No one ever wants to get "caught in the act"—no matter what the act is in question. From illicit affairs to humiliating activities that no one was supposed to see, there are few experiences more awful than getting caught doing something you're not supposed to be doing. These stories are proof that when it happens, it can range from utterly hilarious to absolutely devastating. Prepare to cringe or maybe even cry as you scroll through these real-life stories about getting caught in the act.
1. Google Knows Everything
I signed into my girlfriend's Google Account to check her emails. She had forgotten her password and had asked me to reset it. I happened to click over to Google Maps, where I checked her history, only to make an utterly disturbing discovery. Her most recent visits had been to my best friend's house while I was away for work.
+1 for Google Maps.
2. Light It Up
I got caught by my dad with a cigarette the same year he lost his mother to lung cancer. Think I was 18. We were camping, and he was coming to the island's big fire where all the people out in the dock have beers for the night. He was bringing me one. He didn't say a word about it.
3. The Door Only Opens One Way, Apparently
I came home early from work and walked in on it. Yep, that's about as cliché as it gets, but there you go. Funny thing is, I had wanted an open relationship, but he said that he couldn't deal with that. Turns out he was just selfish.
4. Leaping Lizards!
I spent three weeks in Florida for work. Stepped out of the hotel one morning to see a bunch of tiny lizards scrambling all up and down one of the columns in front of the building. One of them stopped at eye level and looked at me, so without thinking, I said, "Well, hello! What are you?" Turns out there was a guy on the other side of the column.
He couldn't keep the laugh to himself.
5. Get Your Head in the Game
We went out to lunch, and my girlfriend wasn’t even able to hold a conversation. I had to repeat myself multiple times because she was so enticed in whatever hilarious thing she was reading. I asked her what was so funny and she just kept saying nothing. As I was on my way to dropping her off at her place, her phone, sitting in the cupholder, started ringing.
The number wasn’t registered in her contacts. I went to answer it expecting a telemarketer or someone who simply had the wrong number with the intent of messing with them to have some fun. I went to grab the phone. She has never had a problem with me answering calls like that before, she even found it entertaining. Anyways she freaking attacked me, started screaming at me, and ripped the phone from my hand.
We didn’t speak for the rest of the ride, needless to say, it was obvious what was going on. Shame. Turns out it was my only friend at the time. Lost two people I thought I could trust that day.
6. Anatomy Academy
I was watching Police Academy when I was about eight. There is a scene at a beach party where there are a few naked breasts on show. My mum walks in to catch me licking the TV screen where the bare breasts were.
7. Can't Put a Colored Filter Over Betrayal
I caught my girlfriend cheating when I saw an Instagram picture of her kissing another guy. She obviously didn't really think that one through.
8. Jabba the Hutt Would Be Proud
When I was like 10 or 12 years old, I was in my room after just having taken a shower, when for some reason I got the weird idea to use my belt and a couple of towels to make the Princess Leia slave outfit bottom (by the way, I'm a boy). As I stood there wearing it (the front flap slightly raised since I had been thinking about Princess Leia) my mom walked right on in.
For what seemed like an eternity I saw her confused face trying to figure out what was happening, and just as she was about to ask about it, I jumped across the room and slammed the door in her face. With my face bright red, I hurriedly threw on my clothes and went downstairs as if nothing had happened. My mom tried to bring it up once, but I feigned ignorance.
Not another word has been spoken of it since.
9. A Little Too Enthusiastic
I was smiling at my cell phone too much. She caught on.
10. Too Tied Up
Nothing too crazy, but I was playing around with a dog's choke chain and managed to get my wrists and ankles so wrapped up in it I couldn't get it untangled. I had to yell downstairs for my mom and she had to borrow our neighbors’ bolt cutters...
11. Signed With Disregard
He told me to clean his car out and I did, but there were letters from the other woman in his car. He wasn't bright. Of course, I wasn't either. It took a few years to finally get rid of him and keep it that way.
12. Orange You Gonna Say “Woof”?
I wanted to try to drink like a dog. I put a bowl on the floor and filled it with Fanta. My dad walked into my room where I was kneeling on the floor with my tongue in the bowl. He has never mentioned it since.
13. A Conversation Waiting to Be Discovered
I picked up his phone to change the channel on Chromecast. It unlocked and opened the Messenger app where he was making plans with my roommate to hook up while I was at work the next day.
14. Background Noise
When I was 16-17 my first serious girlfriend and I used to hook up, like for hours, in my bedroom across from my mom and sister. It was only like four feet from our door to theirs. I thought we were so slick, but later, I learned the disgusting truth. Years afterward, they told me, "Yeah duh, of course, we knew... we heard you like every night for a year."
I have no idea why they put up with it the whole time.
15. Allow No Substitutes
I was home recovering from 2 major back surgeries. One afternoon, while taking a nap with our daughter, I got up and walked in the office to see what he was doing. He minimized his browser and jumped, so I knew something was up. I reopened his browser, and it was websites for cheating spouses. His excuse: well, we weren't having intimate relations, so I needed to get it somewhere.
16. Let’s Wipe the Slate Clean
In basic training, we got back to our bunks late. I was all exhausted and my body felt broken. Instead of taking a shower I decided to clean myself with baby wipes. Usually, nobody is paying attention to you because they all have their own things to do, but someone watched me wipe my groin area, under my pants and then proceed to stuff it in a drawer in my bed because I was too tired to get up and throw it away.
The person watching me said, "Are you saving that for later or something?"
17. Definitely Getting the Message Across
My ex's friend took a Snapchat of my ex (while she was still my girlfriend) hooking up with a dude at a party and sent it to me.
18. How About a Whole PACK of Condoms!
I brought a girl home when I was 16. She spent the night and the next day my dad walked in as we were sleeping, introduced himself, took me to the kitchen and handed me a box of Trojans. The economy family value-sized box. In front of my entire family. Upside down. open. And he had separated each of the 150 condoms from the roll. Cue me scooping armloads of condoms into this freaking box while everyone is watching.
19. Does This Count as Urgent?
My boyfriend gave my number to his side-chick in case of emergency, and she “accidentally” called me instead of him.
20. Dental Hygiene is a Matter of Black and White
When I bought my first pair of night-vision goggles, I had them delivered to the TV station I worked at, not trusting my neighbors to leave my stuff alone. So, I took a break and tried them out in the only truly dark room I could find. The men’s room. A coworker came in, flicked on the lights, and was startled to find me in the middle of the room, blinded by the sudden flash of normal light, brushing my teeth in the pitch dark with night vision goggles.
I had to go talk to HR about it. He was freaked out.
21. You Don’t Say?
My boyfriend was basically living with me because we just had a baby, but he hadn’t been home for a couple of days. His best friend informed my best friend that he had no idea we were even together. Why? Because he has been with this other girl for the past couple of nights on his friend’s couch.
22. Smooth as a Baby’s Bottom
When I was going through puberty, I started getting a lot of hair on my butt, which I hated. So, I started shaving my butt. One time, my older brother decided to try and throw a cup of freezing cold water on me in the shower. He rips open the curtain to me slightly bent over, with shaving cream on my butt and a razor in my hand.
He stops for a second, throws the cup anyway then proceeds to laugh uncontrollably and tell everyone in the house what he caught me doing.
23. Love or List It
I came home from working a double shift and found the toilet seat up. Either my wife didn't take a piss for 20 hours straight or there had been another man in my house. Suspected it was her "gay" friend from work. I also knew that said friend was trying to sell his house, so I called the real estate agent and asked to see his place.
Right inside the front door, I recognized one of her jackets hanging in the mud room. Proceeded to the living room and bam...right on the freaking mantel was a picture of my wife and this guy. We divorced shortly after. She ended up marrying this guy...then cheated on him...and now they are divorced. Didn't feel bad for him at all.
24. The Language of Puppy Love
As a pet sitter, sometimes you get lonely when the majority of your interactions are with animals. So, to combat this I sometimes pretend to be the inner voice of whatever dog I'm walking, responding out loud to whatever they're sniffing or whatever grabs their attention. Each dog has his/her own individual weird voice as well.
More than once, people have walked around a corner to hear me doing this.
25. Getting a Raise
It was the night of her company's Christmas party. I had to stay home and babysit our five-year-old son (Grandma was supposed to, but she fell and was in the hospital with a broken hip.) I figured my wife would go and then come home early. Turns out, she was planning to stay the night at a hotel so "she could drink and not worry about driving."
I woke up about 3 am just knowing something was wrong (never happened before) and checked "Find My Phone" to see where she was. She was with her boss at his apartment. Pretty much sucked.
26. Too Young to Drive Like That
Oh man. So, I must have been about 12. I was in the car with my mom. To set the scene, it was a three-row soccer mom van, and I was in the second row behind the passenger seat with my mom driving. Well since I was 12, I got my random hormone boner. Strange and awkward enough right? Well, I decided that I would pretend I was driving and that my boner was the stick shift...mom caught me.
27. Momma’s Boy
I was laying in bed with my then-SO, who wanted to email me some pictures we had taken that day from his phone to me. The first email was sent a couple of hours prior, addressed to someone I didn't recognize. The subject said, "love never dies," and all the body said was, "I want you." I laid in bed completely stunned. I typed in the email address on his phone to see if it was a contact, and to my surprise, he had sent it to his mom’s best friend.
That was a long night...
28. Excuse Me for Being a Friend to Animals
I was in standstill traffic. My car had been turned off, and people were loitering outside of their cars. Well, I had a baby squirrel that I was hand-rearing in my car. I fed it some puppy milk formula from a bottle, looked up and realized I had an audience of about 20 people gawking at me.
My ex-fiancée had both an iPhone and a Macbook. If you know anything about iMessage, this means that he can send and receive texts from his laptop. I was using his laptop for homework (with his permission) while he was at work. He got a text message from his ex, who he talked with on a regular basis. I was uncomfortable with her since she was "the one that got away," but she was married, and he insisted he just thought of her as a good friend, and I chose to believe and trust my then-fiancée.
But the text she sent him that day seemed strange, just randomly saying, "Just textin’ to say I love you" or something like that, and it just popped up in the corner for me to read. I opened the messages. Found hours of sexting messages. Hours. He'd been sexting her that morning even, when I had slept next to him all night and we'd cuddled and kissed goodbye when he went to work. I wasn't home when he returned.
30. From ABCs to the Birds and the Bee
When I was around 10 years old, I was getting curious about human reproduction, so I decided to look it up in the dictionary. Wouldn’t you know it my ultra-conservative mother walks in the room, so I try to play it off like I was looking up the Haida Native American tribe. She called me out for being in the S-section, but I doubled down and pretended I was possibly dyslexic.
What a tangled web I wove.
31. More Than One Thing Is Going Viral
I had a guy cheat on me. He recorded it, then had the stupidity to save the video to MY computer. I found it one day by accident. In the moment, I took a screenshot and put it as the desktop background pic. He came in, went to use the computer, saw the background pic, looked at me, started collecting his stuff, and left. I honestly don't remember if we even spoke that day. I'm sure he didn't expect I'd find it. Oops.
32. Letting It Rip
In third grade, I went to the bathroom, and thinking I was alone, put my hands against the wall, leaned forward, and let out a long gigantic fart. Afterward, I let out a nice big sigh of relief and pleasure. I turn around that some other kids had come in as I was releasing that massive fart. I did not look them in the eyes as I left. It’s not the fart that was strange, no matter how long it may have been.
It's the hands against the wall, prepping my body to let it rip, and moaning "uuuuunnggghhh" afterward.
33. Triple Timer: CSI
Very long story made much shorter: My wife of 6 years at the time had begun acting distant, spending long periods of time on her phone and laptop, locking both, and simply never being without her phone, etc. I tried getting her to talk to me, but to no avail. She then returned home from a friend's wedding in Texas and seemed VERY distant.
After asking many more times what was wrong, trying to get an idea of what was going on and getting nowhere, I got frustrated. I used my tech experience to get her email passwords for both personal and work, and set up a text-messaging forwarding app (all in secret of course) so that I would receive basically everything in real time.
I also keylogged our home computer so clearing the history, cookies, cache, etc., would make no difference. It only took a few days to realize the scope of what was going on with her. I started off trying to "fix" what was wrong using her emails as a kind of guide for a point/counter-point type-thing, but it had minimal success.
Eventually, I got to the point that I finally realized that "fixing" wasn't an option. Over a period of a couple of months, I built a very strong case against her and her infidelity with at least three other men. In Illinois, when you have three children to consider, it pays to do your research and be prepared, no matter how much it hurts. As the "cheated on" partner, you're far more likely to come out ahead in the divorce if you can present a strong case.
34. When Two Halves Become a Whole Load of Lies
Our Dropboxes merged when I had logged on to mine on his computer, and I found a folder named "Specialist" full of naked photographs of all the women he had been sleeping with for the previous 8 years. Apparently, he needed access to them wherever he was. And was stupid enough to have the icons be a photo from inside the folder.
35. Nine Lives, Nine Strings
I was once caught by an ex-girlfriend playing her cat like a banjo...I had both Slushy’s front paws in my hand and was strumming on his tummy. The cat was purring so loud, it made her come in to see what was going on, it was a long awkward pause followed by "Are you playing my cat?"
36. Mission Less-Than-Plausible
My ex was in the Navy, and we dated for approximately 3 years, 1 of which we lived together. He had been deployed once during the first couple years of our relationship, so we mostly had a long-distance relationship until the last year we were together, when I moved in with him. After three months of living together, he tells me he is being deployed again.
I'm disappointed but I understand that's it's his duty, so I tell him I'll stay in the apartment and he can send me his half of rent, etc. because he didn't want to move all of his stuff out and lose the place. He said he was supposed to be gone for eight months (February through October) and will be home by the end of October.
Anyway, time passed, we called, Skyped, and I sent care packages until the beginning of September when he tells me he won’t be able to contact me until he is heading home. He says it's for some secret mission or something (I was 19 and very naive!). I don't hear from him again until Halloween night, telling me he will be home in 2 days.
I plan a party for him, inviting his mom & sister (his mom was born & raised in Haiti, and she speaks NO English.) Anyway, fast forward to party, I'm happy to see him and everyone's having a good time. My ex and his mom are speaking to each other in their native language (French Creole), and I can't understand what they're saying.
His sister says to him (in English) that he needs to go to his mom's house to help her clean out her gutters and change her air filter. He says back, "Oh it's okay, I did all that in September when I got home." I think he forgot he was speaking English. I am stunned and honestly, I just left. I wouldn't talk to him for two days.
When I finally picked up the phone, he confessed that he had been living with his mom the past 2 months so he could "see other people" without hurting my feelings. I moved out and never talked to him again.
37. Hold On to Your Purse
I was at the driveway at Wendy's and had exact change. As I was switching the money one hand to another, the quarter slipped in between my legs. I went to grab it but it slipped down further and the guy comes to the window as I have one hand full of cash and the other hand in between my legs trying to grab the quarter. He looked and me and said, "I'm not even going to ask."
I just said, "the quarter fell between my legs, I have exact change." I got it and handed it to him, pulled up to the next window to get my food and he had cautioned ahead about what he thought he saw me doing. So embarrassing.
38. A Not-So-Innocent Age
I was 14 and we were in eighth grade. She and I had been dating a while and we spent Valentine's Day together. I had saved my allowance and got her some flowers, chocolates, a bear, and a card. Her parents drove me home after spending the day together. I was home for about an hour, and I got a phone call from my sister.
She told me that my girlfriend was breaking up with me, but she didn't want to tell me herself, and not to call her. So of course, I called her. I was really upset, obviously. She told me, "Well I've been cheating on you for a month with Marcus (my best friend). I only waited until now because I knew you got me stuff for Valentine's Day." And the following Monday, they were just all over one another. I swore both of them off right then. But it got worse.
I found out two months later that she also was regularly hooking up with her older 17-year-old stepbrother every Tuesday. In 10th grade, I tried to reconcile with Marcus and put it behind us. I went over to his house and he asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I said sure. He presses play on whatever was in his VCR, and it was a homemade bedroom tape of him and her when we were all in eighth grade.
I just got up and left.
39. How to Lose a Guy in One Day
Found my wife's notebook. Written on the first page was a 10-step plan detailing how she was going to leave me for another guy. I turned it into one step.
40. A Meal Worth Marrying
I picked up a pizza, was super excited to eat it, so I put it in the passenger seat and said something along the lines of "I'm gonna take you home and eff you up!" hyping myself and the pizza up of course. I then saw that my window, and the window of the next car was open. A woman watched and heard me talk dirty to a pizza.
Another time I accidentally made eye contact with a woman while I was licking my lips after taking a sip of an Arizona tea, and she looked extremely offended by that. That was all in her head though, I'm still in denial.
41. Your Phone Won’t Be the Only Thing Broken
Girlfriend ran over her phone by accident and destroyed the screen. Asked me to back up all her stuff and transfer it to her new Pixel. Used a backup tool that captures all sorts of dirty messages and nudes with another guy.
42. Head Over Heels in Shame
I hopped out the shower one day and was inexplicably overcome with the desire to see if I could balance upside down on my head. I used to do it all the time growing up. Guess I wanted to know if I still had it. The thing is, this desire had to be sated immediately. Even before I threw on some clothes. So, I drop my towel, flip on top of my head and start balancing like the good old days.
Even held my arms out by my side to try it hands-free. Out of nowhere my mother and ex-girlfriend burst into my room without knocking and get a face full of me upside down, naked, in what can only be described as a reverse T-stance. They screamed, I laughed, and I think I clipped through the ground a bit due to the collision.
43. Love Birds Take Flight
I came back from a trip four hours early. My wife was supposed to be at work still. I opened the front door to see her sitting topless on the couch, making out with a coworker. He ran out the door; she ran into a bathroom and locked the door. I sat on that couch for about an hour because I couldn’t think what else to do. Finally, I just up and left so she could come out of the bathroom and put a shirt on.
44. That’s What I Call Smooth Steering
Driving my car through traffic. Have little trial sized hand lotion in my center console and my hands are dry-ish, so I dispense the recommended amount and start rubbing it in. Traffic moves and I have to steer, accidentally get some lotion on my steering wheel. Which is leather. Now the part I touched is shiny and the rest isn't.
Don't like the way that looks so I dispense more lotion and start working it into the leather. Now, this makes the rest of the leather bits look dull and pretty soon I am all in with this, lotioning whatever I can reach. Casually glance to my left, and there is a car full of people staring directly at me, eyes wide, as I thoroughly massage the interior of my vehicle like some sort of Buffalo Bill-esqe auto enthusiast.
45. Get Ready for Crash-Landing
I had just boarded a flight in London headed to Vegas. I was sitting next to my girlfriend, and she wanted to show me something she had planned for the trip, so she got out her phone. It opened to the Messages and showed a chat with a guy (I know him) saying how much she is gonna miss him and how she doesn't wanna go away with me anyway.
The doors close on the plane. That was a really freaking fun 10-11 hours...
46. That’s Just the Appetizer
Me, newlywed to my then-husband. I had to leave our apartment and move in with his somewhat disabled mother. Two weeks in, he and I are having intimate times in our bedroom. Specifically, he’s going downtown and eating at the Y. My mother-in-law knocks and immediately opens the door, saying "Dinner’s on the table!" Awkward pause.
Everyone freezes. She stands shock still, then huffs, and says "Well, I see you've already eaten," slams the door and goes away. We giggle, recoup, and go to eat. Most awkward meal of my life.
47. Hunting for Problems
Brother of mine caught his wife cheating. Her phone would always be going off and she would hide it. He got curious, looked into it, and found some guy had been texting her for a few months. She said she was going to stay home because she had to catch up on homework over the weekend. My brother and I went on our hunting trip and he told me about it.
We never left the city, we went to my house and stayed there till it got dark, then drove back to his neighborhood in my neighbor’s car. She sent him a picture of her at home saying she was going to go to bed early that night. Well, we snuck close to the house after a car parked down the street and a guy walked to the house and let himself in.
My brother was fuming at this point and wanted to beat the crap out of the guy. I settled him down and told him to think about the long run. We snuck up to the house and using the night vision camera got video of them bumping uglies in the living room. My brother wanted to confront this guy at this point so... I did something messed up and called the cops. I said I heard a lot of yelling from the house and asked if they could go check. It kept my brother from messing with the dude (a coworker of hers).
Cops show up, take statements. We leave and the next day he pulls her iMessages off the email account and talks to a lawyer. We give the lawyer the messages and when we show up five days later from our "hunting trip," he calls her and says he got something wild and wants her to come out and see it. I still can't believe what happened next.
When she comes out he gives her divorce papers and kicks her out of the house. She had the police do a civil stand by while she got her stuff a few days later. House was his before they got married so all she got to keep was some stuff they bought together and her car. No kids and the prenup nullified the alimony she could have gotten as he made way more money than her.
The guy she was sleeping with had a record. We saw her a few months later, she tried talking to my wife and said she missed my brother and she was sorry, the guy and her broke up shortly after the divorce.
48. If It’s Good Enough for Scooby, It’s Good Enough for Me
I had a coworker who looked a lot like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. I mentioned it to him once, and he said he gets that a lot. I got to talking to him about beef jerky, and how I had recently tried it for the first time. I explained that I wanted to try it because it’s probably the closest human equivalent to dog treats. I’m going on, saying, “Of course, I never will, but I’ve always been curious about eating dog treats...”
Just as I finish that sentence, the general manager walks by and catches the end of what I had just said. I preceded to laugh and walk away because I love when people walk-in on conversations at the most confusing possible moment.
49. Pregnant Disaster
I was pregnant with my oldest daughter and had extreme pain one day, so I came home early from work. When I get home I see two purses that I knew weren't mine sitting on the stand. I head to my room to see if my then-boyfriend could explain the purses; I'm hearing noises coming from our room. I opened the door to peek in and he is having a threesome. I close the door and just go back into the living room. I was shocked.
I was supposed to be on bedrest, but I was the only one who had a job, so I was going to school and working while he got to stay home all day. I was livid, but what was scary is that I was so furious that I remained calm. I went into the living room, sat on the couch and waited for them to come out; when they finally did I asked them if they had fun? I told them they needed to get out of my apartment.
He tried to talk to me, but I told him he needed to get out. I calmly packed off of his stuff up, had a friend come over because I couldn't do heavy lifting being 7 months pregnant and dropped his stuff off at his parents' house that night. It's still shocking to me that I remained so calm being that angry.
50. The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo’s Big Regret
It happened in childhood. I was 10 years old and after school, my older sister suggested that I get a dragon “tattoo” on my back. She drew it on with a marker, and we went about our day. Later, we got home and decided to scrub it off before our dad got home. But it wouldn’t come off. She’d accidentally grabbed a permanent marker.
We started scrubbing with an aggressive dish sponge, and at that moment my father came in and saw me kneeling on the floor while my sister vigorously rubbed my back, which was by that point beet red. My back ached so much then I couldn’t sleep on it for a week!
51. Holden Would Be Proud
My best friend lived in the family's old vacation trailer behind his house back in the 90s. I arrived with a 12-pack, opened the door, and there was my girlfriend. She was standing there without a stitch of clothing, and he was in his boxers. Later he told me "Nothing happened." JD Salinger had a term for that kind of guy, it was... PHONY.
52. Coming Out the Closet…As a Gamer
Maybe it's not humiliating, but I always get reminded of this. Me and my brother were so obsessed with Mortal Kombat 2 when it was first released. We heard of two characters that you could unlock (Smoke and NoobSaibot) and we were trying to unlock them for days, until I managed to find a guide that tells you how to unlock them.
However, when I found the guide, my father was already at home and we weren't allowed to play on the TV when dad is home. Instead, my brother, who's good at tinkering, brought my grandfather's black and white TV that was probably made in the 60s and tried to get our Sega to work on it—after 30 mins of tinkering it worked.
And we hid the TV inside the closet and started trying to unlock them, three minutes in, my father walks into the room and catches us. We get scolded for it. I'm 26 and my brother is 29, and when we're visiting parents my father from time to time enters our room and checks the closet "in case we're hiding a TV there" as a joke.
53. Moral of the Story
Caught my ex-fiancee on New Year’s. I posted pictures of us, exclaiming how I was excited to spend another year with her. Sadly enough, her other boyfriend saw the post I tagged her in. He was awfully upset as well. I still sympathize with him because I know how it feels. Don't cheat on your partner. It tears people up inside.
54. Well Played!
She was doing it right behind my back! One day I rolled the dice, opened the front door to get an Amazon package, and when I turned around, she was looking at my cards. Never play poker with a nine-year-old…
55. Way to Break the Relationship
I was on a "break" with my girlfriend at the time. I got a text from a girl that I had mutual friends with, and we knew each other kind of well. We started having dirty conversations, talking about sleeping together, etc. That's when I made a chilling discovery. It turns out my girlfriend had gotten a burner phone with a different number. My friend had never been texting me, and my girlfriend was the one behind the texts the whole time.
She was not pleased.
56. Mum’s the Bad Word
When I was in high school, I was programming a club’s website to censor profanity. I was doing it on the family computer at home. My dad catches a glimpse of a list of bad words on the screen and begins with the “Hey, what are you doing?!” routine. I explain what I’m doing, and he stood dumbfounded. A conservative Christian father not knowing what to think about his son with profanity on the screen.
He ended up walking away.
57. Didn't See That One Coming
It happened to a friend of mine. We were all on vacation (about seven friends) and everybody was drinking. We were the only two who didn’t. He managed to snag his girlfriend's phone while she was passed out and pulled me to the side. He said, "she's cheating on me, some guy named Joey has been texting her and meeting her after work to hook up every day."
We ended up searching for names and mutual friends via Facebook. The plot twist? It turned out that Joey was a girl.
58. No Family Tradition Like Sex Ed
So, the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me was when my dad gave me "the talk." Well, I came to the living room and there was my dad on the couch. On the TV there was a documentary about whales and how they mate. So he points to the TV and says "See that son, that's the whales pee-pee," and at that precise moment my grandma walks into the room, and starts explaining what reproduction is in an incredibly graphic way.
So basically, I'm paralyzed by the sheer horror, my dad is laughing his ass off at the couch and there is a huge whale organ on the TV, and all the while my grandma is reciting the Kama Sutra.
59. Scheduling Conflict
I had been with this chick for about one year. At our school summer camp, a guy from the class above me came up to me and straight-up said: "Hey, I hear you’re so and so's new boyfriend, I’m her ex and just wanted to say hello.” I didn't really know what to make of the situation but for some reason, I just asked when they broke up. His answer made my blood run cold.
He said: "Oh, like one month ago." Needless to say, that relationship was over quickly.
60. Second Time’s the Charm
He rang my friend, who I happened to be with at the time, to tell her he'd been sleeping with his ex and asked what should he do. Her not knowing what to do, she put him on speaker and asked him to repeat. Then the yelling started.
61. The Naked Truth is Stranger Than Clothed Fiction
Walking a drunk, naked lad back to my room for exactly none of the reasons you might think. I was writing up an assignment last minute, and my friend came in absolutely wasted (had no idea where he'd been for the previous five hours) and was making a racket. I couldn't really leave him, so I fetched some water and put him to bed with a sick bucket.
Five minutes later, he wandered into my room wearing nothing but a towel and decided my bed was the place to crash. He started yelling about RuneScape, before deciding he needed to puke, and wandered off to the bathroom. My other flatmates caught him stumbling back to my room with the towel held loosely in front of his junk whilst all I could do is watch in abject horror.
I had to awkwardly explain to them later on that I genuinely wasn't trying to lure drunk guys into my room like some predatory creep.
62. Wrong Place, Wrong Time
I was at a party with a group of friends. I was standing behind my best friend talking in a group when my friend all of a sudden gets a text. I look at his phone and it's my girlfriend's full name and her asking when he is going to be over. She was supposed to be out of town at her mom's house.
63. Lost In Translation
When I was, maybe 14 years old, my family and I went on vacation to the Dominican Republic. First, let it be known that place is awesome. Such a good time. What I was unaware of though, was that it was also a huge European vacation destination. Well a day or two goes by and I'm pretty bored. All I've done is spend time with my family, and of course, normal 14-year-old me knows vacations aren't meant to be spent with the family!
Finally, I see a group of English children who look to be about my age playing soccer (football) on this field within the resort. Well, genius me decides these kids are not going to like me unless I'm English. So what do I do? I decide, by god, I'm going to become English and hang out with these guys. So I approach them and it actually goes a lot better than I thought.
I end up spending most of my time hanging out playing football with these chaps. It was awesome, I legit had these kids thinking I was English, they introduced me to their (topless) sisters and mums, and I genuinely liked these people. Unfortunately, I held a dark secret that finally surfaced on the second to last day.
Pretty normal day, we're all hanging out playing ping pong, everybody's shouting having a good time, I'm shouting, of course in my English accent, when all of a sudden my WHOLE American family shows up behind me asking what I was doing...in front of all my new friends.....and their topless mums and sisters. Ugh, I have never felt more shame EVER...
Just seeing ALL those looks of confusion and disappointment (and of course pure laughter from my dad and sister). To this day I still haven't lived that incident down. Eight years and they still give me heck...Make sure your American family isn't standing behind you while you lie to a bunch of English people...about being English...
64. If He Can Make It There, He Can Make It Anywhere
He went to NYC on a business trip and his phone was constantly going straight to voicemail whenever I called. When I finally got in touch with him he said that he was having a hard time getting a signal... in midtown Manhattan. So I called his office and asked for him and they were totally confused. It turns out he was in another state visiting someone he met on the internet.
65. If These Walls Could Talk…
I got my first kiss on the lips when I was about eight years old. That night, I went home and decided since things were heating up in my newfound relationship, that I ought to get to practicing. I decide the wall is a safe bet and begin to make out with it. Then I start whispering to the wall, pretending it is my third-grade boyfriend. I hear a floorboard creak and look over to see my grandma standing in the doorway.
She backs away, looking down at the ground. This has haunted me for so long and so deeply that I think about it at least once a week.
66. Did He Get an A+?
I caught my boyfriend of two years. He had asked me to proofread his paper on his Mac and the text messenger popped up in the right hand. He was sitting in his bed texting some girl "goodnight, I love you" while sitting right next to me in his bed. I deleted his entire paper, wrote: "Who's Marissa?" I then saved it, told him it looks great, and left.
It was only later that I found out the vile truth. She was his girlfriend of eight years who lived next to his parents two hours away.
67. What a Sight
My grandmother caught me standing on the sink bent over in front of the mirror looking over my shoulder all because I wanted to see what a fart looked like.
68. Well That Escalated Quickly...
I caught my ex when we were both standing in the examining room, getting his "UTI treatment." Doc came in and said gonorrhea. He lied for a whole two to three months, I imagine. Even lied about how he got it, tried convincing me he accidentally swiped his genitals in some mystery fluids in a gas station toilet (what in the world...). What was even worse was his reaction.
When he realized I wasn't that stupid, he tried to drink random bottles on the doctor's shelf. He started hitting himself. He fell on his knees sobbing and tried grabbing my hands and begging for me not to leave. He threatened to hurt me and himself that entire night, and attacked me for close to nine hours when I was trying to pack my bags to leave.
I just spoke at his sentencing this Thursday. He is a convicted felon now. I hope he's grown from this.
69. My Body is a Canvas
I once, for no reason that I can remember, decided to draw and write all over my butt in felt-tip pens. I drew all sorts of stuff, I'm pretty sure there was a triceratops on there, love hearts, and "I <3 [my childhood crush]." I was about 6/7 at the time, and my mum walked in and saw me doing it, laughed her ass off, and marched me to the bathroom with a sponge.
70. Say Cheese!
When I was at college we had this campus Twitter account where people would post pictures of random people caught making out at parties. I blacked out one Saturday night and woke up to a few angry texts from my girlfriend. Whoops!
71. The Key to Good Calcium
Walking home from the gym, I often stop and pick up a ball of “Be Good to Yourself” mozzarella (in a bag filled with brine) from Sainsbury's—low fat, high protein, pretty delicious. They also usually have a tear at the top so you can open them with your hands. I take that protein window seriously and so eat it on the way home.
This time, though, there was no tear at the top, so when I got to the trash bin, I pulled out my keys, stabbed the bag (very messy), ripped it open, pulled out the ball of mozzarella and then ate it. The problem was the guy in the truck I hadn't noticed who saw a man in a tracksuit at night stab a ball of mozzarella with his keys, spraying liquid all over himself and the sidewalk, and then eat a whole ball of mozzarella.
72. Well, This One is a Little Weird...
I wouldn't be surprised if no one believed me, but I swear this really happened. One night I had a dream where my girlfriend was cheating on me. The next morning, I told her about it and she totally freaked out. That's how I knew. The weirdest part was, I was able to describe his bedspread, fish tank, and the rest of his room to her.
73. So Close, I Can Taste Them
There was an episode of Rescue Rangers where Chip and Dale cross-dress to go undercover and my mom and grandma walked in on me kissing the TV. Don't ask why. I can't freaking remember.
74. The Roommate Disagreement
She was having an argument with a housemate and they shouted at her—with me in the room—“At least I'm not cheating on my fiancé!” She moved out less than a week later.
75. Building a Beat
I’ve been working with a contractor to renovate a small business in a fairly large complex of stores. Yesterday, I was exhausted after moving some heavy boxes and was just sitting on the floor. I picked up a wrench next to and started tapping it on the floor. I started to tap the intro to YYZ, and it just took me. So, I was just jamming out in my head while pounding the floor with this wrench.
Da nah nah nahnah nah nah danah nah nah nahnahna. I look up and this middle-aged woman has her face pressed against the wind and was just watching me. This was yesterday.
76. While You Were Healing
I had surgery on my testicles due to a possible tumor (it wound up being benign), so I was recovering that evening in bed. My girlfriend (long-distance) visited me to take care of me. All is going great, except for my crotch hurting and my wearing of a diaper—but hey, I had just come back from Afghanistan, so life was still pretty sweet.
My girlfriend offers to make me some food. Sweet. So she asks me to look up a recipe on my phone. I can't find my phone—so she tosses me hers. Well, let me tell you, in the midst of me looking up a great Chicken Cordon Bleu recipe, a message from my friend Ryan flashes across the top of the screen. I can't make it out, but it looks an awful lot like something inappropriate.
I'm like, "Oh Ryan, what are you giving a hard time to my girlfriend about," So I click the message, if only to relay what I presumed was a joke to her. Well, let me tell you, the joke was on me. Those two had been going to Bonetown, USA, while I was deployed. They talked about me being gone as a vacation for them. My girlfriend asks if I found anything good.
I'm like "Oh hell yeah." Now, I show her the texts. She denies anything happened. Which is, well dumb—so me being a man of dignity, kick her out of the apartment and send her on her way to Georgia. Wearing adult diapers, I kicked her out of my place. Honestly, I just wish I had found out after I had eaten some Cordon Bleu.
77. What Are You Looking At?
I thought my family was out of the house during middle/high school. While I was taking a hot tub I decided to do some buck naked headstands under the water, at the same time my mom and sister looked out in the yard...
78. CSI: Cheating Scene Investigation
My story is like something out of Black Mirror. My girlfriend of six years went out of town with a couple of her girlfriends for a weekend. I decided to check her Facebook profile to see if she posted any new pics or whatever and noticed that this one guy liked almost every status she posted. He never commented. I was just curious about who he was because she never mentioned him.
His profile was mostly private, but he had a couple of pictures and statuses that I could view. Just figured it was a classmate or something (she's in law school) until I scrolled upon a picture that stood out: It was a pic of his parked car that a hit-and-run driver smacked into overnight while street parked. I almost kept scrolling when something hit me.
The background of the picture gave me a weird feeling. His car was parked on the street that I recognized because of the brick roads that we have downtown. Upon closer inspection, the reason I recognized it was because it was right outside my girlfriend's house. When she got back I talked to her about it. Of course, she at first came up with a BS story about how some friends from school crashed at her place because she lives near downtown and they couldn't drive.
I'm not an idiot though, because I know she'd tell me if somebody hit her friend's car outside her house. Eventually, she broke down and confessed she'd been cheating for a year. It turned my life inside out. We had plans to move in a week after I found out and I was going to propose on our anniversary a few weeks after that.
I got out of the relationship, even though she is still begging to this day for forgiveness... It's just so weird because of the coincidence I came across this pic, that the pic was even public, and the fact that if the picture was taken a foot closer to the damage, I'd have never known. I just got such a weird feeling from the small amount of details I could make out in the background.
79. Double Jeopardy
Occasionally I would cut school in high school. Typically, I would wait until my mom left for work and then go back home before heading out again. One day I saw her leave, so I went home. About ten minutes later the door opens so I book it into my closet. She comes upstairs and opens my bedroom door and proceeds to open the closet...of course, she sees me and yells “What are you doing home?"
I counter with "Well what are YOU doing looking in MY closet??" She took me to school.
80. I’m Not Housebreaking You
There was one time, I was slightly intoxicated after hooking up. My girlfriend went to the bathroom, and my drunk self is lying in bed. Well, I laid on a dog collar and thought “Ow, what the heck...” and then picked it up and thought, "Does it hurt them that bad when it’s on?" Well, in my infinite wisdom, I thought it would be a good idea to put it on to make sure.
I put the collar on and made sure it wouldn’t prick them like it did to my back and she came back in as I was taking it off. I was naked, with a dog collar on, standing in the middle of the room. She wouldn’t believe me that I wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to cut him, even with the cut on my back.
81. Power in Numbers
I had accused him previously but over and over he turned it around and got upset that I didn't trust him. Finally, after talking to the girl he cheated with on the phone, we called him together and he came clean. Couldn't lie to us both.
82. Work What Your Dad’s Girlfriend Has Got
Oh boy. I was watching the Victoria Secret Fashion show. I was around eight so I was not interested in girls. But they were wearing underwear that looked comfortable. I knew I could find a pair in my dad's drawer. Now I didn't have a mom, so this was from his girlfriend we didn't know about. So me and my brother put a pair on, took everything else off, and started doing flips off the bunk bed. My grandma hears all the commotion and walks into my dad's room only to see me and my brother flipping off a bunk bed wearing nothing but girls' underwear.
83. The Truth Doesn’t Hold Water and Neither Do I
So, I was 18 and on a party bus celebrating a friend’s birthday. You know the type with the poles and the rave lights and all that jazz. I was one of the only underage people in the group, so I was trying my best to get as drunk as possible before we got to the club. I succeeded but being young, I obviously acted like a fool. I was dancing with everybody, trying to hug and being friendly with everyone, because that's the kind of drunk I am.
The bouncers realized I was intoxicated, and I was kicked out of the club. Because I had wandered off in my quest to be the friendliest drunk, none of my friends realized I was gone. Right about the time that I was firmly escorted to the door, my bladder decided to tell me how much I had drank. I had to go sooooo bad. I begged the security to let me use the bathroom inside, but alas, they were not sympathetic.
So, I walked around the parking lot and building hoping to find a nice bush or secluded area to squat. The place was packed though, there were tons of dudes and as a tiny- very drunk female I was scared to pull my pants down where anybody could see. I was getting desperate and cold. So, I went back to the bus, bladder ready to burst.
I sat in the back all alone, wondering if I should just risk it and go pee next to the bus or something. Then my eyes fell upon an empty Gatorade bottle. I sized up the wide (for a bottle) opening and decided it was this or nothing. My bladder was sore, and I was too tired to think it through. So, I carefully tried to position myself over the bottle to get it all in.
I didn't want to pee in the nice bus, that seemed rude. I was too shaky and wobbly though, so I sat down and stuck the bottle against my hoo-ha. The relief was glorious, I had just relaxed into and started to feel proud of myself, when I heard a voice go "What are you doing?!" I'm very pee shy, so I immediately ceased peeing when I heard him.
Then the unknown man yelled, "Oh my god!” He sounded excited; I was mortified. I tried to explain, but the words wouldn't come out. I wasn't sure if it was better or worse to admit to peeing in a bottle, so I really struggled to deny what he was accusing me of. He ended up laughing at me, not believing me at all, and then leaving.
I still don't remember who he was, or if he was even with our group. I didn't pay attention to his face and drunk me didn't recognize his voice. But I wonder if he remembers me.
84. Good Thing She Didn’t Call Your Bluff
She kept deleting all her texts... I got suspicious and told her I had a cool program on my PC that picks up all texts wirelessly. Confronted her saying I had seen them on my PC, she admitted it without me seeing a thing.
85. Which is Worse?
Last week, I was in my room watching My Little Pony for about two hours when my parents ran in thinking that I was having a dirty movie marathon. When they saw my screen, they just started laughing and told all their friends.
86. None of Your Bloody Business
It was 3 am and 15-year-old me was taking a poop and got a bloody nose. Now for context, I get really bad nose bleeds and usually just keep my head up and it goes away. Well, I was bored. So, I thought, “What if I just keep my head down and let it drip?” I know...very stupid. Blood was all over the floor. I had every intention to just clean it up with tissues and flush it, no evidence of my little experiment.
What I didn’t know was that my mum was actually awake and was waiting for me to finish in the toilet for her turn. I didn’t lock the door because it was 3 am and I didn’t think I needed to. Well, she opens the door and begins to ask, “Why are you taking so—” She then sees the blood, starts freaking out. Thinks I’m either dead or dying. I start yelling trying to explain myself.
Mum starts crying thinking she’s going to lose her son. My sister walks out of her room from the crying and the yelling. Sees the blood. Freaks out as well. After a bit of panic, I eventually explained my stupid experiment. I cleaned it up and we all went to bed. But I don’t think anybody slept after that traumatic experience.
87. A Blessing from Above
When I was probably seven years old me and my brother would be hanging out upstairs in our room. But there was only one bathroom in the house and it was downstairs and allll the way on the other side of the house. Our solution: pee in bottles and throw them out the window. Little did we know we threw them out the window to the backyard where my entire extended family was...
88. Positively Heartbroken
I found out that my boyfriend was cheating when I tested positive for chlamydia! How's that for getting caught red-handed? Or red...something-ed.
89. Taking My Dessert Break Early
I was called in to assist my wife with putting together a friend's baby shower when her helper bailed at the last minute. My job was to prep the "dirty diaper game" which, if you've not heard of it, is played like this: an assortment of name brand candy bars and chocolates are unwrapped and then mushed into a diaper so as to resemble a baby's dirty diaper.
The game participants then assess the contents of each "dirty" diaper and have a guess at what candy bar might be lurking within. Whoever has the most correct answers wins. Now, seeing that I was called in at the last minute, I had to complete the task while at work...So, there I was, in my office, 15 or so diapers laying open on my desk, sleeves rolled up, hurriedly rolling what appeared to be a gooey, nutty turd in my hands...when my boss walks in.
We make eye contact. He glances at my work, looks at me as though I am dangerously unstable, then slowly steps back out of the office without saying a word. We've never spoken of it since.
90. Caught in a Compromising Position
My Dad walked in on me squatting over the business end of a hairdryer. I'd not long got out the shower and wanted to blast my gooch with warms. So there I was, naked, with my back to my bedroom door, hovering over the hairdryer. I didn't hear Dad walk in due to the hairdryer. He just yelled "BUSTED!" and walked out.
91. For My Ears Only
I caught my dad cheating on my stepmom because he said he wanted to listen to Adele on my headphones. The second he said that I knew something was up, he would never take me and my sister out for any reason other than personal pleasure and why ask for my headphones, come to find out after a little bit of snooping on his phone he was sending Facebook audio messages to girls, so his wife couldn't read the messages.
That really changed how I saw my dad.
92. It Takes One to Tango
As a teenager, after watching a cop show about a kidnapping, I got really curious about what it would be like to be tied up. With some flexibility and creativity, I managed to get myself gagged and pretty securely bound to a kitchen chair. I could still get loose but not without some wiggling. My mom came home early, and I couldn't get loose in time. She FREAKED, thinking I had been robbed.
Then, when she untied me, I explained, she thought I was a freak. Haha.
93. Cheesy Tunes
About a year ago, my parents caught me singing to my microwave while I was waiting for it to warm up a piece of pizza. This all happened at 4 in the morning, when I thought my parents were staying at a friend's. Oh, I almost forgot the most important part: I was naked.
94. Do You Accept the Charges?
We shared a family plan for phone service that I was the administrator of. Weird stuff has been happening, so I did a little research. Saw he was texting and calling the same number a lot so I asked phone carrier for transcripts and saw all the dirty stuff he had been texting to the other girl.
95. First Time is the Worst Time
In high school, I was on the verge of losing my virginity to my girlfriend of two years who also happened to be my neighbor. The scene was set perfectly, both my parents were gone (dad was out of town and mom was working until nine) and I had just asked her to prom that day... So things are getting hot and heavy, and all of a sudden I hear a noise downstairs, but assume it's one of my cats wreaking havoc as usual.
Things continue and about a minute later my (extremely conservative) mom walks in, and as the door opens she lets out a faint scream and runs downstairs. BUSTED. Now while this moment was awful enough, after going downstairs to face my mother who had immediately called my (also very conservative) dad, she goes on a rant about how irresponsible I am and how protection doesn't always work, and I'm proof of that.
So that's the story of how my relationship was ruined (just got really awkward after that) and I found out I was an accident. Maybe the act itself isn't anywhere near as embarrassing as some of the ones on here, but I swear the situation made it mortifying.
96. Not to Dump All This on You
This was when I was around eight years old. I went to bed, and I'd always had the habit of going to the toilet in my sleep. Half sleepwalking to the toilet, taking a poop/piss, and moving back to bed with the very vaguest knowledge of what happened the next morning. One night, I did so as usual. I got up, went to the toilet, sat down and started my business.
For some reason, my mother came in after me, and began to shake me. I had no idea why she was doing that, so I just kept going. I had to poop, ya know? She then started pushing me towards a seat and was encouraging me to dump on the seat. Confused, and half asleep, I did so. What the heck, it's her problem getting feces off the chair.
Turns out I never originally made it to the toilet, instead, I took a dump in the middle of the carpeted hallway. She was actually trying to guide me to the toilet. Not the most dignified moment of my life.
97. A Seller's Market
I like trying out new and different things sometimes to keep “sexy time” with my wife fresh and interesting. One time, I thought it would be fun to write her a letter requesting that when I get home that night, she is to be on all fours wearing a certain less-than-modest garment. So I place the letter on the kitchen counter before leaving the house, expecting her to see it and follow the instructions by the time I get back.
Around 3:00 pm, my wife and I receive a group message. Turns out our landlord (who we gave permission to always come in as he wished, he was a great old guy) stopped by to show off the house to a buyer. I don’t connect the dots or think anything of it. I'm still expecting sexy time. Eventually, she comes home, sees the letter, but also sees the kitchen sink was fixed.
She is 100% convinced he, or they, read the letter. I still to this day can't look my ex-landlord in the eye without laughing.
98. The Law Won
I was driving when another driver merged into my lane without yielding (ignoring the yield sign) and he almost clipped the front of my car. There was a cop right behind me who turned on his lights and flagged the guy down. My friends/I celebrated by yelling justice. It made my day.
99. Hopefully, This Never Happens to Anyone Again
I was showing my grandmother pictures from my trip to Washington State. We were having a great time as I was going through the pictures I took at Mount Rainier, Olympic National Park, and the Puget Sound ferry. Right in the middle of a great picture, my wife texts me about wanting to try out our new bedroom toy. It was literally just the smiling devil emoji and the words "Want to try out the new bedroom toy?"
I don't think I've ever blushed so red in my entire life.
100. Sold Out of Love
My wife was pilfering money from the marriage to the tune of about $1,000 per month. It had gone on for a few years before I figured it out. (I thought she was saving the money, she was really stashing it in her dad's accounts.) Not satisfied to simply stash away her own salary, she began to buy stuff on the joint charge card, then sell it on eBay. I was paying the card.
I started the divorce without telling her. During this time, I took my name off the joint card without telling her and began using my own credit card. When the bills came in for that month, I informed her that I would not pay the credit card bills anymore, that she had her own job and her own money and she could pay her own bills. There was the expected ruckus about that, but I stuck to my guns.
A week or so later, she had a screaming foot-stomping tantrum about how it wasn't worth her time to work her eBay business. You know, because she now had to actually buy her own inventory instead of just selling stuff I bought. Yeah, I cracked a smile. The story ends thusly: I later traded the stolen money—and my silence about the felonies she committed while transferring the money—for shared custody, zero payments to her, and zero claims on real estate, etc.
She walked away with less than she'd have gotten if she was honest. I even got the house. Our divorce was final four months ago.
101. Caught Red-Handed
My then-boyfriend had let me use his iPad to watch a movie on Netflix. He had his messenger account linked to both his tablet and his phone, and messages kept popping up on it while I was watching without him realizing I could see. I got to watch in real-time as he got his best friend's wife to agree to sleep with him over the coming holiday weekend.
The worst part? The promise that he'd get rid of me for that weekend so they could get intimate in our bed.
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