Love isn’t easy. Mistakes are bound to happen, especially in this modern world of buffable dating rituals. Whether it’s “stomach” issues or a matter of life and death, there’s no limit to what can go wrong when meeting The (Potential) One. Feel a little less lonely with these 42 wild stories about the worst things people have ever done on a date.
1. Takes One to Know One
I commented that I was glad we finally went on a date. We’d been circling each other for so long that I kinda KNEW something would have to happen eventually. Of course, I didn’t say that, I just said: “Well, it’s really nice to finally be out on a date with you!” That’s when I heard, “…Date?”
2. Four’s Company, Three’s a Crowd
Went on a double date but didn’t bring a date. Effectively made myself into the third wheel.
3. The Nose Have It
After the date, went back to his place. Started kissing and getting really into it when I tasted blood, pulled back and told him he was bleeding because it was all over his mouth. He opens his eyes and makes me aware that it was indeed actually gushing from my nose. So we both had blood from my nose in our mouths. Mood was quickly killed and never revived.
4. No Turn the Flood Back
A good one hour into my date, we are at a restaurant. We got our food and are happily consuming it. I feel a sneeze coming. I’m thinking, “Remember how some people can hold it off by pinching their nose? Yes, let’s try that. Can’t be rude right? Can’t sneeze on the food either. Will avoid sneezing like a hippo in front of my date like I usually do.”
It was painful. The sound that came out was weird and attracted not only my date but more unwanted attention. All the mucus was still stuck in my nose and mouth. I couldn’t speak or swallow, so I decided to go for double thumbs up all around. Stuff in my nose started leaking… Many napkins were sacrificed shortly after.
5. Don’t Stop Me Now
I ran a red light. Like in the middle of the light, not just missing the yellow. I was so invested in talking to her that I just didn’t even stop. I’m just lucky it was late and there was no one in the intersection.
6. Into the Flames of Awkwardness
I was on a date about a year ago and I thought it was going really poorly. I was nervous and felt like we couldn’t keep a conversation, so I panicked and said: “Ha, how messed up is arson?” This girl just looked at me, took a sip of water and said, “Pretty messed up I guess.” We were not talking about arson, we weren’t talking about fire, we weren’t talking about crime.
There was no logical reason I said that out loud, it was a panic and that was the sentence that came out of my mouth.
7. Expecting a Treat for Those Tricks?
In the middle of the date, this girl told me she liked to skateboard. I happened to have a skateboard in my trunk, and I asked if she wanted to skate a bit, but she said she actually can’t skate. I made her watch me do kickflips and stuff for like half an hour until she started crying about how she missed her ex-boyfriend.
8. Never Underestimate the Power of Chivalry
On my first date with the woman who is now my wife, I bought her movie ticket, handed it to her, and said as quickly as I could, “Here you are, my lady.” I regretted it immediately but came to find out that she actually found it cute that one time. All things considered, it worked out way better than it should have.
9. To the Bottom of This Mess
Had a cyst the size of a golf ball on my butt pop and I bled all over his car on the way to the movies. Ruined my incredibly cute dress too. I was too embarrassed and in too much pain to do anything but like sob. Not fun. He wiped my butt on the first date.
10. Is That with Two M’s?
I forgot a girl’s name the night I met her. But I was talking to her for hours, we made out. It was great. Then I went to get her number and had forgotten her, trying to play it cool as she handed the phone back, I was like “Oh how do I spell your name sorry?” She replied, “Uh.,. it’s S…A…M?” Facepalm.
11. Rated Mature for High Expectations
Was very young, I think 16 or something. Watching a movie with a sex act—back when they didn’t censor as much—I suddenly blurted out, “Maybe we should do that later.” I never saw her again.
12. There’s No Right Answer, So No Pressure
It wasn’t me, but a friend of mine who works in a lab testing blood for AIDS and working on treatments. He’s super shy and awkward. He went on a blind date and the first thing he could think to say was, “So, do you like HIV?”
13. Salt and Pepper Sprayed
I had deputy training earlier in the day and they had pepper sprayed us. Well, after many hours of washing and rinsing I thought I was fine. Have some friends over at the house and one of them I am really into. Night goes on, we start to make out, and the pepper spray was released from my pores. She was like, why are my lips and face on fire. We laughed about it, made some crude jokes about possible mouth that makes things hot jokes, and never saw her again.
14. Nothing Un-Romantic About a Criminal Background Check
We ended up driving around in my car up in some neighborhood hills at night. I said something about how it seemed like the sort of an area where an ax murderer would take someone to kill them. Had to backtrack and state that, of course, I was no ax murderer. My husband now mentions it from time to time, so I didn’t scare him away at least.
I’m a serial online dater and I’ve had my fair share of bad first dates. The best one was when I put Blistex on a cold sore before a date. During the date I got nervous and started biting my lip and the Blistex went into my mouth and made my tongue numb…and consequently difficult to speak without sounding like I was hammered.
16. When It Rains, It Bleeds Too
I guess it’s not the worst thing I’ve specifically done, but definitely the worst thing that my body has done to me. Out to dinner, my stomach is feeling pretty upset but the food is amazing and expensive, so I try to tough it out. My body, however, was not in the mood to “tough it out” whatsoever.
I politely excused myself to the bathroom and loudly unleashed the most ungodly amount of liquid poop. To make matters worse, I had unexpectedly started my period as well. Since I was wearing a dress, there wasn’t much fabric to contain the blood, so my upper thighs were a bloody mess, as was the toilet that I just unleashed demonic horror upon.
Somehow my dress was unharmed, and I managed to evacuate my bowels and clean up in under 10 minutes, so my date was none the wiser. Still annoyed at my body for betraying me like that at my favorite fancy restaurant though.
17. If Only They Could Win at Love
I was on a second date and we went to an amusement park where she challenged me to a game of air hockey. I got overcompetitive and wrecked her 7-0. There wasn’t a third date.
18. To Quit Without Saving
I ditched her. We were at the movies. She was being weird, then she started flirting with some other guy. I said I was going to go get something from the snack bar, she asked me to bring her back a few things. Then I left, got in my car, and went home. I never heard from her again.
19. Funeral Jams
I had a Hitch-style moment once. I met a girl at a party. We both loved music, and she mentioned her favorite band was also my favorite band at the time (Brand New, if you are curious). We make plans for her to come to my apartment and then go to dinner. When she gets to my place, I strategically have some Brand New playing in the background.
She hears the song and immediately begins hysterically sobbing. It turns out her grandpa had died of cancer 3 months prior and the song (Guernica) was something she listened to multiple times a day to cope with his death. We didn’t make it to dinner.
20. Can I Not Have Your Hand in Love?
I went on a blind date with my boy to do him a favor. He was interested in the girl he invited, so I was tagged with her friend. We were supposed to meet at the theater. They were already there when I came, and I started walking towards them when I see the person that’s supposed to be my date take a giant sneeze into her hands…then rubs them together.
Immediately started walking away and left. The crazy part is that they saw me leave so they thought I was trying to say the girl was ugly and I was too good for her whatever. I’m not that petty. But I’m petty enough not to want to be next to snot hands.
21. Left Behind My Own Mountains…
Went on a 4-day date/hike through the wilds of Alaska. It was a trip over Raven Glacier, and the surrounding areas. Before we started the hike, we felt a nice breakfast would be a smart thing to do, so we stop at a local diner to partake of the local cuisine. What’s this on the menu? Reindeer sausage? Sounds wonderful!
I’ve never had reindeer before and the little pepper next to the name showed it was spicy, and man I love me some heat! If your food does not bite you back, it ain’t worth eatin’, I always say. So, I eat not one but TWO giant spicy reindeer sausages right before going on a multi-day hike over mountains and glaciers. What the holy hell was I thinking!
After about four hours of climbing up switchbacks. the low rumbling down deep in my guts began. It got BAD. I mean, stomach cramps, bending over in pain, having to stop to take a “dump” every 10 minutes for almost three days straight! I can’t even begin to describe the smell, almost a mix between molten tar and rancid Thai food.
I brought four rolls of bathroom paper. I ran out by lunch on day two. So, boys and girls, never, I mean NEVER try to eat something new, much less spicy before a multi-day trip. The girl? She stayed with me after all that. No idea why, but she did.
22. Paramedic! To Broadway!
I had purchased some Hamilton Broadway ticket for a show three months in advance for my mother that she was going to visit. She did not come, so I decided to look for a date. Keep in mind that these were the most difficult tickets to get. We are at a bar before going to the show and suddenly she starts convulsing, they call the paramedics and need to take her to the hospital.
I knew that I would have to miss the show. I got in the ambulance, but as soon as we arrived at the hospital, I bailed out. I arrived just in time for the show.
23. Anointed in Regrets
I had just read in the Bible how they anointed themselves with oil. So I tried washing my hair with a half cup of olive oil before the date. Turns out it doesn’t wash out. We went to the theatre. I had oil puddling in my ears the entire date. My socks kept getting oily. I smelled like a pizza. I didn’t get a second date. College at BYU was weird for me.
24. Geeks Before the Bereaved
On my first date with the guy I’m kind of seeing, he brought me to a Warhammer 40k shop to preorder a $160 box set of figurines and explain each and every available set in the shop to me. The shop was full of a bunch of dorky guys (no offense to them meant, I’m a dork too), who were doing their Christmas gift exchange and EXTREMELY uncomfortable having strangers, especially a girl like me, wandering and twining around them in this tiny shop while they celebrated Christmas together.
The one shop owner cried and got group hugs over a gift someone had gotten him. Meanwhile, my completely oblivious date is like “This is great!” And even though I kept telling him “Yeah, I know all about this?” (My adopted brother does Warhammer, my youth group used to play several Warhammer games, and I use Warhammer art as references for my art sometimes) he kept explaining, in detail, who Khorne is, and Slaanesh, and the differences, and how precisely I was pronouncing each name wrong.
I use the games and songs for reference, he pronounced Slaanesh “slay-neesh” or “slan-ish” and it annoyed me because he said, “There’s a dirge? Well, I don’t think that’s canon, but you wouldn’t really know!” Like listen, I like you but I’m pretty sure it varies and I prefer this one and yours suck. A: I’ve been a nerd a lot longer than you clearly. B: Why are you explaining things even when I tell you I know? COME ON, MAN.
And C: These people are having an emotional time right now exchanging gifts, partly because I overheard them saying one of their usuals had been in a car wreck the day before or so and was in the hospital, possibly comatose. And I don’t think they’re comfortable with a random guy dragging some girl dressed for a date between them and their emotional moments, OK?
25. She Didn’t Appreciate My Love Games
I totally ignored her and played my Tamagotchi the whole time. I was in middle school. She had a friend break up with me at a party a week later if I remember correctly. I deserved it but being dumped did not trouble me as much as I thought it would. Cause, you know, I still had my Tamagotchi.
26. Daddy Big War Games
I went out with a girl in high school and did the usual, movie and dinner. It had been going great up until dinner when she stumbled over a curb. I went to catch her, and promptly whacked her in the face with my head. This actually broke her nose, which lead to me panicking and trying to fix it. Of course, that was a bad idea, and I think I made her nose bleed more to be honest.
Thankfully, she wasn’t upset at me (I spent a good half hour freaking out over it), but there was a veeeeeeeeeery awkward and at one-point terrifying conversation with her dad when I brought her home. He was a former marine who served in Vietnam and did the usual “scare the bejesus out of the daughter’s date” by coming out sharpening his Ka-Bar knife when I picked her up—needless to say he really didn’t like or trust me after that. The girl and I dated for a year and we’re actually still pretty good friends. So, I guess it worked out okay in the end.
27. Not All Vegetables Are Good For You
I went on a blind date when I was 16 to dinner and a movie. We went to go see I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. I got peer-pressured into taking mushrooms for the first time (I’d never done ANY drugs before). I ate them with a few friends that tagged along for dinner. We went to the movies after dinner, just us me and the girl.
Well, at the beginning of the movie Jennifer Love Hewitt wakes up from a nightmare screaming, I proceeded to scream and run out of the theater. The rest of the night for me finished in this order: called dad from the payphone and told him I was tripping balls (as a 60s dad, he understood). I stayed in fetal position out front of the theater.
The girl’s dad picks her up with her crying and he kicks me angrily asking what my problem was. Dad picks me up. Dad drives me home while on the way looking at me and moving his mouth without saying anything just to mess with me. Dad tells me to go to my room and don’t talk to my mom. I have a conversation with my cat and black out.
28. When Ghosting Was the Kinder Option
Immediately after the date, I spent 20 minutes complaining via WhatsApp about how bad the date was. I thought I was talking to my friend with the same name as my date. It was my date and not my friend. I felt bad about it for weeks.
29. Everything Stays In the Family
I ended up going back to his house where he lived with his father. In the middle of the night, I farted so loud I woke up him, myself, and his dad. Because you can’t be blamed for anything you do whilst sleeping, I just stayed as still as possible. When we emerged from the bedroom in the morning, running into his dad, he said, “Son, you woke me up with that one last night!”
Chuckling away. “Yeah sorry, dad, must have been all the beer,” replied my date, winking at me. We’ve been together for three years now and are due to be married.
30. Triple Rejection
I met this girl online and she was incredibly sweet. I’d written something on a different site (a local news comment section) about having a bad day and she responded by saying she’d like to take me out for drinks to cheer me up. She didn’t imply anything sexual at all, but horndog me assumed that’s what she meant, I guess.
I take her up on her offer and we meet. It was just really awkward—she was very quiet and I kept trying to get her to talk, but it became apparent she was just really shy. So, I’m sitting there, just pouring back beers by this point while she sips her drink. She kept telling me she was having a good time, and I told her she was free to leave, but she said she wanted to stick around.
She was hard to read, but I just talked it up to her being shy and polite. After a while, this smoking hot girl comes up and asks for a lighter. I don’t smoke and didn’t have a lighter, but I start chatting her up and we hit it off immediately. The three of us are now in a conversation, but my original date, for the most part, was getting left out.
Drunk me didn’t care—this girl was a 10, seemed into me, and I wasn’t really feeling the original chick. 10 girl tells me she’d just moved to my town from Canada and had come to the bar to meet an old friend she hadn’t seen in a while, but she assures me that he’s just a friend—she’s extremely flirty and holding my hand and kissing on me in front of my date girl.
Meanwhile, date girl is still sitting there, adding to the conversation when she could, but mainly just sitting there. And me and the 10 chick are taking shots right and left. I’m getting drunker by the second. An hour or so later and her friend shows up. He’s Canadian too—very friendly, and totally sober. Me and his hot friend are bombed drunk and my original date is still just sitting there watching us.
Soon enough, my date and her guy friend are chatting things up, it appears things are going great with them and I can’t be happier with this girl I met. After a while, my original date and the hot girl both have to go to the bathroom. They leave and the Canadian guy is asking me how I know his friend and the deal with my original date.
I try and fill him in, but I’m drunk, the whole situation was weird and kind of a blur to me. He tells me that he really likes my original date and I tell him to go for it. I tell him I’m in love with his friend, he’s cool with that, so we decide that things are working out just the way we wanted. The night keeps going on, Canadian girl is still ordering round after round of shots and I’m keeping up, but I am like seriously gone by this point.
We’re all sitting around, chatting and having a great time, like four old friends. Eventually, the girls have to go to the bathroom again. They leave and the Canadian guy is telling me that he thinks he can take his date home. But he doesn’t live here and is staying with my 10 girl. I suggest to him that we all go back to my house.
I live right down the street, I’m single and live alone and I’d do anything to get some alone time with my new Canadian girlfriend. He’s cool with that and tells me to bring it up to the girls when they get back. Keep in mind that I’m almost blackout drunk by this point and am smoking the Canadian girl’s cigarettes. I don’t even smoke; that’s how you know when it’s my time to go home.
So, they get back and I bring it up: “Hey, Pierre (or whatever Canadian guy’s name is) and I were discussing it. We think we should all go back to my house and have sex.” Now, I don’t know why I said that. I was wasted drunk, but that was totally inappropriate and out of character for me. But you would have thought I took a dump on the table.
It was dead silence as the other three just all stared at me. I looked around and they’re all shaking their heads. My Canadian 10 girl is going “I’m not like that. Dude, I am not like that.” Canadian guy keeps yelling “I’m not gay. Why’d you say that?? C’mon man, I’m not gay!!” and the original date just looks at me like I stomped her kitten to death.
It was a look of pure hatred and disgust. Immediately, the Canadian girl tells me they’re leaving and to never contact her. I’m pleading with her, telling her I’m sorry and she’s screaming at me, telling me I’m disgusting. They pack up and leave and now I’m stuck at the awkward table with my original date. I finish my drink and tell her that it’s time we leave.
She agrees and we both walk outside, her not saying anything. She asks how I’m getting home, and I tell her I live close and am walking, she tells me that she’ll drive me home—and again, drunk me takes that as a sign she’s interested. I agree and we drive to my house. She pulls up and I get out and she stays in the car—I walk over to her window and ask her to get out—I thought she was coming inside.
She gives me this “Hahaha. Ehhhh… NO.” So, I tell her okay, and then lean in to kiss her… And she just turned her head with a look of sickness that I’ve never seen before. So, I suggest maybe a hug, and thank her for meeting me for drinks, something she is surely regretting at this point. She tells me fine; a hug is okay…And again, I hug her and then try and kiss her.
I should point out, I am very reserved, somewhat shy myself, and not like that. I don’t know what my douchebag deal was. She stops me and says “Seriously?? I see why you’re single” and speeds away. Yeah, never heard from any of those three again. In summary, I went on a blind date with a very nice girl, ditched her for a different girl, drunkenly suggested a foursome, disgusted all parties and then tried to hit on original girl after the new girl left. I’m a jerk when I get that drunk.
31. A True Gentleman Wastes No Meat
We went for burritos. I’d never eaten burritos before, and what I didn’t realize was that there’s definitely a wrong way to do it. There’s planning involved. Toward the end of the burrito, I felt something slip in the structure of my meal. It became clear that the burrito was going to slither into an unwrapped state imminently, the tinfoil it was wrapped in wasn’t going to stop it, and I had a choice.
I could either watch my tasty treat of cheesy beef flop onto the floor, or I could eat it, all of it, right now. I didn’t regret my decision; but I did have enough of a vague sense of dignity to vocalize a muffled “fffwrrry.” to my date as I fished tinfoil out of my packed and leaking gob, and used the other hand to wipe a stray fleck of beef that was oozing down my beard.
To compound the awkwardness, it must have been a full minute and a half of silent heavy breathing through my nose before I could clear my mouth enough to more thoroughly apologize and explain. I don’t know if she agreed with my choice; but I think she respected it. The thing is, there was actually a second date, and a third, and I think a fourth.
No matter how disappointing you are, gentlemen of Reddit, sometimes a lady will be in a dry spell longer than your own. Or possibly have a fetish about fat scruffy men suddenly and inexplicably fisting an entire burrito into their already-stuffed and dripping maw, I never quite ruled that one out.
32. The Goods Are Never as Good as the Gossip
It was ninth grade, my freshman year of high school. There was a guy that everyone was repeatedly telling me apparently liked me. He had asked if I was going to the school football game a week prior, but I had just chalked it up to friendliness and answered him with an honest no. Eventually, I got annoyed of hearing it from everyone else.
I confronted him with a blunt, “Dude, do you like me or not?” Upon his confirmation, I asked why the hell he hadn’t just told me earlier. “I invited you to go with me to the football game, but you said no!” I came back with: “No, you asked if I was going to the game!” From that interaction, we decided to go out on a first date.
We went to McDonald’s. Where I paid for everything and the dessert that he wanted. We then went back to school. I tried to kiss him and he freaked out slightly, I’m talking hyperventilating and muttering to himself. We dated for a few more months before I kissed him a little too passionately one day, and upon his freak out, re-considered dating him. We broke up the next day.
33. The Bad Move Was Listening to Mother
In the 90s I managed a busy furniture store with lots of customers. As an attractive girl in her mid-20s (and not wearing a wedding ring, as I wasn’t married) I definitely got hit on. Frequently. We sold a lot of mattresses so that alone lent itself to many awkward exchanges for me. One day I had a customer, a lovely lady in her 50s who I spent a lot of time with in the store.
As we were finalizing her invoice, she went on and on about her son who had just moved into town (from near where grew I up) and how I really needed to meet him. She explained how attractive he was (she also told me about his schooling and job, but really pushed his physical attractiveness) and after much badgering I agreed to meet him on a very blind date.
We talked on the phone (probably on landlines, this was pre-cell-phone era!) and met at the pub. He was one of the most physically unattractive men I’ve ever met. What she described and what I met were not in the same universe let alone ballpark, at least to me. So, I talked with him for a bit but unfortunately talking to him was like wrestling wet cardboard.
I’m a sucker for a sarcastic, witty guy and no matter how he looked, if he had been a bit cocky and had a sharp sense of humor, he could have won me over. But no. So, I tried for a few hours to make some conversation and realized it wasn’t happening and so I found an exit point and used it. I didn’t just bolt on him, I did give an excuse to leave, but at that point, I learned that MOTHERS WILL ALWAYS THINK THEIR SONS ARE GODS no matter what the kid looks or acts like. That was the first and last time I was ever “set up” by a relative stranger.
34. Cowboys and Drug Hallucinations
A girl in college had tickets to a rodeo and asked if I wanted to go. I don’t like those kinds of things, so I got super, super high beforehand. I hated it. It just seemed like rednecks messing with animals the whole time. Then one of the horses jumped up and fell on its neck and just laid there lifeless. I started freaking the heck out because I was pretty sure I just watched a horse die.
They had to drag it out of the arena on a fence pulled by a tractor. She insisted that the horse would be okay, but I left and never talked to her again. In short, I got too high and possibly watched a horse die.
35. A Blast from the Past Should Have Been a Blast in the Face
About two years ago, I divorced my wife after she cheated with a guy she met at my mother’s funeral. Six months after the divorce, I’m on my first date with a girl named Heidi. She wanted to stop by a local tavern that was hosting a charity benefit. We did…Worst decision ever. I walk in the front door and immediately I am face to face with the guy who screwed my wife.
He and I grew up as friends but lost touch until he came to mom’s funeral. He attempted to say something to me, and I immediately cut him off and threatened him rather harshly. He left. I spent the next 30 minutes explaining what just happened to her. She said I should have punched him…
36. No Compliment in Comparison
Freshman year college: it wasn’t exactly a date, but I was flirting with this girl name Lindsey at a party and she was not into me at all. I kept trying to talk to her and she would flat out ignore me. So, I ended up talking to her friend Sarah and bringing her home. I used to live in the dorms and shared a room so we ended up laying in my tub so we could hookup.
Sarah stops kissing me and asks, “What do you think of Lindsey?” and with no hesitation say she’s gorgeous. She then asked what I thought of her and I paused like an idiot. Then I replied, “Oh, you’re pretty.” Sarah begins crying like crazy cause everyone was apparently into Lindsey. Then my roommate starts banging on the bathroom door cause she’s crying so loud and basically just kicks her out because he had work the next morning.
37. A Cup of Sugar
During college, I took a girl I really liked to the movies for our first date. We were sitting there chatting during the pre-trailer commercials when the house lights are all still up. During this time, I start to fidget with the cup holder between us. At one point I mindlessly reach in and grab the little cross piece at the bottom and got my hand stuck.
She hadn’t noticed but there was no smooth way to extract my hand. I eventually had to ask her to turn around, which given that this was a first date was a really odd thing to do. I proceeded to use my other hand to yank my hand out of the cup holder, almost hitting her in the process. I was so awkward about it I just told her what happened, and she laughed hysterically at me.
We actually dated for a while. At one point during the relationship we were joking about the first date while waiting for another movie to start. And yes, in the course of pantomiming the story, I got my hand stuck in the cup holder again. I don’t reach in movie theater cupholders anymore.
38. Skull Over Heels in Love
I got way too drunk, slipped and cracked my head open on his sink. I had no idea how bad I was hurt until I walked back into the party and everyone giggled at me in shock because I was covered in blood from where my eyebrow piercing had been ripped out. THEN he called his dad over to come stitch me up, his dad being a doctor.
So that was a nice first meeting of my new boyfriend’s parent. I remember thinking “This guy is never going to ask me out again,” but he did. We dated for 4 years. 20-plus years later, we’re still friends. So, I guess it worked out ok in the end.
39. When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go. Hard.
20-year-old me went out to dinner to meet her family for the first time. Got dressed up in nice khakis and a sweater. In the middle I farted but ended up pooping my pants with liquid death. There was no hiding the smell, as well as the HUGE FREAKING STAIN ON MY PANTS. It was awkward for all those involved.
40. Love Slap
I took a girl who I really liked on a first date to the movies. The movies were probably a bad choice because I couldn’t take my eyes off her. During the movie, I noticed she had a piece of hair hanging down in front of her face. Me, being the gentlemen that I am, saw this as an opportunity to be cute and go in for the kiss.
Screw me, was I ever wrong…I thought to myself, “I’ll reach over and move her hair out of her face which will then lead into the kiss and it’ll be cute.” So, I lean in and reach over to move the hair from her face and make my ‘smooth move’….and as my hand got to within 6 inches of the target zone she comes out of absolutely nowhere, reaches up, and moves the freaking hair herself!!
Damn…So at this point, I’m 90% committed, hand located somewhere in front of her face, with no clear objective, and not to mention, obviously blocking her view of the movie. I immediately become nervous and I’m having second thoughts about my decision, but I’m a committed and confident guy who doesn’t back down from a challenge.
But at that moment, all logic froze, and my cute plan dissolved. There was no purpose for my hand anymore, yet it was still on a collision course with her face and for some reason, I couldn’t stop it. I reached over and wiped her forehead, taking whatever makeup that was there with me. Leaving her with an obvious stripe on her forehead that was most noticeable during the brighter scenes, lighting up the movie theatre.
She looked at me horrified. She didn’t even have it in her to ask me what the heck I was thinking because she was so shocked. My entire world turned to flames and the room got considerably hotter. And I didn’t get my cute first kiss. In fact, I got a deleted number…
41. Musical Urinals
We went to a movie. During the movie, she got up to go to the bathroom. After she left, I thought I could run to the bathroom myself, and be back before her (for some reason, I thought it would be rude to leave her alone). When I came back to our seats, she was already there but I didn’t give it much thought.
I hung out at her place for a bit afterward, gave her a kiss goodnight, and went home thinking that I just had a pretty nice date. A week later, after she wouldn’t return any of my calls, I asked our mutual friend who introduced us what the deal was. Turns out that when I went to the bathroom, I accidentally walked into the women’s room.
I peed in the stall next to her, and she recognized the boots I was wearing. She was totally freaked out. When I finally got a hold of her and tried to explain myself, she told me she was moving to Turkey to get back together with her ex-boyfriend.
42. My Fight in Shining Armor
Malicious compliance. First date with a dude. I told him I had a 3-hour window to hang out. He proceeded to suggest a coffee shop, but upon arrival told me he hated coffee and the atmosphere of coffee shops. Cool. So, I suggested an art museum or bowling. He said he brought no money because he doesn’t pay for dates on principle.
I offer to pay but he won’t have that either. So, I suggest a walk around a nearby lake. We have the most one-sided conversation of me asking questions and him giving one-word answers. When we got back to our cars (an hour later) I told him he didn’t really seem like he was into me and suggested we cut the “date” short.
The dude BLEW UP. “You said you had 3 hours and it’s only been an hour, you liar! You have 2 more hours! Our date is supposed to last 2 more hours.” Fine dude. It’s a beautiful day and if you want to do two more laps around the lake then by all means. I talked about any little tidbit that entered my brain, like the chick from HIMYM.
“Do you think when a porcupine walks through the woods his quills act like giant whiskers and he’s just constantly getting poked anytime he bumps into something? I ate a kiwi whole once and my mouth felt really fuzzy after, actually I ate a random leaf one time and my whole tongue swelled up let me tell you about that…”. I never heard from him again.