There’s pushing the limits, and then there’s breaking the law. No one in these stories set out to commit any major crimes. They just happened to end up in situations where, perhaps, the punishment didn’t fit the offense, or the rules didn’t really make any sense. But the law messed with the wrong people. It’s not every day that you get to say "I fought the law…and I won".
1. Bait & Switch
Back when I was in school, the university newspaper ran a story about undercover officers using a younger, cute girl to camp outside a store just off-campus and ask people to buy her drinks. She'd give the people money, then ask them if they wanted to come back to her vehicle and share one as a way to say thanks.
You get back to where her car is supposed to be, van door opens up, officers inside, and you'd get a ticket for underage buying.
Later that evening, my friend and I were going to this same store to get a six-pack, when we were approached by a cute girl, who asked us if we could buy her a six-pack since she was underage.
Being an idiot, I said sure, took her money and we went inside. That’s when it hit me. I remembered the piece about the undercover officers, and realized we were about to get in big trouble. At that point, we decided the best thing to do was to buy a sixer of super expensive root beer (blowing $9 of the $20 she gave us), and we put it in a paper bag.
We walked back out, and she asked us "Did you get it"? to which we said, "Yeah, of course".
She invited us back to her car to have one each as a thank-you. Sure enough, we head to the back and there's the black van.
The door opens up, officers sitting in there with headphones on etc., and they tell us "You're in a world of trouble now".
I knew just what to do. I put on my best smirk and said "Really? I really thought you guys could use a cold one sitting out here in that cramped van all night".
There was an awkward pause, and then they opened the bag. Soda, nothing else.
Then they told us to get out of there, and we were interfering with an investigation, and if we didn't leave we'd get thrown behind bars.
We walked across the street to our apt. building went into the various laundry rooms and yelled out the window every time she approached someone that it was a sting. They left after 20 minutes of that.
2. Put Waste In The Right Place
There was a speed trap where I grew up on PA Route 74. One of the markers (since it was a VASCAR computer trap) was a white plastic jug. I often stopped along that route when I saw the jug there, grabbed the jug, and drove off.
I got stopped once doing this. The cop seemed really angry. I told him "I see that thing there all the time, and it bothers me that nobody has bothered to pick up that trash".
3. Ticket To Ride
College town…huge party. There are law enforcement officers in town busting parties left and right. Ours gets busted. They proceed with handing out tickets to underage drinkers. One kid came up with an ingenious plan.
He gets a scrap piece of paper and folds it into the shape of the tickets the officers are handing out. He then sits on the front steps with his head in his hands repeating, "My parents are gonna kill me". The officers just pass him right by.
4. They Passed The Smell Test
When I was a senior in high school, we got a new Vice Principal from some inner-city school who thought he was a real hard case. He would actually go around smelling kids' fingers for the scent of weed. My buddy and I came back from lunch one day and heard that he was coming out to the parking lot to check fingers.
My friend looked at me, then wedged his right hand down the back of his pants into his crack. He left it there until we saw the VP coming our way, then pulled it out nonchalantly and we waited. Sure enough, the VP walked up and, in his usual threatening manner, told us to hold out our hands. I did, he smelled my fingers, then moved on to my friend.
I could barely keep from losing it as he took a big sniff and then literally jumped backward, yelling something about my friend needing to wash his hands. Needless to say, this ended the finger-smelling technique at my high school.
5. Risking It All
I got pulled over for speeding. The officer asks if they can search my car and I tell them no. They say they're bringing in the dogs, so I sit there and wait for the dogs.
Lo and behold, he signals that there is something in the car. So they make a beeline straight for a large wooden box sitting on the floor, halfway under the back seat. They're getting all excited because they think they're gonna bust me with illicit substances in it. Well, they were in for a big surprise.
Sure, my custom-made wood box looked like a stash box. But when they opened it, they discovered that it had a full Risk board game set it in. Suddenly they're not quite as smiley as they were before. They opened it, looked through the entire thing and spilled my pieces everywhere.
They then checked the glove compartment, the center console, everything. But since I didn't have anything on me, they obviously found nothing.
6. Time Wasted? Priceless.
Around 2 am on a Saturday night, I was pulled over for suspicion of DWI. I hadn't had a drop. They asked me to step out of the car and gave me a test. I passed with flying colors.
They asked me if they could search the vehicle. I told them they could search the vehicle, with the sole exception of the center console. They would need a warrant for that.
After several hours sitting roadside, they finally produced a warrant from a judge.
The center console was empty.
7. Revenge Is Sweet
I work as a Paramedic, and often local law enforcement call us out to take someone who is inebriated to the hospital. This is really stupid, because it just clogs up the ERs and costs all kinds of people unnecessary money. Not to mention the fact that they only call us because they don't want the paperwork of taking someone in for such a stupid thing.
So we get called out one night around midnight to some guy who had puked in the parking lot and was wobbly on his feet, he was pretty dang inebriated, but nothing a good night's sleep wouldn't cure.
When we pulled up who was there but the jerk cop who wrote me a ticket the week before, I told my partner who this was and he took the lead. The cop didn't recognize me. The cop gave us a quick rundown, we checked the guy out and then this happened:
Partner: "So what do you want me to do with him"?
Cop: "Take him to the hospital".
Partner: "Why? There’s no medical problem".
Cop: "We're concerned about over-intoxication".
Partner: "Well I'm not, and I have more training than you".
Cop: "Look, just take him"...
Partner: "Nah, we don't really operate like that".
Cop: "Well he can’t stay here like this".
My partner asks the patient: "Do you want to go to the hospital"? He says no. "See, I can't force him".
Cop: "Well he can't stay here in the parking lot".
Partner: "Oh, I see the problem now".
Partner: "Yeah. He's YOUR problem! We don't take drunks just for being inebriated".
The cop looks stunned then turns to me hoping for a different answer. He still doesn't recognize me.
Me: "Maybe you could just give him a ticket"!
8. The Billy Madison Method
I was speeding once....and I mean seriously speeding. I saw the lights come up behind me and freaked. I pulled over and noticed I had a bottle of water next to me. That’s when I came up with a devious plan.
I took it and poured it all over my lap and put on the most embarrassed look I could. He asked if he knew why he pulled me and I responded "I'm sorry officer, I really had to go and was trying to get to the nearest restroom, but…I peed myself".
Something in me knew that this cop did not want me to touch his pen, his paper, didn't want to touch my license, nothing. As far as he was concerned, I was just disgusting. He said "Well, next time, use the bathroom before you leave and slow it down", and let me go.
9. Marking His Territory
I live RIGHT outside of my city's limits, which means I’m right outside of the local department's jurisdiction. In high school my friends and I would always hang out at my house, so one night we all decided to go to the local McDonald's to raid the dollar menu. We're riding through town not causing too much trouble. We get our feast and are heading back to my house when we realize there’s an officer following us.
Now we were playing music loud enough for it to be heard but still quiet enough not to be noise pollution. We were also going a few miles over the speed limit like most people did. I guess the officer realized we were leaving the city limit and wanted to catch us before we got away. We were literally 100 feet away from the city limit sign and 400 feet from my driveway when he put on the sirens.
Well, I wasn’t going to let it happen. Instead of pulling off of the road right there in traffic I just drive onto my driveway and the office pulls in right behind me. My friends and I get out of the car and the officer pulls his weapon and tells us to get on the ground. My mom and stepdad come running out of the house to straighten the officer out.
Chaos ensues and the officer fires a warning shot. This scared the neighbors and they called the sheriff’s office and asked for a unit to come. Now it turns out that the local PD and the sheriff's department really don't like each other. A sheriff soon shows up to respond to the neighbor’s call and ends up ticketing the officer for trespassing and disturbing the peace.
10. They Drove Him Nuts
When my buddy and I were about 16, we’d spend a ton of time lurking around grocery/toy stores at 3 am (toy stores earlier, obviously), until one of us got an idea looking at an item in a way that it was not intended to be used in the way we wanted to use it. Normal hilarity ensued (vaseline on padlocks, bubbles in fountains, that kind of stuff). This night was different.
We're sitting in the sandwich aisle of our large local store and my buddy's eyes light up. he looks over at me and goes "Get that peanut butter, smooth kind". This having been about the fourth year of us doing this, I wasn't 100% sure where he was going with it, but I knew not to question it, so I bought two of those huge smooth peanut butter things.
We walk outside, cross the street, and he tells me to rip the safety seal off the peanut butter and to get some on my fingers, and mess up the smooth top. This was where it clicked in. We then proceed to walk absolutely as suspiciously as possible through this little town square. Sure enough, halfway through, we get spotlighted.
An officer pulls up and tells us to stop, and we both instinctively put the peanut butter behind our backs—even though we’re obviously holding something. The officer gets out and the conversation with my friend goes like this: "What you got there, son"? "Nothing". "What's behind your back"? "Nothing". I giggle. "Show me your hands"! My buddy very slowly puts the peanut butter behind his shoes and socks, and shows the cop his hands".
GIVE ME THAT"! "It's mine".
So the officer reaches behind my friend's feet and grabs this jar of peanut butter. He spins the top off and sees that it's not in pristine shape. He demands to know what's in it.
My buddy: "Peanuts, salt, maltodextrin, red 3". "WHAT DID YOU HIDE IN THE PEANUT BUTTER"? "Nothing". "Then why do you have it"? "For sandwiches".
The officer looks at my pal and then back at me (still holding peanut butter behind my back), and he does it. He shoves his hand and arm into my pal's peanut butter and starts throwing hunks out into the parking lot.
And my pal loses it.
He went off on a rant about peanut rights, the peanut rebellion, peanut civil rights, the peanut pride parade, and on and on. He realizes there's nothing in it, and turns to me, furious. Doesn't say a WORD, just grabs my peanut butter, and almost knocks me over.
I tell him Mr. Goodbar's lawyer will hear of this. He does the same thing to me, and I launch into a rant about my working family, and our right to sandwiches, and the peanut labor movement, and collective bargaining rights, and candy power fighting the man, and so on.
He figures out what's going on, and slams himself back into his car, covered in peanut butter. He yells something about us breaking curfew, kinda half chuckling, and tears out. My friend tells him he owes us a sandwich, as he drives away.
I thought that was the end of the story. And it was—until 5 years ago.
I'm telling this to my brother's best friend, who I did not know was the son of the dispatcher for our town at this time.
Apparently, the officer we met had to go back and fill out incident paperwork, as there's no way to hide this peanut stuff on his steering wheel/car/uniform. The next day there was a sandwich on his chair. The day after that, baseball peanuts in his locker, the day after PB in the shower, etc etc etc.
He's still the victim of peanut-related pranks to this day.
11. Holy Smoke
Early in high school, when I was maybe 15 years old, my friends and I are cutting through a church parking lot because there is a trail through the woods on the other side, leading from one friend’s house to the others. We all notice the smell of burning weed while we're near this church, so we're looking around trying to figure out where it’s coming from.
My friend sees someone move inside the church—it's like 1 am at this point, pretty weird—and goes over to check it out. Soon enough there's eight cruisers in the parking lot. As it turns out, someone had tried to break into this church the night before, and the pastor and his entire family were sleeping inside, in case they came back. They thought that was us.
The officers just absolutely would not believe that we were just passing through, and smelled the same thing they surely did, and were just checking out the situation. They detained us for 60-90 minutes looking around the surrounding forestry for our "bongs". One of the officers was going around to each entrance to the church, to check for signs of attempted entry.
At the back door, he found a roach from a joint on a ledge right INSIDE the church. Apparently, it was the pastor’s daughter who had been lighting up right out back, and quickly put out the joint and left it there when she heard her dad yell because he saw us from the front.
They wound up letting her off with a warning, and gave me and my three friends a ride for the 1 mile to where we were going, with their flashing lights on. Which was pretty cool when we were 15.
12. A Flare For The Dramatic
It was a few days before New Year's in the Bay Area's Chinatown. I was about 14 then and me and my group of friends would always walk from school to my house just to hang out and play video games. There were about 6 of us walking up this really steep hill to where I lived. When you have lived in the same area for over 10 years, you notice things that are unusual, out of place and just doesn't seem right. The strange thing I noticed was a guy, late 30s, with sunglasses on and a hat sitting in a white pick-up truck reading a magazine.
We were inside my apartment for about 30 minutes before we decided to go get some food. I saw the truck on the other corner and the guy spots us. He rolls down his window and yells "Do you guys have any fireworks for sale"? I told him I couldn't hear him but I clearly heard him.
He asked again "I said do you guys have any fireworks for sale"? I told him again that I couldn't hear him. All of a sudden, he makes a turn, goes down the hill and pulls right up to us. "Do you guys have any fireworks for sale"?. I said "Nope," and he goes "I know you guys do, I'm not a cop so it's cool". I told him that it doesn't matter if he's a cop or not, we don't sell fireworks because it's against the law". His reaction was hilarious.
He starts to get irritated and starts yelling at us at this point. "Come on guys, stop being wussies. I just want to buy some fireworks for my kids". We are actually walking down the street with him slowly driving next to us asking.
I told him one last time. "I know you're a cop and you're just doing your job but honestly, we do not sell fireworks. And by the way, a cable car is coming". He goes "So what"? I told him: "You're going down a narrow one-way street with the cable car coming up the hill toward you". He turns white as a ghost as he sees the cable turn the corner at full speed—but his humiliation doesn’t end there.
He reverses as fast as he could, clipping a few cars on his way up the hill. A cop on top of the hill sees this and pulls the guy over. The dude gets out of his truck and pulls out his badge to show the other cop that he was undercover.
13. A Wolf In Jeep’s Clothing
My mother drives a Jeep, which often has the top off. We pulled up in the fire lane out front of a bank, because my mother is kind of an idiot, and she ran inside to use the ATM. I was 15 at the time, and while she's inside, an officer walks up to the Jeep, sticks his head in the driver’s side window, and says "Is this your vehicle, son"?
I replied, "Yes, I sometimes like to park illegally and sit in my own passenger seat". He didn't say a word, stood back, crossed his arms, and just glared at me. My mom came out about ten seconds later. He took a look at her and said "Have a nice day ma'am," and walked away.
14. No Good Speed Goes Unpunished
I grew up in a small town—like REALLY small. The only way to have any form of entertainment was to drive 30 minutes to the next city to go to the movies, bowling, etc. It just so happens that on the highway halfway between the two cities there was a small town known for being a speed trap. The highway was out of the jurisdiction of local law enforcement so what the marshal would do is hide in between overpasses to catch speeders, and then force them to pull over onto the frontage road, which was in his jurisdiction. Then he would claim an exaggerated speed.
When people asked to see his radar, he claimed that he didn't have to because it was against the law. He was wrong. Any claims reported to his superiors seemed to go ignored...until he ran into me.
Over time my friends and I had timed his patrols and realized that he patrolled towards the end of the month. One night he had stopped a friend for excessive speeding, (the officer claimed 92 in a 60 zone, which was totally made up), and then we knew something had to be done.
The officer had taken his plate number and claimed to have seen it speeding many different times and we knew he would look out for it, So I decided to take my phone and rig it up to record the speedometer and get pulled over by the officer. It took a few tries but I managed to get pulled over by the same officer—for doing 70 in 60, that being a first-time offense—after giving him my license he went on to claim that I was doing at least 85, and giving me the whole bit about how he cannot show me the radar, as well as giving me a ticket claiming it was a repeat offense and how I should be thrown behind bars.
All this being caught on my phone without him noticing. So a few days later, I got my revenge. I show up to the courthouse to "pay" the ticket and I manage to talk to the mayor of the town and showed him the video of all this. Thanks to me the officer got fired and I didn't have to pay a $400 ticket from a jerk.
15. Potty Humor
New Year's Eve when I was 19. My friends picked me up (I had no car) to go to a huge party. I hadn't felt right for most of the day, but it's New Year's—I'm going out no matter what. Before the party we're standing around getting our pre-game on. That's when I threw up the first time.
Determined to have a good time, I just let it go, chalked it up to a nervous stomach or something. It starts getting late so we pile in the car and head to the party and by the time we get there, I'm puking left and right. Turns out I had some pretty vicious food poisoning. I tell my companions to head in and enjoy the festivities, that I'd post up at the car and maybe come in later if I felt up to it. Two and half hours later they come out and find me shivering with a puddle of bile outside the car. We head back towards the house and on the way, my friends decide to hit up Steak n Shake for some munchies. In the drive-thru, I have to bail out of the car and do the technicolor yawn again. I look up and the cooks are peering at me from a window in the back door, pointing and laughing at me. I probably would have too.
Then it really hits me in a whole new way. I need a toilet.
I bee-line to the front door of the restaurant. As soon as I walk in I see an officer lurking by the cash register kind of like he's standing guard over the place. Mind you, it's NYE after midnight, the place is in full swing and packed—and I look more messed up than any of them. I'm pale, sweating, puking in the drive-thru, and own a look of determination to get to the bathroom.
I ignore the cop and continue towards the back of the joint because now this is dire. As I open the door to the Men's I look over my shoulder and Officer Steakburger is hot on my heels sporting a mean mug look of disapproval and frustration.
He knows I can't be up to any good.
I hit the stall and I've got my pants down before the door is latched. It has to be the worst most desperate trip to the bathroom I've ever had. As soon as I really get into business I hear the door swing open with force and Mister PD enters.
Then I heard something like this:
'Aww...(audible confusion and muttering)...God…NO"!
He was gone when I came out.
16. Saved By The Bell
So it's the 1st of August in Switzerland, which is basically same as 4th of July in the US, a few years ago. My friends and I, we drink and watch the fireworks. And then drink some more. At some point, there's three of us left, we mount our bicycles and drive down the hill back into town.
So a cruiser flashes the blue lights when we approach, really fast. Friend number one drives into the bushes on the right side of the street and hides there. Completely mad. My friend and I, we don't react and come to a standstill in front of the vehicle. Two officers get out.
I will never forget what happened next. The litany by the officers (it’s dark, no light, driving in the middle of the road, endangering ourselves and other people) was to be expected. My friend nods, nods, says yeah yeah—and then one officer asks him why he doesn't have a bicycle bell, which is mandatory in Switzerland.
At that point, I am doing the math in my head. No light, wrong direction, no bell…we're looking at several hundreds of dollars, if we're not lucky.
My friend gets angry and points at a rubber giraffe on his handlebar: "Officer, I do have a bicycle bell". He squeezes the thing, and it makes this ridiculous squeaky noise. The cop gets angry and says: "Sir, this is no bell, don't be silly". My friend gets more agitated, says it's even louder than a standard bell and works just fine—squeezing, squeezing, squeezing the thing to prove his point.
At this point, I completely lose it. I cannot help myself, I am dying from laughing and I can't stop, even though the cop gets angrier by the second. My friend continues to squeeze the stupid rubber giraffe, repeating: "This is even better than a bell, Sir"! Then he starts laughing uncontrollably, too. But it didn’t end there.
At this moment, my other friend—why, he doesn't know himself—decides to leave his hiding place just 15 meters across the road. He shoots out of the bushes, pedaling madly downhill, and falls immediately, the bike flying away. He does this sort of somersault, rolls downhill fast, gets to his feet, and runs like the dickens.
The officers watch this spectacle incredulously. We continue laughing, tears flowing down our cheeks. No way to stop. "Who is that"?, the officers ask, now not sure if they should follow my other friend or keep on with the two of us. The only answer they get: More laughter.
At which point—and by now, we are totally sure that this is going to be the most expensive night ever—their radio goes off. Some car accident. They look at us. At each other. Helplessly. Get in the car, and drive away. We, laughing and singing and squeaking the stupid giraffe, drive on. No ticket, no nothing.
17. Jaywalking On Water
A story my dad likes to tell is from when he was in dental school at USC in the 70s. The street right next to the building with the dental labs is a really long block, so a lot of people just cross in the middle of the street instead of going to a streetlight. There used to be a cop who would write a lot of jaywalking tickets to people who would do that.
My dad and his friends would make giant water balloon launchers using surgical tubing and would launch water balloons they made from dental gloves at the cop. Once, he saw where they were launching from, but he couldn't get into the building because he didn't have the proper security codes.
When I was in college I would take an empty soda can and cut the top and bottom off and put a slit down the side and slip in a brewski. This worked so well that my friends and I could openly drink outside on the quad and safety had no idea. We took it to hilarious lengths. One of the safety officers actually warned me that drinking too much Mountain Dew was bad for you. I thanked him for the advice, trying to contain laughter. I wasn't sure if they knew or not at this point, but I found out for sure when my buddy was busted going to a party.
He had six beers in his backpack, but one was in a sleeve. He was in trouble for six of them, but when they returned the pack it had the "soda" in there. It was pretty gratifying to have them give back a full brewski.
19. Race Ya
There's a bike path where I live that has a posted 15 mph speed limit for cyclists. One time a policeman actually sat on the trail with radar and caught me going well over the limit. I managed to maneuver past him on the trail and he immediately mounted his mountain bike and began chasing me.
Because I was riding a road bike, and was in much better shape than him, there was no chance of him catching me. I actually toyed with him a little, letting him catch up a little every now and then.
20. Go Fetch!
Years ago, in the 90s, everyone used to hang out in the high school parking lot in the small town I lived in. We were just being teenagers. Local law enforcement would come through once in a while with a German shepherd trained to sniff out weed.
I always carried tennis balls in my truck and would pull one of them out and start bouncing it to distract the dog while my friends who might’ve attracted the attention of the dog would wander off the lot.
Eventually it got to the point where the dog would come straight to me to have me throw the tennis ball and I would engage in small talk with the officer. Again, while the people I knew who could’ve gotten in trouble wandered off.
21. Knock Knock
I walked over to a van full of officers. I knocked on their window and once they opened it, I, with a very serious and informative look said: "Excuse me sir, your window is open".
Then I walked back to my friends, and the officers came after me and took me to the station, but let's not get into that.
22. Splitting Hairs
I got pulled over for riding with no helmet by a couple of officers on bicycles (one guy, one lady) a few years back. I knew all the bylaws regarding this quite well for my city. If your religion would prevent you from wearing a helmet, you don't have to—for example, anyone who wears a turban. So I decided to use this to my advantage.
Male Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you"? Me: "You think I'm cute and want to ask me out"? The male cop was instantly in my face demanding ID and that I dismount. Me: "Well officer, since I don't need a license to operate this vehicle, I left my wallet at home today," even though there was clearly a wallet-sized bulge in my pocket. MC: "Well I need your name, DoB, and address. You're being ticketed for bicycling without a helmet". Me: "Actually, I can't wear a helmet as it violates my religion. As per bylaw, that means there is no ticketable offense here". FC: "Oh yeah? What is your religion"? Me: "You have no right to know that and are violating my civil rights by even asking".
Back and forth ensued. I gave them my name and address. They grilled me about my bike to prove I hadn't stolen it. I referred them to the station which had a case file for my bike with name and serial number as it had been stolen previously. They still wrote out the ticket. I asked what the courtroom and station hours were today. I got their names and reported them for violating my civil rights, pled not guilty. I fought the ticket. I had to move up a court level since I was making a Charter defense. I got cleared on my birthday, 7 months later.
23. One And Done
I was racing to get my girlfriend at the time home before curfew, so I was hauling down this windy mountain road. I make a turn, see a cop in a turnout, said "Well, too late now," and floored it. I know it will take him a few turns to catch me, so about 1/4 mile up the road I pull down a little-known side street in the middle of a curve, kill the engine and the lights and pray.
About 5 seconds later, here comes the cop, lights, and sirens blaring, and thankfully, he shoots right past the road I was on. I found another route to get the girlfriend home.
24. Bear Hunting
I was once out with my longboard and backpack at 3 am. I had a tiny knit bear in my shirt pocket, because chicks will totally talk to you if you carry around a tiny bear. At some point, the bear must have fallen out of my shirt, so I was retracing my path when a cruiser pulled up next to me and two guys started questioning me.
The younger and more aggressive one wanted to look in my bag and I told him he couldn't, which really irked him—but I had no idea how far he’d go. He took my ID and went on the radio, while the other cop stayed and talked to me. He was older and much nicer, so I told him about my missing bear, and how chicks totally love that bear. As soon as I finished this story the aggressive cop jumped out of his car and rushed right up to me until he was probably 6 inches away, and barked "What did you just say? I didn't hear that story. Say that story again", as if I was going to suddenly screw up my story with all his pressure.
In the end, they kept me for about half an hour while they ran my ID again and again, asked me for any other ID I had, as if my driver’s license wasn't enough, and continued to hassle me to open my bag, promising me they would let me go if they looked inside (they wouldn't have).
When they finally let me go the aggressive cop threatened "If we see you here again tonight, you WILL be detained"! I let out a big laugh, but didn't feel like wasting anymore of my time with comments, and went on my way. Never did find that bear.
25. The Grass Is Always Greener
When I was 16 or 17 I would mow lawns for extra cash in the summer. One day I was driving back from mowing a smaller lawn, I had carried the push mower there in the trunk of my car but had left it there because I was mowing their neighbor's yard the next day. On my way home I got pulled over by a Sheriff for going a little too fast and he asked me if I had anything in the car he needed to know about. I told him, with a smile, that I had some grass in the trunk. He pulled me out of my car, slapped cuffs on me, and opened the trunk to see some dried grass clippings from the mower. He was rather irritated.
26. Cold As Ice
A guy is driving a Toyota MR2 and flies past an idling cop in his neighborhood. The officer gives chase. The guy makes a turn onto a small street pulls up to a house and tells the people in the driveway to just say he was there the whole time. The officer comes around the corner and catches up with him. The officer says don't move or you're resisting arrest. The guy says it wasn't me it was somebody else that just flew by. The officer says no way. The guy tells cop it wasn't me, my car is off the engine isn't even warm. The officer puts hand on hood and sure enough, it's cold. The confused officer mutters some stuff and drives off. But there was something that he didn’t know.
The engine of the Toyota MR2 is in the back of the car.
27. Spreading The Love
At my university, all two-hour parking areas are monitored by meter maids who draw a yellow chalk line on your tires every hour. So a third mark equals a parking ticket. Because of a lack of parking, we have to park in these areas, and just move our car several times a day.
Naturally, we have started carrying around damp rags, at first only wiping off the tires of our cars and those of our friends, but now we just wipe off every mark we see. Feels good man.
28. Making Lemonade Out Of Lemonade
When I was about 7, my neighbor and I used to put a lemonade stand up in front of my house and make some quick cash. There was a side street just down the road which was a good spot for officers to hide and shoot their radar guns at the passing cars. That’s when we came up with a devious plan.
On the front of our little operation we wrote on a large neon poster: "Slow down, there is a cop down the street. Also buy our lemonade 25c".
Needless to say, most of the drivers appreciated this and would buy our lemonade usually at $2 to $3 a pop. We pulled in some nice cash and I would be able to purchase an exorbitant amount of N64 games.
29. Timing Is Everything
This is not my story, but my brother Alan’s. First and foremost, Alan is 1) rich and 2) crazy. He pulled out of a parking lot one night and went through a yellow light shortly after. He gets pulled over, and the officer informs him it was red. Alan argues with him, insisting it was yellow, but the officer doesn't care and tickets him for running a red.
Now, Alan works in radio transmission, ensuring that mass communication networks run. To do this, he has (or had at the time, I'm not totally sure on the details) all these certifications from the FCC. One of them was to perform some weird specific calculations for the time it will take for different things (usually signals) to reach various points.
You can see where this is going. He got the exact timetables for the light's functioning, the time of the incident, and a whole bunch of other info. But, he used all of it, and his status as legally certified by the government to make these calculations to prove that he could not have run the red light without having been going at something ridiculous like 120 miles an hour from where and when he started.
He took it to traffic court and got the ticket thrown out. And he did it all to mess with the officer who’d pulled him over.
30. Son Of A Bench
A bunch of kids at my high school bought a park bench and carried it around town, every time local law enforcement stopped them they showed their receipt and walked on. Eventually, the officers were informed of a bunch of kids carrying a park bench, and stopped confronting them.
When the kids realized this had happened, the whole class took all the park benches they could find and carried them away.
31. May The Force Be With You
Last year I was sitting next to my then-roommate, who was driving admittedly quickly through the residential area near our university. Blues and twos behind us, and the officer stomps up to the car window asking if my friend knew that "he'd just been caught on radar doing 40 in a 25". My friend hesitates, looks straight at the officer and, channeling Obi-Wan, says "No, I wasn't". Force-manipulation hand gesture included.
The officer kinda gapes for a moment, and finally says, "Nine years I've been on the force here, and I've never seen that one before. I'll give you a warning, but don't pull that again".
32. Roll The Tape
When we were much, much younger, my friends and I occasionally did something we dubbed "car-taping".
It's simple, really; we would lay duct tape on the road in 7-8 foot long strips, slightly longer than the width of a single lane, sticky side up, at a four-way stop so that as cars decelerate the tape would inevitably adhere to their tires.
As they accelerated away from the four-way stop, the loose flaps of duct tape would flap on the ground and make a sound very similar to the sound a flat tire makes.
People would get out of their cars, inspect, and feel "had".
Once, we "taped" a cruiser.
Outraged (I assume), the officer got out of his car, muttering a storm of expletives while he furiously tore away the strips of tape. He then drove around the block so that he could find myself and my friends. Though, by the time he made his way around the block, we had already laid fresh strips of tape—taping his car a second time.
He parked about 70 feet away from the intersection, got out of his car, removed the tape, and began looking for us. He didn't find us. He drove around the block once more to look for us. We taped him AGAIN.
33. And The Oscar Goes To…
I love my wife. I was FLYING down a highway one night, going 90 or more, and I see lights. I am SO busted. I pull over, cop comes up, I roll down my window and before either I or the officer can say anything, my wife leans over my lap and squeals: "I HAVE TO PEEE"! in this desperate voice. She is a little slip of a thing, 5 foot tall, 98 pounds.
The huge burly male cop looked at the desperation on her face, looked to me who just gestured at her, and he told us where there was a rest stop, and walked away. I looked at her—she burst out laughing, saying, "I didn't think it would work"!
34. Time Is Money
This was about 10 years ago. I got a large planter from my mom and put it in the trunk of my car to replant something at my house. I forgot about it for a few weeks. I got pulled over for something. The cop asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over"? and I said, "Was it speeding, or was it because of the pot in my trunk"?
He got me out of the car and had me put my palms on the hood while I was searched. He opened the trunk and was not happy. I got chewed out for wasting his time and such and such. I noticed that not one single car passed, so it wasn't wasting too much of his time.
35. Along For The Ride
The year after I graduated high school, I was walking to work one day and a cop stopped me and asked me why I wasn't in school, I told him I didn't have to be. He didn't believe me and told me to get in the car, I wanted to see this play out…so I did. He drove me to the school and escorted me into the office, he told the clerk he caught me skipping school, she asked my name, and as I told her my old counselor overheard and came over. She looked at the officer in disbelief and told him I graduated last year. The cop gave me a glare and asked why didn't I tell him and I said I did tell him, I didn't have to be there.
36. Phishing For Tickets
I went to a Phish show once and pulling into the parking lot beside us were a bunch of 20-somethings who looked out of place. That’s when it dawned on me. See, the first glaringly obvious clue that they were undercover was their brand-new tie-dyed t-shirts. Add to that they just didn't fit well with the scene. I wandered over to their car and noticed government license plates.
So we followed them and yelled undercover to let everyone know to stash whatever they had. They pulled us aside and said we'd be thrown behind bars for endangering an officer's life if we didn't stop, so we did.
37. If You’ve Got It, Haunt It
I'm from Bombay and I live in an apartment on the 23rd floor. Some weekends, my friends and I sit by my bedroom window and smoke. You can see the street below pretty clearly from my window, and most nights mine is the only room with a light on.
Every Saturday night, around a dozen officers from the town get off their intimidation duty at around 3 am and gather to chill on the street that is visible from my window. They're usually just catching up or counting their earnings from the night. One such night, my friend decides to mess with them and brings out a vuvuzela. He then proceeds to this little game of playing it, and then ducking—note that the surrounding buildings and possibly the height make the horn echo like crazy. While he's hiding, I calmly light up and puff smoke out into the open, all this while the lights are on and they can pretty much see everything with their binoculars.
The next morning, the building's private security send a guy over to thank me on their behalf for getting rid of them. Apparently, they thought I was a ghost and the street and building were haunted. The security trolled them even further by saying nobody lived on the 23rd floor. Never saw the officers again.
38. Superman, Jesus, And A Cop Walk Into A Party…
So it was Halloween and we are getting set up for a college party at a house off campus. My college is in a small town where local law enforcement have nothing better to do than break up parties and give out underage drinking citations.
Well, we look outside and notice that, in the empty parking lot, were the town’s two undercover cars. As people start arriving at the house, we tell everyone who is underage not to start drinking as the house was being watched. So what we do is we send my one friend, who is 6'5" tall but wearing a child's Superman costume out the front door, being chased by another guy wearing a racy cop outfit, carrying a whip.
To top it all off, he’s being chased by yet another guy, this one dressed as Jesus. As the three begin to run down the middle of the street, the two undercover cars start to pull out of the lot to chase my friends. The three of them stop in the middle of the street and wave at the undercover cars.
At the same time, everyone who was at the house files out onto the front lawn (in costume) and waves at the cars. Knowing the jig was up, they sped away and the party went off without a hitch.
39. History Lesson
A friend was driving to Florida from New York. He was crossing through the backwoods of Georgia going quite fast when he got pulled over. The Southern officer sidles up to his car and drawls, "Now Son, I ain't never seen anyone go through my state that fast". My friend knew exactly what to say.
With a grin, he replied: "What about General Sherman"?
He spent the night behind bars.
40. Getting Off On A Technicality
Me and a few friends were stopped by two officers because, and I quote, "You were lighting something up when we drove past, and you had your hood pulled up". A pretty silly reason—it was a Marlboro and my hood was up as it was a cold day.
Me: "Is it true that if I were to call you an idiot I could be detained"?
Me: "But if I think you're an idiot there's nothing you can do, right"?
Officer: "Uh, well, yes".
Me: "In that case I think you're an idiot".
Watching the second officers try his hardest not to laugh pretty much made my day.
41. And For My Next Magic Trick…
I met an "undercover security guy" at HMV. I noticed he was following me around and every time I looked his way he would nonchalantly check out whatever was on the rack in front of him.
So I stuffed a bunch of CDs in my jacket then headed for the door. He then had to beat me there, while not drawing attention to himself, so he did a kind of speed walk that looked ridiculous. As soon as I walked through he grabbed me, told me not to run or I would "be sorry". I got taken to the room upstairs the manager came in.
The rent-a-cop was making fun of me the entire time, told me I was scum etc, etc. But there was something that he didn’t know. While he’d been doing his silly speed walk to the door, I’d ditched the CDs on another shelf.
The manager emptied my bag and checked my pockets. When he didn't find anything the security guy got confused and started rifling through my stuff.
Then they went to the video. With the angle they had, you couldn't really make out what I was doing both when I took the CDs and when I put them back.
So it was just the security guy trying to convince his manager, saying: "There! That’s when he took them! I saw it"!
I had a huge grin on my face the entire time. The manager apologized and let me go on my way.
42. In Case Of Emergency, Break Gas
I was on my way to school when my stomach turned HARD, I need a bathroom ASAP, so I was spending down the highway. I see lights flashing, so I wave to show him I saw him and pulled in the nearest gas station. As soon as I pulled up I took the keys out of the ignition, handed them to the officer, and said I needed to go to the bathroom real fast, then we can do the ticket thing.
The officer, not believing me, thinking I was about to flush something, follows me to the bathroom. When we got in there, I sat down and unleashed. My guts were so messed up you’d swear I’d been eating Taco Bell for a month.
The smell made the officer wretch. Once he recovered, he slid the keys under the stall I was in and ran out of the bathroom. When I got back to my car, the officer was gone, but there was a note on my window saying "Get well soon".
43. In Pizza We Trust
I was a pizza delivery guy, but somehow ended up as assistant manager. Still, I delivered whenever I could—it was an amazing job, pizza delivery. Best paying job I've ever held.
This particular night I wasn't delivering, but I was closing the store. It was around 2 am on a Friday night when I finally finished. Me and my driver decided to light up after work.
High as a kite, I finish my duties and let my driver go. I sit in my seat for like 20 minutes and finally decide that I need to go home, a 10-minute drive. The unfortunate part about my store's location is that we were directly adjacent to a bar that the officers loved to check out. Late at night, I tended to put a pizza magnet sign on the top of my car to inform the officers that I was a non-drinking worker.
The thing about officers in my old town; we had a bit of a deal with them. You can't actually gift things to an officer specifically, but you're free to give a present to the department as a whole. Every Monday and Friday, we provided the officers with 5 extra-large pizzas, and we had an unspoken understanding that they would let our drivers get away with minor traffic infractions. Or so I thought.
Well, I'm heading home. It's about 3 am at this point. Now, the road I had to take was a great road. Well maintained, great lighting, signs everywhere, but it was steep as any hill you'll find. Probably a 45-50 degree incline downhill. I just got lost in the moment. Journey was playing in the background; can you blame me?
Enjoying my excellent ride, approaching 90 on my speedometer, I near the bottom of the hill when blue and red lights start flashing behind me. I freeze. Totally.
At this moment, I'm high as a kite. I freeze. Totally freeze. Eventually, I manage to figure out I'm in huge trouble, and think that I should probably ditch my pipe into somewhere the cop can't see.
As soon as I finally process the thought, I hear a tapping on my driver's side window. A flashlight. The officer cometh.
I roll down my window slowly without thinking. I realize the pipe is still in my hand, and I simply throw it as hard as I can to my right, hoping it'll land on the floor. I watch it fly in slow motion. It lands on my passenger's side seat on top of a pizza I took from work.
I never stop rolling down my window. I figure the cool breeze will somehow save me from the inevitable charges I'm facing. It rushes over my face, and I stare the officer right in the eyes. I maintain that for over a minute. Neither of us say a word.
Eventually, I break the silence. I'm not sure what it was; maybe it was how high I was, or just stupidity, but I made the final decision.
I grab my pipe from my passenger seat, turn it toward the officer, and ask "Want a hit"?
I'm sweating bullets. This was a 1/1000 shot. I was hoping that his sense of humor would override his responsibilities.
Finally, after a long silence, he starts laughing. Slowly at first, hysterically after a few more seconds. He's trying to talk between his heaving laughter, but failing miserably. A bunch of unconnected syllables come over the next five minutes—well, I was high, it might have been ten seconds—and I stare stony-eyed at the man. I'm ready to ride this out.
Finally, he starts to recover from his laughter enough to say something. In between his laughing sobs, I finally make out: "Hollyyyy...you frigging...pizza...guys...Jesus Christ."..
He walks off. Nothing else. I wait there for ten minutes. I have no idea what to do. I slowly start driving again after that period, though the officer is right behind me. He follows me closely. As I approach my intersection to the highway, he pulls to my side. I look over at him, and he's laughing hysterically. Pointing at me, and I realize his partner is too.
I ignore them the best I can. I ride past the intersection when the light turns, and they follow me in the wrong lane the entire way. I pull into my driveway. I decide at this point that they're probably messing with me, and tried to stop worrying. I got out, locked my doors, and walked toward the door.
I go inside, watching out the window. The officers are invisible from my vantage point, but I'm too paranoid not to watch. After like 30 minutes, I finally suppose they're no longer there. I head to my bed, and pass out.
The next day at work, the officer comes in and orders a pizza. I maintain a stony disposition and process him like any other customer. Ten minutes later, I give him his pizza.
Walking out the door, he finally says something".
So, question for you. How hard did we freak you out last night? You seemed pretty high; I'm guessing pretty hard".
I stammered and walked toward the back mumbling. I never saw either of them again.
44. Slow And Steady Wins The Race
Junior year of college, I was the only one with a car so I was the one who always had to go on runs to the store to get drinks for everyone.
You can say I look a bit young for my age and I drove a sportier car. So within the first month of buying from this one place, I got pulled over four times (not kidding) after leaving the store. I noticed they had no reason to pull me over. The officers did play legally I guess by following me until I did something stupid or noticed something wrong with my car: license plate light out, took a right turn into the second lane, side view mirror was broken, rolling stop right turn on a red light. They made me do a test once on our busy college street. I got a lot of honks.
Well after completely inspecting my car I went out again to purchase some drinks for my friends. No surprise, I was being followed when I left. I knew that if I drove perfectly they could not pull me over. I drove around the block for about 15 minutes and I was shocked they were still following me. I eventually hoped onto the highway, got off, and then back on.
After about 40 minutes of charades I was getting thirsty and missing the pre-game so I pulled into my driveway. The officers followed me, waited till I opened my trunk and ran in, and asked to see my ID. Well, there was something they hadn’t counted on.
I pulled it out with a big grin and they got in their cars and left.
I never got pulled over again, maybe because they finally realized, hey, this idiot is 21.
45. Two Can Play At This Game
It was pretty well known our local law enforcement had a van equipped with a speed camera that they would park all over town—unlike the radar trailers displaying speed, this one would actually give tickets. One day they parked it down the street from my fraternity. No one was in the van, just automated equipment. So we can up with an ingenious plan.
We sneak up to the van and remove the license plates and stick them onto some generic beige Mazda, cram the car full of dudes, speed up and down the street as many times as we can stand, then replaced the license plates.
The department's speed trap van received 60 speeding tickets. I know, because it made the school paper.
46. Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes
When I was a junior in high school, I worked for the school paper and wrote a weekly editorial.
Near the end of the school year, local law enforcement busted a huge kegger that took place at a house DIRECTLY next to our small-town high school. The officers let EVERYONE who was underage, inebriated or not, leave the party. They gave "contributing to a minor" tickets to the few dudes who were over 18. Mind you, there were a ton of kids jumping out windows, hiding in closets—it was a real circus, but somehow those kids driving off after having a few drinks was a better solution to the officers than having to deal with them. It gets better.
The officers seized the kegs and threw them into the back of a pickup to haul off later. As the officers are inside writing tickets to the 18-year-olds, a bunch of kids who were at the party pull up in their own truck, take the kegs back, and drive off to the second location and continue their evening.
So naturally, I write it all up in an editorial that makes the officers look as dumb as they did already, and also chide them for letting kids drive home after drinking instead of at the very least driving them home with a warning. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
So local law enforcement gets angry, and because it's a small town and they know a lot of us on sight, they start going around giving out retroactive tickets to my classmates and saying "You can thank Clarence Johnson for this".
Needless to say, things were a little tense around school for a day until my buddy, who was super-popular and jocky and stuff said "Look, all he did was point out what huge jerks they are. You agree, right? So shut up about Clarence". Thanks, Mark.
Anyway, my dad gets wind of this, and he's a really liberal dude anyway, so he hauls me down to the station to sit with the mayor and chief. I didn’t know it—but he had a plan. He explains to them that his lawyer thinks we have a great case for harassment, which freaks them out, and then he has them apologize to me, and gives them a lecture on the First Amendment, and then he makes them swear that none of their officers will ever try and "even the score" or anything dumb again.
And to the mayor's credit, the officers did leave me alone after that. I can't imagine the screaming he must have done to get the chief to go along with it.
47. Go With The Flow
After being pulled over to the side of a two-lane highway for speeding:
Officer: "Why were you in such a rush"?
Me: "Just keeping up with traffic sir".
Officer: "There's no one in front of you".
With a grin, I said: "Goes to show you how fast traffic is moving today".
I got a ticket.
48. His Brother’s Keeper
I was riding along with a friend of mine, Brian, around town. Brian turns down a road and notices a cruiser tailing him. Not pulling him over, just tailing. It was weird—but it was about to get weirder. He looks at me and says "Hey, watch this" and proceeds to put the pedal to the metal. It was a 30 mph road and the cop finally pulls him over as he hits 45 mph.
I begin to worry at this point but as soon as the car stops Brian says, "Now watch this". He gets out of his car, runs over to the cruiser, and proceeds to hop onto the hood, yelling. I am just about losing it, wondering what the heck has gotten into Brian…when I hear the cop yell: "BRIAN! GET OFF THE CAR OR I'M TELLING DAD"!
49. Locked Out
My friend’s brother got pulled over, and as the cop was about to let them go the cop said something like "Anything else I should know about"? Now he was driving an old car and it had a glove box he could never get open.
So his response to the cop was "Whatever you do, don't look in the glove compartment". Needless to say, he was pulled outta the car and the cop tried to get into glove box. He couldn't get into though so they had to call a locksmith.
An hour later the locksmith finally gets the glove box open. The cop was thoroughly angry when he found nothing in the glove box and started yelling at my friend's brother. His response to the officers: "I told you not to look in there".
50. The Waiting Game
I was happily speeding home from work one night and passed an officer. He turned around but didn't turn on his lights right away, so I ducked into the nearest gas station and proceeded to fill up. The guy stopped on the shoulder outside the gas station, but I guess he didn’t want to try a traffic stop on a parked car. I knew exactly what to do.
I then proceeded for the next half hour to: check the oil, clean the windows, check the air in all four tires, clean all the trash out, walk in and get a soda and some wiper fluid, fill up the wiper fluid...all the while the officer is still sitting there waiting for me to pull back out. Just when I was running out of plausible automotive maintenance, he lights up and goes tearing off down the highway. There must have finally been some real work to do.