Confidence is important. It's hard to get anywhere without it—but what happens when someone has a little too much confidence? Some people think they can handle anything—and eventually, it comes back to bite them. Whether it’s utterly hilarious or absolutely devastating, there are few experiences more satisfying than watching a total jerk get in over their head and pay the price for it.
1. Consider the Source
My dad is a physician and is sometimes called as a professional witness in cases of malpractice. In one memorable case, a family was suing a doctor for something fairly frivolous, and my dad was a witness for the defense. The lawyer representing the family was cross-examining my dad, and brought up a chapter in a medical textbook and asked my dad to read a highlighted paragraph.
He does, and the lawyer says something to the effect of, "So, what you just read means <blah blah medical thing>." My dad confidently replied, "No, it does not mean that." The lawyer says, "No but if you read xyz, the author clearly states <blah blah medical thing>." Again, my dad says, "No, really, that's not what the author means."
The lawyer didn’t know what he was getting himself into. "How do you know that's not what the author meant?" Dad replies, "Well, because I wrote it." The judge basically facepalmed while the lawyer mimicked a goldfish and stared at the author's name on the chapter. Basically the best moment of my dad's professional life. And yes, the ruling was in the defendant's favor.
2. There's Always a But
I represented this guy who was in WAY over his head. This guy wanted custody over his children after a divorce, but his wife was accusing him of physical harassment. He was asked if he had ever laid his hands on his wife, and he straight-up said: "Yes, but only when she annoyed me." I was ready to leave the courtroom and laugh.
3. Aw, Muffin!
When riding the bus home from high school one day, a little elementary school boy decided throwing chunks of muffin at me from across the bus was a great idea. Poor kid—he had no clue who he was messing with. I began collecting the small pieces one by one, and as I walked off the bus, I turned to him, looked him straight in the eyes, and shoved a handful of muffin right into his face.
4. Slamming the Slow Door
I was kicking a customer out for being bigoted and cursing at one of my employees. He yelled offensive stuff and then he tried to slam the door on his way out, but it had one of those things on it that makes the door close slowly. He pushed it hard, it didn't budge, and he slipped and fell on the floor. We had a good laugh—serves him right.
5. In All Honesty
I'm cross-examining the alleged victim and in answering my question she says, "Oh yeah, I lie all the time!" Needless to say, I won that trial.
6. (Don’t) Take Me to the River
When I was younger, I let my older cousin talk me into a canoe ride down a flooded river. We'd planned it days in advance, but there was a lot of heavy rain in the area and the normally calm river was near flood-level and quite rough. I really didn't want to do it but I didn't want to let him down either, so I still went. It backfired horribly.
I knew as soon as we saw the river that this was a terrible idea. I honestly thought we were going to perish. We had no control, and at one point we got stuck nose-down in a large rock, knowing if we tipped out we were drowning. We somehow made it out and to the shore, where we walked back with the canoe.
7. Told You So
I was in court, and the case before ours was going on way longer than it should have. The defense lawyer calls for a motion to dismiss, claiming lack of evidence. The judge says he will entertain said motion after lunch, hits his gavel, and says court will reconvene at 1 pm, court dismissed. The defendant stands up and says real loudly, "Told you I could get away with stealing that stuff!" He thought his case had been dismissed.
8. Stuck With Double
There was a set of twins who were both pretty loud and out of control. During a group activity, one of them got the bright idea to stick his head into the hole of a plastic chair. He got stuck. He immediately began screaming, with his brother crying out, “My brother!” All the adults were trying not to laugh. We got him out OK.
9. It Didn’t Add up
I interned in a class with this kid who always thought he was smarter than everyone else. He was pretty smart, but not by too much. Yet he always got paired with kids who weren’t as smart as him, so he would always be super smug when dealing with them. During one parent-teacher conference, we found out exactly where he got it from.
His parents thought he was the smartest kid in the school. They built him up as that and they got him thinking it, too. In this meeting, they even went off on the teacher, saying she “was bringing him down” and that she “was terrible.” The conference ended when the teacher left the room crying. But it didn't take long for sweet revenge.
About a week later, there was an event where parents came to watch their children do math games with other students. Well, the teacher paired this smug little kid with the actual smartest kid in class. The kid got destroyed in the math games. His parents were so flustered, they left before it was all done and took him out of school for the rest of the day.
10. Restraining Order Backfire
A wife filed for a restraining order because she wanted the house during her divorce. The husband has a good job, like $200k per year. The employer finds out about the restraining order and fires the husband. He was a very specialized employee, so the only job he can find close to the house and his daughter is $50k. Ooh boy, did this not go well.
The house gets foreclosed. Child support is set at less than $500 per month. The wife has to get a job as a waitress.
11. No-Grass Pass
I was on a crowded subway at 2:00 am. Two intoxicated dudes had a lit joint and were walking around flaunting it. The whole train kept ignoring them, and they kept parading around being a bunch of morons. Then they spotted two taller, athletic-looking dudes and started making fun of them for "looking like pigs." This turned out to be huge mistake.
It was the line "Which one of you is the sergeant??" that finally put the athletic guys over the edge. They looked at each other, smiled, reached into their pockets, and pulled out their badges. "Okay boys, empty your pockets." The subway blew up in laughter...they would have gotten away with EVERYTHING if they just didn't go bother the two plain-clothes officers.
12. Cleaning Up My Act
I was a school bus driver in the 70s during the height of court-ordered bussing, so I ferried poor kids to the rich side of town, then rich kids the other way. Lots of entitled brats, but one stands out. Super entitled kid, constantly defying rules. Eventually, I caught him (with too many witnesses) attempting to set a bus seat on fire with his lighter.
School officials were called. Hearing with officials and rich dad—and he's banned from all buses rest of semester. Dad offers to pay for the damage and quietly accepts the punishment. Then comes the surprise. Next morning when I arrive at 6:00 am to clean my bus (regular task every morning), the rich kid and his dad are standing there.
Dad introduces me to my "new personal bus cleaner" for the rest of the year. He brings the kid every morning and forces him to wash and clean the floors on my bus before taking him on to his school. By the end of the year, the entitled kid is actually working hard and being friendly. We're getting along pretty well and I help him out sometimes so he can get on to school. Kid turns out okay when all is over.
13. Laser Sharp Revenge
Once at a laser tag birthday party, there was a 12-13-year-old little jerk following people around and shooting them over and over. Every time the game would come back on, he'd go to town and shoot you multiple times. He'd follow the same players everywhere. He kept doing it to one of my friends and me, and even did it to my friend’s little brother despite multiple warnings.
After the second time telling him to stop, I checked him to the ground…and ripped a huge one right on his head. It was perfectly timed—but it got even better. He cried and told his parents I had been mean to him, but I just told him he was following us around and then tripped and fell. They bought it and apologized for their child. Awesome.
14. Arms Up
A witness on the stand was claiming that he had suffered injuries to his arm because of a city bus accident. The lawyer asked him to demonstrate to the jury how far he can lift up his arm after the accident. The witness makes a feeble effort of lifting his arm. Then the lawyer asks the witness to demonstrate to the jury how far he could lift up his arm before the accident. He lifts his arm much higher. The jury laughs. The case is over.
15. Matter of Manners
I was in court for a directions hearing. The judge was already in a bad mood and asked why we were here for such a pointless litigation. The barrister starts to make our case when I hear, "EXCUSE ME, WHY WERE YOU SO RUUUUUUDE TO ME?" We had told our client NOT to come and yet here she was in court. Evidently, she'd heard how stupid the judge thought her case was and she was not happy.
She berated the judge for about 3 minutes while my co-counsel and I desperately tried to shut her up. The case did not go very well to my client's surprise and fury.
16. The Latex Conspiracy
I had a teacher that thought latex allergies were fake. One day we did an experiment with balloons and a kid said she was allergic to latex and the teacher screamed, “NO YOU AIN’T!” She then started rubbing her violently with the balloon. It was a crazy sight to see, and the whole class was flabbergasted. Clearly, this woman should not have been a teacher. She got fired that semester.
17. Slippery Slope
I was mountain biking with some friends on a new trail, which wasn't even a bike trail. We hiked most of the way up since it was too steep to ride up. Rested at the top for a bit…and then we rolled over the edge. I remember as my front tire crested and gravity started taking over I thought, "There's no way I'm stopping now, unless a tree stops me."
18. Lost in Translation
My wife is a middle school math teacher. The year when the #MeToo movement was all over the news, the principal decided to do a presentation at a staff meeting about how the students and staff might be impacted. The unfortunate thing is, this principal was technologically illiterate. He had evidently never heard the word hashtag.
He seemed to think it was still called a pound sign. Consequently, during the entire presentation, he talked about the "Pound Me Too Movement."
19. Back off My Buns
There was an elementary school next to my high school, and some of the kids who went there were really messed up. They were like eight or 10, standing outside and being rude little jerks to everyone who walked past them. We were actually shocked with their vocabulary. Anyway, one day I was walking by, alone, eating some buns.
This one kid comes up to me with a smug look on his face and yells, "GIVE ME A BUN, YOU IDIOT!" The look on my face was must have been something like shock or disbelief as I replied, "No! Screw Off!" to him before I turned my back on the kid and started walking away to get to my next class on time. Big. Mistake.
I suddenly feel a slight push and weight added to my back. The kid was hanging on my back, pulling my hair and screaming "GIVE ME A BUN!" I felt like I had been jumped by an angry leper gnome. In my panic, the only thought I had in my head was "OH MY GOD! GET THIS OFF OF ME!” In some weird move worthy of WWE, I spun around quickly while straightening my back and loosened my backpack, which caused this little jerk to fly off me.
He spun around in the air and landed face-first on the concrete. He immediately started crying like the kid he was. I proceeded to walk over to him. His teary, fear-filled eyes stared up at me as I picked up my backpack. I turned my back on him again, picked up a new bun, and enjoyed the fading sound of that brat's crying as I walked away, eating my sweet bun.
20. The First Million Is Always the Hardest
This kid I knew won a cool million off a scratch ticket when he was 19. Acted like a big shot. Arrogantly buying rounds of drinks for entire bars…didn't do anything for 20 years. Then he got the last check. Suddenly, he was an alcoholic with no savings, no assets, and no skills. He's now in and out of hospitals for alcohol problems and mental breakdowns.
Lost his paper-hat job, his girlfriend, everything.
21. Family Feud
In grade school when I was about 11 years old, a guy on the school bus relentlessly teased my 9-year-old younger brother. For months, this jerk just wouldn't stop harassing him. I finally got sick of it, confronted him, and told him to knock it off. This didn't slow him down one bit. As soon as I got out of his face, the teasing and badgering continued. So I took it to the next level.
I casually hopped back into the same seat as the jerk and then I slammed his head into the window so hard that the window cracked. He didn't say a word, but I could see him quietly try to cover up his tears. With that done, I went back to my seat. He never messed with my brother again, nor did anybody else on that bus, come to think of it.
Normally I am not a physically aggressive person, but after seeing my little brother tormented every day, I had enough. I never felt bad for hurting the kid, since he had it coming. Still, I surprised myself that I actually did slam him, but I would do it again in a heartbeat to protect my little brother. You don’t mess with my family.
22. He’ll Be Watching You
I did a math test and, on the paper, you could ONLY mark your answer and had to do the calculations on another sheet. Long story short, my teacher lost my calculations paper and wouldn’t admit it. He said I didn’t hand it over, claiming that I cheated and calling me names. So, I went to the school supervisor and asked to take the test again, and she let me.
My teacher asked to look while I did the test, and he made it, immensely more difficult. Guess what!? I freaking aced it, right in front of him. Serves him right, he messed with the wrong student. He hated my guts for the rest of high school and I couldn’t care less.
23. History Lesson
A couple of years ago in my English class, a group of kids were giving a bad presentation to begin with, but instead, they proceeded to make it infinitely worse by confidently saying that some guy’s dad had been in World War III. Not I or II, but III. And they said it multiple times. My English teacher kept glaring at our table and motioning for us to not laugh because we were losing it.
24. Let ‘Er Rip
I was on the beach, and there was a girl caught in the riptide. Without thinking, I stepped off the sandbar I could already barely reach and swam out to her. Except I didn’t really understand how a riptide worked. I remember calling out to people walking their dogs on the beach, but we were so far out they didn't even look towards us. It took what felt like hours but, spoiler alert, we made it.
25. Facing a Painful Reality
There was this kid in high school who was such a jerk. He got into multiple fights, and somehow that got him thinking he was a good fighter. On one occasion, he got into a fight in the parking lot, and someone actually put his head through a car window, like, fully broke the glass with his face. He didn't learn his lesson, but man was it rewarding for the rest of us.
26. The Prescription Writing on the Wall
I was involved in a custody dispute. The dad alleged the mom was doing all sorts of things, and he should have the kid. The dad's attorney grilled the mom about texts she had sent where she was trying to sell prescription pills. She wouldn't admit it. It seemed like the dad's attorney moved on...until he came up with a brilliant trap.
He eventually ended with, "One more question. Where did you get the pills you were selling." Mom responds without thinking, "Oh, my doctor prescribed them."
27. Digging Your Own Hole
I was running laps on a grass field when I was about to lap a guy who would ALWAYS lap the tar out of me. So, as I passed him I yelled, "Gotcha, loser!"...and immediately stepped in a hole in the ground and twisted my ankle. Despite the pain of jacking my ankle up, I thought the karmic payout was hilariously timed.
28. Solid as a Rock
One of the most infuriating cases I’ve had as a defense lawyer was a guy that got busted for selling rocks to a confidential informant. The CI was wired for sound and video so the whole transaction is crystal clear. Plus, the authorities ID'ed his car as the one that drove to the scene, plus he was stopped a couple of hours later with the buy money in his possession AND the serial numbers were recorded.
The prosecutor offered him five years which was the mandatory minimum. He absolutely declined to even consider a plea, insisted on a jury trial, insisted on taking the stand and telling a ridiculous story about how it wasn't him in the video even though there wasn't any doubt. I felt like Lionel Hutz trying to string together a closing argument with a straight face. He got 20 years.
29. Karate Can’t Help You Now
When my brother was in school, he was horrifically teased for being autistic. And his teaser was the most entitled little jerk I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. His father paid for boxing practice, karate lessons, and other martial arts. This made him think that he was the best at literally anything physical.
My brother isn't overly fond of sports, and prefers to read in the library. As the typical nerdy kid, he's a prime target for harassers. One day when the harasser had cornered my brother up against a wall, my brother finally decided that he wasn't just going to take it anymore. But he strongly dislikes fighting, and thus would not be fighting back.
Instead, when the harasser tried to punch him...my brother ducked. Three broken fingers and a trip to the hospital later, the harasser’s father finds out what had been happening. All his extra classes/training were canceled, he had all of his electronics and games sold, and if he wanted to have a car, he would have to work for every penny himself.
30. Semantics in the Court
I am not a lawyer, but I witnessed a pathologist win a case in court by destroying the defense's credibility. The question was over whether or not carbon monoxide toxicity could have caused certain signs of death in an individual, but the defense didn't study their chemistry very well and kept asking the pathologist whether "carbon dioxide" could have caused these signs.
After thoroughly frustrating the defense by answering his questions "incorrectly," the pathologist said very loudly, "OH I'm sorry, did you mean carbon monoxide? Because that's a completely different thing." Completely destroyed the defense's credibility in front of the jury. They were done after that. So, I guess the opposing counsel screwed himself by not picking up a book.
31. Growing Up Fast
I grew up with rich kids and still keep in touch with a few of them. One guy's father owned the most prestigious firm in town. He said his life changed the moment he called his father from the slammer the second time it happened. His father said, "Well, sorry to hear you got detained, good luck," then hung up. He said getting locked back into his cell was the singular moment that completely turned his life around.
32. Gnarly, Dude
I'm from San Diego, and during the summer you have to claim the bonfire pits on the beach really early in the morning if you want it for that night. So, my friends and I got to the beach at 8:00 am and stayed there so we could get a bonfire going into the night. Just before sundown, this one couple asked if they could share it with us.
Since our group wasn't too big, we said yes. However, that couple proceeded to bring a group of like 15 others and they literally surrounded the pit and pushed us out. We were furious, but we were so tired from being at the beach all day that we decided to head out. Little did we know, they were going to get what was coming to them.
See, it turns out that that night had an extreme high tide warning. Just as we moved all of our stuff, a huge wave came in and washed out their whole group. The wave flipped over their table of food, took a handful of sandals into the ocean, and destroyed all their stuff. Karma's a witch, you bunch of no-good liars.
33. Justice Is Just Around the Corner
I used to lifeguard while in high school at a community pool with a big twisty water slide. There was always a guard at the slide for safety and what not, and one of the things we had to watch for were those kid's bathing suits with the built-in lifejacket. Due to the life jacket, inevitably the kids would end up hitting their heads pretty hard against the walls of the slide around the twists. Like, every time.
So one day, a boy wearing a lifejacket suit wants to go down the slide while I'm on duty. I told him that he wasn’t allowed due to the risk of injury. Five minutes later, the boy's mom comes up to me and starts yelling about how I wouldn't let her kid on the slide. So I calmly explain our policy due to past incidents, but she's having none of it.
The whole time, the kid was standing behind his mom with this smug look, like he knew he was going to get what he wants. So after a few minutes of this, I gave up and just said, "Fine go down the slide. Prove me wrong." Sure enough, as he's about halfway down, I hear two loud bangs as he gets thrown around in the slide.
As soon as he exits the slide, he starts crying. I, of course, would have administered first aid (give him an ice pack) because it's my job, but the mom just grabbed him, still crying, and left without making eye contact with anyone. I know it was probably more of the mom's fault than the kid's, but wiping that look off his face was incredibly gratifying.
34. Feeling Bad for the Children
I’m an attorney and a foster parent, and my wife won’t sit next to me when we have to go to court for our kids because I usually have a running commentary on how inept the attorneys are. The judge for this type of case knows me and knows I’m an attorney, so he finds this entertaining. Last time we went in there was one attorney, who is my FAVORITE, in the case before us. She was so far out of her depth.
Myself, the judge, and every other attorney hate her because she oblivious, loud, and incompetent. So she stands up in this case and goes “Your honor, my client has only been found guilty of child endangerment in another county. I see no reason that this court should hold that against him when it comes to custody of his children.” The judge did not agree.
35. Not Going Very Far
When I was teaching ESL, I once had a kid who thought he was all that. Sporty, relatively bright, and quite popular with his boy classmates, but went out of his way to annoy the girls. He was constantly taking pencils, copying work, messing up their hair, etc. He clearly just didn't know how to interact with females.
One day, he broke his leg and had to be on crutches for a while. As soon as I announced it was break time, the girl next to him took both crutches and ran away with them. Snacks got dealt out one-by-one, so kids weren't allowed to fetch for their friends. His friends all abandoned him for choco-pies, and he was left sitting, immobile and alone.
36. Call the Burn Unit
When I was about to get on the plane to my first semester of my very expensive medical school, my dad, never one for sentiment, said: “Well, you’re now actually worth more dead than alive, don’t screw this up.” God, I felt like I was in over my head in that moment.
37. Wrong Decade
When I was in 4th grade, a girl in my class did an oral report on Martin Luther King. The only problem was, she clearly had not done any research, because the entire presentation was about how Dr. King was a hero...for freeing the slaves. Nobody stopped her either. I was squirming in my seat.
38. With a Wave of a Hand
The main witness for the prosecution was on the stand and was asked if she could identify the defendant. She was scanning the courtroom & seemed confused—my friend was already silently celebrating because if she couldn't identify him, he could probably get all charges dropped. As he was mentally adding this case to the "win" file, he happened to glance over at his client who had just helpfully raised his hand to make it easier for her to identify him. Even the judge facepalmed on that one.
39. Firm Rage
In my sophomore year of high school, there was a kid in my math class that the teacher didn’t like. One day, the kid was sick and missed a test, so the teacher made it known that he hated the kid. The next day, the kid came in and asked to retake the test, and the teacher said he would email him when he could come in to take it.
Well, he sent the email. Two weeks pass and the kid is like “when can I take that test, Mr. Collins?” and Mr. Collins said, “you never came in to take it so you get a zero. Tough luck.” So, the kid stands up and very calmly and firmly states: “You told me you would email me when to come to take it, and you never did. I just lost all respect for you because of that.”
Mr. Collins threatened to send him to the principal’s office if he didn’t sit back in his seat, and the kid replied: “I’m going to go ahead and go there so I don’t lose my temper on you. That was really not cool.” And he just went to the dean's office. Mr. Collins never let him retake that test—but I've never seen a teacher look so out of his depth.
40. The Foster Sister
My family did foster care for a few years, and we fell in love with the last girl we took in—now my younger sister. She was required to keep in regular touch with her emotionally and physically abusive birth mom, the intention being for them to eventually reunite. This woman was a nightmare come to life. Every single time they interacted, she'd spend the duration painstakingly shredding my sister's self-confidence.
My parents worked hard to establish a strong rapport and a supportive environment, and she blossomed under their care. She's one of the most resilient people I know. When the state tried to return her to her mom, she didn't want to go, so my parents sued (I think? Don't really know all the details) for guardianship.
This seemed like it would be an uphill battle; here we were, a family of random people trying to "steal" a kid from her rightful mom. We were really afraid that she would have to go back, and that her terrible family would systematically undo all the hard work she'd done rebuilding her self-esteem. Fortunately, her dumb mom decided to represent herself at the guardianship hearing.
I wasn't in the room, but I heard the audio recording later on, and it's incredible how thoroughly this woman shot herself in the foot. Some highlights: She kept trying to testify while cross-examining people, e.g., "Would it surprise you to learn that blah blah blah?" The judge called her out for this like six separate times and she just kept doing it. She would admit to various incidents of emotional torment, but then try to argue that it was all justified because her daughter was being difficult. She'd ask witnesses, for example, "And wouldn't you be angry if your daughter did XYZ? Yes or no?"
My personal favorite and the best example of her proving our case: "It is absolutely not true that I hit my daughter with a wooden spoon! I only tried and missed. I'll prove it, I can show you the mark it left in the doorframe." Needless to say, we won guardianship. My sister never has to see that awful woman again unless she darn well pleases.
41. Did I Do That?
Somewhat distant relative spent all of his university years and twenties partying hard with the ~$100-120K allowance his rich company-owning father gave him each year. He'd travel the world each year going to Bali, Thailand, Europe, every year Oktoberfest, just rampaging. At 32 or so he decided to settle in an upscale ski resort area of the US and open a business with his hot gold digger fiancé.
When he went to transfer his money to his US bank account, he noticed it only came to a few thousand dollars. He angrily asked the bank worker why she hadn't transferred the entire amount only to be told that that was the entire amount. His father had cut him off without saying anything and he just hadn't noticed. Absolute flatline.
42. Worth It?
When I was a teenager, I was mowing the lawn and noticed a big anthill. I thought to myself, "Screw those ants," and I positioned the mower on top of the hill and let it sit there while I gleefully destroyed the ants' home. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I started feeling stinging around my ankles and when I looked down, I discovered I was standing in an even bigger ant hill. The next day, my legs were covered in swollen ant bites.
43. Bowling Him Over
My five-year-old cousin was being a huge brat. He kept challenging all the adults to Wii Bowling and crushing them, which is cool, but he was just being really obnoxious about winning. The rest of the family was pretty oblivious, and actually found it cute. He's 12, so I have no problem with him being obnoxious to me, but I knew if he did that in the playground, he could potentially get his butt kicked.
He had some hearing problems when he was a baby, so he was in a special school to help him catch up, and I don't believe that school had normal recess—so he wouldn't learn about not being a jerk until it was too late. I didn't want him to enter normal high school and just think this could fly. So, I said, "Ooh, Wii Bowling? I'll play you." I scored a 264 to his 140, and I didn't say a word about it. I never taunted him, I just played and put the controller down. He wasn't so obnoxious after that.
44. But It's My Favorite
This was literally the first thing I ever did as a law student intern. My client has a good defense on a possession case. Substances were found in a jacket, but my guy wasn't wearing a jacket, so they were going to have a very difficult time proving that the jacket belonged to him. I had a long meeting with the client and explained everything. He was excited—but he was about to screw it all up so hard.
Day of the preliminary hearing, the guy shows up and sits down directly in front of the officer who took him in...while wearing the jacket in question. The exact same jacket we were going to say they couldn't prove belonged to him.
45. Liar, Liar, Recommendation’s on Fire
There was a compulsive liar of a kid who told me all sorts of doozies for four years. His senior year, he asked me to write a letter of recommendation. I did—because I had an ingenious plan. I included every lie I could remember him telling me as though it was the truth and I was pumping him up. Oh man, it was so good.
He couldn't even show it to his family because I wrote about how he volunteers at homeless shelters every night, raises hundreds of rescue dogs to become service dogs, how he donates blood every week, etc. Any one of the statements was obviously impossible to be true. I hope he didn't try to use it, but I never got a call from anyone to verify my recommendation.
46. It’s Getting Hot in Here
“Here, try this hot wing.” I took a bite and for the next 18 hours, I could only focus on how this was an inhumane act. It was The Last Dab XXX on a drumstick. It was coated all over. I just ate one big bite. Then I went and shoved my head under a cold shower. Then, it was bed and bathroom for several hours as I threw up most of it, but some got digested.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I knew that it was going to be hot. My former roommate was a hot sauce aficionado. He never once handed me a wing that was less than a habanero sauce. The question was how hot it was going to be. I never would have imagined.
47. Court Jester
We had an assembly where the students that helped planned Homecoming were supposed to announce the nominations for Homecoming King and Queen. It had a theme and a short skit. Well, at one point, the audio they were using as the cue for the skit failed. They all just kind of paused for technical difficulties–but then this one girl from the planning committee started singing a random Disney song a cappella while improvising a dance to go along with it.
I guess she thought it would be a good distraction from them trying to fix the audio or something. She kept trying to get people to join in with her, but nobody did, and she eventually just kind of trailed off mid-song and started pouting because nobody would sing with her. Then, once they got the audio fixed for the skit, she pouted and snapped all the way through the rest of her lines, which made everything even more uncomfortable. I just wanted to get out of there.
48. Best to Tell the Truth
My friend's mom was a defense lawyer for a hospital. Her job was to represent doctors accused of malpractice or anything relating to doctor/patient interaction. She had one case where a female patient had accused a male doctor of touching her inappropriately several times during a procedure. Allegedly, the doctor had been coached to say that it's possible that he inadvertently brushed the patient's chest, and that if it happened, it was an unintentional consequence of following standard procedures.
So, they get to the deposition and I guess the first question the doctor gets is something along the lines of, "Walk me through what happened." This guy was a medical doctor, I assumed he'd be able to handle himself. I was so wrong. This guy just shrugs and says, "I don't know what you want me to say, man. I'm a tit guy. Always have been." They settled.
49. Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better
I completed my studies in Asia. And as such there are some pretty big cultural differences. One day in class a lecturer who was known for being a little nuts walked into class in a particularly poor mood. As an example we had a student from China whose English was fairly underdeveloped, and he needed to look at the slideshow on his laptop to follow and take notes in his native language. He kicked him out of class because he had his laptop out while he was talking and when he tried to explain, the lecturer threatened to leave the class and file a report against us.
On this day he got upset with me because I mentioned to a nearby classmate that I needed a pen. He shouted at me, saying “You there! Are you having fun?! Do you think you could teach this class?! Come up here and teach! I dare you!” Little did he know I am a certified lecturer and have taught TESOL students young and old for three years. So I did. When I was done with his three page slideshow, I went and sat down in my place. He yelled a little more, then left the class.
50. The View
I worked as an intern for a lawyer. Construction laws in France are quite strict in regard to the neighboring of historical monuments. The city was denying a permit for heavy modification of the house of our clients. They were arguing that because you could see the house from the church's bell tower, modifications were impossible.
These people had no clue what they were doing. As support, they "kindly" linked us to a 360° picture from said bell tower. We, also kindly, pointed out that our clients' house was, indeed, not visible from the top of the church. Building permit was greenlit the following day.
51. Spoiled & Dumb
A kid in college was a roommate of a friend of mine. He was always bratty and spoiled but hung out with us as if he were a good friend and we let him chill with us because sometimes he wasn't bad. Then one day we heard him arguing with his mom on the phone that he needed more money. From the ensuing argument, we learned that he had, in less than one year, burned through $30 grand that his parents gave him for food and discretionary spending.
Mind you, he was not paying for tuition, or lodging, or his car with this money. It was basically just food money, as all those other things were also already covered by his parents. He was calling his mother some really nasty things, and hung up on her. Then his father called and they got in an argument, cussing each other out.
At the end of that call, he threw his iPhone at the wall and shattered it (this was the original iPhone). Turns out they cut him off and basically he had to drop out of school and drive back home (out of state) because he couldn't afford to do anything anymore (and of course was too good to work a pleb's job).
52. The Countdown Begins
I work for a unloading service in a warehouse. One of the guys on my crew is an absolute little whiner sometimes. Complains about his work, tries to leave early every day, bums smokes off everyone without ever bringing his own pack, etc. He even owes some of my other coworkers money, I believe. But the worst was yet to come.
On Thursday, he lost his mind over a produce load and threw a temper tantrum: Kicking boxes, tearing down tall pallets of product, and causing a lot of damage...right as the site manager walked by his trailer door. Got suspended without pay and was told he is on his last chance with the company. Sweet, sweet, karma.
53. Not Book Smart
I did this unintentionally, but when I saw the payoff, I had no regret whatsoever. I used to live with my two younger cousins. They were seven and four at the time. They always came into my room and messed it up, awful stuff like peeing on my shirt and tearing up my books. I couldn’t lock my room, because my aunt had an open-door policy in her home.
So I had to put my school bags and projects on the top of the shelf, which is about seven-feet high. Well, one day those brats come in, try to climb the bookshelf, and it ends up tipping and they fall off. They both had to get stitches.
54. Ableism in Effect
I was the plaintiff in a tribunal suing for wrongful termination. My representative says, “So you terminated him because he was ill?” Employer responds, “Yes.” My representative continues, “And he was ill because he's disabled?” Again, the employer says yes. “So you fired someone for being disabled?” Employer says, “Yes.”
55. First-Grade Justice
Last year, I had a 7-year-old in my class who was just a pain. He would throw things around the classroom, pinch other children, poke them with pencils, and he was rude to everyone but would always blame it on someone else. Talking to his parents wouldn't help because they believed everything their little "angel" said.
One break time, he was harassing another child, and I guess they just had enough. This usually mild-mannered child punched him in the stomach. It was so hard, the horrible child even wet himself. Then, all of the other children who witnessed it completely closed ranks and denied that it ever happened. We couldn't follow it up.
56. A Watery Wait
As a Boy Scout at summer camp, we would always take large group hikes on the last day of camp. This particular camp in west Texas was located in the middle of a deep canyon and cut through with a small stream. The day before our hike day, it rained a bit and was still drizzling when we got up, but not too much to make us worry.
So our long hike had us cross the small stream up the canyon maybe 10-15 times, no problem, and everything went great. At first. We passed this small pond, and then we get to the top of a mound and we suddenly hear this wonderfully ominous rushing noise. We look over a ledge and see that the water in the stream was moving a bit faster than we remembered.
A friend and I volunteer to go back and see what’s happened. What we saw stunned us. A FLASH FLOOD had ripped through the area we had just left moments before. The water in the pond was at least seven feet higher than it was five minutes before, and it was covered in foam and rapidly overflowing. But we didn’t even know how bad it was.
We decided as a group to test our luck and go back to see if we could get out, but the last stream crossing had turned into a very fast-moving river crossing. Needless to say, we were screwed. We literally couldn’t go back, and we had to wait a long time to get help and get to the now almost flooded camp. Not a fun day.
57. Pretentious Pair
One year, my school had two co-valedictorians and they decided to give their speech together. At the same time. They assumed they'd kill it—but they were so, so wrong. They switched off every couple sentences, for the entire speech. And instead of doing the typical valedictorian thing of being fake-humble and talking about the Future and Growth and Learning etc, they basically just congratulated themselves and each other the whole time for being so awesome.
At one point they even high-fived each other for being top of the class. It was painful.
58. What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You
The prosecutor suggested that my client had burgled canned goods to use them in the drug trade. I thought this was ludicrous, mocked the prosecutor, and turned to ask my client whether he'd ever done such a thing. He replied that he once exchanged a frozen chicken for coke. Needless to say, I didn’t win that one and I learned to never ask a question to which you don’t know the answer.
59. Field Day Fun
In the second grade, there was a girl who got seriously angry because the teacher said she couldn't participate in Field Day. The teacher said that I couldn't either because I didn't put my name on the paper. I wanted to cry. Meanwhile, the other girl went with fury over sadness. It was an incredible sight to behold. This eight-year-old girl gave the teacher the middle finger, yelled out the F word, and called the teacher a witch.
I was shocked because I was only seven. She kept calling the teacher names, and we laughed so hard. The teacher stopped teaching and cried in front of the class. The principal was called, and she got kicked out of school. Field Day was canceled. The thing was that the teacher would always mess with the girl and the girl had enough.
60. The Roofer
I am a former Insurance Fraud Investigator. We were at a hearing before the WCB. I had something like 18 hours of video spread over a two-week period of a claimant doing roofing work. The problem, for me, was that the video didn't get a clear face shot. Normally what we liked to do was get in close, show the face for a positive identification, and then zoom out.
Bonus if the claimant was wearing distinctive clothing that could easily be tied to him. Because of where this guy lived, all I could do was show someone who matched his description getting out of a truck registered to him every morning. He wore a hat, he had a beard, and he had neither at the hearing.
So, the company lawyer is prepping me and basically letting me know to be on point because the claimant's attorney is almost certainly going to challenge the fact that it is his client in the video. If the video got tossed, the case was lost. About two minutes into the hearing, the claimant's attorney agrees to stipulate to the fact that it is his client in all of the video. All of it. Our attorney was shocked. That was pretty much the only leg he had to stand on.
The claimant attorney was incredibly smug right after this like it was no big deal. Evidently, his strategy was to show that his client wasn't really a professional roofer since he was doing the roof the wrong way. He tried to get me to answer questions about roofing, I refused as it was beyond the scope of my work. And he just wouldn't let it go.
After about an hour of back and forth over this the judge finally said, "Counselor, it doesn't matter if your client is doing the work well. What matters is that he has stated, numerous times and under oath, that he cannot work. Whether he's doing it for free, for cash, or for fun has no bearing on the fact that he's doing roofing work while collecting compensation benefits which he was awarded because he couldn't do roofing work."
The guy lost and had to repay a bunch of benefits. After a few of those hearings I began formulating a list of lawyers I would never hire and ones I would absolutely want on my side.
61. Bambi Walks
There was only one coffee shop on my campus, operating out of the library building, and it was always crowded. You pretty quickly learned that if you wanted coffee before class, you got there 20 minutes early, grabbed a newspaper (I'm old, sue me) and took your time. It was always funny watching incoming freshmen crowd the line five minutes before their 8:00 a.m. and slowly filter out in despair as they realized there was absolutely no way they were reaching that sweet Sumatra nirvana in time.
Cue this little freshman girl dressed in the classic "campus t-shirt, jean shorts, blond ponytail coming out the ballcap" starter pack walking up, assessing the line stretching out the door, and boldly deciding to just sort of...skip it. Now the baristas were usually pretty cool with people skipping for simple things.
Dropping down a quarter for some scantrons or a buck for a cookie, anything that didn't require interaction. Not this girl. She caught the barista's attention, while the previous customer was still paying, and went, "Hi, yeah, can I get a latte please, like really quickly?" Barista replied, "Umm, the line starts back there.” Her response made my blood boil.
"But I have claaaaass," whined the freshman. There was an awkward pause before the barista responded. "You are on a college campus. Are you freaking serious?! Why do you think all these people are here?! Back of the line!" "Oh," was the only thing the freshman girl thought to say. As she turned to look at a line full of people staring daggers back at her, she looked not upset or embarrassed.
She looked sort of enraptured by this newfound understanding she’d just been imparted. It's like for first time in her entire life she realized that other people were in her way for reasons. It was actually kind of beautiful to watch, like a baby deer learning to walk for the first time. Better late than never.
62. The Big Boom
This is from my younger years. A friend of mine had a cousin visiting around Victoria Day in Canada, which involves a lot of fireworks. When I went to visit him, I was told he was in the backyard. I go back there and he and his cousin are setting off firecrackers. I ask if I can set a couple off, and they both start tossing lit firecrackers at me while laughing. They're having a ball—but they had no clue what was coming.
I figure that they are both acting like greedy jerks, so I decided to leave. Just as I'm about to, a spark gets into the firecracker bowl they had. The entire bowl ignites, no more firecrackers. The stunned look on my friend and his cousin's face was pure "karma is a witch." I laughed at them, since I'm sure they planned a whole afternoon of setting them off.
63. Ice Cold
This happened about eight years ago, and I was 22 at the time. The ice cream truck guy in my neighborhood made an announcement that he had one Choco Taco left. I hadn't really wanted one, but upon hearing that announcement and being a sucker for the frozen confection, I decided to make a mad dash for the bright green truck.
The neighborhood brat obviously also heard the last call and was hustling to the truck. Haha little jerk, I'm older and faster than you. I passed him, laughing loudly as I could hear him pleading with me to let him get there first. Too darned bad. This is called Natural Selection, and I made it to the truck about half a block ahead of the kid. The ice cream truck gave me a funny look as I proudly pulled out my $2 and got my Choco Taco.
64. Learning to Fall
Years ago I worked in personal injury, and we had a woman come to us saying that she slipped and fell outside a nail salon because they hadn't swept up the wet leaves outside the door. So we take the case, and almost immediately we get a call from opposing counsel saying he's going to courier us something important. When we opened it, I almost burst out laughing.
We pop the disc in the computer, and right there is security camera footage of our client picking up the wet leaves, putting them on the sidewalk, and sitting down on them before calling for help. I have never facepalmed so hard. Needless to say, we dropped the case.
65. We Need to Talk About Kevin
I taught a dissection lab section back in college. I had one kid in a section, Kevin, who never listened to instructions and just dove in with a scalpel, dicing and chopping and generally causing a horrific scene. This led to his first karmic warning when we were dissecting squid. He got squid "juice" on himself, and it smelled awful for the rest of that class. But he didn't learn.
He kept on ignoring instructions and hacking away, so this time karmic justice struck on our very last dissection project: The fetal pig. Kevin really wanted to see the pig's brain. Kevin couldn't get through the skull, though, so he started whacking away at it. I told him to stop, but he had to give it one last, mighty thwack. Crack!
The skull breaks and rubbery piglet brain bits come flying out everywhere, mostly over Kevin. Unfortunately, while he was protesting my clear instructions, Kevin had his mouth open. Thankfully, preserved pig brain, ingested orally, seemed to have a calming, subduing effect on Kevin for the last couple classes.
66. Loose Lips Sink Jerks
My awful ex-husband was doing his weekly ritual of interrogating me and accusing me of some made-up infidelity—but this time, he had no clue what he was getting himself into. He suddenly went, “Well?! What’s the deal here, are we just done??” Before I could stop myself or think twice about it, I said, “You know, yeah, yeah we’re done.” And then I told him my dark secret.
Until that moment, my husband didn’t know that I had already spoken to a divorce lawyer and the authorities, and had all my ducks in a row to take the heck off. I was planning on actually meeting with the lawyer before I told him, and because I did there was two weeks awful Jekyll and Hyde stuff before I could leave. Still worth it, it felt so good to say.
67. Don’t Judge a Book by its Title
In my grade 12 advanced placement English class, we were assigned books and then had to do a presentation on a topic related to it. One girl was assigned Animal Farm. She started up the PowerPoint projector and began her presentation with...kinds of tractors used in farming. She very clearly hadn’t read the book and assumed that it was about actual animal husbandry and farming. It was a very long presentation. The teacher had to actually hide her face.
68. Show and Tell
A lawyer I used to know was in court on a work injury case. The judge asked his client, "Just what is the nature of your injury?" His client replied, "I can't raise my arm this high anymore," while she raised her arm up to show just how high she couldn't raise it. Seriously, who let this woman into the courtroom?
69. Mr. Rugby
When I was in high school, we had this small, angry teacher that played rugby—or at least tried to—that was always belittling students to feel better about himself. One day we had physical education and our teacher couldn’t come, so the small and always moody teacher that played rugby came to replace her. The little teacher was trying to show off his rugby skills and made our class play some game where we had to tackle whoever had the ball.
We didn’t tackle hard enough so the little guy joined to tackle some students and show off his grandness. He was having fun being unstoppable and yelling at us if that was all we could do. I was quite mad, and I raged full speed at him. I was a freight train. Choo! Choo! The little teacher got tackled and smashed into the ground so hard. That was something our class laughed about all year.
70. Pro Bono Mishaps
Someone I knew had a pro bono case where she had to defend a person who had been charged with an offense—I don’t know what, it is confidential. Even though the authorities and District Attorney could pretty much pinpoint the offense to her client, there was no evidence to tie him to it. It was circumstantial at best.
She had instructed him to shut up and let her do the talking during the trial, as from experience the client sometimes did not know how to answer a question properly and had the tendency to sabotage himself. She pleads and can show that the court has nothing on her client, and she feels that for once, a pro bono case is going her way.
After her plea, the judge thanks her for her plea and turns to her client. He asks if the client had something to add to the plea. Client looks at her, back at the judge, tears well up in his eyes, and he blurts out: "I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again!" She threw her notes and everything else she had in her hands at the client. She basically got screwed by her own client, who screwed himself even worse.
71. Vandal Handled
I love it when a jerk goes too far—and pays the price. When the high school principal’s daughter, who previously got away with all kinds of garbage behavior (vandalism, drinking, major teasing), got caught vandalizing a lecture hall in university, she was unceremoniously dumped and banned. Parents whined for months on Facebook about their poor baby’s unfair treatment and the fact that her applications to other universities were being denied.
72. The Surprise Admission
I am a lawyer who defends a state from injury claims. There was a claim where there was a dispute as to the value of a state employee's injury. We went to trial to argue the extent of the injury. When the employee takes the stand and is under direct examination by her attorney, she is unable to answer basic questions about her name and address.
Everyone just thought it was nerves, but eventually, the dark truth came out. The employee confesses that she is a convicted felon and she took her sister's identity to obtain the state job. Judge's jaw hits the floor and the employee's attorney just keeps going through his examination like nothing happened. The judge stopped him and had the court reporter read back the testimony.
The employee's attorney was still oblivious to what happened. The judge recommended the employee drop her case and quit her job immediately. The employee's attorney wanted to keep going, the judge then told him that his client will drop her case and quit. Case was dropped and she quit that afternoon.
73. All’s Fair in Love and Ball Pits
When I was 22, I went to this arcade-type place with my younger sister and her friend. It had this glorious two-storey ball pit with tunnels, slides, ropes, trampolines, all that. Most importantly, there were these American Gladiator-style pneumatic guns that fired the balls. To load them, you had to put the balls in a vacuum tube on the bottom storey, then climb up to the second floor to fire. So it took a bit of work to fire off three-four rounds. As I was admiring this cannon, some 12-year-old kid throws a ball at me. It missed by a solid six feet because little kids have bad aim. The intent was clear though: The battle was on.
I immediately enlist my sister and her friend. They enthusiastically begin stuffing balls in the vacuum tube as I swing the barrel. I blast the kid right in the forehead with the first shot and punish him with three-four more before he can dive behind a foam triangle cushion. This attracts the attention of the 20 other kids in the room.
Then, the little pukes formed an army complete with ranks. A volley of balls were thrown at me. Then another. I couldn't poke my head up long enough to effectively aim. The tide began to change. My sister and her friend found large popcorn buckets. They began scooping balls and dumping them in the vacuum. I could not fire fast enough.
It was pandemonium. Bodies were flying, kids were crying. I pushed their battle formation clear to the other side of the room. Then I found their supply caravan. With my ammo stock full, my sister was a scout. She excitedly pointed over to my left flank. They had enlisted a really chubby little boy, couldn't have been older than eight, to gather spent ammo.
He was slow, but could carry a large load. He had come close to us to gather balls. His arms were full, his chin smushed down on the top balls. He must've had at least 30. He was trying to scoot back to the other side, away from the full force of the cannon. Our eyes locked, his wide with panic, mine narrowed with focus and determination.
I pulled the trigger. Time slowed down. My aim was true. The balls he was carrying exploded everywhere. More shots were fired. Devastation. The kid drops to the floor as I rain full balls onto his body. The rest of the adolescent army was in full retreat. They had advanced to defend their brother and volley'd a couple salvos at me, but it was too late.
They were caught in the open and their supply cut off. My sister and her friend were throwing balls themselves in between reloads. I spun back to the supply kid. He was now sitting up and crying. No mercy. Carnage everywhere. Then things got truly crazy. A grown woman came flying in, waving her arms and yelling stop.
The package donkey's mom. The final boss. She stepped in front of her boy and raised a finger at me. Her face red with anger. “HOW DARE YOU SHOOT MY LITTLE JEFFREY! I'M GONNA-" fwump The first round struck her right in the mouth. She looked livid. "WHAT THE F-" The sound of her cursing and crying was drowned out by the pneumatic pump of the cannon.
I pelted her and little Jeffrey for a solid minute. Satisfied, I climbed down and began walking out of the room with my sister and her friend. I stepped over her body and held the door open for my sister and her friend. I pointed at the warning sign on the wall that highlighted the danger of the air cannon. "That sign lets me put my balls in your mouth."
We walked out and grabbed some coke and chicken fingers. Battle had made us famished.
74. Need a Shoulder to Cry on?
I was sitting on a highway late at night because of a bad car accident. The highway was packed and barely moving. One guy thinks he's smarter than everyone else and tries to drive on the shoulder. He makes it a good way before running into an on-ramp, also packed with cars. He had nowhere to go, and no one let him in.
I went from watching him pass me and almost getting out of my view to passing him and losing sight of him in my rearview. Now that’s some sweet, sweet karma if I’ve ever seen it.
75. The Over-Qualified Witness
My father is a physician and occasionally serves as an expert witness in some cases involving insurance payouts for car wrecks. He had just spent some time explaining all of the different forces involved in the accident and how that could translate to years of back problems (his specialty). He was quite technical in his explanation and the opposing attorney thought that my dad was overreaching his expertise and was talking more as an engineer rather than a doctor.
So, he asked him if he was an engineer. My dad responded that yes, he was in fact an engineer, as he had a bachelor's in engineering from before he went to med school. It apparently didn't completely resolve the case, but the attorney did have to backtrack quite a bit and it really strengthened the patient's case that the insurance company should continue paying for treatment
76. Unsolicited Advice
I work at a restaurant as a dishwasher and prep guy. The boss’s son is a bit porky and spoiled. He comes in, gives us advice, even though this kid is like 12. So, one day he tells me "I'm not going to tell you how to do your job, but you need to clean the dishes." My perfect comeback made him fall completely silent. I simple said, "I'm not going to tell you that you're a huge spoiled brat, but you need to lay off that ice cream." Mess with the bull, get the horns.
I know it's risky to tell this to a boy whose mother signs my checks, but a week of hearing this from him just made me snap.
77. Maybe She Just Forgot
Custody battle. The lawyer for the mom puts her on the stand for the sole purpose of credibility. It all unravels from there. Opposing lawyer starts questioning her about an allegation that she smoked substances with her kids when they were 12 years old. Mom says the children are lying and deflects to the dad's "harassment"...which, by the way, doesn't exist.
During the same cross-examination, the mom admits to “medicinal Mary.” When probed, she did not have a card and when asked where she got her medicinal stuff, she said “local drugstore down the street.” Liar, liar pants on fire. Remember...her lawyer put her on the stand in an effort to make HER the more credible parent. It went as badly as it could have.
78. Real-World Consequences
I teach college students to be teachers. My first year doing this, I had a student who was always late, turned in the bare minimum, and always had excuses. I told him he had to improve or he’d eventually get fired on the job. He kept coasting. His first teaching job? He got fired. I laughed, in the privacy of my office, and I'm not sorry.
79. On the Rise
I took a huge poop at my girlfriend's parents' house. As the water level rose and rose and rose, I looked frantically for a plunger. Her family must have been small, delicate poopers, because there was not a plunger to be found. The water level got right up to the tip-top, and I was sure this was the end for me. I had to think fast.
Fortunately, there was a wire hanger on a hook on the wall. I fashioned it into a makeshift plumbing snake and rooted out the clog. I rinsed the business end in the sink and reassembled the wire hanger as best I could. Then I pulled up my pants, washed my hands, a spritz of Febreeze to neutralize the stench, crisis averted.
80. Guilty as Not Charged
My client walked into the police station and told the front desk that he thought they were looking for him. He then volunteered that he and a friend robbed a gas station last week. Then, after officers apprehended and gave him his rights, and after he spoke at length with counsel, which was not me, he repeated his confession in a video statement.
He wasn't forced or coerced. He hadn't been detained for an unreasonable time. They hadn't even interrogated him. But as a result of his confession, they were able to get a DNA warrant and matched him to blood swabbed at the scene. And the best part? The authorities had no idea beforehand that it was him.
My client and his friend had covered part of their faces, the surveillance video was horrible quality, and the store clerk, couldn't provide the officers with a description beyond "two males." And since my client had no record, he wasn't in the DNA database from previous offences.
He had just heard a rumor that the authorities were investigating, and assumed they knew it was him. I had to laugh when I got the report and read all of this. I then focused on securing him as fair plea deal because he had no chance at an acquittal.
81. Slaying the Cyclops
When I was a senior in high school, I had an AP English teacher that would grade people "based on how much she liked them." I had long hair and stretched earlobes, and she despised me even though I was an excellent student. She claimed that I didn’t turn in assignments on time to justify my grades, so I spoke with my guidance counselor, and she investigated for me.
It turns out that she had sorted completed assignments into piles of "good" and "bad" and would arbitrarily grade the papers based on who she felt sucked up to her the most that day. I presented a long, detailed book report on The Odyssey, and she gave me a D. She didn't realize it, but she'd just sealed her fate. I told her "Screw you, this is the end of your career" and walked out.
She didn't realize that I had sent an identical copy to the guidance counselor. She presented it to the school board, eventually got her fired, and the best part was she was also a drivers ed instructor and lost her job doing that as well. Apparently, I wasn't the first to speak up about her, but I was the one that put the nail in the coffin. It felt great.
82. The Circumstantial Evidence Case
I had a misdemeanor possession case I was defending. Client was driving his mom's car. He gets pulled over for playing the stereo too loud. There are pills in the center console. In a prescription pill bottle. The bottle has his mom’s name on it. Client gets busted and charged with possession of a controlled substance without a prescription.
Case is obviously rubbish but the dumbest DA I've ever met in my life won't dismiss it. We go to trial. During closing arguments, the DA says, "This case is a circumstantial evidence case." Idiot was in way too deep, and he just won me the case. During my closing, I put the jury instruction on the projector that says if a case is based on circumstantial evidence and there is one factual scenario that points to guilt and one that points to innocence the jury must find in favor of the defendant and acquit.
My client was acquitted.
83. The Final Karmic Strike
I work in an ER. Once a girl got brought in by ambulance because some stranger had just tackled her to the ground and tried to drag her down an alley. A Good Samaritan managed to chase him off and call the authorities. Well, like 20 minutes later they brought in the same guy having a full-on heart attack.
Turns out the authorities found the attacker and chased him several blocks, when he then collapsed and his heart gave out.
84. Revenge of the Nerds
When I was 16, I was repeatedly teased by a pack of 10-year-olds. They were really annoying, they'd call me names and had absolutely no fear of me as a much older and physically stronger kid. So anyway, a month or two later, I had been suffering from near-constant phone calls and harassment whenever I walked by them. At a certain point, I just snapped.
I walked up to the ugliest one, slapped him in the face harder than I ever have before, and grabbed his cell phone. Then I threw it at a wall and punched the ice cream out of his hand for good measure.
85. The Customer Is Always Right
This lady got into a minor fender bender with a truck in a casino parking lot. My guy said she parked and went inside the casino for a few hours. At her deposition, she testified that she was so hurt, she went right home and to a hospital. So I asked if she was a frequent visitor of the casino, and if she had a rewards card.
She was happy to tell me she did, and she had gold status, and showed me the card. This turned out to be her big mistake. I subpoenaed her rewards card's records, and it showed she was playing slots for hours after the accident.
86. What’d I Miss?
I used to always show up late for my 10th-grade science class. One day, we had a little chapter review quiz at the start of class, and naturally, I was a minute or two late. So, I walked over to my desk and the teacher put my quiz down. I looked at it, and my blood ran cold. It was all super complicated questions I was sure we'd never covered. I was screwed.
After about two minutes, I looked up to see how everyone else was doing on their quiz. Well, everybody was watching me. When I looked up, they all started laughing. The teacher had printed up a single fake quiz with super complicated biology questions just to mess with whatever kid ended up showing up last to the quiz.
87. Screaming Proceedings
I was a baby lawyer in my first year representing the 19-year-old child of some rich people in San Mateo County CA. My client had gone on a bit of a shoplifting spree and we were cleaning all her cases up with a global plea meaning we handled them all at once. Being new, I filled out the plea form wrong swapping the counts she was charged with for the counts she was pleading to. It’s an easy mistake to make. Every court has their own unique form and I was unfamiliar with San Mateo’s.
The judge calls my line, starts reading off the plea form, notices the mistake, and then starts screaming at the top of his lungs “COUNSEL! WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT IS THIS?! IS THIS YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB? THIS IS A COURT OF LAW AND WE DO NOT ACCEPT MISTAKES! FILL THIS PLEA FORM OUT CORRECTLY OR I WILL HAVE YOU TAKEN INTO CUSTODY FOR CONTEMPT!”
I did not expect a reaction like that. My client who had clearly just taken a huge bong rip at 8 AM and who was wearing an all-pink velvet track suit was looking at me like I was the biggest idiot in the world. I corrected the plea form. The judge made me wait until the very end of the calendar to take my plea. Afterward, he called me up to the bench. In private he told me, “Sorry to ream you like that. Everyone messes the plea form up so I always pick the youngest lawyer to yell at.”
He kept going and said, “the older guys will grumble and complain, but if you noticed they all fixed their own forms and we didn’t have any more problems. Keeps the calendar running smooth. Where did you go to law school?” After that he invited me into his office for coffee and gave me some really good life/work advice. Turns out he likes talking to new lawyers.
88. Coffee Karen
I work at a café, and a woman very rudely asked me for a 16-ounce hot coffee. We don’t offer that, and I tried to kindly explain to her why, but told her I could make her two coffees if she likes as long as I stick with the recipe. She demanded I change the recipe, I said: “No, I can’t.” She then spotted a 16-ounce cup behind me and asked “WHAT’S THAT?”
Things were already very tense by then, and I grabbed the cup and explained “This is a 16-ounce cup, yes, but it’s only for cold brew. It looks similar to the hot cups, but this one is compostable, made from sugarcane, and it will melt if hot liquid is poured into it.” She grabbed it out of my hand and still demanded I make her two coffees and pour them into that cup.
I said again, “I can’t do that, the cup will melt.” At this point, other customers were in there giving me the “Oh man, she’s crazy, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this” sympathetic eye. I knew if she poured the coffee into that cup and burned herself, we would have a bigger issue. But she’s still just totally furious.
She spoke to me so horribly and condescendingly. There was never a please, she spoke to me like a servant, and she was creating a safety hazard. So I took a long pause, looked her right in the eye, and went past the point of no return.
I said, “I’m sorry, I can’t let you speak to me that way and I won’t serve you.” She was shocked! She was appalled! The cafe was silent. My co-worker came out from the back and the customer held her card out to her and said, “She won’t help me so YOU will. I’ll have two coffees.” When I heard the response, I nearly burst out laughing.
My co-worker just looked at her and said, “I don’t know what’s happening, but I trust my co-worker so I’m sorry but I won’t serve you.” It was SO COOL! Yes, the woman yelled at us, berated us, mocked my voice, all this. But I stayed so calm the entire time. When I called my boss and explained the situation, she understood.
89. Accidental Exposure
When I was in tenth grade, the English teacher made us present all of our projects in front of all of her classes. There were like 100 of us gathered in the auditorium to watch these. One of the popular people connected her USB drive to the laptop, which was connected to a projector, presumably to show us her presentation. Nope, we were SO wrong.
Instead, what we saw on the big screen were a bunch of photos of her…without any clothes! It took them almost a full minutes to realize this had happened, and one of her friends had to jump in front of the projector to save her dignity.
90. Not Sure What We’re Fighting About
My mother-in-law was so crazy that my wife and I had been forced to cut her off almost completely. Every once in a while, my wife would give in and let her mom visit, which always turned out badly. Eventually we broke up and got divorced and I got full custody of the kids. MIL went nuts and decided to sue me for custody. I looked over the law and for any form of visitation or custody you need to have had contact in the last 6 months and she hadn't seen them for over a year.
So, we go to court. I can't afford a lawyer but the law was pretty clear. She goes through three lawyers, each of them quits in turn. So, she finally winds up representing herself. During the last hearing she was talking to the judge and said something to the effect of "I don't want to get custody of them, I just want to be able to visit." The judge then asked her point blank, "This is a custody hearing. Are you telling me you no longer want to get custody?" She said yes and the judge dismissed the case immediately.
91. Stop Doing That
I had a calculus professor in college who had such poor English, she could only say “you do this.” I confronted her about her lack of vocabulary one day after class. She said that it wasn’t her fault I was failing the class. So, I recorded audio from a lecture of hers to show to the head of the Math dept. I was able to count over 150 times the phrase “you do this” was used in a 45-minute lecture.
She was replaced two weeks later and that’s when I started understanding calculus. But I was furious that someone was put in a place to teach that could only explain things by saying “you do this.”
92. Out-Evil-ing the Genius
I was out at a farm with my cousins for a party. It was more like an afternoon barbecue with all the parents sat talking and cooking while the kids ran around playing. Usual lazy afternoon in Africa. So anyway, I was 16 at the time, making me the oldest of the kids. I will admit that I was a back of the bus/too cool for school type of cringy teenager and was practicing my casual aloofness.
Now, there was this German couple there with this absolute monster child (5) who made it his mission to terrorize all the other kids. The parents of little Adolph sat beaming with delight watching their little ray of sunshine playing with the other kids. Eventually, it became apparent that they were going to do nothing about it.
My parents told me to keep my cool and just ignore him. I did because I didn't want to put my parents in an awkward situation. At some point in the afternoon the kid found one of those plastic toddler toys, you know the ones where they can sit on it and push themselves around but it also has a handle at the back that toddlers can use like a walker.
So, he finds this toy and is running around this lawn full-speed ramming all the other kids. Now, I did tell him nicely that it was not good to hurt the other little boys and girls, but he clean ignored me and carried on with his game, giggling and chasing the other kids. He also decided that I was now fair game and I got rammed in the ankles and Achilles tendon a few times.
I'm fuming. His parents were watching and laughing the whole time. So, I come up with a devious plan to ruin their day in the best way possible. I position myself in front of this small ditch (only about 1/4 inch deep and full of tall grass) and pull out my phone pretending to read messages. I was making myself an easy target for the little brat.
He comes charging up behind me aiming for my heels again. The front wheels go into the little ditch, stopping the walker. The kid was pushing it so fast that his momentum carried him right over the handlebars, right over the push toy and past me. He faceplants in the dirt going full scorpion. There was no blood but he lay there and screamed as if he’d been shanked.
The best part was that the parents watched the whole thing take place and they and the other parents never suspected that I stood in that exact spot for that exact reason. His parents were kind of ticked that the kid hurt himself while I was watching the kids but they couldn't say anything so they just kept the boy close the rest of the day.
93. Hot Diggety Dog!
In 7th grade, this kid was running for class president and for some reason, he did his entire campaign speech in a Mickey Mouse voice. I would be willing to bet that his parents had probably told him to use the funny voice gimmick. Unfortunately, no one actually thought it was funny, so he was just stuck at the podium talking in this cartoon voice, openly dying of embarrassment inside, for like 5 minutes. I just felt bad for him honestly.
94. High and Not-so Mighty
I was on a two-week holiday in Thailand for my best friend’s wedding. I ended up hooking up with a bridesmaid and we decided to spend our last few days together. We signed up for a “deep water solo climbing” course. Basically, a guy in a small boat takes you and a few others around the small islands which have HUGE cliffs to climb.
We did a couple of simple climbs to start. The "instructor" would stay in the boat down below and shout instructions. We all took turns climbing up to a safe height and then jumped off the cliff into the water and swam back to the boat. Lots of fun…until our last climb. For our last climb of the day, the instructor told us this was a bit of a tricky one, so not everyone tried it.
I wasn't too keen, but he said I was a natural and should give it a go, So off I went. I climbed the rope and started scaling the cliff. It was really difficult, but I got to the point where the previous climber had jumped from. I looked down and realized how high up I was. The guy shouted up to me that there was a second more advanced route up that I should definitely try.
I didn't much want to jump off, so continuing climbing seemed like a preferable option. I eventually reached a ledge that was just big enough for me to turn around and face the sea. I immediately froze. The instructor, seeing my fear, told me to climb back down to the other jump-off point. I was relieved at first…but then I saw there was NO WAY I could climb back down.
My only option was to jump. I stood there, hanging onto the rock for what seemed like ages, trying to summon the courage to do the jump. I am NOT good with heights, but with the boat waiting down below, I felt quite pressured just to get it over with as quickly as possible. I took a deep breath and just gently hopped off the ledge…Instant regret.
I was falling through the air for an eternity. I literally had time to think about how stupid this all was before seeing the water down below rush up at me. When a professional jumps from that height, they would hit the water feet first, straight down, nice and controlled. There was nothing controlled about my dive. BAM! I hit the water.
It hurt. A lot. When I resurfaced, the boat picked me up and I lay on the floor. I thought I was just winded. They left me on the boat with the bridesmaid while they went to get lunch. By this time, my whole back and side had turned a greenish-blue and I couldn't really move without the most incredible, awful pain.
Luckily the bridesmaid was a trained medic and recognized that I was going into shock and I needed to go to the hospital ASAP. She spoke to a passing fisherman on a little boat and asked him to take us back to the mainland. After two hours in the boat and another two hours on the back of a truck, I ended up in a hospital where they quickly X-rayed me to reveal 3 broken vertebrae. Ended up in hospital for a month, had two surgeries, eight screws, and two bolts inserted in to my spine. Almost 10 years later, I’m pretty much 100% recovered, all thanks to the bridesmaid.
95. Crunchy Eggs, Please
I had a roommate in my freshman year of college that came from an incredibly rich oil family from the Middle East. I remember him having the hardest time adjusting to not having someone else prepare him food. I remember waking up one morning and going to the kitchen and seeing him try to eat eggs and toast he had just prepared himself. He asked me how I normally prepare fried eggs because his tasted really crunchy.
Turns out he had just cracked the egg whole into the pan and prepared it shell and all. I couldn’t stop laughing but felt really bad for the dude.
96. Lost in Translation
Did work experience at a trial where the victim flat-out stated that the defendant was innocent. Turns out she's pretty bad at English, so when she gave her account it appeared that the defendant had committed a crime. They then gave her a witness statement to sign, and she couldn’t read it so she just signed it anyway. This all came out at testimony whilst the prosecution lawyer desperately tried to get her to rephrase what she said.
Funnily enough, the trial wasn't immediately thrown out so they brought more "witnesses" in to testify, all backing up the wrong account of what happened.
97. Open Season
I have a farm in Africa. It's a small farm, family land for several generations. My cousins who live there are pretty much subsistence farmers; they eat what they grow. There's also a pond we fill to fish farm when it's not too dry. Anyway, I'm visiting them, helping fertilize the field before we get to planting.
All of sudden a big Land Rover pulls up. Full of tourists; I think they were English by their accents. They are lost, trying to get to a resort that's far away. We give directions. They don't like that we've told them it's a long route, even though it really was the correct route. They tell us that the Land Rover can "go through anything" and want to cut through the field.
They offer to pay us. Well, would any farmer allow such a thing? We say no. At some point, they just take off...and drive right into the muddy pond that's hard to see because it's overgrown this time of year. Land Rovers are wonderful for off-road. But several feet of mud and vines and weeds? They swirl, and turn, and back up, just getting more stuck.
Finally, they emerge on foot through the mud. We are so shocked we can't even laugh...until later. They walk up to us and sheepishly ask to hire a car. We charged them well. Also charged the towing company that came to get their car. My cousins made a tidy sum. It's now the family joke that we should be growing tourist cars instead of Maize and fish....
98. Defying Gravity
As a kid, I went to Hawaii with my mom and stepfather for vacation, and we signed up for surfing lessons. The car ride there, my stepfather kept saying, "Now, I just want to warn you of something. You might not be able to do this. You're a girl, so your center of gravity is higher. I'm a boy, so my center of gravity is lower."
He kept saying stuff like, “Don't be too upset when I'm standing on the board longer than you, it's just science, okay? I'll be better, but it's not your fault." Screw him, I managed to ride a few low waves all the way to shore while he couldn't even get on his feet. He wouldn't talk to me on the car ride back whenever I tried to bring up what he said earlier.
99. How the Other Half Gives
I was having a bad day while working at a Subway one night, this kid comes in and orders a foot-long sub. The entire time I'm trying to take his order, he mumbles, sighs, walks away, and keeps saying, "I dunno." Just generally, he's being a huge brat. Then when it comes time to pay, he smiles at me with this annoying little grin and says he doesn't have enough cash on him.
He's close, but off by about 40 cents. So I said, “No problem little buddy, let me just ring that in as a six inch.” He beams triumphantly that his short change plot worked—but he didn’t know what was coming. Before I rang it up, I snatched the sandwich back, split it in two, and handed him half the sub with his change while tossing the other half in the trash. Problem solved.
100. Invasion of Privacy
Not a lawyer, but I took my brother-in-law's landlord to small claims court (He's on SSI and I'm his conservator). We sued her for over $4,000 after she just decided she didn't like him and changed the locks on his apartment door. She also stuffed all of his belongings into trash bags and dragged them out to the curb. This was all done the day after she cashed his rent check.
It all started because she was letting herself into his apartment with no notice and was going through his stuff while he was gone. When I found out about this, I told him to let her know that was NOT okay. He did, and that's why she kicked him out. I'm very organized, and presented the judge with a folder containing photos, receipts, short videos on DVD and the sheriff call logs, as well as a concise timeline of events.
The landlord showed up with her son and countersued for the exact same amount we were suing them for. Claiming that the apartment was trashed, there were holes in the walls and they would have to repair everything before being able to rent again. During the hearing, the judge asked for evidence of the damage to the room.
The son whipped out his cell phone and showed a video panning and walking around the room. The video showed my BIL's apartment obviously still being lived in (his stuff was all still there) and no visible damage, but there were a lot of posters and things hung on the walls. When the judge looked at the video he asked, "Where is the damage?" The son replied, "You can't see it. It's behind all of the posters."
The judge frowned and looked at the video again, and then said, "Did you take this video when he was still living there at this time?" The son replied, "Yes." This was the clincher, the judge then asked, "Did you ask his permission to enter the apartment to take this video?" Silence. We were awarded the full amount.
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