Dating is stressful—period. So the fact that people choose to do it completely blind is just crazy. Sure, it could lead to love, but it could also lead to…well, these stories. These Redditors rolled the dice and suffered through some real stinkers. Their stories may be hilarious, but they also serve as cautionary tales. You really never know what you’re going to get with a blind date.
1. Mary’s Not Here, Man
I was supposed to meet this woman, Mary. I got to the designated spot 20 minutes early. No one for a while. About 15 minutes after I was supposed to meet her, a woman walks by. “Are you Mary?” I asked her. “Are you [arichi]?” she asked me. “Yes, I am.” She replied, “I’m not Mary.”
2. Paging Dr. Freud
I went out with a guy who talked about his mother literally the entire time. I knew her favorite foods, movies, where she went to college, how she makes her spaghetti sauce…you name it, I heard it. At one point I suggested he date his mom since no other person could compare to her. He looks at me almost like he’s contemplating it.
I look at him like he’s psychotic, and he yells at me and says that anyone who is half the woman his mother is should get down on their knees and thank God for their blessing. Fast forward two years and he married his dad’s high school sweetheart. True story.
3. Shaken, or Crushed?
Drove a total of six hours to meet a guy I was talking to online who seemed nice. We saw a movie together which was largely uneventful, and we got back to his car and he starts telling me to crush his junk.
4. Fossil-Like Opinions
I once went on a date with a girl and this is how the conversation went: Her: “So, what’s your favorite book?” Me: “Tough, but when I was little I LOVED Jurassic Park.” Her: “Yuck, Jurassic Park.” Me: “The book or the movie? EVERYBODY loves Jurassic PARK!” Her: “I don’t believe in dinosaurs.” Me: “Fossils?!??!??!” I was already at the end of my rope, but her next response just blew my mind.
Her: “I don’t want to get into it, but I think fossils are BS.” I ended the conversation there and held onto the night. Until later on when she told me, “I don’t believe in outer space,” and my head freaking exploded.
5. Mission Failed
I wasn’t feeling great, but decided to meet anyway. We met at a Belgian beer bar. She was gorgeous, fun, and totally into me. I felt a gas pain, so I leaned forward slightly to quietly relieve the pressure. I completely and explosively pooped myself. The odor was immediate. I excused myself to the bathroom, but the damage was too great.
I walked out of the bathroom, muddy-panted, out of the bar, and boarded the train for home. The date was nothing compared to the horror of the following three weeks, recovering from E-coli.
6. Pics First
Back in high school a buddy of mine decided to try to set me up with one of his many chick friends who didn’t have a date to homecoming. Now, this guy has slightly different tastes in women than me, but I decided to go for it. I knew nothing of the girl I was going with until I met her the night of. She was unattractive physically and had a terrible personality.
Of course we went out got dinner and went to the dance and stuff, but that night was terrible from my perspective. Me and him now have a mutual agreement that if one of us is setting up the other, at least a picture, and some basic description of personality.
I was set up on a blind date with my roommate’s girlfriend’s roommate. It was actually a double-date, and we walked from their place to a Mexican restaurant nearby. On the way there, we saw my date’s ex drive by (they’d broken up fairly recently after a long relationship). She, apparently, was assured that we were all just going to dinner as friends and that this most definitely was not a date, so she vented about her ex several times over the course of the meal.
It wasn’t until I paid for her meal that she realized that it was, in fact, a date. I, of course, thought that she was a crazy girl, and I had just been burned by another crazy girl, so I was wasn’t going to make that mistake again. That was eight-and-a-half years ago. Right now, our three-year-old daughter is playing with her toy trains in our living room.
8. Running Away to Narnia
I got set up with the daughter of one of my parents’ friends. I wasn’t really looking forward to it, but I was on break from college, and she apparently went to school not far from me, so it wasn’t like a lost-cause summer romance type thing. They showed me pictures and said nice things about her. I picked her up from her parents’ place (we were both home for the summer) and was a little surprised by how pretty she was.
The pictures had been from when she was in high school, and didn’t do her justice. The date was dinner and a movie. Dinner went really well; we had a lot in common, she was very grounded and down-to-earth, cared about the environment. If I have a type, she was it. So, as we’re walking to the movie theater, I slipped my arm around her waist.
She pushed me away and got all serious. “I’m really sorry, because you seem like a nice guy, but…I’m a lesbian. I just went out with you to make my parents happy.” Sitting through The Chronicles of Narnia with her was the most awkward two hours of my life.
9. The Devil Is a Gamer
Small background on my life at the time: I had just opened up a LAN Center, I had been working every day for the last four months to prepare for the opening. So, my friend set me up with a friend of his wife. I picked her up and took her out to this nice restaurant in town. Trying to decompress from a full four months of work was a little bit difficult, but I managed to not talk about work at all.
We picked up on interests and things we like to do outside of work. Since my work at the time was games, I didn’t really bring up that I played games and ran a LAN center. Somehow the conversation turned into major dislikes and turnoffs and she brought up how much she hated gaming. She went on a five-minute tirade on how games are the devil and those who sell them and enable children to play them are the problem with society.
Computer games are going to be the downfall of society as we know it and she won’t have anything to do with them. I quietly sat there listening with a dumb grin on my face which she interpreted as agreeing with her. She finishes talking and then goes, “So what do you do for a living?” I sat there for a second thinking how to respond—but then I finally came up with the perfect answer: “I’m the devil and I corrupt kids’ souls.” She freaked out and hurried out of the restaurant. I don’t think she got the joke…
10. The Cherry On Top
I was set up by a friend when I was 16. He took me to the movies (at the mall) and awkwardly tried to make out. Then we sat in the food court and he asked my honest opinion of him. I mumbled something typical like, “You seem nice.” Without invitation, he then delved into what he thought of me, which was attractive but could be really hot if I lost 5-10lbs. Then he left me for a bit, which was weird, and returned with a lovely gift…a creepy puppet.
11. TGI Forget About It
Two friends and I are hanging out one day when we get a call. It’s our mutual friend. He wants us to come to dinner with him and his girlfriend. They wanted to go to TGIFridays. We politely decline and tell him that we are all poor college students and TGIFridays isn’t very good. We invite them over and offer to cook (my buddy is actually a really good cook).
Thirty minutes later, we get called again. It’s not our friend, it’s his girlfriend. She wants to know why we aren’t coming to TGIFridays. We reply that it is expensive and that we’d much rather cook for her and her friends (we learned earlier that she was actually trying to set us up with three of her friends).
“But it will be better! You’ll enjoy yourself!” “I’m sorry, but we can’t really justify spending that much! We have food here, we’d love to meet your friends, but we don’t want to go to TGIFridays.” “Oh, come on,” (patronizing tone of course), “if it’s that big a deal, I’ll pay for you.” “That’s not necessary. There are three of us.”
She continued to whine and patronize us and finally put her whipped boyfriend (our mutual friend) back on the phone. He whines to us some more. We reluctantly agree to go as long as she lets him come out with us on Friday night. Fast forward a few hours, we get to TGIFridays. We meet our friend and his girlfriend and three girls from her church group.
We tried to be civil, but they were just so boring, very Christian, and incredibly snobby. We had no desire to be there. So, we broke out the emergency alcohol stash. All five flasks of it. Got incredibly drunk. America’s Funniest Home Videos was on the television. So much funnier when intoxicated.
We got really loud and migrated to the bar to watch a basketball game. My buddy ordered a slice of cake and managed to get none of it in his mouth and most of it on the floor/table. He then heard someone with a New York accent and went over to ask them for their driver’s license so he could compare it to his fake, as NY IDs are apparently really easy to fake.
The guy was cool about it, but we were still asked to leave. We tipped pretty well if that’s worth anything.
12. Real Men Get Lost
I have a story about a date that didn’t even get to happen. I got set up to meet somebody off the internet, who lived about an hour away. He was going to come into the city, and we would meet for lunch, go to the local Aviary, be all giggly and stuff, and hang out with some birds. Then (because I am a very emancipated woman) maybe come home for the naked fun times.
I didn’t know a whole lot about him at all, but I was willing to entertain the possibility, and it had been ages since I’d been on a date—working too hard, studying too much. The idea of a relaxing day was really pleasant. He was supposed to pick me up at noon. At 12:30, he calls and tells me he’s lost; he thinks he knows where I am, I should just hang tight.
What followed was SIX HOURS of getting a phone call every hour where I offered to come and find him, and he said nope! Nope. A real man doesn’t accept handouts like that! I made lunch, ate it. Watched a movie. Read a book. Spent a stupid amount of time on the phone listening to him curse at the city, the drivers in the city, the road signs in the city, and his car.
Finally, at nearly 7:00 pm he says, “I think I’ll stop at another gas station and get more directions,” and I just cut him off right there. “No. Sorry. No. Go home. This isn’t going to work. I’m ticked off and frustrated with you. Just go home.” “But aren’t you gonna give me a chance?” “Go home!” And then he called me the b-word and I hung up on him.
Went and played some video games. The end.
13. Up In Smoke
Picked up my blind date from a sober living house. Went to the park and ate some sandwiches she made. She was so nervous she smoked an entire pack of cigs (or what was left anyway). Before taking her back home because she couldn’t relax, she had me stop at the store. She came out with an entire carton. Then I took her home.
14. It’s Serial
I’ve only been on one blind date, a few years ago. It was with the investment banker son of one of my mother’s friends. One of her attempts at finding me a respectable boy from a good family. So that night he calls to ask if I could pick him up instead since his car broke down. I thought, no problem, and asked where he lived.
The guy was staying at a buddy’s place an hour from my house, ugh, but still no problem I thought. So, I get dressed in my cutest little black dress and heels to channel the grace of Audrey Hepburn, and gosh darn it, I think I did well. I pick the guy up and he’s not all bad. A little on the short side but he has a cute face and seems fit.
So, we get to the restaurant and order. He gets a few drinks into him and we have a conversation about jobs/stuff/blah blah but then it arrived at who we admired. His answer chilled me to my core: Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, just, ya know, without the killing and stuff. He said he admired the character and aspired to live that kind of life (without the killing of course).
DING DING DING…the alarm bells were going off in my head. So, trying to change the subject, I mention the frat that he was in (we both went to the same university) and that I knew some of the guys. He then proceeds to tell me that, yeah, all his friends were just vehicles for him to get ahead in life and that he didn’t really like any of them. Okay.
Then comes the check. He forgot his wallet. So, I paid. Just awesome. By now I was just looking for this night to be done with, but no. Things had to get more fun. On the way back to the garage we pass by an alley and he leans in and whispers into my ear and says, “You’re really hot and I want to screw you behind that pile of garbage,” and he LICKS MY EAR!
WAaaaaaaah blashhldflka Do Not Want! I told him the night is over, gave him some money, and said that he could take public transportation home. I then called my friends and went out to a bar to drink the experience away. Needless to say, I was jumpy for a few days, expecting an ax to come out from a corner at any moment.
15. Parallel Lives
3-4 months ago, I was talking to a girl on OkCupid. Things were going pretty well and we decided to get together. I was on a budget because I was saving to move out of the country, so I suggested a local Thai place which had $0.25 cent beers with an entrée, figuring the food was pretty decent and the cheap beer wouldn’t hurt.
I offered to pick her up, but she declined, which is completely respectable. The night of the date, I’m running about five minutes late and feeling a bit rushed when I get a call from her. Even though I gave her an exact address in an easy to find place in town, she’s having trouble getting there. She ends up calling me back 6-7 times in the next 45 minutes as she tries to find her way there, no advice I could give was helping this girl.
By this point, I’ve already been there 30+ minutes and am about three-quarters of the way through my first beer. Red flags about how incompetent this girl must be are going crazy, but I’m already on the ride. The final time she calls me she says, “Hey, is there parking lot?” to which I reply, “No, it’s all street parking, but there were a lot of open spots when I parked.” She then replies, “I don’t know how to parallel park.” Mind you this is a city, parallel parking is a way of life.
I’m pretty dumbfounded that she doesn’t possess this skill. This is already a nightmare in my mind, and as I sit there pondering how to solve it, she asks if I would mind coming out to park her car. I agree and start walking outside, being a bit embarrassed at having to explain that I’ll be right back to the hostess.
I walk outside and a few minutes later she pulls up. First of all, this girl was not as advertised. I got Myspace-angled hard. I’m not someone who needs the perfect girl, but I’m telling you this was out of control. I climb into the driver’s seat and the first thing I say is how weird it is. I tell her I haven’t driven anything but a manual in three years and her automatic feels very strange.
I slowly accelerate and head down the block. Part of the way down I see an open spot. I let off the gas and instinctively go to push in the clutch. Instead, I stomped the brake. Hard. This girl had quite a lot of mass and wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. Any physics student knows what happened next. Her head flew forward and nailed the dashboard.
I start apologizing like crazy, and luckily she wasn’t hurt. We spent the next hour having a really awkward dinner and then parted ways. No, we didn’t call each other.
16. All She Does is Wine, Wine, Wine
I met a girl online and we talked maybe three times over the course of a couple of weeks. Then one night out of the blue she texts and asks if she should come over with a bottle of wine…I say sure, since she seemed pretty cool. She turns up half an hour later with an open bottle of wine she has half emptied already. She finishes that off within 10 minutes and I open another bottle, which is gone in another half an hour.
She passes out in my bed, waking up occasionally, trying to kiss me. She then pees in my bed and doesn’t wake up for three hours. I played PlayStation.
17. Don’t Call Me
I was set up with a friend of my roommate’s girlfriend. Let’s call the date “Lisa” and let’s call the roomie’s gf “Karen.” I knew what she looked like so I knew there was an attraction but I had never spoken with her. We met outside of the restaurant and Lisa was on her cell phone. I figured it must have been important, but as we walked in and waited for the table she kept talking about stupid junk.
She was clearly on the phone with a BFF about nonsense. She gets off the phone, doesn’t apologize, and we get seated. About two minutes later her phone rings again and it is the same, “OMG, no way!” garbage conversations. The waitress comes over and we order drinks…while she is still on the phone and I twiddle my thumbs.
The drinks come, Lisa is still on the phone….I’m half done my drink and have waved the waitress off once already because Lisa is still on the phone. I’m not proud of what I did next…ok, I’m a little proud. Finally, about 20 minutes into the call, I quietly stand up, take $20 out of my wallet, and walk out without saying a word. As I’m walking out, I see Lisa’s eyes widen to the size of dinner plates, her mouth open wide, and her face turn red in embarrassment (all of the surrounding tables had seen what transpired and were whispering to themselves about it).
By the time I got home, my date Lisa was on the phone with Karen who was over at our house at the time. It didn’t occur to me until now that my date was probably on the phone with Karen the whole time! Karen was furious. As soon as I walked through the door, she started attacking me with, “You are such a jerk, why would you just leave her there and not say anything!?!?”
I looked her dead in the eyes and calmly replied, “I didn’t want to interrupt such an important phone call,” and then walked into my room and went to bed. As I was leaving the living room, I noticed the same expression on her face that Lisa had when I left the restaurant.
18. No Match
When I was very young, probably around 12 or 13, an older friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a shop with him. I said I didn’t have any problems with it and happily went along. On the way there he said he was meeting up with a girl and asked if I’d mind talking to her sister. Her sister was severely handicapped and in a wheelchair.
Of course, I didn’t find this out until I met her. The girl then decided she didn’t like me and proceeded to insult me.
Not my story, but a friend of mine used to have a weekly get-together at his apartment on Fridays. One Friday there was this round/plump goth girl who my friend had met online. He had apparently been exchanging messages with her and had invited her to the party to get to know her better. However, whenever my friend turned his back, this girl would rub up against whatever guy was closest to her (most of the guys didn’t enjoy this, nor were they sure what to do).
Later in the night (after I had left) she ended up making out with two of the party-goers. However, my friend would later say that they’d hooked up before the party began, so the joke was on them.
20. Pulling a Possum
So, I was going to school in New Jersey. The school that I was attending had about a 15:1 guy to girl ratio, so you can imagine how much fun THOSE parties were. So, getting pretty desperate for female attention, I turned my eyes to a couple of online dating sites. After a few weeks, I set my sights on one girl who I had talked to a few times. We decide to get together after quite a bit of flirting.
I should mention at this point that I was aware from the beginning that she had three (!) kids. I took caution to this, but figured since I wasn’t long for New Jersey, to just take this as a sign that she was romantically active. I should also mention that the town I was living in was a trash hole that didn’t house a single attractive, or even moderately attractive woman within a 30-mile radius.
So, I drive about 30 minutes to this bar in her home town the next Friday to meet her. I run into her almost immediately. I assess the situation. She’s got a cute face and a nice rack. She has a few extra pounds on her, but not to any point where I would call her fat. We have quite a few drinks while chilling, playing shuffleboard, talking to her ex-lesbian lover (another story maybe). We decide to leave the bar a few hours later.
She suggests going back to the apartment, which I assume is hers (more to come on that). Before we do though, she grabs a 12 pack of Michelob Ultra (blah) from the bar’s cooler and tells me to walk, like this a normal thing in this trash hole that is Bloomington, New Jersey. We get to THE apartment and start drinking the beer.
Conversation dies down pretty quick, so I just throw it out there, being that I am drunk, “Wanna do it?” Not the classiest moment of my life, but it worked so I’m not embarrassed about it. She takes me by the hand and we go to the bedroom. She takes off her pants, I take off mine, and we start going at it. A few minutes in, we hear the front door open—and this is where the night took a disturbing turn.
Immediately, she tells me to stop and pretend I’m sleeping. I’m all, “What?” The door to the room opens, and the light turns on. All I can hear is, “OH WHAT?!” I peek over my shoulder and see a girl and a very large guy standing in the doorway looking shocked. The guy is freaking out, and the girl is trying to calm him down, telling him it’s okay.
I’m dead, I know it. This is how my life is going to end. The only thing that saves me is when he takes the girl and throws her to the ground. This ticks her off more than I have ever seen another person get, and he immediately starts apologizing to her as they leave the room. I jump out of bed, throw my pants back on, and sprint out the door.
I later find out that it was her sister’s place/room, and she was living with her boyfriend. A boyfriend who very well could play linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys. Scariest moment of my life, and worst blind date experience.
21. Kissing in 3D
This super smooth guy said to me, within the first hour, “I’m sorry, I just really want to make out with you right now.” Later, after I obviously was all, “Um, I’d like to get to know you better first,” he took me to a 3D Imax movie about bugs. (Back when 3D was reserved for science!) The movie was cool, but then he leaned over to me with those glasses on…he was trying to kiss me with those glasses on…
22. Just a Couple Drinks
Met a girl from the internet. Went to a local bar where she was having happy hour with her coworkers. When I showed up, I realized that she must have started competition eating between the time the pictures were taken and the time I met her. A little awkward, but I didn’t really care too much, and her one coworker was hot (think Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction) so I was down to chill.
We sit down and my “date” starts slamming drinks. Within 45 minutes she has become the loudest and most belligerently drunk person in the bar. Everyone is looking at us. After a bit, I politely excuse myself and say that I’m going to head home. She starts yelling at me, calling me a wimp, etc…I’m like, “what is happening,” and just walk out the front door.
She follows me, yelling…it was quite awesome. Then she sends me texts later telling me she went home with one of the guys at the bar and that I don’t know what I’m missing. It was awesome! I laid off the OkCupid for a while after that.
23. Videogames Are Expensive, Babe
Once went on a date with a guy from work (bad idea) who took me to Dave and Buster’s. During the meal, he said all of the following:
- I have a short attention span and can’t date a single girl for over three months.
- I want to become a professional video game player.
- I want to train to be a professional eater.
- I don’t want to work a day in my life. I just want to play paintball.
He was 23 years old, and I was 20. Even I knew this was childish nonsense. Later on, at the movie, he asked if I would pay for our tickets because he ran out of money on our $25 dinner at the arcade.
24. Aborting This Date
I went on a blind date two years ago with a guy one of my good friends set me up with. He just started university at USC and was majoring in political science. I thought he sounded pretty smart from what my friend told me and agreed. We met at Laguna Beach and had dinner at The Greeter’s Restaurant, which is this cute little place that doesn’t have the best decor, but has good food with large portions.
It was fine at first because he was cute and we had some things in common like music and traveling. It wasn’t until he started mentioning that he did not support gay marriage and abortions and IVF babies. I’m an IVF baby, and it’s a sore subject because my mom tried so hard to have a baby with my dad and it wasn’t until she tried IVF that she had me.
Stupidly, I asked him what he had against IVF babies. He immediately spews on and on that IVF babies are nothing more than objects of status to their parents, that it violates the rights of the child, depriving them of their true relationship with their parents, and can hinder the maturing of personality, etc.
By this point, I was done with the date and just nodded along to whatever he said. After he paid the check, he drove me home and walked me to the front door. I unlocked it and then turned around to say good night when he leaned in with his tongue already out. I didn’t know what to do so I tilted my head so he would hit my cheek.
Worst feeling ever of a tongue licking your face. When I went inside, he looked at me, shocked, and asked if I was going to invite him in. When I told him no, he got ticked and said that, “I paid for your freaking dinner!” By then, I just wanted to drink a bottle of wine by myself, so I took $10 out of my wallet, threw it in his face, and closed the door.
25. Well, That Stinks
I was chatting with this girl online and she was fairly good-looking. She was a cute, petite blonde. She was maybe 23, and I was probably 24 or so. She had a thin body with small breasts. She even sent me some sensual pics, alluded to light bondage, and seemed like she was up for whatever.
When we met, she looked just like her pic. I was happy to meet her, but there were some red flags: She started saying girlfriend-y stuff right away. She mentioned Valentine’s day, as if we were absolutely necessarily going to spend it together. BTW, she was a Ph.D. candidate in biology at a prestigious U.S. university.
Anyway, she seemed to be a little bit promiscuous, mentioning that she did it with a lot of her lab partners. That was all fine with me. What wasn’t fine was her breath. She had acute halitosis. We went back to her place where she started playing with handcuffs and such. However, I couldn’t get over her breath.
She was in just her panties, and I was probably half-naked myself, and I started to realize that my member wasn’t going to get hard. I had to make a choice about telling her that I had a bad case of nerves, or that her breath was unbearable. I gave her a line about not being over my ex, and that it just didn’t feel right yet. She was offended, started to cry, and kicked me out.
26. Getting Unlucky
Well, it wasn’t really a “blind” date, as I had seen photos, but on my first date with someone I met online, I reached into my pocket to pay for dinner and a strip of condoms fell out of my pocket. It landed right there on the floor between us. And it wasn’t like it fell out of my wallet…it was obvious that I had hastily shoved the brand new condoms in my pocket right before the date.
It was very clearly as if I was expecting to get it on that date. I was pretty embarrassed, and for the rest of the night felt like a jerk. I figured the cause was lost. We ended up going out for like a year, though, and it was funny in retrospect. Not at the time, though.
27. The Ol’ Switcheroo
I had just come back home from college and was having a night drinking at the local watering hole when I noticed the place had a new bartender. New attractive bartender. Short hair, nice tattoos that were clearly leading to interesting places and an Electric Six shirt. Oh. Yes. So, I start making a bit of conversation, and much to my surprise, we seem to really hit it off.
This wasn’t just a bartender-is-everyone’s-best-friend-until-they-leave hitting it off, but a really cool conversation. She starts hinting at if I’m seeing anyone, and I say no, and she immediately reaches into her pocket and starts writing something down. “On top is the number at the apartment, and these are directions. We’re having a party on Wednesday night, and you should come.”
True enough, a phone number and directions. What would you think? Wednesday comes and I’m dressed up and ready to impress. I head over to her place, knock on the door, and there she is, looking amazing. She smiles and hugs me, grabs me by the hand, and drags me through the party until she gets to this big dude. “Jonas, this is my roommate Jeff. Jeff, this is Jonas.”
I do the whole pleasantry thing, but when I turn around, she’s gone. I mean, poof. Gone. Like Batman. Not knowing anyone else, I just keep on talking to Jeff. Seems like a good guy. Then it finally hit me. Suddenly he stops me mid-sentence and says, “You’re not gay, are you?” “No?” “You should really tell Liz that.” She had apparently set up the entire party as an excuse to hook me up with her roommate.
I had been on a blind date with a dude and didn’t even know.
28. In the Pocket
Ever played billiards on a first date? Imagine everything going great with the date…until she decides to flirt by sneaking up on you from behind while you’re taking a shot. Before her flirt, you take the shot and as you lean back your head connects directly with her nose, breaking it. Yeah, good times.
29. I Think It Went Bad
I was waiting tables and a former co-worker came in with her boyfriend. After catching up with her, she suggested I come out with her, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend’s brother, because they agreed I was his type. I was 21 and he and they all were mid to late 20s. I had never gone on a blind date, but I like older guys so I met them all at a dive bar.
I was getting along swimmingly with my date and even discovered that we had both lived in the same two northern cities before moving to the same southern city. Then they started ordering shots. I thought I was a somewhat heavy drinker, so I figured I could wow them with my amazing ability to keep up with their Patron shots. I was so, so wrong.
Later, I vaguely recall violently vomiting in the bathroom with the other girl, while she looked in the mirror and talked about herself, every so often saying I’d be all right. The next morning, I woke up on their couch with a serious hangover. I was humiliated so I bolted and took off in my car (my date had driven me back to their place, which was near the bar, in my car, and set me up on the couch, so that was pretty gentlemanly).
I drove in circles for about 40 minutes before I found my way out of the neighborhood and went home. Despite my terrible first impression, I guess I hooked him pre-vomit, because he still called me the next day to make sure I was okay and ask me out again.
30. Sacrifice of the Night
I met this girl who was an aspiring model. I was really excited about meeting her. On our first date, she invited me over for dinner and a movie. When we sat down to watch the movie she stopped and told me she could see the colors of my aura. Now, I have known her for all of 45 minutes and she says that her aura matches with my aura and we will be getting married.
I’m 24 years old and freaking out. But being 24 and she being really hot I stayed. Later, she invites me to see her room and I notice this table with all these candles and strange things on it. I ask her about it, and she tells me she is a witch who can cast spells. Then she started talking really strange about how she is a virgin and she wants to make sacrifices.
Very strange. When she left the room I went out the back door and jumped her fence and got to my car and drove as fast as I could. Thank God the date wasn’t at my house.
31. Dinner & a Show
Drove 40 minutes for a date with a woman who didn’t have a car, but she seemed really nice. Everything was going well for the first 10 minutes, then her ex showed up at the bar and joined us. They fought in front of me for 40 minutes, and I was just really hungry and enjoying the show with my dinner. Turns out she cheated on him, and I spent the rest of the date talking to him. Super nice dude.
32. A Strong Push Out of the Closet
I went on a date with a woman who I met at a karaoke bar. We met for tea, which was really uncomfortable because I didn’t know what kind of tea to order on a date, so I got chamomile to soothe my nerves. She talked a lot—I mean a lot. About her cats, the mean person at work, and her favorite brand of toothpaste. I could deal with all that—but what she said next just blew my mind.
Eventually, she told me that she had a tattoo above her posterior of an arrow pointing downwards and the words “EXIT ONLY.” I blinked, asked her why she would get a tattoo of that, and then moved a small step towards the journey of accepting my own gender preferences. I came out as gay two years later.
33. What’s The Number for Godzilla?
Back in the late ’80s—before the internet—there were chat lines. 976-xxxx numbers that you could call and pay to chat with all sorts of people. A good friend of mine, we’ll call him Ed, was big into these lines but didn’t have a car. One night he asked me if I’d drive him down to South Philly to meet this girl her talked to on the phone.
She’d bring a friend with her and it’d be a double date. After some hemming and hawing, curiosity won out and off we went. If I’d known what I was in for, I’d have turned and ran. His instructions were to park on the corner, get out, and call her on the payphone. Standard “pre-scoping-out” tactics. While he’s on the phone some 12-year-old kid comes up, talks to him, and rides away on his bike.
Ed gets back in the car and I ask what that was about. He said the kid said, “Are you the one here to meet Sally (fictitious name)?” When Ed said yeah, the kid laughed and said we’d better leave; she’s a beast. While we’re debating whether this kid was being a saint, or maybe a friend of an ex-boyfriend, two visions of south Philly hotness come strolling up to the car.
One introduced herself as Sally’s sister and told us they’d be right out. As they stroll away in their 80s tight jean hotness we’re thinking, “Jackpot!” If that’s the younger sister, how bad can she and her friend be? As we’re high fiving and rolling a fatty (a doobie back in the day for you youngins’) we feel the car begin to shake as if Godzilla was coming down Tasker Ave.
As we turn and gaze out the window it was Godzilla AND her uglier friend. OMG!!!! They came up to the window and started to ask where we were going out. At this point I just deferred to Ed and let him handle it. They walked away saying they’d be right back as they wanted to tell their moms they were going out.
As we sat there in stunned silence, I started to ask what we do. Ed said it’s up to me as it’s my car and all. It took about 1/100th of a second to make up my mind and I popped the clutch on my 83 Datsun B210 hatchback (Okay, it was Dad’s car). We chirped tires up and out of there watching the kid on his bike laugh his butt off.
We decided to smoke and go shoot some pool and got back to Ed’s apartment around midnight. One of his roommates was outside and laughing asked what we did that night. “Oh, nothing much—hung out, shot pool, the usual.” And then his roommate springs out, “So… know anyone named Sally?” Uh-oh…Apparently she called in a fit of rage and mistook Ed’s roommate for him (and the roommate freely admitted that when she screamed “Is this Ed?!?!?” that he said yes because it sounded like it’d be something funny!!)
As a side note, the second time Ed asked me to take him to someone he met on these chat lines, she turned out to be a hottie. They lived together for several years before parting ways.
34. Eating Buddies
A coworker introduced me to a friend of hers after going on about how much we had in common. I finally agreed one day to go on a date with her and off we went. We went out to eat at what was apparently her favorite restaurant. She was attractive, very smart, pretty funny, and seemed to be interested in me. It was a solid date.
We start texting one night to plan the second date, and she wants to go out to the same restaurant again. I ask if she’d like to do something else, like maybe ice skating or the science center, and she said, “As long as we can go out to eat first.” Thought this was weird, but okay. I asked if she’d like me to pick her up this time, as we had simply met there previously.
She responds with, “I don’t think my boyfriend would like that.” Wait…what? This led to a very awkward conversation over the phone. Apparently, she saw nothing wrong with going on dates with me, but didn’t want to do anything “romantic.” I asked her why she didn’t tell me this information from the beginning and she said she didn’t think it was a big deal.
Eventually, she admitted that she wanted someone to take her out because her “boyfriend never feeds her.” I told her it wasn’t going to work out and she actually asked, “Are we still going out to eat?” About a month after that, after neither of us had spoken to other, she randomly texted me again asking if I wanted to go out to eat again.
35. Ex Marks the End
I’ve only been on one real blind date. I met someone online and we began chatting every few days, just kind of getting to know each other, or so I thought. She said she had just moved to the area, was staying with an old family friend but didn’t really know many people, so I suggested we go out to this little hookah bar that was about halfway between our respective places.
8:00 pm rolls around and I pull up in front of her place, a townhouse in a nice neighborhood that happened to be a few blocks from where an old friend used to live. She was already waiting outside, which struck me as odd, but I figured maybe she felt like a smoke before leaving. She looked exactly like she did in her pictures—about 5′ 8″, maybe 120 lbs., long (dyed) blond hair, a few facial piercings. Not exactly my type, but not bad to look at either.
I get out, introduce myself and open the door for her, and we’re off. Turns out we have similar taste in music, so the ride over to the bar was pleasant enough. I hadn’t been there in years, and was unaware they had hired a DJ to spin on Friday nights. You could barely hear a thing inside, so we chose to sit out on the tiny patio.
We ordered drinks, she chose a shisha flavor, and we continued chatting. This, my friends, is where things begin to go downhill. She asked about my profession (reporter), so naturally I asked about hers, to which she replied, “I’ve had the same job for about three years. Taking care of my kids.” Children. This was an interesting development in that she had never mentioned being a mother in our previous conversations.
Nor did her figure seem to indicate that she was a mother of two, spaced just two years apart. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind kids, but at the same time, I’m not looking to get involved in a relationship with someone who already has children. Just a little young for that. Having broached that particular subject, she begins to tell me, at length, about the father.
Abusive, never around, with drug problem she apparently shared. I’ve smoked weed before, and tried my fair share of psychedelics, but these were hard drugs she was talking about. Things continue to spiral south, and I quickly realize that this particular individual is likely suffering from some serious mental/relationship issues.
We finish our drinks and head back to my car, when she drops a line that sends me running for the hills. “I’m not gonna sleep with you tonight, but I’ll probably get drunk and screw you sometime soon.” I’m now officially ready to put an end to this travesty of a date, but having never had any experience with blind dates was not entirely sure how to go about wrapping things up.
It’s still fairly early, maybe 10:00 pm or so, and she is making it clear she would like to continue the evening. I’m racking my brain trying to figure something out, when it hits me: The Twins. The Twins were an interesting pair, either the cheeriest individuals you could ever hope to meet or at each other’s throats, depending on when you happened to run into them.
They liked to party and had a small house across town that I frequented. I hadn’t been to their place in a bit, so I gave them a ring and asked if I could bring someone over. Thankfully they were in an amicable mood and invited us both over. Now, I mentioned I hadn’t been to The Twins place in some time, so I was unaware of the fact that they had acquired a new roommate who was sleeping in the unfinished basement.
We arrive, and one of The Twins suggests giving her the grand tour. Eventually, we make our way to the basement, when lo and behold, another one of her apparently numerous exes is stretched out across a bare mattress on the floor. This is the moment I knew I was saved.
Before the guy even had a chance to get up, she dashes across the room, throws herself on the bed, and starts hugging him, saying how much she missed him. My friend gives me a look of concern, being currently unaware that the chick is completely crazy. I grinned and whispered under my breath, “Good, she’s his problem now.”
36. Two’s a Crowd
Met up with a guy from OkCupid. I had mentioned I was into hockey while we were messaging, so he asked me out to watch a game at a bar and then grab dinner. He was cute, I liked the banter we had going, so I said sure. He picks a super crowded sports bar (not ideal for a date but we were supposed to watch a game so that makes sense) except it’s so crowded it’s insane. You could barely get in the door at this place.
He arrived 10 minutes late, and then sat at the one empty seat at the bar while I awkwardly stood at his shoulder, trying to flag down the bartender. He got himself a beer, didn’t think to get me one. After about 15 minutes of this, I suggest we just go ahead and get dinner somewhere where I know they have TVs and it will be less crowded.
He offers to drive us over to the place I suggested, so I get in his car (NEVER DO THIS! THIS WAS DUMB!!) and it’s absolutely disgusting. There were at least a dozen empty energy drink cans all over the floor where I was trying to put my feet. The drink holder thing was filled with smoke butts…why would he offer to drive me when his car was this gross?! We could have driven separately!!
We get to the restaurant and he insists on a two-top table right next to the big window at the front of the place. Over the course of the 42 minutes we were in this restaurant, he went outside to smoke SEVEN TIMES. Each time he would stand on the other side of the big window and just look down at me. Just staring at me intensely while puffing away out there. It was awful.
37. ID Crisis
A guy at my work asked me to take his daughter out. So, to be nice, I said yes despite not knowing anything about her. The only thing he said was she was previously living with her mom and just recently moved back and didn’t really know anyone. So anyways a movie was coming out that I really wanted to see and I already planned on going to watch it with some friends, but I thought it would be fine for her to come along as well to hopefully make it less awkward.
I told the dad when we were planning on seeing the movie and told him I could pick her up right before we head to the theater to watch it. So, he gives me the address and sets up the rest on his end. There’s a little bit before the movie starts, so I get ready and then I go to pick this girl up. I knock on the door and when it opens, I immediately realize something isn’t quite right.
I look at the girl’s face and realize her lipstick isn’t only on her lips. And then we do our little greetings and I realize this poor girl is a little bit slow. This is definitely something I wish the dad had let me know though, because now it’s just really awkward for me. So anyways we go ahead and go to the movies to meet up with my friends. When we arrive, I introduce her to my friends and they kinda just give me an, “oh dang, sorry,” look.
So, we get in line to get tickets and when we finally get to the register we find out the movie is rated R and she didn’t bring her ID with her. So we try to figure out what we’re gonna do. Right about the same time her brother comes up. He starts talking to us and finds out that she can’t watch. He tells us that he needs a ride home, so I just go ahead and take the two home. During the ride there they decide to just get high together instead of picking up her ID and going back to see the movie.
38. On a Break
I had been single for around nine months and resorted to chatrooms to see if I could meet a girl in my city. I started chatting with this girl who sounded great: same age, friendly, brown hair, green eyes, curves in the right places, does some modeling. Sweet! She doesn’t want to send me a pic for privacy reasons or whatever (should’ve heard alarm bells).
So, we decide to meet downtown for dinner. Hmm, she sure is a bit short and chubby for a model! Never mind, she seems nice in person so we go to dinner. The small talk was pretty average and the whole time she is looking around nervously. I finally ask her what’s wrong. She says, “Oh nothing, I’m just worried that my boyfriend might walk past and see us.” WTF?!!
Sensing my shock, she tries to appease me by saying, “We’ve been together for a couple years, but really it’s been over for a few months now. I just haven’t worked up the courage to dump him yet.” Right there I was so tempted to go to the bathroom and never come back. I decided to be a gentleman instead. We finished our dinner and I walked her to the train station. She called and emailed me a few times afterward, but I just ignored her. Surely, she knew the reason why.
39. Respect the Elders, Lady
I was walking in the park with this stupid teenage girl. We saw this old man pushing his bike up a steep hill…and this girl says VERY LOUDLY, “Oh man, that old bloke is really WEAK.”…Right then, I stopped thinking she was right for me.
40. Mission… Succeeded?
About five years back, two of my fraternity brothers (call them Jon and Tim) decided to meet up with these girls who Jon had met at the bar earlier in the week. So, we decide to meet up at a bar and grab some dinner while watching the ball game. On the way to the bar, our buddy Tim says, “Guys, you’re going to go along with me on the fact that I’m deaf.”
Me and Jon look at each other and just shrug and go whatever, we’ll play along. So, Tim manages to pull this off for the three hours we’re at the bar. Jon throws out the idea of going back to the girls place and watching a movie. This is where I part ways with my two friends as I see Jon is hitting it off with the one girl and Tim has the other melting in his hands.
So, they get back to the girls’ place and begin watching a movie. The movie starts and Tim, in a slurred voice, yells at Jon, “JON! You forgot to turn the subtitles on! You know I can’t watch a movie without the subtitles!” So, Jon puts the titles on and they begin watching the movie. Jon and the one girl head to her room and start doing the deed.
Meanwhile, Tim and the girl he’s been talking to all night are out on the couch still watching the movie and writing notes to each other. Basically, the girl is telling him how cool she thinks he is for being so normal and being able to cope with being deaf. Tim then responds with a gesture pointing to his ears.
“You know it’s really hard to fit in sometimes but what I lack here (points to ears) I make up for here (holds his heart).” Girl then falls for it and they immediately get ready to head to her place. As they step outside Tim mentions that it’s pretty cold so maybe they should jog to her place. The girl agrees and right there Tim bolts down the street as fast as he can run. The girl starts yelling for him to stop and wait but oh yeah what’s that going to do, Tim’s apparently deaf!
Occasionally, I would meet women on Craigslist. I responded to this 19-year-old white girl’s ad to hang out. I texted her a bit and it became clear that she was less intelligent than me. Somehow, I found her Myspace page and one line stuck out. The line where it says, “Who would you like to meet?” and she wrote, “My parents, ha-ha fat chance.” I figured that was just a joke or something.
Anyway, I was feisty and she was posting in the casual encounters section, so I figured this would be easy. After about a week of texting and emailing, we don’t really make much progress, but her black friend starts emailing me and she seems REALLY into me. So, eventually I agree to hang out with her, and she wants the friend to come along, too. So, I’m thinking, threesome.
They both don’t have cars, so I drive to pick them up. First red flag gets raised when they tell me they live in state-funded housing on a hospital campus. I Googled the place and figured out that it’s housing for orphans. I go down and pick them up, and discover that the camera was hiding about 10-20 lbs. on each of them.
I’m already regretting going out for this. I take them to the mall because the black girl had a gift certificate she wanted to spend. She bought a bunch of stuff at Hot Topic. I should also mention that this girl dressed very strangely. She wore a cut-up T-shirt, so that it was almost falling off of her. It was only held up by her ample bosom.
Basically, she is just chatting with her friend while I am standing around in Hot Topic. At one point, she drops something and is quite upset that I didn’t bend over to pick it up for her. She says, “Are your hands broke?” I just look at her, and at this point I know I am done here. The white girl is clearly under the black girl’s thumb and will do anything she says.
So, they finish in Hot Topic and the black girl says she is hungry, so I take them to a restaurant nearby and watch them pig out (It was like 10:00 at night, and I wasn’t hungry). They are on their phones the whole time we are at the table. I think they were texting each other and talking about me. During the meal the black girl starts rubbing my leg with hers and giving me “come hither” looks.
Thankfully, they paid for their own meal and were ready to go home. I take them back to their orphanage and promptly drive back to my house. I get on Craigslist when I get home and I see that the black girl has posted a new ad asking for someone to come over and sleep with her. And I never spoke to either of them again.
42. Mystery Date
Well, I’ve never personally gone on a blind date, but my friend accidentally set himself up with one. So, I’m going to call my friend Steve. Steve and I worked together at this retail store probably four years back, and we happened to work with this one girl roughly our age. She was cute, kind of tall, and fairly shy.
Anyway, fast forward four years. Steve had moved away for a year, then moved back home. He had been home for roughly 1.5 years, had no job or anything of the sort. He was in the store we used to work at one day and saw that this cute girl was still working there. Now he couldn’t remember her name. He sent me a pic of her and I recognized her, but again didn’t know her name.
Our original plan was myself, my gf, one of her friends, and my friend Steve were going to go see Toy Story 3. So, he decides he’s going to call up this girl who’s working and invite her out. He calls her up, talks to a manager, and finds out the girl working is called Tara (not her real name). So, he invites her out, and shockingly enough she agrees!
So, my friend Steve is all pumped, as it’s been literally years since he’s had a gf, and he calls me up and tells me about it. On my way into town I decide to stop in the store with my gf to walk by and see who’s working. Well…we either thought he asked out the wrong girl, or she was on break. We wandered around and couldn’t find her. So, we left, broke the news to Steve that his date might not be “as advertised.”
Regardless, 9:30 rolls around and we’re at the theatre. I’m buying tickets, and Steve wanders over and asks me what he’s supposed to do. Buy her a ticket and wait or what. I was so confused—but then I turned around and suddenly realized the hilarious truth. I see the girl who was working at the store…the WRONG girl. She’s quite a bit uglier than the girl he was aiming for, but ya…So, my gf and I just kind of quietly say, “Oh dang!” We break the news to him, and as we’re breaking the news she’s talking to the ticket guy, who’s only about 5 feet away.
She has no idea what he looks like, and they actually walked past each other without even noticing. So here they are, five feet apart, talking to their respective friends. She’s explaining to her friend that some random guy called her up on a date, and she didn’t know what to do, and my friend’s trying to figure out if he should introduce himself or not.
Amway’s, he ends up introducing himself, buys her the ticket…and shockingly enough they are around one month into their relationship now.
43. Do the Louis
I met a couple through a mutual friend and we hung out for a bit one night, had a decent time. I spent a couple days afterward texting back and forth with the wife of the couple, thinking hey, new friend. She eventually starts talking up this friend of hers, Gary, and it is clear she wants to set us up on a date. Okay, I think, I’m newly single again after five years of a bad relationship, we’ll see how this goes.
She describes him as “football player build”—not being a sports person, does not occur to me I should have asked her to clarify (would he be a quarterback or lineman, for instance). Anyhow, I meet Gary for coffee downtown. Suffice it to say, he is a substantial man. But I think hey, I’m not perfect either, I’ll give him a shot. We have an okay time over coffee, talking about regular random small talk topics.
He walks me back to my place, but the night is still young and he suggests hanging out and watching some Futurama. So, I invite him up. As soon as we are sitting down, he starts talking about his ex and all the drama she brought into his life, and it slowly comes to light that they may not be actually broken up, he is just “seeing what else is out there.”
Hm. At this point I’m more than over the date and am ready for him to get out of my apartment—so I go to the restroom and plan on feigning illness upon my return. Little did I realize, this night was about to take a horrifying turn: I return from the bathroom only to find him on my couch, touching himself furiously.
I freak out, ask him what he is doing, and he says, “What does it look like?” and makes a motion for me to come join him. I was kind of at a loss at this point, and I think all I did was say something about how he needs to leave. He removes his hand from inside his pants (did I mention he was wearing sweat pants? ick), shrugs, and exits. I never heard from him OR the woman who introduced me to him again.
44. The Evil Twin
So, this guy brings up this girl he knows through work named Andrea. He claims that this girl can whoop my butt at any game. He makes a few calls on his landline and gets hold of her and we set up a LAN party tomorrow (Saturday) with a few people. I swing by her place dragging my Apple desktop machine with StarCraft, Quake, and a few other titles, not really thinking these games are compatible with their PC counterparts.
I have a nasty habit of arriving too early for events. I was about to knock on the door when this girl opens the door quickly as if she was in a rush to get out of the house. Our eyes connect, I introduce myself, “Oh hey I’m ___, you must be Andrea.” We start to talk for a bit as we walk back to my car to get my computer. She sounds a bit excitable, and walks quickly to the car. As I walk to the back of the car to get my gear, she gets into the passenger seat.
I’m a bit confused why she is getting into the car, and I say, “What’s up?” She buckles her seatbelt as she looks at me and says, “I’m freaking starving, let’s get outta this place.” I said, “What about everyone else, they should be here soon.” She explained it was nothing to worry about, the door was unlocked and her sister was there.
I nod and ask what she wanted to eat; she points me to a Chinese place a few blocks away. It was a nice sit-down restaurant and I was a bit confused if this was supposed to be a blind date or just a chance to hang out. But she is pretty cute and I like Chinese, so I’m not going to say anything. I toss my jacket on the back of the chair and we put our order in.
Something does not seem right about her, she seems really jumpy, perhaps she is nervous because this thing turned into a date. Or so I think. Right after we put our order for appetizers in, my phone rings. I look at the number and it’s the guy I was talking to yesterday at the party. I excuse myself from the table and say I have to hit the bathroom to wash my hands.
I return his call, he asks me where I am. I explained that I was out to dinner with Andrea at the Chinese place a few blocks away, and we should be back in a bit. He says, “Take your time, we are coming over now.” I’m a bit disappointed, I’ve been out of the dating game for a while and I tell him, “Do you mind if we have dinner together? She seems pretty nice, it’s kinda turned into a date thing and…” my friend cut me off and says, “Don’t’ freaking leave the restaurant, we’ll be over in two minutes,” and hung up on me. This is when things got insane.
I’m going back and forth between furious and confused. As I walk back to the table I see the fried springs rolls have arrived…but Andrea is gone, and so is her purse, and my jacket with my wallet in it. I’m asking the waiters where she is, and I walk outside where it’s about 10°F to see my car has been taken. I frantically call 9-1-1.
On the second ring, three squad cars pull up into the parking lot with lights and sirens. They pull in and see me shivering. They ask if I’m the guy. I’m still lost as to how they knew my name. They ask where Andrea is, I tell them I don’t know. I think she just took my parents’ minivan loaded with my computer gear.
As I’m telling them the make and model, my friend pulls up with this chick. He introduces me. It’s Andrea. Andrea informs me that I have already met her twin sister, Adriana. Both her and the boys in blue fill me in. Andrea played a prank on Adriana by swapping their mother’s recently used (positive) pregnancy test with Adriana’s (negative) test to get even for the previous week where she slept with her ex-boyfriend.
So, Adriana torched her sister’s car (where the said hookup took place) and decided to run away. Good timing on my behalf, getting there early to help her getaway. So, I head back to Adriana’s while the authorities go looking for the car. We hang out and play Super Puzzle Fighter and I get my butt handed to me.
After about two hours the authorities call us to say the car has been found and Adriana is currently under detainment. They want to know if I want to press charges. There is no damage to the car and she barely used any fuel, and I did not want my folks to know about it. Adriana’s father was a judge and they were quite lenient on her. I kept my distance from that family after that.
45. Red Flags Galore
College years. Set up on a date with a nice girl who was totally in love with her next-door neighbor and wanted to be a Catholic priest. One and done.
46. The Worst Kind of Deja Vu
A year and change ago, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship that I had broken off. I’m a driven person, and my work is what drives me. The relationship wasn’t great, so I wasn’t that torn up about having to end it. Several of my friends who don’t know me that well assumed that I was super depressed, because I wasn’t partying and going out as much as I normally do.
In reality, I just had a HUGE grant proposal to work on, which is a real pain in the butt and takes a lot of time. The relationship I had been in wasn’t serious, and it was only for a month-ish “unofficially” so it really wasn’t a big deal. She’s a weird one, so I was in the middle of introducing her to my extended friend circle when things broke off.
My friends came up with this whole plan of meeting me somewhere and then not showing up. They in fact had set me up with a blind date and called me right when I was outside the sushi joint. After getting angry, I figured what the heck, why not go in and share a meal with a stranger, what could happen, right? Imagine my surprise, when the girl I had just broken up with was sitting there waiting for me.
47. Chivalry? Nah
Sister’s husband wants me to go out with his best friend. Not so much blind, because we both had kinda known each other through him, but hadn’t ever talked exclusively among ourselves. First, he insists on opening doors for me. Not, like, the car door or a building door, that would have been okay. But everything.
When we pulled up to the movie theater, I tried to exit the car. Instead, he yelled, “NO, NO,” and ran out of the car and to the passenger side, pushed the door closed, and then opened it again. He took me to see Exit Wounds. Again, he made a scene at the box office when I said I’d pay for my own ticket. I had told him before that I thought first dates should be Dutch so that no one feels any undue pressure.
But he actually pushed me out of the way so he could pay for our tickets. I was steamed. After the movie, he asked if I wanted to go to Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee and dessert. I told him I had to get home. On the way home, he told me that he’d be really happy if I came to church with him on Sunday so I could meet his family. Ick.
48. Right Sentiment, Wrong Time
The first words out of her mouth were, “I just want you to know, I really hate patriarchy.” Not even a hello.
Waited for her at the theater for two hours. She shows up drunk. Watched a terrible movie, just whatever was about to start. She took me to a bar afterward. Ended up being a gay bar and she tried to get me to admit I was gay. I flirted with the gay bartender to make the night less awful.
50. Every Man’s Dream
My SO said he had a Match date where the woman got incredibly drunk, and as they were walking back to his car so he could drive her home, she asked him to “wait right here.” He thought maybe she was making a phone call or had to throw up, because she walked into an alley. Then she spread her legs and began peeing from under her skirt, spraying all over her legs and the wall of the alley, after which she called to him in a drunken slur, “Is this turning you on?”
There was no second date, and he scrubbed out his car seat with Mr. Clean.