Everyone has secrets. If someone tells you they don’t have any, either they’re lying to you or they’re lying to themselves. Maybe they stole money from their mom’s purse as a kid; maybe they used to pick their nose and eat it; or maybe, it’s something much darker. From chilling family relations and mortal peril to white lies and stomach-turning practical jokes, these Redditors share their deepest, darkest secrets.
1. Scoop and Snoop
I once helped out a female friend’s family by taking care of their cat. Every day for a week, I would go over there, feed the cat, scoop some poop away—and then get to work snooping around their house. I found my friend’s diary, and proceeded to read the entire thing. I then used this information to get her to like me. She is currently my wife.
2. Civilian Hero
Once, a lady ran up to me at a notoriously bad corner in town. I thought I knew her because she ran right up to me and hugged me. However, as soon as she let go, she started babbling incoherently, and I realized that she was one of the many mentally ill people living in the area. A few minutes later, she did the same thing to a 50ish-year-old guy. I got a bad feeling, so I kept an eye on them.
He got very creepy with her, pushed her against a bus stop, and stated, “You’re coming home with me tonight.” She was half in tears, mumbling, and shaking her head violently, clearly not interested in going anywhere with him. Even though I knew it wasn’t a safe choice for me, I felt compelled to do something. I started yelling at him. He yelled back, then grabbed her by the wrist and started pulling her towards the alley.
I was terrified, in tears, and very angry. She screamed and I pulled the whiskey bottle out of my bag, yelled at him—and got hit in the face. I hit him back with the bottle. The girl ran away and I hit the man with the bottle again and he fell to the ground. I ran away crying then puked. That is the only time I’ve ever been in a fight, and I’ve become a bit afraid of myself because of it.
3. Double Take
My brother steals money from my parents’ wallets. My parents know this, and despite that, my father will fork over money to him all the time when he asks for it. No discipline at all, ticks me right off. One day, I just couldn’t take it anymore. In retaliation, I took the money out of my brother’s wallet while he was sleeping and returned it to my parents’ wallets. Since that night, I’ve done it many more times. No regrets.
4. Bonus Gift
When I was very little, what I thought was going to be a harmless toot turned into a little bit more. This was before I had the wherewithal to know not to check for poop with my hand. I had no clue what to do because the bathroom was right past my parent’s room and I thought I would get in trouble if they saw that I had wiped my butt with my hand.
So, I looked around my living room, and I saw big speakers that were hooked up to the TV. These things were taller than I was back then. The shelves we kept our cassette tapes on hid the backside of these speakers, making them the perfect place to hide some poop. The worst part isn’t that I wiped my butt chocolate on these speakers…
…It’s that when my parents eventually bought a better TV that came with better speakers, they generously decided to give the old speakers to my cousin’s family. It’s been about fifteen years since we gave them the poopy speakers. My cousin’s parents, my aunt and uncle, got divorced a few years back, and my aunt is now in possession of the poo speakers. Fifteen years later, nobody knows what I did.
5. Super Dad
When I was very little, I used to play a game with my parents where I’d go to the bathroom and brush my teeth before bed, and when I got to my room, they’d pretend to be asleep and I’d find creative ways to wake them up. Being so young, I thought my dad was superhero-style indestructible. So I decided to try something that would hurt a kid like me but wouldn’t harm him at all. Or so I thought, but I was so, so wrong.
I found a pencil lying on the desk—and tried to stab him in the eye with it! Luckily, he was peeking, and stopped me just before I did it. To this day it gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach, thinking about what might have happened…
6. Mom’s Close Call
When I was 15 years old, I was obsessed with bows and arrows, so my parents finally got me one. I would go into the woods and shoot things randomly, never hitting living creatures though! Anyway, my parents and I were at my grandparents’ cottage one day and my dad was showing me a compound bow. I had no idea that it was much more powerful than my little bow and would actually be deadly if I accidentally shot someone with it.
My dad helped me draw it back and then told me to shoot at a pole. My mom was nearby, back turned and I, very jokingly, aimed the arrow at her. My dad spun me in another direction so fast that I didn’t even know what was happening, grabbed the bow out of my hands, and flipped out. To this day, my mom doesn’t know that I could have killed her by accident.
7. The Collector
I like to peel the dead skin off the bottoms of my feet. It doesn’t hurt or anything, it just feels satisfying. I started keeping the bigger pieces in a small jar. When the jar filled up, I didn’t want to throw it out, so I donated it. My skin is now in a glass jar on display at the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia, which is a museum of medical history and oddities.
I sent a second jar over there too, as well as my favorite big pieces. As long as I keep filling jars up, they keep taking them! My current jar is about one quarter full right now. That’s my secret claim to fame.
8. Too Little and Too Late
When I was a kid I heard a gunshot while walking down a street. I ran back home, fast as I could. Went to my room and watched TV to calm myself down. Didn’t tell anybody. Two hours passed, and the phone rang. Mom told me my uncle died of a gunshot wound, trying to stop a fight nearby. At the funeral, we were told my uncle could’ve lived if paramedics arrived earlier.
For 20 years, I’ve always thought I could’ve saved him.
9. Things Aren’t Always as They Seem
I love my husband, but he doesn’t love me. After five years of problems, it finally clicked for me. He loves having a wife, he loves not being alone, and he loves our kids; I, however, am incidental. I can’t afford to leave him and I don’t really want to because of the kids. We don’t hate each other by any means, but I basically have a roommate that I raise kids with.
To our friends and family, we are the perfect, super-duper happy nerd family, but in reality, it’s such a sad situation. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.
10. Don’t Take Your Family For Granted
When I was 11 years old, in 2006, my little sister tragically drowned in my mom’s backyard swimming pool while I was at my father’s house on the weekend. I was very close to my sister, and I loved her with all of my heart. My mother often talks about how she misses my sister, and I agree with her. There is only one problem. I have almost no memory of my sister.
My mom does not know this, because I know it would break her heart. I don’t know why I have such a hard time trying to remember her. One of the only moments I do remember was when I swimming in the pool, trying to do back flips. I was yelling out to my mom, “watch me!” My mom was holding my baby sister and talking to her, so she didn’t hear me. I, being selfish and rude, yelled at the top of my lungs, “STOP BABYING HER!” and stormed into the house.
I have no idea why I can remember this moment, but not any good moments.
11. Hush Money
I have been having a long-term affair with a famous actor for the past seven years. I have his child (now five years old) and he pays me a LOT of money to keep everything a secret. He bought me a house and gives me money every month. Yes, we still hook up occasionally. He is married with children. I have never told a soul. I told my friends and family that I don’t know who the father of my child is. I will perhaps tell my son one day.
It’s hard living a lie.
12. Love Triangle
A server I worked with when I was a cook is now three months pregnant… with MY child. No one knows it’s mine, but that’s not even the worst part: Since we’re no longer speaking, she thinks I don’t know she’s pregnant. She’s letting her boyfriend think that it’s his…and it’s definitely not. I really don’t want kids, but I’m also having extreme moral issues about what I should do.
13. Sham Education
I faked the last two years of my college education. My parents put so much pressure on me that I couldn’t handle it, so I faked it all. I lied to everyone, and even made up fake transcripts. I got my foot in the door in my desired field thanks to a friend, as he hired me as a subordinate. This place only hires college graduates, but no one double-checked my credentials since an employee recommended me.
My hope is that if I need to find another job, I’ll have been at this place long enough to get it by experience alone. I’m not bad at my job; I’m actually quite good, but my fear is that eventually I’ll hit a wall and the lie will come to light. No one has figured it out for the better part of a decade.
14. Frosty Fraud
I ran a very successful cake business for years and hardly ever baked my own cakes. I was really a cake decorator at heart; I had been doing it for years and that was my true passion, but I HATED baking!!! I tried to bake from scratch, but it never tasted good. I would visit my local “big cost savings” type store and get CASES OF FROZEN SHEET CAKE. Seriously. People complimented me ALL the time. Hilarious!!!
I even made my wedding cakes and celebrity’s cakes from this stuff! Frozen, pre-made sheet cake. Yep. It was actually okay stuff; I mean, I made my own icing and filling so yes, the cakes did taste fine and they looked great. I just hated baking and still do. I’d always be sneaky about buying the frozen sheet cake too, scared that I’d see a customer. Still makes me laugh to this day!
15. Fire In The Hole
My cousin is not a good person. He was an addict and he used the house we used to live in as kids to cook and use illegal substances. One night, while I was living with my mom a few houses down the road from him, I was up at 3 am just watching his house from my kitchen window. I saw him leave. Without thinking about it too much, I grabbed a lighter and a piece of printer paper. I snuck out, walked over, and knocked on the door. No one answered. That’s when I got an evil idea.
There was a small window on the side of the house that was open, and the curtains were dry and thick. I twisted the paper as tightly as possible, lit it on fire — and then set the curtains on fire. I threw the paper through the window onto the floor and then snuck back in my house. I sat at the kitchen window and watched my cousin’s house slowly catch on fire with a smile on my face. All of the sudden, it exploded. I guess the stuff he used to make his drugs went off.
My parents woke up and called 9-1-1. I took a lawn chair and sat at the end of my yard and watched it burn from about 300 feet away. The police found the remains of the drug lab after the fire was out and my cousin got sent to prison. I knew what I’d done was wrong, but I still cant help feeling that justice was served.
16. Anger Management
It still freaks me out to think about this. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. I tried to strangle my mom once when I lost my temper. I don’t even remember what I was angry with her about. Ever since then, I’ve done everything I can to keep my anger in check, because it scared me. I was like 13 years old then, and thankfully not strong enough to actually hurt her.
17. Dirty Little Secret
I occasionally pay hot girls to beat me up. That’s it.
18. Acting Aussie
After graduating from high school, I went to a small out-of-state college where no one from high school knew me. I was told many times how impressive my false Australian accent was, so I decided it would be great fun to go through college pretending to be from Australia. All of my friends—and even my girlfriend of two years—think I’m Australian.
I have a completely fake Australian identity, family, and past. I will soon be graduating, and I plan on asking the girl to marry me. Everything she knows about me is Australian, and I don’t know how to tell her she doesn’t really know me. Guess I’ll forever be a bloke.
19. Revenge Can Be – Pungent
This is my revenge story. When I was 10 years old, my mom sent me to a summer camp in another county. I knew 2 other people there, and we were placed in the same cabin. The other cabin was full of the local kids who had been there previous years. I was a fat awkward kid, and I got picked on all the time. This camp was no exception, but there was this one kid who was relentless. We’ll call him Sam. Sam was always pushing me around and called me names constantly. I wouldn’t even eat if he was in the lunch area because his bullying upset me so much.
One day, my friends and I were in our cabin talking about how mean the other guys were, and I decided to seek my revenge. I had to go to the bathroom, so I grabbed a plastic grocery bag and filled it up with a massive number two. I took the bag to the bully’s cabin while the other kids were out being cool. I found Sam’s bunk, grabbed a pair of his underwear, and shoved them down in the bag. After squishing it up again, I put it under Sam’s mattress with a little bit of it hanging out so that everyone would see it. By the way, the stench was horrendous! Relieved I hadn’t been caught, I ran out of there and back to our cabin.
When the bullies came back in from playing, we could hear their disgust. It didn’t take long for Sam to be the new target of endless bullying. Nobody wanted anything to do with the kid that had had an accident in his pants and tried to hide the evidence under his bed. Guess who didn’t get picked on for the rest of camp?
20. Butterfly Effect
I blame myself for my sister’s death. She died from complications from a car accident. The car accident was caused by sun blinding the other driver as he drove over a crest, which only happens at a specific time in the morning. Everyone knows that my sister accidentally slept in that morning before driving to the coast.
No-one knows that it was me that took the alarm clock the night before. I did it because I wanted to get up early to finish an assignment that I had left to the last minute to complete and I regret it every day.
21. Fecal Fondler
When I was about 8, every time I took a poop, I would put my hand in the toilet and squish it to see what it felt like. Ya, gross, I know. At home it’d be fine, since I could clean it off right away. In school though… I cringe thinking about it. I am lucky I turned out semi-normal and have friends based on all the gross stuff I did in elementary school.
22. Yearbook Heist
When I was in high school, I didn’t really have money to buy a yearbook. I was in my art class when the school campus security came in with like 6 boxes of yearbooks. They set them on a counter and left. I knew right then that I was getting a yearbook that day. After class I got some tape, left the room, and secretly put tape on the door’s lock tongue so that it wouldn’t lock and could be opened from the outside.
I came back at lunch and opened the door. After checking to see if the coast was clear, I opened one of the boxes and grabbed like 6 yearbooks. I took one for myself, gave one to my best friend because I know he couldn’t afford one either, and then I sold 4 yearbooks for $40 instead of the $60 that the school was selling them for.
I was a hero that day; and, I went home with $160 in my pocket and a yearbook! I felt guilty, but it was my senior year and I WANTED a yearbook and my parents couldn’t afford it. I actually ended up taking my parents to dinner that night with the money I’d made. They asked where I got the money, and I told them I’d been saving.
23. Pernicious Prince
Almost everyone I know thinks extraordinarily highly of me, but I’m actually not a very nice person. It all started when I read The Prince when I was 11… and 12… and 13. Actually, I’ve read it every year since then, and I am now 23. It taught me how to manipulate people. I control exactly how every person I know sees me and, more importantly, what they expect of me.
Nobody sees the dark truth: Even though I’m nothing special, because I have created this narrative that says otherwise, everyone has this impression of me that’s not accurate. I cheat and lie all the time. I have lied and manipulated my way through life and through every challenge I’ve faced. Many people think the world of me, but they shouldn’t. So far, nobody has ever seen through it.
24. A Family Secret
About 6 months before my grandmother died, she told me a terrifying secret about my dad. Before then, I remembered visiting him in prison and he seemed great… but then my mother and I changed our names and she told me that we couldn’t see dad anymore because he had died. I was sad and then life went on; I was just a kid and never thought much about it to be honest. Mom and I never talked about it.
My grandmother, my dad’s mom, wanted to see me before she passed. Before I went, my mom finally told me the horrible truth about my dad: he was a very well known serial killer. After she told me, I looked at his picture, and my memory version of my dad didn’t look the same, but then she showed me pictures of us together in the prison visiting area… so I knew it was true. I went through a few days of shock and then mourned the loss of my dad after I found out that he had been executed. A different feeling comes from knowing your dad was executed versus him just dying.
We look alike, in some ways, and I know he did terrible things, but I just remember that he was loving to me — or, at least he was in the limited memories that I have of him. None of my friends know, and I will never tell anyone. The deepest secret? As much as I know he did terrible things, I would do anything to have had him escape prison again and be alive with us today.
25. Frosted Friday
When I was a kid, I had a really mean neighbour. He would shout insults at anyone who passed, he pushed girls around, and he was a bully. One day, I decided to plot revenge. In preparation, I stored my excrement in a coffee can for 3 days. Disgusting, I know, but it was for a worthy cause. Then, late on a Friday night, I decided that the time had come.
I took a rubber spatula… and frosted that dude’s car like a cake with the putrid contents of that coffee can. It felt so good the next day to see him and his parents outside, screaming in disgust. I was 13.
26. Distraught Dad
I am terrified any time my wife or daughter leaves the house without me. If they go out together, like for a girl’s day, or to the store, or anything, I usually spend the day looking out the window waiting for them. During those times, I am 100% positive that they will die before they make it home. When they do finally come home, I quickly run from the window and start watching a movie from the middle, or pretend to be asleep so they don’t know I spent the last six hours watching anxiously for their car.
27. Karma Seeker
I grew up a middle class kid. I worked 40+ hours a week all through high school, so I always had extra cash. When I went to college, however, that changed significantly. During holiday breaks, I never traveled to see family for reasons I’d rather not cover. This meant that I was left alone in a college town that was nearly empty. That’s when I committed unforgivable acts.
It started with burglarizing apartments that I could walk to. This burglary spree quickly escalated from private residences to businesses. I’ve outrun authorities on foot three or four times. I’ve outrun them in cars a few more times. I’ve had to spend hours hiding in woods waiting for them to leave before I could get outta dodge.
I know how to completely disable an alarm system in a matter of seconds; I can open sliding doors with a coat hanger; I can jimmy doors, run police scanners, etc. It’s been ten years since my last burglary. I’m married with kids now, and I’ll never tell them how I made money back in college, but at the same time, those memories will never leave me.
28. Bunker Bliss
Two and a half years ago I was in dire financial straights, so I sold my home to keep my struggling business afloat. The new family seemed great, so I felt bad about deceiving them, but I neglected to tell them about the property’s weirdest feature: There is an 800 sq. ft. bunker on the property that I built about seven years previously. But that’s not the worst part. Not even close.
I also neglected to tell them that the bunker is the place I’ve called home since I sold the house. The entrance to it is well-hidden, but I still come and go very early or very late in the day, just to make sure I’m not seen. I’m a single man who keeps to himself. I’m now in a situation where I could move somewhere else, but I love this hidden paradise so much, so I stay.
29. That’s Got To Be A Record…
One day, forgetting that my girlfriend was away at camp, I went to her house on autopilot and knocked on the door. Her mom invited me in and we laughed over my mistake. Then things got weird. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but we started drinking, and I ended up sleeping with her mom. I was 17, she was 38, married… and a Mormon.
30. Musical Graves
When I was 13, a friend and I went to a graveyard. We noticed about six fresh plots that had placards in plastic sleeves in place of tombstones. I decided to switch them all up. To this very day, I feel horrible about this, and I will for the rest of my life.