Not every first date can be the stuff of poetry. It’s not about meeting the right or wrong person; dating is sometimes just a skill that some adults have yet to master. Standards like basic hygiene, conversation, boundaries, and basic honesty about one’s extra partners are, apparently, harder to meet than it seems. At least, this was the case when Reddit asked users to share the worst first dates that they’ve ever been on.
From spontaneous expulsions of blood to dates that were literally too clownish to function, the horror of these would-be lovers is our entertainment. Swipe left on these 42 uproariously shocking tales of first date horror stories.
42. The Key to My Heart (and My Car)
I met up with a girl I’d met on OkCupid, we had planned to go to this little coffee shop. I get there about 15 minutes early and find that the place is closed inexplicably. I then return to my car to find out I had locked my keys AND phone in my car.
So I had no choice but to just sit and wait for her to show up so I could explain to her that the place is closed AND ask her to help me get my keys out of my car.
41. When Sharing Is Not Caring
Went on a date with a guy I’d met through a mutual friend. Things seemed pretty normal until we were sitting and waiting for the movie to start. He got his phone out and started showing me pictures of two of his ex-girlfriends. Both women were completely naked.
40. Bleeding Heart
I had a casual first date with a guy at my apartment. We watched a movie that he had seen before and drank a bottle of wine and chatted. Toward the end of the movie there’s a little blood and the guy walked into my kitchen, pretended to get a glass of water, and dropped to the ground and started seizing.
It was terrifying. I ran over and kept saying his name and after a few seconds I was about to call 911, when he woke up, realized what happened and just said “Darn it…” Apparently the sight of blood really gets to him and this was not the first time this had happened.
To sum it up: date started with wine and talking, ended with him seizing on my kitchen floor.
39. No Points for Trying
I went out with a guy who I had met on Tinder. The entire time, we argued. Either he didn’t agree with me, or I didn’t agree with him, on ANYTHING.
Normally, I don’t argue with someone just because I don’t agree with them, but this guy was so arrogant. After leaving the bar, he somehow thought it would be a good idea to ask me to come up to his place. Saying “No” was the last time I spoke to him. RIP Tinder app.
38. Committed to the Bit
A cute-ish guy approached me at a foreign film screening at my university in Arizona and asked me out in French, which was the language of the film. I spoke college-level French, so I accepted the offer of a date. I mean, he was kind of cute.
When he picked me up that Friday night, he greeted me with “Guten tag!” Okay, cute, a reference to the foreign film screening, right? Nope. From that moment on he spoke nothing but clumsy German all night long.
He took me to Blockbuster (I’m old) and we rented a German film. He spoke German to the cashier. He spoke German through dinner. He spoke German while watching the film. He tried to get to first base in German. And yes, this whole time I was telling him repeatedly that I don’t speak German, I can’t understand him, etc. He just responded in German.
But the weirdest moment was when his roommate came home as I was awkwardly leaving (my date was trying to convince me to stay, in German) and my date interrupted our “conversation” to say in a perfectly normal Arizona accent, “Hey man, what’s up?” And then turned back to me and continued to speak German. Oooooookaaaay.
37. Slobbering Charming
I took him to a baseball game, where he proceeded to pronounce loudly to anyone and everyone around us that we were an “item.” He pulled out a very large bag of peanuts with the shells and started eating them…with the shells still on. He had pieces of shell all over his face while he kept asking my friends if they wanted any, occasionally spitting up nut particles on them, much to their horror and my extreme embarrassment.
He then tried getting into a full-on fight with me about a hypothetical situation where we would be caught on the kiss cam. “I’m just saying, if we’re on it we gotta go HARD!!” And I was just sitting there cringing and grinding my teeth into oblivion.
He drank so much that he never really even saw the game (had to keep getting up to go to the stadium bar) and he kept asking for my ID so he could double fist his $10 Coors lights. He probably spent $100 on Coors in the first few hours. Not sure why I kept letting him use my ID, maybe it was just shock.
He chugged 2 beers on our way out and kept refusing to let me walk on a certain side of the sidewalk because “A man walks on this side, it’s his duty to a lady.” He started insulting women as we were walking past to get to my car. I was ready to punch him in the mouth, but he was 6’7” and I just wanted to take him home and forget the night ever happened.
He drunkenly started insulting my driving while we were in post-game traffic and kept trying to open the door to get out and drive instead of me. He insults my career, tells me I couldn’t possibly keep up with the “manly” job I have, but don’t worry babe it’s not because you’re not great, it’s just that it’s too hard for you is all I’m saying.
I finally pull up to his house and I’m white-knuckling it to the point where my hands are nearly numb. I tell him to get out and he asks me to come in. I say absolutely not, and he lunged at me to kiss me. He like…sort of… licks? My face? And I literally shoved him out of my car onto the street and sped off.
The next day he texts me, “Hey had a great time! Would love to see you again!” I said, “Your behavior was ridiculous, please never contact me again.” And he responds, “Cool, well if you ever want to get a beer let me know!”
Hard pass. Hard. Pass.
36. Third-Wheeling Myself out of Here
I was talking to a guy online and we finally agreed to meet for a date.
I get there and there is a woman sitting with him. It turns out that it was his wife and they were looking for a “third.”
He never mentioned that during our chats and then called me a slur for saying that I didn’t want to get involved.
35. Dating a Wall
It probably wasn’t the worst, but it just didn’t make sense.
First date with this guy, he says we should meet at a nearby coffee shop. I arrive and introduce myself and hop into line to get coffee. He looks upset, so I ask him what’s up. He says he hates coffee.
Umm…Ok. We can get something else on the menu. But he also didn’t bring any cash, because his last few dates made him pay. And he’d rather just do something that didn’t require money. Then why did we meet at a shop.
Anyhow. I start brainstorming stuff we can do that require no cash. He’s shooting down all the options I gave (local zoo, art gallery, etc.) because they involve driving more than 4 blocks away. So there’s a lake nearby, let’s just do a lap around that.
We walk, and the guy is giving me NOTHING. Every question is met with a short, closed answer.
Where did you go to college and what did you study? –Wisconsin. Biochemistry. Oh! Tell me about that! Biochemistry sounds really cool, and I love the campus at UW. –It was ok.
Cool story bro. Anyways, so we make it back to where we started and I’m like, “Ok man, you seem really not into me, so how about we part ways” but in nicer terms. The guy FLIPS.
“You said you were free between 1pm and 3 pm! That means we still have an hour! You said you were free! So we are hanging out until 3!!!”
Alright dude, if you want completely one-sided conversation for an additional hour, sounds great.
34. Uninvited Guest
We were going to watch a play together at her high school, she brought another guy with her.
He bought a ticket at the door and had his hand on her lap the whole time. I was gonna talk to her about it, but she sent me home first. I guess that doesn’t really count as a date, at least not for me.
33. Do I Have Your Attention?
The date was from Plenty of Fish. We met at a Tim Horton’s, chatted a while, it was really cool. She brought me back to her place, and it really stunk. Girls usually apologize in advance because they have a messy place. At worst it’s just clothes on the ground, but this was actually awful.
She asked me to pick a movie to watch together and pointed at her DVDs above the kitchen cabinets. I have no idea why she stored them there, she’s shorter than I am, and I had to step on the counter to reach. I don’t remember what we watched, because she was on POF on her phone messaging someone(s) the whole time.
Oh yeah and she had more DVDs in her drawer, I opened it and saw movies, as well as dildos and handcuffs. (Before anyone says anything, she clarified she doesn’t do anything on the first date.)
I ordered us food, paid for it and left after eating.
32. Tell Me About Yourself
Started off with just terrible conversation. You know how there’s always the first date questions: favorite movie, hobbies, etc? But normally they open up to a dialogue. She just went through them like a list. I attempted to ask her more open-ended questions, but she kept answers short and then continued with her list.
That made it a bad date. What made it the worst date? Her breath was horrendously disgusting! I swear she must have had several dead teeth or brushed them with horse poop. As the date continued I felt more and more nauseated from it. When I left it just got worse? I had to pull over while driving and I threw up. Didn’t even get the window all the way down in time.
Some have told me it must have been something I ate. Well, we only had a couple of drinks and no food. I ate dinner at home beforehand. The next day I ate leftovers to test if that’s what made me sick. I was fine.
31. Talk to the Sis
Not shockingly bad, just a little weird. She showed up with her overprotective older sister. Most of the conversation was with her older sister. When I asked questions, in 80% of cases her sister was the one answering them.
The girl was cute, so after the awkward experience we agreed to have another date. Turns out she was so sheltered and shy, she was almost incapable of having conversation on her own.
Yeah, we grew to be good friends, but other than that, in a more romantic way, she was a very closed person.
30. No Way Out
Went on a date with a really aggressive guy. Had to call my Ukrainian (ex-navy) 6’4″ acquaintance to come save me. Dude threatened to call the cops on me because I left the date early (in his mind).
Screw you, Noah.
29. Something Building up Inside
I was so nervous I threw up on him and myself. No second date.
28. Wet Date
First time out with my now fiancé, we were at a local sushi joint. I was telling a story (actively using my hands) and knocked a glass over and we both watched it slowly roll off the table and onto the floor.
Then not even 5 minutes later, a little probably 2-year-old girl is running around her family’s table as kids do, stops right next to our table, and vomits everywhere.
27. Give Me a Call
Out at dinner, night is going well. Some guy pulls up a chair to our table. Introduces himself as her husband. I got up and said sorry did not know. Girl called me later that night, said I could pick her up as she was single now.
26. Love Is Where You Find It
My roommate in college was kind of seeing a girl for a couple weeks and at a tailgate she was blowing my phone up wanting to meet up. I had an idea that she was interested so I talked to my roommate and asked if it was cool if I took her out.
He gave me the OK and said she was cool, but they just didn’t work out. So that night we go out to dinner and she is super self-obsessed. Went on and on about herself the whole time and talked about all the things she hates about guys. It was a nightmare.
We met up with her sorority sisters at a bar after dinner and I ended up talking to her roommate the whole night and kind of joking about how bad the date went. Ended up dating the roommate for 2 years after we met that night. So, a horrible date turned into a great relationship, so best of both worlds in one night. But darn that girl was the worst.
25. The Understudy
I don’t know if this counts. It was just a weird situation.
Senior year of High School, I decided that I’m not going to Homecoming. I don’t have a girlfriend. I’m not interested in anyone. I have no interest in going just to go. My homecoming comes and goes. A good friend from another school asks me to homecoming. I tell her no. I’m not interested. She begs, says she’s a senior and no one has ever taken her to a dance. She goes to a Catholic School that is 75% female. She spent all last year living in a different state at a strange school and taking care of her grandmother, so this is her last chance. Some friends of hers are going. They will pick her up and bring her. We aren’t going to dinner. Just the dance. Neither of us are interested in each other romantically. She’s buying tickets. I reluctantly agree.
The next Friday, I put on my suit. Meet her and her friends at the dance . . . with this other guy. A guy she came with.
She’s brought two dates to the dance.
Now, I am not hurt by this, only a little annoyed that I went when she clearly has another date. I dance with her some. She dances with him some. I know one of her friends fairly well, the other three not at all, but I dance with them some to be polite as they don’t have dates. The other guy seems nice. I don’t think he was expecting me either.
The next day, I get a call from her and an apology. No explanation. I should have asked, but I was too busy assuring her my feelings weren’t hurt. I guess he was a little bit more upset and wasn’t talking to her.
Still have no idea what was going on. I don’t think I was an extra guy brought for her friends, though it crossed my mind. Maybe the other guy asked last minute, and she actually kind of liked him, but couldn’t bring herself to break our “date?”
24. The Pretentious Answer
It was just an awkward date with no chemistry, but when he dropped me off near my apartment he asked if I’d like to go on another date sometime.
I tried to let him down easy, but he freaked out and wouldn’t accept it until I explained why I wasn’t interested. Nearly an hour later, I finally told him that even if I had been interested, he ruined it by being creepy. Then he let me go.
It’s been 10+ years, but I’ll never forget the last thing we said to each other. He asked, “Will I ever see you again?” And while scurrying away, I responded “Only time will tell.”
23. At Least She Was Honest
Met a girl on Tinder, arranged to go to lunch, arrived at restaurant. So far, things are going well. She is late… I messaged her “Hey, you still coming to lunch?”
No response. I decide to wait 15 more minutes (30 minutes total). Just sitting at a table in my university’s main dining spot. I leave. That sucked but it happens.
She messages me a day later, “Oh, sorry I didn’t feel like going.” I guess it’s technically not a date but darn that sucked.
22. Jailbirds Make Poor Lovebirds
Met a guy online who missed our actual first date because he had to meet with his parole officer.
I gave him a second chance because everyone deserves a second chance and maybe he’d learned his lesson. First time meeting him, and I casually ask him about what he’d been in jail for—and he says a drug charge. Okay…not terrible.
Then he proceeds to go on and on about how he doesn’t care that he went to jail, doesn’t care if he goes back, etc. Yeah………….bye…….
21. First Is the Worst
My worst first date was also my first date ever. I was about 14 or 15. The girl I liked asked me if I wanted to go on a date, I was over the moon.
She told me to meet her at the park. When I got there, she was there with her friends and they all laughed at me for thinking she would ever want to date a loser like me.
20. Doing Due Diligence
I’ve posted about this before. I met somebody through Plenty of Fish and went out with her for coffee. Once we sat down, the first thing she asked me was how much money I made. I didn’t discuss figures, but I said that I was doing alright.
She then regaled me with stories about her overdue bills, and how she just didn’t pay them because she didn’t have the money, and how her last credit card only had a $5,000 limit, and how quickly that gets used up. She just didn’t seem to have a grasp on how money, interest, and credit ratings work. And by her own admission, she had debts of tens of thousands of dollars.
She made it quite clear that she wanted somebody who would take care of her financially, and if things worked out, co-signing on a credit card for her might be in the future.
The whole date felt like a sales pitch and made me feel like a wallet on legs. I declined going back to her place afterwards, and instead went home and had a shower to wash the stench of loser off of me.
And that was the last date I had before the one where I met the woman who became my wife.
I was making out with a girl on a cold evening on her unlit front porch. I just thought my runny nose was from the cold. But when we turned on the lights I realized I had a bloody nose. Her face was COVERED IN BLOOD.
There was no second date.
18. Taking Things Really, Really Slow
Went on a date with a girl I met on an online dating website, all she kept talking about was whether I thought anyone could tell we were on a date.
She even made weird comments to the staff about us being on a girl’s night out. As we were walking from the restaurant to a bar I touched her arm lightly, and she jumped away from me as if she’d been electrocuted.
17. The Naked Man
I’ve had a lot of terrible dates, including someone picking me up with their mother and having her attend the date, but the worst by far was when I was 19. I went to this guy’s house who had alluded to the fact that he lived alone. We were gonna go swimming then go out for lunch. I show up and it becomes apparent it’s his parents’ house and they were currently not home…Ok kinda weird but no big deal.
We’re having a beer getting to know one another when out of the blue, he INSISTS that he show me something in his room. I say something along the lines of nice try, but I’m not gonna go into your room so you can try to put the moves on me. He continues to insist that it’s actually really cool and I HAVE to see it. I’m visibly annoyed but follow him anyway.
We get in there and within 3 seconds flat this guy gets completely naked while I’m just standing there dumbfounded. To this day, I have never seen someone undress so quickly. He’s standing there like this is his grand reveal, expecting me to just throw myself on him or something.
I tell him I remembered I forgot to do something and need to go home and basically run back down the stairs while he’s chasing me, trying to get dressed and follow me outside. I book it to my car and leave very fast.
Dude then proceeds to call me every few weeks for 1.5 years, leaving me creepy voicemails how he hopes I’m not hanging out with other guys and how he misses me. Worst date ever!!
16. No Comparison
The first date was on Valentine’s. We had been friends before, so I did the right thing and got a card.
Two drinks in and she explained in intimate details, for around 30 minutes, how big her ex was and how he would pleasure her for “hours on end.” Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly at top form after that treat.
Still, ended up getting a nugget share box so it wasn’t all bad.
15. Head and Shoulders
More funny than bad. She opened the door, saw she was taller than me with her heels, says “OMG I have to change my shoes,” and closes the door in my face.
That is OK. I left my wallet in my car and she paid that night.
14. My Heart & Liver Are Full
My worst date ever was also completely my fault. Witness, me.
Planned on going to a bar with a pretty wild reputation (her idea), friends warn me to not drink much. 1 drink max. Their stuff is strong. We get there, and I have the one drink and, much like my friends had said, I felt pretty good.
So when she wanted to split another, I said I was down. I do not eat anything at said bar except for an edible. Still not feeling like I’m out of sorts so when she says, “Let’s go back to mine,” I’m down.
As we walk there, I am getting more and more intoxicated, but it isn’t until I’m sitting on her couch that I start thinking, “This is bad.” I go to the bathroom once and puke. And then more or less take a nap on the cool, cool ground. She’s knocking on the door asking if I’m okay and I’m acting like all is well.
Finally, I come out and this woman has made me food so that I can sober up. I am too nauseous to attempt eating and the smell kinda makes me feel like I have to puke. So I go back to her bathroom and take another nap. Next time she knocked on the door was to say it was late and she should get some sleep. I walked home.
Friends mocked me nonstop for doing the exact opposite of their advice. Immediately after I felt like ritual suicide would be the only way to avoid my shame. I got a second date though, so I guess I’m charming enough.
Went to Montreal for Ile soniq (an EDM festival similar to Tomorrowland).
Met a girl on Tinder while there and decided to meet up at the festival. We meet up at the metro station on the way there. She seems normal enough, she looks like her pictures which is good, everything seems A-OK.
We get to the festival grounds. While we are getting our bracelets, she asks me, “So what kind of music is this?” She had never listened to EDM before. I figure whatever, she’s adventurous, seems outgoing enough, she’ll probably enjoy herself either way. There were 3 stages, all with different kinds of EDM. The first stage we go to is very bassy and not her thing, so we go to a different one and she actually likes it! I’m relieved.
2 hours later, she wants to leave. I tell her we paid $150 a ticket and I’d like to stay. Cue the rest of the day her complaining about everything from the food to the music to the other people there. She made a huge scene and yelled at a guy because he accidentally bumped into her in the middle of the crowd.
Lots of people stopped and watched. I was mortified. Around 9 pm I finally relent and decide to leave with her back to my hotel room. Queue the worst intimacy of my life. I missed Excision and Porter Robinson for that. Still regret not just ditching her.
12. Love and Politics
We somehow got on the topic of politics. She pulled out a mini copy of the constitution that she kept in her purse and tried to convince me on her viewpoints.
Still got it on.
She was also married.
11. A Party of Five Is No Fun
She showed up to our first date at an ice cream parlor with about 3 of her other friends unexpectedly.
It was extremely awkward dealing with all these people I didn’t even know. It didn’t help that they seemed to take every opportunity to make me feel like I was the odd one out of place—like I was the inconvenience for them.
I barely even remember talking to the girl I was actually on a date with.
10. Geek Squad
Had a bad Tinder date once. On chat, she was nice and all. She had a broken laptop. I would come over and fix it, watch a movie and stuff.
When I arrived, she was so stoned that she let me in and crashed on the couch. Fixed laptop put on a movie and left…
9. Red Alert!
I met up with a guy I met online. I picked him up from his place. Anyways, we’re both Asian (this is significant).
Seemed like a normal guy at first. Talked about ourselves, our hobbies and things. At one point, I mentioned I was pretty “traditional” in reference to how my family still marked the calendars for certain days to burn incense and pray in front of the family shrine.
I guess he took that to mean something else. He said that was great, and then launched into this…crazy racist rant about Asian females who date white guys. This guy was like a full on a racist Asian. Like the Asian equivalent of a Nazi.
Was obsessed with the idea of purity and not dating outside of our “race.” Was incredibly relieved I’d never dated a non-Asian before (it wasn’t even a conscious decision, it just never worked out that way). Started talking about how Asian females who slept with white men were race traitors.
Sometimes he would contradict himself by saying things like at least girls who date white guys will give birth to half-Asian, half-white kids and they weren’t really Asian, and how it would remove those women’s inferior genes from the Asian gene pool.
And he just went on and on and on and would not shut up. I was just sitting there awkwardly nodding along because I had absolutely no idea how to react to him because What. The Heck. Every once in a while, he’d interrupt himself and reassure himself that I wasn’t like those other “females.”
In the end, I was too nice and too much of a pushover to just walk out and leave his sorry racist butt there. I sat quietly through his rant. Made polite conversation afterwards like normal and drove him back to his place. I ignored all his texts afterwards.
In hindsight, I regret I didn’t just publicly call him out and abandon his stupid butt there.
8. Not in the Family
This was the first official date I had with this girl. I was in the service and met her through a friend, but she lived 5 hours away. I took a drive one weekend with the intent of staying at her mom’s boyfriend’s place, because she lived with her mom and she wasn’t comfortable with me sleeping there. Totally fine.
I get there and chat up her mom and her mom’s boyfriend a bit before we head out on the date. The date goes great, we go to her place and make out a bit, but her mom calls from the boyfriend’s place and wants me to head over there. Ok that’s fine, I say goodnight and head over.
It’s like 5 minutes away and it’s an apartment building that I need to get let into. I call and call and no one answers. I’ve slept in worse places, so I just fall asleep in my car.
I get woken up to the mom’s boyfriend knocking on my window. He then just hops into my car and I quickly find out that he’s high as a kite. He starts telling me about how he views my new relationship like a beautiful ball of light and that he thinks that it’s going to go really well. I awkwardly say thanks and try to say that I’ll just sleep here, and he insists that I come up. He proceeds to invite me to have a threesome with the mom and him and tells me that I’ve “got to be packing more heat” than he is. Uh, thanks guy but no. He still insists that I sleep upstairs on the air mattress and I say fine.
I go upstairs, get the air mattress set up, and lay down. He says good night and does one of those fake trips and falls on top of me. I push him off of me and help him up and into his bedroom. He tells me to make sure that I say goodbye in the morning before I leave.
I do not sleep at all. I text the girl and ask her to text me as soon as she’s up so that I can leave. I shower and get ready super early and just stare at my phone waiting for a text. When I finally get it I go to say goodbye and walk in on mom and boyfriend in the act. I just shake my head and walk out. At least the girl was awesome.
7. Doggone It
Met on Tinder. I mentioned I wanted to see a band playing at the local fair, he suggested we go together.
We met up there & he wanted to win me one of those teddy bears from a game, which was kind of sweet. He even told me I didn’t have to keep it and we could donate it (they have donation bins for stuffed animals all over the grounds). All was going fairly well actually. We watched the band & then he suggested buying me a couple drinks after.
As we are drinking & talking he just casually brought up that he deals drugs on the side, and that if it came between the drugs and his dog, he would choose the drugs, and if his dog’s life ended over that then, “oh well.” I just stared in shock, as he seemed fairly normal up until this point. I changed the subject, we finished our drinks, and I went home.
I did give him a second date, this time without booze involved just to be sure it wasn’t the booze talking. It was not the booze talking. There was no third date.
6. What’s Your Type
Tinder date was OBSESSED with something called personology. Kind of like astrology. Biggest dweeb I’ve ever met in my entire life, and I couldn’t get rid of her to save my life.
5. Gambling on Attraction
I hadn’t had a terrible one til this summer. I met this dude from Tinder at a coffee shop and he immediately started talking about his professional gambling habits and putting his friends down (and mentioning they were fat).
He mentioned he’d need to move his car and I said I’d walk with him, figuring he’d drive it around the block from a nearby location. Nope, he’d parked his enormous white van—in which he told me he was currently sleeping—two miles away.
I walked him there and then abruptly left to go hang out with a friend in the area. To his credit, he texted later apologizing for creeping me out. I didn’t respond.
4. Try Google Translate Next Time
It’s not NSFW but it was darn terrible for a teenage boy to experience. Was hitting it off with this smoking hot French-speaking girl (the type they employ in nightclubs to dance in the cage or on the luminescent block), when out of the blue we stumbled into a friend of mine. The dude became somewhat a third wheel but actually managed to completely steal the girl away and they started kissing in front of me after roughly 45 minutes.
Here’s the bad part: dude didn’t speak a word of French, and they needed/requested me to tag along to translate for each other… Needless to say it didn’t take long for me to find a way out and spend the rest of my summer angry, humiliated, and depressed. Never saw or talked to either of them since.
3. The Weight of the Dating World
Realizing that I was the guy who’d gained too much weight since his profile pic was taken. At least her look of disappointment motivated me to lose 40 lbs.
2. Flirting With Rage
Finally get to share this story!
A couple of years ago I dabbled a bit with Tinder. Met one guy who was super cute, traveled a lot, and seemed interesting. I suppose “interesting” was one word I could use to describe him.
We start the date by getting lunch and a few beers at my favorite spot in town. We were chatting away and the topic of daydreaming came up. I asked him what he daydreamed about.
His eyes then get a bit dark and his voice gets low as he says, “When I daydream, I imagine the light leaving my enemy’s eyes.”
By this point I was a few beers in and didn’t know what to say. I respond with, “Oh…so uh, how do you do it?”
He looks away, ponders for a second and says, “Harpoon.”
The rest of the date was spent with him talking to me about his extensive anger issues and how he still lives and sleeps with his ex. Heck, he had just slept with her before he came to meet up with me.
That was when I decided to stop using Tinder.
1. No Clowning Around
I met this girl on Tinder. She seemed cute enough and the conversation wasn’t as stale as the other matches I had, so we decided to meet up over coffee.
Queue the day of, I go to pick her up at her house. I knock on the door and she opens.
She was, to say the least… not at all like her pictures. She was much bigger, and her face didn’t even look the same. I’m already disappointed but I’m already here and it would be rude to back out now. So she gets in my car and we start driving to Starbucks. On the way there, we talked in the car for a bit and it becomes apparent to me that she is an “XD RAWR so rand0m” type girl. But again…I’m already here…
We get to Starbucks and she gets me to order for her because “I just can’t handle that right now.” ok …
We sit down and I’m already counting the minutes until it wouldn’t be rude to call it a night. We start talking, well, I start talking. The most I can get out of her is yes, no, or a slight laugh if I tell a joke. From talking to her like this, I find out she’s actually only 18, her profile said 21 (my age). Not a huge deal but I wouldn’t have gone out with her had I known that before.
Eventually I ask her what she does. IMMEDIATELY, in one breath she screams out “I’MSOGLADYOUASKED I’M A PROFESSIONAL CLOWN WANNAHEARMYCLOWNLAUGH HHOOOOOOONNKKKK HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA.”
I am mortified, the entire coffee shop turns to look, and she is oblivious to it. Suddenly she is no longer this weird shy girl. She starts telling me all these stories about her clown adventures. This goes on for probably 8 minutes. Everyone around is snickering and obviously listening in on it (not that they had much choice). She then tells me LOUDLY how her boss and one of her coworkers propositioned her for a three-way. She goes on to say, “Yeah I thought about it, but he’s 40 and I was 17 at the time so I decided not to. Plus, we were doing a child’s birthday party at the time, so it might not have been appropriate.”
As soon as she says that, a girl in the corner of the coffee shop lets out a stifled laugh. My date notices and goes beet red. I suggest maybe we should call it a night because I had an exam the next day. She saw through my lie but went with it. A few minutes later I realize tomorrow was Sunday. I drive her home; awkward silence follows for the 15-minute drive.
We arrive, I stay silent and don’t get out of the car. She sits there for a bit not saying anything. I go, “soooo…”
What follows next is 100% true. She said this. I can’t ever forget it. She blurts out “Wanna come inside and do it while my cats watch?”
Yeah…she said that. I stay silent for about 10 seconds because I don’t know what to say. I eventually say “I uhh, don’t have any condoms sorry.” She gets the message and leaves. I hightail it out of there and never spoke to her again.