The internet makes a lot of things easier—dating is not one of those things. Sure it’s more convenient to find a date online, but the vetting process isn’t exactly perfect. People can make themselves seem like anyone through the power of the web, meaning you never know what you’re going to get on that first date. These people know the struggles of online dating better than anyone. They came together to share their online dating horror stories, both horrifying and hilarious. If you’re discouraged by the online dating scene, find some solace and relief here. It could always be worse.
1. A Big Deal
On OkCupid, Summer 2006, I met a girl in West Hollywood and we went to dinner. She turned out to be way bigger than her pictures, insanely rich, was Ozzie Osborne's cardiologist's daughter or something like that, and had a nasty drug habit. The whole date she was doing drugs in the bathroom and barely ate her food, and then afterward, we went back to her place where she visibly spiked my drink with a mickey and then asked me to tie her up.
Then she refused to allow me to drive my car out of her garage, leaving me to wait in my car all night until the morning when I followed someone out. She called three days later to say that I caused her miscarriage. Did not know she was pregnant.
2. A Chinchilla Gained
We meet at a local pub for a few drinks, and we get chicken fingers. The conversation is terrible, but I notice she's taking the chicken fingers and ripping them up in her hands and putting the breading in her huge purse. So naturally, I call her out on it. She smiled and said, "Oh, I'm just feeding Sammy" and pulled out a fat chinchilla from her purse.
She plopped the thing in the middle of the table and it just kinda chilled out. I played with the chinchilla a bit and she kinda got mad at me for playing with it and back in the purse it went. I was ready to call it and leave, but she mentioned she could go for some ice cream, and I was cool with it. So we go to Ben & Jerry's.
We get to talking about tattoos and piercings, and she tells me she has nipple piercings, and I'm like, "Oh?" and then she pulls down her shirt, in the middle of Ben and Jerrys at 8:00 p.m. and shows me her nipples. I had no idea how to react. So then I decide to walk her to her car. She kiss attacks me, and well, she WAS kinda cute so I made out with her, sort of, her lips were tense the whole time and she licked my teeth.
I friended her on Facebook for some reason after that. She had a Facebook page for her chinchilla that had more friends then I did. A few months later, the chinchilla passed and its Facebook was a memorial page where a bunch of people (like, 35) commented how much they missed it.
I liked one of her statuses and she called me crying. I unfriended her but not the chinchilla. RIP Sammy.
3. The Small-Bladdered Wizard
Met a guy for a walk-and-talk through my favorite park. We had a nice vibe online and I had hopes we'd at least have a good time even if we weren't attracted. He was completely bizarre. Spent a lot of time trying to get me to believe that he was some sort of psychic or wizard with magic powers, asked for a ride to the bus station from the park (I had no idea he hadn't driven himself there) and suddenly had to pee during the five-minute drive.
Wet his pants just before getting out of the car.
4. All Boys Are the Same
I met up with a girl from OkCupid whose photo was nothing like her in real life (in a bad way), on the date she spent about an hour telling me how she falls out with her friends all the time and generally being self-obsessed and uninteresting. I felt no connection/spark and was polite but said that I didn't want to see her again and made my excuses and left.
Two minutes after leaving she texted me saying that she had never met anyone like me and thought we had something special. I politely reply and let her know I didn't want to see her again and she keeps texting which I ignore as she isn't getting the message. A couple of weeks later she sends me a string of abusive messages. "Why are all guys the same," "You should put on your cv that you're a dickhead" etc. etc. All after one brief date!
5. The Worst Shrek Movie
There are a few stories I'd love to tell that unfortunately involve Redditors, but here's one that doesn't. Went on a date with a Navy boy, he seemed smart and sweet online. He picks me up in this incredibly ostentatious yellow Camaro, which I have the sneaking suspicion he borrowed as it was a stick and dude was having a terrible time driving it. We decide to go walk on the boardwalk for a while, so he pulls into a parking garage—and that's when things started going completely off the rails.
In his attempt to park the car, he completely sideswipes the car next to us, leaving yellow paint all across their car. He didn't even act like anything happened, so I say, "Umm, I think you may have hit the car next to us." He gets out, looks at it, then climbs back in and goes, "I guess we should park somewhere else" and peels out before I could even say anything.
Fast forward, the date is going poorly (as a hit and run is never a good start), and it's miserably hot out so we decide to see a movie. It happened to be Shrek The Final Chapter—a kid's movie. He has his feet on the seats in front of us, which is no big deal, until a dad holding his toddler daughter comes in and the only seats still open are the ones in front of us.
The dad goes to sit down; Navy boy doesn't move his feet; in fact, he even moves his feet forward a bit so that he hits the dad in the head. The dad looks back at us, and then Navy boy sighs heavily, takes his feet down, looks at me and goes, "My feet were there first."
After the movie he asked if I wanted to go to dinner, I said no, he drops me off (I'm surprised he didn't drop the transmission as well...) and asks when he can see me again, he had a great time. Married five years now! Just kidding, I took a mental note of his license plates and called the parking garage. Did not see again.
6. One Stinky Date
All right guys, I got this: We meet up, and she's immediately asking me about my job and salary. We have a similar job, with it being a new role and she's been there for a while, so she's making more than I am. Good for her. We go get some drinks. I hit the bathroom and when I come back there are three drinks on the table. One for me and two for her. Interesting...maybe this means I'm getting lucky.
She downs her drinks and orders another two. I'm still working on my one. She starts talking about her friend is getting married and she's single and her life isn't going anywhere. Then she starts crying. THEN she calls her friend and invites her out on our date. Next thing you know, she's in the bathroom, barfing. She comes back covered. She's crying, she pooped herself, she doesn't have any money on her, so she hopes I don't mind being stuck with the $100 bill.
She messages me the next day telling me I'm a jerk for not calling her, and maybe we should try getting together again that night. Nope!
7. The Backup
Met a woman for a date. There wasn't a lot of chemistry, but she worked two interesting jobs, and there were no real warning signs. For a second date, she invites me to this picnic campout thing where she didn't know the people very well. We talk about how most of her friends are guys and most of mine are girls. She says she is bringing her "crew" along.
The crew turns out to be another guy and two dogs. I engage the guy, he is super friendly and nice, spends his time fetching things for her, playing with children. We know some of the same people. After about five hours, I'm sitting alone with her and ask, "How long have you known Tim?" "Oh, I meet him through OkCupid three months ago, he's going through a divorce and he's not sure if he is going to have his kids or not, and I don't want to date anyone with children"
8. Playing the Field
There was a guy I never even actually met because I got a super creepy vibe from him, but he would send out mass texts regularly asking if I wanted to do anything that night. I could tell it was a mass text because it showed the numbers of everybody else, he was texting on my iPhone. Conversation, after many ignored texts, goes as follows:
Him: Hey, want to do anything tonight? Me: Can you please remove me from this mass text list? I've never even met you. Him: This isn't a mass text lol. Me: (Screenshot where it lists everybody else he's texting). Him: Oh lol. You caught me. Random Stranger: Yeah, we can all read this. Me: Yeah bye.
9. An Elaborate Exit
We met on OkCupid, hit it off really well. She made cosplay video game weapons (like Tidus' sword or what have you) and was funny and I was a huge dork who did not know how to talk to women. We met for dinner and a movie and, sometime during the movie, she gets a call and sends it to voicemail.
After the movie ends, she finally checks her voicemail—and receives the most horrible news of her life. Her best friend has been in a bad car accident and she needs to go now. She freaks out, can't find her car, and I drive her around the parking lot looking for it while I struggle to think of anything to say and end up not saying anything.
I called once or twice after that but she never answered. So, either a tragic end to the night or she managed to avoid a second date in the most dramatic and elaborate way ever.
10. Mr. Big Shot
Bare with me—it gets good towards the end. This happened a couple years ago. The receptionist at one of my clients' talked/begged me into meeting her best friend who just moved to LA from Phoenix. She swore up and down we were perfect for each other. I checked out her OKC profile, chatted back and forth for a few days then talked to the mystery girl once on the phone and we decided to meet for dinner & drinks at a local bar and grill after her shift (she's a nurse) was over on a Tuesday night.
We meet. She's an adorable, petite, dirty blond with glasses and freckles. Totally my type. I could tell she was a bit nervous. We sit down and order drinks. She downs her apple martini in less than five minutes, orders another and apologizes, stating she wants to loosen up a bit because she's nervous since her friend "talked me up" so much. Which is odd since I don't even know her friend that well at all. Fast forward a bit. She ended up having two martinis before the appetizers came, two more in between appetizers, and three more during dinner and one more right before the check came.
Total martinis had by a 5'3" ~110lb girl in a three-hour period: seven. Surprisingly the conversation during this period did quite well—but the train wreck was coming. As we were about to leave, she decided to use the restroom before we hit the road. She fell twice on the way and once on the way back. Since she was clearly hammered, I offered to drive her home and give her some cash for a cab in the morning to pick her car up. She agreed but declined the cash.
Mind you, it's nearing midnight and I have to get up at 5:30 for work. As we are driving toward her apartment it becomes apparent that, combined with her drunken state and the fact she's lived in the valley for less than two weeks, she forgot her address AND how to get herself home. We drive around North Hollywood and Studio City for an hour trying to remember her street or any local landmarks. This fails and I'm getting tired/frustrated.
I offer to let her stay at my place. Nothing weird. She can crash on my bed and I'll take the couch. She's ok with this. On my way back to my place she attempts to throw up out the car window but doesn't realize the window was never open in the first place. Vomit everywhere. Now she's crying and apologizing like crazy. I get her to my apartment, carry her up the three flights of stairs and toss her on my bed.
She's out cold. I go downstairs and spend another 40 minutes cleaning out my car and finally get to sleep on my couch around 2 AM. Around 4:30 AM I'm awoken by a shrill scream coming from my bedroom. I run in wearing just my boxers, flip the light on. The girl pauses for a second, looks at me and screams more, backs into a corner and throws my nightstand lamp at me while yelling "Who exactly are you."
It takes a minute for me to calm her down and explain the situation and remind her of our night. It eventually all comes back to her. She starts crying and apologizing. Again. After I calm her down some more, I give her a ride home. During our ride home the awkward silence is only broken by her apologizing while sobbing, telling me how to get to her place, and then asking if we "hooked up."
I told her we didn't and that I'm not the creepy type to take advantage of girls in her condition. She replied with something along the lines of "Oh, Ok. I'm not typically a lush and I'm definitely not easy. I was just super nervous and didn't know my limit last night. You seem great and I hope we can see each other again." I ended up saying "sure" just to avoid any more awkwardness, gave her an in-car hug and said goodnight.
The next day, while slothing around work in a meeting, she called. It went to voicemail. Immediately she called again...twice...finally she left a voicemail. Said voicemail went something like this "Soooo I was thinking about what I asked you on our way home last night in regard to us hooking up. Aaaaaand I'm kind of curious as to WHY you didn't try anything with me. Is it because you think you're too good for me huh? Mr. Big shot LA guy? Well, whatever. I'm not easy and don't sleep around but you missed a shot at some awesome loving last night. So, whatever." click...
That's the end of it right? Nope—train wreck still happening. About half an hour later while I'm still in the meeting she calls and leaves another voicemail...this time crying: "I'm sorry about what I said earlier... I'm just having trouble adjusting to a new place. I'm homesick. You seem really great. Please call me back and please don't ignore me. Please. I'm sorry."
Needless to say, I didn't call her back. Her friend, the receptionist, apologized profusely the next time I saw her. We didn't talk much about it after that.
11. The Sharpest Hug
Girl lied about her weight in her photo. When we met, she said she would hug me, but all four cargo pockets on the front of her jacket were filled with broken glass. I was then regaled with a two-hour tale about her Harry Potter fanfiction, and all my attempts to politely change the conversation were brushed aside.
It got to the point where I dropped all pretenses and started on the cigs and texting other people. She didn't really seem to mind and kept talking. I didn't respond when she asked me for a second date.
12. Exclusive Fun Committee Membership
Went on one date. He would not stop talking about his "gorgeous" ex-wife. Also mentioned being a lawyer, his huge house, and what a tramp he'd been since his divorce about a million times. Was very self-absorbed and clearly just looking for hook-ups. Texted me the next day: "The fun committee is meeting at my house tonight."
Me: "The fun committee?" Him: "Yeah you and I are the only members." Me: "..."
13. Shower Life
Met a guy on Craigslist. After talking to him on the phone for a few weeks, I decided to meet up at his place for our first date. Turns out the second bedroom in his apartment is a shrine to his dead grandparents. I figure since they raised him, it must be his way of remembering them, so I let it go. We date a few months and it just so happens he demands we take showers and sleep naked every night so as not to "contaminate" the bedsheets.
I got out of bed for a glass of water once and ended up getting yelled at for 30 minutes about how I brought germs from the living room into the bedroom. The whole relationship was like something out of the twilight zone. We broke up shortly after he demanded my mother sign a letter saying she will respect his wishes not to meet her and have it notarized.
The scariest thing about this that he's an NYPD officer. Not exactly who I want out there protecting the streets.
14. The Ol’ Smoke N’ Run
I lived in Austin at the time and had "420 friendly" on my profile (mistake), so I exchanged a few messages with a girl who was also 420 friendly and we met for coffee. Before we even ordered anything, she asked me if I brought any, I did, and we smoked a couple bowls behind the coffee shop. Then she looked at her phone and was like, "Oh, I just remembered I have to go to work in half an hour, bye."
We haven't seen each other since.
15. Stop & Stare
I'm a paraplegic and have been stood up many times when going out on dates. They never show to the place or when I come to pick them up. One time, I even drove 250 miles to meet what seemed to be a cool chick. Pulled up, hit it off good, got some Chili's, went back to her place and was going to watch a movie in her room on the bed.
I rolled up to the bed to transfer over, and the way a person who is paralyzed has to get onto the bed, they have to reach down and grab their legs and lift them up onto the bed. For some reason, she STARED at my legs for probably...let's see...probably a good 20 seconds without blinking. I tried to not really say anything or not look at her, trying to not turn an awkward situation even more awkward, but after the 20 seconds was up, I looked up at her and said...."Are you okay?”
She didn't even look at me, kept staring, and said, "I don't think I can do this." I mean, I understand what is wrong with me, that's fine, I have to deal with that, and I tried to be the coolest guy with everything, joking about the paraplegia and all that good stuff, setting off the "I understand what happened to me and I don't dwell on it and am moving on" vibe, but that right there...well...it tore me up.
I instantly burst into tears...Couldn’t control myself. I poured waterfalls. Sad thing was, we were on the second floor and had to get some neighbors to help me down...I swear I hate being paralyzed. It's bad enough that I have to enlighten any girl that is even remotely interested in me in the direction of lovemaking because most think that I can't do it...
Life is so bogus sometimes...
16. The 420 Tent
I went on a misadvised date to hang out at a guy's house. We were both stoners at the time, so he said we could smoke in his backyard. I show up, he comes outside and he's about 150 lbs heavier than his picture would lead you to believe. He's not wearing any shoes and is scratching his flop belly in front of me. I don't know how to get out of the situation politely, so we go to his backyard, where he leads me to TENT. Like a two-person camping tent.
After we smoke, I'm high enough that I don't care about being awkward, and say that I have to get dinner because I have the munchies. I sprint to my car and jet.
17. Just the Benefits
I have far too many. I think the best would be when a guy drove by to pick me up and then texted me, "I can't go out with you. I'm too superficial" after seeing me standing outside. This was at least six years and 50 lbs ago. So, I went back inside feeling really down about it. I get another text, "Ok, we can do it, but no dating or relationship stuff." Unbelievable.
18. The Big Lie
This was back in the days of Myspace-style top-down bathroom photos. I saw this girl who was cute in her pictures and connected online and decided to meet up. I waited for her at a designated spot in a mall then got a call. She says "I think I can see you. Is that you in front of the store?" Meanwhile, I was trying to look all over for her, but there was a whale of a girl in my way, so I say, "I can't see you; are you behind that huge lady"? ...silence...then it hits me that the whale was her.
But to defend my shallowness, this girl was close to 300 and she had misleading photos. Needless to say, it was an awkward date. She ate a lot.
19. Started Bad, Ended Beautifully
Signed up on a dating site, did the whole personality test and got matched up with a female (99% match it said). So I started IMing her and we trade phone numbers and then when we are going on a date it turns out she has given me the wrong phone number (one number off) so I can’t reach her and I have no real idea how she looks (her photo was old) so I just start asking random girls there if she is the one I'm supposed to meet. No luck :(
Then when I get back to my apartment I wait a few hours and when she logs on she's not happy with me standing her up, but then I explain to her that she gave me the wrong phone number and that she could have called me, but apparently she had also noted down my number wrong. Next date is scheduled, and right phone numbers are given. When I get on the tram to go meet her for the first time my phone battery runs out.
Oh dang. I rush back home and plug in the charger and phone her. She hadn’t left yet and agreed that we were now even (because she screwed up the first time). We then meet 30 minutes later at an Italian place and eat pizza. We've been together over three years now and she's given me a son :)
20. Staying for the Movie
Before I met my current bf, I went out on a few dates from guys on OKC. There was one guy who I thought was pretty cute, so I decided to take a chance and go out with him. We go out for dinner which was fine...until he started talking about his ex-fiancé who was a dancer on some popular TV show back in the Philippines who actually had a husband etc. Etc. So that already turned me off.
Then we go out to a movie and he starts to touch himself! Right in the theater! He just unzips his pants and starts going at it, and I'm sitting next to him horrified! And he had the nerve to tell me I'm the weird one because every normal person does that in movie theaters...this was during the trailers btw.
Then he tried to go at it with me in the theater which I really wasn't in the mood for so I moved across the theater to enjoy the movie while he sat in his corner fapping for all I know. Needless to say, we never saw each other again. The movie was great though!
21. Burn Her!
About four years ago, reeling from a nasty breakup, I decided to give Match.com a try. A couple weeks after signing up I received a message from a guy named Justin. He was cute and just my type, and we set up a date. We got along really well in person and ended up going on a couple more dates. It seemed like everything was going well—I had no idea what I was in for.
Justin lived in Fullerton and it was my turn to drive to him for a date. We headed over to Dave & Busters and had a great time playing air hockey and Dance Dance Revolution. Then we decided to head back to his place to watch a movie. We'd kissed a couple times, and Justin was an excellent kisser. I was looking forward to cuddling and more kissing.
But first, we decided to make a stop at 7-11 for some munchies. We gathered up a couple sodas and some candy and took them up to the register. "$6.66" said the cashier as I pulled out my wallet to pay. Justin gasped loudly. "We can't possibly leave the total at $6.66!!" he exclaimed. "That's the mark of the devil!" I just laughed. Justin got a very serious look on his face. "If we leave the total like that we're gonna get in a car accident on the way home!"
At this point, I felt he was being ridiculous. "Fine, grab something else if it bothers you that much." He threw a York Peppermint Patty on the counter and was satisfied when the total became $7.42. And we headed back to his place. After picking out a movie we grabbed our bag of snacks and plopped down on his bed. I proceeded to take off my shoes and get comfortable. But Justin gasped again.
"Oh. My. God." he said. "Are those the socks with separate toes? Those really freak me out!" I looked down at my striped toe socks. How could anyone be freaked out by something so goofy? "Seriously," he said, "I can't handle those socks. They really, really bother me." I just looked at him and leaned back on the bed. I was already over it. Little did I know Justin was just getting started.
"Oh my god," he exclaimed. I could see that a light had just gone off inside his head. "I get it now. You're a witch!! It all makes sense!!" "Come again?" I asked. "It allllll makes sense. Your black cat. Your love of bats. Your stripey witch socks. And you weren't even bothered by the $6.66. Are you a witch?"
"Get real," I said. "I'm not a freaking witch." But I could see the guy was serious. Ridiculous! "Well I think you're a witch," he said. "And can you please take off your socks? They're really bothering me!" "I'm not taking off my dang socks," I replied. "You're being silly." "I can't help it. Those socks really freak me out. I'll do anything for you to take them off. I'll pay you to take them off. Any amount."
"You'll pay me?" I asked. "Yes." came his reply. "Fine. Pay me $6.66!!" He glared at me as I packed up my stuff and left. And that was the last I ever saw of Justin.
22. Just Teen Stuff
When I was 16 a girl I knew told me to add her guy friend on Myspace. He and I would stay up all night talking on AIM and eventually decided to try a long-distance relationship. He kept planning to visit and whatnot, but it never happened. I soon wised up and realized the girl had made him up. She proceeded to do the same thing to another friend who refused to believe me when I told her he didn't exist. Oh, teenagers.
23. Fake Man
Met a girl on OkCupid and had some nice conversations online with her and she seemed really nice and cool. We scheduled a night to meet at a bar. When I show up I see a girl who looks kind of like the girl who I saw in the profile pictures. Only her hair was blonde instead of brown and she was pretty overweight.
I tried to make eye contact as she was with four other people at a table and she ignored me. I assumed she was somebody else and continued waiting while I sapped on a beer. She finally comes over and introduces herself with a huge slur (she is totally wasted) and gets really angry at me for not approaching her to say hello (even though I didn't know it was her because she doesn't look like her profile pics).
I’m like whatever I just want a beer...so we have a couple beers and she is getting REALLY tanked (more so than could have been caused by the beer she drank) and I found out she was sipping 151 in the bathroom with two of her girlfriends. Both of her friends were succubae as well and verbally explained how they thought I wasn't a "real man."
24. It’s a Jersey Thing
Here are some tidbits:
One from Match.com had a bunch of face pics, extremely attractive, and said she's "athletic"...when, in reality, she was morbidly obese...probably 5'5, near 300 lbs. I still met up with her at Starbucks and spent a half-hour chatting, then gave her a "nice to meet you" conclusion and never spoke with her again. A day later, she writes a psychotic, ticked off, three-page email along the lines of "What's your freaking problem, are you superficial about my weight, you jerk?" WTF—seriously, I never even said a word about it. Even though she lied about her weight and body type.
Another girl I met on Match was a seasoned alcoholic; the WORST I've ever seen, and my dad was one. She was 10x worse. Drank straight Vodka like any of us would drink water. She was constantly getting into fistfights, squatting and peeing EVERYwhere (during the date), and was so bad at the end of the first date that I felt like I had to babysit her. She was no longer able to walk, so I took her home and let her sleep in my bed, then I took care of her the next morning as you'd take care of a sick child. Since we originally drove and met at a mutual place, I couldn't take her back to her car to drive home that night due to her condition. Not as if it were much better the morning after.
One girl I dated twice popped this line on me: "Oh, I thought I should tell you this: technically I'm still considered married in Bermuda." I never spoke to her again—but that didn't mean my nightmare was over. She became a stalker lunatic, texting me 15x a day (no exaggeration), calling constantly and leaving messages for two weeks.
Someone I dated for three months, whom I was absolutely in love with, wound up having cheated on me the entire time with her douchebag drug addict ex from NYC. I have the biggest cheater/liar radar on earth, and she completely fooled me—and is still one of the few who were able to do so to this day.
I found out after I started getting late-night prank calls from him while she laughed in the background—and both of them were high (looks like she was also a druggie, which I never saw any signs of). I had to get a restraining order against both of them. I also reported him to the authorities as being a drug dealer.
Kind of funny: during the 2nd date with my ex from college, we went back to her house with her parents and found out that their house had been robbed. Her father was a GIGANTIC polish dude who was drunk on Vodka all the time...and was really drunk at the time, so he threw a Hulk-like fit of rage on the sidewalk. He picked up a huge iron fence post and started smashing the pavement and some parked cars with it. The authorities came and I pleaded with them to let him go. Turns out that at some point in between, he also ran down the block and put a few dents in cars with his fist.
Dated someone from downtown NYC for over a month and a half and we did absolutely nothing physical at all. It was very bizarre. Eventually, she called me, crying, saying that the reason why is because she has herpes and didn't want me to catch it. I had an indescribable shock face on. I had no idea what to say, but I thanked her twice for "saving me" from catching it. We never spoke again.
These are all reasons why I had to move out of New Jersey.
Not mine, but my mother's story. My sister and I were in our tweens/teens, and we had to chaperone a first/blind date between my divorced mom and this guy. One of her co-workers from her office, the Biology Department of the local college, set her up. So, we watch the movie, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. Yes, first time in theaters, I'm that old, sue me.
Mr. Dork was visibly frustrated a couple of times as he tried to follow the action and occasionally lets out a, "Why'd he do that?!" to my mom, as if she had seen it before. Each time there was a new trick the alien learned, he'd ask "How can he do that!?" or "What in the heck!?" in the same voice, just a little louder.
In the highest tension moments of the film, the alien is dying, the G Men take over the whole house, and they finally dial up some analysis and start yelling to each other, "He's got DNA! He's got DNA!" Mr. Dork has finally lost it. He stands up in the theater, and yells, “What in the... HECK is D N A!?”
Okay, it was the 80s and not everyone works in the biology department, but man, it was not obscure stuff even for kids who didn't grow up with biology textbooks everywhere. As we leave the theater, my tween sister explains what DNA is, and I explain what it stands for, and why that would be an important thing to know about aliens. We never heard from Mr. Dork again.
26. Humiliated at the Pig Races
Chatted with a guy from an online dating site, we agreed to meet up at a fair. Both of us being super awkward we decided to not set a meetup place but just wander around and see if we would run into each other. -5 to social skills. We did. I knew he was on the larger side because of his picture, but in real life he was pretty rotund. No judgement, but it's an important piece of the story.
So, we wander around for a couple hours, not going on any rides, not getting any food. Just looking at prize vegetables and livestock. When will this day end? Very soon. We decide to stop at a pig race and take a seat in the bleachers. Pig races are actually kind of fun. The last race is extra novel because it's super chunky jowely pigs that can hardly run.
The announcer, for some reason, wanted to pick audience members to cheer on certain pigs. He announced that he would pick the fattest audience members to be cheerleaders for the fattest pigs, and was going to do his best to match people and pigs based on looks. What the heck, announcer?
So, my date gets picked as a cheerleader, along with a handful of other hapless audience members. The pigs trundle/wander down the racetrack for 15 minutes while we clap, and we quietly exit. After a particularly sweaty handshake, I leave. There is no second date.
She grabbed my junk and then told me it was bigger than her husband's. Date over. I only go crazy when it's not married.
28. Knowing Too Much
So late to this.
I made an OKC account and almost immediately regretted it. It was interesting, but too time-consuming (Haha... ohhh, Reddit!) and frankly, most of the people were surprisingly...off. I met a few people, actually went on some awesome dates, but my big thing was that I was genuinely looking for long term potential, not hookups, so this usually led to a hug and an awkward good-bye when my date realized he wasn’t getting any.
Anyhow, this one guy messaged me and seemed incredibly awesome. He was only 24, but had been an air force mechanic, had traveled the world, and was now driving a truck so that he could afford more travel. Though this may already have been a warning sign for most, I found it intriguing. We talked every night for quite a while, he would give me pretty sound advice on shop-talk etc. (I was apprenticing in an auto shop at the time), would make me laugh, etc...but then one day, he said something that made the neck on my hair stand up.
It was a slip of the tongue, and he didn’t even realize he had done it, but he knew my ex's mother's name...a detail I had never shared. I didn’t have the class to let it slide, so I called him out on it. It turned out that he had so thoroughly stalked me that he knew each of my previous residences, jobs, social network accounts, etc...and had even narrowed my current residence to within six city blocks.
I freaked out. I changed my phone number, changed my OKC account, deleted and re-made my profiles, etc. Nothing ever came of it, but I was thoroughly terrified at the time…especially when, months later, I received a new message to my new phone that said "We could have traveled together. You said you had nothing tying you down. I thought you were perfect."
At the time, I thought..."oh god, never again"...but then I met my current SO after he promised me a magic carpet ride (stop it... that's not what he meant!).
29. Sibling Love
Talking to this beautiful girl, we just connected then we made a plan to meet at a local pub. Show up and turns out it was my younger sister. We both apparently made fake profiles.
30. Breaking the Habit
One time I went on a date with this cute girl to Boston and we went to a bar. At this point, I was six months sober and knew this was a bad idea but I kinda said "screw it" and went anyways. We sit at the bar and talk and we're getting along great and when we order drinks, I get a coke and she gets a cocktail. She asks me why I didn't get a drink and I just say "I don't really drink" which doesn't imply any form of alcoholism at all, just lameness.
We go to this show my friend was having in the basement of an Elks club and they're serving beers and she goes and gets two. For some reason I don't hesitate and take the beer she gives me, open it, and start sucking it down. The moment was so bizarre, surreal: like an automaton, I went through the motions of accepting the drink, opening the drink, guzzling the drink down.
I worked so hard to get to that point and blew it all for some girl I had just met who later ended up not taking me up on a second date (I understood, I kinda acted weird texting her after the first one). In a vacuum, the date went great. Cute girl, went to a bar and show, she totally dug me, we even made out at the show and on the train.
But under the pressure of romance, or potential romance, I went back to boozing for that one night, and that was truly a disaster. Thankfully still sober now and that night didn't derail anything, but that's more luck than anything else.
31. Can’t Hardly Walk
One word: hoarder. Thought that the clutter surrounding him in his pic was something easily cleaned. Oh no...could barely close the door to the bathroom (that was practically in the middle of his studio apartment) because of the amount of debris on the floor. Informed him that while he was a lovely gent, he was not my cup of tea.
32. Nice Guys are the Worst
This is most likely going to get buried. Here goes, hopefully, it will give someone else a giggle, as my friends regularly make fun of me about it. So, after a particularly bad breakup, I decide to give internet dating a shot. Egged on by a couple of friends, I take the plunge and join Plenty of Fish. It's free, nothing to lose!
I join up, don't really send any messages, look around every now and then, when...BINGO!!! I get my first message. Very polite girl. Attractive, seems smart, has job. All boxes ticked so far. We chat for a fair while when she springs the trap and asks to meet. I agree and drive around 45 minutes to the rear end of nowhere to meet her. No biggy, I like driving.
I get to this pub, drop her a text and just say, "Hey, I'm here a little early, shall I grab you a drink?" I wait five mins, no reply, no sweat, I got myself a beer and opened a tab to make life a little easier. So, there I am, sitting, nothing for at least 25 minutes. So, I'm thinking on calling it quits, finish my beer, look at my phone, nothing.
I'm grabbing my coat when all of a sudden...she appears. She apologizes (I half expect her to say that her car broke down, or bus was late, something akin to this) Oh no no no...she was over at the other side of said pub, with her friends...right. That's pretty weird, but, whatever, she's here now, no point in dwelling.
So we start chatting, I buy her a large glass of wine (she lives walking distance to the pub)...after about 15 minutes of fairly open conversation, she starts telling me about how she owns her own house and has a friend living with her...who gets drunk often and like to vomit all over the place. Lovely! However, this kind of dominated all the conversation for the best part of an hour.
All the while she keeps those large wines coming...on tab. Eventually, the buck stops and she looks at me, completely screw-eyed. She can't even sit up straight without propping herself!! At this point, I decide that this woman is the devil. I make some quick excuses about work etc. etc...then I realize that she can't actually stand up.
I ask her if I can drive her home. In fact, I was rather insistent on this as the girl would most likely have ended up laying in the middle of the road if left to her own devices. She finally agrees with the condition of, "no doing it." DON'T WORRY DARLING, THAT'S AT THE END OF MY WISH LIST WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
So, I take her to my car, open the door for her and she...falls in. It's hard to graciously explain what I mean here. She is literally sitting in the footwell, looking up at me as if I tripped her...I can't even be bothered anymore. I close the door, walk around and start the longest short trip in history.
She is giving me dumb directions. "Right on the roundabout..." ...IT'S a FREAKING ONE-WAY STREET etc. etc...anyway, I'm driving, by this time she is now sitting in the seat. She looks to me and says, "You're a wanker. I know this. You have a nice car, you must be a wanker." I have a relatively nice car which I have worked hard for.
I don't even answer her. We finally, after multiple wrong turns, get to her house. I say, "Thanks for the enlightening afternoon" (yup, wasn't even an evening date). She doesn't say a word, stumbles out of the car. Slams the door. I drive away with yet another dent to my self-confidence.
33. Just Gentleman Stuff
My mom met a guy, username: a_perfect_gentleman. These were the days of AOL and dialup mind you. So, they decide to meet up...she pulls into a gas station to meet him and suddenly, her door opens... She freaks out and he gets in and says, “You must be Onebadace mom." She immediately regrets her decision to meet him. He has teeth caked yellow, a pair of thick glasses taped together, and a smell she just can't pinpoint.
So, they drive to Denny's for coffee and he asks her to pay because he's had some trouble recently. He then goes into a sob story about his kids and child support, etc. etc. So, they leave and she drops him off in the ghetto at this broken-down apartment. He invites her up, but warns her, AND GET THIS: That he's sleeping in the living room so they need to be quiet. She declines and gets the heck out of there.
A perfect gentleman.
34. Three Words…
27 Disney tattoos.
35. Jesus First
I met a girl on OkCupid who was pretty awesome. It was one of those things where you didn't have to try. We just hit it off famously, and her being super cute was also a nice bonus. One day, before our second date, she randomly asked if I go to church and I replied, "No, I'm actually an atheist. But I wouldn't mind going to church with you if it's important to you." (because I like to think I'm kind of a swell guy).
She let me know that she wouldn't be able to date me, but we could stay friends. So, that sucked.
Happened to my dad: He agrees to meet for lunch with a woman who said she worked for Walmart. He's waiting in the restaurant when he sees a Walmart semi-truck pull into the parking lot. The nope-ing starts to commence but he is a nice guy, so he doesn't bolt. In walks this woman who looks nothing like the picture from 20 years ago that she posted on match.com.
She is a large lady, dressed in all black and has a lightning bolt tattoo stretching from one side of her forehead to her chin. My dad's a nice guy and had lunch with her, but she definitely didn't get a second date.
37. Just Dumb Enough
Dated a lot of saps from OkCupid. I've mentioned some on Reddit before, including: A guy who tried to impress me by taking me shopping for a first date. The guy who couldn't decide whether or not to give me a kiss, talked through his dilemma for five minutes and then went for a high-five. But this one remains my all-time favorite: The guy who I thought might be a little weird in advance, so I decided something casual like coffee was a good idea.
He then decided to "suit up" for coffee and proceeded to spend an hour telling me how I was out of his league and seemed way better than his ex who was just "too smart."
38. I Like Your Blood
Girl messaged me on OKC. She's cute, so whatever. Talk to her. She's not an idiot, and I enjoy talking. After a week, we go on a date. And get ready to cringe...because this is going to get bad from both sides here, and I apologize for my part in it...So, when I asked her out, I offered to meet her somewhere. Meeting there, imo, is a better option. It gives both parties choice and autonomy.
She says she has no car, and I should pick her up. Well, I don't have a car. I get around by other means, so that won't work. I offer to come by and cook dinner for her then. She says her living situation is not conducive to that. Well, then I came up with this cringey idea of having my friend chauffeur us. She says she's fine with it. I still feel dumb, but whatever.
We swing by on date night to pick her up. Open up the back seat for her. Get in on the other side, and we're both in back. My friend's playing the cool driver, not saying things. It creates a decent atmosphere in the back seat. I tell her where I thought of for us to go for dinner. No dice, she was there recently. I rattle off my prepared list of alternative places (trying to go somewhere nicer, but not fancy, and no chains).
She has a problem with all of them. We end up going to The Outback. Don't get me wrong, it's my favorite place, but it's still a chain, and it's a first date. Oh well, it was her choice, and I can get a steak. We get there and I request a waiter by name. Not sure where that falls in the good/bad spectrum. We get him, and he takes amazing care of us. He recognizes me from previous visits and takes extra care as we're clearly on a date (He actually let us stay an hour past closing).
We're having conversation, and it's great...at first. Only then, out of nowhere, she said something that had me searching for the exits. She tells me she'd like to cut me while we do it and drink my blood. Because, you know, that's what you tell people on a first date...that you want to open their flesh and drink their life fluids.
But it doesn't end there: she used that as a lead-in to talk about her ex-boyfriend. She spent the rest of the meal sitting there talking about him. About how she moved to the area for him. About he's a douchebag. About how she still currently lives with him, and that's why I couldn't have just made us dinner. She talked about his parents. About how they live in his parents’ basement. There were...so many red flags...
And you know what the worst part is? I...I went on a second date with her...and a third. I have no idea what exactly was wrong with me. Also, no, we didn't do it, and thus she didn't cut me during it.
I once met a guy from match.com. He was handsome, French and listed his career as a firefighter. We met for drinks and dinner and he seemed like a cool guy. Until...he started telling me about his career as an IT technician at a call centre. I thought to myself "I thought he was a firefighter? Maybe I am getting his profile confused with another one I looked at."
The conversation dulled suddenly and he got awkward. Then he blurted out: "Just to clear the air, I want to let you know that I lost my virginity had age 28 to TWO ladies of the night.” Yep. He said that. First date. Don't know why he felt the need to start that sentence with "clear the air." Anyways, I left and checked his profile.
Career: Firefighter. There was no second date. The guy I'm with now I met on Twitter...and I've never been happier. :)
40. Send in the Goons
Met a guy online who cropped the top of his head out of all his photos because he was balding (he was only 20). I'm not superficial though, so I gave him a fair chance and he ended up telling me he loved me after three dates (during whoopie, nonetheless, so I wasn't even able to enjoy that!). When I didn't return the sentiment, he got his friends to harass me and sent me threatening messages over myspace.
41. Being Upfront
Put a profile on OKC. Got a few hits back. One girl wanted to chat on the phone. No probs. In the space of about nine minutes, she made it clear, no less than 15 times, that I had to be prepared to be a daddy because she definitely wanted kids. Ok, good luck lady, I'm sure someone will oblige you.
42. Have You Ever Seen a Dinosaur?
I met a really pretty girl online, we met for a walk on the beach and some ice cream. Talked for about 10 minutes before she stated that she didn't believe in evolution or dinosaurs. I politely excused myself.
43. Famous Last Text
This is kind of funny. I met these two roommates on an online dating site. We hung out a few times, but nothing ever happened; one was annoying, and the other did nothing but talk about her boyfriend in Canada who she hadn't seen in years but still loved. So, one day I'm talking to them online and they say:
"We met some guy online who is taking us to the club and is going to give us ecstasy pills." I never heard from them again. I assume they got snatched and cut into a million tiny pieces.
44. Can’t Relate
First date, about an hour in. The guy asks me if I've ever attempted to end my own life. He was asking because he had, and was trying to relate to me. WTF. He profile stalked me for a few months.
45. Don’t Talk Smack About the Biebs
Gone on about 25-30 first dates in the past year. Most don’t go anywhere but here are my highlights:
Girl 1: Tells me she enjoys doing opium and then breaks down crying because her boyfriend cheated on her two weeks earlier.
Girl 2: Somehow weed comes into the convo. I say I smoke occasionally. She starts telling me off, calling me a loser stoner. I’m 27, have a career in corporate at a bank, about to go for my MBA at a top business school, and own my own place. She was a 28-year-old cashier who lived with her parents.
Girl 3: Makes an insensitive comment halfway through. My office is in a not so great place in Toronto, so I made a joke that as long as you’re not a victim the area I work in is nice. She doesn’t flinch then responds, "Oh right, there sure are a lot of blacks that live around there eh?" Noped right outta there. Girl 4: Got upset at me because I made a crude joke about Justin Bieber. Not at the crudeness of the joke but because she was a huge fan of his.
Most weren’t like this though. And I’m not innocent. On my second date from the site I read everywhere that the bill should be split. Ended up accidentally doing the math wrong and somehow ended up making the girl not only pay for my half, but I made a profit. Now I always pay...
Met a girl at a major chain coffee shop. The idea was for some casual fun, and to meet in a public place first. She was cute but she had a weird twitch thing going on where she would snap her jaw shut a lot. And I'm thinking, we're supposed to make out or I'm supposed to put my...SNAP. Oh God no...
I told her this wasn't going to work and said I hoped she would have a good day, then walked out.
47. Burritos & Atheism
She showed up nearly an hour late, stoned out of her mind, and didn't mention that she was a preop-transgender (M2F). Neither of those things are my type. We went to an Atheist meeting (her choice, but to her benefit, it was memorable), and later had burritos. Fun thing, she's a Redditor too.
48. Want Some Gum?
I invited a guy I had been talking to a bit to come out for beers with my friends and I. Buddy had no teeth. None. And he was probably 22. I didn't want to be mean to him so he stayed. Then he then vomited on the floor and was beaten up outside the bar for it. Never again.
49. Nightmare from Overseas
Here's my story: Six or seven years ago, I was a regular IRC chatter. I started talking to a girl there (let's call her Jenny), and we hit it off. She had a wry, somewhat cynical sense of humor. I realized that she was maybe ten years younger than me, but since—according to her—she was over 18, meeting up shouldn't be a problem. She lived in Florida; I live in Denmark.
So, one evening, we talk about her visiting over the summer. I go to cook dinner and when I finish eating, sign back on IRC. She tells me that she's bought a ticket and will stay for three months. I tell her, "Whoa, that's a really long time, I was thinking a couple of weeks or so." But since she has already paid for the ticket, I feel forced to let her stay. Fortunately, many of the other people in the IRC channel where we hang out are also Danes and want her to visit them.
During the time we have known each other, she has sent photos of herself, and I'm quite surprised when she looks nothing like her photos. When I meet her at the airport, I expect to see a chubby young woman, but I was not expecting her to be 150 cm tall and just as wide (at least). I'm 180 cm and weigh about 90 kgs; I'm fairly sure she weighs more than I do.
Now, I'm not a shallow person, so I think to myself, "Well, at least she has a great personality, right?" WRONG! Over the next two days, I find out that not only is she immature and sheltered, but apparently her whole world is made up of deceit, lies and HUGE amounts of drama. She has lied about so many things, including—and I don't find out about this until the day before she leaves—her age. But more on this later.
She has apparently also told her parents that she is visiting her friend Cathy in Denmark, who is married to a brain surgeon. I don't know anyone named Cathy. I am not a brain surgeon, but a photographer. If things don't go exactly according to her plan, she will immediately start wailing and sobbing, stamping her feet and punching the walls.
So, when I confront her and ask her why she has been lying to her parents, she throws the mother of all hissy fits. Eventually, after two hours of coaxing, I manage to talk her down. On the third day, my nerves are frayed from her drama and lies. I can't make any sense of her cockamamie web of deceit. My apartment is so messy that I don't recognize it.
She insists she will do the cooking, and to her credit, she did not do a bad job of the actual food preparation. But unfailingly, every single time she has cooked a meal, every single pot, pan, and utensil will be dirty, and I will spend 40 minutes to an hour doing the dishes. She eats around the clock. Every day, I completely restock the fridge.
On the fifth day, I tag in one of my friends and his wife (who is American—we can call them Hank and Gabby) and arrange with them to let Jenny stay with them for a few days, and then send her off to meet up with her other internet friends in the area. I am exhausted, and honestly, very tired of taking care of this petulant little compulsive liar who completely wrecks my apartment every single day.
My friend (let's call him Matthew) flies in from Sweden while Jenny is away, and we spend two days completely cleaning up all the mess Jenny has made. We discover that she has gouged deep furrows into my brand new and expensive dining table by using it as a cutting block. She has also broken the showerhead. I have no idea how.
Matthew stays for four days; we watch movies and go for photography walks around the city. The day after he goes back home, Jenny returns. In less than an hour, she completely wrecks my apartment. At this point, I've had enough, and I tell her that she has to change the date of her return flight because I've gotten a photography assignment abroad. Cue wall-pounding, insane rage for an epic six hours.
At my wits' end, I call Hank and Gabby to ask them for advice. Gabby picks up, and as soon as she hears the wailing in the background, she tells me they'll be right over. When Jenny finds out, she stops crying and runs to the bathroom. The shower starts running. Hank and Gabby come over, and Gabby, who also has had enough, has some choice words for Jenny, who does not reply.
They help me put all of Jenny's things in, on, or near her suitcase, and as we're doing this we find her passport, which clearly states that she is, in fact, sixteen years old. Not my proudest moment. We finish packing, and then they go home. As soon as the door shuts, Jenny unlocks the bathroom door. Apparently, she has been sitting in the shower, on the drain, thus flooding the entire bathroom with a good inch or so of water.
I hand her the phone and tell her to either call the airline to book a new return flight or call the nearest hotel to make arrangements with them for the rest of her stay in Denmark. She turns on the waterworks again, but when she sees the look on my face, she immediately stops and does as told. The next morning, she leaves, bawling her head off.
I have had enough at this point and can't be bothered to even walk her to the station, which is four minutes away by foot. The day after, she calls and tells me she got home all right, and thank you for a wonderful time and can she please come visit again soon. I tell her that we will have to discuss this later, as I'm about to leave my apartment for a photo job downtown (which is true).
While I'm out, she calls my home phone 197 times, my cell phone, which is on silent, 337 times, and there are also 53 emails when I open my Outlook. These numbers are factual, not exaggerations. This is the final straw. Next time she calls, I lose it and yell at her incoherently, tell her to never contact me again, and hang up. I block her from all avenues that I can think of where she might be able to contact me, and that, fortunately, is that.
If you've made it this far, I thank you. Things have gotten better for me. I'm married to a gorgeous Japanese woman who I've known ever since she was an exchange student here eight years ago and who is moving here in just about a month, and life is good.
50. PM’d Into a Love Triangle
I'd been chatting to a girl for quite some time and finally ended up visiting her house about 50 miles away for an evening of enjoying each other’s company. We wake up the next morning to loud noises, which turned out to be her fiancé, who I knew nothing about, ripping a window off its hinges and climbing in as she'd locked him out.
There was a strange car on the driveway, so he thought she might be in trouble. Alas, it was me in trouble, as this guy was huge, and a bit upset by this point. I managed to talk him down and explain the situation, to then find she had called the police and accused him of breaking and entering. During the time the police were questioning him, I made my escape and high-tailed it out of there.
51. Too Young to Run
The second time I got catfished was the last time I tried to meet a girl online. I was a junior in college and had been talking to this girl a few states away for weeks online. She claimed to be 19 (I was 20) and she was a cute redhead in the pics she sent me, so I chatted her up regularly even though she lived far away.
At some point, she surprises me with her plan to take a bus out to my university and spend the weekend hanging out and partying with me. When I picked her up at the bus stop I barely recognized her. She sort of looked like the cute redhead I had pictures of, but waaaaaay younger, like she could be the daughter of the girl I had been talking to online.
I played it cool, trying to be a gentleman, but quickly decided that spending the weekend partying with what appears to be a 14-to-16-year-old would be a bad idea. I told her that there were no good parties on the docket and took her home to my parents’ house where I figured we could lay low until Sunday when I could shuffle her back onto a bus and be rid of the jailbait.
Well, late the next evening while we were sitting on the living room floor watching a movie with my parents, the phone rings. I answered the phone to hear a crying woman pleading to know where her daughter was and if she is ok. That's when it hit me... I was harboring a freakin' teenage runaway.
I got the girl on the phone with her mom and started grabbing all of her stuff and putting in my car. Apparently, her mom had found my phone number on their phone bill and traveled to my school looking for her daughter. I promised to meet her on campus with her daughter ASAP. Well, we didn't even make it out of the driveway before the police cars showed up.
The cop looked at me, then pointed to the girl and said, "Is that her?", and I replied, "Yeah, take her home man" and that was it. Luckily for me, I think this girl may have had a history of running away from home because they didn't ask me a single question or anything they just took the girl and left.
Then my mom came out into the driveway asking why the cops were there... I had some 'splainin' to do. And then, when I returned to school, all of my roommates and neighbors told me that the campus police, local police, and state police had been scouring the campus for me and an underage runaway. I spent the next couple weeks explaining to everyone I knew how I got hoodwinked by an internet girl and that the police had the story wrong. It could have gone worse I suppose...
52. A Deadly Connection
I used to play a lot of Quake and made a few friends through it. About 15 years ago, I moved to a state where one of those friends happened to live. We met up, and we got along fine, if not a bit awkward in person. He told me I could come stay with him any time, but it was kind of out of the city. We sort of lost touch, but just last year his relative contacts me out of the blue.
She tells me that my friend had often spoke of me (using my old screen name) and was recently killed by another of our old online friends that he had invited to stay with him. It ended up being ruled as self-defense. She just wanted to know what I knew about the killer to try to make sense of it, but I couldn't remember much other than his old screen name.