The Moment I Realized I Was Dating An Idiot

May 22, 2023 | Allison Robertson

The Moment I Realized I Was Dating An Idiot

It may take a while to realize, but at some point, when it happens, you just have to admit it: You’re definitely dating an idiot. Here are 50 truly astonishing stories of when Reddit users finally realized their dates were dumber than a bag of rocks.

1. She Was On The Wrong Continent

My partner and I live in central Alabama. She told me that her and her best friend were going to Birmingham for the weekend. I didn't think anything of it—there’s lots of shopping and things to do in Birmingham. She came back over Sunday night to tell me how disappointed she was in the trip. When she told me why, I lost it.

They had driven through all of the wealthier neighborhoods in Birmingham, Alabama for two days trying to find a house that matched the gates to Ozzy Osborne's house and never found it. He lives in Birmingham, England.

Dating An IdiotPexels

2.  Obviously Those Are Free

My girlfriend walked into a computer lab on school campus and simply picked up a computer and walked home with it. She was living with me at the time, so I got home to find a very familiar-looking computer sitting on the kitchen table.

She literally thought the computers were free for students. It took a bit of explaining to convince her that she took the computer without permission. I made her return the computer to the lab that night. But the stupidity isn't finished. She just left it at the doorstep because she didn’t want anyone to know that it was her who took it.

I try not to hold it against her—but it makes me wonder what else she thinks is free.

Dating An IdiotPexels

3. H2O No

I realized I was dating a complete moron when he told me that he believed you absorb a gallon of water when you shower. So, he believed he didn’t have to actually drink any water. I thought it was a joke—but when he told someone else the same thing, I realized he truly believed it.

If only it was true!

Dating An IdiotPexels

4. You Mean It Doesn’t Just Reset?

My partner didn’t understand that you actually have to pay what you spend on credit cards. She thought the credit amount she had was supposed to be her monthly limit that would just magically reset each month.

I realize she was likely not taught anything about credit, but I still took this as a sign that she had a few loose screws.

Dating An IdiotPexels

5. Sorry, That’s Not His Department

During my first week in tech support, a super cute medical doctor told me that they didn't need to connect to the internet because they “downloaded the internet last month".

I was literally speechless. My team and I had to convince him that the internet had changed and that's why he had to reconnect.

I wasn’t dating him, but I wanted to. Well, until that moment.

Dating An IdiotPexels

6.  Dumb and Dangerous

I didn’t realize my girlfriend was an idiot at first. Every time I went to her house, there were small, brown melted "V" shapes in the carpet. I always wondered what they were, but didn’t think too hard about it. I wasn't prepared for the answer.

One day, I went over and saw her hair straightener lying on the carpet. Apparently, she left it on ALL THE TIME, and would just go to work. How has she not burned her apartment complex down yet?

This is dumb, yes, but also seriously disturbing.

Dating An IdiotPixabay

7. This Doesn’t Even Make Sense

I knew my guy was a few clowns short of a circus when a bunch of kids egged his car one night and he thought the best way to get the egg off was to scrub it off using steel wool. The raw egg was baked onto his car—but come on, really? Steel wool?

It only made things so much worse as it scratched the heck out of it. But he couldn’t comprehend why.

Dating An IdiotShutterstock

8. Baby Roulette

I noticed my partner was missing some brain cells when I saw her choosing randomly from a "21 active + 7 placebo" contraceptive, instead of following the arrows on the package and taking them in the correct order. So, some days she was taking the placebo, and some days she was taking the actual contraceptive.

Do they not explain this stuff before they give it to people? I feel like this is extremely important information.

Dating An IdiotPexels

9.  Aliens Are Real

My partner at the time didn’t want to watch the original Avatar movie—with blue people—until her uncle told her that it was based on a true story. I asked her if she meant that it was a futuristic version of Pocahontas, maybe, but no, she thought that it was somehow based on a true story. I was so confused, but it only got worse.

She got defensive and asked if I was calling her uncle a liar. Follow-up questions, like asking if she really thought we waged combat against an alien society, went equally poorly.

It was a conversation I just couldn’t win. And I don’t think I wanted to. The more we talked the more painful it got.

Dating An IdiotPexels

10. How Do We Get Out?

I once dated a girl who legitimately thought we lived inside the Earth.

We were talking about SpaceX back when they were just starting to get more public attention. I mentioned something about how it was cool we’ll be alive to potentially see humanity reach for the stars. Her response was something along the lines of “Yeah, but how do they get to space”? Confused, I said, “With the rockets, like in the video”. She replied with something like, “Yeah, but don’t we have to get outside of the Earth first”?

I just stared at her for a second. Dumbfounded, I asked for further clarification. She goes on to say, in a tone that suggests I am the idiot here, “We live inside the Earth, so how do we get out so we can reach space”?

I then inform her “We live on the outside of the Earth. That’s why you see open sky and stars, and the sun, and not more earth above you”.

She then laughs and states “If we lived on the outside of the Earth, wouldn’t we just fall off”? Still, as if I’m the idiot. My jaw dropped.

I responded with a simple “Gravity? The atmosphere”? to which she says: “Oh yeah, that! Whatever, how was I supposed to know”? I asked if this was a joke. It wasn’t a joke. She thought we lived in the Earth up until that moment.

She told me to never tell anyone about this. But this isn’t something I can keep to myself.

Dating An IdiotPexels

11. That’s Why They Call It A Pyramid

I realized my girlfriend wasn’t the brightest bulb in the pack after her third "business opportunity" turned out to be yet another pyramid scheme.

We didn't date long but we knew each other for a while before we got together. I liked her for her work-hard-get-paid attitude. It turns out, the hard work she was doing was costing her way more than she ever made, and she didn't realize it. She just continued to pay out money and get nothing in return. When it didn’t go well, she just started a new one.

Sadly, this happens to a lot of people. But it happened to her over, and over, and over again. And she could never admit that it was the way of direct sales.

Dating An IdiotPexels

12. Mind = Blown

One night, the guy I was dating turned to me and said "You're a bit of a scientist”—I was taking biology in high school and he was in college for music— “Can you explain how I can take frozen yogurt from the freezer, put it in the fridge, and it melts"?

I, already concerned, replied: "Well the fridge is warmer. It's not cold enough to keep it frozen". He then asked: "But it's still cold, no"? I had to explain that there are different levels of cold. Somewhere along the way, I said: "Cold is the absence of heat, like darkness is the absence of light", and he was completely mind blown by that.

I was also mind-blown…that someone could seriously be that uneducated.

Dating An IdiotPexels

13. This One Comes With Crumpet Storage

The girl I was seeing was a special kind of stupid. She called me at work because her crumpets didn’t fit in the crumpet tray under the toaster. Wait, what crumpet tray? I couldn’t figure out how to help her when I had no idea what she was talking about.

I had a look when I got home. As soon as I saw what she was talking about, I burst into laughter. It turns out, the bottom of the toaster had a part that was clearly labeled "CRUMB TRAY".

Was she dumb, or did she lack reading skills? Either way, the whole crumpet storage situation escalated more than it ever should have.

Dating An IdiotShutterstock

14. Heads up!

I discovered that my girlfriend was a bit of an idiot when I asked her to hand me a kitchen blade and she threw it at me! And that’s not even the worst part.

When I tried to explain the basics of handing someone a blade, or a pair of scissors, she refused to accept that what she did was wrong or unsafe. She literally cut me in the process, but saw nothing wrong with her actions.

It suddenly became apparent that she couldn’t possibly ever admit to being wrong. Not to mention, I was terrified to ask her to pass me anything after that!

Dating An IdiotUnsplash, Dev Asangbam

15. Sonic Can Do It, And He’s A Hedgehog!

Sometimes you don’t learn things about people until much later in the relationship. For example, my ex-boyfriend was scared of hedgehogs and convinced himself that they could jump over a six-foot fence like a cat. It was a serious fear for him, as if there were hedgehogs lurking around every corner, waiting to jump over fences.

I thought he was joking when he told me—you know, a Sonic the Hedgehog reference maybe—but he definitely was serious. I couldn’t hold in my laughter. I also couldn’t date him for much longer after that.

Dating An IdiotPexels

16. Deal Breaker, Right Here

My partner worked for a specialty cookie shop at the mall. A place where you’d get those dinner plate-sized cookies with "get well soon" or whatever written in frosting.

She texted me a picture from work, proudly showing me a cookie that she had decorated for a customer. She was legitimately excited to show me her creation. I had not seen any of her masterpieces prior to this. I wasn't prepared for what she was about to show me.

Not only did the artwork look like a three-year-old's finger painting, but it said "CONRADULATINS"—which, aside from the obviously bad spelling, she had clearly not even planned out the spacing in her head first—so, it said: "CONRADU" across the whole cookie, and then, in tiny letters up the side, "latins". She thought it came out pretty well.

She was about 30 years old at the time.

I'll be honest, I broke things off shortly afterward because of that cookie.

Dating An IdiotPexels

17. It’s Their Job, Duh!

An ex of mine thought that commercials were recorded live, and the people on TV were employed to do them over and over again. That’s when I knew she was dumb as a doorknob.

Dating An IdiotPexels

18. Dumb Move

My partner was struggling with money and being able to save. I came home one day and she had a new $40,000 car in the driveway. She purchased it without even discussing it with me. She essentially sentenced herself to having no savings for the next five years when we were trying to save to buy a house together.

It was then that I realized she wasn’t very smart when it came to finances—a huge red flag for me.

Dating An IdiotPexels

19.  It’s Science

I knew my guy was an idiot when he told me the reason that I got sick with the flu was because I did not wear a bra under my shirt. It was the first time I was actually speechless. He then proceeded to explain that the chest area is an incredibly delicate part of women’s bodies, and thus, by leaving it exposed like that I was risking any type of disease. It’s in the science. Just like if he did not wear pants.

I couldn’t live with myself if I stayed with him. Imagine how dumb our kids would be.

Dating An IdiotPexels

20.  No Words For This One

My girlfriend at the time—who was in her early twenties—asked me “Where does the sun go at night”? I was dumbfounded.

Dating An IdiotPexels

21. It’s Just His Thing, Okay?

The fool I was dating would bang on my dashboard and scream the name of a certain restaurant whenever I drove past it. After almost getting into a wreck twice, I asked him why he was trying to kill us. He said he did it because: "It was his thing".

I had enough of that. He never rode in my car again. It was embarrassing, to say the least!

Dating An IdiotFreepik, user18526052

22. Fire Breathing Dinosaurs

I knew my guy was a bit dense when we were talking about dinosaurs and he was shocked to hear they were once real. Then he proceeded to ask me if they really breathed fire. He seriously thought dinosaurs and dragons were the same thing.

It makes me wonder what they teach in school these days. I hope we are preparing the next generation a little better.

Dating An IdiotPexels

23.  She Had A Lack Of Budgeting Skills

I knew she wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed when I overheard her complaining that I was too worried about money after she financed a $30,000 car with an insane interest rate, while making $15 per hour. Clearly, no one taught her about money.

I can tell you one thing; I wasn’t about to be on the hook for those payments. That relationship didn’t last much longer after that.

Dating An IdiotPexels

24. He Skipped Geography Class

My boyfriend was definitely not very smart—he could not find our country on a map of Europe. The countries were written in big bold letters, and the capitals too. I worried that maybe he couldn’t read, but that wasn’t it. He simply had no idea what he was looking at.

Does anyone pay attention in school anymore?

Dating An IdiotPexels

25. He Gets Points For Effort

The guy I was seeing was sweet, but a total dud. He said he’d make pancakes. When I saw how he "cooked," my jaw hit the floor. He literally put the dry powder directly in the hot pan. He clearly had no idea what he was doing, but tried to act like he did.

It was pre-mixed pancake powder, by the way.

Dating An IdiotPexels

26. That’s What Calculators Are For

I knew my ex-wife wasn’t very bright when she and I were talking about money and it didn't seem like she knew how to make change. I asked her how many quarters she thought were in a dollar and she shrugged.

I truly worry about how some people get by in life.

Dating An IdiotPexels

27. Get On Her Level

My partner was an idiot, and he knew it too. We were having an argument once, although I can’t remember what about, when I very calmly asked him to explain what made him think that, and he said “I hate arguing with you because you always make me realize I’m wrong”!

We couldn’t make things work after that. Not only did I get sick of correcting him all the time, he also hated it. I needed someone on my level.

Dating An IdiotPexels

28. Insert Facepalm Here

I knew my girlfriend wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box when we got our dog neutered, and she asked why his member was still there.

Dating An IdiotPexels

29. Stupidly Beautiful And Stupidly Stupid

I briefly dated a stupidly beautiful Thai guy. He was a very chill, loving, sincere Buddhist. It’s been years and I’m not super clear on what he meant, but he was going on saying something about generating good karma by doing good deeds. So that’s cool. I approve. Then he tells me he went to the Asian market and bought a cooler full of live fish and released them into a large local lake here in North Carolina.

It was species of non-native fish and frogs, potentially carrying pathogens.

I actually cried out when he told me.

He was baffled that I should be upset and basically said that I was unkind and didn’t know what I was talking about, that fish are fish and it was a good thing. He said he’s done it several times before. I tried to explain about invasive species, bacteria, viruses, food chains, etc., but he never could grasp it. I still wonder if he introduced something terrible. He was stupidly beautiful and stupidly stupid.

Dating An IdiotPexels

30. No Pudding Until You’ve Had Your Granola!

My girl was dumber than a hammer on more than one occasion. First, she didn't know that yogurt and pudding were not the same thing. She thought it was like how the British call fries "chips". She had been eating pudding and granola for breakfast for months and congratulating herself for being so healthy.

Then, she baked baby Jesus a birthday cake on Christmas, lit a candle, and took it outside. When the wind blew the candle out, she was convinced that it was Jesus who blew it out.

Dating An IdiotFreepik, Racool_studio

31. Following Instructions

My wife would bring stuff home that said “refrigerate after opening”, open it, and put it in the refrigerator. Eventually, I asked her what she was doing. Once she realized, she laughed harder than I did. She had been doing that her whole life.

Clearly, she would be out of her depth in a mud puddle.

Dating An IdiotPexels

32. Shh, Don’t Tell The Government

The woman I was seeing refused to pay taxes, have a bank account, or pay for public transit. She told me she changes her name every few years so that they can’t find her.

The funny part is, she’d go to the government and change her name, legally, so that the government “couldn't find her”.

No matter how many times I said that back to her, she never once clued in. We broke up for other reasons, but her stupidity was the first red flag.

Dating An IdiotPexels

33. You’re Saying That Wrong

My ex-girlfriend kept stating the big revelation of her story with “lord and behold”, instead of “lo and behold”. I told her she was using the wrong word, but she said I was the idiot because “you behold the lord”. She continued to make herself look like an idiot every time she spoke to people.

Anyway, lord and behold, she slept with five other dudes. So, we’re on a more than temporary break.

I think a dodged a bullet here, though.

Dating An IdiotPexels

34. The Intrusive Thoughts Won That Day

I’m unsure if she was just an idiot, or possibly unwell, but the girl I was seeing asked me: “Have you ever had your hair set on fire"? and then she actually lit my hair on fire!

I was seriously concerned for both of us after that. Her belt didn’t go through all of the loops, if you know what I mean.

Dating An IdiotShutterstock

35. Spaghetti Sprouts

My ex was an absolute walnut. She asked me where they grew spaghetti.

After processing her question, I had to take a minute and decide if I wanted to mess with her further, or let her know how misinformed she actually was.

Dating An IdiotPexels

36. Book Smarts, Or Common Sense—You Can’t Have Both

He’s a Catholic, so I asked him where he thought heaven was. I’m also Catholic.

He said there was the sky, then heaven, and then space. I asked him if NASA went through heaven on their way to space and he said, “Probably”.

That’s not all.

He also thought that if you were pregnant, you still had to use contraception, or you could get pregnant again, and again, and again.

For example, you fall pregnant in February, and then again in March, and again in May, and you just deliver them nine months from conception.

He’s an attorney with a 3.6 GPA Master’s Degree in Law. He is bilingual, and practicing law in Ireland. He is somewhat academically smart but otherwise, questionable.

Dating An IdiotPexels

37. Hi. It’s Me. I’m The Idiot.

I’m going to throw myself under the bus here because I think it’s funny. I used to think car horns only had so much air to use so you had to use your horn sparingly and only when you really needed it or it would run out. I feel like someone had to have told me this while growing up.

Thankfully, I know better now!

Dating An IdiotPexels

38.  If It Looks Like A Cow…

My girlfriend was out for a run one day and when she came back, she said an animal charged at her, so she cut her run short. I asked her what it looked like, and she said, "like a cow, but brown".

It was a cow.

I had to give her a quick lesson on farm animals after that.

Dating An IdiotPexels

39. This Is Going To Take A While

I realized that my date was a few drinks short of a six-pack when I had to explain that you spray mosquito repellent on YOURSELF, not in the air at the mosquitos. I had to reiterate to her three times that it was not like wasp spray, and she was wasting it.

She continued to complain how long it was going to take to spray all of the mosquitoes.

Dating An IdiotPexels

40. Where Does Denim Come From?

My ex-boyfriend saw a very large lady wearing double denim, then turned to me and said "wow, how many cows lost their lives for her outfit"! At first, I laughed and then realized he wasn't really joking. After probing further, I realized that he genuinely believed that denim came from cows.

It was the beginning of the end really.

Dating An IdiotFreepik, lookstudio

41. The Wrong Lord

I told my date that I was excited to see a movie coming out soon, Lord of the Rings. She told me that it was her favorite book. How likely is it to find a gorgeous woman who is into books?

We went to the theater. You know how the movie begins? Telling the story about the rings and all. Sometime around Rivendell she turns to me and asks when the kids get to the island. She asked me when does the plane crash.

She sat through around an hour of Gandalf, Gollum, and Hobbits before asking when does Lord of the Rings become Lord of the Flies.

Unfortunately, I’m really into this kind of stuff and her mistake just didn’t sit well with me. I misread her entirely—and was greatly annoying during the entire movie.

Dating An IdiotPexels

42. What School Did You Say You Went To?

The girl I started seeing said she loved nothing in the world more than Greek mythology. She even had a Bachelor’s Degree related to Greek mythology from the University of Arkansas. But then she had no idea who Prometheus and Achilles were.

It makes you wonder if they just hand out these degrees to anyone.

Dating An IdiotPexels

43. Waving Trees

I knew my girlfriend was a few peas short of a casserole when she told me that the wind comes from trees. You know, because they wave around, and that pushes the air around, making wind.

No, she was not joking.

I realized then how uneducated she was and I just couldn’t look at her the same way again after that.

Dating An IdiotFlickr, Jay

44. Wrong, And Wrong Again

I had just started dating a new guy. I was a vegetarian, and at one point he asked if I ate fish. I assumed he forgot that I was a vegetarian, so I reminded him that I do not eat animals. He then replied, "a fish isn't an animal, it's a mammal". At this point, I didn't even know what to say, so I just walked out of the room.

That guy wouldn’t be able to think his way out of a paper bag!

Dating An IdiotPexels

45. That’s Not How It Works

I was dating someone who fit the pretty-but-dumb stereotype. She wasn't on birth control—we were using another form of protection, though. We doubled up, and chose the pull-out method as well. I had no problem with that.

So, I was finishing and asked if I could do so on her chest. She said yes. So, I did and some of it also dripped on her upper stomach.

She immediately freaked out that she might get pregnant from that. She was like "My uterus is right there". It took me 20 minutes to convince her that my sauce can't burrow through her skin and get in that way. She kept asking "are you sure? Are you sure"?

This was a 30-year-old woman. She truly believed she could get pregnant by absorbing it through her skin.

Oh and no, she didn't get pregnant. At least not in the time I knew her.

Dating An IdiotPexels

46. Saved The Best For Last

I knew my partner was a complete idiot the moment I learned that they preheat the microwave before they use it.

Dating An IdiotPexels

47. He Wasn’t Just Dumb, He Was Mean Too

My boyfriend took me out to my favorite restaurant, a chic little upscale cafe, for dinner on Valentine's Day and then made fun of the way I pronounced “filet”. He tried to get the waiter on his side, saying "Can you believe this? Hahaha! She wants the 'fill-ayyyy"! Then he leaned upwards conspiratorially and said, "She means the 'fillit,' obviously. Hahaha"!

Then he wouldn't shut up about it. I was like, "It's French, the -et sound is pronounced -ay" but he wasn't having it. He kept going on and on about how stupid I must be until he dropped me off at home. I told him we were done the next day. That was too much for me.

It’s one thing to be genuinely uninformed, but to make fun of someone while you’re in the wrong is just plain rude.

Dating An IdiotPexels

48. Gas Leak Roulette

I knew my partner was a reckless idiot one night when I said that I thought I smelled gas, and they grabbed a lighter and struck it without hesitation. If it was actually a gas leak, we would have been gone in seconds.

It’s like the lights were on in their head, but no one was home.

Dating An IdiotPexels

49. Moving In And Moving Out

I didn’t realize just how dumb my boyfriend was until we were moving. We were getting a rental truck and the employee was explaining the importance of the height of the truck and what clearance was needed. My boyfriend nodded in agreement.

Then, half an hour later, my boyfriend drove it into the parking garage at our apartment complex and ran it into a low beam, smashing the top of the truck. He claimed he hadn't been warned about low clearances and said that I was making up/imagining the entire prior conversation.

It gets worse.

He then drove said moving truck at 80 mph on a speed-trapped highway. He was caught speeding and the trooper ticketed him.

The trooper said he wasn't going to ticket me because I really had no choice but to try to keep up with that idiot. I was thankful, but super embarrassed of my boyfriend’s actions.

After we finished moving, I moved out.

Dating An IdiotPexels

50. Directionally Challenged

I didn’t actually date an idiot, but I attempted to. I matched with a girl on the dating app, Tinder. After minimal small talk we set up an afternoon date at a small pub in the city that had just opened. She told me that she didn’t know where that was so I sent her the address, and gave her explicit directions telling her that it was on Such-and-such Street, in between This Street and That Street. One of those streets was one of the most popular ways around the city. Apparently, she had lived in the city for years so there is no way she didn’t know where she was.

She kind of said “whatever”, and I thought that was kind of weird. I had even remarked to a friend that this person might be pretty stupid but who knows.

Anyway, the day of the date comes and she has an appointment before the date that ends up running late. No big deal. I tell her I’ll meet her at the bar when she is done and that I’ll just be there watching the Blue Jays game while I wait.

Almost an hour goes by and she finally messages that she is on her way. I remind her the bar address and she said again that she doesn’t know where that is. So, I send her a map pin even. Her appointment was maybe six minutes distance away, but a whopping 20 minutes later I get a phone call saying she doesn’t know where she is going.

I asked her where she was, she was only two or three blocks away so I tell her to turn North. She awkwardly asks, “what”—Not as in which way is North, but more of a what is North—I honestly am not sure she had ever heard the word before.

At this point I was less than impressed and couldn’t give a hoot if she showed up. So, I just repeated myself, “north, go north”!

She stammered for a second and then said she was going home.

And that’s when I successfully failed to date an idiot.

Dating An IdiotPexels

Sources: ,

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