Is there any better feeling than pulling off a completely crazy stunt and getting off scot-free? After getting away with rule-breaking, destruction of property, and other shenanigans, these people took to Reddit to share their most hilarious and memorable stories that are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud.
1. What A Relief
In 7th grade, I REALLY had to go pee. For whatever reason, my teacher didn't let me. Our class was in the school library for the day, and there were only five minutes left till the end of the period. I figured I could hold it and then let loose during the passing period. This proved to be futile, and as I felt the floodgates about to burst, I kneeled down in the corner of the library and let loose. I couldn't control it at that point, and luckily for me, no one saw me kneeling there awkwardly, or if they did, they must've thought that I was looking at the bottom row of books.
I was freaking out at that point. I had no idea what to do. I was scared and embarrassed and knew that if anyone found out about it, my social reputation would be ruined. As I was kneeling there contemplating my impending social doom, the bell rang and everyone was let out to go to break (10 minutes where we could hang out outside and eat our snack).
To cover up the giant wet spot on my shorts, I "pretended" to tackle my friend into the grass, which was pretty wet with dew. I fell down face forward onto the grass and when I got up, I was horrified that all my friends were laughing at me for having what looked like a pee stain on my shorts. Luckily, I was able to pass it off as the wetness of the ground and got away with it. For the rest of the day, I sat in the stink of my own pee, wondering whether anyone else could smell it. On the bus ride home, people were exclaiming that something smelled like pee, but luckily, I wasn't caught. When I got home, I was probably the most relieved I had ever been in my life. I took a shower, soaked my shorts, and just flopped down on my bed exhausted from the stress of the day. To this day I have absolutely no idea how I got away with it, but by dumb luck, I came out of it unscathed.
2. Wart’s That Smell?
I had a date in a few days and then noticed I had a pimple on my nether regions. It was a big one, and I was worried it would not go away in time to meet this girl. I had the idea that if I applied wart remover, it would speed up the healing process. So on break, I went to Shoppers Drugmart and bought some wart remover. Then I went to the bathroom and applied a healthy dose. I went back to my desk, cringing from the pain, but happy that I could feel it working its magic.
Then someone complained of a smell in my direction. I panicked, then said, "Yeah, what is that smell"? I stuck my hand in my pocket and felt moisture. Then, to my horror, I could feel that I did not tighten the cap of the bottle. I removed the bottle from my pocket, soaked in the stuff, and dropped it under my desk, then beelined back to the bathroom. I locked the door, took my pants off, and washed them out of the pocket, then dried the heck out of my pants. I got back to my desk and felt no one could link me to the deed.
Soon people really started to complain about the smell. Then someone walked into the office and said the bathroom stunk like some chemical. Then the managers made us all move to the other side of the floor. My manager said they would bring some maintenance people to investigate the smell. I went pale—I remembered that the bottle was still under my desk. So I slipped away, went the long way around, and returned to the other side of the floor. I retrieved the bottle and noticed that the cap was off and the wart remover was soaked into the carpet.
I then beelined to the bathroom and flushed the bottle down the toilet and snuck back with the rest of the group. We worked away, and then the maintenance guys came and looked for the smell. It was bad, one of the guys got sick, and we were ordered to leave the floor. As we were leaving, I heard a maintenance guy talking about how bad it was and should clear the building. He pulled the fire alarm. We stood outside, and I watched in amazement as floods of people poured out of the 32-story building. Then fire trucks came. An hour went by and we were told it was not safe to return to the building, and they were bringing a specialist from Toronto to investigate. We all went home. The next day, I casually asked if they ever found out what the smell was. They never did. I was always a little worried they would see me being suspicious on camera, or something, but no; it was never found what the smell was.
3. That’s The Ticket
In 6th grade my teacher would give us red ticket stubs we could use to redeem for things as a reward for being good and such. One day, I'm at the party outlet store, and I see that they're selling rolls of these exact same stubs. I get some, and end up saving about a dozen for school so as to be inconspicuous—if the teacher saw her ticket system inflating like the German mark in the thirties, she'd get suspicious.
Fast forward to Christmas. The teacher announces that we'll have a raffle for some Christmas gifts on the last day of school before break, and enter using our tickets. I, along with most other people, had legitimately built up approximately 10 or so, but along with those, I joined in my 12 counterfeits. The day of the raffle comes, and I was blown away—our teacher went ALL OUT on this stuff—giant stuffed animals, board games with metal pieces, articles of clothing, new hardcover books -- the works.
She starts the drawing for the various prizes, and lo and behold, I'm the first winner. I got a giant stuffed snowman half the size of me, and I had to leave the room to put it in my locker. I come back not five minutes later to find that I had won twice more. It was like reverse karma. No problem, except I really don't want to win anything more lest Ms. Teacher gets skeptical. Well, I did keep winning. Between my several trips to the locker though, I think Ms. Teacher re-raffled off some of my stuff as a matter of wealth redistribution, and I was nervous about my scheme imploding on me, so I didn't contest. I ended that day with a giant stuffed snowman, a metal Simpsons chess set, and some new clothing. No one suspected a thing.
4. Unstained Reputation
It happened when I was in Grade 5.
It started out like any other morning. I woke up, showered and brushed my teeth, got ready for school. The usual stuff. I guess when I was putting on my clothes in the morning, I didn't take the time to check them out as I pulled them out of the dryer. Fast forward to sometime later that day. While I was sitting in class there were two girls that sat next to me who were giggling their little heads off. I look over at them and they then point down. As my gaze moves towards the floor the look of sheer terror on my face must have been priceless. There, hanging out the bottom of my pants is a very small, very white, and tight pair of very kiddish underwear with a giant skid mark running up the back.
These were my underwear. There was nothing I could do—I had been busted. As the girls started to laugh louder more people started to look, and eventually the teacher called back to see what all the commotion was about. I was screwed. I then did the only thing that I could do. I lifted the underwear as high as I could above my head, and told the teacher that some little kid must have left their underwear behind in class (this could have happened over the lunch period). The entire class started roaring with laughter. Kids were laughing at how small they were, the big stain, and the fact that it was underwear at school! I think the design was like little teddy bears or something which didn't help either.
Like a champ I sat there stone cold, not even flinching. I held them between my index and thumb in disgust, with a "What kind of stupid little kid left their underwear under my desk?" expression. I even cracked a joke about the stain. The teacher saved the day when she said that they were obviously too small and too childish for anyone in the 5th grade and made me throw them in the garbage out in the hall. The whole class moved on and it was never brought up again.
5. Explosive Ending
I was a major loser in high school and skipped or slept through most classes. It was during those formidable years that I developed IBS and would have uncontrollable bouts of diarrhea. Well, 5th period rolls around and whilst sitting in 10th-grade English, I got the urge to purge.
I raise my hand and after being ignored, I yell that I need a hall pass to go to the bathroom. My teacher, knowing I wouldn't be back, says no. I stand up and, God bless gravity, nearly lose the kids before I could even get close to the pool. I start to make a mad dash and she blocks the door. She tells me to return to my seat—and that's when the flood unleashed.
I turned my back to her with about 18 inches of space between us and the vile, orange stuff explodes all over my skirt, her pants, the floor, the podium, and her prized "Shakespeare in Love" poster. I promptly dropped out of high school 3 weeks later. I was never punished for pooping on a tenured teacher either.
6. Lock The Door
When I was a senior in high school, my girlfriend and I would pretend to be siblings wanting to look at mobile homes for our disabled mother, with an interest in buying. That was funny enough, but we'd take it a step further. We'd ask to be left alone to talk about the property privately. Then we'd do it in the show beds. We did this about seven times and only almost got caught once.
7. Close Enough
My high school had a requirement of 100 community service hours for graduation. I did like 20 then made up the rest. The counselor called me in and my heart stopped. She looked at me, looked at the hour sheet, and apparently decided they were legit.
8. Pole Vault
It was about 3 am in the financial district in San Francisco, and I was walking home from Minna St. when I saw a balloon blocking a corner pole-type traffic signal. I figured I'd be a good Samaritan and climb up and pull it off. About two-thirds of the way up, the worst thing happened—the entire pole started falling over on top of me. I luckily jumped out of the way and watched as it smashed completely through the big plate glass window of the bar next door. No alarms or anything. The streets were deserted so I ran, went to a pay phone, and told the authorities that I had come across a traffic signal smashed through a bar at a certain intersection and went on my way.
9. Scholarship Secured
Applying for college a few years back, I was invited to interview for a USC scholarship. They flew me down the day before the interview and showed the group of candidates the school. I passed by this stand asking people to write a letter to the senator to support Darfur's aid. I figured, why the heck not, and wrote one out using their bullet points, since I knew NOTHING about Darfur, but the girl asking was really cute.
Anyway, the next day, the interview was going so-so, and the last question the interviewer asked was, "Do you follow any current events? We like our students to be well informed". At that moment, I froze. Having wasted my life up until then, I immediately blurted out the only current event I could remember, the tragedy in Darfur. I looked him in the eye and made an impassioned speech using the points I had copied down not even a full day before. His jaw dropped at seeing how much I cared, and how well-read I was, and sent me off with a huge grin on his face.
Two weeks later I got a full ride to USC.
Early on during my freshman year of college, I met a really hot Asian girl through a mutual friend. We exchanged numbers and it turned out that she lived five floors above me in the same residence hall. Her roommate went home for the weekend so she invited me to watch a movie with her in her dorm room.
Fast forward a bit and we were lying in bed together watching some stupid movie. This led to that and before I knew it we were making out. The clothes came off, I got on top of her and started kissing her neck. Arching up to get a good look at her figure, I saw the most horrific sight I've seen in my entire life. Her whole body, from her face all the way down to her crotch was COVERED in blood. My mind started to race, thoughts flying a mile a minute as I tried to figure out what the heck happened. I noticed that my nose felt runny so I wiped it with my hand and instantly smelled that all too familiar copper scent associated with a fresh bloody nose. Yup, I effectively slathered my bright red nose blood all over her body. It looked like a murder scene.
Thank God the lights were off. The girl opened her eyes a bit and asked me why I stopped. Engage Apollo 13 style problem solving: I could have just told her what happened only to have my reputation completely shattered the second week into my college career. No way, I could never settle for that. In what was probably less than a second I assessed the problem. I executed the only action I could muster—a quick, "Nothing babe", followed by me retracing the path of blood I laid down on her, with my tongue.
Yeah. I lapped up and swallowed every last drop of my blood off of her body. To my astonishment, she didn't pick up the travesty I just navigated through and we kept fooling around, even hooking up a few more times after the incident. We actually became very good friends and we still hang out from time to time. To this day, she has no idea what happened.
I told my best friend this story right after it happened. We now refer to it as the "Nose-feratu Incident".
11. Blast Off
At 16 years of age, I flew to Minnesota to visit a cousin who had a decent amount of land. His dad had a permit to purchase dynamite (they were using it to basically blow a big hole in his swampy yard to make a duck pond). Somehow we got permission from his father to basically play with the stuff under the guise of clearing stumps off his property. When it was time for me to fly home, we still had 20 sticks left (plus a generous amount of det-cord and blasting caps) which I talked him into letting me take it all with me. Each stick of dynamite was cut open and the contents were stuffed by hand into several 2-liter bottles. I got the WORST headache of my life and had my heart racing like crazy from nitro-glycerin exposure. These were loaded into my luggage and flew with me back home. The blasting caps were very lovingly packaged and shipped via UPS ground.
I kept these under my dresser waiting for the right moment...and man was that moment epic. Fast forward a little over a year where I am working the graveyard shift at a Kinkos in a strip mall and alone to close the store. All the snow from a large parking lot had been pushed into a huge snow and ice pile close to 20 ft high in the center of the lot. In the middle of the night, I filled several 5-gallon buckets with hot water and made trips to the top of this ice hill pouring them to melt a nice hole to the bottom. I primed the charge with the blasting cap, lit 5 minutes of fuse, and dropped the charge to the bottom of the hole. Then I booked it back to the safety of the closed and dark Kinkos to watch the action from inside.
There was an enormous boom and huge chunks of snow and ice a couple feet in diameter were thrown all over the empty parking lot. About 15-20 minutes later, the parking lot was full of cop cars. They had a car stationed there pretty much 24/7 for weeks. Every time I went to work, I was sure that they were somehow onto me. I’ve never told anyone until now.
12. Movie Madness
My buddy and I each had a free admit 1 pass to the local cinema, which we kept in our wallets. And here's the thing—the theater never really staffed the ticket taker kiosk, like where they rip your ticket in half. We figured that we could just walk on through, and if they ever attempted to stop us, then we had our free movie passes in our wallets.
This literally worked for about two and a half years. I saw probably over a hundred movies for free.
13. Sworn To Secrecy
When I was 16 my friend and I were driving around in his parents' car after they had left town. They told him specifically not to take the car out. We were a little out of sorts at the time, basically just joyriding around. when the worst possible scenario occurred.
My friend swerved onto the side of the road and lost control of the car. We spun around a couple of times, then bashed against a concrete barrier, totally wrecking the front and passenger side of the car. After checking that we were both OK, we drove the car off onto a nearby dirt road that led to a sugar cane field (this was in Hawaii by the way). We got out of the car, grabbed a fuel can in the trunk, doused the car, lit it on fire, then ran as fast as we could through the cane.
About 5 miles of running later we arrived back at his house and made a pact never to tell anyone what happened. The next morning the authorities show up at his house and he tells them that the car must have been stolen in the night and that he hadn't noticed since he was out until the morning with me. Wound up telling his parents the same story. The insurance company did an investigation and wound up covering the cost of a new car.
20-something years later his parents STILL believe that the car was stolen that night. We've only spoken about it once since it happened!
14. We Didn’t Start The Fire
In middle school, my brother and I would go do odd jobs for an old man who lived down the street once or twice a week. He was an auction hound, so he constantly had new shipments of junk coming in. We would organize it all, move things around, clean for him, etc.
One day, he told us to tackle the biggest challenge of all: the garage. That was where we had thrown all the stuff that was too useless to be organized with anything else. So after hours of sifting through the debris, my brother found a small coffee can filled with superglue. We never found out why it was filled with glue, but it was. So my brother, being the semi-arsonist that every boy was in middle school, decided to drop a match into it. Then he took a can of spray paint and made a little flamethrower. As he was going to get more paint, he knocked the can over.
So now there's a bunch of flaming liquid on the ground. Cue my brother's stupidity—He decides to throw thick bundles of newspaper on it to smother the flames. Herp derp, the flames got bigger. There was smoke billowing out from underneath the garage door (this guy lived on the corner of two pretty big streets in town). Half the stuff in there caught up. I got soot all over me trying to put it out. Eventually, my brother told me to go inside and do something else, and that he would take care of the rest.
So I go back in, and the guy asks me why I have soot all over me. I made a curious face and said "What"? He repeated the question. I told him that it must have been dirt because I had just been sweeping the garage out rather violently. He squints at me questioningly, and says "Alrighty".
My brother somehow put the fire out. Nobody called the fire department or anything. We even cleaned up the garage after. There are still burn marks on the ground there, though. And five or six years later, I still have literally no clue how he put that fire out.
15. No Such Thing As A Free Lunch?
My work had an employee cafeteria where lunch was $1 and the food was actually pretty good. I was a freshman in college and $1 was something that was better used for 'you-call-its' rather than lunch. They had these punch cards you could buy that had 10 meals on them for $8.
In looking at the punch card, I realized it was just printed on normal card stock. I bought one, took a picture of it (did not have a scanner), and imported it into a graphics program. I then made 10 versions, all with different serial numbers. I printed out hundreds and passed them out to my friends at work.
But here was the genius of this plan: When we used 9 meals, we would throw them away so the serial numbers weren't tracked. We would always buy random employees their lunch for them, out of the goodness of our hearts. Whenever I got low, I would just print out more. We used them for nearly two years, netting in at least a few thousand free lunches.
16. The Eye Of The Tiger
I can draw and paint pretty proficiently, and I'm the only one in my family who can do so. My mother always liked to cash this in with relatives by encouraging me to 'draw little pictures' on thank-you cards and the like. Needless to say, I never did. But one time while we were up visiting the grandparents in Wisconsin.
My grandfather is crazy. He collects vintage cars and leaves most of them to rust. One recent addition to his collection, however, was a 1974 Ford truck. This thing was a nightmare. The inside of the bed was painted bright orange. The outside upper half was the same orange, and the lower half of the sides were black. Separating the colors was a strip of lime green. The inside upholstery was fake orange velvet. The brakes hardly worked, and the horn was operated by pulling a string connected to an air-pressure horn under the hood.
My dear old grandfather decided to go all out and adorn the whole thing with tigers, in honor of his old high school mascot. I, being the resident artist, was coerced into painting three tiger heads on orange boards that he planned to stick on the sides of the car. I was not too happy about contributing to this horrendous farce of an automobile. The first two tigers I painted as best I could. They looked passably like jungle cats looking perturbed at hanging on the side of a car.
The third, however, was the "piece-de-resistance"—I gave it derp eyes. Everything else was fine, but the eyes were pointing in no way in the same direction. I proudly presented the three feline likenesses to my grandfather, who put them on the sides and front of the car. Several other relatives gathered and commented on how good of an artist I was. Not a single one of them commented or pointed out the blatantly idiotic-looking tiger that I had done. Benefits of non-confrontational relatives, maybe.
17. Hall Pass
In my senior year of high school, I used to dress really sharply, and I usually carried around a laptop case with me because I liked to bring my laptop to school. One day I was finishing up my trig test kind of late and the bell rang to go to the next period. I stayed in that class for an extra three minutes to finish up my last question and left. Halfway there the bell rang again marking the beginning of the next period... In my school, it was common to do tardy sweeps where deans roll around in golf carts picking up kids who are late and giving them detentions.
Anyways, I see a dean pick up one of my friends and I think to myself "No, no, no I'm gonna get owned...Then I remembered what one of my friends told me. If I walk like I own the place people will believe it. So I kept my cool and kept walking past the dean. But he tells me to come on over and asks me where my hall pass was.
I don't know what came over me but I looked him straight in the eyes and said.... "Excuse me?" he looked me in the eyes and repeated the question. "Where is your hall pass"? I looked at him with the straightest face possible, chuckled a little, and said "Oh I'm a computer technician, I'm going to Portable 118 to go fix a computer right now".
He looked at me for 4 seconds and said "Oh I'm sorry, I mistook you for a student". Then I said, "It's ok, it happens all the time". and I left. All the while my friend was sitting in the golf cart with his mouth wide open... I kept walking to class and ANOTHER dean in a golf cart asked me for my hall pass, so I told her I was a computer technician too...
I was on fire at that point, trying to contain my laughter. Anyway, I get inside of the classroom laugh pretty hard, and everyone looks at me. Obviously, I'm late and the teacher noticed that I was late and asked me where my pass was. I was on a roll at this point so I had to keep going. I told her that I wasn't late and sat down. 10-20 minutes into class my friend who was sitting in the golf cart walks in and shakes my hand, we have a good laugh and play it all cool.
18. Mountain Ew
I was taking the final for a class in grad school, and it just so happened that they were doing construction on the place where finals were normally taken at my university and we had to take it in a new, unfamiliar room in some of the administrative buildings. I should also mention that the test was done in the evening, so all of the people who worked in the building were gone.
So it just so happens that over the course of this three-hour final, I work up a pretty full bladder. Excusing myself briefly, I walk out of the test room and start heading in the direction where I thought the bathroom was. I should have asked a TA or someone where the nearest toilet was, as in my attempt to find a bathroom I got horribly lost in this administrative building.
Being after normal work hours, it was completely bereft of anyone to ask directions to the bathroom (or even the way back to the test room). So basically I was in a panic. The minutes of my test was dwindling away, I was lost, and I had to PEE (which didn't help thinking clearly to solve the being lost problem). So after 20 minutes of pee-pee dancing all over the building, I couldn't take it anymore. I was going in the next 10 seconds, whether I liked it or not.
I had to act fast. The first solution I came up with was to take a cup from the water cooler that just happened to be a few feet away and pee in it. Given the time constraints my bladder was imposing on me, I went with it. So I grabbed a cup and started peeing into a drinking cup by a water cooler in my school's administrative building.
The first cup wasn't big enough, I had to grab a cup with my (sorta) free hand and make as spill-less of a transfer as possible. The second cup still didn't do it (darn small drinking cups), so I had to kneel to the ground, whilst peeing, and free up a hand to grab another cup.
Thankfully, the third cup was able to hold the remainder of my pee, and boy was I relieved.
That was until I realized I had three cups of pee to dispose of now. My plan? The obvious one. Throw them away.
So I grabbed two cups in one hand and the third in the other, and started walking back to my test (at least the direction I thought it was in), keeping an eye out for a trashcan.
I was feeling much better now, having relieved myself in a somewhat clean manner. It was surprising how much easier these halls were to navigate once the urge to urinate was no longer clouding my judgment. Things started looking familiar. Hooray! This was gonna work! But darn, where is this trashcan? who the heck doesn't keep a trashcan by a water cooler anyways? It doesn't make sense! Also, pee is so disgustingly warm when in a thin-walled plastic cup. And the smell...woah.
As I ponder this, another person turned a corner a ways ahead and started walking towards me. I didn't recognize them, but it didn't make them really that much better. Oh no, I thought, now I am going to have to walk by a random stranger with three cups of pee. I am going to be the crazy story they tell their friends tomorrow.
In order to fool them into thinking I was just carrying some Mountain Dew for myself and two friends, I time a "sip" when we were to pass so that all they could see was me lifting one of the cups up to my mouth. I did so, and I think it sufficiently fooled them, although I got a pretty strong whiff of my own pee in the process.
Just after this, I found a trash can, then my test room, and sat down to complete my test. In the end, I only lost like 25 minutes and was focused better. But man did I ever have trouble concentrating knowing I had just peed in the middle of the hallway.
19. Photo Bomber
When I was around 14, I went to Six Flags with my entire family (it's an annual thing), we split up into groups and I was with my cousin and a family friend of ours, We were supposed to be on the bus by 8 pm, but we were in line at one of the rides at the time, we were almost there so we decided to just get on the ride and run to the bus. As we were running to the bus, I accidentally bumped into this girl who was taking a picture of her family, I didn't notice she dropped her camera until I was a good distance away. As I looked back, I got chills up my spine—I saw that her camera had shattered into what seemed like a million pieces, my cousin (who was running beside me) looks at me with a horrified expression, and eyes that screamed "WHAT THE HECK DO WE DO"? so, I just screamed RUN FOR IT, and never looked back. To this day, I will not return to Six Flags in fear of this one accident.
20. Glide Or Die
My mate flew his paraglider into power lines snapping a 2-kilometer span of transmission lines, knocking out power for God knows how many people, and starting a bushfire. We rang the fire brigade and by some CRAZY luck, a guy who lived nearby came to see what the commotion was about, he worked for the energy company and rang it in... so there were no authorities involved.
To this day no one knows who was responsible for it... and I'd hate to think of the cost for replacing the lines.
21. Cheat Sheet Feet
I cheated on every single vocabulary test that I had in 4th grade by keeping an answer sheet under my desk that I'd cover up with my feet. I'd even share it with the other kids at my table. I never threw the sheet out after the test either. It stayed under my desk until someone picked it up. I can't believe I was that stupid, but...
The teacher never found out. Nobody knows. Except for the kids I shared it with and the internet.
22. Bathroom Break
I cheated on a final round interview with a very popular tech company where I was asked to solve a complex "malloc" problem and I said I had to run to the bathroom. My plan was simple and effective—I looked through notes in my pocket while in the stall and remembered enough to solve it when I got back. Got the job!
23. Ramen Rules
When I was in Grade 8 in a boarding school in India, I used to make a nice cup of ramen and cocoa using an immersion heater. Now these immersion heaters required power and we didn't have any sockets. (Food was considered contraband. You weren’t allowed to have your own snacks stashed away. Electronics were contraband too. Yep, it was like a prison).
I could have bulb outlets but there weren't any. So I proceeded to smash the hard wire tubing of one of the mains with a hockey stick and burnt the insulation with a lighter. I would then hook my immersion heater to this and boil water to cook ramen. All was fine until one day when I had the urge to take it further. I thought of removing more insulation so it would be easier to hook onto. With a pair of wire clippers, I tried cutting off the insulation and in doing so accidentally cut the wire. Ouch. All was still okay though.
The wires were a little stiff and if I bent them just right it would still almost connect. I proceeded to make ramen every day and doing so would cause the main wire to disconnect from each other therefore three dormitories housing 300 kids went without power for a long time every night. All the electricians came and looked everywhere but couldn't figure out the issue. I did this for a year until I moved to a new dormitory.
24. No More Cheap Seats
I have done this in the past and I still continue to do so. When I am looking to buy tickets to sports games or concerts, I usually buy the E-ticket where a customer would just print them from their own printer.
I would buy the cheapest tickets possible, usually somewhere around $5, and about an hour before the event, check the website for available lower-level seats. I would then pull off the "big" feat—I would Photoshop the Section, Row, and Seat to the unsold lower-level seats, on my $5 seats. Print out the new altered tickets, that have the REAL barcode but a FAKE section, and any usher will point you in the direction of your NEW better seats that you only paid $5 for. Trolling at its finest folks.
25. Madlad Moments
In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I took my Uncle Max’s toupee and glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and they served lunch, I went absolutely nuts—I pigged out and they kicked me out…
But the worst thing I’ve ever done—I mixed a bucket of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony, and then, then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.
26. Face Melt
I worked at a Kinkos sort of place in college. They had just gotten a big new $10,000 color copying machine, which was one of the big revenue generators at the store when the owners decided to go on vacation for a week and leave me in charge. I decided to make a fake ID. I used the color copier, of course, but I put some sort of laminated material through it. BIG mistake. It melted in the machine and rendered it inoperable. I wanted to call a repair shop, but I had no money, so out came the toolbox.
I took that thing apart, cleaned a bunch of metal and rubber rollers with melted plastic on them, and somehow got it back together again. It worked as it did before my stupidity, and my fake ID indirectly led to the end of my college career.
27. Give Me A Brake
When I was 17, my sister and I still lived with my parents. We both parked our cars in the driveway along the side, mine in front of my sister's. This made it difficult for me to back out when I had to leave because I didn't want to bother my sister. Anyway, once, it was dark and I was going out, so I started my usual inch forward and back while turning the wheel enough to squeeze out of my parking spot. Near the end, I jolted forward in a bit of shock—I had just accidentally bumped into my sister's car. It wasn't hard, and we both were driving old lemons so I wasn't too concerned. Then to my horror, I looked out my rearview mirror and saw her car rolling backward out of the driveway. She forgot to put her parking brake on or didn't pull it up hard enough.
Next thing, I'm running into the street trying to stop a moving car with my bare hands. I manage to get behind it and actually push it enough to stop it from slamming into the tree in my neighbor's yard. Then there I am, yelling for help because my street is on a downward slope and this car was heavy. Finally, a neighbor comes out and runs into my house to tell my parents, who in turn tell my sister. She got in huge trouble for neglecting to pull up her parking brake. They praised me for saving her car. Not a word was mentioned about me bumping into it in the first place.
28. Internal Affairs
In college, we were required to have an internship for one year. Apparently, the summer before I started the internship I was supposed to get a letter in the mail with a list of places I could intern, but I never got the letter. By the time the year started, it was too late to get an internship anywhere. It was my senior year so I didn't have another year to do my internship.
So I pulled the biggest con move ever—I just made one up. I said I was working with an online literary magazine. I completely faked the evaluations, made up my own work to do, and gave a presentation at the end of the year about my experience. As far as I know, no one suspected anything.
29. Just A Normal Vacation…
My parents, my two sisters, and I once escaped through the iron curtain in the middle of the night, via a train we were not supposed to be on, from Poland to West Germany.
I had no idea what was happening, we all thought we were going on a vacation to Yugoslavia. That's what my parents told everyone...and the next thing we knew, we were in a West German immigration camp!
It was a very crazy family journey. We now live in Canada and love it here.
30. Free All-You-Can-Eat
My wife and I were on our honeymoon in Malaysia. It was the Chinese New Year's holiday and we were in Genting Highlands, there was a huge convention center that was hosting a huge Chinese lunch buffet and stage show.
Chinese people bought expensive tickets for it, and my wife and I went to the bouncer and asked if we could just take a look inside, he said ok go on, don't take too much time.
We rolled in, it was extravagant and HUUGE and decorated awesomely with food tables on the side with every imaginable Asian food goodie, it was lunchtime and we were hungry, once the food started serving, we also went with the flow and I had the best original Chinese food in my life, all sorts of goodies.
After having a good time, we went through the exit. All this time we were feeling very nervous, and just as we were about to disappear, the bouncer called us and said WAIT!... My heart came to my throat.
He said, here are two complimentary Chinese oranges for each of you, it's for all the guests. I was like, thank you, good sir. Then we disappeared from sight :D
31. Deja Vu
In my junior year of high school, I never turned in an essay that was worth a large percentage of my English grade. When my teacher called me over while she was entering grades into the computer and asked about it, I used my excellent lying skills to spin the situation in my favor—I acted completely confused because of course I turned it in and what was she talking about? Because I had always been an awesome student, she thought it was her fault and that she had lost it. She told me she actually DID remember reading it and typed a 95/100 into the online grading system. It must've been one heck of an imaginary essay.
32. Breaking the Mold
In my high school biology class, we had to do a science project that made up the majority of our grade for the semester. For some reason I still don't understand, I just didn't bother doing it. When it was time to present our projects to the class, I managed to avoid being called on. Then when grades were closing, the teacher called me up to his desk. I was fully prepared to take my 0 and fail. Instead, he assumed he misplaced my grade somehow. That's when I perked up. He asked me what my project was about, and I said, "Uh...mold?" He said, "Oh yes of course," and asked me what my grade was. I said A-, which he agreed sounded right, and apologized to me for the screw-up!
I was apartment hunting in LA and found this cottage that I liked pretty well. It was pretty convenient to work, the perfect size, and offered a lot of privacy. The only problem was that the landlady struck me as someone who would make me miserable, and I wasn't all that keen on the actual location. But, it was in my budget and I did not have a lot of time to work with, so I signed the lease and gave her half of the deposit, with the agreement that I'd pay the rest of the deposit at move-in.
Just by chance, I happened across a Craigslist ad for another place in a much better location that was even more perfect for me. Even knowing that I shouldn't, I drove up to see the place and fell in instant love and knew I had to have the place.
The question was, how do I get out of the lease without losing my deposit? Based on some of the stuff the landlord had said (even a day late on the rent was considered unacceptable, etc.), I devised a master plan. I called her and confirmed that I'd be moving in on the first, but asked if she'd be willing to give me five extra days to pay the remainder of the deposit. If she wanted, I said, I'd wait until I'd paid to move in, but with the holidays and everything, I was just a little short of the rest of the money.
She was instantly icy and told me no, she wasn't interested in waiting for the deposit, and as a matter of fact, she felt it would be best if I just picked up the deposit I'd already left and canceled the lease. So I did exactly that and moved into my dream place instead.
34. ID Factory
Back in the early '90s, when I was 19-20, I made and sold fake IDs. New Jersey driver's licenses were super low-tech and it was easy to make good quality fakes with consumer-grade technology at the time (they finally updated them to make them more secure just a few years ago). I got a large foam-core replica of the license for people to stand in front of. The lettering for their name and address was done by inkjet and glued on with rubber cement so it could be easily peeled off and replaced with the info of the next customer. The process was sly and easy—take a Polaroid, cut it out, and put a duplicate back on it. The hologram was a light dusting of gold spray paint applied through a stencil. Laminate, cut out, and round the corners, Bob's your uncle.
I knew female customers could just flirt their way past a suspicious bouncer, but for my male customers, I also made selective service cards they could provide as backup, which had phony info identical to their fake license. I have no idea what they look like now, but the cards back then had green printing, with the person's info in black ink, and no photo. I didn't have a color printer, so I blew out a black ink cartridge and refilled it with green ink using a syringe. I had to run a piece of cardstock through my printer four times, once for each side and each color, and then cut it out.
35. Into The Woods
When I was in 8th grade, my school had nature trails and "secret paths" in the woods behind the school. No students were allowed in there, so naturally, the woods were packed with kids during lunch. One day, I was wearing a red jacket with a blue shirt underneath, and was walking through the woods. Then, a dean rounds the bend about 100 yards in front of me and sees me because of my red jacket.
He yells something at me and I take off running toward the school. This particular dean had it out for me and my friends for some unknown reason, so I knew my punishment would be harsh if I got caught. I knew I had to think fast. Once I was within a maze of portables, I rounded a corner and took off my jacket, and threw it under the portable. Then I whipped out my Yu-gi-oh and started pretending like I was playing with some 7th graders who were sitting on the ground (and who saw the whole thing).
About 30 seconds later, the dean rounds the corner and almost overlooks me, but then tries to take me to the office. The kids I was playing with started yelling back at him saying how I was here the whole time and some other kid with a red jacket ran through there a second ago.
So the dean kind of looks at me for a second, then runs towards where we said to go.
36. Student Solidarity
I gave my entire college class an extra week to work on a 12-page paper (that I had forgotten about). The professor had a lot of classes, and he really liked me, so I knew I could pull this off. I "reminded" him that he had told us the paper wasn't due for another week he bought it.
Of course one of the goody-two-shoes in the class tried to correct me but everyone around her shut her up.
37. Climb Every Mountain
The craziest thing I’ve ever done is something I will NEVER do again. I ended up running through the jungle to escape Vietnamese guards who were intending to turn us in for trying to climb Mt. Fansipan (the highest peak in Indochina) without a permit.
Either that or hitting a man with a cheeseburger while driving 45 mph.
38. All The Shingle Ladies
While at a wedding, I tipsily climbed onto the roof of the bar we were at and took a shingle. And that's not all—I then proceeded to take the shingle back into the bar, place it on the seat next to me, and call it my new drinking buddy.
39. Master of Deception
I faked my bachelor's degree and yet successfully enrolled in a master's program. But the best part? I’m currently in my second term with mostly A grades.
40. No Intelligent Life Here
In 7th grade, I lit a field near my house on fire. My reason for doing so was utterly idiotic—I was trying to contact aliens (I was, and remain, a weirdo).
There was a dirt mound nearby, tried to carry small handfuls over to the quickly-spreading flames, then booked it once I realized how futile that was.
I went inside and ran to take a bath to get the smoke smell off me. Once I was done, I heard my sister remark that there were fire trucks down the road... So I hid in my room and read Communion. Nobody ever found out it was me.
41. Just A Flesh Wound
Believe it or not, I defied death. I got hit by a train and walked out of the hospital only seven hours later.
I got away with being struck by a train.
42. Cash Cow
I was very young and extremely poor...with a baby. My grocery budget was $50 to $80 per week. Milk and meat were the two most expensive items I purchase...So I played a game of "Grocery roulette" with those two items. I would always put my gallon of whole milk under the cart, on the flat rack. I didn't pay for milk for probably a year that way.
I felt guilt and shame every single week, but I was in a very bad situation and literally didn't eat some days. Milk at least had plenty of calories so I could keep nursing.
I always figured if I got caught, I would just pull a "Oh, I forgot & didn't see it down there" and pay the $2.99 gracefully.
My life is so completely different now, but I am dedicated to living my life being overly honest (I will not even slow roll through a stop sign on a deserted road in the middle of the night) to make up for the bad karma. And by contributing much time & household items to the women's shelters that saved me.
43. Thanks, Officer
I got out of a speeding ticket (about 15 over). I told the officer a big white lie—that I was just excited to see my brother again since he just got back from deployment.
Some people will say that was pretty scummy of me to lie about. But for something I came up with while the officer was walking to my car, I thought it was pretty good.
44. Bob’s Your Uncle
Several years ago, in the late '90s, I worked part-time for a janitorial company. One night we got a contract to strip and wax the floors at a local Best Buy. The general manager of the store (his name was Bob) oversaw our operations, probably just making sure we weren't stealing and whatnot. After the job was done, that following day I went back into the store to buy a video game I spotted the night before. I had it all planned out in my head.
With my receipt in hand from the video game I just bought, I walked over to someone in the TV area, held up my receipt, and said: "Bob told me to get one of you guys to help me take one of these TV's out to my truck". Needless to say, he didn't check my receipt and got 2 other guys to help me carry a $1200 big-screen TV right out the front door.
45. Lower The Bar
I faked my bar mitzvah Torah portion. I could barely read Hebrew, and I had put off memorizing it for months. I tried to learn it the morning of my bar mitzvah, but I was only able to memorize about 2 of 8 lines. The other 6 I pretty much free-styled with Jewish-sounding noises. I had seen about 30 of my peers' bar mitzvah services at this point, so I was able to do a pretty good job of making it sound like an actual Torah portion.
Here's the catch—I went to a reform synagogue, so the only two people who knew (as far as I could tell) were the cantor and the Rabbi. Both of them were glaring at me on either side during my entire Torah portion. After I finished, everyone told me I did a great job and looked very confident up there.
46. Smooth Landing
I went to a college where there were no co-ed dorms. One night, I get a call from a nice young lady and she sneaks me into her dorm. The next morning, we get a knock at the door from a suspicious dorm director. In my quick thinking, I took a leap of faith...literally. I jumped out of her second-story window. I landed with a nice roll in front of a few classmates. Definitely upped my reputation. 10/10 would recommend it.
47. Presidential Pardon
When I was in the 5th grade my class took a trip to Washington D.C., and part of the trip included a visit to various Smithsonian museums. Since we had a large class we were split into groups to visit different museums at the same time.
I was part of the group that toured the Holocaust museum. The tour was great; very illuminating for a 10-year-old to be packed into a train car and see the horrifying images of the atrocity, but the tour was the shortest of the three groups so we ended up in the large open lobby/bookstore of the museum while we waited for the other groups.
During this wait I got bored, and knowing me, I tend to get in trouble when I'm bored, so I looked for something helpful to do to keep me out of trouble. I found a rag and started dusting bookshelves.
That lasted for about two minutes until I ran out of things to dust and we were still waiting. Then I saw something I'd never seen before; a fire alarm with a very dusty plastic cover on it. I wanted to be helpful so I went over and dusted it, but most of the dust was on the inside of the cover, so I lifted it…
...and all chaos broke loose.
The sound echoed through the entire building, and I was frantically trying to get it to shut off when this ENORMOUS security guard came over, slammed the cover shut, then stood over me looking like he was about to eat me. Several people ran for the exits, and a few women I remember screamed at the sudden VERY loud noise. Everyone was looking at me when it was shut off. I have never since been so absolutely petrified. I have also never been more relieved than when one of the chaperons of our group hurried over to claim me.
My teachers were already stressed out with the logistics of keeping so many kids together on this trip that when they called me into their hotel room that night to talk they all agreed that they wouldn't tell my parents if I didn't, and just left it at that.
When we got back home, my parents were excited to tell me that I had received a letter from President Bill Clinton which basically said, "Heard you were in town, hope you enjoyed your visit". Since I was the only one in my class to get a letter like that, I asked my teachers if they knew anything. They told me that they had been interviewed by Secret Service agents at the museum, and were informed that the President was in an office in the building meeting with heads of the museum and had to be evacuated when the alarm sounded.
My parents didn't find out until I told them the story – 12 years later.
48. Crayola Bandit
I was "the phantom tagger" in elementary school. I got so prolific that we had to empty our pockets before going to the bathroom to prove we didn't have any crayons. The principal made several warnings over the PA system saying they were gonna catch me, but I was two steps ahead of him—I managed to hit both the boys' and the girls' rooms and had several crayon stashes hidden in each bathroom.
49. Instant Car-ma
I had a roommate that I split the rent on an apartment with a while back. She was crazy, I mean literally insane. One time, she came into my room and woke me up at 4 am telling me to pack my stuff and get out, all because I left the couch cushions in the wrong order.
I had just paid her rent, but unfortunately, there was nothing I could do because my name wasn't on the lease. She had used me paying her rent to get a car, and the second she got it, kicked me out. So I pack my stuff, grab a couple of water bottles out of her kitchen, and pour them in her gas tank on the way out. A few hours later she called me crying about how her car was broken. All I could do was smile. I probably sound like a jerk, but she used me to get a car for herself and then left me homeless so I really don't even feel bad.
50. Good Boys Deserve Better
In college, my buddy and I lived near a sketchy dude. We saw him commit the most abhorrent act—he kicked and hit his dog. When he and his wife were gone on an overnight trip we broke into their house and took the dog. We had an adoptive family waiting in a nearby town...
I felt bad when the woman cried about the dog, but she never stopped her old man from hurting the dog so I figured it was the right thing to do.