You don’t meet them every day, but when you do you know you’re in for a ride. I’m talking about clueless people that seem to have skipped life’s basic training and come up with the most outrageously stupid comments and beliefs. While these stories are often hopelessly tragic, they also celebrate the naive, the uniformed, and the just plain dumb.
1. Reach For the Moon
I was moving my wife down to Texas after I’d gotten settled with the job and apartment. She took pictures the whole way. In West Texas, it was super flat, and the moon was barely above the horizon in front of us. It was beautiful so I asked her to take some pics. She pulled out the camera, took a pic or two, and put it away.
I asked if she got a good pic. She said no, it was blurry. So I asked why she didn’t take more to get a good one. Her response was legendary. She told me she was waiting until we drove closer to the moon to get a better picture. She literally thought since the moon was above the road in front of us, we would drive closer to it for a better picture.
2. Jumpman, Jumpman, That Boy’s Up To Something…Stupid
I work at a sports store and we get a lot of crazy and stupid requests. But I think the dumbest person I ever met was a customer who wanted to buy a pair of Jordan Bred 11s. This guy was after a discount. He really thought he did something. So, he found a couple of coupons and decided he should be able to combine them and get a really good deal.
One of these coupons was a printout of a 70% off clearance promotion from Nike’s website and the other was a 20% off coupon from Payless that expired in 2017. He wanted 90% off with these coupons. I’ve never been more confused, frustrated, and exasperated than I was during the 10-minute interaction where myself, two managers, and a customer tried to explain to this man why this wasn’t going to happen.
3. This Training Got Derailed
I was put in charge of training a girl at a coffee shop I worked at. This girl was beyond simple and it was amazing the simple things I had to explain to her. She didn’t know how to make coffee, I literally had to tell her “Okay, now pour the coffee in until it reaches this line, no, pour it slower, don’t dump the whole pot over the cup.”
When trying to train her on the register I don’t know if she couldn’t count, or just refused to. A total would be $5.98 and she’d tell the person it was $6, when people gave her anything but bills she’d stare at the change and ask me how much that was or she’d say, “That’s $2 right?” And there’d be like 50¢ on the counter in dimes and pennies.
I tried training her on the sandwich station, she would pack the food frozen into the bags and just hand it out. On her breaks, I’d have to constantly remind her that 15 minutes means 15 minutes, not 20, not 30, not an hour. We were allowed to have food at work for free within reason and only in the back. She would reach into the pastry case with her bare hand, pick up an item and just eat it at the register or right next to the case.
There was a lot more she’d do wrong and it got to the point where I thought she was trying to purposefully get fired.
4. Please Define Me
I remember when I was in college there was a period where there were certain types of people who love giving themselves labels. These people were really into defining themselves and being part of a group that defines themselves in the same way. I always thought it was kind of annoying, but this person went above and beyond anyone else.
This woman Sally decided that she would stop eating red meat. This is of course fine, but she couldn’t leave it at that. She called herself a vegetarian, and she went around for days telling people this. “But you still eat pork and chicken and fish?” “Yes.” Yeah, quick rule: if you’re eating something with eyeballs, you’re not a vegetarian.
5. Not Only Venice Is Sinking
My former boss was worried that the island of Manhattan would sink with all the extra visitors for New Year’s and the ball dropping. She thought islands float, and when she found out that wasn’t true she thought it was so funny that she told everyone the story. She was later fired for withholding a pay raise from someone on her team because he didn’t accept her romantic advances. He had the texts to prove it.
6. Aliens Abducted Her Brain
She was my first girlfriend, and we were about 20 years old. I showed her one of those newspapers at the time that had made up stories about alien abductions etc., I think it was the Weekly World News. One of the headlines was “Belgium Destroyed By Giant Asteroid And No One Noticed For Two Months.” She thought it was real. I couldn’t believe it.
7. The Birds, The Bees, And The Dolphins?
This is about my ex-girlfriend who was nice…but not too bright. I was thinking out loud and just asked the question: “I wonder how dolphins procreate.” She thought for a moment and said, with conviction, “There aren’t boy dolphins and girl dolphins. They’re just dolphins.” You know, like magical. And then she argues with me about it for two hours.
8. No Fixed Address
I work at a call center and get a lot of calls from crazy people but sometimes it just seems they are ignorant. For months, I’ve been dealing with a client who doesn’t get their bills. Every month, they call and ask where their bill is. We confirm their address and the expected arrival date, I manually generate a new invoice, and send it over. When we finally figured out the problem, I had no choice but to facepalm.
Today, when confirming the address for like the sixth time, they said “Oh, no, that’s not my town or zip” and submitted an address change. How can you not know where you live?
9. She’s Got A License To Print Money
I worked at a bank for a (blessedly) short time. While most people are pretty normal and boring, of course, lots of other people have crazy ideas about banking and some of them are hilarious. For example, I had a 60-year-old woman who asked, “What do you mean my account balance is negative?? I still have checks, so I still have money!”
10. A Special Kind Of Dumb
Let me tell you about this woman that my uncle dated for a while. She was really a special kind of dumb. I’m just gonna go ahead and list the top three that I can remember, but I’m almost certain there’s more. These stories were all told to me years later as I wasn’t around at the time. It’s a running joke between some family members.
The first two examples of her stupidity are about food. This woman somehow got it into her head that pork chops came from horses. I’m not sure where that came from, I guess the word pork wasn’t enough of a clue. She went grocery shopping once and assumed that whatever number of chicken legs came in a pack was how many legs that chicken must have had.
She met a guy who had lost a portion of his ear in some kind of accident. Upon meeting she just asked him with no class at all: “Hey, what happened to your ear?” His response: “I turned my head too fast and bit my earlobe off.” She was totally cool with that answer. There was also something to do with a moose, but I can’t remember the specifics on that.
11. Full Moon, Empty Brain
I’m thinking about a dumb friend from high school. He was insistent that the moon and the sun are always opposite of each other. And like I didn’t know how to explain it any more simply than I already had so I just looked up hoping the moon would be visible from where we were sitting. Sure enough, it was. I was like look, dude, it’s right there.
He said that wasn’t the moon. So I asked him what it was then. He was confused for a second and then said that it couldn’t be the moon because the sun was out. I had to get a teacher to back me up before he’d believe me. She looked like she was gonna cry at the glaring stupidity. Like, it causes me pain just thinking about it.
12. Spine Cow Anyone?
A friend of mine’s partner said she was vegan. Another friend jokingly said, “You’re not vegan, you eat corn on the cob, which is actually the spine of a cow.” Her reaction was incredible. The vegan started crying about how much she loved eating cow spine and was really upset, with genuine tears of sorrow at how she wasn’t a vegan at all.
From that day forth, corn was known as cow spine on the cob and their relationship didn’t last for too long, probably a week after she asked why Mel Gibson didn’t just phone the English King to negotiate in Braveheart…..
13. This Kid Rubbed Me The Wrong Way
As a veteran special education teacher, I have had my fair share of kids and families who just didn’t get it. Let’s just say for some students I wondered what the heck was happening. I only had to meet the parents and it all became abundantly clear. My worst example was a student, sixth-grader, who would “rub” himself in class. At his desk…all the time.
My male teaching assistant and I both took him aside on multiple occasions and explained how that was not appropriate to do in class or around other people. He acted like he didn’t know what we were talking about every single time. So I called a meeting with his mom, the principal (who we had reported this to), the school counselor, and me.
So the mom shows up in sweats, bathrobe, and slippers. Hey, I have no judgments. I explain my concerns, how his behavior was making the other kids uncomfortable, and how inappropriate said behavior is. The counselor offered to find therapy services, etc., etc. The student’s mom was quiet for a while, then she gave us her disturbing answer. She said, “Well I never thought anything about it, his dad sits around all day rubbing himself. Don’t bother none of us.”
These are things teachers face, more often than you think. It was also a wasted DHS call because nothing was done.
14. It’s Time For Some Change
During college, I worked at a 7/11 for a few months and one time had to train a girl to use the register. A customer comes in and everything goes well until this girl has to give the customer change. The cash register told her how much the change was. It wasn’t like the old days where you had to figure it out yourself. Just read the number on the screen.
But this girl is just looking at me very confused. I can’t imagine what she’s thinking. It turns out the girl just didn’t know how to count coins. The cash register said 43 cents and she turns to me and asks me what coins and how many of them make 43 cents. The customer and I look at each other, but we don’t say a single thing.
15. She Blind Sided The Blind
I remember in fourth grade we had motivational speakers come in to talk to us. Some of them were pretty cool. Once we had a speaker who was completely blind since birth. At the end, they had time for questions and a girl put her hand up and timidly asked a question. She wanted to know why the blind speaker didn’t just wear super thick glasses.
When the blind speaker politely replied that they couldn’t see ANYTHING AT ALL, so that there would be nothing to magnify, the girl was still not satisfied. She suggested SUPER thick glasses. We were only in fourth grade, but we all were looking at her like holy cow how do you not get this. The blind dude just shook his head.
16. Alleged Dognapping
So, this happened to me about two weeks ago. I was on a walk with my dog and when I came back I saw two people standing at the corner in front of us with a dog that wasn’t on a leash. I decided not to risk anything, like the other dog attacking mine due to aggression or fear, and wanted to go home through our back gate.
Now, the gate has been a bit broken for some time but that day, I couldn’t even turn the key in the lock. It was completely rusted away. So I thought I’d just lift my dog over the gate and go around the corner and enter through the front gate. Those two people were watching me the whole time and after I passed them, they were gone.
So, I went home, walked through my garden to the back gate, where my dog always sat and watched the people who passed by. The two idiots were coming towards the gate and looked at my dog—probably to see if it was the same dog. They started whispering about whether it was the same dog as before, and about calling the authorities on me.
It turns out they thought I had either taken the dog of another person or abandoned my own dog. So I stepped in and took a look outside. They didn’t know I was there this whole time and when they left, one of them said: “Yeah, I think she might live here.” I’m still laughing about this and trying to imagine what they were thinking.
That I’d kidnap a dog to take him for a walk, then bring him back, or that I’d abandon him in someone’s garden?! Also, if I were to kidnap a dog, why would I do it if there are two people watching me? That was really weird.
17. But I’m Not Even Greek
I used to work in a warehouse where we would put together computer systems. There was this guy that worked there called Randy. I guess he wasn’t that smart, because when he heard my name was Tracy, Randy looked at me with the most serious expression and asked me the following question: “Is your name, Tracy, short for something?”
I said, “Hmm…well Randy, do you have any idea what Tracy could be short for?” He thinks really hard and guesses, “Tracy-opolis.” He thinks it might be short for a Greek name. On my gravestone, it will say: “Here lies Tracy (short for Tracy-opolis).”
18. Reduce, Recycle, Retrash
Because I’m worried about the environment, I hate using plastic bags at the store, so I asked the grocery bagger at the store to stop bagging my things. There were just two products, salt and sugar, and I could carry them to my car without a bag. She said cool, proceeded to remove my items from the bag, and trash the bag anyway.
19. His Brain’s On Auto-Pilot
My uncle told us about a guy he worked with. This guy buys a nice, new car. The car comes with cruise control and a built-in GPS. The guy wrecks the new car. How? Apparently, he typed in an address and set the cruise control. He thought that he didn’t have to drive after setting in where he wanted to go, the car would just take him where he wanted to go.
20. Nothing Between The Ears
This is a true story about a kid in my neighborhood. Someone must have told him that if he shone a flashlight in one ear, that light would come out the other ear. He didn’t know I was looking. He held a flashlight to one ear and his open palm at the other. He turned on the light and tried to turn his head real fast to see his palm. He did this several times. Never caught the light. I was in awe at his stupidity.
21. Traveling At The Speed Of Dumb
When I was in middle school, some kids were having a heated philosophical debate about what the “speed of dark” was. Like, when you turn off the light in the room, what is the speed at which the dark overtakes the room? Being a stupid kid of the same age, I didn’t have the sense to just not get involved and tried to explain no such thing existed.
And these kids were bugging me saying “What the heck, this guy doesn’t even know about the concept of speed of dark.” So, a few weeks later the teachers had to formally request the chief speed of dark proponent’s “self-employed” father stop showing up at the classrooms to give the students “intellectual lectures.” That felt good.
22. Rocks For Brains
A girl in my high school history class thought Mount Rushmore naturally grew like that.
23. He Got In Hot Water—Twice!
I had an old roommate who didn’t seem to know a lot about some pretty simple things. One time, he put an electric kettle made of plastic on the stove. I came upstairs to find black smoke everywhere and a completely melted kettle. I threw it in the trash and yelled at him for nearly burning the house down. It has a cord sticking out of it and everything.
An hour later I came back upstairs and what I saw made my blood run cold. He was doing the same thing. The idiot had gone through the trash, got what was left of the burnt kettle, filled it with water and put it back on the stove. I get the first time if he’s never seen an electric kettle before but a second time? With the same kettle? A melted kettle?
24. You Do The Math
I’m a teacher and I’m used to kids not getting things, but this was an extreme example. I once had a student complain that her grade changed every time I marked a new assignment. You see, I use a total points system. This means that I put the points earned over the total number of points available and you get a percent. So yeah, her grade would change every time.
I explained this to her and said “Yes, it will change every time because the numerator and denominator are changing every time I grade something; that’s how math works.” The student looked at me with her dull eyes and told me that she knew how to do math. I just looked at her and replied: “I don’t think you do, or we wouldn’t be having this conversation”
25. The U.S Of What?
I met a dude during my sophomore year of college and he was not only really dumb but also not that ashamed of it. I was telling him this story about the dumbest person I had ever met up to that point in my life. After listening to my story he thought about it for a bit and then responded with words I will never forget.
He said: “Well.. that’s understandable though, because up until last year I didn’t know the US and the United States were the same thing.” This guy went to college in the US and again, this was our sophomore year. The dude was a 19-year-old full-blooded American.
26. She Should Major In Counting
When I was in middle school (like age 12-14-ish), we went to the local college. I stopped by the college bookstore and bought a pack of gum. The gum was like $0.96 after tax. The clerk, a college-age girl, entered the gum in the cash register, and I gave her a dollar for the gum. She proceeded to count out $0.96 in change to me.
I was so embarrassed for the girl, I didn’t dare say anything, so I took the money and left. But later I felt bad and thought she might get into some kind of trouble with her boss, so I went back and asked her if maybe the gum cost $0.96 and she only owed me $0.04 in change. I mean, kinda hard to judge a person for one interaction.
Maybe she was thinking hard about quantum mechanics and just couldn’t devote enough mental energy to the Gum-Dollar Exchange Deficit Function. But it definitely lowered my opinion of college students at the time.
27. Crispy, Creamy And Crude
We’re coming home from dinner for someone’s birthday, and on the way home, Person A wanted to pick up doughnuts for something the next day. Afterward, the topic of Krispy Kreme came up. Then, Person B brings up that Krispy Kreme is owned by the same company as Panera…and, get this, Playboy. Apparently, they got this information from a third-party site that also thinks that the virus is a scam. And that’s not even the worst part.
Person A immediately believes this. No backup, no proof, literally just, “Panera and Krispy Kreme are owned by the same people as Playboy.” It makes no sense. Person A also thought that if you drink water, it would wash the virus out of your throat and into your stomach fluids.
28. Mama Wants Ink
I was getting the outline of my new tattoo the other day. While I was getting it, a woman walked in with her baby. The tattoo artist tells her that they can’t have babies in there. The woman complains and points out that the baby is safely in its car seat. Why can’t they stay? The artist insists that the woman leave the store.
But this woman isn’t giving up that easily. She complains that someone on the phone should have told her that babies aren’t allowed in the store. Like how does she think someone on the phone would know that she had a baby? The tattoo artist is having none of it and starting to get annoyed. He again asks her to go outside.
The woman then changes her tactic. She asks the tattoo artist to get started while she calls for someone to come and pick up the baby. The tattoo artist then loses it and tells her to go outside and no he cannot extend her appointment time. He basically wants to get rid of her. The woman then says “Fine, I’ll wait in the car, but this is ridiculous! She’s not hurting anything!”
29. Her Brain Was Neither Big Nor Good
A classmate named Rebecca had many instances of just jaw-dropping idiocy. Here are two of my favorites. After listening to a presentation on why a pool hall would be a great addition to a bar, she said, “That’s great and everything, but where’s the pool?” Then, another time, she was reading her paper on recognizable structures out loud and said, “The Parthenon is important. Because it is big and it is good.”
I think it’s the confidence behind anything she said that just made it hard to overlook the ignorance.
30. Inching Closer To Stupidity
I worked at a sign-making place. We had an order for bespoke name signs for doors, but the size stated on the order form was 7mm. The sign makers assumed they meant 7 inches so made them to that size. the customer called kicking off, his signs were not the right size and they wanted them exactly as stated on the order form. Fine, 7mm signs coming up.
Our sign makers queried this several times but eventually agreed to make them. The customer called again, kicking off, going absolutely spare, yelling “How can you think anyone would want signs this small?” etc. I read out the order form which referred back to their complaint about 7 inches not being right and being adamant that we make them to the exact size mentioned on the order form.
The customer then proceeds to argue about the size they requested and I had to ask the customer to get a ruler and look at the “mm” and measure 7mm, and she still argued saying I was wrong. Obviously arguing about how big a millimeter is attracted laughs from around the office and I ended up having a crowd around me trying to listen in as this person screamed at me.
It ended up escalating to my manager, who refused to refund the signs or remake, and told them if they wanted them a different size they’d have to put in a new order, then hung up.
31. Her Head Was In The Clouds
There was a girl I used to work with in a call center who was pretty naïve…well, that’s a nice word for her. She used to ask me stuff like “Why do trees grow upwards?” or “The sun goes around the earth doesn’t it?” Then one day she asked me “Does the earth spin and clouds stay still, or does the earth stay still and the clouds move?” I miss you, Ria!
32. Seasonal Meats
A friend of mine from college introduced a new friend to our group, someone she knew from high school. This friend was…special. She was a very nice person but she was as dumb as a box of rocks AND thought every man wanted to get with her (they didn’t). We didn’t really get to know how special this girl was until we took a weekend trip with her.
It was a very long drive where we found out that she had flunked her driver’s test repeatedly. She said the written test was very difficult. The best part was when we saw some cows and she got excited. It was the beginning of the summer, and she told us the meat would be very good this time of year. Perplexed, we dug a little deeper into that statement.
She was referring to ribs. Ribs were going to be really great this summer. Ok, tell me more. It’s been a good year and rib season is cooking up. WHAT? She thought certain cuts of meat could only be harvested at certain times of the year. She really believed this. She was floored when we told her we could get ribs any time of the year. And that cows are not slaughtered in stages.
33. Not A Tree Lover
I have a landlord who is a real idiot. Here are two examples. While living in her house we had an ant problem. The little pests were everywhere and it was a serious problem. So what did she do? She got up in the tree in the yard and cut a branch off that over the deck. Why? Because the ants were using the branch to get in the house to get water.
Next example. We had squirrels that were nesting under the deck. Her solution? She sprayed them with water to get them out—somehow, it actually worked. But then, she cut off another tree branch so they couldn’t get to the deck. Did she think there weren’t other ways for the squirrels to get onto the deck? Like taking the stairs?
34. A.D. Means Adult Dummy
My first ever roommate/friend from high school. He is one of the dumbest people I’ve ever met. Here are some examples of his stupidity: He thought “A.D.” stood for “After Dinosaurs,” despite knowing what “B.C.” stood for. No, he was not kidding. Obviously is one of those people that thinks he knows more than scientists/doctors about anything, etc.
He once punched a hole in his door because he was mad at me, and still tries to get me to pay for it to this day. He believed that his “healing crystal” was all the medicine he would need once when he got the flu pretty bad—like, couldn’t stop coughing long enough to speak for more than two seconds. He ended up having to go to the hospital for a month and a half once he contracted pneumonia.
This guy pronounces “Labyrinth” as “Lay-bure-anth,” which I’ve never heard before. He got really weirdly defensive and angry when I politely corrected him too. My mother has diabetes and he once casually asked me why she hasn’t had her diabetes cured yet. Again, he was totally serious. His logic was that because she wasn’t fat, it should go away.
I once had to explain to him what various words meant, such as “bludgeon,” and “disrepair.” My personal favorite was when he had literally no idea what I meant when I referred to my cat as a “feline.” This dummy thought cats were also canines, and, in fact, he thought that “canine” just meant pet. This is a 25-year-old man, people.
35. Does He Come With A Mute Button?
I had a patient who wanted a consultant to see him urgently because he had intermittently lost the ability to talk. I told him I would chase the consultant to see if he could see him quicker than the scheduled appointment which was some weeks away. The patient decided he couldn’t wait two days for me to chase the consultant so he called the consultant’s secretary the next day himself.
So the patient is talking to the secretary and is telling them that his case was super serious. Well that was dumb. If he could talk to the secretary, he probably didn’t have that bad of a problem. So, he got pushed right to the back of the line. If he had left it to me just the very next day I could have got him an appointment by the end of that week.
36. Not A Towering Intellect
I remember a few years ago I was in the middle of a French class with this girl I knew. I don’t know what started it, but the pair of us ended up in an argument which then turned into an argument of who was smarter. The teacher decided to test this by asking her where the Eiffel Tower was. She full-heartedly replied that it was the massive glass building in the city we were in.
She thought the Shard in London was the Eiffel Tower…while we were sitting in the middle of a French class…in South London…with a view of the Shard from our window. And she was serious about it too. I thought it was just a joke, but then afterward, she refused to listen to reason after claiming the River Thames was in Africa.
37. Bird Brain
I work at a garden center and every day I have people on the phone that redefine the words dumb, stupid, and ignorant. For example, one customer called and said he would like to return some birdseed but would have trouble sending it back. He outright refused to send it back himself, because he feared the big sack would kill him if he was caught in a car accident.
So he demanded that we personally send someone to him to take the bird seeds away. That isn’t something we do. His reaction was disturbing. When this “request” was denied, he set the sack of birdseed on fire, sent us the pictures of it by mail, and still had the audacity to demand a refund plus a fee for bothering him so much.
38. Kiddie Sized Coffee
Today a friend told me that her co-worker bought her three-year-old a VENTI Starbucks coffee because the kid wanted it. It apparently has FOUR shots of espresso in it. My friend flipped on her co-worker about it, and the co-worker said she didn’t know it was bad because she doesn’t drink coffee, and her child just told her what she wanted and she ordered it.
So, I guess I have not met her, but she is the dumbest person I’ve heard of in a while, and my brain is exploding thinking about this again.
39. Something Didn’t Quite Add Up
This is about a co-worker. Her ignorance wasn’t obvious at first, and she came from a very religious family so I didn’t think much of my science references going over her head but…here goes. She told me the world is only 2015 years old (it was 2015 at the time). I asked her how Jesus could be born before the earth was created. She didn’t understand my question.
We had a safe we had to balance and I spent more than one evening explaining to her that you subtracted money when it was removed from the safe, and added it when you returned it. To the point where I would remove some money from a till, to show her, and then put it back. And she’d say, “Oh, so the safe is always the same amount.”
No that wasn’t it at all. So I had to repeat myself. I had to explain to this co-worker that: “No, because the person at the register takes money in and gives change out all day, so the balance of the cash register will change, and the amount we put back into the safe will be different each time.” It genuinely baffled her.
She followed me on social media and liked a post I put up about looking into the past by looking at the stars. “The light that reaches us from them is already millions of years old.” She told me my concept of how the world worked was “beautiful and creative.” It took me a moment before I asked what she meant. She thought it was a story. She didn’t know that starlight takes ages to reach earth.
I was talking with a friend in the lunchroom about Egyptian pyramids, I forget why, and he remarked how amazing it was that something that old could still be so huge and important in our lives. She did not know what pyramids were. At this point, I asked her what Bible version she followed, because I was confused about how she could possibly have never heard about the Egyptians. She said “the only Bible.” Oh, and she wasn’t alone.
This woman’s son worked for us as well. He also had some problems with a lack of knowledge and education. I had to explain numbers and counting to him so that he could pick orders correctly. Even though he couldn’t count, he could read. But he told us he wasn’t allowed to read Harry Potter, because that book was about Satan.
He didn’t know that Muslims also worshipped a god, just not the same one. He thought Muslim was the same as terrorist. I think we shouted him down at that point, which was probably not the best way to handle his ignorance but…he seemed to take it on board. I think about them sometimes. I hope they’re okay. I hope the priest who teaches them cares about them too. I hope, I just don’t believe.
40. Vegan Revenge
Some years back, me and a vegan friend of mine managed to [briefly] convince another friend that bacon was okay for vegans. I told her it was because it doesn’t kill the pig. They can just take thin strips off the flank. My vegan friend backed me up saying that it was true. Our gullible friend was confused, but eventually said: “Really!? I never knew…”
To which I replied, “No, of course not, you muppet.”
41. No Matter How You Slice It, He’s Crazy
I work at a grocery store and a man complained that the second loaf of artisan bread he bought had olives instead of garlic, and it was nasty. I explained all the loaves were different and he asked how he could tell which was which. I pointed out the labels on the baskets. I showed him there’s a label on the back of the bread bag, just to be sure he got the garlic loaf he wanted.
This idiot who couldn’t even be bothered to read the baskets, or even look at the obvious different color of the bread he bought and blindly ate, NOW decides to read the back label I pointed out. He then demands something that “hasn’t got any of that partially hydrogenated stuff in it.” Oh, his cart also had Twinkies in it.
I point out the organic garlic sourdough loaves, to which he suspiciously glares at me, “Yes but is it more expensive?” I knew exactly what to say. I reply with a straight face, “No sir, it’s exactly the same price, see?” He left with a loaf HALF the size of the ordinary ones for the SAME price, pleased with himself because it wasn’t more expensive. How do these people even support themselves?!
42. Not A Thundering Intellect
One time, I went on a date with a woman who I realized was not too intelligent. We got into a strange conversation about thunder and lightning. She said, “what if the clouds were moving quickly when they hit each other?” She paused and I asked her to continue. “That would be the loudest thunder ever.” I need more information.
She said, “Yeah, you know how when clouds smash together, they make thunder…because they’re hard.” For real guys, I’m seriously not even joking. It turned out she was baked, as she later confessed to being stoned. Either way…hilariously stupid.
43. El Stupido
I was in high school and there was one girl who always acted all gangster. She was 17 and had smoked so much, her voice was literally destroyed by nicotine. One day we were in Spanish class and the teacher was getting us to say things in Spanish about what we do to keep ourselves busy during the day. I said, “We go to work.”
And that made the one girl stand up, outraged, and said it was a lame answer because she’d never work. And when the teacher asked her what she does with her life then, she said: “I eat, I smoke, I sleep, and I hang out in the streets with my friends.” Then the teacher asked her what she’d do when she would need a job, and she said “I’ll marry some rich dude and he’ll pay for me.”
My jaw legit hung open and I didn’t know what to say. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone that stupid in my entire life. And if you think she was kidding, she wasn’t. She was like that every day. One time she stood at the entrance of the school to give away condoms. When I said I didn’t need them because I was a virgin (I was 15), she laughed at me, pointed, and said: “I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT 13, YOU’RE A LOSER.” Hmm…is that how it works?
44. Maybe Consider Take Out?
I dated a girl from work in my first year of college. On our first “date,” we decided to just make something simple at her place. Being “rich” college students, we settled with mac and cheese and some drinks. We get into the kitchen, and she says, “Okay, honest question. When boiling water, do you get the pot hot first, then add the water or the other way around?”
Yup, she didn’t know how to boil water. I just don’t know how someone makes it through life not knowing how to boil water on the stove.
45. It’s One Or The Other
A guy I knew was really stupid. I got really sick this one time I was spending the evening with him and had to throw up several times in a short period. He got angry with me, so I’m like, what the heck? When I found out why he was mad, I was stunned. It turns out he was convinced that the only reasons there are for people to throw up is because of drinking too much or being pregnant.
Since I was sober, he refused to believe I was not pregnant. He seriously almost got angry when I refused to admit that I was pregnant. I was miffed this idiot didn’t catch the stomach flu that was what made me throw up. And yes, one would think that he had met sick people before, even been one, I don’t know what was wrong in his head.
46. American Pi
I was in high school, 2007-2008 school year. I was a senior. One of my friends in their junior year starts telling me about this guy they know. Tells me this guy has argued against his entire chemistry class, including the teacher, for ten minutes out of a 50-minute class. Why? He was convinced that pi was bigger than mol (6.022E23), “because pi goes on forever.”
This same guy was tasked with using a ruler in class. He was having some trouble figuring out the ruler. It turns out he realized that he didn’t know how many inches were in a ruler. So what did he do? He got the brilliant idea to measure his ruler with a second ruler so he could figure out how many inches are in a ruler. Spoiler: He couldn’t figure it out.
47. Intelligence Questioned
In high school, there was this one girl in my history class who went for an IQ test once for a very strange reason. When I found out why, it bowled me over. So, we wrote a history test in class, and a week later we got our tests back. This girl failed miserably and she decided it would be a smart idea to tell the teacher about her IQ test.
She told the teacher that he can’t give her an F because, “she scored 70 on an IQ test, so she’s not allowed to fail.” The worst part is, she genuinely believed an IQ test would give her a pass on failing tests, so she failed EVERY SUBJECT that year. I still talk to her on Twitter now and then, turns out she’s a flat-earther now.
48. Lab Mice Disaster
I went to a college where they had a lab and thousands of white mice that were used for experimentation to test medications. They were being treated well, but of course, a bunch of people from PETA started whining and moaning about it. The professors tried to ignore them and continue their experiments, but no, they keep nagging.
And then they did something REALLY stupid. One night, they broke into the lab and stole all the white mice. They brought the white mice out into the middle of the desert and set them free. Why is that stupid, you ask? Because white mice don’t normally live in the desert. They are all white, so this means they stick out like a sore finger in the desert heat.
ALL of the white mice got eaten by snakes and hawks or tragically died because of heatstroke and/or hunger within about two days. So the white mice could have had a peaceful death in a lab with little to no pain, but they ended up all dying horrible deaths in the scary desert because of people’s stupidity.
49. Febreeze Haviblad
I had a very stupid roommate once. She thought the song “Feliz Navidad” was “Febreeze Haviblad.” She waved a smudge stick in your face claiming “bad vibes” when you brought up that she might do the dishes once in a while. She thought she was the leader of a wolf pack and became very angry if friends did not knock by scratching on the door with their fingernails.
She ruined every Teflon frying pan in the house by cutting bacon up with a steak knife while it fried in the pan. Suggesting a “cutting board” would lead to a smudge stick waving. She said if you just left spilled juice, it would all evaporate into the air and the floor would be clean after a day or so. She claimed this after spilling an entire bottle of grape juice inside of the fridge.
She had two cats: one was the dumbest I have ever seen, the other one was delightfully catlike. She was convinced that the dumb cat who frequently walked into walls was bright. She thought the regular cat was an idiot. Used to jeer at Regular Cat for doing “weird, uncatlike” things like sitting on the fridge and bathing itself. Oh, and it gets even worse.
She claimed that all scientists were idiots. She also claimed everyone else in the world was an idiot. She got the power turned off because she thought that hiding the bills and the red cards would fix the problem. She was wrong about that. The money she had been sent every month for my share of the hydro? She spent it.
She did not notice that I had a job and, when she inquired where I went five days a week, believed our other roommate who sarcastically said that I went to the carnival. She then screeched that I should earn my own money instead of getting a “free ride in life.” Especially cheeky since she often boasted about her goal to live on welfare forever.
She posed for social clout by being afflicted by OCD, because she liked the smell of Pine-Sol so she decided she was a clean freak. She was never spotted cleaning during the entire tenancy. Then she posed for social clout by claiming anorexia, found this hilarious to do, and was gleeful whenever people worried about her. She also claimed anorexia to welfare so that she would get a special allotment of extra money for food every month.
When she held laptops, she would hold them gripped and pointing down, like one would carry a suitcase. Also, one day, when I left my laptop in the open (dumb of me), she dented it somehow and also returned it with multiple keyboard keys missing. She blamed the damage on her cats, who she said must have playfully batted the keys out. Honestly, her stupidity was endless.
She thought Superman was in hiding in a government lair. She didn’t believe in concussions. More probing revealed that she thought concussions were bruises that people were being dramatic about. She was surprised on a few occasions that she could be seen by the naked eye if she was avoiding eye contact and kind of stealth walking while pressed against a wall.
50. No Trespassing
I had a friend, well, ex-friend, and we got into a massive, almost physically violent argument. I told her to leave my apartment and get out of the complex since she didn’t live there. Her reply was so stupid, it’s unforgettable. She said “I don’t have to! This is government property!” I was like… girl no…just no…I called the cops and they came and informed her the opposite. Ahhh, that was satisfying.
51. Pearl Of Wisdom?
I remember I was in high school and we were in history class. That day we were taking a pop quiz and one of the questions was: “Where is Pearl Harbor?” Someone raised their hand and asked, “Who is Pearl Harbor and why would I know where she is?” The twist? This story is about me. I had trouble focusing in school and thought Pearl Harbor was a person.