“How to Comfort Yourself When You Have Acted Like a Jerk: Everyone does this occasionally, and you shouldn’t feel too upset about it unless it happens quite often, such as three times a day, in which case you must simply get used to it. Remember, other people like you as well or better for it, because it makes them feel so superior; so you’ve spread a little sunshine. And at the very least, you’ve served as a bad example.”―Peg Bracken, The I Hate to Housekeep Book.
Learning how to give up caring about being embarrassed is one of the keys to life. It is a great quality to have, being aloof and all, but that doesn’t mean that there are not moments where the ground opens up and we wish we could be swallowed up and transported away from the situation. But luckily, everyone knows this feeling. Here are some of the most embarrassing “Ground Swallow Me Up” moments people have shared on Reddit.
1. What a Sucker
After a dress fitting my seamstress made some remark about how she appreciated me not sucking my gut in—which would have thrown off the measurement.
I then proudly proclaimed to her and her husband that “I never suck!”
2. Ever Get the Feeling You’re Being Watched?
I was a weird kid. When I was 15 years old, I wandered into the living room in my boxers one afternoon, hand down the front, enjoying being home alone. President George W. Bush was on TV saying something about cloning. With little understanding of what he is talking about, I yell at the top of my lungs, “WE’RE FREAKIN’ SCREWED!!!”
When I was home alone and a teenager, I liked to get wacky like this—probably just as an outlet for excess energy and my general facade of being a decent kid. I would dance around, yell random things, you name it. Basically, if you saw me in private at any point in these years, you would have thought I was insane.
Unfortunately for me, I discovered that I had not actually been home alone that day and my mom was in the living room watching this unfold. She yelled at me in shock at my behavior. It was easily one of the top ten most embarrassing moments I’ve ever been in, and it was never discussed again.
3. Really Driving the Point Home
In middle school, my crush’s mom and my mom drove the exact same SUV. They even had similar license plates. After school one day, I ran up, hopped in my mom’s car and started talking. When she didn’t talk back and hadn’t left the pickup row after about 30 seconds, I looked at her. She was not my mom. I look to my right and my crush is standing outside the car looking at me like I’m crazy. I sheepishly got out and ran a few cars back to my real mom.
A few years later, I had moved back to the area and was a cashier at a local store. My crush came through the line, recognized me and started to say “weren’t you that girl who…” where I just interrupted with a “yes,” handed him his change and quickly started with the next customer.
4. It’s Hereditary
This is my friend’s story.
She smoked a bit in high school but obviously hid it from her parents. This one time, she came downstairs in the morning to find some …substances sitting on the kitchen counter. She knew for sure it wasn’t hers and that she wouldn’t be stupid enough to leave one out like that. Her mother soon walked downstairs and started cleaning up around the kitchen. When she ran into the joint, she paused, locked eyes for a bit with my friend, said “Uh-oh,” and quickly brushed it away. They both pretended that it never happened.
5. Two of a Kind
I accidentally started kissing my girlfriend’s identical twin sister. Nuff said…
6. Wrong Person for a Momma Joke
I made a “your mom” joke to a classmate who lost her mother to cancer a month earlier. In my defense, “your mom” was a literally reflexive thing to say for me at that point, but Jesus; I even went to the funeral.
7. Don’t Joke About Aneurysms
I was talking to this guy and he wasn’t paying attention, so I said:
“Hey, Erik, listen to me, are you having an aneurysm or what?”
Erik turns to me and says in a deadpan tone:
“My mom died of an aneurysm.”
8. Just Making Conversation
This one time at a funeral, my cousins and I saw an older gentleman approach the casket. It was an open casket, and he started talking. No big deal, but what he said killed us. It was something like “Hey Jude. I’d ask how you’re doing, but you’re dead.”
9. This One is Definitely Outside the Box!
I lost control at my grandmother’s wake.
She loved collecting the toys and prizes from fast food places and we had a box of some of her favorites sitting under her casket during the viewing. One of these items was a stuffed, talking Taco Bell dog.
The room was mostly silent, save for some crying people, when suddenly, this darn dog decides to spit out one of his lines. The line? “I think I need a bigger box.” So picture this: in a silent room full of mourning family members, all you hear is that line coming from what seems to be the casket. Everyone just lost it. We were loud enough that the mortician came in to complain that we were disturbing the other patrons.
Grammy would have loved that story!
10. What’s in a Name?
This happened to my dad recently. He had a coworker who was a bit of a cat lady. She and her husband never had kids, so the cats played that role in their lives. One day she came to work pretty visibly shaken up, so my dad pulled her aside and asked what was wrong.
She said her husband was doing laundry last night and while loading the dryer, the cat must have jumped in behind his back. He then proceeded to turn on the dryer and unfortunately, the cat didn’t make it. My dad says, “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that! What was your cat’s name?” She answers “Fluffy”. Dad lost it.
11. Spilling the Beans
Sitting around the kitchen table with newish boyfriend, boyfriend’s mom and dad in the living room. He’s filling out a form for a sleep apnea test because he snores like a bear at night. Most of the questions he needs to ask other people because they happen while he is sleeping, like, does your snoring wake your partner?
Question comes up “Do you suffer from impotence?” and I immediately answer “NOPE!”
Cue the slow head turn of the mom and boyfriend, plus the immediate laughter of the dad in the next room. Felt my face go cherry red as I sank deeper into my chair. That’s how they found out we were intimate.
12. Closing the Wrong Purse
I was in line in the cafeteria and my female friend is leaning on the table holding her purse. Every time she opens it, I close it. I did it twice then she suddenly faced me. It was a total stranger. I went back to our classroom and didn’t eat lunch.
13. Falling into the Speech
I was deathly afraid of public speaking in high school. When I had to give a speech in front of the class, my legs would shake and I would sweat profusely every time.
We had to give oral book reports to the whole class in my senior English class. I’m sitting in my chair, legs crossed, sweating with anticipation, when the teacher calls my name, “You’re up.”
I let out a deep breath and go to stand up. I forget to uncross my legs, so I trip. But I don’t just trip, I stumble. I try to regain my balance, but instead I pick up speed. I tumble for about 10 feet before I finally fall. I get up as the whole class stares at me. I slowly walk up to the front of the class and say, “Well, the speech can’t get any worse now.”
That moment helped me overcome my fear of public speaking though. Since then, I’ve given multiple speeches in front of large crowds with no problem.
14. Teenagers are Cruel
Short backstory: I have epilepsy. We discovered I have epilepsy after I had a full-on, tonic-clonic seizure for the first time when I was standing in front of my locker in the sixth grade. It was the first one of my life, and my body didn’t know what to do, so I ended up peeing my pants. It’s the only time I’ve ever lost bladder control during a seizure.
Fast forward to the 10th grade, I was in class talking to a new kid, who I just so happened to have a crush on. I had told him my name, and a girl turned around, took one look at how we were sitting together and said,
“Aren’t you the girl that peed herself in middle school?”
He never talked to me again.
15. Smurf Life
In middle school, I used to have a bad habit of chewing on these pens that had sharp tips and came in red, black, and blue ink. Can’t remember the brand but they had a gray body and a see thru little window to see the ink left. Anyway, what I didn’t know is that the tube/body was slightly pressurized, and one day during class I bit too hard on the pen, making it burst into my mouth. My teeth, tongue and lips were stained blue for days and everyone went around saying I did the dirty with a Smurf.
16. Laugh Like Your Life Depends On It
I was at JFK airport in June 2007 when they discovered a weird terrorist plot to blow up the fuel storage. I was standing outside Terminal 1 when some jerk gets pissed off at traffic and peels out around the unloading cars, only to find a red light in front of him. Within moments, 20 national guardsmen with very big automatic weapons were pulling him out of his car and slamming him on the pavement. There was no sound, except for one lone idiot laughing at the top of his lungs. Me.
17. Who Laughs Last…
I was buying a house and I mentioned to our realtor that we were interested in living on Belcher Street. My wife bursts out laughing at the word “Belcher.” It was infectious so myself and the realtor started laughing. Then we stopped. And she continued. It got weirdly awkward…
18. Covered in Bling
A double leg amputee rolled past me in his wheelchair. He was bookin’ it and had a ton of gold chains on, along with a grill in his mouth. It just seemed so…I dunno, but I found it hilarious.
19. It’s Not What She Said, It’s How She Said It
At my grandfather’s funeral, my grandmother was up front, crying. Everyone was sad. My grandfather was a generous and kind man.
But when the priest said, “Only the body is gone. The spirit still lives on forever.”
My grandmother said “Amen!” loudly and in a very sassy sounding tone.
I broke out laughing. Apparently, the rest of my family didn’t see the humor in it…
20. Let’s Hope She Loves Him for His Sense of Humor
My wedding vows. Husband got through his, then hit a giggle loop that had me struggling to get through mine. To the point where I was a little late on a few responses and my Dad asked my Mom “Is she crying?” “No. No. She’s laughing.”
21. Sundae Surprise
I used to wait tables. During a busy Sunday post-church lunch rush, I had to make a sundae for a table in the very back corner of the restaurant. I get to the table and the entire party starts laughing. I’m standing there holding the sundae, super confused. I look down and realize that I had somehow managed to get a large amount whipped cream directly over my crotch while preparing the sundae. It was nowhere else on me. Just my crotch.
All I could do was put the sundae down, say “Oh my gosh,” and speed walk back through the entire restaurant to clean myself up.
22. More Than a Fun Sucker
When I was younger I was arguing with my dad and called him a fun sucker.
Except I got my consonants mixed up and called him… you know what.
In front of my whole extended family.
23. Bad Timing, Bro
I was in eighth grade. We were watching a very serious movie in class about a tragic historical event. At that moment, a friend of mine leaned over and put these 2 masterfully carved wooden bird pens on my desk. He had bought them at some shop in the mountains over the weekend and waited until then to show me. I couldn’t help myself, it was so weird. I burst out laughing. Teacher pauses the movie. “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY!?” she yelled. I show her the pens, still laughing. I get lunch detention for a week.
24. What Came First—the Donkey or the Egg?
They started playing the “Hallelujah” song at my school.
My friend asks, “Isn’t this the song from Shrek?”
25. Can She Get an Amen?
Well, it wasn’t uncontrollable, but there were a lot of laughs at my mom’s funeral. My grandmother, who was 96 years old at the time and having a bit of dementia, said out loud “Oh you shut your mouth” when the priest started his prayers. It actually lightened up a grim room.
26. Suits Don’t Equal Fun
In high school, I was hanging out with my group of friends at lunch. One of our friends walked up wearing a suit and started talking to one of my other friends. A few moments later, he says, “Ok guys, I’m heading out now. I’ll be back tomorrow.” So I replied excitedly, “Alright man, have fun!!”
He gave me the weird scowl/look of betrayal I’ve ever seen. Somehow it slipped past my radar that his girlfriend had developed a super rare disease and died, inside the time span of a week. All my friends were looking at me with the widest eyes as he walked away, and in a chorus everyone was like, “DUUUUUUUUUDE.”
27. Bad With Accents
My wife once heard a girl’s accent and asked if she was Australian.
She was deaf.
28. Bare on the Mountain
I was 13, and my family and I were on a skiing holiday. My parents had decided to sign me up for lessons, so that my dad could get some good skiing in and my mum and sister could relax and drink hot chocolate. My sister had broken her wrist a few weeks prior to leaving and my mum isn’t really a winter sports fan.
I had been throwing myself down mountain slopes with about as much grace as a brick, with the tutor occasionally griping about said demeanor, and was exhausted. We had time for one more run, so we all waddled over to the T-bar machine. This imaginatively named device is so called because a metal bar, shaped like an upside down T, hooks below your butt and drags you upwards so you’re not constantly climbing for ten minutes and skiing back down in a few seconds.
Somehow, my jacket got caught on the bar, which knocked me to the ground. This is not the embarrassing part.
It then dragged me along the snow, past where I was supposed to ski off, and carried on along a very icy patch towards the mountain where it would turn back. Still not the embarrassing part.
The embarrassing part was when the rough ice dragging under me somehow managed to pull down my ski pants, thermals and underwear, exposing my bare butt to an entire slope of people and giving me a nasty ice/friction burn all down my thigh. Also, I was yelling my head off to get someone to stop the machine. A lot of people saw.
I was helped up and off the ice, and skied down to the bigger lift to take me back down to the hotel. I cried the entire way down.
The real kicker was getting back, telling my family this story—while still sobbing through wounded butt and wounded pride—and having my dad and sister howl with laughter while my mum desperately tried to comfort me.
29. Walking Funny
I was walking with my friends from the dorms to a restaurant or something and, deciding to be silly, started doing this little “Skippy hop” type walk. Lame gag for a laugh, but no one was laughing. We were at the age where guys laugh at every stupid thing their friends do so I stopped to turn around and see what was up.
Before I could turn around though I noticed that there was this guy who was somewhat disabled walking in the opposite direction, coming towards us. One half of his body was atrophied and partially paralyzed or something—I don’t know what was actually wrong with him—and this caused him to walk with a type of limp very similar but less exaggerated than the Skippy hop I was just doing.
We made eye contact and I just looked at the ground and heard one of my friends say “What the heck are you doing?” in this tone that makes me cringe to this day. That was almost a decade ago.
On the upside, this was so cringey (if that word is even appropriate) that I think I’m dead inside and can’t feel embarrassment anymore.
30. Rotten Response
My birthday party, about 15 years old. Kid knocks on the door, I answered. Kid’s front tooth is GREEN like from rot, it was a temporary cap or something. I just stared at him and he said hi, I said “Tooth”. Pretty sure we both were humiliated.
We did not retain the friendship.
31. Expecting to Get Off of the Elevator, Obviously
I once asked a woman in an elevator when she was expecting.
“Expecting what?” she said.
Stood frozen and silent until I got off.
32. The Ground Actually Swallowed Them Up
I fell waist deep into a sinkhole full of mud and cow poop.
33. Hug of Embarrassment
So, I had a crush on a girl back in 10th grade. We pretty much flirted with each other and she told me via MSN that she she would like a hug when she came back to school—she was sick for like 2 weeks straight.
So when the day came, I hugged her.
It was super awkward.
I hugged her for like a minute straight and she calmly asked if I would let go of her. That minute felt like an eternity and was embarrassing as heck.
After like 11 years it still makes me cringe when I think about it.
34. Trouble With Waiting
I ran into someone I knew from high school at the DMV and talked to him while I was waiting. I got called up and I took care of everything I needed to do before he did. As I was leaving, I told the guy, “It was cool seeing you, good luck with the wait,” due to the fact that there were 15 to 20 people in front of him.
He heard it as, “Good luck with the weight,” which was something he was always sensitive about. He looked at me pissed off/confused and said, “What did you just say to me?” to which I sloppily attempted to explain by saying, “You know, the wait. there’s a bunch of people in front of you,” or something like that. It was very embarrassing.
35. No Time to Be Chiming in
My mother was raised Catholic but grew away from the church for various reasons over the years. Later on, she became very active at her local Baptist church and decided to officially convert. They held a huge ceremony during the Sunday morning service, and the whole family showed up to support her.
Well, there is always music and singing, and being a fairly large church, they had a band with a multitude of instruments. There was this one guy, and his job was to play the chimes. You know, the different ones hanging on strings all in a row? Well, let me tell you, this guy LOVED to play the freaking chimes. It was his only job. He did it with such flourish. He would shove his hand into the air before swooping into the hanging bars of metal. Did you know that he was also able to incorporate chimes into multiple points of all the songs played? Well, he did. Chimessssss all day.
The first time it happened, my husband and I locked eyes in the pew. That was it, we lost it. AND HE KEPT DOING IT! Song after song. We could not get control of ourselves. My father, sitting behind us, was furious.
36. Talking Heads
Ordered an Uber with my new boss on a business trip yesterday. Began making small talk with the driver to show her how great I am at talking to people. Driver was talking with his girlfriend on a headset…
37. Wrong Cousins Wife
I said to my cousin’s wife: “How are the children?”
She said: “Oh they’re not here yet.”
Then it hit me. She’d just had a miscarriage a week ago. I mistook her for another cousin’s wife.
38. Not in Sync
It took me a long time to grow into myself. I was bookish, I wore sweater vests, I had one of those sun color change necklaces—I genuinely thought it might make me look cool—and I hairsprayed my Ross Geller hair cut. I was called “helmet hair” due to my overuse of hairspray. I had a crush on this one girl who was very popular, but she was nice to me a few times so I kept up the dream.
One day she has a note passed to me in class, everyone saw it, and I hid it in my desk until I could get home and read it alone.
I raced home and rushed into my room, then opened the note. In the note she said she wanted to ask me something but was too embarrassed, so could I come talk to her? My heart fluttered, and for about 12 hours I believed I was this close to having a girlfriend.
At school the next day my friend told me it was probably a trap and to forget about it, but she was nice to me, so I persisted. I walked up to her and said we should talk, she motioned that we should go talk in private away from her friends and our classmates, but I insisted she just ask me.
Her: “So I heard you really like NSYNC.”
Me: “Yeah! I love them, I just got the CD last weekend.”
Her: “So do you want to go see them with me?”
Me: “I’d love to, I’d been wanting to ask you out.”
Her: “… Wait… You’re not gay?”
She wanted me to be her gay friend. I was not/am not gay, I just liked NSYNC.
39. Joker’s Smile
I used to wear glasses, hearing aids, braces, and had severe cystic acne. My doctor put me on Accutane (for the acne) and it made my face insanely dry. One day a few weeks after starting the medication, my friend made me laugh hard in class—it cracked the skin on my cheeks and my face bled in the shape of my smile like Heath Ledger’s joker scar. I was an abomination.
40. Spoiler Alert: The Movie Wasn’t a Comedy
I had just downed my friend’s Taiwanese energy drink. It was English class. We were watching The Pianist. During the scene where the soldiers demanded the old man in a wheelchair stand, I suddenly snorted. I slapped my hand over my mouth but I couldn’t stop. As the two men hurled the poor crippled old man over the balcony I was practically convulsing in laughter.
I didn’t get in trouble, but I got a few dirty looks.
41. Self-Deprecating Humor
I was in a staff meeting when they told us the store was closing and we would all be losing our jobs. It was the first mandatory full staff meeting in the two years I had been there.
I was joking in the carpool to work that we were all getting laid off in one go to save time and when we get there the Big Boss has tissue boxes lining the meeting table.
I knew I was right and immediately started giggling like an idiot. I kept it together—kinda—until they announced the layoffs and then I lost it. Other people were in tears for losing their jobs but the whole thing was weirdly hilarious to me.
42. NFL Farts
I farted in front of a client—who is a famous NFL player. I pretended nothing happened and so did he. I wanted to run out and disappear.
43. Poorly Placed Gas Explosion
I remember I used to work with this gorgeous girl when I was a freshman in high school. One day I’d bought some groceries before heading home and she offered me a ride, which I happily accepted. When we got to my house, I proceeded to bend over to grab something while she was doing the same right behind me and I ripped one in her face. After awkward eye contact, we both unloaded the car in silence before saying goodbye.
44. Wrong Facebook Status
Trying to stalk someone on Facebook and typing their name into the status bar instead of the search button. I was in a car with my friend at the time and then we lost signal as I frantically tried to delete. Still makes me cringe.
45. Bikinis and Water Sports Don’t Mix
First bikini, Canadian lake with 16-year-old boys in the cabin next door. I was 15. In love. They take a week before asking if I want to try waterskiing, 0.002 seconds standing. Face plant. Bottoms slowly sink in the crystal clear water. When they come back around to help me into the boat I reply: “I don’t think waterskiing is for me.” Swam back to shore in my life vest. Never waterskied again.
Life advice: learn water-sports in a one-piece.
46. What an Entrance!
Dad tripped and fell while walking into the house. I laughed. I got grounded.
47. Instant Recoil
A manager was working through a transaction with a couple. Whenever the man was asked a question, his wife would answer. He asked, “Does she ever let you speak for yourself?” The wife responded with “No. Not since his stroke.”
48. Proving Them Wrong
I ran into an old co-worker at McDonald’s, our tenures had overlapped by about a month and that was several years ago. He recognizes me and calls me over to his friends and tells them “This is the nicest guy I have ever met.” In the next three minutes, I called him by the wrong name and asked him how he liked a job he’d never worked at. It was pretty clear that I hardly remembered him.
I was so embarrassed that I got my McDonald’s to go and ate it in my car. I’m midway through my burger when he and his friends walk up and get into the car directly facing mine. We made awkward eye contact while I had my food in my hand and then they drove off.
49. Falling for You
I was in the elevator area of my former job and wearing a skirt that was a little too big for me. Luckily, I had one of those long sweaters on overtop because I was talking to the maintenance guy and the skirt just dropped to the floor like, “AAAAND WERE DONE HERE” and the guy and I just stared at each other for a small eternity.
50. Slapping the Teacher
It happened in grade nine.
I don’t know why but me and my friends would play this stupid game where we would try to sneak up on each other and slap the back of our heads as “our way” of saying hey.
I spotted my buddy Rhys at the end of the hall and snuck up the best I could and wound up a home run slapper.
He noticed last second and ducked.
I ended up slapping the heck out of my teacher’s boob as she turned the corner.
After the slap, it felt like time was frozen.
Kids in the hall all just stopped what they were doing and the teacher just kind of stood there in shock.
I was so embarrassed I cried. In the hall. Surrounded by kids from my grade.
Then I got sent to the principal’s office, where I got a one day in school suspension for “hitting a teacher.” I think the punishment was so light because the teacher felt sorry for me.
The phone call to my parents explaining what happened sucked. My mom was just disappointed in me—in some ways that just made it worse—and my dad just kept laughing.
I got called “boobie” for two years.
I’m 23 now, but my friends still bring up that story.
51. Big Things Come in Small Packages
My high school girlfriend asked if she could have some risque underwear she was ordering mailed to my house instead of hers, because she did not want her parents to discover it when it arrived. Fine with me, my family is very serious about privacy so I thought it would work out.
However, the mailman accidentally delivered it to my neighbor’s house—who was not quite as serious about privacy. She opened it not realizing it was addressed to my house. She panicked, not knowing what to do, and brought it to my house. I wasn’t home, so my older sister collected it and left it on my bed.
When I returned home, all my sister said was “There’s a package on your bed, and we’re never speaking of this again.” I found it hysterical. My girlfriend was mortified.
52. Basket Case
When I triumphantly scored in a basketball game when I was eight in front of a whole crowd—only to realize it was on the wrong hoop. I have considered asking my sister to formally sign a non-disclosure agreement.
53. We Have So Much in Common!
I was really getting into this girl and finally managed to ask her out on a date. When we get there, things are actually going really smoothly. Then I bring up the fact that my grandparents are straight out of Sicily. She says oh that’s cool. Then I say they’re from a certain town, and she says her parents are from the same town. She goes home and, surprise surprise, she’s related to me! Needless to say, we don’t ever talk about that date we went on. As a matter of fact, we don’t talk much about anything since then…
54. You Need Winter Tires
Once, my dad took me and my two siblings out for a spin in his new car in late December. Along the way, we went around a corner and slid on the ice. Next thing we know the car starts to tilt to about 50 degrees right beside a long drop. We’re all thinking we’re about to tumble to our deaths.
We just kinda awkwardly waited for a bit, until my dad was somehow able to slam the car back onto the main road. He made us promise to not tell mum, with the threat being that we wouldn’t ever get to do anything fun again.
55. Plenty of Fish in the Sea
Me and the wife were out on the lake fishing when all of a sudden, I felt a vicious rumbling in my gut. My stomach was killing and I was about to poop my pants. I looked around and noticed we were nowhere near a dock, and there was nobody else on the water.
So I looked my wife in the eye and told her I was sorry and loved her very much. I then proceeded to hang my behind over the side of the boat and do my business. It was over quite quickly thankfully. My wife passed me a few old receipts from her purse so I could wipe. She told me she still loved me and we kept on fishing as though nothing had happened.
56. Mistaken Identity
My husband and I work at the same small office. We were the first ones in that morning and the other employees usually don’t show up for another hour or so. There’s only one bathroom on our floor, as it’s a small business.
Anyway, I had just had some habanero spicy thing the day before and I was in for some punishment on this particular morning. I’m talking doubled over, clutching your stomach, your farts are fire punishment. I suddenly hear a knock on the bathroom door and I assume it’s my husband.
“Hang on, I’m having the habanero squirts—I’ll be out as soon as I can!” I groan out between awful sounds. I hear a female voice awkwardly reply, “Oh…okay.”
Sorry, Stacy, for pulling you into my terrible morning…
57. Accidents Happen
I peed myself on my friend’s bed once out of nowhere during a sleepover. I realized it and just went back to sleep because I didn’t know what to do. When we both woke up again, it had dried and she casually told me that the stain on that bed was from when she went to bed with her hair wet one time. But it was on my side, and hadn’t been there before. I don’t know what her reason for offering that explanation was, but I know it was me and I still feel awful about it. Either way, neither of us has ever brought it up again.
58. Happily Ever After
My brother had an imaginary girlfriend with an imaginary Facebook profile. She would post loving, imaginary messages on his wall. I asked about her a few times, then got a little more persistent. After a while, I got suspicious and did an image search for her photos. They were for another person in another country. Also, no one ever saw the imaginary girlfriend in real life.
If someone asked me about her after seeing their loving Facebook exchanges, I would kind of imply that we’d met to spare my brother (and myself) the inevitable embarrassment. Eventually, he stopped talking about the imaginary girlfriend and she stopped posting imaginary things. I will never ask what happened to her. I’m pretty sure he will never mention her again. She’s still on Facebook.
59. All I Can Say is Wow
I accidentally farted very loudly at my grandmother’s funeral in the middle of her sister’s eulogy speech. I was 17. Everyone heard it, yet no one has ever acknowledged that it happened.
60. Tick Tock
I came home from a week at Girl Scout camp at 13, and discovered a tick the size of a thumbtack attached to a very private place. I had to go to my mom and get her to help detach it. When she finished, she told me we didn’t ever have to talk about this again if I didn’t want to. Her tone made it clear that she certainly didn’t want to.
61. Illuminating Discovery
As a fireman, our department constantly gets called to the local university dorms thanks to kids who don’t want to go to class, or spark up in their dorm room without cracking a window.
We got an alarm activation at the dorm room at 3 am on a Friday. Nothing really out of the ordinary, we went and it was another routine nonsense call. Procedure dictates, however, that we evacuate all residents and look for a source of the alarm activation. That also means getting a master key and going into any room without an open door.
When we reach the last room on the third floor, the door is locked and no one seems to be coming out. We knocked, banged and finally opened the door forcefully. There was nothing in the room but a lamp, with a muscular naked dude passed out on top of it. My lieutenant looked at me, and not a word was said. We continued our search and to this day have not spoken of that room.
62. Possession is Nine Tenths of the Law
Back when I was a teenager, my father and I had an unmentionable cold war of sorts. There has been a tacit agreement never to speak of it, and we haven’t.
It all started when my mother found my hidden stash of adult magazines. Both parents confronted me about it when I got home from school, confiscated it and, of course, threw it in the bin.
Or so I thought.
Months later, I happened upon my collection, hidden at the bottom of my dad’s wardrobe. Hidden. From my mother, clearly.
So I took it back and hid it in my bedroom. What’s he going to do? Tell my mother I’d taken the materials he’d hidden from her that he was supposed to have thrown out?
Eventually, he found it again. And took it back. And hid it.
And I found it again. And took it back. And hid it.
This went on for years. And it’s never been mentioned.
And it never will be.
63. Top-Down Approach
I once accidentally saw my friend’s mom topless. We don’t talk about it. It was very weird going to his house the next day, I could not make eye contact with her after that.
64. Be Thankful She Was So Nice To You
My husband and I were going to Thanksgiving dinner at the house of some of my dad’s family that I only kind of knew. We got there, knocked, and a woman I didn’t recognize let us in. We went into the home and there wasn’t anyone there. There was also no dinner or sign of any event hosting preparations. So we’re making small talk with this lady and I ask when everyone is coming. She asks what I mean.
Turns out we were at the wrong house. The woman just thought we were friends of her husband’s because he would often randomly bring people home, and that we had simply arrived before he did.
We left and never mentioned to anyone at the real party that we had been in another house on the way there.
65. There’s a First Time for Everything
I got into a car accident for the first time in my life with my younger brother in the car. I stupidly wasn’t paying attention to the car in front of me and rear-ended them pretty hard. Luckily, no one was hurt—but my parents would have killed me if they had found out I had done that. We exchanged information and took pictures, but there was no noticeable damage so we left it at that.
I looked at my brother and we both agreed never to bring it up again. I gave him that car when he turned 18 as his reward.
66. Cannonballed to Oblivion
I was at a pool party in 8th grade. I think I may have been swimming around or sitting weirdly, but I remember a friend of mine told me “Dude, I just saw your privates!”
Me: “No you didn’t.”
Friend: “You’re right, I didn’t.”
We never spoke about it again.
67. Viva Las Vegas
I was in Vegas with my boys and I got trashed early. I somehow ended up in my room and, during the night, I went into the bathroom, fell in the tub and split my forearm open. I just went back to sleep. I wake up to blood all over the white sheets and carpet. At that moment, a cleaning lady comes in and sees me covered in blood and naked. The look in her eyes still haunts me today. I just grabbed my wallet, threw her a 50, and she left. I could have gotten away with murder in Vegas.
68. A Friendly Favor
My friends and I were playing Never Have I Ever and I brought up that I’d never had a hickey. They decided it would be a good idea to forcefully change that—so two of them pinned me down, while two others sucked on opposite sides of my neck. No one was really sure how it got to that point, but it happened and hasn’t been brought up since.
69. A Romantic Evening
I once tried to make love in a hotel bathtub. The bathroom was very small, there were no lights, and the faucet was leaking. Also, our golden retriever walked into the room and decided to come sit with us—and entered the bathtub while the act was going on. It was definitely one of the weirdest nights of my life, and is never to be spoken of again.
70. Attempted Manslaughter
My wife and I were at my cousin’s apartment in a big city. They have a balcony on the 40th floor. We were all outside on the balcony drinking some beers and getting a little drunk. My wife rests her beer can on the railing of the balcony. I scold her and go to move it when my half drunk and clumsy self accidentally knocks it off. We watch in horror as it falls 40 stories in slow motion and hits the ground like a bullet next to a crowd of people. We never mentioned it to anyone.
71. For One Night Only
My friend and I are very laid back and live in a conservative and very religious part of the country.
One night, while he was going through a really messy divorce and we were away in Europe, I decided on the spur of the moment to take him to the red light district of Amsterdam.
Naturally, we cannot speak of that night. Ever.
72. Revisionist History
Last week, I was in the separate bathroom at work, “pooping” and just buying some time until the end of the day (there wasn’t much to do).
I accidentally had the door unlocked and this coworker opened it and saw me on the toilet. I didn’t know what to say, so I just said “Hi!?.”
Before the end of the day, I told him that whatever that was didn’t happen.
73. A “Ham” Sandwich
When I was younger, my sister took our pet hamster and swallowed him whole without realizing I saw. I didn’t, and still don’t, know what I should do with this information.
74. How to Save a Life
I have awful depth perception. And this one time my friend and I were waiting to cross the road and a bus was turning and for some reason, I was convinced that it was gonna hit us. So I grabbed my friend to try and save her but ended up just cupping her boob. While the bus didn’t hit us and all the passengers just stared at this weird kid cupping this girls boob. Who then started beating on me with her back pack once she got over the shock. I still think I saved her life though.
75. Whip It
It was my birthday and we were sitting at the kitchen table. It was my two sisters, dad, and grandma. We were just passing out some cake and my dad asked if anyone wanted whipped cream and I said:
“Rub whipped cream on me, Daddy.”
I have never once in my life called my dad “Daddy.”
I’m not sure if it matters but I’m a guy, and it was for my 23rd birthday.
76. Avoiding The Poop Conversation
I’d been seeing this guy for about three weeks or so, and he was staying with me for a couple of days. It was early enough that I wasn’t quite comfortable with bringing poop into the relationship—as if there’s ever really a good time—and so when I started to feel some intestinal distress I asked him to go to the shop down the street and pick up some wine to have with dinner. He was fine with it, went downstairs, and gave me some blessed minutes to relieve myself.
It was a poop for the ages—periods will do that to you—so sending him away was definitely the right call. I went to clean myself up, and… no toilet paper. None on the roll. None under the sink. The only place I knew I had some was in the backroom, where I stored all the non-perishable stuff: tins, kitchen roll, bleach, that sort of thing. Well, at least I was alone…
I waddle-waddle-waddle down the hallway, holding my cheeks apart so as not to make a mess, and I’m about halfway to the back room before I hear a little voice from behind me:
“Umm… what are you doing?”
Turns out he’d been to the shop in record time, got back without me noticing, and was sitting on my couch watching me do the Kansas City Shuffle down my hallway — and I’d been presenting my poop-smeared butt to him like some kind of awful mating ritual.
77. Savage Salesman
Went to a dealership and test-drove cars.
Went to sign for car.
Reached into pocket.
Hand went thru pocket to skin.
Six-inch rip in my favorite jeans.
Thought nobody had noticed butt cheek hanging out and felt relieved.
Returned to dealership for oil change three months later.
Salesman: “I see you got new pants!”
78. Cloud Watching
I was about 15. Definitely old enough to know better.
I was putting spiders and ice cubes on the super hot wood stove because the Leidenfrost effect was interesting.
I thought it would be funny to do it with urine. Turns out it was not.
For the uninitiated, what happens is the pee vaporizes and, depending on the volume of your bladder, produces a thick and clearly visible dark brown cloud. If you can imagine the smog line in LA, it looks like that. That cloud hugs the ceiling and hangs down about a foot. It doesn’t really move because it’s water vapor, and it leaves a film on everything it touches.
It smells like… well… like burnt pee, and you can also taste it in the air. The cloud absolutely does not dissipate before your mother gets home from work.
That was the only time I can remember her looking at me with actual hatred—and now we just act like it never happened.
79. Taking One for the Team
I was trying to teach my girlfriend how to drive my manual car. She told me she had done it a few times before and knew what she was doing. Fast forward ten minutes and I no longer have a front bumper. She continues with “I can’t believe I did this! Your friends and family are gonna think I’m an idiot!” I just replied with “I did this,” and we haven’t spoken of it since. Everyone thinks I’m the idiot.
80. Till Death Do Us Part… Or Not
When my best friend died, we figured he would have liked a “sky burial” of sorts. So at the height of the funeral party, we released his ashes into heavens with a giant balloon.
After a few meters of flight, the string snapped and his remains rained down and covered the mourning crowd.
Everyone made their best efforts to get very drunk as soon as possible. No one there will ever speak of this again.
81. Love Story
I had a bout with internal bleeding and really low blood pressure. I was in the hospital and instructed to not try to stand or walk since I’d faint. I didn’t obey that suggestion.
I went to try and use the washroom. My girlfriend saw and chased after me. She caught up just in time to throw herself between me and the floor to prevent me from cracking my head open as I fell back unconscious, pants down, peeing all over everything on the way down.
I awoke with her sandwiched between me and the tile floors, lying in a pool of my urine.
And that’s actually the moment I realized I should marry that girl. Anyone who cared about me to that extent was worth keeping.
But that’s not the story I tell when someone asked, “When did you know she was the one?”
82. Let Off With a Warning
I was on my way to spring break driving from Ohio to Florida and got pulled over. Being a dumb 19-year-old, I had been steadily smoking the whole time. But that wasn’t even the worst of it. I also had a massive stockpile of other illegal substances that I had planned on sharing with my buddy in Florida.
Cop tells me to get out of the car since he can smell drugs. He sits me in his passenger seat and starts interrogating me. I openly admit how much I have since I know he knows it’s there.
The hard drugs were in a Pringles container with a false bottom in a bag full of regular snacks. I figured I’d be safe with that. However, during the questioning, I begin to think “what if he knows these stash cans exist?”
When he finally asks me if I have any other drugs in the car, I hesitated. In that moment of hesitation, I knew I gave away that I had more on me. So I told him where to find the drugs.
After searching my car, he finds everything exactly where I told him. He asks me “What would your parents think?” and proceeds to call my dad.
My dad gave me a good scolding until he felt that I had learned my lesson. He agreed not to bring it up again or even tell anyone about this as long as I stayed clean in the future. He never even told my mom.
We shook hands on “Let’s put this in the vault and never speak of it again,” and haven’t looked back since.
83. A Match Made in Hell
I accidentally matched with my cousin’s girlfriend on Tinder.
I was like “Wow, she is hot—wait a second, I know her!” while rapidly swiping. It was too late. It all happened so fast and I had already swiped “yes” before I realized who she was. Same thing must have happened to her, because we matched. I just messaged her and said “We never speak of this, agreed?”
She agreed. And we’ve never spoken about it. Things are weird around the holidays. We just kinda make eye contact and then one of us finds a reason to leave the room immediately to go and talk to other family members with whom we have not matched on Tinder.
84. Falling for This One
One time, I was taking a poop and feeling very faint. I started getting cold sweats, feeling dizzy and light headed. In a panic, I shouted for my wife to come help me. As she entered the room, I proceeded to faint. I fell off the toilet and rolled my body onto my side to prevent injury. Mid-fall, a solid turd torpedoed out of my butt across the floor—leaving a trail of poop smear. When I came to, my wife was standing there in shock. I got up, grabbed some toilet paper, picked up my shame and we never spoke of it again.
85. Doing the Legwork
So back in high school, there was a girl who sat behind me in Spanish class who loved to put her feet against the back of my chair and push. It was annoying for me, so I would always turn around and slap her legs so she could know to drop her feet. She would do it so much that I got into the habit of just slapping her legs without even turning.
So one day, I feel her feet on the back of my chair as usual and throw back a slap without looking. Her legs felt oddly soft, but I thought I was just imagining things. Her feet remain up against my chair, so I throw an even harder slap. It’s still soft. I turn around to see what’s going on.
I had slapped my Spanish teacher’s butt. Twice. She stared at me in shock, said nothing, and then just proceeded to act like it never happened.
86. Till Misunderstanding Do Us Part
We had a priest with a pretty thick accent perform our wedding and part of our vows included the phrase “love and fidelity.” My husband misunderstood and said “love and fertility,” and for some reason, I thought that it was the most hilarious thing I’d ever heard. Probably due to nerves. I said my all my vows with a shaky voice from trying to hold back my hysterical laughter.
87. It’s an Inside Joke
During the ceremony, the judge started his spiel with something like, “Marriage is an institution that is entered into purposefully, soberly, yadda yadda yadda.” The groom, the best man and I made eye contact on the word “soberly” and all three of us lost it. Guess I should add that the three of us were drinking buddies back in our 20s, and have seen each other do all sorts of embarrassing things while decidedly not sober.
Then all our guests lost it because the three of us were practically in tears at the altar.
It was actually a great way to cut the nervous tension, and I definitely felt more relaxed for the rest of the ceremony.
88. You Showed Him Who’s Boss!
I was at a birthday lunch celebration with my boss and about ten co-workers. My boss started opening gifts before we had even finished eating our meal.
One of the gifts he opened was a potato. Yes, a potato, with just a single insulting curse word written across it.
No one had any idea who had snuck that into his gift pile and most people were dead quiet. I, on the other hand, was dying of laughter.
He got the check and stormed out of the restaurant before finishing opening the rest of the gifts.
89. The Show Must Go On
Right before the start of a show, a fellow actor let out the loudest fart possible that went undetected by the audience. And it smelled awful. I couldn’t help but laugh at the timing of the situation. So half of us on stage were laughing quietly, while the other half was gagging.
90. One Small Step for Your Boss, One Giant Leap for Mankind
My boss gave a talk to a squad of disabled athletes in wheelchairs. Not sure who wrote his speech for him, but not only did he say that “It’s important to put your best foot forward,” but he also said that “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
I had to leave the room.
91. Stay Focused!
Mother was yelling at me for being suspended from school. In the corner of my eye, I saw my cat playing with a toy like a maniac. I tried to hold it in and eventually he left. Then out of nowhere he comes barreling in like an idiot, leaps towards his toy, misses completely, and eats carpet on the landing. I laughed so freakin’ hard.
92. So Tell Me About Yourself
I was interviewing a woman for a part-time job in our office when I realized that if you dipped her in blue paint, she would be the spitting image of Nanny Smurf. I started to crack up and realized I was going to lose it in front of her, so I told her I was having an allergy attack. I ran to the bathroom and laughed my head off, went back and finished the interview.
93. Riding High
I was in an elevator full of people. It was my first time being high in public. I couldn’t keep it together. It was an awkward trip to my floor…
94. Always Go Out on a High Note
We were doing playing tests in band class, and I finished pretty quickly, so I decided to secretly watch cat videos. There was this cat that grabbed a string that was attached to a ceiling fan and it started flying in circles. I managed to burst out laughing right when a kid that wasn’t very good messed up.
95. Blinded with Stupidity
A blind woman wanted to know where the front of the bank was and I pointed and said “It’s over there.”
96. Adolescent Ignorance
I was talking to my new supervisor when she told me it was her third time taking her role at the troubled children program we worked at.
She said, “These kids are what always bring me back.”
17-year-old me smiles and jokingly says, “Why don’t you just have your own?!”
Her smile and jovial spirit quickly turned to a dark, blank, empty stare.
“I did. Two of them. They died six months ago. Both of them.”
Worst moment of my adolescent life.
97. Forgiveness for This Will Cost You an Arm and a Leg
My brother had a nosebleed in his sleep. He had one of those bunk bed type things, but at the bottom, there was a sofa that pulled out as a bed. As he climbed down the ladder, he put his arm through the metal bars so that his hand was facing downwards and he lost his footing. He snapped his forearm in two between the bars. He came into my room looking like he had two elbow joints in his arm and calmly said: “I think I’ve broken my arm.” He did not see the humor in it…
98. Walking After Midnight
I got up one night to get some water, and found that my teenage son was in the kitchen getting food. He was behind the kitchen counter, so I could only see him from the waist up. When he came around the counter into the hall, two things happened simultaneously: He noticed me and his eyes grew wide in horror; and I saw that he was butt-naked except for a pair of socks.
He tried to panic-run backward on the tile floor, but ended up slipping and taking a hard seat on the tile. Worst of all, he dropped his Hot Pocket. I made sure he was ok, then went back to bed and laughed my backside off.
Years later, we were driving and reminiscing about funny memories. I said, “Do you remember that night when…” and he cut me off with, “Yes.” I didn’t even have to specify which night. We knew, and we were silent.
99. Cuddle Up a Little Closer
One night, my best friend and I stayed at a friend’s apartment because we got way too drunk to drive. Our options were the floor or a loveseat. We fought over the loveseat before finally agreeing that we would share it. At some point in our drunken haze, we started absentmindedly cuddling. Waking up in the morning to discover that was weird. We both tacitly seemed to agree that the best way to deal with this was to pretend it never happened.
100. Life is a Highway
When I was 17, a huge photo radar ticket came in for my truck. I had been going something like 40km over the speed limit. My mom was furious at me. HOW DARE YOU DRIVE LIKE A MANIAC! I RAISED YOU BETTER! The whole ordeal.
Then it turned out I wasn’t the driver that day! My dad had borrowed it to pick something up. I asked him how desperately he needed me to take the fall for him, knowing she’d turn on him with the fury of an angry mama bear. And that’s how I got myself a new HDTV that year!
102. Knock Knock! Boo Who?
I was in a haunted horror maze. The owners and actors clearly put a lot of time and effort into making it look and feel incredible and scary. But on the first jump scare, my adrenaline spiked and I couldn’t control the constant laughter that followed me the rest of the way. Absolutely shattered the tension for everyone.
103. A Little Turbulence on the Airwaves
I’m an airline pilot and often when flying with a co-pilot you get along well with, you will try to make each other laugh while doing the PA to the passengers; mindless things like drawing inappropriate images on paperwork, rolling up newspapers and hitting your colleague over the head with them, or playing Top Gun quotes from your phone. Generally, I manage to choke out my PAs with a reasonably straight face. One time, though, I lost it so bad I snorted with laughter mid-sentence, had to cease the PA, then come back and just admit “Sorry ladies and gentlemen, my colleague was distracting me.”
Most unprofessional, yet hilarious.
104. Clap Your Hands!
My 4-year-old daughter stood up at my grandpa’s funeral to try and sing a hymn, but didn’t know the words—so she started singing ”If You’re Happy and You Know It.”
Funny thing is, my grandpa would have been the first to laugh at that.
105. A Tale of Two Lovities
I used to work in a call center, and on each call, I had to inquire as to whether the customer had cavity wall and loft insulation already.
On one call, I accidentally asked someone if they’d had their “caft and lovity woft,” and immediately burst into an insane fit of giggles when I realized what I had said. Thankfully the person on the other end of the phone saw the funny side.
A few minutes later, I calmed down enough to make another phone call, and for whatever reason, as soon as the next person answered the phone I burst back into giggles.
The customer was nooottttt impressed. I explained “caft and lovity woft” and apologized to the guy, but he told me how unprofessional it was and that it made my company look bad, etc. etc. I apologized profusely but still couldn’t really stop giggling. He hung up shortly after that.
106. Lost the Battle, Won the War
During WWII, my father was a photographer for the 9th Army Air Corps. Most of the time it was ground-based, but occasionally he flew. During the lead-up to D-Day, he flew multiple missions.
They would fly over France and take pictures until they either ran out of film or the Luftwaffe showed up. To minimize detection, they flew alone with escort fighters circling out over the Channel. In the event of an attack, they’d drop until they were skimming the waves and run for England, passing under the fighters who’d engage the Germans while they fled.
This, of course, did have its risks and on more than one occasion they’d be caught too deep into France. Crew size meant even the photographers had to man a gun.
So with all that, here’s the “let’s never speak of this again” moment. They were still at a high altitude when one of the guns jammed, and the gunner took off his glove. He ended up freezing his hand to the metal of the gun.
He’s yelling for help and my dad goes over and says, “There are two ways to get your hand off. Either we yank it off and take the skin off your palm, or we use warm liquid. I know of only one source of that…”
“Never tell anybody about this,” was said. Dad didn’t keep his word, and thus was born the often told story of how my father pissed on a crewmate’s hand.
107. Friends in High Places
I ran into one of my ex-girlfriends recently at work. I go “Hey, long time no see! What are you doing here? What’s new?”
Then suddenly my boss walks up from behind and says “Hey Bob, how do you know my wife?”
I totally made up a random lie on the spot. She went along with it. No one said anything more or brought it up again.
108. Taking the Plunge
I had to stay with a work friend one night as we had a conference in his hometown the next day. It was weird enough staying in his spare room, but to top things off he had a fancy modern bathroom with a square toilet—which of course, I blocked up in the morning with a poop the size of Mt Fuji.
After 30 minutes of fruitless searching for a plunger while the situation went from bad to worse, he knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. I had to tell him not to come in but to just hand me a plunger and some bleach. Apparently, his girlfriend did the same thing the first night she stayed at his place, so at least I’m not alone. To this day I cannot look him in the eye at work.
109. Scenes From an Italian Restaurant
In high school, a friend and I were eating at an Italian restaurant. We were splitting a pizza and pitcher of root beer. As we were finishing up, a woman comes over to our table to tell us she is very proud that we were so comfortable being open about our relationship—and said she would pay for our meal.
There we were; two straight guys staring at each other while mentally balancing the pros and cons of free food vs. sexual reputation.
Despite being very conflicted, one must never turn down free food. We took the meal and never brought the incident up again.
110. I Feel Like Dad Didn’t Think This One Through…
My dad didn’t want to see me cry at my grandfather’s funeral, so he brought a Jigglypuff Pokemon card that I always thought was funny. I’m crying during the service and he just passes me the card. Couldn’t help myself and started to laugh. In front of everyone.
111. You Didn’t Get a Good Read on the Situation
I think it was around sixth grade. We were sitting in class and the teacher was doing that thing where he goes around the class and has everyone take turns reading a few paragraphs. It came to this one kid who had a little trouble reading.
The kid. Was reading. Like this. With pauses. Between. Every couple. Words.
I really tried to not laugh but I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t even the kind of kid that would do that, I was usually really quiet. This poor kid was trying to read aloud, which was probably already tough for him, and there I was with my hand over my mouth giggling like a little jerk.
112. Birds and the Bees
I was teaching health class to a group of teenage students. I explain that girls are born with all the eggs they will ever need. They don’t grow more as they age. A pale, skinny, quiet, freshman boy from the front row raises his hand, as he blushes.
“Is that true for guys…that we don’t make more sperm once it’s gone?”
“No, guys continually regenerate sperm.”
With an audible gasp of relief, he says “Oh, thank God”.
I lost it so bad I had to sit down. Not my finest moment.
113. Ding Dong, the Concert Is Dead
When I was in high school, I went with a friend to the Christmas concert, got there late, and the only place we found to sit was way up front, right behind all of the teachers. We were trying to keep it together the whole time, but then the girl’s bell choir came out. Someone had apparently switched around all the bells before they went on, and what should have been a beautiful Christmas song was a jumbled mess of random notes.
I lasted about 15 seconds before I felt my friend physically vibrating next to me trying not to laugh out loud. I snorted, then he lost it. All the teachers turned around and glared at us. We could not quit giggling. The poor girls on stage were mortified. A couple of them started crying, and they all ran off stage. I still laugh when I think about it all these many years later.
114. What Else Could Go Wrong?
I was a paramedic standing next to a dead body. An elderly lady had fallen out of bed, lit a cigarette and promptly died. She had such a pissed off look on her face, like “Great, fell out of bed, can’t get up and what’s this? A heart attack? Well, why not!”
115. Keeping Up Appearances
At my son’s funeral. My daughter—10 at the time—got her hair caught in my niece’s earring while resting her head on her cousin’s shoulder. It was a nice 5-minute laughing session by the three of us, but everyone behind us thought we were crying.
116. Her Special Day Was Special, Alright!
My best friend’s wedding.
As his soon-to-wife was being walked down the aisle by her father, he managed to trip on her wedding dress, theatrically spin around, grab the hat off someone’s head as he clutched at anything to hold on to, and pull his daughter down on top of him, breaking her nose with his forehead in the process. Everyone, of course, rushed to their aid. Me, on the other hand—I fell to the ground absolutely laughing my head off.
As she was being rushed away, I was still rolling on the ground laughing while everyone just stared at me. Just because I was the best man, doesn’t mean I’m a good man. The video still gets pulled out from time to time and I still lose my mind every time.
117. Choking on His Response
I’m sitting in the back of an eighth-grade classroom during a presentation messing around with my friend. Meanwhile, our student presenter has a small but noticeable speech impediment. Every couple of words, he has to pause and catch his breath mid-word. While not paying attention to the presentation, my friend made me laugh—which happened to coincide perfectly with one of the pauses. I immediately feel an entire classroom of eyes on me as I try to look innocent and point at my friend as the object of laughter. But it was too late, no way to talk yourself out of that mess.