We all do and say dumb things from time to time, but if we’re lucky, no one is there to see or hear it and we can keep it to ourselves. However, for people in relationships, they tend to spend most of their time with their significant other, resulting in a witness to their stupidity. Thankfully for us, there are tons of people who are willing to share those moments on a Reddit thread for everyone to enjoy! In the end, 48 stories were chosen that range from brain farts to people saying the first thing that pops into their mind, which is generally not their proudest moment, but sure makes for an enjoyable story!
1. Close Enough
Current girlfriend thought that the movie showings during the day were “Manatee Shows.” I had to explain to her that they are in fact “Matinee Shows.”
2. Family Is More Than Blood
I had a kid prior to getting together with my fiancée and having a second daughter. The father of my eldest is not in the picture and my wonderful fiancée has taken her on as his own. To the point that he frequently forgets that she isn’t his genetic offspring. We were at a holiday party at his parents' house.
I was talking to my future SIL about my eldest and her night terrors when fiancée pops off with “She gets that from my side of the family...” cue really confused faces all around. His sister sat there and started questioning what other genetic diseases my eldest has magically got from her stepdad. It took a few minutes before he figured it out. I love this man.
3. She’s Not Wrong
I was proofreading one of my girlfriend's papers and noticed something out of the ordinary. I asked if she had "copied and pasted" a few sentences, to which she responded "no." A few paragraphs later, I saw something else that didn't seem like she typed it so I asked her about it again to avoid her getting in trouble for plagiarism.
She said, "I swear I didn't copy and paste it, I just typed it word for word".
Wikimedia Commons, Matthew J. Cotter
4. Closest Thing to Teleportation
I’ll answer for my wife. I had gone to Home Depot to pick up a trailer hitch ball for my truck. I didn’t realize that they had different shaft sizes, and I didn’t know which size I needed, so I called my wife and this conversation took place: Me: “Are you at the house?” Her: “Yeah, why?” Me: “Can you go out to the driveway and measure the hole in the bumper of my truck? It should be either 1/2-inch or 3/4-inch.”
There’s a pause... Her: “Isn’t your truck with you?”
Yes. Yes it was. That was how I had gotten to Home Depot. I forgot.
5. Hot and Cold
My ex was "teaching" my little brother about the US states from the typical map of the 50 states. She proceeds to say, "Isn’t it crazy how hot and nice it is in Hawaii and how cold it is in Alaska and they are right next to each other." She thought that they were right next to each other because the map brought Alaska down to show along with the other 49.
6. One Big Family
My girlfriend in college attended my graduation and afterward says to me, “Man, there were a lot of people with the name ‘lawdy’.” Each time someone was given their degree, it was announced whether they were graduating “cum laude” or not. My girlfriend thought America’s largest family graduated from university with me that day—the Lawdy family, and they all looked unrelated.
7. Great Minds Think Alike
My husband and I work for the same company, and we sometimes carpool, and sometimes we don't, depending on our schedules that day. Sometimes we forget that we drove separately and carpool home, then wonder where the other car is. I've also driven home and forgotten my husband at work more than once.
8. What Is This, a Centre for Ants?
My husband had a brain fart at Walmart. We were shopping for baby stuff and they had a miniature version of a nursing/rocking chair on display. He says, "What's the point of that? I don't think any baby would enjoy sitting in that." Then it dawned on him.
9. Hidden Feature
My now ex-girlfriend got a Polaroid camera for Christmas. Jokingly one day I said, “Does it take videos?” And she very seriously said, “I’m sure it does but I haven’t tried that feature yet.”
10. Not So Fast
She drove off without getting her order at the drive-thru and didn't realize until she was down the street.
11. It's Magic!
I had an ex who didn't realize that vacuum cleaners had to be emptied. He genuinely thought the vacuum was broken because it was full of fluff and didn't suck anymore. The worst thing was, I believed him that it was broken because it didn't occur to me that someone could think vacuum cleaners magically made dust disappear.
12. Mystery Hand
One time while dating my now-wife, we got into a playful pinching fight while I was driving—probably not a great idea, but we were young. She starts getting frustrated and pinching harder, but my right arm was hooked on her left arm, like when you walk together with your arms hooked in movies. She pinched herself and thought it was me. She pinched so hard she screamed and got mad.
Her next reaction was what made me almost crash! She doubled down and did it again harder and screamed even louder. Somehow she didn't realize it was her arm the way we were hooked together, even though in that position I had no way to touch her. She was getting pissed because I was cracking up. Just remembering her anger then confusion always makes me laugh.
13. Poor Choice of Words
My parents have an extremely ugly little dog. Like, this thing is unfortunate. A cross between a Chihuahua and some sort of lesser demon. Buggy eyes, underbite, just ugly. And she picks on my dogs, so she's not my favorite. But this little creature adores my husband. One day, he came into my parents' house from work—I was already there—and ugly dog runs up to him like she just won the lottery.
He scoops her up, laughing, and completely without thinking, he said, "Why is it that only the ugly girls like me?" There was dead silence, and his expression blanched in slow motion. It was like someone looking down and realizing they had pooped all over the floor. I said nothing, just got up and walked outside, the sounds of his pitiful groveling following me.
"Not you!! I didn't mean you!! Oh my God, I am so sorry, I didn't..."
I know he meant nothing by it, but to this day my entire family gives him crap for it. He definitely paid for the faux pas.
14. Math Problem
When I was 19 my girlfriend and I, along with another friend of ours, took a road trip up to Toronto to visit a friend of ours who lived there during the summer. It was my first time leaving the United States since I came here when I was three years old, so I was excited. We were there to see our friend but we had also heard that in Toronto they have these "novelty ID" shops where you could get a fake ID from a US state.
She was starting college in a few months, and I would joining her the next semester, so we wanted to have fake ID's to be able to buy booze ourselves.
We went into the city one day and found one of these shops. It was pretty crazy, they had a whole book of sample IDs featuring every state and also some other random novelty IDs. We heard from someone that Michigan was the one that looked the most real, so we made ours from there. We paid them $60 and they gave us a form where we basically filled in all the info except an address.
They took a picture for the ID and then handed me a Michigan State hoodie. Part of the $60 included a second form of ID, in this case, a college ID, and by wearing the hoodie it gave the illusion that the pictures were taken on different days.
It was all a pretty easy process and from what I understood legal there since they are supposed to be novelties. We get in the car and are about to drive back to our friend's house. I ask my girlfriend to see her ID because I wanted to see if her address was the same as mine or if they used random ones. As I'm looking at her ID I notice that the year on hers is wrong.
I told her, "Babe, you got the year wrong. This says you're 20, not 21." She laughed and said, no it doesn't and grabbed the ID from me. She stared at the ID for a few seconds and then her smile turned into a scowl. She didn't say another word for the rest of the ride back and I was trying so hard to hold back my laughter.
Because she screwed up the birthday her ID was basically useless until her birthday next year.
15. Context Is Key
We were driving one day and were stopped at a red light. She’s looking at a sign and the following exchange occurs:
Her: “What a dumb name for a street!”
Me: “Huh? What street?”
Her: “Bone Marrow Drive? Who would name a street Bone Marrow Drive?”
It was a sign for a local bone marrow drive that would be taking place, not the name of the street. We still talk about it to this day.
16. The L Word
I have a fan with different settings labeled L M H for how fast the fan spins. She was looking at it and told me she set the fan to "Large."
17. Killer Ants
My boyfriend—now husband—and I were playing cash cab when we first started dating. For those of you who don’t know the concept of this game you have to try to answer as many questions as you can in a short amount of time, so you obviously answer really fast. My question to him was “What animal in Africa kills the most people a year?”
And he blurted out, very loudly “ANTS!!!!” I laughed so hard I was crying. 11 years later we still every once in a while look at each other with a wild look in our eyes and yell “ANTS!”
18. Farm Animals
We were driving through some back roads and passed a couple pastures. She saw some cows and started very excitedly trying to get my attention. Grabbing on my arm and saying “babe, babe, look how FAT those horses are.” I have never let it go and she still doesn’t think it’s funny.
19. Power’s Out EVERYwhere
Her power had gone out in the neighboring town. She called crying saying she had so much homework to complete. I said to drive to my house since I still had power. She yelled at me saying, “How dare you attempt to get me to drive! How do you expect me to do that, my headlights won’t work!” It didn’t last much longer after that.
20. Fancy Way of Saying It
We passed by LA Fitness and I said, “oh cool there’s LA Fitness,” and he said, “I always thought it was la fitnesse”
21. What a Waste
We got a cat together. He has never owned an animal. I called him from work one day asking him to change the litter box. He calls back ten minutes later in a panic, “YOU SAID WE COULD FLUSH THE LITTER DOWN THE TOILET!!!” I said “OMG what did you do?!” He had dumped the entire litter box in the toilet. Our toilet water was slowly turning into cement.
Dude...I told you that you could SCOOP the poop and flush that. Somehow he got that confused. One of those moments I was so angry I just started laughing.
22. Youngest Olympians Ever
My eldest child was born in December 2004. This was the year that we found out that London had won the bid for the 2012 Olympics. It was announced that children born on 20/12 would get free entry to the Olympics. “But what if they’re not any good at sports?” I had to gently explain that it was free entry to watch the Olympics.
23. F Is For Fail
In high school, my girlfriend said, "Do you know what I just realized? There's no state that starts with the letter F!" We went to school in Florida.
24. A Cow and Egg Situation
My now-ex and I were grocery shopping and she was asking where the eggs were.
Me: Over by the milk
Ex: Oh that makes sense, since they come from the same animal
Me: What?
Ex: Oh that's wrong, isn't it...
She isn't dumb, and she definitely knew that was wrong immediately, but it's still the most hilarious brain fart I've ever witnessed.
25. Taking Things Literally
I work at a school and received a candle as a gift one year for Christmas from a parent. They were known to be hippies and set in their lifestyle. My boyfriend picked it up and said, “Wow, what hipsters, they even got a candle made in Mexico. It says soy candle!!” The candle was made from soy wax, it did not say “I am candle” in Spanish, much to his disappointment and my delight.
26. Missing a Key Ingredient
My fiancée was setting up for my 30 birthday at a bar. She was blowing up balloons with her mouth and taping them to the wall on the outside deck the bar had. She asked me, "Why aren't they floating up?"
27. Recommended Amount
When he first got a popcorn maker, he was excited to try it out. He got the popcorn, I think the machine came with seasoning, and he got out a cereal bowl to catch the popped kernels. He scooped out a cup of unpopped kernels and put it in the machine. Now, those of you paying attention to the quantities may have noticed a fatal flaw in this plan.
After a minute or so, the popcorn started coming out, slowly at first. As it picked up speed, it gradually became clear that one cup of popcorn doesn't fit into a cereal bowl when popped—not even close. As the popcorn started to rise higher and higher, about to overflow, with no signs of stopping...I will remember his mildly panicked face for as long as I live.
At first, he stood there, touching the bowl, trying to figure out how to replace it without making an even bigger mess. Finally, as the popcorn started bouncing onto the counter, he softly said "Oh no." At that point, I couldn't hold it in any longer and collapsed on the floor laughing.
28. Great Question
One time, I showed my wife a David Blaine Netflix special. She asked, and I quote, "Now is this real magic, or just like magic tricks?"
29. Costly Mistake
I took my boyfriend out for his first pho. There was a huge slice of jalapeno that he ate all in one bite. His pizza-based taste buds were not accustomed and he wept over his bowl for a good while. He thought the jalapeño was a cucumber. I have not let him forget it.
30. Close Call
I had made a roast for dinner, in my slow cooker. After dinner, she was helping me clean up. I come into the kitchen, and she had the entire crock-pot submerged in the sink. I asked what she was doing, and she said she was cleaning it. She didn’t know that the ceramic inside could be removed to clean. After I explained that to her, she said, “I guess I shouldn’t have put the whole thing under water!”
I said, “No!” And reached over and unplugged it! I have no idea how she didn’t get electrocuted.
31. Hotpants
Last night my girlfriend did some laundry since she was out of clean clothes at my place. This morning—keep in mind that at this point in the story, I am still sleeping in bed—some of her underwear was still wet, so apparently she decided to take a pair and stick it in the microwave for five minutes. Apparently, after three minutes the microwave started smoking.
At this point, I woke up because it smelled like she is cooking something and I was curious as to what's going on. Pretty soon it starts smelling like burning. I hear her say "Ow!" loudly and leave my bedroom to investigate. Apparently, her underwear had been smoldering and she decided to pick them up by hand to dispose of them.
Apparently laughing to the point of almost wetting myself was not the correct response, but then again, it's three hours later and my place still smells of burning underwear, so we'll call this one a wash.
32. Self Sabotage
He picked up our friend's keys, thinking one of her key chains was a lighter or air freshener. It was mace. He got a nice spray to the face and I was sitting right next to him, so I got a lovely dose as well. For the next 30 minutes or so the ENTIRE apartment was coughing and dying and trying to air the place out. Even our friend who was upstairs showering could feel the effects. Still love him though.
33. Dark Dad Joke
When I was pregnant the baby hadn't kicked in a while and I told my husband I was worried. In a silly, ghost story style voice he was like "mayybeeee it's deeeeaddd." As soon as it was out of his mouth he realized he had made a horrible mistake. Baby is fine, miraculously so is husband.
34. They’re Just Invisible
My wife and I were traveling about ten years ago. Just above the baggage carousel was an advertisement for a local radio station, giving away “free air guitars.” Of course, all guitar stands were empty. My wife, in all seriousness, says that “they must be all out.” Silence ensues, I’m looking at her, trying to figure out if it’s a joke or not.
She says it again and I lose it, rocking out to my newly received air guitar. To this day we still laugh about it!
35. Listen Linda
We were going through a Taco Bell drive-thru. At this drive-thru, you ordered at the talking menu, pay at the window, and you wait at that window for your food. Their drive-thru wraps around the building. We order, we go to the window, we pay. My boyfriend says, "Where do we get our food?" I tell him we just wait. He goes, "Should I go around the corner?"
I tell him, if we go around the corner we're gonna be at the front of the building. Don't pull around, just sit here and wait.
He pulls around and was surprised that he found the front of the building. As if someone wasn't right next to him telling him exactly that. So now we've created mild chaos within this Taco Bell. We threw off their groove. My boyfriend parks and runs inside and explains what happens. Taco Bell man asks his manager what to do, and my boyfriend says, "I'll just go back to the drive-thru" while they're talking and obviously not listening.
So to them, he just disappears. We go back in the drive-thru, we pull up to the window, and the drive-thru lady goes, "Was your order the—oh, it's you!" And the manager storms over, and she goes, "Y'ALL HAD ME LOOKING FOR YOU, I WENT OUTSIDE LOOKING FOR YOU, I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU EVERYWHERE! I got my eyes on you" and does the "I'm watching you" thing with her fingers and eyes, hands the drive-thru lady our bag, and storms off.
I'm cracking up, my boyfriend has his head hung in shame, and that day was the day we learned about listening skills. That was about four years ago. Still remember like it was yesterday.
36. That’s Not How That Works
Wife sent me screenshots to try and show me that her iPhone screen had cracked.
37. Money Can’t Buy Everything
My wife is a football fan. She understands the game decently and has some questions at times that I’m happy to answer for her. However, she may not always think things through. She thought because NFL teams make so much money, they have a special technology that paints the yellow first down line on the field and high schools just didn’t have enough money for their own yellow line machine. She legit thought the line was on the field.
38. Identity Theft
My now ex-boyfriend believed that his middle name was Steven until his late teens/early twenties because that was his older brother's middle name and he thought "that's how it works." He doesn't have a middle name.
39. Two-Way Mirror
She has a couple of dogs and a backyard porch that leads out with a door with glass panes. Well, whenever I, or company, came over the dogs would sit at the back door looking in and bark like crazy. Of course, once they were in the house they were fine. If the dogs couldn't see you, they just went on doing their dog things in the back yard.
So one day I suggest that she should put black construction paper on the glass panes they can see through. She agrees but wants the construction paper on the outside exposed to the elements. Tell her as much and suggest we put in on the inside of the door. She looked me right in my face with the most confused but sincere look and says, "We have to put the black paper outside so the dogs can't look in. If we put it on the inside we won't be able to look out but the dogs will be able to look in."
Funny thing about that is even though I tried explaining to her she still didn't get it. It was after she ran the scenario by one of her girlfriends, who by the way laughed uncontrollably, that she realized it didn't matter what side of the door the paper was on.
40. I Can See Right Through You
My wife—PhD—was being paranoid one day, and started talking about putting some tape over the webcam on her MacBook. I told her to go ahead and do it if it makes her feel better. Fast forward five minutes and I watched her put a piece of clear Scotch tape over the camera while I sat there and puzzled out what she was doing.
She looked at me with such a look of pride, which quickly crashed as she realized what she'd done.
41. Is the Wrapper Edible?
I like to eat Mini Babybel cheese wheels but my partner had never had any. He grabbed one to eat, and then I hear him say, "This is gross!" I look over at him to see if it was moldy or something, and I see he's taken a bite out of it with the red wax coating still on! I start laughing and tell him he has to take the wax off. Still makes me chuckle every time I eat one.
42. Long Con
My wife got a smartwatch for Christmas and it has the little charger you put it on. For giggles I put my regular wristwatch on it, fully expecting a haha so funny kind of reaction. The next night she asks if I need to charge my watch, I was shocked and played along. For two days I had her convinced I needed to charge my mechanical watch for the next day.
I finally couldn't stifle my laughter anymore and told her it doesn't work like that. Now every now and then I ask her to put my watch on the charger for me. She doesn't think it was as funny as I do, but it is one of my favorites so far.
43. Face Palm
I had a buddy over at our place and we had music on in the background. “Can’t Get No Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones comes on and my wife—then girlfriend, this was about five years ago—says, “I like this version, who is this by? I’ve only ever heard the original.” Me and my buddy both stare at each other, jaws dropped in awe, and we both turn and ask her, “Who do you think wrote the original?”
She responds with, “Britney Spears” almost like she couldn’t believe we didn’t know. That day was a TIL Britney Spears even did a cover of that song. We proceed to razz her unmercifully and let her know the version she is hearing now IS the original and she is dumbfounded. Since then, this has happened with numerous other songs as well but none have been as egregious as this one and I still bring it up to this day.
44. Don’t Cut Corners
One time my husband called me at work, "Babe, you're gonna be mad, I made a mess but don't worry I'll fix it!" I didn't even ask, just sighed, because he is basically Lucy from I Love Lucy. When I got home a little bit later it was to a living room COVERED in gray powder, my husband completely filthy with a trash bag and broom and a super panicked look on his face.
Turned out he’d decided to help around the house and wanted to clean the fireplace, he'd just decided the best way to do it would be to stand in front of it with a trash bag and use the leaf blower to blow the ashes in. Spoiler—that doesn’t work. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I laughed my ass off and it's still one of my favorite weird things he's done.
45. Dude, Where’s My Car?
My ex-husband went to Winco one day, did his shopping, and then went to the parking lot to find his car. It wasn’t there. He searched up and down the aisles. He had other shoppers looking. He had some guy drive him up and down, still no luck. It was stolen! In broad daylight! He said thanks to everyone for helping and was seconds away from calling the police and then me to come pick him up.
Phone in hand, he realizes—we had switched cars that day.
46. It’s the Thought That Counts
When my wife and I started dating in the mid-1980s she knew I was a huge fan of David Letterman. She said she had a huge surprise for me as she had tickets to see Letterman at a local venue. I was confused since David Letterman did not tour. I looked at the tickets she purchased and they were for the old ‘60s band "The Lettermen."
We didn't go, but I married her. 30 years this September.
47. Smells Like I’m Forgetting Something
One day she went to pan-fry something on the stove. She put a pan of oil on and turned the burner on high. It wasn't getting hot quick enough for her so she got bored and left the kitchen to go use the computer while it heated up. I was in the living room watching TV. From the kitchen, I start seeing dancing light. "Fire!"
I run into the kitchen and I see that the pan of oil was so hot for so long that it auto-ignited. She left it for at least 15 minutes because she left to use the computer and completely forgot about it. I used a lid to snuff the flame. She comes running into the kitchen to see what was going on. Thankfully nothing else lit on fire because of this.
48. It’s Not a Choice
As I'm in labor with our daughter, my husband asks, "Do you want her to have an innie or an outie belly button?" Weird question, but whatever. So I tell him I don't mind either way, both are cute. And then he says, "Yeah, but when the doctor asks, which should we pick for her?" He thought when they clamp the umbilical cord, parents tell the doctor the type of belly button they prefer. He's really smart, I promise.
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