There are certain moments in our lives that are perhaps best kept secret from our loved ones. There are many reasons why we would keep these tidbits away from the people who matter the most. There may be a generational or cultural divide, we may be ashamed of ourselves, and we might be afraid of what the people we love might think of us. Still, the anonymity of the Internet makes it a little easier to share these deep secrets with total strangers than it is to reveal them to our nearest and dearest. Here are some of humanity’s most vulnerable confessions.
1. Tragedy of Errors
My brother went to rehab when I was fourteen and then came back seven months later. We got close until about another year later when he passed away in a car crash soon after parents’ divorce. Three months later, grandpa died, and then 19-year-old sister got knocked up. Fast forward a couple years and I’m going to college.
Dad has a stroke and paralyzed on the left side of his body. So I come home to take care of him. Only to find out that I am incapable of doing so, alone, at 18. So he moves to Oklahoma and I can’t go back to my other school cause of financials. A couple years later, I was 20, on the same weekend, both my parents got married to another spouse. Without telling me. Either of them. A year later my girlfriend of four years breaks up with me for someone who lived with me through most of it. I am 21 now. That’s my short story.
2. Behind the Laughter
In general, I use my comedy and sarcasm to hide my true emotions when I’m generally pessimistic and hate life. I’m too afraid to open up to friends or people because I don’t know if the time is right and they truly think of me a friend.
3. Father Knows Best
My father grew up in poverty and for his seventh birthday party his mom made a bunch of ham sandwiches (ham being a nice treat for them) and even though they were just plain old bread with mayo and ham he was happy to have them. But when they were passing them out he got one without any ham… just bread and mayo. He told his mom and she said they were all out of ham but to be hush and don’t tell anyone. He didn’t get any ham that day.
He rose up from poverty and built his own business and provided for countless people, vowing to never ever be poor or hungry again. He passed away last year and I heard this story just a few nights ago from my mom. Every time I feel like things are getting tough I remember the ham sandwich my dad never had and how easy I have it. Never fails to motivate me and make me proud to have a dad like that
4. Don’t You Forget About Me
I tell people I like to think about stuff at night, so they leave me alone, but it’s really an excuse for the time I take to cry about everything that I hate about myself. I just don’t want anyone to worry about it.
5. The Grass Isn’t Always Greener
I can’t admit vulnerability and I have really bad social anxiety a lot of the time. I’m constantly afraid that I annoy the people around me by existing and I have terrible self-image despite basically being a normal person. I’m kind of messed up. I constantly think I’m better than people and hate it when people (even my friends) succeed in something that I can’t do myself. I catch myself thinking this frequently—not that it helps. I would NEVER kill myself, but I think about it a lot, and I’m afraid of failing.
6. Missing In Action
I’ve been stood up by the last seven women who have agreed to go out with me. The being stood up was immediately followed by being ghosted. Honestly, I’d rather just hear “no.”
7. Without Passion
I have no major passions, no drive to improve myself, and no drive to get out and connect with folks other than strangers on the internet. I have been depressed before and went to a therapist to help get my head sorted out, and I don’t believe that I am falling back into depression, I just feel like I’m in a car driving along a flat, boring, endless road, and can’t turn the wheel. 23 years in, and this is my life.
As a funny, lighthearted break from the sadness, my most embarrassing story is when I was 15 and went in to for my first kiss, I got nervous and headbutted the girl clean off of the park bench we were sitting on. So laugh, and smile at my expense in this thread that is lined with sad stories, because everyone has a memory that they can laugh at and help get themselves through another crappy day.
8. Don’t Let Me Be a Bother
My Grandpa died two days ago. I’m halfway across the world and I didn’t want to bring down anyone’s day.
9. In the Dumps
I was dumped for the first time ever about a week ago and good God did it suck. The worst part was she left me for her ex and these insecurities I have just rushed up to the surface.
10. Stranger in a Strange Land
My deepest secret is terrible.
I am in a spiral now, I think of ending it almost every week. Recovering alcoholic. Living in a foreign country where I don’t speak the local language, I am trying but it’s really hard. It’s been almost four years now, I can’t go back because there’s almost nothing left for me. The only person from home I rarely talk to is my sister; we exchange a text or she checks up on me every couple of months.
Like all expats, I can’t stay unless I have a job and I am tired of my work. I do enjoy it from time to time, but it’s mentally demanding and I feel like I am losing all hope. I have managed to make it ten days tops before I drink, that’s the only way I can curl up and cry. I don’t want to do this anymore. Wish I can be on a farm somewhere.
I make enough to pay the rent, bills, Netflix, and all other stuff that comes with it, but I would gladly live for less. I want to live somewhere near the coast where I can have a small diner and I can wake up in the morning and serve coffee, eggs, and toast to people. Make little, spend a little. Get a dog, read a book as I go to sleep.
This is the first time I’ve managed to write this and it’s a Tuesday morning that I started by pouring whiskey in coffee. Every day is a struggle and it’s only getting harder and I don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel. I have a wallpaper on my phone with the poem from The Grey: “Once more into the fray, into the last good fight I’ll ever know. Live and die on this day, live and die on this day.”
11. Two Times the Tragedy
I’m constantly stressing over my mom and dog, both were diagnosed with cancer last month. It’s just not anything that I feel comfortable with bringing up to friends.
12. It’s a Lot of Work to Be This Sad
Been depressed most my adult life, manufactured a recovery story because I was sick and tired of upsetting my parents so much and being an emotional burden on people. I have a sweet life, awesome apartment, decent car and work my butt off. I won’t even get a new partner because it wouldn’t be fair to them to deal with it. The only reason I get up in the morning is because maybe someone will try to delight me and then I will get to feel something.
13. Making Do With What I Got
I’m technically homeless with no High School diploma or GED, attempting to take care of my mother who’s had multiple strokes. I try as little as possible to talk about it with people that are close to me, but it takes up a large portion of my life. I just don’t want to burden people with my problems.
14. Burn Me Once, Shame On Me
I still have a hard time approaching girls because of my last rejection. It hurt my self-esteem and confidence pretty badly. That’s a deep secret that it’s hard to ever share.
15. Not Funny
People think that I’m some unfeeling person that doesn’t care what is said to them, but the constant “jokes” and comments really hurt.
16. All You Need Is Love
When I had around a year sober (I did it all), I was 19 in sober living and for some reason couldn’t find happiness in anything. I decided I couldn’t be sober anymore but I refused to go back to who I was (I know I was young but trust me I was bad, meth will do that) so obviously, my solution was to kill myself. It’s still my deepest secret.
I tried to hang myself, thankfully my best friend who lived there as well caught me shortly after I blacked out and cut me down. He took my belt, knives etc. and stayed on top of me dealing with my mental health and saved my life. The positive note being while I still struggle I’m doing better coming up on my three years sober and am content with my life, got a car and an apartment and am in a relationship better than I could have dreamed of with a woman who supports me with care and understanding.
Shout out to my best friend for not having me 5150’d, which would have made things worse. Also, this was not my first attempt, just the most recent and the one that had the most profound effect because it was unsuccessful due to someone saving me and showing me immediate unconditional love.
17. Left Behind
I am getting divorced because I couldn’t grow with my wife. Mostly because of depression. I let a little more of me slip every day, until I was a mean, jealous husk of a man. She grew spectacularly—lost 100 pounds and worked her way up the corporate ladder in remarkable time. But I couldn’t enjoy it at all.
Every time I saw her become a better person, it just made it harder to like myself because I couldn’t fathom enjoying life enough to want to make things better. As I fell into a pit of self-loathing, I watched her ascend to a healthy adult life and I couldn’t stand her for it. Eventually, she had enough. Started looking for love outside of the marriage. It’s been two weeks. I miss her.
18. Who’s Next?
I know my deep secret isn’t much of a secret, but…
Everyone I know is dying right now. Either from old age or taking that final initiative. If they’re not punching their tickets, they’re inflicting impossible injuries on themselves. And due to a lifetime of conditioning, it really feels like I’m the cause.
19. Rising Above It Is Hard
I was relatively privileged growing up in that my parents were just alcoholics instead of alcoholics AND meth heads. My father went away to make more money for us, so he wasn’t around as much as I wanted him to be and now I slightly resent him and my mother for it. I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship when I was in my late teens that was bad for both parties. I don’t know if I grew a fear of abandonment from her or from my parents.
I was pretty mediocre as a student but ended up going to community college and then transferring and earning a full scholarship and becoming an honors student at my university. I secretly hate academic life, though. It can be terribly isolating at times, even with all the people you meet. I started doing addy and oxy and drinking alcohol when I got to college too. I can’t really tell you why that I do those things. I guess to validate myself? I don’t know. I’ll never know why I am like this.
Now I’m 21, still in school. I self-harm and write bad poetry in my free time. I’m not exactly suicidal, but not living wouldn’t be worse than constantly obsessing over every single little person that comes into my life. I’m not going to go to counseling services out of fear of being sent away. I’m also never going to tell my parents. So I’m just going to keep doing whatever for now. Whatever really isn’t so bad though.
20. Stuck in the Past
I love my ex too much and I can’t let go. I tried to let go, but then I realized I don’t want to.
21. Checkpoints vs. Chicks
After moving to the US four years ago I’ve regressed so far socially. All through my life I was quite popular and always had friends to hang out with, was never afraid to talk to girls that I was attracted to, etc. But since I moved to start freshman year I didn’t really make any friends til the end of junior year. Also, talking to girls? Forget it. Instead, I’ve put more hours into video games in these last four years than the previous 14 in my life.
It’s better now, but I find myself driving for hours each night thinking I could have done so much better and not wasted high school playing video games, and instead making experiences with people that I can actually see and aren’t just voices on the internet. I’m just glad that my life has been relatively easy compared to many.
22. Happy Birthday to Me
On my birthday last year, I sat in my bedroom hoping to hear from a friend, maybe wanting to hang out. I waited around, all dressed and ready to go for a few hours, before crying and going to bed. Even saw that a couple of my closest friends went out to dinner and to a bar, but I wasn’t invited.
23. I Have to Do This Alone
I have cancer. I’m probably not going to outlive it. I broke up with the love of my life because of it and said there was someone else. I lost a lot of friends over it and I’ll never tell a soul. I wasn’t meant to make her happy and it was harder to do than dealing with the fact that I have cancer. I’d rather them think I’m just another shitty guy than face the sadness. I’m doing better now. Trying to just enjoy whatever is left.
24. Growing Pains
Mom died of cancer in 2008, and dad died of a heart attack in 2015. Since then, the family’s felt less loving and more “We’re obligated to help you grow up because we owe your parents.” Sister’s always been a jerk, but she’s the jerk who makes good choices, is about to graduate in a year and doesn’t do incredibly dumb stuff like drop out of college unannounced, unlike me.
Had my first crush in high school. She rejected my affections, before accepting my buddy’s the following day, which has done wonders for my self-esteem. The next lucky lady in my sights got pregnant from her secret boyfriend, the one after that sort of had mental issues and basically disappeared from the face of the earth, and the latest one has had more girlfriends than I.
It’s one thing to not have parents, but it’s another to want to love and be loved by someone, only to be rejected in one form or another time and time again. It is tiring, frustrating, and depressing. Nights are cold, and I hug my pillow in desperate bids to not die from the solitude.
25. Trusting Is Hard To Do
I had a very physically abusive childhood; my stepdad would ensure that I lived in absolute fear from the ages of 4 til 11 when he finally left. But you never really stop fearing a person who has left when they’ve forced so much trauma on you during your early years. When I told my mother about the abuse she said she didn’t believe me, but later told me that she knew the whole time. She just didn’t do anything about it.
I moved around the country a lot during these years too, so I never made friends, I never learned how to connect with people.
Once I hit secondary school I was an emotional shutoff. I barely spoke, and I made my best efforts to just be alone. Of course, this only makes you a target for bullies. School staff didn’t do anything despite witnessing the acts, my mother at this time was a speed (drug, not racing) addict and spent a lot of time either dealing the drug or sleeping with random guys she found. She would often say she had to relieve the stress her kids forced upon her.
The only solace I really had was sitting alone in my bedroom, in a falling-apart grimey house. Occasionally some people at school would attempt to befriend me, but I was so untrusting by that point that I assumed every social interaction was a trick. I lived in a constant and deep depression, I never went out to have fun, I only ever had pens and paper for entertainment. Once school was finished my mother often used me as a drug mule, saying no to this only made my life harder.
At 19, I had the opportunity to escape from that life, but I had no life skills and struggled a lot for a while before eventually getting on my feet a bit. I now have my life together, with a job I like and a good income. However, socializing is still a huge task for me. Even slightly trusting a person doesn’t come easy to me. Some people know that I had a rough past, but don’t know the extent of it. I tell people that I have my own coping mechanisms and that I left it all in the past, but this is false, and I will still fall into a deep depression at times. Panic attacks are also somewhat frequent.
However, the worst part of it all is that I am unable to cut my mother completely out of my life. I have confronted her about everything, but she will deny it, and even turn it around on me. Yet I cannot cut off the avenues of contact. I will even visit her every few months to “keep the peace” and act like everything is fine and happy.
Any attempts at cutting her out of my life just lead to another panic attack and immense guilt. Maybe it’s because she was the only real constant (even if a terrible one) in my life? I find that it helps to share this every now and then online, but I don’t share with people I know because I don’t want the pity.
26. Old Enough to Know When You’ve Been Wronged
When I was 15, I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. Everyone wrote it off as “You’re just young, it’s not a big deal” and then when I got the confidence to tell a close friend six years later that it still bothers me, they told me to man up, because it was a real abusive relationship because I was only a child, so now I don’t ever bring it up.
27. Out of the Closet, But In It Alone
Just got out of a five-year relationship that we kept hidden because his family is homophobic. Plus, my best friend stopped talking to me, and I don’t know why. Also, I moved to a new city, and I’ve never felt so alone in my life.
28. What’s Up, Pussycat?
I think my cat is dying and I really don’t think I’m going to handle it well when I lose him.
29. Meal Ticket
Had someone that I had hung out with for a while and thought we were going to be good friends. Looked at her phone and my name in it was “Free Food” and apparently, she would just hit me up when she was hungry. That one stung.
30. Just Beat It
Pornography is destroying my life and has been since I was 14. I’m 26 now and I can’t stop. So I’m in a downward spiral of depression and anxiety that gets worse every day as I beat myself up with regret and not being the man I should be. I just put on a happy face around people to mask my emptiness.
31. Brothers Are Forever
This was when I was a little kid, it was only me my mom and my brother who was dying, dad left us because “it was too much responsibility to take care of us.” I loved my bro. He would always be there even in the moments when we were living with our crazy aunt and she used to hit us and lock us in a dark room. When my brother died I had nothing to remember him by, except his TMNT toys, and I would play with them all day.
I didn’t have a photo of us because when we moved to a new city we got mugged and lost a lot of things, including boxes with photos of us. One day while I was playing with my bro’s toys I managed to open a TMNT lunch box and there it was a photo of my Bro, his toys and me, I was as happy as a little kid could get, I showed it to my mom and she also got happy.
She grabbed the photo and went to make it bigger, a couple days later my mom got back with a huge envelope, when she opens the thing it was a giant version of the photo, only that it was the toys and my brother. I asked where was I? She gave me the strip of the photo of me that was cut up and told me “This is to remember your brother, not you.” I went to my room while holding the cut out, went under my bed looked at my cut of self and started crying and kept repeating over and over again “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
32. Waiting for Something
Not really a story. I’m just tired of feeling like a failure and disappointing my family. I kinda just want to die, but I can’t kill myself because my mom thinks people who commit suicide are weak. So I just kinda wish someone would do it for me.
33. And Then There Was One
I feel as though I’ve been left behind. All my friends I know in real life are gone. They either left for uni, jobs, started families etc., and no longer talk to me. My best friend from school stung the most though. After his kid was born, I went around to his house with a card and gift. He turned me away at the door and has not spoken to me since. I have friends online and stuff, but my local social life is nonexistent now. I try to be stoic about it, but deep down it’s just lonely.
34. A Big Weight to Carry
I’m tall and decent looking but I’m also a try-hard/needy/lonely guy so I tend to attract girls with baggage and have relationships that last just long enough for me to fall in love before I get dumped.
35. Hello Darkness My Old Friend
Lost the girl I loved more than anything by being a clingy, drunk jerk. Which caused my depression to come back for the first time in two years.
36. Misery Hates Company
Just a few years ago, almost every day there were times I would just feel very, very down, I felt like I was all alone, the world around me was so empty of sound and color and I felt like I wanted to cry. Yet all I did was sit there staring ahead of me. I have never told anyone about these long bouts of loneliness, and these days I have mostly conquered them. I did see it all as weakness and I really don’t want help with it, seeing what other things people might find out. There are some things I will not tell here.
37. Runaway Bride
I just married my best friend and she left me three weeks after the wedding. This just happened and a still trying to process.
38. Is There a Brake Signal for Crying?
For a few years, I’d take drives at night just so I could pull off the side of the road and cry. No reason in particular, just life being sort of depressing at that point. I couldn’t let my friends or family see me like that. My GF at the time had mentioned to me how she’d lost respect for one of her male friends for his being “overly emotional” about something, so I just avoided any discussions about feelings with her. Looking back, I get that she was just a bad person, but the threat of people losing respect for you if you display emotional “weakness” as a man is a legitimate issue.
39. The War at Home
This started in January of 2017. I’m still dealing with the effects today. My dad cheated on my mom with a woman who took him off his meds. Which caused a domestic violence dispute where I ran out of the house calling 911. I went into hiding for a couple of days not wearing shoes or even having my wallet. Then months of more screaming and yelling every night.
My cat died during that time. I also failed student teaching during that time. I tried it again in the fall and failed student teaching twice. That bruja my dad messed with messaged me and tried to lure me somewhere to do God knows what. My mom has gone nuts and thrown stuff and yelled at me for no reason even though I technically saved you that one night, Mom.
I’m broke poor working minimum wage while trying to take classes to get a degree in absolute garbage. I don’t have enough money to buy a car for myself. My brother fails all his classes and won’t say what’s wrong with anything. My dad has been on meds since February of last year and hasn’t worked since January because he’s a freaking bum and won’t get even a part-time job.
He says he can’t work because he’s in anger management classes but still, he can work in a store or something but no he won’t swallow his freaking pride so his family doesn’t have to suffer financially. I’m in financial hell. All my friends and family think I’m crazy and they don’t know my struggles or anything I’ve been through. I go to church every week and ask God what have I done to deserve this? I live in a broken home and all of my dreams FREAKING DIED. So thanks, dad. I hope you’re freaking proud of what you did.
40. Sick of It
Probably going to be buried, but whatever. Good chance to get this off of my chest. By all measures, I’ve had quite a privileged life, given that I come from a working-class family. Heck, I even made it into an amazing private university. Coming from a time and place where the people at the food bank would occasionally give us more than the other people since we were so poor, I really can’t complain.
But my God, these past few years have been difficult. College, while I’ve been immensely privileged to attend, has also been utter garbage. And it’s not the university. It’s life circumstances. During the time that I’ve been in college, my own health has deteriorated quite a bit. Chronic diseases are a nightmare, to put it mildly.
This has made it incredibly difficult to manage school. And because I can’t afford enough tests to get an official diagnosis, I’ve gone through four years of college with zero assistance, even though I would be entitled to it. Though reasonably, the doctor that I see and I both know that I have EDS and likely fibromyalgia, as I have virtually every symptom of both, and they both run in the family.
My mom’s health has also steadily gone downhill. My stepdad was hit by a car on his way to work and was lucky to survive (the doctors had given him about a 10% chance of living and not being a vegetable). But, he suffers from a severe TBI. My uncle very unexpectedly dropped dead last year. I’m just so freaking tired of life being an uphill battle constantly. I’m tired of being in chronic pain. I cannot remember the last time that I was pain-free (excluding those times that I’ve had too much to drink). And it just gets worse every year. And I’m a young adult, with decades of life ahead of me. I have to say, I’m really not looking forward to the future.
41. Men Can Like to Be Affectionate Too!
I was in an eight-year relationship with a girlfriend who wasn’t a huge fan of cuddling. I woke up one night to find she was spooning me. It felt really nice, because she rarely did it, if ever. I asked her if she could do it more often and told her it made me feel really nice. She said probably not. I’m glad we broke up.
42. Gone Too Soon
After my father left, my mother and sister were very depressed. My mother spoke every night about how much she wanted her life to be over. My sister took up cutting her own wrists and almost ODed on purpose with her meds. I had to pretend to enjoy life and enjoy hearing about all of their issues with no one for me to talk to. I thought about ending it all often but couldn’t abandon my family like my father did.
It was at this time I started working with my grandfather. He was one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. I spent countless hours learning so many amazing things that only an old person who grew up fixing their own equipment could know. He was finally someone I could trust to help me become a better man in every sense of the word. He was what I wished my father could have been.
As he grew older his mind began to slip. He would go days without getting any real sleep, always worrying about small issues that most of us wouldn’t even think twice about. After a series of extremely stressful events, he couldn’t take it anymore. He waited til we were alone on his property, walked up to where he asked me to wait, and blew his brains out with a .38 special. I didn’t see him do it directly, but I knew what he had done. I’ve never been so scared in my entire life, trying to hope it wasn’t him but knowing that around any tree was the corpse of the man I loved so much.
I finally found him laying just behind his favorite fountain. I had to call my own grandmother to tell her that she was a widow. I can never tell this story to anyone. My grandfather was the greatest man I ever knew. What killed him was an illness of the mind, not his own will. I can never tell this story because I won’t let anyone think poorly of my grandfather.
43. Matters of the Mind
All my friends and family know that I’ve had a few concussions, but what they don’t know is that it’s really affecting my brain.
I can’t remember anything. If it’s not written down, I will probably forget to do it. Its always things I need to do, or stuff I need to get at the store etc., I’m not forgetting names or where I am or anything. I also have a terrible time with getting distracted, like right now. I used to be able to concentrate on a task for hours on end, but now I can get sidetracked so easily.
I play off my forgetfulness as a joke, but it’s getting worse and I’m getting scared.
44. Forbidden Furry Friends
Since nobody would even try to believe me when a related topic came up in the outside world, there are these 4 opossums that come to my garage every time I’m in there alone with it open and they act just like domesticated cats until I shoo them out to leave. I have no clue why they’re only comfortable with me and don’t beg/scour for food, but I named the dominant one Sputnik.
45. The Sting of Pride
I’ve been living in my car for almost a year. I leave work and come back when everyone is gone. Use the Wi-Fi, pretend everything’s okay. Money is tight right now for me, but I often wonder if my pride might become the death of me.
46. Who Knows Where You’ll Find “The One”
I married a stranger from Reddit for visa purposes and she has changed my life (in a good way).
47. Confronting Your Worst Fears
In August I was diagnosed with colon cancer that has spread. I had surgery and am doing chemo but the goal is remission, not cure, I am terminal. My friends and family do not want to hear this. What I don’t tell them is that I am scared—incredibly scared and need to talk about this. I am having terrible mood swings, which could be the drugs. I’m tired of trying to comfort other people about my illness.
48. Finding the Right Words
I love my family.
For some reason, I cannot handle saying “I love you” to my parents even though I really do. It carries some strange kind of weight, I feel like it might expose my emotional weakness… and they raised me in a way that allows me to handle the world by myself.
19. It’s Just a Game!
That I play D&D. My parents are still on the “dnd leads kids to satan and/or witchcraft” bandwagon and threatened to kick me out when I asked if I could try playing it at home. Although, they only know the NAME of the game, not what it actually looks like, so as long nothing I use for it explicitly says “Dungeons and Dragons” they couldn’t care less.
49. Sticky Situation
I’m terrified of stickers and patterned tape. I don’t know why, I don’t remember any particular trauma? But they freak me out. I saw the thumbnail for a video of a guy eating stickers in a dark alley yesterday and I literally almost threw up. This is why I can never work with kids.
50. Collegiate Blues
I’ve been at community college for about 2 or 3 months, and I’m tired of it. Job hunting is stressful, and reminding me every time I visit doesn’t help. I have no clue what I want to do with my life, and I don’t feel like I’m in control of it. I just wanna give up.
51. Father Doesn’t Know Best
That I’m ashamed of my father. He’s a 43-year-old man with a drug problem who still lives with his mother. He’s rude, kinda racist, can’t keep a job, a know it all, and just creepy. Everyone has that creepy uncle but my dad is the creepy uncle.
52. **Fingers Crossed**
I’ve just purchased an engagement ring for my partner, and plan to propose in a month’s time.
53. We’ve All Had Those Days
I once sat through an entire movie without realizing that I had left my car running in the parking lot.
54. Keeping Up Appearances
I’m not actually away at grad school hanging out with new friends and students who share the same interests. All those pictures I post on Instagram are faked. Same with stories of people and lunches and nights up studying.
I’m an au pair who has zero friends and is so deeply in debt that I couldn’t afford grad school if I wanted to. Also have no idea what I want to do for a career in contrast to my family thinking I’m going into academia.
55. They Wouldn’t Understand
I was a professional Dominatrix in London when I was between jobs. I am otherwise a veterinarian.
56. Losing Your Religion
My religion has been a source of strength and comfort for decades. I am no longer certain of my faith, and it feels like I’m standing on a cracking foundation.
57. Thank Goodness They At Least Have Each Other
Me and my partner haven’t had a place to call home for almost 4 years now. It’s got to the point where we don’t even know if we’ll be able to eat tonight.
58. You and Me Both
How genuinely worried I am about my future.
59. Standing Up For Yourself
That I’m done being the black sheep, and that I want to be included, invited, and loved and praised just as much as my other siblings.
60. A Double-Edged (And Possibly Stolen) Sword
My deep secrets is somewhat positive. But I still don’t share it.
I’m proud that I’ve almost completely kicked my kleptomania… but they’d just focus on the fact that I stole at all.
61. Trying to Find Help
How bad my depression has gotten. I don’t have money for a therapist and they won’t contribute as they think I’m just feeling down. I wish I was just feeling down.
62. The Horrors of War
That I have repressed around 6 firefights that I’ve been in, in which I killed people. Like I said, I have repressed the memories and they only came back last year when I spoke to an old military buddy. He was doing the whole “Hey, remember when we were in Kuwait and got into that running gun battle with the Republican guards?.”
I laughed and told him no, that he has me mistaken for someone else. A long silence, then a few more questions about other incidents…then everything came back and hit me like a tidal wave. I cried for a few days after that, and the memories haunt me. I never want my daughter to know that I am responsible for killing other human beings.
I have been working with a psychiatrist and a PTSD counselor, and it has helped.
63. Sometimes You Need a Weekend to Yourself
That I genuinely hate having to drive 3 hours nearly every weekend to see my family for “planned events.” The moment I decline anything I get yelled at. Can’t I just be at home, walk around naked, drink beer, and play video games? IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK MOM!?
64. Hard to Say Goodbye to the Things We Love
I don’t want to play video games anymore. But I’d feel guilty if I quit, because I’d be letting myself down. It’s a part of me that I don’t want to let go of yet.
65. We All Have that Playlist With BTS and Girls’ Generation, Right?
That I love K-Pop. I just know my family and girlfriend would make fun of me for telling them. However on Reddit I can engage with other fans and have a great time.
Everyone is entitled to their secrets. The cost of keeping them, however, is sometimes too hard to bear. Good thing the Internet exists to be a virtual confession booth, where people can unburden their mental (and sometimes literal) crimes to the world under the protection of anonymity. Reddit gave these special people a chance to share their deepest thoughts and anxieties. Indulge in 42 stories about the most painful (and just painfully embarrassing) things we just needed to get off our chests.
66. Choose Your Own Adventure. Or Don’t.
I can’t settle on what I want to do with my life. I’ve tried different types of jobs and looked into different lines of work. I want to go back to school but can’t decide for what. It’s super frustrating, and I feel incredibly stuck.
67. I Don’t Have the Power
If I come to disconnect your gas or electricity or fit a money meter because you haven’t paid, I’M NOT THE BAD GUY. I try to help you but even before I’ve knocked on your door, you’ve had visits, letters, warnings, an invitation to the court regarding your account, the works.
Yet every day, I get abuse and hate because I’m the face on your doorstep. I want to arrange an agreement. I understand financial hardship and I have so much information for you if you’d just listen or let me help you.
You don’t get free gas or electric. That’s not your right.
68. You Can’t Inherit Charm
I’ve come to the undeniable realization recently that many of the people around me like my family but don’t really like me. My brother is, for whatever reason, extremely likable—I’m a girl but I see a lot of resemblance personality-wise between us—and people just gravitate towards him but are only cordial towards me.
69. Writing Yourself to Life
I’m clinging to my hope of finally publishing my novel one day and actually making some decent money. It’ll be the time when my adult life finally begins. I’m turning 30 this year. And yes, I know it’s unlikely that I’ll actually have a decent career as a writer, but just imagining it keeps me going and is one of the reasons I’m still alive.
70. Cut the Umbilical Cord
I disconnected contact with my mother at the beginning of last year. Then she and her husband went on a campaign of sending me abusive and harassing messages by using different numbers and creating new social media profiles every time I blocked them. I feel like I had a malignant tumor removed. The true confession part of this is that I’m relieved not to be saddled with caring for that toxic old witch or cleaning out her hoarder house when she dies.
71. Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bridal Water
I want to leave my wife, but I don’t want to lose my kid.
72. More Than One Loss
I’m meant to be the daddy to triplets, but my wife miscarried and lost all three. I’ve been too caught up in making sure she’s ok to have even had a chance to process this myself.
73. Is This the Real Life? Is This Just a Newsfeed?
I feel lonely. It’s not that I’m alone per se, just the people in my life suddenly seem so superficial and distant. Scrolling through social media especially, I get a feeling of disconnect because of how artificial and impersonal everything is. I hate this feeling of disdain for people I should genuinely care about but I’m worried that if I ignore it, I’ll be sacrificing my own authenticity. Maybe I’m just a bad person.
74. You and Everyone Else
I listen to lots of free podcasts and never contribute in any way to them financially as a means of repayment for my enjoyment. I am a monster.
I usually also skip over the ads. I’m ashamed.
75. A Bottle A Day
I detest my job so much that it takes an enormous effort to show up every day… and I think I have a drinking problem, but drinking is one of the few joys in my life.
76. A Miseducation
School gives me anxiety now. I just want to stay in bed all day. I’ve always been the perfect kid, the goody two shoes, the A+ student and I really don’t want to disappoint my parents but I want to throw up just thinking of waking up and going.
77. That’s Why They Call It “The One”
It’s been two years and I feel incapable of getting over my ex. I’ve tried to date so many other people but never feel anything close to that connection I had with my ex, even on our first date. I’ve tried to hold out, not everyone will spark right away but they seem to fall for me and it pains me to hurt them in the same way I’ve been hurt.
Not something I’ve got anyone to speak to about but taking steps to get some professional help.
78. The Bleeding Embarrassment
If you have a weak stomach, or don’t like reading about periods, scroll on.
I started my period when I was about nine, and nine-year-olds are obviously not the most hygienic responsible people. My mom also didn’t often put me in clothes that fit, or any clothes I was comfortable in. I was a weird child, I hated having panties touch me. This, accompanied by the fact that tampons were pretty foreign to my family, put me in some uncomfortable situations. Like the time I was being made to wear a GIANT pad, in shorts, in public.
Nothing was pulled up to where it was supposed to be placed… I was uncomfortable, and I fidgeted the whole time we were grocery shopping…. and suddenly, I was just comfortable… I got home, and my pad was gone… it fell out down in one of the grocery store aisles. I’ve never mentioned this to ANYONE.
79. Never Too Late
I’m 21 and never had a relationship or even been kissed. Also, I didn’t have any friends from the age of ten onward. I am so lonely but at this point, I prefer the loneliness I know to things changing. Change freaks me out
I have gotten better in the last years, found some internet friends, got on anti-depressants, and went back to university. But yeah, the issues around relationships run deeper than that. I’m also FTM transgender, and as you can imagine it doesn’t exactly improve my confidence when it comes to dating.
80. A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Air Miles
For my Star of the Week presentation in third grade, I posted a photo of me beneath a pagoda and told everyone I went to Japan, but really, it was just Epcot.
81. See Ya Later, Grim Reaper!
I recently turned 60. Suddenly, it seemed like everything hurt. My knee. My back. I have lifted and run for years. Wrestled and ju-jitsu for years. Thought that’s all over. Then yesterday I got with some old friends. Wound up wrestling for several hours and had a blast. I… am… not…dead… yet.
82. The Sickness Inside
I think my medication is causing me to have anxiety attacks and I feel as though I have no control over it. I started taking medication to treat a potential autoimmune condition (joint pain, diarrhea, ANA markers) about five weeks ago and it is not helping yet. I have struggled with depression and mild anxiety for the past five years.
I am 19 and am studying engineering, and I am too young for this. I struggle to relax fully, and I am scared that I will not be able to be an engineer if this doesn’t get better. I just need to talk to someone about it (working on that) since I bottle everything up. Thanks for reading, have a nice day.
83. Less Money, More Problems
I owe the IRS $200 and it has to be paid by the end of the month. I also owe $160 to my old job and I have to pay it by next week or else they send to collections. I also am unemployed, desperately seeking work. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared.
84. At Least You Learned
Just a few years ago, I was an openly homophobic moron.
I no longer have those views. At all. I am ashamed that I ever thought that way. Ashamed and embarrassed.
85. No Means Never
My girlfriend broke up with me a week and a half ago. We had broken up for a day or two a few weeks before, but we reconciled, and for the next few weeks, everything was good. I met her grandparents, who she said loved me more than any other boy they’ve met. We had some really great positive moments from then, until a week and a half ago, when I hadn’t seen her for a few days and came over one night to sleep over and noticed she had this blank look on her face.
I gently touched her face and asked what was wrong when she uttered those awful words: “I think we should break up.” She gave me some smaller reasons about why she felt that way but ultimately felt like I wasn’t someone she saw herself spending her life with. She asked me to leave and since then I have felt so broken inside. I’ve been through this kind of heartache before, and knew I should just leave it, but I love her with every fiber of my being and just had to reach out after a week or so.
She answered my call and reiterated what she said. I then broke down again and texted her earlier today, too much of the same conversation except this time she was yelling telling me how much of a turnoff it is for me to be so self-centered to keep trying to reconcile and that she doesn’t want to be with me, ever. So, yeah. I know I should have just kept no contact this entire time, but my emotions got the better of me.
Maybe it’s because it was her birthday yesterday. I wished so badly to spend it with her. Now I’m left to pick up the pieces and try and make myself happy in the moment. Just hurts to be told they don’t love you anymore.
86. So Tell Us How You Met!
A guy confessed that he stalked a lady for a year by hacking her love interest’s computer, planted a load of proof that love interest had been stalking her and was into a load of weird and creepy stuff, revealed it to the lady, helped girl to get a preventing order on love interest, used that as his own way in with the girl, and finally married her. what the actual f***.
87. Loophole in the System
A while back now a guy went into my parents’ house and attacked a friend of ours, once the police arrived they said it wasn’t considered B&E because the door was unlocked and no one over the age of 18 told him to leave. I’ve wanted to just go around my neighborhood walking in and slightly moving s*** in other people’s houses since.
88. Buried Treasure
The guy that found a safe, never let us know what was inside. What’s in the thing? Answers we need to know.
89. Lock Your Doors
Wasn’t there a guy who confessed that he would go into people’s houses if they left their door unlocked? IIRC, he would check doors, if they weren’t locked he’d let himself in and just sort of wander around their house looking at their stuff and sometimes helping himself to their food.
90. Taking It to the Next Level
That Canadian guy that confessed to murdering his girlfriend was pretty messed up.
91. Dark Past
The one where the guy confessed to burning his house down accidentally as a kid, which killed his family. Still haunts me.
92. Choose Your Friends Wisely…
Man killed his sister’s abusive boyfriend by poisoning his heroin stash and got away with it.
93. A Little Self Awareness Goes a Long Way
There’s multiple examples of guys that are stalking a girl but are so deluded they don’t think they are stalking her, and they post to r/legaladvice and r/relationships asking for advice on how to continue stalking. Sad and creepy.
94. Tough Justice
That guy who travelled far away SOLELY to beat up a guy who scammed him online, and turned him into a paranoid cripple.
95. Close Encounters of the Odd Kind
The story of a guy who met this creepy guy who seemed inhuman named Jimmy C. Who claimed to have committed suicide by jumping off a bridge and that he was meant to kill him. He’s gonna kill him the next time he sees him and he’ll be driving a black Mercedes with the license plate UTOPIA.
96. A Different Kind of Secret
Not really “creepy”, but somebody posted about the time they farted directly in a child’s face in a supermarket, because the kid was being an annoying little brat.
97. Deadly Mistake
That apartment manager who thought he accidentally killed a dozen people via carbon monoxide poisoning. Then someone else found an article that ruled the deaths weren’t caused by negligence.
98. Always Read the Ingredients…
The one that still bothers my sleep is the guy who accidentally cooked his girlfriend’s cat. I can’t find the thread anymore, but I felt bad for the guy because I like animals and I could see something like what happened to him happening to me, so I always double check my oven before turning it on. I think he was engaged and she dumped him.
99. Survivor’s Guilt
I remember one where the guy as a joke, while driving with 4 friends, reached over and jerked the steering wheel to mess with his buddy. The car crashed, killing the other 3 people, but left him alive. He never told anyone he caused it and has to live with it every day.
100. Just Plain Sad
Not a confession, but the creepiest thing/link/post I have ever seen on reddit was the link to the audio file of the jonestown suicide thing where you can hear the kids crying because they don’t want to take the cyanide pill. The parents are promising them it will be all right, but they are literally killing their kids on tape.
101. Unwanted Visitor
There was a guy who sold his house with an underground bunker attached to it or something like that. He proceeded to continue living in the bunker for an extended period of time, coming and going at night, unbeknownst to the new home owners.
102. A Strange Sight
Guy relieves himself in a urinal only to see an eyeball in the drain.
103. Not So Anonymous Anymore
Some guy casually talking about being unfaithful to his wife.
Curious, I glanced at his comment history. And recognized him.
104. Family Strife
Somebody said that he was supposed to cheat with his fiancé’s best friend the night before their wedding, but she died in a car accident on the way to the hotel.
105. That Escalated Quickly
When I was in middle school (about I’d say 11/12) one of my male classmates made friends with a college student at some 4H club. He invited him into a middle-school group chat on AIM and the guy proceeded to contact nearly every girl in there, talk to them romantically, and set up dates. I was an over-confident middle schooler and knew he was a creep, and even still?
I was kind of flattered by the attention for a little while, so I get how he was gaining actual traction. He’d go as far as to say he loved each girl and would offer to dress like he was younger so no one would mind. He bought us cigarettes and booze, which was cool, but that was about it. He disappeared after it came out that he was assaulting his cousin. Yerp, people are the worst.
106. Two Times the Toot
Two years ago, I absent-mindedly ripped a silent-but-deadly fart at work that was absolutely venomous. At the same time, another co-worker ripped a little baby toot. Everybody was laughing at him when our boss walked in the room right into my poison cloud. I let him take the fall.
107. Stuck in the Middle
In six days, I’m officiating the wedding of the girl I love. Spoiler alert, she’s not marrying me. I thought I was handling it well, but tonight I read her vows, and it crushed me inside. We’re longtime friends, and I’m still glad I decided to say yes when she asked me to do the ceremony, but damn I thought I had gotten over feeling like this.
To forestall the inevitable comments about it, she knows how I feel about her. We sat down and had a serious conversation about it a while ago, and I respect that she doesn’t feel the same about me.
Still feels bad, though.
108. That’s Why They Call It “Crushing”
So there’s this girl, and when I get to work with her, it’s the best thing going in my life. But at the same time, I hate myself around her cause I just ache for her validation. I overshare and under-empathise. When I stop and take a step back, I realize how its not helpful. And I’m putting her on a pedestal. And that from my discussions with her we have so little in common outside work and I’m nothing she is looking for in a friend, let alone a boyfriend.
Still, I ache like a pathetic teenager.
109. Bun in the Oven & None in the Bank
My wife is 36 weeks pregnant, and I am terrified I won’t be a good dad. I am trying to keep it cool and look as if I’m really excited about it.
But in reality, this is getting me, and the prospect of being responsible of a little human when I can’t get my own stuff together… is just extremely terrifying.
110. A Missing Link in the Family Tree
My great-grandma cheated on my great-grandpa and sired my grandpa. My grandpa died never having known his true parentage. My great-grandma spilled her guts to my mom (her granddaughter) at her son’s (my grandpa’s) funeral. My mom spilled her guts to me when I was older. Only a handful people know that one.
111. The Seven-Year Itch That You Won’t Scratch
I’ve been with my partner for more than seven years and I’m not sure if we are together because it’s “too late to break up,” or because we are both scared of starting again with another person.
112. Straight to the Source
One time a co-worker came into my office and said, “Hey, I just wanna warn you, don’t go into the bathroom for a while. It smells like somebody died in there.” It was me.
113. At You Learned Something at School
I’ve just completed my first day as a teacher and already I’m questioning my life choices.
114. A Lesson in Survival
I’m currently in school, and I think I’m on the verge of failing all my classes simultaneously. I’ve been having trouble staying up during the night, which is how I used to get things done after a long day of classes and a part-time job. Now I’m stressed, working but making less money, and not getting everything done that I need to get done.
115. Never Enough Time to Heal
My three-year-old daughter died 17 years ago today. It doesn’t feel that long ago. I miss her.
116. Breaking Free
I’m leaving my emotionally abusive boyfriend after he leaves for work today. I’m scared, but I finally feel enough is enough.
117. Left on Read
I didn’t talk to my best friend for a week before she died by suicide. I wasn’t angry with her or anything, it was just after exams and we had a few days off of school. I have never been an on-screen communicator, and I was so certain that I would see her on our first day back to school.
But now she’s gone, and I can’t forgive myself for not sending her a quick “hey” on Facebook when I knew she would still reply.
118. Behind the Screams
Still not over when my (at the time) famous YouTuber boss chewed me out in the lobby of our office for a mistake I made, even after I asked if we could discuss it privately. At least 20 people, in a company of maybe 40, heard the whole thing. “If I were your direct supervisor, you wouldn’t have a freaking job.”
It kills my self-esteem every time I think about it, and makes me feel worthless, even though I know it’s not true. And then he gets to go on camera and talk about “love” and put on this act of being a nice, even-tempered, trustworthy personality. I hate how it happened months ago, I know his opinion shouldn’t matter to me, yet whenever I think about it, I shrink. I feel so small. I hate it.
119. Hold Me, Love Me
I just want to be held for once. I want to be told that I’m going to be fine, and that there are people who would accept me unconditionally. I just want to feel loved by people who aren’t my parents.
120. Counting on That Friend Request
I don’t know how to keep friends and at this point, I’m worried it’s too late.
121. Who Has the Power?
I might have killed someone around ten years ago, without any questions asked.
Short story, I was an intern at a hospital to become a biomedical technician. During this period of three years, I was one of the technicians and doing the same things as they did.
One day, me and one of the technicians were performing an annual preventive maintenance task on some ventilators. You know, as in ventilators that keeps people alive when they can’t breathe on their own. This day was like every other, I was told what to do, did the things, and afterward, the other technician would visually inspect my work. He was also performing the same things on another device next to me, so he couldn’t look at every step I did.
The task was to replace the internal lead-acid backup batteries and some filters. I replaced every one. I made my best effort.
The next day, I heard a patient had died because the power supply had gone out during the night. The staff had not been able to hand-ventilate the patient sufficiently.
The weird part is, there was never an audit performed or investigation into what was wrong with the ventilator.
I also wonder why there wasn’t any backup ventilator on hand for the staff to fetch in case of breakdowns.
I don’t blame myself, but I had my fingers in the power supply the day before, and I remember now that there weren’t any electrostatic discharge precautions in place at the biomedical department where we did all those things. I know now that ESD is a real threat and can show its face right away or six months later, you just never know.
I have only ever repeated this here.
122. I’m the Unwanted Surprise
When I was 22, my dad died. I was absolutely destroyed by it. Recently my mother told me he wasn’t my real dad; some other guy was. He’s still living, married to the same woman he was with when he stepped out with my mother. He and I have connected, hit it off, I care about him, etc. I have two siblings who didn’t know I existed, his wife didn’t know either. They all just found out and everything hit the fan.
Now his wife has forced him to dial back his relationship with me, and my siblings have not reached out to me at all. I was a dirty secret for a bit, and now I’m a burden to his family simply by my having been born.
I have a wonderful family, and had a great daddy who died too early. I feel guilty for my interest in my biological father and I’m drowning in shame and guilt over what his family is going through.
I know none of this is even remotely my fault, but I feel bad just the same. I miss my daddy, I want this other new dad, I have my amazing siblings, and I want these new siblings too. I’ve lost so much of my identity in such a jarring way and now I’m grasping at what is left of me and I’m so lost!
I’m hurt. I’m so hurt by it all.
123. No Fun in Funeral
I witnessed my best friend drown in a terrible accident. Alcohol was involved. My best friend’s parents asked me not to go to the funeral services but wanted to hear the story a mere two days following the funeral. I have yet to share my story with them—I don’t see the value at this point. It brings me anger almost every day because they asked me not to go to my best friend’s service, like I was the bad guy…
124. Too Little and Too Late
When I was a kid I heard a gunshot while walking down a street. I ran back home, fast as I could. Went to my room and watched TV to calm myself down. Didn’t tell anybody. Two hours passed, and the phone rang. Mom told me my uncle died of a gunshot wound, trying to stop a fight nearby. At the funeral we were told my uncle could’ve lived if paramedics arrived earlier.
For 20 years, I’ve always thought I could’ve saved him.
125. Wingman With an Ulterior Plan
My friend fell for some girl really, really hard. This girl, by some weird coincidence (seriously, a total coincidence), has dated almost every one of my closest friends. I was close friends with all of them, but they didn’t know each other—hence, the coincidence.
My friend has fallen for this girl and believes her to be the one that he is supposed to marry, the problem is, the girl’s a sociopath. She doesn’t care about anything she does when she’s angry, often making my friend her emotional punching bag. But this dude kept trucking through it, because to him, she was worth it.
Well, after a couple of breakups, as well as trips to the jailhouse for both of them, they both finally call it quits and my friend goes into a deep, deep depression. It seems like the only time he is happy is when we are all out doing something.
So fast forward a couple of months and stuff is still at square one, but the only difference is that she actually moved on. And not only has she moved on, but she actually started seeing another one of my close friends.
Now I’ve been keeping this to myself because my friend is nowhere near ready to take this news. He thinks I’m going through a phase where I’m OBSESSED with going out and meeting different girls (I actually am) but in reality, I’m trying to push him off on different girls, so he will forget the sociopath.
126. The Frat Paths Not Taken
In college, I had a friend named “S.” We weren’t best friends, but we played on a team together starting freshman year. In junior year, another one of our teammates, who was in the same frat as S, called me up to hang out with the two of them because S’s girlfriend had just broken up with him and he was torn up about it.
We made plans for the whole weekend, you know, “We’re gonna get you drunk, find you a new girl, blah blah blah.” Friday night they threw a party at the frat. Me and S raged, found him a hot girl, and she took care of him for the night.
On Saturday, I got a call from this insanely hot girl I’d been trying to talk to, she’s like the spitting image of Tyra Banks. I figured I’d hang out with her then go chill with S after, took her out to dinner then for a walk. Around 11, we walked past S’s frat and I go in to see if they’ve started drinking.
A couple of his brothers are sitting around playing a drinking game and they said he decided to go to sleep early, I normally would’ve gone to his room and told him to man up and come out and hang, but I had the girl with me and really wanted to see where I could get with her. I got a call the next morning that he hung himself that night.
I play the three minutes of me walking into the frat and talking to his brothers in my head everyday. What if I had just dragged him out of his room like I normally would have. What if I had walked into his room, and he was still breathing?
127. Moving Away But Not Moving on
My sister died last night. She was my last relative. She was my whole world. She had a difficult life. I guess I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore. But I feel like all the light has gone out of my life.
She suffered a serious mental breakdown almost ten years ago. I took care of her for years. She eventually ended up in an assisted living situation. She was my life. She went through hell… But I tried to be there for her.
She had these bright eyes that would light up a room. I’ll miss her forever. I regret putting her in an assisted living home and moving away. I was slipping to a bad place and I wasn’t able to help anymore. It kills me. She wouldn’t have wanted to die where she was. I wish she’d moved with me. And I myself haven’t been well. I spent the yesterday in the hospital because of a seizure. I came home and slept to find a voicemail that said she never woke up. Life’s a cruel mistress. Rest well, sister. 12/30/85- 2/20/17.
128. Hard To Read
I’m a young man and I’ve been a cop for three years now, and I can feel myself already developing PTSD. Decomping bodies, a frantic mother handing me their dead baby girl and pleading with me to revive her, kids pulling triggers and destroying families to protect their bullshit notion of honor.
I want to be a good man. I want to make a positive difference. But I’m quickly realizing I’m not super man.
I feel like I’ve been handed a mop, and told to swab the streets as it’s still raining. All the while, I’m being ridiculed because I’m using the wrong kind of mop or I missed a spot.
129. Might We Suggest a Couple’s Cooking Class?
My wife’s cooking is, largely, [expletive]. She refuses to learn the basics of working in the kitchen and makes the same mistakes time and again.