“Think before you act” is a simple adage that is seemingly ignored by a lot of people. The people featured in this list definitely did not think things through before they acted stupidly and were suddenly hit with the dreaded “You Just Messed With the Wrong Person” realization. If you’re a kind soul who has been wronged many a time, this list will no doubt give you comfort. However, if you’re a hothead, consider this list a kind, but firm warning to cut the crap!
1. That’s A Scary Sight
My stepdad used to run the Iron Man Triathlon equivalent in our area. He also had the absolute conviction found in his generation that justice was always on his side. I should also note that he always slept naked (which I learned as a result of this incident). One late summer night, two idiot kids tried to steal his truck out of his driveway.
He sees this happening from his bedroom window and goes tearing out of the house, totally nude, and chases these two terrified kids for blocks screaming, “I’M GONNA GET YOU!” He tackles one and the cops were on the scene in moments. Obviously, some concerned neighbor noticed this happening at 2 AM in our sleepy little town. God only knows what that 911 call sounded like.
Probably a good thing the cop already knew the kid as a car thief. He hung out with the sobbing teen and suggested my stepdad sit in the cruiser til his wife could bring him some pants.
2. Two Mistakes Result in a Beating
When my wife was T-boned by a drunk driver, it happened to be right in front of a bar that a friend owned. The bouncer at the door witnessed the accident and saw the drunk dude jump from his car and run. Bouncer proceeds to chase him down, beat him, and drag him back to wait for the cops. When I thanked him, his response was, “Are you kidding? That was a once in a lifetime chance to administer a well-deserved beating!”
3. Mugging Gone Wrong
My friend’s stepdad is not a good guy. He is full of rage and will lash out without a second thought. This made him the wrong target for two guys who tried to mug him near an ATM. They came up to him and demanded that he withdraw money. He grabbed one of them and smashed the guy’s head and face straight into a brick wall. It was insane.
The other guy ran away but he chased him down and beat the crap out of him.
4. When You’re Battling Illness, The Smallest of Things Can Be a Trigger
My dad had ankylosing spondylitis, a disease that gave him this hunched-over look. Also having white hair, he seemed older and weaker than he was. In reality, he had a bad temper, came from a part of the world where people are very touchy about their honor, and his illness made him insecure and even more likely to lash out.
I personally witnessed people mess with him about small stuff and then back down when they understood that he’d been waiting for something like this all day and was ready to take it to the max, even if they were younger or bigger. It was my first lesson about not messing with strangers.
5. Jeez, Don’t Mess With the Geese
I once saw a kid at the park kick a goose. It turned out it was a pretty ill-tempered animal. The goose chased the kid, knocked it down, and bit him. The little boy ran to his mom crying. I swear that goose was strutting as it walked away.
6. Don’t Cross Bob
I didn’t witness it, but I got firsthand accounts and saw the police report. Bob was a delivery driver at Domino’s and was a little off his rocker. Kind of older (upper sixties, maybe all the way to seventy) and the kind of guy who would cuss out a 10-year-old “to make a point,” but also gave away our canceled orders at the end of the night to homeless people.
Anyways, Bob’s delivering a pizza and gets mugged. The robber walked up and hit Bob in the head with a brick, dropped the brick, took his cash and took the pizza. Bob got up, took the brick and proceeded to mug him back and then called the police. The gangbanger in his twenties was too terrified of the elderly pizza man to run away and waited to be arrested.
7. If Someone Say to “Leave Them Alone,” You Do As They Say
In middle school, during lunch period, a kid in my grade was getting picked on by this larger kid and his friends. He said, “Stop it, leave me alone,” a few times. No one watching did anything, because we were just dumb kids who didn’t want to get picked on either. Large kid was poking him and calling him names while his buddies laughed.
Suddenly he slapped him in the head. The kid who was being picked on just went bananas. Face red, tears streaming down his face, he jumped on the large kid, and beat him up, all while crying “Just leave me alone!” Teachers broke it up and began scolding him, but everyone who had been watching vouched for him, said he was only defending himself.
I think they both got suspended anyway. No one messed with that kid anymore though.
8. Always Be Grateful to Your Parents
I still remember the look on my dad’s face when I didn’t want to do the dishes and told my mom that she should do them because she did nothing around the house. I don’t know how I survived to be honest. The stupidity of what I said is compounded by the fact that those were the dishes of a meal that my mom had cooked by herself from scratch, like she did almost every night.
9. Stop Selling Our Stuff, Mom!
My mother had a habit of doing a garage sale at least once a year, and invariably sold many things that she thought were cluttering up our rooms or the garage. We felt wronged so many times because that special shirt or stuffed animal or other prized item had disappeared, never to return. The sense of loss was almost unbearable for me as a child.
Our complaints fell on deaf ears, as mother would just defer with, “Oh I had no idea you wanted that,” and go on about her business. One winter, as we were assembling our gear for the first ski trip of the year, my mother couldn’t find her ski boots anywhere. I said, “Maybe you sold them at the garage sale, har har,” to which she responded, “Oh, no honey, those were your boots I sold.”
Cue the pregnant pause as we all held our breath and stared at her, knowing that her boots were the same color and a very similar design to mine. And then the delicious satisfaction of watching her realize she’d done to herself what we’d been going through all those years.
10. Dad Was Not Having It
My family and I grew up in Baltimore. The specific neighborhood we lived in wasn’t the best but certainly not the worst either. One day when my little brother was around seven, he was outside in the street next to our yard playing on his skateboard. A group of kids not much older than us was walking by looking to start trouble.
It all happened so fast, they ran up and starting beating on him, then stole his skateboard. My dad was home that day. My sister and I ran inside hysterical and without even thinking twice he jumped up from his La-Z-Boy in only his t-shirt and shorts, maybe only touched one of our seven stairs out front and absolutely BOLTED after those punk-ass kids.
Our then-50-year-old dad chased them for like three blocks in his bare ass feet and they’re screaming fearing for their lives. They finally dropped the skateboard at some point and my dad stopped chasing them and grabbed it, but holy crap I’d never seen him so angry and move so fast (signature angry dad warning sign: his eyes get huge and piercing, terrifyingly blue).
When he came back his feet were bloody and roughed up from straight sprinting on the concrete through gravel roads and alleyways. We never saw those kids near our house, let alone around our neighborhood, again.
11. Right in the Family Jewels
My youngest daughter was getting picked on in elementary school by a boy who was two grades above her. He constantly taunted, pushed, and annoyed her. One day he pushed her from behind and she dropped her books. She immediately turned around and full-on kicked him square in the nuts with all the force her soccer-playing leg could muster.
I was told he curled up and bawled for several minutes, while my daughter was sent to the principal’s office. She was smiling when her mother picked her up from school.
12. Let the Guy Enjoy His Drink in Peace
Some jerk in his 20s was drunk, telling everyone in the pub how he could kick everyone’s butt, and generally mouthing off about what a hard man he was. He started hassling this handyman in his 50s, who was clearly trying to have a quiet drink by himself. He did not react at all, he just continued drinking and ignoring the moron.
But the moron didn’t take this well and poured his drink over the handyman’s head. The handyman proceeded to take his painter’s trowel out of his work bag, gash the hard man right across his face, finish his drink, and calmly walk out while the other guy sprayed blood everywhere and screamed. Sunderland in the 90s was an interesting city to drink in.
13. When The Bullied Strike Back
One jerk named “Rich” was picking on a kid all day. He followed the kid out to the buses jawing at him he whole time, while the kid just walked with his head down and his hands in his pockets. Rich said something that stopped the kid in his tracks and he pulled his hand out of his pocket with a pencil gripped like a knife and whirled around to plunge the pencil into the side of Rich’s jaw.
It went through his cheek and knocked a tooth out.
14. Don’t Be a Jerk to Your Girlfriend, Especially in Earshot of This Guy’s Dad
When I was five, my dad took me to Walmart to get something for dinner and I saw a young couple fighting. This guy started really getting pissed off at this girl; he started getting in her face and threatening her. He even yanked her hair a bit and was pushing her. I was really scared. My dad shouted something to the guy, and the guy told my dad to f-off.
Next thing I know, I saw my dad run right up to the guy and grab him by his hair shouting, “OH YOU WANNA HIT YOUR LADY? YOU LIKE HITTING YOUR LADY? YOU WANNA HIT SOMEONE YOUR SIZE?” He beat the hell out of that guy. I don’t remember much else but cops were called and they didn’t do anything about what my dad did, just took the other guy away.
15. Pissing off the Pugilist
I had a regular at the bar, who was an amateur boxer. Some skinny drunk idiot decided to pick a fight with him and was really egging him on. The regular kept saying, “Come on man, just let me drink my beer in peace,” etc. After a good ten minutes, he stood up, took off his jacket, apologized to the bar staff, and well…it wasn’t pretty.
16. Revenge of the Band Girl
When I was in high school, there were a handful of girls who were basically juvenile delinquents. They frequently got in fights, acted tough, had boyfriends who were in their 20s with mullets that were in and out of jail, and they pretty much scared the heck out of the rest of the girls in our school. One day after the lunch bell rang, a girl who I was in band with, sort of nerdy, was walking up the ramp into the lunchroom, as the ringleader of the “tough girls” was walking down.
I’m not exactly sure what caused the confrontation, but it was along the lines of, “What are you looking at?” She was probably just looking to mess with a band-geek, easy mark. The next thing I knew, the girl knocked the glasses off the nerdy girl’s face, who then grabbed the “tough” girl, slammed her to the ground and proceeded to give her a beating like I have never seen since.
Someone clearly had taught her how to stand up for herself. She completely neutralized her into a crumpled heap on the ground. The “tough girl” was out looking for a fight, someone to intimidate, and truly messed with the WRONG person. I still laugh thinking about that. It was a huge victory for the dorks like me back then.
The girl who got beat down was the laughingstock of the entire school and, mercifully, the beat down more or less ended that crew’s reign of terror.
17. Standing Up to Condescension
Once while my dad was on a trip, in the middle of winter, our furnace broke. My mom went down to the basement and checked out the situation. She figured out what was broken and called a repair guy to tell him what she had found. The repair guy was on speakerphone, I held the phone while my mom held a flashlight and inspected the furnace.
I’ll never forget the ruthless look on her face when she finished her initial explanation and the guy replied with, “Why don’t you put your husband on the phone sweetie?” She snatched the phone from my hand and shooed me out before she cussed him out so I never got to hear her exact words, but I imagine he got an earful.
18. I Would Not Be as Patient as This Woman, That’s For Sure
My wife is a structural engineer and has had to put up with her fair share of condescending males, although later in her career word got out that she was very good at her job and it became much less so. Sometimes she would come home from work and tell me what happened and I would get so angry, she would just smile and say it will work out.
I couldn’t understand why she didn’t get angry and talk back at these guys. Later I realized it was because she was confident in her abilities and she didn’t feel the need to. In fact, I think she got more satisfaction from changing their opinion with action and not words. I’m sure that’s why she became so respected in town.
There was one time I got to witness this first hand. It was a Saturday and we had planned to take a day trip to shop and explore in a nearby town. On the way, she planned to stop by a jobsite where ironworkers were starting to erect the steel for a building she had designed and managed the fabrication of. We get there and this huge ironworker struts over screaming expletives.
“This is the worst steel we’ve ever worked with. Nothing fits. All the dimensions are off.” He’s getting in her face and I’m starting to get out of the truck. Not sure what I’m going to exactly do with this hulk, pretty sure I’m about to get my ass kicked. She just shoots me a look and a hand motion that says, “Stay in the truck, I got this.” She starts asking questions and he cuts her off “Why did they send the *&#* secretary over here?”
All the other ironworkers start laughing. She ignores him and says, “Can you answer my questions?” She asks her questions then asks to go up on the lift to take some plumb measurements and dimensions. She comes back to the truck, spreads the drawings on the hood, does some calculations, makes some notes. All while the crew is just staring her down.
She finishes, hands the marked-up drawings back to the foreman and says, “Ok here’s the deal, see that beam up there? It’s pre-cambered and you have it upside down, that’s spreading the columns out of plumb. See this beam? You have it in the wrong spot, it goes over there, it’s too short in that spot and is pulling the columns in.”
She wasn’t done: “See this schedule? These are the piece marks so you know what goes where. Just a suggestion, but if you loosen up these beam connections, set that corner column plumb and rig everything from that point, it will probably go together better, right now you’re fighting yourself.” The foreman just stared at her slack-jawed and walked away grumbling something about it better work or they would walk off the job.
She reminded him that he was a sub to her and that might not be in his best interest. After our day trip, we stopped back at the jobsite and 75% of the building steel was up. Foreman comes over smiling, wiping his hands with a rag, and reaches out to shake her hand. “I got to hand it to you little lady, we did everything you said and that building went up smooth as butter.”
She just smiled and said, “I’m glad it worked out.”
19. Time to Hang it Up
A 15-year-old creep somehow got my 16-year-old younger sister’s phone number and kept calling her and would say the most reprehensible and vulgar things. Too bad for him, our dad is a federal investigator. Last I heard, that kid is no longer allowed to have or operate a telephone for a certain amount of time without parental supervision.
20. You Never Know Who’s Going To Pop Out of a Camper
I went to college in Hawaii. My roommate was a very big Samoan guy who played football at the university. On the weekends, he and his friends (all of whom were really nice, mellow guys) would pile into this old beat-up pickup truck with a camper on the back, and they would drive down a couple streets in Waikiki. I was following them in traffic moving slower than people walk because that’s just what kids did back then.
There were a couple of college-aged tourists on mopeds in between my car and their truck. The moped guys were obviously drunk, and pretending to zoom up to their truck, then brake hard, over and over again. After a while, their moped actually hit the truck (not hard enough that it did any damage, I don’t think). Next thing you know, the camper’s little door opens up, and four big Samoans climb out.
Maybe this is my exaggerated memory, but I remember one guy was casually lifted up and flung to the ground like a doll, while the other guy got a punch to the gut. The moped guys crawled to the sidewalk, and some strangers moved the mopeds to the side of the road. Then, the camper just turned up the next street and we all met back at the dorm. It was crazy.
21. Never Underestimate a Kid and Her Card Game
My boss invited a handful of us over to her house for some beers and burgers one Friday night. Her five-year-old daughter sat down next to some of us and wanted to play Uno. A co-worker of mine sitting next to her made some comments about how cute it was that she wanted to play games and was generally extra patronizing.
The five-year-old dealt the cards and proceeded to destroy us. I assume she had some help stacking the deck, but her entire hand was full of the draw-4s. By the time she said “Uno,” my co-worker who had said she was cute was ready to drop kick her, but couldn’t because she was holding 20+ cards!
22. Instant Karma is So Satisfying
My driver’s ed teacher was a retired bus operator. He told us that once, a guy illegally passed his bus at a stop, cut him off, turned in his seat to flip him off…and promptly rear-ended a cop car.
23. And This is Why Racial Profiling is Such a Stupid Thing To Do
My co-worker is out driving around with his wife. He takes her to the salon for a haircut and waits for her in the car. The salon is in a part of town that isn’t that great. She comes out, they’re back in the car, and they pull away. A couple of cops swing in behind them and follow for a block or two. Eventually, the cops pull them over and start asking them questions.
Now, my co-worker is white. His wife is black. As the cops question them, it becomes clear that they suspect he’s picked up a prostitute. He tries to explain that they are, in fact, husband and wife. The cops are getting increasingly smug and derisive with their questions. “Oooooh, this is your wife, huh? Interesting. You two seem like a…surprising match!”
It was that sort of thing. They became increasingly insulting toward his wife and increasingly racist. Throughout this, his wife keeps quiet. Finally, she’s had enough. My co-worker says her exact words were, “You know what? Screw this crap.” She pulls out her ID. Her FEDERAL ID! Shows it to the cops, and then coldly says, “FBI Special Agent Smith. Do we have some sort of a freaking problem here, gentlemen?”
Co-worker said the cops went white as a sheet and wide-eyed. Apparently, they turned on their heels and practically ran back to the cruiser without saying a word and just took off.
24. A Kiss, Followed By a Fist
When I was in middle school, a pair of guys were going around forcibly kissing girls as part of a bet. One of them did this to me, and, without even thinking, I punched him in the face. He was on the floor, hand over his face, blood pouring from between his fingers, and looking utterly shell-shocked. I looked around and there were no witnesses, so I leaned in and snapped, “You’re not going to tell anyone about this, are you?! Or I’ll break something else!” He shook his head rapidly, and I ran off to tell a teacher that I saw a student fall face first.
About a week later, I saw him again at school, and he had some kind of cast/guard across his nose. The color drained from his face when we made eye contact.
25. Bigot Gets Beat Up
I watched a redneck get his butt kicked by a gay man because he was taunting him and calling him names. Never witnessed a more well-deserved and thorough butt-whooping. It happened in front of the redneck’s girlfriend, which only added to my satisfaction.
26. Muay Thai > Bat-Wielding Mugger
During senior year of high school, a guy with a bat tried to mug me and my best friend in an Aurelio’s Pizza parking lot. My friend had just gotten his red band in Muay Thai. My friend gave the mugger several chances to walk away and said several times we were not giving him anything. The mugger ended up with a broken cheek, an eye socket fracture, broken wrist, and I can’t remember what else.
It all happened so fast that I am not even sure what I saw.
27. On This Edition of World’s Dumbest Criminals…
I stopped in Reno overnight while moving across the country. I had everything I owned in a little beater I bought for the trip. All night I’m keeping an eye on the parking lot. There is a cop car in the lot. Sure enough, late that night, I see a shady guy slowly walking along the line of parked cars scoping them out. To my surprise, he decides the COP car is the one he wants to break into.
So he takes off his shirt, wraps it around his arm, and starts hitting the window with his forearm. I call the front desk and let them know what’s going on. Lady says she’s calling the cops. I tell her it’s a cop car and ask if there is a cop staying in the hotel. She says she’ll check. About 30 seconds later, a very angry man in his boxers thunders out of his room and tackles the dude.
28. That’s One Way to Get Someone To Rage-Quit
A guy in an online game called me a whole bunch of mean names and even told me to kill myself, just for playing an unconventional character. I work for the company that makes the game, so I followed up on the incident to ensure his account was properly taken care of.
29. Don’t Target the Freshman
When I got to high school, I was recruited to the freshman football team. At the time I was the biggest freshman around, but nowhere near as big as the seniors. During daily-doubles, during the hottest time of the year, I get told to go practice with the varsity team. There was this guy named Miller, who’s the star linebacker for the school.
There were banners all over the school that say “It’s Miller Time!” It turns out this was something he barked before he knocked you out. As I’m supposed to play offensive lineman against this guy who’s like 220 and 6’4″, so I’m totally freaked out. He lines up, yells out, “It’s Miller Time, frosh” and then launches at me full force.
Thing is, he didn’t know I had been training in Aikido for 10 years and was the youngest black belt in the state. As useless as Aikido is for anyone but Steven Seagal, the next thing Miller knew, he was face down in the dirt and I casually walked over him. Coach laughed his butt off and then made Miller run laps til he passed out. I spent the rest of the year hiding from him.
30. The Unwittingly Tough Teacher
My mom was a teacher in Pittsburgh in the 1960s, and tells a bunch of stories about how she was a clueless country girl. It was a very tough, inner-city school, and she got a lot of crap from the kids, who chewed up and spat out the do-gooder white chicks every year. Then, one day, she leaves the apartment as usual, stops at the diner for coffee, says hi to the newspaper stand dude, gives the homeless guy on the corner a cigarette and a light, walks into school, and the kids are sitting and quiet and oh so very compliant.
This is good, but strange. She doesn’t find out for a couple of weeks, and only because another teacher clued her in. One of the kids saw her walking either home or to school, and word spread. That “homeless dude” on the corner is apparently a mob boss (or someone quite high in the Organization), and the kids think that she’s actually friends with him and that he would, you know, know if she was having a bad day.
A couple months later, she cemented her reputation for getting in this (big) kid’s face, confiscating his toy, and doing the whole march-him-out-the-door-by-his-ear bit. Again, my mom is clueless, and this kid was the 60s equivalent of a gangbanger, and the “toy” was actually a real gun. However, the kids think she knew and didn’t care because she has balls of steel in addition to her supposed mob connections.
I’m told she didn’t have many bad days for the rest of the school year.
31. Don’t Cut Off People Anywhere, But Especially Not in a Hospital Parking Lot
I live in front of a hospital parking lot. Some guy in an expensive car cut in line. A lady in a van was super pissed off and kept honking. He got out to calm her down. She got out, ripped off her wig and started screaming and pointing at the cancer center entrance. He looked like he wet himself and got back in his car.
32. Busker Turns Brawler
Two drunk guys were bugging this local busker. They were trying to get him to fight them and saying all sorts of racist stuff (the busker was black). The busker just lost it, he picked up his guitar and hit one of the drunk guys across the face with it. I called the police when I saw it, and later got called in to give evidence against the drunk guys, who got arrested, and told the cops that it was the drunk guys that started it.
33. Revenge is a Dish Best Served On Ice
I was covering a hockey game as a sports reporter when I saw the single best retaliation I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life. In my state, if you’re a girl and you want to play hockey with the boys, you can. Typically, the serious girl hockey players will play in these leagues because the girls-only hockey leagues are not great.
There was this girl named Alex whom I covered since she was a freshman, and she was really good. She played since she was a kid, was on some really good travel teams, competed in national camps, got a college scholarship for the sport, and went on to play four years in college, etc. Anyway, during her junior year, I’m covering an away game at this crummy arena and her school is playing one of its rivals so I know it’s going to be a chippy game.
To put it bluntly, it did not disappoint. This big tough boy notices she’s a girl (or played against her before) and spends the first two periods basically trying to intimidate her by checking her hard into the boards whenever she has the puck and generally doing all the things you know someone is doing to antagonize you.
Now, I’ve seen this girl play and I know she isn’t going to tolerate that so I just wait for the moment she snaps. It comes in the third period. The jerk comes running full speed from one side of the ice to the other and gives her one of the worst cheap shot checks I’ve ever seen. She hits the boards hard, lands on the ice, and the crowd yells because the refs either didn’t see it or didn’t care and the play breaks the other way so everyone else is moving away from them.
She doesn’t miss a beat though. Calmly, I watch her pick herself up and jerk hockey player must have said something to cause her to snap because she takes her helmet off and goes his way. At this point, I can tell her thinks he’s going to dismiss this sweet little girl and tell her to play with dolls or something but he never gets the chance. She cold cocks him right in the jaw and starts beating the piss out of him.
He must have had maybe 50 pounds on her but she didn’t care. She beat his butt handily. And because the refs were on the other side of the ice, it took a little bit of time to break them up. She got ejected. He got ejected too, but he sulked out of the arena knowing full well he got his butt kicked by a girl. It was absolutely amazing.
34. Don’t Bug Insects
When I was about ten or so I shot a cricket with a Nerf gun from a prone position and it dodged it and then jumped at me. I got up in panic so fast, the gun flung from my hand into the kitchen, breaking a few glasses. Never messed with crickets again!
35. A Rally Cry For Those Who are Followed
I was working in a sketchy part of Albuquerque when I realized a guy was following me through the parking lot. I started walking faster and so did he. I knew I wasn’t going to get into my car before he reached me so I took the knife out of my purse and turned around and shoved it in his face and yelled: “I’M FROM WISCONSIN I CAN GUT I DEER.”
Dude took off and I got in my car shaking.
36. How Do You Say “Just Desserts” in Korean?
When I was stationed in Korea, there was this meathead soldier on pass from the DMZ. He was your stereotypical DMZ infantryman—6’3″ or so, completely jacked, cocky as can be. Well, he was at one of the clubs I frequented in Seoul and he was looking for a fight. In the club, I saw him constantly trying to start crap, but most of the guys there were just wanting to get drunk and laid, not fight.
A while later, I’m outside the club, and he comes out still looking for a fight. Nobody outside the club was really wanting to fight him either, until this scrawny little Korean dude tried to walk by on the sidewalk. The big, bad infantryman gave this little five-foot, 90-pound Korean dude a shove. Well, I’m guessing the little Korean guy may have had some anger issues.
He grabbed the infantryman by the throat, slammed him down on the hood of a car, and pummelled him unconscious. After he was done, he dusted himself off and kept walking down the sidewalk as if nothing happened. Nobody tried to stop the Korean guy from beating the ever-living crap out of the meathead. And once everyone was sure that the meathead wasn’t going to die, he didn’t get much sympathy.
37. The Next Practice Scrimmage was Probably Hella Awkward
In high school between classes, a couple of the defensive backs on our football team thought it would be funny to run full speed into the open doors to knock over the students who were leaving the classrooms. After seeing this happen a few days in a row, I, the football team’s starting defensive tackle, decided to post up behind the door.
After I felt the thump of my fellow teammate hitting the door, I emerged from behind the door to find him laying on the ground. I reached out a hand and helped him to his feet. Then I told him, “Hey man, you gotta watch where you’re going. There’s a door there.”
38. Winning the Respect of the Bystanders
I watched a guy try to steal a girl’s purse. He sprinted past her, grabbed onto the strap, and tried to yank it off her arm. She was a lot stronger than he’d anticipated, because she pulled the bag back, and sent him sprawling onto the sidewalk. She then kicked the absolute crap out of him, screaming at him the whole time.
As this took place in Montreal, people just watched her beat him up, and clapped politely when she was done. She curtseyed to the crowd, spat on him, and walked off.
39. Dude, Just Take the L
I worked as a bouncer in a club for a while. I don’t really look the part, but I can both dish out and take physical punishment without much trouble. A male drunk customer was harassing a female customer. I don’t know how it started, but she came to me and asked me to help her, so I told him to leave her alone. He mumbled something about me wanting to steal his “target” (yes, he used that word), and apparently didn’t realize that I worked in the club, even though I had the bouncer ID pinned to my shirt.
He tried to punch me, but was too drunk to hit me properly, so I grabbed him and literally carried him outside.
40. It Started Out With a Catcall and Ended With Him Calling Uncle
I had a friend in college, we’ll call him John for Internet anonymity. He’s an awesome guy but had a sketchy childhood due to bad parents. His dad took off when he was a kid and his mom was a heavy drug user. He spent time living with his grandma and in foster homes. He didn’t have two pennies to rub together but went to college on a football scholarship.
He wasn’t a big guy—he played safety—but he was very athletic and solid muscle. He was also very mild-mannered and quiet. Anyway, that sets the story up. We were all out doing what you do in college, hopping from bar to bar. John had hardly had anything to drink because he didn’t have a ton of money for that sort of thing and wasn’t the sort of guy to comfortably accept lots of free drinks.
As we’re walking down the street between establishments, one of the girls in our group starts getting catcalled. We’re all pretty drunk so there were lots of words yelled back and forth. It escalated to one of the guys coming over, but there weren’t any signs of danger at this point, just college idiots being college idiots.
John hadn’t been involved in the yelling except to tell everyone to calm down and just let it go. He was trying to guide us all away from the confrontation like a sober sheepdog when the guy who had been doing the catcalling throws this wild punch, hitting John. It was a complete cheap shot but he mostly missed the mark.
The hook got more shoulder than head or face. But John turned, and before any of us knew what was going on, John had put his shoulder into the guy’s stomach, drove him to the ground, and went to town on his guy’s face. We pulled him off. The whole fight must have only lasted 5-10 seconds, but the guy was out cold and bleeding in the street.
After the fact, we found out he ended up in the ER with a broken nose and orbital bone. The guy ended up dropping out and we didn’t see him again. But everyone learned that you don’t mess with John.
41. Eat Your Words
A while ago I decided to treat myself to some Burger King. I was having a bad day and had a headache coming on. So I was waiting in line at the BK, when suddenly this woman comes in with a monster of a child. He was out of control, screaming, punching his mother, throwing things around. The mother didn’t pay any attention to him and he continued yelling, “I want a PIE.”
My headache turned into a full-blown migraine. I calmly turned and asked if she could please calm her child down. Immediately she got up in my face, telling me to mind my own business. I nodded and turned around, when the child cried out again how he wants a pie. I then decided to ruin their day in the most devious way I could think of.
When I got to the front of the line I asked the person at the register how many apple pies they have left. They told me and I bought all of them. I ate one and made sure the kid saw me throw the rest in the trash.
42. Real Smooth
I waitressed in high school. This happened when I was 16 or 17. A guy came in to eat with his family—a little girl and his pregnant wife. They were really, really friendly and at first, I thought it was a great table. The wife went to the bathroom and the guy asked for the check.
On the check, he wrote his phone number in the tip area along with “Call me, baby”. I ran his card, waited until his wife came back, and brought over the guy’s card and his receipt. I handed the receipt to the pregnant woman and told her something was wrong with the tip. She got SUPER upset and I got in a lot of trouble with my managers for stirring the pot.
In retrospect, I probably didn’t handle that the best way, but at the same time I was furious that some guy would come to eat with HIS PREGNANT WIFE—they were both wearing wedding bands, acting couple-y, 99% positive they were married, pretty much 100% confirmed when I gave the wife the receipt with the guy’s “tip” on it—and try to hit on a girl half his age. If he’s pulling that stuff so brazenly, god knows what else he’s doing behind his wife’s back.
43. Don’t Stop Believing
My dad is out of state on business driving through some no-name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly, a cop pulls him over and tickets him—stating that he ran a stop sign. My dad insisted that there was not any stop sign, but the cop did not listen. Pissed, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was indeed a stop sign hidden behind a tree and twisted in the wrong direction!
Even more pissed, he went into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera. The clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up.
Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket, and was shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge, and strolled out in five minutes scot-free.
44. Well, That Escalated Quickly
So about ten years ago, while I was still living in Mexico, I had a situation happen that I still think about to this day. I was not much of a party person, but my brother was. We were not rich either, but we did have connections. Anyways, one day, my brother goes out to a party at a club. He’s about 5’10” (tall in Mexico), very strong as he loves going to the gym, and he knows how to fight.
One of his friends, in a drunken stupor, picks a fight with some rich boy, which makes a person at the club approach my brother and tell him, “Dude…your friend is picking a fight with the wrong guy.” It turns out he was related to some gang or possibly cartel. My brother then proceeds to go separate his friend, but by this time, the bouncers of the club have already started mobilizing and kicking people out.
The main bouncer was this tall dude who used to do MMA and he was trying to get my brother to move quicker. My brother had his arms raised and was walking to the exit, but this dude was trying to bring him down, kicking his legs, punching his torso, just to abuse his power. As my brother is getting out, the dude runs ahead of him, turns around, and leap-kicks my brother in the face, breaking his nose.
My brother does not fall. He just walks to his car and drives home. The next day, after going to the hospital, he talks with my dad. He tells him what happened and we leave it at that. Two weeks later, my dad calls my brother and tells us, “Hey man you don’t have to worry about that guy anymore. I was at a high school reunion with some friends and the topic came up. I talked to an old friend of mine who seemed interested in what happened. Then he told me ‘Don’t worry, I got you covered.’ I didn’t think much of this, I hadn’t seen him in a while, so not sure what he was saying, but…”
And as our dad finishes the story, he sends us a picture of the bouncer, beaten to a pulp, and tied up to the train tracks. My brother and I were freaked the heck out. That next weekend, my brother went back to the club. The bouncer who broke his nose instantly guided him to a table, served him some drinks, and apologized to him, telling him that, “If he needed anything, to just ask.” That was the freakiest thing I have ever witnessed.
45. Lacking Some Common Cents
There’s this old miserly looking man with a nickel, who seems to just ride the subway all day. The nickel man only seems to have one purpose in his life, he sticks his hand out with a nickel on his palm, and he just points it at you. It’s like he’s asking you to look at his plain ol’ nickel. He’s like a reverse panhandler.
One night, I was coming home drunk and saw the nickel man. He was doing his usual rounds, and he came to me. He stuck out his hand, and like usual you just let him be. But I was tipsy and I pulled the nickel out of his hand. Within seconds, he went from normal nickel man to a freaking crazy rip your face off yelling angry man.
I put it back, and he became normal nickel man again. I was mortified.