Forget doctor/patient confidentiality. These doctors and their patients had to share moments that made them blush, vomit, or just sit in stunned silence. From the harmless and hilarious to the horrendous and horrifying, these are the most awkward medical situations that anyone has ever been in.
1. What An Old Wind Bag
I'm not a doctor. I’m a dental hygienist. Back when I first started, I had a client who came in to get her teeth cleaned. She was the sweetest little old lady with tons of energy and was full of life. I got her comfortably seated in the chair, leaned her back, and started scaling away (the dental term for removing plaque/tartar or "bringing the pain").
Halfway through the appointment, I got a terrible feeling. My stomach started to grumble. She poked fun at me for it and we both had a laugh. Minutes later, the grumbles in my stomach made their way down…like way down. It took everything I had not to pass gas with this sweet lady's head between my legs. Despite my best efforts, I had to let it out.
I figured that if it’s going to force its way out, I might as well make it a silent one. I straightened up my posture and leaned ever so slightly towards my tray of instruments to "swap for a new one." I must have miscalculated or something because what was supposed to be silent gas, turned out to be one of those toots that sounds like an earthquake.
That nice old lady looked at me with a look that was one part bewilderment and another part amusement. All she said was, "There you go, dear! Now I don't feel so bad for letting a few go myself out in the waiting room!" Needless to say, she has been my favorite client to this day.
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2. Dr. Feel Good
I remember this one patient I had. She was in labor and I had to check her cervical dilation. Now, the way that's done is by doing a digital vaginal exam and estimating the gap with the index and middle fingers in a “V” shape. Most of the time this is pretty routine and, to be honest, the patient is usually too distressed by the contractions to care.
This one patient, however, seemed to respond to my examination in a totally unexpected way. She went from, "Argh! Ouch!" to "Ooh. Mm," very quickly. Needless to say, it took me all I had to keep a straight face.
3. I Can See Clearly Now
This happened to me with an optician. I went for my annual eye test and to get a prescription for the next year’s supply of contact lenses. I usually get the same optician every year and that visit was no different. He gave me a warm welcome to the big machine that tests your eyes. He started the test and was very surprised to read the results.
In great excitement, he came up to me and said, “Ma’am, we have only come across this in theory and I never knew this is really possible. Your eyesight has corrected completely! You don’t need contact lenses or glasses anymore!” I actually believed him for a moment before sheepishly replied, “Are you sure you negated the effect of the contact lenses I am wearing?”
Turns out I was supposed to take them off at least 30minutes before testing my eyes. Oops. The man was at a loss for words. Not sure if he was more embarrassed or I was.
4. Release The Floodgates
I used to have to get regular prostate checks. The doctor doing it was a family friend. This one time, I was bent over and when it was done, I looked him in the eyes and said, "I usually make people buy me dinner before doing that." He couldn't help it he started cracking up and his nurse looked shocked. I tried to keep it fun and funny.
I was always coming up with new jokes, every six months when I would go in to visit. This one time wasn’t very funny though. I don’t think anyone was laughing. I was making fun, moaning, and staring into the nurse’s eyes. She looked so pissed off at me and the doctor started laughing. But then his hand started shaking…while he still had his hand you know where.
I couldn’t help it. My bowels relaxed because of his shaking hand and I just let it all out. The unholy motherload. All over him.
5. Let’s See Your Ink
My dad is a doctor so this is his story. Way back in the day, maybe 30 years ago, he had a patient that used to creep out all of the female nurses. He always used to tell them, "I have your name tattooed onto my [junk]." One day, one of the more curious and braver nurses decided to take a peek while the patient was asleep.
Sure enough, he literally had the two words "Your Name" tattooed on his member.
6. Just A Little Tinkle
I was once checking stitches on a patient’s leg. For whatever reason, she was wearing a skirt but had decided to go commando. I’m a professional so that didn’t bother me—it just seemed unsanitary. Then, she sneezed and, well, yeah, it was definitely unsanitary. The force of the sneeze contracted her bladder and squeezed out a little urine…directly onto me.
I stood up and, in an effort to alleviate the tension, she gave an awkward grin and said softly, "I guess I did have to go." I was like, yeah, looks like you did but didn’t say anything to her. I left without a word and cleaned myself up before telling her doctor she was ready.
7. Sweep This Under The Rug
I’m not a doctor. This story comes from a good friend of mine who is a doctor though. Generally, the main question that hospital staff face when talking about work is, "What's the weirdest thing you've found in someone during an x-ray?" Well, this one old fella came into the ward via an ambulance and clearly didn't need an x-ray.
The guy’s problem was obvious from the minute he set foot in the hospital. He had a giant broomstick handle stuck in his bum. Usually, when questioned about these kinds of awkward situations, people come up with loads of excuses. But when hospital staff asked this old what happened he did not even try to come up with a tall tale.
"Well,” he started, “I was riding the [heck] out of this broomstick, holding onto the washing machine for support. But when I finished, my knee gave out. I slipped and it went right up in me. I tried to pull it out but couldn’t reach around to grab it with both hands so thought it best to come to you guys seeing as you've got to sort my knee out anyway."
8. Mistaken Identity
I was so embarrassed for this doctor. Many years ago, I had a suction lipectomy done on my neck to remove excess fat. When I went back for a post-surgical follow-up, the doctor asked me to remove my blouse and bra. Never having been shy or modest around medical professionals, I figured he must have needed to see my neck in relation to the rest of my chest.
So, I happily disrobed and was standing there with my “stuff” hanging out when he realized that he had the wrong patient. He had confused me with someone else who had gotten an…implant surgery. He calmly asked me to put my clothes back on, and apologized for mistaking me for the other patient. I got a good chuckle out of it.
But the doctor was blushing like crazy.
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9. Baring It All
My father went in to see the doctor once. After a preliminary exam, a nurse told him that she would be coming back to give him a shot. Naturally, he removed his pants completely and sat on the exam table. When the nurse returned, she looked very confused but kept her composure and gave my father the shot. In his shoulder. It’s funny now but that poor nurse was probably scared at the time.
10. Wait Until You See This…
I went to the dermatologist when I was 18 just before heading off to college. I had a few red spots on my chest and she wanted to check "down below" to ensure there was no internal bleeding. While my pants were down and she was checking everything out, the nurse walked in without knocking. She got a nice view…along with half the waiting room.
The nurse backed out quickly and I received a profuse apology from the dermatologist. The doctor had to go prepare a treatment and I got to hear her tear the nurse a new one in the next room.
11. Knock, Knock
I created a pretty awkward situation for my surgeon once. When I was 21, I broke my back in a car accident. I had pretty gnarly back surgery (fused vertebrae, rods, and pins inserted in my spine, etc.). Part of my recovery involved regular check-ups with my surgeon. I didn’t mind that because the receptionist at his office was way cute.
Every time I went in for my check-up, I got the vibe that she was into me. I was too chicken to ask her out so I did some research first. I asked the doctor during one of my visits if he knew if she had a boyfriend. He pretty much told me he didn't really get into her personal life. I could respect that. It was their workplace.
Fast forward a few weeks. I saw her at a bar and started chatting with her. We sort of hit it off and exchanged numbers before going our separate ways. We set up a date about a week later to go to the beach. It went well, and she invited me over to her dad's place. She said that he would be grilling some steaks and had plenty to go around.
Well, when I got to her house, I wanted to be the one on that grill. Who answers the door? My bloody surgeon. I think it was as awkward for him as it was for me.
12. Cracking Up
I had one really embarrassing moment during a normal checkup. The doctor was doing the back tapping routine for any soreness because of a history of kidney stones. He was progressing towards my sides and entered the tickle zone. Now, I’m insanely ticklish but I didn’t want to break out in a giggle fight right in front of my doctor.
I managed to resist the urge to laugh, choking back my laughter. But it was a futile effort. After a while, I broke and let out the most hideous screech of laughter, unlike any sound I had ever made before. The doctor didn’t acknowledge it. The rest of the examination passed very quietly. And awkwardly.
13. Hold Your Own
I went to the doctor to get an x-ray done on my back. I heard the woman working the machine instruct me to, "Hold [your] breasts," as her hand hovered over the button. Horrified, I grabbed both my girls in absolute panic, not understanding what the x-ray machine could possibly do to them. Then the woman broke out laughing hysterically.
"No, sweetie!” she said, “Your breath! Hold your breath!" I am so stupid.
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14. Epiphany Moment
When I was in medical school, one of my professors used to tell this story all of the time. He was giving a routine exam to an 18-year-old girl who was about to go off to college. Before the exam began, he noted that she had a very athletic build, healthy complexion, and was very good-looking. After viewing her medical charts, he noticed that she was not on birth control.
Since she was rather pretty and about to go off to college, he asked her about it. Apparently, this 18-year-old girl had never actually had a period. When growing up and going through puberty she visited other doctors who told her to keep waiting because her body fat percentage was too low to have periods. My professor had one of those “Uh huh” moments.
So, he asked her if she would like to have a pelvic exam and she agreed. Halfway through the exam, he discovered a "nub." That’s when it hit him. It all made sense; “she” was actually a “he.” This beautiful 18-year-old girl was actually born a boy with high amounts of estrogen and had inverted equipment. It was quite the discovery.
Instead of breaking the news himself, my professor referred her to another, more sensitive, female doctor. I don’t know how that conversation went. “Hey, you're actually not a girl. You’ve been a guy your whole life and you need to have your inverted stuff surgically removed because they could turn into cancer. Oh, and you probably shouldn't go to college right now."
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15. You Make My Heart Skip A Beat
I was in the hospital a couple of months ago for chest pains. The various specialists that I saw subjected me to many scans and tests because I have a heart condition. They even had to give me special medication to lower my heart rate for a CAT scan. But this one specialist wasn’t helping my situation, whatever it may have been.
He was just so cute and every time he walked back into the room my heart rate would spike. Eventually, the other specialists had to kick him out. We all had a good laugh about it.
16. There’s A 50% Chance It’s Raining
Before I got into medical school I worked as an orderly in an ER. At the time, the university hospital was getting all the "good" trauma and we got the routine stuff. Some of the younger and more enthusiastic nurses really wanted the more “challenging” cases, the kind of stuff you see in movies. They were a little too eager for it, maybe.
This one day, an old guy came into the triage office and the nurse asked him what his chief complaint was. The man answered, "I was shot—,” and before he could finish, the nurse leapt into action. She called out a trauma code on the intercom overhead and demanded a stretcher. All of a sudden, everyone came in running and threw this old guy down on the stretcher, and began racing him to the trauma room.
Everyone was in full “TV nurse” mode. The nurse started cutting off the man’s shirt and yelled, "Sir, where were you shot?" The man, a little confused at this point, yelled back, "In Korea!" We all looked at each other and slowly came to a halt in the hallway. Everyone turned to the nurse, who was looking quite sheepish.
The old guy looked around and continued, "My knee hurts when it's going to rain.” On second thought, it was quite an awkward moment for the nurse.
17. Doctor Handsy
This was mildly awkward I guess for everyone involved. I was the patient in this case. I went to the hospital to have a cyst removed from my armpit. I suppose because the armpits are so close to the chest, they needed to give me a breast examination to make sure there was nothing bad going on there. I didn’t make a big deal of it.
So, there I was in one of those ghastly gowns. The curtain twitched aside and in came a young male doctor and a female nurse (I guess male doctors are not allowed to examine female patients without another person present). The nurse, on one side, held my hand and made small talk in an effort to distract me from being embarrassed. It was kind of awkward anyway.
It got really awkward when my nipples became really pointed. I was blushing from head to toe. The poor doctor who probably hadn’t examined many younger women slipped up. He said, "You have a lovely chest. Uh…a healthy chest." The nurse (she was of a certain age where she had clearly didn’t tolerate any nonsense) was still holding my hand and I felt her grip tighten.
I looked up and she was giving him this frightening glare in awkward silence. The doctor blushed as much as me. Those few seconds felt like an eternity—they were probably worse for the doctor. The nurse told me I would be transferred to another ward later and to relax.
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18. Hello, Operator?
I worked on the switchboard at a major hospital. The calls are normally pretty straightforward. But I had this one lady call up with the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. She was saying that she had spinal fluid coming out of her nose. I had to somehow explain—to an adult—that the fluid coming out of her nose was mucous.
It was an awkward phone call for both of us.
19. Please Set My Alarm
My grandfather lived in the countryside and was the only doctor working in a wide area. He was a general doctor, a surgeon, an OB. Basically, he was whatever kind of doctor his patients needed him to be. Needless to say, being the only doctor around for miles, he worked really long days and often got very little sleep.
As you can imagine, there were no cell phones at the time. My grandma took the calls and he often came back home to learn that he had to go right back out. Anyways, one night he got a call from a pregnant woman far from his home. She was expecting any minute and needed him to be there. It was pretty late after a really long day but he agreed.
He went to see her and laid down next to her in the bed. He told her to wake him up when she went into labor. She must have thought it was pretty strange. Pretty sure the screaming would wake him up.
20. I’ve Got A Bright Idea
A friend of mine had just graduated from nursing school and was working in a hospital. One night, they had a man come in with a very unique problem. Apparently, this guy had shoved an ordinary household lightbulb up his bum. I’m not sure what the guy was thinking. The sun might not shine down there but maybe a halogen bulb will?
Anyway, to make matters worse, the bulb had shattered. My friend spent hours shining a light up this guy’s bum which was held open with spreaders and helping the doctor as he removed shards of the lightbulb.
21. It Ain’t Food Poisoning
A couple came into the hospital one day. The woman, who was very obese, was complaining about severe stomach pains. It didn’t seem like she was in any kind of immediate danger so the doctor just took her in for a routine examination. What he found nearly floored him. The doctor found out that she was pregnant and that she was experiencing contractions. She was about to deliver.
The woman was in total disbelief. She said, “I take the pills every day.”
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22. To Be Taken Orally
A friend of mine was in medical school doing a rotation as an ER doctor. She told me this story about the most awkward patient she ever had. One night, a man came into the hospital escorted by officers. He had a blanket over his shoulders and he was wearing blood-soaked boxers. He was quite docile so my friend couldn’t get much out of him.
Before checking him out, my friend asked the officers what had happened. Apparently, the guy had sawn off his own member with a bread knife and proceeded to swallow it. Yup.
23. Come Again?
I’m not a doctor but I had a really awkward experience with one. I gave myself a hernia when I was lifting an extremely heavy gate. I went to the hospital and, for whatever reason, they had to conduct an ultrasound on my testicles. The doctor was a female which was fine with me because, I assumed, she was a professional and we were both adults.
Anyway, when she was applying the gel to my balls I said, "That feels weird." I only said it because I thought it might be relevant. She stopped immediately and said, "Did you just say that feels good?" I must have turned lobster red. I was like, "No, weird. It feels weird." What followed was the most awkward silence of my life.
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24. Behind Door Number One…
I’m an ER doctor. I had a really awkward experience when I was in training. I had a chart in the rack with a chief complaint of psychiatric evaluation. As soon as I picked it up, some of the older nurses in the department started giggling. I had no idea why until I opened up the curtain to the room. I’ll never forget the experience.
In front of me was a relatively normal-looking female in her 20s. As soon as I started asking her basic questions, I knew something was off. She was providing very bizarre answers. Then, out of nowhere, she took her hand and reached under the blanket and her gown towards her back. Her hand came up with a fistful of poop.
She then proceeded to go straight to her mouth with it. It caught me so off guard I actually started laughing and walked directly out of the room and called the on-call psychiatrist. The nurses outside had been laughing because this wasn't the first time she had been in for similar behavior.
25. It Wasn’t Me
I'm a very anxious person. I went to see my doctor about said anxiety and whilst sitting there listening to him talk about medication, I was of course beginning to feel increasingly more anxious. An immediate symptom of anxiety is sweaty hands, and so I was sitting there with my hands becoming clammy and I was holding them together on my knees.
When it came to my turn to talk, I anxiously squeezed my clam-hands together and made a very authentic sound of passing gas. I didn't really know what to do so I sort of made an "Oh!" expression and said sorry. He said it was fine but it was on my mind the rest of the day. I still think about it.
26. Attaboy
I'm not a doctor but an ophthalmic assistant. Part of my job is poking people in the eye with a tiny ultrasound "pen" (tonometer) to test eye pressures. It's not too uncommon for people to faint during this test, because they hold their breath or just get freaked out from sitting still having their eyes poked. It’s a common phobia.
I was administering this test to a young man, around 18 years old, while his father was in the room. His dad was going to pay for laser eye surgery and was there for support. Well, despite playing brave, the kid fainted. He fainted right into my chest. My chest was huge at the time because I was three months pregnant, so he got a soft landing.
I would normally catch a patient and assist accordingly, but this kid just fell forward before I could catch him. I dropped my pen and put my hands on his shoulders to push him back into the chair. Then he moaned, then kind of rolled his head side to side, with his face disappearing into my lab coat. All the while his dad was in the room, staring, stunned, and wide-eyed.
After the kid recovered (his dad finally stood up and helped me get his head between his knees) he was a little disoriented and glazed. He looked at his dad, who said "Attaboy." I nearly fainted from embarrassment.
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27. Some Like It Rough
I had a woman come in complaining of pelvic pain once. Her boyfriend accompanied her and suddenly became nervous and uncomfortable when I asked her when the pain developed. She said it started about a week before when she and her boyfriend were having a romp in the sack. I was like, yeah, definitely time for the pelvic exam.
I noticed that when I started the pelvic exam, the boyfriend bolted out of the examination room. Turns out, the patient had a vulvar hematoma. Maybe don't Google image search that if you're queasy. It's trauma typically seen with bicycle accidents when a patient hits the seat. Hard. That wasn’t the awkward part though.
The awkwardness was in telling the boyfriend to take it easy.
28. Shrinkage?
A very attractive nurse friend of mine had to give an old guy in his 80s a bath on her second day on the job. She was nervous about the whole thing so one of the older nurses tried to comfort her. She told her that there wasn’t anything to see, everything down below would be shriveled, and that she would get accustomed to it pretty quickly.
My friend took that as fact. She mustered her courage and went to disrobe the old man to get him ready for the bath. When the robe dropped, however, she got the shock of her life. Apparently, the old guy was still packing some heat—seven inches on the flop. He must have been proud because he was grinning from ear to ear.
29. Approach The Roach
A doctor friend of mine told me about a patient that he had once. This patient was morbidly obese and needed surgery for something or the other. When they were cleaning the patient to prep him for surgery, they made a shocking discovery in the folds of his skin. There was a cockroach in there. Good thing the man was out cold or he might have passed out from embarrassment.
They didn’t know how long the thing had been in there but it was obviously long enough for the thing to suffocate. Apparently, they can’t survive everything.
30. Hide And Seek
I was working OB as an off-service resident. I went in to examine the patient who was in labor but had just arrived. She was morbidly obese and had an extremely large fat fold that I had to lift up to check for cervical dilatation. Upon lifting the fold there was this horrendous smell and a large quantity of black material.
It didn't really look like necrotic tissue to me so I grabbed a bottle of saline and started wiping away at the area. The patient suddenly looked down and screamed out to her husband to come over because, "He [referring to me] found it.” Turns out they played a game at home where they would hide chocolate ho-ho's in the fat folds on their body.
This one just happened to go missing for three days prior to coming to the hospital in labor.
31. Fresh Produce
I work as an OB-GYN. An attractive blonde international flight attendant—a regular patient of mine—called for an emergency appointment. She sheepishly told me that she was beginning to get very concerned that she kept finding Costa Rican postage stamps inside her. Now, I had been in my job for 24 years and never heard of anything like that before.
After a full examination, she was relieved to learn they were just the stickers from the bananas.
32. You’re Coconuts
I had a coconut stuck in my nose once. We had this board game called Monkeys & Coconuts. It had lima bean-sized plastic coconuts and I stuck one in my nose. My mom could not get it out, so off to the doctor we went. I was so scared when we got there that I started crying and my nose started running. Turns out we didn’t need the doctor after all.
The coconut came out all on its own. It’s been 45 years and I still hear about that awkward story.
33. Can You Hear Me Now?
I was having trouble hearing out of my left ear once. I can be extremely stubborn so I didn’t go to the doctor for about a week or so. When I finally gave in, I went to the doctor and the doctor said that it was probably just a blockage. The doctor’s solution was to wash my ear out. Well, when the blockage came out there was a spider in there, preserved in earwax.
My doctor is pretty professional but even he looked disturbed at that.
34. Why So Serious?
This is my story as a patient when I got stitches just under my knee cap. At some point, they had to clean it for surgery and so they gave me laughing gas so I wouldn't feel any pain. Then I started laughing so hard at an I Spy book that I farted right in front of five doctors and nurses. Most of them laughed because it was a pretty ridiculous situation.
The main doctor proceeded to say, "Well, well little missy, just what was that?" I started laughing so hard after he said that, that they had to stop what they were doing for five minutes while I stopped shaking with laughter.
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35. It’s A Buffet
I was working on the L&D floor in a rural hospital in Georgia as a fourth-year medical student and making my rounds. Late in the morning, I was checking up on a morbidly obese female who had given birth not too long before. She had had a C-section and while the procedure was underway, I noticed that she had a dollar bill tattoo near the surgical incision under her waistline.
When I came around to see her, I had to ask what the significance of her tattoo was. Her response made me turn redder than a beet. She said, "All you can eat under a buck.”
36. I Don’t Scare Easy
My dad is an interventional and cardiovascular radiologist. Years ago, he was doing an operation on a prison inmate. The guards had the inmate handcuffed to the table and remained in the room during the operation. The inmate, in an effort to scare my father, told him that he was in jail for manslaughter. Well, my dad doesn’t scare easy.
Without missing a beat, my dad replied to this inmate with, "The last guy I did this operation on didn’t make it either." The security guard chuckled and the inmate didn’t say another word for the rest of the procedure.
37. How’s The Weather Down There?
This happened to me with a licensed practical nurse. She was going to measure my waist (measuring from the belly button) and calculate my BMI. I guess I was too tall for her because she started to pull my shorts down looking for my belly button. I’m about six feet and five inches tall and she may have been five feet or about there. It took her forever to get the measurements.
38. Fly The Bird
This story is actually pretty cool and shows that my doctor was rad. I broke my middle finger in a metal door two years ago. I had to get my hand x-rayed. When I went in to get the x-ray, my doctor took one with my hand with all fingers out and another one me flipping the bird. I wish I had requested a copy of that birdie x-ray.
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39. May We Join You?
This happened with my gynecologist. I needed a biopsy. The doctor started to open me up and all of a sudden there was a knock on the office door. Another doctor and two young-looking girls stepped in. "This is a teaching office," the other doctor said. "Do you mind if some students sit in on this?" At that point, I was pretty exposed anyway.
Jokingly, I said "Sure! The more, the merrier!" I had no idea that he was being very serious. They spent the next two minutes explaining my lady parts to these girls as they looked on curiously. Then the doctor took too much of a sample during the biopsy and had a hard time getting the bleeding to stop.
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40. Take It On The Chin
I had an ingrown hair on my chin that I tried to squeeze out. In the process of doing so, the puss around the hair must have backfired and erupted. Over the course of the next few hours, my chin began to swell as if I had an abundant amount of gum or a jawbreaker stuck in my lower lip. Seeing as something was wrong, I went to the doctor the next day.
It was my first time with that particular doctor mind you which made the whole thing even more awkward. I told her the story of how my chin came to be with the added blurb of, "But at least I got that sucker out!" After examining my chin, she called in what I assumed to be a resident to see the golf ball lump that had formed on my chin.
I reacted by exclaiming, "Gee, this doesn't make me feel showcased or awkward by any means.” Apologies and laughter ensued. The doctor prescribed me some pills and my lump infection was gone within two days.
41. Parting Gifts
I went for a physical when I was 14. At that point, I'd had my first period but it wasn't very regular yet. At school that day it just happened to start and it started with a vengeance. All I had with me was panty liners and that wasn't going to cut it so I ended up going into the bathroom and stuffing my underwear with toilet paper, like you do.
Of course, when I get to the doctor she said, "Since you're a teenager and you're going through a lot of changes, I’d like to do a check of your stuff down there just to make sure everything looks ok. Nothing internal, just external." So, I pulled my underwear down and a ton of bloody bunched-up toilet paper fell out. I tried to pick it up before she noticed but she definitely did.
She was cool about it though. Before she left the room, she gave me a "goody bag" (just a little bag with a sample of acne cream, candy, and random little toys she gave kids before they left) and slipped a pad into the bag as well. What a pal.
42. Lights Out, Pants Off
I was seeing a urologist in a hospital once. During my visit, there were a couple of power cuts. The lights dipped out but the generators kicked in, thankfully. As the urologist was finishing the examination, mid-sentence, the lights went out again. This time, however, the generator did not kick in right away. The urologist got up and walked out to check on things.
15 minutes later, the lights came back on. I was still sitting on the bed with my old chap out and pants around my ankles. A nurse walked past the open door and does one of those comedy double-takes. “Do…do you have an appointment?" she asked. Turns out, the urologist had actually finished the examination and returned to the ward a while ago.
To the nurse, I was just some guy who had walked in and pulled his pants down and left the door open. Awkward.
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43. This Promise I Keep
During a yearly check-up, my doctor was concerned about my weight. I promised him I'd do better and that next year I would be back down to a healthy weight. Maybe a week or so later my doctor saw me at a local pub with a plate of hot wings in front of me and a pint of ale. He was a bro about it and didn't say anything but I could see the look of disappointment in his eyes.
44. Pearl Of Wisdom
This isn’t really an embarrassing story because my doctor is amazing but anyway. I went to the doctor when I was around 16. I'd started developing allergies for the first time and wanted to get it checked out. She checked my nose and throat. Yup, sure enough, it was allergies. Then she checked my right ear and literally said, "What the heck is that?"
I was like, "Oh, sorry. Yeah, I get a lot of ear wax." And she was like, "No. It's shiny." Backtrack to four days before that. I was a rebellious teen and wanted to stretch my ears without my mom knowing. So, being the smart kid that I was, I had hot glued some pearls to the plugs so they looked like earrings. One morning I woke up and one was missing and I couldn't find it.
I had to tell my doctor that my "earring" broke and I'd been looking for that pearl for days. She laughed, I laughed, she tried to get it out and couldn't. She eventually had to call an ENT doctor instead. I ended up getting it out at home later.
45. The Mad Surgeon
I am the son of a surgeon. I went with my dad to see an elderly patient who needed to have a cast removed. I was about nine and we were going to an assisted living facility to take of this lady's cast off. She couldn’t make it to the hospital herself on account of her being so old so he was kind of making a house call.
He had a little saw to remove the cast. It was actually pretty loud and intimidating. But he touched it while it was on to show this little old lady that it wasn't going to cut her. Apparently, that little demonstration hadn’t been enough. Upon him touching the saw to her cast, she started screaming like a banshee and freaking out.
She was yelling, “He’s cutting my arm off!" The poor thing was so scared. I was also pretty scared because my dad just kept going. When we got in the car to go home, he burst out laughing saying it was just hilarious. I wasn't as amused. I’m sure that old lady nearly had a heart attack.
46. You’re Not My Doctor
Although I am a doctor this story happened to my great uncle, who was also a doctor. He practiced in a rural town in Australia. So, my great uncle had a practice with another doctor named Dr. Snow. Snow had a son who had some form of intellectual disability. The way the story has been passed down, they make it sound like he was an imbecile.
I know it’s politically incorrect but that’s how they described him (different times). Anyway, one day Dr. Snow was seeing some patients and his son, aged in his mid-20s, was hanging around the practice. Dr. Snow went off to do something and in the meantime, his son decided to play doctor. He put on the white coat and opened the door and the next patient came in.
It was a pregnant woman. He asked her to undress and turned his back. When he turned back around he looked her up and down and said, “What, no Johnson?” The woman ran screaming out one door and he ran screaming out another. I think they were both pretty embarrassed.
47. A Curious Stranger
I’m an ER doctor. I was interviewing a fairly attractive young lady about a pelvic complaint. She answered all of my questions quite comfortably with some guy in the room. I hand her a gown so she could change for the pelvic exam, and she said, "Can you ask this guy to leave first? He just followed me in here from triage."
That’s the last time I neglected to establish the relationship of all the people in the room.
48. Sounds Like A Cool Dude
While working in the hospital, a very attractive female in her mid-20s came in with her boyfriend complaining of abdominal pain. Part of the work-up required a pelvic exam and bimanual exam (that meant putting two fingers into the patient’s cervix). I offered to have a female perform the exam but she said it was ok if I did it.
A chaperone was present but her boyfriend demanded to watch as well. Now, I’m a professional but the whole situation got really weird. The patient’s boyfriend stood across the foot of the bed from me. He stared me directly in the eyes with a scowl the entire time I performed the bimanual exam. It made for a very uncomfortable situation for all—but it wasn't even over.
After the exam, the boyfriend pulled me aside and told me that he thought he knew why his girlfriend was in pain. He claimed to have "[bedded] her harder than ever” the previous night. I have no idea why he felt the need to say that but I assume it was because he was trying to prove something. It was the strangest encounter I’ve had with a patient or their family.
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49. The Potato Famine
I worked as an ER nurse. The most awkward story I have comes from this one crazy old lady. One day this little hermit of an old lady who never leaves her house came into the ER. Her chief complaint was, "I've got the greens." Now, we had no idea what that meant so I had to interview her to find out more. It was the craziest thing.
Turned out that she had a problem with uterine prolapse. That can happen a lot with older women who have had a bunch of kids—their uterus literally sags partway out of them. Apparently, she got tired of her saggy uterus so she used a potato—a Yukon Gold to be specific—like a cork. Yup, stuck the thing right up in there.
As if that wasn’t weird enough, she forgot all about her Yukon Gold and, well, potatoes like to sprout in dark, moist environments. So, she pulled down her pants to reveal that she literally had shrubbery growing down there. I mean, she was giving new meaning to “bush.” The doctor had to go in after that thing to get it out.
I'll tell you; I've never smelled something that horrible in my life.
50. Let’s See Those Pearly Whites
This is kind of awkward and kind of sad. My mom was a hygienist and she had an older patient that liked to nap while she cleaned his teeth. She really didn’t mind it—it was kind of a relaxing process. Anyhow, one day he suffered a silent heart attack while in her chair. She'd been cleaning his teeth through it all and had no idea that he had passed away.
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