony of Roanoke, it makes sense that the people putting on the re-enactment would put it there.
Well, I was a little ahead of the group and passed the tree first. That's when the dumbest thing happened. One of my teachers called ahead to me and asked why I had done it. Like, she actually believed I carved it into the tree. There was a look on her face of annoyance, but also of hope that I had actually learned that detail from her. She took me aside and told me to not do that again.
19. Drinking Buddies
I went out drinking with a friend of mine; she and I were drinking buddies in college, and she usually drank me under the table. After several hours of steady drinking, I walked her back to her place, and she collapsed and I caught her before she hit her head, pulling my knee. I couldn’t pick her up and she started vomiting and talking nonsense, which I knew was bad.
I called her fiance, he showed up and we started getting her into the car as law enforcement pulled up. The scene the officer pulls up to was basically a wasted dude and a sober dude trying to load a blacked-out chick into a car; it was a good time explaining that. Turns out her new migraine medication messed up her tolerance, and we had to get her stomach pumped.
20. Shooting Blanks
When I was like 14 or so, my brother and I got really into paintball. So one weekend we were getting ready out in our driveway. I should mention we live in the middle of a cornfield and the corn was down at this time. This means you can see cars coming for miles down the road. So as I'm getting my paintball gun ready, I see my mom's green minivan coming down the road.
I decided to be funny and connect my C02 tank to my gun, but no paint, so it looks and sounds like it's firing, but it's just shooting blanks. As the green minivan approaches, I bolt down the driveway, screaming and firing blanks at the van. I then got the shock of my life. Simultaneously, the window rolls down and some lady who I have never seen before leans out her window.
I can only assume she was going to stop and ask for directions because once she realized a strange kid was maniacally yelling and shooting at her, she rolled up her window, screamed and slammed on the gas. And that was the last time I saw that woman ever. So somewhere out there, a woman who tried to stop and ask for directions in the middle of nowhere USA thinks she was almost attacked by a teenager.
21. The DJ And His Daughter
My friend’s father was a DJ and worked clubs sometimes. When she was 14–15ish, one Valentine's Day he wanted to spend the evening with her, but had a gig at a club. So, with permission from her mother/his ex-wife, he took his daughter with him to the club. She was all excited to go to a grown-up party and got herself all dressed up with sparkly makeup and flashy earrings, etc.
The gig went well but when they stopped by a diner for a snack afterward, the waitress saw a middle-aged man with a young teenager dressed up like an adult. It looked like he was a pimp working an underage girl, and the waitress called the authorities. My friend swears to this day she never saw her father so scared as when officers escorted her to another room to ask her if he was really her father. Luckily, she had her school ID to prove they have the same last name.
22. Bathroom Dermatology Appointment
One of my friends is a dermatologist, and I asked him to take a look at a birthmark on my lower back. It was at a rainy BBQ and we went to the bathroom for better lighting. I pulled my summer dress up and bent a bit over the sink so that there were no shadows on the region around the birthmark. At this moment, another friend opened the door. She made a weird noise and closed the door immediately. It took us a few seconds to understand why she reacted so weirdly.
23. A Relaxing Massage
I used to go to a pretty nice, higher-end place to get my hair done. I’m a male and used to see a female hairstylist who used to give me a hand massage while the conditioner was doing its thing on my scalp. This was great. But one day before I went in for my appointment, I wanted to put some chapstick on that I found in my hot truck.
When I opened the cap, the chapstick had liquified and spilled on my shorts right next to, you guessed it, my crotch. It dried super fast and had a waxy texture to it. I was like, “This isn’t ideal, but whatever” and I went in to get my haircut and didn’t think much of it. Well, when it came time for my shampoo/conditioner and hand massage everything went fine. Or so I thought.
I got back to the stylist’s chair and she took the hair cape thing off and saw the chapstick stain on my shorts. I saw her reaction and she looked mortified. I’m pretty sure she thought I got a little too excited when she gave me the hand massage. I was so embarrassed, I never went back.
24. Mistaken Identity
My ex-wife and I went shopping after a long day’s work. We were thinking of having Cobb salads but we didn't have the ingredients at home. I went to pick out the lettuce and sides and she went to pick out the meat. I like bacon bits in my Cobb salads, so I went to grab them. I walked back into the veggie aisle, where I saw my ex-wife perusing vegetables.
She had been wearing khaki pants, a red button-down, and work shoes. When I saw her, I walked up behind her and grabbed her butt. The woman turned on me. THIS WAS NOT MY WIFE. She was wearing similar clothes but this was most definitely not my wife and I had just massively insulted her, if not just committed a crime!
I apologized profusely and tried to explain. She believed none of it until my now ex-wife walked into the garden aisle wearing the exact same clothes. She had heard me apologizing and, to be funny, took her time. It was only when the woman whose butt I had grabbed saw that my ex-wife was wearing the exact clothing that she relented. My ex still tells that story to her friends. Awkward.
25. Spilling The Tea
My step-brother’s girlfriend came over to my house when he had gone to go buy something for her, so it was only me and this girlfriend. I started making tea for her since I felt bad letting her stand there, and while I was pouring in the water she stood next to me and watched me make the tea. Me being me, I didn’t realize that she was there.
When I turned around to put the kettle back, I jumped and spilled some of the water on her shirt. I bent down and started trying to clean it off her top before it started to burn, but she kept smacking my hand telling me that it’s fine. And then the expected happened. My brother came back, and from his angle, considering the position we were in, it all looked VERY questionable.
We all just kinda stared at each other for a while. Now he always makes jokes that I’m trying to seduce his girlfriend.
26. Privates Need Their Privacy
When I was in basic training for the Army, this one other guy and I would always accompany each other to poop since the food went right through both of us. After a couple of weeks of this, we started making jokes about it. When we were out at one of the weapon ranges, we would poop right next to each other in an outhouse that smelled like straight ammonium.
There were no stalls and nothing between the seats. So to mess with some of the other guys, we would also hold hands when we heard someone walk up to make it as comically awkward as possible. Cue the day in question, where we did this when we heard someone walking up. The guy opened the door...and it’s one of our drill sergeants.
The guy looked at the two of us and walked out. He yelled from outside for us to hurry up, while audibly judging us. After we left that outhouse, he never mentioned it to us again. But I could always see him silently judging us for the rest of our cycle.
27. Hazards Of The Job
I like to do woodturning and general carpentry as a hobby. I bought a pairing tool and had it delivered to my work. A pairing tool essentially looks like a machete but isn’t sharp. You use a pointed end of the “blade” vertically to grind against the wood you're turning — the angle of the point is what essentially removes the wood and allows you to “cut” (or pair) through the piece you’ve been working on.
This thing arrived, and I pulled it out of the packaging. I was playing with it, feeling the weight and spinning it between my fingers when a colleague noticed, and went white as a sheet. From where they sat over at the other side of the room, and all they could see was a large knife-like thing being casually played with by a co-worker.
I noticed and had to start explaining very quickly what it was and how it wasn’t dangerous.
28. A Real Pain
I'm in university. I had just moved into a new dorm, sixth floor, no elevator. I was expecting some mail, but my name wasn't on the letterbox downstairs yet, so I taped a nameplate on it. Every day, somebody would rip off the plate, so I had to walk all the way up, get tape and scissors, and walk down again. It was, as you would expect, a real pain.
On day seven, I was wearing a dark hoodie and I came home to see the sign ripped off once more. I was super annoyed, stormed up the stairs, grabbing tape and scissors, and ran down. A girl opened the front door and saw me running towards her with an angry expression on my face, a roll of duct tape, and a pair of scissors. She turned on her heels and ran off into the dark.
29. First Aid
I was lucky enough to get a post-grad scholarship to travel to the USA for a field course in New Mexico. Before I left, my mum gave me a first aid kit, which was a little strange, but I thought nothing of it and packed it with my stuff. After a week or so, one of the other students cut themselves quite badly. I jumped into action and grabbed my handy first aid kit.
I noticed it was quite tightly packed as I opened it in front of the other students and professors. Its contents embarrassed me forever. As I unzipped it, dozens and dozens of rubbers burst from the kit and went everywhere; they were like one of those snakes-in-a-can. I stood there aghast and tried to gather all the prophylactics while trying to convince everyone that my mother had packed the first aid kit for me.
This was a very hard sell, seeing as I was 24 at the time. For context, my mum is a midwife and one of the roles of her job is promoting contraception in the community. I have to say that some of them came in useful in the end, so shout out to mum!
30. Shady Dealings
It was my friend’s birthday and he was turning 16, which is the age of consent in my country. At the time, he was dating someone who was allergic to latex, and a lot of jokes had been made about this. So as a joke gift, my best friend and I bought him cling film. I bought the cling film and wrapped it, and arranged to meet him before school so we could deliver our friend the present “from both of us.”
However, his mom read his text messages, and at the time she didn’t know who I was as we hadn’t been friends for too long. As a result, she thought that we were arranging a drug deal for some reason. So that morning when we met before school I handed him the cling film, and to prove to his mom that we weren’t doing a drug deal, I had to take a photo of him with the cling film.
Everything with the joke gift went smoothly (I even bought him a real present as I’m not that horrible), but his mom thought we PHOTOSHOPPED the image and didn’t believe us. For a while after that, she still thought I was a dealer until she met me and realized I am in fact just a socially awkward teenager. It still gets bought up to this day and makes us both laugh now and again.
31. Our Secret
I am an American and I was in Iceland for the first time. I was traveling solo and doing typical tourist stuff. I was 35 years old (male) at the time. I went to a popular hot spring very early in the morning to avoid the tourist rush. You are required to shower undressed prior to going into the hot spring, so it was extremely cold and I was showering per the rules when this young boy around eight years old ran to the shower area.
He did a half-a-second shower, then he readied himself to sprint towards the exit to the hot spring, probably in an attempt to stay in the cold as little as possible. He inevitably falls on his face right in front of me. There was absolutely nobody else in the showers and I instinctually went to him to see if he was okay. He banged his head and had a bad scrape on his leg.
I helped him up. He seemed very startled and embarrassed, so I leaned down to eye level and said, “It’s okay. Nobody but me saw and I won’t say a thing. It will be our secret, bud.” As I was saying this I saw him glance over my shoulder and I turned my head around to see two adult males staring at me with very confused looks.
I was about to explain what had just happened but I just promised the kid I would keep it a secret. I just waved and left.
32. The Mistaken Wrapper
When I was still young and married to my ex, we had a small party in our apartment. A couple of days later, I spotted a condom wrapper on the floor under the couch. I decided to leave it there until I figured out how gross it was. So, I called my husband's cousin, the only person who slept in the living room, to ask who she slept with.
She swore up and down she didn't get with anyone, and I couldn’t think of who else it could have been. So of course my crazy brain jumps straight to thinking that my ex was cheating on me on my own couch! The wrapper is still sitting there untouched and I'm FUMING waiting for my ex to get home. He comes in and I ask him who he's sleeping with.
Of course, he's completely caught off guard and I'm like oh yeah act like you don't know what I'm talking about when there's a condom wrapper right there! I pointed, he picked it up, and I saw what it really was. It was a ramen noodle flavor packet. I apologized a lot that night.
33. Disposing Of The Body
I grew up in a rural town. One night, sitting at home having a few too many drinks, my brother calls me and tells me he hit a deer driving home from work. He says he's got it in his trunk and wants help gutting, skinning, and butchering it. As I'd gone deer hunting once before, and he hadn't, he asked my help. Plus, I'm a girl who likes her knives.
So I go over and spend a few hours hanging and breaking down the deer so its meat won't go to waste. We had finished with the meat, had a few beers, and had the inedible bits—head, spine, legs, etc.—left over. Now again, we lived in a rural town, and my family had a few acres of land. You don't bury a deer, so we drag the remains into the woods for critters to pick clean.
We're walking out of the woods a bit later, and it's pitch black out. I'm still wearing my bloody rubber gloves; there’s blood on my grungy, muddy clothes; and I’m still tipsy. As the woods open up around us, a spotlight falls on my brother and me. Someone had called law enforcement about some people dragging something into the woods.
My brother goes to explain, and I was absolutely no help because I couldn't stop laughing. I'm guessing the office checked reports on the accident that did in the deer, because it wasn't long before he drove off. But I'll never forget trudging out of the woods, covered in blood, smelling of booze, after having just disposed of an (albeit non-human) corpse, and facing a spotlight.
34. High Times
When I was living in my first apartment after college with a few of my friends, one of my roommates gave us a heads up that his mom was coming over after work the next day. The next day, I got home from work exhausted, totally forgot about his mom visiting, laid down on the couch. and passed out. I wear contacts, and when I sleep in them I tend to wake up with very red, glassy eyes.
Anyway, I wake up to the sound of the door opening and my roommate and his mom, who I’d never met, walk in. I pick my head up, confused and sleepy, and they find me very out of it on the couch with red eyes. Needless to say, his mom was like, "Wow so you guys are potheads, huh?" She was cool about it, but I tried so hard to convince her I wasn't high and she fully did not believe me.
It was very funny in retrospect, but at the time I was mortified at that being her first impression.
35. A Loving Father
When I was 17 (male), I had a male friend over from school. We could drive at that point, so I dropped him off at his house down the road late that night after my parents had gone to bed. The following morning, I came downstairs really early to pee and was naked. My dad was up and saw me so I rushed through to the bathroom and back.
When I finally got up for the day a few hours later, I found my dad sitting at the table waiting for me. His speech floored me. Apparently, he thought my friend and I were gay and that he'd spent the night with me. He told me he had a rough morning coming to terms with that but was ready to talk calmly with me. I broke into laughter and told him the true story.
It's only now, nearly 20 years later, that I realize I'm sad that that's one of the more open-minded stories out there from parents to their kids who actually are gay. I feel a little more loved by my dad now I think back on that.
36. Stealing His Girl
In my freshman year, I forgot my belt at my best friend’s house. She returned it to me at school the next day by wearing it. This was primarily for comedic effect; I was super skinny in 9th grade and she was on the larger side. I started to grab it straight off of her instead of waiting for her to take it off and hand it to me. That sounds a little weird, but we thought it was really funny at age 14.
This was going down right in front of the bathrooms. We had gotten out of class a little bit early so the hallways were still fairly clear. Except, the boy she had a crush on at the time happened to be going toward the bathrooms just in time to see me apparently starting to take my best friend’s pants off. The two of them are getting married now though, so it all turned out okay.
37. Fun With Knives
I was 12 and I was practicing throwing my knife down at the creek in our neighborhood at dusk. When it got dark, it was time for me to go home. Nobody was around and I only lived a few blocks away, so I was running home. I also didn't have a sheath, so I had my knife out in my hand with the blade pointed down and away from me, serial killer style.
I saw a jogger who in the faint streetlight looked like a friend of mine. This friend lived in the neighborhood around the corner from me, so it was feasible that it was my friend out for a run. I sped up to catch up to her and went, “Hey, Nicky,” and she took one look at me, this adult-sized guy who was rapidly sprinting at her in the dark holding a BIG knife and went “NO!” set the speed to 11, and just BOLTED.
I went, “Hey wait!” and went to catch up before I realized what it looked like. Put the knife in my pocket and went straight home. She had to have been absolutely terrified. So there’s that.
38. Selfie Photoshoot
One day I randomly thought, “I’ve never sent a down-there pic. I wonder if there is a good angle, lighting, or pose that makes my junk photogenic.” After about an hour of multiple poses, lighting styles, and all sorts of angles, I finally said “no.” I deleted what I thought was all of them. My wife called me while I was deleting the last one and said, “Hey, I need you to do something right now.”
So I put my phone down and forgot about it. My mind quickly left that wasted hour, secure in the knowledge that my wang is not photogenic and there is nothing I can do about it. About a month later, my wife walked into our shared office and said, “Who were you sending these pics to?!?!?” I quickly muted my mic and responded with a very confused “What?”
She then explained that she was downstairs watching TV, had dozed off, and had woken up to the slideshow of a shared photo album, which I was still a part of and which I had a pic autoshared to.
39. Weird Flex
I work for a news station. We were shooting a news promo at our house, which I mentioned to my wife the night before and she was cool with it. We used to shoot stuff there because I have a pool and it is close to the TV station. The next day, we all showed up to shoot it and my wife’s out shopping or at an apartment; I can't recall exactly which one it was. It really couldn't have gotten more awkward.
So the promo is two ladies schedule the pool boy to come by. One says, "It's gonna rain, why'd you schedule him today?" The other says, "Just wait..." It starts raining and the pool guy takes off his shirt and he's kinda muscly with a wet T-shirt kinda vibe, and the ladies smile at each other and clink their coffee cups together. It was a promo for the accuracy of our meteorologist.
My wife and mom come in the backyard returning from shopping to see me and the two other guys shooting this. I've got the hose spraying it up in the air wetting him down and the other guy is walking around shooting him, saying, "Aww yeah, now flex some more!" He's taking his shirt off, flexing, kissing his biceps, doing over-the-top stuff like that.
I turn around and my wife and mother have just walked through the gate and are looking at us open-mouthed. They both just shake their heads and walk inside. I'm literally, "It's not what it looks like!"
40. I’m Calling To Report A Dangerous Tickle Fight
When I was in high school, I was skipping class at a friend's house. Somehow we ended up getting out his elementary school yearbook, and he was adamant that he didn't want us to see his photo. We were struggling to get the yearbook from him, but he was able to get the yearbook under the couch and sit on top. That wasn't going to stop us, so we tried to lift the couch with him in it.
Everyone was giving it their all, lots of yelling and screaming. Well, at the same time a church group was going door to door. They heard the commotion, and they must have assumed that someone was getting attacked in the house, so they called the authorities. We were only a few streets from their headquarters, so I guess the entire force decided they wanted to respond.
When law enforcement showed up, we had him pinned down on the couch tickling him. They heard what was going down, and immediately started to try to kick down the door. All the fun immediately stopped, we had to explain the whole situation. Because they brought out the entire cavalry, they weren't just going to leave without a thorough investigation.
They made us sit on the floor while officers swarmed my friend's house. Disappointed, they scolded us about making noise and left. It was hilarious.
41. DIY Solutions
In college, I lived in a big four-bedroom house with roommates, one of whom's parents were visiting that summer from Louisiana and were staying in his room, which shared a bathroom with my room. One of the nights that week, I had come home late, was absolutely dripping with sweat, and dealing with a bad case of poison ivy as well.
I started tending to it that night when I got home after stripping down. I want to be upfront here: I realize that what I'm about to type is stupid, but...What can I say? What’s done is done. I started applying some calamine lotion. I then realized I was going to get it all over my sheets, so I figured, "Well, if I wrap my legs in toilet paper, it'll kind of seal it in there and might work better."
So, I grab a roll of toilet paper and get to work sort of mummifying my legs. That's when I realize that I don't have a great way to keep the toilet paper on. I think, “Rubber bands? Thread? Rope?" I have none of those things at hand. What I do have plenty of, as an electronics hobbyist, are AC adapters and various plugs. So, I go back to work, testing out this method.
It's probably 1 a.m. or so at this point. That's when I hear someone at my bathroom door and I look up and make eye contact with my housemate's mom. She’s just staring at me in my underwear, wrapped in toilet paper and tying cords around my legs. I have no idea what it looked like to her. It can't have been what it was, though.
42. Suck Me Beautiful
My girlfriend at the time and I were laying on my mom's pull-out sofa after visiting for the weekend. We had just watched a movie with the line "suck me beautiful" in it. I think it was American Pie or something like that, and my sister hadn't seen it yet and she got up to go to the bathroom super early in the morning.
Well, we were already awake and I jokingly said, "Suck me beautiful" to my girlfriend and all I heard from the other room was, "You better not!" That girlfriend is now my wife and my sister still teases me about it almost a decade later.
43. Empty Wallet
When I was 16, I was tutoring and babysitting these kids. Their dad came home with groceries and set his wallet on the counter. As their dad was going up and down getting groceries, one of the younger ones was pulling everything out of his wallet. One of them alerted me and I managed to quickly get everything on the counter. Right as I was setting the wallet down, their dad comes in and sees me holding his empty wallet and all his cash and cards in front of me. I panicked but he shook his head and knew his kid did that.
44. It Was Just A Gag
I was a theater kid in high school, and I had a scene where I had to tie a girl to a chair with a specific knot so it looked real, but could be undone super fast by her just tugging something and it all coming undone. Anyway, I'm practicing the knot with her in the classroom during an off period so I could get it right. Cue the gym teacher walking into the room to ask the theater teacher something...and seeing a girl gagged and getting tied to a chair while we were the only two in the theater classroom. Fun times.
45. We Have Cameras In Here!
When you cook professionally you run into rampant cases of monkey butt. A well-known way to avoid this is to throw some cornstarch on your bits and pieces. We kept a box of cornstarch in the office solely for this purpose. I was applying some cornstarch to my balls when a very attractive female manager walked into the office.
I know it must have looked horrible from her perspective. My back was to the door, my hand was clearly down my pants, and I was making a circular movement. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING," she said, "WE HAVE CAMERAS IN HERE." I turned around, trying to explain, saying, “uhhhhhhhhhhh,” and all she said was, "I don't want to know."
46. Tech Support
I work in tech. One day, my HR lady called me over to her office to help fix a desktop issue. I said, "I'll get one of my Tier 1 guys to come over." She said "Well, can't you just do this for me real quick?" I said, "You know what, why not?" She has her desktop on the ground right by her feet. It turns out that her ethernet cord wasn't plugged into her PC.
I should also mention that it was a spring day and she has crazy allergies. I told her, "I need to get underneath your desk to get to the back of your PC." She said, "No worries, I'll be right here." She didn’t get out of her chair but instead moved aside just enough for me to crawl in there. She has Visine in her hands and as I'm working through the rat's nest of cables, she's placing eye drops in her eyes and her head rolls back so the tears don't fall onto her skirt.
She sort of makes an audible "Awww yeah" as the Visine is being absorbed. In walks my boss just as she's saying "Awww yeah" with her head rolled back in her chair and me standing back up after being, what seems like, between her legs. My boss says "You two could've at least closed this door." I said, "It's not what it looks like" as he walked about closing the door.
47. Paid In Cash
My dad helped me out by leasing a car for me. He wasn’t techy (transferring money into his account wasn’t an option), so I always paid him in cash for the car payment. We would meet up to have dinner in a restaurant and I would give him my car payment. Well, this one time, I got to the restaurant and had to go to the bathroom.
After peeing, I went to wash my hands and decided to double-check my money to make sure I had the right amount of cash. As I was counting 400 in twenties, a guy walks into the bathroom, looks at me, and runs out! I thought, "How embarrassing, walking into the women’s restroom." Then he proceeds to walk in again, passing me awkwardly. I suddenly realize I’m in the men’s room, counting CASH!!!
48. Blood Brothers
I'm heading home one night really tired. An officer pulls me over and asks if I know why he stopped me. Oblivious, I say no, and he tells me I have a large streak of blood down my face. I then say the worst thing possible."It's okay, officer, it's not my blood!" Yeah. Don't say that to law enforcement. He then asks me to open the back of my car.
My response? "Ooh um ok but don't freak out." I was tired ok?? See, in the back seat of my car were a few lumpy black bin bags and a bit more blood. I was almost in an awful lot of trouble, until I showed him the box in the backseat that contained my Harris hawk. It was enough to convince him I was a falconer, and that the bin bags contained a few months' supply of frozen food for my bird.
The blood on my face was because my hawk liked to "preen" me after he'd finished eating. The officer took some photos with me and my hawk then let us go, but God that almost went very, very wrong.
49. Dummy In Danger
I heard this story from a health and safety trainer. He goes on the road a lot, up and down the country. One day he’s at a gas station, and goes to grab something out of his trunk. As he does this, two old people walk past with worried faces. He thinks nothing of it and carries on his journey. As he’s going down the motorway, he noticed a patrol car a few cars back, again thinking nothing of it.
Then an unmarked patrol car swerves in front of him, and speeds up to pull him over. He stops and is immediately pulled out of the car by armed officers and held at gunpoint. The officers go straight to the trunk, open it, and burst out with laughter. Turns out when that old couple walked past earlier they spotted the child training dummy and thought it was real, so they reported it.
50. Gag Gift Gone Wrong
So when my friend got his apartment, I decided to give him an electronic photo frame as a gift, you know the ones where you can upload pictures and make a slideshow out of it. I uploaded pictures of our vacations together and other friendship pictures on it first. Then I got the idea to make and download a couple of NSFW pictures on there, which he wouldn't notice first since they would be so few and scattered. Yeah, this backfired big time.
Anyhow, a couple of weeks later another friend and I were chilling together and she said she'd be happy to help me make a tinder profile, so I gave her my phone while I made some food or something. We continued to talk while she scrolled through my Phone, and as she got quieter and quieter I started to realize what she was seeing.
There were pictures from racy films and pictures of me half-undressed with "blood" running down my face. So I turned to her in panic and went something like, "Oh my god, it's not what you think. I was pranking my friend, I'm not that weird! Please believe me!" She is still my friend so I guess she believed me.